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She can feel the warmth of it in her hand, as she can feel the ghost of warmth on her lips. Heat still radiating from her core even though it’s a cold, dark night. They lost track of time, how could they not, when after all this time they were finally together. ‘’Quiero pasar cada dia de mi vida contigo’’ she remembers her love saying and smiles into the darkness.
It’s already past two in the morning and she only now realizes Natalia will probably hear her come in so she won’t be able to read Luisita’s diary until the morning. The thought of having to wait to find out what’s hidden in those pages makes her anxious but it’s soon forgotten when she finally gets into bed, the diary safe under her pillow, thoughts now drifting to things no page has the power to hold. Dripping burning heat, her breathless love, the softness of her skin. She sleeps deeply that night, the deepest sleep she’s had since moving to Madrid.
When she wakes up she can’t feel her arm and as she groggily rises she realizes she’s been holding the diary with it under her pillow. And just like that the sleepiness is gone. She grabs her clothes, a towel and the diary and runs to the bathroom. She needs to be alone and in peace to read this. Luckily Natalia has a thing for candles and there are a few scattered around the bathroom. She grabs the chance, since Natalia is still sleeping, to light them and run a bath.
The water is warm but she’s warmer and she’s not sure if it’s because of the nerves or the little fires around her. She lets herself be immersed and opens the diary on the page from which the little string is dangling. That tingling feeling low in her belly, the one she’s been feeling all her waking hours lately, returns when she imagines Luisita with her furrowed brows and bent down face writing about her. She traces a finger over the first few words and begins reading.
‘’ The light in El Kings is making me melancholic, it’s so low and romantic and watching the couple on the couch kiss isn’t helping me either. They look so in love with each other; you can tell by the way she keeps looking at his lips and the way he caresses her thigh. I’ve always wondered why I can’t feel those things. It never feels natural; it didn’t with Sebas or Lucas either. Maybe I am not able to love, maybe I’m a freak incapable of caring for another. But I do care for others, I care for my mother, my father, my siblings, Amelia. Amelia. I don’t know what I would do without her, I’ve been so much happier since she came into my life. She’s truly the most fascinating person I know, her shows never fail to leave me speechless and sometimes I wonder how the men sitting next to the podium don’t fall off their chairs. She’s so beautiful’’
Amelia blushes as she turns to the next page.
‘’ I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. The way her lips felt so soft against mine, how her hair fell into my face, how her smell still lingers on my dress. I can’t stop burying my face in it and breathing in, hoping I’ll understand what I’m feeling. Every time I see her my heart starts beating faster and my hands get sticky and I get so nervous I think someday I might actually faint. But then Amelia would worry and that’s the last thing I want, I already hurt her enough with the whole prison thing. When I saw her that day, I could die of happiness. She came back for me, left Sara and came back to me. That means something right? ‘’
Amelia is pulled from her thoughts when there’s a knock at the door.
‘’Amelia? Are you in there?’’, Natalia asks.
‘’Yes! I’ll be out in a minute!’’, Amelia responds and quickly turns to the next page.
‘’ I saw her in the square today and I panicked. She looked so ethereal, like an angel from heaven and I had just left the house after the chaos caused by the water and I looked a mess. So I ran away before she could see me. And yet everything in me pushes me towards her. It feels so natural being around her. She makes me smile more than anyone, she’s the one my heart seeks out when I’m sad. Sometimes she looks at me and I’m sure she’s going to kiss me and when she doesn’t I feel disappointed. I have never wanted to be kissed by anyone before, never wanted to spend all day with them or watch them go on about their daily life. But everything Amelia does fascinates me. The way she brushes the hair out of her face, how graceful she is when talking to clients. Her performances make me shiver and sometimes I wish I were the one sitting next to the stage instead of those old men. I don’t like them staring at her. When I’m thinking those things sometimes she’ll look right at me as if she can read my mind and it makes my heart race.’’
Amelia gets out of the bath and dries off before turning to the last page.
‘’I think I love her. There’s no other way to describe it. It fits all the boxes for love and I think I have finally accepted it. I want to be brave and I want to be happy and my happiness is Amelia. Seeing her smile, feeling her arms around my body. I want to kiss her again and again and again until my lips dry. I want to breathe in her smell and bathe in her glow. It’s been so confusing and scary figuring all this out and by pushing her away I realized I cannot be apart from her. I cannot stand the thought of her loving someone else. I want her to be mine and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Now I only need to find the courage to tell her.’’
‘’Beat you to it, my love’’, Amelia whispers to herself as she puts the diary against her skin and lets herself be in this moment of pure bliss. She makes a mental note to kiss Luisi more.