Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The day when your whole, quiet life was turned upside down started like any other day of your quiet, abdicable existence. You were woken up by birdsong and some weak rays of spring sunlight tickling your nose. Today would be a good day to search for some fresh herbs, saplings, new buds full of life and vitality. Great additions to your garden.

One look outside of the window. Yes, no clouds at the bright, blue sky. A perfect day to go for a walk through the woods. You smiled to yourself, before slipping your feet outside of your warm covers. The stone ground was ice cold.

A sharp hiss escaped your mouth. Damn, that was worse than last winter, when three blizzards had shaken the trees around the meadow and rattled on your windows. With scrunched up brows, you blindly searched for your old slippers. They must be somewhere around here, almost drowning in the sea of cold stone and air. Finally, your toes scrambled over the soft rabbit-fur and with a satisfied sigh, you dragged them closer only to slip into the welcoming warmth.

The fire in the living room must’ve burned down over the night. One look at the weakly gleaming coal and ashes, and your suspicions were confirmed. Not that it bothered you a lot. It would just take a while to make some tea to warm up your still slightly stiff bones and joints, but before you would get to that, you blindly fumbled for your bathrobe and covered your thin sleeping clothes with the only luxury item you had. Years ago, a customer had given you this robe for your services and you wouldn’t complain about the by now too-short sleeves and the lower rims barely reaching over your knees, when the softness of the fabric was unrivaled in your whole wardrobe. You never would’ve dared to purchase anything like this on your own.

Not that you ever would, again.

One hand still busy tying the knot of the belt around your waist, you waved the other into the direction of the fireplace. Energy swirled around your fingertips, mighty and fiery, only to bend to your will. New flames sprung forth, happily flickered and whispered around the iron pot hanging at a horizontal bar above the fire. Another wave, and an old and well-used can of water flew over to the pot and poured some water into it, just enough for a single, lonely mug of herbal tea.

In the back of your mind, you still directed the can back onto its original spot on the wooden kitchen counter, all the while finishing the last touches on your outfit. You smiled at the silly thought. Outfit. Like you would meet some people who would judge me for what you were wearing. Really, that was the most delusional, fleeting thought you had in a whole-!

You would never forget the next moment. One second, you stared blankly ahead, the flames in the fireplace sparkling in your vision; the next, agonized screams echoed through the air. Instantly, you swiveled around and ran outside, knowing already where to go. Only one thing could cause such unimaginable pain that the victim couldn’t help but to beg for forgiveness and that exact plant ranked right around the old wood of your fence, just for this exact course.

And to fend off pesky insects which would destroy otherwise your hard work.

You pushed the backdoor open, which released you directly into your herbal garden. Hundreds of different wild and cultivated herbs, neatly arranged into rows and at the same time, hidden almost in plain sight due to the high grass. Only the fence told about the secret garden you created here, about the materials you needed to fulfill your purpose when someone needed help and was desperate enough to come to you.

And at this exact fence stood a group of people, right across from your point of view. Four people, all of them wearing the Konoha sign on their bodies. Blind silver to avoid the reflection of the sun, a natural choice in their business. You knew instantly who had let out the scream. The one closest to the fence, a blond boy with whiskers on his face, stared with pitiful, big, blue eyes at his hands and inspected the damage the vine had done. A girl was looking at his outstretched hands, her sakura-pink hair held back by a hair band. In the back was a black-haired boy, smiling a little bit stiffly at the two others of his age, while his almost unnatural pale skin reflected the sunlight like only snow could. Another, apparently older shinobi waited in the back, his face hidden by a mask and hands buried in the pockets of his pants.

A strange group, you thought to yourself. Until now, you believed shinobi were these secretive, prim and proper shadow-warriors, never to be seen and never to be heard. In total difference to the group you had right in front of you, all loud and whiny and disturbing the tranquility of the meadow with their booming voices.

The blond boy whined a bit more and his voice made your skin crawl from the sheer volume to it. “Sakura-chan! Please, can you just heal it? It burns and Kurama doesn’t want me to heal fast. Something about learning to not rely on him too much…”

The girl, apparently even named after the famous tree, shook her head in badly hidden exasperation. “I’m not your personal healing pod whenever you need it! And personally, I think you deserve it! I warned you to not just shove your hands into unknown plants! You’re lucky you only seem to have a rash and not a full-blown poisoning from these vines!”

Right now, tiny red spots should form on his palms. If left unattended, these spots would soon turn bigger and would become itchy, to the point the boy would think fire burned right beneath his skin. And no amount of scratching or cooling medicine would help. The fire vine, who wore its name not without reason, was covered by small, almost unnoticeable prickles. And the boy probably really shoved his hands right into the plant, who only tried to defend itself from the rude intrusion.

You stood there, on your feet your old slippers, the warm bathrobe slung around your body and stared through squinted eyes at the group. They were shinobi, yes. But why were they here? After all, your hut was in the middle of nowhere, hidden in the deepest depths of the forest. The next village was a few miles away and only a few desperate souls willingly made the effort to seek you out.

Until now, no shinobi had been under these seekers.

Just when you breathed in to use your voice for the first time in forever, one of the shinobis looked directly at you. The one with the mask, hair colored in the same shade of the dead trees. White and grey, almost silver under the sun, all the while two black eyes bore right into your soul.

For some reason, a cold shiver rained down your back. You took one step backward, then another one. He didn’t do anything, just stared and seemed to look right into your very being. No, you knew exactly what he was looking at and that wasn’t your inside.

With a quick shake of your head, you let your hair fall in front of your face. All the while, you took more, uncertain steps backwards. Nobody should see you like this. Nobody, absolutely nobody. They were strangers, came from far away, would carry the rumors of a monster living in this forest further into the world.

Your throat was dry, cold sweat clinging to your back. The only thing you could hear was the fast rhythm of your heart, drumming against your ribcage in your panic and horror. You stumbled backwards and by now, the other three shinobi noticed you too. Just in the moment your hand pressed down the handle of the door, you could hear over the loud thrumming of your heart a shouted “Hey, you!”, before you slammed the door shut, pressing your back against the solid wood.

Pf. As if the wood can withstand the combined force of four shinobi.

Palms flushed to the cool wood, spine pressing into the barricade, the wall, the protection against the world outside, the people waiting there. Your knees trembled, until you couldn’t hold yourself up any longer. Slowly, you slid downwards, until your butt hit the cold stone ground and you were able to hide your face in your drawn-up knees. Maybe, when they realized you didn’t want to see or meet them, they would go away. Maybe, if you just locked the door long enough, they would leave you alone again.

A knock vibrated through the wood. Two slow raps, followed by another, heavy, deliberate one. The hollow sounds thundered through your whole body and a single gasp escaped your mouth, before your hands flew up to cover your traitorous lips.

“Hello.”

Even though you didn’t like most voices (too loud, too self-centered, too painful), this one was… quite nice. Smooth, warm, and foremost, almost silent. This man knew that a voice was something powerful and used it accordingly. Nothing like the people you knew.

Still, not enough to convince you to answer or even worse, open the door.

“We’re sorry for intruding,” the nice voice continued, “it certainly wasn’t Naruto’s intention. It’s a nice garden out here.”

Desperately, you bit your lower lip. No, not answering. It certainly was a trap. The man with the mask was for certain the closest thing you would ever get to know to the serious, deadly shinobi of your imagination.

“Do you possibly know how to treat his hands? Sakura, the girl you saw, won’t take action and his whining will probably go on my nerves in a few hours if they are left unattended.”

You gritted your teeth. No, no answering, absolutely not. You knew all tactics to make you do things for others, the weak joking, the complimenting and praising, the threatening. With the burden placed upon your shoulders, you experienced all stages of manipulative behavior, knew what people would do to gain power over others. Never, never again.

You were on edge. Nerves tense to the point you instinctively reached out to your powers to check what these shinobi were capable of. After that, you would at least know what waited behind the safe doors of the only home you had.

It was worse than you ever could’ve imagined. The one behind the door and trying to talk with you had an almost electrified, charged aura, dark with hues of deep melancholia hidden within. There was the feeling of deep guilt, like the person committed heinous crimes he couldn’t forgive himself for committing, all the while also the known colors of duty painted his aura. Here was a soldier, used to orders and following them, maybe harboring doubts and questions, but fulfilling these orders nevertheless. But you also noticed the little lighter spots, small bits of recovery and laughter and friendliness, jokes and mischievous nature.

Still, this man was dangerous. And the sinking feeling in your guts only worsened, deepened, settled and nestled into your stomach when you quickly checked the other shinobis, one worse than the other. One of them seemed dark, almost the same as the first one, but with more rage hidden behind all the sadness and melancholia, another one was all gentleness and brute force at the same time and the last…

The last was the worst. Dark matter, dark intentions, all enveloped by dark energy. A gasp escaped your mouth and this time, you were too scared to even move a muscle. You experienced a lot of darkness in your life, but never to this extent. Never this old, this gruesome, this terrible. The small spark of human energy inside this ball of negativity didn’t count. These people were definitely dangerous and you would be damned to accept them in your close proximity for any amount of time.

“Go away.” You hissed through your teeth, eyes hidden behind your hands.

The voice sounded genuinely confused. “Excuse me?”

“Go away. Go and never return. This hut and garden are mine, mine alone and you’re not wanted here!”

The longest you had spoken in a long time. Your voice sounded even strange and foreign to you, like the voice of a long-forgotten childhood friend. The words felt too big for your mouth, clumsy and clunky, more falling from your lips than actually pronounced. A cough rippled at your throat, before you hissed again, words louder and louder echoing through the silent room and overwhelming the soft crackling of the fireplace. “Go away. You’re not wanted here. Go and never come back.”

“Can you at least tell us what Naruto can do to treat his hands?” The voice sounded sincere, but you were too caged in your disbelief to really fall for it. If you would show them any sign of weakness, they would latch upon this weakness and suck you dry without a second thought.

“No!” You shouted. “Go away! Never come back! Leave me alone!”

A heavy sigh echoed through the door. “Alright. We’re leaving. And we’re sorry for intruding, it wasn’t our intention to disturb you.”

Quietly, you shook your head. You would only believe them if they would truly leave. And even then, it could be just a clever maneuver to make you think you were safe before running you over. Never believe anyone, a lecture you learned the hard way.

There was a reason why you lived in the woods, after all. Well, a lot of reasons. It was easier, it was simpler, it was silent… And you were alone. It was for the best.

While the voice went silent, you reached again out to feel if they were really leaving. The group of three souls really walked away, but the last one, the one who had stood at your door didn’t. He stood still in front of your door and seemed to wait with bated breath, almost like a shadow.

Rage build inside of your stomach. How dare he lied! How dare he!

“Hey!” Abruptly, you turned around and hit the door with all the strength you had. “Fuck off! Leave!”

“Okay, okay.” And this time, the tortured soldier really left. You could feel his aura fading with the distance put in between you and him, joined the other three auras and left together with them.

Thank the gods. Thank the gods I’m alone again.

Cautiously, you scrambled to your feet. Again, just to be sure, you checked the clearing. No, this time, they were truly gone. With a weary sigh, you leaned your forehead against the colder wood of the door and closed your eyes. All thoughts and plans of taking a little walk through the surrounding wood were washed away. You needed to make sure they didn’t do anything to your herbs, didn’t trample over them like the last time some strangers came in and assumed the hut was empty and abandoned. You grimaced at the memory of returning to the garden and seeing the work of a few years almost completely destroyed by the carelessness of some dumb idiots.

Needless to say, you didn’t go collecting new herbs for your garden that day. Instead, you checked your garden up and down for any kind of damage. But there wasn’t even a footprint where it shouldn’t be, all of them neatly laid onto the almost invisible paths in between the neat rows. And still, you searched the grass meticulously and used your gift to listen to the nature.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

I hope they never come back, you thought to yourself, sweating heavily and incredibly thirsty when you stepped back into your house in the late afternoon, because if they do, I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to attack them, considering I would lose for certain against all four together. Separating them would be an issue, not knowing their abilities. And this dark aura… You shuddered violently alone at the memory. Never again. No, they shouldn’t come back, not with the way I chased them away. They have no further business here and if the girl manages to get that stick out of her ass, then the hands of that kiddo should be fine. And if not, the next village also knows how to treat the fire vine properly.

Still, the slight premonition that this wouldn’t be the last of those shinobi you would see clung to your mind for the rest of the day, all the way to the bath in a nearby river. Naked and the clothes neatly folded in the grass, you stretched out on the riverbed and sighed when the cold water washed away the sweat of labor and heavy worries of being found by strange ninjas.

Unluckily, even though you hoped to be left alone for another three months, you had the dim feeling your life would be a lot more stressful than it had been and your gut feeling never betrayed you.

You desperately wished it would be the first time that ever happened, while you held your breath and dived beneath the water surface. The cool water stung in your face and nearly ripped the breath in your lungs away, but with all the hard-earned control you could muster, you managed to keep everything inside your lungs, before emerging again from the water, gasping for fresh air and feeling the warm spring breeze softly caressing your wet skin.

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Your gut feeling proved to be awfully right, once more. Only one day laid between the two meetings; one whole, calm, blessed day of recovering from the sudden intrusion of your privacy and another dreaded social contact. This time, it was midday and you were busy preparing a rabbit you had caught this morning for a soup you could hopefully serve alongside some bread. To train yourself, you only watched the knife how it carefully cut apart the legs from the body, opened the stomach, only for the organs to fly out on their own when you peeled them out of the dead rabbit. Your bare arms were folded beneath your chest, shoulders tense from the concentration and your feet, covered by your slippers, tapped subconsciously onto the ground in a steady rhythm. Coincidentally, it matched the rhythm of the knife slicing through the rabbit.

That’s when another knock at your front door caught your attention.  With a low grunt, you lowered the knife to the wooden cutting board and threw a glare at the front door. First the shinobi only two days ago, and now again a disturbance? It better should be something important.

When you looked later on back onto the happenings of that time, you could only shake your head at your ignorant behavior. You should’ve checked the surroundings, should’ve made sure not the same group of shinobi were standing on your doorstep. After all, the chance of them returning was quite high still. But you didn’t check and like this, you opened the door a tiny bit, only to be faced with the same masked face of the stupidly grinning man.

He raised his hands for a tiny wave. “Hey,” he said, “Nice to meet you again. Is it possible to talk to you a little bit?”

The audacity! You gritted your teeth, the jaw aching from the force you put into it. “No. I’m not present.”

“You look pretty present to me.”

“Your eyes fool you. Now, excuse me, I think I made myself pretty clear the last time you tried to lie to me. Fuck off and take your little group of scoundrels with you.” With a sharp nod, you pointed at the three teens in his back, maybe only 16 or 17 of age. You noted that the blond boy who was stupid or brave enough to just reach into a bundle of fire vine, still had his hands in white bandages, obviously still burning and sulking. His lower lip jutted out and big, blue puppy-dog eyes hit you when the boy noticed you were looking at him.

Quickly, you concentrated again on the man right in front of your face, who went over to rub the back of his neck with a gloved hand. “What are you waiting for? Go away. You’re blocking the doorway.”

You wanted to close the door, to shut these people out of your life and entire existence, but there was suddenly a relentless grip on the door itself and you couldn’t move it for your dear life without using your gift. Desperately, you tried to pull at the barricade, all the while the stranger held without breaking into a sweat onto the wood, not taking his far too intense eyes off of you. “I’m not exactly seeing a little queue forming here to enthusiastically greet you. Measured at your behavior last time, it is more of a common sight than not. And we have a reason.”

“Yeah!” The blond boy spoke up, fiddling at the same time with the bandages. “We want to know how to treat my hands!”

“They are treated!” you snapped at him. “I’m pretty sure you were in the village a few miles away! I recognize the bandages; the village doctor uses this knot all the time!”

The pink-haired girl — Sakura, you remembered — shook her head, her arms crossed in front of her chest and the utter annoyance on her face telling even more about her and her personality than her words. “He’s bad at his job. I swear, he does dental inspections with a pair of dirty tongs and an ice pickle.”

Close, but not quite. You squinted your eyes at her when unwilling respect for her medical knowledge welled up inside of you. “Nevertheless, you’re not welcome here. And I would appreciate it if you would get lost, like, right now. You’re making me speak far too much.”

The children looked at you like you were some kind of strange entity they found while exploring a dark, deep cave. The adult in their middle though seemed to be just as chipper and friendly as ever, but you couldn’t miss the small hint of steel in his voice when he raised his words again. “Unluckily, the doctor said he didn’t have the necessary herbs for this kind of treatment. And, interestingly enough, he was the one to tell us to go and find you again, all of it with a fearful voice. Is there something shinobi of the fire country should know about?”

“As far as I know,” you hissed back and heard the fire crackling louder as a reaction to your inner tension, “shinobi of Konohagakure have no concerns with the way how the poorer villages deal with their sick and injured ones. It’s the fault of the government anyway that every dumb idiot can call themselves doctor as soon as they acquired some clean scalpels and hand sterilization. They should put up some controls, but no!” Frustrated, you threw one hand into the air. “It’s more important to discuss about the trade agreements with the other countries and their little mind games they play all day!”

“Interesting view,” the man interjected, still not releasing the door and still smiling underneath his mask (you could only estimate, measured at the wrinkles around his eyes, one of them horribly injured once, measured at the vertical scar crossing eyelid and skin), “But we’re not only here to properly treat Naruto’s little injury. We have a mission and personally, I think you can help find our objective.”

In the background you were aware of the disbelieving “We’re not?” and the hissed “Not now!”, but foremost, your entire concentration was now on the shinobi. A mission? And he thought you could help?

Of course. Of course, he did. Probably, the doctor also ran his mouth about your gift and told about the wonders you could do and conveniently forgot to mention the many, many times you had fallen ill after an extensive task. Probably, he only wanted to get these annoying people off his back and figured you were the right person to be bothered by them.

Out of anger, you squinted your eyes. Raw acid boiled up in your stomach, rose into your throat and made you nearly gag, but you controlled the urge to spit out, directly in front of the feet of the imperious shinobi. Even though he deserved it.

But he apparently noticed your rage. Concern seemed to flash over his masked face, before the man put up some more walls, preparing himself for the impact of your words. “I’m done helping people. I’m done jumping whenever someone wants me to. I’m not interested in helping anyone, I just want my peace and solitude. If you have any kind of respect and sense how to treat other people — and I heavily doubt that — then leave me alone, once and for all. Next time, I will defend myself from any unwanted advances. So, for the last forsaken time. Leave. Me. Alone!”

Subconsciously, you reached for your gift. The eyes of the man widened when he felt the first swirls of raw energy. But before he could react, he flew backwards, pushed and shoved away by the force of your will. The teens screamed out in surprise when they saw their leader flying through the air, spinning around until he was able to land on his feet.

Not that you were watching. Quicker than they could even blink, you slammed the door shut with a very satisfying loud, resonating thud, vibrating through the whole house. The glass of your windows sung in a high, unnerving tone and the pots neatly arranged on a horizontal shelf above the kitchen counter started to rattle, shaken by your emotions. Only barely, you managed to regain your usually so tightly sealed control.

One breath in, two breaths out. One breath in, three short breaths out. The monotone yet changing rhythm, the fresh air and the conscious rise and fall of your chest did the trick. Slowly, oh so slowly, the fire in your belly died down and with it, the rattling of the pots and the crackles of the fire.

These people will be the death of me.

Useful for their mission? What does that mean?

Why didn’t Doc come to me and tell me that he’s short of herbs? We have an agreement.

Same reason as always. Too damn proud.

That means he will send me a message in a week or so. Have to be prepared. Collect herbs, make gels, brew potions. It’s spring, so I have to make more of the wound balm and prepare for wound infections.

Have to make a list of what I need desperately.

Spring means more field work. Spring means fresh produce. I really have to go to the village soon.

An unwilling shudder crawled over your back. Going into the village… Meant so much more than just a walk and hauling the goods back into your solitary home. You didn’t even want to think about it, nevertheless, your eyes glanced at the ominous darkness beneath your bed, where a small box waited, maybe the size of a compact melon. Every time you had to go that place, every damn time, you had to open this box. Subconsciously, you grimaced, before shaking your head at your own foolishness.

Tiredly, you dragged your hands over your face. This week was utter shit. Too many people, too many words had left your mouth. You just wanted to enjoy the solitude in the depths of the woods, why couldn’t people just respect that?

Speaking of people. This time, you actually checked the meadow in front of your hut and the bad energy from one of them hurt to the roots of your teeth. A deep, hollow ache, making you grimace and massage your jaw, all the while you softly pressed your ear to the wood, trying to listen to their heated debate going on.

Thankfully, these shinobi didn’t seem to understand the very description of their job. Be secretive and silent.

“What are we doing now, Kakashi-sensei?” The blond boy spoke, the same loud, booming voice echoing over the clearing and scaring the birds off the trees. “Are you alright?”

“Maa,” the smooth voice hummed, “I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”

“What was that? Did she actually attack you?”

“No, not at all. It wasn’t a jutsu either. More like…” The man fell silent, apparently deeply in thought. Then, he seemed to regain his composure. “Doesn’t matter. For starters, we can set up a camp right over there. It’s getting late and it’s not likely she will open the door for us today.”

“She’s pretty rude, isn’t she?” The girl, Sakura, said. “But…”

“We still need her.” A new voice. Probably the silent, pale boy who could use some hours in the sunlight. “There’s no way around it.”

“Exactly.” This Kakashi spoke again. “Now, let’s go, before even more curious listeners turn up.”

You needed a few seconds to realize what he meant with that. Then, the coin dropped. He knew you were eavesdropping on their conversation and just called you out on it! Instantly, you jerked away from the door and stared at the wood with all the detest you could muster, and that was by no means a small amount.

You disliked the man even more when you heard the weak and still pleasant chuckle from the other side. These damn shinobi! Camping on your meadow and making fun of you at the same time?

A grim smile flashed over your face, before you turned to the small kitchen to prepare the rabbit further. But this time, you dug your own fingers into the dead meat and worked the sharp knife into the body, cutting through flesh and bones and tendons. The edge hit every time with a very satisfying ‘clank’ the wood of the cutting board and soon, your wrist started to go numb from the force and aggressiveness you put into your movements.

You didn’t care. Your mind was elsewhere, planning and forming and plotting little inconveniences for the unwelcomed guests which would make their time in your proximity the most unpleasant stay they ever had.

Chapter Text

Every human is driven by their desire to create the best possible life they can live for themselves. No matter if they have to walk over corpses or not.

You experienced it on your own; were the tool the people used to make their lives easier. The corpse people loved to trample over, not caring one bit about your feelings, about your emotions, about your health. Every person you knew tried to use you at one point in your life, therefore, one could also say you weren’t too fond of people, and new people in particular.

(You lived in the woods all alone. Of course, you didn’t like people too much.)

For the last ten years, only occasionally, strangers and villagers made their way through the deep woods, over rivers, some small, some big and almighty, over almost completely hidden paths, overgrown by plants and moss, and over a particular unstable wooden bridge. The wood was old, creaked with every step and every time, you feared you would break through, especially on the way back when the added weight of the produce and products you could only access in the village weighed on your shoulders.

And now this. Four complete strangers camped on the other side of your meadow. You watched them, how they build up their small tents, how they rolled out their sleeping bags, how the girl went off into the wood and returned with dry wood, all the while the black-haired teen placed his katana carefully on the grass and far away from the blond one, Naruto, before scrambling through his backpack, only to hand the adult in their middle a few scrolls.

The man with the smooth voice. The tortured, but slowly recovering soldier. The masked one. Kakashi-sensei. He accepted the scrolls, all the while the blond Naruto build with practiced motions a fireplace, assembled rocks and placed them in a neat, a bit askew circle.

They had been a group for a long time, that much you could say. There was a casual routine going on, tasks distributed unspoken and fulfilled in a manner which told you they had been done a lot of times already. Repetition and correct distribution.

Subconsciously, you grimaced. An entity, building a synergy. These people somehow trusted each other, out of reasons you would never understand. Just… strange. Strange mannerisms, strange trust, just a strange group.

A strange group which camped far too close for your taste. Again, you grimaced and rubbed quickly over the bare skin of your upper arms. Goosebumps pressed against your palms, awoken by the simple, sheer disgust of having any kind of humans living so close.

The worst is that I have no idea for how long they plan to stay. They could be gone in three days or next month. Depends on how long their mission takes.

Let’s hope on a few days.

And what if they stay for longer than that?

Then I have to be creative. Make their stay as miserable as possible. Shouldn’t be too hard, after all, this forest is my home and I know its little pests and disturbances better than anyone.

That hopefully gives them enough encouragement to leave sooner or later.

About the alternative you didn’t want to think at all costs.

You stumbled away from the window, backwards, not able to look away from the cozy and strangely homey picture right out there. Their connections, their entity disturbed your mind and not even the herbal tea you cooked for yourself would ease your strained nerves. Their mere proximity filled the clearing, throttled and choked you. Even through the thick stone walls of your home, you could faintly hear their voices, exchanged words and orders. Just above a murmur, no clear words. Enough to feel pressured, just enough to feel so incredibly cornered that you buried your face in your hands, while the cup floated right beside you in the air.

A knock at your front door disturbed your growing misery and despair. Three rhythmic little sounds, unwanted and nevertheless they echoed through the empty, lonely room like a warning.

For a short second, you played with the thought of just ignoring the knocks. You could walk right out of the backdoor and vanish in the woods, even live in the deepest depths and return in a few days to see if the strangers finally left. But then, you shook your head, chasing the silly idea out of your brain.

Stupid. They would see me and probably follow my trail. In that regard, they are far superior than me.

Still dressed in your sleeveless shirt, the loose pants reaching the middle of your shin and feet bare, you opened, face adorned with a dark scowl and hopefully portraying exactly how much you disliked their presence.

The girl stood in front of your door. Pink hair and pink shirt, gloves on her hands and a skirt with a bag tied around her waist, which dangled weakly when she moved her weight from one foot to the other, a little, hopeful smile on her face you instantly disliked.

“Hello.” With her still raised hand, she waved at you, what you answered with a darkening of your scowl. Sakura, you remembered. At least her parents had a tiny bit sense of humor left when they had named their daughter.

Awkward silence settled over the scene. You had no intention of acknowledging her presence even more than you already had to do, nor you wanted to indulge in any kind of useless small talk. Apparently, Sakura hadn’t been aware of your unwillingness to talk or expected you to break the silence. Thus, resulting in the awkward tension you definitely appreciated and welcomed, all the while the girl started to sweat and fidget on her feet.

“Uhm…” she finally said and maintained her forced smile with a dignity you only had seen on a few people in your life, “I was just asking myself, because the garden you have in the backyard is quite impressive, if it would be alright for you if I would just take a look around and make some notes for myself? You see, the gardens in Konoha are also great, but I couldn’t help but to notice that there are some plants which are usually only found in the high mountains and swamp areas and I was curious how you managed to-!”

“No.” Bland, simple, but effective. The girl immediately fell silent, mouth hanging open in confusion at your hostile voice, hissing the single syllable more than actually pronouncing it properly.

Good. My garden is not an arboretum for your little meek-girl games.

Her new attempt at a smile was strained, like Sakura only barely managed to hold on to the last shreds of her manners in the face of the lacking of yours. “Is that so? Alright, then I apologize for bothering you.”

“Better apologize for wasting my time. At least two minutes I will never get back. Now, get lost.” You said and slammed the door close.

The satisfying smack of the door and the creaking of the lock you purchased such a long time ago sliding into place brought the first real smile to your face since the day started. That should make your intentions as clear as the sun outside. And really, your hostile behavior made Sakura first gasp and sputter, before heavy stomps went away from your front door. Her loud and booming complaints about your “absolutely mean and unnecessary stance towards a nice and reasonable question” echoed over the clearing, together with the reassurances of the blond boy Naruto, who seemed to be nervous enough to worry more about a possible outbreak of his friend than the badly treated hands he still had wrapped in more or less clean bandages.

Just when you wanted to huff in victory and go on with your day, hopefully undisturbed by the freeloaders on the attic, the smooth voice of “Kakashi-sensei” vibrated through the wood and you froze on the spot. “That wasn’t very nice of you. I won’t hear the end of it for the rest of the day.”

The voice was coated in exasperated amusement, obviously aimed at making you laugh as well. Building a pleasant connection, building trust and friendship, making you loosen and open up.

Your teeth grinded together, before you shook your head wildly. Strands of your hair whipped around, would hurt your face with the force you put into the single motion. It helped to clear your mind. No answer would discourage him for sure. So, you kept silent, balling your hands into fists, fingernails digging into the flesh of your palms and with trembling knees, all the while the voice of this so-called sensei still made its way into the house, crawling into your ears and kindling the anger burning in your stomach. “I kind of understand her though. Your garden is really a sight to see and when she pointed out the different kinds of plants and healing herbs there, I couldn’t help myself to also be fascinated. It should be impossible to put an alpine rock-jasmine right beside valerian. But here you are and doing just that. Not to forget that most of these plants have a medical use and Sakura is a very respected healer in our village.”

He paused, like he expected an answer or insult from you. Neither came. Only a slight hiss escaped your mouth, pressed right through your teeth. It was so goddamn hard to not tell them to piss off, to tell all of them that they could go to hell in your mind, to tell them that they could shove their presence and annoying voices and loud intentions right up their asses. You never asked for them to stay here, never asked for them to make conversation. How hard-headed could they be to not figure out why you lived this deep in the woods? Not because it was convenient or only partly your decision.

You liked the quiet, the tranquility and peace. Weeks could go by and the only companions would be the trees and your herbs. Not even your own voice disturbed the peace of this part of the forest, except for the occasional humming to the sound of the rustling leaves.

It was the solitude, the honest nature of the fauna around you. Nothing here was physically able to speak, thus, nothing should be able to bother you. Such a simple quotation and so goddamn sweet.

The sensei still continued to talk, even though you ignored his words as much as you could. “She was completely in awe at the herbs you have here. Couldn’t stop rambling about them yesterday evening. By the way, what did you cook? It smelled delicious. Definitely better than the dry ration-packs we had.”

Desperately, you closed your eyes. No, this voice wouldn’t get to you. Not today, not anytime.

“And Naruto, I swear. Like I mentioned, he complained the whole evening about his hands being itchy. Sakura didn’t stop yelling at him for scratching them whenever he had the chance. Even went as far to take the bark of some trees around and scratch his hands that way.”

Out of instinct, you winced. A bad idea on the boy’s part. Even though it would achieve some temporary relief from the fire burning right beneath the skin, it would only force the tiny thorns deeper into his flesh, making taking them out even harder. It was potentially even dangerous if they stayed in too long, nerves could be damaged and-!

Again, you shook your head. No, this was not your concern. Your concern was your loneliness, not the boy’s hands or that you liked how the smooth voice was silent and strong at the same time, something your mind appreciated deeply after all the loud voices you already bore in your life. They weren’t your problem, just like the itching hands weren’t your problem and the annoyance at the probably loud discussions going on inside the small camp a few meters away from your hut weren’t your problem, even though the shinobi was adamant on making them your problems.

Just when you thought that, a warm chuckle broke your chain of thoughts. “I have to say, usually I’m the silent one, so it’s quite a change to be the active part in a conversation for once. A pleasant one, to be completely honest.”

To you, he seemed rather chatty. Talking about this and that like there was no tomorrow. And this Kakashi-guy was supposed to be a non-talkative person? Really? In disbelief, you snorted out loud before you could control your urges.

A grave mistake.

“Aah.” The man chuckled again, low and pleasant. “So, you’re listening. Good. I was doubting if you didn’t already put in some earplugs or something. And, I couldn’t help but to notice that I don’t know your name yet.”

Your name. This time, your rebellious mouth released a click of your tongue, more annoyed by his question than flattered, like he probably intended. Your name was insignificant. No one used it anyway, so why bother with it? Instead of making the effort of recalling it, you turned around to the door and the vague spot where you estimated the shinobi to lean against the wood, probably arms crossed over his chest and one leg bend to press the sole against the only wall available. Instead of forming your name, you asked the question which had burned on your tongue since the moment you spotted the strange group of ninjas trying to enter your garden. “What is your business here?”

“Nice to meet you, “What is your business here”. A strange name, but I once met a man who…”

“Don’t play dumb!” you barked. “I want to know what you’re doing here, on my clearing, whatever requires a not-terminated stay!”

“Maa, so feisty.” Kakashi said. “Well, we’re obviously camping here, until our mission is fulfilled. Unfortunately, I can’t talk with you about the mission itself, due to the delicate matter of it, but I can say that we have to stay longer than originally planned. There are some… disturbances, which cause me to believe that we need more time.”

“How long?”

“Don’t know yet.”

“How. Long?”

For the first time, Kakashi seemed to forget to put on his cheerful-careless mask. His voice showed a hint of strained nerves, just a small tint of annoyance and stress to fool you, despite his very advanced skills in masking his feelings. “I don’t know yet,” he repeated, “I only know that we need more time. More time than you want to give us here.”

More time than I’m willing to bear your presence, yes.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay… Quickly, you rubbed with your palms over your face. Maybe… Maybe you could give them some time. Just a little bit of time, a week maybe? A week seemed like a good time span to fulfill whatever mission they had. And you felt like you could handle a week of intrusion and constant loud noises and voices. Anything above that, though… You couldn’t make any promises nor were you willing to.

Alright. I will ignore them as much as I can. Go on with my day, do what I would usually do. If they come too close though… The joints in your fingers cracked audibly when you stretched them out and the pots in the shelves started to jitter and tremble when your temperament flared up. I have nothing against defending myself. They seem to be the kind of pretentious brats who think they are invincible.

Gently, you pressed the palms of your hands against the wood of the door. Beyond that barrier, you could feel the flickering and burning of the different sources of chakra, the different personalities, the different people wandering over the usually deserted clearing. At the crowded feeling, your nails seemed to curl upwards in disgust.

A week, you told yourself. A goddamn, long, short week, all at the same time.

It was hard to make the offer, the hesitation to accept these shinobi in your home making your tongue curve and tie into a tight knot. “Seven days.”

“What?” Kakashi’s voice seemed the slightest bit hopeful. A fact which made you grit your teeth together. “What did you say?”

“Seven days. If I see even one hair of one of your sorry asses afterwards on my clearing, then I will see it as a violation of my privacy and will defend myself.”

“I’m not quite sure if a week is-!”

“One goddamn week!” you shouted. “Nothing more, nothing less. It’s already too much from my point of view, but hey! I’m generous. Tell your little subordinates your success. Bask in it, shinobi. And after that week I don’t want to see you anymore, not you, not one of your little students, not a single fucking strand of your hair!”

Silence. Even the wind ruffling through the trees seemed to cease to exist. Only your sharp breaths ragged through the room, harsh and clipped, while your hands trembled against the hardwood.

Then…

“Alright. A week it is, then.”

You waited for more, waited and anticipated a backlash or more arguing, but nothing came. Only silence and the wind seemed to brush again through the leaves of the trees surrounding the attic. Maybe, he was already gone? You closed your eyes and reached out with your mind to search for the chakra signature (you almost felt sorry for him and his obviously tortured life he led so far. Almost.)

Nothing.

Confused, you opened your eyes and stared at the opposite wall. He left. He just left. Not too far away, you could still feel the aura, mingling with the others outside, but… He just left you alone. Gave you space. That was… strange. A strange experience.

You blinked several times, still trying to wrap your head around it, only to come to no visible explanation. Was he done manipulating you? Did he reach his goal? Did he not? You had no idea and you still thought about it when you cleaned the dishes from breakfast, staring mindlessly out of the window, which showed the garden in its full beauty. It was impossible to not notice the blond boy walking up to the fence, cautiously keeping a distance of a meter to the overgrown barrier, all the while his blue eyes were intently fixated on the dangerous green. Carefully, you dropped the single plate onto the counter right beside the sink, all the while watching the boy just as intently as he watched the fence. Like it would jump at him any second.

Suddenly, he stopped. He was maybe three meters away from the window, standing there with his arms hanging down, the once lilywhite linen around his hands a bit dirtied by ash and earth. The bright orange of his clothing almost seemed to reflect some of the sunlight. At least, your eyes hurt a bit while you looked at him, hands busy drying off the plate.

What the…? He doesn’t plan on trying again, isn’t he?

But just when you thought that, Naruto stretched his bandaged hands out. With a low grunt, you concentrated. The vines lifted off the fence, bristled like the fur of an angered cat, only to coil tighter around the plain wood than before. The blond jumped backwards, screeching at the definitely unnatural movements of the plant.

Kids. You snorted. Have to touch the hot kettle again and again, huh?

Your eyes dropped back to the sink, the lukewarm water sloshing around your hands. The metal of a knife was warm to the touch as you carefully peeled off the rest of breadcrumbs clinging to it. Behind you, the fire was burning happily, the kettle resting above it and warming up. Actually, you had to restock some medicine and tonics, balms and minor poisons. It would be a good day to stay inside mostly and cook a few up. Beckoning it with a call, the trowel jumped out of a nearby shelf and flew over, dropping elegantly inside the kettle. Not even a minor sound of metal hitting wood was audible.

You smiled to yourself. Another proof your control was improving. With a new swing in your movements, you proceeded to clean the knife, until you glanced again up and out of the window.

And shrieked. Big blue eyes stared right at you, the whiskered cheeks pressed to the glass and mouth open in silent awe. Pain slashed through your hand, closing tightly around the edge of the knife. Water splashed around as you retracted your hands, red mixing with soap and bubbles. It burned terribly. Sharp flames in your palm, cursing through the surface right underneath and with another hissed curse, you inspected the wound, before throwing a hateful glance at the blond.

He had the dignity to look shocked. Hands clasped in front of his mouth, baby-blue eyes wide as saucers, obviously shocked and fearful. His eyes were locked on the bloody hand, streams of crimson running down the wrist and soaking into the hem of your sleeve, even though you tried to avoid it.

“I’m sorry!” he cried out, all the while you tried to hold all the hot rage inside of your stomach, “I’m so, so sorry, that wasn’t my intention, believe it! Maybe Sakura-chan can take a look at it, she’s pretty good with that kind of stuff!”

Livid beyond the levels of human capabilities, you tried to ignore him. Just when you decided to give them some time on the clearing. Just… fucking perfect. So typical. Gritting your teeth, you balled the hand into a fist, the pain flashing through your nerves like dull lightning. “I don’t need her,” you pressed through your teeth. “I’m fine.”

“But it looks pretty nasty…”

“I can help myself just fine.” More blood dripped into the dish water, drop by drop by drop, crimson spreading in the soapy liquid. A few more seconds, you only stared at the bloody mess of a once clear sink, then pulled your hand away and turned to your right. The shelf with all your small pots of balms, herbs and healing plants was there. Overflowing with green, emitting fresh and clean smells into the air and mixing with the faintest whiff of smoke, coming from the happily flickering fire in your back.

You had to stand on your tiptoes to reach for the pot with the soothing, mint-green balm for fresh, shallow cuts. There was no need to have it directly in reach, after all, people only came to you with almost hopeless and mysterious cases, not fresh wounds and bloody cuts. Finally, you managed to drag the brown pot closer, painfully aware that the ominous aura was still hovering in front of the window. Even without looking at him, you knew the boy was still there. Still staring and still intruding.

Your fingers clamped into the cool pottery. Swiveling around, you hissed at him, what caused the boy to shy away, sadness crystal clear in his blue eyes. “I may have given you time in this forest, but don’t think I welcome you in my life! You’re just inconveniences, damn pests for my plans! Now, fuck off! Thanks to you, I have to patch myself up and I don’t need any help from you brats to do so! You,” a bloodied index finger was pointed at him, “you already did enough!”

Finally, he slinked away, out of view and out of the radius of your radar. It was nice to be able to forget about the dark cloud of aura again, at least enough to breathe in sharply and concentrate on the matter at hand. In your hand, basically. By now, the blood of the cut started to coagulate, but the damage was already done. Pulses throbbed through your hand to the rhythm of your heartbeat. Gently, you spread the balm on your hand, before checking again the surroundings. Yes, none of the ninjas were close by. Not even the tortured soldier, Kakashi. Even after you double-checked, he wasn’t to be found.

Good. With a wave, you directed a bandage out of a nearby basket onto your hand. You watched how it wrapped itself around your hand, laid over the cut and pressed against the callouses and hardened up skin. Blinding white, going round and round, wrapping up the cut and protecting it from the outside world.

I wish I could wrap myself also up. I’m a blank nerve, nothing can protect me from them. Any kind of defense I had once was ripped away by the years of solitude.

A low sigh dropped from your lips. Yes. It would be a long week and you had no idea how it would end, for any of the involved parties.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The sun burned onto your head. Thankfully, you wore a wide sunhat. A wide, loose shirt without sleeves from yesterday and a wide skirt, like this, the sun could only shine upon your exposed arms and these were covered by a self-made cream of different ingredients to protect your skin from turning bright red. Your hands were dirty, buried in the rich earth, carefully digging out a small yet strong plant. The aromatic scent whirled around as you lifted the body of the plant higher, reaching beneath it and trying to detangle the roots without ripping them apart. The bandage on your injured hand was by now unnecessary, but to hold up the play in front of the unwelcome visitors, the white linen stayed. Dirty and by now an ugly earth-brown, but it stayed.

Steps behind you made you stop everything you were doing, the small creature in your hands and head raised in silent alarm. Those were not the steps of Naruto nor the ones of Sakura. Too light, too loaded. And you wouldn’t hear the steps of Kakashi, so it must be…

“Go away.” You lowered your head again after checking and finding the aura of the last one of the group. The one with the duck butt-hairstyle and the ominous purple eye. “I have nothing to say to you.”

“Mhm.”

Silence. You waited, waited and waited while freeing the plant of the earth, loosening the roots and setting it aside, before throwing a glance over your shoulder. The boy was standing in a respectable distance away from the fence, a heavy cloak thrown over his shoulders and hiding his left arm from view. Dark strands hung into his eyes, but couldn’t hide the mysterious purple of his left eye from you, not when it seemed to bore right into your soul. Even more than the gaze of his captain did. The handle of a katana peeked over his shoulder and at the sight of the weapon, a cold, prickly feeling tickled right underneath the base of your skull. This weapon had seen a lot of blood, a lot of rage and a lot of regrets. Not something a respectful shinobi would proudly wear, but this boy…

Instead of speaking to him, like he probably intended with his sudden, silent appearance, you huffed lowly, before turning again to the plant who deserved your attention far more than any human ever would. The leaves clung to your fingertips when you caressed the plant, also known as Thymus Vulgaris, a natural disinfectant and inflammatory. Any day, the doctor could come in and want some of your balms, thus, you had to prepare yourself-!

“We’re not here to hurt you.”

One last caress to the plant, then you straightened your back. “Must be strange to be not worshipped. Can’t say that I’m unhappy about it.”

You could nearly hear the roll of his eyes in the way how he tried to ban the annoyance out of his voice. “Again, we’re not here to hurt you or anyone else.”

“Did you tell that also your blond mascot?”

“He’s sorry about it.”

“Lies.” He became frustrated with you. A small smile stole its way onto your face while filling the first hole with the earth and digging your fingers into the dirt. “Why should I trust anything shinobi say to me? After all, it’s in the job description to lie and deceive.”

Another glance over your shoulder and this time, you smirked openly at the young shinobi. His frustration only grew, darkened, became visible in the creases of his forehead and in the wrinkle between his eyebrows. A state you liked to see him in.

Yeah. Feel some of the anger I harbor for you intruders.

With a special satisfied swing in your movements, you turned again on your heels and started to dig a new hole, just a few centimeters apart from the original thyme. The spawn right beside your right knee needed more space, thus, the resettlement. Maybe, you could give this one to the doctor, like this, he didn’t have to bother you every spring for your healthy and freshly produced balms. But until then, it would live close to its mother. Humming quietly to yourself, you started the dirty work, positive that the teen would leave you soon alone if you showed yourself this uncooperative a little bit longer. He didn’t seem like the patient type, after all.

Earth wormed its way beneath your fingernails as you dug them right into the soil. Earthy, rich, calming in a way you could never recreate with anything else. Not knitting, not cooking, not baking. Just dirtying your hands in the best way possible.

You were so close to believe that you managed to chase him away. But no, the boy was still there and stared at your curved neck, protected by the sunhat.

When he spoke up again, your heart plummeted through your chest, right through your feet and into the ground. “We could’ve killed you the moment we stepped onto your clearing. You know that.”

A statement, plain and simple. Still, your breath hitched and you also knew the dark-haired teen heard it. Was he threatening you? Did he just tell you that you were still in danger of just getting killed?

Hackles raised, you checked the area for the other ninjas. Alarms went off in your head when you could feel them, right in the tree line close to the herbal garden. They were waiting, preying, for whatever possible outcome this talk would have. Hidden by the shadow of your hat, you eyed the trees, right where the auras of the other shinobi were. Then, you turned fully to Sasuke, steel in your voice and jelly in the knees when you carefully selected the following words.

“Are you threatening me?”

One eyebrow was raised at your question. “No.” he answered.

“Are you sure about that? Because,” you pointed over your shoulder, right at the locations of the auras, “I can feel your friends waiting. Is that the thank-you for allowing you to stay here?”

Clearly, the teen didn’t think you would be able to feel the rest of the group. Surprise flashed over his features before he regained control over himself. The right eye started to turn red, making another alarm going off in your head when you watched how the infamous tomoe started to appear. “No one wants to hurt you,” Sasuke started, taking a step closer to the fence, “We’re just here for our mission and you’re in…”

“In the way?” you asked. “Is that what you want to say? I’m in the way? Of your important mission?”

Even without any breeze, the leaves around the clearing started to bristle. Trees whispered, the grass moved and the wood of your house groaned weak warnings to the careless boy who thought he could utter ominous threats. Bewildered, Sasuke looked around, obviously not knowing what was going on and what angered the flora to the point of muttering and moving.

“What…?” he muttered, but you cut him off. You were too angry to care about the anxiety coiling in your stomach or the vague fear in the back of your head as you stood up, with aching knees and dirty hands balled into fists.

“I knew it,” you growled, “I knew it. You’re all the same. Trying to manipulate me into giving in, to give you space. You know what? Yesterday’s agreement is revoked. Leave this clearing, leave this forest. There’s nothing here for you.”

Sasuke tried to step closer to the fence, right arm reaching out to warily lay over the covered wood of the fence, but when the leaves bristled and shook like a heavy storm shook the plant, he instantly jerked backwards. “We don’t want to hurt you,” he started, voice calm like he wanted to sooth a wild horse back into submission, “They’re just up in the trees to watch. This is not an attack and we’re grateful that you gave us time here. Don’t do this. We’re here for-!”

Don’t do this, do that instead. Be useful for us, then we will treat you nice. Obey me, and no one will hurt you. You belong to me, I own you. You’re mine.

Everything went black for a second. A curtain fell in front of your eyes at the realization that they indeed wanted to use you again. Like you knew from the very start, like you suspected since the moment this Kakashi knocked at your door.

Of course.

It started with the earth itself. Rumbles right below the surface, cracks appeared in the dirt, rattling at the fence. The fire vines loosened, rose from their place on the fence. Like snakes, they twisted and twirled through the air, turning towards Sasuke, who only stared darkly at the plants. Wind came to life, breathed sharply through the surrounding trees, turning their endless whisper into an angry howl.

You stood in the middle of the upturning of the nature, unfazed and unbothered. Only your fists shook by your side and a ball of clashing emotions curled in your stomach, curling tighter and tighter and waiting for the release. Dangerous thoughts, a dangerous situation.

It would be so easy. So goddamn easy to shake them all out of their trees. So easy to attack them.

They would be able to defend themselves.

Good. For the first time, some worthy targets.

No. They could just wait my attacks out and then come for the retaliation when I’m tired. In every scenario, they would win. I can’t attack them.

In the back of your mind, you were aware that the other three shinobi climbed out of their hiding spots. The climb down was hard, the bark rippling beneath their fingers like quicksand. They were wary, of course, they should be, confused, what is happening, and anticipating a fight, I’m still not sure about that.

They joined Sasuke. Naruto, blond boy with the monstrous aura, Sakura, all girl and smile but wearing a grim mask on her features and Kakashi, the hardened soldier. One or even two you could take on, but all of them…

Abruptly, the ball in your stomach vanished. The wind died down, the trees stopped to howl, the vines hung again from the fence like they didn’t shake their leaves at the intruders only moments ago and the earth was silent like always. Your breath thundered heavily through the air as you consciously made the effort to loosen your fists. You could feel new rivers of blood running down your fingers, caused by too sharp and too long fingernails digging into your palm.

They were a unit. A unit you couldn’t overcome, not like this, not with them being like… this. Standing together and creating something you shied away from and at the same time, longed for, deep down in your soul.

Just when you opened your mouth to say something, tiredness washed over your body. Suddenly, your knees gave away, staggering, swaying, until you caught your balance again. Dark spots danced in your eyes, dizziness blurring your vision otherwise. One hand flew up to press to your forehead, while your body swayed back and forth.

It has been a long time since I used my powers to this extent. Fuck.

“This,” you breathed and looked up, “is my last warning. Go away. You’re not welcome anymore. Search for another place to stay, but don’t expect me to roll over when you try to come for me. It will be a losing battle, that much I’m aware of. But…” With a little sigh, your spine straightened. Still swaying slightly, but standing in front of the intruders, you glared at them, the sunhat and dirty clothes not saying anything about the “gift” you had been blessed with, but which the shinobi experienced by now in all its dangerous potential. “But I won’t be the only one to lose.”

No one answered. Only a natural breeze ruffled in the trees around you, until you shook your head and stumbled away. Only the hip-high fence protected you from any kind of attack, but even when your back was turned towards the shinobi, not one jutsu was thrown your way.

Only bewildered and fearful stares. And the fearful ones seemed even worse to you than the first.

Chapter Text

That evening you fell into bed, already out of it when your head hit the pillow. It had really been sometime since you used your powers to this extent, moving the whole area around you against any physical order. The dreamless darkness of your sleep didn’t help though against the massive headache splitting your head nearly open when you woke up the next morning. Your throat was unbearably dry, eyes swollen and nose blocked and when you felt, with a shaking hand for your forehead, the skin felt suspiciously warm. You knew the signs, knew what caused them. It was punishment for overusing your gift, nothing less.

From experience you knew it would take a while to recover from these signs, as well as at least six different treatments and a travel to the hidden hot springs to get rid of the ache nestled in your bones.

Despite all the inconveniences, you dragged your tired body out of the bed. Shuffled for your slippers, angled tiredly for your robe and wrapped the fabric around you and wobbled over to the fire. Today, you had to manually rekindle it, with trembling, weak and cold fingers. All the while, your head pounded like a dozen horses decided it was a good idea to trample right on your skull. When you closed your eyes, it only seemed to worsen. Every pound, every wave grew stronger, the dizziness becoming almost unbearable after mere seconds and a few more ragged breaths.

You hated it. Hated, absolutely hated it. This all too familiar feeling, the sickness, the dizziness… All of that. The heat of the fire didn’t help, only made you nearly gag when smoke crawled into your throat. For a very short moment, you could feel how vomit crawled upwards, right through your throat into your mouth. Your breaths started to tremble from your efforts not to puke right into the freshly started fire, which warmed a little bit the coldness inside your very being.

I have to stay indoors, you decided, hazy thoughts mixing with vague ideas, stay inside and recover. Maybe… This evening. Hot spring. Need to…

When the flames were flickering happily again, you stumbled around the room and tugged the curtains closed. In the process, you noticed that the camp of the shinobi vanished. Not even the fireplace they had built was there, broken down into the stones they used to rim it and the leftover wood from the campfire.

Good. One problem less that I have to take care of.

Again, your vision blurred briefly, before you walked on unsteady feet back to your bed. One day, the herbs would manage to take care of themselves. And if someone wanted treatment… Well, screw them. You came first, for once. The robe landed ungraciously on the next best stool, slippers were chucked in the vague, same direction, and you buried your shivering self beneath the blanket, teeth clicking and fingers shaking. Wrapping the blanket around yourself, trying to fight the shivers and chill, you trembled yourself into a nervous, nightmarish sleep, caused by the fever wrecking certainly through your veins.

You’re allowed in here if you lifted the packages outside. All of them.

Do the dishes. Then clean the house and the garden needs to be watered too. We have no water, so you have to get some.

You haven’t done your sold for today. No food.

What do I care if you’re sick!? You slacked off, nothing else! Sleep outside, the bed is only for children who do their work!

Why am I riddled with you? You’re nothing but a nuisance, a weight I have to drag along every meter of the way, useless and a danger for anyone else. The others should pay me for keeping you around, for having to keep up with you and your whining. “I can’t do that, I’m getting a headache!”, “My nose is bleeding!”, “I puked and there was blood in it!” Bullshit! You just want to get out of your tasks, but not with me, you lazy, useless piece of trash!

You sat in bed, chest heaving and skin lathered in sweat, clutching the too heavy blanket too your body. The pictures were still swirling through your head, more than only colors and memories. The smell of the foul puke was still in your nose, acid-rich and more stench than anything else, the metallic taste of blood was on your tongue, heavy and overbearing everything else, the sound of the angry voice so clear in your ears that you had to hum to yourself to get rid of the unpleasant words. And the pain, the pain of these years was still in your heart, soared and simmered, only to quiet down and almost vanish, to prey upon you in your weakest moments.

“It will be alright,” you singsonged, rocking yourself back and forth, “It will be alright again, it will be okay. I’m alone, I’m on my own, no one to disappoint and betray me. The forest is my home… The forest is my home…”

The world tumbled around, the usually steady floor and walls turning over, even though you sat still. With a low groan, you tried to shield your eyes from the weak light falling through the window. Was it morning again? Or late afternoon? Which day, which week?

Walk to the spring… Walk to the spring. Have to get there…

Despite the weakness ruling over your limbs, despite the fact that you felt like falling asleep any moment, you climbed out of your bed. It was the hardest task you ever had, making your way through blanket and pillow, until your too hot feet flinched away at the aura of the too cold stones. Another shiver crawled over your spine, only then, you deliberately placed them on the floor. It was a conscious hesitance, ice against the heat, but you gritted your teeth against the feeling. You wouldn’t get anywhere if something like this would make you stop from going to the hot springs.

Clothing yourself in necessary clothes went by in a haze, blurred by fever and exhaustion. You only knew that at some point, you stumbled out of your hut, on your feet the barest minimum of shoes, a long skirt and the usual sleeveless shirt. The only hint that the walk would be long and taxing was the jacket you had thrown over your shoulders, the material itching on your bare arms. The strong sunlight of a nice spring day hurt your eyes, making you squint and hiss like a blind bat. Before you left the clearing, you quickly grabbed your sunhat, shying away into the merciful shadow as soon as the loosening straw hit your head.

You knew from experience that the way was already difficult when going there healthy and in your best condition. Going there sick and with a blurring sight bordered to outline dangerous, but you already walked the path through the forest so many times that you believed you would even find your way with your eyes closed. Adding to your confidence was the fact that you only needed minimal use of your gift to get to your goal, closer and closer to the mountains which grew only a few miles away from your hut.

A few miles. Strange. Today, it sounded like a walk around the world.

The first hour was eventless. You stumbled and wobbled through the forest, feet steadily trained on the barely visible path you had created yourself by your many visits in the fall and mild winter. When your head started to pound, you made a quick break at the river, drinking until your stomach felt almost uncomfortably full and your lips didn’t crack anymore with a simple breath of yours.

The second hour was slightly more taxing. By now, your feet hurt even through the well-worn shoes. You could feel every pebble on your way, every single twig and every single bundle of grass. But maybe it was just the fever speaking.

The third hour was the worst. There was no river nearby and the drink you had two hours ago was long gone. Your nose was blocked, sweat running down your body and your knees buckled with every step of the way. Every second step, you had to stop, lean against a tree and close your eyes, just to fight the nausea and the pain within your bones. Even your eyes seemed to throb with the beats of your heart, nearly jumping out of their sockets.

“It’s hard,” you mumbled, “It’s hard, but I can do it. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can-!”

Rustling of leaves caught your attention. Startled, your head flew up, what caused another wave of pain and dizziness to break over your mind. That wasn’t a normal breeze. Not an animal either. Too close to you and even though the animals knew to not be scared of your presence, they were still wild. They would never come this close.

Humans? Not that high up. Except…

A low growl rose in your throat. These damn shinobi! Couldn’t they just fuck off when they were asked to and not dig into your privacy any further? The headache intensified suddenly, what caused you to gasp and drop. Hammers, pounding behind your eyelids. Hooves, ringing in your ears. Your chest heaved, tried to draw in more air, more precious, necessary air. Not enough, not fast enough. You found yourself on your knees, hands pressed to your face and screaming, screaming to the heavens and to hell, screaming to the pain and to the trees. Low howls of an animal, caused by pain and the fever, the confusion and absolute frustration of being watched and preyed upon, your privacy invaded and violated.

“How many times, how many times do I have to beg?” Your shouts echoed through the surrounding trees, thrown further by the bark and leaves. “Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leavemealoneleavemealoneleavemealone, what’s so hard to fucking understand!?”

No one answered.

Of course, they don’t. Too embarrassed to be caught in the act.

You didn’t check for them with your senses. It would only increase the headache, make walking even more difficult. More rapid breaths in and out, until you clawed your weak fingers into the bark. Centimeter for centimeter, you managed to get yourself up onto your own two feet. A few more seconds, just waiting, just standing still. Then, after more shallow gasps for air and scraping your hands raw, you pushed yourself off of the tree and continued your way.

The hot springs weren’t far anymore. You knew, knew it by heart. You could almost hear the weak whispering of the water, the bubbling and quiet sizzling. The ground changed; from grass and loose, dark earth to stone and rubble, loose stones beneath your feet. Not far away anymore, just a few more minutes…

You stumbled further, faster, knees weakening with every step. Nausea bubbled in your stomach, the vomit climbing up your throat. Heavy heaves shook your body, more gasping, more unsteady scrambling of feet, until you finally keeled over. Your throat contracted, spewing stomach acid on the earth. The foul smell assaulted your nose, causing you retch even more. There was nothing in your stomach, but you still couldn’t stop acid spilling over, the rattling of your knees and the constricting of your throat, the dry choking and the breaths like you had run a marathon.

Well, at least the worst is over now.

Shaky laughter mixed into the last waves of retching, making you sound like the crazy woman you surely were on the inside. An old witch, living in the woods, all alone and inscrutable. No one was able to touch you, and that was good. Safe. Everything you ever wanted.

The soft ‘thud’ in your back made the laughter stop, just a few giggles floated out of your mouth. There they were, good old Samaritans, always ready to hold the hand of a sick woman who couldn’t stand the friendly touch of a gentle person.

“Ninja are supposed to hear everything,” you wheezed, “So, count me surprised to realize that you in particular seem to be deaf to the bones.”

Kakashi’s eyes were creased in an invisible grin. “Says the one who can’t even make one straight step.”

Another snotty giggle fell. “A pot calling the kettle… You know the drill.”

“Time for the pot and kettle to work together, don’t you think?”

“The fuck they do.”

“Really eloquent.”

Your fingers felt cold when you wiped with the back of your hand over your mouth, hopefully getting rid of the leftover vomit clinging to your chin. “My aim isn’t to be eloquent, shinobi. What’s your business stalking me?”

This time, it was Sakura speaking up, her gloved hands clutched together in a knot of trembling fingers. “We were worried about you. You didn’t come out when we left and when you finally did, it seemed like you were sick. We just wanted to make sure you were alright and would reach your destination…”

“Means you have to satisfy your good-human needs on me,” you snorted dryly, “Understood.”

Angry wrinkles appeared on her forehead, but the girl had better control over herself than you had currently. Only the groan of her gloves told about the anger filling her stomach when she again tried to reason with you, voice calm and collected. “Guilty as charged. No, it is my responsibility as a medic ninja to make sure that everyone is treated properly. And you look very, very sick. What happened?”

Sakura took a tiny step closer and you instantly tensed up. “My health is not your concern, just like I’m not butting into your business!” you hissed. You tried to frantically scramble away, but you were still too weak. The fever didn’t lessen, even though the headache did a tiny little bit. Not enough to not give the girl a deathly glare, followed by another hopefully deathly glare at the other group members. “For the very last time. I. Don’t. Want. Your. Help. I don’t need it. I’m fine on my own. I don’t care about your mission or anything what has to do with that. Inclusively all of that,” you gestured vaguely towards the group, “That I don’t wish to see anymore. Otherwise, I might puke right onto your little, fashionable sandals.”

You weren’t too sure, but you thought you heard the black-haired boy snort weakly.

Naruto, who had been quiet until now, stepped forward. The girl tried to hold him back, but no matter how deadly your glare grew, step for step, he inched closer, his unbearable blue eyes directly set on your shaking figure. “You know,” he started and for the first time you actually believed that he wasn’t a child in the body of a teenager, “I was once like you. Abandoned, disliked, lonely. But there was one person who reached out to me. Just one person, then I met more people, more friends. I want to be that person for you. You don’t have to be alone any longer. Let me be your friend, believe it.”

Only one meter parted him from you, one hand outstretched and palm facing the blue sky above. Just as blue as the cerulean eyes you stared at. “Please,” he begged again, “I want to be your friend. We want to be your friends. And we want to help, believe it.”

Help. Help from a bunch of strangers. The words to reject them were already on your tongue, harsh, incredibly mean words to drive them away, once and for all. Solitude was already waving in the distance, rapidly approaching and greeting you in its familiar arms.

You were so close to be free. So close to be alone again, so close. So close. And yet… Yet, you couldn’t speak these words out loud, couldn’t say them into these hopeful, sky-blue eyes. Despite the dislike of people, you couldn’t push these eyes away. They were without a hint of ill intent, without a shadow living in them. There was no lie, nothing to unravel.

He was serious.

He thinks he’s being serious. He’s not aware of his lie.

The bad thought lingered in your head like the root of the weeds you regularly plucked out of the clean earth for your herbs. Still, you didn’t protest when Naruto took the last step towards you, closing the distance fully. His hand was outstretched, palm still opened in an invitation. For you. An invitation for you.

Later on, you blamed the fever that made you reach out with trembling fingers and grip into the surprisingly strong hand. The boy beamed at you, smile brighter than the sun itself, before slowly and gently tugging you onto your own two feet. Your stomach churned again, but not out of nausea, not out of the unwelcomed feeling of being watched. It was softer, warmer, something entirely else than the empty, cold-!

As soon as you stood again (shakily, but you stood) you let go of the warm hand, even wiped your palm off on your skirt, before turning without a word of thanks away. One step at a time, one nice gesture you could accept per day.

If Naruto was hurt by your more than obvious disgust, he didn’t show it. Instead, his voice carried over, even when you tried to stumble further away, further away from the niceness and friendliness oozing from the group.

“Where are you going? Will you make it?”

I don’t know. Will I?

Of course, you will.

But… Will I?

…I don’t know.

Your mouth ran off before your brain could actively decide what to do. It was still the fever talking, the daze and haze speaking when you wanted nothing more than to stay silent. “There’s… there’s a hot spring. Just a ten-minute walk ahead. I… I wanted to go there. Get some… get some rest.” you whispered. A short glance over your shoulder and Naruto’s blue eyes cut straight through your heart. “I… I think I will make it. Thank you for your concern.”

Your words felt hollow even when you believed them wholeheartedly. You would make it. You already managed to walk this path, in much worse conditions than you were in currently. And still… There was a pause before you nodded. A pause the shinobi surely noticed, before they mumbled something positive and encouraging. There was a white noise in your ears, whispering and murmuring inaudible words, but you shook your head and the noise was gone. Only the soft ruffle of branches and leaves behind you and the faint blubbering of water in the distance kept you upright as you stumbled forward, going on and on and on.

The rest of the way floated by in delirium. Nothing really mattered except for the knowledge that you could soon sink yourself into the blessed heat of the water, soak the minerals in and relax, until all the anger and tension of the last days would be gone.

Hopefully.

I just want to forget. I just… I just want to be alone.

The tension, the strained nerves over the last days, the constant proximity of people… It had been too much. Just too much. Now, maybe, you could relax a little bit, close your eyes and feel the loneliness in the deepest depths of the forest.

Only three more steps, then the forest opened suddenly. A little open field at the foot of the mountain, slightly going upwards. But you could already see the water from your point of view, the rising steam and the heat sliding like a blanket over your skin. Muddy water, true, a strange pale, yellowy color. But you knew from experience that the mud had a lot of great attributes, including a cleansing of the skin and natural healing abilities which would open your blocked nose, while the steam would sooth your dry throat and lips.

While you half-climbed, half-walked the last few meters up, your hands already flew to the rims of the skirt and tugged at the fabric. When you stood at the edge of the naturally formed round, you started to undress with aching fingers and weak knees. The skirt was the first to go, then the sunhat. The shirt, fabric sweaty and dirty. The shoes were toed off, and you stood only in your underwear in the forest. Ready to dive into the water, but not before you stripped out of your underwear too.

Completely naked, you stood in the cooling air. From the front, the heat caressed your feverish hot-cold skin, from behind, goosebumps peppered your back. First, one foot, then the other. Carefully, you sunk into the bath, enjoying every centimeter of covered skin, until you could sit on the not-so-naturally created step, edged into the stone and earth of the hot spring.

You were covered from the toes to your shoulders and you sighed lowly in satisfaction. Yes, this was perfection. Simply perfect. The deep ache in your bones already started to fade, like a bad afterthought of a forgotten nightmare. Another sigh dropped from your lips as you closed your eyes. The back of your head hit the edge as you let yourself relax. All the muscles in your body went slack. Everything blacked out. A third, deep sigh rumbled through your body and with the exhale, the last remains of the constant nervousness and tension left through your mouth.

It was maybe early afternoon when you arrived at the hot spring, so it was no big surprise to wake up to the darkening sky and the first blinking stars. The headache was gone, though not completely. There was still a little twinge right between your eyes, but you could easily ignore that in comparison to the almighty porcupine which had danced only a few hours ago through your head. The weight of the imaginative bricks on your shoulders was also gone, together with the faint ache in your joints and limbs. You definitely felt better than before. Exactly like you planned. Exactly like you expected. Slowly and still carefully to not shake the newly acquired state of health, you climbed out of the natural pool. The cooler air caressed your wet skin and for some moments, you just closed your eyes and enjoyed the sounds of nature, without the pounding headache in the back of your head.

Then, you remembered the hazy meeting with the group of shinobi. The small offering of peace and the very small recuperation you gave them. Instantly, the good mood flew away, erased by the mere memory.

“Gods…” Embarrassment burned in your chest as you clasped your hands together in front of your face. They had seen you in an incredibly weak moment and probably used that to their advantage. And you couldn’t even blame them for that. For the last two, three days you had pushed them away with a fire you were sure they hadn’t expected from you. Just to break together as soon when the first signs of backlash of your gift hit.

Great. Just… Just fucking great. I will fucking regret it, I’m a hundred percent sure.

Stepping to your clothes, you shook your whole body to get rid of the rest of the water clinging to your skin. Drops of the muddy water flew everywhere, splattering over the nearby ground. Nothing touched your clothes, though. An invisible force stopped every droplet, before it could hit the flimsy fabric.

Your gift was back. The headache intensified for a second, only to go back to the hollow, occasional pounding, nothing more. Good. Tomorrow after a good dose of sleep, you would be back at full strength and could go on with your life like nothing ever happened.

Except…

Everything comes back to the damn shinobi.

Quickly, you pulled your clothes again over your body, all the while, you stretched out your senses to check if anybody was in the close proximity. And they were there, hovering close to the outer radius of your inner radar, waiting. Watching?

“I know you’re there.” You shouted into the woods. Sure, you were already halfway decently closed again, the underwear clinging like a second skin to your body, when you worked on slipping into the sleeveless top. “Quit creeping and show your faces when you’re already jerking off to the sight. At least, I will also have something from this.”

Hands placed in the crook of your hips and head held high, you waited. Single, still wet strands fell into your face and with a determined swipe, you wiped them out of your vision. They were coming. You could feel them.

Only a few seconds later, leaves rustled as a telltale sign of arrival. Four shadows jumped out of the trees and landed at the foot of the little hill, maybe only three or four meters away. With all the false arrogance and confidence you could muster, you looked down on these people, demanding without a word an explanation for their continued stalking on your person.

The first one to speak was Kakashi, his black eyes not one bit straying from your face, in total comparison to Naruto, who had a red face from the very moment he came into your point of view.

“We have to apologize yet again. I can assure you, we didn’t…” He coughed weakly. “We didn’t see anything which would be an invasion of your innermost privacy.”

“Yeah!” Naruto chimed in, nodding and still avoiding to look into the vague direction of your body. “Nothing, nothing at all! Believe it!”

“I actually demanded that we stayed,” Sakura stepped forward, the medical professionality oozing out of every pore, “when you fell asleep. Sleeping in hot water over an extended amount of time is very dangerous and I wanted to make sure you would make it out alive. So, we kept watch. Don’t worry,” she broke into a smile, “I made sure none of the boys would sneak a peek when you came out.”

That one of her “boys” was a grown man and probably above her in skill and sneakiness wasn’t one bit considered by the girl. You glared at Kakashi, who only rubbed the back of his neck and smiled full of awkward apology. Suspicious, all of them. But there was no lie or ill intent in her words. After you rejected them again and again, and they came back again and again with nothing but friendly gestures and careful approaches, you couldn’t hold anything against them anymore what would explain your resentful behavior.

You nodded slowly while the decision in your mind grew. “Okay.”

Confused happiness spread on the girl’s features when you didn’t lash out, didn’t threaten or insulted them in a badly hidden way. “Okay,” she echoed, probably not knowing what to do now that she came that far, “Uhm… Yeah. Okay, sure! Good to see you’re feeling better again.”

“Yes. I do.” You bent over and picked up the skirt, quickly spreading the fabric over your bare legs so that none of the male parts of her group could stare at them any longer. “I appreciate the effort.”

“No problem.”

Silence. Awkward silence. Not that you were bothered by it. Humming quietly to yourself, you slipped into the last bits of your clothing laying around. The skirt clung a little bit to your legs due to the still residing wetness and you didn’t even bother with the shoes. You enjoyed the feeling of the bare earth between your toes far too much. Instead, you picked the two slippers up and held them by your side, all the while placing the other hand again in the crook of your hip. The group was incredibly weirded out by your silence, but you just knew they still wanted to ask something. You even knew what they wanted to ask, but giving them an easy start would be too much. So, you waited. Waiting was your only acknowledgement of their friendly gestures. Otherwise, you had been gone the moment you felt their presences on your radar.

It was Kakashi who brought up the topic, eyes down casted on the pages of a book with a bright-orange cover, a happily laughing couple on the front. “So… Would you be open to accept us again on your clearing? It’s a pretty good base for us to work from, but I would also understand if you would still decline.”

“We would be silent!” Naruto promised. “Totally, believe it!”

“As an apology, I could leave you some of my experimental balms.” Sakura offered, already fiddling with the bag at her side. “That means, only if you want.”

A pause erupted, until Naruto shoved his elbow into the flank of Sasuke. The boy grunted, before rolling his eyes and saying his without a doubt prepared text. “If it’s necessary, I could get some wood for your fireplace. It’s my job anyway, so it wouldn’t be a hassle.”

“You see…” With a little clap, Kakashi closed his book and smiled with closed eyes at you. “We’re willing to pay a… A fee, if you will. For the right to put our tents on the clearing. The kids already stated their price, so…”

“What will you pay me, Kakashi?” you interrupted. On the inside, a shit eating grin grew. “What has an elite ninja to offer to a civilian who has everything she needs to survive?”

“Uhm… My valuable presence?”

“Do I look like the type of woman who would give a fuck about your presence?”

“Intellectual talks which will expand our minds?”

“You would profit more from that than me.”

“Maybe a smile?” the man asked, pointing at his masked, lower face.

Before you could interject or deflect his ridiculous offer once more, the teens jumped in. And to your surprise, they jumped to your defense, glaring at their sensei and in Naruto’s case, also pouting.

Sakura crossed her arms over her chest, her sea-green eyes squinted at her defiant teacher. “Kakashi-sensei, we all talked about this…”

The man sighed lowly, but didn’t answer.

“Yeah, you had something else for her!” The blond boy waved his arms around, face twisted in annoyance. “Come on, just get them out and get over with it!”

Get THEM out? Get over with IT? What the…?

Your eyebrows rose the longer you followed the discussion going on. The teenagers had totally forgotten that you stood right in front of them, all of them talking and glaring at the grey-haired man (except for Sasuke, but to make up for his lack of talking, he glared even more fiercely at Kakashi). Their voices mixed together, mashed and intermingled, rose higher and higher, until the older man sighed and his shoulders dropped visibly. “Fine, fine,” he grumbled, all the while he reached inside his vest, “No respect for your teacher. Altogether.”

You stood on your tiptoes to take a look at the mysterious object. A scroll, if your eyes didn’t fool you. A scroll? What could be inside?

Kakashi formed some hand signs, too quick for your eyes to follow. Then, he slammed his palm on the seal in the middle of the white scroll. Smoke emerged, much thicker than the steam in your back. Against your will, you took a little step closer. You were intrigued. The smoke cleared quickly and in the middle of all, right beneath Kakashi’s flat palm…

“I take them.” Hungrily, you stared at the books in front of you. One of the little luxury items you would always look out for when you had to go into the village. Books were one of the only things you could do when nothing else was to do, for example in the middle of winter or at an exceptionally stormy day. Reading a book at your fireplace, hurdled away under a blanket and a tea by your side. You didn’t care what it was, if now educational or any kind of fiction. Books meant forgetting about the world around you. Books meant experiencing new things. Books meant acceptance. You would take a book any day over a human, without a doubt in your mind.

Kakashi whined, a sound you didn’t think that the honorable shinobi was able to make, all the while cradling the spines of the books like his life depended on it. “I haven’t finished Icha-Icha-Paradise yet! Give me just two days, no, one day, then I can give you-!”

“All of them. Now.” The inside smirk broke free and with all the confidence you had, you stretched your hand out. “And no delays.”

The sadistic side of you would’ve loved to hear the ninja beg and wither in agony a bit more, but after a quick glance at his team, who gave him a mix of annoyed glares and exasperated sighs, he sealed the books again in the scroll and pulled the strings around the paper tight. “Here,” he mumbled and threw the scroll at you, “that’s my fee. Apparently.”

Without a motion, you caught the scroll mid-air. It stopped right in front of your face, hovering and waiting, until the paper gently lowered itself into your waiting hands. Sure, you weren’t able to open the seal, something the shinobi probably wasn’t aware of, but with some time, you could break the seal. There was an old and worn-down book somewhere in your hut, spine broken and letters faded by the years, but seals never changed much, right? Somehow, you would break them. Even if it would take years. But going to the shinobi again and begging them to open up the scroll? No way.

“Thank you for your payment.” Still smirking, you placed the sunhat on your wet hair. The weight of the scroll was reassuring and promise at your side and your fingers itched to open it again. “Well, now that this is cleared up, I would like to go home.”

You didn’t bat their stunned presence an eye when you strolled past them, head held high and not caring about the surprised “Hey!” of Naruto when you nearly collided with him. But he stumbled out of your way, all awkward teenage-clumsiness with too long arms and legs.

A fee, huh?

Why not? Better to be paid than to be pestered.

They never promised to leave you alone. And this Kakashi-guy doesn’t look too happy that I took his books.

Bad for him. He should get in line, though. I’m more interested in these books…

Would they be educational? Would they teach you about the history of a famous big shinobi-village? Or were they about these jutsus they used on a daily base? Maybe some fiction? Happy with the day in itself, you strolled further into the forest, further out of sight and towards your home, humming and sometimes even weakly singing to yourself. A hand always laid over the bump at your side, protecting the scroll pressed against your skin with all the instinctive defenses you possessed.

Chapter Text

“Is this really alright, Kakashi-sensei?” Over the years, Naruto learned a few things and one of them was to actually whisper. Kakashi didn’t want to think if Jiraiya taught him that to not get caught while peeping into a hot spring or if someone else had taken the matter into his or her own hands to teach the blond about the concept of secrecy. “I mean, setting up our camp only a few hours after she gave us the permission to do so… She’s still pretty scary, even though she lets us stay, apparently…”

“Don’t talk too much and help with the tents.” In passing, Sakura chimed in. On her shoulder was one of the light packages for her single tent. “Yours and Sasuke’s still needs to be prepared!”

“But Sakura-chan… We both only have one arm! We possibly can’t build the-!”

“You have an artificial one, so don’t give me these cheap lies!”

“But… Sakura-chaaaaaaan!”

Kakashi simply ignored their familiar banter. Instead, he continued to stare at the dimly lit, yet tightly shut and covered windows of the wooden house, where the inhabitant was probably busy breaking the seal to free his books.

And oh, how much she had wanted them. He had seen it in the sparkle in her eyes when he pulled them out of his scroll, the little upwards-pull of her lips, the little softening of her features. Since Kakashi met the “Witch of the Woods” (like the people in the next village had called her), he hadn’t seen her once without an angry, scared or nervous face.

Until today.

Her whole face had lightened up as she stared hungrily at the written words, fighting off the easily displayed suspicion and wariness. With her wet hair clinging to her cheeks and neck, not ashamed of her barely covered body and still nervous at the sight of four strangers, she had looked more like a supernatural being than a human. Kakashi was incredibly…

He sighed lowly. Intrigued. Just admit it. Intrigued.

Yes, indeed intrigued. As a shinobi, the copy ninja had seen a lot of people with trust issues. Weapons hidden in a children-filled living room, a cold exterior, snarky comments in the face of friendly smiles. He had seen every single of these things and so much more, lived through some of them too. But never he faced someone this extreme, who hid herself away in the woods and got angry when bothered only in the slightest.

Her rejection of every approach, every contact… Kakashi sighed once more, his eyes never leaving the window. It was a little bit frustrating, and together with the goal they wanted to achieve, needed to achieve… Without a doubt, a difficult situation they were in. The meadow was a perfect spot to carry out their mission, to set up their tents and hunt for food if it was necessary to stay longer than anticipated. And at the moment, it pretty much seemed like they had to extend their stay. If not for the rude and rightfully angry attitude of the Witch, everything could’ve already been solved.

Wasn’t there a shadow wandering up and down, right behind the thin and flimsy curtains? Not stopping, just… Just wandering, up and down, up and down. He was leaning against a tree, while his younger students bantered still in the distance and the fresh breeze of spring ran through his hair like the fingers of a lover.

Kakashi sighed for a third time, before hiding his face again behind the cover of the last book he managed to safe for himself. Not that I had any comparison. Just a flowery expression straight out of one of Jiraiya’s books.

His thoughts wandered again off, back to the interesting person living this deep in the forest, all alone and independent. The Witch of the Woods. A fitting title. Especially with that power…

A strange and dangerous one. Kakashi never had seen anything like that. Apparently, she was able to control anything, exact range unknown, but probably in a radius of nine to ten meters, only with her mind. Measured at the backlash she suffered under today, she could only use it sparingly or for little things. So, it had its rules and definitions, therefore, was not almighty.

One part of his brain was still analyzing the witch’s ability in a battle, but the other was busy recalling the way the woman looked like emerging from the hot springs. A nymph, wet and tempting and just incredibly... To say it became hot beneath his mask and clothes would be an understatement. Yes, he managed to sneak a peek past the suspicious eyes of Sakura and instantly regretted it.

Not because it was morally wrong. Peeping at a nameless woman who only hours ago seemed very close at death’s door and getting a little bit aroused by it, that was what bothered the copy ninja the most. Even though a lot of people thought he would use the same underhanded tactics of Jirayia to gain a little peak at a naked woman, his father taught him better than that. No, Kakashi settled with his imagination and the pictures painted by his favorite author, thank you very much.

But the witch had surprised him, once more. Totally unashamed of herself, carrying her naked body with the same confidence the Daimyo’s wife would carry the most expensive fabrics, and understandably enraged at the invasion of her privacy, she had noticed a bunch of high-level shinobi hiding their chakra and physical form, and she still had been able to call them out. The cherry on top was that she obviously knew he had seen more of her than she wanted, gifting him with a death glare Kakashi hadn’t experienced since… Since a long time ago.

With another, heavy sigh, Kakashi flipped to the next page of his beloved edition of the Icha-Icha-Tactics. The last one he carried currently, handed to him by Naruto. The other back-up edition was right now sealed away and maybe very close to being opened by a mysterious witch. One Kakashi was interested in. On a professional level, of course.

Yeah. Continue to lie into your own pockets there. It will totally work.

Only on a professional level. It would be nice to know her name, though…

Of course.

Was it worrisome that even his own thoughts were dripping with sarcasm?

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The seal was stubborn. Huffing lowly, you stared at that offending piece of paper with the elegant swirl of unknown letters, spread over the surface of your wonky table. The old book about seals was sitting right beside the scroll, but the more you paged back and forth through the pages, the more the frustration in your stomach grew. There was nothing about breaking a seal without the usage of chakra in this book, just with chakra it seemed possible. Again, your fingers flipped through the section about erasing and releasing seals. Two mere pages, not more.

Maybe it’s too old. Maybe back when the book was printed, they didn’t yet discover the possibility of opening a seal without chakra…

Damn. Can I get the books on my own?

Maybe, maybe not. Depends.

On my own control. Yeah. I know.

There’s still the possibility of asking…

No. Under all circumstances, no. I already took too much from them. They shouldn’t get any ideas.

A last straw?

No. Not even that. I will do this alone.

They were outside. You could feel them in the back of your head, walking around and preparing their tents and recreating the fireplace. One of them was a stable point on your imagined map, just sitting in a perfect point to watch your house. The soldier, Kakashi. He was watching whatever he could watch from behind closed curtains, what certainly included your restless up and down over the warmed-up stone.

Subconsciously, you scowled at the worn-out fabric. Another thing you had to renew when you would make a trip down to the village. Soon, measured at the slow dwindling of your resources.

Soon. A dreaded and all too soon “soon”.

I know. But there’s no way around it. The doctor needs herbs and I also need a few things.

I wish I could make everything on my own instead of going there. These ignorant, egoistical…

Don’t. It’s too late. What happened can’t be changed. Forget about it.

I can’t. Not when they can’t forget.

The old dilemma. With a tired sigh, you reached up and started to massage your temples. A useless attempt to erase the last bits of the headache, but the gesture alone allowed you to calm a little bit down. Enough to close the book with an apologetic smile and glare at the stubborn scroll once more, before stripping out of your slightly wet clothes and arrange them close to the gently warming fireplace. Your joints popped loudly in the silence as you stretched, arms above your head and muscles sighing throughout the last remains of the morning-pain in your bones. Tomorrow, it would be alright. You would be alright again.

If not for the damn shinobi!

You wanted to be angry at them for intruding your space once more. You tried to summon the earlier anger when you thought about the three tents outside, the four people rummaging through the woods and disturbing the peace of the forest. But, even when you slipped into the merciful warmth of the blankets and closed your eyes, you couldn’t find the previous emotions in you.

Annoying brats.

Annoying brats with a consciousness and morals.

Bah, morals. Who needs them?

Shut up, negative thoughts. It’s nice to have for once, a few new things without having to take the long walk to the village. And the extra wood is also appreciated.

…Fine. Just this once.

An absentminded wave of your fingers and the curtains opened the tiniest bit. The cold light of the full moon immediately drew a slim line on the stone, all the while the fire seemed to die down. The flames lessened, until only the fiery glimmer of the coal was left.

Tomorrow’s problems for tomorrow’s you. In this case, a well-meant and good-natured advice which made you sigh lowly once more, before closing your eyes for good.

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Another nice day. The sun standing high on the sky and burning onto your back. The sunhat was again neatly settled on your head, the arms coated in the slick balm to protect the bare skin from the merciless sun and the nearly healed palm still protected by leaves and strings. This time, the earth needed to be sprinkled with a special mix of soil, inducted with a few extra ingredients which would be stimulating for the growth and development of your beloved herbs. Accordingly, the work wasn’t the most pleasant one. The scent was pretty intense, especially after two hours passed and the mix warmed up.

You were kneeling in between a big bunch of marigolds and the, in comparison, almost invisible wide plantain, when you felt the presence of two shinobi closing in. You only rolled your eyes towards the sky, before digging your hand again into the bucket you carried with by your side and carefully spread the mix in a wide circle around the deep orange flower. Lob worms wiggled between your fingers, probably thankful that you gave them back to the earth.

You didn’t address the two teens in your back, who still waited for any sign of acknowledgement from you. The marigold leaned into your hand as you caressed the bright orange flower, before you kneeled without a worry into an empty space and did the same to the wide plantain. You needed to take extra good care of this one. Wide plantain was extremely useful for…

“Excuse me…” The voice of Sakura floated over, which caused you to stop every movement. “What’s that good for? Isn’t that just some kind of weed?”

“What are they teaching in Konoha?” Angrily, you gestured over your shoulder, while your other hand still caressed the plain green leaves of the small plant. “This so-called “weed” is a powerful ally if you know how to use it right.”

“I’ve never seen it in the greenhouses back home.”

“Just because you’ve never seen it in the greenhouses,” automatically, your face wrinkled in disgust, “doesn’t mean it has no medical purpose.”

Greenhouses. Just another way of the people to keep the wild and untamed nature in check and abiding to their ever-changing will. No way they had nothing but the fanciest, most exotic herbs and flowers in their arboretums, ready to be harvested all year around. Preserving and drying herbs was an art in your opinion, and not many people in the big cities practiced that art these days.

Steps in your back and you flinched around. Of course, it couldn’t have been Naruto waiting alongside Sakura. The blond would’ve started whining the very second he saw the fence with the dangerous fire vine. No, Sasuke was accompanying the girl and one look at the rosy cheeks of the girl and even with your limited experience with people and their complicated relationships, you could see what was going on between these two.

Of course, she’s hunting after the brooding teen. Why cut the trouble short and go for the happy-go-lucky-idiot who would probably kiss the ground she walks on?

Yeah, exactly. Because feelings are a bitch.

With a snort, you turned again to the task at hand. It wasn’t your problem, not your place to stick your nose into somebody else’s business. You didn’t even like them, to hell and back.

They both stood close to the fence, Sakura closer than Sasuke, who was more watching out for the trees around them. Watching for danger, like the groomed soldier and survivor he was, probably. Begrudgingly, you had to respect his priorities. You would’ve done the same as the teen.

Sakura started to speak again and you were indeed so annoyed to be disturbed again that you sighed out loudly, all the while praying silently to the heavens that you wouldn’t regret your decision to accept their payment in the next few minutes. “I’ve read a book about the usages of the marigold for skin treatment, acne and such, but never actually used them in the hospital.”

“Because it’s more of a long-term treatment solution. Marigold needs time and patience, both things hospitals probably have no time for.” The words came faster than you could stop yourself. You didn’t mean to talk so much, but when you turned to the two young shinobi, you just adjusted the fit of your sunhat before going off once more, in a grumpy, gnarly tone you would really expect of a witch, not a normal human being. “Marigold is not only useful for acne, it also can soothe your skin if you spent too long under the sun. A tea made out of marigold is great for digestive problems and for varices, even though it doesn’t taste that good. It’s also a natural antiseptic, means I can use it without a worry on cuts and wounds to avoid infections.”

“And wide plantain? How is a weed useful you can find in any garden?”

