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From what Kurt told him, life in the small Bushwick loft was chaos enough with three people.
Add Sam and Blaine into that situation, and it was nearly impossible to fit them all in there, and for Blaine to get any alone time with Kurt.
It was great to see Rachel and Santana, Blaine was happy to see them he truly was, and well, Sam is his best friend and they came together so Blaine expected him to be there, but Blaine didn’t come all this way to New York for a weekend just to not get any time to cherish Kurt, who was now his Fiance.
It was the day before Blaine and Sam had to fly back home to Ohio, and other than making out at night in Kurt’s bed, Blaine had hardly gotten any time alone with just him.
Rachel and Santana were both out, and Kurt sent Sam on an adventure somewhere, telling him about a cool museum a few blocks away that may or may not have been real, Blaine couldn’t tell. Kurt texted them all and told them that he and Blaine had the loft until at least 6:30, and if anyone tried to come home before that there would be consequences.
Finally, they were alone, and while they both wanted to just sit and talk with each other, they knew better than to waste this time where they could be physically intimate without having to worry about how much noise they were making, or worry about Sam barging through the curtain at any moment to update Blaine on whatever new superhero comic he was reading currently.
One thing led to another, and in a matter of moments they were both shirtless, Kurt laying on his back on the bed while Blaine hovered over him, kissing him deeply on the mouth and tracing up his jaw and down his neck.
Kurt’s eyes were closed and his hands were in Blaine’s hair as Blaine moved down his body, his tongue running over his collarbones.
Blaine had done this a million times, he knew Kurt’s body like the back of his hand. His mouth knew instinctively where to go next, where to add more pressure, what spots would make Kurt squirm and giggle, and what spots would make him moan and tug Blaine’s hair harder.
Every inch of Kurt’s body had been traced, mapped, and defined by Blaine and he knew the exact feel of Kurt under his tongue.
Blaine immediately noticed that something was different.
As he traced his tongue up Kurt’s collarbones, Blaine noticed that they felt sharper and more prominent. Kurt’s skin ran thin over the bones there and Blaine pulled back a little. It wasn’t bad and it wasn’t wildly different… it just felt off, like Blaine was kissing a copy of Kurt that someone had made, almost exactly the same, but a few small details forgotten.
Blaine realized, that it could be the fact that he hadn’t seen Kurt in a few weeks. Maybe Kurt was exactly the same as he had always been, and Blaine had just forgotten? It seemed unlikely to Blaine, but then again Blaine often thought about Kurt and his body at night, maybe he had just been making stuff up for his fantasies?
But then again, when you know someone as intimately as Blaine knew Kurt, time doesn’t erase the memory of how their body feels.
Blaine didn’t realize how long he was hovering, just staring at Kurt’s collarbones, until Kurt opened his eyes and spoke.
“Is… Is something wrong, Blaine?” He questioned, and Blaine saw the self consciousness lying just beneath the surface of Kurt’s usually confident and bold eyes. Blaine panicked. He didn’t want Kurt to think he was judging his body or displeased with him, especially since he had noticed Kurt had been a little tense lately, and Blaine didn’t want to make him blow up or shut him out.
“No, no sorry, everything’s fine,” he reassured, moving his attention back to Kurt’s neck. “Everything’s fine, you’re so beautiful baby,” he murmured, moving down past Kurt’s collarbones to his nipples. He meant it, Kurt was still absolutely beautiful, perfect in Blaine’s eyes, even if he felt a little… strange, was the only word Blaine could come up with.
Blaine flicked his tongue over each nipple, making Kurt gasp and arch his back. Blaine took advantage of the opening to slip his arm under Kurt… and wait, was that his spine?
Blaine could feel the individual bumps of each bone in Kurt’s spine. That was definitely different. Not necessarily bad… nothing about Kurt was bad or ugly to Blaine. But he hadn’t imagined the collarbones, he realized. Something about Kurt’s body had changed.
He didn’t stop or pull back because he didn’t want to scrutinize Kurt under his gaze. The last thing he wanted to do was make Kurt feel insecure, especially if he was trying some new diet or working out more. But this didn’t feel like working out to Blaine. There was no muscle, only bone and skin.
Blaine continued working his mouth down Kurt’s chest and froze when he felt hard ridges under his tongue. Kurt’s ribs, he realized suddenly.
