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“Whatever that buzzing is, it needs to stop immediately” was Maria Hill’s first thought when she heard her phone vibrating. Deciding it might be a SHIELD emergency, she groaned and rolled over to fumble for her phone.
Mumbling, she answered with a “hello?”
Natasha responded, “We’re back but it was bad. Intel was wrong. Steve’s gonna need you.”
“What happened?” Maria was rolling out of bed, rushing to put on any kind of acceptable clothing.
Sighing, Tasha replied, “He did good but there were a lot of casualties. A lot of kids. He’ll probably want to talk about it.”
“Thanks, Tasha. I’m on my way to his place now.” Maria wedged her phone between her ear and her shoulder to lock the door, “I’ll let you know what happens later.”
The line clicked as Tasha hung up.
OOOOOoooooO
Half an hour later, Maria knocked on Steve’s door. She just hoped he’d answer. Sometimes, Steve got the idea that licking his wounds in private was better, that he could just pretend everything was fine, for forever.
“Steve? It’s Maria.”
Silently, she was thinking, “Don’t shut me out. Please let me in. I want to be there for you. Please, sweetheart.”
She heard shuffling before the door opened just a crack. Steve peeped out, his blonde hair stuck up like he’d been tugging on it for hours, eyes bloodshot with no sleep and tears.
“Ria? What’re you doing here?” He was clearly trying to keep his voice even but Maria knew better.
...
He’d started calling her Ria once he realized that everyone else called her Maria or Hill. “It’s a just us thing,” he had said the first time. She wasn’t sure at first but now the title was entirely endearing. If anyone else tried using it, she glared bloody murder at them.
...
“Tasha called me. Steve, honey, can I come in?” She could see his lower lip trembling just the littlest bit.
Steve opened the door and proceeded to shuffle towards the bedroom, not even looking to make sure Maria was following. He curled up with his back to the headboard, refusing to meet her eyes. Maria followed him and paused in the doorway for a moment.
Sometimes it was easy to forget how terribly young Steve was, how much he had been through and seen in his 30 years of life. Right now, Steve looked like a frightened child, tucked into an impossibly small ball, holding a pillow to his chest like his life depended on it. Maria pushed off the doorway and walked softly over to the bed. Toeing her shoes off, she climbed onto the bed in front of him, not touching, just waiting. If Steve wanted contact, he had to initiate. Maria had made the mistake of trying to wake Steve up from a nightmare one time and the situation ended with a large bruise on her left cheek.
As soon as she had gotten settled, Steve let go of the pillow and held his arms out in a clear gesture for cuddles. Maria scooted closer, moving up so her chin rested on top of Steve’s head. She felt him shuddering as he cried, trying to keep his sobs silent.
“It’s okay, Steve. Just let it out, it’s only me here. No one else. Just let go, sweetheart.” She ran her fingers through his hair all the while.
“Oh God, Ria,” Steve was sobbing, “t-there were s-so many kids. I felt l-like such a f-fraud. I couldn’t s-save anyone.”
The whole team was still trying to make Steve understand that he couldn’t save everybody. Steve was innately good, he felt like he had to save everyone but the reality was, even Captain America couldn’t save everyone ever. This idea was an ongoing process.
Pressing a kiss to his head, Maria murmured, “I know that’s not true. Tasha said you did good, Steve.”
“B-but there were s-so many bodies, Ria. How c-could I have possibly done g-good?” Super serum or not, Steve was still only human. Getting him to understand this was so hard.
“Because without you, there would have been so many more bodies, Steve. You saved hundreds of people. It’s not your fault the intel was wrong” Maria still kept her voice soft, afraid anything more would overwhelm the fragile man in her arms.
Steve sniffled and sobbed, hugging her so tight it almost hurt. Maria was more than content to just lay there, to comfort her distraught boyfriend. Her upbringing hadn’t allowed for shows of emotion like this, she tended to keep everything bottled up. Steve was showing her that letting go was okay, but he did have a hard time following his own advice. Maria did her best to be there whenever Steve needed her, to prove that showing emotion was good - healthy even.
Once it seemed like Steve had calmed down a bit, Maria nudged his chin up with her fingers, forcing him to look her in the eye.
“How about we take a bath? And then get some sleep, huh? Talk more in the morning, hon?” She was searching his eyes, hoping that he’d say yes.
Steve nodded, but made no move to get up. If anything, he seemed to snuggle closer to her chest. They laid in silence for a few minutes, Steve still letting out the occasional hiccup, before Maria finally decided sleep would do them both worlds of good. But Steve needed to get clean. Sure, he’d been through SHIELD’s decontamination unit before being sent home, but she wanted to pamper him just a little.
“Honey? You gotta let me up for a few minutes. We can snuggle more after you get clean, kay?” She nudged his shoulder, hoping he’d move just enough that she could go run the bath. Maria thought she heard him whimper, but then he rolled over to face the headboard. She scurried off to start the water.
She came back in a few minutes later, rousing Steve and leading him into the bathroom. He stripped and threw the SHIELD issue sweats into the hamper, while Maria turned the water off. Maria climbed in and Steve settled between the V of her legs.
Soaping up her hands, Maria asked, “Do you want to talk about anything now? Or save it all for tomorrow?” She started running her fingers through his hair, he leaned back, softly moaning at her gentle touch.
“Tomorrow? ‘M sorry, it’s just- it’s a lot and I don’t have the capacity to process at the moment. Sorry.” Steve was practically mumbling the whole time.
Maria replied as she poured body wash on the loofa, “Of course, tomorrow is good. You need sleep.”
“Yeah,” Steve let out a massive yawn, “the op was supposed to be a quick 48-hour mission. Turned out the op was 96 hours, and we were awake for 90 of those.” He scooted forward just a bit so Maria could rinse all the soap off.
They sat in the bath for awhile, just enjoying each other. Before long, the bath water got cold so Maria shifted to nudge Steve up and out. She pulled the plug while he pulled towels out of the closet. Wrapping the big, fluffy, warm towels around themselves, Steve and Maria shuffled back into the bedroom. Deeming themselves dry enough, they crawled under the covers.
Steve reached for Maria, needing her close. She moved so that her chin was on top of his head like before but Steve stopped her. She looked at him and he blushed.
“What do you need, Steve?” Maria’s voice was still just barely above a whisper.
“I just- I need to feel like I can- like I can protect someone.” He cut off there, leaving her to figure it out.
Maria propped her head on her hand, elbow resting on the bed, “So you need to hold me instead of the other way around?”
Steve nodded, still looking rather embarrassed. He opened his arms so that she could move closer.
“Sweetheart, all you had to do was ask.” Maria never would understand what she had done to deserve someone like Steve Rogers. He was so good and always took her opinion into consideration. He didn’t try to pull his weight around at work (like so many other men had) and he always asked how her day had gone (it didn’t matter if they were on opposite sides of the globe, unless one of them was on a blackout mission, Steve asked.)
Steve pulled her close, feeling like if he didn’t everything would disappear. She kissed him once on the lips, chastely, just to remind him of them. Physical shows of affection were incredibly important to Steve, Maria had figured that out early on. Since then, she had tried to her best to reciprocate that need.
“Sleep, Steve. We’ll work everything out in the morning, okay?”
Sleepily, she felt, more than heard Steve murmur, “mkay.”
And if he was still awake to hear her whisper, ‘I love you more than anything,” well, nobody had to know.