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Chwe Hansol Vernon steps into room 203 for the first time on April 5th, 2006.
Seungkwan’s eyes light up when he sees the new boy walk in, kinda because he likes new people, but mostly because Chwe Hansol Vernon, or “Just Vernon,” as he introduced himself, has a Sailor Moon backpack, and Seungkwan thought he was the only boy in the whole school who liked Sailor Moon that much.
He decides right then, before the teacher can even assign Vernon a seat, that they are destined to be best friends.
Later, on the playground, he tells him.
“I’m Boo Seungkwan,” he says, sticking a hand out to Vernon, who is sitting on the swings, but he isn’t swinging. Seungkwan thinks it’s a little weird, but Vernon is his best friend, so he lets it slide.
Vernon gives him a strange look, as if he's never had someone approach him so upfront before, but he sticks his hand out anyways, shaking Seungkwan’s softly.
“Where’d ya move from, Chwe Hansol Vernon?” Seungkwan asks, plopping down right in front of his dangling feet.
“It’s just Vernon,” he frowns a bit, looking nervous, “I’m from New York.”
Seungkwan’s eyes widen and his mouth flies open, “like, America ? That’s so cool!,” he exclaims, leaning forward to examine the other boy closely, “what is it like? did you know a lot of famous people? You know, I wanna be a singer when I grow up, maybe you can help me out!”
Vernon’s nose scrunches up, but his smile is faint and his eyes are amused, “I never met a famous person, but I can still try to help you, I guess.”
Seungkwan decides in that moment that Vernon is maybe the coolest and nicest boy he’s ever met, and he’s glad they’re going to be best friends forever. Seungkwan has had a lot of best friends, but something tells him that Vernon is different, he just knows it.
“We’re just two peas in a pod,” Seungkwan giggles, “do you wanna go inside early? I can show you all the best books in the class library, but I still get first dibs, okay?”
As they walk back to the classroom, Vernon stops in his tracks and falls to the ground, his hands sifting through the browning grass. Seungkwan stops too, and stares at him.
When Vernon looks up, he’s wearing that same, utterly confused expression again, his eyebrows furrowing and something twinkling in his eyes.
“What?” Seungkwan cocks his head, “what are you doing?”
“Just saw a rock,” Vernon shrugs, holding a tiny blue stone, “I collect them, but I have to start over my collection ‘cause Mom wouldn’t let me bring all my old ones. Only my favorites. Why’d you stop?”
“I was waiting for you, silly,” Seungkwan giggles.
Vernon’s eyes widen, and he stares at Seungkwan as if he’s just suggested the craziest idea ever heard, “no one has ever waited for me before. I usually have to jog to catch up.”
Seungkwan smiles, easy and warm, “we’re best friends, I’ll always wait for you.”
“Paint me in trust, I’ll be your best friend.”
The summer heat is only magnified as it shines through Vernon’s window, Seungkwan groans when he walks into the messy room. Of course, Vernon wouldn’t call it messy, he calls it “strategically chaotic,” Seungkwan thinks it’s a load of shit, but he doesn’t nag him anymore anyways.
“Why are your curtains open,” Seungkwan whines, shielding his face from the bright light, “it is way too hot for this.”
Vernon’s head turns quickly, frowning back at Seungkwan, “not even a hello? or a ‘oh Vernon, I missed you so much, you are my best friend?’ I’ve been gone for weeks, Kwan, and the first thing you do is complain about my window being open?”
Seungkwan just smiles, bounding over to tackle his best friend in a hug, because of course he missed him, maybe more than he should have, but he’ll never let Vernon know that.
“We wouldn’t be us if I said that,” Seungkwan hums, squeezing Vernon tighter as he tries to push away, “I guess I missed you though. Bring back any new friends?”
Vernon’s eyes light up and he nods quickly, finally pushing Seungkwan off of him and onto a pile of maybe dirty, maybe clean clothes on his floor. Seungkwan just leans back into them, usually the filth disgusts him, today it just feels like coming home.
“I got this one at Disney World, well, outside of Disney World,” he explains, pointing at a plain grey stone, “I know it looks boring at first, but watch.”
Seungkwan gets up to stand on his tip toes and peer over Vernon’s shoulder, something he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do for much longer, considering how tall his best friend is growing by the day.