He pulled his head back and examined Kurt’s chest thoroughly for the first time since he had arrived there that weekend.
He could see Kurt’s ribs.
Kurt had always been skinny, he had a far more lean and slender build than Blaine. During Blaine’s junior year, Kurt had sprung like a weed. He grew into his skin during that time, Blaine remembered each time they had sex being completely different than the time before as Kurt’s body matured, the fat he still had from his early teen years disappearing.
It had been exhilarating to watch Kurt’s body change, it became more and more sexy each day. Kurt became more confident and more in control of himself and his sexual desires. Blaine thought that maybe that would happen for him his senior year, but that dream was short lived when the doctor confirmed to him that he would in fact, only be 5’8 for the rest of his life. It didn’t bother Blaine too much, or at least he tried not to let it bother him. He always felt sexy when he was with Kurt, and that was enough for him.
But now, Kurt was skinny, in a completely different way than he was last year. His body was slender, but way too slender. He looked frail, and Blaine’s heart felt like it was being shattered when he saw the bones sticking up from Kurt’s torso. A wave of sadness washed over him when it occurred to him what Kurt might be dealing with. He pulled off of him and sat up.
“Okay seriously, what’s wrong?” Kurt asked, his hands wrapping around his stomach. Blaine searched his eyes and was surprised to find that there wasn’t any anger in Kurt’s eyes, mostly he just looked unsure and nervous.
Blaine was treading on eggshells. He needed Kurt to talk to him but he didn’t want to say anything that would make him feel bad about himself. Getting Kurt to open up was hard, something Blaine was still figuring out how to do. But he knew Kurt, and the fact that Kurt let Blaine take off his shirt and kiss down his chest meant that Kurt wanted to bring this to Blaine’s attention, he just didn’t know how. Kurt had a hard time initiating conversation about personal things, especially if he was struggling with something. If he really hadn’t wanted to have this conversation with Blaine, he would’ve found a way for them to not get any time alone, letting a simple hand job at night with clothes still on or in the dark be the only intimacy for the whole trip. This gave Blaine some comfort as he decided what to say. Above everything else, he wanted to make sure Kurt knew he loved him. Love was the base of their relationship, and Blaine would make a point for it to be the base of this conversation.
Because he did love Kurt, more than anyone in the whole world, more than himself, and his heart felt like it had been ripped out of his chest seeing him like this.
“Can we talk?” he started carefully, focusing on Kurt’s face. Kurt just stared back at him. “I mean, can we have a conversation, a real one? If I ask you something will you try to be open and answer me honestly?” he ventured. Kurt’s bottom lip trembled, and Blaine could tell he already knew where this was going. Kurt nodded.
“That’s what fiancees are for, right?” he said quietly, and Blaine realized how hard this was for Kurt to be this vulnerable and that he had purposely initiated this conversation. Blaine’s heart swelled with pride for him, and pride for how far their relationship had come, he knew he had Kurt’s trust again after working so hard to gain it back.
“Kurt, I love you,” he stated, as if it were the most important statement in the entire world, because to them, it was. “And you are the most beautiful person I know, inside and out. You’re perfect, you always have been and you always will be,” he grasped Kurt’s hand and scooted closer to him. “Honey something is… different. You feel different, your- your body is different,” he stammered, unsure exactly what to say. Emotion overwhelmed him when he realized the severity of the situation and he choked out his question bluntly. “Honey, are- are you eating?”
Kurt’s eyes were glazed with a layer of tears, and he shook his head slightly, all he could manage before the tears spilled out and he looked away from Blaine, unable to speak. Blaine moved to sit at his side, their backs against the headboard as he pulled Kurt’s head onto his shoulder, wrapping his arms around him. He felt Kurt’s tears roll down his chest as Kurt clung to him, burying his face into his neck.
It made sense to Blaine. Looking back on the last couple days, he realized he had seen all the signs, he just hadn’t thought much of it. Kurt passed up every meal, saying he grabbed a snack at work during his lunch break at the diner, or that his stomach didn’t feel well and he didn’t feel like eating. When he had eaten, Blaine remembered he had taken a tiny portion of food, stating that he was trying to cut back on calories and he was already over for the day because of all the food he had eaten while Blaine was off touring colleges with Sam.
He hadn’t eaten, at all, it was all lies.
