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It was late at night, and Kun was alone in the kitchen, cooking up some food for his favourite group of kids, NCT Dream, to leave for them to eat the next day. He sighed as he stirred the sauce. This was his last night in the dorms before a long trip to China for promotion with WayV, so he wouldn't be able to do this for them for a long time. He'd be gone for a few months at least, and they would also be busy with their own schedules – he wouldn't see them in person for what felt like forever. Kun was glad he was finally getting a chance, at age 23, to do what he'd worked so hard for all these years to get the opportunity to do, but at the same time he was worried about stepping away from the life he'd been living all this time and into a new one – would it really be everything he'd hoped for? What if it didn't work out? What if people didn't like him? Could he really make this work?
“Kun Eomma...”
He turned, about to protest, but it was Chenle in the doorway, and something about the expression on his face stopped him in his tracks. He paused for a second, and then gave the response he knew the boy expected, just with less force.
“I'm not your mum, I'm your dad, remember?” Kun said softly, in Chinese.
Chenle nodded, face contorting, and Kun noticed that he was trying to hold back tears. Immediately, Kun rushed to him and bundled him in his arms. Chenle's arms came round him – he was barely shorter than Kun, but he was such a baby, really – and buried his face into Kun's shoulder, letting himself sob properly at last. Kun squeezed him back and stroked his hair with one hand.
“Shhh, shhhh... what is it?”
Chenle couldn't answer right away, and just shook his head, continuing to cry.
“Hey, shhh, it's alright, it's OK. What is it? What's wrong?”
Chenle snorted wetly against the pool of tears and snot that was forming on Kun's t-shirt.
“What do you think?” he said, sounding hurt. “What will I do without my favourite mama? I'm... I'm going to miss you so much... You know that, right?”
Kun's vision swam at the words, and his breathing became heavy as he was overcome with the emotion. He held tighter. Yes, he'd miss them. He'd miss this, coming home every night to a group of rowdy teenagers who took the mick out of him constantly, but who looked up to him and called him their mother in the same breath. He'd miss this role he'd created for himself in the long years when he wasn't sure when he'd ever get a chance to sing or dance as part of NCT. Before he moved in to this dorm space, he was just quiet – he felt like he was just drifting, on automatic, not the loud, bright future superstars that he competed with every day, watching as people who were younger and younger than him got their own chance in the spotlight, got the chance to shine while he just shrunk into the background and got older and older.
But being older came as a bit of a blessing in disguise. It meant that when he was placed with these teenagers that nobody was looking after, who were small and naïve and missing their families the same way he'd been when he was their age, he couldn't help but step in and try to be the person he knew they needed – and the person that secretly, he knew he needed to be himself. A parent figure.
When that happened, his life had taken on new purpose again. He wasn't just trying to live this intense lifestyle for himself any more. He was doing it for them. So that he could be an example. So that they could look up to him more. So that he could make them proud.
But it also meant that he could stay with them like this and look after them, which now he wasn't going to be doing as he left them behind to chase his dream. Being with them every day had become so important to him, more important than he'd realised. He liked looking after them. Being the oldest wasn't a negative thing when he was with them – it made him their substitute parent, and there was nothing else in his personal life that mattered more than that at that moment.
He'd miss this. He'd really miss this.
“Chenle, you've made me cry too,” he scolded, not letting go. “Yes, I'll miss you. Of course I'll miss you. But this isn't the end, is it? I'll be back here when I've done what I need to do. I'll talk to you all the time. I'm even cooking up some food to leave for you...”
His awareness snapped back to the stove, where the sauce was rapidly turning black at the edges.
“Oh my god!” He flung Chenle away from him and scrambled to turn off the heat, then looked in dismay at the mess he'd made of what should have been a nice meal. He picked up the spoon and gave it an experimental stir. Black pieces floated to the top. He buried his head in his hand at the sight.
“You burnt the food?” Chenle asked, coming up behind him.
“Yeah. Oh no, I'll have to start again. Don't worry, I've got the ingredients. It's just...”
“You should sleep soon, mama, you look tired,” Chenle said, latching onto his arm. “Don't worry about this. We're not all bad at cooking. Even if you're not here, we won't die.”
Kun looked at him, sceptically.
“That's not reassuring. You know I'll be calling you as often as I can, and I'm going to ask what you're eating, right?”
Chenle's face became serious, as if he was extracting a promise. Kun had meant what he said, but he blinked in surprise at the sudden scrutiny.
“You will?”
“Of course I will. You know I can't leave my favourite babies without checking up on them.”
