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Mackenzie Zales wasn't gay.
And yet... She lay awake on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She didn't think she was gay, anyway. All of the "Are You Gay" tests she had taken online over the course of her life turned up negative. Besides, Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson were definitely pretty hot. There was that time she dated Stephen Carmichael... And she enjoyed kissing Justin Michaelson... She had lots of boyfriends that she liked plenty in the past, so why was she even having these thoughts?
She knew why, but there was no way in hell that she could admit it.
In truth, it probably all started back in the third grade...
***
There was something about the way the new girl walked in, the fact that she was only eight, just like the rest of them, yet she strode in like she owned the place. Maybe it was the way that she told the teacher, point blank, that she had been expelled from her last school. Maybe it was seeing her destroy nearly everything in the room. Something about Brittnay Matthews was just... Incredible, somehow. She didn't understand what the feeling was then, but all she knew was that she wanted to be closer to her. As friends, and physically.
Hell, she got put in time out just to talk to that girl. She was dangerous, confident, independent; all of the things she thought she wanted in a friend, Brittnay Matthews had.
So they did their little plan, showing Brittnay just how valuable friends could be. And she agreed with just that one little term, and it felt like the easiest thing in the world. Fucking over Brittnay was the last thing on her mind, even though she would fuck a whole lot of other people over if it meant keeping her by her side.
But of course, it didn't end with that first day.
They were over at Mackenzie's house to hang out, and of course, they decided to paint nails.
"What color do you want, Brittnay?" Mackenzie laid out all of her favorite colors on the little table in her room, lining them all up. "I think I'll go with purple."
"All these colors suck."
It wasn't the fact that Brittnay was sort of mean, it was the fact that she didn't seem to care what other people thought of her. Hell, she never seemed to care about anything.
Mackenzie frowned, grabbing the dark purple anyway. "Well, what do you expect me to do about it?"
She grinned, a wild kind of smile with her messy hair half pulled back in a ponytail and her missing tooth. "Follow me."
So, of course, she did. They pulled on their shoes at the door and got out of Mackenzie's house, even though that meant passing through the living room where her parents were fighting, and onto the street. Immediately, Brittnay turned right and started up the hill.
"Wait, Brittnay." Mackenzie jogged to catch up, panting to catch her breath. "Where are we going?"
"My house." She explained, not bothering to turn towards her, just keeping her eyes straight forward and her hands jammed into fists, held by her skirt pockets. "We'll have a lot more fun there."
"My mom will probably worry about me."
"No, she won't." Brittnay shrugged. "They never really seem to, anyway. They yell for about five seconds, then go back to ignoring you completely."
Mackenzie frowned; her mom would yell at her for a bit, but... "Okay. Where do you live?"
"Just down this street and through the little trail there. It's the house with all the windows."
She looked over at Brittnay, narrowing her eyes. "You mean the one with all the broken windows?"
"Yeah."
Casual as ever, never giving a fuck. Mackenzie swore that if she was even as nonchalant as Brittnay, the whole school would love her. Why didn't everyone love Brittnay, again? She was so cool.
The November air was chilly, not anywhere close to freezing temperatures, but cold enough that Mackenzie wished that she had grabbed a coat. As it was, she was in what she always seemed to wear: the same pink tank top and red shorts. She shivered.
"We'll get there soon, don't worry about it." Brittnay said over her shoulder, as if she knew Mackenzie was cold already. "Come on, you're slowing down."
Even though the trail was gross from the wet weather they'd been having, getting mud all over the bottom of her shoes, they did get there sooner than if they had kept to streets. Mackenzie was glad for that... Even if she'd have to wash her tennis shoes later. But now, looking at the house, all her thoughts of shoes vanished in thin air.
The house was huge; it was no secret that this side of town tended to be more well off than other areas. In truth, the house was really only the same size as her own, but it seemed larger because of the extensivs windows. Had they all been in tact, the entire front of the house almost would be completely see-through. As it was, however, multiple of the panels were boarded up.
"Why are all the windows broken?"
Brittnay scoffed. "Because I broke them."
That was badass. "Why?"
She shrugged. "I didn't like feeling like everybody was fucking watching me all the time, like, it's none of their fucking business what I'm doing in my own damn house."