He stares down at Vernon’s hand, squinting his eyes as he watches the other boy turn over the stone carefully, making sure the light reflects off it just right.
“Oooh!” Seungkwan exclaims, his arms trying their best to wrap around Vernon’s broad shoulder and grab the iridescent stone, “I want to try!”
Vernon just snorts out a laugh, shrugging Seungkwan off of him before he gently places the rock in his hand. To anyone else, it might be just a rock, hell, to Seungkwan it would be just a rock if he had never known Vernon.
But Vernon has a talent of making the most mundane things beautiful. He has a unique way of wrapping his mind around anything and everything, and finding what makes it special. The quietest voice in Seungkwan’s brain sometimes thinks he did that with him, found a boy who was always too loud and too eager and instead saw the things others didn’t see, and taught the world how to love him. He knows it’s silly to think that way, so he brushes off those thoughts with a blush, but they linger anyways.
“This one is my favorite,” Seungkwan whispers, turning the stone back and forth in his hands, watching the way the light changes it.
Vernon just shakes his head and smiles, wide and gummy, “you say that about all of them.”
Seungkwan narrows his eyes, challenging him with a gentle smile, “I mean it this time, this one is my favorite.”
Vernon just nods, his expression fond. When he takes the stone from Seungkwan’s hand to place it back on his windowsill, he lingers for just a second to brush against his pulse point. His eyes are soft and warm when he looks at Seungkwan, and the way the light wraps around him like a blanket looks like a halo. Seungkwan knows this look, Vernon doesn’t have to say a word and he knows what he’s trying to tell him.
“I’ve missed you.”
The remaining days of summer break trickle on at snail speed, and Seungkwan is anxious for something, but he doesn’t know what. Or maybe he does, and he doesn’t want to face any of it, but that is neither here nor there.
He and Vernon are inseparable, as they always are when they can be. They take turns staying at each other’s house, spend the days with the rest of their friends beneath the willow trees at their favorite park, and run errands for Seungkwan’s mom.
Vernon sits on the handlebars of Seungkwan’s bike, because that’s how it’s always been, but he seems to have had a growth spurt because Seungkwan can no longer see over his broad shoulders, instead he watches the way tan skin stretches beneath tie-dyed tank tops and Vernon tries his best to give him directions.
They crash and burn, of course.
Seungkwan knows, idly, that this is the last time things will ever be like this. His last summer at home, God willing, his last summer with Vernon, God damned. He knows that they will never be able to hop on his bright orange beach cruiser ever again, knows they won’t make late night trips to the convenience store for sweets, sweat still dampening their backs as the summer heat leaks on throughout the night. He knows things will never be the same.
He tries to forget.
And he does, he forgets when Vernon is pressed against his side, scrolling through his Instagram feed and showing Seungkwan pictures of cute cats, or when they all lay beneath the willow trees, and Mingyu says something so ridiculous they all break down in giggles that make them feel like school children. He forgets when he gets loss in Vernon’s smile, nostalgia warming him up from the inside out, kissing his already sun-flushed skin.
Seungkwan forgets for long enough to enjoy the rest of his last summer.
It’s the last day of break when Seungkwan can’t push down the feelings down anymore, so, naturally, he cries on Vernon’s bedroom floor.
“You know,” Vernon clicks his tongue, interrupting Seungkwan from his sulking, “you’re a bit pessimistic, we won’t be leaving here the day after we graduate, we’ll still have next summer.”
“It won’t be the same,” Seungkwan sighs, loudly, angrily, maybe more dramatic than people might think necessary, but it feels fitting to him, “we’ll be getting ready to leave. You’re probably going to fuck-off to America or something, or worse! Australia, Wales, who knows?”
Vernon just smiles, easy as ever, “how about this, what if we promise that next summer, no matter what, things will be just like this. What if we promise each other one last summer?”
Seungkwan glances over at him sideways, frown still unmoving on his face.
“We can’t just promise, promises can be broken.”
“Pinky promise then?”
Seungkwan huffs and pouts, but his mouth twitches into a smile as Vernon sticks his pinky out, eyes big and shining.
