Archive of Our Own

It happened without warning. One moment she was walking the corridors of the new Resistance base listening to Finn talk about the upcoming scouting mission, then next thing she knows Finn’s voice is gone and the only sound is her own heartbeat. Rey looks up and finds him, the Supreme Leader, at the end of the corridor. He’s standing in profile, his eyes focused on something she cannot see. He must notice her at the same moment she does him, because in the next second his head turns towards her and their eyes meet. Before the breath in her lungs can move, he vanishes. Finn continues on completely unaware of what has transpired, the whole event taking less than a handful of seconds. But Rey is aware, she is completely and absolutely aware that what she hoped was gone for good is anything but.

The next time it happens, she’s sitting on the edge of her bunk, the remains of the Skywalker saber in her hands. When the room goes silent and the air turns thick, she resolves to keep her head down. She won’t look up, won’t engage. The silence stretches on for several minutes before she feels the connection wan and close. It isn’t until she’s sure he’s gone that she raises her head.

It continues on in this way for several weeks. The connection sparking in and out of her reality. Sputtering like a dying engine. If only it would die, Rey thinks one evening. If only you would just go away and let me forget.

No matter how much she tries she can’t deny the humming thrum of the Force bond between them. Its always there, flowing through her without any effort or conscious thought. Natural, like breathing or blinking. Rey tries to distract herself by throwing herself into training or helping the Resistance. But even her distractions turn against her. When her movements become echoes of his during training, when she sees the slight limp in Finn’s step from the damage to his back, or when the warm brown eyes of Leia Organa look a little too familiar. All it does it work to remind her, and all remembering does is hurt.

She’s in her assigned quarters, ready to turn in for the night. When the Force swirls around her and sound disappears. She’s facing her bunk, her back to where she assumes he’s appeared.

“Not tonight. Please. I’m so tired. I just –“ she sighs. “Not tonight.”

He’s said nothing, as he has all other times the bond has connected them and Rey hopes against hope it will vanish quickly. She turns to sit on her bunk but stops cold when she takes in the sight of him.

He’s sitting on something she cannot see. His shirt is gone, revealing to her the expanse of his pale skin, skin which she can see is riddled with marks and bruises. There is blood on his knuckles where the skin has been ripped against bone, a bright violent red against the dark discoloration blooming down his fingers and backs of his hands. His face isn’t much better, his lip is split and bleeding, his brow swollen, his skin covered in sweat and soot.

“What happened to you?” the words escape past her lips in a breathy rush before she can think twice about it. She bites the inside of her cheek as a self-imposed punishment.

His forearms are resting on his knees, his head hanging low, but at the sound of her voice his eyes have flickered up to hers. He says nothing, makes a tiny shake of his head and looks away.

But of course he doesn’t want to speak to her. Stars forbid he ever make anything simple for her.

She scoffs. “Nevermind.” Put out by his rejection Rey makes to turn back to her bed, content to ignore him once again until the connection fades.

“Don’t pretend to care.”

His words freeze her. As effective as if he griped her with the Force. His head and eyes remain downcast but she can see the tension in his shoulders, the muscles in his arms flexing as he clenches his fists. Well, he’s not the only one who gets to be angry about this.

“What would you know of caring?” She knows the words will cut him deep, and she means for them to. After all this time, after all that has happened, she wants him to hurt. Just like she does.

He raises his head and regards her. “Of course you would think me uncaring. I’m the monster in your eyes again.”

There is no venom in his words. No fire behind his eyes. He just looks … tired. She wonders if he’s as tired as she is.

“You weren’t, for a time” she throws her words at him like stones, “but then you proved me to be a fool.”

He laughs, and the sound of it grates against her nerves. It rough and humorless, sounding more like stuttered sigh. It has no traces of joy or mirth. It sounds like pain.

“It seems we were both made fools. Led to believe that we could want for the same thing.”

“I never wanted what you wanted.”

“Didn’t you?”

Rey furrows her brow, she feels the anger swelling inside her. And were she a better Jedi, or even a better person, she may not let it take hold in her. But she’s tired and angry and this conversation is long overdue.

“You wanted to use me! You tried to manipulate me into joining you and the First Order just to increase your own power.”

“You know scavenger, I’ve considered you to be a lot of things, but a hypocrite was never one of them.”

“How am I a hypocrite?”

“You truly need to ask?” He’s sitting up now, back straight as if preparing for a fight. Well if it’s a fight you want… Rey stands straighter and crosses her arms over her chest, saying nothing. She regards him in silence, the challenge clear on her face.

“You stand there and pass judgment on me, claiming that I wanted to use you when it was you who sought to use me first. Why did you even come to me on the Supremacy?” His eyes are bright now, swimming with the heat of his anger.