Mackenzie shuffled her feet, wiping the mud off on the pavement. "Are you sure your parents won't mind that I'm over?"
"Pfft. They don't care about anything. Come on, let's sneak in."
"But why?" Mackenzie followed her around the back of the house. "If it's your house, why can't you just go in the front door?"
"I'll tell you later, just follow me."
Using a couple of flower pots full of soil stacked on top of each other, Brittnay climbed up onto a lower part of the house. She looked so fast, so capable... Mackenzie was almost too busy watching her to follow. Carefully, she used the flower pots and hoisted herself up onto the house. There was an actual ladder leaning against the house now, and Brittnay was already halfway up.
"Is that safe without anyone holding the bottom?"
"Don't know." Brittnay looked over her shoulder, flashing a grin. "Why don't you hold it for me?"
"Because then there won't be anyone here to hold it for me." She pointed out.
"Than you better believe it's safe. Trust me, I do this all the time."
And so, against all better judgement, she did. After Brittnay climbed up, pushed open a window, and crawled inside, she followed suit. Taking in a deep breath, and putting one hand up at a time, she made it to the top. Still, she held her breath until she was safely inside.
"What, are you asthmatic or something?" Brittnay jeered once she got in, shutting the window. "I never lock it. I showed you so you can sneak in, if you have to. Anytime, alright?"
Mackenzie blushed. "Alright."
"We're like, friends now, right? Is that what friends are supposed to do?"
"Totally! Yeah, yeah." She answered quickly. "You can just use my front door, though."
"Alright. And now for nails."
In all of the excitement of sneaking in, Mackenzie had forgotten about the bottle of purple nail polish in her pocket. Thankfully, it was still there.
Brittnay opened a messy drawer, and immediately pulled out a bottle of black nail polish. Of course; what other color for her?
"I'll do yours first, and you had better have some good gossip."
Mackenzie hummed, holding out her hand and giving her the purple. "Have I told you about what Rachel Tice did yet?"
"That bitch?" Brittnay snorted. "I'm all ears."
***
Mackenzie had found herself sneaking in a month later, just a week before Christmas. Most of her friends had gone places, specifically Shay, but not Brittnay. She was stuck in town, just like her.
"Hey." She huffed, pushing open the window. "Don't kill me!"
Brittnay was holding a baseball bat high up, ready to smash, but dropped it when she realized it was Mackenzie. "Jeez, Mackenzie, you can't just scare me like that. Knock or something, will you?"
Mackenzie nodded, pulling herself through and shutting the window. Slowly, she peeled off her coat, keeping her face turned away from Brittnay.
"Hey, are you crying? Don't cry." Brittnay sighed from behind her, tossing down the bat. "I wasn't really gonna hurt you."
She took a deep breath. "It's not that, it's just... My parents are getting a divorce."
"What? Right before Christmas?" Brittnay scoffed. "Fuck that and fuck them."
"No, it's not... I saw the papers, they're waiting until afterwards."
"Well, that is also shitty." She declared. "This is an emergency situation, and it must be treated as such."
"What do you mean, Britt?"
"Awful music, chocolate, and popcorn. Duh." Brittnay rolled her eyes. "Come on, let's head down to the kitchen."
Wiping her eyes, Mackenzie followed, and that's the first moment she wondered, just a little bit, if this was what a boyfriend would be like. Someone to just distract a little bit from the worse bitches and assholes of the world.
***
But years had passed since then, and the feelings hadn't gone away. Ugh, Mackenzie wished that she could just feel normal. Having crushes on other people's boyfriends? Normal. Having crushes on teachers? Weird, but normal? Having crushes on your best friend of almost ten years? Maybe it was normal, but not when it was a girl...
Taking a deep breath, she tried to relax into bed. The least she could do was try to get some good sleep before school tomorrow, or it was going to be hell waking up.
She wasn't sure whether she wanted the kimchi to give her weird dreams about Brittnay or not. On one hand, it would only hurt her worse. On the other, she might get a glimpse of something she'll never get to have.
***
So far, it really had been a weird day. Mackenzie had woken up just fine, with no weird dreams about Brittnay. She had gotten ready, done her makeup and hair, then caught a ride from her step-dad, since she no longer had a car. And immediately, the day seemed to scoop her up and carry her away.