It was easy for Blaine to not have thought much of it, because it had only been a few days. But if this had been happening everyday for weeks, then this was a serious problem. With Santana and Rachel always in and out of the loft, and Blaine back in Ohio, no one was there to monitor Kurt, to check and see if he was actually eating. And why not believe him when he said he did?
But it was more than that too. Kurt had gotten dizzy on the subway yesterday, nearly falling onto Blaine. He laughed, telling Blaine that the subway was too crowded and he was just hot. Blaine was alarmed because he always was concerned for Kurt, probably a little too much, but he dropped it because Kurt was right, the subway was hot and crowded. He also dropped it because around the fourth time of Blaine asking him if he was positive he was okay, Kurt snapped at him telling him that he was fine and Blaine’s persistent asking was getting annoying.
What made the most sense, was the way Kurt had been acting. Kurt had been noticeably irritable the last couple weeks, cutting their Skype dates short and replying with one word texts. Blaine had been slightly apprehensive about coming this weekend, because the last thing he wanted to do was get in a fight with Kurt. Blaine didn’t think he could handle anymore heartache between the two of them after this past year. He was already treading a very fine line of falling back into depression himself, because that’s just the way Blaine was. Though his happiness was always apparent on the outside, annoyingly so, his happiness on the inside came and went in swings. Sometimes, everything was fine, and other times for weeks Blaine felt suffocated and enveloped by a darkness that he couldn’t explain but was so familiar to him.
The way Kurt had been acting hurt him, but he hadn’t said anything because he feared that an argument with Kurt would push him over the edge and back into that dark place again. But he realized that all that time he was so worried with his own well being, the thought of Kurt acting harsh because he was struggling hadn’t even occurred to Blaine.
For the first time since he proposed, Blaine wondered if they were too young to be doing this. Obviously they both had a lot they still needed to figure out individually. It had taken weeks for Blaine to realize this potentially harmful situation for Kurt because neither of them were communicating their feelings to each other. Hell, Blaine had been nervous to see his own fiance because he felt like he couldn’t just talk to him.
No, he couldn’t think those things. He wasn’t going to give up on them that easily. They had built back the foundation of their relationship, they were finally together, and this was just the first bump in the road. They could do this, they wanted to do this, and they would work it out together. The important thing was that Kurt had come to him, even if it wasn’t verbally, and they were going to talk this out now, and it wasn’t going to be a fight. Even if Blaine felt like a dick for not being there for Kurt, he was here for him now and Kurt was open, exposed, vulnerable, and sobbing into Blaine’s shoulder. They would learn from this, and they would work on communicating. This is how relationships get stronger, right?
Blaine thought about all those things, but the focus of his mind landed on the thought; why? Why would Kurt be struggling with this? Why would Kurt stop eating or want to be thinner? He held Kurt as he cried, massaging his back and kissing his hair. Anxiety and sadness washed away as he looked at the beautiful young man in his arms, his first boyfriend, his best friend, his first lover, now his fiance, and all he felt was love. Love above everything else.
“Do y-you,” Kurt hiccuped his words between sobs. “Do you think that I-I’m ugly now?” he gulped, trembling in Blaine’s arms. Blaine felt his mouth drop open. To see Kurt, his Kurt, that had built his walls so high, who had become this charming young man that everyone fawned over, seemingly unstoppable, be in such a vulnerable and scared position, scared that his own fiance was disgusted with him, shifted Blaine’s entire world.
Blaine could never verbally describe his feelings towards Kurt. It was something so strong, so indestructible, something he would never be able to understand and yet at the same time, the clearest, most real, most amazing thing he had in his life. He loved Kurt with a love that was insurmountable, bigger than anything he felt capable of holding in his body.
The fact that Kurt wondered if Blaine thought he was ugly was so foreign in his brain, so incomprehensible to him, that he actually felt a little sick to his stomach. Kurt was the most beautiful person Blaine knew, and it was more than just his appearance. Yes, Kurt was stunning, but Blaine loved his body because it was Kurt, because it was the thing that housed his beautiful soul, his brilliant mind, and his loving heart. Blaine loved every inch of Kurt not because of the way it looked, but simply because it was a part of him. Blaine could feel Kurt’s heartbeat at different parts of his body, he could feel the life inside him, and it didn’t matter what it looked like, Blaine loved Kurt so unconditionally that the last thought Blaine could ever think was that Kurt’s body was ugly.
