Chapter Text

Kaldur Durham has created the chat: Happy Harbor HS GSA Club

Saturday, September 9
11:47 EST

Kaldur has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Dick Grayson to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Wally West to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Megan Morse to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Conner Kent to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.

Kaldur has added Zatanna Zatara to the conversation.

Kaldur: Hello, you all may remember me from our meeting yesterday. I thought it would be beneficial to have a place where we can post announcements or any other GSA-related matters. It might also be a good idea for us to get more acquainted with each other. Please contact me if you have any further concerns.

Wally: we stan one (1) fearless leader

Wally: also HI FELLOW GAYS

Dick: *gasp* WALLY

Wally: *gasp* D I C K

Dick: My bro,,,,, my pal,,,,, my greatest love,,,,,,,,, wassup

Dick: Kal you’re doing amazing sweetie

Zatanna: hi

Raquel: Hey everybody  

Conner: wait what is this

Wally: group chat, dude

Conner: oh

Conner: um hi

Kaldur: Please say your name, sexuality, pronouns, and anything else you think would help us get to know you please.

Kaldur: I’m Kaldur, I use he/him pronouns, and I am bisexual.

Wally: okay two things

Wally: (1) didn’t we already do this during the meeting yesterday

Wally: (2) I already know you and dick so does that mean I’m done

Artemis: You do realize there are five other people here, right?

Wally: what, you jealous there’s no 1 on 1 time with the wallman? ;)

Artemis: What the fuck is a wallman

Wally: uhh me?

Artemis: Ew

Wally: R U D E

Wally: and who even are you I don’t know you

Artemis: Who are you?

Wally: I asked you first

Artemis: I asked you second

Dick: Hey I’m Dick, he/him, and a sophomore. I’m bi as fuck

Artemis: (She/her) Here’s to feeling bi as fuck dude

Dick: Eyyyyyyy

Artemis: Eyyyyyy

Dick: EYYYYYYYYY

Artemis: EYYYYYYYY

Dick: E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y !!!!!!!!!!!!

Artemis: E EYEYY YY YY Y Y Y Y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Conner: OH MY GOD SHUT UP

Dick: Boo you whore

Conner: im conner. he & him ace, junior

Raquel: She/her lesbian and I’m a junior too. My name is Raquel with a B and I’ve been afraid of insects my whole life

Dick: Wait where is it

Raquel: Pardon me?

Zatanna: oh boy

Dick: Where’s the B

Raquel: T HER E’S A B EE ? ?

Zatanna: i’m pansexual, she/her, and a sophomore. hello fellow kids

Megan: Hi I’m Megan!! She/her trans girl and pansexual :3

Wally: YO ANOTHER TRANS PERSON WHADDUP

Megan: H I

Wally: sorry dick but you’ve been bumped to second best friend now. megan here is taking your spot

Dick: Acceptable

Dick: Artemis would you like to replace Wally as my best friend?

Artemis: I would be honored

Wally: t r A I T o R

Wally: btw I’m Wally, he/him trans dude, bi bi bi, and conveniently single in case anyone was wondering ;)

Dick: Literally no one was wondering that

Wally: yes yes they were

Artemis: Keep telling yourself that

Wally: NNNNNGGGG FUCK YOU ARTEMIS

Wally: wait a second

Wally: rude, sarcastic, has the face of regina george mixed with a baboon when I picture you in my head…

Wally: were you that blonde girl who threw a stapler at me during gay club yesterday?????

Artemis: Depends. Were you that annoying guy who kept yelling “yeet” every five seconds like an idiot?

Wally: ………………..I feel like this is a trap

Megan: Wait so can someone please remind me of what we’re supposed to talk about here?

Dick: Politics

Zatanna: cat food

Raquel: Turtles

Artemis: Artichoke farms

Kaldur: You all have five seconds before I remove you from this chat.

Wally: oooooooooh you got in trouble

Kaldur: And like I said, this is just for general camaraderie and in case I need to talk to everyone at once about club affairs.

Wally: so basically ur just taking all the gays and trapping us in one place

Wally: risky, dude. risky

Wally: also can I just say I cannot wait for the moment you slip up with your “responsible club captain” act and accidentally reveal to everyone here how inaccurate that is because Disaster Kal is,,,, come se dice,,,, a treat

Conner: wait so you guys already knew each other before gsa?

Wally: yeah me, kal and dick are besties

Raquel: Excuse me but where in the fuck is your oxford comma good sir because I Do Not See One

Wally: don’t do this raq. don’t destroy our fragile acquaintanceship by calling me out like this

Raquel: Hmmmmmm

Wally: S HUT UP

Raquel: HMMMMMMMM

Megan: Artemis, I think you’re in my english class right? With Mr. Stewart?

Artemis: Howdy

Megan: Okay yay I have a friend here

Wally: hdhsjdj ????????

Wally: how could do you me like that meg

Wally: I thought we had something

Wally: how could you associate yourself with Her

Wally: the very same miscreant who tried to take my life

Wally: I have never felt so betrayed in my sixteen whole years of existence

Megan: Sorry Wally :(

Megan: You’re my friend too don’t worry :)

Wally: ha SUCK IT ARTEMIS

Artemis: Die

Kaldur: I think…this is getting a bit out of hand.

Wally: you brought this on yourslef buddy

Dick: Yourslef

Conner: yourslef

Raquel: Yourslef

Wally: hush

Wally: and in the name of camaraderie, I have a very important pop quiz for you folks that could mean the difference between life and death depending on your answer

Wally: pineapple on pizza. go.

Zatanna: why?

Wally: I need to know who here I can trust

Artemis: pineapple on pizza is great

Wally: my point exactly

Wally: I could sense it from the start that you were evil

Megan: I like it too… :(

Wally: that’s okay megan darling I still love you even if ur a godless heathen <3

Megan: Yay!!

Dick: I vote Bad

Raquel: Same. That stuff is nasty

Kaldur: Agreed.

Conner: pineapple on pizza is only good if you add mayonnaise

Wally: kjkjslslsld????

Wally: wHOmst????

Dick: Dear god

Raquel: My soul just left my body

Conner: bigots

Megan has renamed the group: The Mind Link

Kaldur: Why.

Megan: Sorry Kaldur. Just thought the other one was a bit long

Wally: idk I think it could still use a bit more pizzazz

Wally has renamed the group: The Mind Kink

Kaldur: Wally.

Wally: my finger slipped

Kaldur: You are single-handedly driving me to an early grave.

Wally: only if you promise to take me with you

Kaldur: Deal.

Raquel: Ooh I wanna come too

Raquel: I have a quiz next period I didn’t study for

Dick: Don’t worry we’ll rent a clown car

Wally: make it rainbow or you’re straight  

Dick: What do you take me for of COURSE it’ll be rainbow

Wally: thx babe <3

Dick: Anything for you babe <3

Artemis: Wait are you two actually dating?

Artemis: Because no offense Dick, but you can do so much better

Wally: Say That To My Face Bitch

Artemis: I don’t like you

Wally: :/

Wally: huh

Dick: You told her to say it

Wally: you don’t even know me

Artemis: You don’t know me either

Wally: don’t need to

Wally: I know enough and it’s bleak

Artemis: At least I’m not named after a robot

Wally: well your hair is dumb so fuck you

Artemis: Ouch

Artemis: Hold on while I cry

Dick: To answer your question Artemis, no we’re not dating

Dick: We’ve been best friends since like middle school

Wally: and if dick and I dated I’m pretty sure we would win couple of the millennium and I just can’t bear to do that to bradgelina

Dick: Except for that one time we kissed during spin the bottle in seventh grade and you tasted like old fish

Dick: #NeverAgain

Wally: bitch

Wally: I’m an excellent kisser

Wally: ask roy, he kissed me once too and gave it a 7/10 so HA

Dick: Okay but Roy also has a pair of lime green crocs so are we really going to trust his judgement on anything?

Wally: that’s it someone needs to kiss me right now and prove this fool wrong

Wally: pucker up fellas

Artemis: Wally can you please not be a hoe for five seconds of your life

Artemis: Did you mean Roy as in Roy Harper just now?

Wally: yeah?

Artemis: Oh

Wally: why?

Artemis: No reason

Artemis > Bitch In Law

Saturday, September 9
12:32 EST

Artemis: Your days are numbered

Artemis: Get your affairs in order because I’m going to kill you the next time I see you

Bitch In Law: Good afternoon to you too.    

Zatanna > Artemis

Saturday, September 9
14:33 EST

Zatanna: so…..

Artemis: So……..

Artemis: What?

Zatanna: what did u think of gay club???

Artemis: Oh

Artemis: It was fine I guess

Zatanna: that’s it?

Artemis: What do you want me to say?

Zatanna: i dunno, that ur whole life has officially changed for the better? that you’ve decided to abandon the dark and twisty lifestyle and meet some new people?

Artemis: That sounds terrible

Zatanna: do u think you’ll keep going?

Artemis: I mean  

Artemis: Maybe?

Artemis: You know I’m not a people person

Zatanna: we’re doing this i guess then huh

Artemis: What?

Zatanna: Artemis.

Zatanna: i’m saying this with the utmost love and respect okay

Zatanna: but u are about as social as a moldy turnip.

Artemis: That’s a creative image

Zatanna: u wouldn’t have agreed to go to the first meeting with me if u didn’t secretly want to get out of ur comfort zone at least a little bit, right?

Artemis: So?

Zatanna: so i don’t want you to pass up something that might be good for you

Artemis: You sound like my mom stop it

Zatanna: am i wrong tho?

Artemis: No but you’re also like twelve so who’s to say

Zatanna: take that back u overgrown pine tree

Zatanna: but seriously, you really like gsa?

Artemis: It’s not bad

Artemis: It was kind of fun being with people like me, as cliche as that sounds

Artemis: That Wally guy though? He’s a major asshole

Zatanna: yeah i could see that disaster coming from a mile away

Zatanna: i know he seems kind of iffy at first, but trust me he’s great once u get to know him

Artemis: I’ll take your word for it

Artemis: Btw are we still meeting up for McDonald’s because I’m in the parking lot now

Zatanna: yeah, omw

Group Chat: Bread

Saturday, September 9
14:47 EST

Rye Bread: You are both officially shunned until further notice.

Wonder Bread: Welp

Bagél: I would just like to say that I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life

Wonder Bread: I know this…and I love you

Bagél: I love you too :)

Bagél: MONEY PLEEEASE

Wonder Bread: Okay but really what did we do

Wonder Bread: Because odds are it was Wally’s fault

Bagél: how dare you pin this on me

Bagél: everyone knows that of the three of us you’re the one most likely to become a criminal mastermind and enslave humanity

Wonder Bread: I mean

Wonder Bread: Yeah

Rye Bread: What’s this I hear? The wind?

Wonder Bread: Roy

Rye Bread: Perhaps a ghost whispering in my ear?

Wonder Bread: ROY

Rye Bread: Funny, it sounds almost like what my old friend D*ck’s voice used to sound like before he was shunned for all eternity.

Wonder Bread: Did you just censor my name you bitch

Bagél: is this about when I stole your mamma mia dvd last week because I swear I’m gonna return it

Rye Bread: THAT WAS YOU??

Bagél: uh

Bagél: no

Wonder Bread: Smooth

Bagél: spoken like the true evildoer who got me shunned by my very own bro

Wonder Bread: IT WASN’T ME

Bagél: IT WAS YOU

Bagél: Roy please esplain to this fool that this is all his fault

Wonder Boy: ……esplain

Bagél: QUIET, CRIMINAL

Rye Bread: It was both of you actually, so you’re at fault too here Wally.

Wonder Bread: And the plot chickens

Rye Bread: Hello?? Movie theater ring any bells??

Bagél: ………whoops

Wonder Bread: Can I just say, from the bottom of my heart,

Wonder Bread: My bad

Rye Bread: Damn straight.

Rye Bread: I waited two hours for you jerks to show up.

Rye Bread: It started RAINING.

Rye Bread: I got a COLD probably.

Bagél: oof

Bagél: okay I’ll admit it, we dropped the ball on that one

Bagél: but in my defense, dick never reminded me to text you and tell you we were staying after

Wonder Bread: Actually, I told YOU to remind ME to text Roy, and you said you would when you finished your burrito but then you bought another burrito and forgot

Bagél: fine, mistakes were made okay

Rye Bread: What were you even staying after for?? You two never stay after school on fridays.

Wonder Bread: Gsa

Rye Bread: Oh.

Rye Bread: I thought you said you weren’t going to do it?

Wonder Bread: Yeah, but Kaldur’s club captain and we wanted to support him

Bagél: plus there were cookies shaped like danny devito and I had to get in on that action

Bagél: you should join! it’s pretty cool actually

Rye Bread: Pass.

Wonder Bread: *cough* homophobe *cough*

Rye Bread: Buddy you are talking to one whole bisexual.