“Don’t be so ignorant!” you hissed. “It’s plain, yes, but don’t underestimate weeds just because they are considered little more than garbage! Again, another great antiseptic if used in bandages and balms, just as much as a mild pain reliever for wounds. Insect bites in all varieties can be treated, and a tea can also help with digestive problems. But if you eat the leaves just like this,” to prove your point, you tugged one gently off the main plant and placed it in your mouth, “is a help against gout. One leaf per day helps to keep the pain at bay.”

Only the bitter taste was a bit of a downside, but you kept that from Sakura. Instead, you smiled thinly at the girl and her silent companion (a guard, you realized), before swallowing the leaf with a last, biting word. “If you just would open your eyes, shinobi, to all the offers the nature has to make to you. But no, you can rely on your chakra to heal yourself and others. Lesser people have to use other methods to get by, especially when no fancy medic is nearby.”

Shock flashed over her features at your sudden mean words, before she hid the traitorous emotion behind a soft smile. “Yeah, well, thank you for the reminder. I’m well aware of the fact that the poorer and more rural villages have no choice but to rely on self-taught doctors and people like you, who dedicate their lives to herbs and their medical usage. Tsunade-sama is working on expanding our knowledge and general healthcare over the Fire country, but it’s a slow and straining process which is obviously taking a while. Until then, I’m not above learning new things,” she gestured towards the neat rows of medical herbs, “Or more accurate, learning old things anew. Our current medicine was after all based on the potions of our ancestors, who used the same herbs you’re cultivating.”

You wanted to snark back, just out of instinct, but then, the girl reached into her bag. Out of instinct, you grabbed a hand of soil, ready to throw it into her face for a little distraction. But to your surprise, she just tugged out a notebook and pen, flipping it open and readying the pen with a determined move of her thumb. “Would you be willing to repeat the usages of the marigold and wide plantain for me, please? I would like to write a report about new and old herbs, and propose some additions to our local providers and cultivators. For example, what is the ratio of the soil you use? What kind of nutrients did you put in there?”

Serious, sea-green eyes met yours, glaring at the girl from beneath the wide rim of the sunhat. She wasn’t one to be deterred, not by your harsh demeanor and not by mean words. No, instead, she was more than willing to ignore all of your comments and all of your rejections, just to study herbs further, with the goal in mind to share her knowledge with the people back in her home and spreading the good herbs could do.

I have to watch out. If that continues, I will fall over myself to help these kids out.

Damn unwilling respect. Well, I can acknowledge her willingness to learn, at least.

With a wave of your finger, the fire vines made space for the girl to place her hands on the withered wood. “Get in here,” you growled and turned again to your beloved plants, “Otherwise, I have to scream at you. My throat is already raw from all the talking I have to do with you people.”

Sakura snorted wordlessly, but other than that, not a single sound came over her lips as she jumped over the fence. With your radar, you watched if she was careless enough to step onto one of the plainer and less colorful plants, but no. Her steps were light and careful and when she kneeled right beside you into the dirt, not caring about her bare knees getting dirty, the grim respect you had for the girl rose the tiniest bit.

Not that you would show that to her. “Get your hands in there,” you growled and pointed at the bucket with soil and wiggling worms, “If you want to know something about my methods, work for it. I don’t accept a break in my work just because you decide to interrupt me. This field needs to be done midday, understood?”

“Understood.”

Her soft hands dug almost eagerly into the soil and didn’t even flinch away when she must’ve felt the sticky worms mixed into it. Instead, Sakura let out a little grunt, like a little light went off in her hand and started to copy you the best she could.

The hours passed faster than ever, you had to admit. It was slightly amusing to watch Sakura play with the dirt, inspect the plants like a scientist would inspect an interesting specimen underneath a microscope. Every leaf was turned upside down, every single vein studied and one time, the girl actually stopped and copied a leaf into her notebook. You were sure, if you wouldn’t had explicitly told her, Sakura would’ve used any opening to even dig one of the rarer herbs out and stare at their roots. In between, you were bombarded with an avalanche of questions to your garden. How many different plants did you care for, how did you manage to care for such widely differing kinds of herbs with different needs, if there were special plants which needed more attention than others, if insects were a problem, if this plant could be used in this or that way… Such an intense thirst for knowledge and scientific research… You hadn’t expected that. When you finished laying out the soil, you felt almost sad to stop teaching the girl, who diligently made notes about every information you gave her, nodding alongside her eager scribbling. Her pink hair was by now bound into a short ponytail and her gloves were stuffed into the bag, which leaned against the fence. Sweat stood on her forehead and if you weren’t mistaken, her skin was reddened with a slight sunburn.

Not good. You watched with squinted eyes how the girl wiped with the back of her hand over her wide forehead, before smiling full of enthusiasm and happiness at you. She staggered slightly, but caught herself before Sasuke, who was sitting comfortably leaned against the wall of your hut, could spot her weakness.

“That was fun,” she said and continued to beam at her notebook, before closing it, “And I learned a lot! Thank you very much for the opportunity!”

“Hnn.” With slightly cracking joints, you straightened. There was an ache in your bones from the long kneeling, in your back from your hunched position, and a slight tug of your skin where the sun seemed to have pierced through the protective layer of balm. Without a word, you grabbed the by now empty bucket and paced carefully through the rows. You reached the door to your house, only to throw a last glance over your shoulder.

Sakura was still kneeling between the rows of your garden, bending again over to inspect a particular strong bunch of beggar’s blankets closer. The high flower was especially useful for problems with the lungs and breathing in general, and the best: everything, from the roots over the leaves to the very tip of the small, yellow blossoms could be used. The roots more for warts and athlete’s foot, but still. Everything could be used and thus, beggar’s blanket was one of your secret favorites.

“Hey, you.”

The girl jerked instantly upwards. Sasuke did too, his hand flying to the handle of his katana. With a cold glare at the foolish boy, you spat the next words at Sakura, whose bright eyes were wide and her eyebrows high on her forehead. “Wait there.”

What am I doing?

Nothing.

Nothing? That’s called nothing?

Otherwise, she will probably bother me again. It’s… a precaution.

Precaution, my ass. I have a soft spot for her, nothing else.

Silence.

Don’t cry when it’s too late.

I won’t.

We will see.

A flick of your finger through the air, and the small pot with an aromatic smelling balm floated out of the shelf right into your hands. You breathed deeply in, steeling yourself, before again opened the door and stepped into the sunlight.

Sakura came closer in the minute you spent inside your hut. Barely a meter away, standing close to the fence and talking silently to Sasuke, who had his eyes closed and seemed as uninterested as one could be, but he answered and reacted to her words. Both looked up when the door opened, Sakura’s bright eyes creased in a light smile and his unimpressed and unaffected by the whole situation. He was tense, seemed to care enough about the girl to be on alert as soon as a potential danger came too close.

A grim smile flashed over your face, only to die just as fast. Yes, he feared your presence. He was here to watch over her, in case the seeking for contact went horribly wrong. Apparently, they learned from their last unlucky confrontation.

There is nothing like a dumb shinobi.

The pot rose into the air, while you crossed your arms over your chest. “This balm is made out of the blossoms of the marigold. Experience the healing capabilities on your own and don’t come back to me to cry about it.”

“Absolutely not.” Her hands opened to accept the pot, before almost sticking her nose into the cooling liquid. “It smells good.”

“Of course! Aloe Vera is supposed to smell good.” Grumpily, you watched how the girl dipped two fingers into the pot and spread the first bits of the balm on her irritated skin. Bliss flashed over her face, before Sakura eagerly used more on her arms, dispersing every inch with the care of someone who was used to it on a daily base.

“Don’t use too much. The other blossoms aren’t fully ready yet.”

“Okay, okay. Thank you, a lot.”

“Hn.” While Sakura was busy cooing and fanning over the balm and the instant cooling-effect it had on her skin (you knew that already, you used and produced it after all for a few years now!), you stared at Sasuke.

The boy stared back. He wasn’t one bit fazed, his hand still lying on the handle of his katana. The other hand was like always hidden beneath his wide and dark coat. Didn’t he become hot underneath? He must be a vampire or something. One step into the sun and he would go up in flames.

Only Sakura’s relieved sigh ripped your eyes from the brooding teen. “Thank you very much,” she repeated, “It feels a lot better already. Is there something else in it than marigold and Aloe Vera?”

“Not much.” You grumped. “Some of the mud out of the hot springs. Lots of minerals. But not too much, otherwise it would attack the skin. Water of the nearby river. Such things.”

It took hard work and a lot of walking to find all the fitting ingredients for a potion or balm, in this case, not that much like other, more potent ones in your collection, but enough to fill a whole day.  

Just when Sakura looked like she wanted to take a step closer to you, only to hand over the pot, you crooked your fingers. The pottery flew upwards, accompanied by a soft gasp and Sasuke’s intense stare as the pot flew again safe and secure into your arms, where you cradled it carefully to your chest.

“If you haven’t anything else what you can bother me with,” you said, “Then leave my garden. The earth needs to rest and soak in.”

Goddamn, it was like you wanted to soothe a baby with your weak and soft voice. These children were intruders, annoyances without a comparison which would come to your mind, not little kittens or puppies which needed to be cooed at. You wanted to hiss and spit insults at them, drive them away with your mere dark presence, but there was an unwilling spark of… of something inside of you. Something which didn’t allow a harsher tone than the soft snark you managed to throw at them.

Sakura was still flabbergasted at the display of your gift. Her now empty hand twitched around nothing, maybe still feeling the afterimage of the pot, before her arms dropped again to her sides. After a second, Sasuke even dropped his own defensive stance. His hand lowered itself and brushed against the tips of the grass, leaving the handle of his katana unattended.

In his eyes, you weren’t a danger anymore.

Abruptly, you turned away from them, the sudden sickness in your stomach making you nearly curse out. What was this?

One nice gesture and I give in? Really?

Am I still this weak? This pathetic?

I shouldn’t! Nobody can be trusted, I’m the only one who will stand on my side!

Am I this needy for a little bit of…?

Friendliness. Acceptance. Unity, the same unity these children had. Your jaw hurt and for the first time in years, tears dwelled up as you slammed the door shut and pressed yourself against the cool wood.

You were a nerve, laying bare to be attacked by everything. For the second time in a few days, the comparison flashed through your mind. A snort escaped, while the burning tears scorched your eyelids. Every day these shinobi were here, with their patience and natural friendliness, they wore you down, attacked you right where it would hurt. Despite being as mean as you could be without indirectly or directly putting stones into their path or outright attacking them, they were still there, still present, still bothering you. They were still friendly, still approaching you, if now a little bit less pushy than at the beginning. It wore you down, seeing their honest interest and their big eyes, their careful actions and their thoughtful attitude.

I hate it. I hate them.

No, I don’t. They haven’t done anything to me.

I hate that they make me feel this way. So insecure, so unstable, so…

So damn confused.

You grumbled lowly to yourself, before throwing the pot into the air, where it paused for a moment, only to stabilize and zip over to the shelves with other medicine. A low thump told you that it settled even without close supervision into the spot where the pottery usually sat. Yes, you were a raw nerve, bare and free to prod at. And these children and their teacher seemed to respect that, at least until now. They adjusted their tactics, changed their approach and tried again, again and again.

Would it be alright to let them in? Would you be strong enough to take their friendliness? Would you be able to see through their lies, if they were lying?

You certainly would’ve continued to belittle and question yourself all day long, if not for the rapid beating at your front door. My god, these days, your house felt almost like the local bar with the most delicious sake around. For a mere second, you dared to think about hiding away and ignoring the next contact, but then, the yelling started and you didn’t think that you would be able to ignore this pathetic whining over an extended period of time.

“Hey! Heeeey! I wanna talk! Please open the door, believe it!”

Just the first “Hey” already clawed into your nerves like an annoying insect in a tiny room. To top it off, the person standing at your doorstep yelling on the top of his lungs hammered against the wood, underlining every single one of his words. Every knock made you cringe and the first flashes of a headache creeped into your brain.

This damn, annoying…

Seven steps, then you had crossed the room and your hands grabbed the door handle. Just in time to experience the next wave of knocks and frantic screaming when you were so close to suffer from a mighty tinnitus if you would have to experience this on a daily base.

“I know you’re inside! Hey, open up! I have to speak to you, it’s urgent!”

“What?” You snapped at the blond boy, who had still his bandaged hands raised for another wave of knocks. It was probably a good thing you opened now, otherwise, Naruto would’ve gotten the quick idea to kick in your door.

His eyes were as big as you remembered and his eyebrows rose when you opened. “Oh, hey,” he grinned stupidly at you, one hand reaching backwards to scratch his neck, “I didn’t think you would open that fast. Sorry for being too loud. I know, I promised.”

You needed a few seconds. Yes, vaguely you remembered something along the lines of a promise of keeping silent for the rest of their stay. “I didn’t expect anything from you,” you said, “So, what is your business that you think you can cancel our agreement like it’s nothing and bother me endlessly?”

Naruto immediately straightened. “Yeah! Right! You helped Sakura-chan with her sunburn! Help me too!” He stretched his hands out, the once white bandages now only slightly dirty. Someone had changed them over the time span you were ridden by the fever, but apparently, that mysterious someone didn’t go the extra mile to also pick help to get rid of the fire vine’s pricks.

“I know it’s my own fault for touching the vine,” he continued, while you only stared at the outstretched hands, “and I’m really sorry for making you hurt yourself. It was really not my intention, believe it! It’s just-!”

“Your hands are burning, huh?”

Confusion spread over his easily readable face. “Yeah! How do you know?”

“Fool, do you think you’re the only one who was dumb enough to touch a fire vine?”

You quickly calculated. Five days by now. That was bad. If you wouldn’t extract the thorns and weak poison today, the damage at his nerves would become irreversible. And even when you didn’t like their presence on your clearing, you were not as cruel as to let a shinobi suffer from something you could easily cure.

Grumpily, you stepped aside. “Get in here. I have to take a look at your hands.”

Naruto’s face brightened up like the sun itself. “Really?” he asked, all the while already taking a step closer. “Can I really come in?”

“If you want to suffer more, then keep out. Otherwise…” Again, you gestured sharply into the brightly illuminated living room. “I suggest to come in, if you want to keep your hands.”

The teen didn’t need any more invitations. A whirlwind of orange and black ran past you, leaving you in the entrance area. You blinked twice, before shaking your head in badly controlled annoyance. Damn shinobi and their damn persistence to intrude your privacy.

Why aren’t you seething in anger anymore? You have every right.

I’m angry. But at the same time…

I’m curious. A little bit.

In the distance, you could see Kakashi sitting underneath a tree. One of your favorites. In spring, the moss was really soft and perfect for lounging around and reading a book in the sunlight. He apparently thought so too, measured at the satisfaction and simple happiness he radiated. You stared at him, measured his intentions. Did he want to portray the carefree, chatty fool for you? Or was there something else beneath the surface? Something more sinister, with bad intentions?

Like he felt your glare, Kakashi looked up. For a second, his and your eyes met, before he raised one of his hands in a lazy wave, the other safely securing the page.

You didn’t wave back. Instead, you closed the door with a loud and somehow satisfying smack, which vibrated through the wood of the walls.

Chapter Text

“Woah!” Naruto had already sat down on the only chair you had, turning his head left and right while his eyes seemed to sparkle in interest and innocent fascination. “It looks so small from the outside, but it’s so big! The craftsmen building this did such a great job!”

“Thank you.” For the first time in months, you had a guest. And not like the last patient which came in, Naruto was clear enough to look around and inspect your living space to the fullest. Yes, it was pretty rural, mostly made out of wood and the polished stones on the ground, and to build the roof had been a pain in the ass, but you were proud of it. One of the shelves with balms and potions was a bit askew, but out of a melancholic streak, you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it out and make a new one. It had been your first shelf, made with your own sweat and tears when you accidentally hit your fingers with the stone you used to hammer in the nails. The kitchen took a whole year until you were satisfied. Not because you were missing any materials or such. The nature was more than generous when you asked the right questions and give something back. No, you had used your powers too much to polishing the wood and the stones worked into the cutting block and had to rest every day after thirty minutes of labor. Every single bit of your home was built up by your own hands and sometimes with a little help of your gift, and you were proud of it. The chimney above the fireplace, the bed and even the mattress, filled with dried grass and moss, the small restroom, the table and chair, all the small details lying around which you could make with your own two hands… This hut showed what you were capable of without relying on anyone else, that you were strong enough to survive and live on your own.

But Naruto didn’t know that, thus, he must have assumed someone else built this house. Not that you would blame him.  When you started, you would’ve never dreamed about getting this far with the little project that was only meant to occupy your time and make the time in the woods a little bit more enjoyable.

As you turned to the shelf, you could take a glance at Naruto’s face who seemed more than horrified that he apparently stepped onto another forbidden topic. A little smile flashed over your face. At least, he learned to fear you and that was already so much more than you were used to that you appreciated the little gasp when you again turned to the table; three different pots with differing balms and a special tincture, which would fill the room with a stench worse than rotten corpses on a hot summer day.

Without another word, you dropped the pottery on the table. Naruto let out a little screech, but he didn’t run away. He seemed a bit pale, but maybe it was only the happy flicker of the fire which pained the sick expression on his usually so happy features.

You pointed at his hands, which he had foolishly placed in his lap. “On the table. And for the gods’ sake, take off the bandages! Think a little bit, will you?”

Naruto shuffled a bit around, his foot thumbing against the leg of the chair, before he started to peel off the white linen off his right hand. No sound fell from his mouth and you were a bit dumbfounded at the high control the shinobi had over himself. Fire vines sitting for five days underneath the skin were no joking matter. It should hurt like hell itself and no scratching would be able to ease his suffering.

With your arms full with wooden bowls, you returned and carefully arranged them right beside the balms. Only when you looked at his right hand again and compared the limb to the rest of his skin, you halfway understood why the boy was able to walk around like nothing ever happened.

“Interesting prosthetic you have there.” His white hand twitched. “I have never seen such an abomination before.”

Naruto grinned. “Tsunade-baa-san made it for me. I don’t quite understand what’s it made of, but I’m glad she made it for me! Otherwise, Sai would feed me all the time with ramen!”

Tsunade-baa-san? Sai? The strange names circled in your head. Naruto threw them at you like he expected that you knew these people. They were dear to him, that much you did notice.

It went against your innermost beliefs and thoughts, but you hesitantly reached out to the white arm. Just an inch apart, you stopped, all the while the foul question left a bad taste in your mouth. “Could I take a look?” Then, after a few seconds where the single word usually following burned on your tongue: “…Please?”

You hated to do this. You hated to basically beg for permission. The all too familiar words felt so wrong on your tongue. A regression to your old life. But before you could drown in these emotions, Naruto nodded eagerly and crossed the last bits of distance.

Your fingertips touched the artificial arm. The prosthetic seemed to be a bit colder than normal, maybe only by a few degrees, but enough to be noticeable. The texture was also different, a bit like the bark of a young tree. Not fully wrinkled like the one of the old, high ones, their branches nearly touching the sky. You took a step closer and without thinking too much about it, snapped your fingers over your shoulder. The fire kindled, grew and flickered, which startled Naruto. The arm flinched, but you gripped the limb and placed it back on the table. This arm was too interesting to pass it up. Something new, something fresh, something to experience…

“Can you feel pain with this arm?” you asked, eyes still set on the crease of the elbow. Not many wrinkles, that must mean that the arm wasn’t that old yet. “When you can move it like your other one, there must be some kind of limbal system and it must be connected to your natural one. This Tsunade must be a genius if she was able to recreate the human nerves to this amount. What material did she use? It feels a bit organic, but that can’t be true, right? Organic matter would need years to cultivate and grow. Except…”

So many ideas zapped through your head. Yes, if this Tsunade did that…

“She used your chakra, didn’t she?” Excited beyond measures, you rolled the sleeve of Naruto’s jacket further upwards. There, there was the transition from the teen’s stump of a severed arm to the artificial one. The unnatural chalk white mixed with the rosy tone of warm skin and even the difference in temperature was noticeable when your fingers stroked over the border. “This mad woman. Highly experimental, without a doubt. Or is it? I only have an old medical book in which is stated that it would take decades to make something like this possible. It was printed maybe ten years ago, but as always, when intelligent people are given the right trigger and material to work with, then miracles will occur. Magnificent work. You don’t mind me?”

“No, not at all-!”

“You must feel the pain. There’s no way around it. If she had ignored the pain nerves, there’s the risk of forgetting about the other, important nerves and that would limit your reactions and ability to form signs for jutsus. And if you really think about it, a painless arm would make you careless and too arrogant to your own actions. A good choice. For how long are you living with this arm?”

“A few months now.”

“Any irritation? Any kind of alien feeling while you use it?”

“Not that I’m aware of, believe it!”

“My god, the compatibility rate must be nearly identical.” You shook your head in awed disbelief. This Tsunade! If not for your chosen solitude, you would be tempted to travel to wherever she was and see her work. This arm was the pinnacle of current prosthetics, not an unmovable, dead limb hanging by Naruto’s side, but living, moving on his will and connected to his brain.

Only when your eyes wandered again down to the injured hand (heavens, you could see the dark red spots where the pricks of the fire vine nestled their way underneath the skin!) you remembered who was in your hut and that he wasn’t supposed to be in here. At all. Like you burned yourself, you let go of the limb, only to walk around the table to create some distance between yourself and the blond teen, who seemed just as confused, but even happier than you were.

Gods, what is wrong with me? I really have to keep a grip on myself.

But… The arm! I don’t see such stuff around here!

I never see anything new in the woods! I know every stick and stone in a radius of fifty miles! Have some damn dignity, for once when being around people, will I?

“Anyway,” you coughed and tried to ignore the red, hot embarrassment creeping up into your face, “Free the other hand too. We have to get the pricks out of your flesh before actually attempting to get rid of the poison in your system.”

So embarrassing. You fawned over Naruto’s fake arm like a young schoolgirl. Inwardly, you slammed your forehead into the next best wall, while your hands already wove out of instinct through the air. Didn’t matter anymore if the shinobi saw or not. You already displayed your gift to them.

“How do you do this?” Naruto watched with big eyes how the potion floated into the air and the bowl rearranged themselves on the table. Pottery scraped over wood, then the potion emptied itself into the biggest bowl you brought over. Automatically, your nose scrunched up as the first whiffs of bestial stench filled the air.

“I’m just doing it,” you finally answered and flicked your fingers at the forgotten bandages. Eagerly, they jumped over his head into the sink, where they washed themselves in quickly heating water. “There’s nothing else behind it.”

“Oh man, come on!” Naruto whined. “You didn’t explain anything at all! What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Nothing. Just like I intended.”

Yes, your smiling was indeed a bit rusty, but there was no reason at all for Naruto to look like a lightning hit him when you looked at him. Blue eyes were wide and in awe, before he also broke into a wide grin. “Now you did it! I can’t take your grim face seriously anymore when I know you can also smile, believe it!”

Your smile fell as fast as it had come. You should’ve quit right then and there, throw Naruto out of the hut and leave him and the rest of his squad to rot. They were not your business, they would leave soon again. But something about this cheerful, loud, annoying brat made you want to smile and giggle, even without the fever wrecking through your veins and rattling your brain.

His charisma was undeniable. You gestured over to the bowl with the strongly smelling and yet soothingly green potion, all the while the water in the sink sloshed around. “Get your hands in there. It helps to ease the pain and itching.”

The deep relieved sigh coming from him was answer enough. Again, you chuckled, especially when you saw the overdramatic blissed expression on Naruto’s face.

The silence reigning over the room was at the same time reassuring and unsettling. You waited, knowing Naruto wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut for long. For a ninja, the teen was so easy to read, especially when he had this special troubled look on his face. Eyebrows drawn together and lips pursed, while hesitant glances were thrown your way.

“So, uhm…” He finally spoke up, after minutes of fumbling, fidgeting around and trying to come up with a question you wouldn’t take in the wrong way, “How long are you living in here? Seems like the hut would survive a whirlwind or an earthquake.”

To your own surprise, you didn’t find yourself instantly offended or repelled. “In the hut or in this forest in general?” you asked, with a calm and soft voice instead of snapping at him.

“Both. Both would be cool.”

With an absentminded gesture, you guided the black kettle hanging over the fire towards the sink, where the bandages just wrung themselves out and fluttered over to the fireplace, falling flat close enough to the warmth to dry at a reasonable pace. “I’ve been living in the forest since I was… I think I was twelve. And one year of waiting and two years of building this house.”

“And for how long are you living now in the forest?”

“I don’t know.  14, 15 years? Maybe more than that?” You shrugged weakly. “I can’t remember.”

“How old are you?”

Again, you shrugged and continued to stare at the bowl with the paste, in which Naruto’s hand continued to twitch and move, like he wanted to stand up or even worse, walk around and do something incredibly stupid. “I’m not the kind of person who celebrates her birthday.”

“Wait.” Abruptly, Naruto jumped up and leaned over the table. Little bits of potion spilled onto the table and you quickly guided an already dirtied rag over to the table. “Wait! You want to tell me you have no idea how old you are? When is your birthday?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m living alone here. There’s no one to celebrate my birthday or to care about my age. Now, sit down again and hands back into the potion.” You gestured to the bowl, while the rag soaked up the last bits of spillage around it.

Not that anyone cared before that.

But just as you predicted (and feared), Naruto didn’t drop the topic, now that you gave the first non-aggressive answer since you met him. He sat down, but his mouth ran off, without a point or comma. “You know, I also had no idea when my exact birthday was, until a little while ago. I never met someone else who doesn’t know! I’m sure, you will find out one day, just like me, believe it!”

“Shut your mouth and wait a little bit longer. My birthday isn’t important, not to me.” But your words missed their bite. Thus, Naruto was not as offended as you would expect, still grinning warmly.

A similarity. It was… nice. Knowing there was someone else with a similar problem, a blind spot in his life, former or not, was… assuring. “So…” you said, already preparing the following procedure by ordering the kettle over and pouring the hot water into one of the remaining bowls. “When you’re already here, you can pay me. Information. What happened in the world?”

“You mean, recently?”

“Yeah, that would be nice. As you might have noticed,” you gestured around, “I’m not really the center of the news and information out here.”

At first, Naruto was erringly silent. His whole body went slack and he stared at the ground, face serious and eyes dark. Then, while you went off to mentally pull all the tiny pricks out of his hands, the teen told you what happened over the last year.

A war. Alone the thought that you completely missed an entire war and that nobody of the villagers even bothered to tell you about when you last visited the village, sent icy chills down your spine. Terrified, and yet strangely fascinated, you listened to the horrors of fighting against unnatural soldiers, resurrected souls and the god of battle, Madara Uchiha himself. All the while, the almost invisible anchors of the vines’ poison slid out of Naruto’s hands, one by one, and fell onto the same rag you just used to wipe up the stinking potion.

He told you a lot. A lot of things you never even dreamed of, even in your darkest hours. About seals on corpses and “white Zetsus”, about exchanged and lost eyes, about loss and sacrifice, last talks and forgiveness, and finally peace. Peace paid with a high price, but still. Peace. And for the first time in forever, it seemed like it could be a lasting one, between all the shinobi villages and the countries. Not that it had bothered you before, but it was nice to know that the rest of humanity finally managed to get their heads clear of prejudices and long-held grudges.

Only occasionally, you asked a question and Naruto was more than happy to oblige. Especially when he spoke about the identity of the masked man “Tobi”, his goal of the Infinite Tsukuyomi and the relation to Kakashi Hatake. The same Kakashi-sensei who was right now on your clearing and annoyed you to no ends with his chit-chat.

Especially the Infinite Tsukuyomi made you perk up. Yes, now that Naruto mentioned it… There had been a time you dreamed a terribly realistic dream, full of colors and scents and hopes you weren’t even aware of. Was that the Tsukuyomi, the dream world, made out of your deepest desires? It must be.

Your heart sunk when you remembered that dream, still as vivid as you just had experienced it yesterday. Nameless and faceless acceptance, the feeling of being welcomed somewhere, somehow. Emotional safety even when there were people around you, not being scared of losing control over yourself. You had lived in a big village and walked through the buzzling streets and people had greeted you friendly, without a hint of hate on their faces. There had been a friend, faceless, but you stopped for a little chat. Only when someone called out to you, you had stopped and went on your way.

Someone had waited. Someone important. Your heart had jumped when you heard the voice and you were eager to see that person. You were pretty sure you loved that person, but before you could spot this important individual, you had woken up. Confused and with a little shout, only to realize that this dream was just that. A meaningless dream, nothing but air and messed up hopes.

Tears had rolled down your face before you even realized that you were crying.

And that had been the Infinite Tsukuyomi? A world without fighting, without sadness, without any negative emotion at all? For a short moment, you cursed these children for breaking the dreamworld. What right did they have to just end the one and only good dream you had? Who gave them the right to decide that for every person on the world?

Then, your more logical side kicked in. Of course, they had to end this nonsense of an eternally peaceful world, achieved through brainwashing and hypnosis through a gigantic flower-eye-thing. That was not what life was. And if they had no right to decide for you, then you also had no right to decide for millions of people who would like to live in the real world.

In its unfairness, life was fair.

“Hey, you don’t look so good?” Naruto leaned again in, in his blue eyes standing the slight worry. “Everything alright? I knew it, I shouldn’t have told you about the all the cut-off arms!”

“That wasn’t the problem,” you answered and pulled the very last prick out of his skin, “I just remembered my own dream.”

“Aaah. Yeah, I lot of people told me they were pretty out of it when they woke up because it felt so real.”

Not only that. Maybe they also saw something they wished for and were bummed that it wasn’t “real” anymore. Maybe, they didn’t want to tell you that they longed for something which wasn’t real to begin with.

“Must be that,” you said. Gently, you bundled up the rag with the fire vine thorns inside and put it aside. Naruto’s hands were now littered with angrily red dots, but they were free from any intrusions and that was a start. A crook of your index finger, and a wooden spatula flew over. You grabbed it out of the air and dug it into the next thick balm, a brown-orangey, slimy substance. Smacks echoed in the air as you raised the spatula again, dumping the balm on the right, white hand of the teen. “So… And you found out about your birthday, huh? From your dad. That’s nice.”

“Yeah! And I also met my mum when I trained with Kurama!”

“Kurama?”

Naruto’s grin widened, all the while you spread with practiced motions the cool balm over his hands. “Yeah! He’s… Uhm…” His grin fell as fast as it had grown. “I don’t know if I’m allowed to say that.”

“Okay.” You could imagine what this was about, at least a little bit. This dark energy radiating from the blond wasn’t human. And a few days before that, Naruto mentioned that this Kurama didn’t want to heal him from the effect of the fire vines. Only a little test was needed, then you would be sure.

A last dab of balm to the back of his left hand, then you stood up. “Are your hands still itching?” you asked over your shoulder, while you closed the pot with the soothing balm. All the while, you reached out in your mind, testing the ground and slowly inching closer and close to the unholy, demonic aura of the boy.

Suddenly, you were sucked towards the black hole. A sharp gasp, nothing else managed to escape your mouth, then you found yourself in a dark room. What happened? Did Naruto punish you for searching for the source of his power? Brief panic flashed through your mind, before you forcefully calmed yourself. It would be alright. You got in somehow, so there had to be also a way out. Water spilled over your naked feet as you turned around, searching for a little bit of light or a little bit of-!

“Now, what do we have here? An arrogant human who’s way over her head.”

A monstrous voice, older and darker than you ever experienced. Horror filled your mind, urging you to run away, to run and hide and never look back. An old, instinctive fear, born back then in the past when humans were nothing more than food for far bigger predators. Whatever lived inside Naruto was old; old, big and dangerous. You wanted to turn around, but the warm breath ghosting over your whole backside made you freeze up.

This wasn’t… What is going on here? Who is he?

Another exhale, smelling of dusty fur and long rotten meat. You had to keep yourself from gagging dryly, but the voice continued, in a terribly mocking tone, fully knowing (whatever it was) that it was in charge of the situation.

“Mhmm… Naruto didn’t tell me he would bring me a little snack…” The voice chuckled lowly. The stench of rotten meat intensified. “And what a powerful little snack. I have to say, working with my jinchuuriki opens up more and more advantages.”

Your head swirled from the new information. Jinchuuriki? What did that mean? What was Naruto and what was this… this demon?

“I can feel that you have so many questions, little snack. You’re lucky that I don’t have a physical body anymore. A few years earlier and you would’ve been in my stomach before you could’ve ever asked yourself how you got there.”

A truly calming thought.

Another stinking breath, then you dared to speak up for the first time, full of the nervousness of a rabbit in front of a fox den. “I’m truly sorry for disturbing you. I was just interested what kind of power Naruto has inside of him. Never I would’ve thought that it would be this great and have its own consciousness.”

“Do you want to insult me!? This kid maybe managed to form a pact with me, but that doesn’t mean I’m dependent on him! I’m the most powerful of the nine tailed beasts, the one who went rampage around Konoha and nearly destroyed this human-infested village, the one to-!”

The deep, growled voice would’ve rumbled on, if not for the familiar voice chiming in and you would’ve never believed to be this glad to hear Naruto speak up.

“Don’t listen to Kurama. He’s a bit grumpy, like, all the time, but if you get to know him, he’s not that bad, believe it!”

“What are you saying, brat?” the big voice growled, but Naruto just laughed freely.

“Aaaah, come on! Who likes some chin scratches?”

Their banter in your back relaxed you enough to square your shoulders, breathe in and turn oh so slowly around, seeing who this voice — Kurama — belonged to. Water splashed around your feet, cold and feeling murky between your toes. Standing water, you thought to yourself, caged and locked up water.

The first thing you saw was orange. Orange fur, to be exact, a wall of orange fur, dimly lit in a sickly green light. Your eyes followed the lines and creases upwards (the head to be somewhere high up, right?), only to recoil. It was a huge, huge animal, muscles moving as it fidgeted around, long ears drawn back and clasped to its skull, the yellow teeth bared and lowly hissing at the lonely figure standing with all the confidence in the world on one of its mighty paws.

The orange clothing was a dead give-away, if not for the unmistakable voice you heard earlier, cooing almost to the big, furry monster laying in the muddy water. “Just a few weeks ago you told me you liked chin scratches, huh? You change your opinion that fast, Kurama? When we just became friends?”

“Don’t make me eat you, brat.”

“Hah, you don’t mean that, believe it!” Naruto ignored the low hiss rumbling through the darkness. His hand still stroked through the dusty and knotted fur, smiling and grinning like there was no tomorrow. Then, he turned around and waved at you, like it was the most normal thing in the world to meet someone he barely knew in the compounds of his mind. “Hey! Cool, you can also come in here! Only Sasuke knows how to do that, you know?”

He didn’t seem angry or in any way annoyed that you were here. More like, he didn’t expect someone to be present and was pleasantly surprised someone managed to surpass his expectations. No one ever looked at you with this kind of happy surprise, like you were welcomed somewhere, like… Like…?

“This is Kurama,” Naruto continued and finally jumped down from his heightened position, which moved harshly to curl into a big, furry ball of dark frustration and twitching ears, “He’s one of the nine tailed beasts and he’s a friend of mine, so don’t worry! He won’t eat you, believe it!”

“Don’t bet your money on it, kiddo. She’s even more of a freak than you.”

“That wasn’t nice!”

“I’m not nice. Believe it.”

“Hah! You said it! You can’t take it back!”

Kurama, the big orange demon-fox, huffed and slinked back into the darkness. Throughout their banter, you realized that the fox was much friendlier than he wanted to show and that he definitely had a soft spot for the blond. (Well, who didn’t?)

But the word the fox used to describe you sent the feeling of the fire vine right into your spine. Prickly, itchy flames wandered right beneath your skin through your body, spreading and poisoning you from the inside. Freak. Yes, a freak. You knew it all along, heard the word in your nightmares, but hadn’t heard it for a long time uttered by a real voice. Too alone, too lonely. A slap right in your face.

The fox is right. The truth hurts sometimes.

A long time ago, you learned to hide your feelings behind a mask. And after all these years of living alone in the woods, you didn’t think you would need it ever again, except for the rare occasion of rude visitors coming in, believing they had any right to insult you while you were working on their sick or injured bodies. Needless to say, that the last person who tried to be rude to you had been given first a stern warning, before you threw him to the wolves.

Literally. It was a long way back to the village with a fever-riddled mind and a leg which was weak and almost rotten to the core.

“I’m sorry, Naruto,” you said, and the words rolled even easier from your tongue than the plead before, “I didn’t want to intrude. I just wanted to know who else except for you shinobi is living on my clearing.”

“Wait.” The boy’s jaw dropped. “Do you want to say you could feel Kurama? The whole time?”

Shit. “Am I not supposed to?”

“Uhm… I don’t think so? At least, you shouldn’t feel him anymore since I’m a real jinchuuriki who works with his tailed beast as equal partners.” Naruto scratched his whiskered cheek, honest confusion tinting the blue of his eyes darker. Then, he threw his arms into the air, obviously giving up. “Aaah, who cares? It just means you’re better at feeling Kurama’s chakra than the other sensor shinobi Konoha has, believe it!” He beamed at you like this was something to be proud of.

Double-shit. I shouldn’t have said that. I really shouldn’t have said that.

You waved your hand at him. “It was just a fleeting impression of mine. Nothing else. Your sensors are pretty good. Sometimes, a blind hen also finds some corn?”

“Eeeh, no! I know what you said and you can’t take it back!”

“Naruto, that’s not…” You sighed in defeat. Another mistake you couldn’t erase from his mind. “That’s not the point. Just… forget about it, alright? I’m heading back.”

Distance. Distance between you and the boy would be good. The first step away from him would be to get out of this strange dark world inside his mind, away from Naruto and away from the fox. One last glare at the furry backside of the demon, then you probed with your powers around, searching for a way out. It was like fighting your way out of a comfortable nest of blankets, only that the blankets were wet and clammy against your skin. The darkness fell away, giving leeway to light and colors, and to the familiar scenery of your living room.

Time hadn’t passed while you had the meeting with Kurama. You were still halfway between the table and the sink, holding tightly onto the dirty bowls.

For a short moment, your balance wavered. There was quite a difference of being in the mind of someone and walking on your own two feet. You staggered, nearly crashing into the table. But you caught yourself, just in time. Only the wooden bowls fell, crashing onto the stone floor. Wood splintered, small pieces exploded over your bare feet and Naruto squealed at the sudden noise and chaos.

“Calm down.” You mused, while the remains of the bowls already flew off the ground and right into a small bucket beside the sink. “A fine shinobi you are. Getting scared by some loud noises.”

You wanted to add more, a few more teasing remarks and enjoy for a little bit longer the emotional upper hand you had over him instead the of other way around, and you would’ve done so, if not for another crash and splinter of wood, this time coming out of the direction of your front door.

You twirled around. And what you saw made you roar wordlessly in sheer rage. A foot was caught by the thick wood, struggling to free itself and causing the wood to groan and protest against the force which was used. It took you five wide, angry steps, then you had reached the door and ripped at the handle, already growling and hissing in an almost inhuman tone at the intruder. “What the fucking hell is wrong with you, shinobi!?” (The huge, pale foot was adorned by one of the shinobi sandals you saw over the last few days far too often.)

Despite the missing wood dispersed over the area right behind it, the door felt heavier when you ripped it open, fuming and so close to bite the idiot’s head off, whoever dared to try and kick in your door.

It was the sensei. Sheepishly hobbling up and down due to your rash movement and trying to not completely lose his balance, one hand raised to scratch the back of his covered neck, while he already smiled at you with this damn annoying charming smile which caused his eyes to curl into little half-moons. “Whoops.”

“Whoops!? Never heard about knocking?” you hissed at him. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to fucking make a door!?”

“Well, I had a pretty good reason. Naruto screamed and so I thought…”

“That I would kill him?”

The man fell silent. If not for his infuriating little half-smile beneath the mask, one could think he felt guilty to destroy your door. At the very least, he didn’t answer.

You snorted in disgust at Kakashi. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”

In your back, Naruto started to whine and berate his sensei, but you ignored both of their voices going back and forth above your head. Your eyes were set on the hole in your door, the splinters digging into the pale leg and causing it to bleed slightly. Small droplets already soaked into the dark, heavy fabric of the pants and ran down the leg. Small flowers of red liquid also bloomed on the stones inside your home, making your nose wrinkle in more disgust.

Right. Let me clean up the mess you made, shinobi.

You lowered yourself to the floor, always eyeing the drops of blood spilled. No way you would kneel in someone’s blood. Terrible to get out of your clothes. Gently, in total comparison to the violent storm going off inside of you, you placed one hand against the door, holding it into place, while directing your attention at the hole and foot stuck in the wood. Reaching for your gift, you started to bend and crick your fingers. Little smooth circles drawn into the air, directing much more care than you should at the splinters caught in the flesh. That Kakashi didn’t say anything about the pain or that you started to pull them out was a little miracle you certainly didn’t take for granted. You worked quickly and efficiently. One by one, the smaller pieces built a little tower right beside you on the ground and you still weren’t finished. There was a particular nasty piece caught in his calf, really close to a muscle. Probably because of your harsh pulling and his desperate try to follow the movement, the splinter got buried this deeply.

A tint of guilt tainted your consciousness. Sure, that one was maybe a little bit on you, but if Kakashi hadn’t tried to kick in the door, then you didn’t have to pull at the door. Such a simple chain of causality.

Yeah. Kakashi is at fault.

Stupid, ignorant, thick-headed shinobi.

My goddamn door. I wish I could leave him in there.

Yes. Leave him in there to rot.

“Hold still,” you hissed, while the splinter slid slowly out of the wound. Kakashi’s leg jolted, but then your hands laid at the ankle, holding the rebelling limb into place to not disturb your work. “If you move just one bit, I will rip your leg completely off.”

“We don’t want that, do we?”

You ignored the joking words and the light tone. To the heavens, the man acted like he had experienced worse on a daily base! You grumbled wordlessly, while the very end of the wood finally was released by the calf. The wood thudded on the ground as it dropped, some more blood spreading in a wide arc around the impact zone. A few more touches upon the surrounding wood to smooth the sharp edges and dangerous small pieces, then you looked up at Kakashi. He had stuck his head into the house, watching your handiwork with hawk eyes.

“Can I move now?” he asked, eyes still slightly creased, even though the smile had apparently lessened. His toes wiggled in the sandals, like he tested their functionality. “Or am I still in the danger of losing my leg?”

“If you annoy me any further,” you released his ankle and stood up, “then you might be.”

“Sensei! Is everything alright?” Naruto screeched from behind your back. Honestly, you were surprised he managed to be silent for the time you were busy extracting the wood out of the leg of his teacher. Maybe he had hobbled up and down in his seat while waiting that the balm on his hands would dry and sink in.

Annoying brat, you thought with a strange, weak fondness for his energy. Learn to keep calm and watch the situation.

Kakashi freed his leg and stepped backwards. The blood started to run slower down his leg and now sank into the earth right before your doorstep. Another patch of soiled earth you had to clean later on.

“Thank you for your kindness,” the older man said, “and I apologize for misjudging the situation.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You waved over your shoulder. “Just get out. You too!” you snapped at the blond boy, who flinched at the rough order, “Tell your little doctor friend that she should change the bandages every day. Don’t dig through every pile of the earth you see, you imbecile, you hear me?”

He vanished faster than a lightning did after setting the forest on fire.

Stupid boy. Stupid, stupid feelings.

Stupid. I’m… stupid.

Your hands were trembling slightly when you started to clean up the table. A few rags drowned themselves in the sink, only to emerge, soaked with soapy, hot water. The pottery still laying around the wooden table flew over towards the shelf, instantly finding their origins and silently landing there. The small pile of bloody splinters flew over and joined the rest of your garbage in a bucket, while a small, worn-down broom danced around still present Kakashi and cleaned up the tiny remains of the accident.

You ignored him. Simply paid him no mind. And still, even when you joined the rags in their attempt to clean up, you could feel his intense stare on your body. Like fingers; cold and clammy fingers, inching their way up and down your body.

“What?” You snapped at him. “Is there something else you want to destroy? My table or my chair, maybe?”

“Not today, no.” Kakashi answered.

He had stuffed his hands into his pockets, leaning against the frame of the door like he had not a single worry in the world. The imprint of carelessness and no regard for the possession of someone else.

He was waiting. Waiting for you to say something or for the right moment to say something himself. You didn’t know for what Kakashi was waiting and the passing minutes of tensed silence were pure poison for your nerves.

More and more time passed, in which the shinobi just didn’t leave. He was not even twitching when a rag flew over and started to clean up the blood he spilled on your floor, with angry and sharp motions.

“Can’t you see you’re not welcome here?” you asked finally, when you simply couldn’t take the silence anymore. Strange. Only a week ago, the silence was your best friend.

Kakashi shrugged. “That much I can see. I’m not blind. Or deaf.”

“Then why are you still standing there like a damn donkey in the middle of a bridge?”

“I wanted to ask something.”

“Then ask!”

A little laugh rolled through the room. Goosebumps came to life, peppered your arms and crawled up to your neck. A strange feeling and inwardly, you hissed at yourself to get your act together. “I didn’t want to disturb you. Should I repair the door? In the end, I destroyed it.”

It was your turn to laugh. Only, the laugh tasted bitter as it fell from your tongue; bitter and scornfully. “Can you even repair something? Or are your hands only good to destroy?”

“I don’t want to praise myself too much,” Kakashi stretched his hands out, “but I’m indeed capable of making a few simple repairs.”

Maybe it was the slightly arrogant tone which ticked you off. “Simple repair?” you echoed and pointed at the hole of the size of his foot, “You call that simple repair? I have to make a whole new door! If you haven’t noticed, there’s a goddamn, big hole in it! How am I supposed to life with a badly patched-up door when the rain months are coming?”

“Maa… Can we help in any way, then? After all, I’m responsible for the extra-work you have.”

Obsolete, complete…!

“Stay out of my way,” you said and watched with satisfaction how the infuriating little grin beneath the mask wavered a bit, “And I mean it. This here,” you gestured towards the table, “Was just because he wouldn’t leave me alone. There won’t be a next time.”

“If you believe that Naruto gives up, now that you allowed him in your house, then you’re deeply mistaken.” Kakashi regained his confident, unbearable self. He cocked his head and the sunlight from behind him turned the steely-grey color of his hair into a brilliant silver. “He won’t give up. I’m surprised he didn’t give you a nickname yet.”

A nickname. You shook your head. “I already have one. I don’t need another.”

“The Witch of the Woods?”

You nodded. “As good as any other. So, you were in the village and asked around.”

“Yes.” Kakashi shrugged once more. “The only thing they didn’t want to tell us was your real name.”

A name. A name you didn’t use anymore; a name which wasn’t of any kind of use. For a second, you had problems to remember it. You weren’t even sure if the villagers even remembered your name. Hell, they didn’t use it even when you had lived with them, after all. It would’ve been a little miracle if they would recall even one syllable of it.

And what about Doc?

Doc… No, he wouldn’t remember either. It’s not important in our current “relationship”.

“My name isn’t important,” you said. Automatically, you started to clean up the rags, nearly scorching your fingers in the hot water, while it turned more and more red-brownish with every rag you washed. “I have no name. Not anymore. Good luck in trying to find out, shinobi.”

To your slight disbelief, Kakashi started to smile whole-heartedly. And to your shock, you found yourself a little bit breathless when his smile turned his eyes again into little half-moons, while the wrinkles of his mask drew the lines of his curled lips.

“A name is nothing for a shinobi,” he exclaimed, full of misplaced confidence and himself, “And to prove it, how about a bet?”

“A bet?” you repeated. Plans immediately started to form, one more satisfying than the other. You crossed your arms over your chest, all the while trying to suppress the big, fat grin which would surely spread on your face if your control slipped only for the blink of an eye. “What’s the prize?”

“Why does there have to be a prize?”

“To make it interesting, of course.”

“Maa, I wouldn’t have taken you as a gambler.”

“I don’t gamble. I only join a game when I’m certain I will win.”

“What makes you that confident?”

“The fact that I know more about the background of the circumstances than you do. The fact that you make a bet without knowing if you will win or not. The fact that I will see a high and mighty shinobi fall, right in front of my eyes.”

The black eyes of Kakashi seemed to sparkle weakly due to the challenging conversation. Not even the badly hidden jabs at his ego seemed to be a problem for him. No, he seemed to enjoy the little, witty battle, with every fiber of his being.

You certainly enjoyed it more than you should. It was easy to banter with Kakashi, terrifyingly easy and so goddamn tempting to continue.

You never did that before. Never had someone to just talk to, to tease, to poke and mock a little bit more, if now good-natured or not. Everything just came from the other party, nothing from you. In your stomach curled a mix of excitement and disappointment in yourself. Too forgiving, too easy-going.

Quickly, you crossed your arms over your chest. “So. The prize?”

Kakashi mirrored you, his arms crossing over his wide, upper body. The distinct sound of weapons rustling and the whisper of mesh underlining everything reminded you that this person was maybe just as wary and distrusting as yourself. “A prize? How about… If I guess your name right, I want one of the books in the scroll back.”

“Alright.” One book? That was okay. There were ten others in the scroll, more than enough to satisfy your reading urges for the next weeks. “And if you can’t guess my name in, let’s say, three days, then you and your group have to leave.”

A little wrinkle appeared above the scar bisecting his left eye. “Isn’t that a bit unfair? My reward seems in comparison a little bit smaller than yours.”

“Not my problem.” You raised one eyebrow at his hesitance. “Either take it, or leave it, shinobi.”

“Oh, don’t misunderstand, I take that. But may I add something? Something really small.” Kakashi added when he saw the darkening of your features. His right hand rose, the distance between gloved thumb and index finger minimal. “Really small.” he repeated.

Fine. Fine, if you want to play like this.

“Good.” Nothing more. “What do you want to include in our bet?”

The air was charged with electricity. At this point, it wasn’t only about the bet or the possible prize you would certainly win. You knew more about your name than he did after all, and you would be damned to be tricked or fooled in any way by him. No, this was a battle of the mind, of wits and words. And you were determined to win.

Kakashi didn’t need to think about it. Another smile stretched the dark fabric of his mask and when he spoke, some kind of premonition dawned upon you. Good or bad, you had no idea. “If I win,” the shinobi said, “You will give me back one book of my choice and start to call us by our names.”

“Am I not doing that right now?” you asked. You were pretty sure you called at least Naruto by his name. He was also the only one you felt some kind of connection to, as strange as it was.

“No. At least, you don’t do that with me.”

“Not that it will ever happen, but okay.” You shrugged. “It’s included. A book and names for you, blissful solitude for me. Sounds good.”

Kakashi nodded slowly. “Indeed. Sounds really good.”

His eyes bore into yours. Seconds, stretched into minutes. You fidgeted on your spot, scratched your arm, fidgeted a bit more, fumbled with the edges of your shirt. He was still staring, but not smiling anymore. And wasn’t that a blush spreading over the upper part of his face?

“You can go,” you said, accompanied by a shooing gesture with your hands, like you wanted to chase away a particularly pesky dog. “Go.”

That seemed to rip him out of his daze. Blinking, Kakashi seemed to regain consciousness and stumbled away, all the while you asked yourself what reason the confident shinobi would have to blush like a little schoolgirl.

Chapter Text

The next day, you woke up earlier than usual. Not from a nightmare, thankfully. You just stared suddenly at the ceiling of your hut, watched a spider create a new cobweb in the joist of the ceiling and wondered. Wondered if yesterday really happened. If you really talked for hours with Sakura about your herb garden, plucking out weeds and dispersing soil all around the plants; If you really sat Naruto down and treated his hands, plucking out the thorns of the fire vine, fawning over his prosthetic arm and talked with the strange demon habituating his body. If you really made an absolute ridiculous bet with Kakashi about him finding out your name.

Gods, the sun hadn’t even fully risen yet!

Still, you climbed out of your bed. The old routine started, slipping into the slippers, tugging the sleeves of the gown over your arms and tying the belt close in a wide, sloppy ribbon. Water was poured into the pot over the fireplace and soon, you held onto a warm cup of herbal tea and looked out of the window. You stared — not so secretly — at the camp of tents only twenty meters away. You could even see that their fireplace hadn’t burned down yet, meaning they had a guard up at night, rekindling the fire every time when it was in danger of burning down.

You took a sip of your tea and accidentally burned your tongue. Grimacing, you lowered the cup again, all the while your eyes never left the camp. Sure, yesterday happened. But it was an exception; a special exception which meant nothing in the long run. They had to go in a few days and you were adamant on making them leave if they dared to try and stay longer. Yesterday meant absolutely nothing.

This time, you cooled the tea down with a little snap of your fingers before taking another sip, still watching the camp with hawk eyes. The sun slowly rose and only when the first rays of sun fell upon the light green fabric of the tents and surrounding trees, you spotted the guard of the last night.

Kakashi jumped out of a nearby tree, in the movement snapping his book shut. When he landed on the ground with the full grace of a lynx, slipping  the small booklet into his flak vest, all the while already looking around to spot any kind of possible danger.

Always on edge, always on his toes. Begrudgingly, you had to admire his attitude and stance towards the world, the sense for security and his attentive nature. Nothing less you expected of a shinobi and Kakashi more than fulfilled the picture of one you always had in your head.

Just when you wanted to turn away, the intense black eyes settled on the window and you had the feeling, despite physics working for you, that the shinobi just knew you stood behind the glass and watched attentively every move.

Don’t be stupid. The light shines into my hut, what makes it almost impossible to look through the glass from the outside, especially from this distance between us! My curtains are almost closed, there’s just no way he-!

I swear, he sees me!

Your suspicions were proven right when the shinobi waved, just a small motion of his gloved hand into your direction. Caught red-handed, you immediately ordered the curtains to fall completely close.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit!

He probably feels proven right. Arrogant, thick-headed asshole!

If he dares to knock or address me in any way, I will-!

Before you could even start to think about the punishment you would bestow upon the poor soul in case either of the two happened, a knock already echoed through the single room of your hut. Just as teasing as usual, two light knocks, followed by a deliberate heavy one. Kakashi’s knock. That you could distinguish his knock after merely a few days with the shinobi living on your clearing was already a reason to pull your hair out, but when you checked your inner radar and felt the smug satisfaction radiating from outside your door, you growled, before angrily retying the belt around your waist and marching over to the front door. The hastily mended hole in the door let in some weak light and spread it over your bare feet, before you ripped the door open.

“What?” you asked, the cup of tea floating right over your shoulder.

If Kakashi thought that this was not normal behavior for an ugly, old porcelain cup, then he didn’t show it. His eyes were curled in the same annoying, smug, masked smile you learned to despise, all the while he calmly stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants. “A good morning to you too. Seems to be a nice day, isn’t it?”

“Don’t sugarcoat me and tell me what you want.”

“Maa, if I’m not completely mistaken, I would say you’re annoyed by my appearance.” The smile beneath the mask seemed to widen. “Even when you’re watching us so intently…”

Enough. Hissing through your teeth, you squinted your eyes and glared at the shinobi. “Just making sure you’re not doing anything to break our deal. Three days, then you have to leave the clearing or present me my name. Doesn’t look like you plan to do anything about it.” You mocked.

“Oh, I will be gone for the next three days.”

A surprise. “Really? Just you or are you taking your misfits with you?”

“Just me. Someone has to continue our mission, after all, while I have the joy of reading through countless dusty documents.”

If that was his masterplan, you would win for sure. Back in the days, your entire name (if it even existed to this point) had been erased by the village elders, meticulously and with an accuracy born out of misguided rightfulness.

He wouldn’t find anything in the documents. You were safe.

The looming victory managed to lift the corners of your lips and you really smiled at the shinobi, all the while waving only with your fingers at him. If you were right and the customs hadn’t changed, it should portray your mocking hospitality more than enough. “Well then, see you. Good luck, ‘cause you will need it!”

“Can I ask for a favor?”

You already had been in the motion of closing the door, shutting Kakashi out of your life and your privacy when it came. His voice and the demand he uttered… Not a demand — A question. A cold shudder wandered over your back like ice, slowly spreading and making you sick and queasy. You swallowed to get rid of the bad, foul taste in your mouth, before even attempting to speak up again.

“What? Is it not enough to patch up the blond mascot and teach the little girl about my garden?”

No. Close the door. Close the door and go away, close your ears and eyes. It’s not your business.

I can still listen to him, right? That won’t be too bad.

Yeah, sure. The next thing you know is that you’re mauling things for them around! Don’t listen to him!

But they were nice to me…

That’s not a reason.

Your mind tried to decide what to do, how to act, what to say, when Kakashi broke the silence. “I would also understand if you don’t want to,” he said, “It’s just a small thing, but it’s also okay to turn me away. I wanted to ask if you could have an eye on my little misfits? They can stand on their own, but…” He shrugged weakly, while his eyes didn’t want to settle anywhere near your face. “I would feel better going on my own mission when someone else is watching over them a bit.”

Unusually open about his intentions, wasn’t he? Was there something off about his words? A lie? You turned his question over and over in your head, tried to find a nook or cranny to de-mask any mistakes he made, all the while Kakashi started to fidget around more and more. Not a lot, by any means. Just a twitch of his knee. It could be seen as an involuntary movement, just a reaction of his muscle memory. But, measured by your current stand of observations you had been able to make of the shinobi, this man was a control freak. Not over others, no. He was well aware that one could only exert so much control over another person. No. Kakashi controlled himself to a point where it bordered to obsessive. His entire body, his face and emotions, and, measured at the slight wrinkle of one of his eyebrows, the man didn’t like to lose control over himself, but had loosened up over some time, to the point where he may had noticed some motions, but didn’t stop them from happening.

Like this little twitch of his knee.

No lie then. You breathed in, held the air in your lungs, only to push it out, short and sharp. “Okay.”

He perked up. “You will do it?”

“Yeah. I will do it. Now, get lost.” With a low growl, you threw the door shut. The dim premonition that you would regret this decision later already dawned upon your mind, but then…

“Thank you.”

You froze. Such simple two words, and yet. Yet, you never…

Kakashi sounded sincere, as far as you could tell. His smooth voice seemed to echo in the room, weak and strong at the same time, a promise and admission all the same. You breathed in, breathed out, forgot to breathe in again. Tears burned in your eyes and you shook your head, still confused and so damn happy-sad-shocked that you didn’t even flinch when you heard the shutter of porcelain and felt the rests of lukewarm tea splatter over your feet.

Thank you.

No, another mistake. Over the course of the last days, they all thanked you in one way or another. You were just too captured in your own sense of privacy and bitterness that you just didn’t notice. You didn’t notice, didn’t want to hear their words of thanks and their honesty shining through them. Only now, when the one person who seemed just as distrusting and secretive like you stepped towards you and said “thank you” in such a weak, hoarse voice… that you could only now wrap your head around the simple fact that the shinobi were honestly and outright thankful for the things you had done begrudgingly for them.

“Hey?” Another rap of knuckles at the front door startled you. “Did something happen?”

Only now, you looked at the ground and grimaced at the sight of the broken leftovers of the only porcelain cup you owned. “Yeah, yeah. Everything is just… peachy.” You muttered.

Apparently, emotions still were a problem for your control, no matter if positive or negative. So bad that you were losing your mental grip on a cup. A damn cup.

Fuck. That speeds up my impending visit to the village even further.

I can’t survive without my morning tea.

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi said, “Can I do anything to-?”

“It’s alright.” You sighed. “Just… Just my cup. First my door, now my cup. What are you breaking next, my legs?”

“We’re not that kind of shinobi.”

“Mhm. Now, get lost. The sun is rising and I have a door to fix.”

Even though your words were in your usual harsh tone, a certain part of your usual bite was missing.

You would deny it later, but Kakashi’s quiet laugh and the low “See you in three days” made you smile a little bit to yourself, even when you had to pick up the broken porcelain and wiped up the spilled tea before it could dry on the stones.

In the process, the badly wrapped bandage around your hand fell apart. For a second, you contemplated putting up the white linen and façade again, before sighing deeply and gesturing at it. They flew up and zipped into the direction of the sink, all the while you inspected the completely healed palm for a second. Like Naruto never scared you into cutting your own hand open. Like always, the hot spring had helped you. You balled the hand into a fist, then allowed yourself to smile shortly.

Nice. Then, I can probably get some wood. The stack should be depleted enough.

But to your mild surprise, the stack in the back of your hut, stretching over the whole length of the small house, usually drained by the constant burning fire was fully stacked. Neatly, row for row, like someone had played a game of tic-tac-toe to be the most obnoxious, perfect little wood-stacker you ever met. You could even see the exact line where your slightly askew and messy stack ended and where a little perfectionist started its work.

Your mouth curled into a disgusted snarl. Damn kids. Which of them…? Oh no.

Naruto and Sakura had carried out their attacks yesterday. Now, it was the last person of the team, who stared with an unmoving face at you, all the while standing in the shadows of the stack and just placing a last, small log on the very, very top of it.

You raised an eyebrow. “How long did it take you to gather that much wood?”

Sasuke rolled his eyes and huffed. “It wasn’t much.”

“How long?”

“Two hours.”

“Isn’t there anything else you could’ve done with your time?”

“Not really. Maybe you have noticed,” dryly, the teen let his dark eyes sway around the clearing, “but we’re in the woods.”

“Amazing.” Your voice dripped with sarcasm. “In the last ten or so years, I didn’t even notice. My eyes were opened. Thank you very much.”

“Hn.” Sasuke huffed again and turned to the stack. In the movement, his coat swayed, pressed to his flank and revealed…

Nothing. There was nothing. A stump where a healthy arm should be. The boy lost his arm somehow, you realized. Your own started to itch and subconsciously, you reached out to scratch the spot at your elbow.

“You don’t need to feel sorry for me.” Sasuke said suddenly.

Did he have eyes in the back of his head? Like a child caught with its fingers in the cookie jar, you dropped your hand again to your side and tried not to think of the itch at your elbow, which grew stronger and stronger with each passing second. “I’m not feeling sorry for you,” you said, while the itch compared by now to the bite of an especially hungry mosquito, “I’m just asking myself what happened. Natural, isn’t it?”

“Of course.”

Calmly, Sasuke adjusted the last log. The katana weakly dangled with his movements and in the background, you were aware of Naruto’s and Sakura’s loud discussion about their duties and resources dwindling slowly. If they were lucky, Kakashi would buy some food, before he had to admit he would never find your name out.

When the teen turned around again, smirking openly, you couldn’t help yourself but raise an eyebrow.

“I’m not asking you anything.”

“Good. I wouldn’t have answered.”

“Smart kid.”

“I’m not a kid.”

“Strange. You act like one.”

His smirk dropped while yours rose, tugging at the corners of your mouth in the little victory you achieved. Gods, it was so satisfying to mess with Sasuke in particular. The teen took himself far too seriously, in comparison to Sakura, who could ignore the jabs and insults to the best of her abilities and getting a ruse out of Naruto was just too easy.

Your mouth was already open to throw more mean words at him, but Sasuke was a second faster than you. Appearing uninterested, he spoke over his shoulder, his eyes always set on the stack in front of him like he tried to search for a fault only he would spot. “So… Any idea where our team leader went?”

“Back into the village.” You had no reason to keep it from them. But to know Kakashi didn’t tell his squad why he left so suddenly was valuable information. Did he want to keep the bet between him and you only? Was he ashamed for the bet, for whatever reason was able to shame a hardened, battle-worn shinobi like him?

Strange. Really strange. And then, why should I keep an eye on these brats? Am I supposed to tell them? Should I tell them?

His actions are just as mysterious as his face. I don’t know what to do.

I’m at loss.

Sasuke turned to you, his eyebrows in angry wrinkles. “Back into the village?” he echoed. “Why would he go back to the village? He was the one who insisted-!”

Suddenly, his mouth fell shut, lips tightly sealed. An angry glare out of dark, piercing eyes, before he stomped past you, the coat fluttering and the metal of the katana ringing in its sheath. Sasuke left you behind, jumped easily over the fence, avoided the fire vine and stormed towards the bickering rest of the team.

Confused, you watched them looking at Sasuke, how he started to speak and probably explained what he got to know from you. Almost instantly, Naruto and Sakura’s eyes flew up, bearing into your face and staring at you like they were a pack of starved wolves and you were a rabbit, fallen into their trap.

You grimaced. They looked like they wanted to pounce at you. And you didn’t like the little snicker floating over, falling from Naruto’s mouth as he took the very first step into your direction.

No. Under no circumstances, no. Quickly, you whipped around and bolted for the door of your hut. Another day spent inside, barricading yourself inside your own little fort of solitude.

“Hey! Can you-!” Before Naruto could even attempt to finish his sentence, you slammed the door shut. A motion you went through far too often during the last four days. You gave the door a dirty look, before realizing one crucial mistake of yours.

Maybe the doors were all shut. Maybe all the curtains were closed. But unfortunately, someone had kicked a hole into the front door and you didn’t have the time to fix it, except for an unprepared rabbit fur you hung over it to not let any heat escape.

This rabbit fur didn’t do anything to keep out the noise, unfortunately.

“Hey, Witch-san!” Naruto’s voice echoed loudly and annoyingly close through the room. “Uhm… Sorry for calling you that, but we still don’t know your name, so we kind of have no other choice… Anyway, you said to Sasuke that Kakashi-sensei went back to the village and we kinda asked ourselves why exactly he would go back there without telling us.”

“Indeed,” Sakura’s voice joined Naruto’s, while you just covered your ears and tried to ignore them, “It’s really interesting that he told you about taking a leave and where he would go. So, did he tell you anything else? The reason, for example?”

“Shut. Up.” You growled out between gritted teeth. “I don’t need to tell you.”

“Aha!” Naruto yelped. “So you do know!”

“I’m under no obligation to tell you anything!”

“But you know it! You talked to him, didn’t you?”

“…”

“Aha!” Again, Naruto screamed through the small trap door. “You talked to him! What did he say, what did he say?”

He asked if he should buy a new cup for me. He said his goodbyes. He said “See you in three days”.

“Nothing of importance,” you rolled your eyes at the annoyed grunts and sighs from the other side of the door, “Nothing which is interesting for you.”

He also said I should keep an eye on you brats. I don’t know why this was so important for him, you’re old enough to care for yourself after all, and I don’t know what I should take away from his plead.

A plead I accepted.

A plead you accepted. With a low growl, you pushed yourself away from the wall, marched over to the front door and ripped it open. You were so ready to growl and hiss at them, but then you saw how some young adults were rolling over the ground in their attempt to scream and peak one after another through the hole in the door.

“What the…” Naruto and Sakura were apparently in an intense wrestling match for the upper hand (upper voice?) at the only opening they had to talk to you. The girl was winning and Naruto was barely holding on, with his head in a chokehold and gasping for air. A quick look around and you shared a short-lived moment of total exasperation at the antics of the intruders with Sasuke, who was leaning against the wall beside the door and far away from the two contenders rolling around in the grass.

“What are you doing?” you asked. “If you have time frolicking around, then you should do your mission and not get on my nerves any further.”

“Oh, it’s alright.” Sakura looked up from the slightly gagging Naruto, effortlessly holding him down. But you noticed still how she loosened her grip the tiniest bit. It was roughhousing, yes, but she was also a medic at heart and seemed to watch out for the health of her teammates.

Emphasis on the word “seemed”.

“We’re totally on time,” the girl added, while her arms flexed and Naruto continued to struggle, “The only thing which could potentially throw us off is a missing captain, that why we’re pestering you so much. Sorry for that, we’re just…”

“Worried.” Sasuke added from the side.

“Worried.” Sakura repeated full of false cheerfulness. “Very, very worried.”

She was definitely angry and not one bit worried. You looked at the girl, how she continued to choke her comrade without a worry in the world, at Sasuke, who had his arms crossed over his chest and eyes closed (the ultimate sign that he didn’t even think about getting himself involved any further) and finally, Naruto. His eyes were basically dead by now, the skin color of an almost unhealthy pale-ish blue and limbs flailing around.

So much theatrics, so much effort and struggle. Just to talk to you.

I’m getting soft on my old days.

Is it really alright to talk about it?

I’m not quite sure, but… What do I have to lose?

“He is trying to find out my name,” you said and leaned against the doorframe.

That did the trick.

Abruptly, Sakura let go of Naruto, who immediately started to gasp and sputter for air, Sasuke raised both of his eyebrows and his mouth fell slightly open, all the while Sakura only stared at you with all the disbelief in the world in her eyes.

“What?” she asked and scrambled quickly to her feet, “What did you say?”

“I was pretty clear about it. He went into the village to find out my name. Are all of you slightly deaf? Unfortunately, I have no herbs against that in my garden.”

“Why?” Naruto finally managed to bring out. The boy was laying on his back, chest still heaving for air, but the summer-sky-blue eyes were directly set on you. “Why does he want to find your name? That doesn’t sound like him, believe it!”

“Because he and I have a bet.”

“And what kind of bet?”

“If I win, you have to leave.”

Silence settled over the scene. The teens were shocked, you could see that. But you gave them no time to recover. Instead, you carefully closed the door and measured the hole in the wood, to estimate how much wood you would need to repair it.

Fuck. There, several panels are broken. The idiot probably twisted his foot too much.

I hoped I didn’t have to, but now I definitely need to replace the whole door. Dammit.

You clicked your tongue in annoyance, only to straighten up and look at the teens again who hadn’t moved one inch from their spots.

“Excuse me,” you didn’t even bother to walk around them, just stepping over Naruto’s body and legs and Sakura’s arms, “I have some stuff to do today. I advise you to also do something productive and not play around.”

With that, you stomped off, around the hut and out of the kids’ line of sight. There, you climbed over the fence (the fire vine made willingly space for your hands and feet) and opened the back door. Right beside the door, you grabbed the handle of your trusted axe and swung it over your shoulder, while the door fell close. The weight of the tool made you feel a tiny bit better and when you walked straight into the woods, not looking back and also not daring to face the teens again, your mind was drifting into the direction of their missing captain.

Kakashi… was strange. Definitely strange. Why would he go that far for a simple bet? According to Sakura, the only thing which could stop them from continuing their mission was a missing part of their team. And according to something Kakashi said, they were already behind schedule. Why would he risk dragging their mission even more out with this stupid bet?

Something didn’t fit here. Out of instinct, your forehead and nose wrinkled up, all the while your feet carried you deeper into the forest. The trees were big and strong, but you were looking for a particular tree. Strong wood, nearly indestructible. A little bit of ironwood would be good, but for a tree of that height and the mass you needed to make enough panels to make a door, you had to travel deep into the woods. You knew about a particular group of such ironwood trees, but it would take a few hours to get there. If there was really a perfect example growing, you had to bring the wood back to your hut and that would take even more time. If you would find something fitting, you would only return far after midnight.

Why is Kakashi putting their mission on hold?

When my reading of him is right, then he should be dutiful. Relentless in his pursuit of his goal. So, why is he doing this?

He’s confusing. He’s confusing me and I don’t like that.

Assholes. Damn, stupid assholes. All of them.

Before they came to your clearing, everything had been easy. Now, you could feel how everything changed and intertwined, became messy and complicated. And you felt yourself changing alongside these complications; a fact you definitely didn’t appreciate. You were fine the way you are; you didn’t need to change at all! It was fine the way it was, then why could you feel yourself becoming someone else?

And still. And still, you couldn’t help yourself but to smile a little bit when you thought about the little lesson in the herb garden for Sakura, patching Naruto up and getting to know something about his artificial arm (And Sasuke lost his arm. What a small world.), teasing the broody teen until his forehead wrinkled in frustration.

And Kakashi… Kakashi was the worst of all. With his smooth voice and the truth in his words, his damned actions and the books and the bet… Your head glimmered with new, strange emotions. Your voice didn’t sound as foreign as before and you smiled at the knowledge there was noise on the clearing. Other voices, other people, which you could study and enjoy from afar.

Yes, from afar. And when they would leave again, you wouldn’t feel lonely. Because they wouldn’t be so close that their departure would hurt.

You nodded to yourself. That was the best solution. Like a vacation from your solitude, before the everyday life would return and capture you in its greedy little fingers.

While your head thought about all the strange things in your life, your feet had carried you deeper and deeper into the wood. The green of the plants around swallowed you, while your bare feet made no sound at all on the almost hidden path.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The strain on your gift was nearly maxed out when you finally arrived on your meadow. Even through the trees, you could see the shine of the campfire cut through the darkness. No stumbling and no blind searching for a safe footing. Just blessed, cool, soft grass beneath your soles when you took the last steps, the — without a doubt — heavy tree floating behind over your shoulder.

Your axe laid across your shoulder, a few bits of wood scraps still clinging to the sharpened metal. In your happiness of having found a suitable tree that fast and still having an hour left until midnight, which gave you the chance to prepare some food for tomorrow morning, that you could use the full day to cut the wood in smaller portions and smooth the edges until you could see yourself in the wood.

A long day ahead, indeed.

With a little, satisfied smile on your face, you watched the campfire continue to flicker, dance in the depth of the night in the little circle of tents. There. Someone was sitting right beside the fire, occasionally poking with a stick in the charcoals and keeping the fire alive and happy. A step out of the woods, then another, the big tree still floating behind you and your feet making not a single sound. A spirit of the forest, a true witch in your own right.

Only when a small branch burst beneath your feet, the silhouette swiveled around and revealed the face of the unsuspecting little brat on guard duty.

Naruto. The blond squinted his eyes, possibly too used to the bright light in front of him to immediately be able to look through the night, but a few seconds later, his face spread into a bright smile, like always when he set his eyes upon someone he considered a friend or at least, a friendly face.

“Hey, Witch-san!” he greeted and threw his stick into the darkness, “You were gone for the whole day!”

You didn't say anything. You only gifted the boy with a raised eyebrow and a mild shake of your head, before strolling past the camp and ignoring the advances of the shinobi.

Not that he cared. With the abundant energy of a young puppy, with floppy ears and too-big paws, Naruto jumped towards you, but stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the tree following you. Apparently, the sight of a tree was enough to shut him up (finally).

“If you don't have anything to say...” Grinning to yourself, you continued to march towards your own hut. “The tree is kind of heavy, if you understand.”

“But how-? That's so cool! How strong are you?”

How was carrying a tree “cool”? Confused, you shook your head and continued to walk towards the security of your own four walls. Just a few more steps. Not caring about Naruto, who still followed you with light steps and not caring about the weight of your trusted axe on your shoulder.

“Go away.” You growled at the shinobi.

Only now, he stopped dead in his tracks. But still too close. “But why? I thought we were alright now, believe it!”

“Go away. Don't make me repeat myself.”

“But-!”

With a low, throaty growl, you let go of your gift and the mental grip you had around the tree. It was an avalanche of leaves, dead wood and branches crushing down. Cracking wood, the breaking of thousands of small twigs combined into one horrible sound. It mixed with Naruto's surprised “Eeehp!” and hasty shuffles coming from the direction of the campsite.

Thank the gods. An audience was just the right thing to have.

Only now, the enormous proportion of the tree came truly to the flickering light. Before, you could only measure the width of the tree, not the height, but it must've been one of the older plants in the forest. At least ten meters of wood, branches and leaves. That would explain that your gift was nearly exhausted when you arrived at the clearing again.

That just had to be enough wood to repair the door. And if you were resourceful, then you could repair and even switch out some other things around the house. Some windows were a little bit askew and your bed had a few loose boards…

While you thought about all the possibilities and projects you could realize with that much wood, the other present people were apparently shell shocked. Naruto wasn’t able to form a single, straight word, pointing sometimes at you, then back to the massive tree, then you, back to the tree, then you, then the tree… only to finally look back at you with full of flabbergasted shock. Sakura’s eyebrows nearly vanished in her hairline, while she walked slowly over, eyeing the tree with all the scientific curiosity she was hiding inside her body. And Sasuke… Sasuke tried to appear not to be that surprised, what made his surprise even more present.

Damn kids. I’m just waiting for their questions.

“Woah, so cool!” Naruto cheered. “Did you really carry this whole tree?”

But not that question.

Confused, your forehead wrinkled up. “Yes…? You saw me carrying it out of the woods?”

“For how long? It must’ve been a pain in the ass!”

“You certainly noticed I left early in the morning and returned only now. You can figure it out yourself.”

Naruto’s blue eyes widened even further at the answers to his pretty obvious questions. He whistled and beamed at you. “What are you going to do with it?”

Before you could even attempt to snarl your answer, Sakura rolled her eyes at him and huffed.

“Isn’t it obvious? She wants to repair the door!”

“Then why did she pick such a huge tree?”

The girl tried to answer, but her mouth only fell open, only to close again. Her sea-green eyes flittered into your direction, only to go back to the tree. She obviously had no idea what you actually wanted to do with that much wood nor could imagine any kind of situation where she could safely say that you probably made a mistake. Their confusion was just too amusing to not tease them a little bit more.

“Why did you pick such a big tree?” Naruto asked again, this time directly at you. “Do you have any more things you need to repair?”

“No.”

“Then, some new things you want to build, maybe?”

“Nothing new, no.”

“Oh man!” Frustrated, the blond threw his hands into the air. “I want to know, believe it!”

A little grin tugged at the corner of your mouth. “So, you want to know what I’m going to do with it, huh?”

Naruto nodded sharply. “Yes!” he cried out. “Please, tell me!”

“And you two.” You turned to Sakura and Sasuke. “Are you just as interested?”

You didn’t expect the same excitement from the other teens and you were right. The other boy rolled his eyes, but nodded weakly, while Sakura put on a little bit more excitement, mixed with the kind of wariness you by now begrudgingly acknowledged and respected.

Well, Kakashi asked you to keep an eye on them. And what better way was there to keep a very close eye on these troublemakers than to make them work in your close proximity?

With a hand in the crook of your hip, the other still holding onto the axe slung over your shoulder, you held yourself upright, all the while glaring and barking at the kids. “I will do something even better than telling you. Your precious sensei basically left you in my care. And because my door is broken because of your unnecessary screaming,” you nodded at Naruto, who had the decency to flush brightly, “you will give me a helping hand with the repair. Girl, you will care for my garden while I’m busy, so I don’t have to attend that issue too. And you…”

“The mission.” Sasuke flatly interjected, at what you nodded.

“Yeah. The mission. That’s your part. Do whatever you have to do, I don’t care. But for the time your precious sensei is missing, I will take over these two,” your axe pointed first at Naruto, then at Sakura, “for as long as it takes. Is that understood?”

All three of them nodded, probably too stunned you were actually considering working with them than to say anything about the sudden change in demeanor.

One step at a time. For such a long time, you were on your own. Day for day, it was only your hut, your garden and the forest. To keep yourself busy, you had kept on working, creating, building, gardening. Early rising to start the day and early falling into bed. Only in the winter, when the garden laid dormant and the snow would fall, there was time to relax and wait out the cold season.

Maybe it was time to actually relax a bit when the sun was out and the temperature high enough to actually enjoy the nature around you. And maybe, the teens could help you with that goal before they would leave in three days, forever.

The best choice out of pest and cholera.

Chapter Text

You expected anything, from broken bones over smashed fingers to skin nailed into the hardwood. Some bandages were in the pockets of your wide pants and the window directly beside the shelf with all your medicine was open, in order to allow any kind of porcelain to fly into your hands without smashing the precious, expensive glass.  

To your defense, Naruto didn’t look like a boy who was able to handle the hammer and saw it like just another weapon. But here he was, his jacket discarded and mesh shirt glistening under the sun, at the other side of the tree and intensely waiting for your shove of the saw. Crumbs of wood were flying around and already tingling on the top of your bare feet, little pieces of bark scratching over the skin of your arms.

Until now, nobody had lost their fingers. Yet. Well, it was only midday. There was still some time left.

Another shove, and Naruto grunted lowly. His arm moved immediately back and forth, which caused your arm to be pushed backwards and pushed forwards again. A never changing rhythm, calming in its regularity and steady motion. Together with the sound of the wood getting cut into sizeable and foremost, manageable portions, it was no miracle that there was a little smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. The muscles in your arms burned in a pleasant way while the rim of your sunhat hung a bit into your field of vision. It was a warm and still sometimes chilly spring day, the sun shining sky and clouds lazily drifting over the blue spring sky.

In theory, it was perfect. And still… Something didn’t sit quite right with you. You had felt it when you woke up, felt the little nagging voice in the back of your head as much as someone could feel a voice. Nothing more than a small itch, quickly forgotten, but instantly becoming almost overbearing if left alone for too long.

“Already tired?” Naruto’s voice broke you out of your quiet thinking. Unbeknownst to you, your hand had stopped moving the saw, while your eyes watched — unseeing and not blinking — the sky and tree line, now knowing what to search for and not finding it, either.

You snorted lowly. “You’re the one wheezing like a broken faucet. I thought you’re one of these strong, trained ninjas? And then you lose against someone with no training at all?”

Instead of breaking into a pout, Naruto laughed at the jab. “Oh man, you’re totally used to it! That’s cheating, believe it!”

“Do you think I make doors on a daily base?” You shook your head, while your body picked up its task again. The sound of the wood getting cut again filled the air and beneath your hand, the tree started to shake again from the force of the saw moving back and forth. “No, before you came, my old door was close to ten years. Since the day I made it, there was not one problem. Until your sensei decided to try and kick it down.”

“Yeah… Sorry for that, believe it!” Naruto grinned over the wide body of the tree, whiskers crinkling in his smile. “I didn’t think he would react that way, you know? Mostly, he’s really indifferent and doesn’t seem to care much, but during the war, he said he loved us, so he must care about us a lot, after all!”

Mhmm… Strange. Are they really that close?

“That’s usually what the term “love” implies, yes.” you snarled and pushed the saw with more strength than necessary into the wood. “That someone cares deeply about you. I don’t see why you’re surprised by that.”

“Aah, yes. But you know… He’s very… How do I say this?” Naruto fumbled with the words and now, it was him who didn’t continue with the work. His arm went slack and his eyes stared blindly into the air, all the while you tried to rip the teeth of the saw out of the wood. Deeper than you anticipated, and you were weaker than you thought. Growling lowly and strangely annoyed at the world, you used your gift to carefully move the saw into the opposite direction. With a little tug, the tool was released and you continued to scowl at the offending metal, before properly settling it back in. Just the width of a hand and still so much left to do. And it had taken two hours to get this far.

You forgot how much work it was to work with ironwood.

I need to sharpen the saw in a few hours. Another two, maybe.

Naruto still didn’t move, eyes still blind and staring blankly. He was somewhere far away and you didn’t know if it was okay to snarl at him to rip him out of it. A few more moments in which you awkwardly waited, stared and fidgeted around, until you coughed softly.

“Boy? Still on this planet?”

Nothing. More awkwardly filled seconds, and you rolled your eyes towards the sky at the lethargy of the blond. “Blondie!” you hissed, what finally caused him to jerk out of his thoughts.

“Hm?” He looked over the brown bark, directly into your eyes. “Oh yeah, sorry. I kind of blacked out for a second. Let’s go, we have a tree to cut! What are we going to do with the pieces?”

He didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe, it was something personal and considering he seemed to come from a similar background as you did, you just accepted the silence with a weak nod, before falling into the see-sawing rhythm of the tool in your hands again. “First, we have to dry the wood a bit out. Right now, there’s still some resin oozing out of the wood, see?”

Of course, Naruto had to stick his finger into the wound you already sew into the tree and touch the aromatic, thick liquid glimmering inside. “It’s so sticky!” he exclaimed, full of childish wonder.

You snorted. “Have you never worked with resin before? It’s a common glue. I used it for some of my windows at the very start until I found something better.”

“Something better?”

“Yup.” Again, the motions of the saw picked up. You nearly cut through half of the tree and with the current speed, you were halfway convinced that you would be able to go through the whole tree before the sun would fully set. Then, the single stumps would rest for the night around the fireplace to dry out, what would make your hut stink like the insides of the tree, but you would also be able to get all the excess resin out of them.

Naruto was still staring at you, waiting for you to continue.

“What’s better than resin?” he asked.

The answer was as simple as it was probably gruesome. You grinned at the boy and looked him straight in the eyes, knowing your bared teeth and the cold expression in your eye would scare him. “Bone glue.”

And you were totally right. Before you could even think about how to reveal your little joke to him, the blond screeched like a banshee who found her next victim and jumped away from the saw, tree and you.

“B-b-bone glue!?” he screeched and pointed at you. “No, you won’t get my bones to glue your door together! They are mine!”

“Calm down!” you hissed immediately. “I already have some prepared for emergency repairs, you don’t have to freak out!”

“But… Bones?”

“Animal bones, of course! Damn, you’re not the brightest candle out there, aren’t you?”

“Hey! You looked at me a bit funnily, so I thought-!”

A snort escaped you, all the while you shook your head. The sunhat nearly fell off your head and you needed to steady the straw with a quick shove of your free hand. “You thought. Yeah, good joke.”

Just when Naruto bristled his feathers at the insult, a little teasing smile flashed over your face, before you lowered your head. To your misfortune, the blond saw that smile and his anger immediately faded away into the clear, blue sky.

“Aah, I knew you’re just joking, believe it! Of course, I just acted like I was scared! Obviously, you didn’t mean to use my bones for the glue!”

That boy… You rolled your eyes upwards until it felt like they would pop out of their sockets, only to breathe deeply in and gesture with the saw. “It doesn’t matter. Come back here, we still have a lot of stuff to do today.”

“Aye aye captain!”

“I’m not your captain!”

At your snark, Naruto only laughed brightly, all the while his hands went again towards the other handle of the two-way saw. “Alright, alright. But I don’t want to call you Witch-san all the time, you know?”

The sound of the saw echoed again through the air, allowing you to just ignore the rhetorical question, aiming to get to know your name. You could feel the expectant stare of the boy over the shared work. Never, you would reveal your name that easily. There was a bet running, after all, and if none of them got to know your name, then they would leave you alone.

Three days, you told yourself, all the while angrily driving the teeth of the saw into the wood, only three more days.

You should feel relieved at the thought. Though, you didn’t. Angry over your reasonless confusion, you drove the saw even harder into the wood.

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The wood had dried well overnight, and you even got a lot of resin out of the single blocks. Today, it was time to actually cut some of the blocks into manageable planks to put the door together. If you and Naruto were fast, then it should be just another day of work and an anxious night of waiting for the bone glue to dry properly, before you could switch out the doors.

I can burn the old door, probably. But not too soon. Or make another chair? A stool, maybe?

A stool would be good, you figured. Maybe a few stools, measured at the size of the door. Three, maybe? Or four? Or three stools and another chair, just in case?

No. You didn’t need other chairs or stools or anything else. There wouldn’t be anyone visiting you anytime soon. There was no one coming for you when the shinobi would leave. No one to sit down on these chairs or stools. So, they were useless. You had a well-functioning chair and that was enough. Nothing else. Nothing else, one chair was everything you needed.

Quickly, you shook your head, before reaching for your gift. The closed door swung open and the single, without a doubt heavy chunks of the tree all raised a few inches above the ground, only to form a single, neat row. Basically, waiting to be released into the free space of the clearing, eager to be shaped into planks and finally, a new door.

A really needed one, you would say.

It would be another long day, productive, but nevertheless long, and you weren’t in the mood chat for any amount of time to stretch out the process of making the door any more, but it took only a few steps out into the open, cradling a pot with a certain white paste, and you were already jumped.

