Chapter Text
babe raiders
Sam: bros. we are parted once again
Sam: and i’d just like to remind u to hold me fondly in ur memories
Sam: for I am STILL KING
Sam: still. king.
Derek: u mean STINking
Derek: can’t believe you beat me AGAIN. worst end to the summer EVER
Derek: can’t believe i have to go back 2 college DEFEATED
Ralph: Sam showers every day Derek, respect his OCD
Derek: fine fine
Derek: u mean STINK BOMB
Sam: Derek where did you put it and who is it aimed at
Sam: is it Casey because I need to know now
Sam: there are people counting on me to let them know whether they need to put their phones on silent and/or loud
Derek: NO! I am a man of twenty, I don’t leave stink bombs for Casey any more
Derek: it’s in Ed’s room at home and he’ll find it later
Derek: Casey gets the glitter bombs now, Sam
the quiet life
Sam: still not entirely sure how i feel about a chat where we complain about our mutual exes
Emily: i’ve decided that since we’re not dating, it’s not weird
Sam: yeah honestly it’s the best so not gonna complain. ps brace yourself
Emily: WHY
Sam: Derek
Sam: why else??
Besties xoxo
Emily: is it weird that I have a group chat with Sam where we mostly complain about the drama in our lives
Casey: ...Emily did you mean to send that to me
Casey: since I’m pretty sure your group chat with Sam is 80% moaning about me moaning about Derek
Emily: eh, maybe 40%?
Emily: a good 10% is mutual bitching about being single
Emily: at least 50% is Derek’s refusal to grow up though so ur defs the winner there
Casey: wow great I am so relieved thanks Em :-|
Emily: shade!!!!!! babe I’m proud of u
McDonald-Venturis
Nora: (image)
Nora: Simon sat up on his own today!!!
Casey: Awwwww look at that big smile!
Marti: it was super cute you guys
Derek: he’ll be mobile and planning pranks in no time
babe raiders
Sam: Derek
Sam: I have questions
Derek: u sound like case
Sam: yes. she also will have questions
Sam: like “w t actual f”
Sam: are you joking about the latest glitter bomb
Derek: why would i joke about that
Sam: *facepalm*
Ralph: Casey likes glitter more than a bad smell. I think it’s very thoughtful of you Derek
Derek: wait
Ralph: you should always show girls that you respect their interests even if you don’t share them
Derek: what
Ralph: I think this is character growth for you
Sam: *facepalm*
the quiet life
Emily: Sam why do I need to brace myself and does this include bracing Casey
Emily: SAM
Sam: investigation results pending, still not sure if Derek is joking about it
BABE MAGNETS
Derek: where did ralphie learn to read
Sam: the same place you learned to write?
Derek: was that an attempted burn
Sam: you do know he’s been at college the whole time we have
Sam: and for that matter he was at school the whole time we were
Sam: and they were the same schools
Derek: point
Sam: and he really wants to be a counsellor so you’re not exactly being fair.
Sam: anyway
Sam: are you being serious about the glitter bomb
Derek: am i ever serious sammy
Sam: you know i think he might be wrong about the character growth
Derek: HEY
Derek: wait a sec
babe raiders
Derek: still trying to work out if character growth is an insult
Sam: deep thought is evidence to suggest it’s true
Ralph: nah man, I’m proud of you
Sam: aw babes <3
Derek: I hate you both
drum’n’bass
Sam: hey Ralph, thanks for reminding Derek not to be an ass about OCD
Sam: also, ten points for the shade re. his character growth
Ralph: hey bud, how are you doing?
Ralph: yeah I’m not sure he really meant it that way but he is a bit ignorant about these things
Ralph: also he seems to think I don’t understand sarcasm
Sam: yeah good thanks
Sam: HA yeah well Derek thinks he has the monopoly on sarcasm
Sam: so you’re glad to get back to the counselling course then?
Ralph: yeah thanks! I had a great summer, my placement was really rewarding
Sam: im glad you got to see Derek but it was weird to only see you once or twice, not gonna lie
Sam: ah was it the addiction thing?