“Fine,” he relents, taking Vernon’s pinky with his own, and it feels like he’s grasping on to a lifeline, “pinky promise that next summer, things will be just the same as they’ve always been, just once more.”
Vernon locks eyes with Seungkwan and squeezes his pinky with his own, “promise.”
“Lean for me, and I’ll fall back.”
Summer fades into fall and school isn’t anything remarkable, Seungkwan somehow survives the CSATs and does well enough to have a decent amount of choices in universities. Vernon applies to universities in America, just as Seungkwan expected him to do.
Seungkwan pretends it isn’t killing him.
Winter feels like bliss, and Seungkwan feels whole again when the first truly cold air of the season hits his skin. He feels like he’s been renewed again, closes his eyes when he steps outside and the fresh air skims his already flushing cheeks.
Vernon is already waiting for him at the edge of his property, tattered backpack swung around to his front, making him look like a kangaroo or a very pregnant woman. He digs through it with his brows furrowed, searching for something through the undoubtedly neverending mess of old papers.
“Whatcha’ lookin’ for?” Seungkwan asks, testing out some of the English words Vernon has taught him.
Vernon looks up quickly, his face flashing with a proud smile so Seungkwan knows he used the words correctly.
“I have something for you,” Vernon answers, face buried back into the contents of his backpack, “if I could just find -- oh, here!”
He pulls out a tiny, purple, velvet bag, and dangles it in front of Seungkwan’s face.
“Is that a bag of drugs?”
“Why would I buy you drugs,” Vernon shakes his head, “where would I even get drugs? No, just open it.”
Seungkwan pulls on the golden drawstrings until the bag opens, dumping its contents into his palm. He stares at the crystal sitting in his hand, eyes filled with wonder as he loses the ability to speak.
“It’s citrine,” Vernon explains, nervousness edging on his voice, “I think you’ll really like it. Crystals are supposed to have healing powers and stuff, y’know? I read up on this one and I think it’s a good fit but if you want to do some of your own research-”
“I love it,” Seungkwan stops him, bringing the crystal closer to his face to examine the specks shining from within, “it looks too expensive,” he frowns, looking up at Vernon’s flushed face for the first time since he received the gift, “I told you not to spend so much money on me.”
“It wasn’t,” Vernon snorts, “I promise. Anyways, it’s almost your birthday, and I am not going to fuel your addiction to houseplants you can’t even keep alive any longer. Consider this your birthday present.”
“I can too keep houseplants alive,” Seungkwan sniffs, “but thank you, really. This is perfect, it’s so pretty, I never want to stop looking at it.”
Vernon opens his mouth as if he’s about to say something, but stops, blush rising to his cheeks.
“Just, always keep it on you, okay?” he says instead, rubbing the back of his neck, “I don’t know if I believe in the whole healing thing, but just incase.”
“I do,” Seungkwan nods, “I mean, why not? We’ve all got to believe in something, right? Why not believe in a little bit of everything?”
When Seungkwan gets home from school that evening, hand stuffed in the pocket of his dark blue coat, still gripping onto the stone he never wants to let go of, his father is waiting for him on the living room couch.
The words fly in and out of his ear, and his thumb strokes the smooth surface of the citrine still sitting amongst the fuzz in his coat pocket. In that moment, he thinks it might be the only thing grounding him.
He bites back tears and swallows down sobs, nods in understanding as his father tells him he lost his job, things are going to be a little different, a little harder, Seungkwan might have to wait to go away for school, Seungkwan might have to get a job to help out the family, they are strong, they will make it through this, he’s already looking for another job, it’s going to be okay.
It’s the first day of true cold, and Seungkwan doesn’t feel renewed.
“We can figure something out,” Vernon says, his words slow and careful, like he’s picked them all from trees blooming with all the wrong words, because none of them are right right now.
Seungkwan nearly laughs, wipes away his tears fiercely and shakes his head, “there’s nothing to figure out. I’m stuck here -- at least for another year. Everyone is going to get to move out and on with their lives and I’ll be here. Working at the corner store, probably. If I can even get a job.”
Vernon just frowns, and Seungkwan is glad he knows him well enough to know that sometimes he just needs silence.