“Hey,” Sakura’s voice was suddenly so close that you flinched and had to suppress the urge to throw the pot in your arms into the direction of her voice, “I was just asking myself if I should do the same stuff I did yesterday? Or should I watch out for something special?”

“Yes!” you hissed. Still with your hackles raised, you swiveled around and glared at the flabbergasted girl, who was probably taken back by your reappearing aggressiveness. “Just tend the garden, nothing fancy! I don’t want you to ruin-!”

No. No, even though her presence sent crawls right beneath your skin, like thousands of ants gnawing at your flesh. It wasn’t fair. Wasn’t, at all. These strange feelings of feeling lonely when you had been fine being alone for the last ten or twelve years were your problem, yours and yours only, and despite the obvious lack of manners, knowledge of social norms and care for the feelings of others, you knew better than to hurt a girl who only asked if she could do anything else than the task you had given to her.

Umi? I’m finished for today. Can I… Can I do anything else?

Can I? Can I? Stop stammering! And you aren’t finished, quit lying to me!

But I’m not lying! I’m really done!

Talking back to me!?

You stopped yourself, breathed deeply in, before pushing the air out in a long, suffering exhale. “That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. Yes, please do exactly what you have done yesterday, I don’t need anything more than that.”

“I can also help with the wood, you know?” Her surprise was visible in the way her eyebrows quirked upwards. Surprise you stopped yourself, surprise you actually apologized, pleasant surprise at the soft tone you used and made the effort to soften your attitude. Only around the edges, but still. Your actions didn’t go unnoticed.

Somehow, strangely enough, you felt… Felt actually for once good for apologizing. You threw a thin, but visible smile at her, before you regained the grip on yourself. Smiling at people, really? What would come next, inviting them into your hut for a nice, relaxed afternoon tea with chit-chatting and snacks?

“When you’re finished with the garden,” you mumbled and hurried past the girl, “Come to me. I will see if there’s anything else you can do.”

Gods, this is so embarrassing. Smiling, making apologies. Urgh.

I’m getting better at them.

That is not a reason to hobble up and down like a dog who learned a new trick.

The mysterious feeling of yesterday was still up in the air, creeping down your back and making you feel so uneasy that you actually thought about going back into your hut and shutting the door tightly. What could it be? You raked your brain up and down, tried to think of a reason, all the while you followed the floating row of tree stumps into the middle of the meadow, where they spread out under the eyes of Naruto, who was already waiting to begin.

You knew that premonition. You knew it, knew that feeling, but couldn’t connect the feeling to the something which would make you that uneasy.

The only thing you were sure about, was that the something you were expecting would be big. Another worried glance at the sky (you expected your something there, but still, nothing to see), before you turned to Naruto.

“They dried out well. Now, we will cut them into planks and assemble them correctly and I will handle the gluing.” The hands holding the pot with bone glue twitched upwards. “I don’t trust you to not waste all my resources.”

Naruto’s hands had twitched in expectation, while his blue eyes had turned into the same spring-blue above you, but as soon as he heard your order, the blond was pouting.

“You’re not trusting me?” he whined in a tone which reminded you of a grater rubbing over sheer stone.

“I don’t trust anyone. I thought by now, you would’ve realized that.” Coolly, you just raised an eyebrow at his antics. Instantly, the teen dropped his pout, the friendliness oozing out of him like a leaking faucet.

Good. He shouldn’t get too chummy. There was no way you would ever trust them.

Trust them fully. Fully, because I already let them in.

This is bad. Really, really bad.

We will see.

The pot with gooey, stinking bone glue rose into the air and hovered above your shoulder, all the while you gestured towards the wood. “Let’s get started. I want to be mostly done when the sun is high.” A wink, and the steel of a heavy saw blinked under the sun as it came flying over, right into your hand. With a little grunt, you heaved the tool upwards and placed the teeth across the edge of the stump. Hip-high, perfect to work on. You were so close to snarl at Naruto again, but then this boundless bundle of bright energy already gripped the other side of the saw and looked full of high expectations at you, still not one bit hurt by your harsh tone and voice. Instead, there seemed to be hesitant understanding laying in his blue eyes; understanding which made you almost back away from the sheer possibility of being known by someone.

The possibility scared and appealed to you like only a few things did before.

The work was tiring, straining and incredibly annoying, what was mostly due to Naruto’s increased insistent prodding at your private, past life. As soon as the saw began its work and the muscles in your arm started to burn in the same pleasant way only hard, independent work could summon, the teen’s mouth ran off.

“Do you have a favorite color?”

The first question, harmless enough. Nevertheless, you didn’t answer and kept your eyes trained on the first heavy block and made sure no one’s hands were in the way of the sharp teeth buried and moving through the wood. Well, until a quiet admission fell from your lips, one you didn’t almost hear yourself, which made Naruto beam at you like the sun itself.

“That’s a great color, though! I like orange a lot, but yellow and red are also great, believe it! What about your favorite food? Mine is the ramen from Ichiraku, believe it!”

Another stupid question. Only one of your eyebrows twitched in annoyance, but otherwise, you remained calm. “I have nothing in particular what I like, I guess.”

What does he want to achieve by doing this?

“Any hobbies? What do you like to do?”

“I don’t have the time to laze off. There’s always something to be done, kiddo.”

“But you do like to read, don’t you?”

You shrugged. “Yes. Books which teach me how to do stuff on my own.”

“But what about fun stories? Like adventure, horror or…” The blond shuddered visibly. “Romance?”

“I have one historical novel about the Founder Era. There are some fictional elements implemented, but mostly consists of non-fictional facts.”

You weren’t too sure, but when you looked up from your work, you thought you saw him rolling his eyes towards the sky. And wasn’t he mumbling about “pervy eremite’s novels at least seem to be fun” and weren’t “boring as fuck”?

With a low sigh, you stopped the saw for a second. Despite Naruto’s strength, the tool didn’t budge one inch when he pulled at the opposite handle, before looking up, beads of sweat glistening above his eyebrows. “Listen, kiddo,” you started, low and throaty, “How often do I have to repeat myself? I don’t have time to fool around. Surviving out here, without the support of a village in my back, is hard work, leaving no room to play around. If I read, then it will be something practical, what I can use for myself. Now, get back to sawing.”

But unluckily, he wasn’t finished yet. It took him only a few minutes, the exact time span the saw needed to cut right into the ground and the cut-off part to fall flatly to the ground, to recover properly and return to his usual, cheerful self.

“Is living in the woods tiring? Do you do everything on your own?” Naruto asked. Then, his eyes suddenly grew as wide as saucers. “Did you build your house on your own?”

You sighed lowly. “Yes. I did build that house entirely on my own.”

“The chimney? The roof? The toilet?”

If one wanted to call a hole in the ground with a lousily dug, improvised system of self-fabricated pipes “toilet”, then yes, you built that yourself. Under a lot of effort and not wanting to carry a bucket with your own feces to a faraway corner of the meadow, of course. For over a year, you had to repair and improve that system, dig up the pipes and deal with the stench of your own urine and shit. But again, doing this on your own and growing with the problem you had to face, you rose to the occasion.

Only with a hint of pride showing, you nodded. “Yep. Everything you see, I built with my two hands. Except for the glass in the windows and some small parts, like hinges, screws and other metal tools.”

“That’s so cool, believe it!” Naruto stretched his hand out, the hand balled into a fist, knuckles pointing wayward and clearly expecting something from you, what you on the other hand clearly not understood. You two were standing beside the block of wood, waiting to be worked on, while you could only stare mildly confused at the gesture.

The teen continued to hold out the fist. Held out and waited. You stared at his fist, the way the gesture should be threatening, but to you, it wasn’t. Then, you glanced into Naruto’s face and flinched weakly when you noticed his eyes watching every single movement.

His fist jerked slightly upwards. “Hey… You can’t just leave me hanging like this, believe it.”

Unwillingly, you clicked your tongue. “I don’t know what am I supposed to do. If this is a game for you, very funny, but we should get back to work-!”

“No!” Now, Naruto leaned over the top of the stump. “You have to bump your fists into mine, nothing else! I swear!” he said after you gave him a wary look. Again, his fist jerked into your direction, closer than you ever wanted and friendlier than you ever thought a fist could be. “Come on,” he smiled brightly, without a worry in the world, and for a mere split second, you hated the boy for his unbothered cheerfulness, “Just try it!”

Try it. Try it more. YOU DON’T TRY HARD ENOUGH, YOU’RE A NUISANCE, A PEST, NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE!

Unbeknownst to you, your hands fisted themselves into the fabric of your shirt as you stepped backwards, focus now entirely on the fist hanging between you and the boy. “No, really.” You stammered, swallowed, tried again. “No. I don’t want to do this. Let’s just get back to work.”

Without looking at Naruto, you picked the saw up. The handle was warm in your palm, but not as warm as the teen would’ve been when you would’ve made the step forward and did whatever he wanted you to do.

When was the last time someone touched me in a nice, gentle way?

No one. No one ever did.

But Naruto helped me up, didn’t he?

My memories are blurred, but… Yeah. Yes, he did.

Still, you shook steadily your head as you positioned the saw on the opposite side of the previously cut spot, ignoring the slowly lowering fist. “I just want to get finished. Please.”

Still not looking at Naruto, not daring to look into the deep, blue eyes, you stared ahead and followed the fine veins of the wood, while your hands trembled faintly.

“Can we please get to work?” You gritted your teeth, barely pressing these words out. “I want to get done. And one more question, I swear to the gods, you will find out that I sharpened the saw very well before I came out here.”

The rest of the work was spent in tense silence. A silence you certainly didn’t mind, especially when you shushed the blond away to assemble the door correctly and directed a brush and a small bowl with water to come and fly out of your open, broken door.

Spring was a good time to air out the hut. With a quick wave of your fingers, all the windows opened with a loud clutter. Sakura’s surprised scream echoed from behind the wooden hut over the meadow and you smiled weakly to yourself, before making sure that all the sides of the neatly cut planks were carefully dabbed with the waterproof bone glue. All the while, there was still this bad feeling in the back of your head, and even when you still didn’t know what you searched for, you looked up into the sky until your eyes grew tired, the door was set and your gift nearly spent.

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A storm was coming. You could feel it in the air and in your bones. A heavy downpour, with strong winds, lightning and thunder shaking the earth, rustling through the trees and rip some of the oldest ones out of the ground. Spring storms. Your absolute favorite. That was the bad feeling over the last days. Such a big storm… You didn’t experience such a big one in years and deep down, you were excited for the first, infamous thunder to crack through the sky, ripping the clouds open and letting the rain soak the grass, earth and plants.

Needless to say, you sung loudly when you went through your usual morning routine, minus the morning herbal tea. Even that major detail wasn’t that much of a hindrance anymore as you slipped into a new set of working clothes, only a little bit less faded than the other fabrics you wore over the last two days. In a small pile, the shirt, skirt and underwear were reeking of sweat and hard labor, of residual resin and wood. Definitely in need of a thorough wash, with lots of soap, water, more soap and more water.

Maybe the rain could do that for you, too.

It will be glorious, you thought to yourself while you almost danced out of your hut, humming and staring full of giddy excitement at the blue sky. Nothing to be seen, not even a single cloud. Your grin grew even wider. Great, a surprise-storm. The best of the best. The best of all rewards for the hardships of the last days. Your grin widened even further and it just stayed there, even when Naruto and Sakura walked over, side by side and whispering among each other. Apparently, they had just said their goodbyes to Sasuke, who you only saw as a shadow hopping through the trees, before even that impression was swallowed by the green of the forest.

“Good morning!” Sakura exclaimed and waved. “A good day, isn’t it?”

“Indeed, indeed.” The pleasantry fell easily from your lips, carried by the good mood you were in. “A great day, in my opinion, but only a good day for someone else. Anyway.” Before one of the teens could even exchange an estranged glance, you continued, untypically chipper and as happy as an unsocial hermit could be. “Today, we just need to let the doors dry a bit longer. The sun is going to shine until the early afternoon, and I can carry them inside to wait out the storm on my own. I won’t need your help today, so you can go and join the emo-kid to work at your mission.”

If I’m lucky, it will be the last day, too.

“Eeeh!?” Naruto screamed and for once, you didn’t mind the loud, annoying sound the tiniest bit. The jaw of the boy nearly hit the ground as he only gaped at you, pointing over his shoulder at the door, still laying right in the middle of the meadow, stabilized by four of the other stumps around. With your gift, you had held the door up, while Naruto had shoved the heavy parts in position, basically squeezing and holding the door between them, making sure the planks would stay together.

In a few hours and another night in the proximity of the warmth of the fireplace, the glue surely would withstand every storm, rain or other weather phenomenon which would come in the following ten or twenty years. You wouldn’t place your hand in the fire for another hasty shinobi attack, though.

Even thinking about the infuriating shinobi made you in conclusion think about the still unopened scroll of books, tugged away underneath your bed, only to be glared at in the darkness of the night when you were sure none of the teenagers would sneak a peek into your hut or watch out for a single movement of yours.

“What does that mean,” Naruto asked, “You don’t need us today? Is that really it? You just used this glue? What about nails and hinges?”

“Exactly what I said, I don’t need either of you today.” You answered. Then, you nodded at the destroyed door, the hole still covered by the rabbit fur. “And this door is also only glued together, the hinges I already have installed on that door will also be used on that one.” You pointed at the new barrier, enclosed by the four stumps. “Bone glue is really strong and is able to withstand some rain or wind and even snow. Besides, you should really use the time to prepare for the storm tonight.”

“A storm?” Sakura echoed. Her green eyes flew upwards, checked the sky and saw the endless spring-blue, the sun shining freely on the sky, only to return to give you a confused-amused look. “It doesn’t look like a storm will come down for the next week.”

A little bit condescending, isn’t she?

We will see what she says when the wind has blasted her tent all across the clearing.

Instead of starting a discussion, instead of wasting even more time, you shrugged weakly and turned away from them. “Alright. Then, call it a nervous tick of a hermit. Nevertheless, I don’t need your help right now. No pair of extra hands needed, for anything. You can go now. Shush.”

Like their presence was already gone from your mind, you turned towards the newly-made door, checked the edges for any irregularities, running your hands and fingers all over the wood, felt the roughness and blemishes as well as the smoothness of some spots. A wooden door was a living door, and you smiled weakly to yourself to another work well done.

They still stood in your back, debating with each other. Eyes closed, you cocked your head to the side and checked their auras. They were the only humans for a few miles, neither Sasuke nor Kakashi were anywhere near the meadow.

I could attack them, right here, right now. They are not focused, have forsaken their defenses. They think I’m ignoring them. If I’m quick enough, a surprise attack could take out…?

Who’s first? Naruto or Sakura?

Naruto. I have to take him out first. This thing inside of him, Kurama, is too dark and powerful. My only chance is a surprise, so he has no chance to react. Sakura though? With my powers, I can take her on, no matter what she’s capable off.

Dark thoughts, dark intentions. For some seconds, you reveled in the chance which was offered to you on a silver platter, but… But…!

With a low sigh, you returned to check the door, while the voices of the two teens faded into the background. If they wanted or not, the storm was coming and sooner or later, they would see what you meant.

Over the course of the day, you managed to take the old door out of the hinges, carefully unhooked the small loops and managed to hook them again into the old door. A little change of plans, as the storm was approaching even faster than you anticipated. Late afternoon, not in the wake of the evening, the clouds started to pile up on the horizon and the first angry gusts of wind started to ruffle in a dark premonition of what was about to come through the leaves. Just in time to hang the new door into the hinges and get the old, now useless one inside of your hut.

Proudly, you examined your new entrance and tested it a few times, swinging the door back and forth, with your hands and mind. A little bit heavier than your old one, but you would surely soon get used to the little bit of extra weight. Definitely sturdier than the last one, too. And definitely better suited to keep out these pesky shinobi.

As always during the last days, whenever these words would come into your head, they missed their usual snark and bite. The danger emitting from every word, the absolute unwillingness to accept this team in your life, even though they did nothing but be unbearable friendly to you.

You were even able to admit that you felt slightly — only slightly — sympathetic for knowing they would be soaked to the bones in only a matter of minutes when the storm would start, without a chance of recovery. Out here, on the free, unprotected meadow. Sure, they could seek shelter deeper in the woods, but with such a big storm coming…

You smiled to yourself. No, there was no chance they would be able to get through the night without getting at least the flu. Okay, maybe Naruto would get through it. The demon, as dark and old as it seemed to you, seemed honestly concerned for the wellbeing of its host and that included the circumstances of the stormy weather, but didn’t include teaching the host a valuable lesson in taking a step back and not touch anything strange at first sight.

It’s not my concern! I don’t care about them! And ultimately, they don’t care about me, not more than they care about their mission!

I need to get my shit together. Is it my damn problem if they will get wet tonight? They are old enough to know how to build a secure shelter, even in the pouring rain.

But it will be a really big storm…

I don’t care!

“Don’t think about it,” you mumbled to yourself, as you closed the door and stepped fully into the wide living room, “Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, just don’t think about-! Oh, are you fucking kidding me!?”

They didn’t even try. As you looked out of the window and noticed what had changed at the small camp a few meters away, you just couldn’t control the shout of blatant disbelief any longer. Sure, in the morning, it really hadn’t looked like the weather would change this drastically, but now…

Now, thick, dark clouds piled visibly on the horizon and with every passing minute, they inched closer and closer towards the forest and thus, the meadow. And these damn children were still doing nothing useful to secure their tents! Couldn’t they feel the pressure in the air? The incoming harsh breeze? The forsaken smell of rain and ozone in the wind?

But no, like some children on an ordinary camping trip, they just seemed to hope an adult would show up to save the day, wrap them into warm, fuzzy blankets and give them a pat on the back, while cooing them into slumber.

Hissing lowly, you watched them from your window, how Naruto frantically tried to strengthen the flimsy, makeshift constructions by hammering kunai into the earth, the circles at the handles connected by thin wires to the skeleton of the tents. Sakura was busy handling the fire and throwing worried glances over her shoulder at the closing in front of clouds. There was no sign of Sasuke, but he was probably still busy with their oh-so-secret mission.

You could sit out the storm in your hut, like you always did, on your own and alone, probably bent over the scroll and the damn useless book to try once more to decipher the strange symbols which contained the books you rightfully earned. The storm was their problem, theirs and theirs alone, not yours.

Yeah, I try to tell myself that.

Try harder.

Sure.

Growling under your breath, you closed abruptly the curtains, your grip so strong the fabric groaned weakly. You scowled, before turning away with all the determination you possessed (and that was not a small amount, by no means) towards the bed. Still with the scowl on your face, you quickly walked over to your bed, kneeled down and scrambled for the scroll and book. Your fingertips scraped over the dreaded metallic box and you flinched backwards, before gritting your teeth and pushing past the offending piece, before you finally felt the leather edges of the book. Quickly, like you burned yourself a few seconds ago, you pulled the book and scroll out of their hiding place and gave the darkness beneath your bed a deathly, disgusted glare, before scrambling away.

This thing underneath was just another thing reminding you of worse times and you weren’t really excited to unpack it when you had to go back into the village to get the bare necessities. But everything at its own time. Now, it was only you, the scroll filled with books and the book to finally solve the problem.

Only these.

Harder!

I’M TRYING!

You’re not trying hard enough.

I know… I know. I can’t, not anymore.

Yeah. They’re already not “just a pair of extra hands” anymore.

You sighed deeply. Dumb feelings and dumb, incredibly dumb complications. Like you hadn’t learned your lesson all those years ago. Don’t trust anyone, never. It was just not worth it. And until this strange team of shinobi arrived, you managed to keep your facades up, to shove anyone who came too close away before they could hurt and betray and use you. Not that there were a lot of people who actually wanted to come close…

Another sigh fell from your lips. In your mind, you already knew what was about to happen, but in your heart, you still struggled to accept the conclusion your head already made. With a third, low and deepest sigh, you pushed the sigil book and sealed scroll again beneath the bed, stood up, dusted yourself off, before walking over to the new door.

The wind was already howling around the sharp edges of your hut, creaking and groaning under the pressure. Even from your position a few meters away, you were able to hear the fluttering of the water, but not windproof tents. The teens didn’t notice you right away, too busy packing up their things and secure their tents. Hasty motions, stumbling and loud voices echoed over the harsh wind, while you tried to decide what to do.

It would be brutal. They weren’t your problem. They were old enough, they were so young; they should be able to protect themselves from such a storm, they needed help — like you had needed help so many years ago, with no one there to give the desperately needed helping hand, a little bit of hope while sleeping in a similar storm outside, the water pooling around your mouth and sinking into your bones, drowning-!

Your mouth already formed the words before you could catch yourself. The dreaded, scary, inviting words which would change your life maybe even more than the moment the shinobi arrived on your clearing did, fell disturbingly easy from your lips.

“HEY! COME INSIDE!”

Scared by the loudness of your own voice, you didn’t even wait for the children to look up from their work or to check if they even heard your invitation. Instead, you just left the new door open.

That had to be enough of a sign for them.

Chapter Text

Only mere minutes passed, before the first step was taken into your hut, followed by another. Like the sky watched them, the first drops of rain started to hit the roof of your hut just as Sakura joined Naruto, both of their arms full with the backpacks left behind by their team members, while their own where strapped onto their backs. Also, the tents had vanished miraculously into thin air, only for you to recognize the same fabric of the flimsy tents hastily rolled up and hanging right below the backpacks in specifically designed straps.

Crafty little shinobi.

You turned away after the little glance over your shoulder, washing the potatoes you collected over the day with some kind of religious devotion. On the outside, you tried to maintain a calm and collected mask, never slipping from your control and never cracking. On the inside though, you felt again like a nervous child you had once been, always awaiting a hit in the back and mean words, insulting your intelligence, your body, face or general state of presence. Your home was invaded. You willingly let them in, they would attack, they were two, they were stronger, you would lose-!

Shuffles in your back, loud steps and the screech of the legs of your only chair. Probably Naruto, who didn’t need any time to make himself familiar with the surroundings. Sakura, on the other hand…

“It’s really spacious in here,” the girl said in a disbelieving, pleasantly surprised tone, “Your hut doesn’t look this big from the outside.”

“Mhm.” You hummed under your breath and continued to wash the potatoes. The cold water streamed over your hands, sometimes mixed with the occasional wet leaf, some sand or small stones, but you brushed these nuisances off. You didn’t know how they got into the pipes you buried deep in the earth and also didn’t find the motivation to fix that problem until now.

More steps shuffling around, while another mighty wave of wind ripped at your home. “Are those all of your balms and potions you have currently?”

“Yes.”

“Do you have any recipes? Or do you remember everything?”

“Yes and no.”

Short answers, stick to short answers.

They are already in here? Why am I still resisting?

The potato you were currently washing slipped away, bounced around in the sink, made out of pure stone and smoothed until no more edges would accidently slice your skin open, while you tried to concentrate. “I have some recipes written down,” you continued weakly, “only the complicated and barely used ones, though. The others I have memorized.”

Thankfully, Sakura didn’t comment further on it. She only hummed and continued to study the shelf with an unusually intense and with her hands crossed behind her back, all the while Naruto was chatting away, not caring anyone was listening. “…I told you so, Sakura, it’s really nice in here! And totally better than sitting out there in our tents! One thing I should put on my list, to make waterproof and windproof tents for the shinobi to take with them. We would’ve frozen our asses off, sitting inside them!”

“Do that.” The kunoichi was too far gone to really react to Naruto’s blabbering. Another glance over your shoulder, and you had to make actually the effort to keep your mouth in a straight, thin line and not perk upwards at the sight of the younger girl leaning forward, almost into the shelf, so close to the different pots and potions that the tip of her nose nearly brushed over the hardened and yet fragile material.

Carefully you picked up the next potato, washing off the last bits of dirt. Your fingers were clumsy; stiff from the icy water, but you were used to it. A quick stretch of your fingers, and you continued to prepare your dinner, while the rain outside started to hammer on the roof, while the wind picked up its pace.

The storm just had started and it would probably last until the very wake of morning. Your gut feeling told you that.

“You can touch them, you know?” you said, while washing the next potato off, “before you push them all over with your nose.”

“Really?” Sakura asked. “You don’t mind?”

“Before I have to wipe your nose grease off the pots, I prefer you touching them.” Just a few more potatoes, then you would be finished. More than you anticipated, but inviting the shinobi into your home was, after all, a spontaneous decision. Made more with your heart than your head, and your head hated you with the fire of the sun itself for it. All the while, the soft tinkering of the porcelain and Naruto’s loud chatter filled the usual silence of the room, which had only seen so many people once or twice during your live in the forest.

When you were finished washing the potatoes off all the dirt, you gestured towards a candle sitting on the nightstand. Immediately, it flew over and you snapped your fingers at the wick, which instantly flickered to life. Then, a drawer to your right flew open and a small knife flew into your waiting hand.

No. I can train a bit more. Precise cuts.

Also shows them that I’m still on my toes around them.

Then it’s probably a good idea.

Gently, you pried your fingers again open and guided one of the bigger potatoes, around the size of your balled fist, into the air, only to start to slowly peel them with the also flying knife. The first strip of skin was falling, quickly followed by another and the one after that.

“It looks so cool when you do this.”

Naruto’s voice had changed from his excited ramble to a surprised, totally in awe tone. His blue eyes were locked at the floating potato and knife, which still followed your orders and obediently continued to peel. By now, the skin was coming off in larger and longer stripes, dropping piece for piece into the sink.

Sakura looked up from her close inspection and her eyes grew wide at the display of your powers. But she didn’t ask anything, just stood and stared, before abruptly turning away and looking again at the balms and potions.

Naruto didn’t care though. Like a monkey on too much sugar, he jumped out of his seat and hobbled over to the sink, while you crossed your arms and had half of your mind on the knife. The strips of potato skins grew even longer than before. You only had to correct the knife two times, the two long strips falling into the sink.

“What’s your power?” he asked and watched with wide eyes how another strip of potato skin fell. “Like, I don’t feel any chakra coming from you. Kurama says I have to ask you, because this is also not natural chakra. I would feel it.”

Natural chakra? Your head swirled, but you shoved all these confusing, friendly words into the back of your mind. “I move things,” you mumbled, “and I feel stuff. The presence of people, their intentions. That’s everything.”

“But why?”

“I don’t know.”

“For how long do you have these powers?”

“Since I can remember.”

“Maybe a Kekkai Genkai?” Sakura betrayed herself to be eavesdropping on the hushed conversation. You shot her a nasty glare, as she slapped a hand over her mouth with an absolutely surprised, horrified expression on her face. She looked at you, looked at Naruto, looked back at you, only to slowly release the clamp over her mouth.

“Sorry for interrupting,” she attempted to smile, but failed spectacularly in your opinion, “I was just…”

“Eavesdropping?” you chimed in. “Yeah. I noticed.”

Hurt flashed over her face, and even Naruto, who wasn’t the brightest candle out there gave you a disappointed glance.

You had to say something. Something, anything, anything was better than the silent judgement from your left and the silent, yet even louder injury your careless words caused.

“Because the hut is small,” you stumbled hectically over the words, “you can’t help but to listen. It’s… it’s alright, because you couldn’t help it. That was everything I wanted to say.” You turned again to the sink, ears feeling strongly hot and bothered, all in all. The knife picked up its task again, but instead of the careful, neat stripes, large wasted chunks of the valuable potatoes dropped into the small basin, while you still could feel Naruto’s and Sakura’s eyes on you.

God, can they stop staring at me? This is so embarrassing, I haven’t even done anything!

It was the closest to an apology I ever gave them. Of course, they will suddenly stop and stare at me like I have grown a second head.

The wind continued to howl, the rain continued to dance on the roof, and you continued to peel the last bits of the potatoes. The awkward silence was only disturbed by the occasional gush of wind hitting your hut, the wood creaking under the impact and the strange fullness of your usually private space.

A knock echoed thankfully through the space, weak and yet demanding to be acknowledged. Before you could react, Sakura sprinted over to the door and opened to the stranger. Anger shortly flared up. Who gave her the right to just-!

But it was only Sasuke, hair dripping and looking all around like a wet cat. Grumpy and the coat hanging off of his shoulders like wet fur. He stepped over the doorstep quickly and Sakura closed the door, just in time before another wave of rain hit the meadow.

Only the weak dripping sounds of his coat echoed into the silence.

Right. Another… guest. I hope they have enough food.

The important thing is, do I have enough food?

Sure, sure. The potatoes are more than enough for me and should give me at least three dinners. Together with some meat and herbs, maybe four or even five evenings, if I stretch it out.

But… Could I feed us four with that in one evening if needed?

In the back of your mind, you were aware that the little team huddled up in one corner and spoke in hushed voices, too silent for your ears to catch more than a few words and syllables, while Sasuke slowly peeled himself out of his wet coat. Awkwardly, he held the cloth in his single hand, the other sleeve hanging down without a sign of resistance.

“Witch,” Sakura and Naruto gasped both at Sasuke’s uncaring tone and possibly, also the choice of names, “Is there somewhere I could hang up my coat?”

In total difference to what the younger people believed, the name “Witch” didn’t faze you. It was the only name which had ever mattered to you in any sense, the only name the villagers didn’t corrupt with their hate (well… not only hate). They feared you just as well as they hated you with a passion, and the title of a solemn witch living all alone in the woods added only a fearsome shine to your figure. It helped dealing with people who thought they could walk all over you despite their helpless situation.

So, you just waved over your shoulder, what caused the coat to jump out of Sasuke’s grip (surprisingly strong and only letting go after the fabric nearly ripped) and hang itself over the same self-made clothes rack, which flew out of its hiding place near your separated door to the bathroom. The rack placed itself with a soft ‘clack’ of the wooden legs near the fireplace, followed by the wet fluttering of the coat dropping onto the panels of the rack.

Quiet whispers out of their corner, before…

“Thanks.” Sasuke grumped.

Another wave over your shoulder, this time without any bits of your gift involved. Your mouth was pressed into a thin line, really putting in the effort of not saying anything or talking to your guests. To your unwanted guests, dammit!

“Can we help with anything?” Sakura asked in your back. Her voice was closer than her whispers before, her steps masked by the storm outside. Subconsciously, you flinched away, before getting a grip on yourself.

“Just unpack and prepare your beds,” you mumbled and hid your trembling fingers by grabbing the knife out of the air and peeling the very last potato by yourself, with your own hands, “search for some space. The table can be moved around if you need more.”

“Sweet!” Naruto boomed and you could basically feel his grin lightening up the room. “And man, I’m hungry!” A few ruffles of clothing, a few dejected sighs and, finally, a triumphant “Aha!”

You glanced over your shoulder. Naruto had shuffled through his backpack and held now in his hand a strange cup with some kind of paper lid on top of it in his hand. It was big, maybe big enough for two meals if one was careful with the inside, and the sides were just as colorful as the wild roses of the forest when they were in full bloom. Your eyes nearly hurt from the unusual, bright coloring, but maybe, they were by now used to it. Used to it because of the red clothing of Sakura and the bright orange hue of Naruto’s pants and jacket.

His bright blue eyes turn to you, still creased in his wide and strangely familiar grin. “Hey, Onee-san! Can I use your pot to boil some water? I want to cook my three-minute-ramen, so, if you don’t mind?”

There’s so much to unpack there. What is ramen? What does it have to do with boiling water? Why is Naruto calling you “Onee-san”, why is he calling you that, that is so strange!

The question is so pressing, so urgent, so important, that that is the first conscious thought you could loudly utter.

“Onee…san?” you whispered.

“Yeah!” Naruto grinned. “I won’t call you “witch”. That’s a stupid name. So, it’s Onee-san!” He seemed pretty proud of himself for thinking of that solution, before shaking his raised hand with the strange cup once more. “Can I use the pot now?”

Still dazed, you nodded. Onee-san… You heard that from some other children in the village you had lived so long ago in. Younger siblings had said that to their older sisters or to older girls which were just as close as sisters. Older girls, who were admirable and responsible, a vantage point for the younger ones and an idol to look up to.

Did Naruto see you in the same light? Was that one reason why he chose “Onee-san” as a name? At the thought, sickness spread in your stomach. No, you weren’t one to look up to. Idolizing and following you would be a grave mistake. One you wouldn’t allow anyone to make.

But what if Naruto didn’t think any of it? What if he really just chose the nickname because you were older than him? Hastily, you rubbed your palms over the side of your thighs, before speaking up. “Listen, kiddo…”

He was already pouring some water into the black pot, but the blond looked up from his task as soon as he heard you. “Yeah?”

“Can you not call me “Onee-san”?”

“Why not? It’s definitely better than “Witch”!”

“Please. Just don’t.”

“Why-?”

“I just don’t want to be called that!”

Sakura and Sasuke, who had weakly conversed with each other, immediately fell silent at your sharp bark. Wide sea green eyes bore into the side of your face, while a pair of black eyes inspected the situation with the intensity of a cat watching its next meal.

Naruto, in comparison, obviously was taken back. He blinked, once and twice, then coughed lowly. “Uhm, I’m sorry, I guess. I won’t do it again, believe it! Please, let me cook the water?”

Disgruntled, you nodded, before turning around and trying to calm down yourself. God, you never thought the hut would be too small for you, but right now, with three other people inside the single room which were meant for you and you alone…

There was no way to hide. No room for some privacy to recharge. No, absolutely no chance you would get a little bit of calmness. The noise, no matter how silent the two teens in one corner tried to whisper and no matter how little Naruto tried to bang around the pot he carried, was so grating. Aggravating. A mighty headache was just waiting to erupt right between your eyes, and you reached up and massaged your temples, but it was probably useless.

They were just so loud.

Every little motion, every whispered word, every little step of them was like an avalanche. Roaring and thundering in the small room, enough to make you grimace and flinch at every bit of noise. Outside, it wasn’t as bad. You could walk away, and their voices would get lost in the air and forest around. But not this time, caged by the hut.

At the thought of being caged, the memory of a wolf which made the mistake of getting into one of the stables of the villagers rose in your mind. The poor thing had rattled at the locked doors and howled in agony at being striped of its freedom, while the townspeople gathered around the stable with forks and shovels. A little discussion had ensued, before they had called you over and ordered you to kill the wolf. There was no room to discuss. Only seconds after you heard of the wolf in the first place, you were shoved inside the stable and had watched a wild animal going crazy. At the sound of the doors being shoved shut, the wolf had paused its frantic pacing and looked at you. Your heart had pounded loudly in your chest as you froze, seeing the big, wild eyes and the big, tooth-rich maw of the wolf. For a second, you expected it to jump and attack you, bite you to death, but instead, the wolf had started to whine. It had lowered its head, took a few steps forward, stopped and stared at you. Its flanks were trembling and its legs were shaking from all the running and trying to find another way out.

You had felt sympathy for the wolf, and even though you already knew you would be punished if you didn’t kill it, you just had to make a big enough hole in a badly patched spot on the backside of the barn. The wolf hadn’t moved an inch as you prepared its escape, just brushed past you with a little whimper when it squeezed itself into freedom.

Even though your prediction about the reaction of the villagers became true, you didn’t regret saving the animal. It deserved to live free and wild in the woods, it had been an accident that it came into the stable and scared all the farm animals in there. No one had been hurt, nothing had happened.

The point was, you felt right now like a caged wolf. Going out wasn’t an option. The storm prevented that. You had to live for now with the decision to let the teens in, and that also meant you couldn’t take a time-out currently by simply going outside. No screaming, no shouting, no running away.

No way out.

While you massaged your temples and tried to control your flaring temper, the voices of Sakura and Sasuke picked again up, all the while Naruto continued to hum lowly while placing the pot again on the hanger above the fireplace. Boiling the water would take some time, and you dreaded the waiting time more than anything. It meant Naruto had some space and time to ask more questions. More uncomfortable questions and more questions you had to deflect.

You waited. Waited and feared the moment, your arms slung around yourself and with the back to the intruders. And it came indeed, but the question surprised you nevertheless.

“Can we help with something?” Sakura asked. “We have some more rations of our food available and it would only be fair to share them with you, for giving us shelter.”

“I don’t think you have anything I’m interested in.” With a locked jaw, you turned around. “Just keep your food. You don’t have that much anymore, don’t you?”

The girl’s eyes though told you that she wouldn’t let go of that topic. Like a damn hunting dog, not letting go of its prey. “But it would be considered bad manners on our part,” she continued and was already shuffling through her backpack, “to not offer you anything, so would you just humor me, for the sake of it?”

With a low sigh, you nodded. Giving them a tiny bit of room to work with would maybe keep them of you back. Tiny pieces of information and courtesy, to deny and block off any kind of important information. Still with protectively crossed arms, you stepped closer to the girl, who was on her knees and shuffled in an insane speed through all of the backpacks, before the boys could even speak up against it. Various articles of clothing, shuriken, kunai and a few scrolls rolled over the ground, before Sakura mumbled something under her breath and rose her hand. Paper crinkled as she presented you a strange package, again with an almost unbearable colorful appearance. “Here! That’s my last one and is usually only for emergencies, but I think it would be a good thing for you to have a taste.”

You made no effort to reach out. “What is that?”

“Uhm…” She inspected the package. “Apparently this is Strawberry filling, but I always had the feeling it tastes more like watermelon. Oh, and are you allergic? Nuts, for example?”

“No. But what exactly is that?”

Sakura blinked. “Chocolate. With… Strawberry filling. Wait, do you not know what chocolate is?” Even Sasuke, who wasn’t the epitome of open expressions seemed visibly confused by the admission, while Naruto had gasped weakly and gripped overly dramatic into his jacket, right above where his overly big heart was.

You shrugged weakly. Sure, you heard in theory about chocolate, now that the girl mentioned it, but what was “filling”? Was that something to enhance the taste of chocolate somehow? Not to talk about that you had no idea what chocolate was supposed to taste like. You lived in the forest and in a remote village for your entire life. Chocolate was a luxury item, which was only available for the rich and mighty, surely not for the ones who already little and were already scoffed at when they just walked through the single street of their town.

Deadpanned, Sakura stared at you. Then, a blinding smile spread over her face, before she raised the hand with the chocolate again into your face. “Well, then I have to insist you take it. Eat it as a dessert! It’s delicious, you will see!”

“Yeah!” Naruto nodded wildly. “Chocolate is pretty good, even though I prefer ramen, believe it!”

Sasuke only rolled his eyes. Not a fan of chocolate, then.

You rolled your eyes too, only on the inside. Sakura wouldn’t let go of this. She insisted. Probably would also make sure you would at least try the chocolate and not just bury it somewhere and let it rot. With your very fingertips, you took the package and smiled thinly at the girl, before stuffing the bar into a pocket of your skirt. “Thank you. It wasn’t necessary, though.”

“Oh yes!” Naruto peered into the pot. “Oh yes, believe it! Totally necessary! I mean, you allowed us to come inside when this huge storm came so suddenly. But you knew about it beforehand, didn’t you? How did you do that?”

Again, you shrugged. “I just… knew. A premonition, I guess.”

“Pretty useful.” For the first time, Sasuke chimed in. He was leaning against the wall, his right flank brushing the shelf with potions. His empty sleeve hung down, a little bit wet and a little bit sad. The sheath of the katana was right beside him, like he couldn’t bear the thought of being parted from it for a few minutes. “At least, in this case.”

The water was boiling by now. Bubbles rose and steam curled right below the exit of the chimney. Naruto grunted, pulled the lid halfway off the cup and carefully poured the hot water into it, only to close the lid again.

“What’s the point of this?” you asked.

Naruto gestured around, hands flailing and miraculously never spilling a single drop of his meal. “It’s three-minute Ramen! I like it a lot and I always keep an extra cup on missions! It’s not as good as Ichiraku’s Ramen, but it’s a great second, believe it!”

“It’s unhealthy.” Sakura grumped while carefully folding a few clothes and placing them back into their belonging backpacks. “All the additional stuff they put in, all the sugar and salt. At least, I should be happy you’re not living off of cup ramen anymore.”

“Yeah! Now, that Ichiraku gives me free ramen because I saved Konoha, I can go there whenever I want!” Naruto was a lot like an excited kid. He hobbled forward and backward, his grin almost infectious and spreading throughout the room. Not even Sakura could keep up her stern façade, Sasuke showed the smallest signs of comfort inside the room and you had to keep yourself from enjoying the situation far too much.

Slowly, some of the smell out of the inside of the strange cup whiffed through the hut. While you walked back to the sink and started to cut the potatoes in half, then into quarters, the intense and spicy, but absolutely delicious and spittle-inducing scent whiffed around your nose in a mean tease, like it wanted to entice you to steal the cup right out of Naruto’s hands.

Obviously, you wouldn’t do such a thing. Instead, you felt secretly for the little bump in your skirt, where the crinkly paper of the chocolate bar rested. Today, you would have a feast, alone because you would be able to eat something you hadn’t entirely assembled, grown, produced and cooked on your own.

In your back, the shinobi started to chatter among themselves, not even caring about the homey noise. Banter, badly hidden insults and more questions about Kakashi’s whereabouts flew around, bounced between the walls and echoed in your head, and, in total difference to other instances when your hut had been invaded by other people, you didn’t mind the chatter. Sure, it was a change and your mind was antsy, screaming at you to get the hell out of there, but after a while, you could push this little voice away and even enjoy the noise to some extent, even though you glared at Naruto every time he forgot to use an “indoor”-voice and started to rant about this or that in between of slurping his noodles.

By now, you were finished preparing the potatoes. With a crick of your fingers, the pot with hot water still sloshing in its stomach jumped off the hooks and flew over. Someone gasped loudly (you couldn’t differ between Naruto’s and Sakura’s gasp at all, and Sasuke didn’t seem to be the type to “gasp”). Water poured into the black kettle, before it went right back into its place for the additional water to also be cooked.

“So…” Sakura spoke up again, and you mentally tried to prepare yourself for any kind of question the girl could utter, “Are there any kind of people you care for with all these potions and balms?”

Now, that wasn’t too bad. Still, a bit risky, but not as trauma-inducing like Naruto’s nicknaming habit. “Sometimes. The nearby village tends to send some hopeless cases to me when the doc there can’t help them anymore.”

“What? How do they make it here, when they are hopeless?”

“Depends if they are strong and desperate enough. Some probably die on the way here.”

Shocked silence. Only when a bundle of dried meat came down from the joist and landed softly in your hands, Sakura spoke again. This time, she clearly was worried, for the villagers who took the — without a doubt — long and sometimes also dangerous way into the woods and towards your hut.

“Desperate?” she asked. “What do you mean “desperate”?”

“It should be obvious.”

“But the way you said it, makes me think you mean it in a whole different way.”

Observant little…

With a low sigh, you squared your shoulders. “For one, they are so sick that their trusted doctor can’t help them anymore. Second, the villagers aren’t really that fond of me and barely tolerate me in the woods, which is, in their eyes, still part of the village.”

“You live miles away from the village!” Naruto exclaimed, rightfully angry.

“Tell them that,” you answered, while you hid the small smile tugging at the corners of your lips with your whole body and by lowering your head over the chunks of dried meat. “Tell them that and they will flip their shits. In their opinion, the forest is theirs, as far as they can walk within one day. Unfortunately, my hut and this clearing are just an hour outside of this distance, so they just claim that it still belongs to them.”

Sasuke snorted. “It’s a wild forest,” he mumbled over the crackling of the fire and the bubbling of the boiling water, “it belongs to nobody but the nature.”

“Finally, someone gets it.” A wave of your hand, and the kettle came again floating towards the sink. Another thought, which tempted the chunks of potatoes to jump into the water, and the kettle hung itself once more into the built hooks over the fireplace, all under the watchful eyes of the group of colorful misfits. “But as I said, try to tell that the villagers.”

At the mere image of the group trying to talk some sense into the thickheaded, superstitious idiots which habituated the town, you smiled a little bit to yourself. A strange image, but… Nevertheless, a good one. And the imagination went even further. A warm ball of unnamed emotions curled in your stomach, warmed your chest at the thought of them doing this for you, and not anybody else.

Yeah, that would be a miracle.

But Sakura had still her eyebrows wrinkled up, like something bothered her deeply and she wouldn’t let go of the topic yet. “Why are you living so far out then? Just barely out of their borders, like you just said?”

Dangerous topic.

The little girl likes to play risky.

Your fingers trembled only the tiniest bit as you lowered the knife to the cutting board. The metal clinked audibly, and all of them flinched weakly at the almost thundering sound in the tense silence. “I like it,” you bit the inside of your cheek until you tasted blood, “So far out here. It’s quiet and peaceful. Nobody who asks pesky questions.”

Even from your position, with the back turned to the teens, you could almost hear how the blood rushed into Sakura’s face. The crackle of the fireplace was the only thing in the single room, together with the silent slurping of Naruto and the icy silence of Sasuke. They were only disturbed by the crinkle of the wrappers as the shinobi unpacked their sparse dinner and started to munch on their dry rations, probably to fill the silence with a little bit more than their own breathing and the sounds of you working on your own meal.

Probably, they also wanted to escape the delicious scents whiffing around the hut. The fire only enhanced them, made the smell of potatoes, meat and herbs even stronger than before. It mingled with the intense scent of the ramen, in a good and almost natural way.

Your stomach growled lowly. Yes, it was time. Quickly, you commanded the pot once more over to the sink, dumped the chunks of dried meat into the boiling water, added a few dashes of herbs, salt and pepper, a puree of tomatoes you assembled earlier that day and some lentils you had left from your also slowly dwindling resources.

A thin soup with some vegetables and meat. Better than nothing, and so much better than some of the food you had to eat in the first years living in the forest. The scent of the soup cooking enveloped the room completely, and you didn’t miss the way Sakura and even Sasuke eyed the pot with growing hunger on their faces.

Dammit. Can’t they look a little bit less like starved, begging pups?

Fucking, goddammit, they are not-!

With a low sigh, you waved at the drawers beside the sink, which were filled with lots of stuff, mostly unfinished projects, little nick-nacks and halfway finished bowls for more potions and balms. Sighing again, deeper this time, you crooked your fingers at three blocks of this wooden tableware. You could feel the look of the children as you wove your hands through the space, fingers crooked into talons, while the bowls started to spin through the air. At first slowly, but over time, they picked up some speed, until the air in the room itself seemed to move along them.

Right now, the bowls were pretty clunky. Nothing like the smooth wood of the others, nothing like the other wooden tableware you owned and build yourself. Some rests of little branches were still sticking out, some sharp edges and some little imperfections were the only things left. Nothing you couldn’t make possible. With your gift, you started to cut off little chunks, smoothed the little branches and sharp edges, and flattened the last bits of imperfections you were able to find, all at the speed of lightning which rained from the sky outside. Small splinters fell to the ground into a waiting bucket, which had come out of the corner where it usually sat, eagerly capturing the waste falling off the bowls.

It was a simple, easy task. Also, seeing something being created right underneath your eyes and by your hands always made you feel better, especially when you could use said task to ignore any kind of audience. A cleansing of your thoughts by being productive. There were worse methods out there to achieve the same state of mind.

Inwardly, you snorted and rolled your eyes at the sarcasm dripping from the words. Yes, there were definitely worse methods out there. Like the villagers showed you day for day.

No time for being bitter. Unfortunately, until now, these misfits have not done anything to deserve my harsh behavior, even though they had all the reasons to despise me. After all the insults I hauled at them numerous times.

You knew the bowls were finished when the edges of the wood against the mental grip of your gift were almost non-existent. Smooth enough that no splinter would stick out and suddenly press itself into the unsuspecting hands which would soon cup the self-made tableware. A last little spin to shake off the last bits of dust, then, you gestured towards the three teens, which were still sitting and staring at your doings. The bowls immediately lined up to be filled by a large, wooden ladle, dropping into the soup with audible splashing and sloshing sounds. One turn of your finger, the ladle filled with deliciously smelling soup and dispersed them quickly and without any spillage into the waiting bowls. A last wave of your hand, sharp and grumpy, but the newly created bowls each floated over to one of the teens and settled down closely by their side, unmistakable in their purpose and your intention.

“Eat,” you barked, while pouring yourself some of the food, “before it gets cold.”

Strangely enough, none of the misfits spoke up about your newly-found generosity. Instead, they chose the best thing to do in their situation and just started to eat, more or less fixated on the food. Naruto, despite having his intensively smelling ramen, still finished his bowl before the other two and blinked with shining eyes up to you, who was still busy slowly chewing on a chunk of rabbit meat.

“Is it possible,” he asked and you felt your stomach churning when he raised his bowl a bit more, “to get a refill?”

“No,” you instantly retorted. “Usually, this much would be enough for a week. Now, I only get three days out of it and if you take another refill, I have only two days from that soup.”

“Oh. Okay!” Naruto didn’t seem too taken back by your explanation, until you realized he must be used to that. Enduring hunger on long missions, sparse rations, eating the food in small portions in general.

Explains the mild reaction.

Quietly, you continued to eat your soup and watched with raised hackles the other children, who also finished their bowls on a more moderate pace than Naruto. The blond boy had taken up looking a bit more around your hut, his eyes quickly jumping around and head turning to take in as much as he could, even though he was already for the second time inside your home. It was nearly as peaceful and silent as usual in your hut, except for the eating sounds and the howling of the storm outside. Almost like normal, like you were all alone, like you preferred it.

Just when you consciously made the effort to relax your muscles the tiniest bit, to at least appear like you didn’t mind the misfits that much in your personal space, a knock resounded through your hut. Someone else would’ve had brushed it off as some branches hitting the roof, hurled over by the strong wind, but it was too rhythmic, too deliberate to be nothing else but a knock.

In any other situation, with any other knock, you would’ve ushered the misfits into a corner of the room, cleaned off the table and led the patient inside, bearing the barely hidden insults and mean words like a beaten dog. But it was Kakashi’s special knock, not someone else’s, thus, you only jumped up to open the door with a little scowl on your face.

Instantly, a gush of wind whipped into your face. Rain splattered your feet, cold and harsh, but you could only glare darkly at the shinobi waiting right in front of you.

“I guess I have to let you in.”

Kakashi smiled with closed eyes, the vest and pants soaked and plastered to his body. “It would be appreciated. Not that I mind the wind a lot, but the rain would be a problem, at least, in a few days.”

Subtle shivers wrecked through him, even though the shinobi tried to hide it. His hair hung into his forehead, dripping water like a sponge, and the mask clung even closer than usual to his lower face. Almost painted to his features, you could watch the covered corners of his lips perk upwards as his attentive hawk-eyes spotted Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke in your back. “I see. Thank you for looking after them.”

“Mhm.” You grumped at him, before opening without another word the door wider. When Kakashi didn’t move one inch, but only stared at you, you scowled while jerking your head over your shoulder. Inside, at the warmth. “Get in! Or the warmth will be gone!”

Kakashi raised his hands. “Alright, alright. Who am I to decline such an invitation?”

When he stepped over the threshold and brushed past you, the faint scent of weapon’s oil, dogs (strangely enough, why would he smell like dogs?) and mint. Mint, out of all things. Fresh and alive, a smell you liked.

How dare he smells good to me!

You gave his back a death glare as you closed the door with a little effort, watching how the team greeted the newly returned shinobi. They seemed glad Kakashi was back, measured at the way Naruto lightened up, Sasuke talked to him and even Sasuke watched the wet, dripping newcomer with deep, awake eyes. His katana leaned at his right against the wall, just a little bit further away from the boy than you had ever seen.

“Hey, Kakashi-sensei! Where have you been?” Naruto pouted, but his pout was weakened by the obvious happiness radiating from the boy of seeing his teacher again. “How did it go, how did it go?”

“Yes,” Sakura joined, “How did your secret mission go? After you didn’t tell us, you can at least spill that!”

“Maah,” Kakashi raised his hands, rainwater still dropping onto the ground around him, “Let me just come in, at least, won’t you?”

A strange kind of giddiness trembled in your chest. Did he manage to find out your name with a little miracle or did he have to admit defeat in front of the cold truth that the people of your childhood village were utter bastards and erased your name out of their minds, hearts and documents?

Despite the fact that you were pretty sure you had won your little bet, there was the spark of doubt in your mind when you crossed your arms over your chest and coughed to catch the group’s attention. Almost instantly, all heads whipped around, which released, in Kakashi’s case, a new torrent of water dripping out of his hair and clothes. Scowl growing on your face, you gestured at a rough towel, which dumped itself directly over Kakashi’s head and shoulders. “Get dry before you flood my whole hut. I will hand you a bowl with food, but no refills. Do you know my name now?”

Better get straight to the point than dancing around the issue.

Kakashi didn’t answer at first. Slowly, his arms raised to rub his hair dry with the single towel you owned. On the inside, you asked yourself for a few moments if it would smell exactly like him when you would get it back, but you shoved that thought aside.

Even the teens were now looking at their sensei, eyes full of wonder and suspicion. Finally, Kakashi allowed the towel to fall around his neck, and smiled with his closed eyes at you, as chipper and nonchalantly happy as always.

“No, I didn’t. Thanks for the towel. What’s for dinner?”

Chapter Text

The storm was still howling around your hut. The winds rattled at the wooden corners and the windows, the rain drumming in a wild staccato against the roof; Though the spectacle of nature was nothing against the howl of triumph inside your chest as Kakashi had to admit defeat. Right in front of you, in front of his students, all the while his still happy smile was still infuriating you to the very core.

Stupid ass. He doesn’t look like he lost.

I should feel more… victorious. But right now…?

Right now, I’m not feeling that good. It should be just better than this.

Damn shinobi. Even manages to sour my win over them.

The team seemed totally flabbergasted. Naruto’s jaw laid basically on the ground, Sakura’s eyes were wide from the shock and even Sasuke’s mouth stood open, which he closed quickly when he noticed your amused stare.

“Really?” you asked. “Didn’t you proclaim that a name was nothing for a shinobi? That it would be easy?”

Still nonchalantly grinning and rubbing one end of the scruffy towel through his soaked hair, Kakashi shrugged. “Well, I guess I’m getting old. Plus, the village really hides its secrets. Apparently, your name is such a secret.”

Secret. Bah, more like something they want to bury ten feet under and never think of it again.

“Seems like it.” You answered as non-descriptive as possible. “And our deal?”

“Is of course still up.”

“Good.”

“Do you want us to leave immediately?”

An honest question. You ignored the indignant gasps of horror and the first signs of protest from the teens. Instead, you continued to stare into Kakashi’s masked face, trying to read the mysterious man to some extent and also, trying to find a suitable solution.

Throwing the shinobi out into the storm was tempting. Despite the newfound softness in your heart, you didn’t want them so close to you like they were now, caged between the same four walls you called your own. Despite the small connection you felt with the blond boy and the strange demon inside his soul, you didn’t think you would stand more intrusive questions about your past and the life in the village. Despite Sakura’s eagerness to learn from you, you would definitely feel relieved to know you wouldn’t suddenly find her in the back of your yard anymore, studying the herbs with an intensity which impressed and scared you at the same time, and despite the liking you took to teasing Sasuke and seeing the uptight teen scowl at your words, you would favor your unstable stack of wood at the side of your hut instead of the clean and neat monstrosity he had created.

But throwing them out into the storm, with wind rattling at the walls of your house like it wanted to rip every hurdle in its path away and with rain and hail coming down from the sky, would be inhumane to force anyone outside. They had no place to sleep, no place to stay. Their tents had nothing to hold against the storm, not to talk about making a fire out there.

“You can stay here until morning,” you said finally and turned away from the shinobi, “until the storm calmed down. Then, I want you gone.”

“But-! Kakashi-sensei, our mission-!”

The older man clicked his tongue. “Is not of importance if we aren’t welcome here. One thing you have to learn when you are Hokage, Naruto. Some missions can’t be completed. And it’s alright. There will be another mission we can do together as our last one.”

You turned quickly around, just in time to catch the quiet exchange between the blond boy and his captain. Naruto was very bad at hiding his confused, begging and pleading looks, while Kakashi was very, very good at it. Nothing betrayed the man and his emotions as he stared with a slightly cocked eyebrow back at Naruto, blinking once or twice, but anything besides that… You had no clue. Absolutely no fucking clue what Kakashi was planning, thinking or all in all, was at the moment. Disappointed that he lost the bet? As nonchalant as he appeared to be? Angry, sad, happy, glad, seething?

Something was going on between the team and Kakashi, and you didn’t like that they kept it from you. It seemed to be important; important enough for you to care about.

You were so close to ask about it, ask about the strange exchange and the (quite) hasty rebuttal Kakashi gave Naruto, when the older man suddenly perked up.

“Oh right. I nearly forgot.” He started to reach inside his vest, the strengthened material crinkling even above the sound of the storm outside. “It has to be… Wait, give me one second… Aha!”

Triumphantly, Kakashi retracted his hand out of the vest and presented it to you. To be precise, what he was holding. A big, blindingly colorful, decorated with white dots, mug. A mug. Much bigger than the one you accidently dropped three days ago, when he had said his goodbyes and confused you with his truthful “thank you”. Out of instinct, you reached out, but before you could touch the cup, you paused, eyes finding his.

“Is that really for me?” you asked. And for a short moment, you feared that Kakashi would pull the cup out of your reach. Say, with a mocking tone: “You really thought I bought this for you, didn’t you? How pathetic can you be?”. And laugh, laugh about you and your stupid hope.

You awaited and feared that exact moment. But nothing like that happened. Instead, Kakashi took even a step closer and pressed the cup against your fingertips.

“It was kind of my fault you broke yours,” he said, “and as an apology for kicking the door in, I thought this would be fitting. Besides, this one is made out of enamel, so, the next time you drop it, it won’t immediately shatter.”

Right. This cup wasn’t made out of porcelain, like your old one. The… enamel felt like some kind of metal as you gently took the cup from the man. Cool and hard, made to endure and survive any kind of inconvenience, may it be another slip of your gift or an accidental movement of your hands when you worked too fast and had settled the cup too close to an edge.

Something practical, something you would use on a daily base, something you couldn’t make on your own and something out of the village without facing the belonging villagers directly. In a sense, it was the most perfect gift anyone had ever gotten for you.

Well, the meter for that is at ground level.

I never received a gift before.

But you still hesitated. After all, this could still be a cruel joke for Kakashi. He was still able to pull away, laugh and mock and shame you for thinking someone actually cared…

The man in question was still smiling weakly, eyes blinking almost in mirth and content. “Please, take it. I’m still feeling guilty over distracting you so much you shattered yours. You’re drinking a cup of tea every morning, aren’t you?”

“Yes…?”

His smile widened by a margin. “It would be a shame if I would keep you from that tradition any further.”

“Indeed.” Carefully, avoiding to touch the man in any way, you accepted the mug. “Indeed, it is a shame.”

Maybe, this wasn’t a scheme to make you feel save before turning against you. The cup was strong and durable beneath your fingertips as you gave it a gentle flick, only to raise the cup into the air and sent it towards the kitchen shelves. As the colorful enamel settled with a soft ‘clink’ onto the wood, you tried to find the best words to give to Kakashi, but nothing came to your mind.

Maybe being truthful won’t hurt?

“I don’t know what to say.” You mumbled, fingers entangled in each other and twitching from time to time. Then, you straightened abruptly. There was no time to waste, no time to linger. “Here, take some soup. Get dry and set up your sleeping bag and take care of my towel! I only have this one and I can’t afford to replace it currently.”

Kakashi’s smile sent shivers down into your core and the knowledge that he knew what was deeply nestled inside your mind, urged you to continue to be as nonchalant and active as possible. Quickly, you snapped your fingers. At your command, another bowl jumped into the air, zipped over to the already halfway emptied kettle and the ladle almost spilled soup everywhere as it filled the waiting bowl. One more snap, and Kakashi found himself with the bowl insistently pushing against his chest like an overly cuddly dog. A spoon followed on its tail, wobbling slightly on its path.

 “Take it,” you waved warily at the man and turned back towards your bed, “and eat quickly. It gets cold.”

God, what was that? Such a strange, absolutely blind and deaf situation!

I never… I even forgot about the others in the room! It felt like we were the only people around? Why?

What is this? Did he do something to me?

You swiveled around and eyed the younger team members full of angry suspicion. Were the misfits also in it? But no, even though you didn’t want to admit it to yourself, they seemed just as flabbergasted and confused as you were, all the while Kakashi didn’t give a single fuck about his surroundings and sat down on the only chair.

“Then, I will dig right in,” he mumbled.

The air was suddenly charged with some kind of anticipation you didn’t fully grasp. If Team 7 in its entirety had been flabbergasted before, they were now highly concentrated on their sensei. Even though he was probably hyper aware of their intense stares, the jonin didn’t seem to care about them, instead only reached up to pull down his mask. His index finger hooked agonizingly slow into the hem and started to pull downwards. One look at the young misfits and you couldn’t help but to wonder how much of a nationally kept secret Kakashi’s lower face was. Hell, Naruto’s eyes were the size of saucers as he stared at his sensei, like a wolf in front of a platter of raw, skinned, bloody rabbits, ripe and fresh for the taking.

Could it be…? That his own team had no idea what Kakashi looked like underneath his mask? Was he that meticulous in keeping his mysterious aura up?

No way. No human would be that eager to keep a mask on for his entire life-!

A lightning struck outside. Just a few kilometers away. The booming crack of thunder and the short flickering of light made all of you quickly glance out of the windows, where rain hit the glass with growing force. And when all of you turned back, the younger ones, already with an exasperated, defeated aura around them, and you with something light and bubbly growing inside your stomach, Kakashi just adjusted his mask once more over the bridge of his nose, the bowl in front of him empty and the spoon neatly placed inside.

“It was delicious, thank you for the meal.” He smiled with closed eyes at you. “Was that rabbit meat?”

“Yeah.”

“You let it hang for a long time.”

“Just a few weeks.”

His mask crinkled further, like he didn’t notice at all the exasperated sighs and grumbles from his students. “Good, good. Thank you for your hospitality, I’m very well aware you didn’t have to invite my team and me inside.”

Clicking your tongue only released some of your annoyance, but it still felt too good to pass it up. “What kind of human would I be to leave them outside?” You nodded sharply at the teens. “Not to talk about them. They would’ve looked like drowned rats for sure.”

Immediately, they started to protest, the loudest — of course, it had to be Naruto — easily shouting over the others. “We wouldn’t have drowned, believe it! That’s a lie, we learned that in the ninja academy how to behave throughout a storm!”

Before they could protest more though and thus, go even more on your nerves, you interjected. Almost softly, you would notice later, too soft to pretend to be all sharp edges and lines any longer. “This is a storm you couldn’t be possibly prepared for. Not with your tents and sleeping bags. You can feel it too, right? How the wind shakes the walls of his hut. There’s no way whatever your teachers have taught you to get through the storm. Be happy my hut was just a short walk over the clearing and nothing else.” You didn’t need more than a snap of your fingers to clean up the kitchen counter. The knife jumped willingly into the sink, which filled itself with muddy water, followed by the crude wooden board and the bowls and spoons.

The sink was filled to the brim, a sight you probably would never witness again. For some seconds, you stared at the image, only to shake your head and turn away from all the people, hoping they wouldn’t see your trembling hands and confused features. “Just go to sleep. There’s nothing else to be done but wait out the storm. Tomorrow, you’re leaving.”

You expected protests, wild defenses and maybe one or two takebacks on the bet. Considering Naruto was involved, you expected all of the above and more, but no. None of the teens spoke up about it. They just looked at each other, glanced at their teacher, who in return nodded also at them, like he wanted to say: It’s okay. Sorry for failing you. Then, they again looked at each other, before Naruto mumbled: “Alright. Well… Who takes first watch?”

Flabbergasted, you watched how the team quickly made up their minds, all the while shuffling through some absolute hygiene necessities like brushing their teeth and washing their hands in the overflowing kitchen sink. They weren’t talking, just… Doing whatever they needed to do. Not minding that they had to leave, not minding your presence. Unhurried and not caring they had to take a loss and a possible failure of their entire mission into account. Only minutes after Kakashi came into the hut, the teens were hurdled up in their sleeping bags and were already soundly drifting to sleep, despite the wind howling around the corners and rain thundering over your heads.

He hadn’t moved at all from his place during that process, but when Sasuke finally closed his eyes too and started to breathe a bit slower, the older man carefully stood up from your chair. Not even the legs of the furniture scraped too loudly over the stone ground.

“Thank you again,” he said lowly and leaned in, “I realize it must be hard for you to share your space with so many people.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“No really, I appreciate-!”

A growl rose deep in your chest and travelled into your throat. “Literally. Don’t mention it. I explained myself and I don’t need to hear endless tirades and speeches about my supposed generosity. I did what needed to be done and that’s it.”

Kakashi took your rejection with more dignity than you would’ve believed. “Then, that was the last time I will mention it. I apologize. I noticed that you fixed your door.”

You snorted. “Fixed? Replaced, you mean. No thanks to you.”

“I had a name to find.”

“Mhmm. Of course, you had.” You rolled your eyes. “Anyway, before I bask more in my glorious victory, we have to get you out of your clothes.”

That finally made Kakashi react. To your infinite enjoyment, he twitched almost violently, eyes blown wide and the scar crinkling slightly. “M-my clothing?” he squeaked, “N-no! It’s alright! I’m fine!”

Wordlessly, you gestured towards his vest and pants. They were dripping still. Puddles had formed around his feet, the chair he had been sitting on spotted a dark afterimage of his backside on the flat surface, hell, even his sandals were caked in mud which left imprints of his feet all over the entrance area and around the table. “Sure, you’re alright. But you won’t be alright any longer if you stay any longer in your wet clothes. Are you drenched to your undies or do you have a problem being naked?”

Did he really blush, just from that? At least, the little bit of his face grew visibly red as you watched how he fumbled and tried to search for words, all the while the red grew more and more striking. “W-w-what? N-NO!”

That none of the children woke up from his furious whisper was a miracle in itself. At Kakashi’s hasty defense, you only raised your eyebrows, gestured towards the watery, muddy mess he made in your hut and watched with growing grim satisfaction how the shinobi looked around and realized what exactly the denial of his state was doing for him in the short and long run.

Exactly nothing.

Still with a raging blush on the visible part of his face, the man lowered his head and mumbled something terribly inaudible, but you were able to make out something along the lines of “Sorry for the mess.” Instantly, he started to peel off the fabric of his gloves, the metal plates clinking softly as he dropped them onto the table. Next, he shrugged off his bulky uniform. Even from your position you could hear how the heavy material and fabric squished beneath his fingers, so soaked and matted with mud that even the relatively easy clothing article was almost impossible to peel off. The chair nearly toppled backwards when Kakashi dropped the vest onto the backrest, only to barely catch the furniture.

You squinted your eyes at him. The jonin scratched the back of his neck, all the while his eyes were curled into a probably apologetic smile. Without a word needed, you turned away and busied yourself with your bedsheets. In your back, more wet rustles of clothing and a silent fluttering of a scroll echoed through the hut. One peek at the teens and you breathed out calmly. No, they were still asleep, even though Sasuke looked like he was close to waking up. Wrinkles stood on his forehead, deeply engraved into his face like he smiled not too much. Deeply troubled and yet, only a mere kid.

What kind of life had he lived to become this worn-out and wary?

Probably similar to my own, you thought, similar, but with more death, drama and destruction involved.

For a second, you could literally feel how you grew softer on him. Seeing him sleep like this, squished beside a curled up Sakura (her back was facing him and her face was hidden behind her obnoxious, pink hair) and Naruto (sprawled out like a gigantic mushroom, the arms and legs flailing around and mumbled words dropping from his mouth), Sasuke looked like his dreams were haunting him, but the sheer presence of his friends made it bearable. The bad dreams didn’t vanish completely, no. They still went after him, tried to take him back to whatever he experienced, but it was bearable because of his team.

Because of his…?

A silent cough ripped you out of your thoughts. When you turned again around, arms crossed over your chest, Kakashi stood there, still fumbling and fidgeting, but now with dry clothes on his body and the wet ones clumsily hung over the rack where Sasuke’s coat was already drying. At least, he had the decency to clean up after himself. Well, halfway. You eyed the muddy footprints and the wet trail on the stone ground with only a bit of malice, but sighed and shook your head before it had the chance to grow into more than that. Tomorrow was also a day and it was also time to clean out your whole hut. Some spring cleaning was in order, anyway.

Yeah, and the brats probably made lots of dirt anyway. Better clean that out before it grows on me.

“Already started on my books?” Kakashi murmured weakly and again, ripped you out of your thoughts. A procedure which happened a lot lately. You just weren’t used to someone being there to disrupt your thought processes.

“Didn’t have the time yet.” You answered sharply. Automatically, your eyes flashed to the darkness beneath your bed, before you managed to regain control over your body. No way in hell you would admit that you had no idea what you had to do to merely open the scroll.

“You should,” he leaned against the wall closest to your bed and crossed his arms, “I need someone to rant to about the last scene in Icha-Icha-Paradise. Yunko’s last choice was bullshit, she would’ve been so much better with… Oh sorry, I don’t want to spoil you.” Kakashi ruffled through his still a bit wet hair, eyes unfocused and dazed. “Tell me when you started it, yeah?”

“You forget something, shinobi. Tomorrow, you’re leaving.”

“Mhmm. Yeah… We will see about that.”

Of fucking course. He wants to break the deal.

I should’ve known.

Out of instinct, your face turned into a scowl. Like a hedgehog, your defenses went up, ready to defend yourself and survive and pull through, like you always had. “You think you can stay here? You think you can break the deal unharmed?” you hissed through your teeth. “You believe I won’t throw you out? I already stated that I won’t hesitate nor am I scared of your and the brats. Again, I’m very aware that I probably will lose against your team, but I will drag you down with me to hell, and if it’s the last thing I will do!”

Behind you, the pots and bowls started to rattle. Like the storm outside, your gift unraveled, warped the air and tightened the atmosphere. It became harder to breathe, your muscles trembled and anger coiled inside your chest, and waited to unload all the painful force in your body onto the shinobi. You weren’t surprised he betrayed you. At all. You were just surprised Kakashi revealed his true colors when he was basically dependent on you and your hut.

You were ready. Ready to attack, ready to kill, but then, Kakashi calmly said something which let you drop all of your wards.

“(Y/N). Calm down, I will explain.”

Your name. Something shattered inside of you. Your name. For a second, you hadn’t recognized it, just stared full of confusion at him, before the reality slowly seeped into your mind. Your name, formed by Kakashi’s tongue, was in his head.

He found it. He found it. He knows my name.

Why does he-? HOW!?

I thought the villagers erased every trace of my existence after what happened? How?

Wait… He knows my name. So, why did he lie about it and said he didn’t? Why is he telling me now? Does he want to bribe me? Pressure me into staying? What does he want?

“I can nearly hear your thoughts,” the man joked, “but let me explain. I swear, I thought a lot about this and I’m not going to use it against you in any way.”

“Better hurry up explaining then.” You hissed. The pots in your back grew silent, but your hackles were still raised, still aware of every of Kakashi’s motions. “Right now, it looks pretty much like you want to use it against me.”

Kakashi raised his hands. A defensive gesture, showing he had nothing in his palms, nothing to hide and nothing in his repertoire to fool you. “I thought I would give you a choice.”

You blinked. “…What?”

“A choice. I know you would take the bet seriously, especially because my brats knew about it. You would even go so far to bear us even though we would stress you out unnecessarily. Despite you being… uncouth and not holding yourself to unnecessary manners, you hold your pride in high regards. A lost bet would definitely force you to accommodate us, even if you didn’t want it.”

Terrifyingly exact. Despite the fact you were basically a hermit and that your manners were indeed rusty and barely used, you were proud. Proud to the point of stubbornness. And you should be; after all, not everybody managed to survive in the woods for so long on their own. Any other person would’ve caved or fallen victim to their solemn lifestyle. Or the wild animals. Both was in the range of possible solutions.

A sharp nod, and Kakashi continued, his voice low and glancing from time to time towards the hurdle of teenagers, still soundly sleeping. “So, my thought process was, that instead of forcing you to accommodate us, you can decide. The kids won’t know and I can keep a secret. It’s entirely up to you if you want to allow us to stay or send us away. They won’t know.”

But I know. I know that you found out my name.

“How did you achieve that?” you asked, partly out of real curiosity, partly out of need for more time to make sense out of the clashing emotions. “How did you find my name? I was pretty sure the village has no records which should mention me.”

Kakashi perked up, like he waited for you to ask that exact question. “That much I have to admit, your hometown-!”

“Not my home. Never was.”

“Okay,” a solemn nod, “the village hides its secrets very well, that much I have to give them. But I could roughly estimate how old you are and when you should’ve been born-!”

“I wasn’t born in the village.”

Finally, after the second time you interrupted him, Kakashi showed first signs of annoyance. He clicked his tongue and gave you a quick glare, what you answered with a little tug at your lips, before the shinobi continued. “As you said, you also weren’t born in the village, thus I didn’t find anything in the official birth registry of the village, either. The next thing I did was to search for any kind of official files and the village head was so friendly to lend me a helping hand…”

The village head. A tight ball coiled in your stomach, ice cold and slimy, terrible memory and horrible prediction at the same time. The village head. Of course, Kakashi spoke with him about the issue at hand. The question was though, if he told the shinobi absolutely everything about you, about you and why exactly you lived in the woods, why you were alone and why the entire village hated you to the bones. Your mind raced around, trying to decide what would be the worst, but Kakashi only continued to chatter, what thankfully helped to not drown in the nightmares of the past.

“…but in the end, I couldn’t even determine who your father or mother were and no one wanted or could tell me anything. My very last straw was the village doctor, I remembered you mentioning him, and he gave me access to the private notes of his predecessor.”

Private notes. Of the predecessor of the doctor. Confusion and disbelief swirled through your head. You hadn’t known of the existence of these notes and probably guessed that the elders also had no idea that the doctors of their precious village secretly had his own files and notes written and hidden away.

The old farts wouldn’t like that. Out of their control and you’re nothing more than a danger to their precious order. Fucktards.

That the current doc was actually keeping them and handed them to the first stranger coming his way… That amazed you even more than Kakashi finding out your name. The doc always had been a timid and easily scared guy, nervous like a mouse, since the two of you had been children. When his friends had tortured you with mean words, thrown stones and rude pranks, the doc only hesitantly participated, if not kept himself completely away from all the trouble.

Kakashi was still going on and on about his discovery, and you could hear in his voice how challenged he had been and his satisfaction of having overcome all these hurdles and the iron-hard silence of the villagers. “It took the biggest part of the third day to dig through the notes, but eventually, I came across a person called (Y/N) which was only mentioned in an initial check-up, over twenty years ago. It was the only mentioning of that name, no birth certificate, no death certificate, nothing. Pretty strange, especially because the child was described as feral and wild, barely able to speak despite being around three or four years old. Also, Yoshio, apparently the father of the child, was earlier described in the notes as,” Kakashi closed his eyes like he remembered the notes word for word, “a nature-loving guy with a few incidents with ticks and rashes caused by various forest plants, but otherwise an upstanding and honest man. Not interested in any of the women in the village, despite being handled as a valuable son in law.”

Yes, your father had been all these things. Honest, upstanding, a hard worker, loving. Unfortunately, fate always had something for this kind of people and thus, decided to grace your only parent with a disease which killed him in the time span of six months. A few blurry memories, that was what you had from your father, and nothing else, nothing more.

At least, he died relatively quickly and thanks to the doc, only in little pain.

Dark clouds gathered in your mind and before all the blurry memories to the days where you hadn’t been all alone and on your own came back, you forced yourself to speak up. “That’s right. So, you figured out that Yoshio was indeed my father?”

“Yes. And I’m sorry for your loss. I…” Kakashi paused, and a wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows. “I know how it feels to lose your only family.”

For a moment, you watched him closely, before accepting his words. “Thank you. It’s not easy, isn’t it?”

“Definitely not.”

“An understatement, I know.”

Another thing you apparently had in common with the shinobi. You smiled weakly, glanced at Kakashi, and caught him also staring at you, eyes unusually… soft and warm and something you couldn’t name, but whatever was standing in there scared you to the very bones.  

“And that was everything it took for you, huh?” you asked. “To find out my name? To find the connection between my father and I?”

Another question burned on your tongue, insistent and urging you to spit it out, but you restrained that urge. Together with the spark of unexplainable rage which festered and grew in your stomach, threatening to rise into your chest and grow into more. More anger, more fury, more than you could fathom at the moment. The rage of an animal backed into a corner, that much you could tell.

If he found that particular thing out, he would’ve probably packed his kids up and had walked away, no matter if it rained and hailed down on them.

I wouldn’t hold it against them, to be honest.

Back then… You still remembered it quite vividly. It would’ve been a merciful miracle to forget, to simply black out the short and yet cruel trial, the hateful features of the villagers, Umi’s voice telling everyone that she “knew it all along, a bad apple, rotten to the core, only a matter of time something like that would’ve happened”, the final verdict and the hands which had stripped you off the small, little things you had called your own and sent you into the woods, all alone and crying that your small body shook and trembled.

Yes, if Kakashi or one of the children found out, there was no way of telling what they would do, but you would bet your hut and the collection of medicine that their reactions wouldn’t be that different from the villagers back then.

Murder was a sin, no matter where you came from.

Kakashi’s voice brought you back and for the first time, you were actually thankful for that. “I told you so. A name is nothing for a shinobi. I have to give it to you though, that it was harder than anticipated. Care to explain why the villagers don’t seem to remember growing you up there?”

A friendly question, stated in a neutral, almost friendly tone. But hitting too soon, too close to the dreaded question you feared with all your might.

“The rain isn’t stopping soon,” you said, too sharp to not bring attention that you wanted to avoid this topic by any means, and you knew Kakashi noticed. Even though his masked face didn’t betray anything, you were well aware he knew you were hiding something. Something tightly connected to the village and its silence about any information, which went as far as to deny your very existence and acknowledgement of your presence. “Better prepare your bed for the night.”

“I think I will stay awake,” his eyes already flew around the room, inspecting and seeing way too much for your tastes, “the rain is kind of relaxing, don’t you think?”

Like a wild protest, the wind rattled at the windows and roof, and for a second, you feared for the carefully assembled tiles, the moss and wood you used to build it. Kakashi’s confidence and calmness was born out of the simple fact that he never built a house roof with his own hands before. He reaped the results, the dry and warm shelter, but you had suffered from all the efforts and mistakes done in the process. The broken finger you got while trying to lay out the roof, the many blue and green bruises, the splinters, the pain and sweat and sheer effort to make everything right and perfect.

“If you say so,” your skin crawled, itched and you longed to break free, out of here and away from these privy eyes, “Because I think I will take my leave.”

“Wait, now?” Kakashi had expected a lot, but certainly not this. His surprises laced every of his movements as he suddenly jerked upright, out of his slouched position. “Is that really wise?”

You didn’t understand yourself, why you were so angry from one moment to the next. There was no logic involved, no rational feelings. Just the tight, burning knot in your chest, tightening around your heart, and the ugly taste on your tongue as you tried not to rip the door open. You didn’t even care about the tired eyes of Sasuke opening as he peeked out of his sleeping bag, or Kakashi who was in the middle of reaching out to you.

I can barely breathe in here. God, the walls are closing in. I can’t do this.

Can’t bear them. Can’t stand them, so close and friendly, and overbearing. Can’t fucking stand them like this. Not when they know my name. Not when they are so close to ask why I was banned from the village, why they all hate me so much.

Hell, even I only understand half of their reasoning why they hate me.

Gods, I don’t want to remember the blood on my hands. But I know it’s too late. Far too late. I will dream about it, see it, smell it again.

Keeping my name a secret. Bullshit. The first thing he will do is tell it to the little misfits, who will start using it to no avail.

Everything people do is lie and steal and betray, and hurt each other. I’m not here for this. I’m not here to stay and let them trample all over me. I’m here to hide away, to live in peace and quiet, and not hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want to interact with people. They shouldn’t interact with me.

Sasuke had woken up his friends with careful pokes into Sakura’s side and a shove into Naruto’s face. All three of them watched you with bleary eyes as you opened the door for the elements, not caring about the storm outside and that the rain already hitting you in the face, soaking your clothes to the bones.

You stopped one second before you took your first step out of that uncomfortable, rage-inducing, terrifying situation. “Do what you have to do,” you snarled, “I don’t care. Do your mission, fulfill it and then I will be alone again. Finally.”

Before any of the present people could do more than sleepily protest, you stormed off. The rain and wind crashing into you weren’t as bad as you would feel if you would’ve stayed, caged in your own four walls and tortured by the night horrors still running amok inside your head.

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“What was that about, ‘kashi-sensei?” Naruto’s mumble was only barely discernible over the howl of the wind and the splatter of rain. The blond boy sat up, rubbing his eyes and looked at Kakashi with an expression in his blue eyes the man got to know far too well since his student came back from his trip with Jiraiya-san. The “I used to look up to you, but the older I get, the more I see what kind of dysfunctional adult you are and how many things you fuck up”-look. “Is somethin’ the matter?”

“Not really,” he answered, “go back to sleep.”

“You fucked it up, didn’t you?” Sasuke had already his eyes closed again. Typical Uchiha-behavior. Just like cats, curling up in his sleeping bag and enjoying the misery of other people. “Whatever you did, apologize or something.”

“Really helpful, Sasuke.” He growled back. Exhausted by the three days without sleep and the running back and forth between the village and the lonely hut, the shinobi finally decided to settle down a little bit. The chair looked comfy enough and the original owner wasn’t here right now to hiss and argue with him, so, Kakashi used his chance. With a low sigh falling from his mouth, he sat down and basically melted into the hard wood.

Well, he had worse sleeping positions over the years.

“Not like you ever formally apologized.” Sakura didn’t even make the effort to give her sensei a disappointed glare, or her teammate. The sea green eye-mask still firmly in place, curled up and her back turned towards Sasuke and Naruto, she continued to gently berate them in a sleepy-mumbling tone. “You were probably too quick, Kakashi-sensei. She needs lots of time. Her trust was broken into pieces. We thought we made pretty good advancements in the time you were gone, but it appears that something else is the matter. Something bigger.”

Kakashi nodded. “And the villagers also don’t want to talk about it.” In one point the Witch of the Woods had been absolutely right. The people living in the closest town were an absolute stuck-up, secretive and condescending bunch of people, mixed with a big spoon of superstition and hate for anything different than them. Even he, as an official shinobi of the Fire Nation, had to face their distrust and not-so-secret whispers for the time he had researched the name of the Witch. But looking underneath the underneath was his job, and like this, Kakashi had fulfilled his task, without letting the obvious hate getting to him.

(Y/N).

(Y/N), the Witch of the Woods. When I think of her powers, I can understand why exactly the villagers distrust her so much. Their belief in the supernatural is almost absurd; comically if you really think about it.

In a world where giant demons made out of the ancient chakra of a rabbit goddess once roamed the lands and shinobi being able to handle the four elements with ease, it was certainly hard for Kakashi to be scared of an angry woman who was able to move things at her will.

“Hey, Kakashi-sensei…” Naruto spoke up again. When the teacher looked at his former student, he already knew what the boy wanted to ask.

“Yes, I found out her name. And yes, apparently, something about that made her angry.”

“Wouldn’t have taken her for a sore loser…”

“Me neither.” Kakashi sighed, rubbed with both of his hands over his masked face. “There’s something else going on, and it has something to do with the village and how they react to her.”

“Hmmm… What’s her name, by the way?”

For a very short second, Kakashi considered giving out the name he did so much for. Asked around the town, bore the stares and sneers of the villagers, basically crawled in front of the village head to give him more information, more details, only to be rejected and looked down upon. Thank the gods for the doctor, who probably had taken a pity in Kakashi.

But then, just in the moment her name laid on his tongue, he remembered the somehow defeated, dejected, almost accepting and expecting stare the Witch… (Y/N) had given him. Like she expected him to betray her the moment she turned her back.

“I won’t tell you,” Kakashi slowly said, thinking over every word and trying to see if it was the right thing to do, “if you want to know her name, you have to ask her.”

At least, it felt right.

Chapter Text

A beaten-down path right through the bushes led to your very first home in the woods. A cave, the entrance lying so high up and close to the hot springs you could smell the sulfide when you spotted the black opening. Carved into the stone of the mountain by wind and weather, the rain still coming down with wanting to subdue the world entirely, and the wind howling in anguish, you took the last steps and sighed in relief when you felt for the leather curtain you put up so many years ago.

One twist of your hand and the curtain fell open, revealing a mostly dry and a bit dusty, open space. A comfortable space for a single person; A small basin placed in the middle of the unnaturally shaped and grown room to host a fire; Right in the back of the cave was an old and worn-out mattress, made out of moss and dried grass, clumsily collected and woven by childish hands; Blanket and pillow were still there, just as old and withered as you remembered; Thin, with some badly patched spots, but better than nothing — Better than everything you had in the village.

Water still dripping everywhere, you walked through the small room and waved at the prepared stack of dried wood in a corner. You didn’t need to watch the wood jumping into the small bed. Instead, you started to strip out of the wet clothing, scrambling and shivering in violent wrecks, teeth clenched and holding in the various curses you already had spewed out into the forest.

Fucking goddamn assholes, stalkers, apes, son of-!

They can rot in their own sleeping bags, with their dumb friendliness taped to their tongues and their forsaken curiosity pinned to their foreheads!

They even managed to get into my hut! What was I thinking, inviting them in and letting them see what kind of person I am?

My name… It has been ages since I heard it the last time from someone else. The last time should be…

My father.

With the back of your hand, you rubbed over your forehead. Naked and still shivering, but thankfully out of the wet clothes, you stood in the middle of the cave and tried to think of something to do. Again, you had retreated, withdrew yourself from any kind of human contact. This time, from the people who invaded your space with merely the intention to… to what, exactly? What was their goal? Their damned mission they wouldn’t tell you about? Or something entirely else?

A snap of your fingers, flames sprung to life. First small and insignificant, nothing more than a flicker, but soon the fire caught onto the wood and started to warm the tiny space up. Due to the leather curtains, the heat didn’t escape. Gently, you flattened your wet skirt and shirt close to the fire. Your fingers bumped into a little object, hidden away in the pocket of your skirt. Plastic crinkled, a foreign sound so deep and high up. Right, the treat from Sakura. Chocolate with strawberry filling, wasn’t it? Your fingers floated for mere seconds over the pockets, waited and tried to assess the situation, before they slipped into the wet fabric and peeled the little bar out into the dim light.

The colorful packaging crinkled a little bit more in your hands as you tried to break it. After a few moments of struggling and bated breath, you managed to open it. Almost immediately, a sweet and heavy scent whiffed into your nose. The words “dark” and “promising” came to your mind.

The more pressing question though, was it safe to eat?

Sure, the packaging had been untouched, as far as you could tell. The scent also didn’t tell you anything, if Sakura had messed with this treat. Gently, you prodded the bar with your fingertip, waited until you could feel the chocolate melt and raised the digit to your lips. Nothing but the slight sweetness, intense and overwhelming your tongue despite the lightness.

You licked your lips, chasing after the smallest hint of taste you could get. Well, it certainly was delicious. Sweet, just like the scent had promised, and taking up every cell of your body. This bar was like nothing you ever ate before. You had to force yourself to take one bite at a time, chew it down and revel in the unknown and yet delirious sensations before swallowing, and slowly taking the next bite. And still, the chocolate was far too soon finished and with regret clouding your mind, you looked at the crinkling package.

Nothing was wrong with you. The chocolate had been delicious and safe. Sakura did nothing with it, didn’t tamper with the food she gave to you in any way.

