Work Text:
Dear Christian,
Where to start...
The first time I was ever bullied was when I was in 6th grade. Now yes, kids made fun of me before that (starting in 4th grade) but it never really bothered me. The worst kids did then was tell me I was too tall, or pester me because I had a zit or two. (I had zits in 4th grade. -_-) I still had lots of friends, and I was happy. Back then (for me at least) no matter how much kids pestered you and how rude kids could be, it usually didn't change how most people thought of you. Back then we were smart. And nice. And human.
In 6th grade, my best friend Emily and I started reading "Pretty Little Liars". Now everyone knows the show, and it's super popular, but back then it wasn't SUCH a major thing. So we read the books, and since we were reading them, a few other kids started reading them as well. It had nothing really to do with us, it was just that at that age, a lot of the way we acted was 'Monkey See, Monkey Do' ya know? Once the other kids found out that a character in the book (conveniently named Emily) was lesbian, they all started to make jokes about it.
"Oh, you and Emily must be lesbian then, because she has the same name as the lesbian in the book hah hah"
At first it was kinda funny, and neither one of us was really bothered by the jokes. They were just jokes after all, but like most "jokes" go, this one got drawn out for too long. It got to the point where every day, we would get made fun of. Emily told her parents, who advised her to stop reacting to the jokes. In doing so, the bullies stopped teasing her, and went fully to me. I had no idea why they'd bully me, since I had a totally different name than the girl in the book! They were just trying to get a good reaction out of me, but since I didn't talk to my parents, or any other adults, I didn't know this was what was going on.
All the time walking down the hallway to lunch, I'd have people poke me in the back calling me lesbian. At lunch, kids started throwing food at me because I was lesbian?? They'd even chase me at recess, and a few times some girls made kissy faces at me. I know now that it makes absolutely no sense, and isn't something that I should've let bother me. I mean I knew then that I wasn't lesbian, and I know now that I'm not lesbian. Being lesbian is NOTHING to EVER be ashamed of, but back then it was a majorly depressing thing for me to go through. They also started punching me and stuff, but I need to get off this topic.
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In 7th grade, I had acne. It wasn't super horrible, but it was worse than everyone else's, and hey. Another reason to make fun of me I guess. They only really did it in homeroom, and it was like they were joking. No one really seemed to notice how much it hurt me. While going through this, I stopped eating. Now growing up, I was pretty chubby, but I had thinned out by middle school. I didn't necessarily stop eating because I felt fat (although I did) but it was mainly because I felt sick. Looking in the mirror made me feel horrible and I couldn't bear to eat other than at school. No one ever found out about this. I didn't eat breakfast, I shared a salad with my best friend for lunch every day, and I threw away my dinner at home. (My family never ate together, so getting rid of dinner was easy.) I don't know if I'd go out to say that this whole thing could be labeled as anorexia, but I sure as heck didn't like eating.
It also didn't help that my best friend was absolutely gorgeous. She was super popular, and everyone liked her. I was just always at her side. Quiet. Weird. Lonely. We knew each other our whole lives, and we always seemed to gravitate towards each other I guess.
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In 8th grade I was a major freak. An outcast. No one liked me, other than my friends who were also out casts. Being with them, I didn't feel unhappy as often, because we were all weird and we didn't care.
Well they didn't care.
I saw the weird looks i got in the halls, because everyone thought we were lesbian. (Had to deal with that shit again.) ((To be fair, most of those friends actually were, which made me feel like an out cast even more)). Then one of them made up a lie about me and all my friends turned on me and I was alone and I started self harming a lot.
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Long story short, I was depressed throughout middle school, and my freshman year. I cut myself a lot until I confided in a counselor, who told my parents, who didn't help me at all. I've since stopped, because they check now and again. They don't help me at all though.
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Okay, here's where you come in. Sometime in my life, I've developed anxiety. What I have is Social Anxiety, and Generalized Anxiety. These were diagnosed to me the one and only time my parents ever took me to visit a counselor. (I'd ask to go again, but I'm scared to.) People think it's stupid, but it's hard for me to do a lot of things on my own. I feel pressured when there's not much to pressure me. I feel anxious when there's nothing really to feel anxious about. I feel scared and claustrophobic lying in my bed at night, which is supposed to make me feel safe.
One day I was looking around, searching the internet TRYING SO HARD to find something to make me feel happier. Something to just calm me down, because it was getting hard for me to breathe again.
Somehow I came across you, and my mood that day went through the roof!! The first video I saw from you was '46 Reasons To Exist'. I figured it was probably something I needed to see at the time, because I was becoming slightly suicidal.
That video was the first time I'd laughed in 3 weeks.
That's a long time, because I'm a laugher.