They sit side by side beneath the willow trees at their favorite park, frost is still stuck to the grass blades in the crisp morning air. Seungkwan’s eyes are swollen from crying all night, and he isn’t sure why he asked Vernon to meet him before he was ready. He’d usually wait until he had a better grasp on the conflict, but all he wanted that morning was to see Vernon, to not feel alone anymore.
So they sit there, and Seungkwan lets the last of his sobs shake his body, and Vernon keeps a strong arm around his shoulders, and it isn’t a quick fix, Seungkwan doesn’t feel like everything is going to be okay, but he thinks he might be anyways.
“I want the secrets your secrets haven’t found.”
Seungkwan realizes he’s in love three weeks, four days, and 13 hours after he cries to Vernon beneath the willow trees.
Or maybe he’s known it all along, he suspects he has, but life becomes too much for him to build up walls and compartmentalize every feeling he feels. So it surfaces, loud and warm and so anxiety inducing it makes his head spin.
He realizes on a chilly evening during the Winter carnival in the park. Vernon is bundled up in his favorite worn, faux leather jacket and green scarf. His hair is longer, because he thinks it’s silly to cut off the bodies natural response to cold, and it falls in pretty waves around his face.
Pretty, not a word Seungkwan would usually use to describe his best friend, and maybe that’s his first hint.
It hits him like a truck when they’re on the carousel together. Vernon surveys each animal carefully, wanting to pick one he’s never rode before. Seungkwan chooses the same white rabbit he always does, because that’s just how he is.
He watches Vernon tilt his head back and hum along to the tune of the bright music playing from the carousel speakers. He’s riding a brown bear this time, which he affectionately compares to Seungkwan in his dark brown, fuzzy, coat.
He looks at Vernon for what feels like the first time, but is undoubtedly the millionth.
When he looks at Vernon he sees a catalog of memories in a well kept photo album, one that’s only shared between the two of them. Images worn around the edges but always vibrant, because everything with him is vibrant. There’s no where in the world he can look without Vernon being there. He is in the bright orange flowers blooming out of concrete, the break in the clouds when the sun finally starts to shine after a heavy rain, before Vernon, well, there isn’t much to say about before Vernon. They’ve been together so long, he doesn’t remember how he saw the world before Vernon.
Seungkwan is scared when he realizes this. He’s scared to see the world without him by his side. He’s even more scared that he’s scared.
The carousel comes to a halt, Seungkwan feels like he’s still spinning.
Vernon is none-the-wiser.
“What if I-” Seungkwan stops, pursing his lips together.
He surveys Vernon’s face, searches his eyes for answers he know he won’t get unless he asks. Vernon is not an open book, and even though Seungkwan is the best at reading him, he still leaves him wondering sometimes. He can never really tell what Vernon is thinking, and maybe that annoys him, but mostly thats what makes him love him.
Vernon takes another drink of the cheap vodka they got from Soonyoung’s older sister and grimaces, “what if you?”
Seungkwan blows out a hot breath and leans his chin to rest on his knees, arms wrapping around his legs.
He doesn’t think Vernon is homophobic, actually he knows he isn’t. Seungkwan has never surrounded himself with people like that, and he sure as hell wouldn’t be best friends with someone without knowing where they stood.
Maybe it makes sense that he cares so much in hindsight, but that isn’t what’s important in the moment.
He’s only realized he’s in love with Vernon a few hours ago, and it already feels like his brain has awakened completely for the first time in his whole life. Things just make sense now, even if he’s scared out of his mind, at least he knows what he’s scared of.
Vernon just watches him intently, cheeks flushed from alcohol and the cold.
Seungkwan motions for him to hand over the bottle of vodka, and he takes a swift drink from it.
“What if I was gay,” he says, and it’s not a question as much as it’s a statement.
Vernon’s eyes widen for a second, and then he’s grinning again, quiet giggles escaping from his smile.
“What’s so funny? Why are you laughing?”
“Are you trying to come out to me?” Vernon raises an eyebrow, “Kwannie, you didn’t have to tell me. I feel like coming out is such a tired ritual now, why should you have to tell me you’re gay? I didn’t tell you.”
Seungkwan gapes at his best friend, and he can nearly feel the synapses going off in his brain.
“You?”
Vernon just shrugs and takes another drink of the vodka, shaking his head with a grimace as it surely burns his throat, “well, I guess you would say bi. I’m not really big on labels though, but yeah. I thought you kinda knew?”