Somehow though, in between classes, Mackenzie got stuck next to Jonath- Than. She got stuck next to Than walking down the hall.
He whistled. "Damn, check out Amberlynn's butt. How have I never noticed how tight those pants are before?"
Huh? She could have sworn...
"Wait, Than, aren't you gay now?"
"Nah, I'm kinda just in between, you know?" He shrugged, picking at his tee shirt. "Jenna told me about this thing called bisexuality, back when she was around, you know? Means you're just into people, doesn't matter what gender." He lowered his sunglasses. "And I am definitely into her."
"Okay. One, I'm fairly sure ogling Amberlynn Weggers is like, a sin or something." Mackenzie held up a finger to count, for emphasis. "And two - what the ever living fuck?"
"What?" Than looked around. "You just kinda like who you like, you know? No pressure to be anybody but Than... It's pretty nice."
"Oh." She swallowed. "Alright. I'll see you around, Than."
"Alright, see ya."
How had she not thought of this before? She was so stupid, how was liking both not an option to her? This made so much sense... But now she had a justification for Brittnay taking up all of her thoughts all of the time. She really didn't want what happened after the state football game to happen again; she didn't want to even be separate from Brittnay.
She wanted to hold her, kiss her, wake up with her crazy bed head in the mornings... Knowing that it was more than a dare. More than a sleepover. She wanted all of Brittnay Mattews for real.
And to do that, she needed to consult with an expert.
"Hey, Than!" Mackenzie called after him, jogging down the hallway. "I have a question for you."
"What is it, Z?"
"...since when have you called me Z?"
"Since right now." He waggled his eyebrows. "Was that the question?"
"No, you-" she shook her head. "Do you know any bisexual girls?"
"Well..." He paused, rubbing his chin. "Jenna Dapananian, for one... Don't know. Sorry. Than out."
Mackenzie sighed, slumping her shoulders as he walked away. "Thanks, Than... I was worried that would be all you said."
***
Considering that she was instrumental in Jenna's best friend going to jail, and this being killed, Mackenzie thought they'd be on worse terms. Apparently not, though. When she asked if they could meet at the shitty, overpriced coffee shop after school, Jenna declared that she'd love to. Scooters Coffee House was just down the block, she declared, and that she'd meet her there at four.
She had to admit that the enthusiasm, and the twitching, were terrifying, but there was no backing out now.
"So what did you wanna like... Talk to me about?" Jenna asked, leaning heavily on the table and twirling her hair. "Like... This is so weird, you know?"
"Yeah, I know." Mackenzie glanced up at the counter, waiting for her coffee. "But I wanted to ask you something... A little personal."
"Ohhhh... Is it about a certain plant?"
"No."
"Somewhere snowy?"
"Gosh, no."
"Uhh... A spoon?"
"No, Jenna, I'm not-" She took a deep breath. "I'm not trying to get drugs from you."
"What? Drugs? I wasn't, you know, talking about drugs..."
"Mackenzie!" Rex yelled from behind the counter.
"Just a minute, that's mine."
When she got back to the table, Jenna was yawning. "Okay seriously, what do you want?"
"I wanted to talk about..." Why wouldn't the word come out? "Being into girls."
Immediately, her whole face lit up. "What do you want to know? Oh my gosh, seriously? Like, are you hay? A lesbian? Wait, those are the same thing... Are you bi? Or like pan, that would be-"
"Jenna." Mackenzie interrupted her, sucking in a deep breath. "I think I'm bi."
"Oh my gosh, I'm so proud of you... Who are you out to? 'Cause like, kids can be brutal at Overland Park, you know?"
She bit her lip. "I know."
"Wait. Did you tell me because you wanna make out?"
Mackenzie turned bright red. "Fuck no!"
"Wait, hold up." Jenna held up both hands. "Am I the first person you told?"
"...yeah?"
"I am so honored! That's amazing, I'm so, so proud." All of her words slurred together, just a little bit. "What do you want to know?"
"How do you flirt with a girl?"
Jenna paused, long enough that Mackenzie finished a significant amount of her skinny vanilla latte. She was just starting to get worried that she wouldn't say anything, when she finally sighed and leaned forward onto the table.