Groaning lowly, you hid your face behind your hands. I overreacted, didn’t I?

Fuck. I was just so tensed up. Too many people in a too cramped space.

Well, there you have a realization and there you have a reason. How about you go and apologize for your fit?

I thought I could handle it, but I overestimated myself.

“I have to apologize, don’t I?” you asked weakly into the warming-up room. No one answered, and for the first time since forever, you truly felt alone in a space which you could call your own.

When you slipped into the worn-out bed and tried to close your eyes, you were still mulling over the fact that these damn brats stole their way into your thoughts and possibly, already into your heart. Said organ clenched as you thought about them, about the always happy Naruto with the demon Kurama living inside his soul, about the always curious Sakura with her interest in your garden and herbs, and the always grumpy Sasuke, who would smile every so often secretly to himself, when he thought no one was watching.

And Kakashi. You rolled onto your side, while your heart suddenly jumped into your throat. Yes, Kakashi. Overly clever, all-seeing and damn tricky shinobi. Probably, the only alive person who knew your name. And probably, the only person you ever felt… Felt…

Go on. Say it.

No.

Oh please. For someone who is pretty straight forward, you pick your words now too carefully.

Fine.

A tiny sliver of attraction. There, you admitted it. You were a tiny bit attracted to Kakashi, to his jokes and easy-going behavior, to his honest interest and his warm, calm voice.

All the more reason to get rid of him, together with his team. You rolled around and stared blankly at the stone wall. The wind outside howled once more, a high cry of the world, while the rain continued to pound on the ground outside.

What am I supposed to do now?

I have the choice. Kakashi said so.

Pff, Kakashi said so. Sure. Because trusting other people always went so well for you.

They are different.

How!? How are they different? What did they ever do for you?

They helped me with my door. They backed off whenever I asked. They gifted me things, the books, the cup, the chocolate. An explanation of what went on in the world when no one else did. They… they were interested in me, not in the monster, not in the powers. In me.

Naruto. I trust him the most out of the bunch.

Because of what? The demon inside his chest?

Yes. But… He’s… He’s a light. He’s…

He’s more than just a brat.

Yes, Naruto was more than just a brat you had painted him to be. Behind his sunny smile and the open attitude laid a past of pain, you could feel it. Deep down, he was just as tortured as you were. But in total difference to you, Naruto overcame whatever stigma he suffered under. He had people who liked him for what he was, who teased him and joked with him, who cared for him and laughed with him. He had people he cared about, for example his Tsunade and his Sai, who both probably waited in Konohagakure for him to return. He had Sakura and Sasuke, who begrudgingly seemed to like him, like siblings liked an annoying younger brother. He had Kakashi, who liked him as an annoying student.

Naruto had a family you never had and never would have.

Thinking about them would turn your already sour mood even sourer. Again, you rolled around on your thin mattress, stared at the ceiling without actually seeing the dark stones. Your thoughts were a mess. An emotional, twirling, spinning, wild mess without a sense of order or direction. So much changed, changed when the shinobi arrived on your meadow. But did you have to change with them? Did you have to accept that?

Change was the nature’s very personality. On spring followed summer, on summer fall and winter renewed the cycle. Animals and plants were born, grew up and died, only to be replaced by their offspring. Constant change was the condition to being alive, you knew that better than anyone. Living for so long in the forest, you kind of depended on the constant changes.

But… Did you change one bit since you had entered the forest?

The first instinct was to say, yes, of course you did. You had grown, learned, honed your skills further and further. You had learned so much, which plants to eat and use to cure sickness and disease, which ones to dry or drink as a tea, and which ones to avoid completely due to their poisonous nature.

You gave it a second and third thought. Sure, you learned new things, but everyone did over a certain period of time. What about the last years though? You hadn’t learned anything new, just relied on your past knowledge to get you through the day. There was only so much to learn about a limited space and no matter where you would go, there was nothing in this forest which could excite you anymore. There was no plant, no herb, no animal you didn’t know the name of. Nothing left to learn.

Was it time to accept something entirely out of your range and comfort zone in your life? Was it maybe time to accept other people again?

That night, accompanied by the howling of the wind and the patter of heavy rain, you didn’t close your eyes for a second. Instead you continued to rack your brain for an answer, until the first rays of light started to burn through the dark clouds and the rain faded into a light drizzle.

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She wasn’t back.

Kakashi had woken up with a pesky sting in his neck, draped all over the table, drooling into the fabric of his mask. The exhaustion and stress had finally caught up to him, because even though he had a light sleep, not once the weather outside or the creaks of the walls around him had disturbed his rest. A miracle. Usually, Kakashi couldn’t sleep well in a foreign environment.

Maybe there was something in the air of the hut, in between the scent of herbs and freshly cooked food, the almost overbearing and yet soothing smell of wood, which allowed Kakashi to sleep calmly through the night. An occurrence he was thankful for, especially when he had slept so close to the rest of Team 7. If one of his night terrors had hit him…

A shudder wandered down his back. That would’ve been horrible.

His vest was still a bit wet as the jonin carefully picked it up from the rack. After a day of walking under the sun though, the vest would be dry again. The most important thing though, was that all the scrolls inside weren’t damaged. His thumb flicked the different pockets open, checked the dry scrolls, while his thoughts wandered off — and his eyes with them. To the window. The curtains weren’t closed, showed the still grey but lightening sky and the sun shining behind the billows of clouds.

Why wasn’t she back yet?

Over the snores of the children (even if they saved the world a hundred times, they would always be his little brats in his mind), the shinobi tiptoed outside. The new door didn’t make a single sound as he opened it and stepped into the light of a new day. Fresh air greeted him, cleaned by a hefty rain shower and the angry wind. A release for nature.

For the longest time in his life, Kakashi hadn’t been able to appreciate the calmness of a situation. After the war, after he came to a closure with most of his past, he sometimes managed to relax consciously and enjoy the entire picture. Today was such a day and the meadow was indeed a sight to see. No wonder (Y/N) selected this exact place to settle down and build her house.

(Y/N). Kakashi’s nose wrinkled underneath the mask when he thought about yesterday evening. She had been gone so fast he had no chance to hold her back and when Naruto asked for her name, he acted out of a deep instinct he didn’t acknowledge often. Of course, Naruto had been a bit miffed that he wanted to keep the secret for a little bit longer, but grumpily accepted it in the end, just like the brats had accepted his mask and the secrecy around his face. Kakashi was more worried about the quick escape though than anything else.

She had left her hut, her most precious possession on earth, behind. When there were strangers inside. The question was, what would shake her up so much that she just would leave?

He had an inkling of a hint, but to him, it was such an insignificance that he nearly overlooked it. To his brats, it would be just as insignificant, almost laughable. Death, even such a tragic one, was a daily occurrence in their world. The world of a shinobi. And considering the circumstances…

In his chest, a sigh bubbled up, but he suppressed it. Leaning against the hut, arms crossed over his chest, Kakashi watched how the sun chased the clouds further and further away, until the sky was again a lovely blue hue of spring. When his eyes dropped once more to the tree line around the clearing, he spotted something which hadn’t been there before. A few more moments of staring and watching, until the, by now, well-known shape of (Y/N) peeled herself out of the shadows.

She seemed ragged. Deep bags underneath her eyes, hair in a matted, wet disarray, clothes only barely dry enough to put on without grimacing. Her naked feet squelched on the ground, sunk into the wet earth, only to disengage again with a wet, swamp-like sound. Even though the Witch of the Woods looked like walking death, her visible frustration from yesterday still radiated from her.

But there was something else mixed into her frustration as she crossed eyes with him, something which gave Kakashi a little sliver of something akin to hope.

“Hey,” he greeted lowly, not raising his voice and still knowing she heard it, “Good to see you. For a few hours, I was worried the storm had taken you away.”

Under her wet, matted hair, a pair of defiant and constantly angry eyes glared at him. “Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about you.”

“Maa, that’s harsh.”

“Harsh is in my nature.”

“Maybe, it is.”

A tug at her mouth, like she had to keep herself from spitting a mean insult. Kakashi watched, in his stomach fighting the almost childish, giddy, embarrassment and the grim shinobi-nature he adapted over the years.

“How was the night?” (Y/N) asked instead, jaw working like the unspoken words were still laying on her tongue.

“Calm. Even though,” he rubbed his neck, where the pesky pain still resided, “I have to say, sleeping in a bed would’ve been nice.”

“Why haven’t you done so?”

“What, in your bed? No. That would’ve been out of place, don’t you think?”

“Yes.” Short and clipped.

Kakashi nodded slowly. “Then why do you assume I would’ve done so?”

No answer. Only another wary glance, before the witch crossed her arms over her chest too, mimicking him. Maybe even on a subconscious level. “So… Have you told the misfits?”

He immediately knew what (Y/N) meant. “No.”

“Tell me again why I should believe you.”

“Good instincts on your part?”

“Slowly,” she huffed, “I start to think my instincts are rather rusty.”

Victory. Short and simple. “What does that mean?” Kakashi asked. It seemed like (Y/N) had gotten to a conclusion on her own while she was gone. Alone in the storm, only the gods knew where she spent the night. At the thought of her stumbling through the storm, arms wrapped around herself, the shinobi felt even more guilty.

She wouldn’t have gone out if she didn’t have a plan.

So, no tears hidden by the rain then. Another one of Jirayia’s flowery expressions, Kakashi thought to himself. No, she didn’t seem like the type of human to fall into self-misery, even though it probably had been a situation for it.

The impatient click of her tongue ripped Kakashi out of his thoughts (and out of the stare he had given her lips. Gods, he was doomed). “What do you mean with that stupid question? I thought you’re clever? What I mean with that, is, that I have no idea if I should trust you shinobi at all, even though I can’t help myself to like the company so far.”

“So, you like us.”

“False. I came to like the presence of your misfits,” her tongue hit her front teeth as she emphasized that term, “while you are just a nuisance, destroying my doors and cups.”

“Technically, it was…” A deathly glare was thrown his way and Kakashi put his hands up. “Alright, alright. My fault, too.”

Was that a hint of a smile ghosting over her face? Kakashi would’ve liked to believe so, and the careful hope in his stomach rose into his chest, expanding on the way and growing warmer and warmer.

“So…” (Y/N) wiped a single strand behind her ear, a gesture which drew his eyes again to her hands, “What am I supposed to do with you now? You’re not spilling my name to the misfits, bring me a cup, are nice to me… How could I stay angry at that?”

“I don’t know.”

“Being angry at someone without a valid reason is ugly,” she said, more to herself than to him and in a streak of wisdom, Kakashi decided to keep his mouth shut, “and I think you guys won’t give up so easily. Thus, I would go against my own morals if I would continue to drive you away, especially after you’ve all have done tasks for me.”

Still, it would be wiser to stay silent.

(Y/N) seemed to struggle with what she wanted to say next, but through gritted teeth, her words were still loud and clear enough for Kakashi to understand and breathe a little sigh of relief into the crisp, fresh morning air. “You can stay on the clearing for as long as you need. I will try my best to not get in the way of your mission nor your tasks, and will also reduce my… hostility a little bit.”

“Hopefully not too much,” Kakashi chimed in, “otherwise, we would have to ask ourselves if we’re still talking to the same person.”

“Fuck off, will you?”

“You forgot something.”

“What did I…?” Her eyes widened, and once more, Kakashi couldn’t help but to notice how beautiful her eyes were. “Oh. Well… Fuck off, Kakashi.”

Her words were missing their bite. She knew it, he knew it. “If you wish, then I will do so.” Kakashi retorted, smiling underneath his mask and knowing that his grin showed in the way his eyes creased.

And he was rewarded; with a small smile of her own. No anger, no annoyance, no fear. Just a little joke between them. Not more, not less.

A little start, he liked to think.

Then, the moment was over, just as fast as it had come over them. (Y/N)’s smile vanished, even though the mirth stayed in her eyes. She nodded at the hut, and Kakashi needed a second to calm down his suddenly arrhythmic heartbeat. “Guess the misfits aren’t awake yet?”

“No. Not yet. The stress because of the storm exhausted them.”

“You talk about them like they are your children.”

For the first time, the witch showed true, honest interest in something other than her plants and herbs. “Not really. Not fully,” Kakashi corrected himself as he also looked over to the hut, “I’m not their father, more like a… a funny uncle. But recently, we went through a tough time together and that glued us together.”

“You mean the war.”

“Who told you…? Naruto.”

She nodded. “I was shocked. To think I haven’t even noticed there was a war going on, involving the entire world… It’s hard to grasp when I haven’t seen it.”

“But the Tsukuyomi should’ve reached you too.”

Suddenly, (Y/N) shut down. Her eyes glazed over as her mind went back, probably to the beautiful pictures Kakashi didn’t experience. Another reality, so different from this one and much happier, even though he could only rely on the whispered admissions of the shinobi around him. Fulfilled dreams, hopes, wishes. Small and big stuff, easy or hard to achieve. Stuff like family, lovers, friends who were thought lost and dead. But mostly, peace. Shinobi dreamed of nothing but peace, in one way or another.

Kakashi had no idea what exactly he would’ve dreamed off if Kaguya had trapped him in her Eternal Tsukuyomi and at this point, he was too afraid to find out. (He was afraid of who he would see. His father, alive and well, without the disgraceful sword in his stomach? His mother, also alive and wearing the blurry face his memories gave her? Rin, hand in hand with Obito, the poor sod, one half of his face blushing and the other in the ghostly white of the White Zetsu?

Probably all of these, and more.)

“Yeah,” (Y/N) scratched her right arm right above her elbow, “yeah… I saw the Tsukuyomi. It was…” She searched for words, fumbled with the impressions and images she had in her mind, only to settle in the end for a simple shrug. “Just… strange.”

A few people had expressed difficulties in explaining what they had seen. Too personal, too revealing of their own hidden desires. So, Kakashi didn’t press any further, just nodded and accepted.

He wasn’t prepared for the next question, though.

“Have you seen anything?” (Y/N) asked, her eyes still intently set on the hut. Then, a shy glance towards him. “In the Tsukuyomi?”

“I wasn’t inside,” thankfully, “thus, I couldn’t even answer that question even if I wanted.”

“Aah.” Her low sigh led his attention back to her. Back to her and the strangely endearing features, the interesting shade of her eyes as they flittered all over the surroundings. And Kakashi could feel once more how his heartbeat sped up and the heat rose underneath his mask. It was silly, to think that it didn’t take more than a hostile attitude and an interesting set of survival skills to rope him in. If any of the crazed fangirls back in Konoha knew about this, they would’ve probably switched to the barefooted-style and taken classes at the ninja academy until the rooms would’ve burst out of their seams.

But it wasn’t just that. The appeal of (Y/N) ran deeper. And exactly that was what Kakashi worried. Sure, there had been some times where his restraints had been tested, for example when Hanare, a spy from the Land of Keys, had infiltrated Konoha with one of the most immaculate jutsu for inside-jobs he had ever witnessed. But after some time, things had been revealed about Hanare; things Kakashi couldn’t combine with his own philosophy. His trust would always lay with his village.

Now though, there was someone he found interesting enough to stare at whenever they weren’t looking at him and there was no conflict with his loyalty to Konoha. The only possible reason from his side which could be a problem, would be the involvement in the mission Team 7 had to complete.

This damn mission. The parameters are completely different than stated.

No one told us that we would encounter a human being. The description spoke about a monster. Superstitious folk, altogether.

Kakashi’s mouth turned into a little scowl. Since the start, he had a bad feeling about this, and until then, this feeling only worsened. But before the shinobi could deepen the conversation, maybe ask some of the really important questions, the door of (Y/N)’s house creaked open. Naruto peeked outside, big blue eyes round and turning into their usual happy-go-lucky grin.

“There you are!”

The jonin rolled his eyes when the blond bounced towards them, all gangly limbs and orange jumpsuit. Sakura and Sasuke followed, ableist a bit less enthusiastic. Nevertheless, they showed more happiness than usual, which was good enough for Kakashi. Carefully, like he always did when there were too many people, he took a few steps back, removed himself from the situation and continued to watch the exchange. Out of old instinct, his hand slipped into his vest and extracted the last Icha-Icha-book he owned, opening it with a long-practiced flip of his wrist.

This would be interesting.

“We were worried about you!” Naruto continued to grin as he came to a stop right in front of the Witch. “But it looks like you made it safely to wherever you wanted to go!”

She nodded slowly. “…Yeah.”

“Was everything alright?”

“Yes. I’m…” Again, she nodded. “I’m alright.”

“You look terrible, though.” Sasuke chimed in. Uninterested, the teen shrugged as the sharp eyes of (Y/N) turned to him.

For a short second, Kakashi believed she would fall back into her old behavior, but to his mild surprise, something really had changed within the lonely hermit during the period they didn’t stay together. Instead of throwing a snarky remark back at the broody teen, she chuckled lowly. “Well, you don’t look too good yourself. Is a stone floor not the right bed for your poor back?”

Well, maybe not completely without a snarky remark, but for a single night…

Kakashi flipped to the next page. Not too shabby. Absolutely not too shabby.

Sakura leaned into the little conversation, smiling and mirth sparkling in her eyes. The obvious changes in (Y/N)’s behavior was also noticed by her, and as she rocked back and forth on her heels, arms crossed behind her back, she probably asked the question which burned on all of their tongues like the new spicy ramen from Ichiraku’s.

“Hey, uhm… Now, that Kakashi-sensei knows your name and he doesn’t want to tell us… Would you mind giving us your name or do you want to keep it to yourself? What is totally alright, of course! We all just would like to call your name, you know…”

(Y/N) seemed genuinely surprised. A quick glance at him, what Kakashi answered with a little shrug and another flip of the pages, even though he hadn’t read a single word. She truly didn’t believe him when he told her that he hadn’t given away her name. Fair enough. Still, there was a tiny bit of hurt at her distrust beating alongside his heart as he watched the Witch of the Woods turn again to the misfits who almost hung by a thread, measured at the suspense making the air as thick as stone.

Her nose wrinkled up as her mouth formed the words Kakashi never expected to hear, but seeing the rest of his Team lighten up was worth the little gesture of discomfort (Y/N) showed (and he really couldn’t blame her for that). “My name is (Y/N). Now, get your asses back into the hut and clean up, only the gods know what kind of mess you created in my space this time.”

It was truly a little start. And from there on, their lives (and the mission, Kakashi reminded himself, several minutes after the lonely woman started to clean out her hut with the help of the brats) would be a lot easier. At least, the jonin hoped so.

Chapter Text

This was bad. Seriously, without a doubt, tremendously bad.

Your resources were dried up. Just an empty room greeted you when you opened the little trap right below table, after having shoved aside said furniture. Just a half-empty bag of flour, some potatoes from a few weeks ago and a few other things. You didn’t realize sheltering people for one week would drain your stocks so much, but apparently, in your tries to change and grow, you had overdone it.

Gently, you closed the trap door, while your stomach tightened into a single, messed up knot. That meant you had to go into the village. That meant you had to walk for a day to the village, spend a night out in the open to get up early, make the demeaning walk through the village and bear the insults and death stares thrown your way, only to camp again (travelling by night through the forest was even for you an obstacle you didn’t want to face under all costs) and then make your way back, this time with all the weight of supplies stapled onto your shoulders.

But not only that. Not only that. The darkness beneath your bed seemed to laugh at you as you got up, brushed yourself off and avoided to look into the vague direction of the bed and what was underneath it. Just a few preparations, then you could immediately get out of your hut and be on your way.

You should also, you know, kind of tell that to the shinobi. Just to be nice.

Possibly. I don’t want Naruto to snoop around my hut while searching for me.

While you discussed with yourself about the possibility of checking in with the team of shinobi outside and making sure they wouldn’t go crazy over the duration of your three-day absence, the room around you started to come to life. Bags flew out of different corners, a worn-out backpack which was in desperate need of some repairs slipped out, some rags you would bandage your feet with unrolled themselves and fell over the backrest of the chair. As a last action, you reached out to the darkness beneath your bad and your powers dug out the small box you hated so much.

Your throat was dry as the box settled into your lap. Dry as the forest after a long, hot summer without an ounce of rain. As your fingers hovered over the simple design, they trembled, shook, wary to touch the wood like it would burn your skin. Your breathing came in short, sharp waves as memories flooded your mind.

This is my shame. My only remedy. The only choice to ever step inside the village.

I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe with this thing on. It cuts off my air, cuts of my eyes, my mouth, my ears-!

I have to. Otherwise, I’m lost.

Someone all alone in the forest, even as well-versed and skilled as you, couldn’t survive on its own. Glass, tools, metal parts like nails, flour… Things you didn’t have the knowledge nor the equipment to produce on your own. All of this was available in the village and as gracious as they were, they still allowed you inside.

Under one condition.

For another minute, you stared at the simple box, drawn towards it in a morbid fascination, only to finally rip your eyes away and shove it first into the backpack. The other bags followed suit, together with a small bamboo canteen you still had to fill and a little bag of fruits you would collect on the way. A few stripes of dry meat to eat on the way finished everything off, then, you closed the backpack with a last, reassuring pat to the flimsy material. Also something you had to either repair or build up entirely on your own. The rims made of flexible wood and leather would soon give out. For seven or eight years, the backpack had served well, so you weren’t too miffed about that.

You’re thinking obsessively about something else to not think about the visit in the village.

Yeah, to absolutely avoid it! Of course, I will think about something as trivial as the repair of my fucking backpack if that means I can avoid thinking about the stupidity of the villagers.

With a little grimace, you stood up. Your empty stomach grumbled lowly, but you had no time for tea. As stated, your hut laid right outside of the radius of the village and it would take a whole day to even get close enough to be in the perimeters. No time for a morning tea, unfortunately.

What a shame. Since Kakashi brought you the cup, you had started to enjoy these little moments more than ever. The new one could hold so much more tea and was so colorful like the flowers outside, even though the strange material warmed up way too fast. In the first days, you had burned your fingers a few times, but after a week, you knew it was better to pull the sleeves of your robe over your hands before cupping the cup and stare out of your window at the little camp right across the clearing.

The misfits were still sleeping, but Kakashi was already awake. From your point of view, you could see him, leaning against your favorite tree while flipping through one of his novels. Like always, he noticed your gaze and waved into the direction of the hut. He didn’t even look up as he did so, before his gloved hand dropped back to the book and flipped to the next page.

I still didn’t open the scroll, you glanced back underneath your bed, and I guess for the next few days…

No. No matter what you would encounter, at least you would have a bit of time to fully grasp the secrets of that darn thing. A crook of your index finger was everything needed to beckon the sealed scroll over, jumping like an overexcited puppy into the backpack.

The box on the very bottom, the scroll right on top. You could live with that, for now.

One more moment. One more moment to gather your cool, to suppress your nervousness at the foresight of having to go through —don’t say it, don’t think it!— then the door opened and you stepped outside. Feet still bare and dressed in your best clothing (which didn’t mean much, just the one skirt you only used for this kind of walk and the one shirt which covered all of your arms and shoulders).

Even though he probably noticed you, Kakashi didn’t look up at all from his book as you stepped closer. The morning sun barely rose on the horizon, a few lazy clouds piled on the sky, promising a good day. A shame you wouldn’t be able to enjoy it.

“Good morning.” You greeted the shinobi.

“A good morning to you too, (Y/N).” A little glance hit you, and you were pretty sure some smile-wrinkles appeared around his eyes, before Kakashi lowered his head again. “Did you have a good night’s sleep?”

Another unusual question. You could feel how the blood started to pump faster through your veins, just some pleasantries made you fumble for words. “Good, good.” And then, after a second of awkward pausing. “How was your sleep?”

“Short. I took the early shift to let the misfits sleep in for once.”

“For once? You constantly let them sleep in.”

“Huh?” He closed the book and stashed it away in the depths of his vest, before he grinned almost in a coy manner. “Well, you could say I’m spoiling them a bit before the harshness of life gets them. They certainly deserve it, as saviors of the world and all of that.”

“One day you have to tell me that story.”

“One day, I shall. What brings you so early into our dear little camp?”

“What gives away that I want something?”

Kakashi actually chuckled, a single hand flying up to cover his already covered mouth. “If I may say so, you’re a pretty straightforward person. Sure, when we talk to you now, you don’t reject us anymore, but you would never come to us if you hadn’t something on your mind.”

It was weird. He had only known you for barely two weeks, and you certainly weren’t used to being read that easily. Your ears grew red as you tried to find the reason again, your tongue suddenly becoming a knot and your heart thumping with the might of a waterfall against your ribcage.

“Yeah,” you pushed a single strand of your hair behind your ear, “I just wanted to tell you that I will be gone for a few days. Three days, max.”

Suddenly, Kakashi’s gaze sharpened. “For what?” he asked.

“Supplies. Since the misfits come over almost every night, they dwindled into nothingness.”

Another thing which had surprised and also somehow scared you. With the exception of Kakashi, Team 7 had taken it upon themselves to come over every evening and share some of their food with you. Ration bars, little snacks like a cup of ramen Sakura had pried out of Naruto’s hands, a few dried tomatoes Sasuke hadn’t eaten yet. Some stuff you never had before and tested out with the curiosity of a child experiencing its first candy ever.

Which was kind of fitting.

Kakashi’s next question startled you though, especially because you never would’ve taken such an offer into consideration.

“Do you want us to come with you? When we are the reason your supplies are low, we should make up for it.”

Immediately, panic rose. Surged through your veins, coiled and froze your heart in an instant. “No, that’s really not necessary! I’m fine on my own, so don’t bother with my shopping at all! Just do your mission, do whatever you have to do and I’ll be back in three days!”

Gods, that would be a disaster. True terror flashed through your bones. Sure, you knew these people only for such a short time span. But for the first time in your entire life (a sad realization, truly), people were genuinely nice to you. They were nice because they didn’t know about your past, because they didn’t know about what you had done. They didn’t know what you wanted to do so many years ago, and how much your decision back then carved the current life you lived.

They didn’t need to know. They shouldn’t know. Absolutely, no. If they would know, all the small gestures of friendliness would cease to exist. The small talk, the smiles, the laughter. The little things you learned to like and even craved, even though you still acted like you were the same grumpy witch who didn’t care at all…

Well, as it turned out, you did care. A lot.

Breaking news. You care about people who are nice to you.

Man, if anyone ever told the villagers, they would’ve gained my loyalty for life.

Good thing nobody told them.

With raised hands and knowing your lies were as see-through as the glass for your windows, you back away. Foot for foot, stumbling through the grass, back towards your hut, while Kakashi’s eyes had now sharpened to the point that the hair on your arms rose, alarmed by the attention you received. Quickly, you turned away, rubbing over your forearms like winter had come early. But no, it was still spring, still a nice day and the sun was shining.

You didn’t exchange another word with anyone else. Just took the backpack, hoisted it over your shoulders and you were gone out of the backdoor before anyone could stop you. Your heart was pounding the whole time, beating in your throat and choking you.

This. This was the right way. You wouldn’t be able to face the misfits if they knew. If they knew what you had done. If they knew what happened, why the village banned you. You were a murderer, used your powers against someone else, and no one else but you was at fault.

A few minutes away from your hut, you stopped. One look over your shoulder, then you sighed lowly, dropped to the ground and scrambled through your backpack. There, the bandages. It took you precious moments before you managed to start wrapping them around your dirty feet, the curling toes and almost iron-hard sole. Unluckily, this activity allowed your thoughts to break free again. To break free and roam, explore and go back.

“Nobody wants you here! My parents said you’re only allowed to be here ‘cause you’re useful!”

“You’re a monster! Stay away from us!”

“How about if you hit the monster with a stone on the head, I give you my dessert!”

“Hit her, hit her! She won’t do anything, she’s too scared!”

“My pa says when I’m the village head, I can do whatever I like. My first order will be to kill you!”

The childish voices and insults still rung in your ears as you finished, together with the honest threat uttered more than once. More than once, hurling them at you together with the sticks and stones which were indeed not able to break bones. But they bruised, hard, leaving blue and green marks all over your body.

Not that any of the adults had cared. Lost in your thoughts, your hands flexed, fingers crooking and curling as they remembered the pain of defending yourself from another assault, another barrage of stones going down like hail in the winter.

Not important. Get up. You have a long way ahead of you.

With a last flex of your fingers, you moved again to stand, brushed the earth crumbs off your backside and started to move. Away from your safe haven, away from the people you hesitantly came to like.

The sun already sunk an hour ago when you first spotted the outskirts of the village. A wooden wall, meant to keep wild animals and bandits out (and their superstitious beliefs and dumbness inside) greeted you, and knowing they wouldn’t open the gates for you in the evening, you tried to find a place to sleep for the night. Thankfully, at least the moon was on your side. Full and round he stood at the sky, while you trudged through the underwood, cursing under your breath and more than once hitting your toes at stones and roots which grew all over the place.

Out here, nature didn’t feel as familiar as around your hut. Everything seemed muted, tamed, caged. Trampled down through years of children and adults running around and searching for the fruits of the forest, beaten-down paths leading to the best places to play and hunt. The forest felt like a stranger as you continued to creep through the bushes, until you came across a small meadow, not even the size of your entire hut. The trees stood close enough to give you a sense of security as you dropped into the harsh grass, the slightly hurting feet finally resting after a full day of walking over hard earth, an unsteady bridge and a slowly growing way of sand and pebbles.

 I’m surprised some of the more entitled villagers haven’t complained yet to me why my hut is so far out of their range.

I can already hear their voices. “When I’m deadly sick, I can’t walk the distance! Move closer to us!”

Well, even if I were allowed to move closer to the village, I wouldn’t, just to avoid your stupid whining. Shut the fuck up.

The deep sigh which had lived in your chest since this morning finally left your lungs. Tomorrow would be hell. It always was when you had to go and stock up your supplies. Always a living hell. Just for a few hours. Hours which felt like months. Months of torture, months of being stared at, months of whispers in your back, months of insults hurled at you. At the sheer thought that all of that awaited you tomorrow, a queasy wave spread in your stomach. Under no circumstances, you wanted to be anywhere near the village. But you had to. You had to, because the community had goods you needed. And no matter how little they relied on you, as a group with more skills and talent you could ever achieve as a single person.

You were more dependent on them than they ever would depend on you. And the village was very well aware of that.

Another sigh, and you turned onto your side, curling around your backpack. The scroll pushed into your stomach, but right now, you were too mentally occupied to try once more to break the seal on your own. Another, much lower sigh from deep within your chest, then you closed your eyes and tried to ignore the fact that you could feel the insects crawl over the earth, that you missed the little chatter of some happy misfits in the distance or the silent wisps of pages being turned.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When you woke up from your restless sleep that morning, you automatically followed a procedure which was by now ingrained into your veins. First, blinked away the unshed tears in your eyes. As the incoming nausea already started to nestle itself into your bones like a bear nestled itself into its cave for winter, you tried to wrinkle out your dirty clothes and comb your unruly hair with your fingers. Twigs and leaves fell through your already shaking fingers, only to drop to your sides as your view shifted to your backpack. One, two moments of hesitation, of dragging the precious free seconds out, then your dug into the pack. Your nails scratched over the dreaded wood, gripped the edges, tugged the slender box out into the morning sunlight. Nothing more than a simple wooden box was necessary to intensify the nausea in your stomach by a tenfold. You tried to breathe, in and out in long, concentrated motions, but no matter how much you told yourself that it was only for some hours, only for a day, your breathing rung shallow and ragged through the air. Short puffs, like an animal backed into a corner. Cornered by the small, simple box in your lap.

You stretched your fingers, flexed and stretched them while hovering over the wood.  More empty seconds, only spent with staring holes into the air and hands flexing. More borrowed, dragged out moments. A little breeze caressed your face, like the wind already started to miss your features for the day and tried to remember it.

No use in waiting any longer. Get over with it.

Open the box. Open the box, come on.

And yet, you still hesitated. Stole a few more moments, cherished them with your entire being, grounded yourself in the nature, only to finally open the hated, dreaded, despised and feared box.

Dark fabric, heavy leather, suffocating and sweaty from the times you used it in the summer. It smelled like a dead animal and to be honest, you already felt like one as you carefully lifted the mask out of its box. A mask which would hide your entire face, your hair, the top of your shoulders. A mask which marked you as what you were. A murderer, banned from the village and only endured once in a while.

Another shuddering breath in. Just one more minute, just a little bit more time. You wanted to feel the fresh air on your skin, to hear the leaves rustling around you, to feel free and accepted. Anything was better than to feel this damned leather on your skin.

It was the same spiel every time. While the sun continued to rise in the sky, promising another beautiful day, you argued with yourself for a few more minutes, dragged out the little time you had left, before you lifted the mask to your head, hesitating on every inch along the way. Despite the hate you carried for the mask, it fit almost like a second skin. A badly burned and badly healed second skin, with deep valleys, ridges and thin strings to tie the mask close in your neck.

Automatically, you tied a neat, little bow in the back of your neck as you tried to ignore the smell inside the mask. Your field of vision was reduced to merely a few inches. Your nose was covered too, except for a small hole to suck in some desperately needed air. The hole over your mouth was sewn close, with rough, big stitches. The wordless message was clear. You weren’t supposed to speak, to be seen, to be acknowledged as a person.

Rightfully earned and deserved all these years ago.

A murderer isn’t a person anymore. Just a criminal.

Slowly, you stood up. Slowly, you shouldered the backpack, even though you didn’t find the straps at first. Slowly, step by step, you tried to find a way through the underwood with limited sight, smell and hearing, while sweat already started to build up under the heavy leather like it was high summer. Yesterday, the way from the path to the little meadow had taken you mere minutes. Now, you needed almost half an hour on the same way back, stumbling and struggling to climb over the easiest roots.

But it was one of the few conditions for the village to allow you for a limited time back inside the walls. Wear the mask before you knock at our gates. Otherwise, there will be no one willing to open.

Every step felt like the entire walk from your hut. You shivered under the bright, warm sun like snow was covering the ground, all the while the nausea rose and rolled around in your stomach. Thankfully, you hadn’t eaten anything, otherwise, it would’ve been a terrible waste.

With your eyes lowered the ground, you took the last step. Only a few more meters parted you from the high, wooden walls.

You waited with bated breath. Waited while the sun continued to rise. Minutes turned into an hour, sweat build beneath the heavy leather. Without a doubt, one of the guards manning the walls should have spotted you by now. But, as usual, they let you wait, suffer, brew in your own juices. Another ritual the villagers loved to tend to.

Then, finally, a croaky voice echoed over the small path and you automatically straightened, standing at attention for the villagers who couldn’t care less.

“You’re here again.”

A sharp nod.

“Supplies?” An uninterested question, just following the protocol.

Another nod and you turned slightly to show the backpack.

The voice paused, maybe listening to someone else, someone older. You didn’t know this younger man, at least, you never heard his voice before. Looking up was not an option. Looking up would mean to risk to meet the eyes of one of the guards, of someone who would possibly throw the first hateful words at you.

Not now, not yet. You breathed in, the leather clinging to your nostrils, before you breathed out again and the fabric loosened its grip. More sweat clung to your entire face, to your head, to your shoulders, permeated every single of your cells while you waited, waited and thanked the heavens that the misfits didn’t have to see this. That they didn’t have to witness how you basically crawled in front of the villagers, seeing how pathetic you were in reality.

All high and mighty alone in the woods, but small and pathetic in front of the village. Your heart sunk as the gates creaked open. There it was. The torture was starting, officially with the opening of the gates and the guards wordlessly gesturing you closer, inside the village.

Let hell rain down on me.

Keep calm. Please, keep calm and don’t screw up.

Don’t kill anyone else.

Your sense of sight and smell were curtailed. Unluckily, your sense of hearing wasn’t. Not much. As you walked through the gates, head lowered and staring intently on the ground, the tense silence greeted you. People had been in the middle of their business, walking around with bags and baskets full of produce, small families going on with their days, children playing in the street, men building something with wooden bars hoisted upon their shoulders.

They all stared at you. Their eyes pierced your soul as you advanced, setting your bandaged feet silently onto the road leading through the village.

The village. You didn’t have to look up as you walked forward, you knew the way by heart. (Scared off by the mask, everyone should’ve moved out of your path anyway). The houses guarding the main street through the small town looked so much more stable than your own hut. Built by people who really learned their craft, with real tools and real knowledge. Even their roofs alone made the pride for what you built for yourself deep in the woods shrivel and wilt away. Your roof was terribly askew. Only out of sheer, dumb luck it didn’t fall down on you during the storm a week ago. Hell, it was a miracle your hut in itself was still standing.

Their clothes, gods, their clothes. No rough patches, no dull, always brownish colors. Real colors, like the clothing of the shinobi. Bright, happy colors and nice, soft fabrics.

The dead silence followed on your heels. Not for long, though. When you trudged past a little family, the village found its voice again. The father, a rough man with a full beard and as wide as a bear pushed himself in front of his wife, a haggard woman with deep bags under her eyes, who tugged the boy closer to her side, like she expected you to go crazy and snatch the child away.

When you spotted the disgusted expression on the fathers’ face, you lowered your head again, but it was too late.

“Fucking monster,” he drawled, “that they still allow her in here is a crime in itself.”

“Ma?” The childish voice rung in your ears, high and innocent and soon learning what his big, round eyes looked at. “What’s wrong?”

“Shush. Let’s just go.”

“But Ma-!”

“Let’s go.” Shuffled steps, and the boys’ voice asking again and again his mother why they had to go. The man though, was a whole different story.

Like a moth drawn to the flame, like he couldn’t help himself, his heavy steps trailed after you, together with his disgusted, angry and still delighted voice, relishing in the insults he hurled at your drawn-up shoulders. “Already crawled back again, huh? What are you here for? Want to kill us all now?”

You didn’t say anything, but it was no use. Like always, the voice in your back wouldn’t stop, just continued on yapping and spewing hate, while the earlier silence of the surrounding people turned into evil whispers. Fueled and invited by the first man to speak up.

“She’s here again.”

“Damn witch. Coming in here like she owns the place.”

“We don’t want you here! Fuck off, back into the woods!”

“We don’t want a murderer in our middle!”

“Killer, murderer, an innocent child-!”

“Tell the children to hide, no, the witch is back-!”

“Murderer! MURDERER, MURDERER!”

Even when every fiber in your body wanted to break into a sprint, your pace didn’t quicken. Even when the hate burned in your lungs, even when your insides curled and even when the first bits of bile rose into your throat, you didn’t run or break your rhythm. If you showed even the tiniest sign of being affected in any way (fuming in anger, breaking into tears or running away) would only worsen the insults and eventually also results in thrown stones.

You already experienced that. Didn’t need to go back there again.

The muster would repeat itself. Men of varying ages, no matter if farmers, workers or old men, would spot you walking the walk of shame, head lowered to the ground and feet dragging through the sand, plus the quickly growing mob right on your heels, and whoever would watch would join. More and more insults were hurled at your back. The same old insults, the same old demands to leave. And still, even though you heard them already so many times, they still hurt.

Finally, you were able to stop in front of the first shop, a little run-down but well-kept building with a few flower pots growing in front of the windows. A few herbs, nothing special. Mint, camille, peppermint. In your thoughts, you named the small plants and repeated their names like a holy mantra while you pushed the door open. The mob stayed behind, only their voices followed through the walls, muffled and boiling in murderous intent.

Mint, camille, peppermint. Mint, camille, peppermint.

With your limited view, you had to turn your head around to inspect your surroundings and find what you were looking for. There, right beside the door. Heavy bags of flour, the white powder crumbing in small piles around that area. Ignoring the hushed murmurs and discussions still reaching your ears, you crouched down and hoisted one of the heavy bags onto your shoulder. Obviously, you would’ve preferred to carry the flour with your gift, but… Considering the superstitious nature of the villagers, showing off your powers had never been a good thing. So, physical labor it was.

Only a low grunt escaped you as you lifted the heavy bag up and stumbled deeper into the general store, turning your head almost frantically around and craning your neck to not stumble over your own feet. More heat gathered under the mask as you slowly collected the few things you needed. A pot of sugar, another bag of rice, salt, pepper. Simple things, but still unattainable living as a reclusive.

You knew you were being watched. With hawk eyes, to make sure you weren’t stealing anything (like anyone could run away with three different six-pound bags on their shoulders), thin shoulders squared and fingers impatiently tapping onto the wooden counter, Arata waited for you to come closer. Funnily enough, he was one of the few people who wouldn’t throw and spit insults into your face, though, the shopkeeper had found different methods to make your life harder.

Much, much harder in a much, much crueler way.

Wordlessly, you dropped all the bags onto the counter, head again low and falling forward. Arata, eyes as sharp as you remembered and deep wrinkles in his face despite the similar age you shared, grunted and dragged one of them closer. The salt, you believed. You knew him, knew him from when you two had been children. He always had the highest accuracy in hitting you with the biggest stones. Countless small scars hidden all along your body were proof of that.

Again, he grunted, his hand protectively clawing into the rough fabric of the salt bag. “Salt is out.”

So, no salt for the next month. A little nod to acknowledge his blockage was everything you could do. Well, at least he didn’t take the-!

“We have no rice either.”

Your stomach dropped through the floor. Rice was filling, rice was versatile and would’ve carried your stomach almost entirely over the next month if you would be careful with your supplies. No rice meant that you had to hunt. No rice meant less variety, and the missing salt would make preserving meat or vegetables harder.

Yes, Arata was maybe not insulting you, but with his direct power over your supplies, he could do way more damage to you and you personally than the angry mob in your back. With your mouth sewn shut, by the fabric and the rules, you could only watch how he dragged the two needed bags over the counter and dropped them with low grunts onto the ground. Out of sight and completely out of reach.

He continued to speak in his typical low drawl, teeth clenched as he heaved the heavy rice bag also to the ground, his joints popping loudly in the silence. “My cart is behind the house. Noburu is waiting for it already, so you better hurry up. I keep your purchase while you working for your food.”

A cart. The stomach worsened, nearly reached a new peak. Forcing you to push and pull his cart around town like a stupid donkey, without the usage of your powers was a new low for him. A damn cart, made for horses. To Noburu, out of all people. The smith hated you with a passion and would use the chance to further ridicule you. Not to talk about Arata, who certainly would use the opportunity to mess with your requested supplies.

But you had no choice. As a hermit, money was a hard thing to come by, and by doing tasks around the village for the responsible villagers in charge of a store, they allowed you to “earn” your purchases “in a reasonable state according to the fulfillment of the task”.

Wordlessly, you nodded and pushed the other heavy bags to the side, so other incoming customers wouldn’t take or stumble over them. Like a reliable, old clockwork, Arata spread a shabby and roughly-patched up blanket over the pile, marking it as yours. Then, he nodded over his shoulder, gesturing at the back door behind him.

“I would get going.”

Again, you nodded while scrambling around the counter. In your haste, you bumped your hip at the sharp edge. Pain shoot through your body and even though you cringed away from the relentless fire out of instinct, you bit your lips and didn’t let Arata hear that you hurt yourself. You just slowed down the tiniest bit as you waited for the pain to vanish.

That will become a nasty bruise for sure.

The mob hadn’t vanished. They waited like damn pikes, lingering in the water for a target to show itself. When the backdoor opened with an audible creak (your teeth almost hurt from the mere sound), they smelled the blood and rolled around the store to watch with hateful glee how you went to work.

It was strenuous, humiliating work. If it had been hot beneath the mask before, then now the temperatures under the thick leather could beat hell itself by a few degrees. The small field of vision became more and more distorted the more sweat ran into your eyes as your hands gripped into the smoothened wood of the cart and tried to pull it onto the street. Obviously, the mob wasn’t that much of a big help.

More insults, more ridicule, more hate poured over your head as you trudged out into the street, this time pulling the heavy cart over the gravel. By now, you could close all the words out, close your ears, shut your eyes and move forward, despite the sharp edges of wood digging into your hands and the weight holding you back.

The only good thing about you pulling the cart through the village was that no one dared to come close to it. They knew what would happen if one of them — accidentally or not —would damage it. Arata was friends with the village head, and the village head handed out hefty punishments to the ones who would attack his friends. Even when the attack was originally aimed at someone like you… No, at you.

The sun had risen even further and was nearly at its zenith when you finally arrived at the smithery. Smoke rose from the chimney and the faint sound of a hammer going down on metal had echoed through the streets when you couldn’t even see Noburu’s working place. With a last, low grunt, you pulled the cart close enough to the open smithery that Noburu looked up from the hatchet he was working on.

Almost immediately, his grim and rough face turned even darker.

“The fuck do you want from me?” he shouted. As he stepped away from the anvil, the hold around the heavy hammer, all black from the ash of his profession, tightened and Noburu made sure you saw that he was on edge.

Wordlessly, you gestured towards the cart, pointed into the general direction of the general store of Arata and could only hope he wouldn’t misunderstand. Noburu loved to do that, to play dumb and get you into more trouble than you already had.

Please. Like he doesn’t just amp up his natural stupidity to the max when he’s around me.

“Oh?” His small, dark eyes fluttered over the cart, while his small brain tried to make up a little lie the mob would eat up right out of his hands. “Well… You want to say you stole the cart from Arata?”

The only thing you could do was shake your head wildly, but no one cared about your opinion. The mob screamed in delight at your supposed crime, Noburu crossed his arms while showing off his absolutely disgustingly yellow horse-teeth in a lazy grin, and you could feel how tired resignation to the situation washed over you.

Here we go again.

“You know what a new crime does to your record?” he asked, his loud voice booming over the heads of the angry mob. “You know that, yeah?”

It was useless. There were not even any tears left to cry over the hopelessness of the situation and the realization that this month, your supply run would get you nowhere. Arata wouldn’t give you any bags. Noburu wouldn’t accept that you just fulfilled a task for Arata in order to pay for your already limited purchase. Shoulders low and head even lower, you waited. You allowed the noise to swallow you completely. The howls of triumph, the bloodthirsty demands to kill the witch, the feeling of being all alone in the world and never being able to live in peace.

Their behavior hurt even more than usual. For a few seconds, you asked yourself how that could be, they always acted like erratic apes whenever you came to fill up your supplies.

But the misfits were at fault. Their friendliness and their actions, showing you that you were more than a murderer, a mere animal to poke and make fun of. Their friendliness made you believe that you deserved to be treated like an actual human being.

A hand emerged through the fog, gripping with the strength of a bear into your shoulder. You looked up and met Noburu’s sadistic look, all yellow teeth and dark happiness.

“Yundai will want to know about your new crime,” he said and the mob howled again, “and he has to decide what your punishment will be.”

At the mentioning of the village head’s name, your heart forgot how to move. For several seconds, it felt like every ounce of air was pressed out of your lungs, your hands shook and the nausea reached an all-time high. Yundai. The thorn in your side when you all had been children and now, as the leader of the entire village, he grew up to be an entire thorn bush. Back in the days, Yundai was the leader of his little group of followers, tormenting you and making up funny games like, “Hit the head” or “Who can dump more water over the bastard while she’s sleeping?”. Understandably, most of these games involved some kind of harm for you. And held down by Umi’s restrictions and punishments, you hadn’t retaliated. Well, until the day it had been enough.

You didn’t defend yourself, just allowed Noburu to drag you through the crowd and through the streets. Stumbling over your own feet, only held up by the bear-like hand of the smith, you dimly noted how satisfied the villagers seemed to be with the upcoming talk Yundai would give to you.

Of course, the house of the village head was the most pompous building in the entire village. The wooden beams at each corner were of the same wood as your new door, only even older than the tree you had used. They supported the thick, creamy-white walls and the bright red roof since decades and supposedly would do so for the next two or three decades too. Big, open windows with incarnate, beautifully crafted curtains hiding the living room from any curious eyes. The house itself was sitting on a small hill, a wide staircase dug into the rich earth led upwards and directly in front of the big door.

And Noburu led you right in front of the staircase, together with the mob. Shouts and screams for their supposed justice, demanding your death with every ounce of hate and anger they could carry in their small hearts. The mob was roaring, stomping and you tried to ignore the fear breathing down your neck.

Once in a blue moon, it would be like this. The tension in the people would be high due to something else, you needed supplies and the village used the chance to get their rocks off at someone who was already at the total bottom of their social ladder. Nothing to be done about it than holding onto your quickly failing control and not showing your panic at being so defenseless.

It took Yundai only a few minutes to react to the overall noise. When the door opened, an almost eerie silence settled over the area and like everyone else, you couldn’t help yourself but to stare at him.

No matter how old he was, he was always surrounded by an aura of pure charisma. Maybe it was the little hook in his nose, maybe it was the crystal-clear judgement in his eyes, maybe even the small dimple at his chin. His stature betrayed him; all high and mighty, showing off his position at the top of a village at the end of the Fire Country. Yundai smiled as he stepped outside, but the expression turned sour when his eyes laid upon you.

“What happiness,” his sneer didn’t even faze you anymore at this point, “to see our very own criminal back in our walls.”

You lowered your head in a weak greeting.

“Now, what have you done this time?”

“She stole Arata’s cart-!”

Yundai waved Noburu off. “Nothing against you, my old friend, but I would like to hear her excuses.”

Always playing the part of the benevolent leader. But at least, he allowed you to speak for yourself. “It was a simple misunderstanding,” you rasped out, coughed and continued, “Arata told me to bring his cart to Noburu, as part of our agreement. Unluckily, he got the impression that I stole the cart and hurled it through the entire village right into his arms.”

“A misunderstanding? And why are the people so agitated if it was a simple misunderstanding?”

“I guess because I’m present.”

“Not because you try to cover up another crime?” Yundai raised a single eyebrow and with that single motion, the spell over the mob was broken. All of them screamed out in unison, told about the lies you were spewing, that you stole the cart, that you hurt Arata in the process, that you killed him and his family.

But just as easily as the beast awoke, Yundai was able to tame it with a little crook of his fingers. “I’m not too sure. Why is my village always in disarray when you are here, Witch? Don’t answer,” he immediately added, “I don’t want to hear it. Fact is, that the only reason we still support you despite your heinous crime against an innocent child is because of Ren. He swears on your herbs and knowledge, even though I don’t see any difference between his plants and yours.”

Because they are both the SAME, dumbass. I’m giving them to him to cultivate them further, but because he has more talent in handling people than gardening, they always die sooner or later.

Despite better knowledge, you tried to continue your defense. “I’m sorry that it comes off that way, but-!”

“You’re not allowed to speak!” Yundai hissed. His friendly mask fell rapidly away and revealed the same cruel boy he had been all these years ago. His steps on the staircase seemed the thunder in your ears, but it was only your heart beating so loud that you could feel it. “I haven’t forgotten what you did. No one ever will. But I’ve seen it, with my own two eyes what you have done to the poor Kenta. My friend, our friend. He never did anything to you, but you killed him. Killed him with your unholy powers. Unnatural to the very core. Umi-san, the gods have mercy on her soul, was a fool for thinking she could suppress your nature. The moment your father came back from the woods with you in your hands, you were nothing but a nuisance on our community.”

Noburu’s hand dug deeper into your shoulder. “Justice for Kenta,” he mumbled and when you looked up, you swore the ape was crying weakly, “Justice for Kenta and safety for our children.”

Kenta. Kenta, the “innocent soul”. Sure. Just as innocent as Yundai, Noburu and Arata. Just as innocent as Umi, who allowed their cruelty, even encouraged it. Anger burned in your throat, but you swallowed it down. Swallowed and endured, held onto your brittle control while drowning out the hateful voices, while your thoughts returned to the fateful day. The day when everything changed. The day you were banned, the day the people finally had a reason to throw you into the wilderness.

“Please… Please stop!”

“Dumb cow, go die!”

“No one wants you here!”

“Go die~! Go die~!”

“Stop, please! I beg you, stop!”

That day, you failed twice. Once, you killed someone. And second… You killed the wrong person.

Chapter Text

Kenta. Poor, cruel Kenta. Unofficial second hand of Yundai, always up to mischief and like an overeager puppy always following Yundai wherever the boy would go. He was the first one to pick up a new “game”, he was the one right after the leader to torture you further. Kenta had needed the appreciation and recognition of Yundai like flowers needed water. He relished in it, starved and hungered for it, and would go over and beyond to achieve it.

Unfortunately, Kenta only had to die to gain his life goal.

You remembered the fateful day like it was yesterday, a broken nightmare occurring again and again. The wet splatter of blood into grass. A sickening crunch of bones, screams, followed by dead silence. Your own heaves, the burn of acid in your throat, the tears and ringing in your ears. Darkness as you finally fell unconscious, exhausted by using your powers in such a way. Such a cruel, deadly way.

Noburu’s shovel hand suddenly pushed you forward. A stumble, and you landed in front of the stairs, in front of Yundai’s feet. Looking up was almost impossible with the mask on. Like this, you could only lower your head further to the ground to hide any kind of reaction still visible, while you waited for Yundai to stop his droning and getting down to the main point. You had heard his speeches about your “rotten presence in the woods” a thousand times already. He had called you so many names while the villagers only stood by and nodded their empty heads without a chance to defend yourself.

You had no idea how much time passed. Ignoring everything and disassociating from your own body was the best choice you had in this scenario, until a heavy foot in your back pushed you further into the ground.

“Yundai asked something, Witch,” Noburu spat out.

You hadn’t listened. So far gone that the question went completely over your masked head. From here on, it would only be worse. You could feel it deep in your bones, the nausea curling and boiling in your stomach and bile rising into your throat. The only thing you could do was shake your head, showing that you didn’t hear, didn’t listen, didn’t notice.

Another kick, and this time, it hurt. “Answer,” Noburu demanded and you could hear the cruel grin in his voice, “or this will only get worse for you.”

One part of you wanted to lash out. Wanted to make space, wanted to break free and punish all these people around you for making you earn up to something you never did. Your gift was brewing right below the surface, and the lid you put on was so close to falling apart that you thought to see some grass moving against the breeze blowing softly over the scenery.

Gods, no. Please not, not now.

Control, come on. Breathe in, breathe out. These people don’t matter.

Have some goddamn forsaken control, will you?

The tuft of grass calmed down. A last deep exhale, before you allowed yourself to attempt to get up. A little push against Noburu’s foot, that was everything it took the bigger, stronger, wider man to dramatically gasp out.

“Run! She’s attacking us!”

Mind you, it was merely a twitch of your back and legs, begging you to get out of this uncomfortable position. But Noburu’s warning rung over the mob like he warned them about a bear loose in their village and they reacted accordingly. At first, there was pressured silence, only to break into scared screams and shouts, followed by the wild flight of a group in full-blown panic. When you dared to look up and around, the area before Yundai’s house was empty.

Well, except for the house owner. Yundai still stood on the stairs, back straight and arms crossed over his chest, one hand absent-mindedly caressing his chin while his intense eyes were locked onto your body as you scrambled to your feet.

“Looks like the Witch still hasn’t enough,” he commented and continued to watch how you struggled on your feet, “Or will you really dare to attack me?”

Weakly, you shook your head. No, attacking someone was totally out of the question, even when it was Yundai. Especially when it was Yundai. If anything would happen to him in your proximity, on top of that, all alone and without witnesses (like they were of any use), then you could pack your bags and only pray that the entire village wouldn’t burn you on a stake. Even when they didn’t have the training of a shinobi, the sheer mass of bodies would tire you out before you would be able to run away.

Yundai shook his head, some of his dark hair falling into his face as he climbed further down. Almost at your eye level, but still one or two steps above you, your old and current nemesis watched you with the interest of a child who had thrown his own puppy into a deep lake to see if it really drowned.

“You know you’re lucky that we don’t chase you away, right?”

Your shoulders dropped even lower. Yes, you were aware. The resources, the skills, the talent you didn’t have, all gathered in this village, so far off any roads that you had no idea where to go to in order to find another one. Rural and cut off any communication except for some kind of message system you had yet to get behind between the heads of the villages. Still, there was no one else around for miles. Miles and miles of forest, mountains and undisturbed nature.

“Aaah, so you’re aware,” his voice permeated every possible layer of protection you could build up, lightning striking through the shroud of night, “You’re aware. And you also know why?”

Slowly, you nodded. There were many, many reasons. Your powers were only the most striking one. But the people had always loathed you, from the very moment you took a single step through the gates as a little girl, barely able to speak and seeing a whole new world.

Yundai chuckled. “My father spoke a lot about yours. Said he was a fool for going so much into the forest instead of helping on our fields. Said that the fairies would get him one day and keep him forever. Well, that obviously didn’t happen, but…” A heavy hand settled onto your head. “He brought something back. Something which wasn’t quite like us, like humans. His daughter, a little freak.”

The hand pressed downward. With a little twitch, you complied, followed the pressure down and lowered your head further.

“My father said,” Yundai hissed, “that we should’ve killed you then and there. An abomination, right out of the forest. The fairies have led your father astray, confused him with their magic. I bet he only got sick because he missed your whore of a mother so much.”

Maybe. You couldn’t tell. The earliest and only memory you had of your mother was of a soft voice who spoke about the importance of life. That everything had to live and that nobody had the right to end an existence, except when it was death between hunter and prey.

What happened between Kenta and you certainly didn’t come close to that bond.

And your father? Had preached the same thing, like the words of your mother were engraved in his mind and begged to be repeated over and over. For once, you agreed with Yundai on something, it was also the only thing you two would ever agree on something. Your father probably got sick from staying away from your mother. He wilted away like a flower without sunlight, not able to see your mother anymore and not able to pick himself up. When you hit your fifth or sixth year, he passed away.

He didn’t love me enough to stay alive. To fight the sickness.

He wanted to go back. Back into the forest.

Where you lived now. What a cruel irony.

Pain in your neck tugged you back into reality, as Yundai pushed you further down. Further and further, until even bowing down wasn’t enough anymore to follow his movements. Your knees cracked as you bended them, lowered yourself to the ground, all of it guided by the heavy hand in the back of your head.

His hateful voice was now barely above a whisper, his dark words only meant for your ears and your ears only. “Never forget that Kenta is dead because of you. You killed him in cold blood and didn’t even have the brain to hide it. You killed him right in front of us, in front of me, Noburu, Arata and Ren. I was bathed in his blood. He was right by my side as you decided to show your true nature. A damn monster, that’s what you are and nothing more. Not even a witch hiding away in the forest and crawling back to us whenever you need something, but a monster who has to rely on others to survive. A parasite. Your very nature makes it impossible for us to thrive, as a village and as a community. You own us for keeping you alive, for being the nuisance that you are, for being alive and in our proximity.”

Right. Everything Yundai said was right. No matter how many times you tried to tell yourself that you were independent, no matter how much you would learn in the old books falling apart at the seams, you simply didn’t have the tools to make some things you desperately needed. Always dependent on the village, always an inconvenience, a danger.

Yundai’s breath crashed into your skin as he lowered his mouth towards your ear, still pushing you into the ground with all his might, while you allowed it to happen. “Don’t think for a second I don’t know who you really wanted to kill that day. Poor Kenta was only in the way, wasn’t he? You greedy monster wanted me. Dead in front of your dirty feet. Wanted my blood splattered over your little fucking hands.”

That was also right. Yundai was the leader behind everything. Back in your childhood, he was the one to invent all these fun games. The first one to throw the first stone, the first one to put not so nice words and feelings into the hearts of his friends. And as a child, these actions didn’t go unnoticed. Of course, hatred for him had festered inside of you.

Who wouldn’t hate the ringleader of their torturers?

But to wish them death? And actually, really trying to kill him? These were two completely different shoes. And yet, you went there. Went there and did that, only… Only that you failed miserably and killed the wrong one. Not less guilty than the other, but still. The wrong one.

A monster, an abomination, a sign of misfortune. Tears of shame and hopelessness burned in your eyes. Your throat tightened as you inhaled the intense scent of earth and dirt. Yundai’s foot switched places with his hand and pressed your face down, pressed harder and harder into the back of your skull. Slowly, pain seeped into your body.

There you were, on your knees once more, nose slathered in leather and sweat, kneeling and bowing like a beggar. Even your best clothing came close to mere rags, dusted and smeared by grass and earth. You were nothing in the face of the village, in the face of its inhabitants, in the face of your mother and father. Not worth anything, not worth a dime, not worth the dirt underneath your feet.

At first you didn’t register that the pressure stopped to grow. Too bundled up you were in your own thoughts, in your own hatred and shame, that you didn’t notice how Yundai fell silent, only to raise his foot and release you from the physical pressure. A thick curtain laid over your mind, making the same dull thoughts turning over and over in your head.

A monster. An abomination. A misfortune. A monster. An abomination. A misfortune. A monster. An abomination-!

Hands touched your shoulders and out of instinct, a whimper escaped your throat. You curled further up, rolled onto your side and hid your face under your arms. The newcomers were just there to hurt you, they would just continue where Yundai left off-!

Only slowly, the agitated voices and loud words filtered through the panic, but with every minute the curtain lifted a little bit more, and you made out more and more of your surroundings.

“You can’t do that to her!”

“I can do what I want! It’s not like it will object!”

“She’s not a monster! She doesn’t deserve this, she doesn’t deserve this treatment at all!”

“Naruto, stay calm.”

“I am calm!”

“(Y/N)? Everything will be alright. Do you hear me?”

“This behavior is unacceptable.”

“My behavior, shinobi? My damn behavior is none of your concern! This is my village and my fucking rules! Why are you here anyway, don’t you have-!”

“Hey.” A soft, warm voice, laced with concern and worry. You knew this voice, knew the owner. Sakura. “Everything is okay. We’re here. You’re safe.”

We’re here. You’re safe.

We’re here.

The misfits are here. Kakashi is here.

They saw… They see me. They see me in all my glory. All my demeaning, pitiful, worthless glory.

Gods, I have to run away. Run away and never return.

Exactly what you never wanted to happen, happened. The misfits saw you on your lowest, witnessed how you were pushed into the dirt and heard what you had done all these years ago. Why you lived in the forest. Why you were despised by the village, resented even. Gods, no… Shit. They wouldn’t… They would never look at you the same way.

Gentle hands lifted your head higher, cupped your cheeks and carefully craned your neck upwards. Sakura’s sea-green eyes brimmed with tears as you met them, but she was weakly smiling when you touched her hands with the weakest of all possible touches.

“You’re…” You rasped. “You’re here.”

“Yeah!” The girl nodded, still smiling and crying. “Yeah, we’re all here. See? Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi-sensei and me. We’re all here.”

“You all… are here?”

“Yes! We are all here! We couldn’t let you go in alone here. Gods, I’m so sorry we only interfered that late. We should’ve done something sooner, but Kakashi-sensei had his hands full with Naruto and his balance with Kurama is still unstable-!”

“Sakura.” Sasuke’s voice, closer than the arguing of Naruto, Kakashi and Yundai. “Don’t.”

The girl immediately swiveled around, spitting her fury at the boy. “Don’t “don’t” me, Sasuke! Naruto was right the whole time! We should’ve done something! We should’ve protected her properly from these people, not the other way around!”

Sakura turned away, looked again with her intense, big eyes into yours, still hidden in the shadows of the mask. Then, and your breath hitched when you felt the innocent, hasty touch, she tried to loosen the knot in the back of your neck where the mask was held together.

Panicked, your hand shot towards her shoulder.

“Don’t,” you begged, tears falling and thankfully still hidden by the leather, “Please. Don’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“They will punish me even more if I reveal myself inside the walls of the village.”

“But we’re here now.” Panic filled your stomach, tightened your throat, filled your lungs as you felt how her hands loosened the knot in the back of your head. “We will protect you from now on.”

No. No! I will protect myself, like I’ve done for so long!

Follow the rules. I have to live here, not them. They will soon leave, and the wrath of the villagers will be terrible.

While your consciousness was still debating over the choices laying open in front of you, your subconsciousness acted on sheer instinct. You could only feel the knot falling open, before Sakura was flung backwards, pushed away by an invisible force. Not a harsh push, just a little shove to get her away. Still, even when her face only showed surprise, the guilt was already eating away on your mind as you scrambled to your feet, despite the hurting knees and joints in your entire body.

“No,” you stuttered, “No. This isn’t… This isn’t right. Go.”

You never imagined that Naruto could show any other emotion than boundless happiness. You were wrong. He was seething, still growling at Yundai, hands balled into tight fists that even his knuckles turned bone-white, only hold back by Kakashi. Kakashi, who still tried to calm his student down, whispering something into his ears, all the while he glared outright and head-on at the village head.

At your voice piping up, everything fell silent. Yundai stopped protesting and snarling, Naruto stopped spewing impossibly hopeful things, Kakashi stopped to glare at Yundai, Sakura’s head turned to look at you with disbelief written all across her features and Sasuke stopped being a gloomy, angsty teenager for a second and seemed just as surprised as the rest of them. All eyes were suddenly set on you, all the attention you never wanted was all yours.

Frozen on the spot, your mouth fell open, only to shut close again. Like a fish gasping for water, your mouth fell open and closed, opened and closed. Your fingers clawed into the fabric of your clothing, fingernails digging into your own flesh as you search for words which would never come.

Sakura was the first one to move. Carefully, the girl got to her feet, wobbled for a second and gained her balance again, all the while she still stared at you, with so much concern and soft worry in her eyes that your heart ached with every beat. “(Y/N)…? What’s wrong? Did we,” she gestured over her comrades, “do anything wrong?”

“How much do you know? How much did you hear?”

“(Y/N), take a deep breath.” Kakashi interjected. He sounded like he tried to calm down an agitated animal, backed into a corner and ready to claw and bite its way out. “No one is trying to hurt you.”

“How much did you hear!?”

Finally, Sasuke gave you the answer you feared so much. “Everything.” His hand laid almost in a calm and relaxed manner on the handle of his katana, but you knew there was nothing relaxed about his stance. “We heard and know everything.”

Everything. They heard and knew everything.

The nausea in your stomach was at its boiling point. Without another word, you turned around and ran, ran as fast as your legs could carry you. Ran despite the screams of your name in your back, despite their voice begging you to turn around and face them, despite your own mind shouting and howling at you that you were being incredibly stupid and thickheaded for just running away, again.

Again. Like I always do.

Like my father did. Ran away into death.

Staying away. Like my mother did. Forever in the forest, forever and ever and ever.

But it’s so much easier.

So much easier to run away than facing the mess in your back. Running away meant you could ignore what happened in the village, what happened just now, and go on with your life. Under normal circumstances, that would’ve worked. If Team 7 hadn’t known your hut or the general area of your hut by now, you also could’ve continued this habit.

But. But.

But they knew. Knew you, knew your hut, knew your habits. Knew, knew, knew. Panic, dread and fear. An ugly mixture. Your feet carried you through the village, stumbled over non-existent pebbles, while your view was clouded with burning tears. Villagers jumped out of your way, screams of raw panic echoed through the air, warnings of your presence could be heard in the street. You didn’t even have to wait for the massive gates to open, the guards were already informed by the almighty rumor running through the entire town. The Witch is running amok. Better let her go, or she will kill us one by one.

Knees trembling, hands shaking by your sides, you continued to run. Thankfully, you couldn’t hear anything anymore but the pulse of your own blood in your ears. Nothing else but that.  Nothing but the pulse and your ragged breathing, thundering in the prison of your mask.

They know. Why? Why do they have to know?

It would be better if they wouldn’t.

Naruto won’t smile at me any longer. Sakura won’t question me about my garden any longer. Sasuke won’t fall for my teasing any longer. And Kakashi…

Kakashi. No talks. No jokes. No smiles. No banter. None of these things, none any longer.

A new sob crawled into your throat as you stumbled into the underwood. Twigs snapped beneath your feet, branches hit your shoulders and you continued to run, further and further into the forest. Only when you reached the small meadow with where you spent the night before, free and unbothered beneath the stars, you stopped. Limbs shaking, your heart racing with the might of a storm, and tears welling in your eyes. A total emotional mess. The flaps of your mask were open, the wind sneaked beneath the leather and dried some of the sweat collected in the back of your neck. Still shaking like a leaf in the wind, you reached up. Fingers dug into the hard leather, pulled roughly downwards. Too strong. Way, way too strong. Under your fingers, the mask tore like wet paper. Maybe your gift helped, maybe it was the mere strength of your body. No matter what it was, the result were small holes of the size of your fingernails in the back of the mask and you could only stand and stare helplessly at the new catastrophe in your life.

The usual relief of having escaped the clutches of the village was missing. There was no deep breath in, no low exhale to celebrate that you made it through another visit, another errand run without getting skinned and too heavily punished. Just the little, shaky inhale and you collapsed. A puppet with its strings cut, knees giving in and the last bits of composure falling away, leaving you with nothing but your panic and tears.

No more smiles. No more jokes. The normal life had been sweet for the short time it lasted, but rejection would surely come. Team 7 wasn’t that different from the villagers. They would also be disgusted of making friends with a murderer.

Grass tickled your sweat-lathered neck and face. Your hair was also matted with sweat, smelling and stinking of fear and panic as you laid in the grass, spread out and just letting go of everything. Your thoughts flew off, up into the bright, blue sky, which had no reason to be as inviting as it was today, with all this hate and anger flying around. But the sky never had cared about the earth, so why should it start now?

For the first time in your entire existence, people had showed genuine friendliness towards you. There had been no animosity, no hate, no heedless fear. For the first time, you could be you in the presence of others, not the monster everyone else saw in you. But thanks to Team 7 following and spying (what shinobi were paid to do), they got behind your terrible past.

Every life is precious. No one should die before their time has come.

Sure. But what’s with my life? What am I supposed to do with it, when it’s just so damn miserable?

When is my life worth something?

No idea. No answer.

Why were the misfits in the village to begin with? Did they really follow you? Did they really have the absolute nerve to spy on you and you didn’t notice because you had been so drowned in the misery of having to go and stand tall under the onslaught of insults and stones they loved to throw at you?

How much did they hear? Everything, Sasuke said. Absolutely everything, from the bitter start to the fucking end. Waiting in front of the gates like a lost dog, being chased by the mob, being denied food, talked down to by Yundai. All the insults, all the hate, all the stuff which was normal. Normal for you, just another day in the park. What was it for them?

They saw me. Saw me in this mask, saw me kneeling. Saw me at my lowest point and pity me. They pity me, see me as this reject out of the woods who has no family nor friends.

That one should be a given. I’m a hermit, so who is there to be my friend?

A freaking tree? The flowers?

Mother would see them as friends.

I’m not Mother.

What were you feeling? There were certainly words for what was going on inside your mind as you curled further up in the grass, the backpack still tied to your back pressing into your bones. Unfortunately, you had no words left  in the slightest to describe what was going on in your heart when the first tears sunk rolled over your face into the green, dry grass.

I hate the village. Hate, hate, hate them.

Why did they have to follow me? Couldn’t they just stay put and do their damn mission?

The mission. What is their mission that they have the time to follow me around?

They hate me now. I’m a murderer, killer of a child, absolute lowest of the low. Everybody hates me for what I’ve done, why should they be different?

Why did they have to be there? Why did they have to follow me? Why did they have to spy on ME?

I thought they trusted me that much. At least that far. Not completely, of course not. But the tiniest bit.

The only good thing I had, destroyed by their curiosity.

No, destroyed by me and my crimes.

My actions will never let go. I will never be free, no matter how deep I hide in the woods.

A scream had lived in your chest. All throughout the day, from the moment you stepped through the gates of the village until now, the screams grew. Festered and swelled, born out of the absolute hopeless resignation to what you had to call your life. This scream finally tore itself free. A howl full of bottomless despair of your fate, of being alone and tossed into the darkness once more, of being discarded and hated by the only people you came to like, who stole tiny bits of your heart and made them their own. It was more the scream of a wounded animal which had hid itself in a lonely corner and waited for death to come.

Wind picked up as your voice carried through the trees. Leaves rustled, louder and louder, until a true storm made the forest groan and moan, with you as the epicenter. The grass flattened around you as you hid your ugly crying face in your hands, sobbed and cried as this was the only release for the confusing, swirling emotions you had left.

Your backpack was torn off. The flap opened, spilled all of the contents around and over the grass. In the back of your mind, you were aware of this, but didn’t care. Nothing was worth anything. Not even the sound of tearing paper and the faint smell of smoke was worth a spare glance. Only later, much, much later, when you spent all of your tears and stared up into the sky, you had the inkling of an idea. And true, when you turned your head, eyes swollen and throat too dry to speak, there was the scroll, completely open, the edges singed and seal broken into pieces by the raw strength of your gift. Colorful books were sprawled all around the small meadow and the books were also the only reason to pick yourself up, roll around and grab one of the worn-out copies.

Reading was an escape. And right here, right now, still with faint traces of tears in the corners of your eyes and your nose running, you needed an escape more than anything else, even if it was by the books of Kakashi.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“We need to tell her.”

“We absolutely shouldn’t.”

“It’s bad if we leave her in the dark. Time to come clean, otherwise, she won’t trust us ever again, believe it!”

Their bickering lasted already for several hours at this point. No matter how much time passed or how many arms they would lose, Naruto and Sasuke still were like fire and water when it came to basic moral questions and actions. Nothing Kakashi had heard for the first time and surely, he would have the pleasure to listen to their arguing countless times in the future. The only thing he could do when the two boys were in this particular mode was to keep his mouth shut and roll his eyes at the only sane person left in their team.

Sakura made sure to always roll her eyes back at him. A simple sign that Kakashi wasn’t alone in his suffering, but it always made the next three or two minutes of Naruto’s and Sasuke’s bickering so much easier to bear.

To be completely honest, he had no idea what his next course of action should be. As the team captain and especially as the next Hokage, Kakashi was supposed to know what to do next, where to go and what to say. But after what he had seen at the village…

A shudder of sheer, raw disgust shook his insides. Never before the shinobi had been this appalled at some despicable human behavior, and he made it through the terrors of two shinobi world wars and watched how the inhabitants of Konoha demonized the young jinchuuriki who would become the savior of the world. All of that only came close to the humiliation (Y/N) was put through.

Kakashi prided himself for being a calm and collected man. The times he actually became enraged enough to actually have the wish to kill someone else he could count on one hand. Seeing the Witch being treated worse than prisoners in the Blood Prison made him almost wish he had it in him to become a missing nin. Killing those entitled villagers had sounded terribly tempting, the urge only growing with every vile action they committed in the safety of their mob and reassured by the others around them.

Only when a tinge of pain erupted from his hands, Kakashi noticed he dug his fingernails into his palms. Slowly, he loosened his fingers, one by one, all the while his mind returned to the pressing matter at hand.

What now?

They had left the village as soon as (Y/N) ran away. There had been no reason to stay any longer and someone had to keep tabs on Naruto, who wanted nothing more than to storm after his new friend and comfort her. He wasn’t the only one, though. Just like Kakashi, the younger members of Team 7 were tense and murdered every single perturbator with their mere glances. Sasuke held onto his katana like it was the only thing keeping him sane throughout the hours, especially when the smith made up a crime to drag (Y/N) to the village head. Maybe, that hit a little bit too close to home for the lone survivor of a terrible massacre, which was made up solely to protect him. And Sakura had nearly gnawed her nails off while she watched with big, worried eyes, looking like she was always so close to break into tears Kakashi worried he needed to get some handkerchiefs out.

Naruto… Well, was Naruto. The jonin wasn’t even sure if the kid had anymore teeth left from grinding them so harshly, but seeing the blond argue so loudly with Sasuke again made all worries about his health disappear.

Not that I’m the one to talk. My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth so much.

So many insults spooked through his head, all aimed at the villagers. It was strange to feel like this, to be so passionate about someone, especially someone he didn’t know that much or that long. His heart had raced in his chest, his fingers shook like leaves in the wind, and Kakashi followed Naruto as soon as he dropped out of the trees and went for the village head.

If this would be an Icha-Icha-novel, their meeting would probably be described as a “fated” or “destined”. But no matter how much he liked to read about the different romantic difficulties the partners had to overcome, believing into such a romance happening to him was more than a little bit far-fetched. No, his feelings were absolutely unimportant and surely would vanish as soon as he didn’t spend as much time with the Witch. Or kept thinking about her. Or watched her from the corners of his vision. These… these strange, too strong emotions would fade over time, Kakashi was sure, together with this dumb protective streak.

Hopefully.

Soft, softer, the copy ninja of Konohagakure. While following the path out of the hellhole of a village, Naruto and Sasuke still arguing over the upcoming, dreaded and definitely difficult decision, Kakashi exchanged another annoyed look with Sakura. The girl seemed still a bit shook about what she had seen, gnawed at her lower lip, but nodded when seeing how tortured his own nerves were.

With a wide step, she inserted herself between the two boys, one arm looped around Naruto’s, the other tugged at Sasuke’s empty sleeve. “Come on,” her tone was serious, “this isn’t a competition between the two of you any longer. This is about what’s best for (Y/N). A friend of ours. And I have to say, lying to her never felt that good. She deserves to know what’s up, especially after today. And we also need to come to a conclusion what we will do about our mission. Because as much as I can tell,” sea-green eyes glanced at each of her of her teammates, deadly serious and ready to defend her point if one of them dared to object, “no one of us is willing to actually fulfill the objective.”

The silence was nearly thick enough to cut with a kunai. Yes, none of Team 7 would lay a single hand on (Y/N). No matter what their mission was.

Especially in these moments, Kakashi couldn’t be prouder of his misfits. Despite the harshness of their differing lives and the hardships, they didn’t allow the shinobi system and the brutality to swallow their humanity. There was hope for the coming generations of shinobi, and maybe, maybe one day, they could completely abolish this system. Kakashi probably would never see this day, but could entertain the beautiful image of the future which was about to come when he wasn’t anymore. At least, he helped to plant this little sapling of hope. In a sense, maybe.

Maybe. Maybe, I could… With (Y/N)…?

No. A little infatuation, nothing else. It would vanish, he reminded himself, before forcefully pulling his head out of the impossible dreams. There was a more pressing matter at hand.

“Just you know,” with the hands in his pockets, Kakashi continued to follow his team, who looked up from their heated discussion as he spoke up, “as the team captain, my personal opinion would be, in this case, a middle way. I agree with Naruto so far. We shouldn’t pretend anymore in front of (Y/N). But, just like Sasuke, I would believe that the full truth would destroy her trust in us and make the situation potentially dangerous for all involved parties. And,” Kakashi nodded at Sakura, “I also agree that we have to keep in mind the wellbeing of (Y/N). Living here under the influence of the village surely isn’t for the best.”

“No.” Sasuke’s mouth curled into a disgusted snarl. “No one should live anywhere near them.”

“The first good thing you said all day, teme.” Naruto crossed his arms behind his head. “Oh man, I would like to bring her to Konoha! Show her Ichiraku, the Hokage mountain, my room and stuff. Show her that she doesn’t have to be all alone all the time. That she has friends and another place to be.”

“I would love to introduce her to the gardeners.” Sakura sighed. “Her herbs and skills are extraordinary. They could learn so much from her, especially when it comes to make cheap, accessible potions and balms to help the poorer districts and parts of the Fire Country. Not to talk about her ability to raise so many different herbs with different needs in one place!”

Bring the Witch of the Woods to Konoha.

Kakashi immediately knew what he wanted to show her if she ever would come to his hometown. The library. The book stores around town. A calm café where nobody would disturb anyone who brought a book with them. The calm nature around the memorial stones of Konoha. The forest around the village, the overgrown and abandoned Hatake compound, his pack of dogs who surely would like her, his quiet flat with the comfy seats…

Quit the bullshit. Focus on the present and not some silly dreams.

The jonin waited for the younger shinobi to come to a decision. He had given his input on the discussion and showed them what could be done and should be considered. No matter what, he would accept the result. They were old enough to be able to make decisions and live with the consequences. Soon enough, in their positions as team captains and leaders, they had to do that anyway. Better give them a little bit of trial-and-error beforehand to let them figure out the best way to handle difficult and life-changing decisions.

“Alright!”

Faster than expected.

Naruto turned, walked backwards, all the while grinning his typical beaming grin. “Kakashi-sensei, what would you say if we pick up your approach and also try to convince her to come with us?”

“Are you sure?” he asked before he could stop himself.

The blond boy’s grin didn’t waver one bit. “Yeah, believe it!”

The other two were also nodding along, Sakura with a despaired-hopeful glint in her eyes and Sasuke even slightly enthusiastic, like he would do a lot of things to get (Y/N) away from her tormenters. Kakashi’s stomach though felt like it plummeted straight through the floor, while his heart seemed to leap into the totally different direction, jumping right into his throat and beat skyrocketing. But he didn’t show his anxiety, didn’t show his nervousness, just lowered his head in an understanding gesture and listened to his team cheer, all the while the “silly dreams” formed again in his head, fleshed and colored themselves in the most exciting shades.

Help me, gods. I think I’m falling and I don’t know if I like it.

Chapter Text

Usually, the way back to your hut took you a day, a day and a half if a storm or some other obstruction obstructed your way. Usually, you wanted to return to your hut, wanted to desperately bury yourself in your solitude and forget everything that happened in the village, but this time, that wasn’t possible. No, not when Team 7 waited painfully obvious for you, the only place where they were sure you would return to. It was your only home after all, the only place you ever cared about, built it even with your own two hands. Your blood, your sweat was in these walls and of course, you couldn’t leave it for too long. Even if you wanted nothing else but to stay away.

Maybe, you thought to yourself as your feet dragged through the underwood, maybe, that was also a little bit the reason you stayed in the proximity of the village. No matter what, it was your home. This forest was your home. And no matter how little they cared about you; you couldn’t just leave this forest behind. And going off into the wide world…

A cold shudder rained down your back. No. The world was just as bad as the village. They would never accept you. So, only the loneliness of the woods for an abomination. Your thoughts turned all too quickly bitter while you slowly made your way through the greenery, straying from the known path far too easily. Foremost, the damn presence of Team 7 in the village.

Why were they there in the first place?

Why did they have to interfere?

Why did they have to interfere so late? Why didn’t they jump in when the mob gathered for me? When Noburu blamed me for something he made up? When they dragged and pulled me around, called me names, hurt me with words and threw salt into my old, searing wounds? Where were they when I needed them?

I needed them. I needed them to be there for me, even if I don’t like it. I needed them to protect me from the villagers.

They are such goody-two-shoes, but don’t even do that? They don’t even help me when I obviously needed it?

Maybe they don’t really like me. They could just fake it. To use me.

At that particular thought, you stopped dead in your tracks. Why? Really? Were they using you? For what, which purpose? Their mysterious mission came to mind, Kakashi’s cryptid words about “their last mission together”, the little glances the misfits shared from time to time when they thought you weren’t looking, their overall mood whenever you were around. Like something was in the air, creeping, sneaking, like invisible mist or fog only they were able to see clearly, but you could feel it. Feel it, taste it, it's there in the air.

Their mission, whatever it would be in the end, had something to do with you. A single clear thought in the midst of confusion. You were in the middle of all of this, nothing more and nothing less. Then, the mist hid the little moment of clearness again and you continued to walk your unsteady path, deeper and deeper into the woods, vaguely into the direction of your home, but not really getting closer to it. When the sun cracked for the first time through the night, rose again on the horizon and painted the sky into a bright orange you automatically would always connect to Naruto, you didn’t even make a quarter of the distance back. You dragged your feet, stopped here and there, stared at trees and stones, watched the wildlife with dull, tired eyes. All in all, you drew out the way as much as inhumanly possible, with detours to collect some herbs at the second, third and fourth day, a stop at a clear spring where you washed yourself for the first time since you dropped the mask after the disastrous exit, only because you noticed that no animal wanted to come close to you any longer, with several long breaks spent in the shadows of the trees and stretched out in soft, untouched moss, reading one by one through the newly acquired books.

The only salvation you could find in this mess.

There was something about these books, about its characters and about its plot, about the colorful cover and the worn-out pages, that made you almost smile on instinct when you opened them. For a little while, you could forget that whatever happened in the village, well, happened. The epic love story of Junko, a pretty and strong-willed woman who was not afraid to speak her mind and also apparently was able to charm any man and woman who was unlucky (or lucky?) enough to exchange a word with her, managed to put a little smile on your face. It was an easy to foresee plot, the supporting characters were blindingly colorful and almost exaggerated in their behavior and characteristics and some situations were truly ridiculous, but all in all, the Icha-Icha-series wasn’t too bad.

Not bad at all.

Reading was the other reason why you dragged your feet so much. You needed the time to get used to the small letters again, the slow speed of your eyes flitting over the neatly printed lines and in the forest, there was only so much light during the day. It had been some time and some of the letters seemed to have changed significantly. No miracle, the only books you owned were old, discarded second-hand books you somehow could obtain by doing some embarrassing tasks for the only book store in the village.

It was always worth it. Thanks to that, I got to know of the different circles of harvesting, how to properly smooth wood and how to improve my available resources of food and water. That system for running water in the hut may be unstable, but at least it’s there and working.

Most of the time.

Still, the Icha-Icha-books were different than any other book you had read so far. Especially when it came to some very… interesting scenes. When you read the very first one (not very hard to find, literally in the second chapter), you did a double-take just to make sure you just read right. And again, just to make completely sure.

In theory you had known some of the stuff happening on the pages. In theory. The books you studied were really scientific in their graphic descriptions, but this… These descriptions were not like anything you were used to. Intense, colorful pictures of two people entangled into each other, not an inch of space between them, proclaiming their love and lust in heated whispers to each other. Kissing, biting, licking.

Heat rose to your face as your eyes paced through the lines and letters, but you couldn’t look away. Wouldn’t look away, wouldn’t stop reading. Glued to the page, you felt maybe just as breathless as the characters as they did things you never even thought of with each other.

And always out of love.

Another thing which made you nearly swallow the books were the little handwritten notes the previous owner left at the edges. Kakashi went through the trouble to write his thoughts down, in a messy drawl you sometimes couldn’t decipher for the life of yours, but would try anyway. It was a free look into the head of the shinobi, after all, and it helped to forget what awaited you at your hut.

With his mask on and the nonchalant shinobi behavior on his side, the man seemed like he wasn’t fazed or swayed by anything. Always aware of his surroundings, always on edge, always watching. Well, the notes in his books painted Kakashi as a totally different man. He swooned over romantic situations, marked them with fat exclamation marks and arrows. He would make comments like “why didn’t you kiss him here??? Oh gods please lend me your strength” or “if his twin brother kidnaps her again I swear…”. He had a counter for a specific phrase the author used to describe the color of Junko’s face when she was embarrassed (in the first book, all in all her cheeks “flushed with the color of blood and wine” 34 times). He drew little emoticons, blushing and squealing when something especially heartwarming happened, underlined passages he seemed to like, with one, two, three lines if necessary.

Deep down, even though he didn’t look like it, Kakashi was a big fan of romances.

Of dirty romances, but romances nonetheless. At least he mostly left the sex scenes alone, only an occasional exclamation mark, circled and the lines deeply engraved into the pages, or an embarrassed, blushing emoticon marred the lily-white of the book.

But what could you do with that information? Was it worth anything? Surely not useful enough to make them all shut up about the village or make them leave before they could even bring that entire mess up.

Unfortunately, you had not much time to think a lot about Kakashi’s fawning and how you could use that information, nor did you have time to sort out your feelings properly. At the dawn of the fifth day, you couldn’t stretch the journey anymore. It simply wasn’t possible, despite the many, many breaks to read, to drink and idly collect some berries and wild vegetables on the way.

What would you do when you faced Team 7? You had no idea, your confusion still swirling through your head and made making a decision impossible, while peeking through the bushes and twigs hiding your clearing. Your stomach left you somewhere along the way, at least it felt like there was nothing where your guts once were. A sinking, terrible feeling of nothingness; nauseous darkness.