Rye Bread: It’s just not my style. You know I’m not much of a club guy.

Rye Bread: Have fun, though.

Rye Bread: Also because you both abandoned me and left me for dead, you’re paying for my movie ticket so let’s go.

Bagél: fineeeeee

Chapter Text

Group chat: The Mind Kink

Tuesday, September 12
09:26 EST

Wally: h…hewwo?

Wally: ...is anybwody hewre? (ﾟωﾟ；)

Conner: i am literally going to throw you off a cliff

Wally: fuck uwu >;c

Raquel: Dear god

Raquel: It’s like you want me to claw my eyes out

Wally: >:3c

Dick: I’m calling the police

Wally: (◡‿◡✿) do it bitch

Wally: (◉‿◉✿) see what happens

Artemis: Y’all really want to see me kill myself huh

Wally: go yiff furself Artemis uwu

Raquel: HOLY FUCKINGG SHI T

Wally: look I did a lot of research to harass you all with these furry jokes and the things I saw there? the things I will never be able to unsee?

Wally: I suffered more than you ever will

Wally: be grateful

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Tuesday, September 12
12:36 EST

Zatanna: hey conner i’ve got a question for u

Conner: yeah?

Zatanna: so i’ve seen u around school even before gsa started and,

Zatanna: that tshirt?

Zatanna: i’m about 90% sure that’s the only shirt i’ve ever seen u wear

Dick: Now that I think about it, same here

Dick: Care to comment?

Conner: i like it

Zatanna: …..that’s it?

Conner: yeah

Zatanna: okay but…do u actually own any other shirts?

Conner: yeah

Dick: But you don’t wear them

Conner: nope

Dick: because you don’t like them as much as that one specific black t-shirt

Conner: yeah

Zatanna: huh

Dick: Huh

Zatanna: this has been educational

Dick: Indeed

Megan: I think it works for you

Conner: thanks

Megan: :)

Artemis > Bitch In Law  

Tuesday, September 12
14:37 EST

Artemis: Hey are you home rn

Bitch In Law: Yeah, why?

Artemis: My dad’s being an asshole and I need to hang somewhere else for a while

Bitch In Law: Gotcha.

Bitch In Law: The door’s unlocked so you can just let yourself in.

Artemis: Thanks

Artemis: Do you have any ramen?

Bitch In Law: No, you ate it all the last time you broke into my house.

Artemis: Hey, it’s not my fault you keep forgetting to go shopping. I’m pretty sure if you didn’t have me dropping by and forcing you to buy more food all the time, you’d be left eating sardines and week-old hot dogs every day

Bitch In Law: Yeah but I’d also not have a raging migraine 70% of the time, so is it really worth it?

Artemis: I’m on my way and stopping at the store for ramen

Bitch In Law: Please pick up forks while you’re at it.

Bitch In Law: And bowls.

Bitch In Law: And toilet paper.

Artemis: You’re a mess

Bitch In Law: Please and thank you. :)

Wally > Megalicious

Tuesday, September 12
15:36 EST

Wally: are you from tennessee?

Megalicious: Uh, no?

Wally: because you’re the only ten I see ;)

Megalicious: Um

Megalicious: Thanks, I guess?

Wally: any time, babe <3

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Wednesday, September 13
08:24 EST

Wally: hey who wants to play a game with me

Wally: I’m bored

Conner: sorry bud, busy

Dick: Same. Spanish test

Megan: Sorry Wally :(

Wally: what, are you all in the same spanish class or something??

Dick: Yeah, actually

Wally: but I’m boredddddddd

Artemis: Don’t you have class too?

Wally: nah, I’m sitting in the nurse’s office with a “headache”

Wally: I’m not in the mood for gym today

Artemis: Valid

Dick: Look Artemis is here, play with her

Artemis: Wait no

Artemis: I only came here to laugh at Wally, don’t rope me into actually helping

Wally: yeah I’ll take literally anyone else

Artemis: Fuck you?? It’s not my fault you have no friends

Wally: excuse you I have plenty of friends

Wally: and judging by the fact that you’re refusing to play, maybe you just don’t know how bc YOU’RE the one with no friends so checkmate

Artemis: I can play games, just not with annoying jerks

Wally: you’re just scared because you know I’ll win

Artemis: No, YOU’RE just scared because you know I’LL win

Wally: oh really? Play me right now and we’ll SEE who’s better at games

Artemis: Fine

Wally: fine

Artemis: FINE

Wally: …are we actually playing a game because I didn’t expect to get this far

Artemis: Are you kidding me

Wally: hey, I was preoccupied!!

Wally: it takes a lot of work to argue with you

Artemis: Is that an insult or a compliment

Wally: honestly idk

Wally: we…could play twenty questions?

Artemis: How do you even win a game like that

Wally: first person to avoid answering a question loses?

Wally: and I guess winner can pick their prize or something

Artemis: Fine

Wally: fine

Artemis: Fine

Wally: ………..who’s going first

Artemis: You came up with the game, smart one

Artemis: You go first

Artemis: …….

Artemis: You’ve been typing for five minutes

Wally: I’M TRYING TO THINKK OF A QUESTION OKAY

Artemis: Do you want me to go first?

Wally: NO I CAN DO IT

Artemis: I’m waiting

Wally: uh

Wally: what’s your favorite color

Artemis: Seriously?

Wally: just answer the question or take the loss

Artemis: Like hell I will

Artemis: I like green

Wally: oh

Wally: okay your turn

Artemis: What’s YOUR favorite color

Wally: I’m pretty sure that’s cheating?

Artemis: Didn’t realize you were the 20 questions police

Artemis: You could always not answer and I’ll leave with my win

Wally: JEEZ okay okay

Wally: yellow

Wally: but like. bright yellow

Wally: not those gross mustardy yellows

Wally: Are you a dog person or a cat person

Artemis: Dog

Artemis: Definitely dog

Wally: same

Artemis: Would you rather go scuba diving with a shark or lose both legs in a skydiving accident

Wally: shark, obviously

Wally: at least then I have a chance at leaving with all my limbs intact

Artemis: Fair enough

Wally: uhhhhh

Wally: idk what else to ask

Wally: what are you doing right now?

Artemis: That’s the most boring question ever

Wally: just answer the question artemis

Artemis: I’m writing an essay in the library and playing 20 questions with Ed Sheeran

Wally: I know that was supposed to be mean, but ed sheeran rocks so thank you for the unintended compliment

Kaldur: Artemis, I would strongly advise you to ask about how Wally got the scar on his forehead. Trust me on this.

Wally: hey kallie? kalerie? my darling karfunkel?

Wally: you are dead to me

Artemis: Kaldur I love you so much right now

Artemis: Wally? :)

Wally: no

Artemis: “first person to avoid answering a question loses” :)

Wally: how dare you use my own words against me

Artemis: Pray tell, how did you acquire that scar on your forehead? :)

Wally: dammit

Artemis: The audience is waiting :)

Artemis: Unless you would like to surrender and let me claim my prize, of course :):):)

Wally: you people are killing me slowly

Wally: I just tripped, okay?

Wally: that was it

Kaldur: Ask him what he tripped over.

Wally: WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU???

Kaldur: Think twice before stealing my lotion next time.

Wally: I didn’t even use that much!!

Kaldur: Half of the bottle is gone.

Wally: this is what I get for wanting to smell like a strawberry

Artemis: Wally? (◡‿◡✿) 

Artemis: Darling (◡‿◡✿) 

Artemis: Confess your sins to the class, please (◡‿◡✿)

Wally: I just want to say that you are BOTH dead to me until further notice

Artemis: (◡‿◡✿)

Wally: FINE

Wally: I watched mary poppins for the first time in second grade and jumped off the slide with an umbrella trying to fly ARE YOU HAPPY NOW

Artemis: Very

Artemis: Hang on I’m screenshotting this convo to send to Zatanna

Wally: N O

Artemis > Zatanna

Wednesday, September 13
08:57 EST

Artemis: [image sent]

Zatanna: SDJDKLSJFKDLJ

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Wednesday, September 13
10:04 EST

Megan: Hey Alexa if a teacher makes you cry does that mean you’re legally allowed to drop the class, because this is relevant information at the moment send tweet

Raquel: That’s it which teacher am I going to have to beat up behind the dumpsters after school

Zatanna: one time someone said ur earrings were dumb and u cried for two hours how are u going to fight someone

Raquel: THEY WERE THE PENGUIN ONES THAT WAS A SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCE

Raquel: Don’t listen to her Megan honey I will avenge you

Kaldur: What happened?

Megan: Mr. Vulko said my science homework was below average

Dick: …Was that it?

Megan: I CAN’T HAVE A TEACHER BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME OKAY HE PROBABLY HATES ME NOW

Megan: I can’t even look at him because I know he’s totally judging me now and thinks I’m too stupid to be taking AP physics

Kaldur: I’m sure he isn’t thinking that.

Megan: BUT HE IS

Megan: Especially because I’m new to the school this year so it's overwhelming enough as it is and now I'm going to fail all of my classes and not graduate and end up a deadbeat and eventually die in a giant crack house explosion at the ripe old age of 24

Dick: That was certainly detailed 

Megan: I think I’m just overwhelmed in general

Raquel: Oof

Megan: And now my teacher thinks I’m just this dumb new kid and that’s all he’s going to think about me for the rest of the year

Zatanna: so he told u your homework wasn’t great and then u just. burst into tears?

Zatanna: that sucks

Megan: Okay, well TECHNICALLY I didn’t cry

Megan: But I wanted to

Megan: Still do

Zatanna: yikes

Zatanna: sorry

Wally: can I get a Big Mood?

Wally: one time a teacher told me I should work on getting my grades up and I was so crushed I made barry let me miss school for a week

Dick: Not helping

Dick: Really though Megs, don’t sweat it

Dick: It’s like the second week of school. No one is expecting you to be a genius immediately

Dick: Especially because you’re new, so everyone understands that you’ll have some trouble adjusting at first 

Dick: You'll catch up eventually. Just give it time 

Megan: That...actually kind of helped? 

Megan: Thanks, Dick 

Dick: No problem 

Megan: Still can’t look Vulko in the eye for at least a week though :/

Megan: Maybe once I have a 100 average and get accepted to Harvard 

Dick: Fair enough

Wally > Megalicious

Thursday, September 14
03:36 EST

Wally: on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 9…

Wally: and I’m the 1 you need ;)

Wally: (jkjk you’re totally an 11)

Megalicious: Thanks, Wally

Group Chat: The Mink Kink

Thursday, September 14
05:19 EST

Dick: Hey, why isn’t anyone ever just whelmed?

Conner: its…its five in the morning

Conner: why are you even awake right now

Dick: Because this is important to me

Dick: Why are YOU awake right now

Conner: because my dog took over my bed and i didnt have the heart to make him move so im on the floor

Dick: Understandable. Carry on

Dick: But back to more pressing matters:

Dick: Whelmed.

Dick: A healthy middle between overwhelmed and underwhelmed

Conner: i dont think thats a thing

Dick: Says you

Conner: says the english language

Dick: The english language is a weak little bitch and could be toppled by a five-man mutiny

Conner: i was going to disagree but yknow what youre right fuck the system lets start a revolution

Dick: :D

Chapter Text

Dick > Kaldur

Friday, September 15
10:33 EST

Dick: Hey, so uh

Dick: Remember that scab you told me not to pick?

Kaldur: Oh my god.

Dick: I think I hit an artery please come here

Wally > Megalicious

Friday, September 15
12:23 EST

Wally: are you a parking ticket?

Megalicious: Hi, Wally

Wally: because you’ve got “fine” written all over you ;)

Megalicious: I liked the one from yesterday better, but this was good too

Wally: never fear babe, I am always coming up with new material for you <3

Group Chat: The Mink Kink

Friday, September 15
17:02 EST

Artemis: Can we all just talk about Mr. Smith for a second?

Dick: Whomst?

Artemis: Bald, tall, runs GSA?

Dick: Oh, gotcha

Dick: I’ve always just called him Tornado because of that one time he flipped out on a kid for pulling the fire alarm during a midterm

Dick: His face stayed red for like two hours afterwards

Dick: It was awesome

Artemis: My question is why is he there? In GSA, I mean

Artemis: He’s super nice don’t get me wrong, he just doesn’t like. Do anything

Kaldur: It’s school policy that every club needs a teacher to be present for every meeting.

Wally: more like a den mother amiright

Artemis: I feel bad for him. Every time we do something stupid he looks like he wants to die

Zatanna: when we built the tower out of shoes earlier i swear to god i saw him pull a bottle of vodka out of his briefcase and pour it into his coffee

Dick: One time I hacked into his computer and the only thing he had on there was dozens of files of The Office fanfiction he wrote

Conner: when the lockdown drill alarm went off during class the other day he just looked at the ceiling and said “finally”

Megan: I saw him sneeze with his eyes open once, and when I asked how he did it he told me anyone who has to close their eyes to sneeze will die first when the apocalypse comes

Wally: what an icon

Wally: I want to be like him when I grow up

Artemis: Don’t we all

Wally > Duck Great-sin

Tuesday, September 18
06:12 EST

Wally: DICK EMERGENCY 911 HELP ME!!!!