“Was it because you wanted to help me? Because you cared? Or was it because you wanted to turn me from the dark side? To, how did you say it? Shift the tide? That it could be how you win.” She falters, her mask of cold anger slipping. He couldn’t possibly know what she said Luke on the island.

“My uncle talks too much,” he answers her unspoken question. “Even in death.” She isn’t sure what to make of that, of why Luke would be speaking to Kylo about her, much less how he would be speaking to Kylo about her. But he gives her no moment to consider it further. “So do you deny it? That you saw me as a means to an end, something to be used to your advantage?”

Rey isn’t sure how to respond, because even though those were her words, they sound wrong coming from him. Not what she meant them to be. She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it when she comes up with nothing.

“All I ever did was offer to share what I had with you. I offered to be your teacher to share my knowledge of the Force, I offered you a place at my side to bring about the change we wanted to see in this galaxy and you refused me at every turn. Admit it. You were never interested in saving me or caring for me. Your goal was to use me in favor of the Resistance. So tell me, little Jedi, what difference is there between you and anyone else who sought to use me? What difference is there between you and Snoke?”

Every ounce of warmth was sucked from the room. The air in her lungs felt stale and unyielding.

“How… ? How could you…? Y-You’re twisting everything! That’s not how it was. That’s not true!”

“Everything is true. From a certain point of view. So why not mine?”

He vanished before Rey could get out another word.

Over the next few days Rey could do nothing but ruminate on Kylo’s words. Hearing him compare her to Snoke made her sick to her stomach, sleep alluded her and there was a deep throbbing in her skull. How can you compare me to that creature? Do you really believe me to be so cruel?

For days, Rey moped around the Resistance base, uncharacteristically morose. And the Force bond for once, remained uncharacteristically quiet. Kylo had not appeared to her for a single moment in the last week. Rey was both relieved and furious.

Of course when I have something to say, you’re nowhere to be found.

Maybe it was really him manipulating the bond the entire time. Though she truly didn’t believe it, it felt good to place some of the blame on Kylo. Because though she was undoubtedly angry with him for his accusations and cruel words, she also couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Everything is true. From a certain point of view. Why not mine?

What is Kylo’s point of view? What was Ben’s? She knows its possible for events to be jaded by biases and perspective. The story of Ben’s fall to the dark side was proof enough of that. But what of their story? Of all that has transpired between them? How did Kylo view her actions on the Supremacy, or the throne room? Had it been her, seeing him come to her, giving her hope of a future in which the two of them stay side by side, only to turn and run the other way. Rey isn’t so sure she wouldn’t blame him either, that she wouldn’t feel just as used and abandoned.

How many people have abandoned you? Just as many as those that have abandoned me. Maybe more.

The more she lingers on these thoughts the deeper her guilt burrows in her chest, taking root and pushing her anger into forgotten corners of her mind.

She isn’t completely sure what has compelled her to do this, but here she is. Standing outside General Organa’s door trying to muster the courage to raise her hand to knock. In the end, she doesn’t have to.

The door opens from the inside and there stands the General.

“Oh! Hello Rey. What are you doing here?”

“I-I was hoping we could talk. If you have a minute?”

“Of course. Come inside.”

Rey had only ever been inside General Organa’s office a handful of times before, but never under these particular circumstances. The General made her way over to a small sitting area and gestured for Rey to join her.

“So what’s troubling you?”

Rey folds her hands in her lap and chews on the inside of her cheek, aware of just how obviously nervous she is.

“I was hoping you could help me with something. There are a few things I need to know and you’re really the only person who can help me. But … I don’t want to seem imposing. And if you aren’t comfortable talking about this then-“

“Rey.” The General interrupts her rambling and Rey’s eyes catch the General’s. Warm brown with flecks of amber. You have your mother’s eyes.

“I’m sorry General.”

“Leia. If we are going to be talking about who I suspect, then you might as well call me Leia.”

Her throat closes up and she makes a small choking sound. She wasn’t expecting the General to cut to the chase so quickly.

“It’s ok dear. I knew this conversation was going to happen at some point. I may not have been as trained as my brother, but the Force flows through me as much as it did him. Besides, sometimes a mother just knows.”

Rey isn’t sure what a mother would or wouldn’t know but she doesn’t bother saying it. This isn’t about her.

“I can feel him, you know. Sometimes when you’re near, I can feel him almost as if he was standing here with us.” The war weary General suddenly looks much older in that moment, like all the tragedies of the years past are suddenly weighing so heavily in her chest. “I don’t know what happened between you two. Chewie told me you went to the Supremacy to bring him back but didn’t say what happened. He told me you wouldn’t say.”