Chenle's face split into a grin, blushing with happiness at the acknowledgement, but also a little evil. Kun realised he'd let himself get swept up in the roles a little too much, and let that endearment slip out. An 'oops' expression came over his face. He knew that'd come back to bite him.
“See? You are our mama. You didn't even correct me this time.”
“That's not-!” Kun protested, knowing it was way too late. He looked at Chenle's face, still red and tearstained, and sighed in defeat. “Well... fine. I'm gonna regret this, aren't I? I still say I'm your dad, but how could I say no to that face?” He reached over and tore off a piece of kitchen roll with his free arm, offering it up to the other boy. “Blow your nose.”
“Yes, Mama,” he said, making the older boy roll his eyes and open his mouth to protest.
“Hey, you said!” Chenle protested. Kun shut his mouth and looked unsure.
“Um, I'm not sure I did say that, actually...” Chenle blew his nose loudly, interrupting him. “...but seeing as it's my last night, I'll let it slide for now.”
“Can you hug me?” Chenle asked, all of a sudden, still holding the tissue.
Kun answered by simply pulling the younger boy into his arms again, holding him tight and swaying slightly back and forth. The intention was to lighten the mood a bit, to be more playful, but as their hug went on and on he realised that what he'd actually started doing was rocking him like a baby, cradling him like something precious. Rocking him more softly, more slowly, just cataloguing in his memory how he felt held close like this.
He felt his heart swell almost to bursting with love for this boy, this cheeky, round-faced, loud boy who was destined for such great things, who was so unlike what he was like at that age but who also sometimes reminded him so much of what he'd been through when he was younger that it almost knocked the wind out of him. Who now was almost the same height as he was, but whom he'd known since he felt much smaller in his arms. The distinctive boyish smell that he was inhaling he couldn't experience over a long-distance video call, and neither could how it felt to have him here cradled against his chest.
He just let that love flow out, and just let himself feel it, along with the sharp pain of loss. Chenle had grown so much since he'd known him, and how much more was he going to grow while he was gone? What if Kun came back from China, and there wasn't a boy standing before him calling him mama any more, but a man? What if the way he felt in his arms right now was the last time he ever felt this way, with this height, and this shape, and this youthful roundness?
Honestly. It hadn't even happened yet, and he was already missing him almost more than he could bear.
“I don't want to miss it,” Kun murmured aloud.
“Hmm? What was that?” Chenle all but whispered back.
“This. When I'm away, you'll keep on growing. Developing into a strong man, someone cool and mature and handsome, and I... am I going to miss that happening? Will I lose this?”
“Kuuuun,” Chenle whined, tearing up again. “Stop it. Now you're making me cry again, and that's mean. If you come back and I'm finally taller than you, and I've started to shave, and I'm acting all cool and mature... it won't matter, right? You know I'm not trying to change, right?”
“Hey, that's not what I'm saying,” Kun said, drawing back a bit so he could wipe the tears off Chenle's face with his thumb. “If I come back and you're taller than me... I want to see that. I want to come back and see this cool adult that you're going to become. That'll be so exciting for me to see, you know, so don't try not to grow because you think I won't like it, or that I'll treat you any differently. I'll still look after you when you're an adult, you know. Whatever you need.”
“But would you even want to?” Chenle asked.
“I'm more worried that you'd forget about me,” Kun said, surprising himself with his honesty. That was a fear that was quite close to his heart. He bit his lip, worrying at it, frowning. “I've been cheering you on all these years, but I've been cheering you on as an adult. When I started looking after you all, I was doing that as an adult too. And I'll be a parent for real as an adult. When you're still growing though, things change so fast, so maybe... um, maybe when you've grown up... you won't need someone to... to... to be your 'mama' any more? My feelings won't change, but maybe... yours will?”
Chenle shook his head, and looked Kun in the eyes.
“It doesn't matter how much I grow. These have been some of the formative years of my life, and I've built so many treasured memories with everyone here, with you. My real parents live in a different country, so what I've had here has been... you. That's something that can't be changed, or forgotten.”
The boys came back together and held onto each other for a long time, stood there, next to the slowly congealing pan on the stove, growing cold, in the kitchen in the place that they called their home. Even though they both keenly felt the ache of knowing they'd soon be apart, they could take comfort in each others' warm weight and silent reassurances, at least for now. Kun pressed a soft kiss into Chenle's hair, and Chenle's hands fisted in the fabric of Kun's t-shirt in response, clinging on as if he never wanted to let go. Neither of them moved for a while. They barely breathed, not wanting the moment to end.
“Will I always be your baby?” Chenle asked, at last, into the quiet.
“Yes,” Kun answered, as natural as breathing. “And... I'll always be your mama.”