Duck Great-sin: What’s up?

Wally: yeesh, you’d think you would at least PRETEND to act concerned when your best friend texts you “emergency 911 help me” in a blind panic, but okay   

Duck Great-sin: Sorry

Duck Great-sin: OH NO WALLY WHAT IS WRONG????? HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MY DEAREST FRIEND????? PLEASE DOTH TELL ME WHAT AILS YOU

Wally: thank you

Duck Great-sin: No problem

Wally: so remember when I slept over your house this weekend?

Wally: wELL, I left my binder there and I was just gonna come get it later this week but it turns out all the other ones I have are dirty because I’m not good at planning and so I can’t wear them and I really really REALLY need that one bevause it’s my last hope and Im freaking out here man hELP ME

Duck Great-sin: Fuck

Wally: was that a good fuck or a bad fuck

Wally: please tell me it was a good fuck

Duck Great-sin: I left early for a mathletes field trip and Bruce and Alfred are both out today

Wally: very bad fuck okay

Wally: I could break in through your window?

Duck Great-sin: In theory yeah, but I wouldn’t risk the lasers

Wally: what the FUCK

Wally: do you people live in an evil lair? ?

Duck Great-sin: Hey, you have to take precautions when you live in a giant mansion

Wally: so bottom line is I’m screwed

Duck Great-sin: I’m really sorry

Duck Great-sin: Maybe you could hand wash one really quick just for today?

Wally: iris already took everything to the laundromat so I’m left with literally nothing

Duck Great-sin: Shit dude, I’m really REALLY sorry

Wally: welp. guess who’s wearing a sweatshirt today

Wally: gonna feel like shit, but I can deal with it until I get home later

Duck Great-sin: Sorry, man

Duck Great-sin: Text me if you start feeling bad, okay?

Wally: thanks

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Tuesday, September 18
11:56 EST

Zatanna: who wants to earn five bucks?

Conner: uh oh

Zatanna: it’s not a scam i swear

Kaldur: What do you need?

Zatanna: i fell asleep in study hall with a sharpie in my hand so now there’s a huge black swirly on my face

Kaldur: And you need someone to help you wash it off?

Zatanna: no i need someone to draw a swirly on their own face and walk around with me all day that way it looks like we’re just doing it for a protest or something

Megan: Wouldn’t it be easier to wash it off or cover it with makeup?

Zatanna: probably, but that’s quitter talk  

Kaldur: Make it ten and I’ll be right there.

Zatanna: my MAN thank you so much

Wally > Blondie

Tuesday, September 18
16:18 EST

Wally: hey

Blondie: Hey?

Wally: we never finished that 20 questions game

Blondie: You actually want to continue that?

Wally: hey, I am a dedicated person

Wally: also I lowkey need a distraction rn, and what better way to distract myself than by invading the privacy of my good friend artemis?

Blondie: Fine

Wally: wait, really?

Blondie: Yeah

Wally: wow, that easy?

Wally: I thought it would take way longer to convince you

Blondie: Well it’s not like I have anything better to do

Wally: you’re not even going to ask what my deal is?

Blondie: nope

Blondie: Unless you want me to?

Wally: nope, this works for me

Blondie: Good

Blondie: We got up to three last time, right?

Wally: technically you asked four, but I’m willing to overlook that if you let me ask two in a row to even it out

Blondie: Fair enough

Wally: coffee or tea?

Blondie: Tea

Wally: team cap or team iron man?

Blondie: Team Cap all the way

Blondie: Chocolate or vanilla

Wally: chocolate

Wally: if you had a genie grant you one wish what would it be

Blondie: Easy, I’d wish for a million dollars

Wally: wrong answer, but okay

Blondie: ??? How is that the wrong answer

Wally: you’re supposed to ask for more wishes, obviously

Blondie: That’s against genie rules

Wally: no it’s not

Blondie: Excuse you, I think I’ve watched aladdin enough times to know what I’m talking about

Wally: fine, then wish for another genie

Blondie: That’s stupid

Blondie: You’ll still only end up getting one wish from the next one

Wally: wish for ten genies

Blondie: Now that’s more like it

Blondie: Ask one of them for a million dollars and then a dog from each of the other nine so you have nine dogs and enough money to treat them like royalty

Wally: that’s the best financial plan I’ve ever heard in my life

Blondie: Is this a good distraction so far?

Wally: surprisingly, yeah

Wally: thanks

Blondie: Np

Blondie: Want to keep going?

Wally: bring it on, blondie

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Saturday, September 22
23:11 EST

Zatanna: 11:11 make a wish! :)

Artemis: I wish for the government to realize that time is a man-made illusion that exists only to promote the following of a system in which the benefits are reaped only by those in power, and I wish that the lower class will one day rise to rebel against the bourgeoisie and reset time as an abstract idea which holds no power over us, that way I can finally get some fucking sleep without being forced awake at six fucking AM every morning to get up and fulfill my role in the very system I seek to destroy

Zatanna: neat

Zatanna: anyways i wish for an xbox

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Saturday, September 22
18:33 EST

Raquel: Hey google how do I expel a spider from my shower

Artemis: Kill it

Megan: Don’t kill it

Dick: Kill it

Wally: kill it

Zatanna: kill it

Megan: None of you have any respect for nature and I am blocking you from my life

Conner: catch it in a cup and put it outside

Megan: I have one ally

Conner: though if it gets out and touches you then you have to kill it  

Megan: >:(

Artemis: You could just wait for it to leave and take a shower later?

Raquel: Can’t, I’m already in here

Dick: ???

Conner: how are you texting in the shower

Raquel: Very carefully, my friend

Raquel: Very carefully

Zatanna: guess i’ll be at the funeral for when u inevitably drop ur phone then

Raquel: Listen, I have been showering with my phone for longer than you’ve been alive

Zatanna: ur only two years older than me

Raquel: And I am wise enough to know that there is no way in a billion years I would ever drop my phone in the shower

Raquel: I swear on my own life

Wally: …….so anyway I’ll def be at the joint funeral for you and your phone when you drop it

Raquel: Please, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’m not going to dropslkoihdjfkjkpwohgeibknwph

Conner: ……

Zatanna: oh no

Dick: I feel like I just witnessed an assassination

Megan: RIP Raquel’s phone :(

Wally: rip

Kaldur: RIP.

Artemis: Rip

Dick: Rip :/  

Conner: rip

New Contact > Zatanna

Sunday, October 23
13:56 EST

New Contact: Guess who got a new phone :D

Contact added: Rocky  

Zatanna: can i have ur old one?

Rocky: Why? You already have one

Zatanna: because then i’ll have TWO phones, and that’s twice as cool as having one  

Zatanna: duh

Zatanna > Arty

Monday, September 24
07:12 EST

Zatanna: wanna skip school with me today?

Arty: Sure

Arty: What do you want to do?

Zatanna: i got us some fake ids from that dude with the face tattoos who hangs out under the bleachers

Arty: Badass

Arty: What, are we going to a bar or something?

Arty: Because sorry to break it to you, but no one will ever believe you’re old enough to drink

Zatanna: please, if i wanted to drink i could just raid my dad’s wine cellar

Zatanna: i want to go to the pet store

Zatanna: u need to be at least 18 to buy fish

Arty: You……got us fake ids

Arty: To buy fish  

Zatanna: yeah

Zatanna: u in?

Artemis: Hell yeah let’s go get some fish

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Monday, September 24
11:35 EST

Artemis: [image sent]

Artemis: F I S H ! ! !

Zatanna: [image sent]

Zatanna: i’m naming him Spoon

Kaldur: I love them.

Group Chat: The Mind Kink

Monday, September 24
12:24 EST

Kaldur: Wait.

Kaldur: Why aren’t you two in school?

Zatanna: whoops sorry kal ur cutting out i can’t hear u ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Megan > Conner  

Tuesday, September 25
12:39 EST

Megan: This probably sounds creepy, but…is that you in the cafeteria sitting alone by the window?

Conner: yeah

Megan: Oh

Conner: why?

Megan: I can see you

Megan: And I just thought you looked kind of lonely?

Megan: Sorry

Conner: dont apologize

Conner: where are you? i cant see you

Megan: At the table by the vending machine

Conner: oh i see you now

Conner: are you sitting alone too?

Megan: Kind of

Conner: oh

Megan: Yeah

Conner: do you sit alone every day?

Megan: I’m still a new kid, so I don’t know that many people yet

Conner: fair enough

Megan: Why are you sitting alone?

Conner: same thing i guess

Megan: Oh

Conner: yeah

Conner: i dont mind sitting with people though

Megan: Me neither

Conner: i mean it just looks like you might be kind of lonely over there by yourself

Conner: you could come sit here if you want

Conner: unless you dont want to, which is fine too

Conner: just thought id offer

Megan: Really?

Conner: sure

Megan: Oh, okay

Megan: I’ll come over then

Conner: okay

Megan: Okay  

Conner > Megan

Tuesday, September 25
13:16 EST

Conner: it was cool sitting with you earlier

Conner: for lunch i mean

Conner: i liked it better than being alone

Megan: Me too

Conner: are you going to sit there again tomorrow?

Megan: …Would that be okay?

Conner: you dont have to

Conner: i just thought it would be better than us both having to sit alone

Megan: Yeah no, I thought the same thing

Megan: I want to sit with you again tomorrow, if that’s okay

Conner: i wouldnt mind that

Megan: Okay, then I will

Conner: okay

Conner: cool

Megan: :)

Conner: :)

Chapter Text

Group Chat:  The Mind Kink

Sunday, October 1
09:27 EST

Dick: Happy first day of Halloween, hoes

Dick has renamed the group: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Artemis: Fitting

Dick: Thank you, miladle

Wally: finally, pumpkin spice latte season has returned from the abyss of the Time Vault  

Wally: it’s the only time of year worth living in

Artemis: Please tell me you mean that ironically

Wally: nope

Wally: pumpkin spice is delicious and anyone who disagrees can welcome themselves to fight me behind starbucks

Raquel: Hey Dick, you’re rich, right?

Dick: Yep

Raquel: Cool

Raquel: Expect me to visit your house fifty times on Halloween in several different costumes then

Raquel: I plan on collecting as many full-sized chocolate bars as humanly possible

Dick: I support you in this endeavor and I will try my hardest to help you achieve it

Raquel: Thank you

Conner: im dressing my dog up as a hot dog like i do every year

Zatanna: oh my god please do and take pics because i will pay u all the money i have to see that

Kaldur: Do you have a dachshund?

Conner: nope

Conner: [image sent]

Wally: wOW

Artemis: That’s a big boy you’ve got right there

Dick: That dog is literally bigger than me

Artemis: What do you feed him, steroids??

Conner: steak actually

Artemis: Damn

Zatanna: i love one (1) ginormous boy

Zatanna: dm me ur address i want to pet him

Conner: okay

Megan: What’s his name?

Conner: wolf

Wally: that’s so fucking accurate

Wally: conner I would literally lay down my life for that dog

Conner: thanks i guess?

Wally: you’re so welcome

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Sunday, October 1
10:23 EST

Zatanna: [image sent]

Zatanna: I’M PETTING HIM

Wally: god I wish that were me

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Sunday, October 1
15:07 EST

Megan: Who would you be on Queer Eye GO

Megan: I call Bobby by the way

Artemis: Antoni

Dick: Tan

Wally: you legit wore pink rain boots and a leopard print vest yesterday

Dick: And I looked Fabulous, thanks so much for the compliment

Zatanna: i call jonathan

Kaldur: Karamo.

Wally: I wanna be the royal backscratcher

Raquel: I want to be the one who gifts each nominee a pet cactus to teach them responsibility

Conner: ill take care of the nominees pets while theyre getting fixed up that way the pets will be taken care of and i get to hang out with some cool animals and get paid for it

Raquel: That’s so fucking valid

Dick: Our first order of business:

Dick: Make principal Carr realize that goatees are SO last year and his outfits would look a hundred times better if he added a sequined cape which I just so happen to already have in my closet as we speak

Group Chat: Bread

Sunday, October 1
15:58 EST

Wonder Bread has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.  

Bagél: NO

Bagél: DICK HOW COULD YOU???

Rye Bread: Now this is just bullying.

Artemis: Hi fellas

Wonder Bread: You gotta use a bread-related nickname here btw

Artemis: Already on it buddy

Artemis Crock has set their nickname to Crouton.