“How could I have known?” Seungkwan pouts crossing his arms, “I’m not bi, by the way. And I quite like labels, I think.”
“That’s cool too,” Vernon shrugs, “and I just figured because, well, I don’t know,” his face heats up bright red, “I just assumed you could tell.”
Seungkwan blinks at him, and he nearly points out that Vernon is almost never flustered, almost presses further and asks why he’s reacting like this.
He doesn’t, instead he wraps the boy in a body crushing hug.
“I’m so glad you’re gay,” Seungkwan sighs, “I didn’t want to do this alone.”
Vernon pats his back and whispers into his neck, “you wouldn’t have had to anyways.”
“I want to give you your grin, so tell me you can’t bear a room that I’m not in.”
Winter melts away into Spring, and Seungkwan is already itching out of his skin.
Between school and his part time job at the corner store (he did find a job, afterall), there’s hardly even time for him to worry about being in love with his best friend.
Except when there is time, like when they’re laying on his bedroom floor, and Vernon is pointing out the constellations painted on his ceiling, and Seungkwan is listening intently, even though he’s heard the same spiel a million times before.
He wants to link their hands together, wants to press kisses to the wrinkles at the corners of Vernon’s eyes when he smiles, he wants to tell him he loves him, and not just in a best friend way. He wants and he wants, but he doesn’t do anything to get it.
“Vernon,” he interrupts him just as he’s explaining Capricornus -- his favorite constellation, as he loves to remind Seungkwan, “do you think we can still make our last summer happen?”
“Well we have to, don’t we?” Vernon asks, as if it’s that simple, “we pinky promised. So yes, of course we can. It might not be easy, but we’ll figure it out.”
He almost blurts it out right then, “I love you,” he wants to say, with everything in him he does. But he doesn’t.
He lets Vernon continue rambling on about capricornus, and how brave it makes him feel.
Seungkwan knows Vernon is moving, he still doesn’t want to believe it. Not even as Vernon sits on the counter of the convenience store, flicking through endless pages of paperwork he has to fill out to go to school abroad.
“Where are you going again?” Seungkwan asks, busying himself with sweeping the already immaculately clean floors of the shop.
Vernon doesn’t look up from his laptop, just shakes his head and smiles, “I’ve told you a million times, Kwan, I’m going back to New York. NYU.”
Seungkwan nods, “oh yeah, sorry. Forgot.”
Vernon looks up now, his brows furrowed and his expression unreadable, “are you like, mad at me?”
Seungkwan chokes out a laugh, “no, why would I be mad? I told you, I just forgot. Sorry.”
“I just think it’s kinda unfair,” Vernon mumbles, focusing his eyes back on the screen.
Seungkwan stops sweeping and stares at his best friend.
“Unfair?”
Vernon shrugs, closing the doors to his own shop that was only open for but a minute.
“Nice,” Seungkwan laughs, “so you’re just going to say that and not even explain yourself? Typical.”
“I just think-” Vernon sighs, finally shutting his laptop, “I just think it’s not fair that I don’t get to be excited about this. It’s like, every time I bring up going away for school, you become stone cold. Are you even happy for me?”
Seungkwan wants to throw his broom at Vernon’s head, but he keeps his composure, “unfair? Really? You know what’s unfair? I have to stay in this shithole for at least another year, probably longer, and I worked my ass off in school. Everything just comes so easy to you, it always works out in your favor. When is it my turn? That’s unfair.”
“No, it’s selfish, and fucked up, honestly,” Vernon shakes his head, “you don’t think I worked for this? You know how much I hate school, you were there all those times I cried over not understanding shit, and now you’re telling me everything comes easy to me? All I’m asking is for you to be a little less up your own ass and be a little excited for me. What happened to you fucking sucks, you don’t think I know that? You don’t think I’m hurting too? All I’ve wanted is the best for you, Seungkwan, can you say the same for me?”
“Vernon,” Seungkwan reaches for his wrist, tries to pull him in.
“I’m going home,” he whispers, leaving the shop without another word.