"I don't know." She admitted, with a little sniffle. "There's only one girl that I ever really liked, you know? I liked her back when we joined the cheer squad, even... This used to be our spot..."
A put in her stomach told Mackenzie this was Jenna Darabond. "Well... Did you try-"
"I thought we were dating." She explained, with another little sniffle. "And we weren't. And she didn't want to make out, and she said I wasn't her type... But it was fine, I'm totally fine, right?"
She sprung upright again, smiling wildly. Her eye makeup, even though it had been minimal and smudgy at best, looked like a nightmare now. Her hair was a mess, coming out of her hat from every direction. One of the sleeves of her bright yellow dress had a dark stain on it that she hadn't noticed before.
"...right." Mackenzie agreed, not ready to unpack all of that. "Well, thanks for the help, anyways."
"You are so welcome! Thanks for the coffee. I'm super poor right now." Jenna reached up to fix her beanie, only making it worse. "I spent all my money on skiing trips... You know, lots of snow."
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know. It's been real, see you around."
"Bye bye!" And she giggled the whole time as Mackenzie left Scooters Coffee House.
***
"Hey bitch, what's up?" Tristan McKie answered the phone like that no matter who called... Honestly, it was a bit embarrassing.
"Hey, Tristan... you and Brittnay are good friends, right?" Mackenzie managed to get out, kicking herself the whole way.
He gasped. "You two aren't fighting, are you?!"
"No, Tristan." She shook her head, even though he couldn't see it. "I just need you advice?"
"On what, bitch?"
"If someone were to, you know... Ask her out-"
"Oooh! Is that a hint of lesbianism I'm detecting? I like it! Keep going."
"What would they do for her? What kind of thing is she into like that?" Mackenzie sighed. "Does she like flowers? Big romantic gestures? Small ones?"
"She loves it when people are up front, for starters." Tristan explained. "I'd just say go for it! Maybe get her a pack of skittles, or like, macarons if you're gonna be a fancy bitch about it, you know what I'm saying?"
He laughed, very loudly, at his own joke. "Seriously though, you've never talked about things like this?"
"Uh, no. We don't really talk romance." She paused. "Also, if you tell anybody about this, I'll kill you."
"Ooh, feisty! Alright bitch, it's been fun, toodles!"
Sighing, Mackenzie hung up. Did she want to get something for her? A part of her said that she should just go for it, not caring either way. But what if she messed up the cheer squad, and right near the beginning of senior year? What is she pushed away Brittnay for good?
There was only one was of knowing, she guessed, taking a deep breath. She opened her phone to text Brittnay.
(Mackenzie): Hey can I ask you smth?
(Brittnay): Yeah what's up?
(Mackenzie): I mean
(Mackenzie): I love you
(Brittnay): luv u too bitch that's not a question
(Mackenzie): no but more than that
She held her breath as she typed the message.
(Mackenzie): will you go out with me?
No reply. Mackenzie waited for hours, trying to do everything she could to distract herself from it. She had fucked up, and all there was to do now was cry about it.
Moping in her pajamas, she made her way to the kitchen for a snack. She wasn't going as far as eating her sadness, but it was going to reach close to there. But of course...
"Why are you crying, Mackenzie?" The little demon, Katelynn, just had to show up.
"Fuck off."
"Mackenzie!"
And of course, her mom had to be there too. Why had this been the worst day in the world?
First Than, then Jenna, then Tristan, then this whole thing with Brittnay... It just wasn't fair.
Katelynn scampered off to do, well, whatever gross things she does unsupervised, leaving Mackenzie in the kitchen with her mom.
She immediately started the barrage of questions. "What happened? Breakup? No, because you're not dating anyone right now... Rejected? Who's the guy? Was he an asshole about it? Ooh, are you going to fuck him up?"
There were more questions, building and building, until Mackenzie could feel how red her face must be. She felt like she was about to explode.
"It's not a he!" Mackenzie blurted out, before even realizing that she had said it aloud.
A moment of silence settled over them, tension filling the air. If possible, she blushed harder.
"So you're a lesbian, huh?"
"No, mom, I'm... I'm bisexual."
Her mom shrugged. "Well, didn't expect that one. That's weird-"
And suddenly, the tension broke.