Wonder Bread: Interesting choice

Crouton: Why thank you

Crouton: Croutons are stale, zesty, and delicious

Crouton: Just like me

Bagél: Artemis no offense but what the actual fuck are you doing here

Bagél: who gave you the right to invade our sanctuary

Crouton: Dick invited me

Rye Bread: Dick how could you do this to us?

Rye Bread: She’s practically my SISTER.

Rye Bread: Do you have any idea how weird that is?

Bagél: bye bye artemis

Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.

Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.

Crouton: Bold of you to assume I can be defeated so easily

Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.

Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.

Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.

Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.

Crouton: STOP REMOVING ME YOU LUMP OF POCKET LINT

Bagél: dick how could you let her in here?? this was supposed to be our bro zone!!

Wonder Bread: What can I say? I thrive on chaos

Crouton: I’m rereading all of your earlier convos now and Roy?

Crouton: You told me you gave your bunny slippers to goodwill

Rye Bread: See!! She’s already prying into what’s supposed to be a safe zone!!

Crouton: Okay but consider this:

Crouton: I am delightful

Wonder Bread: Damn guys she’s right we have to keep her

Bagél: no

Crouton: Yes

Bagél: no

Crouton: I’ll let you borrow my netflix subscription so you can watch that anime thing you keep talking about

Bagél: ………….fine

Bagél: guess I’ll just have to get used to having you here

Crouton: Thank you

Bagél has removed Crouton from the conversation.

Wonder Bread has added Crouton to the conversation.

Crouton: STOP DOING THAT!

Bagél: eh, worth a shot

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 3
00:13 EST

Wally: someone ask me what day it is

Conner: why?

Wally: just do it

Conner: okay but why

Wally: please just do it

Wally: come on ask me what day it is

Wally: please

Wally: do it

Wally: ask me what day it is

Wally: do it

Wally: do it

Wally: do itttttt

Conner: fine

Conner: what day is it wally?

Wally: I T ‘ S  O C T O B E R  T H I R D

Wally: I’ve been waiting to do that since the time I forgot to do it last october third

Conner: i dont get it

Wally: buddy,

Wally: my man,

Wally: you gotta watch mean girls with me one of these days

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 3
10:28 EST

Zatanna: i need a sugar daddy to buy me stuff

Zatanna: i just paid for my soda with nickels and i have never felt so poor in my life

Raquel: Biche me too the fuck

Raquel: Hey Kaldur you’re nice

Raquel: Would you like to be my sugar daddy?

Kaldur: Um.

Kaldur: Thank you for considering me, but I’m good.

Wally: that’s right, kal is mine so back off

Kaldur: That was not what I meant.

Wally: you bought me gummy bears yesterday so I beg to differ

Wally: you give me candy which makes you by law my sugar daddy I don’t make the rules

Kaldur: I don’t think that’s how it works.

Wally: probably not, but I don’t care I just want someone to buy me food

Zatanna: wait i want gummy bears too

Zatanna: kaldur i’ll give you a dollar if you be my sugar daddy

Kaldur: That’s definitely not how it works.

Zatanna: two dollars

Wally: two can play at this game zee

Wally: I’ll give you four dollars and a rainbow pin

Raquel: Ten dollars

Zatanna: ten dollars and a half-used unicorn pencil

Kaldur: If I buy you each a bag of gummy bears will you please stop trying to auction me off?

Zatanna: sold!

Wally > Blondie  

Friday, October 6
14:09 EST

Wally: question #12: how do you and roy know each other?

Blondie: Didn’t realize we were playing again

Wally: I’m curious

Blondie: He used to date my sister

Wally: seriously?

Blondie: Yeah

Wally: huh

Blondie: What?

Wally: I knew he got dumped, but I just never thought she would turn out to have been your sister this whole time

Wally: roy told me she ran away?

Blondie: Yeah

Blondie: About a year back she left and I haven’t seen her since, so I guess she’s liking wherever she ended up

Wally: sorry

Blondie: Don’t worry about it

Blondie: Was that all you wanted to know?

Wally: roy also said you’re like a sister to him

Wally: just wondering how you guys are so close even after he and your sister aren’t together anymore

Blondie: Somebody is curious today

Wally: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Blondie: I’ll answer that question if you answer one of mine first

Wally: law of equivalent exchange? fair enough

Wally: ask away

Blondie: True or false: You are in fact named after a loveable Christmas character who may or may not have a red nose and wasn’t allowed to play reindeer games

Wally: I am literally going to kill dick

Blondie: That doesn’t sound like an answer to me

Wally: FINE

Wally: it is…….possible…….

Wally: that that may be my middle name

Blondie: Just checking

Blondie: I’m definitely going to be using that information when Christmas comes around, by the way

Blondie: And to answer your question, I used to hang over at Roy’s house with Jade whenever I needed to be away from home for a while

Blondie: Roy and I got pretty close, and after Jade left we kind of just stuck with it since he was already like a brother to me and all

Blondie: Satisfied?

Wally: yup

Blondie: Why didn’t you just ask Roy all this? I’m sure he would have told you the same thing

Wally: I did

Wally: all he said was that you were a burglar who keeps breaking into his house and playing his xbox in the middle of the night

Blondie: Well

Blondie: He’s not wrong

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons  

Sunday, October 8
20:44 EST

Raquel: [image sent]

Raquel: Hey Kaldur look it’s your brethren

Kaldur: I don’t have enough data to load the image right now but I already know that is a picture of those caramel lollipop candies.

Raquel: They’re called sugar daddies and they are your family so be respectful

Kaldur: I regret everything.

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 10
13:44 EST

Artemis: I will give twenty dollars to the first person to smack me in the head with a hammer

Artemis: This is a limited time offer so hop to it, people

Kaldur: Stop airing your teenage angst in the group chat.

Artemis: Excuse you Kaldur, but this is Important

Artemis: It is also a great opportunity for you to make some money so really this is a gift

Megan: What happened?

Wally: artemis doesn’t trust my work ethic which I think is a load of balogna

Wally: balonga

Wally: balagania

Artemis: And you wonder why I don’t want to do the project with you

Wally: bulogña

Wally: hey roy can vouch for me, I did a project with him last year and it went swimmingly

Artemis: Oh, really?

Artemis has added Roy Harper to the conversation.  

Artemis: On a rate from one to ten how is it working with Wally on a project

Roy: Two when he’s distracted, ten when he’s not.

Artemis: Thank you

Roy: Wait, why did you need to know?

Artemis has removed Roy Harper from the conversation.

Dick: Cold

Kaldur: What is the project on?

Artemis: The civil war

Wally: I think it’ll be fun!

Artemis: No

Wally: party pooper

Dick: Sorry Artemis, but I have to agree with Wallman here

Dick: He’s actually pretty awesome at school stuff when he’s into it

Dick: So I’d say you’re getting a pretty sweet deal

Wally: thank you

Wally: see?

Artemis: I’ll believe it when I see it

Wally: I think you just don’t want to admit you’re looking forward to spending quality time with moi

Artemis: You’re hilarious

Wally: what’s that I hear? denial?

Wally: someone who doesn’t want to admit she actually likes spending time with her new bff wally west?

Artemis: Wally I swear to god I am literally going to kiss you if you don’t stop

Artemis: WAIT NO

Wally: uhh

Kaldur: Wow.

Dick: Damn, someone is eager

Artemis: *K I L L

Artemis: THAT WAS SUPPPSEPD TO SAY K I L L

Wally: sure it was ;)  

Artemis: You shut the Fuck up

Wally: or what? you’ll kiss me to death?

Artemis: Fuck you

Dick has renamed the group: Artemis Wants To Kiss Wally.

Artemis has renamed the group: Dick Still Wears Light Up Sketchers.

Wally has renamed the group: Artemis Is Trying To Change The Subject.

Wally has renamed the group: Hmmm Sounds Suspicious.

Artemis has renamed the group: Why Are You So Interested?

Artemis has renamed the group: Hmmm Sounds Even More Suspicious.

Wally has renamed the group: I’m Schmexy And Artemis Knows It.

Kaldur: Stop it, both of you.

Kaldur has renamed the group: Spoopy Scary Skeletons.

Artemis: He started it

Wally: technically dick started it with changing the name

Dick: Pardon me? Sorry, I was vacationing in Nepal this whole time. What’s this about names?

Wally: you have no loyalty and will die alone when the zombie apocalypse strikes

Kaldur: Wally you are five seconds away from getting kicked out of this chat.

Wally: THEY STARTED IT!!!

Wally: and besides, you wouldn’t dare

Wally: I’m too entertaining for you to kick me out

Kaldur: Oh, really?

Wally: really

Kaldur has removed Wally West from the conversation.

Kaldur: He’s in time-out now.

Dick: Lmao

Wally > Kallie

Tuesday, October 10
14:39 EST

Wally: D:

Wally: HEY!!!

Kallie: You said I wouldn’t dare.

Wally: IM SORRY OKAY PUT ME BACK PUT ME BACK

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 10
14:41 EST

Kaldur has added Wally West to the conversation.

Wally: GREETINGS FINE PEOPLE

Artemis: Oh look he’s back

Dick: We had a tupperware party while you were gone

Dick: There were goodie bags and everything

Artemis: Kaldur wore a lampshade on his head

Dick: Beyoncé performed

Artemis: It’s a shame you were too busy in exile to be there

Wally: fuq u guys

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Wednesday, October 11
19:08 EST

Megan: If you were a movie, which would you be?

Megan: I would be The Meg

Raquel: I love Megan’s random question of the days

Raquel: It’s so refreshing

Megan: Thank you! :D

Raquel: Hidden figures

Artemis: I would be the Robin Hood movie because I hate rich people

Dick: I’m rich

Artemis: I hate rich people except for Dick

Dick: :)

Dick: I would be The Greatest Showman because I like the circus and am not afraid to break out in song to make a point

Wally: I would be the fast and the furious

Artemis: “Fast”

Artemis: Not surprised

Wally: how dare you

Zatanna: the incredibles but instead of a whole family it’s just me  

Conner: the wizard of oz because i live in a state of constant and utter confusion while surrounded by short people with squeaky voices

Dick: I feel like that was directed at me and I’ll have you know I grew three millimeters last week so fuck you

Conner > Megan

Saturday, October 14
14:48 EST

Conner: are you doing anything tonight?

Megan: Not that I can think of

Megan: Why?

Conner: theres a carnival in town this week

Conner: i was wondering if you wanted to go?

Conner: with me i mean

Conner: like

Conner: together?

Conner: if you wanted to

Megan: I would like that

Conner: oh okay

Conner: cool

Conner: so its a date?

Megan: It’s a date

Chapter Text

Zatanna Zatara has created the chat: Spill The Tea Sis

Sunday, October 15
16:16 EST

Zatanna has set their name to  Chamomile.

Chamomile has added Artemis Crock to the conversation.

Chamomile has added Raquel Ervin to the conversation.

Chamomile has added Megan Morse to the conversation.

Chamomile: greetings sisters

Artemis has set their name to One Black Coffee.

One Black Coffee: Uh oh what happened

One Black Coffee: Last time you made a gossip chat you made me sit through a lengthy story about the used condom you found in the teacher’s lounge

One Black Coffee: I still get flashbacks

Chamomile: that’s still an open case btw

Chamomile: sources point to it being either mr. heywood or miss jiwe  

Chamomile: the game is always afoot, folks

Raquel has set their name to Hot Chocolate.

Hot Chocolate: An all-girls chat? Love it

Chamomile: yep yep yep

Chamomile: now gather round ducklings, because i’ve got some tasty gossip to share

Chamomile: need megan here first tho

Chamomile: ping ping motherfucker

Megan has changed their name to Lemonade.

Lemonade: What’s up?

Chamomile: wELL since u asked so nicely,

Chamomile: i was hanging out with my dnd group last night, as we do every second saturday of the month

Hot Chocolate: You have a DND group?

Chamomile: yes. now quiet i’m telling a story

Chamomile: we were at that carnival by the beach, and we saw something veeeery interesting

Chamomile: care to chime in, megan?

Lemonade: I didn’t know you were at the carnival too, how could we have not seen you?

Chamomile: i’m a ninja

One Black Coffee: I don’t get why this is considered gossip

Hot Chocolate: Me neither

Chamomile: guess who she was with

Chamomile: i’ll give u a hint: he’s tall, has a dog that could bench press vin diesel, and wears the same tshirt every day

Hot Chocolate: Are you serious???

One Black Coffee: Daaaaaaamn, Megs

One Black Coffee: Nice work

Lemonade: It’s no big deal

Hot Chocolate: I dunno, I would call you dating Conner a big deal

Lemonade: It wasn’t a date

Lemonade: We just hung out as friends

Chamomile: if u call holding hands on the ferris wheel “hanging out as friends”

Hot Chocolate: Dang Megs, I’m super happy for you

Zatanna: ikr??