“It didn’t work out the way I had hoped. It changed nothing, so … I didn’t think it mattered.”

“It always matters dear.”

She knows she should probably tell Leia about the Force bond, the visions that they’ve seen, all of it. But that’s not why she’s here, and she needs to know.

“Could you tell me about him? About when he was a child?” The look of shock on Leia’s face would be comical if the tension in the room didn’t increase by tenfold in that moment. “Please?”

The older woman turns her face away and takes a moment to compose herself. They sit in silence for so long Rey starts considering just leaving. When Leia turns back to face her, the calm exterior of the General is back in place.

“He was a loving boy. Very affectionate. He would always cling to Han and I whenever we were near, loving it whenever he was being carried or held. He was also extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, I’m not sure how much of that was his Force sensitivity and how much of it was just him. But Ben always knew how we were feeling, sometimes before we even realized it ourselves. I think that made it difficult for him. Always knowing when the people are around you are hurting or angry. And not just knowing it, but feeling it yourself. I imagine it could grow to be too much.”

Too much anger. Too much pain. Too much.

“Is that why you sent him to Luke?”

“Yes and no. I had hoped that Luke would help him control his power, teach him restraint and discipline so that he wouldn’t be so lost in it all the time. He was always quick to anger, though with so much Skywalker and Solo blood running through him he had no chance of not developing a temper.” Leia lets out a soft chuckle and suddenly looks to be very far away.

“I also sent him away in hope of protecting him. I knew there was something out there that wanted him, something dark and sinister reaching out to my boy even before he was born. I was afraid. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to protect him. I wasn’t a Jedi and this wasn’t some crooked politician this was the Dark Side. I was afraid we would be no match for it. So I sent him to Luke. I sent him away … and I lost him.”

Rey leans forward and takes the General’s hand in her own, much like she had done for her on the Falcon as they flew away from Crait. She still loves you. Do you know that? Your mother still loves you.

“I wanted to protect him, but I ended up pushing him away. I should have known. He was my son and I should have known that my sweet baby who just wanted to be held wouldn’t do well being sent away. But fear… fear leads us to do irrational things.”

An image suddenly fills her head. Of Luke standing over his nephew, green saber ignited, trembling with fear and shame. They were all so afraid of what would become of you. But their actions made their fears your reality. Rey’s tightens her hold on Leia’s hand, needing to get ahold of the emotions swirling within her.

“Rey.” She looks up and is again caught in those pools of amber brown. “Why are you asking about him now?”

Because I’m pretty sure he’s just as lost as I am and I need to know why.

“I’m just trying to understand.”

Another week goes by before the bond connects them again. This time, she’s sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon, desperate to escape the concerned looks on the faces of her friends. She can feel the shift in the Force the moment it happens, and though she doesn’t look up from the control panel of his father’s ship, she knows he’s in the copilot’s seat. And she knows he’s looking at her.

“I’m not like him.” She gently runs her fingers along the controls, a featherlight touch. “At least, I didn’t intend to be.”

“I know.”

She’s shocked to hear him speak, to agree with her, but she doesn’t look up just yet. To say what she needs, she can’t look on him just yet.

“I hurt you. I see that now. And he hurt you, I know that too. We both left you feeling like you would never measure up to our expectations for you. But the difference is I never wanted to hurt you.” She can feel him shift, like he means to move towards her or reach out, she rushes on before he can do either. “I told Luke that bringing you back to the Light would be our best chance at winning this war because I couldn’t tell him the truth, about what I saw and why it made me want to go to you. The future that I saw, it was so simple.”

She looks up from the panel before her and gazes out the viewport. Still not looking in his direction. “It was just us. Together. Nothing else was clear other than you and I. I knew the only way this war would end is with us on the same side and I knew it wasn’t the side of the First Order because we were… happy. I don’t know much about the First Order but I don’t think you’ve ever been happy there, so I assumed.” She shrugs one shoulder. “I assumed the only way forward was back to the Light.”

They’re both quiet for another moment before she continues, “When you killed Snoke … I knew within the very core of myself that I was right. That I had made the right decision and I could just feel it everywhere, the rightness of us. But then you asked me to stay with the First Order and rule the galaxy and it was all just… wrong. It felt wrong, that wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen. That vision I had was gone and … it broke my heart.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath and she nearly turns to look at him, but there is one last thing she needs to say before she can.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

He still says nothing, and for a brief moment Rey believes he’s gone. But when she finally turns her face towards him, he’s there, sitting in the copilot’s chair of his father’s beloved ship. He’s staring at her intently and Rey cannot even begin to parse the meaning behind the look on his face.