Quickly, you checked the surroundings for their distinctive energies. Nothing.

That can’t be. I was pretty sure they would…

Their tents were still there. Hell, the fire was burning, smoke curling lazily in the air and rising into the sun. So, they couldn’t be too far off. And sure, shinobi could hide their chakra, but their energy, their aura couldn’t be hidden from your radar. Carefully, always looking around, you brushed the last twigs aside and stepped into the sunlight of the clearing. Soft grass tickled your toes and for the first time in this horrible week, you felt yourself becoming the tiniest bit calmer at the sight of your home, at the promise of a cup of tea, fresh clothes and a little nap in your own bed.

The illusion was nice while it lasted. At least, you made it nearly to your door before the bright fires of energy showed up on your radar, sprinting towards you like wolves running at their unsuspecting prey. A hiss escaped your mouth. Not even five seconds of peace! Fucking shinobi!

You managed exactly one more step, one step closer to the safety promised by your hut, before leaves bristled, twigs snapped close by and four shadows broke free from the greenery, only to land in front of you, conveniently blocking every way out.

They knew you too well. Already, you felt the absolute need to run away, run away and never look back, just because the upcoming confrontation made shivers run down your back. You didn’t want this. Didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to listen, just wanted to run, run, run-!

Without noticing, the bag filled to the brim with books dropped from your shoulders. You didn’t even flinch, just stared straight ahead, right through the free space between Sakura and Naruto, like you didn’t see or notice them at all.

“(Y/N).” Kakashi’s voice seemed to vibrate in the air, calm and collected, but wasn’t there a little hint of unneeded, unbearable sympathy swinging with your name? “I think we need to talk about something.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You hissed, still staring straight ahead. Looking at Kakashi, moving your very eyes would be too much right now. “Just leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Let me go into my hut, then.”

“So you can hole yourself up in there?” Sasuke snorted lowly. “Not happening.”

“You’re aware of what I did, what my true nature is. And you still dare to think you can keep me here?”

Naruto’s blue eyes were fixated on you, so nice and caring and incredibly, annoyingly friendly that you wanted to scream, shout, punch him. “You’re not a monster. You’re not evil. I know that.”

Something snapped inside of you. The last string of logical thought, the last bits of reason and barely restrained calmness. “How could you know that?! How could you know that, huh!? You’re lying into my face! Liars, like everyone lies into my fucking face! I killed a fucking child! I killed someone, so what do you still want from me!? Go, just go like all the other people! Hate me, goddammit, fucking hate me and leave me finally fucking alone!” you spat, panting and the confusion of the last days changing into uncontrollable, blind rage.

Sasuke, standing to Sakura’s left, shrugged. “Is that everything?”

That question stole the wind right out of your sails. You blinked, dumbfounded, but the shinobi already went off the rails, for his usual silent, broody attitude at least. “You’re standing in front of four shinobi who kill for a living. We don’t give a single fuck if you killed a child when you were yourself a child, which definitely sounded like some kind of aggravated defense. Point is, the children knew what powers you had, still went after you. Sooner or later, your control was destined to snap. I’m actually surprised you didn’t kill all of them.”

“What…?”

“Yeah.” Sakura smiled, actually smiled. “It was an accident. A terrible, horrible accident. It wasn’t your fault. None of this,” she gestured warily into the direction of the village, at what you grimaced, “is your fault. They are just incredibly thick-headed, stupid, superstitious-!”

“They are wrong,” Naruto interjected, and for the first time, you saw him actually being serious and without a wide grin on his face, “they are wrong in thinking you’re a monster. They are wrong in thinking you’re evil. You asked how I could know that. I know because I can feel if a person is evil or not, thanks to Kurama.” His hand clawed into his orange-black jersey, right over his stomach. “He can tell if someone is evil or not, and he said you’re not evil. Not at all.”

This… this demon? Could tell if someone was evil? And he said you weren’t?

“He said I’m a freak,” you mumbled, “he said I’m an even bigger freak than you.”

There it was, Naruto’s grin. Just a little tug, lopsided and small, but it was present again, and strangely enough, you also felt better seeing this little motion. “And that is a feat, (Y/N). Until now, I only met eight other people who were just like me, but never someone who was even freakier than us, believe it!”

You bit your lower lip, while you tried not to break into tears. Something was seriously wrong here. These… these children, these people, they excused your terrible actions. Said you weren’t at fault, said that it was understandable, understood you for killing… accidentally killing Kenta.

The fact that you indeed harbored such a strong hate for Yundai and missed the… missed the chance to kill him instead, well, you wouldn’t reveal that to the misfits.

“You’re joking, right?” you asked. “You’re just pulling a prank on me. It can’t be that you… That you all…”

“Maybe,” Kakashi interjected, very soft and very, very careful, for what you were extremely grateful, because it felt like you could shatter like glass at any second, “maybe it would be good to sit down for a moment. Maybe in our modest camp? Sakura, would you be so kind to prepare some tea?”

“Sure, Kakashi-sensei!”

Before you could protest in the slightest (you didn’t even have the will in you to protest anymore, it was just the principle), Sakura ran towards their small camp, where the fire was still flickering and burning. Like the installation in your own hut, they placed a hanger with a connected pot over the flames, which Sakura grabbed and took with her as she jumped again up into the trees. Without a doubt, to get fresh water. All the while, Naruto actually reached out and took one of your limp hands and tugged you gently towards their tents.

His hand was warm as the boy dragged you with him. Confused, you glanced at the boy, only to turn your head and stare at Sasuke, who again shrugged, before blowing with a practiced motion the black strands of his back into place. You glanced at Kakashi’s back, who walked in front of your little procession, as usual slouched and hands buried in the pockets of his pants, but like seemingly feeling your gaze, the man looked over his shoulder. Your eyes met, and a massive wave of something, something warm and cold, something absolutely embarrassing curled around in your stomach, nestled there like a rabbit for winter. The books sprung into your mind, the comments and undeniably cute drawings he scribbled all over the empty space in his books.

He cared, deeply. Cared for the book, its characters, the plot, and for his students. Did he also care for you, at least a little bit? It seemed like it, but you could never be too sure.

You allowed Naruto to gently settle you down close to the fire, right in the soft, still slightly wet grass. “We have also some new food. Are you hungry?”

“Not… not now.” Alone the thought of food brought back the reminder that you had to somehow survive on berries, roots and other edibles the forest would grant you for the next month.

“Sure?” the blond boy asked, only to nod when you declined again. “Alright. Tea it is, then.” He scrambled off, probably on the hunt for tea leaves, while leaving you alone with Kakashi and Sasuke, both on opposite ends of their camp, one sitting down and scratching his masked cheek, the other leaning against a nearby tree with a stoic expression on his face.

You kneaded the rims of your dirty and ripped shirt. No one said anything, the tension high and only rising with every passing second. Until Sasuke sighed lowly, let himself drop to the ground, his katana by his side and legs crossed at the ankles. “What do you want to know?”

Directly to the point. You weren’t complaining, but deciding on a single question to ask the shinobi was hard.

“Why did you come to the village?” you finally asked. “I asked specifically not to follow me.”

“We didn’t follow you, technically,” Kakashi added after a second, “We knew you were going to the village and would need the full day to get there. So, Naruto made the executive decision to also go to the village the day after you walked off. We arrived maybe briefly after you left the general store.”

They only witnessed all the worst moments. Great.

“And how do you know so much about me already? Did that all come from the things Yundai said to me?”

You looked up from your entangled hands just in time to see how Kakashi and Sasuke exchanged a quick glance. “What?” You perked up. “What is going on?”

The older man scooted closer, close enough to be able to touch you (to hold you back, if necessary) but still with enough space to not feel caged by him. Again, like Kakashi had experience with wild animals. “In that regard… We have to tell you something. Something about our mission.”

Of course. It’s not really hard to guess from here onward.

“I’m the mission, right?” you whispered. Quickly, you looked back at Sasuke, who nodded just once, before turning your head back to Kakashi. “The village. They want me permanently gone.”

And again, Kakashi nodded. Just a single, determined nod and your view on the group of shinobi you learned to hesitantly like crumbled away. “Yeah. The village tasked Konohagakure to find a group of shinobi who would be willing to capture the Witch of the Woods.”

“And what you were supposed to do with me if you did capture me?”

“That wasn’t specified.” Sasuke shuffled around. “They probably hoped that we would find the same beast they described and shove you in the Blood Prison or a similar institution.”

Blood Prison. You had no idea what that prison was, but the mere disgust in Sasuke’s voice told you enough to absolutely not want to go there.

That the villagers were willing to go that far… There was nothing indicating their festering and growing hatred for you, nothing to be so agitated about that the sudden need for you to be hunted down like a wild, dangerous animal. By damn shinobi, out of all things. Not even much cheaper mercenaries, but shinobi. That must’ve costed Yundai a hefty penny.

A single emotion slowly crystalized itself out of the entire pile of messy complications and feelings. Relief. Finally, you knew what was going on here. Finally, you were allowed to see clearly. Your anger didn’t vanish into thin air, but faded a bit into the background at the revelations coming through.

Just when you wanted to ask the next question, Sakura emerged from the trees, in her hands the pot heavy with water, while Naruto finally scrambled out of a tent, shaking two different boxes of tea leaves.

“Green or black tea?” he asked, eyes squinting as he read through the descriptions printed on the sides of the boxes.

You shrugged and just watched how the boy selected one of the boxes, how Sakura carefully hung the pot above the fire and settled herself down close to Sasuke, without seeming to make it too obvious that she chose the place because the raven was there.

“Okay,” you wiped a single, dirty strand behind your ear, “so, your secret mission is to capture me. You haven’t done so, so I take it that something has changed? New orders, or something?”

Naruto also plopped onto the ground. “Well… It’s you we’re talking about, believe it.”

Now, you were utterly confused. “What do you mean?”

He started to rock back and forth, a happy child, despite the darkness in the world still able to grin like the sun. “We didn’t think to encounter a human, to be honest. But then we met you and we had first to confirm that you were really the Witch of the Woods, you know?”

“In the description, they always talked about a monster.” Sakura scowled at her own words. “Never gave a good image of what we would encounter. Imagine our surprise when we found a hut and a woman who didn’t even attack us, but just defended her right to be left alone.”

“That’s why you wouldn’t leave,” all the signs had been there, all the damn signs, “that’s why you kept annoying me.”

Sakura’s index finger rose into the air. “Not really “annoying” you. I like to think that we just had to make sure you open up to our presence.”

“Isn’t that the same?”

“Not necessarily.”

Not necessarily, she says.

Again, you nodded slowly, only to shake your head. “But what I don’t understand, still not understand is why do you accept it just like that. I killed a child, I killed someone else-!”

And once more, Sasuke interrupted, this time with an annoyed snort. “I already told you, this is nothing. I went rogue and killed too many people to count, and did this thick headed idiot,” he pointed at Naruto, “leave me alone? No. He didn’t and chased after me, even though I tried to kill him multiple times. Just give up, because he won’t give up as long as he hasn’t converted you.”

“Hey! That sounds like I’m so creepy sect leader, believe it!”

“Come on, it’s a little bit like a sect.” Sakura laughed at Naruto’s horrified expression. “I mean, everyone you magically change with your therapy-no-jutsu would follow you to the ends of the earth and back.”

“That’s not true, believe it!”

“It is, kind of.”

“Not you too, Kakashi-sensei!”

While Team 7 bickered among themselves, you could only stare with wide eyes at them. Was it…? Could it really be true, that they didn’t care? True, they were indeed shinobi. When you really thought about it, of course they had killed people in battle or in cold blood. The thing was, you couldn’t align the very understanding of “murdering someone” with a person like Naruto or Sakura. And hadn’t done so until now for Sasuke and Kakashi, but when you really thought about it, really, really thought about them in the sense of soldiers and killers… Yes, you could imagine them as killers.

“But still,” you threw the sentence at them, somehow desperate and eager to prove you weren’t worthy of their trust, “I killed a child! It was a child, I should’ve kept my cool no matter what they did-!”

These people really seemed to like to talk over you. Again, you were interrupted.

“Hey guys,” Kakashi waved at his students, “can you maybe go into the forest? We’re a bit low on firewood.”

“Eeeeh? That’s not true, Kakashi-sensei! Here, we still have-! Argh!”

Sakura took matters into her own hands, quite literally. Without another order needed, she stood up and grabbed Naruto by the neckline of his jacket, dragging him behind her and waving over her shoulder like this was just another day in the park for her. Sasuke sighed, scrambled to his feet after a few painful moments of seeing him struggle to find his balance, before following Sakura and Naruto without another word.

Only seconds after Kakashi uttered his polite and not-entirely-true request, you were alone with the mysterious, masked enigma. He wanted something and he needed for that the privacy of solitude. So, you waited for him to speak up.

Except, he didn’t. Calmly, Kakashi edged closer to the hanger and the by now steaming pot, picked the pot up and didn’t even hiss at the surely hot metal as he carefully placed it beside him into the grass.

He didn’t even turn to you when speaking up, busying himself with the tea leaves more than anything. “Maybe you can get your cup from the hut? I only have a small one. My apologies.”

“Sure.” It took you a second more than usual to reach for your gift, slowed still by the inner turmoil of the last days. But eventually, the door of your hut swung open and the brightly colored cup flew out. Sunlight was reflected briefly by the shiny surface before it safely landed in your two outstretched hands.

Without asking first, Kakashi reached for your cup, only paused for a second to search for your eyes and seek permission. You gave it with a single nod and watched how the man picked the cup out of your hands without an ounce of fear and started to fill it with water and tea leaves. In complete silence, you two sat there with the cups in your hands and waited for the tea to cool down or, in your case, waited for Kakashi to speak up.

But he didn’t say anything. Just cupped his own porcelain and held the cup high to his mouth without the rim actually touching his masked lips.

His eyes flickered over, the scar over his one eye crinkling weakly. “See something you like?”

You scoffed. “Stop this nonsense. What do you want to tell me that the misfits aren’t supposed to hear?”

“Why do you think that?”

“Oh, fuck off, shinobi!” A sip from your too hot tea which burned your tongue. “You think you’re so sneaky and secretive, when you’re not even trying to hide your maneuvers! “Firewood”, my ass.”

“No reason to be this vulgar.”

“I don’t know about you, Kakashi,” another sip and this time, the tea wasn’t burning as strong anymore, “but I have had enough of the lies, the games, the little stuff you ninja tend to hide. I’ve had simply enough. Spit out whatever crosses your mind or I will take my tea and leave you here.”

That, at least, got a reaction out of him. With a little, weary sigh, the man lowered his tea again. “Excuse me. Being a shinobi for so long shifts priorities.”

“To what?”

“Probably that the intended goal excuses the means with which it’s achieved.”

“That’s a dangerous position to have.”

To your surprise, Kakashi started to chuckle. “Yes, I realized. I’m working on that. Anyway, the reason why I wanted to talk to you alone is the blame you put on yourself.”

“What can you tell me about blame? Isn’t it all excused by the goal?”

“I killed my friends. My teammates. I had my hand buried,” a mere twitch of his right hand, “in her chest, through her chest, actually. The other one pushed me out of the way of a boulder and I believed him dead, but as it turned out, he was just captured by an insane immortal Madara Uchiha and was brainwashed into taking over the world and putting everyone into a gen-jutsu. If that isn’t worthy of putting blame on myself,” again, Kakashi chuckled, a sad, low chuckle which told about his misery more than his past, told in a lighthearted tone, “then, I don’t know what is.”

No wonder he didn’t want the misfits here for this confession. You could feel yourself going pale with every word of the confession Kakashi made. It didn’t seem to faze him much, like everything seemed to just pearl off him like water off a duck’s feather coat, but this admission you just witnessed… That had been for a long time on his soul. Weighed him down, made it hard to breathe, festered in his mind. And even though you didn’t know Kakashi for long, you already knew he wasn’t much of a talker. He wouldn’t just reveal his mistakes, his shame to anyone who was willing to listen without a solid reason. In fact, talking about his past seemed so against his usual behavior that you considered him being seriously ill, maybe a heat stroke or a fever, but he didn’t seem ill.

Just calm. Resting within himself and at peace with the blame he had loaded upon his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” you mumbled, “that must’ve been hard for you.”

“A little bit.”

“But what point exactly do you want to hammer home here?”

Kakashi shrugged and continued to pretend to drink his tea. “Maybe that – again – you’re not the only one guilty of killing a child while being a child yourself. Maybe that being guilty still doesn’t mean that you’re beyond redemption. Maybe that, no matter how much blame we put on our own shoulders, no matter how guilty we seem to be in our own eyes, that other people still have their own view on us. That we just have to accept what we did and try to better ourselves.”

Bettering yourself. You snorted. “And what if I’m not ready for that? What if I’m not good enough-?”

“I was good enough.” And there it was. A bare hint of tiredness, of age, of exhaustion in Kakashi’s black, deep eyes. For a few more seconds, he held your look, only to turn back to the flickering flames and stare into them like the answers to all questions would show in the wisps of smoke. “I was good enough,” he repeated, “It took only a few years. Decades, but I’m now here, aren’t I?”

In a sense, you two were made of the same kind. Here you were, a lonely and angry witch, living all alone in the woods for a crime you were only halfway aware of, a half-blood, neither belonging to one side or the other. And there was him, Kakashi. A shinobi, a soldier, doing what had to be done in the line of duty, killing his friend probably to protect his village, like a good shinobi was supposed to do. But he killed his friends. Something surely weighed on him. That he shared his dark past with you, tried to calm you down and maybe even tell you something, even though his message was a bit buried underneath the tragedy of it all, meant a lot. You were a stranger.

A secret past for a secret past, isn’t it?

“I wanted…” Anxiety blocked your tongue as you tried to form the words you never had said before out loud. Ice seemed to flow through your veins as you tried to remember what you wanted to say, hell, a general direction would’ve been great. Only when Kakashi cocked his head to the side and the sun started to glisten in his unruly hair, you found your voice again and also the words which had been glued to the back of your throat. “It… it wasn’t an accident. Not a true one, anyway. He was… Kenta was too close to Yundai, he stood right by his side and when they started to threaten me, I simply… Lashed out.”

Your knuckles were almost of a blinding white, hands wringing together and shoulders drawn upwards. Every single leaf and dirt crumb which sneaked its way under your clothes during the days spent outside seemed to scrape now over your skin in an unnerving, unsettling way. “I,” you tried again, all the while Kakashi only stared at you with his damn deep, all-seeing eyes, “I wanted to kill him. To kill Yundai. Everything I thought in that moment was: It would be so much better if he was gone. I just want him gone. But I was a child, I was scared and angry, couldn’t control my powers properly… And Kenta was suddenly there.”

Filled to the brim with nervousness, fear and almost uncontrolled panic at being judged, you looked at Kakashi and nearly cried out when he only nodded calmly.

“It was nearly the same for me with Rin,” he said, and only now you noticed that his cup was half empty, “she just… jumped suddenly into my attack. Enemies turned her into a… a living bomb.” He tested the words that followed after his slight pause as if contemplating whether they fit or not. “She would bring havoc over our village and was begging me to stop her. I didn’t want to see that, but then…” His right hand flew upwards, drew a little circle into the air, only to drop back onto his thigh. “She took matters into her own hands.” Before you could interject, Kakashi continued, almost hasty and seeming to fear an interruption, like a dam broke and it was hard to control the tide of his confession. “After that, everything was… Everything was dark. I rightfully blamed myself for her death, and to forget about it, I killed more people in the line of duty. I didn’t care, I didn’t feel and I didn’t blame myself, all the while I spilled more blood than any of the adults around me. I was numb, numb to my few friends I didn’t want to get close to in case they would also die or numb to the danger I threw myself into. Some kind of terrible luck must’ve pulled me through all the shit, because I’m here and can tell this story. So, believe me when I tell you that your accident is nothing against my many, many sins.”

Deliberate killing. So much deliberate, ruthless killing, spilling of blood, ending of life. A cold shudder wandered down your back as you could only stare in weak horror at Kakashi, who continued to stare into the flames of the small campfire without acknowledging if he noticed your blatant staring or not. That was the reason why his aura was shrouded in darkness. That was the reason why there was some kind of hope shining through the shadows whenever you directed your senses at him. He started to recover not too long ago, liberated by something or someone, a recent situation which allowed Kakashi to finally let go of all his shame. But he didn’t forget it, by all means. No, he started to forgive himself without forgetting where it all came from.

Was that what he wanted to say? That you had to start to forgive yourself? But what was there to forgive, you killed someone, you killed Kenta-!

A child. An accident. I maybe killed him, but it was in self-defense.

No, that wasn’t-! That didn’t-!

It happened. They were just a bunch of kids, but a bunch of mean, cruel kids who should’ve known better and shouldn’t have thought they were invincible.

But-!

Kakashi’s voice ripped you back into reality. “It takes time,” he said, weak and obviously speaking out of experience, “and you shouldn’t push yourself too much. There’s a first step to forgive yourself and it’s your decision to take the step or not. No one can and will force you.”

No one but yourself. No pressure.

Maybe. One day. Another day, but it was certainly a nice silver lining. A little one.

“Thank you,” another sip at the tea which wasn’t scalding hot anymore, “for telling me this. All of it.”

“Mhm.” A short hum, apparently pleased and relaxed. But when Kakashi glanced at you, insecurity radiated from him in clear waves. He was busy, rubbing his gloved hands together (seriously, how much did he cover up of himself?) all the while still staring into the fire. Blindly, like he looked back into his past. So far back that the present didn’t matter.

Would be a peek into his feelings invasive? Before you could think too much about it, you felt for his aura, his emotions. Still, the dark, deep void of loneliness and fulfilled duty swirled around his body, maybe even heavier than usual. The colors of his aura changed rapidly, changing between the regret, guilt and hopelessness, only to be disturbed by the dim light of hope again and again. A little candlelight, flickering and burning through the darkness.

The children were close, too. Just outside of earshot, their energies muted, but still on your inner radar. They probably tried to hide their chakra, but the mere energy of their emotions, of their thoughts couldn’t be hidden from you.

“I know you’re there!” Kakashi twitched weakly, a single hand flying up and head turning at your call. “Come out, you misfits.”

A glance exchanged with Kakashi, he asking a silent question and you answering with a weak shake off your head, at what he settled back into his comfortable spot. Meanwhile, the teens came back with their heads lowered and at least having the decency to look ashamed for being caught.

Naruto was the loudest, like always. “Oh man, (Y/N)! How did you know we were there? We had our chakras hidden and all of that, believe it!”

“Don’t make me tell all of my secrets.”

“No, seriously! I wanna know!”

“And I wanted my peace,” a determined sip at your tea, “but life is a mean bitch and I didn’t get that. So, I guess we both will go to bed unsatisfied.”

Naruto gasped, full of theatrical dramatics and false agitation. “But (Y/N)! You’re so mean to us!”

“Oh, shut up, idiot.” Sasuke scoffed and rolled his eyes. “It’s obviously some kind of detection which goes beyond the borders of mere chakra, maybe similar to your own energy sense when you’re in Sage-mode.”

You didn’t understand a word, but apparently, Sasuke drove the point home for Naruto. His eyes lit up, excited beyond description and bounced over like an overexcited puppy. “Is that true?” he asked, so close that you could literally see the little dents of the scars which were imprinted onto his face, “Can you sense our natural energies?”

Was it natural energies? Was it the physical embodiment of a person you were able to feel? Not only chakra, but the very being of a person, with all their emotions? Probably. So, you nodded slowly, what made Naruto’s smile even wider, before he suddenly came right up to you, hand again curled into a fist, knuckles facing into your direction.

You had only seconds to decide what to do. Mere seconds in which your thoughts circled around in your brain, told about doubts and betrayal, about to absolutely not do it, you fool and other things. This was a decision you had to make for yourself. Would it be worth it? And didn’t these brats, these misfits, these teens already prove themselves to you?

Gently, you bumped your own knuckles against Naruto’s, before dropping your hand quickly into your lap again. Your fingers were shaking, but seeing Naruto’s bright smile was worth the short, dreadful seconds of panic overcoming your entire being.

When you looked up, everyone seemed to stare at you. Sakura was smiling maybe just as brightly as Naruto and she gave you an encouraging nod. Sasuke seemed at first as motionless as always, but wasn’t there a small tug at his mouth which pulled it almost into a small smile, too?

For the first time since you left the village, since you ran away, you felt yourself growing warm. Warmer, happier. Strange, how the simple kindness of these people was so important to you that you were influenced by them. But it was a good kind of strange, and carried by the good-strange feeling spreading through your heart and stomach, you made the decision Kakashi told you about. The one decision to go forward, to leave the shame behind you, to free yourself from it completely.

“Hey, uhm…” You breathed in, breathed out, straightened your shoulders and readied yourself to relive a lot of painful memories. “Would you all like to hear my version of the past?”

The decision to take the first step.

Chapter Text

You really should’ve expected the instant excitement of your rather sudden and maybe, also pretty dumb, decision. The misfits broke into little cheers (well, Sakura and Naruto did, giving out high-fives to one another, while Sasuke dropped into the same spot as before, huffing something under his breath which sounded suspiciously like “about time”). Every second of their cheers was spent on your part with already worrying if that had been the right decision. To tell them the full range of humiliation you experienced. To recall all those terrible memories you definitely didn’t want to recall. In general, to speak about your life like you weren’t involved in it at all, like these experiences and memories weren’t a part of you.

Is it really right to tell them?

Should I? Maybe they finally woke up from their illusion. Maybe they will pull away from me.

Don’t be stupid. They already know the worst. Now, the only thing left is to fill in the little voids in between.

Right. You breathed in. Right. A step forward. One step forward at a time. And your past was only one step. A single, small step. Right over the edge of a cliff.

“Sit down,” the cheering stopped immediately, and the misfits dropped into the grass, still with stupidly huge grins on their faces, “and don’t interrupt me with stupid questions. I’m not going to repeat myself nor will I explain things over and over for the more stupid ones listening. Take it or leave it, I don’t care.”

None of them were commenting on your prologue, and still, you could feel how Kakashi suppressed a little smile beneath his damned mask. A glance, seeing if you were right, but not a single motion could be spotted. His dark eyes were still intently fixated on the flames, but he was listening. How could he not, merely a meter away and with the senses of a shinobi?

It didn’t matter. There were three other pairs of eyes waiting for you to start, all of them eager to get to know you, get to know your full, undisclosed past.

Before you knew it, your lips parted and your tongue moved, spilling choppy words and broken sentences, but they grew more and more, into flowing syllables and long paragraphs. “My father. It all probably started… with my father. My father and his love for the forest. When others were busy on the nearby fields, he would sneak away and hide himself in the bushes and underwood. Every day, he would spend at least one or two hours there, discovering the secrets of the woods. With success.”

One of the little happy memories flooded over your mind. Out of instinct, your lips quirked upward, nothing more than a little slip-up in your stony mask. Your father always spoke full of adoration of the first moment he met your mother and recalling these times always blurred together into one single sea of happiness.

“He… He told me that he met my mother while walking through one of the deepest parts of the woods, days away from the walls of the village. He wandered so far off the beaten paths that no matter how hard he tried in the following years, he could never return and never find a way back. My mother was dancing on a clearing, pretty much just like this one,” you gestured around and like they were drawn by an invisible force, all the teens looked up and around, their eyes wide and sparkling in their mystic tale, “and my father could only stare and watch. She was as beautiful as nature. The sharp beauty of a storm, her movement as graceful as the flow of a mountain river, her aura as widespread and almighty as the forest itself. Don’t let yourself be fooled though. My mother knew my father far longer than he was aware and only decided to show herself when she was sure that he was so deep in the forest that no one would be amazed if he would vanish.”

Blood drained from Naruto’s face in the blink of an eye. You suspected that he would say something about your wording, and you would be proven right.

“EEEH?!?” His scream echoed over the clearing. Birds flew up, small animals buried themselves deeper into the nearby bushes and Kakashi’s knee twitched, nearly hitting the man himself. Not that Naruto cared much. One finger pointing at you, pure shock written all over his whiskered face and not able to close his mouth.

“Didn’t I say no interruptions?” you asked, the coolness of winter swinging in every word. “I will explain in a second, but if you want to interrupt me so badly, then go ahead, but I won’t speak more.”

Without a word, Sakura hit Naruto’s shoulder, whispered something to him (probably: “Shut up and listen to her!”), before nodding at you to continue.

Seamlessly, you continued and also continued to ignore Naruto’s growing inability to sit still while listening. “My mother wished no harm on my father. His love for the woods and nature enamored her to the point that she chose him as her partner. The… problem was only that my mother… wasn’t exactly human. So, some of her actions aren’t really considered morally right from a human point of view, but totally justified from hers.”

Not “completely” human. An understatement of enormous proportions.

You breathed in, breathed out and went on, your hands wrung together that the skin at your knuckles turned to a ghostly white. “My mother… Her species has many names. Wood elf, forest fairy, forest ghost, dryads… They are an old race, older than humans even and have achieved such a high compatibility with the nature that they are a part of it. More plant or tree than human, even though they are able to take on a humanoid appearance. Sometimes, when a human shows a great aptitude in nature and stays for hours in the forest… Well, the fairies take them and reward them, in their eyes, by allowing the human to stay with them for as long as they wish.”

More like, kidnapping humans. You only realized that many years later and since then, you had struggled to look at the supposed love between your mother and father with the same, innocent eyes you possessed as a child who listened full of fascination to her father about the magical love story he experienced.

“Usually, the folk of my mother doesn’t reproduce. Not like humans. They are immortal, they… they don’t need to. But my mother… apparently was a bit… adventurous. She invited my father to lay with her and I’m the product of that.”

A horrible misstep. A horrendous mistake of nature, never meant to be born.

No use to think about that. Go on. They are still listening.

Another little break, in which you could listen to the silent crackle of the campfire and the excited, useless babble of Naruto, who went over to bite into his hand to stop himself from speaking up.

“My father,” you gestured warily around, hands fluttering like useless wings, “told me that my mother managed to hide me away from her folk for as long as she could. I grew up on her clearing, where her trees and bushes and flowers grew. For four human years, we lived there together. Until I discovered my… gift and promptly, the other faeries discovered me.”

“These powers aren’t exemplary for the fairy folk?”

Surprisingly, Kakashi had thrown the question into the round. You expected this from the misfits, but not from him. Maybe, he was just as curious as them?

“Because this is not an exactly stupid question, I will allow it.” A glare met the man, who nodded once like he expected such a reaction from you. “No. These… powers aren’t common for the fairy folk. It’s… It’s like… What was it called? A mutation?” Was that how it was called? You had read a book about genes and development of so-called DNA, but that had been years ago and the book also had been old and worn-out by the years of usage.

Sakura nodded quickly, her bright green eyes shining more and more as your past seemed to pander to her scientific thinking. “A mutation! Yes, that’s right! It would make sense, considering that apparently there have never been any documented children between the fairy folk and humans! Say, did it make you stronger or weaker in comparison to the acquaintances of your mother?”

“Considerably stronger. So strong and also unstable they forced my mother to let go of my father and I, to return to the human village.”

An easy answer. And at the same time, the start of your suffering.

Raised eyebrows met your words, Naruto screamed behind his hands and Sasuke audibly grunted, before abruptly turning away. Only Kakashi didn’t twitch, didn’t say a word, hell, he didn’t even look at you. You were nearly under the impression that he wasn’t fazed at all, but then your eyes wandered to his neck, barely hidden underneath the mask and the absolutely ridiculous collar of his vest, you had to revise that impression. The muscles in the back of his neck were strained, sharp lines and sharp edges, trembling ever so slightly under your look.

So, he is affected. Interesting.

At the thought of the entirety of Team 7 feeling with you, having sympathy for you and your fate made you feel, for the first time in forever, valued. Valued as a human being, no matter how little of human blood ran through your veins. A small smile tugged at your lips and a never-known softness got a hold of your heart.

Bitterness tinged your following words, a hint of the pain which had yet to come. “When my father returned after four whole years, he was… different. He missed my mother, the life with her. More often than not, he would stare out of the window or go back into the forest for days, leaving me alone to discover the human world for the first time. I never met other people before, so, I was obviously excited, especially when there were other children who played new games. Unfortunately though, the adults didn’t like me.”

Maybe, they were right not to like me near their children.

“My powers were slowly building up, grew stronger and more dangerous. At the same time, the villagers were already distrusting of me, because who wouldn’t when a formerly dead-thought neighbor comes back with a strange little child in his arms? Plants reacted to my presence, grew more, the harvest became better. Despite the good things happening all around, the villagers decided to place me under the roof of the elders in the village. She was… known for her… harsh educational methods. For setting troublemakers straight. Because so far out, with no other villages nearby, one person who sticks out can be a huge detriment to the unity of the village.”

“If you don’t want to listen to me, then you have to feel how angry I’m at you!”

“Come back here! The toilets aren’t clean!”

“No dinner for you! No breakfast for you! Go out, sleep there, like the dog you are for being such a huge weight on my shoulders!”

“Go back on the field! What do you mean, you’re sick? I don’t care, you’re not finished! You’re just lazy, that’s everything!”

“I worked from sunrise to the first light of the moon. Mostly, she used me on the field. When she realized I could control my powers,” your cup rose into the air, turned around itself, only to settle back onto your thigh, “she made me a living pack mule. For more fieldwork. Because of my presence, the harvest was for years a huge success, and because I was there harvesting, with my powers which replaced five grown men, it was easier too. I handled the tools meant for cows or horses, pulled them until I was so tired I fell asleep right there on the field, pulled and pulled and pulled…”

Pulled until you puked the little food out you had consumed that day. Pulled the heavy plow with your mind until blood dripped from your nose in small streams, until your head seemed to split open under the pain, until you couldn’t feel your hands and feet anymore. Not that Umi ever cared. No, you were lazy for complaining, for speaking up for yourself, for begging her to let you sleep or rest, for the matter.

“You know what happens when I use my gift too much,” you silently admitted, your eyes meeting every single one of the misfits, “you know how exhausted and sick I get. If I would’ve pushed myself even further than that, I would start to bled from my nose, get migraines, until I would fall unconscious. And the strain of my gift was even stronger when I was younger. Despite all that, they continued to use me like a mule, like I owed it to them, while my father stood aside and didn’t care about me. Not as much as he cared about my mother.”

More bitterness tinted your voice, ugly and easily recognizable. Another deep inhale, then you pushed further forward. “But Umi and the rest of the village also knew my powers were a potential danger for them. They feared and hated me just as much as they let me work. When my father died, every pretense of acting like they saw me as a fellow human being dropped. The other children mimicked their behavior, especially one young boy who would one day become the village head. Yundai.”

“Yundai?” echoed two different voices over the clearing.

“That douchebag?” Sakura hissed. “Seriously? What’s wrong with them?”

“That’s not right.” The blond boy could only shake his head, while his eyes brimmed with the sympathy he felt for you. “That’s totally not right, believe it.”

You shrugged. “It is what it is. He was the son of the previous village head, so, he became the next one. It’s not a thing of “Who is the most fitting for the title?” but a rank of prestige, given from father to son. Really practical in making sure the rules you set are being followed even after your death.”

Like the rules which described the exact behavior you had to show in order to be allowed temporarily back in the village. Like a dog, conditioned and trained to beg to be freed of its muzzle.

“The next interesting thing surely would be the reason why I was banned from the village and you already know the gist of it. I killed a boy who was part of the same group as Yundai and in return, the elders decided that it was a great opportunity to get rid of me. Sure, my presence made the harvest better, but the more I grew, the more they feared my gift. Killing a child didn’t make it easier, and the rest of the village didn’t care that in the long run, it would’ve possibly been better to let me stay there. They screamed for my punishment. Thus, I found myself tossed into the woods, with nothing but my clothes on my body.”

You took a little sip of your by now cold tea. How much time had passed since you started to recall the depressing chain of unlucky incidents which could be called your life? An hour, or two? The sun wandered a bit more over the sky, clouds drifted in their usual laziness with the wind and you could nearly tell yourself that everything was like always.

But it wasn’t.

“Uhm, (Y/N)-san?” This time, Naruto actually raised his hand. Deep wrinkles engraved itself into his forehead, an untypically serious look for him.

With a simple wave of your hand, you allowed him to speak.

“Why did they ban you from the village? Isn’t like, death the worst thing they could do?”

“A good question. Never expected that from you, idiot.”

“Sasuke! This is serious, believe it!”

Before they could get into a huge fight and disrupt your flow in any way, you let Sasuke’s sword rattle loudly in its sheath. The broody teen twitched, glared at you, only to settle back into his position, while Naruto’s face was pulled into a little pout.

You took another sip from your cold tea. “A ban from the village, so far out is usually a death sentence. And no matter how… mean they appear to be through my story, the villagers aren’t murderers. They aren’t the type of people to suddenly hold a knife to your throat and actually kill you. They are missing the guts to do that themselves. Besides,” a sad smile stole its way onto your face, “I’m still of use for them. I may be far away, but if necessary, they can still blame me for all what is wrong in their lives. The village doctor receives some herbs from me whenever he managed to trash the ones I already gave him, and when they are in a particular bad mood, sooner or later I will come to the village, so they can take out their mood on me. Also,” you jerked your chin at Kakashi, “the other part of my punishment was to erase my very existence. No name, no documents, no life. For them as a community, where bonds and relations are of utmost importance, these are the two hardest punishments they can hang over a person. For them, I’m just the far away Witch of the Woods, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Then why are you still living here?” This time, Kakashi really looked at you. Really looked at you, with all of his unbearable intensity. “Why are you still here? There’s nothing holding you back. You could go wherever you wanted, but you’re still so close to them that you allow them to punish you, even though it’s their own screwed perception of the situation and their superstitious nature making up a problem where there was none to begin with.”

Always asking the right questions to make you uncomfortable. Yes, why weren’t you gone by now? Why didn’t you pack your things and go? With your gift and your skills, no matter what you would do and where you would go in the end, you would survive.

“I…” You started, “I… I don’t know, to be honest. Maybe it’s because…”

Because of what? Yeah, because of what exactly?

“Maybe because of…”

Give one good answer why you haven’t walked away. One fucking good answer.

“Maybe,” you started yet again, “because I still think they… they can grow to like me. A foolish hope that they somehow suddenly see how much I try to get them… to-to see me, not the monster. In a sense,” at that, a short, sharp laughter broke free, full of disbelieving wonder and cruel knowledge broke free, “I’m still a child who clings to the only thing she knows with all her might. Logically, I know they will never acknowledge me as one of their own, but deep down, I’m still wondering if that is true.”

This. This was it. A strange, desperate wish you knew would never come true, but still clung to, as mentioned, like a child clinging to the familiarity of the hatred and knowing how badly you were treated. No matter what, the villagers wouldn’t change. You knew what they would do, what they would say. They would call you “murderer”, “monster” and warn their children to hide in the safety of their homes. Arata would deny you food you desperately needed. Noburu would make up lies and drag you to Yundai. Yundai… Yundai would seal the deal by making sure you remembered exactly why you were hated and loathed.

If you would encounter other people, you had no such security. How would they react? Would they be friendly or be just as hateful, if not worse?

“I also built my life here,” you gestured towards the hut, the garden, the clearing, all of it all yours, “and they can’t take it from me. Everything here is mine and to leave it now without knowing where to go and what to do… Seems even more foolish to me. I know who I am and where my place is. There is nothing left for me to discover.”

Naruto snarled, right when you wanted to continue. “This is bullshit, believe it.”

Sakura’s eyes immediately shot wide open and a little gasp escaped her. “Naruto! You can’t just say that!”

“But it’s true! This is the same bullshit Neji was on and you know exactly what I did!”

“You hit him in the face.”

“Yeah, you’re damn right!” To underline his determination, he slammed his right hand, which was curled into a fist, into his open left. “I hit him in the face, believe it! And the only reason I’m not hitting (Y/N)-san is because-!”

“Because you’re scared of her.”

“Yeah, because I’m scare-! NO! Sasuke-bastard!”

“Naruto-idiot.”

“Not because I’m scared, but because I respect her decision!” Naruto grinned like the sun itself. Then, his face fell. “But living near this village… I don’t like it, believe it.”

“That’s not your decision to make,” you butted in, “it’s entirely mine. And I don’t want to leave.”

“Just because you have no other choice!”

“It’s not like villages would queue up for a dangerous individual with no real-life experience to join their inhabitants.”

Just when Naruto wanted to say something, two things happened. For once, Sakura wrapped like a boa constrictor her arm around his neck, putting the blond into the infamous headlock. On the other hand, Sasuke leaned forward, and wasn’t there the hint of an evil smile flashing over his face?

“You’re saying that because there would be no sane village taking you in, there’s absolutely no way you will leave your home. Did I understand that correctly?”

“Why are we even talking about it? There’s no village who-!”

“Just answer the question.”

You sighed lowly. “Yes. You got that right.”

If possible, the bad premonition in the back of your mind grew even further at seeing Sasuke’s almost triumphant expression, now chiseled into his features and dark eyes. “So, hypothetically, if there would be a village who would be willing to take you in, despite or because of your skills, then you would consider moving away from here?”

Something was up. You could feel it in the air, were aware of it in the back of your mind. The atmosphere thickened, made breathing harder, and while you looked around and tried to find an answer, you became heavily aware of the other people around you. Naruto was still being choked by Sakura, both of them busy mock-fighting with each other, but ever so slightly, the grip around his throat had loosened. They were both watching you, waiting for the answer or any kind of reaction. Sasuke was maybe the worst out of all of them, his black eye suddenly shining with a red hue to the iris and his violet eye glimpsing through the thick, black strands usually hiding it from the world. Both eyes felt like they could look right into your soul, a truly unsettling feeling you absolutely didn’t like.

Not even Kakashi could escape his own curiosity. When you threw another quick glance at him (the only reasonable person here, maybe) he was already looking at you, but as the only person, he had the decency to look away when your eyes met. No big help, then.

You were still trying to find an answer. Would you really go? Would you really leave your hut behind? It was everything you ever owned, your first home. A home. The only home you ever had.

Could you leave it?

Uninvited, the strange dream from a few months ago came back. The real dream, the dream produced by the Infinite Tsukuyomi. According to Naruto, it revealed the perfect world for every person in it. A perfect world, tailored to the one captured in it. You had lived in a big town there, surrounded by people, welcomed by them. There had been friends; people you talked with, easy conservations and easy laughter. No more insults, no more pain. No more loneliness.

You wouldn’t wholeheartedly believe in the dream if it wasn’t for Naruto telling you about it. He was incapable of lying, had not a single mean bone in his body (if you excluded the demon inside of him) and always seemed brutally honest to you.

So, you nodded. Slowly, but you nodded, eyes transfixed on the walls of your hut. “I think I would. I believe, at least I would try it. To see if I’m even fitted for this life after being  hermit for so long.”

A little, victorious grin tugged at Sasuke’s mouth. “So, what if you had a place to go to? What if we,” he gestured over to the rest of his team, “would invite you to come with us to live in Konoha?”

And despite your earlier answer, your first instinct was to break into sheer and utter panic. Images of Kenta came back, how his blood splattered all over your hands, his gurgled scream, his broken bones and limbs. What would happen if you would again lose control over yourself? In a village, there were more people to hurt, to kill, and this time, it wouldn’t only be your life on the line.

No, it would also be the reputation of these misfits on the line. Without a doubt, Naruto and Sakura had a lot of fans back home, Sasuke probably had his own fan club and Kakashi… Kakashi was an entirely different caliber you couldn’t decipher at all. Surely, he had also people waiting for him, despite what he just told you. Friends, some kind of family, a lover? People who would be disappointed in him if he brought a living nightmare into the safe haven they called their home.

You found yourself on your feet without being aware when you stood up. Wide eyes met yours, and when you slung your arms around your own body, you could only shake your head, over and over. “I… this is… Let me...”

A real possibility. A real chance to live like you wanted, like you dreamed of. Your mind swirled in deep, vibrant colors, of the possibilities which would open up, the new things you would see and experience, the new people you would encounter. On the other hand, there was the utter insecurity that you would not be able to control yourself, that you would again hurt people if you weren’t secluded in an area where nobody would dare to set foot in.

Still steadily shaking your head, you stumbled backwards. Away from the fire, away from the people waiting for an answer. “Let me,” you breathed, “let me think this over. This is a bit… sudden.”

“(Y/N)-!”

“Not now, Naruto. Just… not now.” Your feet couldn’t carry you quickly enough away from this set-up interrogation.

Of course, a damn set-up. They probably planned this since they came to the village.

The hut didn’t feel right. Your home was a fortitude of peace, not a place to doubt and question your lifelong motivation, even though you had done a lot of soul searching over the last weeks inside your own four walls. No, not this time. Instead of entering your hut, you walked right past it, walked right past it into the forest. You were still dirty, grime made of sweat, earth and leaves still smeared all across your skin and hair. It was time to get clean again. In the more literal sense.

Maybe, the icy cold river water would also clear your head for a little bit. At least, that was the silent hope you had when you quickly stripped out of your clothing, grimaced at the crumbs of dirt falling from the fabric and took a deep breath in, before dipping your feet into the clear, quickly flowing water. Icy, just as you thought. One sharp breath in, then you squeezed your eyes shut and willed yourself to stop thinking. Another step forward, deeper into the current of the river, and you breathed again sharply in, before diving head first into the even deeper planes of the water.

For a second, the icy water burned on your skin. Your lungs protested, wanted to scream and shout at the onslaught of sensations prickling and stabbing into your body, but like always, you ignored the discomfort until the low temperature wasn’t a problem anymore. With fervor, you kicked the water, moved your arms until you broke through the surface, gasping for air. Definitely better than thinking too much about the-!

Nope. Not thinking about that. Just keep on swimming. Clean yourself.

Again, you went beneath the water level. The silence was… liberating, freeing. You and your thoughts were alone. The river didn’t only wash away all the dirt, also the confusion and all the other emotions. Only the facts were left behind.

The misfits wanted you in the village. Otherwise, they wouldn’t invite you to come with them.

Nothing kept you here, except for the imaginary need to help the villagers in the vain hope they would sometime forgive you and the pride of having built something with your own two hands.

And if you decided to stay (and it was a very big if), you could always start new. Always start over, build a new house, better than this one. Sure, it would be a shame for the garden, but wasn’t it the circle of nature? To leave your home and eventually move on? Move forward, taking one step at a time?

You emerged again, broke free and gasped for air, before slicking back your hair. Standing there in the riverbed, water reaching up to your shoulders and the torrent washing around your body, fully submerged in nature and not having to fulfil any kind of need or request was heavenly.

Another thing which would change. Moments like this would definitely cease to exist.

Or would they? You had no idea how it would be to live in a town where you were actually welcome, able to walk freely and live without a worry. Would you be able to take moments, hours, days for yourself if necessary?

The sound of a twig snapping in your back made you freeze. Instantly, you reached for your senses, checked the surroundings without looking around. And you relaxed when you felt the same, pained aura of Kakashi standing in your back, waiting by the pile of dirty clothes you left in the grass.

“Slowly I believe you like to peep on me when I’m naked,” you said, all the while you sunk a bit deeper into the water. Thankfully, it would be enough to hide any details of your body from him. “It’s the second time.”

“I’m not peeping,” he answered lightly, “I’m just checking up on you.”

“Another excuse.”

“Seriously. I’m not even looking into your direction. My back is facing the river.”

“Why are you even checking up on me?”

“Let’s say it like this: Sakura was really adamant on making sure you weren’t too overthrown by the offer they made.”

Automatically, a snort escaped you. “Of course. A mother hen in the disguise of a violent… what? Scientist?”

“Healer, actually. She’s one of our best, if not the best in the entire Fire Country.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you planning to stay for even longer or can I come out and get dressed?”

“You can come out whenever you like. I’m not peeping. And maybe, Sakura also took the liberty to break into your house and grab some fresh clothes. Something about “dirty clothes aren’t any good after cleaning up”.”

Carefully, you peeked over your shoulder. At least, he wasn’t lying about the facing-away-part. Kakashi really stood with his back facing the river close by, right beside your pitiful pile of clothes. He held a neutral bag in his hand, outstretched in an awkward angle behind his back, obviously trying to even look away from the non-descriptive clothing.

“Nice,” you sighed and took a careful step into the direction of the shinobi, “so now we’re at the stage where she can just go through my stuff and no one is mentioning the casual invasion of my privacy?”

“Hey, you’re lucky I could hold her back from joining you here. She was very insistent.”

“My knight in shining armor,” with a groan, you heaved yourself out of the water, “what would I do without you?”

Kakashi chuckled, still holding onto the bag, gloved fingers curled into the rough fabric. “Probably get swamped by my team. They really like you.”

His entire body seemed to tense underneath the vest as you closed the distance. He heard you, the soft footsteps on the grass, the small droplets of water which still clung to your skin falling to the ground.

Your fingers curled into the bag, tugged at it to ensure he noticed that you received his delivery. “And what about you? Does “the team” also include you?”

A bold question. An incredibly bold question. But a necessary one. Kakashi was the one person who seemed to understand the blame you put on your own shoulders. He was the one who seemed to have a level-headed thinking in this matter, not tainted by his own wishes and desires, or at least, managed very well to hide and separate them. If you had to trust the judgement of one of the shinobi, then it would be Kakashi’s.

You stood close enough to notice that the tips of his ears seemed to redden the tiniest bit. Still, his voice was unwavering. “Is that a roundabout question to somehow inquire my personal opinion about you?”

“If you take it as that, then yes.”

“Is there any other way to take it?”

“Not really.”

While you two bantered, you used the time to already scramble into the wide clothing, a skirt and the usual sleeveless tee. You had to give it to Sakura. She knew your sparse wardrobe well. At the very bottom of the bag, you also found one of the few articles of underwear you owned. With a shrug, you climbed into it. First balancing on one leg, then the other, draping your skirt over your nether regions and trying not to fall over.

“You can turn around now,” you said, still trying to smooth your skirt down your legs as you spoke, “I’m done.”

Kakashi gave you a few more seconds, maybe out of courtesy or out of embarrassment, who knew. When he turned, he did it slowly, almost deliberately. His eyes were creased in an invisible smile, but the red ears also remained. “You’re looking better.”

“Anyone would look better when they’re not caked in mud and leaves anymore.”

“If you say so. Now, about my personal opinion…”

“Yes?”

One of his hands flew upwards to scratch the back of his neck.  “My personal opinion about you in particular is not of any concern. But I can say that Konohagakure as a village would be happy to welcome you with open arms.”

“I didn’t ask about your opinion on that matter.”

“But you were going to.”

Damn bastard.

You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest. “Fine. Yes, I also wanted to ask about that. As the one out of the bunch to have the most neutral opinion, I wanted to maybe, possibly ask you what you thought of it. You also knew about their plans, didn’t you?”

He buried his hands in the pockets of his pants. “Yes, I knew. As the team leader, they proposed their plans to me. I just had to agree to them.”

In other words, Kakashi knew about the invitation and agreed to it. Agreed to you coming to their town.

“Why?” you asked. “Why would you agree to that?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I’m a possible risk.”

At that, Kakashi did something you never thought he would do. He laughed. A whole-hearted laughter, low and rolling through the air like distant thunder, all the while even your lips perked up at the mere rusty sound of someone who wasn’t used to being so carefree.

“You know Naruto, yes?” the man asked after a few more seconds, still laughing a bit, “And Sakura and Sasuke?”

“Yes? Of course, I know them.”

“They defeated an ancient goddess together. Naruto and Sasuke are both probably the most powerful shinobi of their generation, if not of the entire shinobi world at the moment. They could eradicate entire cities if they wanted. And Sakura,” Kakashi chuckled once more like he recalled an especially fond memory, “is also capable of doing exactly that, don’t let her fool you.”

“And? Your point, Kakashi?”

“(Y/N), my point is, that Konohagakure trains hundreds of children to kill every year. Most of them have terrific skills and abilities. They can spit fire, have bugs living inside of them, invade minds and whatnot. Don’t you think we can deal with someone who moves the trees and nature a bit, when we already dealt with much worse before?”

“It’s not only that, it’s-!”

“We have hundreds of emotionally stunted jonin. They could lash out any second, to their family, friends, total strangers on the street. You won’t be the only danger in Konoha, in fact, you will probably spend most of your time in the close proximity of people who can protect themselves if it should get this far and if your control should slip.” Kakashi’s black eyes were still creased, but behind his amusement was also the understanding where your worries were coming from. “And if I might say so, the control of your gift and self-control probably excel a lot of our high-ranking shinobi.”

You felt yourself blushing. That was a huge compliment in your book. And strangely enough, hearing the reassurances of Kakashi that most of the people in Konohagakure were just as dangerous or even beyond your own level of danger, was even more calming. That meant they could maybe deal with your gift if you ever would lose control again. Protect the people around you and yourself from the backlash. Help also maybe with maintaining a proper control. It would be. 

Maybe, Konohagakure could be a new home to you. One without the looming shadows of Yundai, Noburu and Arata in your back. One without the constant blame on your shoulders, one with friends and new people.

But there was one last thing on your mind. One last thing which you worried about, one thing which would be the reason to immediately leave Konoha and never look back.

“Kakashi?” you asked.

The man nodded. “Yes?”

“Can you promise me one thing, kind of a… condition to come with you?”

Immediately, Kakashi grew serious. The creases around his eyes vanished, the scar over his eye smoothened and his whole posture seemed to straighten a bit. “It depends on the range of your condition.”

“Nothing unreasonable, of course,” you answered, “just… I will never use my gift to hurt someone, not willingly. I think I know what some of the higher-ups could see in me, could see in my powers and I’m telling you know, Kakashi. I will never attempt to actively hurt anyone with my powers. I will not follow any orders going into that direction. And if that ever happens, if one of your higher-ups decides that I would make a great addition to the active fighting force of Konoha… I will be gone. I don’t want to be used for my powers anymore. That already happened enough here. I don’t want that anymore. Everything will happen out of my own will.”

“Alright.” He answered in the same heartbeat you closed your mouth. “That I can indeed promise.” One of his gloved hands stretched out, open palm facing the sky. A silent invitation and offer. “So… You want to come with us?”

“If you can hold up your promise?”

Kakashi nodded. “I will. As you have seen, I’m a man of my word.”

“And as you may understand, I don’t care much about that.” Taking his hand and shaking it sealed the deal. Nervousness rolled down your spine in a mighty wave, the warm and tight grip of Kakashi’s fingers only slightly a distraction. He was smiling again when you looked up, an incredibly warm, gentle smile and a warm, gentle hue of something seemed to curl in your chest, contracting like a snake around your lungs and making your breath hitch the tiniest bit. It was a strange and yet not unwelcome sensation, one you reveled in and didn’t want to let go off.

“It will be our pleasure to have you,” after a few more very long moments, Kakashi’s fingers loosened their hold, “and I can already foresee that the brats will be more than happy that you will come with us.”

The brats. Yeah, you could see it too. They would probably fawn all over you, being so excited that you would come with them that they would blabber about all the things they would drag you to.

Mhm. I mean, it could sound like fun, in the end.

Really… I think I don’t mind that much, after all.

On the inside, you couldn’t stop smiling at the prospect of being led around the new village. Damn, when it came to the misfits, you would probably let them get away with a lot of things.

“By the way,” Kakashi leaned in, “they listened to our conversation and want to properly jump you. I hope you’re into group cuddles.”

Really? Quickly, you scanned your surroundings, and indeed, the three energy points of the misfits burned like torches on your inner radar, close enough to listen and by now already closing the distance between your own vantage point and Kakashi’s. With a low sigh and accompanied by a snicker from the man, you tried to be ready for the three teens coming at you with all their wild excitement (in Sasuke’s case, mild amusement) and to be buried beneath both Sakura and Naruto.

(You didn’t mind group cuddles. Even though Naruto talked too loudly into your ear and Sakura’s hug resembled more wrestling with a bear.)

(But you still acted like you absolutely hated it. You had an image to maintain, after all.)

Chapter Text

Leaving your hut behind like this felt… weird. You stared at the walls, the new door, the simple roof and asked yourself when you would come to see them again. Usually, you were barely gone for three days, a week at most, but this time, the way to Konoha would at least take the mentioned week. This time, you had no idea when you would return, what would happen, hell, who you would encounter. A big ball of anxiety already was stuck in your throat.

“(Y/N)?” Sakura’s voice broke through the quickly growing darker fantasies of what could happen when you were gone, “Are you alright?”

“… Yeah. It’s just…” You let out a deep sigh, coming right from the bottom of your lungs. “It’s strange.”

To your mild surprise, the girl joined you in staring at your hut. “Yeah. I think I know what you mean. It’s strange to go away and not knowing when you will come back.”

“How…?”

She smiled; a bright yet solemn smile. “I’m a shinobi. We’re often travelling to far away countries and sometimes stay for months, even years away from your homes.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Another longing glance towards your hut, then you inhaled and straightened your shoulders. “Alright,” the effort to turn away without another glance over your shoulder was so strong you nearly back down from your resolution, “We can go now. Go on, before I change my mind yet again to the probably better choice.”

Sakura laughed. You didn’t. In the distance, you could hear Naruto already blabbering about all the places he would visit when he was back in Konohagakure, Sasuke who had an uncanny talent to roll his eyes almost audibly, and Kakashi flipping through the pages of his last colorful novel you hadn’t taken away from him.

When you two caught up to the little group, the older man looked up from the pages, eyes crinkling in the smile beneath the mask. “Alright. Let’s go. The way will already take too long for my taste.”

Naruto stopped his monologue. “EEH? Why, Kakashi-sensei? We needed only a week and a few days to get here!”

“You forget something.”

“And what?”

Kakashi’s chin jerked into your direction. “I don’t think (Y/N)-san can jump through the trees like we do. And – sorry if I assume here – I don’t think you would like to be carried by one of us.”

“You assume correctly. No offense taken.”

Kakashi nodded. “That’s the reason why our way back will be longer than when we travelled out here. But more time for sightseeing. And wasn’t there a hot spring-inn you guys wanted to visit?”

“Will you invite us like Captain Yamato?”

“What are you thinking? Of course not.”

Deep sighs all around. Confused, you watched the teenagers grumble and roll their eyes at their “stingy, cheap sensei”, before they all shared a look and shook their heads. It was quite amusing to watch, and when the three of them started to walk ahead and leave your meadow behind, you decided to walk alongside Kakashi, who was still deeply engrossed in the book and probably would continue to be for a long time, measured at the little snickers which drifted over.

The sky was blue, only little clouds drifted by. A breeze ruffled through the surrounding trees, danced around your hair and passed by the little group. Each step shuffled through the grass, the talk of the misfits easily carrying over, despite the bit of distance between them and yourself.

“And?” Suddenly, Kakashi spoke up. Casually, he flipped to the next page as you glanced over, the metal on his glove blinding you for a second with redirected sunlight. “How are you today on this beautiful day?”

“Good.”

“I see. Still insecure about your decision?”

You shook your head. “Not really. Your pep talk helped. Thank you, by the way.”

“I haven’t done anything.” Another page was flipped. “Just shared my wisdom with you.”

“Wisdom? You have an awfully high opinion of yourself.”

Kakashi broke into a little snicker, and at the sound of his laughter, a hint of warmth spread in your chest. “Sometimes I have my moments,” he finally said, eyes creased in an invisible smile, “How do they say? A blind hen…?”

“Also finds sometimes a corn. Yeah, yeah.”

“Mhm…” Kakashi hummed and flipped to the next page. Then, like he just remembered (but he probably wanted to ask that anyway), he perked up. “Did you managed to break the seal on the scroll with the rest of my Icha-Icha-books? Yesterday, I noticed your backpack was full despite bringing nothing back from the village.”

“How observant.”

“Comes with the job.”

“Really? Never noticed. And yes,” no need to keep it hidden from him, “I read them.”

A little chuckle, and Kakashi actually closed his book and safely secured it in his flak vest. “Really?” he echoed back at you, with a teasing, warm tone in his voice which made you want to hide your face and run away (but in a good way… maybe). “Then, what do you think of Junko ending up with Raito?”

You couldn’t help it. Your eyes almost automatically rolled up into the sky as a disgusted groan rolled from your tongue. “Raito? Really? What did the author think? He was terribly boring and did nothing for her character development! In fact,” you breathed in, only to ramble on, “by getting together with him, some of her earlier development was reverted! See, the scene where she fends off the Shogun’s troops all alone challenged her, but she rose to the occasion. By getting together with Raito, who was secretly behind the attack, her oath of killing the one who sent the assassins after them was erased and forgotten, even when he was the one to cut her sense of freedom off in the first place! Hell, she ran away from him when he proposed!”

“Yes! Raito was such a bad choice for Junko!” Kakashi was visibly excited. His eyes were wide, gestures exaggerated and his voice rose and fell quicker than you could properly connect his words to the freshly read novels. “Honestly, I didn’t understand that choice either. Kaneki would’ve been so much better. Her childhood friend, always there for her, friendly and the chemistry between them was just right. He understood her more than anyone else and they had some really good scenes together.”

“The stable scene?”

“Of course, I’m talking about the stable scene. But if not Kaneki, my next choice would’ve been Ju. Damn, even Hanzo would’ve been better than Raito.”

“Hey, woah there. Slow down. Did you just say you would prefer Ju and Junko over Junko and Hanzo? Did we read the same books? Junko and Hanzo have a much better chemistry with each other. Their kiss scene and their rivalry were perfect, just as much as their banter!” You crossed your arms. Really? Ju and Junko? Kakashi was blind if he really thought that weak and blabbering wet towel should’ve been together with the strong and compassionate woman Junko obviously was.

Kakashi recoiled, hands folded over his heart like he tried to prevent a deadly disease. “Hanzo and Junko? Take that back! Blasphemy!”

“You can’t tell me,” you shook your head in badly hidden disgust, “that the damn bathroom scene was romantic. He leered at her, invaded her privacy in the most despicable way, even when he prided himself as such a nobleman!”

“He apologized!”

“In such a roundabout way that he should’ve just left it unsaid. If I remember correctly, he said that her body was nothing in comparison to the ones he had already seen, and he’s introduced by walking out of a high-end brothel!” You snorted. “He has seen his share of bodies, that’s for sure.”

For the best part of the following two hours, Kakashi tried to convince you that Ju wasn’t as bad as you thought he was, while you tried to make it clear that Hanzo obviously was the better choice over Ju. Or Raito. Everyone but Raito. Needless to say, neither of you gave in and the friendly discussion ended in a hearty “agree to disagree”. Then, Kakashi asked about your favorite scene and the discussion about the top ten of scenes was on. You didn’t even notice how you walked closer and closer to the village, only to make a sudden turn sideways and brush past the outer perimeters of the guards, never getting too close to actually see one bit of the wooden walls.

Only later, you would realize how close you actually were and when you did, anxiety with a dash of panic and the usual feeling of worthlessness pulsed with an intensity through your body that you visibly flinched away from the mere direction of the village. Kakashi noticed (of course he did!), after all, your explanation of the importance of the scene where Hanzo protected Junko by starting a fight with her, was suddenly cut off by a garbled gasp.

One look at you, then, the shinobi turned his head to stare into the same direction as you did: the vague location of the village. You were dimly aware of his motions, as you were frozen into place, legs shaking and knees weak.

“Come on, kids,” his shout made you flinch again, “hurry a bit. Remember, time is ticking.”

Was trying to create some distance between the group and the village? For… for you? You watched for a little bit how the man stared straight ahead, the shadows created by the leaves and trees dimming the bright grey of his hair back to a low silver, watched how the shinobi placed his hands back into the pockets of his pants and sped up his steps the tiniest bit when the misfits also did. Did he really do it for you because he noticed how uncomfortable you were?

Suddenly, your eyes met his. Kakashi had turned his head, glancing barely over his shoulder and smiling again, eyes creased and some strands of his silver hair falling into his forehead.

He raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong with that?”

“No.” A little, grateful smile flashed over your face. “Not at all.”

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“Hey, guys.”

“What, idiot?”

“Don’t you think (Y/N)-san and Kakashi-sensei get along pretty well?” Naruto peered over the small round to the two adults, who had stuck their heads together and probably intently discussed the book Kakashi held between them. From time to time, one of them would pace through the book, stop at a random page and excitedly whisper and gesture to the other, what was usually answered with just as frantic pacing and flipped pages, followed with more whispering and discussing. “I mean, look at them. There’s something about them, believe it.”

Sasuke didn’t look at them. He already heard and saw enough over the hours they walked through the forest to spend his time watching his sensei and a lonely hermit from the woods even more when they finally created a little camp for the night. He only rolled his eyes towards the sky and prayed for a little bit of patience for whatever his knuckleheaded teammate would come up.

Sakura though didn’t have such reservations. To be honest, she also had noticed and followed the interactions between her usually so mysterious and uptight sensei with the usually so uptight and defensive woman with great interest. There was something between them, and Sakura wasn’t thinking about their shared love for the badly written romances they discussed throughout the day in all details. And her romance-loving heart loved to see them together, no doubts in her mind.

“Yep,” she said and smiled to herself, delighted and already planning a bit what to do and say to make (Y/N) open up to her, “I think you’re right.”

“Are we…” Naruto gestured around, still whispering (he learned to whisper somewhere along the way and Sakura couldn’t be more surprised by that discovery), “doing anything with that knowledge?”

“I don’t know?” Sakura turned to Sasuke. “Are we?”

“Do what you have to do,” he grunted back and unsheathed his katana. Clearly practiced, he laid the meticulously clean steel on his knees and started to clean it, not caring one bit about the conversation going on. But he was still here, listening to them, and that was all the interest Sakura needed to work with.

“Alright. Naruto, you know, when person A and person B are into each other, they can get very, very close and-!”

“I’m not that stupid, believe it!”

“Okay, fine. Not that stupid.” Sakura sighed and inwardly was full of glee at the teases and mocks she could put into her explanation. “Anyway, just look at them. It’s pretty much time for Kakashi-sensei to finally get a girlfriend. He never had anyone!”

“Apart from that Hanare.” Sasuke threw in, still polishing the katana and not looking up from his task.

“Apart from Hanare,” she admitted, “but that was a really strange situation, still. She was a spy after all and Kakashi-sensei is too loyal to Konoha to go out with the enemy.”

Naruto nodded wildly. “Yeah! So, you want to try and get (Y/N)-san and Kakashi-sensei together?”

“Not ‘together’ per se. More like, push them together. For anything else and anything more,” Sakura clicked her tongue, “they are both too smart. They would smell what we’re up to if we make it too obvious.”

“I also don’t think (Y/N) would like it if we manipulate her like that,” Sasuke threw in, still not looking up from the katana and acting like he wasn’t involved, even when he was clearly participating in their planning, “just a thought.”

Naruto giggled. Yes, giggled. “Hell yeah! I can work with that! Just watch me, as Konoha’s Number One prankster!”

“Idiot. That won’t work. Your pranks are awfully obvious to everyone around.”

“Well, they worked on Kakashi-sensei before, you bastard!”

“That was a chalk sponge held up by a sliding door.”

“And it worked, believe it!”

Sasuke sighed in barely hidden exasperation. Only a bit more of Naruto’s arguments, and there would be a sharp ‘v’ between his eyebrows, born out of frustration and anger with the blond boy. “You seriously can’t compare,” he growled, “a child’s prank with getting two people to like each other. Better believe that.”

Oh boy. Sakura rolled her eyes. Of course, they couldn’t plan how to get two adult people in peace together without Naruto and Sasuke going off on each other. She threw another glance at her sensei and the hermit and smiled. They sat pretty close. Their knees were touching, basically molded to each other as they paced through the book, their sides just as close, and Kakashi’s hand skimmed once or twice over (Y/N)’s when he tried to underline his opinion and flipped through the pages.

(Y/N) didn’t even flinch at the touches.

Sakura’s smile widened by a margin. Well, maybe they didn’t have to do so much, after all. Apparently, Kakashi-sensei could be much smoother than he appeared to be (considering he couldn’t even read out a simple “I love you” without stuttering when it came to deciphering a secret message to warn Konoha about a potential threat (and yes, of course Naruto told her that!)) and (Y/N)-san seemed much more comfortable in their (his?) proximity than before the incident at her hometown.

Maybe, they both just needed a helpful push here and there and nothing more.

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“Don’t you hunt for food at all?” you asked a few days into your travels. The team was in the middle of putting up their tents, while you had built a small cod for yourself made out of moss and grass. The sun was hanging low behind the trees, orange rays of light shining through the branches and a little campfire was happily crackling in the middle of this controlled chaos of Naruto and Sasuke playfully fighting with each other, Sakura trying to remind them to stop fighting for a few seconds and Kakashi not bothering to listen to the misfits, nose buried again in his book.

When you spoke up, all of them suddenly stared at you like you had grown a second head or something.

“Sometimes,” Kakashi finally said after a few more moments of uncomfortable silence, “but mostly we eat dried foods, soldier meals and similar things. When we would hunt in enemy territory, other shinobi could notice disruptions in the ecosystem.”

“But right now,” you gestured around, “you aren’t in enemy territory, aren’t you?”

“I guess not.” Kakashi’s eyes creased again in the telltale sign of an invisible smile. “Do you want to hunt?”

“Yes”, you answered, already scrambling through your backpack, “Or do you want to…?”

“No, no. Please, do what you want to. I can’t stop you.”

“You certainly could.”

His smile widened. “But I don’t want to.”

Over the last few days, you noticed, Kakashi more than once mocked or teased you. Usually, you would’ve thrown some sharp and biting words right back at him, but lately, your heart would beat faster and your face would grow hotter whenever you heard another soft, teasing remark. It was infuriating, it was maddening and it was truly a shame you couldn’t make him feel the way you did with a simple, just as mocking retort.

The same thing happened which always happened. You could feel the tips of your ears growing redder and hotter by the second, but played it off by digging deeper in your backpack and only coming up when you finally found what you were looking for.

“Alright. Then, I will hunt for us tonight.”

The misfits eyed the slingshot in your hands with enough amused curiosity that you wanted to throw some rocks at them.

Sasuke said what probably all of them had on their mind, in a belittling tone that you really, really wanted to throw a rock right into his perfectly sculpted nose. “Are you sure about that? We could go on the hunt and probably be faster than you, even when we would tie our hands behind our backs. Especially with that kind of… weapon.”

He had the audacity to make jokes of your slingshot. Now, he had done it.

You stood up so quickly that Naruto and Sakura flinched. Eyes directly set onto Sasuke, you moved around the little space between the trees, too small to be called a clearing at all. When you found a fitting stone, you held it out to him, showing off how normal and boring it was. Sasuke was still smiling, in his usual arrogant and confident way, like he wanted to say: “Go on, I will watch how you make a fool out of yourself.”

The feeling of your slingshot was an old friend as you dropped the stone into the little dip at the end. Another look at the misfits (you ignored Kakashi, fully knowing he enjoyed the play in front of him far too much), and you started to swing the sling. Faster and faster, the thin, well-worn leather whistling through the air. Still looking at Sasuke, you let go in just the right moment. The stone flashed through the air, only to collide with a young tree. Just a few meters apart from Sasuke. The entire trunk shook, bark splintered, the tree groaned. All three of the misfits jerked around, only to gasp and look horrified at the fist-sized hole going right straight through the tree.

“Never,” you said and acted like you didn’t hear the silent chortle in your back, “underestimate a slingshot. And never underestimate my slingshot.”

You made your point. A last pointed look at Sasuke, then you went right into the woods. Not able to hunt? You? Please. Eating roots and berries only got you so far. Your inner radar was perfect to find even the most hidden rabbits and deer, and after years of perfectionating your knowledge, you were also pretty good at locating your prey. Even when you were a tiny bit rusty, since your last hunting session had been some weeks ago, after a few training shots at different bushes and trees you found on your way deeper into the woods, the old security in your skills came back.

You would show Sasuke, that arrogant prick.

Your biting need to triumph over the smugness of the broody teen wasn’t to be underestimated. It took you only an hour to find three fat, happy rabbits and take them down. Peeling the fur off and gutting the animals was also second nature to you, just as much as burying the intestines in the ground as a kind of repayment. You took the lives of these animals to survive yourself. One could think that went against the principles of your mother, but these teachings laid so many years in the past. Every life was important and shouldn’t end before its time was there.

Well, you nearly had died in your first years during the winter due to not having any food available. Since then, you just lived with the fact you were irredeemable at that point and would never take more from the forest than you really needed.

Quickly, you made your way back to the group. The rabbits dangled in your hand as you stepped into the light of the campfire, just as silent as a shadow. Only Kakashi looked up, the misfits were settled around the fire and waited with their backs turned to you.

“Here.” You nearly slapped Sasuke in the face with the dead, bloodied, naked rabbits. “Hurry up. I’m hungry.”

“You’re back,” he said, “and pretty fast too.”

“I’ve hunted for more years than you have lived, child.”

“I’m not a child anymore.”

“Strange. You act like one.”

Of course, Sasuke wanted to perk up, argue more, but before that could happen, you gave him a little nod, which could mean either apology or appeasement, before looking into the round. Again, avoiding Kakashi’s amused eyes. “So… Who wants to eat?”

Surprisingly enough, Naruto took over from there. He had the three rabbits faster on three sticks to turn them over the fire than a wolf could’ve eaten said three rabbits. With a sigh, you lowered yourself again into the grass, legs crossed and skirt draped over your legs.

Suddenly, a flask was shoved into your face.

“I can still smell the blood on you,” Kakashi didn’t look up from the fire, “and if I can, other animals can too.”

Right. Your hands were still covered in the blood of the rabbits. With another nod, you thanked him and took the flask out of his hands. Blessed and cool water washed away the dried blood. You made sure to even get some water under your fingernails, that even the smallest bits would be gone. The flask was still half-full when you handed it back to him, accompanied by a quiet “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

A silent companionship settled between the two of you. Another side effect of the last days you spent arguing and bickering over the books you both liked. And maybe, it was also the aftermath of sharing his past with each other, of sharing the terrible past and the first attempt of trying to mend the present and possible future. While Naruto was turning the rabbits over and over, grilling them slowly and blabbering about this and that to Sakura and Sasuke, you threw a little glance at Kakashi. Just a little glance, nothing more than a flutter of your eyes.

Still, his eyes were already there, locking with yours. And they were stuck. What was at first a little glance quickly turned into moments of looking at each other, Kakashi sitting on his bedroll and you sitting in the grass, hands still wet from water and blood. Just looking, breaths echoing uncomfortably loud in your ears and still unable to break the connection.

“(Y/N)-san,” with a startle, your head flew around to stare at Naruto, who didn’t notice what happened between his sensei and you, “I just have a tiny question, believe it.”

“Sure. Ask away.”

“Why didn’t you use your powers to hunt? I mean, that would be easier, wouldn’t it?”

Sakura was already in the motion of jumping up and scolding her teammate, but you raised a hand. It was a valid question, after all. “I don’t like to use my powers that way. One death I have caused that way is enough, isn’t it?” you asked, dryness clinging to every word.

No one said anything. They just stared at you wide-eyed.

Huh. Maybe it’s too early to joke about it.

“Sorry,” you sighed, “old habit. I also don’t want to be too dependent on my gift. You have seen what it does to me. How weak I become. Small tasks are in the range of possibility, sure, but I… I didn’t want to be held down if it would ever come to me and my gift alone, you know?”

Instead of the disbelieving stares you expected to get, all of the misfits nodded in understanding.

“It sure is handy to be skilled,” Sasuke said, eyes closed and apparently deeply in thought, “especially when it comes to survival in the wilderness.”

“Can you also set traps?” Sakura asked, already reaching for her pouch where she carried her notebook and pencil. “Like, big ones? For deer and other bigger wildlife?”

“Yes, of course.” You stuttered out. Their attention was almost overbearing in its intensity. “However, I haven’t used them in a while, so I might be rusty…”

“No worries! Just explain them to me, or even better,” the girl stepped right in front of you, the notebook and pencil shoved into his face, “Could you maybe draw one down for me? I would love to compare your principle with the ones we get taught in the academy. Our sensei from back then encountered some difficulties in his latest class and I would like to help him.”

“He, Sakura-can!” Naruto shouted. “I told you! Iruka-sensei told me and I told you, believe it!”

“And I also want to help him out!” the girl instantly gave back.

Their bickering went on, but with the practice of the last weeks under your belt, you tuned them out. With a little force, you managed to tug the notebook out of Sakura’s relentless grip, also tugged the pencil free, and started to draw a rough sketch of one of your traps.

They would be finished just in time to hand out the food. (Also an experience you made over the last few weeks.)

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The longer they travelled, the more Kakashi found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, he immensely enjoyed the company of another adult who liked his Icha-Icha-books, who was rolling their eyes at the attics of the “misfits”, who was capable of handling themselves and contributed to their meals, who was easy-going and didn’t complain because they were already used to hardship, who bore hours of silence with the same kind of lightness they would engage in an easy conversation. Often enough, he found himself in a situation where he had to escort clients back and forth, travelling for months around and by foot. More often than not, these clients weren’t used to anything the travels would throw at them, seemed whiny and quickly exhausted and tended to waste resources.

(Y/N) was none of that. And that was the core of his problems, together with the already existing attraction to her in the first place. He noticed now… things. Very, very disturbing and dangerous things. Things like, the way her nose scrunched up when one of her short-lived genuine smiles flashed over her face. The sound of her voice when she got excited, finally broke away from her usual muted self and engaged a conversation. The sight of her bare shoulders and arms, always revealed due to her sleeveless tops and steeled through years of handling an axe and living all alone in the forest. The short moments when they touched accidentally, either hands brushing together, their knees touching while sitting together and brooding over his copy of Icha-Icha (she left “hers” in the small space in the small chamber below the cabin, she said), or the nudge of her shoulder into his when they would walk side by side. It was almost ridiculous, how much Kakashi craved for these small moments, how much he looked forward to these mere seconds, only to want more instantly when they passed by.

Deep down, Kakashi knew what was happening. Deep down, he already acknowledged that his former not-fully developed crush was by now a fully grown… thing, all fluffy and cuddly and looking for attention. But on the outside, he was still struggling with everything. (Y/N) was a client, for heaven’s sake! She was vulnerable, would find herself in a strange environment and had to try to adjust to life with a lot of people in a relatively small space. She would need to learn to trust her control; over herself and over her own powers, over her quickly flaring temper and her irritation. There was so much wrong with their situation. So much.

And still.

He couldn’t help it. Kakashi always liked people who were capable and foremost, knew they were capable. The evening when (Y/N) wordlessly showed Sasuke how deadly her slingshot was and came back with three rabbits in under an hour was maybe one of the most impressive experiences he had the pleasure to make so far. But that wasn’t by far the only memory which would make him get hot under the collar. Over the weeks they had travelled together by now, (Y/N) casually showed Sakura a rare plant to cure a disease he couldn’t even spell the name of (the girl had screamed in joy, before starting to dig out the plant with its roots to bring back to the greenhouses of Konoha), hunted almost every evening, out of all of them (experienced shinobis, and this wasn’t their first travel by far!) was the quickest in finding a little lake or river to camp next to for fresh water and fresh fish, would make fire and search for firewood, her makeshift beds made out of moss and grass seemed even more comfortable than his worn-out, old and a bit smelling bedroll, made tea out of fresh leaves she found along the way, and even quickly made some makeshift lotion for insect bites when they encountered a particular nasty swarm of these bloodsuckers. All of that was an almost arrogant, confident and calm aura around her. She knew what she was doing, every step, every grip of her hands was calculated and born out of experience and knowledge.

If that wasn’t a huge turn-on, he didn’t know what else could be.

But not only that. During their talks, Kakashi always had this strange feeling of… understanding. Deep and elementary understanding. She was nothing but honest and upfront, but would listen. When he was stating an opinion, all of her attention was on him. (Y/N) didn’t care for his face or body, for his reputation or outer image. For her, Kakashi was just an awkward man who liked to read erotica, who sometimes stared with a solemn expression on his masked face into the sky when he was supposed to stay on guard in the middle of the night, who would tease and mock and smile when she pouted.

She didn’t know he would be Hokage. The others were already a bit stand-offish, acted like he was already sitting behind the desk. Even Team 7 as a whole was already on their toes, and that already hurt Kakashi. He never wanted that rank, loathed the respect coming alongside it, but out of all people, out of all the people he knew. Gai, Tenzo, Kurenai, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura… He didn’t want (Y/N) to look at him any differently than now.

Kakashi’s brain ran itself ragged, all the while he was staring at her sleeping body, curled up in her bed of moss and grass. The misfits had done the same as her, not bothered with the tents and just placed their bedrolls on the ground and went to sleep. They knew that when (Y/N) didn’t bother to build a roof over her head, they didn’t need to, also.

She looked so… small. Curled up like a child, hurdled into the soft grass, seeking for some warmth. When (Y/N) was awake, there was always something about her. She seemed taller, full of calm energy. Now, her chest slowly rose and sank in a calm rhythm. The usual energy was missing, but he also liked this state. When she was sleeping, he could look at her to his heart’s content, and she wouldn’t notice.

Absentmindedly, he reached up and gripped into his bulky flak vest. Right over his quickly beating heart. The beat was unforgiving and fast, telling him so much and yet so little about what he was thinking falling… falling in…?

He was hesitant to say it out loud, to actually think about it, but it was true.

I’m so done for.

Kakashi looked up when a sharp, cold breeze rustled through the leaves above him. Untypically cold for a summer night. He would bet on rain in the next few days. Another sharp breeze followed, and this time, he turned his head quickly enough to notice how her unprotected body shivered. Only the slightest bit, a mere tremor and a little inching of her limbs closer to her torso.

She didn’t have a blanket. Naruto offered her his spare one, but she declined. Still not used to simple kindness without an afterthought. Like that, (Y/N) could only sling her arms around herself to protect herself from any coldness. Until now, almost three weeks into the travels, that had worked so far, but apparently, fall was coming early to Konoha.

So close. So close to the village.

Before he could think, hell, before Kakashi even aware what he was doing (his instincts in battle were much more useful than in everyday life), he stood up from his spot and silently slipped out of his vest. A few pats to make sure none of the kunais were poking through the material, then he sneaked over to her side. He held his breath when he dropped the vest over her upper body, waiting and carefully assessing if (Y/N) would wake up and reject him and his silent offer.

But no, she didn’t wake up. Didn’t open her eyes, didn’t move. She just continued sleeping, with peacefully closed eyes and a relaxed face. However, Kakashi noticed that her body relaxed a little bit and that the small shiver he didn’t notice before, stopped almost completely. His flak vest was full with his body warmth, the material perfect to keep someone warm throughout the deepest winter and cool during the hottest summer. Seeing (Y/N) covered with his vest, filled with his warmth…

A delicious shudder wandered down his back. Heat rose into his face and made him nearly groan in embarrassment, but then the danger of someone waking up would’ve been too high. The risk of being seen in this unbelievably sappy display of his hopeless crush made Kakashi shut his mouth so tightly his lips hurt, before quickly sinking back against the tree he had leaned onto before his thoughts drifted off, into her direction. Only when his back was again safely braced against the hard bark of the tree, Kakashi allowed himself to hide his entire face in his hands, steadily shaking his head and groaning wordlessly.

Yes, he was so done for. So incredibly, unbelievably, stupidly done for. Before, he didn’t know if he liked this feeling. This plummeting, tumbling, falling feeling, always awakened by a little smile of hers.

Now, he was sure. He liked it, liked to feel that way, but wasn’t sure if it was right to feel this way.

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You woke up to the feeling of something heavy resting on your chest. Confused, you breathed out, before yawning, stretching and rolling around, mewling to yourself, before sitting up. The flak vest which had covered you fell into your lap, clinking slightly from all the hidden weapons inside. For a few more moments, you just stared blankly at the dark green, then finally looked around.

To be honest, you really didn’t need to look around. There was only one person who wore this flak vest, and you would recognize the scent clinging to the vest anywhere (as embarrassing as it sounded). But Kakashi had the habit of sleeping in a tree when he offered to guard the little camps during nighttime and sometimes, he wouldn’t sleep at all. Not that there was one sign of an awake night ever disturbing him or showing in his behavior.

Only Sakura was visibly awake as you looked around, but you suspected that Sasuke just pretended to be asleep, too. At least, Naruto was out like a light, snoring lightly, arms and legs outstretched and taking up so much space that you would fear for his joints if you wouldn’t know that this was his usual way of sleeping.

“Sakura?” you called out, more of a yelled whisper than anything. She perked up, hair a bit disheveled by sleep, but she was already trying to fight the unruliness with her fingers and a comb.

“Yes?”

“Can you tell me where Kakashi is? Apparently, I have something,” you raised the surprisingly heavy vest into the air, “to give back to him.”

Instantly, a smile flashed over Sakura’s face. “Sure. I think he went to the river to catch some fish for breakfast. At least, he went into that direction.”

“Thank you.” Silently, you got up and just in time, caught Sasuke shutting his eyes again. You snorted lowly, but didn’t alert anyone. The broody teen was surely allowed to pretend to be asleep, you had no say in that matter.

With the heavy flak vest in your hands, carefully folded and hanging over your arm, you made your way into the forest. The earth was soft beneath your feet, not full of jaded rocks or plants who defended themselves with thorns. A welcomed change. You had travelled far over the last three weeks or so, far farther than you ever would’ve imagined.

The woods had changed around you. Gradually, step for step. From the old pine trees and even older oak trees, their leaves and shadow giving home and food to animals and shadow to rest in for all creatures in the forest, to the younger, less durable trees around you. A fresh wood, merely a few decades old, younger than the hundreds of years other trees lived through.

Gently, you reached out and stroked over the bark of a particular young one. The green of its leaves was just a shade shy off the young grass to your feet, bark still smooth to the touch and not marred by years of life. A small smile graced your face, then your hand dropped again to your side.

Finding Kakashi was a little bit more important than marveling at the youth of a tree.

A few more minutes, spent in silence and listening to the wind bristling through the tree crowns above you, then you stepped into the light again. Just a small, open river, with a few fishes frolicking in the water. It wasn’t hard to spot Kakashi, not at all.

However, seeing a bare back, seemingly endless pale skin and drops of water hanging from the lowest of silver strands in the back of his neck surely wasn’t what you expected. You gasped, swiveled around in the same moment Kakashi cocked his head to the side, the sharp line of his jaw just as bare as his upper body.

“Maa,” his low rumble made the flush in your face grow even hotter, “Apparently, we have a theme going on here.”

“I’m sorry,” for a second, you feared you spoke too weakly and you had to repeat yourself, but a low rumble from Kakashi’s throat urged you forward, “Sakura just told me you were gone to the river. I didn’t expect… Well, I certainly didn’t want to interrupt.”

“It’s only fair.” A few splashes of water, a tired sigh. “A peak for a peak, isn’t it?”

“That’s… that’s really not how that goes. I wanted to bring you your vest.”

Another short hum. “Oh, really? I didn’t realize my vest was missing.”

“Kakashi…”

“Present.”

“How did your vest land on me?”

“That’s a kind of a funny story, actually. There was a pack of squirrels, you see, really evil squirrels, crafty too, because they managed to drag the vest away from me, and-!”

You sighed, and gently started to tap your index finger against the sturdy material bunched up in your hands. “You can joke as much as you want, but we both know this vest can neither drop onto me as lightly as it did without waking me up, can’t fly, can’t walk on its own, and surely wasn’t kidnapped by a bunch of rabies-driven squirrels.”

