Chapter Text
Nayeon was miserable.
In the mirror she watched as Sana slid on a lacey burgundy thong and she was miserable. Sana had shown up at her door in the early evening, right as she was getting home from work. Somehow Sana always showed up at exactly the right time.
It went like it usually did, a bit of conversation as foreplay, Sana inching ever closer until the talking stopped and the clothes started to be discarded on the way to the bed (or the couch, or the kitchen counter, or the floor).
“How was work,” Sana asked, breaking away from their kiss and looking down at Nayeon with bright eyes.
“I-- it was good,” Nayeon answered, confused and a bit lightheaded, before leaning back in for more.
But Sana broke away again.
“Did you get your students’ test scores back yet?”
“Sana,” Nayeon bit her lip, not knowing how to best ask this question. “Don’t you want to have sex?”
“Yes,” Sana frowned, conflicted feelings painting her face. “But I really want to talk to you before I have to leave.”
“If you just wanted to talk, then why are we naked?” Nayeon asked, already starting to settle around Sana on the bed.
“I kind of… changed my mind halfway through,” Sana said. Nayeon could have taken that the wrong way, but she knew Sana didn’t mean that she’d lost interest. “And besides, I like you better when you’re naked.”
“Hm,” Nayeon frowned as Sana nosed into her neck.
“So,” Sana lowered her head as she spoke, placing a soft kiss to the side of Nayeon’s chest. “Tell me.”
“They all passed,” Nayeon answered, a bit of sleepiness hitting her and graveling her voice. “I’m really proud of them.”
“And Jongin?”
“His reading comprehension is caught up to his grade level,” Nayeon could feel Sana’s smile against her, and knew she would appreciate a brag. “Sooyoung’s reading at grade six level now.”
“That’s amazing,” Sana said, lifting her head to smile at Nayeon before insisting on a kiss. “I’m proud of you.”
Nayeon blushed, answering Sana’s earnestness with a playful bite to her shoulder.
“Ow!” Sana flicked Nayeon’s nose in retaliation. “Don’t you want to hear about my day?”
“Obviously,” Nayeon answered, squeezing her a little tighter.
“Well, I slept in and had a smoothie for breakfast,” Sana paused every couple of words to place soft kisses anywhere on Nayeon that she could reach. “I went to pilates. And then… I kept thinking about you.”
“You thought about me?” Nayeon teased.
Sana refused to play, instead answering completely seriously, “Yes. I find myself thinking about you all the time lately.”
Nayeon could have followed Sana’s lead and layered her words with meaning just under the surface, but Sana’s impending departure stopped her.
“I completely forget you exist when you’re not around.”
Sana wiggled far enough away from Nayeon to give her a sharp shove to the shoulder, frowning, but then burrowed back into her arms. Nayeon hoped Sana didn’t know how far from the truth her teasing was.
And now Nayeon was miserable. Because Sana had to leave, so she was putting on her burgundy lingerie, over which she wore only a tracksuit (she would change into her work outfit at the club).
Sana’s job didn’t really bother Nayeon. She’d first met her there, after all, so she’d entered into whatever it was she and Sana had with both eyes open. It wasn’t that.
Really, the sinking feeling in Nayeon’s stomach was Sana’s fault.
“You never come in anymore!” Sana had said, faking a pout, which quickly turned into a suggestive smile. “I guess it’s because you got to take home what you wanted.”
A blushing Nayeon couldn’t even muster a frown.
“Wouldn’t it be weird if I kept coming? Watching you… dance, when I actually know you now?”
“I guess so. But it was more fun when I had you there to dance for.”
Nayeon had flushed again, and resolved to herself to come back to see Sana, at least once, and surprise her.
Sana’s face shifted quickly from startled, to happy, to nervous when she saw Nayeon walk in, before finally landing on somewhat agitated. She came up and steered Nayeon toward the bar.
“What are you doing he--”
“Sana?”
The voice was soft, but authoritative. It came from a woman who could have been anywhere from eighteen to thirty-five, as far as Nayeon could tell. She was beautiful, and her clothes and posture screamed affluence. The look she gave Sana, an eyebrow raised and lips pursed, was steeped in possessiveness, with a bit of condescension thrown in for good measure.
“Who’s this?”
“She’s a regular,” Sana said, smiling at the woman. “I was just welcoming her.”
The woman gave a satisfied smile.
“Good girl. As always,” she said. Nayeon detected a hint of double entendre, but tried to push it out of her mind. “Come see me in the back room in five minutes.”
The woman hadn’t spared Nayeon a second glance.
“You should probably go,” Sana said, already turning Nayeon to face the door. “I’ll see you later, okay?”
Nayeon nodded, too confused and blindsided to protest or ask any other questions.
She did leave the club, but she didn’t go home. She stayed in her car in the parking lot, head snapping up when she saw anyone that looked remotely like Sana leaving the club. Finally, when the club was closing and Nayeon was nearly falling asleep on her steering wheel, Sana left the building. She was accompanied by the woman from earlier, who led her to a car Nayeon had seen pull up a few minutes before. They both climbed into the backseat and the driver pulled away a few moments later.
She had still never asked Sana about it.
As if she could sense Nayeon fretting, Sana approached her where she lay on her stomach on the bed, lifting her chin so their eyes met. An upward nod of her head told Nayeon to sit up, and once she did, Sana climbed into her lap. Nayeon was even more surprised when Sana started to kiss her, tongue immediately running along her lips, licking up her top lip. She broke away, eyes glistening as she shoved Nayeon roughly onto her back.