Ralph: nah that was last spring! I was in a marriage and family counselling practice
Ralph: it was so interesting, so many different perspectives, and people struggling to communicate their feelings, but working through it and growing
Sam: oh cool
Ralph: yeah I think I’ve found my calling. I’m trying to put what I learned into everyday life too
Ralph is typing
the quiet life
Sam: EMILY
Sam: I THINK I CAN SEE THE FUTURE
Emily: 1. do I still need to brace 2. WHAT
Sam: 1. not sure about the bracing, 2., I just have this feeling about what Ralph is going to say next
Sam: for your perusal, a screenshot
Sam: (image)
Emily: WAIT
Emily: is he still typing
Sam: HES STOPPED AND STARTED THREE TIMES
Emily: IS HE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT DEREK AND CASEY
Sam: I CAPSLOCK WONDER????
drum’n’bass
Sam: that’s really inspirational, man
Ralph: yeah I guess I just see all the hurt that people do when they aren’t really comfortable with their feelings and I just want to help them, you know? But it’s hard for me to know when people do and don’t actually want to be helped.
Sam: yeah that’s a tricky one.
Ralph: so first I’m just going to try making Derek feel good about himself because that’s what supportive friends do
Sam: …Ralph you are just so nice
Sam: seriously
Sam: I’m not sure we deserve you
Sam: your future clients are going to be lucky to have you :)
the quiet life
Sam: (image)
Emily: oh man
Emily: he makes me feel so mean
Emily: what a precious cinnamon roll
Sam: I know right
Emily: is it weird if you ask someone out on a date because of something they said in a group chat to your mutual pal
Sam: dunno, is it weird if you ask your platonic best friend of 15+ yrs out on a date because it turns out he’s the nicest guy in town?
Derek changed the group name to: DEREK RULES
Derek: case. got a question
Casey: Hi Derek, I’m well thanks, how are you?
Derek: yeah great. so if someone told me I’d demonstrated character growth is that an insult
Casey: A. Why are you asking me? B. Who claimed you were growing as a person? C. Why are you asking me?
Derek: you’re my litmus test
Derek: your answer will tell me whether it’s an insult or not
Casey: I have a lot of questions about this whole situation.
Derek: just answer mine space case
Casey: It’d be a compliment if it were true.
Derek: have u mastered shade, my young apprentice
Casey: yeah about ten years ago, you just weren’t into subtlety at the time
Casey changed the group name to: tedious inevitability
Derek: im hurt
Derek: u wound me
Casey: stop texting me and talk to the cheerleader who’s been gazing wistfully at you for the last five minutes.
Derek: since when are you in bars on Monday afternoons
Casey: since they’re quieter than the campus café
Derek: wait where are you??? can’t see you anywhere
Casey: I left right after you walked in.
Besties xoxo
Emily: muscles have stupid names
Emily: why did i decide to study physiotherapy
Casey: because you like trolling meatheads with fancy Latin names for stuff?
Emily: that is one of life’s great pleasures
Casey: MEDULLA OBLONGATA
Casey: yes I know that isn’t a muscle
Emily: part of the brain! can’t catch me out like that
Emily: wait why do you know what a medulla oblongata is
Casey: I looked up parts of the brain once to find out which bits Derek doesn’t have.
BABE MAGNETS
Derek: Sam.
Derek. I have a question.
Sam: you okay? what’s up?
the quiet life
Sam: (image)
Sam: this can’t be good
Emily: he never punctuates
Emily: is he ill?
McDonald-Venturis
George: (image)
George: family photo at dinner!
Nora: missing our eldests!
Ed: im not missing you im getting Dereks share of the meatballs
Derek: ok fair
Lizzie: didn’t you cry ‘sensei Derek where are you when I need to plan pranks’ loudly to yourself right before dinner
Casey: looks great mom :)
BABE MAGNETS
Derek: is it weird if I text Emily out of the blue and ask her if Casey hates me
Sam: you text everyone out of the blue
Sam: and why do you need to ask Emily?
Derek: Casey’s left me on read for like three hours
tedious inevitability
Derek is typing
Besties xoxo
Emily: OOH BURN
Emily: what was the conclusion
Casey: oh, Derek has all the parts he needs, he just can’t be bothered to use them… which, now I think about it, is probably worse tbh
Casey: in conclusion, medical science will get nothing from him
Casey: c’est typique
Emily: sounds about right
Emily: Case
Emily: you’d tell me if something were up, wouldn’t you?
Casey: ugh you can tell?
Casey: look you know Derek likes to say shit to people
Casey: I’m just tired of it.