“Your point?”

“How did this vest land on me without me noticing and without you…?” You let your voice fade into the air. The implication was clear, the intent even clearer, but a sudden knot in your tongue kept you from actually spelling out what was on your mind.

Suddenly, Kakashi’s voice was much closer than you anticipated. Merely a few meters away instead of the reasonable distance before.

“My apologies. I wasn’t aware it would be bothering you.” he said. A little shudder wandered down your back, followed by pictures of the man still being naked from the waist upwards, his unmasked face, water dripping from his hair-!

Dangerous thoughts. Way too close to the Icha-Icha-books. Totally unrealistic. Why should he?

Apparently, your silence only strengthened his belief. His feet shuffled through the grass as he took another step closer, directly standing behind you. A hand reached around, without the usual glove and pale and still wet, tugging at the vest. “You looked… cold in your sleep. I just wanted to make sure you wouldn’t freeze. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Kakashi sounded… dejected. Not obviously, of course, but the slight undertone in his explanation, the instant need to explain his actions, the apology…

Out of instinct, your grip on the vest tightened when he tugged once more. “No,” your tongue stumbled over the single word, “No. It was… It was appreciated. Thank you.”

“Was it?”

“Yes.”

“And you aren’t…?”

“What?”

He snorted. “Angry? Annoyed? Absolutely, amazingly-?”

“One more stupid alliteration, and I’m gone. And no,” you exhaled, “I’m not… annoyed.”

Your heart was thrumming in your chest. Fluttering, like the wings of a delicate hummingbird. It seemed to want to escape, fly right out of your throat, no, breaking straight out of your ribcage to free itself. To fly away, far away and never come back.

Or did your heart want to simply be closer to Kakashi?

Another, steadying breath in, then, you dared to turn around. Kakashi was much closer than you anticipated, much, much closer than you ever hoped. Only slowly, his arm dropped to his side, the again masked face just a few inches apart from yours. If you would’ve reached out with your fingers, still crossed over your chest, you would’ve been able to touch him, the soft fabric of his dark shirt, the barely concealed planes of his chest. If you weren’t completely off, you could even feel the pressure of Kakashi’s exhales, steady and calm. Could smell his own scent of dog hair, weapon oil and lightning.

You weren’t prepared for this. Not at all. No book, no matter how explicit it was, and no words could grasp how absolutely unnerving it was to stand so close to someone you liked. Liked more than a mere friend, liked in a different way than a family member. Nothing could compare to this, and in this very moment, you realized how absolutely screwed you were.

Your mind blurred like you suffered from a mild heat stroke. Too long exposed to the sun, and your sun had been Kakashi, throughout the entire travel. You had spent hours of walking beside him, hours of talking, hours of comfortable silence which reminded you of your clearing, hours in his proximity. He was comfortable to be with, comfortable to be around, and more. So much more than you could think of while you stood too close to the sun, who waited and waited for a follow-up explanation on your chopped sentence.

Kakashi cocked his head, a gesture you had seen him do so many times already, but now it was painted the soft pink of a gerbera by the full embrace of your feelings for him.

“Yes?” he repeated.

“I’m… I’m not annoyed,” you echoed, swallowed, tried to find your usual composed self, but couldn’t find it anywhere, “I was… I really was cold.”

The little creases around his eyes deepened. “I noticed.”

“I’m sorry you had to give up your vest for me.”

“No worries. I had my bedroll.”

“I’m…” The vest twitched upwards, jingling as the hidden weapons inside were moved. “I’m really grateful. Thank you, Kakashi.”

“Really,” his little chuckle made your stomach churn, but in this special good way which also made your heart beat even faster in return, “as I said. It wasn’t a problem.”

“Alright. Uhm… Then, here you go. Your vest.”

“Sure.” You could feel yourself flush even further when Kakashi’s fingers brushed over the back of your hand as you handed him his vest back. You were tempted to just keep sticking so close and enjoy the proximity, but it would’ve been too much. It was probably just you feeling that way. Kakashi could probably choose between hundreds of people who would fall in front of his feet and wasn’t interested in a dirty, lonely witch, walking around on bare feet and with leaves and twigs regularly stuck in your hair.

You took a hesitant step back. And then another, just to be sure and safe. No pounding heart, no fluttering feeling in your chest. Two tiny steps, but you still could clearly see the shadow falling over Kakashi’s eyes.

You couldn’t explain nor understand what happened, but you clearly understood that that something which happened was bad. But bad for whom?

Kakashi quickly shrugged on his vest. Long fingers dragged the zipper upwards, until the man was his usual, flak-vest-wearing self, plus his hands deeply buried in the pockets of his pants. Guarded, protected. Unreadable.

“We should go back,” he looked up, checking the sun and you copied him, “it’s getting late. If we’re fast today, we will arrive Konoha in three days or so.”

“Sure.” Your arms felt empty and far too light as you walked back into the woods, Kakashi always on your heels. You were terribly aware of his presence. Of the soft sounds of his feet in the grass, the soft crinkling of his uniform, even the slightest sound behind you which could potentially come from him made your heart jump into your throat.

Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. This is really, really bad.

He was your very first… crush. The very first person you felt this way about. There never had been anyone else, no one to treat you with enough respect and equality to ever develop this kind of feelings. The forest, the village and you, this all just had existed for you in your life.

Avoiding Kakashi would be impossible, so you probably just had to get over it. Yes, seriously that was the best course of action. Hard to do, with the close proximity and all of that, and avoiding one of your new… friendly acquaintances was surely a safe way to isolate yourself in the village. Where you didn’t know anyone. Not a single soul.

Pained, you closed your eyes while trudging along the invisible path, until the small camp came into view, where Naruto had started to prepare breakfast with the occasional help of Sasuke, while Sakura was busy cleaning up the camp as best as she could. You glanced over your shoulder, meeting Kakashi’s masked face and smiled weakly when his eyes creased in a smile of his own.

You couldn’t lose a single one of them. So, looking at the devil straight in the eyes it was, then.

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Really, just three days later, around midday, you stood right in front of a pair of mighty gates, wide open and showing a village. Well, parts of a village. Even from here, you could hear the hammers, shouts and heavy construction going on, just as much as see it.

With wide eyes you looked at the gates. Stared at them, at the seemingly endless wall to its left and right, looked down to the seamlessly paved way, further down to your dirty, naked feet, all rough, tough skin but… well, terribly dirty, then back up again to a small stand, where two men apparently waited for visitors. Guards, you realized, to check people in and out of the village.

“Aaaah, finally!” Naruto stretched, all smiles and sunshine, arms crossed behind his head. “Oh man, I’m so going to Ichiraku when we report to Tsunade-baa-san! Do you think they are open?”

“They are always open,” Sakura mumbled, “especially for you, savior of the village and of the entire world.”

You ignored their following banter. It was easy enough, you had the experience and anxiety curling in your chest going for you. Instead, you looked again up to the massive gates, much bigger than you had ever seen. They even exceeded the surrounding trees and seemed to nearly touch the sky from your point of view.

Your fingers clawed into the straps of the backpack. This. This was it. Konohagakure. A shuddering breath left your mouth, but not a single muscle was moving, even when you tried to will them to do so. Your struggle went unnoticed by the misfits, who already wandered towards their home, relaxed as they could be and chattering about this and that.

Behind that gate, people waited. Many, many people. You could almost feel how you already rejected the reality, even after the long way you undertook to get here. Your knees were weak, trembling slightly as you tried to take a step forward, a step backward, anything. Just moving was impossible. You were glued to your spot, staring full of growing anxiety, nervousness and the first stages of downright panic at the town in front of you.

I can’t do this. I can’t.

There are too many people.

Oh well, too bad. Better get back then, there’s no way I’m fitting in here. Sorry to lead you around like this, but I think I prefer my forest, after all. Was nice to know you and nice to have my very first crush.

Thanks for the experience, but no thanks.

Then, a warm, soft touch at your shoulder. You jerked around, staring directly into Kakashi’s eyes. Of course, he noticed your inner turmoil. Of course, he did.

“Everything alright?” he asked, lowly, to not alert the rest of the team. His hand on your shoulder already withdrew, but for a short second, you wished he would’ve kept touching you.

You tried to say something, anything, but your tongue didn’t move. Instead, you weakly shook your head. It was the truth, a blind fool would’ve noticed than nothing was “alright”.

“Scared?” Kakashi kept his voice still low. “Nervous?”

“Both,” you finally managed to bring out, “It’s… it’s such a big village. I don’t know if I…?”

“Do you want to go back?”

The simple question held so much more implications than just a simple question if you wanted to go back. Kakashi also asked between the lines if you wanted to go back. Go back to the person you were before they arrived at the clearing and dragged you out onto this crazy travel, go back to being defensive, aggressive, lonely person you had been before without realizing it, go back into the pit of self-loathing and not attempting to crawl out of it.

Go back to your village.

At the mere thought of returning to them, bile rose in your throat. No, under no circumstances. So, you shook your head and Kakashi’s soft smile underneath his mask strengthened your resolve. “Good,” he said, “because none of them would let you go back. They are far too excited and glad you got away from there,” he jerked his head back down the road where you came from, “to allow you to back out.”

None of them? Did that also include him?

Stupid hope. Just stop it. It’s ridiculous.

Apparently, Kakashi took your silence as a wordless agreement. He pulled away and out of instinct, you reached out. Your fingertips graced the fabric of his shirt, right over his elbow, before you flinched backwards, clutching your own hand to your chest like your life depended on it.

“Sorry,” the words still tasted like ash on your tongue, but it was better to apologize than to risk that he was angry at you, “I didn’t… It wasn’t my intention. To touch you. Sorry.”

“Maa, it’s alright. What do you say?” Hands in his pockets, he slightly angled the arm you reached out to, giving you even better access to it if you wanted. “Care to join me?”

You didn’t allow yourself to link arms with him, but you still reached out and took a tiny, little edge of his black sleeve. Kakashi was obviously amused by it, the weak snort betrayed him, but you only gave him a soft glare. You were far too nervous for anything more.

One step forward, you reminded yourself, that was all it took. After a few more seconds (damn, the misfits had noticed and started to stare!), you did it, lifted your feet one by one from the ground and walked a little bit beside, a little bit after Kakashi, towards the gates.

Chapter Text

The first thing you noted when you stepped into the Konohagakure was the sheer noise. Out of instinct, your shoulders drew upwards and tried to shield yourself from the onslaught of loud voices bustling in different tones. High, low, rhythmic, growling in the background or totally irregular, everything seemed to pierce your brain at once.

Hell, you were only a few meters into the village! How would it be in the very heart of Konohagakure?

“Everything alright?” Kakashi’s soft voice drifted over. Unbeknownst to you, your grip had tightened, your fingers pinching the thick fabric of his dark shirt. He noticed (he couldn’t not notice it, after all) and turned his head oh so slightly. Just barely an inch.

“Yeah…” 

Despite your answer, subconsciously you drifted closer to him when the first people looked at you. Looked at the dirty and naked feet, looked at the rags you wore, looked at the leaves and thorns in your untamed hair. There were other people who wore the same stuff as Kakashi, other people who wore headbands like the misfits, other people who weren’t at all like the people you knew and trusted. Other people.

You stepped even closer to Kakashi, so close to crawl right into his side. Only the last bits of dignity and pride held you upright and inches away from the promising safety.

When did this happen? When did I become so familiar with Kakashi that I feel safe with him?

Your ears felt uncomfortably hot as you took a step away from him again. No. This was not who you were and what you were. A safe grip onto his sleeve, alright. But no crawling into his vest, goddammit! You couldn’t declare your feelings for him any louder, even if you wanted.

It was hard, though. The more steps you took, the more you were led into the insanity of a big village, the more you could feel the anxiety and panic rise. More and more people crossed your path, so many more people than you ever saw in one place. Their voices meshed together, the distant noises climbing higher and higher, inching closer and closer. The houses around you almost seemed to grow into the sky, more people building and working and talking all over the place. Your head swirled from all the noise. Too many people, the street growing thinner, caging you in. So strange, so loud, and yet…?

Yet nice. Good. Deep down, you liked the noise. It was confusing and panic-inducing, yes, but it also drowned out some of your confusion. To be completely honest, you didn’t know what you were feeling in all its clarity, but one thing was for sure: you were overwhelmed. If now in a positive or negative way, you couldn’t say at this exact moment.

No matter what you imagined what Konoha would look like, no matter how much Naruto tried to describe his hometown to you, you would’ve never imagined this. Many different impressions, of sounds, smells, sights, there were so many colors, so many different smells yet there was something earthy in the madness, something close to nature that continued to draw you in. 

Something that tickled your senses, something that felt familiar to home.

The clothes of other people, the scents of something utterly delicious drifting out of every restaurant you passed. So much to see, so much to experience!

For this alone, it was worth to leave the woods.

“Everything actually alright?” Kakashi looked back over his shoulder, mask crinkled where the corners of his lips curled upwards. “It’s probably a lot to take in.”

“Yeah,” you nodded while staring at a group of women who carried seemingly a dozen different colorful bags with them, giggling among themselves, “indeed. Konoha… is a lot to take in.”

“Nervous?”

“A bit.”

“Do you think your gift,” thankfully, Kakashi lowered his voice to a whisper, “will act up?”

Would it? No, certainly not. Despite the initial panic, your gift wasn’t even moving the tiniest bit. So, you shook your head and his smile widened by a margin, only barely visible in the way his mask crinkled under the sun.

“Good to know,” he whispered, head leaning slightly closer to you that the strange, warm-nauseous feeling reared its head in your stomach again, “just wanted to make sure you’re not scared.”

“I’m not scared!” you instantly hissed back, heat creeping under your collar.

His quiet chuckle said more than enough that he didn’t believe you.

“I’m not!” Another hiss and a tug at his sleeve. “I’m not scared. Nervous, anxious, yes. But not… panicking.”

His voice softened even more, at what the warm-nauseous feeling wandered higher into your chest. “Good. That is very good.”

You couldn’t retort to that. Kakashi sounded sincere; hopeful and light, really like he wanted you to succeed. Probably, he actually wanted you to overcome the hurdles in your way, not deceive you like the villagers would do to make you work harder, longer and more. At the thought, your mind threatened to lean towards the darkness, but Naruto’s loud voice and the happiness radiating from him like light radiated from the sun, kept your mood from tipping over.

“Here, (Y/N)! There is Ichiraku’s! We really have to go there when we have some free time, they have the best ramen in the entire Fire Country! They even have a Naruto Special with all my favorite things inside! Granted,” a rare scowl flashed over his face, “they also add some vegetables, but that’s also fine, because it’s Ichiraku’s Ramen, believe it!”

The small stall stood by the side of the busy road, a half curtain shielding bits of the limited customers inside from prying eyes from the outside. Indeed, a delicious smell whiffed through the air the closer you got, and saliva pooled in the back of your mouth at the mere image of this so-called ramen the scent awoke. Meat, some kind of heavy broth, boiled vegetables and some other stuff you couldn’t identify. Truly delicious and definitely different than anything you ever could’ve cooked in the forest. And definitely worth paying a visit to.

“I would like to.” You smiled smally at Naruto. “It smells delicious.”

“Woohoo! Let’s all go there when we have time!” The boy slung an arm over Sasuke’s shoulder (who instantly struggled out of the hold) and waved towards Sakura. “It will be absolutely awesome, believe it!”

Sakura rolled her eyes, but the little, exasperated tug at her lips told more than enough to know her thoughts. “Ichiraku’s really owes you most of their success and revenue. Do we really have to go there all the time? What about a nice tea shop once in a while?”

“But tea shops are expensive!” Naruto wailed. “My poor Frog-bag would be all flat and small if we go there!”

“I don’t mean all the time, just once in a while!”

Naruto and Sakura’s bickering went onward all the way through the streets. Sasuke followed a few steps behind them, obviously all too happy to not be the target of the strange looks the other people around them gave the fighting pair. You could only stare at their backs and wonder if there was ever a moment in their lives, they unironically and genuinely got along with each other for five consecutive minutes.

“If you wonder if they were really always like that,” Kakashi leaned again closer, “then I can wholeheartedly say yes. Yes. Since the very beginning.”

“I should be used to it by now,” you mused, still watching how Sakura slowly overpowered Naruto with her sheer will, “but I guess being back in their hometown gave them a little extra kick.”

Kakashi sighed lowly. “Yeah. Also like always.”

“And you?” you asked, too quickly and quick in regretting ever opening your mouth. 

He glanced at you, masked face unreadable, before cocking his head slightly to the right. Instantly, under his intense look, you could feel the blood rising into your ears, but you also pressed on. “What do you usually do when you come back? See family? Friends?”

Only seconds later, you wished you hadn’t said anything. Kakashi’s eyes darkened, a curtain falling and closing, hiding even the last bits of entrance to the emotions you could barely decipher. Despite him not brushing you off, loosening the hold of your fingers around his sleeve, you could feel how much he wanted to put some distance between him and you, desperate to get away and desperate to be alone.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, and after a few moments of your anxiety spiking up again, your clenched fingers let go of the comforting piece of fabric, “It’s not my place to ask.”

“No, no…” With a deep sigh, Kakashi turned his face towards the sky. Still nonchalant in his movements, still seemingly at ease and still the elbow invitingly angled that you still could latch onto some crinkles if you wanted and had the courage to reach out again. “It’s… No. No family. The closest I have would be my summons, just because they know me for so long. Dogs,” he added quickly, “maybe I can introduce them to you if you would like?”

“Dogs?”

“Yes. Dogs. A pack of dogs, to be exact.”

“No one else but dogs?”

Kakashi smiled again, wrinkles around his eyes so adorable you thought your heart would jump into your throat at any given moment. “No family, but friends.”

“That’s… that’s good.” And still, he didn’t answer the somehow burning question in your mind. Did Kakashi have a significant other already or not?

I really shouldn’t press the matter. I really, really shouldn’t.

It’s not my place to ask that. Too invasive. Too revealing. Damn, he will realize something is up if I dare to ask directly!

“Are you seeing someone?” Gosh, even thinking of the question makes me want to bury myself in a faraway corner.

Absolutely not. You wouldn’t say this embarrassingly obnoxious question out loud. And what if Kakashi had ten lovers hanging at each of his fingers? What if he shared some of the teases, he shared with you also with other people? You didn’t care, at all.

Even to you and your easily influenced thoughts, this weak try at convincing yourself from a lie were far too weak. It was ridiculous. You never had acted like this, never before in your life! So, why now?

Why now? 

Seriously, such a stupid question, because of these emotions curling in your whole body, of course.

In silence, the two of you followed further down the road. The misfits were still loud and rowdy before you. Over the minutes you two talked, the road had widened gradually, opened up. More and more people were crossing your way; All of them loud and talking, noisy and living. It was better to look around and stare at the passing humans, all of them so vividly different. There, a guy with a basket clinging to his back, without a doubt filled with sellable goods. He spoke with another guy, obviously friendly with each other and used to the antics of the other. Close friends. On the other side, a pair of children played ball, rowdy and bouncing around in their juvenile happiness. Their laughter was shrill and high and telling so much about the state of the village than the newly-built houses all around them. They didn’t worry. They weren’t scared. They enjoyed their life and didn’t fear anything. The children were safe and sound, and while you watched them run past on their short, chubby legs, hunting the colorful plastic ball, you realized that Konoha was stronger than the smaller village you left behind. Maybe the people were all used to it, maybe their houses got destroyed on a regular year-to-year schedule.

Fact was, Konohagakure was peaceful. Gently, you inhaled. For the first time since you entered through the big gates, you dared to freely breathe in. You dared to look at the houses around you, dared to take everything in, dared to ask yourself for the very first time if you could imagine living here. To be part of this noise.

At the thought of living in the heart of the city, your stomach cramped up. Not a good choice. What if your gift would break free? No, definitely not there.

Would you be able to live close to Konoha? At all?

The knot in your lower stomach didn’t loosen up the slightest bit. Definitely a strong no. At the moment, at least. In a few weeks? Maybe, the answer would be different then. You definitely thought it was worth staying for a while, to test out where this would and could lead. Well, if you were allowed to stay.

“How is she?” you asked, looking ahead and spotting a big building at the end of the street, white walls and arcs looming over the roofs of the other buildings. “The Hokage, I mean.”

Kakashi was also staring ahead, eyes set on the same building as you. “Tsunade?” he said, “Oh, she’s like Sakura. If Sakura would have an even hotter temper, love gambling, had debts raking up higher than the reparation costs of Konoha and drinks like a pirate.”

“And that person is your village head?”

“For a few years now. And as you can see,” his voice was tinted with a smile and badly hidden irony, “the village was only destroyed once during her time.”

“You say it like Konoha was destroyed more than once during the reign of one Hokage.”

“It would be a more fitting question when Konoha wasn’t in the state of building itself up again.” He gestured towards a shop to their left, the storefront loaded with books over books. “For the last ten years, my usual bookstore never had any books older than one year. Why? Because the store was never open for longer than a year or two, either burned down, squashed under the belly of a gigantic summon-animal, destroyed by an earth-jutsu…” Kakashi’s sigh was almost comical in its heaviness. “It’s a shame. Four years ago, they had a really comfortable armchair in there, but it was destroyed when the snakes of Orochimaru ran havoc. Would’ve loved to take it when they wouldn’t need it anymore.”

Your head swirled from all the new information. This wasn’t the first time the habitants of Konoha had to rebuilt their homes. There were snakes out there which were big enough to squash an entire block of buildings. Kakashi had a favorite bookstore. He liked comfy furniture. Good information. Important information.

There was no more time left to ask more questions. The road completely opened, spitting their small group directly in front of the huge, white building. Instinctively, you looked upwards, followed the lines of the building with your eyes, right up to the arcs bowing their highest points towards the roof.

Definitely bigger than Yundai’s house.

The comparison alone made you smile. Way bigger than his house on the little hill with the beautifully carved and crafted motifs edged into the wood and showing off how big and important he was. Well, this Hokage was certainly way more important than him.

Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke waited in front of the doors. Apparently, Naruto and Sakura had ended their fight. The blond boy was dramatically sobbing into his sleeve, that even the cold Sasuke sighed full of annoyance and patted him awkwardly on the shoulder, before taking a hasty step back and trying to look like the motion had been pure coincidence.

“There you are!” Sakura was her usual bright self, all smiles and gentleness, even though you knew her monster-like strength. “We wondered if we were too fast for you guys to keep up.”

Kakashi shrugged, hands still stuffed in the pockets of his pants. “Maa, you guys are just too energetic. I explained a bit of our village history to (Y/N), nothing else.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She waved a gloved hand around, smiling at the exchanged jabs. “Let’s just get up there to clear everything up.”

Immediately, your stomach churned again. A judgement, that’s what would happen “up there”. Tsunade, the Hokage, and therefore the person with the authority would have to judge you, if you were fit to stay in the village. Maybe, she would even request a demonstration of your gift, just to see what all the fuss was about. And maybe, just maybe, she would ask you to use your gift for Konoha. However, no matter how she would threaten or offer you, there was no way you would bend to her will. The gift was yours and yours alone, and you already had killed with it. No need to use it against others any more.

Your stare at the doors ahead darkened. No one would be able to force you into something you didn’t want to do and this Tsunade didn’t sound that scary.

Just when you ended that thought, above you echoed the sound of breaking glass. You didn’t even have time to look up before you were harshly pulled aside, out of the way of a massive chair landing right in the spot where you just stood. A single gasp escaped you as you could feel the air whipping past you forced by the sheer power of the motion. Then, your face nearly crashed into a wide chest, breathed in a wonderful whiff of Kakashi’s unique scent and you realized who exactly had pulled you out of the way of the sudden surprise raining down on you faster than you could’ve even react.

Gods, Kakashi had pulled you into his arms, shielding you from the (apparent) danger. One of his hands cradled the back of your head, your features hidden in his vest, his other arm slung around your shoulder with the hand lying comfortably on the curve of your spine.

“Sorry,” his warm voice was closer than ever before, his breath caressing the shell of your ear as he slowly loosened the hold of his arms around you, “old habits die hard, I guess. Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Was that…?”

Kakashi nodded, his chin slightly pressing against the top of your head. “I haven’t seen her do that in a while. Maybe the council angered her again. Their twisted politics were always a thorn in her side.”

“Or Shizune found her secret stash of alcohol.” Sakura carefully stepped around the wrangled mess the chair became and came closer while pulling off her gloves. “Are you hurt anywhere, (Y/N)? Did the chair hit you?”

“No,” you shook your head, “I’m just… surprised.”

“Me too.” The girl scowled as she threw a glance upwards. “I talked to her about this. That is exactly the reason why her habits are so dangerous sometimes. Damn, this really could’ve hurt you.”

Meanwhile, Naruto didn’t waste a single second. One look at the smashed chair, another at you still cradled against Kakashi’s arms, then the blond was up and ran up the wall leading to the broken window.

Of course, Sasuke was the least impressed by everything. Only a slight wrinkle of his nose told that he and this Tsunade weren’t really friends nor close, but when you noticed that he deliberately let go of the handle of his katana and met your eyes, only for a soft blush spread over his face and abruptly turn away.

Aw, a little sign he also worries about me. I want to tease him even more for that.

Despite that little mean urge, you just had to smile to yourself. Sasuke might act cold and aloof, but still came to like you, and you had the feeling it was pretty hard to get him to like someone. So, when your eyes met again, you peeking over Kakashi’s shoulder and Sasuke looking up from the ground, you actually managed to give him a thankful nod. His blush deepened, but he nodded sharply back, before acting like that motion never existed in the first place between the two of you.

Really, really cute.

Kakashi was still holding onto you, but when you moved the tiniest bit your arm (you had no idea what you planned to do, maybe grasp onto his shoulders? His hands? His face? Who knew?), he instantly let go. Finger for finger, one by one.

“Sorry.” Nothing betrayed if he was uncomfortable or otherwise, not his voice and surely not his face, “I didn’t notice. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No. Everything is fine.” Inwardly, you flinched at that harsh, cold tone you unwillingly put up. With a few quick flicks of your wrists, you dusted non-existent dirt off your clothing, only to wrinkle your nose in irritation at the chair. “What a nice, warm welcome. Never expected that, that’s for sure.”

Loud voices started to echo in the air, once Naruto’s agitated words, asking over and over why “Tsunade-baa-chan” needed to throw a chair out of the window, and this Tsunade droning on and on about her emptied stash of alcohol, that she wasn’t drunk enough for a sunny midday, that Shizune was a nosy secretary and that during her last weeks, the people should give her some slack…

“We better get up there.” Kakashi shook his head. “If we leave them alone like that a bit longer, they are ready to rip the other’s head off.”

“But aren’t they friends or something? Naruto always spoke really fondly of Tsunade.”

“Yeah, friends. With the same hot-blooded temper and easy to anger temperament.” With a sigh, Sakura placed her hands in the crock of her hips. “They are like flintstones. When they are put together, sparks fly and set everything around them on fire.”

Indeed, when you entered the building after Sakura and wandered through the mostly empty hallways, climbed the stairs and stared at the pictures hanging on the walls, the voices of the two were only growing louder the closer you came. Despite the noise, the sheer atmosphere carried something deeply official and important with it, like at any given moment, you would encounter someone who was standing so high on the social hierarchy that there was nothing else left for you but to step aside in shame, bare and dirty feet fully on view.

Well-known shame curled deep down in your stomach at the thought of stepping in front of the Hokage. But turning around wasn’t an option now, not anymore. Before you could have more than slight doubts, Sakura stopped in front of a door and raised her hand to knock. The screams had quietened a bit, but were still loud enough to be understood clearly through the closed door.

“You know, I think she would be awesome to have around, believe it! She knows a lot and even though she seems cold and harsh, she’s really cool!”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. She’s cool. Though you said, her experience with gardening and medical herbs is extraordinary?”

“Yes! See, I accidentally reached into a vine and got lots of pricks stuck in my hands, even in the arm you made for me, but she got all the pricks out. And the poison of them, too!”

“A fire vine? Wait, how severe was the-?”

“Oh, dozens of them!” Naruto sounded like it was an accomplishment to be proud of. “It felt like my hands were on fire all the time!”

“A pretty severe case then… Not that I expected anything else from you, you brat.”

“Hey!”

“I think that’s enough,” Sakura mumbled and pushed the door open. Not an ounce of the earlier hinted knock on the door. “Of course, he had to bat for you the second he steps into her office.”

I mean, that’s really nice of him?

The office of the Hokage wasn’t big or pompous at all like you imagined. You stepped inside and cautiously looked around, taking in the lonely suuculent to the right, the pictures of some really official looking men above the door (previous Hokage? They all looked pretty intimidating.), some file cabinets with scrolls stacked to the left and a row of windows right behind the desk, giving a truly spectacular view over the village. Of course, one of the windows was wide open, the glass broken and inviting a soft breeze into the room.

Behind the desk stood maybe the most intimidating woman you ever had the doubtful pleasure to meet. Only Umi would be able to stand up against this leader, with her blonde hair bound into two pigtails, the green coat and the visible annoyance curling the blood-red coated lips.

Her honey-colored eyes immediately flittered to you as you entered, her gaze sharp as she watched and assessed you like a cougar, waiting for a chance to strike. Tsunade was standing at her desk, back straight and one hand lightly resting on the surface of the smoothened wood, before her stance relaxed the tiniest bit when Kakashi came into her view. Despite her confidence, she couldn’t be older than 25. On her forehead blinked a blue mark and you could feel power radiating from it in short, harsh waves, telling of care and repair, but also of death and destruction.

One particular thought though swirled through your head as her demanding voice already came to life.

How in the world is she able to stand straight with these massive, enormous breasts?

“Aah, Kakashi,” she said and crossed her arms under her chest, “Welcome back to Konoha. Finally, someone who can explain the results of this mission with important details.”

He lowered his head the tiniest bit. “Tsunade-sama. It’s good to be back.”

Now, her focus switched back to you. Out of instinct, your back straightened and again, you desperately wished you would wear some nicer clothes. “And you must be the infamous (Y/N)-san. Naruto told me a lot about you.”

“He also told me a bit about you.”

A tug at her lips told you that you were on the right path with her. “Yes, he’s notorious for not keeping his mouth shut when it’s appropriate.”

The blond boy in question perked up. “I just told her that you would really like her garden, you know? And (Y/N) was really interested in my arm, so I thought I could tell her a little bit about-!”

Tsunade waved off his explanation, but her eyes were warm and brimmed with the affection she harbored for Naruto. “It’s alright, brat. I’ve heard enough from you for today. You three are dismissed,” she nodded at the misfits, “for now, at least. Come in later on when you had the medical check, then I will take your side of the mission.”

Her words were law. None of the misfits protested, just looked at you in a strange mix of hope and worries, then they left. The office now felt strangely empty, with just the three people inside and so much space between the desk and yourself. However, you didn’t dare step closer. An old fear rearing its ugly head made you drop your own head and wait for judgement, purely out of long-learned instinct in front of authority.

But Tsunade wasn’t interested in you. “Kakashi, I already know some parts of it due to the report you sent to me three days ago. Fill me in on the details.”

While Kakashi, like the good and well-trained soldier he was, reported to his superior, your thoughts started to drift off. You listened to him talk about how they found you in the forest, all alone and aggressively defensive, how Team 7 needed to verify that you were indeed the monster described in the mission description, to the slow realization that the villagers had over-exaggerated and left out parts of the actual truth that would have classified the mission as higher ranked and more important than it actually was, to the fateful day Team 7 watched you being ridiculed, insulted and stomped on by the village, plus the decision to remove you from the situation and bring you to Konoha.

You already knew this. Lived through it. You didn’t need to listen too carefully.

Bile rose in your throat. Gods, you were so sick of being at the mercy of other people. So sick of being dependent on Tsunade’s good will, dependent on Kakashi to explain properly what happened, dependent on Naruto’s judgement of character. Yes, you appreciated their efforts deeply, would be eternally thankful for them, but a small part of you also struggled to accept such niceness from them so easily, still.

They will betray me. They will show their true faces when I least expect it. They will try to use me, like everyone does, I just need to bide my time and wait. It’s just a matter of time.

No. No, they wouldn’t. You were certain that neither the misfits nor Kakashi would betray you like this. They had respected your wishes so far, gave you room and space to get used to them. Naruto seemed to have lived through a similar ordeal, measured at the hints he sometimes dropped. Sakura’s sympathy in your situation was sometimes suffocating, but definitely appreciated, and Sasuke’s silence would allow you to catch a break from the loudness of the other two whenever you needed it.

And Kakashi… Kakashi gave you his word. He gave you his word to make sure Konoha wouldn’t use you in a similar way your old hometown did. Sure, his responsibility still laid foremost with his village and there was no certainty that he would honor his promise, but you were at least halfway sure that Kakashi would stand by his words.

You felt it. Knew it. His aura told you that he valued people he believed to be close to him. Maybe, you already belonged to that circle. A little bit.

He also slowly reached the end of his report. Carefully and hyper aware of every possible change of mood in the room, you raised your head and glanced at Kakashi. He was standing right by your side, not even a two feet away. If you would lean slightly to your left, your side would brush against his. Even from here, you could feel the heat of his body, permeating the air with its toxic charismatic appeal. You knew it would probably burn you, probably hurt you, but you wanted to just do that: lean against him and bury your nose in the side of his neck, feel the same addictive warmth again and smell the same alluring scent you would from now on always connect to Kakashi…

At this point, you didn’t know if you were hoping that these strange feelings inside your chest were just a side effect of the first nice people you encountered and Kakashi just took the blunt side of it from the misfits, or if it was real, genuine affection and attraction to the man making your heart beat as fast as the wings of a hummingbird.

It feels genuine. Feels real. For Umi and the others, I was also a real monster, while the misfits think I’m not. Guess only time can tell if I’m really into Kakashi.

Suddenly, you found yourself locked with the warm, black eyes. Blood rushed to your face as you whipped your head around to stare at Tsunade, who tried to suppress a little grin spreading over her features.

“Yes?” Gods, hopefully you didn’t daydream for too long and ignored a question one of them asked. Please.

Kakashi chuckled, which caused you to turn your head to him. All the while, more blood seemed to rush into your face and ears, coloring both in a shade similar to wild strawberries. “Tsunade-sama only asked if you really would like to live here in Konoha. Your reason for coming here.”

I really ignored a question. Fuck.

“Sorry,” you mumbled, “I wasn’t… I was deeply in thought.”

The Hokage snorted. “I noticed. Then, I will ask again. (Y/N), what is your own reason for coming to Konoha?”

Your first instinct was to lie. Say that you were overjoyed to be here, that you couldn’t thank them all enough for freeing you from the presence of Yundai and Arata and Noboru and the ghost of Umi, that you couldn’t wait to start your life here. Though, after a few more seconds of intent thinking, you threw away the taught instinct of self-preservation you learned from dealing with Umi; Telling a lie right from the start wouldn’t be right, especially with Kakashi standing right there and listening to the lies he could immediately refute. And who would Tsunade believe more? One of her more trusted subordinates or a stranger with dirty feet and wild hair?

The truth it was. 

You took a deep breath in and tried to meet Tsunade’s intense eyes. “To be honest, I’m wary of what this stay here will offer me. I’m aware that Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke thought it would be good for me to live in an environment where hostility towards me is possibly only the exception, not the norm, however, I know that my talents aren’t really normal and that the behavior I showed towards the team is not acceptable while living in a community. I guess…” Another deep breath out. “I guess being here, is for me a… A chance. A chance to see what I could be if I manage to accept people again as a whole. I won’t outright reject anything, but I can’t promise to not be a danger to your people, if now accidentally or intentional.”

Tsunade nodded her head, her expression scarily fierce in your eyes despite the small smile that tugged at her lips. “Yes, Naruto told me about your powers. He called it a “gift”?”

“It can be,” you answered, knowing what was about to come with the next question, “but also terrible things can be done with it.”

“Would you like to demonstrate?”

Of course.

A quick glance at Kakashi, who nodded weakly. 

You crooked your fingers at a stack of papers on Tsunade’s desk. Like the wind carried them, the papers shuffled around, organized themselves into a neat stack right in front of the woman, whose eyebrows rose right to her hairline at the strange sight.

“I can do more,” another glance at Kakashi, who nodded again, “but I won’t use it to harm people. I also won’t use it to work for anyone. If you think about getting me to work with it, I have to take my leave.”

This was it. Tsunade had to prove herself. Her decision was the first hurdle for you to decide if a permanent stay in Konoha was even possible to begin with. Anxiously, you waited. Counted the seconds in which Tsunade thought about her words. These few seconds seemed like a lifetime, even when they were gone in the blink of an eye.

When the woman shook her head, it felt like a ton of stones dropped from your shoulders. “No, really not. From my point of view, this special talent is entirely yours, like a Kekkei Genkai of one of the shinobi clans living here. I also can’t force them to use their “gifts”,” Tsunade’s lips curled into a smile and automatically, you answered it, “to fight for the village and like that, I also won’t force you. However, the brat was right. I’m interested in the knowledge you have, the herbs and treatment methods you cultivated. If you are willing to share it with the responsible departments, then I would be more than happy.”

There was a short pause, as though your brain had momentarily short circuited at the simple acquiescence that the Hokage offered. This… was definitely something you were not used to, yet… it left an odd warm feeling in your heart.

Lifting your head to look at Tsunade, your dipped your head as a partly relieved, partly happy smile curled onto your lips before politely replying, “That would be my pleasure,” you answered politely.

“Fantastic.” Tsunade scribbled a few short words onto a note, her motions sharp and demanding like the rest of her bigger than life personality. “Alright. (Y/N), with that, I welcome you in Konohagakure, the village hidden behind the leaf.”

A welcome. A warm welcome from a village. They didn’t know you fully but Tsunade still accepted you, even took into account the wishes you voiced when it came to your very special talent. Overthrown, you touched your cheek, felt the telltale wetness and quickly wiped it away. That such a simple sentence could move you to tears…

Usually, you weren’t that emotionally invested. Damn, crying in front of the Hokage and Kakashi certainly was the way to go.

The Hokage picked up the note with the harsh commands and waved it into your direction. “Take this. This will be your temporary permit of residency. Bureaucracy is currently slow with all the applications to build houses and such, but for the moment, this should be enough if anyone asks for it. I will also personally issue Shizune to get started on your official paperwork as soon as possible. That’s what she gets for stealing my drinks.”

“Thank you very much.” Your head was swirling, drowning in the overwhelming confusion that you even forgot your usual reservations when it came to a heartfelt “thanks” at accepting the note with slightly trembling fingers. “I will take good care of it.”

“I have no doubts about that,” Tsunade was already shuffling through the papers, searching for something while throwing everything unwanted to the ground, “If you don’t mind, I will also inform our herb cultivators about your expertise. If you are willing, I would like you to start helping there immediately. Through the destruction of Konoha, we lost quite a few plants and they are still trying to work out a plan with the other villages to regain some of our former collection.”

You blinked; once, twice. “Is that…? A job?”

Tsunade rolled her eyes. “Yes. Yes, it is. Though, I can’t say anything about the salary, which will also depend on the amount of work and influence you will have. Anything else has to be discussed with the head of the cultivators. Currently,” with a little, triumphant “Ha!”, Tsunade pulled a file out of the mess she created, “the head is… Oh. The old one died in the war. A shame, he was great with all the organization. His replacement is Ino Yamanaka. At least she is for the time being.”

Another nod. So many names and new information. You just hoped you were able to remember everything of absolute importance. So many things were thrown at you. A new village, a new job, a new life. Would you be able to live up to the expectations? Would you really be able to help out the cultivators? Would this Ino be a harsh leader? Would she treat you with the same kindness you were still not used to, or would she be an unpleasant experience? Would the other people working with the herbs even be accepting of your help? Would they think you arrogant and opinionated? 

You just hoped you didn’t mess up completely.

“Then there’s still the problem with accommodation…” Tsunade interrupted your train of thought. “As you can see, we’re still in the middle of rebuilding Konoha, housing is limited and we’re also trying to recover from the short war with Madara.”

“Oh, that’s no problem.” Kakashi stepped forward, voice light and secure. “I have a solution.”

Wait, what? Confused, you could only stare at the man. He already had a solution, when you yourself didn't even thought too much about it?

Tsunade seemed to share your confusion, at least partly. “Really?” she mused. “You have a solution? Well then, enlighten me, Hatake.”

The shinobi wasn’t unsettled by anything. Calmly, he proposed something truly outrageous, simply too big to be uttered in a sane mind, something so incredibly terrifying that you were already trying to protest against his proposition before Kakashi even had the chance to close his mouth again. 

“Well, I had to move into a new, bigger home before I went on this mission. There’s more than enough space there, I have a guest bedroom, could assist and accompany (Y/N) if she needs it and can support her in case her gift acts up, which I doubt will happen. I’m also more than willing to open my home to her.”

“What the fuck, Kakashi?”

He shrugged in your direction. “I’m just honest. All these are just facts. I won’t mind. And during our travels together, I can say that you are a pretty easy-going roommate, probably. If worse comes to worst, then we will find another solution.”

Stuttering and sputtering, you tried to find a reason to not live with Kakashi. Hell, anything would be a good reason at this point, really! Living with Kakashi just was wrong, it felt wrong, it would be truly disturbing, and far too close and not close enough, and torturing…

But your tongue couldn’t find the needed leverage, didn’t move like you wanted to, until you realized that stuttering any longer wouldn’t do anything more than make you look like an ungrateful idiot. So, you fell silent and just shook your head.

“Really?” Kakashi cocked his head to the side. “Does living with me sound that bad?”

You bit your bottom lip and said, “No, but I possibly couldn’t impose on you like that.”

“You’re not imposing. I invite you. Really, the house is too big for myself. There are so many rooms that I have no idea what to do with most of the time myself.”

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“You’re really not disturbing me. I would be honored to call you my guest, after you shared your limited resources with us.”

“Fine, but-!”

You wanted to protest further, but apparently, Tsunade had really a short fuse for her temper and even less patience for bullshit and weak excuses. The wood of her desk groaned like a wounded deer as she hit the surface with brute force, so strong that you flinched away even before she started barking at you.

“All of you are indecisive brats in my eyes. Are you living now with him or what? I still have to find Shizune to talk with her about the budget on rebuilding the Ninja Academy and meet up with the teachers there. If we’re finished here, I would like to go on with my day before the council goes on my nerves again!”

There was no discussion possible. On one side was Kakashi, smiling underneath his mask like he couldn’t hurt a fly, on the other side was Tsunade, fuming and waiting to pounce on you if you gave the wrong answer (in her eyes).

You submitted to the cruel fate and nodded.

Instantly, Tsunade’s face cleared up. “Great! Now get out. I really have to do some important paperwork. Kakashi, we still have to talk about-!”

“Yes, yes.” He waved at her over his shoulder, already in the middle of leaving the office. “I’m stopping by tomorrow.”

“10 AM sharp! Not an hour or two late!”

Again, he only waved over his shoulder. With a quick bow, you also took your leave, followed Kakashi into the hallway and tried not to break into a major panic attack at the prospect of living with Kakashi. Living with him. Sleeping in the same space as him. Fuck, only married people and family were allowed to sleep in the same four walls, at least, that had been the rule in your village. Was Konohagakure this open with visitors all the time? Or did Kakashi only open his home for you?

One thing was for certain, living in Konoha would be a lot more adventurous and tense than you anticipated.

Chapter Text

“Well, here we are.” 

The keys in Kakashi’s hands jingled as he pulled them out of his vest and pushed them into the lock of the entrance. 

“Home, sweet home.”

You couldn’t say anything; too mesmerized by the beautiful house. It was simple in its beauty, and beautiful in its simplicity. One of the two things. With your backpack still clinging to your back, the only truly important possessions you owned in this world, you could only stand and stare at the small house on the outskirts of Konoha. It seemed old but well cared for. A thin path led the way through a small garden in front of the house and the bamboo and huge trees peeking over the roof of the house told you that there was some kind of garden also waiting. Measured at the state of the overgrown grass, the totally hidden flowerbeds dormant and filled with truly useless weeds, and the vines growing as wild as nature intended up the stairs to the entrance, nobody had taken a step into the garden for a long time. At least, not a single step to properly take care of the garden, to tend to the plants like they deserved.

Kakashi followed your distressed gaze. He chuckled and raised one arm to scratch the back of his neck. “I know, I know. The Hatake residence has seen better days.”

“Better days? This is a disaster.”

“I haven’t been here for quite some time.”

“Hmm.” 

Another quick look around the neglected garden, then you took the last steps onto the veranda and stepped over the threshold. Kakashi held the door open, all nice and gentlemanly, eyes creased and still not showing what he truly felt like to share his private space with someone. Sure, he offered, apparently willingly and eagerly, but you knew that the man was too talented in hiding his true emotions than to suddenly be an open book.

Or was it only the old wariness rooted in your personality speaking to you?

Hard to say. After you already thought about this problem the whole way from the Hokage Tower to the Hatake residence, you shoved this thought away. Early evening dawned over Konoha when you arrived at your destination, the sky slowly coloring itself in a dim orange-red. Only now, with a destination in sight and possibly a real bed waiting, you could feel the exhaustion creeping into your bones. Travelling for three weeks straight, walking the entire time with your luggage on your back was, after all, not an easy activity.

The entrance area was small, but dark. Stairs led upwards and a just as dark hallway led further into the stomach of this building. The faint smell of dust and freshly polished wood was in the air, but nothing too overbearing. Still, something about this house, or inside this house, made your skin feel slightly itchy and your instincts flare up. The house and garden seemed like for a long time, no one had cared, only to suddenly be reborn. To be used again. Inhabited again.

Kakashi followed you inside while you were still busy taking the lonely atmosphere of the entire place in, closing the door as he stepped over the doorstep. 

“Give me a second,” he slipped out of his sandals, first the right, then he heeled the left one off, “I will prepare some water for us and show you around. Are you hungry?”

Indeed, your stomach felt suddenly painfully empty. “Yes.”

“Alright. I’m afraid I won’t have anything in my fridge or shelves except for some tin cans, so I have to go out to buy some food. In a bit. First,” carefully, he nudged the sandals into place with his bare toes, before padding down the long, dark hallway, “follow me. The guest room should still be clean.”

His bare feet slapped softly onto the wooden ground as he vanished in the relative darkness of the hallway, and you could only try to keep up with him. After a second of trying to brush off your bare feet with your mere hands, you followed, always aware that nothing would clean off your feet like a good old bath. Damn, you just hoped your dirty footprints wouldn’t be that visible on the dark wood.

When you caught up, Kakashi was busy opening the blinds of the windows further down the hallway. Immediately, the space seemed to light up, like it was any longer a forsaken, forgotten building. More like a real house, a home. The weak light of the evening sun lightened up the slight off-white walls, just a shade shy off the color of untouched snow. The light chased away the loneliness of the house and you instantly felt better with spending your time here for a possibly long time. Weak light was reflected by the dark wood, and when Kakashi turned towards you, half of his face also glowed with the weakening sunlight. To say your heart jumped into your throat would be an understatement.

“I’m still not used to bundling up my space like this,” he said as the hand with the linen flinched upwards, “but my flat also got destroyed in the last attack, so I had no other choice but to come here.”

“And make it barely livable again.”

Kakashi simply stared at her inquisitively.

You snorted. “The garden says it all. Everything is overgrown but the little path through the front. Useable, but even there the grass was cut sloppily, quickly. It’s already growing again.”

“How long did we stand outside? Maybe five seconds?”

“Ten, but who's counting?”

His laugh made you smile as well (like always), but as soon as his eyes opened again, still creased by his amusement, you tried to force yourself to be serious again. “I understand. Ten seconds is far too long right now. I try to make the house tour as quick as possible. Fair?”

“Fair enough.” And there it was, the familiar teasing. Still easy, still a wonderful assurance for your self-worth. “Now, go. I’m starving and you’re only going to get some food when the tour is done.”

Overall, after Kakashi removed the dust covers from all windows in all the rooms he showed you, the Hatake house seemed a little bit less lonely and a lot more approachable. The entire furniture was new, even still faintly smelled like no one had dared to touch it until now, and fit into the house like they were made to mirror the exact dark shade of wood. No personal effects were laying around, no visible pictures or mementos. That fit with Kakashi’s explanation that his own flat was destroyed, plus probably all his personal belongings, furniture and all the other stuff a human life usually made up.

You swallowed when your thoughts went back to your own, unprotected house. Despite you taking the most of your most important personal belongings with you, mere small knick-knacks, the cup Kakashi gave you, some clothes and some other little things which could be useful, most of your belongings were still miles and miles away. Basically left out in the open. What if a storm or a flood came? What if a thunder struck one of the trees and set the forest on fire?

This never happened before. Why should it happen now?

Because I’m not there. Because I’m not lucky enough for both.

A life here or my life there. I can’t have both.

No, you were just nervous. The insecurity of being in a new environment, the uncertainty of your future, the quickly changing but yet always new impressions; all of that made you doubt your decision to leave your hut behind for the very first time since you entered the forest. You had never left before and now you were miles away. Miles and miles over miles away. A big, fat glob of anxiety choked you, but you swallowed it down. Buried it underneath false confidence and the repeated prayer that everything would be alright.

Hopefully.

“This here is,” Kakashi opened a door, halfway down the hallway with the entrance still in sight, “your room. I mean, if you want. It’s pretty spartan, but you’ve seen that the rest of my home is currently also pretty sparse…”

“I’m sure it will be fine.”

And oh, how fine that room was. With big eyes, you stepped inside, looked around and at the same time, couldn’t believe what you saw. The room was almost as big as your entire hut; only a few meters differed the two rooms. Nothing else was alike. Where your hut was simple, rustically dark with a hint of dust and earth everywhere, this guest room was elegant, clean, flooded with light, and also simple, but in an entirely different way. More smooth dark wood, cool against your naked soles, and a light-green rug right before the bed which promised to be soft and protecting the feet of the just awoken person to not be startled by coldness. The bed, oh, the bed. A real mattress, white linen with light-grey ornaments, a big pillow and fluffy blankets. 

Light flooded through the room, drawing swirls and shadows on the ground. Grey curtains, the same shade as the ornaments of the bed covers, were pulled aside to reveal the overgrown, wild garden in the back of the house. Like a moth drawn to light, you stepped closer to the bed, past a large closet, a bookshelf brimming with books and a soft-looking, huge armchair with a lamb sitting in the corner of the room. Carefully, you touched the linen, in awe and wonder how extraordinarily soft it was. You pushed downwards, your hands sinking into the blanket and mattress.

Sleeping on this mattress would be like sleeping on a cloud.

“And?” Kakashi’s voice broke through the curtain of awe and enjoyment of the situation. “Is everything to your satisfaction?”

“Are you kidding me?” Quickly, you glanced over your shoulder, another rusty smile flashing over your face. “This room is great. Thank you.”

“Maa, no need to thank me.” He waved warily at you. “I’m just glad you like it. You can leave your bag, then I show you the rest of the house.”

It took you a few seconds of hesitation and doubt, but in the end, you indeed dropped your small, dirty, worn-out backpack on the immaculate wooden ground and followed Kakashi into the hallway.

He was already waiting for you, eyes creased in a light smile and his own backpack still clinging to his shoulders. 

“There’s a guest bathroom just beside your room,” he pointed towards it as he walked back towards the entrance, “the kitchen is in the back, the living room is right beside the kitchen, and upstairs are my rooms and bathroom. Just one thing. You shouldn’t enter the room in the back to your left.”

“The one behind the kitchen?” you asked. Yes, when you looked back over your shoulder, there was indeed a door across the kitchen door, right beside the guest bathroom. “What about it?”

“It’s an old study room. I haven’t cleaned up there yet. Full of dust.” The creases around his eyes hadn’t vanished, still, you got the impression that Kakashi wanted to hide something. You didn’t show the sudden flare of distrust. Instead, you nodded sharply, while Kakashi seemed to buy your faked interest. “I will now go to the supermarket to buy some food. Would you like to come with me?”

“Instantly after you arrived?”

“Yeah, it’s better than to get home and start resting, only to force myself up again. Do you have any preferences?”

“No. Not really. I’m pretty open to anything.”

He nodded. “I take it you just want to look around this place?”

“Yeah.” Your thoughts returned to the study room. “And use the chance to be alone for a bit.”

Kakashi stepped into his sandals once more, pulling them on with practiced motions. “Aah. I get that. Do you also want to visit the garden, maybe?”

The garden was possibly the second-biggest interest you had at the moment, right after the mysterious study room. “It looks like the forest itself growing out there. Of course, I would like to see that.”

His laugh rumbled through the air, as pleasant as always. “Then, that’s settled. See you in a bit.”

You only felt a little bit guilty at the half-baked lie as you watched Kakashi leave, armed with a smaller bag and money, but you told yourself that it would be fine to check on the study room. Just in case. Waiting for Kakashi to leave when something so tempting was right down the hallway, merely a few steps away, was hard. You could barely contain yourself from jumping up and down while you watched him open the door and wave over his shoulder, which you answered with a weak wave of your own. The entrance closed with a satisfying, deep ‘thud’, but you didn’t immediately run into the last room, but walked past it and went through the clean and well-organized kitchen. Kakashi was still too close, barely out of the door. Walking into that study room had to wait for a few more minutes.

Time to be true to your word and check out the garden.

The impression you got when you first laid your eyes on the garden upfront was only underlined by the state of the backyard. A horrendous, wildly growing mess. When you stepped onto the small porch right outside of the kitchen, old leaves beneath your naked feet greeted you. No one had cleaned up even that small portion of the garden for a long time. Your eyes wandered higher, inspecting the wide garden from your raised vantage point, and every new insult to nature made the frustration in your stomach boil higher and higher.

Sure, you liked unchecked, uncontrolled nature, not tamed by the hand of a human and not bound to anything. Nature was free to do as it pleased, thus, it was also free to grow as it pleased. However, as a human who was dependent on a garden to spice up your food and cure eventual sicknesses, diseases and injuries, you were appalled by this horror. Even now, beneath all the dead leaves, the bamboo which grew higher than the house itself, the weeds growing all across the once carefully laid out stone path towards a small hut which was almost hidden behind the bamboo, even beneath all that and more, you could see that a long time ago, someone had taken the time and energy to lay out big, spread out flower beds. Not only that, but also a structure for the entire garden. And another someone had let all that effort go to waste, abandoning this garden and undo all the planning, structuring, nurturing and growing.

Unacceptable. Sacrilege.

Your hands were shaking in anger as you stepped off the porch, right into the garden and onto the overgrown stone path. To your left, a former flower bed full of herbs and spices commonly used for food and tea was taken hostage by thorny blackberry bushes. They probably had grown right beside that special flower bed and used the chance to take over more space when no one had checked the size of the bushes. To your right was another flower bed, this one with the most common medical herbs for everyday life and injuries. At least, you believed so, as the actual contents of the flower bed were hidden in between happily growing white dead nettles, the small violet blossoms of verbena, and looming stinging nettles, maybe the very tips just as high as your shoulders. These examples were just the very tip of the iceberg. There were more overgrown, neglected flower beds, a few trees in the distance with old, rotten fruit filling on the ground filling the air with a slightly sweet, slightly foul smell, the bamboo forest, the stone path hidden beneath grass and common weeds, the fence covered in hydrangea, …

“Are you kidding me?” Your voice echoed through the air. 

Anger burned your throat as you looked once more around, flabbergasted at the sheer neglect the previous owner had shown to the formerly big and beautifully arranged garden. A garden which had a purpose; the purpose to enrich and fill a life by caring for it. This was an abomination of the once existing beauty and purpose.

A tremble flared through the greenery around you. The grass pulled itself back from the stony path as you tried to control your emotions; the blackberry bushes shook as an invisible breeze ran through the twigs and leaves; the dead leaves on the porch whispered as they fell from the polished, old wood to the ground into a neat pile. 

A small start, caused by the blood of your mother, but nevertheless a start.

I have to ask Kakashi if I’m allowed to work on this mess. You shook your head in disgust when you turned around. No matter how much of an intrusion this possibly could be, I cannot leave the garden like this.

“I’m coming back. Don’t you worry.” 

Your loud and clear statement was answered by another fearful whisper of leaves, twigs and trees. In response, you merely narrowed your eyes wordlessly.

The garden was in desperate need of some guidance; some correction and organization were necessary. And you would give this correction and organization to the garden, no matter if the plants liked it or not.

When you entered the house again, you made a beeline for the last room you hadn’t seen yet. There was no good reason why you would decide to snoop around like that, go behind Kakashi’s back and enter the room he “hadn’t clean yet” but your own anxiety that he might be hiding something there which would reveal his true nature to you. Nothing else but that.

One more calming breath, then you wrenched your fingers into the small space between door and frame.

You knew something was going horribly wrong when the door indeed slipped open, but the feeling of the tiniest bit of resistance, followed by the terrible sound of ripping paper seemed to thunder in your ears. Almost instantly, the smell of something foul and rotten hit your nose. Out of instinct, you raised your other hand and covered your mouth and nose. What in the will of the gods had happened in this study room? Tears welled up in your eyes, attacked by the dust in the air as you opened the door further, inch by inch, and let in the dying light of the evening sun fall further into the dark room.

The first thing you noticed was the intensifying smell. Somehow metallic, but also old and a little bit rotten, almost foul. The second thing was a dark red spot on the tatami mats, so old that the color already changed into a dark shade of brown. Your breath stopped. Your heart stopped, only to skyrocket when you slowly made the connection to what exactly went down in this very house, in between these very four walls. Death was still lingering in this room, in the curtains still covering the windows, in the dust in the air, in the dried blood on the ground. You didn’t need your senses to know that. 

It was in the walls, in the air, hell, the door had been sealed from the inside!

Under no circumstance would you set a single step inside this room. It wasn’t your place to be there. Snooping had been wrong in the first place, but you and your twisted sense of supposed self-preservation… Gently, you closed the door again. Guilt already gnawed at your insides in having disturbed something so extremely twisted. Of course, Kakashi would lie about a prior death in his new quarters. Of course, he wouldn’t want to worry you in any way.

Though, why was the door sealed from the inside? Like he didn’t even intend to clean it up, but just leave it like this. Leave it sealed and locked, not think about it and keep it that way forever.

Something isn’t adding up here.

A few minutes later, still standing in the hallway and pondering, you realized that the destroyed seal had also another purpose. The smell of long dried blood and dust was in the air, unmistakable to your weak nose and without a doubt, even more noticeable to Kakashi’s fine senses. Even opening all available windows and the front door didn’t help much. Yes, a fresh breeze carried some of the foul smell away, but when Kakashi entered through the wide-open front door, arms occupied by two big paper bags, you could see in the change of his stance and upper face that he knew what you had done.

Sitting on the stairs, pressed to the wall, you had to wait for him to arrive, face hidden behind your hands, covering up your quickly growing guilt and nervousness. What if Kakashi took your snooping as a serious offense? What if he would decide that living together was impossible after all? After such a breach of trust so early on?

“Hey…?” His voice made you flinch and look up. With the brown paper bags in his arms, some vegetables and bread showing over the rims, he stopped right in front of stairs. Right in front of you. You looked up, directly into his eyes, and…

“I’m sorry,” you blurted out, words falling from your mouth like a waterfall, “I shouldn’t have opened the room, I shouldn’t have looked inside, it wasn’t my place to - to snoop around, I was nervous that you would hide something from me which would make me uncomfortable, and in a sense I am uncomfortable right now, but out of different reasons than probably anticipated and I’m really sorry for not believing-!”

“Hey.” The paper bags were dropped at the end of the stairs. “Breathe in for a second, will you?”

“But, Kakashi-!”

“Present.”

“This isn’t a joking matter!”

With a low groan, which could be partly from frustration of having to deal with your emotions and partly from exhaustion after a long day filled with travelling, Kakashi lowered himself onto the same stairs, right by your side. “Yeah. It isn’t a joke. You’re right.” Another even deeper sigh, then Kakashi turned his head towards you. “I wasn’t… completely open about the origin and meaning of this house. So, at least your suspicions were warranted.”

“How come?”

Kakashi let his head sink backwards until it hit the edges of the higher stairs. With closed eyes, he started to speak, low and almost in a whispered hush. “This here is my childhood home. My father killed himself in this house.”

… Oh.

This would explain a lot. A whole lot.

“My mother,” Kakashi continued, head still tilted backwards, “died during childbirth. I had no one else but this house and my father, and when he also died, I tried to live here, but after a while, I couldn’t take it anymore. I sealed everything and rented a place in Konoha. Until the flat was destroyed and… things happened, so I came back after twenty years and renovated the place.”

“Not the room where he…” You nodded slightly towards the study room, and Kakashi nodded weakly.

“Yes,” he mumbled, “not… not that room. I haven’t found the will to clean there yet.”

Far worse than you would’ve imagined. Now, that you knew the bigger picture, everything was so much clearer. The sealed room, the freshly renovated house, the overgrown garden. All the signs were there. Kakashi had abandoned his old family house because he couldn’t bear to live in the four walls where his father killed himself.

No family. Just an empty house to come home too. In a sense, he and you shared some kind of similar family history. Both of your fathers decided to fade away was a better choice than staying and living on for their children, while the mothers were out of the picture, if now by an early death or by living her life as a mystical being in the depths of the forest. Homeless, alone, not relying on anyone.

In this moment, Kakashi seemed like he was in his own little world, without a doubt filled with memories of his happy and maybe also not so happy memories of his childhood. His dark eyes looked straight out of the open front door, his head by your side and his arm nearly touching your thigh.

The irresistible urge to touch him overwhelmed your mind. A comforting touch, a little sign he wasn’t alone right now; a small gesture of gratitude. 

Before you knew it, you had reached out and crossed the small distance. Your fingertips graced the rolled-up sleeve lightly like a feather, barely caressing at the fabric. Still, Kakashi noticed. His distant look returned, his face turning and the wrinkles beside his eyes creasing once more as he smiled at you.

“Sorry,” you whispered, already flinching backwards, “I wasn’t…”

“Maa, it’s alright.” In a silent invitation, he allowed his arm to grace your side. “Thank you.”

“I should be the one to thank you.” 

Gently, you reached out once more. Underneath the black fabric of his shirt, the warmth of a human body waited, and in the shortest time of almost feeling it, you became addicted to it. Your index finger barely brushed against the naked skin of his forearm, nothing but a butterfly-light touch, but it was enough to make you wish you could touch him more. Another brush, another endless second passing by, and Kakashi skid the tiniest bit closer. In the back of his throat, he hummed, a low melodious rasp which made a true shower of tingles wander down your back. Who knew just a simple motion like this, the sliding of your fingertips against his skin, could feel so nice and tempting?

You had no idea how long you two sat there like this. The sun sank in the sky, making space for the stars and the slowly rising full moon, coloring the world in darkness and silver light. None of you moved; none of you said anything. Just blessed, understanding silence. The kind of silence which was filled with nothing, but said so much on its own that no words needed to be exchanged. It reminded you of the forest, only better. Because Kakashi decided not to say anything and you also kept your mouth shut. An agreement to stay silent and enjoy the moment.

It's nice. Really nice.

Please, let me stay like this with him for a little bit longer…

The warmth in the pit of your stomach was back. Giddy, tingly warmth, prickling and spreading through your entire body. Yes, if you could stay like this for a little bit longer, that wouldn’t be too bad. Your fingers graced over Kakashi’s forearm in slow, rhythmic strokes. He didn’t seem to mind. Slinking over the uncomfortable stairs, head laid back, eyes closed and the portion of his face you could actually watch; relaxed. No more wrinkles, only the faint shadow of sleeplessness underneath his eyes. His arm pressed weakly against your thigh, his fingers playing with some fabric of your long skirt he could reach. A little soft moment, just between the two of you.

Then, in the second an unexplainable urge grew in your mind (to do something more? Something else? Something in the same direction, but closer?), your stomach spoke up. A loud, embarrassing grumble, too loud and not made to be ignored, accompanied by a little sting of hunger flashing through your body.

“Oh gods,” you sighed, while Kakashi snorted under his breath, “that was… something else.”

“No worries. I think…” Another rumble, but this time not from your stomach. With a smile tugging at the corners of your lips, you looked back at the man, who still had his eyes closed, but a suspicious hint of red creeped over the edges of his mask. “I think I’m hungry too,” he added, really quietly.

The moment ended, but for now, you weren’t too sad about it. It was a good end to it, and when Kakashi got up, only to stretch his hand out and help you up from the stairs too, you could pretend the moment still hadn’t ended yet.

A moment where you could pretend that Kakashi maybe felt a hint of the same bubbly feelings you harbored for him.

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The scent of old blood had been already weak when Kakashi entered his old family home, but the sight of (Y/N) sitting on the stairs to the second level, with her face in her hands and guilt basically radiating from her in big waves, only confirmed his suspicions. At first, a little surge of anger had welled up, burned his lungs, kindled the fire in his chest. Who was she to snoop around his home, disturb the place he sealed?

(Y/N) had looked up when she heard him enter, and every bit of anger had been blown away. Just like that. A mere look, full of unshed tears and festering guilt had been enough to persuade Kakashi to drop his emotions. When he listened to her stuttered and rambled apology, he wanted to scold himself for almost reacting too harshly. He should’ve known that a vague answer like he had given to (Y/N) would push her to look at the harmless room. She was still distrusting of her surroundings but tried to work on it. She tried, and that was all that mattered.

And then her weak touch. Kakashi suppressed a little satisfied sigh when he remembered the innocent touch, the little up and down motion. (Y/N) tried to comfort him when he spoke about his dead father, tried with her limited means and jumped over her shadow to actually touch him.

Such a big step forward, and she took it not even for her own sake.

Now, as he stood in the kitchen with tonight’s dinner ready to be cooked and with (Y/N)’s intense look set onto his back, Kakashi was hyper aware of his gestures, stance and the fact that he still reeked of the dust of the road and sweat. Everything a shinobi wanted desperately when they came home were a hot shower, a warm meal and their own secure bed. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have time yet for the first. With (Y/N) so close to him in the kitchen, Kakashi wished he had simply taken the time out of his tight schedule to at least wash himself, like he had done so three days ago.

Maybe his guest had again taken it upon herself to surprise him when he was in the process of washing himself. He couldn’t say he would be opposed to that, measured at the brightness of her blush when she looked – without a doubt – at the first naked man (Y/N) ever saw. Partly naked, but still halfway there to lose all of his clothing, and that had to count for something, didn’t it?

At the mere memory, Kakashi could feel that he was blushing. Thankfully, you sat at his back, having offered your help in cutting some vegetables, so she couldn’t see how much his fingers trembled or how bright red his face could really become.

Letting her stay in his house while (Y/N) tried to decide if a life in Konoha was possible, it seemed like such a good idea; such an easy solution. Only when he was on the way to the grocery store, the shinobi realized what exactly this could and would implicate. Such intimate closeness, living in the same space, cooking together, coming home to someone else…

He hadn’t lived with someone for so long. Could he still adjust to that? Or would (Y/N)’s proximity be overbearing in just a few days and would he automatically start to push her away, even when it was the last thing he wanted to do?

He hadn’t told her the whole truth. (Y/N) didn’t need to know that Kakashi was the one to find his father. His father, who couldn’t take the months of blame and insults hurled at him by his fellow shinobi. Who said that Sakumo should’ve placed the fateful failed mission above anything else, not his endangered comrade. The comrade Sakumo decided to save instead of letting the ungrateful man die. The ungrateful man who came the day before Sakumo used the family heirloom to end his own life, and accused Sakumo of saving him instead of completing the mission, causing a war in the process.

Kakashi remembered that day as clear as the sun. The way his father’s face fell when he listened to the accusations, the blank expression when he thanked the other man for his input and that Sakumo was sorry. 

“I apologize for doing the wrong thing,” Sakumo had said, word for word, before shutting the door. 

Hours later, the tanto Kakashi had seen his father polish and sharpen as his last worldly gesture, was stuck in Sakumo’s stomach, while the man himself writhed and cramped on the ground of his own study room. Not fully dead and definitely not alive.

Kakashi, being the well-trained soldier he already had been at that age, did what his father had taught him. He shoved his emotions aside, tried to stop the bleeding and when the blood flow finally stopped, he alerted the authorities. Of course, the flow only stopped because there had been no more blood to spill inside the corpse which formerly wore the name and title of his father, but Kakashi didn’t think about that back then. He did what he was taught, and only the in the dead of the night, when all the people, the coroner and few friends had left him all alone in the big house, only then Kakashi had cried into the too-big futon of his father. He cried, cradled by the already weakening scent in the pillows and blankets, cried his heart out and after that, no more tears would fall for Sakumo Hatake, The White Fang of Konoha, traitor and failure, the man who had saved a comrade and thrown the entire continent into another war as the result.

When Kakashi thought about it, then this evening had been the first time in years where he was close to crying over his father. So close and yet so far, because (Y/N) was there with a comforting, soft touch.

“Hey, Kakashi? Can I ask you a question?” (Y/N)’s voice interrupted his train of thought.

Thankfully, he was good in pretending to be aware at all times. No flinch of his fingers or jerk of his body betrayed that he actually forgot about her presence for some time as he looked over his shoulder at her already fully diced vegetables. “Oh good, you’re done. What is the matter?”

“I checked the backyard and I have to say, the sight was a bit…”

A chuckle rose in his throat. “Horrible? Nightmarish? An absolute disaster?”

“Overgrown and in a bad state is absolutely fitting, nothing more.”

“True, true.”

“What I wanted to ask is,” she paused for a second, probably fiddled with her hair and pondered if her question was too invasive, even though Kakashi could imagine what she was about to ask, “if I could work on the garden while I’m here?”

The garden. According to his father, it had been the treasure of his mother as long as she was alive, not that Kakashi could take anything else but Sakumo’s word for that. Fact was, his father also had spent a lot of time in the flower beds, digging and planting new plants and flowers, cutting back and weeding out the beds, working without a break and trying to rope Kakashi into helping him too whenever he had the chance. When Sakumo died and Kakashi moved out a few years after that incident, the garden was free to grow as it pleased.

“Sure,” he answered, “When you care for it, I’m sure its former beauty is restored in no time. I can do a lot of things, but handling plants was never my forte.”

“So, you won’t mind? Even if I would change the landscape completely?”

“As long as the house is still safe, standing where it is…”

Every time (Y/N) smiled, Kakashi’s heart developed the troublesome tendency to leap right into his throat. At first, he had pretended that it must be his old age acting up, then, when he successfully reminded himself that he was only 28, for fuck’s sake, maybe it could be a strange disease? But no, Sakura had checked on him and said everything was alright with his heart. No deformation, no mutation, no sudden change which would cause these strange movements. Of course, since he admitted to himself that he indeed caught feelings for the hermit Team 7 found deep in the woods, everything was so much clearer. 

As he looked over his shoulder, watching out for the smile he already heard in her voice, Kakashi revelled in the wondrous, warm and even slightly bubbly feeling rising in his chest.

“Thank you,” she bowed her head slightly, a big admission on her part; he knew that, “I try not to change too much. It will be mostly cleaning up, pulling weeds. Such things.”

“The garden needs some cleaning up, I won’t lie. Thank you, (Y/N).” Kakashi threw a quick smile over his shoulder, before turning again to the old stove. “Now… which one was the one to blow the fuse…”

Soon, some carrots, meat, mushrooms and cream thickened in a pan, even strong enough to chase away the lingering smell of death and old blood. With expert hands, Kakashi added salt and pepper, and started to rhythmically stir the delicious mass. His mind though wasn’t in the moment. His mind – and heart, he had to admit – were reeling in the knowledge that for the first time in decades, he wouldn’t return to an empty house. There would be a light burning in the deep of the night, someone filling the four walls with life, someone who was good company and someone he could talk to.

Remember: (Y/N) is only a guest. She’s alone, she’s confused, she’s defenseless. She doesn’t feel a thing beyond gratitude and hesitant friendliness towards me. And evenI’m not too sure about the gratitude-part.

It would be wrong; to start getting closer to her. She needed safety, needed a safe place where she could let go of her walls, and by pushing her into a corner with possible romantic advances, Kakashi would only manage to drive (Y/N) out of Konoha. Out of his life.

At the thought of her leaving again, a flash of raw denial made the man cringe under his mask. Gods, there were so many reasons to not pursue anything into that particular direction, but her leaving Konoha and him behind… He already couldn’t stand that.

Far, far too late, Kakashi realized as he cooked a first dinner in a not-so-empty home for the first long-time guest in years, that his crush wasn’t a crush anymore and that by allowing (Y/N) to stay in his home – no matter how spontaneous the decision had been – he drove himself into a corner he didn’t want to escape from.

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“Okay… Toothbrush, toothpaste, some towels and other stuff are in the bathroom I showed you.” Kakashi stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and eyes flitting around the guest room. “Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t think so, no.” 

You shook your head as you wandered a bit aimlessly around the guest room. At least, you couldn’t think of anything which you could possibly need. Need in the face of such luxury you never experienced before. The mattress so soft you would sink into it, the linen fresh and clean, several pillows! No one in the village owned more than one pillow, but here you were looking full of flabbergasted shock at the sheer decadence at no less than four pillows in different sizes Kakashi had pulled out of a hidden cupboard in the hallway, right after the delicious dinner was finished and he led you back towards your room.

The man cocked his head to one side, barely a hint of a tired smile on his masked face. “Well then. Have a good night, (Y/N). I hope you sleep well.”

“Good night, Kakashi. I hope so for you too.”

With a weak ‘thud’, the door fell close and you let out a little sigh. Finally, finally, after a long day filled with travel and new encounters with lots of confusion and exhausting emotions… you were finally alone. Like a ton of bricks fell from your shoulders, you allowed them to slump forward, sighed lowly, before almost collapsing face-forward on the bed. The soft fabric of the blanket and pillows greeted you warmly.

Gods, why is this so soft? So nice and warm and soft…

You rubbed your face into the fabric. Even the scent was amazing. Wasn’t there some lavender and chamomile used? Again, you sniffed at the wrinkles in the linen, only to smile and nod to yourself. Yes, definitely lavender. A flower you also used to wash your bed linen with.

What a strange coincidence. A welcomed one.

A low groan escaped your mouth, before you sat up from the temptation of the linen and cushions. One by one, the single pieces of your clothing started to hit the floor. Shirt, skirt, underwear. Right now, you couldn’t be bothered to clean up after yourself. The bed called out to you, and your exhaustion and sleepiness answered with eager moans and mumbles.

I came a long way. From the clearing of my mother to a dog house, to my own home and now this. Konohagakure.

Naked as you were, you turned off the lights and stumbled back over the wooden ground. Quickly, you slipped beneath the blankets and sighed out when you felt how the softness of the fabric slid over your skin. The mattress was way softer than you were used to, dipping with your weight like the one you made with moss and dried grass could never. For a second, you even feared you would fall straight through the mattress, and every movement brought that irrational fear back into the foreground of your thoughts. Like you already suspected, it was like laying on a cloud.

Once more, you rolled onto your side and watched the moon shining through the window and drawing shadows onto the ground and silver flashed onto the glass. Everything today seemed to have happened so fast. Your welcome in Konoha, walking through the village, the acceptance of the Hokage, coming into Kakashi’s house and messing up right away… So much had happened. No wonder your head felt like it was too full and screamed for a little bit of rest. Tomorrow would be no different. With a last, heavy sigh, you closed your eyes and tried to ignore the slight nausea coming from the (maybe) too soft mattress swinging with your every movement.

You could only hope to soon get used to that.

Chapter Text

Sweat stood on your forehead as your eyes raked over the many, many shiny levers, applications and other stuff you didn’t even know how to vaguely describe them. Since you had entered the room, sleep still in your eyes with rumpled hair, you stood in the same spot like a deer in the eyes of a wolf; Not able to move a single muscle, praying that the predator hadn’t noticed yet. You had never encountered such an intimidating scenario before, and you’ve fought with a bear once over the first spring honey, fresh out of the bee’s nest! In fact, you would favor having to relive that particular moment yet again; everything to not face any of the troubles and problems this dream of a crazy scientist seemed to have made up. At least the ground was all still dark, smooth wood. A thankful rendition, even when it was covered by a wide rug, soft beneath your soles and incredibly fuzzy between your toes.

Wringing your hands into the thin, worn-out fabric of your morning robe, you tried to make sense of what was laid out in front of your eyes. However, it seemed like the longer you tried to understand this insanity, the more your brain just wanted to quit right there on the spot and throw itself out of the nearest window.

Gods; where was a simple river you could dive into?

Yesterday, you didn’t manage to wash yourself before heading to bed. Of course, waking up all grimy, sweaty and seeing the once unmarred white linen smeared with dust and dirt instantly made you self-conscious about the questionable decision. Thus, the morning encounter with the “guest bathroom”, as Kakashi called it.

Guest bathroom? More like, my personal nightmare.

Everything was so incredibly, painstakingly clean and white. White porcelain as far as your eyes could see. A white sink protruded from the wall to your right, as big as a wasp’s nest which had several decades time to grow. The silver of the tap blinked in the morning sun, which peeked through the halfway shut blinds made out of bamboo right across from the door. The same blinding white and immaculate silver greeted you from the tap of the massive, truly enormous bathtub, and you only realized what exactly this monstrosity was meant to be after warily trying out the tap and watching a stream of scalding hot water rushing out right into the oval of the basin.

The tub took up an entire corner of the bathroom, but you still hadn’t figured out how the actual hell the little extra room separated by milky glass walls could be of any use. In a bathroom, nonetheless. Pressed and apparently fitted into another corner, the little extra room consisted of nothing but a strangely formed hook with a wide round head. The hook was connected to a tube, which was again connected to a silver board of some kind. Two knobs with symbols and numbers seemed to be purposed to adjust something, but whatever it was supposed to adjust, you had no idea. Countless small knobs were sprawled onto the lower side of the head, and you couldn’t imagine a single usage for this strange construction that would make a tiny, little bit of sense.

No matter what this mysterious room was supposed to do, you wouldn’t try it out today.

You drew yourself a quick bath, washing away the damned dirt of yesterday. And if you got a little carried away by playing with the temperature and the different little bottles of soap, shampoo, conditioner and what not, then that was your business in the early morning. When you allowed yourself to sink into the nearly scalding water and scrubbed yourself off using one of the comfortably scratchy sponges found in one of the cupboards, you minded this strange environment a little bit less.

Fine, you could get used to the strange bathrooms a lot faster than you would’ve thought.

When you exited the bathroom, hair still dripping and shivering from the cold air, you could hear some faint rustling. Naked feet shuffling over the ground, water boiling and the soft clinking of porcelain settled onto wood. Kakashi was awake.

Gods, please don’t let him step out of the kitchen right now…

Only the fabric of your morning robe protected your clean body from any sight, and Kakashi really didn’t need another peek at your naked curves. Especially when you considered these strange feelings fluttering inside your lower stomach at the mere thought…

No, absolutely not. On light feet, you walked back into your room and closed the door while your heart pounded as loud as roaring thunder in your ears.  Knowing Kakashi was awake was suddenly a nerve wrecking ordeal, just because you wore nothing else but the worn-out robe; and slept in his home; and bathed in his bathroom…

For a mere second, you considered squealing full of embarrassment into your folded hands, yet you settled on a deep breath in and a deep sigh out. Nothing to worry about; just your emotions getting the better of you.

Yeah, sure. Nothing to worry about.

Silence! It’s not like I chose to crush on him.

There was a more pressing matter at hand. Namely, the dawning and daunting meeting with Tsunade, where she would explain today’s job to you was circling over your head. You would work in a greenhouse, so your usual clothing should be sufficient. But were these ragged clothes, dirtied by the years of use really alright?

You shook your head, already reaching into your backpack to ruffle through all of your clothing. These stupid thoughts wouldn’t help at all. You would be working in a greenhouse, in a greenery, knee-deep in earth and hands soiled by the plants. No need to dress in your finest gowns, which were still (in comparison to the usual clothes in Konoha) mere rags; hastily stitched together and downright boring in their earthy tones. Quickly, you threw on one of your sleeveless shirts, the coarse material unusually scratchy on your skin after the temptation and softness of the bed linen, as well as the only pair of pants you owned.

Kakashi waited for you in the kitchen, sitting at the table and face hidden behind a wide-open wad of papers. Black letters were boldly printed on the outside, and you needed a few seconds to realize that this had to be the Konoha-version of a newspaper. Strange. You hadn’t seen one in years, only remembered the few occasions when your father would still attempt to interact with the outside world and his hometown by reading the loosely assembled stack of papers with information about the surrounding villages.

“Good morning.” The newspaper whispered weakly as Kakashi went to the next page, before he peeked over the upper rim. “How was your sleep?”

“Good… morning. Yes, thank you. I slept well.” Were you supposed to join him? You had no idea. For a few more seconds, you stood right in the doorframe leading into the kitchen, before Kakashi lowered the wad of papers, wrinkles around his eyes telling much more about the smile underneath the ever-present mask than the wrinkles of the skin-tight fabric.

“What are you waiting for? I made you some tea.” He gestured warily towards a second cup sitting on the table, steam still rising into the air. “I know, it’s probably not as fresh as you are used to, and it’s not your personal cup, but I thought…”

“It will do.” Your words were probably too harsh, but the feeling rising from your stomach into your chest wasn’t. Undeniably soft, warm, sparkling like fresh spring water from a lazily running river and making your face and ears tingle when blood colored your features into a bright red. At least, it felt like that as you sunk onto the chair opposite to Kakashi, who picked up his newspaper again. Only then, a few seconds too long after the best moment, you remembered your manners. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

“No problem.” His tone betrayed him. Slight amusement shone through his words as he switched to the next page. “It was not a hassle.”

“Good.”

Silence laid over the kitchen, only interrupted by the crinkles of the newspaper whenever Kakashi moved his hands just the tiniest bit, and the faint melody of birdsong from the outside. The silence suited you well as you cupped the white porcelain cup with a shadowy silhouette of a dog running after a rabbit and waited until the heat would fade away. It reminded you of the mornings in your own hut. No need to say anything, no need to talk. Just… blessed silence. In a sense, it was soothing to know that Kakashi, despite his sudden role as a host, didn’t feel the need to engage in conversation just because you were there.

Of course not. He never had been the type of blabber needless things. A small grin flashed over your face, hidden by the cup as you raised it to take a first, cautious sip. What were you thinking?

I’m nervous. Strangely nervous, but not as bad as yesterday. When I entered the village.

My future here doesn’t seem to be as bleak as I painted it to be. That’s… that’s good.

Weak, hesitant optimism wasn’t usually your strength. Though considering that your first encounter with the village head was as friendly and composed as it could be, together with the promise from Tsunade to leave you and your powers alone, then you would consider that a resounding achievement. So, the weak, hesitant optimism rising in your chest was definitely in order when you thought about yesterday, with the clarity and distance of some time in between. Hell, you even had an official occupation now!

Gods, you had a serious occupation now. Your stomach sunk and suddenly, the green tea wasn’t as delicious anymore as your tongue seemed to turn into ash and sand. A serious occupation, an official job. Like a farmer, a cattle or sheep breeder, a shopkeeper, trader, bookseller… For the first time in your life, you had a serious and official job, with expectations from another being. Didn’t you have to report to this… Ino?

At the thought of having to listen and obey the orders of someone else yet again, your stomach turned from slightly upset to downright offended. You hadn’t thought about this at all when Tsunade offered this opportunity. You sipped again on your tea, hiding the grimace with a quick bow of the cup, all the while brooding over the chance of being commandeered around and not at all noticing how Kakashi sighed, folded the newspaper and dropped it onto the side.

“Alright. What’s the problem here?”

“Huh?” A little glance towards Kakashi, and your eyes were stuck. Due to the newspaper, the man managed to hide his absolutely… The form-fitting, all revealing, sleeveless shirt he wore; basically drawn onto his upper body. You were thankful the table was in the way, otherwise, the raging blush on your face surely would’ve spread even further if more of his shameless, wonderful attire would’ve been out in the open for you to ogle at.

A shame, honestly.

“Are you alright?” His innocent question finally broke your concentration on the visible ripple of his muscle underneath the promising tight shirt as Kakashi shifted in his chair, as innocent and happy as one could be.

Your head moved up and down in a weak attempt to speak without saying anything, before words fell from your lips, all stuttered and thrown together in wild shambles. “Uhm… Yeah, yeah? I-I am, I think… Just a really tight place to be in, now. I mean, a confusing, complicated place. Yes. I meant that.”

“You meant…” Kakashi tilted his head to the right, just the slightest angle accentuating his masked and still so open neck. “What?”

“I mean,” you breathed in, fighting the urge to look back down again to the new ripples of his muscled stomach (gods, underneath all these layers of fabric, Kakashi really hid himself from the world and any kind of unwanted stare) and breathed out, “I mean, I’m thinking about the job Tsunade offered me. Like everything, this is entirely new to me.”

“Not entirely, though. She said you would work in a greenhouse. Something familiar will be nice.”

With a heavy sigh, you sipped again at the green tea. “Yeah. Yes, that’s right. It will be good.”

You didn’t tell him about the uncertain queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, which also stopped you from eating more than a piece of dry bread when Kakashi offered to make breakfast. Worry licked at your mind all the way through the many little gestures of cleaning up the table, spreading a few things you wouldn’t need from your backpack in the guest room and swinging the backpack with the important stuff you possibly would need over the day, over your shoulders. Then, you stood in the middle of the impersonal guest room with toes curling weakly, while your mind tried to process what would happen today.

It’s still so strange. The day before yesterday, I was a witch, a hermit. Yesterday, I was a beggar, seeking for a new place to stay. And today, I am… a gardener? An actual person?

What would come next?

“Hey, everything alright?” Kakashi stuck his head through the door. “You don’t look too good.”

“I will be alright.” 

Worrying over something which didn’t even happen yet was useless. Just like nature was unpredictable and could bring sunshine or rain in the very next second, life was just as unpredictable. No need to fret over meeting new people and worry if they would like you. It hadn’t happened yet, right? It would be better to assess the situation after getting to know the new environment, people and places. Then, you could still freak out.

You straightened your back and shoulders, then turned around, nodding at the man who was thankfully once more clothed into all the different layers of his uniform. “Yes, I definitely will be alright.”

This time, you couldn’t make out if Kakashi was smiling underneath his mask, but the warmth in his eyes was unmistakable as you left the guest room, stepping out of the house and into the sunshine. “Good to hear that,” he nodded as he closed and locked the front door, the keys jingling between his fingers, “and I’m pretty sure you will do great.”

“How can you know that?”

“I know you. I know how you work, how much you care about plants. I know how capable you are. I know enough to make an educated guess.”

“You don’t know me. Not completely.” No one does, not even I know and understand myself to the deepest parts of myself.

“And again,” Kakashi shrugged in a terribly nonchalant way, “I know enough. Just… enough.” And with these mysterious words, he started to lead the way back inside the heart of the village.

Much like yesterday, you kept close to him. In comparison to yesterday though, you weren’t above holding onto Kakashi’s sleeve any longer. Your index, middle finger and thumb formed a tight pincer which held onto the durable fabric with as much strength as you dared to pour into the grip, all the while the shinobi had the patience to allow you this little security line to him. You even believed that he could be secretly delighted by your hesitancy to let go, measured at the little, constant wrinkles around his eyes and the light tone he used to chat quietly. About the small things, how you liked the house so far, if you had any plans for the garden already, if you would like to eat something special, if you would like to walk around the village this evening to get to know it, meeting the rest of his team again…

Normal questions. Innocent enough to make you relax, even when the people which passed by you started to stare full of disbelieving amazement at the hold you had onto Kakashi’s sleeve.