Zatanna: he’s like if dwayne the rock johnson had a baby with his own muscles

One Black Coffee: woW really didn’t need that visual thanks

Hot Chocolate: No she’s right

Hot Chocolate: I’m a lesbian, but even I can see it

Hot Chocolate: Pure beef

One Black Coffee: Big beefy beef

Lemonade: What the h*ck is wrong with you people

One Black Coffee: Did, 

One Black Coffee: Did you just censor the word heck?

Lemonade: You’re d*rn right I did

Lemonade: I’m getting into heaven, unlike you heathens

Chamomile: i mean

Chamomile: it’s true but u shouldn’t say it

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Monday, October 16
10:04 EST

Rennoc: why the fuck is my name backwards

Simetra: What the literal fuck my name is backwards too  

Rennoc: your question was the exact same as mine but more literal and thats plagiarism

Simetra: You can’t prove anything

Rennoc: i have the text right here

Simetra: That won’t hold up in court

Leuqar: Is it a glitch or something?

Rudlak: I’m trying to fix mine but it won’t let me change it back.

Nagem: Who did this?

Yllaw: are

Yllaw: are you guys serious?

Yllaw: come on, who do you THINK did it?

Simetra: Dick, you’ve been awfully quiet over there

Dick: Hiya folks

Dick: Hmm, that’s quite an unfortunate pickle you have on your hands

Leuqar: How did you do this??

Leuqar: It won’t change back

Annataz: i like it

Yllaw: I hope whoever taught you how to hack stuff falls off a tilt a whirl and breaks their thumbs

Yllaw: you have too much power

Dick: Bold of you to assume I wasn’t just born with the ability to hack

Nagem: So you admit you did this

Dick: Hm? Huh? What’s that? Hum? Pardon me?

Rudlak: Dick.

Rudlak: Change our names back now.

Dick: What’s the magic word?

Yllaw: just fix it you little shit

Dick: Those words have no magical properties, you’re not even trying

Rudlak: Please.

Dick: :)

Artemis: Thank fuck

Conner: how did you do that?

Dick: A magician never reveals their secrets

Zatanna: first rule of fight club

Raquel: I can’t even get my toaster to work, but sure

Raquel: Be a 15 year old hacker

Dick: 14, actually

Dick: I skipped a grade

Raquel: Of course you did 

Group Chat: Bread

Thursday, October 19
09:58 EST

Crouton: How the hell do you control a Wally?

Crouton: Like is there a remote control? A travel guide? A code phrase that will make him suddenly able to focus?

Wonder Bread: I’m guessing you’re having a rough time with your project?

Crouton: It’s been two days and we haven’t gotten a single thing done!

Crouton: I’m sitting in the school library as we speak, trying to write the damn intro

Rye Bread: Where is Wally?

Crouton: He wandered off towards the manga section about half an hour ago

Wonder Bread: Oof

Crouton: I am literally going to have an aneurysm

Rye Bread: Listen when it comes to work, Wally is like a puppy. Just tell him you’ll buy him food after and he’ll get right back on track.

Rye Bread: It’s that easy.

Crouton: If this doesn’t work I am Coming For You

Wally > Ginger #2

Thursday, October 19
10:41 EST

Wally: artemis bought me chipotle!! :D

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 24
07:35 EST

Wally: are you a hoodie, flannel, or leather jacket bisexual/pansexual  

Wally: I’ll go first, I’m def a hoodie bi

Artemis: Leather jacket because I own a motorcycle so legally I have no choice

Wally: you do not have a motorcycle

Artemis: [image sent]

Wally: sHE HAS A MOTORCYCLE

Dick: Hoodie bi all the way

Kaldur: Flannel.

Zatanna: power move: layer a leather jacket over flannel

Zatanna: u all have muggle brains and a mushroom could decompose u

Megan: Flannel pansexual over here

Wally: what do you think roy would be?

Wally: because I don’t think there’s an option for “old pink floyd t-shirt and crocs”

Artemis: Please

Artemis: Have you seen him in public? Hoodie bi 100%

Kaldur: Really? I would have thought he would go with the leather jacket option.

Kaldur: Also, I didn’t know Roy was bi?

Wally: as a freddy mercury concert

Kaldur: Huh.

Wally: I’m with artemis on the hoodie thing btw

Dick: Hang on I’ll add him and ask

Zatanna: y’all are really turning this chat into a free for all huh

Dick has added Roy Harper to the conversation.

Roy: What do you people want from me now?

Roy: I was busy watching wrestling.

Artemis: You were watching Glee and you know it

Wally: roy, we have a very important question for you and the fate of the universe as we know it is depending on your answer  

Megan: You make your questions very dramatic

Wally: thank you megan, it’s part of my charm

Wally: so ROY:

Wally: hoodie, flannel, or leather jacket bi?

Roy: Is that it?

Wally: just answer the question please there are lives on the line

Roy: Whatever.

Roy: Hoodie.

Artemis: H A

Artemis: Thank you for your input

Roy: No problem.

Roy: Can I go now?

Dick: Nah, stick around we like you

Roy: This is that GSA chat, right?

Wally: yuppers

Roy: Gotcha.

Roy: Hi, Kaldur.

Kaldur: Hi.

Megan: I’m Megan :)

Conner: conner

Raquel: Raquel

Wally: do the name/grade/pronoun/sexuality thing roy

Roy: Fine.

Roy: I’m Roy, a senior, bisexual, and I use he/him pronouns.

Wally: cool beans

Artemis: Please never say that again

Wally: :(

Wally: significantly less cool beans

Wally: sweaty beans  

Artemis: Oh my god

Wally: you know, I recently read that babies need emotional support to grow up happy and healthy, so really you’re murdering me slowly with your attitude and I think that’s a shame

Artemis: Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not a baby

Artemis: Though you do act like one, so I guess you’re partly right

Wally: how dare you?

Artemis: You’re the one who said it first?  

Wally: well you can’t spell esophagus so fuck you

Artemis: At least I’m not a nerd

Wally: at least I’m not mean

Artemis: At least my middle name isn’t Rudolph

Wally: at least I can spell

Artemis: I CAN SPELL, YOU MORON

Wally: YOU’RE THE MORON

Artemis: CLEARLY NOT, BECAUSE THAT ROLE HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN

Wally: MORE THAN ONE PERSON CAN BE A MORON, MORON

Artemis: YEAH, BECAUSE YOU’RE ONE OF THEM

Kaldur: STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER!

Dick: Welcome to the chat, Roy

Megan > Conner

Saturday, October 28
15:28 EST

Megan: Hi

Conner: hi

Megan: You’re not doing anything for Halloween, right?

Conner: not that i know of

Conner: why, do you want to hang out?

Megan: I was thinking you might want to come to my house and we could watch some movies? My uncle is taking my little brother trick-or-treating, so it’ll be just us most of the night

Conner: sure, i’d love to

Megan: Awesome! Come over at 8:00?

Conner: you got it

Conner: speaking of which, i wanted to ask you something

Conner: that night at the carnival…that was a date, right?

Megan: I think it was  

Megan: That okay with you?

Conner: definitely

Conner: so if we were going by that logic, then this would technically be our second date, wouldnt it?

Megan: Seems that way

Conner: cool

Conner: see you then

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Sunday, October 29
08:30 EST

Wally: shrek is my fursona

Raquel: Whoever taught you how to talk made a mistake

Wally: joke’s on you raq, my first word was photosynthesis so choke

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Tuesday, October 31
07:27 EST

Artemis: Happy halowine

Artemis: Haeloweed

Artemis: Haalloown

Zatanna: it’s okay take ur time

Artemis: Pumpkin

Dick > Kaldur

Tuesday, October 31
16:50 EST

Dick: I need a favor

Kaldur: What is it?

Dick: Wall and I are going to be Luke, Leia, and Han Solo tonight and we need a third guy

Dick: It WAS going to be Bette Kane, but she came down with food poisoning last minute

Kaldur: So you need me to be Leia?

Dick: I already called dibs on Leia don’t you dare

Dick: You can be Luke though

Kaldur: Count me in.

Dick: Y e e t

Conner > Megan

Tuesday, October 31
11:01 EST

Conner: tonight was fun

Conner: your uncle was really nice

Megan: I had fun too :)

Conner: i have a question though, if you dont mind me asking

Conner: he mentioned you had a bunch of siblings besides garfield?

Megan: Oh, yeah they all live with my parents

Conner: oh

Conner: your parents dont live with you?

Megan: It’s kind of complicated

Megan: When I came out to them as trans last year, they didn’t take it very well. They said I had to either get this “girl stuff” out of my head or get out  

Megan: My uncle John was the only one in my whole family who accepted me, so when my parents kicked me out, he let me live with him in Happy Harbor

Conner: im sorry

Conner: your parents sound like major assholes

Megan: They were just taken by surprise, I think

Megan: But yes, they were

Conner: is it bad im kind of glad you dont have to live with them anymore?

Megan: I still talk to a few of my brothers and sisters sometimes, even if they think I’m weird for being the way I am

Conner: i would never think youre weird for being yourself

Megan: Really?

Conner: of course not

Conner: youre a girl, and anyone who disagrees doesnt deserve to know you  

Conner: i think youre great just the way you are

Conner: …you still there? you havent said anything in a while

Megan: Yeah, sorry it’s just

Megan: Have I ever told you that I like you a whole lot?

Megan: Because I really, really do

Conner: i like you too

Group Chat: Spoopy Scary Skeletons

Wednesday, November 1
09:13 EST

Dick: Happy turkey month, friends

Dick has renamed the conversation: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe.

Roy: You’re right and you should definitely say it.  

Wally > Duck Great-Sin

Wednesday, November 1
10:27 EST

Wally: can you cover for me in english? say I had to stay and finish a math test or something

Dick: Yeah sure, but how come?

Wally: I’m skipping to go see Ms. Lance again because I think I’m about two minutes away from ripping my hair out and I need to vent

Dick: Gotcha. Have fun

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Saturday, November 4
19:09 EST

Roy: Is anyone busy right now?

Kaldur: I am free. What do you need?

Roy: This is gonna sound weird.

Roy: But I kind of need help with something.

Dick: Did you get your head stuck in a lawn chair again?

Roy: That was ONE TIME.

Roy: And no.

Raquel: That must have been a tight fit. Were you a kid back then?

Dick: That was last summer

Raquel: Y i k e s

Roy: Honestly, you get your head stuck in one chair and suddenly you’re the guy who gets stuck in places.

Kaldur: What’s wrong, then?

Roy: Well.

Roy: Uh.

Roy: I kind of got my arm stuck in the dishwasher?

Raquel: Jslkdlkk

Dick: Nope, definitely not the guy who gets stuck in places at all

Roy: SHUT IT YOU DICK.

Dick: Ouch

Raquel: How does one even get stuck in a dishwasher???

Roy: There was a fork lodged in the back and I tried to get it.

Raquel: And how did that turn out for you?

Roy: Not well, my friend. Not well at all.

Dick: I can’t help you, but can I come just so I can take pics

Roy: No.

Dick: Please I’m begging you

Conner: i once got stuck in a swing set

Raquel: How’d you get out?

Conner: chainsaws

Dick: That’s super cool

Conner: it wasnt really at the time, but yeah in hindsight it was awesome

Dick: Maybe you should use a chainsaw to cut Roy out of his dishwasher

Raquel: That would be too risky

Raquel: You don’t want to cut his arm off

Raquel: A small handsaw might work, though

Dick: Or maybe just take the whole thing apart

Conner: one time i took apart my alarm clock and electrocuted myself

Dick: That’s so fun

Raquel: I love your random anecdotes, Kon

Raquel: You should write a book

Dick: Did you die?

Conner: no but i blacked out and saw god

Raquel: What did she look like?

Conner: laverne cox

Raquel: Amazing

Dick: Maybe we should electrocute Roy

Raquel: What would that solve?

Dick: Nothing, but it would be so cool

Roy: Guys my arm hurts over here.

Kaldur: I can come help you.

Roy: Thanks, buddy. 

Chapter Text

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Wednesday, November 09
15:08 EST

Zatanna: my fortune cookie said i should solve all of my problems with karaoke, so legally does that mean i’m allowed to belt out the spice girls every time i take a math test because that’s what it sounds like to me and who am i to disagree with the cookie gods

Raquel: I mean, it’s the law so I don’t think you have much choice

Raquel: The rest of the world is just going to have to deal with it

Zatanna: my thoughts exactly

Wally > Megalicious

Friday, November 11
06:44 EST

Wally: are you a lamp?

Wally: because you light up my world ;D

Wally > Megalicious

Friday, November 11
07:07 EST

Wally: are you made of flouride, iodine, and neon?

Wally: because you’re F-I-Ne

Wally > Megalicious

Friday, November 11
07:24 EST

Wally: megan? you there?