Casey: I don’t want to talk about it right now, I’m tired of everything being Derek Derek Derek.
Emily: sure hon. Our lives don’t revolve around him
EMILY: MEDULLA OBLONGATA
Casey: <3
the quiet life
Sam: is it weird if Derek texts you out of the blue to ask if Casey hates him?
Emily: I mean it would indicate his continuing failure to understand that the universe doesn’t revolve around him
Sam: b u r n
Emily: but no it’d be pretty normal
Sam: a longtail burn, I like it
Sam: I’ll tell him to get an ice pack
BABE MAGNETS
Derek: what do you mean, why do I need to ask emily
Sam: I mean I’m right here
Derek: ???
Sam: yes, Derek, she hates you
unweird exes chat
Emily: hey D
Derek: hey
Emily: how are you doing?
Derek: funny you should ask
Derek: have you been talking to Sam?
Emily: duh
Derek: so does she
Emily: DUH
Besties xoxo
Emily: can I swear you to secrecy on something
Casey: is it to do with a boy? because I will be a supportive friend but I am done with boys
Emily: Sam just asked me if it’s weird that Derek wants to know if you hate him
Emily: so I texted Derek and he asked if you hate him
Casey: …pretty sure Derek is actually on a date right now so it’s even weirder than it would be otherwise
Emily: wait what?
Casey: oh I saw him with some girl except he spent the entire time on his phone or badmouthing people. I felt so bad for her
Casey: you told him yes right?
Emily: well I heavily implied it anyway
Casey: good
Casey: he’s merely further evidence of why everyone should be d o n e with boys
BABE MAGNETS
Derek: what?
Derek: like. seriously?
Derek: emily sounded like she was joking
Sam: Derek
Sam: you left a glitter bomb in her car last week and now apparently you’ve hidden another one somewhere
Sam: she’s doing a placement at a family law firm where they take dress codes seriously
Sam: this is not even the least mature or annoying of the pranks you’ve inflicted on her in the last year
Sam: draw your own conclusions
babe raiders
Derek: k gonna ask another question
Derek: why do u consider character growth to be a good thing?
Sam: why would it be a BAD thing?
Ralph is typing
don’t tell Derek
Casey: hey Sam
Casey: how are you doing?
Sam: yeah ok thanks, you?
Casey: I mean, I’ve been better
Sam: Derek?
Casey: college, mostly. but, since you brought him up
Casey: maybe this sounds weird but could you just… not talk about me to him? I’m tired of my life being about Derek and his stupid shit.
Casey: in fact
Casey renamed this group chat to: Sam and Casey chat :)
Sam: serious question – are you okay?
Casey: I don’t really want to talk about it but thanks for asking :)
the quiet life
Sam: I’m worried about Casey
Sam: and actually I think I might also be worried about Derek
Sam: I told him Casey hates him and he hasn’t said anything in a chat for like an hour except to ask about why character growth was a good thing
Emily: Casey said he was on a date?
Sam: how does she know that?
Emily: oh she saw him or something?
Sam: what today?
Sam: he’s been texting like all day?
Emily: who knows? this is Derek
Emily: anyway why are you worried about Casey
Emily: she just said she was tired of Derek’s shit and didn’t want to talk about it, she sounded okay?
Sam: (image)
Sam: well this is what she said to me
Sam: I just get this feeling that anything Casey doesn’t want to talk about is bad.
Emily: …wait Casey said he was badmouthing people
Emily: (image)
Emily: she also said this
Sam: shit. do you think he was talking about her
Sam: on his date?
Emily: yeah. yes i do.
Sam: what did he say???
Emily: shit
Sam: not sure if that’s a description of what he said or a comment on the situation?
Emily: both
babe raiders
Ralph: if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my course it’s that adulthood is daunting
Ralph: there are lots of challenges in life, but growth means that we don’t have to face the same problems over and over while always finding the same unhelpful answers
Ralph: so we can find new ways to approach situations and move on to better things. but a lot of growth comes from difficulty, and it isn’t always recognised as being valuable because it came out of pain, so I think it’s important to acknowledge when people move beyond their own limitations and learn ways of being their best selves.
Ralph: sorry, wall of text. I feel quite strongly about it if you can’t tell haha.
Sam: don’t apologise, bud
Sam: that is a wall of text on which I could build a kingdom
Ralph: thanks man.
Derek: well shit