He shook his head vehemently. “Absolutely not,” he said looking down into Kurt’s eyes. “Never. Never Kurt. I could never think that,” Blaine hesitated telling him that he was beautiful, because even though he was, Blaine wanted him to be healthy and he didn’t want to encourage Kurt to be satisfied with his body like this.
“It’s just so hard,” Kurt choked out. Blaine waited for him to continue, but Kurt just sat there trembling, clinging to Blaine for support.
“What’s hard, Kurt?” he prompted softly. He ran his hands over Kurt’s skin, somehow trying to push all the love from his body into Kurt’s. Kurt’s tears had slowed and he sighed heavily before he sat up off of Blaine’s body so they could sit face to face.
“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you want to be doing and if we talk now we’re going to miss the only chance we have to do anything before you have to go back home and then it’ll be a couple weeks before we can see each other again and…” Kurt rambled, something he did frequently as a defense mechanism when he was just about to open completely to Blaine and tell him something really personal.
“Kurt, stop,” Blaine stilled Kurt’s hands that had been waving frantically in the air. “I don’t care about anything else right now. Sex doesn’t come first, you come first. Talking to you comes first, there’s nothing else I’d rather be doing. And,” he ran his hands over Kurt’s engagement ring. “This is serious Kurt, you realize how dangerous this is right?” Blaine questioned.
“Of course I do, Blaine,” Kurt snapped, before dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he breathed. “I’m sorry, I’m not going to snap. I’m not. I don’t want to argue, I want to talk to you, you make me feel sane and I need you-” his voice broke. Blaine felt tears come to his eyes. Hearing Kurt say he needed him was something Blaine always knew, but didn’t hear Kurt voice often.
“I’m here, baby,” Blaine soothed. “Kurt, what’s hard?” he asked again. Kurt exhaled deeply.
“This whole year… has just been…I guess it started back in the fall, well when, you know,” he looked shyly up at Blaine and Blaine nodded, no further explanation needed because, yeah, Blaine knew. “I started skipping meals because I felt too sad to eat. I felt alone, I felt scared, I felt undeserving, I didn’t know who I was. I was floating Blaine, just this idea of a person with no sense of direction. My life was turned upside down and I didn’t know what I was doing anymore and it just didn’t seem worth it to eat, to enjoy food, to enjoy anything really,” Tears streamed down Blaine’s face as he listened, knowing that some of this was because of the pain he caused Kurt. Kurt looked up at him and grabbed for his hand, needing some sort of contact between them.
“That was the main reason. I needed to feel something, I needed something I could turn to to take the pain away. But it was heightened by my life here in the city. I’d go to work everyday at Vogue, I’d see hundreds of models and I was constantly focused on designs and appearances, and it’d be so easy to get wrapped up in the thought of wanting to be skinnier when I was constantly surrounded by that. And then, when I got into NYADA, I’d go to class and I’d see all these aspiring actors and dancers who were so thin and I knew I just wasn’t doing enough. If I really wanted to make it in this business, to stand out, then I needed to fit the part better,” he ducked his head and looked down.
“Kurt,” Blaine asked shakily. “This has really been happening since the fall?” Blaine felt like the room was spinning. “But what about Valentine’s day?” When they had hooked up at Mr. Schue’s wedding, Kurt had felt almost exactly the same as Blaine remembered, their bodies fell perfectly back in line together, even if the dynamic between them had shifted slightly.
“Well it got better,” Kurt said quietly. “After Christmas, when I saw you again finally, I started eating more. I felt better, more on track, more in control of my life. And I had been so good about it, I was happy again, until, u-until…” Kurt stopped, his shoulders shaking.
“Until?” Blaine probed gently. Kurt looked up at him, opened his mouth, and closed it again. His face scrunched up in a way that Blaine had only seen a few times in all the years he had known Kurt, his eyes squeezing shut hard as big tears slipped out of them. His chest heaved up and down as he sobbed so hard that he couldn’t make any noise. Blaine had only seen him cry like this the night he broke up with him, on the anniversary of his Mom’s death, and…
“Finn,” Blaine breathed. “Oh honey…” Blaine moved towards him, wrapping his arms around him again as Kurt shook and then his silent sobs turned into heart wrenching wails.
Time seemed to stop as they sat there. Blaine held Kurt as he cried with him, about what, he wasn’t really sure anymore. About Finn, about Kurt, about the whole last horrible school year, everything and nothing in particular all at once.