“Ben?”

“Varykino.”

It’s the only word he says, and then he’s gone.

A handful of days later everything falls into chaos. There is rumor that the Supreme Leader has betrayed the First Order. That he slaughtered the generals and high ranking officers before disappearing. Rey isn’t sure how much truth there is to it all but she starts to believe them when their scouts start returning with news that the First Order is crumbling. Stormtroppers are fleeing, planets that were under the Order’s rule are revolting and winning.

General Organa wastes no time, she and her people begin organizing relief efforts for the planets at war. Refugees of the trooper program are absorbed into the Resistance ranks, helping to bring an end to the regime that stole their identities and their childhoods. Finn quickly becomes one of the General’s most valuable assets, a beacon for all those who followed his example.

Rey knows that she has a role to play, that she’s needed as their sole Force user. But the fighting is dying down, peace is coming, and Rey is needed somewhere else.

It took her much longer than she would like to admit before she figured the best person to ask about what she needed to know was Threepio. The droid was practically ancient, a neverending (and slightly annoying) stream of information and knowledge. Not to mention he was the family droid in the Organa-Solo household, so who better to ask. No sooner had Threepio explained what Varykino was before Rey commandeered herself a shuttle and was gone.

She remembers vividly arriving on Takodana, the sight of so much lush green leaving her awestruck and breathless. It was nothing in comparison to the lake country of Naboo.

Rey touched down in a field of yellow and purple wildflowers alongside a sparkling lake that stretched on for what felt like infinity. There was a grand villa that to Rey resembled more of a palace fit for royalty. But none of it, not the field of flowers, the dazzling lake or the beautiful villa could compare to the sight of the man standing in the middle of the field.

His back was to her, but of course he knew she was there. Rey took a moment to drink in the sight of him. His broad shoulders seemed more relaxed, as if the tension that was always inside of him had vanished. His dark hair curled and twisted in the wind, kissing the collar of his dark blue tunic. He stood as tall and imposing as ever but she felt no sense of danger as she walked towards him, coming to stand by his side.

“I can see why they liked it here. Why they chose this place.” His voice is gravelly and rough, but his words are spoken softly.

“It is beautiful,” she agrees as she looks out over the water.

“I owe you an apology. Many apologies actually…”

They turn to face each other and Rey can see that even though he seemed at peace from afar, he’s weary. His eyes carry dark circles underneath and several spots on his skin are tinted green and yellow where the bruises have begun to heal. He rubs his lips together as if he’s trying to work out the words that want to spring forward.

“Its ok Ben. We both made mistakes-“

“No. Mistakes are things that happen by accident. The things I’ve done are inexcusable.” He swallows and she watches his throat bob. “I’m not foolish enough to believe that you could ever truly forgive me for all that I’ve done. But you apologized to me, and so I’d like to do the same.”

The soft wind blows around them, cutting through the wildflowers and Rey thinks she hears voices echoing on the breeze.

“I’m sorry Rey.”

There is so much more that needs to be said between them. So much that needs to be worked through and fixed. But for right now, in this moment she feels like it all can wait. They’ve been chasing and circling each other for so long, alternating between predator and prey. But now its time to let it go.

Rey steps forward into him and reaches up to place the palms of her hands on either side of his face. In the golden light of country sun his warm chocolate eyes melt into a soft copper. She soft traces her thumb over one of the bruises coloring his cheekbone.

“Did you really do it? Burn it all down?”

A pained look crosses his face and Rey notices a small muscle jump under his left eye.

“Yes.”

She nods and lets both her thumbs slowly trace the surprisingly soft skin of his cheeks.

“What changed?”

Another twitch under his eye and his throat bobs again.

“Nothing really. It was as terrible as it had always been. Maybe more so. That night when you saw me, when we argued, there had been an attempt on my life. I wasn’t surprised or even angry that it happened. I was just tired. None of it seemed worth it anymore. Not without …”

Rey isn’t sure its possible to drown outside of water, but that’s what it feels like. The roaring of blood in her ears reminding her of the sound of crashing waves.

Without a word, Rey leans up onto her toes and brings her lips to his. They feel dry and cracked against her own, but warm and soft. His large hands come to rest on the small of her back, and Rey doesn’t think about how much blood has covered those hands. Instead she thinks of those hands stretching across the galaxy to find hers and she pushes further into his solid warmth.

A whiny sound she never thought he could make escapes Ben as she slowly lowers herself down and takes a small step back from him.

“It really is beautiful here.” She extends her hand out to him, palm facing the sky. “Show me around?”

Ben looks down at her outstretched hand, then back up to her. With the beginnings of a smile on his lips, he takes his hand in hers and starts walking.