It’s been three days since Seungkwan has heard from Vernon, and he feels like he’s walking through fog. He misses him, even when he’s sitting right next to him in math, chewing at the ends of his pen. He wishes he could reach over and swat it out of his mouth, like he always does, but he just keeps his eyes glued to the board instead. Vernon does too.
“Dude, you guys have got to kiss and make up,” Jihoon sighs, picking at the grass beneath them.
“Jihoon,” Jeonghan warns with a stern frown, he turns to Seungkwan with kinder, more gentle and understanding eyes, “what was the fight even about?”
“I’m an idiot,” Seungkwan sniffs, he isn’t sure how much he’s cried over the last few days, but he’s sure he’s set a new record for himself, “I can’t even be happy for him. He’s going to this big, fancy, American college and I can’t even be happy for him. I am selfish, he’s right.”
Jihoon clicks his tongue, “we’re all selfish, even if we don’t mean to be. It’s selfish of him to expect you to get over your own shit and be happy for him, it’s selfish of you to not push past your own shit and try to be happy for him. It’s selfish of me to steal 10,000 won from Hannie, but I do it anyways.”
“Hey,” Jeonghan whines, “Jihoon may be an absolute brat, but he has a point. You’re both idiots, and you need to apologize to each other.”
“Like I said, kiss and make up,” Jihoon grunts.
Seungkwan blushes at the mere thought of kissing Vernon, and by the way Jeonghan’s eyes widen, he can tell he’s been caught.
“Stop,” he groans, before Jeonghan can even open his mouth.
“Oh my God,” he whispers, covering his mouth, “oh my God. ”
“What, what am I missing here?” Jihoon asks, brows furrowed.
“Seungkwan is in love with him. Oh my God, you poor baby! No wonder you’re all sorts of fucked up over this.”
“I’m not in love with him,” Seungkwan bites his lip, “I just like him, a lot.”
“So tell him,” Jihoon says.
“And ruin our friendship further? Yeah, no thanks. I don’t even know if he’s going to forgive me for the stupid shit I said the other day,” Seungkwan flops back into the grass, closing his eyes to stop the next set of tears from rolling out of them.
“Has it ever occurred to you,” Jeonghan says carefully, “that Vernon is literally in love with you too, and has been dropping hints for months, hell, maybe even years, and you are so oblivious it’s painful.”
Seungkwan opens one puffy eye to look at Jeonghan and search his face for any hints of a malicious joke.
When he sees that Jeonghan is obviously not joking, he bolts up.
“What?”
“Oh, you seriously didn’t know,” Jihoon laughs, sounding surprised, “I just figured you were straight and avoiding it or something, but it turns out you’re just a buffoon.”
“Be nice,” Jeonghan warns, “Seungkwan, you really didn’t have any idea?”
“What?” Seungkwan repeats, “I’m not understanding.”
“Vernon is in love with you, idiot,” Jihoon explains with a vague gesture, “he has been, for a really long time. I really can’t believe you didn’t realize-”
“Okay, I’m an idiot, I get it,” Seungkwan sighs, annoyed, “but are you guys sure?”
“Seungkwan, he buys you random gifts just because they ‘remind him of you’, he’s an introvert but constantly wants to be around you, he looks at you like you walk on water, his favorite constellation is fucking capricornus, hasn’t that ever made you suspicious?”
“I just thought he liked the shape of capricornus,” Seungkwan whispers, twiddling his thumbs.
Jihoon opens his mouth to speak again, but Jeonghan quickly covers it with a hand, “Seungkwan, Vernon has loved you for longer than I’ve loved Jiho-- hey, no biting! Anyways,” he smiles softly, “he loves you, and you love him, and you’re both idiots, so it works out.”
“So you’re allowed to call them idiots, but I’m not?” Jihoon asks, voice muffled by Jeonghan’s hand.
Seungkwan stares at the two of them blankly, his mind running at 4612 miles per hour. After all these years, he never thought Vernon could ever see him as more than his best friend, but much like the night when he realized he was in love with Vernon, things started to click once again.
“Oh, we’re idiots,” Seungkwan says quietly, grasping onto the stone he still keeps in his pants pocket, “I gotta go.”
“Yeah, you do!” Jihoon exclaims, clapping his hands, “I believe in you, kid!”
Seungkwan believes in himself too, because he believes in a little bit of everything.