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The hot water made my legs spasm. Only when my ankles knocked against the rim of the tub and my back slammed into the bathroom door did I realize that the shower's heat and wetness felt awfully familiar.
I hung my head over the sink and wiped my forehead. My chest heaved but I gulped and reminded myself that I wanted a shower. The titan's saliva had dried tight on my skin. My hands looked pink and shiny. I cringed. I hadn't noticed until I'd had a chance to breathe for the first time today that the enzymes in the saliva actually kind of stung. Get this stuff off, I told myself. It's okay. It's a shower. You need it.
After I allowed exactly enough time it took for the last bits of crust to wash from my hair, I jerked the water off and burst out of the bathroom. Even the steam pressed heavy on my shoulders and I didn't want to look at it or breathe it in. I smeared a towel over my legs and waist and jammed my legs into my pants. I threw my dresser drawer open and stuffed my shirt over my head. I needed to get these clothes on. Night clothes meant nighttime, and nothing could happen to us at nighttime. I slumped onto my bed and scrubbed my eyes and took long, deliberate breaths. Droplets clung to my hair but the cold air drew the heat away and my heart felt safe in slowing down.
Eren lay on a bed nearby. I knew that a million guards stood outside. I knew that they didn't trust him. I didn't have the energy to think about his future and I especially didn't want to think about his past. All I wanted to process were the images of his eyelids fluttering. Only hours had passed since my knees had given out at the sight of his eyelids fluttering.
The door creaked open and Mikasa entered. She nodded a greeting at me, then went straight for Eren's bed. She slid under the sheets and climbed practically on top of him and very meticulously situated her ear over the middle of his chest.
That reminded me of the times years ago when snow fell relentlessly, and our thin clothing, candles, and wooden houses had laughed at us. I'd always go to Eren's house, and the three of us would throw a blanket over our heads as we snuggled into his mattress. How many hours I could talk about the atlases I'd stolen, but every time Eren would sling his arm across my back and Mikasa would press against his collar and they'd fall asleep in minutes. I never blamed them, though. Warmth was a strange thing – normally we could either deal with frigid weather or hot titans. Our choice. We were clever finding a middle ground.
Mikasa propped up on one elbow and stared at me. Her gaze was soft and inviting. Concerned. Lonely and a little desperate. I got up and walked to their bed. When she saw me stand up, she laid her head back down on Eren's chest.
Now that I stood this close, I felt myself gripped by a stifling desire to feel his arm. Every time I looked at it I also saw it lying on the concrete. I nestled against his left side and leaned my temple on his upper arm. It wasn't on the concrete. It wasn't on the concrete. It was under my cheek.
For a moment all Mikasa and I could do was stare at each other. This close I could see the lines that exhaustion had carved under her eyes. I gulped again. She wasn't judging or blaming me. Her eyelids hung heavy and her lips lightly touched and the only thing in that look was love, was patience. My limbs felt heavy. I started losing touch of where my body ended and this bed began. My eyelids drooped. My feet ached. My joints ached. My head ached. My heart ached.
The door opened again. Jean stumbled into the room and threw his jacket onto the ground and kicked his shoes off, choking and sniffling. Mikasa and I both raised our heads and Jean looked at us, scowled, snarled, “Fuck you guys,” and collapsed onto his bed.
Tears pooled in my eyes again and my chest tightened but Mikasa gently pressed my head down and dragged a sheet up my back. She left her hand on my shoulderblade as we listened to Jean howl curses into his pillow before his gasping breaths grew farther apart and soon even out and he stilled. One more time I lifted my head to look at him. His chest rose and fell steadily enough but his brow twisted and streaks of tears gleamed on his cheeks.
When I put my head down again, Mikasa's fingers curled around the sheet that she pressed to my back. She stared at me again with that soft gratitude. I knew what she was thinking. Jean flopped into cold sheets but I had the privilege of realizing how warm my cheek felt against Eren's arm. A wave of gratitude built swelling pressure in my throat. Tears leaked out of my eyes again and I slid my arm around Eren's. How close had it been, I thought. How close had I been to never feeling this kind of warmth, again – to going back to choosing frigid air or burning titan.
Mikasa's head slumped and I felt her fingers loosen a little. I allowed myself to sigh and not think about the way Eren's arm crunched when it hit the pavement and not think about the titan's decaying breath when its teeth clacked together. Instead I managed to think about one night right after my parents died. It had been a particularly cold winter. That night even I'd been too cold to reach my hands out from under the sheets to flip the pages of my atlas. It hadn't been hard to steal that atlas. Nobody'd had the energy to notice or stop me.
“Aw...I wanted to – wanted to show you guys these pictures – ”
Eren pushed the book out of my reach. “It's okay, show us tomorrow.”
My thrashing heart made it hard to breathe. “No – it's a good book, you need to see, you should see the mountains – ”
Mikasa wrapped her arms around my waist and I felt her head press into the middle of my back. I wheezed until Eren said, “Well, we can still hear about it. Tell us about them.”
“They're covered in – in snow, and tall trees that have needles, and if you – if you stand on top of the mountains – ” My pillow was soaked and I felt the cold on my cheek – “You can see everything! And you're so high up, that you know how big the world is – and maybe it's – maybe it's lonely – ”
My eyes jammed shut and cheeks tightened. Sobs wrenched from my throat. I clamped my hands around Mikasa's and wailed so hard that Eren could only hold my head to his collar.
Eventually my chest heaved and all that could escape me were feeble whimpers held down by exhaustion. “I know,” Mikasa whispered. “Don't feel lonely. You're loved. You have family in lots of places.” And Eren had nodded and leaned his cheek against the top of my head.
That same heavy warmth held me now, but the tears that dripped from my eyes had a taste of relief to them. A lot of cadets' eyes had closed today. I feared essentially nothing more than seeing the closed eyes of the people next to me, but maybe right now it was okay.