"Oh, fuck you, mom!" She planted her feet firmly on the ground. "You're always trying to make me do whatever it is you want me to, and you know what? I'm not having it anymore. You want to kick me out? Fine! Whatever. But I'm not going to just let you tell me who I am anymore. I'm my own fucking person, you know that, right?"
The silence returned, but she didn't look angry; if anything...
Slowly, a smile crept onto her mom's face. "I knew you had spirit in you. Finally seeing a little fight! It's good, for a change."
"...what?"
"The wine's on top of the fridge, harder stuff's behind that. You know already." She explained, waving her off. "Knock yourself out, then go get your revenge on her."
"Mom, tomorrow's a school day." Mackenzie pointed out. "Getting hammered is a bad idea."
She shrugged. "Okay, just tell me how this one ends, okay? I want to- hold up, my phone is ringing. Hello, you cunt-faced-"
Shaking her head, Mackenzie went back upstairs, Greek yogurt and a bowl of chocolate chips in hand. Today may have been shit, but at least things with her mom weren't as bad as they could have been. That was probably the only good thing that happened.
***
The next morning, Mackenzie made sure all of her makeup was waterproof. If she ended up crying, she did not want to look like Shay Van Buren the time she got a chemical burn in a chemistry lab. The makeup running down her face was incredible.
But that wasn't about to happen. She was going to get a ride from her step-dad, and she would walk into the school like she normally did, like the most popular girl there.
After all, she was Mackenzie Zales, head cheerleader, homecoming queen, part time model.
Finally, she looked away from her reflection. She was as ready as she'd ever be.
***
Mackenzie was expecting the whole world to collapse the moment she walked into school, but it didn't. In fact, everything seemed... Normal. Brittnay wasn't bringing up the text... Maybe she hadn't seen it? No, it showed 'Read' on her phone... What was going on?
Everything was normal until lunch, when they went, got their trays of shitty food, and went to sit down at the center lunch table... Only, Brittnay didn't sit down.
Mackenzie set down her tray just like Brittnay had, then stood up across from her.
Her heart pounded.
Then it was like time slowed down. Brittnay leaned forward, and Mackenzie closed her eyes expecting a punch, or a slap, or something like that - but instead, she leaned forward and kissed her. And it wasn't a fake kiss, a spin the bottle kiss, or a truth or dare kiss, this one was real. Her hands were slightly cold as she held the back of Mackenzie's neck, and Mackenzie knew her hands here sweaty on Brittnay's face. It felt like an eternity, just holding each other, nothing else in the world mattering.
Finally, they pulled apart, and Mackenzie could hear the lunch room cheering. Tristan was telling them to "Get it," and Than was shouting about how hot it was. Jenna Dapananian seemed confused, but cheered louder than most people.
Brittnay leaned in again, this time to her ear. "I told you not to fuck me over."
"What? Did I-"
"You made me wait how long?" She held up her fingers, counting years to herself. "Almost ten years? Fucking. Me. Over. The whole time."
"Wait, hold up." Mackenzie blinked. "You've liked me this whole time?"
"Of course, asshole! Who else do you think I'm saving my vag-inity for?"
Mackenzie blushed. "Well, I-"
"So like, are we dating now?" Brittnay asked, and her face was flushed. "Like, will you be my girlfriend and shit?"
And it was like all of her dreams were coming true.
She made a horrible snorting, cackling, laughing noise that must have sounded deranged. "Of. Fucking. Course! I've liked you that long too!"
"Then why didn't you say something?" She yelled. "Kept me waiting for so fucking long?"
"I thought you were straight!"
"Well, I thought you were straight!"
"Well, I'm bi." Mackenzie declared.
Brittnay smiled. "And I'm a huge fucking lesbian."
"Wait." Trisha tilted her head to the side. "What about all the guys you gave handjobs to?"
She wrinkled her nose. "You think I wanted to be fucking them? Hell fucking no."
Mackenzie smiled, finally sitting down at the table. Brittnay followed suit.
"What are you smiling like that for?" She asked, and Mackenzie could only smile wider.
"I'm just so happy right now."
She reached across the table and held her hand.
"Me too, Mackenzie. Me too."
And she felt like she was going to do a whole lot more sneaking into Brittnay's house over Senior year.