“Why are they staring at us?” you mumbled, when an older lady had the nerve to actually smile at the both of you and murmur to her husband, then both of them broke into a childish giggle. “Is it that unusual?”

“No, not really.” But his answer was evasive enough to make you suspicious.

“So, why are most of the people staring?” you whispered back and nearly broke your grip onto his sleeve when a group of younger girls walked by and erupted in a fit of laughter when they laid eyes onto you and the shinobi. “Or laughing.”

“They’re not laughing because of you.” And to your hesitant joy, Kakashi reached over and patted your white-knuckled fingers, in a somehow awkward and yet sweet display of care. “I guess... they're not used to seeing me that close with someone else.”

Only now, you studied his masked face further. Wasn’t there a hint of red peeking over the rims of his mask? Weren’t his ears colored into the same shade? Was he possibly embarrassed by the close proximity?

Gods, you didn’t even consider his feelings when you reached out. Maybe he absolutely didn’t like to be touched or restrained that way. Though, just in the moment you wanted to let go, his fingers closed around yours.  A warm, tight embrace, a contact at which you could feel your own face lightening up like a fire; burning in embarrassment and the same tingly feeling you already experienced yesterday when the same nimble fingers played with a few wrinkles of your skirt. Only now, it was better. His fingers were warm, just as calloused as your own. Strong, surely scarred, and mostly covered by the half-gloves. A direct contact, so much better and just as sweet with the forbidden feelings erupting in your chest.

Kakashi’s warm remark made you look up, directly into the black eyes you learned to… like. “Let them talk,” he murmured, “if you’re feeling better while holding onto me, then do it. I don’t mind their gossip if it’s for your wellbeing.”

You could feel yourself nod. Everything, just to experience his hand on yours a little bit longer. And to your fathomless giddiness, Kakashi really let his hand rest on yours for a while, like he wanted to demonstrate something to the passing villagers. Only after a few minutes of walking along and blushing on both of your parts, he dropped his hand to his other side, leaving you a little bit disappointed and with the aftermath of the tingles in your stomach.

Good enough. It has to be good enough.

He’s just doing it to keep me calm and happy. No need to get my hopes up.

Kakashi is just nice to me. Stop daydreaming.

At the discouraging thought, you nearly let go of his sleeve once more, but barely kept clinging to him. A wary glance was thrown your way, what you answered with a weak smile of your own.

“I was just thinking about something,” you answered his unspoken question, “no worries.”

That was the last words you two exchanged while walking through the village. Merely glances and assuring smiles switched out the unsaid words, together with the light touch to Kakashi’s sleeve. Sometimes, you would playfully tug at the fabric, what he always answered with a low grumble. An easy coexistence, nothing complicated but the confusing feelings swirling inside of your head, stomach and chest.

Again, just like yesterday, the closer you got to the heart of the village, the more people crossed your path. Even the giggles and glances towards the contact you steadily kept with Kakashi’s sleeve died down, swept away by the business of a healthy community. They simply had no time to start spreading gossip, with their jobs and tasks waiting for them. The noise seemed more bearable than yesterday too; maybe because you were used to it a little bit, but still. Still, the noise was still strange to your ears and made you flinch whenever a particular new noise came up. But Kakashi was there, close and reassuring, a known instance to hold onto.

Soon, you reached the gates of the Hokage Tower once more. Just when you wanted to go inside, Kakashi held you back.

“Wait a second.”

“What…? What’s wrong?”

“No. Yes. I’m…” He actually scowled, measured at the deep wrinkles on his forehead. “I’m punctual.”

“Is that bad?”

“If it’s me, yes.”

You really wanted to ask what that mysterious statement meant. Before you could do that though, the door of the Tower was pushed open and Sakura, with a cheery grin and chagrin sparkling in her eyes, greeted them. “Oh! Hello (Y/N)! Hello Kakashi-sensei! Such a surprise, seeing you on time for once.”

Under his breath, you thought you heard Kakashi grumble “That’s what I get for years of tutelage…” but then, Sakura pushed the door even wider open, her hands excitedly outstretched and gesturing you two to come in. “Come in, come in! Tsunade-sama is already waiting for you, Kakashi-sensei! And (Y/N), I will accompany you to the greenhouses, if that is alright.”

“Uhm… Yeah, sure…?” You could only stutter out, before Sakura clapped her hands together.

“Then, let’s go! I already talked with Ino a bit about you and she was really interested to hear what you have to say about the greenhouses and the work they’re doing.” Not waiting for you to say anything back, the girl nearly leaped over to your side, all happiness and cheery smiles that you almost believed that she liked to see you clinging to Kakashi so close.

Carefully, finger for finger, you loosened the grip, before you completely let go of the only anchor you had. However, just as you wanted to step away, his hand brushed over yours. Two of his fingers drawing a single straight line over the back of your hand, as sneaky as one expected of a shinobi, unnoticed by Sakura. At least, she didn’t show if she saw the secret gesture, full of care and security, just between the two of you.

“See you later.” 

Kakashi waved as he watched you leave. Awkwardly, you waved back. Without his presence, you could feel the nervousness creeping up on you again. The insecurities of not being good enough, the anxiety of meeting new people without the shield of someone… of Kakashi being present, the old and not so irrational fear of being hated… But then, Sakura started to talk and her voice pulled you away from your negative thoughts, and back into the present.

“How was your first night in Konoha? I hope Kakashi-sensei was a good host. He gives off the impression of being aloof and a bit uncaring, you know?”

The girl couldn’t be farther from the truth. “No, he was really caring. Really… kind.”

Sakura placed a single hand over her heart while letting out a little laugh. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear that. So, tell me. What’s your first impression of Konoha?”

“It’s loud. Filled with people. But…” You thought for a moment; weighed your words. “Interesting. New.”

“Worth staying?”

“Unfortunately, not yet.”

Sakura nodded, like she had expected your answer. “That was too hasty on my part. I apologize. Of course, you only stayed here for one night.”

You gave her a weak smile. “To be fair, it was a nice stay so far.”

“Because of what? Possibly,” her grin turned mocking-wicked, a disturbing combination, “Possibly because of Kakashi-sensei?”

How did she…?

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” But you could feel how blood creeped again into your face, and Sakura noticed too. Her smile turned knowing; happy, delighted in the realization, while you could only turn redder and redder with every second she looked at you with that knowing smile.

“Oh, you have it bad for him,” she sing-songed, “I knew it. I knew that you liked him!”

“Sssh!” Your head must resemble an overly ripe tomato by now. “Keep it quiet, will you?”

Sakura giggled. Giggled like a small child and strangely enough, you didn’t mind it as much as you usually would. “No worries! It’s just… It’s so good to see you like this. And to be honest, I think he likes you a lot, too.”

Before you could stop yourself, you whispered a weak “Really?”

“Yeah! Usually, as I mentioned,” she gestured around, “he’s pretty aloof and doesn’t seem to care for anything. But with you, he is different. More responsive. He looks out for you. He cares.”

“Isn’t he like that usually?”

Sakura didn’t even need to think for a split second. She shook her head wildly, the pink strands flying around, all the while a quick barrage of words fell from her lips. “No, not at all. I mean, he obviously likes us as a team, but with you, he’s soft. Like a marshmallow. You should see his sappy staring or the way he sighs sometimes like one of the heroines in his romance novels. If it wouldn’t be our sensei, it would be sickening to watch him like that.”

So, Sakura really wanted to say that Kakashi had some kind of feelings for you? Similar to your own? So similar that he would look at you and sigh? Sigh and swoon in the secrecy of his thoughts?

Could it be that you weren’t alone in these bittersweet emotions like you originally believed?

Before you could dare to ponder more about that revelation, Sakura continued to talk on, her words washing over you like a pleasant rainstorm. “Also, when you get your first paycheck, I thought we could look around the shops! I would love to introduce you to my other friends, you will get to know Ino today, but Hinata and TenTen also would love to meet you.”

“Shops? What are you looking for?”

“Nothing in particular, really.” Her laughter rang in the air, unworried and maybe a tad bit embarrassed. “After the war and the rebuilding of the village, we didn’t have the time to meet up for some girl’s time. It will be fun to go window shopping, maybe get some clothes. We could also look for some clothing for you, if you would like that?”

Your mind circled itself from all the new information. What was a “girl’s time” supposed to be? Clothes? For you? TenTen? Hinata? Looking around shops, they would like to get to know you?

Thus, you didn’t realize that your mouth opened, that your tongue formed a meek response-question, all hesitant and silent. “You really would like to have me there?”

Only when Sakura nodded, her smile soft and happy and accepting, you were able to relax. The old insecurity shone through. The fear of being disliked and shunned away, the fear of being unwelcome and outright hated flared up, when Sakura uttered just an innocent and perfectly fine invitation. She wanted you there, she wanted to introduce you to more people, she wanted you present and participating in this “girl’s time”.

“Sure,” you choked out, “I would like to. Thanks.”

“No problem. Maybe,” she wiggled her eyebrows, in a way you couldn’t decide if you liked the motions or not, “we can even find something nice for you to impress Kakashi-sensei!”

Your face was as red as a tomato again, but before you could protest against her resolution, Sakura raised her hand. “Wait, we’re here. The greenhouses.”

The greenhouses. Your stomach dropped. Your job was waiting. A couple of freshly built glass houses, doors and windows wide open that some fresh air could lighten up the heated-up situation inside. From your point of view, you could look into the first and biggest one already, where various people cladded into colorful aprons and with sun hats sitting on top of their heads walked around, kneeled in the flower beds, carried buckets of water and earth from one destination to the other. Green leaves, with yellow, white, blue, purple blossoms, spread out all over the place. The smell of freshly cut grass was in the air, an old friend and soothing your troubled nerves with its familiarity. Your muscles seemed to relax. Your eyes took in the sight of the familiar scene like a starving person would take in a generous feast. Your very being seemed to be pulled towards the earth and plants and the different shades of green waiting for you and you only. Despite being tamed and unable to grow freely, they served a purpose, were useful and used all the same.

You were so captured by the promising sight you didn’t notice when heavy, quick steps closed in, like a general coming in to inspect his forces and not liking what he saw. When you finally turned your head away, you were greeted by the sight of Sakura being jumped by a blonde girl with icy blue eyes. On her pretty face was the stress and worry of bigger things, but the mirth sparkled oh so clearly in her eyes. In comparison to the workers inside the greenhouse, she was cladded into purple from head to toe; the top cropped, leaving her stomach free and the skirt stopping at her knees. Armor crinkled slightly as she moved, all in plain sight of her elbows and upper thighs, peeking through the slits of her skirt. If that wasn’t enough, the shinobi sandals told you enough to remind you that this innocent looking girl could probably kill you on the spot if she really wanted, just like Sakura.

“Forehead!” was the first word you heard from her, “What are you doing here? Did you run out of books to put your big forehead to good use?”

Thankfully, it wasn’t directed at you but Sakura, who already had a similar cruel yet teasing grin on her face.

“No, Ino-pig,” she retorted instantly, “but if you would read a good book for once, maybe you wouldn’t be stuck with your own fingers when your bed gets too cold!”

Oh no.

You really didn’t want to be here when Sakura and this... Ino (your boss, dammit, please, Sakura! Keep a hold of yourself!) started an ugly argument which could easily dissolve or spark a full-blown fist fight. For fuck’s sake, it was too early for them to already have a fight! Before you could interject though, the two girls were fully at it, their voices growing louder and louder, the same gleeful pride in their insults shining on their features.

“You didn’t just say that like you also weren’t alone at night!”

“At least I don’t have to take out my frustrations on innocent people!”

“You’re far from innocent!”

“Ino-pig, I swear, we can have a revival of our fight in the Pre Chunin-Exams, and this time, there will be no draw!”

“Really? Well, then lead the way!”

Neither of them moved. Just their expressions finally changed, from an angry scowl to the obvious delight of two friends having a friendly conversation. One of the strangest things you witnessed to this day. Why were they insulting each other like that? They had been downright mean to each other, no mocks and teases. Harsh insults, the threat of violence. So far, you always had associated these kind of things with ill intent, not with the same friendly and peaceful banter you, for example, shared with Kakashi.

However, it seemed to be nothing for the two girls. They broke into bright laughter, only to fall into each other’s arms, already properly greeting each other like friends and acting like friends were supposed to act.

All the while, you stood by the sidelines, questioning your beliefs and views on the complicated social constructs you gained so far. Until Sakura loosened the hug around her friend to gesture you over with happy wrinkles crinkling the corners of her eyes. “Oh yes, this here is (Y/N)-san! You know, the woman who-!”

“Who lived in the woods, yes.” Suddenly, you found yourself in the focus of the same icy blue eyes which could glare and smile easily. “And who had a big garden with interesting herbs. Hey there, my name is Ino Yamanaka. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello.” A curt nod, but then, Ino struggled out of the hug and held out her hand. Clearly an invitation, clearly anticipating something. After a few tense moments, you shook her hand, your own too sweaty and too shivery as you touched hers. “Nice to meet you, too.” You added, after a few more moments. Too late, too awkward.

“I heard a lot about you already. Something about your green thumb?”

“I certainly don’t have green thumbs.”

“Oh no.” A grin tugged at Ino’s mouth. “Not literally. Your gardening, your skills. That’s what I’m interested in. As you can see,” she mentioned vaguely inside the greenhouse, “we’re quite busy. The destruction of Konoha also destroyed most of our supplies and spare plants we had beforehand, so we’re relying heavily on the other villages to help us out and send new samples. Thank god for the new peace treaty, am I right?”

“Yeah,” you answered slowly, “that’s… a really good thing.”

“For now, we pay all of our workers and helpers on a weekly base. Tsunade-sama suggested to allow you to start as a part-timer, and currently, we offer…” She tugged a small notebook out of her pouch clipped to the belt of her skirt, scribbled a number on it, ripped the page out of the book, only to hand it to you. “This much for a part-time position. If you do good, we can eventually move you up into a full-time position. Of course, if you do a good job, act responsible and work hard.”

This… this is an awful lot of money?

This is too much. She must’ve gotten something wrong.

“Is this right?” you asked, stretching the paper again out to her.

Ino looked it over, and when she shook her head, your heart jumped straight from your chest into your throat, pounding and pounding like a heavy drum. “No, not at all. That’s the usual pay we give our part-timers. It’s a position with lots of responsibilities and highly valued, because the greenhouses deliver the foundation for all our medicine.”

You still tried to wrap your head around the fact that you would be earning this much money on a weekly base (money! Real money, my money, only mine to decide over!), when Ino clapped her hands together, all chipper and excited energy. “Would you like to go inside and see what your workplace will be for the upcoming future? The other workers also would like to get to know you, I’m sure!”

Meeting new people? Not really. Seeing the plants and structure of the greenhouse? Yes, you would like that very much. So, you nodded.

One of Ino’s eyebrows rose. “Not much of a talker, huh? No worries, we will get you to open up a bit more, I’m sure.”

In your opinion, Ino talked enough for the both of you. Plus, her surely well-meant comment sounded to you like a thinly-veiled threat, especially when she suddenly reached out, into your general direction. Merely out of instinct, you flinched backwards, closer to Sakura as well. Between the two girls, you would always select Sakura, just because you knew her better. She was safe. She was known territory, nothing to be afraid of.

You knew Ino noticed your reaction. Thankfully, she didn’t comment on it, beside the raise of both eyebrows into her hairline. With another small motion of her hand, she welcomed you in the greenhouse, and after a second of hesitation, you followed.

The first thing you noticed was the heightened heat. The glass, you realized, captured the rays of the sun and kept it caged inside the house. Explained the opened windows and doors, to avoid giving the workers trouble for working in such warmth. You allowed your eyes to roam around, take in the details, and tried to make sense of what you saw. Every worker seemed happy and relaxed, smiling at you as you met their eyes. The strategically structured flower beds were laid out in a symmetrical pattern; stretching out and containing seemingly more common herbs. On the first glance, you could spot mint in the nearest beds, parsley, sage, thyme, chamomile, lavender, catnip, chives, goatweed, peppermint, stevia, lemongrass and in the far, far back some huge bushes of aloe vera. There were even more; more herbs than you could remember the names of on the top of your head.

The next thing you noticed was the bad shape the herbs were in. Most of them seemed okay at first glance, even on the second, but looking closer revealed that most of the plants were weak and grew new leaves in a sickly white-ish green. Some even showed tiny holes, puncturing through the surface. A sign of parasites. Parasites shouldn’t be acceptable in a garden, not even to talk about an official greenhouse which provided the plants for a hospital.

“I know,” Ino sighed when you glared at her, “I know. We’re working on the infestation problem. But we’re still lacking manpower and we have to turn our attention to even more serious cases than this, believe it or not.”

Sakura had her arms crossed over her chest while watching you inspect the flower beds. “Well, now that (Y/N) is here, she can certainly help you. Did you receive the plant I brought back with me?”

“Yes, but there were some complications with the roots. Apparently, someone cut the main roots off while removing it.”

“Don’t look at me like that, Ino-pig! I removed it just like you taught me! I’m not responsible when your teaching is simply not any good!”

In your back, Sakura and Ino continued to bicker. Your concentration though drifted off elsewhere. To the nearby flower beds, filled with commonly known herbs and flowers. Not hard to care for, but also not hard to fuck up their care either. Gently, you crouched down and raised one of the leaves of a sickly and particularly weakly looking mint plant.

You instantly flinched back, wiped your hands on your pants. Fucking parasites. A true multitude of small dark spots, crawling all over the delicate underside of the leaves. With the routine of someone who had done the same motion for years, you checked all the other plants in your vicinity. Yes, all infected, with one of the worst break-outs of leaf eaters you had ever seen. Was it possibly…?

You dug your fingers into the earth, deep and deeper until you hit the hard underground. Scooping a handful of the earth out, you let the mix of old soil run through your fingers. A testing sniff, a little inspection, and you moved out of your crouch to face off your new boss of ten minutes.

“What is this shit show here?” you growled. “I thought you would care for the plants, not ruin them.”

Only after a few seconds, Ino ripped herself away from the strange friendly mock-fight with Sakura. “What did you just say?” she hissed back, her bright blue eyes squinted and already burning in real anger. “This is not a shit show! We’re doing our best-!”

“Your so-called “best” is worth the earth you used for these herbs. Exactly nothing, nothing plus the absolutely worthless chemicals you used to quickly boost the plants here. If you fuck up this badly with the easy herbs,” your hand waved in a wide arc over the widespread other flower beds you hadn’t checked so far, “then I don’t want to imagine what you’re doing to the truly fickle ones.”

You were heavily aware of how loud your voice was. The scolding words cracked through the air like a whip; sharp and hurting, tearing down the hard work of these people. Some of them eyed you by now with slight disdain, some of them even shook their heads before gesturing crudely into your direction.

It didn’t matter. These plants needed your help. There was no other choice.

With a low snort, you interrupted Ino before she could even attempt to excuse herself in – without a doubt – one of the most pitiful attempts at defense historically known. “Spare me the effort. Just show me around and tell me what you want me to do, then I can tell you what you can do to improve this mess.”

And maybe, the little outbreak caused Ino to have a little bit of respect for you. At least, she had only lost some of her former smiles, replaced by the seriousness of someone who truly cared for the plants and the greenhouses. With the efficiency of someone who had gone through the same spiel one too many times, she rambled off a list of tasks which would be your duty, alongside the other part-timers in the greenhouses. Trying to gain control over the infestation of leaf eaters, watering the plants and cutting them down, weeding unwanted plants out, even some potions and balms were made on site to avoid the risk of the herbs going bad, which was especially a thing for the more fickle ones, as you had worded it. The usual work for a garden; work you already knew like the back of your hand. New to you were the social interactions coming along: bundling up the portioned herbs and delivering them to the hospital and the several shops around the village, taking orders from the shops, reaching out to the other villages to stock up on the sparse greenery, and if necessary, filing for a mission request to search for a particular plant if all other attempts failed. All tasks which would you potentially require to go around Konoha and interact with other people.

Tsunade probably knew this. Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke too. No wonder they didn’t argue too harshly against this job.

An easy introduction to the new environment by combining work you lived for and tasks you couldn’t avoid. Truly, the plan of a mastermind. You would’ve smiled to yourself if not for the proximity of Ino, who was still rattling down the list of tasks, rules and guidelines. Team 7 knew you too well, especially Kakashi. Strangely enough, you couldn’t bring himself to care a lot. In fact, it was almost pleasant, to know some other people knew you. Knew you and cared about your likes and dislikes, little routines and tried to make you more comfortable.

“Have you considered planting dill in here?” you asked, interrupting Ino in her speech.

The girl blinked slowly, clearly not used to being ignored. Then, she shook her head. “Why? Would it help?”

“Dill attracts predatory insects, such as wasps. They would help lower the amount of leaf eaters. But the main problem which brought in the parasites in the first place isn’t solved. You need new earth.”

“New earth?” she echoed. One look of Ino to Sakura, full of doubts at your declaration and the hard work ahead if she would agree to your assessment. Of course, it would be hard work. Exchanging all the earth in the makeshift flower beds, mixing up new earth with the right ingredients, and resettling the herbs back into their flower beds would be a pain in the ass, but it was necessary to guarantee the survival of the already infested plants. And even these desperate and radical measures weren’t foolproof. Some herbs would still die off, some would be hard to save, but if your methods were accepted, then there was a chance.

Sakura nodded. Just once. A sharp, decisive nod. And it worked. Ino sighed, but nodded along, then looked at you with a fresh, determined light shining in her eyes. “Alright. What’s wrong with our current one?”

“The current one is utter shit. What kind of soil do you use?”

“As you already found out, we had to quickly boost our plants to get the results we needed. A chemical solution was at the time for the best.”

“But that time is over. We need new earth for the herbs to recover properly. New earth, fresh and rich with natural soil.” You were already in the motion of rolling your sleeves up and wiping some strands of your hair out of your face. “A lot of work, I know, but in the long run, it will be healthier and more productive for everyone involved. So... Where do we start?”

Chapter Text

You stood knee-deep in a pile of earth when Ino called out your name to catch your attention. Looking up, you wiped a few strands out of your face that had fallen before your eyes. 

“Yes?”

Ino’s previously almost immaculate appearance had fallen away; fallen away to the buckets and buckets worth of used up earth from the greenhouses and again, buckets and buckets of freshly mixed-up earth from the forest — and according to your instructions. Dirt was smeared across her features, leaves were stuck in her once spotless blonde hair, but her cheeks were red with excitement and her eyes sparkled in the smug satisfaction of doing hands-on tasks. Not only delegating, but actually working; doing something. Even if it only concerned moving earth from point A to point B.

Her smile was blinding as you climbed out of the pile of earth. “We’re done for today. Damn, the others had already left, and I only stayed behind because paperwork is never done. You were really into it, mixing up the earth with the worms and the other… stuff…”

You couldn’t help yourself but to snort under your breath. Other stuff, yes. The scent of the compost you ordered Ino to get from the surrounding shops certainly made the blonde wrinkle her nose a bit, but then, she overcame her initial aversion. They had all worked like mad men to at least switch out the earth of the first flower beds and replant the very first plants; the ones which had been hit the worst with the leaf eater infestation. To be fair, most of these plants couldn’t be saved anymore, or if they were indeed saved, that would be more luck than actually due to the efforts made today.

You could only hope most of them pulled through.

“Tomorrow, even more work will come,” Ino said while she watched how you pulled yourself out of the pile, feet as dirty as they could be and pants rolled up, “and you already stayed past your hours. Of course, I will note that overtime in your next paycheck.”

You were busy trying to brush off your feet, didn’t even register her words or the implications at first. Only when Ino turned to go, you looked up, finally realizing what that possibly meant.

“Wait!”

Your young boss stopped, the formerly strait laced pony-tail in the slightest bit of disarray. “Yes?”

“Does that mean I get even more money?”

A little smile spread over her face. One which reminded you that despite the years you had over her, in this environment, Ino and basically everyone around you knew more about the world than you did. “Yes. You willingly stayed past the time you were supposed to, solving a task I handed to you. Of course, the payment will be adjusted accordingly. And because for you, it’s overtime, you will get paid according to a new rate, which is usually higher than your normal one.”

A single raised hand of yours stopped Ino in her explanation. Gods, even more money? So much money you would call your own, when you never had a single ounce of it to pay for something. Another first; another first in this new, strange, exciting environment. Definitely appreciated.

(You had to ask Kakashi or someone else what to do with that kind of money. Hell, it wasn’t even sure if you would stay in Konoha or not, why would you need that much money? Damn, your thoughts were just turning around itself at this point, like a snake who had bitten into the end of its body.)

“Okay.” You nodded slowly. “I understand. Thank you.”

“There you are again, all prim and proper, acting like we will all bite you at the smallest chance.” The blonde girl chuckled to herself, before she looked up again and raised her hand for a tiny wave, teasing in its nature and well-meant in its intention. “Tough; I liked the fire you showed while fighting for the herbs. Hope to see more of that in the near future.”

With these cryptid words, Ino left, while you tried to puzzle together what exactly your boss wanted to express with that. Hadn’t been your very first action in this greenhouse to insult the leader and workers there, calling out their methods and forcing them to correct their mistake? The usual reaction you would’ve gotten were disdain at best and open hate at worst.

Confused, you brushed over the soles of your feet and down your lower legs one more time, adjusted the rims of your pants once more and looked around to inspect the surrounding flower beds. Emptied out to the ground, the herbs were carefully arranged at the sides in small flower pots; the weak spark of hope at the sight of the other workers acting in your will bloomed a bit further. They didn’t protest too much against the hours of hard work, only some heavy glares were thrown your way as Ino announced the abrupt change and drastic measures, but quickly obliged when she promised extra pay. Some even looked like they were just happy that there was finally a solution for the infestation and didn’t care about the hard work ahead.

Another plus to stay in the greenhouse. There could be some people which could be interesting to talk with, even share some experience with the plants.

Look at me, thinking about socializing. Where the fuck is my old self who loathed even the tiniest bit of human interaction?

I met people who accepted me, liked me for who I am.

A little soft smile spread on your face, and it even wouldn’t leave when you exited the greenhouse. Orange sunlight illuminating the streets told you that it was indeed evening already, and only when you spotted a familiar figure leaning against a tree and reading an Icha-Icha-book, you remembered with clear-cold clarity that Sakura was supposed to be here.

A groan escaped you. “She left when I didn’t come out, didn’t she?”

Kakashi hummed while turning a page. “Oh, there you are. Yes, Sakura mentioned something like that when I met her on my way here. Pretty busy day?”

“Yes. Busy and dirty. Is she angry?”

“No, I don’t think so. Apparently, Ino explained the issue to her. Something about you acting like a,” for the first time, Kakashi lifted his eyes, the well-known smile-crinkles around them already present, “mean beast hiding behind the cover of a wallflower?” Your groan ripping itself from your lips made the wrinkles in the visible part of his face even deeper. “And something about your hard work and dedication to the plants. I think Ino was quite impressed.”

“At least that.” However, you couldn’t hide the blush spreading on your cheeks. All hot and bothered by the knowledge that the words Ino used to describe you and Kakashi just repeated sounded… nice? Like the younger girl had found acceptance with your gruff personality, even found some kind of like for it in her heart. That was more than you could’ve hoped for.

Without needing a prompt, Kakashi started to walk, his fingers securing the page in his book and not looking up from the letters. After a few more seconds of internal struggles, you followed him into the net of unknown streets and filling roads. The by now usual silence, welcomed after a day of hard work, accompanied the two of you while you both walked at a leisurely pace. Kakashi’s reading gave you the chance to properly think over the measures you had undertaken to save the greenhouses.

On the outside, everything seemed to be fine. The drastic change had been necessary; needed to save most of them. Though, you feared it wasn’t enough. While inspecting the other flower beds, there had been several other problems despite the overlaying infestation of leaf eaters and the underlying main problem of malnutrition, which had caused the first one. Changing the earth seemed big to the workers who had no clue, but you feared it was too little, too late. The infestation was more severe than you believed to be, the malnutrition went on too long to fix it overnight. Even the freshly planted dill, just as weak and fickle as the other herbs around, wouldn’t help quickly.

The plants needed a boost. A quick, natural boost of pure energy. The herbs needed the forest in their greenhouse, the personification of nature, greenery and growth.

They needed your presence. Your proximity. To safely save the herbs, you had to spend some time with them, day for day and night for night, so they could soak up the natural energies you radiated like the goddamn sun radiated light and warmth. You had to do what you had done for your village all these years.

At the mere thought, an ugly, dirty, foul taste spread on your tongue. You grimaced, tasted the shame and hate, the years of usage like a slave. No. Not this, not again. Revealing your heritage to anyone would be… It felt wrong, downright wrong. And you doubted Ino allowed you to set up a camp inside the greenhouses without an explanation. A detailed explanation, exactly laying out why the hell she should permit a newcomer who barely was able to communicate nicely with others to stay after hours. A mere “It’s for the plants” wouldn’t suffice. Not for Ino, not for anyone else.

“I can feel your heavy thoughts.”

And again, Kakashi hit the nail right on the head. Masked face still buried in his novel, but apparently not reading much, he ripped you out of your so-called heavy thoughts. As you dared to glance at him, he raised his eyes as well. He met them head-on, black and deep, and showing just a shade of worry. 

“What’s bothering you?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, “There’s something you think about which is too heavy to bear alone. Questions. Something about the plants, maybe?”

“How…?”

“Some educated guessing, paired with the knowledge that Ino was still worried about the plants when she talked to Sakura when they met around midday. And when the Yamanaka heiress is worried about the plants, then I figured…” He shrugged, snapped his book shut and secured it in one of the many pockets on the inside of his vest. “I figured it would be even worse for you.”

He knows me so well.

“Yes,” you breathed, “yes. Seems I’m too easy to figure out.”

“Oh no. Comes with the job. So… What’s bothering you?” he repeated, his concentration fully on you and your actions, words and motions. He gave you his full attention, and you nearly would’ve spilled your guts then and there, just because no one else had ever given you this much attention when you were discussing with yourself, but then you were reminded of the other people around.

“Not here,” you said, pressed the words through your front teeth, “later. It’s… too open.”

For a second, he didn’t seem to understand. Then, he nodded, maybe remembering what you were able to do and what happened without your active doing. Or maybe, he just nodded because it was appropriate or because he had no clue whatsoever. Who knew with him?

But Kakashi dropped the topic for now, so it really didn’t matter. “Do you think you can take some more interaction for today?”

“I guess it won’t hurt me anymore than it already has.”

“Good. The team wanted to meet you again and Naruto insisted to invite you for dinner. Ramen, it is.”

Ramen. Naruto’s proclaimed favorite food. I remember.

“Oh.” 

You breathed out, dirt still clinging beneath your fingernails and hair still sticky with sweat. Not dressed to go out, definitely ready for another bath. After a day’s hard work, that was necessary. But for a good meal, you could always make room.

Maybe because I don’t mind the company, too.

“Sounds good to me.”

“Very well.” 

A simple nod was everything it took for Kakashi to offer the crook of his arm yet again, and not even a single exhale lasted before you took the chance to touch him again. Like it belonged there, your hand settled into the bend elbow, and like you two had established this routine over weeks and months, you continued the path down the quickly filling street. You had to smile to yourself. Strange. A few months ago, the mere thought of having a human near you would’ve repulsed you to the very core, but now… The touch of Kakashi was special; special enough to make you soft and tingly, strangely weak in the knees. An emotion you would’ve never dared to dream of in a thousand years, even with all the fantasy you had.

Except… Except the dream you had in the dreamworld. The dreamworld Naruto told you about, the dreamworld which displayed all the wishes and secret fantasies of the one captured inside it. There had been a special someone, and you could faintly remember the same emotion running through you experienced at the moment. Only now, it was stronger, more real, all-encompassing and wonderful, running through your bloodstream like poison.

And you were also pretty sure it was more than just a fleeting circumstance, neither born out of the moment and not out of falsely directed idolism. That would’ve been gone by now, wiped away or intensified to the level of an obsession. No, even worse. The earlier mere crush turned into more; into something more powerful and more terrible. Everything the author in the Icha-Icha-books described and even more. So much… More.

A simple touch, a word, and you would be gone. Falling apart at the seams, held together by the barest threads of your personality. Fickle and incredibly delicate, compliant and so strange that it confused the hell out of you.

When the small stand came into view, now illuminated by orange lanterns and the surrounding street lamps, you could feel Kakashi’s arm twitch under your fingers, before the limb grew almost uncomfortably still. He forced himself to hold still, you realized, but before you could fully retreat, Kakashi’s hand was back on yours.

“No. Just…” He sighed, then his steps faltered and stopped. “Sakura probably already told the others about what she saw today. I’m just worried about what they will say if they see it directly.” Again, his arm flinched; the same arm you still held onto.

“I can let go,” you offered immediately, but the shinobi only shook his head.

“It’s meaningless. They already know.” Kakashi stated, eyebrows drawn together and a dark premonition probably dawning over his mind. A few more seconds of hesitant fidgeting, then his head lowered itself the tiniest bit, alongside his shoulders. “Well, nothing like the present. I should get this over with.”

Before you could say anything, Kakashi gently tugged you along. Not ashamed of your presence or the contact you established. Insecure because of something else, but nothing you could pinpoint without guessing. With his free hand, he brushed the noren aside, while you still clung to the other arm like a spider monkey, excitement and nervousness running through your body.

Sasuke was the first one to look up from the counter. Black, bottomless eyes met yours, before he elbowed Naruto, who was in an animated talk with Sakura. The blond boy paused in the middle of his sentence, turned his head, only to nearly split his face in half when he noticed who entered the shop.

“(Y/N)-san!” 

Before you could react in any way, Naruto charged at you with his usual wild, boundless energy. His arms were wrapped around your shoulders faster than an anaconda could attack, forcing you into a hug you didn’t mind that much. In fact, you weakly and awkwardly tried to pat his upper arms, always aware that Sakura giggled at the exchanged affections and Sasuke seemed to be slightly disgusted by it, measured at the wrinkle of his nose and the slight huff coming from his direction. Kakashi’s reaction you couldn’t gauge, but you heard a weak sigh, followed by “No respect for their former teacher…” whispered under his breath.

“Hey, Naruto.” You mumbled into his blond strands, breathing in the scent of ramen and something which could only be described as sunny. “How are you?”

“Just wonderful, believe it!” He was beaming as he backed away, the cheeks crinkled and the engraved whiskers moving alongside the motion. “It’s always good to be back home. And now I can show you my favorite food in the whole wide world, Ichiraku’s Ramen! Come on, it’s my treat, believe it!”

Before you could protest, hell, before you could do more than blink in hesitant joy, Naruto had already pushed you down into a stool where he previously sat. To your left, Sasuke studied with intense focus the wooden countertop and to your right, Sakura threw a knowing grin at you when your eyes met.

“Well, oh well,” the girl leaned over and whispered into your ear, “that was an awfully chummy embrace you had there with Kakashi-sensei…”

A glare hit her, but Sakura only giggled. “Aaah, don’t be so mean to me! Remember,” her eyebrows wiggled in a way which reminded you vaguely of Ino, “I believe he also likes you.”

“Who likes whom?”

Unnoticed by his students, Kakashi had taken a seat to the left of Sasuke, right by the wall of the small shop. Masked face hidden behind one of his books, his dark eyes peered over the edges and pages. Apparently, the shop was too small to have secret conversations.

You could feel your face grow warmer by the mere touch of his vision on your skin. Which was absolute bullshit, considering that Kakashi merely looked at you, but your body was of a different opinion.

If that was really how it felt to have an irreversible crush on someone, then you were officially screwed, considering you lived under the same roof with Kakashi.

However, you didn’t have time to lament for hours and hours over the new feelings tingling through your body. As soon as you broke the contact with Kakashi’s eyes, a bowl of ramen was settled onto the countertop, directly in front of your nose. You peered inside, prepared for anything and everything imaginable…

The first whiff of the aromatic broth made you pause. The second, cautious nose had you interested. With the third one, you were totally gone. Gone to the rumbling of your empty stomach, gone to the scent of steamed vegetables, chicken and noodles, gone to the mixture of all of the named ingredients and a few more you couldn’t pinpoint. Spittle pooled in your mouth, and you were so close to pant and spill long threads of saliva everywhere like a starving dog.

You nearly didn’t manage to bring out a little “thank you” to the cook and the woman handing you your food, before you grabbed the chopsticks and dug in after a quick word of ‘Itadakimasu’. The first bite burned your tongue, unsurprisingly. Nevertheless, you chewed, tasted, swallowed and tried to breathe around the heavenly taste in your mouth.

“Hoo, young miss, take it easy.” The old cook laughed while stirring the massive pot, where more of the noodles waited to be sold and eaten. “Ramen won’t run away from you. Even though I’m honored you want to devour my cooking, of course!” 

More hoarse, roaring laughter, which kind of reminded you of the laughter of the old men in your village. This laughter though was nice and friendly instead of cruel and hateful. Nothing like back then, back there.

Embarrassed, you moved your hands slower, dared to really savor the taste of the broth and noodles and vegetables and meat, took everything in with a reverence of a plant turning their head towards the sun. Beside you, you could listen to Naruto’s hasty slurping, Sakura’s careful handling of her chopsticks and Sasuke’s soft snort as he picked apart his own bowl. Nothing from Kakashi and when you turned your head towards him, you could see his already empty bowl and the bright moss-green of his Icha-Icha-novel again covering part of his face.

Kakashi tended to eat fast in the presence of others, you already noticed, to hide his face with an endurance you had never watched anywhere before. At this point, you guessed that it was just as much a tick than it was a funny thing to waste his students’ time on. It had also the nice side effect that it drew away the attention from you and more to the antics of the younger team members, who more or less noticed the empty bowl after a few more minutes of silent munching and started to ogle at their sensei, also more or less stealthily.

This, you thought to yourself and smiled around another bite of noodles, this could be something to get used to.

So far, Konohagakure had proven to be a pleasant place. With good people living there. No one judged you yet; had even welcomed you with open arms. However, none of them had seen what you were truly able to do. They hadn’t seen you move around things with your mere will, don’t know the influence you had on plants yet, didn’t know your dark past yet. The scale slightly leaned towards staying in Konoha, but only slightly. You were positively hesitant, looking forward to tomorrow and what it would bring.

Well, figuratively speaking. In a literal sense, you needed the second opinion of Kakashi, what you were supposed to do with the problem in the greenhouses and how you should go about it.

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Hours later, after finishing the indeed delicious ramen, hours after listening to the misfits ramble on about this and that, hours after the sun completely sunk and the moon started to rise, you had to say that this meeting with the younger members of Team 7 actually had been fun. The muscles around your mouth hurt a bit from all the smiling you did into the ramen bowl, to not let your companionship know how much you enjoyed their presence. Hours after all of this, you entered the Hatake compound again, following Kakashi on his heels and sighing in relief when the door fell closed in your back.

Like an old routine, the man started to heel his sandals off, all the while his arms moved to shrug the vest off his shoulders. “And? How did you like it?”

“It was… It was nice. Really nice.” Cautious of any dark footprints, you tried to look at the wooden floor. Did you leave some dark smudges or not? Hard to tell, so you kept on creeping over the floor like you would creep through the underbrush while being on the hunt. “The ramen was good.”

“Yeah.” Kakashi snorted. “And it’s always a sight to see how Naruto just breathes them in, bowl after bowl.”

“Definitely.” Indeed, Naruto had breathed his five bowls of ramen in like it was nothing. If it hadn’t been so amusing and fascinating to watch, you would’ve been scared for the teen, that he would either dislocate his jaw or choke on something too big for his throat.

“But my question was more aimed at the presence of the team and the socializing part. Did you mind it a lot?”

“Not as much as I anticipated.” 

It helped that you knew the misfits. It also helped that they didn’t see the need to necessarily include you in their conversations. Merely a few questions about your day had been asked, otherwise, they had left you alone and allowed you to recharge a little bit. They had understood and left you alone.

Kakashi nodded slowly. He nudged his sandals into place and walked without another word or a mere look over his shoulder into the kitchen. You followed, aimless and not knowing what to do or say to start the talk which would without a doubt follow.

Inside the kitchen, Kakashi was already nestling with the water cooker. A quick smile over his shoulder when he noticed that you followed, before he gestured to you and vaguely in the direction of the table. “Have a seat. Do you also want some tea?”

“Sure.”

Silence reigned, only interrupted by the shuffles of his naked feet over the tiles and the bubbling of the heating water. You watched how the shinobi stretched to reach for the higher cupboards, grabbing two porcelain mugs and settling them with a strangely gentle gesture onto the surface of the countertop. A small sliver of skin became visible, only to be hidden again by a conscious gesture into his back which straightened out the fabric of his long-sleeved shirt again.

A shame, truly.

“So…” He stretched out the single syllable, paused, then continued, like he had to overthink his words over and over. “What was bothering you? It’s definitely more private now.”

You nodded. “It is indeed.”

“Care to tell me?”

“Yeah. Just…” A sigh dropped from your mouth. “I don’t know how to properly say it.”

“Then describe it. I don’t mind.” Water was poured into one cup, then into the other one. Slow and steady, the full sound filling the small kitchen easily. Another eye-crinkling, hidden smile over his shoulder; a smile which made your heart beat faster and your face heat up. “We have all the time in the world.”

“Alright.” Your head was empty. Sheer emptiness, blaring and threatening with stumbled words and broken sentences. Then, the pictures of the mangled, disregarded plants came up before your inner eye. Sickly green, weak, destroyed by parasites. And together with the plants, the possibility…

“The greenhouses are in a bad state,” you started, whispered into the room, “the plants are… There is an infestation going on. Parasites, leaf eaters. One of the worst cases I’ve ever seen. I immediately told Ino that we had to change out the earth, mix natural soil into it, give the earth the chance to breathe. We did that and will continue to do so over the coming week, but I fear… I fear that won’t be enough.”

A hum from Kakashi trailed through the air as he dumped tea leaves in hot water and brought over the two cups. Gently, he placed one in front of you, before sitting down in the seat on the opposite side of the table. His toes brushed against yours, just a gentle touch without any meaning, but so intimate and private that you still could feel your heart stutter.

You needed a second to compose yourself, but then, the words seemed to almost flow out of you like a river. “I know something which might help. I could help. My presence, my… influence on plants. The villagers used me to boost their crops, kept me close until they couldn’t take me anymore. It also kept the plants healthy, made them stronger, resisting against sickness and parasites. I could do that again. I would just need to sleep for a few days at the greenhouses. But,” you swallowed, panicked briefly, only to look into Kakashi’s understanding eyes and continue, “I fear… that, if I reveal my… the range of possibilities, that someone will use me again. I don’t want that. I don’t… I don’t want to give anyone this chance again, but especially… Especially not anyone from here.”

To give anyone the chance to hurt you again. Hurt the trust you slowly build up. And maybe, you didn’t want to give anyone from Konoha the chance to fuck up, to destroy what was laid out already by the hands of Team 7. Maybe, you were already searching for reasons to stay, even when you couldn’t admit it to yourself.

Again, silence filled the kitchen as you waited for an answer. Kakashi didn’t move a muscle. He didn’t even seem to be thinking about an answer at all, just seemed to stare into the cup and the swirling leaves, while you waited with growing anxiety throttling your breath.

Kakashi’s silver strands were hanging into his forehead, not contained by the headband any longer. The unexplainable urge to reach out and feel if they were really as soft as they looked grew in your mind. Just let your fingers run over his scalp, feeling the heat of his skin, your fingertips tugging at the very tips of his hair… Your fingers sliding over his masked cheeks, feeling the line where the mask went into skin and back, straightening out the weak wrinkles on his forehead and around his eyes with your mere touch. A delirious dream, nothing more than a sinful fantasy, to be sighed and swooned over, but never to be mentioned again.

And Sakura really thought Kakashi also harbored the same kind of feelings you had for him? You couldn’t believe that. Not fully, not like this. He was far too calm and far too composed, in total comparison to you. You were blushing and stuttering, fumbling with the edges of your shirt and trying not to think too dirtily about your host.

Kakashi deserved better than this. Deserved better than a wild hermit from the forest. He deserved more; beautiful, graceful and elegant. Not constantly caked in dirt and mud, aggressive and not knowing what to say as soon as you encountered something or someone new.

You only noticed that your hands were red when you carefully loosened the hold around your mug. The porcelain burned you slightly, nothing a little balm wouldn’t fix. Though, you were annoyed it even got so far. Hell, you had stared at Kakashi for so long that you didn’t even notice that you hurt yourself!

Thankfully, Kakashi himself didn’t notice. With a little grunt, he came back to life and took a quick sip from his cup. So quick in fact, that you didn’t even see the motion in which he pulled down the fabric of his mask, just the blur of his arm and the weak sound of flesh hitting wood as his arm dropped again onto the table.

“I believe that your gut will tell you to do the right thing.”

“Wait.” You asked after a moment of tense silence. “Is that everything? To trust my instincts?”

“Yes. To me, the case is clear, because I’m a shinobi of Konoha and know what I’m supposed to do. But you’re not from here, you barely stayed a full day with us. You’re not inclined to do anything. Only your morals, your beliefs and your love for the plants urge you to act against your natural defenses. I understand that.” Kakashi nodded slowly. “I believe that, whatever decision you will make in the end, will be the right one. I trust you, in that regard.”

He trusts me. Trust. Such a huge word.

And he understood. Took into account that you were still full of trust issues. That you still fought with yourself to accept these changes of environment, of social activity, of surroundings. In a sense, Kakashi had chosen the most neutral route he could take in order to back you up. Like a politician, he had selected and twisted his words, but still gave you the feeling of being important enough to give serious thought to your problem. From the very first day, you knew he had to be good with words, and this evening was just another moment going into the reign of moments which had proven your first impression right.

“Thank you,” you answered. “That was strangely enough exactly what I needed to hear.”

“However,” another too fast to see sip, “you don’t have to do this. You can always decline, you can always decide the other way. No one will hold it against you.”

Yes. One person would hold it against you if you didn’t try to save the plants. You; you would always know that you could’ve done something and decided to turn the other way. You would know. The plants didn’t know better. The plants were the victims. The humans fucked up to care properly and you were here to fix this, not look away and act like it didn’t concern you.

Nevertheless, Kakashi tried to show you all of your choices. And that was more than you anticipated, more than you hoped for.

“Thank you,” you repeated, “I think I know now what I should do.”

The creases around Kakashi’s eyes deepened again. “That’s good to hear.”

“You don’t want to know what kind of decision I made?”

“As stated, I trust you. No matter what you choose to do, I believe you made the right choice for yourself.”

In this moment, you wanted to hug Kakashi. Hug him tightly and breathe in his unique scent, embrace this incredible man and never let him go. He supported you, no matter what, understood and cared and let you be. No one else had ever done this for you, no one ever before thought you would need some kind of support.

A smile graced your lips as you raised the porcelain mug again to your mouth. “Good to know. Really good to know. Do you also have something to say to Ino when she surely wants to hear an explanation why a newcomer should be left alone in the valuable greenhouses?”

Kakashi hummed yet again, a sound he seemed to make whenever he would sputter a handful of exceptional wise words. “I believe that maybe, Ino won’t need as much explanation as you think she does. Your first actions really impressed her. At least,” he lowered the cup back to the table, “that’s what I’m guessing.”

“Educated guessing, at least?”

“Take it as you will.”

“Oh, believe me. I will.”

You two shared a secret smile, hidden behind a porcelain mug and a mask, then comfortable silence filled the room yet again, only interrupted by the low sips at hot tea and the occasional breeze around the walls of the house.

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Your usual tricks weren’t working. The herbs only recovered slowly, too slow. Just like you predicted and feared. So many lost plants, so many thrown away because the help they received was indeed too little, too late. And that was why you stood a week after your first day in front of Ino, nausea in your stomach and your heart in a tight grip of anxiety. (Despite your set decision, you still feared the actual moment of trying to convince your boss.)

“You want me,” the girl’s eyebrows vanished again in her hairline, “to let you stay over in the greenhouse?”

“Yes.” You nodded. “Just for a few nights.”

“Why?”

There, the dreaded question. The nausea grew stronger, more biting, but you swallowed it down before the mass could creep into your throat and choke you. Trust your guts, you reminded yourself, trust your instinct. Kakashi is right. If I can’t even trust myself, who possibly could I trust fully?

“There’s one last thing,” you started, “One last thing I can do. But it takes too long to do so in the daytime and, to be honest, it’s my… trade secret. It works best in the night, that much I can say.”

“A trade secret, huh?” Ino’s eyebrows slowly lowered itself back into their usual position. A sign that maybe, she started to believe your half-baked non-truths? Possible. But also, still questionable.

The girl crossed her arms, made a thoughtful face. Her blue eyes flittered across the flower beds, the many workers still carrying around buckets of fresh and old earth, the many, many pots filled to the brim with one, two, three plants because there weren’t enough pots to contain them all for the shortest amount of time… A mess. Barely contained, barely tolerable.

Not enough. Still, not enough.

Ino’s low sigh made you flinch, but when she turned her head, arms crossed over her chest and seemingly prepared for anything, you weren’t prepared for her words.

“Well, if it’s a trade secret…” She shrugged. “I have a cot somewhere. Not the best, obviously, but comfortable, warm. It doesn’t collapse as soon as you try to turn onto your side, also. Do you need some toiletries? Toothbrush, toothpaste?”

“N-Yeah.” Years of habit nearly made you shake your head, but you corrected the gesture. Ino didn’t need to know exactly how rural your lifestyle had been until a month ago. That you were used to make your toothbrush out of a soft, young twig and the toothpaste out of mint leaves and a self-made paste.

“Alright, I can arrange that. Some dinner and breakfast, lunch… Yeah, yeah, I think Lee could be free today…”

“W-wait! Is that really enough for you?” Blank confusion swirled through your head. All the speeches, all the explanations, hell, even the full truth you prepared! Everything was for naught because Ino just accepted? “No explanation? I could try to destroy everything? I am barely here for a full week?”

“And? Does it matter?”

“Well, I mean, yeah?”

Her bright little laughter echoed in the air. “Oh, you silly thing. There’s your wallflower-attitude again. I already told you, I like the mean, bitchy side of yours better! And concerning sleeping inside here and me worrying if you possibly destroy the important stocks of the plants… Are you freaking kidding me?”

You blinked. “No?”

She snapped her fingers and flicked with an obviously practiced motion her long pony-tail over her shoulder. “Everyone here has noticed that you love the herbs more than anything else. You basically coo them while replanting. You would favor cutting yourself into pieces than to destroy a single leaf of these plants. So yeah… If you think whatever you do during the night will help the plants, and even if it would involve a goddamn blood sacrifice and ruthless murder, I wouldn’t care.” A pause, then she sucked in a little bit of air. “Well, of course not murder, you know? That was just a metaphor. What I want to say is, that I trust your judgement when it comes to the plants and greenhouses.”

‘Overwhelmed’ seemed like such a small word to describe the state you found yourself in. First Kakashi, now Ino? And Ino only knew you for a mere week, whereas Kakashi actually had time to build a solid opinion about you. How could she even dare to say that she trusted-!

Her laugh was more than enough to assure you that the girl was secure in her statement. “Oh, I can read your mind! Don’t worry, as long as the plants come out to be fine, I will do a lot. Is that everything you wanted to talk about or is there anything else?”

You shook your head, unable to do more.

Ino clicked her tongue. “Then, I advise you to get back to work. The earth doesn’t switch out itself, even when we’re pretty fast. When your hours are up, come to me and we can set up a little camp and clear up the last details, like food and the resulting overtime.”

“Oh no, not more mo-!”

Ino raised her index finger. “Ah! Don’t talk back to me in that regard. If you’re really staying overnight and do something for the plants, then it still counts technically as work. Don’t fight me on this, you will lose.” She snapped her fingers, then gestured towards the door. “Now go! I really have to find this document and do something about it, or Shikamaru will annoy me endlessly again.”

You didn’t dare to ask who exactly “Shikamaru” was. The important thing was that Ino didn’t ask more questions and didn’t force you to reveal any of your reasoning. The anxiety in your stomach eased a little bit as you exited the office and when you returned to work with the plants, you were even able to forget about the short, tense situation.

Chapter Text

The same day you talked with Ino, you started to pack a bag with the barest essentials once returning to the Hatake compound; a few changes of clothing, here and there a book from the bookshelves to entertain yourself at night, a toothbrush and toothpaste out of the guest bathroom. Small things; things you didn’t want to miss though when you were all alone, sleeping beside the flower beds and watching over them.

Sounded like home, too.

“I take it that she agreed to your plead?”

You really shouldn’t be surprised any longer about the amount of stealth Kakashi possessed. Like a goddamn cat, he was able to sneak into a room, unnoticed by its inhabitant, until he decided to reveal himself with a sly remark and the half-moon smile of his eyes. Nevertheless, you still flinched around, a hand flying upwards to press above your quickly accelerating heart. There, standing against the doorframe, one shoulder shoring his body from falling over—the arms crossed over his chest and the usual flak vest missing and hair even more rumpled than usual—a safe sign he had been home long enough to take a nap, somewhere, somehow.

“I really would prefer if you wouldn’t do that,” you said and turned again towards the backpack on the bed, “It scares me every time.”

“I apologize. It wasn’t my intention to scare you.”

“Well, you did it anyway.” Despite your biting words, you gifted the man a quick smile over your shoulder. “And yes. Ino agreed. I will start sleeping in the greenhouse tonight. I can’t waste any more time than I already have.”

“Okay.”

“I hope the issue will be resolved in a week or two, not longer than that.”

“Alright.”

“Until then,” you closed the backpack and pulled the straps over your arms, “I guess I will stay there.”

“The whole day and night?”

“I think it’s for the best, yes.”

Kakashi nodded, not looking up from the ground, and arms still crossed over his chest. His fingers flexed into the rolled-up sleeves, moving without pause and without any purpose. With your backpack shouldered, feet shuffling over the soft carpet and hands gripping into the straps of your bag, you were ready to go. However, Kakashi still blocked the door, mind elsewhere and apparently not even noticing that he was in your way.

Only when you coughed, once and twice, his head flew up. Dark eyes met yours. “Oh,” he breathed, then stepped aside. “Oh, you’re already done.”

“Yes. Your eyes don’t betray you.” The weak joke fell flat. None of you laughed, just continued to fidget and shuffle around. There was something in the air, unknown and tense. For a second, you wanted to ask, wanted to open your mouth and say something, anything to disturb the moment. The second passed by, thankfully.

Kakashi looked up, the wrinkles around his eyes betraying the smile underneath the mask. “Then, I know what’s up. Do you need any help?”

“No, not really.” You shrugged, the backpack jumped with the motion. “I’m finished, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

He was acting strange. Really strange, even stranger than usual. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah.” A little pause followed. His eyes glazed over ever so slightly, showing you that he was reflecting on his behavior and trying to find out what exactly you found strange, then probably correcting said mistakes to cover up whatever he worried over. Analyzing himself in a clinical, sterile way like probably only a high-level shinobi could and would.

You act like you are some expert on the topic. Give it a rest.

“No,” he finally, and also, surprisingly admitted, “It’s…” Kakashi shook his head, without ever finishing the sentence. However, his eyes were clear again when he looked into your face, and that had to be a good sign. Had to be. “Nothing. It’s really nothing. I apologize.”

“For what?”

“For worrying you.”

“It was just a statement that I made, nothing else.”

“A right one, nonetheless.”

This situation grew more and more awkward. Even you, with your underdeveloped social skills and sense for situations noticed that. The moment was dragged out by every word, every sentence and question uttered. You could’ve been on the way back to the greenhouses by now, but you weren’t. Strangely enough, you also didn’t mind wasting the time, even when you adamantly stated only minutes ago that you already wasted enough time.

If you wasted time with Kakashi, it seemed worth the increasing weight on your shoulders.

Though, he still seemed hesitant, almost cautious and insecure when you stepped out of the room, brushing past him and merely a few centimeters apart. You couldn’t let him be like this. That wasn’t him. Maybe, if you asked…?

“Kakashi? Is really everything alright?”

The question felt so foreign on your tongue. Never concerned for the wellbeing of another, never in the position to worry and care, and yet, you were here, trying to make someone else feel better, no matter what was weighing on their mind. You could feel how the blush rose; spread over your cheeks, nose and forehead, even up to the tips of your ears.

To your relief though, Kakashi understood nevertheless. He nodded, a few strands astray, eyes crinkled around the edges and one arm raised to wave vaguely around. “Maa, I’m sorry to worry you so much. It’s really nothing. Just some stuff that I need to think about, nothing else. And it’s also not about you living with me,” he added after another second. “My doors are always open for you.”

Damn, and again! He was reassuring you, not the other way around! The way how Kakashi would deflect any advance towards him was so incredibly annoying that-!

And now, please ask yourself why you’re feeling that way. Please do so.

Because I’m crushing hard on him.

Yes, because you’re crushing hard on him. Good job.

There was a vague, unclear image of what you wanted to do in your head. Quite foggy, to be honest, but still there. Almost a copy of what Kakashi did for you with his physical closeness and allowing you to touch him, hold onto him when you were out. You were close, close enough to reach out to the hand he held up and touch it with trembling fingers. The skin of his palm was rough beneath your fingertips as you held your breath, then dared to push further—push your fingers upwards, flattening them against the palm of his hand, until yours was nestled against his;  every joint and every tip pressed against each other. The thumbs were on opposite sides, so you were able to hook your thumb around his hand and hold it there, when you felt the tiniest tug of Kakashi who wanted to withdraw.

“I know what you’re doing for me,” you whispered as your fingers found the spaces between Kakashi’s fingers and slipped inside, wrapping your fingers fully around his hand, “and I want you to know I want to do the same for you. If you allow me, of course.”

Gods, this moment was so awkward. You felt it in your bones, in your very soul. A queasy kind of pressure, boiling down onto a single point of shame, giddy anticipation and strangely enough, happiness—happiness which caused you to blush brightly; shame which caused you to pull away after a few seconds of close contact; and giddy anticipation to answer Kakashi’s quizzical look. 

“I understand though,” your hand was still tingling with an afterimage of Kakashi’s fingers digging into your skin, “when you don’t want to tell me. I can be quiet. I prefer that, actually.”

“I know.” His hoarse whisper made you flinch; made you take another step closer to the front door. You didn’t expect anything from Kakashi. Not a word, not an explanation, not a single syllable why he was so absent-minded. It just would be… nice to know? To possibly ease the burden on his mind?

Does he really feel the same way about me? Does he want to do the same? To support me quietly from the shadows if I need it? Or does he want to do something else?

This touch was everything their touches hadn’t been before. Before, Kakashi initiated them. Made them accidental, easy to be brushed off and put aside. This touch though was neither. It was neither accidental, nor was it easy to forget about, and you were the one to touch Kakashi. Willingly, for his sake. Not the other way around.

Something world-changing had happened in that very moment. For others, it was merely a small touch, but for you… You had proven to yourself that you had the guts to reach out and take another step on the long way towards trusting other people. Shown to yourself that the skyrocketing of your heartbeat was no mistake or coincidence, that it was directly correlated to the proximity of Kakashi. And you had proven to yourself that you wanted to touch him again, again and again and again, until you got tired of it.

With your luck though, you wouldn’t be the one to get tired of touching him, but he would be the one.

Your hand flexed, fingers curling in your palm as you swiftly turned around and exited the compound, the ears still burning and trying not to think too much about the awkwardness of the situation. Gods, hopefully Kakashi would let it be when you returned. You couldn’t imagine actually talking about the strange urge.

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The door fell close, minutes passed, but Kakashi was still staring at his hand. The hand which (Y/N) held. Warm and small, calluses all over the joints of her fingers, trembling faintly and yet so secure and steady in her gesture.

She reached out. She was the one to reach out and touch him. With a silent groan, he crouched down, buried his reddened face in his hands and groaned again. And he just stood there like an idiot! He let it happen and just said this cryptid: “I know.”

What a dumb thing to say. How dumb could he actually be?

Kakashi had been able to control himself over the last few days. Mostly because (Y/N) was busy, left early in the morning and only returned late in the night, always with these deep wrinkles engraved in her forehead. The little highlights of his day had been the meals they shared, when she wolfed her food down and told him with a few, precise words what exactly she had done that day to try and save the plants.

His crush grew worse. Kakashi had no trouble to admit he loved to listen to her voice. However, he had trouble from reaching over and taking her hands into his, trying to reassure her and easing the wrinkles away. He wanted to be closer than he ever wanted to be to another person. With her, he could be silent, he could be who he was. He had no reputation to uphold, no expectations to meet. To (Y/N), he was just Kakashi. Not the future Hokage, not the dangerous general of one of the platoons in the last war, not an infamous target in a bingo book.

And now, she reached out to him. Tried to ease his mind when he was just so confused about the fact that his house would feel empty again while his guest left. He didn’t want (Y/N) to leave. Kakashi wanted her to stay, and that was probably the most confused he ever had been since puberty hit him with a squeaky voice and gangly limbs.

Once more, Kakashi groaned into his folded hands. Damn, that felt good. At the same time, the shinobi was already hoping that curing the plants wouldn’t take too long. The empty house seemed to grow around him already, too far out to fill in some noise of life and activity from the outside and too big to fill with noise on his own.

With a last sigh, he picked himself up from the ground. Another longing look towards the front door, then Kakashi turned around, all the while biting into his thumb and forming a few quick hand seals which were just as much a part of him as the scar over his left eye.

A quick slam of his hand onto the ground, smoke exploding in the hallway, then the well-known voice of Pakkun reached Kakashi’s ears. “Hey, Kakashi. What’s up?”

“Nothing much,” he said and moved out of his crouch, “Just a bit lonely around here.”

Slowly, the smoke vanished and only left behind the smell of wet dog and the sight of his full pack of summons, curled over and around each other in a big ball of fur, blue vests and begging eyes. Their dog-whining and soft yipping, together with the fact that they immediately understood they weren’t here for a mission, but to keep him company, made Kakashi finally relax the tiniest bit.

He used to do this a lot as a kid, when the Hatake compound was too big and too lonely for a small child of barely six years. The shadows were too dark and candlelight could only do so much to chase the loneliness away. Thus, the dogs. They were there for him, a memento of his father who guided him for such a long time ago through the contract to summon his pack, which would soon grow to be more of a family than mere summons.

Bull wiggled his massive body out of the pile, tongue lolling out and spittle drooling absolutely everywhere, before he threw himself towards Kakashi with the abandon of a dog hoping for treats and chin scratches. It was like being hit with a living wrecking ball, but nothing Kakashi hadn’t handled before. A snort escaped him, before the slobbering dog buried him beneath him, the whole body shaking and vibrating at seeing his master.

Yes, living with the dogs wouldn’t be too bad. Even though Pakkun obviously had questions, measured at the short sniff in the direction of the guest room and the asking look the pug threw his way.

Later, Kakashi decided, while he already rubbed Bull’s belly, later, I have to explain it to him.

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Just like Ino promised, the cot they set up at the sidelines of the flower beds seemed safe enough to toss and turn in. When you pressed down on it with your flat hand, it even seemed more similar to your old bed back in the depths of the woods than the dream of a cloud you had in the Hatake compound. Just as hard, and not nearly as uncomfortably soft. If not for the many questions Ino directed at you while doing so, you would’ve nearly enjoyed spending time with her.

“So,” she smacked her lips while straightening out for the untempt time invisible wrinkles in the blanket, “Sakura picked you up on her last mission? Straight out of the forest?”

And for the untempt time, you barely stopped yourself from rolling your eyes at the thinly veiled interrogation. “Yes. She and the others from Team 7.”

“How was it, living all alone out there?”

“Silent.”

“Oh, I can only imagine. However, I would probably go insane when there’s no one around to talk to, you know?”

“That I can indeed imagine.”

Ino clasped her hands together, still cheery despite the badly hidden insults you hurled at her. “Aw, there is my mean cat again! Just be glad you still have the puppy-safety on, otherwise we would fight each other like Sakura and I do!”

“Can’t wait for it.”

Evening broke over Konoha, coloring the high mountain with the big stony faces into an intense orange-yellow light. The first hues of dark blue were already waiting on the horizon, the first stars twinkling, and the moon started to rise over the trees. All of this was visible through the glass-roof of the greenhouses. It almost seemed like you were sleeping right underneath the stars, like you were back in the forest. Together with the smell of fresh earth, the whisper of the plants surrounding you, and the calmness around you, you could almost pretend that you were back home.

Almost.

For a short moment, your mind wandered back to the strange, awkward situation with Kakashi. The weird touch you bestowed upon him, the blank expression in his eyes, not knowing what to say and not knowing what to do. Thankfully, you didn’t have to explain yourself for the next few days. Maybe completely avoiding Kakashi for a bit would even help to ease the feelings for him, at least a tiny bit.

False weak hope, but still, hope.

Again, the short-lived cringe-moment came back into your mind, too powerful to bury it under the mere setting-up of a sleeping place for you. You grimaced, then quickly went back to arrange your backpack on the folded blanket.

“You know,” Ino whipped her hair over her shoulder and nearly hit you, “I could also sleep in here. When I think about it, this could be a great place to enforce some teamwork too, to plan and share a night under the stars with the co-workers…”

“When you’re sleeping in here, I can’t do my thing.”

“Oh, come on! Please, let me know!” 

Apparently, Ino decided her best chance laid in begging you instead of sneaky questioning. Unluckily for her, begging and pleading made you even more back off. Granted, with a little grin on your face, telling the girl enough to try and pursue you even further, and you allowed her to bother you.

Strangely enough, you actually found yourself liking Ino. At the start, you believed her energetic, boosting and loud personality would be a turn-off, but she possessed just enough bite for all her barking to make her energy tolerable.

While shaking off her pleads and begs, smiling to yourself and showing a fierce grimace to your boss, you didn’t notice how the night spread over Konoha, neither you noticed the shadowy figure settling into the crown of a nearby tree. From the tree, the figure had a very good view on the entire area around, especially the transparent walls of the greenhouse.

It was their job after all.

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Kakashi wasn’t amazed when he found himself for the third night in a row wide awake and somehow anxious in his kitchen, a mug with lukewarm tea in front of him and in his hands a worn-out copy of the Icha-Icha-Paradise. In fact, he had expected something like this when he moved back into his father’s home, the house of his unfortunate childhood. Nothing could beat the newly awakened nightmares, filled with the still warm corpse of his father. Oh yeah, other, more normal nightmares of Rin being impaled on his own hand, or seeing Obito coming back to life to blame him, like his old friend already did.

Kakashi sighed and flipped to the next page. No, sleep wouldn’t come to him tonight either, and he preferred it that way. Otherwise, his throat would be hoarse from all the quiet sobbing and his pillow would probably be wet from the tears he would hide in the fabric.

All over the kitchen tiles, his pack had spread out. In total difference to their summoner though, they found sleep easily after a day of playing around, hunting through the woods and hearty meals. They had filled his house with so much life that Kakashi nearly forgot what was waiting for him in the depth of the night.

“Still awake, Boss?”

Except for Pakkun, of course. The pug wiggled out of the embrace of his pack members (he had been caged between Bisuke and Urushi, both slobbering and drooling all over their leader), all the while looking at Kakashi with the same look a father would give his son after finding out he had broken the urn of the great grandmother.

Kakashi raised his mug slightly. “As you can see.”

“Didn’t think you would let someone live here.”

“I surprise myself every day.”

“Who is she?”

“Our latest mission.”

“The beast from the woods?”

The man grimaced into the cup as he took another sip. “Yeah. We found out that the people who offered the reward lied about… Well, everything. Probably to save some money, maybe knowing we wouldn’t issue the mission otherwise.”

“Fine.” Pakkun yawned, showing off his small yet mean-looking teeth. “But what is she doing here now?”

“Living here. Getting used to people again.” Kakashi shrugged. “She wants to rework the backyard.”

With a low growl—nothing more than a good-natured grumble for a human—the pug jumped over the lowly breathing, slumbering bodies around him, only to heave himself into Kakashi’s lap in the end. “Good. It’s a mess out there.”

“I know. Brushing Guruko after he stumbled into the thistles was after all my job.” And his hands still stung from hand-picking some of the nastier ones out of the scruffy fur.

“Is it really necessary though for her to live here?”

“Yes.” Obviously not, his thoughts chimed in.

Pakkun blinked. “It’s really not, Boss.”

“Really? Well, better throw her out then.”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

Kakashi knew exactly what the pug wanted to know, but he played the game of evading and avoiding for too long to completely let it go in front of his closest and only family members left. “I know,” he sighed while starting to scratch over Pakkun’s back, “I… know.”

Silence again laid over the kitchen, only interrupted by the heavy snores of Bull, who seemed to dream of chasing rabbits. His small legs scratched frantically over the tiles, whining and yipping in between, before coming to a stop. More drool spilled over Uhei’s flank, who woke up for a short moment to retract her leg from Bull’s maw, only to settle her head back onto her neatly folded front paws.

“So?” Pakkun looked up, droopy eyes half-lidded and enjoying the scratches Kakashi gifted to him in the weak hope to divert his attention somehow. “Why did you allow her to with you?”

“I think you know the answer already.”

“I would like to hear it from you, though.”

Kakashi paused. Speaking out loud what he only dared to whisper in the secrecy of his mind until now. Every instinct inside him screamed to push the pug away, off his lap and hide in his bed, pull the blanket over his head and ignore every question daring to inquire about his emotions. Instead of doing all those things, he willed his hands to continue stroking over Pakkun’s back without trembling, while he tried to gather the rest of his supposed courage to speak the simplest and yet complicated words he had ever spoken in his life.

… 

“I like her.”

Like a boy admitting he had a crush on the older neighbor’s daughter, ashamed and giddy and a raging blush spreading over his naked face. He whispered the admission into the kitchen, hoping Pakkun wouldn’t catch it, but knowing his hope was also impossible.

Instead of berating him or telling him anything, the dog nodded slowly. “Alright. That’s reason enough for me and the rest of the pack. Introduce her to us sometime, alright kiddo?”

He hadn’t called Kakashi ‘kiddo’ in ages. No one else had done that since Sakumo died. A ‘kiddo’ was someone who didn’t know what to do, searched for a warm pat on the back and advice from someone else; someone wiser and more intelligent than them. Only Pakkun, the grumpy pug he was, with all of his wrinkles and born grumpiness, ever dared to do that, and Kakashi found strange comfort in that term.

Like that, he sighed and continued to pat Pakkun, leaned back into the chair and closed his eyes, while his family around him continued to snore and dream and twitch every now and then. Maybe—now I could finally catch some sleep.

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The plants were definitely doing better. Greener leaves, strong bodies, and most importantly, strong and durable roots. Your fingers reached underneath the leaves of a previously sick mint plant and turned it over. No black spots on the soft green underside.

Seems like it’s really working out.

Your knees cracked weakly as you stood up, dirt falling from your clothes. In the weak light of the lantern Ino left with you, you carefully moved through the rows of replanted greenery. Your toes dug with every step into the earth. The fresh, new earth, breathing, mixed with natural soil and living, earthworms making their way through the dirt and enjoying life. Three days and nights, and finally, most of the plants seemed to be able to survive the previous catastrophe. Alongside the plants, your own hope for the greenhouses bloomed, grew, brightened.

While you made your way through the flower beds, you sporadically stopped to check on other serious cases. The results were all similar: the plants were recovering. Hope on the horizon. 

Stop worrying, you worrywart.

Soon, I can go back. I can go…

Home? Was the Hatake compound ‘home’ to you? After such a short time? No, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t.

Not the compound. Not the house, not the messy garden.

Kakashi.

A shudder wandered over your back. Not cold, not uncomfortable, but warm and electrifying your very being.

Naruto. Sakura. Sasuke.

Less of a shudder, but a shudder nonetheless. You paused, feet settled between two stocks of chives. Where they also home to you? Did they feel right? A question you didn’t answer until now. Maybe also possibly didn’t dare to answer, in fear of making a realization which could crumble your entire world view. The view you had on humans, the view you had in order to survive without being broken into pieces.

But didn’t that view stand in your way of going forward? One step at a time? Did it stop you from forming new bonds, from becoming a new person?

Typical heavy thoughts for being awake at night. When the darkness came out, you found yourself questioning your beliefs and morals more often than in broad daylight, and this happened too often for it to be a mere coincidence. A sigh bubbled up in your chest, before you stalked out of the flower beds onto safer grounds, and from there back towards your cot, all the while the small lantern dangled from your hand. Moving shadows danced over the ground, around the glassy walls, over the ground outside of the greenhouse. If you had to take a guess, you would say it way around midnight. Clouds covered the sky though, so it was hard to tell the time.

Rain is coming soon. That will be good. Fresh rain means fresh air and the fresh air will be good for the plants.

Windows in the roof and sides of the greenhouses could be opened to let in some fresh air and to cool down the inside of the glassy house in the summer, when the heat became too much. Ino mentioned that sometime over the last few days; an information which you dearly appreciated.

A last look around, then you hurdled yourself back beneath the blanket, the lantern by the side of your bed. The small light shined through your closed eyelids, so you vaguely gestured towards the lantern. Immediately, the flame went out and you cuddled a bit more into the not-too-soft cushions.

Uninvited, your thoughts again started to drift off. Not into sleep, no. That would’ve been a welcomed change. Like every so often in the past few days, your brain decided to replay the strange moment with Kakashi. The soft touch of hands, the hesitant embracing of your fingers. While your cheeks lit up like a bonfire, you buried your face in the pillow.

Can you, like, not go over it again? Please?

He was warm. His fingers were warm.

He was also very surprised and frozen.

Of course, my touch is unpleasant. I should’ve known.

I shouldn’t have touched him in the first place. That was uncalled for.

He didn’t like it. He doesn’t like being touched.

By me.

Another groan was muffled in the pillow. “Just think about something else, will you?” you mumbled. Turning onto your side also didn’t help, and like that, you prepared yourself for more worrying, questioning and late shame, before finally going to sleep.

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Even with the pack there, the house was too quiet. Kakashi hated it. Alright, maybe not ‘hated’ it, that was possibly too strong of a word to describe his emotions when it came to the mostly silent, empty, too big house. No, he was disliking the sudden absence of the presence of another human being living there. There, with him. Before, he would’ve disliked it. Would’ve disliked the quiet footsteps not belonging to him, would’ve twitched at every low exhale from another person, would’ve reached for his weapons at every sign a possible intruder and enemy came into his personal space. Now, he had to tell himself that he disliked the absence of the same, not anything stronger than that.

Not with (Y/N).

He hadn’t noticed before, but now he did. Painfully so.

So painful, that in fact…

“Watch out, my youthful rival!”

A kick flew straight at him. Kakashi dodged barely to the right. He jumped backwards, bringing some distance between himself and Gai. The other man in his usual green jumpsuit just lowered himself back into the seat of his special customized light wheelchair, the usual beaming grin on his face.

“What’s the matter, Kakashi?” he asked, this time slowly wheeling over instead of barreling towards him, “Your mind wasn’t in our spar right there. Also, your youthful hipness and eloquent words left you while we had our usual banter!”

Like Gai only noticed now that something was bothering him. Alone the invitation Kakashi issued for his friend to come to a nearby training field for another challenge was highly unusual, just like the fact that he had been punctual for the spar itself. But Gai was Gai, so he probably didn’t want to mention it until he had a plausible reason and a little spar to wake his own flames of youth before cornering Kakashi with questions.

“Maa,” still heaving a bit, he crouched down, sweat slicking his bare arms and the back of his torso, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t try to fool me! I know you like the back of my own hand!”

“I know, Gai. I know.” For the second time in four days, he had to admit that. There were people who knew him intimately, which knew about his little ticks and habits, had them learned over the course of years over years.

His muscles protested as Kakashi moved out of his crouch. His spine cracked audibly as he stretched his arms over his head, bend them to the right and left. He could still feel Gai’s curious eyes on him, despite the more than obvious stalling tactic still concentrated and not even breathing a little bit faster, despite the added difficulty of including his wheelchair in his frontal fighting style.

“Finished?” Gai asked in an unusually dry tone when Kakashi lowered his arms again. Then, he gave him a thumbs-up and the dryness was gone without a trace. “Then we can continue our spar!”

“Don’t you have some questions?”

“Of course, my dear rival! But if you’re unwilling to answer them, then I know that I shouldn’t press you! Your hipness would make you wiggle out of every attempt of questioning I would ever start!”

True, of course. Kakashi really wasn’t known to enjoy being questioned, even when the questions came from his friends. But wasn’t his subconscious reaching out to Pakkun and now Gai another step forward on his own road of change? With (Y/N) and accepting his feelings for her, he had allowed himself to grow a bit more. Would actually speaking with someone else about these feelings be another step?

He made the conscious choice to invite Gai for a spar. He made the conscious choice to be punctual, not able to wait out the silence in the house any longer. He had been absent-minded and unconcentrated while fighting. He made these conscious choices so Gai could see something wasn’t right, causing his friend to ask about his state of mind.

“I have a problem.” Kakashi said, without really meaning to say anything, but his mouth moved on its own, and so did his mind.

Gai didn’t answer immediately, but the muscles in his arms tightened, like he was preparing for a fight. “My rival,” he finally answered, as serious as he could be, “do you still want to run away from your responsibilities as the future Hokage? I assure you, you will be a worthy successor of our dearest Tsunade-sama, and I will be by your side to assist you with any kind of request you may inquire.”

“No, it’s not that. And thank you for the offer. It’s… it’s something entirely different.”

Gai blinked only. It could just mean go on, I’ll listen, or I have no idea at what you’re hinting, but I’ll still listen and both were good enough for Kakashi in his current emotional dilemma. He continued, slowly and steadily, but with lots of pauses and breaks in between, where the man tried to catch more than one unnecessary breath to stall the inevitable out for a little bit longer. “Maybe you already heard about it, but my team and I have brought someone to Konoha due to our latest mission. This… woman is currently living with me in the Hatake compound, in her own room of course.”

“Of course.” Gai nodded thoughtfully. “I didn’t expect anything less from you, my rival.”

“Good, because I maybe… Maybe, possibly, I found myself being… enamored,” Kakashi cringed so hard at the word, “with her. Intrigued, so to speak. On an… emotional and… physical,” another cringe, this time so strong the mask nearly slipped down the bridge of his nose, “level.”

He expected Gai to break into tears. He expected him to start bawling in endless joy, proclaiming his rival’s springtime of youth had finally come, that he was so happy for Kakashi, that he would support him with every ounce of youthfulness he had in his body, no matter what would happen or what was about to come.

And yes, Gai did just that. Big, fat tears of joy rolled down his face as he broke down sobbing, burying his face in the crook of his arm and mumble-shouting the exact same words Kakashi imagined him saying. “Gods, my dearest eternal rival found his springtime of youth! The passionate flower of love has blossomed inside his heart, so beautiful and magnificent that I don’t dare to even look at her! Your chosen flower must be an exceptional person to catch your heart; a truly incredible soul! Damn you, Kakashi! Again, you have beaten me in that particular challenge, but just you wait! I will also find an amazing partner to spend the rest of my days with, I swear that on my name of Mighty Gai, the beautiful blue beast of Konoha!”

“Maa, maa… Gai, that’s…” What could Kakashi say to this onslaught of praises? At the same time, it was also Gai he was talking about, so a little dose of hesitating acceptance probably was the right thing. “That’s nice of you to say. Thank you.”

Another sob, and Gai raised his face. “But I’ll tell you, Kakashi.” Unusual seriousness flashed over his features. “If you’re ever hurt, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m your man. You deserve to be treated right, my rival. We all do, after what we’ve encountered.”

The unavoidable truth. Kakashi nodded at that, despite the fact he could feel himself blush in reaction to the exclamation. The question if he really deserved to be treated well was standing on a whole another page of this particular book, but he certainly wasn’t in the mood to have one of the drawn-out discussions Gai loved so much when it came to his wellbeing.

His self-proclaimed rival already returned back to sobbing into the crook of his elbow, soaking the skintight material of his trademark onesie. “I’m proud of you for embracing the opportunity you’re given, Kakashi! May your love be prosperous and beautiful in its blossom, full of shared happiness and blessed by the gods! Tell me all about your romantic interest, I want to hear everything!”

Embrace.

Embrace the chance. Make a step forward, a leap of faith.

Take her hand. Move, say something.

Go to her, talk with her.

It was Kakashi’s turn to do something. He could see it now with crystal clear clarity. The awkward moment a few days ago, when (Y/N) had taken his hand and tried to reassure him… She made another step forward—into his direction. And he didn’t answer.

He needed to answer (Y/N), with words, a gesture, anything. Something. Quickly, Kakashi straightened. Sweat was still running down his back, but after a short peek at the sun, he was sure he had enough time to return to the compound for a quick shower. “Sorry Gai, I think I have to correct a mistake I made. Raincheck?”

Gai beamed up to him, his arm stretching out and showing the thumbs-up he was famous (and a bit infamous) for. “No worries! Go and chase your love, while I will train myself to be as worthy for these wonderful feelings as you obviously are! Just you wait! I will be just as hip and cool as you!”

A weak smile was tugging at Kakashi’s lips as he waved over his shoulder, his legs already pumping and carrying him through the crowns of the trees around. Yes, he would indeed “chase his love” even though he knew exactly where she was and what he had to do to make his intentions clear.

No more uncertainty, no more insecurity. His hands clenched; fingernails dug into his palm. Just forward, one step at a time. This was the moment to follow his own advice, and Kakashi never felt more inclined to do so.

Thanks, Gai. I owe you one.

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The sun was falling once more behind the mighty wall with the stony faces. Another day would end soon, another day filled with work in the flower beds and dirtying your hands by caring for the plants. Nothing you hadn’t done before. And yet…

You felt strange and not in a good way. If you didn’t know better, you would say someone was watching you. The same uncomfortable tingle in the back of your head like back in the village, when someone planned to do one of their special pranks on you and watching you with glee and badly hidden anticipation. You didn’t expect the feeling to occur in Konoha, though.

Better check it out.

The rest of the workers had already gone home, some of them even stopping and wishing you a good night. You had shyly nodded at them, only to hide quickly behind one of the books you brought with you. Settled on your cot, legs crossed and arms shoring you from falling over, you reached out with your senses. An aura, there had to be an aura around here if someone was really watching you.

In old routine, you checked first your closest surroundings. No, no one was inside the greenhouses. Not even Ino stayed behind, even though she also stopped by your cot to mention how surprised she was to see that the plants recovered so quickly so well. After you deemed the greenhouses safe, your radar widened to the outside, to the street running past and the trees rimming it, throwing gentle shades through the orange-yellow evening light.

There. There—there was someone. Sitting in a tree directly opposite from your position, on the other side of the street. Nervousness ran as a cold shower down your back, but you willed yourself to hold still. Too big for an animal, so it had to be a human. A shinobi, probably. Civilians, like Kakashi had called them more than once, probably weren’t that keen to climb into trees and wait for hours, still like a statue. However, something was strange about that aura. Nothing like you ever felt before, nothing like you ever got to know. The closest you came to describe the feeling you got from that aura was the one of an emptied-out tree. Termites-infested, barely standing, just the bark remaining. An outer appearance, looking like the trees surrounding it, but nothing else inside. Empty, a shell walking around and pretending to be like everyone else.

It was scary. Not natural. Another, even more powerful shudder wandered down your back and shook your entire body. Hell, there was not even an emotional response coming back from that strange aura. On your radar, the empty aura lit up in a dull grey, not feeling anything besides endless patience. Someone who was accustomed to waiting, watching, assessing.

To assess you?

There were no ill intentions lying inside that mysterious person. At least that, you thought, One thing less to worry about.

While you were still checking the surroundings with your radar, you noticed a familiar aura coming quickly closer. Most likely to travel with the typical speed of a shinobi. And if possible, your nervousness spike for a third time to an all-time high. Sweat collected in your palms, it was suddenly hard to draw in a single breath, and your heart speed up to the point you could feel your heartbeat in your ears.

Kakashi. Kakashi was coming to you.

There was no running away. He was too fast, too determined to get away. It was in his aura, a special shade of red and purple which told you more than enough. And on top of that, running away was also ridiculous. Because of this strange moment? Really?

Really? There’s still a chance to get away.

Shut up. I’m not running.

He’s my friend.

You opened your eyes just in time to see the dark shadow flying towards the greenhouse coming to a stop right in front of the spot where you had the cot set up. Only parted by the glassy wall and the vines growing, you watched how the man moved out of a crouch, straightened his back, only to crease his eyes in the known eye-smile and raised a single hand. He waved, a small arc, and you waved right back. With bated breaths, you watched how he turned to walk towards the entrance, all the way right up the street. Then, the handle of the door is pushed down with the same squeak the handle always made whenever someone entered or left the greenhouse. Now though, the squeak seemed to echo in your very bones, a sound exceptionally loud in your ears. Still sitting on the cot, back straight like an iron rod was shoved up your spine, you watched how Kakashi stepped into the light of the ever-burning lantern.

“Hey there.” His eyes were still creased. The last time you had seen them were nearly a week ago. Such a long time, it seemed so at least.

“Hey.” Weakly, you smiled back. “What are you doing here?”

“Can’t I visit you?”

“Of course you can. I won’t stop you.”

“Good to know.” His little wink of the scarred eye made your stomach tumble, and you nearly forgot about the strange moment you shared a week ago. Nearly.

Can I please, please put it aside for now? Just for a few seconds?

You’re still arguing with your own brain when Kakashi interrupted the silent argument, with a question which shut up both the memory of that strange moment and the pleas to not bring that up again.

“Am I allowed to sit down beside you?”

Maybe you nodded, maybe you shook your head. You had no idea. The only thing you knew with absolute clarity was that there must’ve been some kind of positive reaction coming from you, because in the end, Kakashi’s mask creased even more and he settled down onto the cot. The legs scraped over the floor as he shifted around, tried to find a comfortable position. In the movement, you were bumped against his side. Instinctively, you twitched back, even though you wanted nothing more but to lean again against Kakashi.

He noticed. Of course, he did. His black eyes bore into yours as he sat far too close by your side. “I apologize.”

“No.” A blush creeped onto your features. “No need, really.”

“Are you sure? I can…”

“Really. There’s… It’s good.”

“Okay.” Kakashi nodded. “That is indeed good.”

There were just the two of you. The lantern burned at your feet on a low light, the sun was still sinking in your back, throwing the shadows of both of your bodies onto the ground. You watched the shadows intently, your face burning and knees weak. So weak that you feared that if you were to stand up, you would collapse right back onto the cot. You could watch Kakashi’s shadow move, watch him with accelerating breaths how the closest shoulder rose, how the arm moved. Moved closer towards you, only to come to a stop in the middle. In the small space between your bodies, the fabric of his sleeve brushing against your arm. So close. Your heart thrummed in your chest in a never-ending constant beat. You couldn’t hear a thing, couldn’t hear how your breath hitched or how Kakashi moved on the cot. You just felt the motion in the way his arm pressed a bit more firmly against yours, in the way his warmth seemed to seep into your own skin.