Wally > Duck Great-Sin

Friday, November 11
07:36 EST

Wally: hey, you want to skip sixth period and hang out in the school basement with me? I want to see if that old toilet we found last time is still there

Duck Great-Sin: Sorry buddy, I’ve got a test today

Wally: what about seventh?

Duck Great-Sin: Science lab

Wally: oh okay

Duck Great-Sin: Sorry

Wally: nah, it’s cool. totally cool

Wally: I should probably go to class those periods anyway so it’s 100% all good

Wally > Kallie

Friday, November 11
09:01 EST

Wally: howdy, my man  

Wally: u busy after school?

Kallie: Yes, I am tutoring today. Why?

Wally: no reason

Wally: have fun

Barry > Wally

Friday, November 11
11:17 EST

Barry: Hey, kiddo

Barry: Are you doing anything after school?

Wally: nope, nothing at all I’m totally free today!  

Wally: why? want to go do something?

Barry: I’m going to be working late tonight and Iris has a baby shower to go to, so I was hoping you could record my shows on cable for me. I also left some money for you to get takeout for dinner

Wally: oh

Wally: okay

Barry: See ya later, buddy

Wally: yeah

Group Chat: Alpha Squad

Friday, November 11
11:28 EST

Mxgxn: I don’t know how much longer I can avoid him, guys

Mxgxn: It’s killing my soul

Mxgxn: Any minute now my heart will give out and I’ll start coughing up blood

Zxtxnnx: goddammit guys i knew megs would be the first one to break

Zxtxnnx: she’s too pure for spy work

Dxck: Come on Megan, you just need to hold out for a little longer

Mxgxn: You should see how sad he is

Mxgxn: He’s in spanish with me and he looks like someone just killed his dog

Mxgxn: Marvin White made a dick joke ten minutes ago and Wally didn’t even smile

Rxqxxl: Yikes  

Mxgxn: Please just let me tell him?

Mxgxn: I won’t even say it’s a party, I’ll just hint that there’s a surprise for him later

Dxck: N O

Dxck: Megan, my darling, my angel,

Dxck: I love you with all my heart, but if you breathe a single word of our plans to Wally I will not hesitate to cut you down where you stand

Rxy: I feel bad too. We’ve never forgotten his birthday before.

Cxnnxr: kaldur youve been suspiciously quiet

Cxnnxr: i thought out of all of us you would be the one to give in to your morality first

Kxldxr: I do feel bad, don’t get me wrong.

Kxldxr: I am just distracted by the group chat name.

Cxnnxr: whats wrong with the chat name?

Zxtxnnx: it kinda sounds like a furry thing, but i wasn’t going to say anything until someone else did

Kxldxr: If this is a recycled furry chat I am deleting everything.

Dxck: Come on, alpha squad sounds cool and you know it

Dxck: Like we’re secret agents

Rxqxxl: We’re planning a surprise party, not a jewel heist

Dxck: That you know of

Dxck: First the party, then the world

Mxgxn: Should I bring the cakes over right after school, or should I wait for when we go to set up later?

Dxck: Barry said he’ll be home all day so either works I think

Dxck: We need someone to keep Wally away from his house until 4:00 though so who wants to do it

Zxtxnnx: i volunteer as tribute

Mxgxn: But I need you to help me frost the cookies!!

Zxtxnnx: oh yeah ur right

Kxldxr: Artemis?

Xrtxmxs: Why are you looking at me??

Rxqxxl: Because your only job is to supply party hats and you already did that

Xrtxmxs: (They’re Doc McStuffins ones because I have imagination)  

Zxtxnnx: (an excellent choice)

Xrtxmxs: But what am I supposed to do with Wally?

Cxnnxr: take him out for a burger or something

Xnnxr: we only need an hour or two to set up and then you can bring him straight to his house

Xrtxmxs: Fiiiine

Xrtxmxs: But someone had better make sure to take pics of his face when you all jump out and scream surprise

Dxck: Please, what do you take me for?

Dxck: I bought a new camera just for the occasion

Rxqxxl: Good man

Dick > Roy

Friday, November 11
11:56 EST

Dick: I have a proposal for you

Roy: Dick you know I would love to marry you, but what would the church think?

Dick: Come to GSA today

Roy: Yeahhhhhh I’m good.

Dick: Why not?

Roy: Well you see I would absolutely love to, but unfortunately it’s my cat’s wedding and I can’t afford to miss that, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Dick: Come onnnnnnnnn

Dick: Please?

Roy: No.

Dick: Pretty please?

Roy: Pretty no.

Dick: Pretty please with gummy worms on top?

Roy: No.

Dick: That’s not fair, you KNOW you want to go. You’re just too stubborn to admit it

Roy: I don’t even know anyone there.

Dick: You know me, Wally, and Artemis

Dick: And Kaldur helped free you from your murderous dishwasher that one time so that counts as friendship

Dick: Come on, you’ve got nothing to lose

Dick: And you’re already part of the group chat so that basically means you’re in for life

Roy: I would be happy to leave the chat if that helps.

Dick: Don’t you dare

Dick: Come on, what do you say? You have no reason not to come

Roy: If I say yes, will you leave me alone?

Dick: It’s a possibility  

Roy: Fine, I’ll come.

Dick: YAY!!!

Roy: But if I don’t like it, I’m out.

Dick: Deal

Artemis > Baywatch

Friday, November 11
13:03 EST

Artemis: What are you doing after GSA today?

Baywatch: nothing

Artemis: Want to grab a chicken whizee with me?

Baywatch: I dunno, I was planning on just going home and sleeping

Baywatch: it’s been a long day

Artemis: Come on, I’m buying

Artemis: You can even tell me about that show you keep going on about, the one with the doctor guy

Baywatch: doctor who?

Artemis: Yeah, that

Artemis: So are you in?

Baywatch: someone put you up to this, didn’t they

Artemis: Nope

Artemis: Meet me by your locker after school?

Baywatch: kay

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Friday, November 11
14:19 EST

Kaldur: Do you ever just…appreciate water? I was hot after gym class and I drank a whole ton of water and it was. So great? So refreshing. So euphoric. What would we even BE as a society without water? Everyone would dry out and shatter apart like crunchy leaves, and instead of swimming in pools people would take off their skin in the summer because there is nothing to hydrate them. I don’t know about all of you, but I owe water my whole life and I hope that if I achieve one thing in my short lifetime, it is making the rest of the world love and respect our lord and savior H2O as much as I do because water is fuckinng great.

Zatanna: my fish wrote this while on cocaine

Dick > Artemis

Friday, November 11
16:07 EST

Dick: Where are you?

Artemis: Emotionally? Lying naked on a beach in the Galapagos with a mango smootie

Artemis: *smoothie

Dick: Smootie

Artemis: Wally and I are walking back to the house right now

Artemis: You guys ready on your end?

Dick: Yup yup

Dick: We ran out of candles for the cake, but we adapted and made some out of butter and crayons so it’s basically the same thing

Dick: Also Conner found one of those inflatable dinosaur suits in Wally’s closet so he’s wearing that now and it’s great

Artemis: Man, I haven’t been in the closet in years

Dick: Me neither. I miss the dark ages

Artemis: We’re cominhg up to theb block now sp get readdy okay

Dick: Are. Are you having a seizure?

Artemis: Wally c hallenhegd me to race hi m there and it’’s hard ot type while runningg

Dick: Lmao try not to sweat on the cake when you get here

Artemis: Ffuclk yo u

Group Chat: Alpha Squad

Friday, November 11
16:12 EST

Xrtxmxs: We’re coming up the driveway, so everyone get ready

Zxtxnnx: alpha squad is a go, people! 

Xrtxmxs: We’re on the doorstep now

Dxck: Go time

Dick > Artemis

Friday, November 11
16:31 EST

Dick: [image sent]

Dick: [image sent]

Dick: [image sent]

Dick: [image sent]

Dick: I give you one (1) surprised Wally

Artemis: THANK 

Artemis: That last one is definitely his new contact pic in my phone oh my god

Roy > Dickface

Friday, November 11
17:30 EST

Roy: Dude, where the hell did you go? You vanished right after the Just Dance competition ended.

Dickface: Look up

Roy: Excuse me?

Dickface: Look up

Roy: HOLY FUCKING SHITJHGJHDFHHGJ

Dickface: :) hi

Group Chat: Alpha Squad

Friday, November 11
20:28 EST

Zxtxnnx: i think we can all agree that tonight was a huge success 

Zxtxnnx: i’m proud of us

Mxgxn: Did you see his face when he walked in and saw all the streamers and balloons? Totally worth it

Rxy: Does we mean we can disband the spy/furry chat?

Dxck: Nah, we might need it again for when the rest of you have birthdays and need a healthy dose of friends unexpectedly screaming “happy birthday” in your face like rabid chimpanzees

Kxldxr: You worry me.

Dick > Wallman

Friday, November 11
22:01 EST

Dick: Hey

Dick: Just wanted to say sorry again for pretending to forget your birthday

Wallman: don’t worry about it, dude

Wallman: it was a great surprise

Wallman: and kaldur getting drunk on cake frosting and singing along to beyonce? the birthday present I never knew I needed

Wallman: you got video of that, right?

Dick: in high def

Wallman: nOICE

Wallman: but really, thanks for the party

Wallman: it was great

Dick: You think today was fun? Just wait until you turn 21

Dick: I already have the whole amusement park booked in advance

Wallman: bRO

Wallman: I love you

Dick: Happy birthday! <3

Kaldur > (282)-555-1038

Saturday, November 12
06:29 EST

Contact added: Roy Harper

Kaldur: Hey, it’s Roy? I’m pretty sure we accidentally switched phones after Wally’s party.

Kaldur: Unless of course I just stole yours and mine is floating in a river somewhere, which would suck.

Roy: Hi, yes it’s me.

Roy: Sorry about that.

Roy: I would have contacted you as soon as I realized, but it was locked.

Kaldur: Well thank god one of us is irresponsible and doesn’t lock his phone.

Kaldur: Nice ocean background, by the way.

Roy: Thanks.

Kaldur: If you give me your address I can swing by your house and we can swap back.

Kaldur: Also, I added my contact in your phone because…I don’t really know why? So congrats, you have my contact info now!

Roy: I don’t mind.

Roy: And I am actually at a swim meet right now, but it lasts until noon so if you want you can just come here to the school and drop it off since that might be easier than waiting another five and a half hours for your phone back.

Kaldur: The swim team meets at 6 in the morning? Dedicated mermaids.

Roy: 5:30 actually, but yes.

Kaldur: Damn. And I thought the archery team was intense.

Roy: By the way, we didn’t get the chance to talk much yesterday, but I wanted to say I’m glad you decided to join GSA.

Kaldur: Blame the little shit who shall not be named but is in fact named Dick, but yeah. I’m glad I came too. Besides, I could use the extra extracurricular when I apply to colleges, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Roy: Not because we’re a delightful group of people to spend time with? I’m hurt, Roy.

Kaldur: Alright fine, you guys were cool too I guess.

Roy: So you think you will keep going?

Kaldur: Yeah, I think I will.

Kaldur: Also I’m on my way to the school now with your phone whom I’ve named Terrence in the short time we’ve spent together.

Roy: I’m glad.

Roy: About the GSA thing, I mean. The phone thing is cool too, though, LOL. 

Chapter Text

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Monday, November 14
11:10 EST

Wally: who wants to hear my latest science headcanon

Kaldur: Please just say hypothesis like a normal person.

Wally: anyways my science headcanon is wHAT IF the reason no one can find bigfoot is because it can turn invisible and there are actually a whole bunch of them everywhere but humans just don’t have the ability to see them

Raquel: Holy shit

Wally: I KNOW, RIGHT?  

Zatanna > Rocky

Monday, November 14
12:56 EST

Zatanna: where are u?

Zatanna: u missed my awesome smackdown on that billy hayes guy last period

Zatanna: he said women who wear revealing clothing deserve to be raped, so i called him a whiny bitch and threw his shirt out the window

Rocky: NICE

Rocky: And to answer your question, I’m currently lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs

Zatanna: um

Zatanna: should i be concerned?  

Rocky: I pulled an all-nighter last night to finish a video game, and when I tripped on the steps on the way to class I didn’t have the energy to get up so I took a nap instead

Zatanna: and nobody like, stepped on u or anything?

Rocky: Nah, they kinda just walked around me

Rocky: One girl gave me a pillow

Rocky: A security guard asked me what I was doing before, and when I said I was napping he apologized and said sweet dreams

Zatanna: wow, can i get in on that?

Zatanna: i could use a nap

Rocky: Be my guest

Rocky: Just two gals napping in the stairwell, nbd

Zatanna: oh my god this is gonna be so fun i’m on my way

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Wednesday, November 16
16:00 EST

Kaldur: Is everyone here? I have an announcement.

Zatanna: *gasp* ur gay?!?!?!