After that, I watched SOO many of your videos. Like in that one day, I'm certain I watched at least 13. Each and every one made me feel some type of strong emotion. Mostly it was laughter, but one or two made me cry. I saw that you went through depression, and you were the first person I'd ever felt understood what I was going through. For a long time, I didn't share my findings (you n_n) with anyone. I didn't want anyone to find what made me so happy, in fear that it would be taken away from me. So I continued watching your videos, and laughing and crying along with them.
But out of the blue, about a week and a half ago, I made a twitter.
At first, I was super scared to message you or anything, because I didn't want to bother you, but you said before that you're my internet friend, and I thought that was awesome, so I guess I just started spamming you. Like literally earlier today, I was spamming you. As nice as you are, you replied to me twice, and you don't know how that made me feel. I never really just tried telling you how I felt, because even over the internet, I guess I don't really know how to react in social situations. This letter is something I hope you see, so I guess you can understand what I'm trying to say when I ask if you like Chinese food, or when I tweet you a bunch about Frightened Rabbit. (I am still wondering if you like them though.)
I'm sorry for how annoying I can be though, I really try my best to be more cool to be around.
CHRISTIAN I LOVE YOU.
You make my heart hurt, but in the best of ways.
46 REASONS TO LOVE CHRISTIAN NOVELLI. (Although they are infinite)
1.) You made me happy in a time when nothing else really did
2.) I super love your sweaters
3.) You are the owner of the cutest smile on the planet
4.) Your smile makes me happy, even after my aunt got diagnosed with cancer
5.) You always know what to put in a video to brighten my day
6.) I super love those glasses
7.) You're very insightful
8.) You inspire me to be a better person
9.) I want to be a sea otter
10.) You're a great person
11.) You always try to talk to people, even though you're so popular now
12.) You have the most gorgeous eyes
13.) Your voice makes me so happy
14.) You make me so happy
15.) When you're happy, you're super quirky and funny
16.) When you're sad, you still seem to be there for others
17.) You're like a home to me
18.) Your videos are something I could never get tired of
19.) You're so random and I love it
20.) Your videos make me cry sometimes, even the happy ones
21.) So many people love you
22.) You're shy but so am I
23.) I love your nose ring
24.) I love your hair
25.) I love when you poured ranch on your hair
26.) You play the ukulele
27.) You play the keyboard/piano?? <3
28.) You make up awesome songs
29.) You're a fantastic cook. Cookie sandwiches were genius.
30.) You're a genius!
31.) You love Bill Cosby
32.) You made me love Bill Cosby
33.) You're hilarious
34.) You're adorable
35.) You make me want to dance
36.) You're the happiest thing in my life
37.) You're a fantastic dancer
38.) You make my stomach hurt (In a good way, like butterflies are fighting each other in there but no ones hurt because that would stink)
39.) You pull down your cheeks in that cute way
40.) Your British accent is the best
41.) "Oh, Hello there. My Name is Christian"
42.) You like great music
43.) You like great colors
44.) You like great people
45.) You exist
46.) You're YOU
I don't care if people think I can't love someone I've never met. They're obviously wrong, because I love you. I don't know how many times I've said we should get married, but don't worry I don't really love you like that. I don't obsess over you (well yeah I do), I just- I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SAYING
I don't know if love is even the right word anymore.
No definitely not.
The word I'm looking for is NEED.
CHRISTIAN NOVELLI I NEED YOU. I need you in the same way I need air. Without air, I'd die and without you, I wouldn't be here in the first place.
You saved my life Christian. It's taken me quite some time to warm up to the idea of saying that someone actually saved my life, but you did. I was getting suicidal when I first found you, and without you I don't know if I'd be here right now.
THis has been all over the place, but I'm sorry it's just how I think. If there's one thing you take away from this, let it be this next thing.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I NEED YOU MORE THAN ANYONE. YOUR SO IMPORTANT TO SO MANY PEOPLE. YOU MAKE MY DAYS BRIGHTER AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU I'M ALWAYS HAPPY. I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO DESCRIBE IT, BUT THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU IS CRAZY. YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO SAFE, AND MY ANXIETY FADES WHEN I WATCH YOUR VIDEOS. I RE-READ THOSE MESSAGES YOU'VE SENT ME AND THE TROUBLES OF THE WORLD FADE AWAY. YOU'RE AN AMAZING PERSON AND YOU'VE CHANGED SO MANY LIVES
CHRISTIAN NOVELLI IF ANYONE IN THE WORLD DESERVES A HAPPY LIFE, IT'S YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING YOU.
I'm crying now but it's okay I do that a lot.
It's just how I show how much I love you.
Please, please, please, please, please... Please be happy Christian. You deserve it. <3