Nayeon moaned as Sana leaned over her, kissing her again and grinding down onto her. But then she sat up, rolled off of Nayeon, and got off the bed, returning to her earlier task of getting her things together and leaving.
“What was that?” Nayeon groaned, now irritatingly turned on.
“I didn’t want you to forget I exist,” Sana said, giggling as she turned to go.
It was Friday, so after Sana left Nayeon had the whole evening to herself to catch up on television or watch a movie. But no matter what she tried to distract herself with, she could only think about Sana. It had become a habit; reasoning with herself, going back and forth about who the woman could be and what she meant to the girl that she was casually hooking up with but maybe was completely in love with.
At least during the week, she could distract herself with grading papers or going over her lesson plan. On the weekend, she tended to run out of work to do, and none of her dramas seemed to be scintillating enough these days to keep her mind from drifting.
Finally, Nayeon decided to try one last thing: a glass of wine. Maybe a simple glass of wine would help her to loosen up a little and stop brooding. Well, maybe two. Let’s try three, she thought, pouring a generous amount into her glass and settling back onto the couch. But still, the girl on the television reminded her of Sana. Not nearly as pretty of course, but she had long hair like Sana and brown eyes like Sana…
Nayeon found herself looking at pictures of the real thing, and playing some admittedly sappy, sad, resigned love songs as she did so. She may have cried a little bit. Or a lot.
As she started on her fourth glass of wine, she turned on an old, comforting romantic movie. Though she hadn’t solved anything, she felt calm and a bit satisfied, as one often does after a good cry. The black and white scenes of the film lit the room as Nayeon found herself drifting off to sleep on the couch.
A warm, soft pressure on her lips startled Nayeon awake.
“I’m sorry!” Sana said, immediately pulling back. “I thought it might be… a nice way to wake up.”
“It… was,” Nayeon said, finally catching her breath.
Sana smiled then, before kissing her properly.
“Do you wanna take a bath with me?”
Nayeon nodded, stretching a bit before getting up and heading toward her bathroom.
For obvious reasons, Sana wasn’t at all shy about shedding her clothes in front of Nayeon, but Nayeon still blushed a bit, both at seeing Sana and at herself. She saw Sana waiting idly by the bathtub as the hot water filled it and dutifully got in first, taking her place so that Sana could lean back against her.
Sana got in next, facing her first and kissing her languidly before turning around. She started to chatter about work, clients, coworkers, everything. Nayeon just listened, enjoying the sound of her voice and pouring a generous amount of body wash into her hand. She worked up a lather before starting to bathe Sana.
But a small, familiar ache had once again formed in Nayeon’s stomach. She wanted to ignore it, but it persisted, souring the comfort that she normally felt with Sana. She didn’t know what to do about it, but she knew she had to say something. She had to know.
“Sana,” Nayeon hated that her voice sounded like a whine. “Who was that woman?”
Sana said nothing for a moment, instead grasping Nayeon’s hand and guiding it to continue softly rubbing at the skin on her stomach with a loofa.
“She owns the club.”
Oh.
For the first time, Nayeon felt self-conscious about her small, dingy apartment, her car that was over a decade old, all the things she had that were second-hand or well past their prime.
Sana had let go of her hand, but Nayeon continued, now rubbing at the side of her hip.
“Are you… together?”
This time Sana remained silent, but intertwined her fingers with Nayeon’s and gave a soft, plaintive squeeze.
Inside her own head, Nayeon was practically screaming at herself. Everything was fine, she told herself, and now you’re ruining it by asking questions that you don’t want to know the answer to. You’re doing this to yourself. You’re making your own stomach hurt, you are the one making yourself spin out with anxiety. Stop. Stop. Stop stop stop stop--
“Do you love her?”
Sana let out a heavy sigh and leaned back against Nayeon.
“She… takes care of me.”
Nayeon wished she could go back and start over. Play everything cool. Be okay with this, be casual, or at least pretend. But she couldn’t, and now, sitting with her bare front pressed to Sana’s back and feeling simultaneously like she was being ripped in half and like Sana was a lone post that she remained tethered to in a vicious and angry storm, it was too intimate to start pretending.
“I would take care of you.”
Sana started to turn around, slowly, careful not to accidentally squish any part of Nayeon. She rearranged herself between Nayeon’s legs, leaning on her somewhat, and took her cheeks in her hands. A soft kiss pressed against Nayeon’s lips said everything.
I know. But that’s not what I mean.
And then it occurred to Nayeon. All the expensive perfumed lotions Sana had bought her. The fact that Sana always showed up with dinner. The clothes she’d bought for Nayeon just because she “wanted to see her in them.”
Sana was taking care of her. Nayeon wondered at how she could feel so utterly broken-hearted and so tender toward the one doing the breaking.
“Is it like this with her?” Nayeon questioned softly as Sana pulled away. Hurt flashed on Sana’s face, and Nayeon felt guilty for a moment. But only for a moment.
“It’s only like this with you, Nayeon,” Sana said, absolute honesty radiating from both her tone and the determined look she fixed Nayeon with.
Nayeon kissed her back, eagerly, hungrily, maybe desperately.
“Let’s go to bed,” Sana said, moving to get out of the water.
Nayeon followed. They dried off with the same towel before Sana led the way back into Nayeon’s bedroom. She laid down, facing Nayeon, propped up on her elbows, giving Nayeon that look.
Nayeon wondered how long this would be enough. How long she could take this, handle this. Share. And looking down at Sana, she had a thought that was equally terrifying, comforting, and a bit sad at the same time: maybe forever.