Wally: I had no idea!!! 

Dick: Listen, if you wanna choose to be g*y that’s cool and all I guess, but just…don’t rub it in my face pls?

Artemis: God here we go again with the BLT agenda…smh

Roy: You can be as queer as you want in your own home, but just don't do it in front of my kids please I don't want them to turn gay. 

Megan: It’s Adam and Eve, Kaldur. Not Adam and Steve

Kaldur: I’ll take that as a yes.

Kaldur: I have just been informed that Mr. Smith will be out for several months, so he will not be overseeing GSA for the time being.

Wally: a moment of silence everyone for our fallen comrade…

Zatanna: he was so young.......so vibrant.........i’ll never forget u funky tornado man...........

Megan: He lives on in all our hearts :’(

Dick: Sometimes I can still hear his voice, telling me to stop rapping Hamilton over the loudspeakers or he’ll throw me out the window…….it’s like he’s still here with us

Kaldur: He literally just has jury duty and will be back in February, calm yourselves.

Artemis: Poor Kaldur is in denial, it seems. Don’t worry Kal, he’s in a better place now  

Roy: Who’s going to be running GSA while he’s out?

Kaldur: For the time being, we will have a rotating queue of teachers who have volunteered to step in while he is gone.

Conner: neat, its like den mother musical chairs

Kaldur: Pretty much.

Dick: So who’s on first?

Wally: who

Dick: Who?

Wally: yes

Dick: Who’s on first?

Wally: exactly

Dick: No no no, I mean the teacher on first

Wally: yes, who

Dick: The first one on the rotation

Wally: who

Dick: The teacher who will oversee gsa

Wally: that would be who

Dick: Who?

Wally: yup, that’s his name

Dick: What’s his name?

Wally: no, what is actually on second

Dick: What?

Wally: yup

Dick: Just tell me what’s on first

Wally: no, that’s who

Dick: Who’s on first?

Wally: yes

Zatanna: this is fuckinhg hilarious i’m gonna piss myselfjkjlks

Megan > Conner

Saturday, November 19
10:07 EST

Megan: Hey, so I saw you changed your facebook status

Conner: you still use facebook? i thought that was way out of date

Megan: Says the guy who still uses facebook

Conner: i like to post pictures of wolf

Megan: And no, but Zatanna saw it and immediately called me to scream about it

Conner: …do you want me to change it back?

Megan: No, not at all! Lol it’s not that don’t worry

Megan: I was just wondering if that was really what we are now

Megan: In a relationship

Conner: i think so?

Conner: i dont have a lot of experience with this to be honest

Megan: Well neither do I, so we’re even

Conner: do you WANT to be in a relationship with me? like boyfriend/girlfriend?

Megan: I'm trying not to sound overeager, but I really really do

Megan: A lot

Conner: me too

Megan: Okay, then I guess we're dating now? 

Conner: i guess so  

Megan: This feels super awkward

Conner: yeah 

Conner: would you mind if i called you? it just feels weird doing this over text

Megan: Sure! Just hang on a second

Conner: for what?

Megan: I’m making a facebook account so I can change my status too  

Conner: dork

Megan: You started it

[Incoming call from Conner ]

[Call ended: 32:04]

Megan

Saturday, November 19
11:17 EST

Contact changed to: Conner <3

Group Chat: Columbus was A Racist Hoe

Sunday, November 20
14:33 EST

Wally: am I the only one who’s lowkey dreading thanksgiving, or…?

Conner: im right there with you buddy

Megan: Really, Wally? I thought out of everyone you would be the one most excited for Thanksgiving

Wally: two words: homophobic family

Wally: ...and transphobic family

Wally: so that’s five words I guess

Raquel: I felt that in my soul

Zatanna: same. my dad is amazing, but the rest of my family is a bunch of old stuffy italian people who are all super conservative, so that’s loads of fun

Megan: Last year Uncle John thought it would be a good idea if we spent Thanksgiving with the rest of my family, and it was so uncomfortable I’m pretty sure my soul left my body for a good three hours that day 

Conner: i would offer to invite you to my thanksgiving, but itll just be my dads glaring at each other from across the table the whole time while my stepmom talks about reporter stuff so…

Wally: I didn’t know you had two dads, that’s so cool!

Conner: trust me its not. they hate each other

Wally: why?

Conner: you dont want to know

Artemis: I’m going to be spending it with weirdos too so you’re not alone, Kon

Roy: How dare you? I will staple your lungs to a tree.

Artemis: Okay but Oliver spends the whole time making terrible food puns and Dinah is the school psychologist so that’s hella awkward

Roy: But I’m cool, right?

Artemis: No

Roy: :’(

Zatanna: don’t worry roy honey i think ur cool

Roy: :’)

Dick: Well I for one can’t wait until Turkey Day™

Dick: My family can’t have a sit-down dinner without erupting into complete chaos which usually involves mashed potatoes on the ceiling and at least two broken bones

Dick: It’s awesome

Conner: i feel like the more i learn about you, the more terrified i am to ever visit your home

Dick: As you should be :)

Artemis: Holy shit I just got chills  

Artemis: That cursed smiley came into my house and ate my children

Artemis > Dickhead

Monday, November 21
18:40 EST

Artemis: Hey, can I ask you something?

Dickhead: Yes these are in fact my real boobs, are you shocked?

Artemis: I just came back from Wally’s house after working more on our project (which is almost done by the way so eat my ass, Albert Einstein) and. Barry and Iris? I thought they were his parents?

Dickhead: Oh yeah, no they’re his aunt and uncle

Artemis: Apparently

Artemis: It’s just that if I hadn’t heard him call them that, I never would have even questioned it  

Dickhead: And let me guess, you texted me cause you want to know what happened to his parents?

Artemis: You must be a hit in charades

Artemis: But…kind of? I was just curious about how the whole living situation happened? I mean they definitely ACT like his parents, so…

Dickhead: It’s not really my story to tell

Artemis: I know, and don’t worry I’m not asking for details or anything

Artemis: Just

Artemis: Are they dead?

Dickhead: No, they’re not dead

Artemis: But they’re not around

Dickhead: Not anymore

Artemis: And what the heckity heck does that mean?

Dickhead: Look, if you really want to know then you should just ask Wally

Dickhead: It’s not a secret or anything, but I feel like I shouldn’t be the one telling the story, y’know?

Artemis: Gotcha

Artemis: Thanks

Dickhead: No problem

Wally > Megalicious

Monday, November 21
20:04 EST

Wally: you’re so cute, you make me not want to blink because I’m afraid to miss even a second of your cuteness <3

Megalicious: Haha Conner actually told me that one during lunch today, that’s so funny

Wally: don’t sweat it babe, I’ll get more original lines just for you ;)

Wally > Megalicious

Monday, November 21
20:26 EST

Wally: wait a second who said what

Artemis > Baywatch

Tuesday, November 22
15:17 EST

Artemis: Let’s say, hypothetically, that I wanted to cash in one of my 20 questions

Baywatch: okay?

Artemis: But what if it was kind of a touchy subject and I wouldn’t want you to feel obligated to answer

Artemis: Hypothetically, you would be allowed to not answer, right?

Baywatch: I guess if it’s really that personal

Baywatch: but you being all shifty about this is making my anxiety skyrocket a bit, so how about you just ask me and whatever happens happens

Artemis: But what if it’s too personal and I should just mind my own business?

Baywatch: idk, ask me and find out

Artemis: Yeah but I don’t want to pry even though that’s exactly what I’m doing

Artemis: Also I don’t know if I actually WANT to know the answer to begin with or if I’m just being nosy for the sake of being nosy

Baywatch: you couldn't have done this whole "I should/I shouldn't" spiral BEFORE you texted me? 

Artemis: Okay you know what just forget it, I’m not gonna ask

Baywatch: what is it?

Artemis: Never mind

Baywatch: okay but ur scaring me now so just ask already before I have a panic attack 

Artemis: No I changed my mind

Baywatch: artemissssssss

Baywatch: ask me ask me ask me

Artemis: No

Baywatch: I swear on my own grave that if you don’t ask me right this very second I’m gonna die and it’ll be your fault and then my ghost will keep secrets from you just to piss you off 

Artemis: Are you sure?

Baywatch: YES

Artemis: Okay, but just remember that you told me to ask

Baywatch: THANK YOU  

Baywatch: so…what’s your question?

Artemis: Well up until I was at your house yesterday, I sort of figured Barry and Iris were your parents? But it turns out they’re not and that got me wondering about…stuff

Baywatch: oh

Baywatch: that’s it?

Artemis: Yeah

Baywatch: fuck you artemis, you got me all nervous for nothing just now

Baywatch: I thought you were going to ask about my secret barbie movie collection

Artemis: Your what now

Baywatch: lemme guess, you want to know what happened to my actual parents?

Artemis: Like I said, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I totally get it

Baywatch: no it’s okay, it’s not like it’s a secret

Baywatch: most of our other friends know anyway, so it’s only fair you know too

Artemis: Okay  

Baywatch: there’s not much to it really except my parents were kind of dicks? at least my dad was

Baywatch: my mom was nice but she didn’t really help or anything, so I mean 

Baywatch: but yeah, abusive asshole who became even more of an abusive asshole when he found out his daughter was actually his son, and he kind of lost it in a punchy/kicky/beat-the-shit-out-of-your-own-human-child kinda way

Baywatch: later that night I panicked and called barry for help, and he got me outta there real quick

Baywatch: then we moved to happy harbor for a fresh start, and now we’re still here four years later chillin like villains on penicillin

Baywatch: aaaaand that’s all I think. the end  

Artemis: Holy shit

Artemis: You're serious?

Baywatch: unfortunately yeah

Baywatch: but like I said, that was a long time ago and I haven’t seen my dad in years

Baywatch: and I’m mostly over it all now, so just don’t be weird okay?

Artemis: Yeah, it’s just  

Artemis: I don’t mean to quote The Breakfast Club (1989) dir. John Hughes, but your dad and my dad should go bowling

Baywatch: wait what   

Artemis: Yeah

Baywatch: oh 

Artemis: I mean nowhere near the same level I guess, but yeah

Baywatch: I feel like a giant dick for this but is it bad that all I can think of rn is “same hat”?

Baywatch: because same hat

Artemis: I’m sorry you had to go through all that

Artemis: That’s really rough

Baywatch: shut up I literally just told you not to be weird about it weren’t you even paying attention

Baywatch: kids these days I swear

Artemis: Sorry

Baywatch: damn straight

Artemis: So, about those barbie movies…

Baywatch: sorry, what’s that? I can’t hear you I’m going into a tunnel now hmmm that’s a shame

Artemis: Coward

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Thursday, November 24
09:04 EST

Dick: HAPPY TURKEY DAY MOTHERFUCKERS

Dick: Let’s all go round the table and say what we’re thankful for like the loving family we are (◡‿◡✿)

Dick: I’ll go first

Dick: I am thankful for the happy lil freckle on my right hand that looks like the left side of Elvis Presley’s face

Raquel: Pic or you’re lying

Dick: [image sent]

Raquel: Well hello Mr. Presley

Raquel: I’m thankful for my roomba whom I’ve decorated with ninja turtle stickers because I love my son

Wally: I’m thankful for the fact that I have more freckles than dick

Dick: Yeah but nobody ever wants Big Freckle Energy so who’s the real winner here

Conner: ouch 

Artemis: Wow, how'd that feel, Wally? 

Artemis: He just came for your whole entire life. He snatched your wig clean off your skull. He came into your house, stole all your dishes, peed on your floor, and shaved your dog. Now are you just going to take that sitting down, or aRE YOU GOING TO FIGHT BACK? 

Kaldur: Stop being an instigator, Artemis. 

Dick: Talk shit get hit, now who else wants some of this (ง •̀_•́)ง

Wally: I hope your toothbrush grows mold on it

Kaldur: Stop ruining my Thanksgiving, you Cretins. 

Kaldur: I, for one, am thankful for my step-father’s delicious lemon squares, which taste like the whole universe baked into a square. They’re mouthgasmic.

Conner: good news everyone! kaldur here is officially banned from using the word ‘mouthgasm’ ever again!

Artemis: Ooh that sounds yummy I want a mouthgasm square

Wally: sTOP

Kaldur: I’ll save one for you.

Artemis: YEET <3

Artemis: I am also thankful for Kaldur’s stepdad’s lemon squares

Megan: I’m thankful for my friends, which is you guys because I love you all <3

Artemis: Awwww

Dick: This was supposed to be funny but things just got real,,, i luve yuo migan,,,,,

Zatanna: MEGAN UR MAKING ME CRY

Kaldur: Actually I’m changing my answer to that too because I also care about all of you.