Blaine put pieces together as he held Kurt. Kurt stopped eating when he no longer felt in control of his life. Blaine cheating on him, Finn’s death, these were two things that took him completely by surprise. They had uprooted his very foundation and he needed an outlet, something he could rely on, something he could feel, something that would have solid results when everything else seemed to be untrustworthy. Kurt always liked to have everything planned, he liked for things to be just the way he wanted them.
Kurt was such a brave person, and he handled everything that happened to him back in high school with admirable strength. But these were things that couldn’t be dealt with by simply putting on armor and saying it doesn’t bother you. You can’t turn your cheek and hold your head high with these things the way you can with bullies.
After a while, Blaine laid Kurt gently down onto the bed, wrapping the blankets around him. Kurt looked exhausted and Blaine was sure there would be a lively dinner tonight in the loft with lots of singing and laughing and he didn’t want Kurt to be drained the whole night. He leaned down and kissed his cheek.
“Thank you for telling me, Kurt,” he said softly. “We’re going to figure this out and we’re going to get through it together. We will talk more later, I promise. Right now I want you to sleep, Okay?” He kissed him again. “Just know that above everything else, I love you,” Kurt nodded and pulled Blaine back down for another kiss.
“I love you, too,” he sniffled, his eyes drifting closed. Blaine put another blanket on top of him and turned to leave, assuming Kurt needed some space. Kurt grabbed his wrist.
“Stay with me?” he asked. Blaine smiled. He didn’t want Kurt to be dealing with this, but at least he could feel it already bringing them closer. His heart swelled at the thought that Kurt had both opened up to him, and wanted him to stay with him. They could do this. They could be married. Love was the base of their relationship, and it could get them through any obstacle.
“Of course,” Blaine climbed under the covers and slid in behind Kurt, wrapping his arms around him and snuggling into his familiar warmth. Kurt still felt the same, still fit perfectly into Blaine’s embrace.
“Blaine,” Kurt whispered. Blaine made a small noise of encouragement to let Kurt know he was listening.
“I promise I’ll be healthy again by our wedding,” he mumbled softly. Blaine didn’t say anything immediately, just kissed the back of his neck in response.
“We’ll get there don’t worry. No matter what Kurt, I love you just the way you are,” Blaine felt Kurt’s breathing slow and become deeper and he kissed the back of his neck again.
The being he was holding in his arms was so strong, confident, and fierce. Blaine had been lucky enough to be allowed underneath all that, to be the source of comfort for him in times of need, to see his insecurities and his faults. Even though he had grown up a lot, Kurt was still that boy with a terrible but endearing disguise on the Dalton staircase, just trying to find his way in the world, to fit in without losing his individuality.
Blaine loved him with a love that was more powerful than he could ever express.
…
Later that night, Kurt ate at dinner. It still wasn’t much, but it was the most Blaine had seen the whole weekend. Blaine tapped his leg under the table and gave him a loving smile. Kurt smiled back and mouthed “I love you” before he turned his attention back to the conversation at the table.
When the group had settled in the living room, and the discussion started about Sam having to lose weight to model for House of Bichette, Blaine looked at Kurt worriedly. But he was surprised when Kurt told Sam he didn’t need to be skinny to model.
“You know what I think,” Blaine announced suddenly. “I think that this argument would be best made in a song,” he said, flashing Kurt a smile and getting up to sit at the piano.
As he started playing the song that had been running through his mind the whole afternoon, he watched Kurt sing. His heart felt so full of love for him and he knew that no matter what happened, or what they went through, Kurt was it for him.
When Blaine came in with his lines, he sang to Sam, but he mostly sang to Kurt, replaying the events from earlier in his mind and continuing their conversation in a way only Kurt would understand, reminding him he loved him just the way he was.
Kurt joined him and they communicated with just each other, in a room full of people, through the song.
“I said I love you,” they sang together.
“That’s forever” Blaine sang, gazing lovingly at Kurt.
“Forever,” Kurt echoed him, dancing and smiling back at him.
“And this I promise from the heart,” They sang together. Blaine kept his eyes on Kurt the rest of the song, smiling at him the whole time.
They would get through this just like they got through everything, by each other’s side, holding hands and remembering the most important thing that had brought them together and would always guide them back to each other; love.
Love above everything else.