Wally: STOP MAKING ME EMOTIONAL THAT’S NOT FAIR

Raquel: QUICK SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING FUNNY BEFORE WE ALL CATCH THE WARM AND FUZZIES

Conner: im thankful for the terribly made knick knacks you buy in the dollar store that you dont need or have any use for but you buy it anyway because its only a dollar and then you forget about it three days later and it made absolutely no impact on your life at all 

Raquel: Phew, that was a close one fellas

Roy: I’m thankful for the can of redbull I stashed in my jacket pocket because I will definitely be needing it today.

Zatanna: well i’m thankful that pluto is a planet because ohana means family and family means nobody gets left behind or forced to become a dumb dwarf planet :)

Roy: Pluto will never be a real planet and you need to move on.

Zatanna: excuse???????? 

Zatanna: that's it who wants to watch me beat roy's ass behind nasa headquarters at high noon because we are Doing This 

Artemis: FINALLY the fight I've been waiting for 

Conner > Megan

Thursday, November 24
09:56 EST

Conner: i lied earlier

Conner: this year im thankful for you <3

Megan: HGNFJHFKHKDDFHG

Megan > Artemis

Thursday, November 24
09:58 EST

Megan: [image sent]

Megan: HELP HE’S TOO F*CKING SWEET I’M HAVING A SEIZURE

Artemis: 1) Dear god that’s adorable

Artemis: 2) I’m sorry but I just can’t take you seriously with that asterisk. If you’re going to swear then fucking COMMIT to it

Megan: Fu…..fu……

Artemis: Yes go on

Megan: I’m nervous

Raquel > Kaldur

Thursday, November 24
13:41 EST

Raquel: [image sent]

Raquel: I just saw this on your snap story and uh,  

Raquel: Why does your mom literally look like Beyonce

Kaldur: My mom used to model for Vogue in the eighties.

Raquel: No offense, but I’m pretty sure your mom is actually the goddess Aphrodite in human form who came to visit earth and melt the flesh of mortals but stayed for a passionate love affair which resulted in a son with cheekbones sharper than a well-dressed butch and made her realize that maybe humans aren’t so bad after all, perhaps there is indeed more to us than meets the eye

Kaldur: Thanks! That was very weird to read and I hated every second of it!

Raquel: You are so FUCKING welcome my man

Chapter Text

Zatanna > Arty

Tuesday, December 6
01:56 EST 

Zatanna: yes it is

Artemis: ?

Artemis: What does this mean

Artemis: Zee?

Artemis: You still there?

Artemis: I don’t know what that means

Artemis: Did you mean to send it to someone else?

Artemis: Zee

Group Chat: Columbus Was A Racist Hoe

Wednesday, December 7
08:00 EST

Dick: HAPPY PEARL HARBOR DAY BINCHES!!!  

Dick has renamed the group: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF

Megan: His name was Hermie you ignorant slut

Megan: But yes you are absolutely right

Raquel: Love that funky lil dentist

Kaldur: I visited Pearl Harbor once. It was lovely.

Zatanna: how dare u all forget the most important part of this holy day smh

Zatanna: happy national cotton candy day, folksies! because in this house we RESPECT fluffy sugar

Dick: Oh yeah candy floss, I love that stuff

Wally: wu……wut

Dick: Hmm?

Artemis: Candy floss…

Conner: what the genuine, actual, LITERAL fuck is that

Dick: Candy floss

Dick: Candy that looks like cotton

Wally: so….cotton candy

Dick: Nope

Dick: Candy floss

Zatanna: who the fucc calls it candy floss

Zatanna: that sounds like something u would give to a kid to make them stop being afraid of the dentist

Dick: People say it in England

Wally: never in my life have I ever not loved alfred until today

Wally: he’s turned you into a monster

Dick: Sorry but candy floss is the only correct way to call it and that’s just the tea

Artemis: That is the barnacliest load of barnacles I have ever heard in my seven whole years of life  

Dick: You’re all fake fans if you don’t call it candy floss

Wally: you mean cotton candy

Dick: Candy floss

Wally: cotton candy

Dick: Candy floss

Wally: COTTON!

Wally: CANDY!

Dick: CANDY FLOSS!!!

Artemis: That’s like people who call flip flops thongs

Artemis: Incorrect and invalid

Wally: wait wait wait wait wait hold the phone hold everything

Wally: is that really a thing

Wally: thongs for shoes

Megan: Yeah, they call it that in Australia I think

Wally: oh my

Wally: oh my god

Artemis: Uh oh he’s planning something I can smell it

Megan: What does it smell like?

Artemis: Old tuna and disappointment

Wally: I am TOTALLY going to wear flip flops to school today and tell everyone I’m wearing a thong this will be so fucking great

Artemis: It’s 40 degrees outside

Wally: yes? and? cowardice is for underachievers, my dearest greenest grasshopper

Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF

Wednesday, December 7
11:20 EST

Wally: [image sent]

Wally: update: I look GREAT in my thongs

Dick: Hey Walls, boxers or briefs?

Wally: *spins around in my office chair, tipping my sunglasses down my nose while taking a puff from my pipe* why thong of course, my dear watson

Roy: I am literally begging you to stop.

Kaldur > Artemis

Thursday, December 8
13:19 EST

Kaldur: I have a question.

Artemis: Shoot

Kaldur: Roy and I have calculus together. Today I gave him a stick of gum, and a few minutes later he folded the wrapper into a teeny tiny crane and placed it gingerly on my desk.

Artemis: Okay…

Kaldur: That was it.

Artemis: So what’s your question?

Kaldur: My question is what the fuck.

Artemis: You lost me

Kaldur: That happened two periods ago and I cannot stop blushing, and I don’t think that is what usually happens when you get a silly gift from a friend.

Artemis: No it’s not

Kaldur: Make it stop.

Artemis: Oh, boy

Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF

Thursday, December 10
07:29 EST

Zatanna: apparently babies can hear music in the womb? so like, imagine if someone just listens to nothing but heavy screamo death metal for their kid and that lil fella grows up to become the most awesome kid in the whole entire universe

Conner: please never reproduce

Artemis > Zatanna

Friday, December 11
15:04 EST

Artemis: You may have been able to dodge me during GSA, but know that I will never give up

Artemis: I will find out what that text means if it kills me

Zatanna: [image sent]

Zatanna: then perish :)

Artemis: JUST TELL ME  

Happy Harbor High School Alert System > All Students

Monday , December 14
05:00 EST

Attention all students and faculty: Due to unforeseen weather conditions, school has been closed for today. Enjoy your snow day!

Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF

Monday, December 14
05:18 EST

Raquel: [image sent]

Raquel: IT’S A DICK’S BIRTHDAY MIRACLE

Raquel: I’m going back to bed but lemme just say,

Raquel: Global warming sucks but today it gave me a gift and I am forever in its debt

Roy: Amen to that.

Kaldur > Dick

Monday, December 14
06:09 EST

Kaldur: Happy birthday, Dick!

Dick: THANKS DUDE

Megan > Dick

Monday, December 14
06:32 EST

Megan: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! :D

Megan: Spoiler alert: I may have already baked enough cake pops to feed a small army, so be warned ;)

Dick: Megs you’re the best <3  

Megan: <3

Zatanna > Dickie

Monday, December 14
07:27 EST

Zatanna: happy BIRTHDAY u funky fellow! ur now officially one year closer to ur death day!!! :D

Dickie: Thanks, I can’t wait!

Wally > Dickhead

Monday, December 14
07:49 EST

Wally: YOU!!!!!!!!

Dickhead: ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wally: YOU’RE AN OLD MAN NOW!!!!!!!!

Dickhead: I ALREADY TOLD TIM TO GET OFF MY LAWN TWICE TODAY!!!!!!!!!

Wally: YAY!!!!!!!!

Dickhead: YAY!!!!!!

Wally: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wally: so other than being old as FUCK, how is your official 15^th year of burthness going so far?

Dickhead: I woke up at 3am and spent a solid hour twerking in the kitchen to Ninki Minjaj’s version of the birthday song

Dickhead: So clearly I am fanTASTIC today

Barbara > Dick

Monday , December 14
09:39 EST

Barbara: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOSER!! <333

Dick: Thanks, Babs :)

Barbara: Any birthday wishes this year? Aside from a growth spurt, of course

Dick: I’ll have you know I’ve grown two inches since last year so choke

Barbara: I’ll believe it when I see it

Dick: And do you want a fun response, or do you want a sappy response because this question is multiple choice

Barbara: Hmmm gimme both  

Barbara: I like variety

Dick: First off, for Bruce to stop wearing those godawful booty shorts he got from Selina around the house because I don’t know how much longer I can take it. They literally say Hot Dad in sequins on the back and it makes me want to die

Barbara: A worthy goal

Barbara: And the second one?

Dick: It’s really cheesy, but for you to come visit? That way we can actually hang out face to face for the first time in six months seventeen days and twelve minutes

Barbara: Someone’s been keeping track I see

Dick: Who, me? Of course not

Barbara: On a rate from one to ten trillion, how happy would you be if I could make one of those wishes come true?

Dick: Don’t tell me you sent me a sexy box of matches so I can burn Bruce’s booty shorts

Barbara: Not exactly

Barbara: [image sent]

Dick: ASDFGHJKLFGHJ ARE THOSE PLANE TICKETS  

Barbara: Happy birthday, Dick!

Dick: SDFGHJLKJHHJHJ

Wally > Megalicious

Monday, December 14
10:54 EST

Wally: how do u bak a cak

Megalicious: first u need to cracc an egg

Wally: a wat

Artemis > Zatanna

Monday, December 14
11:06 EST

Artemis: Zee

Artemis: Hey

Artemis: Hey Zee what does it mean

Group Chat: The Elf From Rudolph Was Gay AF

Monday, December 14
13:24 EST

Wally: attention everyone!!!

Wally: it is now 1:24 on the dot, so HAPPY OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY DICK!!!!! <3

Raquel: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

Artemis: Dick I am so glad you managed to stay alive for a whole 365 days in a row

Conner: happy birthday dick!!

Roy: Happy birthday, bro. :)

Roy: But why does it matter that it’s 1:24?

Wally: because this is the exact moment 15 years ago when dick’s scrunchie bloody baby face first met fresh air and bright lights

Raquel: Hey Wally, do you accept constructive criticism?

Wally: no I do not but thanks for asking

Dick: I don’t know if I should be grossed out or touched but either way THANK

Zatanna: i think a little of both is a safe bet

Wally: okay but for real, I love you man <3

Dick: I love you too <33

Dick: No homo tho

Wally: not even a little homo?

Dick: Maybe just a teeny bit of homo

Wally: a small dash of homo

Dick: Just a wee bit of homo for flavor

Wally: a zesty sprinkle of homo on this bromantic cake

Artemis: This is really really gay

Dick: It is my /BIRTHDAY/, WOMAN, LET ME HAVE THIS

Dick: Speaking of!!

Roy: Did Bruce let you have coffee? You seem a bit more hyper today than usual which says a lot.

Dick: Redbull actually! It’s really really good except my eye won’t stop twitching and I can smell colors

Roy: Yikes.

Dick: You’re all coming to my party this weekend, right? I snuck into your houses while you were sleeping and left invitations under your pillows because I’m like the tooth fairy but smaller and about 12.7% more demonic

Artemis: I’m sorry what

Kaldur: Yes, I am definitely coming.

Megan: Me too! :D

Zatanna: not to be dramatic but i would honestly rather die than miss ur party

Dick: Dark, but I LOVE the enthusiasm!

Raquel: I want to see if there are any ghosts in your house

Dick: Does Jason count

Raquel: What

Dick: What  

Conner: count me in

Wally: yuppers because I invited myself to sleep over that day anyway

Dick: Good, I can’t wait for you all to meet Barbara it’ll be so fun

Megan: Who’s Barbara?

Wally: *cough* my arch ENEMY *cough*

Dick: You really need to let that go, dude

Dick: I can have more than one best friend

Wally: yeah, more than one best friend who both happen to have red hair, are science geniuses, and who you lowkey flirt with daily

Wally: it won’t be long before I end up bumped from my spot as bestest friend in the world, just like christina when she left grey’s anatomy and was never heard from again and got replaced with several new and better best friends because the world is a cruel cruel place  

Wally: (okay ngl I actually love babs and she’s great but also this is my turf and I am Ready To Battle)

Dick: I’ve known her like five years longer than you. If anything YOU invaded HER turf and I just let you stay because you’re the cheese to my mac <3

Wally: bRO <3  

Conner: this went in a whole lot of directions

Dick: Anyways, Babs is my friend who’s flying out this weekend from Gotham to come to my birthday party and she’s awesome so you’ll all love her

Artemis: You used to live in Gotham? DUDE SAME

Dick: A fellow veteran, I see! I feel like meeting people from Gotham is like bumping into people you knew before the apocalypse

Zatanna: why? what’s wrong with gotham?

Dick: Have you ever been there?

Zatanna: no

Dick: Good. Don’t go