“I’m sorry.”

Kakashi’s words disturbed the silence. As silent as they were, a mere whisper, but in between the drums of your heart and the white noise in your ears, his voice was a thunderclap.

You were still trying to comprehend how close he was, what he was silently offering. “For what?”

“For being scared before.”

His arm nudged against your arm. Just a little touch, just a little pressure. And you knew what he meant. Knew what he wanted to fix, what he conveyed without saying a single word. If possible, your face grew even warmer, but you nodded.

“Okay.”

“Just okay?”

“Yes.” You almost didn’t move, but somehow, you managed to scoot the tiniest bit closer to Kakashi. Your hand brushed over the back of his hand, not covered by a glove for once. He was warm and surprisingly a bit wet. His muscles trembled as your fingertips glided over his hand, just as nervous and just as scared as you were. “Just… okay.”

“Mhmm.” His hand turned upwards. Slowly, deliberately. A steady motion, his thumb bumping into your palm before his hand laid open. For a mere second, your hand hovered, still indecisive and insecure. But then, after a few more moments of hesitation, you decided it was enough. Running away and shying away, all of that had to end. You didn’t want to back down any longer.

When your fingers embraced Kakashi’s, he didn’t freeze. This time, his fingers answered and closed the space previously left out. Your fingers between his, his between yours. Soft and careful, still scared of being close but unable to stay away. Calluses rubbed against joints and knuckles. Tingles spread from your joined hands through your arm, into your chest and heart, into your throat and head. You were lightheaded, and out of instinct, you leaned your temple against his shoulder. The perfect height to lean onto. Kakashi stiffened, but then, a sigh left his masked mouth. He squeezed your fingers, a small reassurance, before his temple leaned against your head.

A deep rumble in his chest echoed through your body. “The plants look healthy.”

You smiled weakly. “Yes. I can soon come back.”

“Two more nights?”

“One more. That and the earth and dill should be enough.”

“You’re doing good work.”

“Ino thinks the same way. Apparently, she already wants me to work full-time, whatever that means.”

“I guess she wants to avoid doing all the extra paperwork all your overtime comes along with.”

“That and my good work here.”

“Maa, that is probably also factor.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Illuminated by the soft light of the evening sun, you two continued to softly banter, hands still entangled, heads leaning against each other; not planning to let go anytime soon.

Chapter Text

You thought you had seen all of Konoha. You thought there couldn’t be anything left to surprise you. But oh, you were so very, very wrong. Apparently, civilization had more in store left for you than you could ever imagine.

Store with a big ‘S’ here.

“This would look so good on you!” You had no idea which Ino was talking about, as her arms were full with differently colored shirts, pants and skirts in all kinds of styles and materials. The only thing left was to either assume that something in this pile was meant for you, or all of that enormous pile was supposed to “look good” on you—whatever that meant. No matter how Ino was supposed to know that.

Sakura joined her friend, her pink hair for once in a high, short ponytail. Like she also knew what she was talking about, she randomly grabbed a single item from that pile in Ino’s arms and inspected it, her face serious and eyes squinted as she let her fingers run over the material of the pants.

Then, in an even more mysterious gesture, she held the pants to your midriff, clicking her tongue in hesitant respect. “You’re right. They would really look great on her.”

Gods, please tell me. Why did I even consider this to be a good idea?

Barely a week had passed since you ended the night shift in the greenhouse, a week in which you went back to Kakashi’s compound and lived again with him. A week since…

You blushed at the mere memory. The handholding. The quiet talk, the closeness. Since then, a kind of silent agreement had been made between the two of you. Silent yet tense; tense with the knowledge that touching was now also an option, giving in to the strange urge to be close to Kakashi without feeling guilty or asking yourself if he really wanted to be close to you.

No—no more thinking about that. Not because you didn’t want to (thinking about Kakashi in that way made your entire body tingle with excitement and a strange kind of warmness you never experienced before) but because you were out. With the girls. Like Sakura proposed.

Strange. Even that promise seemed like such a long time ago, even when just a few weeks have passed. Time passed rather quickly here.

Yes, Sakura had invited you to join her friends to go shopping in the newly-built shops of Konoha. Ino you already knew, and she had greeted you with a wide smile on her face. Sakura went even so far to hug you, which you answered with a short hesitant pause and a little... awkward pat on her shoulders, before she let go. The other two girls though, you didn’t know.

“This here,” Sakura said—still smiling—and laid her hands onto the shoulders of a girl with long black hair and white eyes without pupils, “is Hinata. And this,” another girl with two buns and the energy of an overly playful rabbit raised her hand, waving at you, “is Tenten. Hinata, TenTen, this is (Y/N).”

You had also raised your hand, the tiny wave only a tiny bit less nerve-wrecking than the actual meeting of new people. “Hey.”

The girl with the name Tenten was the first to speak, while Hinata seemed more reserved and silent in comparison. Her eyes though, as deep and endless like the darkest part of the forest, was seemingly able to see anything as she watched you.

“Heya! Oh man, it’s so nice to meet you! I heard a lot about the miracles you brought forth with the greenhouse!” Tenten beamed, her hand outstretched.

This custom you already knew. Carefully, you took her surprisingly callused hand into yours and shook it, before also reaching over to Hinata, presenting your own hand. “Yeah. Nothing special, really. I did it for the plants.”

“Still, a really impressive feat.”

Hinata’s hand was like silk: almost too soft to notice her touch, the grip weaker than the paw of a kitten. You feared you would break her fingers if you only closed your own hand around hers. Her smile was noticeably shyer, even a bit shaky as she met your eyes for a split second.

“He-hello, (Y/N). I also he-heard a lot about you as well.”

You didn’t know what it was, but somehow you felt a strange connection to the girl. Her silence, painfully obvious shyness and the little tremor in her voice told so much, painted the picture of a scared little kitten over her features. Like her handshake, Hinata appeared to be soft and careful—overly so.

And to your surprise, the day really went off without a hitch so far. Sakura and Ino seemed to be the unofficial leaders, walking down the main street of Konoha and selecting the shops, while Tenten and Hinata were content with following the two bickering girls. Once in a while, they all would stop in front of a wide window of a store and ogle whatever was displayed in the store, only to sigh full of wistful hope and walk off. You didn’t quite understand what that behavior was supposed to achieve, considering Ino complained for a long time when she left a lavender-colored dress behind which “would’ve fitted me like a second skin, Sai wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of me”. However, the girls all seemed content, so you weren’t about to question their actions. 

Only when Sakura dragged you into a store with the exclamation to severely drain your newly achieved funds (all the overtime and night shifts over the course of two weeks did miracles to your previously non-existent wealth) to get you some “real clothes”, you started to fear the tiniest bit the power of the four-woman group. Like harpies, they descended on the clerk and yourself, dragged you in front of a few mirrors and left to grab whatever they deemed appropriate for you to try on. Shirts without any sleeves, fitting to work in the garden; shirts with long sleeves, hanging around your wrist; short, durable pants; long and durable pants; skirts which flowed like water around your legs; unnecessarily complicated and feeble undergarments, barely a thread and covering almost nothing, and—

“No. Absolutely not.”

“But—!”

“No!” You scoffed and crossed your arms over your chest. “How am I supposed to walk in these?”

Ino almost looked hurt at your rejection, like she took it personal. “They are just shoes, (Y/N)! Just not the kind—!”

“Where me whole foot is still on the ground?” You shot a glare at the shoes with strange, thin heels she held in her hands. “Where I can walk around normally?”

“No, these shoes,” Ino shook them into your face, at which you scowled even more, “are made to make you look pretty.”

“Well, I don’t want to look pretty then.”

“Oh, come on, just try them on for a second!”

“No.”

Behind Ino’s tense smile, a storm was brewing, but you would be damned if you gave in to the crazy demands. No way you would wear such a stupid shoe which would make walking through earth almost impossible, which seemed just as feeble as the more expensive underwear they showed you (seriously, the less the underwear was made off, the more it seemed to cost), with all the straps hurdled up in an incarnate mesh of leather and thread to certainly look good on a foot. But not on yours, hell no.

Again, you met Ino’s cold blue eyes. “I allowed you all to dress me up however you wanted. This,” you gestured towards the heels, “is where I draw the line.”

And to be completely honest, you liked being cared for by the girls. It was a nice, easy time without any troubles. Plus, you already decided to get some nicer clothes from their pile of selection. A little stupid childish hope inside you hoped to impress Kakashi that way, but for the most part, you wanted to actually own some good clothes that were not stitched together with leather and patches.

The blonde girl just wanted to open her mouth to protest, maybe argue a bit more, but then Sakura joined in. She hastily picked the offending shoes out of Ino’s hand and pulled her aside, whispering into her ear while furiously gesturing towards Hinata and Tenten.

The message was clear: Care for our unwilling subject.

Left alone like this; alone with two people you barely knew, you could only hope Sakura was able to calm Ino down in a matter of only a few minutes, otherwise you were in danger of possibly angering the other two girls. (Another thing you learned and already suspected: You weren’t that good with social interaction and the cues which came along with it.)

Thankfully, Tenten wasn’t one to be deterred. With a huge smile on her face, she dragged you over to a previously hidden corner of the shop, right through a doorway parted from the rest of the store by a curtain. You knew instantly why the curtain was necessary. This room was full with practical bags and wraps for legs and arms, with faceless puppets displaying light armor in different kinds of styles, made for the upper and lower body, thick vests in the by now familiar moss-green of the Konoha shinobi corps, and even a little display of metallic glittering kunai and shuriken.

Tenten was immediately captivated by that display and went on to theorize about the poorly made “fashion-weapons” (that was how she called them, to the not-so-secret displeasure of the store clerk who peeked through the curtain), while Hinata had followed you two into the room, but made a beeline for a wall of shelves where different scrolls could be found. As soon as it was clear that Tenten was too busy remodeling the kunai to her liking in her mind, you aimlessly wandered around the room, inspecting this and that, only to end up close to the shy girl.

To be fair, the scrolls really seemed to be interesting. Quickly, you scanned one shelf. Lots of theory about chakra. Kakashi mentioned it a few times; Naruto too. Apparently, it was the energy shinobi learned to harness in order to do their dangerous fighting and all the nature-disturbing jutsu they were infamous for. You would be lying if you said that you weren’t interested in chakra, but considering the fact that the possibility of learning even more deadly techniques to possibly hurt other people slightly scared you; it was probably for the better to leave these special scrolls aside.

“A-are you searching f-for something spe-special?”

Surprisingly, Hinata was the first to speak up. You threw a look over your shoulder, caught her eyes, and shook your head.

“Oh.” The girl nodded, before again hiding her face behind the curtains of her dark, silky hair. In her too big shirt with long sleeves in white and purple plus the painfully obvious shyness, she seemed a lot calmer than Sakura and Ino. A welcomed change.

A step forward. Just a little step, that’s all it takes.

“In fact,” you started and watched out of the corner of your eyes how Hinata twitched at the words breaking the silence, “I’m searching for anything about plants. Also, anything about balm and potion-making. If you know what…”

Her face lit up. “Yes! They had a scroll about the conservation of desert-plants and usage in fighting poison. I hope they didn’t sell it yet…”

She didn’t even stutter. What a miracle, seeing Hinata bloom like that, open and excited and happy to talk with you. You watched how she scrambled over, reached up and down, only to “Aah!” weakly. “They still have it. Here.”

With the scroll in possession, she straightened herself out and handed you the paper with delicate, soft hands, still smiling and slightly unsettling eyes closed. Even without your radar telling you the color of her aura, you knew that Hinata was genuinely, honestly glad to help you out. A weak nod, and you accepted the scroll.

Yes, you wouldn’t mind meeting Hinata more often. Definitely.

But before you could do more than smile at her briefly, the harsh whisper-yell of Ino’s voice echoed through the room. “(Y/N)? Are you in here?”

For a second, you considered hiding behind Hinata. You weren’t proud of that instinct, and looking at the shy girl, she wouldn’t even be angry at you. Her face showed her sympathy, and told of the many times she had been on the receiving end of Ino’s determined nature.

But no, that wasn’t a solution. Never ever a solution. You couldn’t run away from Ino, hell, she was your boss, you saw her on a daily base. Running away would mean you feared the blonde, and that was definitely not the case.

To your hesitant joy, Ino didn’t hold onto the strange heel-shoes any longer. No, instead she held a sturdy pair of boots, looking way too warm for the current weather. Brown leather on the outside, fur peaking out on the upper rims, surely reaching up to your shins if you would try them on.

Gods, how much you wanted to try them on. These looked way more comfortable and nicer than the other ones. Even if they were made for weather colder than Konoha currently was. 

Pushed by Sakura, Ino walked over. “I had a thorough,” a glare hit her best friend, “discussion with the billboard-forehead here and she’s of the opinion that high heels probably aren’t the best choice for your first real wardrobe when you still are getting used to everything and all that.”

“Yeah. And all that.” You mused. Then, you pointed at the boots. “So, this is the compromise?”

“Yes, indeed!” Sakura chimed in. “Look, they would be great for wintertime!”

“It’s not even safe that I will be here when winter comes.”

“Well… Still! They are pretty useful, I’m sure! And I noticed that you don’t own that many shoes and boots, so I’m sure the boots here,” Sakura raised Ino’s hands, smiling full of sweet, cheeky thoughtfulness, “will find a good home. Would you try them on, please?”

“...Fine.”

Of course, like everything the girls handed to you, the boots were a perfect fit. Warm, durable, and when you walked around the store, they already seemed like a part of your feet.

“I take them,” you said to the group as you returned to your starting point, “you’re right: they could be useful in the future.”

Sakura’s beam you received in return was answer enough for you to know what she was thinking—that you made a decision to stay permanently in Konoha, that you would start to life with Kakashi for good, but no. Today, these boots were nothing but another small weight on the scale which pointed heavily into the direction of Konoha, and nothing else.

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Kakashi would’ve never believed that seeing another person working away in the wide, overgrown garden of the Hatake compound would ever be a sight for sore eyes to him, but here he was. Here he was, staring out of the window in the kitchen, watching (Y/N) kneeling in a halfway cleaned-up flower bed. A gigantic bush of thistles was her next target. With a viciousness that betrayed her usual silent behavior, the thistles never stood a chance. He watched how the thorny plant basically ripped itself out of the earth, only to be tossed aside by a quick flick of her wrist. The thistles landed on the slowly growing pile on the already cleared path leading through the garden. So much weed, so many useless plants.

Barely a week ago, (Y/N) returned to the compound. Just a bit more than a week ago, he had held her hand in his. Just a little bit more than that, he sat down by her side, leaned his head against hers and talked through the night. Kakashi smiled beneath his mask. There was no way he would ever forget that night. Not after he finally made another step forward, not after he finally answered (Y/N)’s silent offer.

Their week together, sharing the same space after what had happened, made him realize a few things about himself. First, seeing the once so harsh and defensive hermit smiling at him full of unguarded was definitely the best way to start a day full of meetings with the village council. Second, now that the dam was apparently broken, (Y/N) loved small gestures and touches of care; a simple brush of their hands, an accidental slide of fingertips over his arm, a short lean of her forehead against his shoulder. Third, and maybe—most importantly— Kakashi didn’t mind her touches at all. No, he relished in them, craved for these blinks of an eye like a dying man craved for salvation of his sins.

He never would’ve believed such a day would ever come, but here he was, his heart beating fast and calm happiness soothing his troubled mind. And Kakashi needed that happiness.

The council stirred up trouble. A grimaced flashed over his face, hidden by his mask and thankfully, also hidden from (Y/N). Homura and Koharu were not pleased with Tsunade stepping down, and were only appeased by the fact that Kakashi would follow in taking up the Hokage hat. At the first proposal of Naruto being the Tsunade’s successor, Kakashi believed that Koharu had been near a heart attack, while Homura looked like a dead fish.

Tsunade always had a wicked sense of humor, and with the elders being a constant thorn in her side while she was holding Konoha together, the last of the Legendary Trio enjoyed messing with them even more than usual now that her actions no longer held any recuperations that would follow—without a doubt—in the form of unnecessary protests, small-minded emergency forms and long, drawn-out discussions.

With a sigh, he leaned his forehead against the cool glass for a moment before straightening himself out again. Unfortunately, he wasn’t that lucky. The elders had probably already planned a counterattack, some form of punishment for Tsunade’s audacity to play with them.

Not now. Enjoy the downtime. Enjoy being with her.

Another sigh followed. Yes, being home shouldn’t feel like another chore on Kakashi’s never-ending-and-always-growing list of chores: Upcoming Hokage-duties, meetings with clan heads and discussions about peace treaties with the other shinobi villages…

You’re doing it again. Stop it. Talk with her.

Exactly. Kakashi sighed for a third time, then opened the same window he had used to watch (Y/N). “Maa, I notice that the work in the greenhouse isn’t enough for you.”

Her voice cut through the air, teasing and soft at the same time. “Your garden needs it. The thistles are healthier than the wild blackberries, which are healthier than the previously planted herbs.”

“But you can fix it?”

“Fix it?” She snorted out loud, another thick brush of thistles plucked out of the earth and thrown aside. “There’s nothing to fix, but to correct. Clean up, weed out, replant. But no fixing, no. You would need a troop of gardeners to “fix” your garden.” True disgust laid in her voice. Kakashi already noticed that (Y/N) preferred a more natural state over the artificially created geometry which dominated the greenhouses of Konoha.

The shinobi leaned a bit more out of the window. The garden… His garden was maybe the epitome of wild and free, growing wherever it wanted and however it pleased. And maybe—that was the reason (Y/N) liked to dig her hands into the earth there, to return it to a useful and still wild state.

“I think,” he started, while his eyes flittered over her whole figure, taking in every inch and reeling in the simple beauty of her, “I will like it how it used to be. Especially when you are the one responsible for it.”

Her face lit up. With her blush as well as with her smile, and Kakashi thought his heart stopped for several moments, before the constant beat returned, just a lot faster than usual.

However, (Y/N) wasn’t one to be just turn over and take everything he had to give. Abruptly, she moved out of her crouch, and only now Kakashi could see that her bare feet were nestled into the earth. Grounded, earthed, dirtied. The best combination, fitting her down to the ‘T’. If she suddenly would start to wear shoes, he probably wouldn’t know how to react.

“Your charming words,” she said, her hands placed in the crook of her hips and face red, “are appreciated, yet unnecessary. I’m already working on the garden, so you don’t have to—!”

“I like to compliment you. No ulterior motive in mind.”

So, he had to carefully select his compliments for the distrusting hermit. Too used to being used and thrown away, probably not only by threats, but also with sweet words. Well, Kakashi couldn’t let that stand. He loved to see the embarrassed blush on her face too much to let some teasing words go.

If possible, (Y/N) went even redder. She seemed to fumble with words, even opened her mouth a few times, but Kakashi’s disarming smile always made her mouth close and features soft.

“Then, I have to apologize,” she mumbled and reached up to wipe some astray strands out of her face. “I wasn’t aware… that this is the norm.”

“For whom?”

“For people like… us.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“What do you mean?”

Kakashi leaned a bit more out of the window, still carefully selecting his words. Though, with every word he uttered, his own face grew hotter and hotter, until he probably resembled a tomato. “I mean, that if you don’t like me complimenting you, then I can stop. Obviously, I would love to do that, but if you aren’t comfortable with that, then just say a word. Though, I would like to continue to do so.”

Gods, he was rambling. He, the strong and confident copy ninja of Konoha, was rambling in the face of explaining the fact that he liked complimenting the person he harbored feelings for. He really wasn’t used to this. To talk about his feelings, about his likes and dislikes, what he wanted to do. But it was necessary. (Y/N) didn’t know how this kind of relationships worked and needed someone who would explain everything and answer any questions she might have, which made him the more experienced in their own, special relationship.

What a joke. He wasn’t experienced at all.

However, for her, Kakashi would try his best. 

Finally, he wouldn’t withdraw from something good in his life. He wanted this, wanted the warmth and the comfort of someone else, and if that meant to jump over his shadow once in a while, then he would do it.

“…okay.” Again, her hands reached up to wipe some strands away, only that there were no strands falling into her forehead and (Y/N) fumbled a bit too long around to make it a subconscious gesture. The red of her cheeks was only slightly obscured from sight. “Okay. Make your compliments if you like them so much.”

“Not if you don’t want to hear them.” He instantly answered and watched with not-so-secret glee at how the woman sighed and rolled her eyes towards the sky, like she wanted to pray for a little bit more patience to deal with his antics. The smile tugging at her lips all the while ruined the intention behind these reactions though.

“Fine. I don’t mind them that much.” She finally admitted.

He never was flirty in his life, but as he watched how her cheeks grew red and her eyes started to sparkle from the silent admission, Kakashi set his own personal goal of complimenting (Y/N) as much as he could. If that meant he would see more of that expression, then yes. It was definitely worth it.

He was tempted to say more, talk to her more, but when the hermit crouched down again and started to work away on the overgrown flowerbed, Kakashi understood that her tolerance for sweet words was reached. (Y/N) needed space right now, just like he needed a bit of space sometimes, to cool down and recharge from the human interactions which could be a bit too much at times. A last, longing glance towards her, then the man closed the window. The silence of the kitchen greeted him again, together with the thoughts: Thoughts about dawning responsibilities, thoughts about the meetings in the Hokage Tower, thoughts about anything and everything he totally didn’t want to think about right now.

But what to do? What to do to keep his always wandering mind in check?

Well, Kakashi pretended to think about the problem at hand for a few minutes. The truth was, he already knew what he possibly could do, but struggled to accept the reality and truth of it. Only slowly, he managed to wrap his head around the fact that sooner or later, he probably had to face what was waiting inside Sakumo’s study room.

No time like the present, I guess.

His hand paused, before actually sliding the previously locked and sealed door open. Stale air brushed over his face. Dust and the faint smell of dried blood hovered still, after all these years. Kakashi inhaled consciously, drew the breath in like it was the first one after a long time underwater. There, wasn’t there still a small hint of his father’s scent? Clinging to the turned-upside down chairs? The bookshelves, the old scrolls, the desk, the bloodied tatami-mats…

Like a moth drawn to a flame, bright and deadly, his eyes wandered over to the darker spot. Sakumo laid there, curled up around the knife in his stomach. Like it was just yesterday, Kakashi could still see the body, the naked feet and the clothes, the silver hair fawned out and not yet touched by death, and the crimson of the blood. The peaceful face of his father, finally free of the burden of his failed task and the ugly words thrown at his face because he wanted to do the morally right thing.

One blink, and the image before his inner eye vanished; nothing but a rusty red on the dusty tatami-mats. He regarded the spot for a bit longer, before walking to the only window, still covered by dust sheets. A strong flick of his wrist, it didn’t take more than that to let in the light of the sun. Instantly, the entire room seemed to lighten up, fill it with a bit more life, and also—showed off the true chaos reigning within the study room.

Not only the mats needed to be changed. No, there was the dust of decades waiting on precious and without a doubt, countless forgotten jutsu. The old furniture needed to be cleaned properly, assessed and maybe repaired. The walls greyed a little bit with time, so probably, Kakashi had to organize another painting job, like he did for the rest of the house.

Slowly, but surely, he turned around and ignored the most obvious problem in the room, while mapping out the procedures of what had to be done to fix and clean up this forgotten mess.

Planning a difficult operation was second nature to him, after all.

Overall, it didn’t seem like such a daunting task. Basically, everything which already happened to the rest of the house had to happen in this special room. Plus the extra emotional baggage, of course.

Sweet. But what can I do now?

Bringing out the furniture. Categorizing the scrolls. Airing out the room, which was probably the most important point on this very short list. Kakashi’s nose wrinkled out of instinct as he pushed the window open, breathing in the first batch of fresh air since he entered the cursed room. Sweet relief, sweet salvation washed over his mind when the lingering smell of dried blood was finally wiped away by the scent of earth and grass.

At the sound of the window opening, (Y/N) looked up from the flower bed. He waved outside, showing off a false and weak confident mask, before pulling back inside and looking around the room.

Yes, that would definitely keep his mind off things. The true question was though, if the extra bit of distraction would be worth the aftermath?

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“Father?”

His voice, terribly young and thin, shaking with every syllable, echoed through the darkness. But there was no one to answer his call, no one to come to him and calm him down.

Again, he called out. “Father? Where are you?”

Only darkness. Darkness slithered into his ears, suffocated his lungs, pressed onto his eyes. All-encompassing, unavoidable, inevitable. Only darkness. He would die here, die in this—!

But no, there was a light! A warm, hopeful beacon, and he ran towards it as fast as his short, stubby legs allowed him. Faster, faster! Someone was waiting for him there!

He stumbled across the threshold of light and darkness, right into his father’s study room, smelling of weapon oil and books. Well-known and warm, safe and sound. Instantly, his muscles relaxed and his mind eased at the familiar environment.

A shinobi was only truly safe when his family was with him.

And there he was, his father, standing with his back facing him at one of the high bookshelves, a book in hand and apparently not even hearing him when he was walking towards him.

“Father?” he asked again. “Father, I had a bad dream. Can you—?”

The next words got stuck in his throat. As his father turned around, his face became visible. The distorted, evil and twisted face of a rotting corpse. Instead of eyes, his father was bleeding, sunken eyelids covering the empty holes. Instead of a caring smile, the lower half of his father’s face was ripped away, revealing the lolling out tongue and the muscles of his throat, bare like in an anatomy book. His nose was missing; a dark hole and pus running out, over his lower face.

“You’re at fault, Kakashi.” His father never sounded so angry, so betrayed. The thing resembling his father stepped closer, the hands not covered by skin, but showing the bones and rotting flesh. “You’re at fault. It’s all your fault! I didn’t want to die, but having you was what made it unbearable to stay alive!”

“No! Father, I—!”

“You’re nothing. Your friends are dead, your family is dead. You’re a disappointment. And you will also disappoint that poor girl. She will leave you.” The thing hissed. “She will see how useless you are and abandon you, like you deserve it.”

For a second, Kakashi thought that the darkness of his dream carried over into the real world. Trying to breathe in and out, clutching the blanket and staring at the ceiling was everything he could do. Just like in his dream, his lungs didn’t want to accept the air, didn’t want to move, didn’t want to survive. Only slowly, his eyes got used to the darkness and he could actually see something, some shadows peeking through the night. With every second he saw more, and with every second, his lungs started to pick up their work once more.

This nightmare was worse than the ones before. Of course, he imagined them to be as cleaning out the study room of Sakumo would wake old memories and doubts about his own role in the suicide. Carefully, he rolled onto his stomach, groaned, sat up straight. Nothing like a good nightmare to make his night.

Sure, he could try to tire himself out by training. Sure, he could try to concentrate on Icha-Icha-books. Sure, he could go down into the kitchen, brew himself a strong coffee and pretend he meant to wake up so early. However, he could feel the fear nestled in his bones. Cold and wet, like the hands of his father’s corpse. A touch of death, not made to be shaken off or to be forgotten.

Another groan followed as he carefully sat up. Nothing to be done about his nightmare. The only thing he could do now was at least trying to shake it off, no matter how useless it appeared to be. Without waking up (Y/N), preferably.

But as it turned out, his very attempts at being stealthy and silent were useless too. As soon as Kakashi sneaked down the stairs, avoiding all the creaky steps and dodgy spots which possibly could lead to a discovery, sneaked on tip-toes past the door to the guest room, the handle was suddenly pushed down.

“Why are you awake?” (Y/N) asked, her eyes squinted and the bathrobe she brought with her tightly slung around her body.

“That should be my question.” Kakashi tried to appear casual, but to his horror, his voice was still shaking ever so slightly. He tried to mask the tremble with a grin, the high collar making a makeshift mask for him to hide behind. Though, the look in her eyes intensified, burned deeper and brighter.

“I was reading one of your books,” and really, when Kakashi peaked past (Y/N), the lamp on the small table was burning, an open book laying on the bed, “and had my radar on. I could sense that you were distressed.”

Of course. Just my luck. Of course, my aura-reading guest reads my aura in the most uncomfortable situation.

“Why did you have your radar on?”

“There was someone at the greenhouses. They are probably watching over me. Don’t avoid the subject!”

Who was the one avoiding the subject? Someone was watching (Y/N) and she didn’t tell him? He took a step closer, and to his secret glee, she didn’t pull back but stood her ground. “Someone is watching you? Do you know who? Did they follow you here?”

(Y/N) had the nerve to roll her eyes. “It’s nothing, I’m sure. They have no intention to hurt me. The only strange thing is, that they… They don’t feel really human. I swear, that’s all, which bothers me.”

“How do they feel then?” Kakashi had an idea who exactly could watch over a suddenly appearing stranger without any official documents, and the description (Y/N) gave him only further cemented his suspicion.

“Like, I don’t know. They don’t seem to have any emotions. No desire, no past they are hung up on. Just… patience.” Her forehead wrinkled in thought. “I compared it to a tree which is infested by termites. From the outside, they might look human, but on the inside, they are empty.”

Definitely a fitting description for an Anbu. Instantly, Kakashi relaxed. “That’s probably an Anbu. An elite troop of shinobi who are directly under the hand of the Hokage. Tsunade-sama probably just wants to make sure you’re not a danger to anyone.”

Anyone else would’ve been deadly offended at the mere mention that they could be dangerous. (Y/N) though, looked relieved. Her shoulders, which were drawn up and tense, visibly relaxed at the explanation for the question she probably carried around for quite some time.

“That makes an awful lot of sense,” she nodded to herself, wild hair falling into her face, “and explains a lot. But that doesn’t answer my question. Why are you awake?”

Damn, even though his aversion of the topic had gone so well. His feet shuffled over the ground while Kakashi tried to think of an answer which wouldn’t reveal so much about his emotional state, while the hermit still watched him with that damn intense look of utter understanding and care.

Like she wanted to know what was going inside him. Like she really wanted to understand him. Like she really…

She cared. Suddenly, her words from a week ago came back to his mind. I know what you’re doing for me, and I want you to know I want to do the same for you. If you allow me, of course. (Y/N) wanted to be there for him, to listen and to soothe his mind. Even if it was difficult for him to say it out loud, maybe he could voice his emotions silently.

It was hard and strange to move, but Kakashi did. He reached out, stepped closer to her, until he was so close, he could actually touch (Y/N)’s hand. Out of instinct, her own fingers uncurled, allowed him to take her hand into his own. Another step closer, and Kakashi was close enough to raise his other arm to furl around her shoulder. Gently, like they were both made out of glass, he pulled them together. His face pressed into the crook of her neck, her chest mushed against his. Her free hand landed on his waist, holding tight and strong, all the while also possessing a tenderness Kakashi subconsciously craved.

She was warm, she was alive; not a rotten corpse whisked away by guilt and the blame of the village. He breathed in, tips of her hair tickling his cheek in the sweetest way he could’ve ever dreamed of.

Something inside his chest eased, softened, weakened. Another sigh fell from his lips, before Kakashi dared to bury his entire face in her shoulder.

“Nightmare,” he mumbled, ashamed for his sudden weakness and at the same time, relishing in it, “I had… had a nightmare.”

(Y/N) only hummed. One of her hands flew up, paused for the blink of an eye, only to softly thread itself into his sleep-smushed hair. Electricity ran down his spine at the gesture, a little shock to his system. Welcomed and accepted, loved and cherished.

Maybe her silent acceptance was what urged Kakashi to say more. “My father,” the words soon tumbled out of his mouth, “he… I found him. He was long dead, but I still… I tried to save him, but he wasn’t… There was so much blood…”

Her soft strokes through his hair didn’t stop. Kakashi tried to breathe calmly, tried to control himself and his boiling emotions, but they spilled over; spilled and ran over his face. Covered by (Y/N)’s hair, in her shoulder and skin. She felt it—felt the telltale wetness on her skin, and she didn’t say anything. Just kept on combing through his hair in careful motions and listened to his murmurs.

“I haven’t dreamed this… this vividly in such a long time. The room, I—I tried to clean it out and I knew something would be coming, but… It has to be cleaned out. I can’t let it rot away like that. Not this close to…”

“To whom?”

His heart jumped, his tongue was iron. That was it, the hardest part of the confession why exactly and secretly wanted the room to be cleaned out; cleaned up and remodeled. Now, that he wanted to get better. “Because of you. This room, conserved in time and holding the past it contained… It was too close to you. I don’t want you this close to something so… So vile and ugly and, and destructive.”

Another, lower hum. Vibrating deep in her chest, echoing in his. Her fingers circled on his scalp, drawing line after line after line, soothing and calming with every motion and every little breath she took. Out of instinct, his arms tightened around her. Closer, closer. Not close enough. He had to chase the last wisps of the dark dream away, he just had to. He couldn’t go to bed like this.

Like she could read his thoughts, (Y/N) moved her head the tiniest bit, her lips moving against his temple as she spoke, silent and assuring him with the sheer offer they held. “Do you want to sleep with me tonight?”

Not in that sense, no. But right here, right now, Kakashi wanted nothing more than to sink into the same bed as (Y/N). He wanted to curl up around her, wanted to feel her breathe, wanted to fall asleep with her warmth easing him back into the merciful darkness.

So, he nodded. His nose rubbed over her neck and the gesture felt good, so Kakashi did it again. Her responding giggle warmed his chest even more, but it wasn’t enough.

It could never be enough, he realized with sudden clarity.

Oh. That’s how fucked I am.

Before Kakashi could begin to worry or even start to fantasize, she loosened the hug, still smiling and so lovely that his heart ached.

“Come. I’m tired. And strangely enough, I think you could help me fall asleep faster.”

“Strange,” Kakashi mumbled, hopefully under his breath and silent enough that (Y/N) wouldn’t hear it, “that’s what I should say.”

No answer as she climbed into bed, so he hoped he was safe. Her bathrobe was dropped at the side, revealing the simple shirt and long, light pants, shining in a dark grey and white. So simple and yet so endearing.

Her feet shuffled under the blanket, before her head rose to meet his eyes. “What now? Do you want to stand there the whole time?”

His bristly, thorny hermit. His, his. For him.

“No. Of course not.”

“Then, hop in.”

And that, Kakashi found, was way easier than reading again through the entire Icha-Icha-series or training until his joints gave out; slipping beneath the blankets, cuddling up tight and looking into her eyes before closing his own. Yes, way easier and definitely more enjoyable. 

He wasn’t alone anymore.

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You woke up to the feeling of being pressured into the cloud of a mattress. Still halfway sleeping, a blurry curtain laying over your vision, you fumbled around, reached over and around to find out what the actual fuck was going on here. There was a weight on your chest, moving with every breath of yours up and down. Carefully, your fingers threaded into soft, spiky hair, drew the line of a mask over the exposed cheekbone and nose, cupped the belonging cheek and rested there. A grumble was your answer, low and muffled in your sleeping clothes, before the other person huffed and cuddled closer.

Kakashi. Kakashi was in your bed, clinging to you like an octopus. A sleepy smile flashed over your face before you closed your eyes again. Your hands were lazily stroking through his hair, cradling his head. Another grumble, much louder and vibrating in your chest, then you felt how he raised his head. His dark eyes met yours, blinking in blurry confusion and slowly dawning awareness.

“Morning,” you greeted. Your voice was still raspy from a nice, long sleep.

“Morning.” Kakashi grumbled. His chin landed on your chest again, eyes already closed and forehead smooth; no more wrinkles, no more dark clouds to chase away. Gently, your fingers trailed over to the bridge of his nose and the line of the skin-tight mask. For a dangerous second, you were tempted to curl your fingers into the hem, however, you resisted. Instead, your fingers drifted again up into his hair, doing what they had wanted to do for so long. 

“Feels good,” came the muffled response. Then, way, way quieter, almost inaudible: “Thank you.”

“No problem,” you said with your eyes closed, enjoying the closeness to the person you loved, “No problem at all.”

Chapter Text

The days passed, quietly and uneventful for the eyes of an unconcerned watcher. But for you, it seemed like a whirlwind of discovering new things in Konoha, and new things about yourself; the new closeness to Kakashi, awoken by the night you spent in one bed and realizing how deep your feelings for him truly were, was maybe the most unsurprising thing of them all. More so, the quiet enjoyment of the daily life you led with him; bringing the backyard to its former glory, bit by bit; watching Kakashi facing his struggles with his past and overcoming them, one by one—or at least, overcoming the initial weight of them. Spending time with his teammates, who visited for the first time (they all ‘oohed’ and aah’ed at the sight of the renovated compound and the freshly fixed backyard, claiming to have never been there before and promptly decided that it would be best to visit more often).

True tranquility. Peace.

Like this morning. Again, you woke up with a pleasant weight resting on your chest, by now familiar and welcomed. You hummed lowly, before reaching blindly out to do what you loved to do: comb through Kakashi’s messy hair with your fingers in slow, deliberate movements. If he was already awake or was woken by your motion, you would never know. The only thing you did know, however, was that Kakashi grumbled in return like an overly spoiled cat, before crawling upwards and nestling his still masked face into the crook of your neck.

“Morning,” you breathed, “Had a good night?”

“Of course. It was a night I could spend with you.” The response tickled on your skin, making you wiggle and squirm, but also a blush spreading on your face. Though, the right words were already on your tongue.

“There’s a certain word for people like you. Wait, let me… You have a silver tongue? How fitting.” Gently, you tugged at a strand of his own silver hair, at what Kakashi laughed. The laughter rolled deep within his chest, rummaging through yours too in the process.

“Maa, you’re so mean to me. I don’t know how I will survive your mean, mean comments.”

“Are you pouting? You’re pouting.”

“Yes, indeed. Pouting.”

With a faked, exasperated sign, you rolled your eyes up to the ceiling. “With what did I deserve this, oh gods…”

“Bad karma, probably.” Kakashi mumbled, only to nestle even closer. An impossible feat, as he was already plastered to your side. If not for your sleeping clothes, it would be direct skin to skin contact and you weren’t sure if you were ready for that.

A pleasant shudder wandered over your back. Yes, even the last layer of fabric between you two was gone. Skin dragging over skin in the best way possible, fingers circling sensitive spots, gently dragging your hands across the plane of his chest…

Fire seemed to burn in your cheeks and you quickly closed your eyes to get rid of these forbidden, Icha-Icha-fueled images. The author certainly described everything in excruciating detail, even stuff which should only happen between two married people.

In the books though, this happened mostly between people who weren’t married. Some interesting possibilities would open up if you would feel ready or encouraged enough to be this brave, but at first, you didn’t even kiss Kakashi yet. And second, giving yourself to him still seemed a bit scary.

The question is though, if he expects it. If he wants me to give myself to him.

Was he? It would be good to ask, for certain.

“Hey, Kakashi…?”

The man grumbled into your neck. “Mhm?”

“I have a question.”

“Okay.”

“About… what usually happens between people like us.”

“I’m following you.”

“Uhm…” You really wished to never have started this conversation. But here you were now, knee-deep in the mess you created for yourself. “I’m just asking myself… In the Icha-Icha-novels…”

You could feel how his entire body went rigid. His mind was working—no matter how sleepy or tired he was—so he probably already caught up to your thought process. “…Yes?” he asked again, this time with a bit more of hesitance lacing his voice.

“Do you,” a quick lick over your lips, “do you expect anything from me when it comes to… the physical needs of a—?”

“Woah.” Kakashi sat up, in his eyes shining the sudden panic of a man being cornered between a rock and a hard place. “No. No! Gods, no. Everything is alright. I don’t need that from you. Men don’t need it necessarily, so don’t let Jirayia’s novels tell you otherwise. When it comes to that,” it was a reassurance to see that the tips of his ears were painted in a shy red, “it would be, of course, nice, you know? In the future. Not now. It’s good just how it is right now. It’s… good.”

“Oh.” You gnawed at your bottom lip, while trying to avoid the intense gaze of the man. “Okay.”

Gods, this was embarrassing.

“But,” his hands sneaked beneath the blanket, took a hold of yours and squeezed them, “that doesn’t mean I don’t want to! Of course, I would like to, but… that shouldn’t be taken lightly. For me, that is still a big thing, even though for different people that has different priorities and such. And of course, it’s important that both people want the same. So, it would also only happen if you’re a hundred percent sure you would want that to happen between us.”

A needed reassurance. With an embarrassed smile spreading on your face, you squeezed back, what Kakashi answered as well with his own, hidden smile and a noticeable blush spreading over his not-so-hidden cheeks.

That was good to know. Really good to know. You tugged weakly at his hand, what Kakashi immediately understood. Like the spoiled cat he was on the inside, he nestled himself back into the warm space by your side. Face hidden in your neck, his chest pressed into your side, enjoying the warmth and closeness just as much as you did.

Again, peaceful and quiet. Just like it was supposed to be. A little sigh of pure content dropped from your mouth as your hand again found their way into the wild hair of the shinobi, gently tugging at the strands and combing through the surprisingly silky, soft mess.

“This is nice.” His muffled words tickled on your skin as Kakashi pressed his naked feet into your legs.

You nodded weakly, your fingers never easing up and never slowing down. “It is.”

He raised his head, curled up by your side and seeking protection when there was nothing to be protected from. Suddenly, his lax grip to your waist grew stronger without hurting, grew more possessive and insistent. A chance of atmosphere around him, and the change also affected you.

You craned your head downwards, searched for his dark, deep eyes. There was something standing inside them you couldn’t name, but a shudder of raw want cursed through your veins when you noticed it. Kakashi was so much taller than you, a realization you should have when he always folded himself against your body. Again, he stretched out, his entire long-limbed body still snuggled to your flank. Your eyes widened when his masked jaw inched closer, zeroing in on the little bumps and ridges where his lips were supposed to be.

He was inching closer, in his eyes burning a silent question you didn’t dare to name. There were only mere centimeters parting your lips from his, only a small way and still the seconds passed like decades. Crawling by in an almost endless circle of staring into Kakashi’s eyes and towards his mouth, asking yourself if he would pull down the mask to do what he obviously wanted to do or if the taste of his mask would feel just as good on your lips as his real skin.

It was peaceful. Quiet, in all the right ways you couldn’t name and nevertheless enjoyed. Well, until…

“MY ETERNAL RIVAL! MY YOUTH IS BOILING OVER AND IS CALLING OUT FOR ANOTHER CHALLENGE WITH MY MOST VALUABLE AND PRECIOUS FRIEND!”

To say Kakashi flinched away would be an understatement. Cursing under his breath, his hands on your hips tightened for a split second, only to let go completely and withdraw. One second, his face was close enough to feel the short jolt in his breath as he swallowed, the next, you missed his warmth as Kakashi rolled away, seemingly unaffected by the ordeal. Like it meant nothing, was nothing to him. But then, you watched the man how he basically stomped out of the room, hands balled into loose fists and nails digging into his own flesh, and you knew for certain that whatever just happened wasn’t at all meaningless for Kakashi.

A little smile flashed over your face.

But who was trying to challenge Kakashi this early in the morning? That was the real question here. Quickly, you scrambled out of the soft blankets and settled your feet onto the ground. Slipping into the morning robe, you searched for the worn-out slippers, still listening to the muffled conversation going on.

Their loud voices could only be clearly heard when you stuck your head out of the door and into the hallway. Faint, but still audible.

“Gai, you can’t just come here when I’m finally having a free day!”

“My eternal rival, our springtime of youth isn’t over now! We have to make the best out of every day we are able to see!”

“But Gai! Seriously, can’t you just send a message first?”

“There’s no time for a puny message when our SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH calls!”

Carefully, you inched closer to the source of the little discussion. There, in the hallway, the front door ripped wide open and the door frame empty. You peered outside. That Gai person certainly had to be in impressive figure, measured at the loud booming voice alone.

Kakashi was talking to a man sitting in a wheelchair. At first, no one would believe that this man would be able to exude unwavering energy in any shape or form, but when both men turned around at the same time, like they followed a secret signal, the wide grin forming on his face showed already a hint of the incredible amounts of noise and action he was capable of.

“You must be,” the man instantly zeroed in on you, not caring he nearly rolled over Kakashi’s feet as he did so, “the famous (Y/N)-san I heard so much about! Hello, hello there!”

Confused, you watched how he rolled up to the stairs like he intended to climb them. And indeed, the man did climb them. Without a hint of pausing, Gai jumped out of his wheelchair and onto his hands, walked up the stairs like there was nothing wrong with his behavior, only to beam at you as you could only stand at stare at this insanity.

“Excuse my sudden appearance,” he continued, “It surely wasn’t my intention to drag you out of bed, especially seeing that my dearest rival seems to be doing better due to your influence on his life, but my very soul flared hot and demanding at the very thought of having another challenge with my eternal rival, to kindle our flames of youth and life to new heights!”

In the background, you were heavily aware of the intent stare Kakashi gifted the both of you. Maybe he was worrying you were put off by the sheer confidence of Gai? Maybe he thought his friend, or eternal rival was a bit too much for you to take in?

Strangely enough, it was alright. Gai was alright. A quick check of his aura was everything it took to chase away even the smallest hints of doubt in your mind about the honesty displayed by him.

“Hello,” you greeted him with a weak lowering of your chin and a little smile, “It’s nice to meet you.”

If possible, Gai’s grin grew even wider. “It’s entirely my pleasure! Now, I finally got the chance to meet the woman who bewitched my eternal rival and soothed his torn mind! A truly youthful and excellent display of your shared passion, truly a wonderful and bright feast for the body and soul!”

You didn’t quite understand what Gai meant with these exclamations, but measured at the halfway exasperated and halfway fond sigh Kakashi let out, it had to be something good, even expected by him.

They were friends, that much even you could see. Good friends, if you had to put a label on their relationship, measured at the casual stance Kakashi maintained while arguing with Gai, or the way he seemed to open up the tiniest, tiniest bit.

It reminded you of the way Kakashi opened up to you, but in a much more fundamental way. The result of a long, beautiful and unbreakable friendship. Unbeatable in its own, wonderful way and also understanding of each other’s mistakes, faults and little annoying habits. Even if these habits consisted of waking one of them up at a truly unholy hour of the day to demand a challenge.

Unnoticed at the moment, the corners of your mouth lifted into a weak smile. “Thank you. But if I understood correctly, you’re here to challenge Kakashi? To what?”

Gai’s face lit up. “Spot on! Today, I can feel my win already dawning on the horizon! It is time to make our score even, my dearest rival!” He was turning again to Kakashi, still walking on his feet and not one bit troubled by it.

Your eyebrows rose at the sight, but before you could say anything, your host stepped up to the plate. Or, well, tried to. Kakashi climbed some of the stairs, only to step to your side while Gai kept on grinning is sunny smile. “Gai, today is a bad day for a challenge. Really. A bad, bad day.”

Usually, Kakashi was more eloquent in his half-lied words.

Gai didn’t catch the gist. “What are you saying? Today is the most perfect day of our lives! We’re alive, we’re here, our blood is still running through our veins! What else could there be to make a day perfect?”

“Really. A bad day, Gai. Tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, hell, yesterday would’ve been better!” There was a certain desperate edge to his voice, begging and pleading the other man without words to please, please understand the urgency of the matter; the urgency and importance to leave as soon as possible so that the fleeting and already fleeing moment between them wouldn’t fade completely.

“I think Gai is actually right, though.” Innocently, you peered up to Kakashi. The expression of total betrayal flashed over his face. “You didn’t spend much time with him lately, with me being here and the many meetings you go to… Wouldn’t it be nice to do a challenge then?”

“(Y/N)… I have the feeling you’re ratting me out here.”

“Me? No way. I would never do that.”

“And yet, you’re doing it in this exact moment, without batting an eye.”

“Really? Totally escaped my attention.”

You were aware that Gai watched the half-whispered, half-teasing conversation like you were part of an intense shogi-match. However, you were too captured in the fun of being an absolute nuisance to Kakashi’s oh-so-obvious plan that you didn’t care if you were basically flirting with him in front of a total stranger. Kakashi was relaxed to the core, and instinctively, you picked up on it. There was nothing to fear from the man, only to discover so many mysteries about your host.

Only slowly, the injured man seemed to catch onto your schemes. Though, when he did, there was a certain fire in his eyes telling you that he completely understood where you were coming from and why you did what you were currently doing. To your surprise, he gave you a silent thumbs-up and a bright smile at which your eyes started to tear up by the sheer brightness, only to hoist himself with an almost inhumane effort into the air. With a grace which didn’t fit his overall muscled appearance, he twirled and turned around himself, only to land with the silence of a cat back in his wheelchair.

“Do you hear that, my eternal rival?” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “Your love approves of our friendly contest! So, what do you say? A good old sparring match over ten rounds, for old time’s sake? A marathon around the village, done on our hands? A blindfold-race through the woods around Konoha? An eating-contest? Whatever you will choose, I’m ready to take you on!”

“Then I’ll chose Rock-Scissors-!”

“NO! A real challenge!”

Kakashi lowered his already outstretched and expectant hand to his side. By now, he seemed to accept his inescapable fate. A last playful growl into your direction, then Kakashi turned back towards the house.

“Fine, then. A good sparring will indeed brighten my mood. Give me a few minutes.” But just before he stepped over the threshold, his steps faltered, paused, only for Kakashi to turn his head around and give both of you an exhausted look.

“You will gossip about me as soon as I’m gone, right?”

“Can’t promise anything.”

“Of course not, my dear rival!”

“Of course not,” the man muttered under his breath as he vanished inside the house, “yeah… Of course not.”

One look you exchanged with Gai, and the unspoken agreement between the two of you exploded into a laughing fit. His booming laughter soared through the sky, seemingly shaking the trees close by with the sheer force, while your giggling filled your stomach, chest and heart.

You could probably get used to this.

Probably.

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Kakashi promised you that there was nothing to be worried about, but as you watched him biting his own thumb until blood broke through the skin, you weren’t too sure about that.

“Do you have to hurt yourself like that?” you asked while your mouth turned into a little frown of worry.

“It doesn’t hurt.” He promptly promised, which you didn’t believe anyway.

“It looks like it does.”

“It really doesn’t. Lost my feelings in that thumb years ago due to a mission and being healed too much when I nearly lost that one.”

Another thing you had to get used to about Kakashi: since he was more open with you, he tended to casually speak about horrifying and life-threatening injuries like they were just a minor nuisance and nothing to worry about. Though, your stomach clenched even thinking about the passing horrors and how many times Kakashi apparently took a step too close to the never-ending darkness, now to only spit in death’s face whenever he could with his impassive tone.

You nodded, even though you wanted nothing more than to wrap his thumb into a tight wrap of gauze and balm, and watched with your arms over your chest how the shinobi placed his hand on the ground. A seal appeared out of thin air, spreading over the earth of the backyard with Kakashi’s hand as the center, forming a concrete circle of mysterious black ink and intense energy.

A little gasp escaped you as smoke suddenly filled your vision, together with the overbearing scent of wet dog. Nothing like you had ever experienced before, your heart jumped into your throat and continued to beat in a fast, unforgiving rhythm of anxiety and panic.

Sure, Kakashi promised his dogs would be nice, but as far as you knew, the dogs were also his family. And according to the Icha-Icha-novels, meeting the family of your love interest was always a huge deal, something to be rightfully nervous about.

They are dogs. How hard can it be?

They are his partners! His summons! They are important!

Give them a bone and be done with it.

Slowly, the smoke started to clear. There were shadows moving, the wet-dog-smell intensified to incredible levels as well, and when a gruff, deep voice echoed over the grass, you instinctively tried to seek Kakashi’s presence. You reached out and only when he finally took your hand in his, the bloody thumb pressed against your skin, you felt a little bit less jittery.

“What’s up Kakashi?” the deep voice asked.

The last whiffs of smoke finally cleared and you squeezed the hand in yours a little bit tighter. A pile of dogs sat smack in the middle of the freshly restored backyard of the Hatake-compound. All different kinds of dogs; bigger and smaller ones, fur scruffy and pointy ears twitching in interest. Blue vests adorned their bodies, obviously handmade. Only after a few seconds, you realized that Kakashi must’ve made the vests himself, considering paws weren’t really useful for sewing.

Kakashi was as calm as one could be. “Hey, Pakkun.” he said, squeezing your hand, which helped to calm you down a little bit. “Nothing much. Everyone is feeling well?”

“Yeah.” Funnily enough, a small pug sitting on the head of a massive dog waved his paw around. “We’re all fine, even though Urushi needs some serious brushing and washing. In fact, we all do.”

The pack yipped together at the words of their leader, in all kinds of tones, some of them even starting to howl to underline the urgency of their request. However, they all instantly fell silent as Kakashi raised his other hand.

“Alright, alright, baths and brushes for everyone. But before that, I wanted to summon you to introduce someone to you.” Another reassuring squeeze of his hand. “Everyone, this is (Y/N). (Y/N), this is my pack.”

You managed to bring a shaky smile to your face. “Hey.”

At least half a dozen eyes of expectant dogs were fixated on you. Now, you finally knew how it felt to be a rabbit in the middle of a group of wolves, and it was definitely not a good feeling. Your knees felt shaky, your throat felt terribly dry, and only Kakashi’s hand steadied you as you stood in front of his furry family.

To your endless horror, Pakkun jumped off the other dog’s head. On short, stubby legs, the floppy ears wagging and tail standing straight, the pug walked over. His cold nose bumped into your naked feet, into your shins as well, sniffing and assessing you. Every fiber of your being froze. Gods, this was the moment. Against all of your instincts, you sent a little prayer to whatever deity was responsible for family-visits.

Please, dear gods, don’t let them hate me.

Don’t let them reject me. They are Kakashi’s family, they are important to him. If they hate me, he will choose them, of course, who wouldn’t?

Who wouldn’t choose adorable dogs over a grumpy hermit?

“She’s the one living here?” the pug asked.

On one hand, you wanted to sigh out in relief at the judgement being put on hold; on the other you wanted to scream at the dog to get it over with.

Kakashi’s hand squeezed again yours; a gentle reassurance that he was sure they would accept you. “Yes. For a few weeks now.”

“She smells like the forest still.”

“She likes to work in the garden. In fact,” Kakashi gestured around, “she’s responsible for restoring the Hatake gardens to their former glory.”

“She,” you growled, “doesn’t like to be talked about like she isn’t here.”

“Then,” the pug answered without missing a beat, “you should stop being afraid of us. Seriously, you smell like you want to piss your pants at any minute.”

Well, that was accurate. A low growl vibrated in your throat as you had to nod. Yeah, of course you would smell like that. No miracle there.

Pakkun wagged with his ears. “If you want to, you can touch the inside of my paws. They’re really soft.”

One look at Kakashi, who gestured towards the pug in a positive ‘Go on, he won’t bite’-manner, then you crouched down. Your hand trembled faintly when you reached out, still hesitant and scared to the bones.

"Here,” Pakkun also settled onto the ground, “we have all the time in the world.”

“Don’t rush me,” you pressed through gritted teeth.

“I’m not rushing you.”

“It feels like that!”

“Just touch my paw.”

“I will!”

“Stop being whimsy.”

“I am not!”

Maybe any other passive viewer would’ve hurried you to get it over with. Touching a dog’s paw wasn’t that hard, right? Kakashi though watched,—the amusement oozing from him in thick waves—how you had an intense discussion with his summoned dog, while the rest of the pack waited with their tongues lolling out of their muzzles. The biggest dog, the one Pakkun rode on, even had the nerve to curl on the ground. Spittle dropped everywhere, where even the other dogs avoided the small puddles with yipping and yapping, until they also settled down on a dry patch of grass and continued to watch.

Still with shaky fingers, you reached out. Pakkun was the patience in a person, waiting and looking at you with his wrinkly face. Only one of his legs rose, twitched upwards, and the inner part became visible; shining in a delicate pink, the inside definitely looked soft. Gently and with the very tip of your fingers, you prodded the paw.

“That was nothing, girl.”

“I’m not a mere girl!” Before the pug could say anything, you prodded his paw again. Longer, with the pad of your finger. And yes, it was indeed soft. A bit soft, a bit squishy. Once more, just to be safe. Before you knew it, you were gently kneading the paw. The pug just sat there and allowed you to enjoy the moment without saying a word.

“It’s really soft,” you mumbled full of wonder.

Pakkun growled lowly, but you didn’t have the feeling that it was with ill intent. “Of course, it is, little girl. I told you so.”

“You’re doing great.” Kakashi mumbled, way too close to your ear.

A high yelp got stuck in your throat. Damn, this shinobi! A bell around his neck would be nice! You flinched backwards, away from Pakkun. The back of your head hit a chest, warm and strong arms enveloped you from behind. The yelp living in your chest died as you felt Kakashi’s masked face nestle into the crook of your neck. Right into the bare skin. His breath ghosted over your neck in short waves; a feeling you wouldn’t deny to love and crave for.

“Was that necessary?” You barely bit back the instinct to cuddle right back, otherwise the teasing words surely would miss their mark.

Kakashi’s closed and curved eyes were just a few inches away, his mouth even closer than that. “Yes. I just had the urge to be close to you.”

“That’s…”

“Sweet? Caring? Lovely?”

“A bit disgusting, to be honest.”

“Aaah, that hurts.”

“That bad?”

“Yup. Deep down, in my soul.”

“Aaaw.” You reached up to cup his jaw. A quick smile tugging at your mouth. “What will you do about that?”

Deeply in thought, Kakashi angled his head, forehead wrinkled like he had to contemplate the meaning of life or something similar, something with the same depth and difficulty. “Mhmm,” in his eyes stood a certain sparkle; one which reminded you of this morning and the strange situation, “I have a certain thing in mind which could help me get over this…”

Another smile had stolen its way onto your face as Kakashi’s face came closer. So close your lips nearly brushed his mask; nearly brushed the masked lips! So close, so damn close.

“Gods,” the distance between the two of you instantly widened when Pakkun’s rough, gruff voice disturbed the little moment, “give me the strength to make it through a lifetime of this…”

Kakashi froze. Obviously, his mind was racing if he could take another interruption and just continue with the moment or if it was (once more) disturbed without a chance of return from there.  

“If you hurry up,” Pakkun didn’t care at all, or he just loved to make trouble for his summoner, “then we can do our baths and brushes. And your friend can help, too.”

The man sighed one last time, full of remorse and disappointment, before he let go. You missed his warmth as soon as he was gone, but a gentle pat on your shoulder and the glance you shared with him told you more than enough.

Another time. Another day.

And yes, you were sure Pakkun enjoyed torturing Kakashi way too much when you looked at the wrinkled pug in the eyes and saw a spark not unlike Kakashi’s whenever the man was in one of his moods to wreak havoc and play pranks on you.

Kakashi had to learn it from someone, after all.

As you watched how he was almost buried underneath the pack when he finally paid them the attention they deserved, you couldn’t help but join in to the barks of laughter and enjoyment, meanwhile Kakashi could only sputter and demand to be released.

Not successfully. As Kakashi would tell you later, his pack was known to never let anyone escape their grasp and bites, so of course he couldn’t just wiggle his way out. And of course, you would tease him endlessly about it.

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He would’ve never believed he had to resort to desperate measures to advance in a relationship. Hell, Icha-Icha-novels were the perfect preparation after all! But Kakashi was desperate at this point. He tried now several times to find the courage to actually kiss (Y/N), but he always was interrupted. They were interrupted; rudely and without a chance to turn the time back.

But now he was here, asking the last person he ever wanted to ask for advice. Again, not because he wanted to, but every other person he turned to had given him crappy advice. Tenzo, or Yamato, like he wanted to be called these days, even ran away under the pretense of “having heard someone calling for him”. Yeah, bullshit. His kouhai just didn’t have the guts to answer him, Kakashi was sure of that.

Like that, he was left with the last person in Konohagakure he ever wanted to ask, just because Gai had maybe the same amount of experience of wooing women as himself.

“What do you think?” he asked, while the ramen in his bowl started to cool.

Gai looked up from his own food, for once not shoveling the food into his mouth like he followed a personal challenge, but slowly and carefully. Hell, they both were eating slowly for once.

“What do you mean, my rival?”

“I asked you if you have an idea where I should take (Y/N), to have a few calm hours with her.”

“A few hours! Kakashi, what do you plan to do with her?”

“Nothing! Well, maybe… something?”

Gai gasped in barely restricted horror. “Kakashi! That’s… that’s indecent! You can’t expect me to help you—!”

“Oh gods, no! Not that kind of-!” Kakashi could feel himself getting redder with every second. “No, really not. I just want to show (Y/N) some nice, calm places around Konoha, nothing else. I swear on my life.” And even if he had some kind of hidden agenda, so what? It was certainly not so bad to finally have (Y/N) for himself.

He was allowed to be selfish, just this time. All the time, with her… For certain. Even Jirayia-san always wrote in his books that love was meant to be selfish.

Gai must’ve seen that he was being completely honest. Once more, his friend regarded him with a thoughtful glance, but then, his expression lightened up. “I don’t know about you, my rival, but I believe a good training is always a perfect opportunity to charm a potential love interest!”

Kakashi died a little bit on the inside. Gai and his training-focused mind. Why did he even bother?

“Thank you,” he mumbled and turned again to his ramen bowl, “I will take that into account.”

Under no circumstances, Kakashi promised to himself, under no circumstances, I will take (Y/N) to the training grounds to have some kind of close combat with her.

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“Hawk. Report.”

“Subject is still living with the sixth Hokage. Her work in the greenhouses is going smoothly; important herbs and plants were safely restored. Connections with the young leader of the Yamanaka and Hyuuga could be watched, as well as with the student of the fifth Hokage and the young weapon mistress.”

“What can she do?”

“It is to be believed she is able to sense the natural energy of her surroundings. She was able to sense my presence. Also, things seem to move to her will without being touched, though that ability is now yet safely confirmed. Her knowledge about nature and plants is to be recognized.”

“And Hatake?”

“Just as smitten as before. Seen and heard asking around for advice to take the subject to an undisturbed place.”

“Good. If this continues, Hatake can bind her tighter to the village without us even intervening.”

“Love is not safe enough. We have to give her other reasons to stay.”

“A seal should be enough. Stronger wills than hers were already broken.”

“Koharu, this is a dangerous game. Are we sure she’s worth it?”

“She’s already a powerful pawn. If the suspicions about her other abilities, telekinesis and attack strength are confirmed, we could raise the battle power of our village tremendously. The peace treaty will not last. It never has.”

“Her complete worth is yet still to be determined.”

“We know, Hawk. You’re dismissed.”

Chapter Text

Something was up. 

You knew it from the moment Kakashi knocked at the door leading into the kitchen, where you were busy brewing some tea after just having washed your hands and scraping all the dirt from the backyard out from under your fingernails. Kakashi didn't normally knock in his own house; he wouldn't knock at the kitchen door in his own home where he could go wherever whenever he wanted. However, today—now—, he did.

Something was definitely up.

No tone left your mouth as you watched how Kakashi carefully inched his way into the kitchen. His hands were clamped into the wood of the door, like he needed the reassurance and feeling of something solid in his palms to continue with whatever was on his mind that turned him into this coward.

“Hey,” he waved at you; a silly little wave just above his shoulder, “I was just asking myself if you have some time today…?”

“It’s my free day and another part of your garden is free off weed. So, yeah, I guess I’m free today.”

“Really?” He peered out of the window and whistled, probably when he spotted one of the rare and last patches of the flower beds which you just cleaned up. “That went faster than I anticipated.”

“What can I say?” You shrugged. “I’m quick.”

He hummed, only to lean against the wall beside the window. His warm eyes were creased in the invisible smile, and not for the first time over the last few weeks you wished the mask wasn’t there. “You’re a hard worker, too. Thank you. The garden has never looked better.”

“The structure was already laid out. I just… polished what was there.”

“Be proud of what you did. Please.” Kakashi’s voice softened to a barely audible rumble. “I don’t think anyone else could’ve done what you did in the last weeks. Reformed the greenhouses. Rebuild this absolute mess of a garden. You got used to an entirely new society, new surroundings. This is something worth complimenting, you know?”

You still weren’t used to some of his sudden waves of compliments. Sometimes, he would just start to hand out the sweet words like candy, and you had no idea how to react apart from blushing and falling silent.

Just like now. A blush creeped over your face, colored your neck up to your forehead and ears, and every word you would’ve maybe given back at him died on your tongue.

Kakashi chuckled lowly when the pause extended way past the social norm. “Aaah. No response because you’re seeing the truth in my words or did I really make you speechless? For the very first time too, I should note.”

“Not true,” you mumbled, while your blush still raged right beneath your skin, “both parts.”

“Maa, I think I’m actually right. Both parts,” he added. Then, Kakashi pushed himself off the wall, only to take one of your hands into his. Long, warm fingers wrapped itself around your hand, the many tiny scars of countless battles dragging against your skin. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, the masked mouth moving behind the fabric, “if that’s too much, you just have to tell me and I will stop. One word, and I will do something else to bring that… that really beautiful…”

It was good to see his own flush slowly creeping over the edges of his mask. Measured at his sentence, you could estimate what he wanted to say and you were glad he wasn’t able to finish it. Otherwise, you might’ve combusted right then and there.

“What have you planned for me?” you asked and hoped Kakashi would drop the topic. One look into his close way and you knew that he saved this entire conversation in his brain.

His hand squeezed yours; a familiar pressure by now. “I haven’t seen you use your power lately.”

“And?”

“Why is that?”

You shrugged. “It’s… hard to say. I think because there’s not as much free space around me anymore. You know? When I lose control, it hits more people. So, I don’t use them at all. And probably to not give the people another reason to fear me. The villagers…”

Logical reasons. Good reasons, from your point of view.

Surprisingly, Kakashi nodded. “Alright. We can work with that. It’s okay.”

“What do you mean?”

His smile crinkled the dark fabric of his mask. “What would you say about a free space where you could freely release some of your powers? Just train them a bit. Or some physical exercise, without any of your gift involved.”

A free space? You blinked in blank confusion. To test out your powers? What a strange concept. Wouldn’t it be dangerous?

“Free space?” you asked. “How free? Are there any houses close by? Could there be people who I possibly could hurt?”

“The training grounds of Konoha are pretty far out. And I booked an entire field, just for you. Actually, also the grounds closest to that field, so you can be assured. No one will be around, the fields are wide enough to allow Sasuke and Naruto to spar with each other in a halfway serious way, and I will also be there.”

“That doesn’t really calm me down.” It was a lie. Having Kakashi there, by your side, certainly would calm you down, but at the same time, scared you shitless. What if you accidentally hit him? What if you couldn’t control your gift? You hadn’t used it in a big scale in such a long time; what if the control wasn’t a given anymore?

Like he could smell your fear or read your thoughts, Kakashi leaned into you. “Hey,” his breath caressing your face, “relax. I have total faith in you. I will be careful. I promise.”

At first, you couldn’t bring yourself to form your thoughts into actual words. Kakashi was so close, his scent was all around you; his hand was loosely wrapped around yours. By now, you should be used to that, measured at the many, many times Kakashi sneaked into your bed to wrap himself around you, but today just seemed different.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” you finally managed to bring out. And really, the thought of hurting Kakashi out of all people, hurting any of the new friends you made… Sickness spread in your stomach. No, under no circumstances.

Instinctively, you searched for more contact with Kakashi. Your forehead bumped gently into his shoulder as you drifted closer, your entwined hands caged between your bodies. A deep sigh rumbled through his own throat; made out of satisfaction and content.

“I’m a highly capable shinobi, (Y/N). I can protect myself. And I already said that I trust you. You wouldn’t hurt me.”

“You can’t—!”

“Yes. I can and I will, and I’m doing it right now.” One hand of his flew up, buried itself in your hair and cupped the back of your head with a gentleness which betrayed the rough nature of every shinobi. “Don’t worry about me. Try to have fun today, alright?”

You hid a little grimace in his vest, but cuddled nevertheless closer. Your other hand raised, clawed into his chest, brought Kakashi closer. His laugh rumbled through your bodies, low and cute and tempting you to maybe drag him back into bed to enjoy some more minutes or even hours of close contact…

However, Kakashi went through the trouble of preparing the fields. It would be a waste of his time and effort, and you hated waste of all kinds with a passion.

One last sigh hidden in Kakashi’s vest, then you backed away. “Okay. Lead the way. I’m looking forward to see what all the fuss is about.”

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Actually, you had to realize, there was nothing special to fuss over. The training fields were separated from the rest of the world by a mesh-fence, high and barbed wire sitting on the very top. A sign displaying a number hung right beside a door, which Kakashi opened for you with a nonchalant manner. Only the invisible grin, betrayed by his curled eyes, showed how he enjoyed this moment.

“What are we going to do?” You were still looking around, taking in the unmarred grass, the trees surrounding the clearing and the thin riverbed curling its way through the earth. Then you turned around and watched how Kakashi closed the door behind him. “What’s the plan?”

“I believe teaching you about the fundamentals of chakra would be good for starters.”

“For what would I need that?”

While bantering, the two of you slowly wandered towards the vague middle of the clearing. Kakashi had his hands buried in the pockets of his pants, still smiling and as happy as one could be. He clearly enjoyed this, coming here, while you had no idea what was going on and what was going to happen. He was in his natural element and it showed.

“My theory,” he started, “is that the natural energy, or natural chakra like shinobi call it, is pretty similar to our normal chakra. And that is what you can feel with your radar, right?”

“I don’t know about chakra, but you’re right about me feeling the energy or aura.”

Unprotected by the shade of the trees around, the sun was coming down directly onto your head. Barely after the middle of the day—measured at the high stance and strength of the rays. Still, the weather was nice. A few clouds were piling up in the sky, telling about a possible rainshower later in the day, or more likely, during the night. Fall was coming quickly, you realized. Time had passed so fast and so many things happened that you never even noticed…

Kakashi’s voice brought you back to reality. “My point is that both energies should be pretty similar. And hiding your own chakra signature should also be pretty easy for you. At least, I believe so.”

“And what is the goal of that lecture? Didn’t you invite me so I could test out my gift again?” you asked. You had the feeling he had a hidden agenda. You didn’t like that feeling. It was a last nagging rest of suspicion and life-long, trained distrust of people who kept stuff from you. But the spark vanished as soon as the man cocked his head, the rays falling onto his silver hair. “Of course,” he answered, “I would also like to see more of that. But we can also try some hand-to-hand-combat, some meditation, even some slow katas if you like. They’re really good for relaxation and feeling your inner chakra system.”

You had to say, chakra seemed like an interesting concept as a whole. The flow of energy in some chosen people who were then able to harness this power to fight, move faster and be stronger. Cultivation was the pivotal point; cultivation and relentless training, that much you could tell from the constant physical training Kakashi was going through, together with the fair share of meditation.

But would you be able to wield chakra like shinobi did?

“Do I even have the aptitude to learn how to control chakra?” you asked.

He nodded. “Everyone has some rudimentary control over their chakra. At least learning how to suppress it to avoid detection should be possible. It wouldn’t fool a shinobi who actively searches for you, but you would definitely pass the first check. The same method we teach to the academy students when they start off with their training.”

Well, if they were able to teach it the children…

“I guess then I should be fine, huh?” A dry smile tugged at the corners of your mouth.

Only too late, you realized to opened up a perfect opportunity for Kakashi to compliment you. You could see it in the sudden sparkle coming to life in his eyes and in the way he shifted on his feet.

“Oh, you’re more than fine.” And there was it, the dreaded words. “Your ability to learn, too, of course.”

You didn’t know if you wanted to sigh into your folded hands or if you wanted to hide yourself in some of the bushes around the field to avoid showing how much Kakashi’s compliments meant to you. The man didn’t seem to care at all how much you were affected, just continued to smile and tease you with his cheesy lines.

Deep down though, I like it.

Unfortunately, that’s true.

“Can I first try my gift?” you asked. “Before you try to teach me anything?”

Kakashi’s entire body slacked, the invisible tension in his muscles only becoming obvious when it was gone. He was relieved, you realized, relieved that you didn’t outright reject his offer. “Sure, go ahead.” To your surprise, the man sat down, calm and collected and very obviously not bothered by the fact that you could potentially kill him by accident. Right there, into the soft grass and by your side.

Your disbelieving stare was met with another eye-crinkling, hidden smile. “Oh, don’t mind me. I will just watch in awe.”

You scoffed, but turned with purpose your back towards him. If you really would go ahead and release some of your gift into the world, you sure as hell wouldn’t do it directly into Kakashi’s face. A last roll of your eyes, then you carefully reached for your gift, in the same manner someone else would reach for a dangerous chained-up dog.

The first thing to move were the trees around. Just a tiny sway in the wind, and unknowledgeable viewers would believe that the weak breeze was responsible, but the motions were a bit too strong to be caused by the fresh wind.

In your back, Kakashi hummed. “This never ceases to amaze me.”

“Mhm.” The movements of the trees picked up, grew stronger and less natural. Even the grass around you started to shake and tremble.

“Hey, I have a question.”

“What?”

“Can you also move water with your gift?”

As an answer, some of the river rose into the air. A ball of water curled and swirled around, some leaves and dirt and even a small fish swimming in the middle, before you dropped it again back into its source. “I can, but it’s hard. A little bit less hard than catching water with your bare hands. Though, it’s more exhausting than moving solid earth or the leaves. I prefer moving water in a bucket or pot.”

One glance over your shoulder to see Kakashi nod in silent agreement. “I understand. Way easier, less taxing.”

With a little smile, you turned away again. “Exactly.”

Before you started using your gift today, you were a little bit tense. After such a long time of only marginally using it, you asked yourself if it would be harder to use or to call upon, to control it with the necessary strictness. Your worries were unfounded though. If anything, it seemed easier. So much easier; so easy that it was almost scary. And still, even though you were even more cautious for any possible anomaly, there was nothing out of the ordinary. The world around you, the flow of natural energies, the mental image of everything your gift touched, everything was the same.

Like an old friend.

“I missed this,” you admitted to yourself, the clear words being lost in the air, “I missed my gift. I didn’t realize it until now, but I missed doing this.”

In a wise choice, Kakashi didn’t say anything.

You shook your head. “I always was a bit scared of my gift. Someone died by my hands, I used them to hurt someone. They were most of the reasons why people feared me. But at the same time… They’re everything I have left. It’s mine; only mine. I should… I don’t know.”

“They’re a part of you. You can’t suppress a part of yourself, especially when they’re that deeply anchored in your very being.”

“Yes.” A last tug at the gift, then the unnatural breeze around the field died. The whisper of the leaves stopped as well as the motions of the grass. Even the river seemed to flow a little bit slower than before. “I think you’re right.”

In your back, Kakashi shuffled around, fabric rubbing over grass and dirt. “You know, you can use your gift. Inside my house. Outside of it. I won’t have a problem with that.”

“And the people living around you? Can you promise they won’t have a problem?”

“You’re very deliberate and careful with what you use your gift for or not. If you continue that behavior, then I think no one should have a problem. Even if they do, that’s on them.”

“Won’t they get…” You fell silent. The memory of the angry villagers in your old town were still fresh on your mind. Too fresh to stir them up again.

His chuckle was balm to the wounds of your past. “If someone should get angry at you, then that’s hypocrisy at its finest. Not being worried about shinobi who can kill someone in less than a second with their bare hands, but about an extremely cautious human who knows the weight on her shoulders all too well? And if they should also be worried about shinobi, then it’s not your fault you’re disliked.” Kakashi’s hand sneaked into yours from behind, a masked chin landing on your shoulder for a mere second, before he pulled away again. “If that happens, this hypothetical someone already had prejudices on their mind before you came along. It wouldn’t be your fault.”

Gently, his hand tugged you around. At the almost unbearable warmth shining from his eyes, you could feel your own face lightening up, but you didn’t look away. Couldn’t, frozen into place by his presence.

Kakashi leaned in, face growing closer and closer until you thought you would faint any moment just because he was so close. His nose was nearly touching yours, barely an inch apart. If you just had the courage to actually move, just for a second, just for the tiniest part of a single moment…

Though, he seemed to sense something was wrong. The man backed away, eyes again curving in an invisible smile you would’ve loved to see. “Are you done? Or are you ready to learn how to conceal your chakra?”

“For now,” you mumbled, still trying to fight the raging blush, “I’m done. I think, at least.”

His smile widened by a margin, still gentle and always adorable. “Alright. First off, I would probably have to run you through some of the theory a bit…”

The next twenty minutes you listened to a true textbook introduction to chakra and the chakra systems, the nature of chakra and how the different natures interacted with each other. Part of you was interested in the lecture, but the bigger part was busy watching Kakashi who seemed to be in his element. His like for jutsu and the dedication he gave to the shinobi arts was as clear as the sky to someone who knew him well enough. For his calm personality, he was gesturing wildly around, expressed his emotions more clearly, and was definitely more talkative. You liked to see him like this.

Love. I love to see him like this.

“Are you still with me?”

“Hm?”

Kakashi chuckled. “I get that you’re totally lost in my eyes and that you would like to do nothing more than to jump me, but I’m trying to teach you something here. No time for frivolities, I’m afraid.”

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “Frivolities. Really? Do you have to prove how eloquent you are at any time of the day?”

“Of course.” Your scoff turned into a little giggle when he placed his hand against his forehead in a dramatic gesture which would be fitting for the adaptation of the Icha-Icha-books he already showed you. “I need other people to fawn over me to fix my damaged self-esteem.”

“Then forgive me, I never knew your confidence was this fragile.”

“You’re hurting me, deep, deep down with your mean words.”

“Surely not.” At least, you hoped that you weren’t insulting him, but Kakashi’s joking tone didn’t fade away, so he seemed alright? “So, what about you teaching me? You whine an awful lot for a serious teacher.”

He raised his hands in defeat. “I see, I’ve been beaten in this battle of words. But the student wants to learn so who am I to deny you this? We can start with meditation. The best method to get a feel for your inner chakra system.”

You weren’t up for protests, so you quickly found yourself on the ground, the legs crossed and entwined and Kakashi sitting right in front of you. Your knees touched, pressed against each other in an almost intimate touch.

Almost. Yes, it was truly maddening.

Kakashi reached over and took both of your hands into his. “I need you to close your eyes. Okay?”

Easy enough. With a slow nod, you followed his order.

“Good. Can you do your energy-radar-thing?”

A soft nod. It was also easy enough. Instantly, the darkness lit up with the natural energies around you. Kakashi’s energy was the closest, of course, burning brightly in red and yellow and orange. You had never seen red before, but yellow and orange were signs of happiness and giddiness.

“Good. My theory is that you can already feel the natural energies of the world, which requires usually months of dedicated training. Feeling your inner chakra systems should be easier than that. Turn your attention towards yourself. Inside of your own body.”

That was definitely a bit harder than it sounded. You were used to look out for any kind of danger, for dangerous intentions and such, but looking inside yourself wasn’t something you usually did.

“Listen to your heart. It’s beating, right? Every heartbeat carries chakra through our bodies. Listen to your heartbeat.”

The only thing you could take away from your heartbeat was that in the close presence and skin contact with Kakashi, your heart always felt a little bit like you had climbed a mountain. In a good, uplifting way.

“Sometimes it helps when you envision the path your blood takes through your veins. As I explained before while you dreamed away, the chakra system is tightly connected with our organs and blood vessels. Take a deep breath in, alright?”

In theory, you knew how a heart and blood were supposed to work. As instructed, you took a deep breath in, all the while trying to feel the way how your blood pumped from your heart into every other part of your body. Going on and on and on, until death would find you in one way or another. A constant drum. Yes, you could hear that. Hear and feel that.

“And a deep exhale. You’re doing great, by the way.”

“Thank you.” The air circulated in your lungs, before you pushed everything out in a long, drawn-out sigh. Maybe you really started to feel your body or it was just your imagination. The flow of your blood; the rhythm of your pulse; the grumbling of your stomach. Another deep breath in, another one out. Yes, indeed. You were able to feel something, something going on inside your body…

Kakashi’s hands squeezed yours. “Good. Just like that. Now, try not to look at your physical body, but at the metaphysical one.”

“What?”

“The chakra system. Sorry.” He sounded a bit embarrassed. “Search for your chakra system. Something even deeper engraved into your body, even more elementary than your blood.”

Digging even deeper… Your teeth were lodged in your bottom lip as you tried to follow whatever Kakashi was saying. You could only see your own aura, glittering and sparkling in all kinds and shades of red, blue and yellow. Yellow because you were obviously happy, blue because you were nervous about the training, red because…

Was it because of love?

Come on, concentrate. Something deeper, something different but apparently not that different.

A deep breath in, a deep breath out. Something similar to the natural aura, the energy, but in your own body. So it had to be a part of yourself, right? Maybe if you… if you pushed all the other impressions of your radar aside? Dug deep enough to discover something new?

Deep breath in. You tried to shove all the colors aside. Deep breath out. Throw the colors out, just for a moment. In. With the pulsing of your heart. Out. Not your aura, coursing through your body, alive and warm and always there…

Something seemed to click right into place, and suddenly, your eyes were opened. Not literally, but your inner eyes. You drew a sharp breath in as an unknown power lit up, veins and reins of soft lightning. Kakashi was right, it was indeed an entire system of intricate lines with important knots running in a straight line from your head down to your very feet. Branches ran into your arms, legs, twisted around your ribs and neck, right up around your brain and down into your very toes.

“I think,” you whispered, “I think I have it.”

“That was indeed quick,” Kakashi mused, “but not as quick as I was back when I learned it.”

“Ooh, stop it. You’re just bragging to me.”

“Ok, I lied there. You were faster, but you also had an unfair advantage over me.”

A laugh bubbled in your chest. You actually were faster than Kakashi? A wide grin split your face, at what Kakashi scoffed.

“Yes, yes, yes. You were faster. Go on, you can rub it in my face.”

“Oh no, I will leave that for a special moment.” Playfully, you winked at him. “Okay, what comes next? I’m definitely ready to surpass you once more.”

“Maa, good to see you’re eager.” Kakashi straightened his back and moved out of his seat in the soft grass. He offered you a hand which you graciously took, grateful for the opportunity to touch Kakashi and enjoy some contact with him. Pulling you up seemed effortless to him, and when you stood on your own two feet and pulled even further into his arms, you weren’t opposed to that either. Your face was buried in his chest, the harsh material of the shinobi vest pressed against your cheek. His smell enveloped you like a well-loved blanket and you closed your eyes to enjoy this moment to the fullest.

You could feel Kakashi’s mouth move against your skin, where he buried his face into the side of your neck. “I really shouldn’t give in to these urges. Hugging you whenever I want.”

“Why not?”

“I could grow to like it more than I should.”

“And why is that a bad thing?”

Kakashi decided not to answer, only buried his face deeper in the crook of your neck like a dog searching for attention. In hindsight, you maybe should have pursued this question further, but at the moment it seemed like the best to let it go. The warm embrace was too good to destroy by useless questioning, after all.

Tightly entwined, the hug lasted for several more minutes. Only the sound of a raven cawing way too loudly to be not a disturbance caused Kakashi to sigh heavily and retreat, what caused you to also let go of the soothing warmth.

“Thank you,” he mumbled. One of his hands flew up and brushed an astray strand of your hair out of your face. “I just… Sometimes it overcomes me.”

“Well, if that urge overcomes you again, I’m definitely willing to indulge you.” You smiled. Yes, if that meant more and longer hugs with Kakashi, then you were definitely willing. And you also loved to see the shinobi flustered, how he would not dare to look into your eyes and fidget the tiniest bit on his feet.

He still didn’t meet your eyes as he reached up to unzip his flak vest, shedding the clothing unceremoniously to the ground. “Anyway,” he mumbled, cheeks still red, “now that you felt your chakra system for the first time, we can go over to activate it. For that purpose, I will show you some kata all shinobi practice regularly to keep their chakra active.”

Still amused, you went back to his teaching. And indeed, it was a fun past-time. The easy enough kata didn’t faze you at all. Your muscles moved, started to stretch in a pleasant way, and the constant awareness of your body these exercises gave you made you smile lightly. But then Kakashi demanded that you started to constantly check your chakra system while going through the motions. This was a little bit harder, but after a while you started to get the gist of it.

But then Kakashi started with a more complicated kata, and it felt like the previous exercises were just a mere joke. Sweat ran down your temples as you tried to follow his graceful movements which looked so damn flowing and effortless that you grit your teeth so hard they ached. Sweat clung to your clothes, made them stick to your back and legs. Sweat matted your hair to your head and ran into your eyes, making these kata even less fun than before.

“Try to breathe normally,” Kakashi advised you while he grabbed his own imaginary enemy only to throw them over his hip, “you’re tensing up.”

“I’m trying,” you grunted. One more look at his position, legs spread and secure on the ground, arms outstretched and at the same time at ease. Once more, you copied him, all the while trying really hard to remember what was coming next. Did you have to take a step to your right? Or did you have to cross your arms first?

Kakashi could read your thoughts apparently. “Arms first.”

You nodded sharply. Okay, arms first. A deep breath out, and you crossed your arms in front of you, wrist over wrist, muscles tense and trembling ever so slightly. A deep breath in, and you slowly moved into a low crouch. Your arms were uncrossing, moving into a so called “attack stance”, palms facing forward and fingers outstretched, mimicking the claws of a tiger. In the back of your mind, you knew Kakashi interrupted his own exercises to watch you, but you ignored him. Another deep exhale while you tried to feel your chakra, remember what movement came next, the muscles in your calves trembled from the extended strain, a breeze came up and tried to dry the sweat on your forehead…

With a frustrated groan, you collapsed to the ground, accompanied by Kakashi’s weak chuckle. “It’s harder than it looks like, I’ve got to admit that.”

“Years of training, nothing else. We all started somewhere.”

“True.” You leaned slightly forward, arms resting on your knees and feet planted firmly on the ground. The sun had wandered further over the sky, a few clouds drifting by and the weak wind ghosting over the field made the warmth more than bearable. A nice, calm day, nothing more, nothing less. “Though, how is that supposed to help with covering up my chakra?”

“These exercises are supposed to give you a better feel on your own chakra system. To feel the flow and rhythm, how to feel and reach for your chakra while you move as well. Important lessons for a shinobi.”

“Ah, alright. Makes sense.”

“Mhm.” Again, Kakashi offered you his hand and again, you took it. Just like before, he used a bit more of his strength than necessary, catapulting you right into his arms before you could do more than gasp at the rash movement.

There you were again, looking up into Kakashi’s eyes and not minding one bit how you got there. A teasing smile tugged at the corners of your lips as you noticed the sway of his eyes; right down to your smiling, quirked lips. There was something on his mind and you had a distinct, vague idea what it could be.

And really, after a few more moments of silent debating with himself, the man sighed your name. “(Y/N)…”

“Yes?”

“I have that… urge again.”

“Okay.”

“But not only…” His face was by now the color of a tomato, right up the tips of his ears. “Not only that.” He added in a whisper. A secret just between the two of you, even though you were all alone on the field.

His face was so close. Yet again. But this time, your heart jumped into your throat, continued to be and beat there, while your breath hitched when Kakashi leaned even closer.

“May I?” he asked, his words barely above a whisper.

For a second, your thoughts raced around, not knowing what he possibly could mean with that question. However, when Kakashi was already backing away ever so slightly, you quickly nodded.

“Yes,” you whispered, "yes, yes. Please?" You tried to ignore the fact that your voice grew soft, higher pitched in a hopeful squeak that you were sure your face was burning up rather brightly. No, of course not. Definitely not. 

But please kiss me?

He blinked quickly, then a little huff brushed over your face. “Thank the gods.” A last, assuring wink, and Kakashi leaned fully in. His masked lips pressed against yours in a soft caress. Nothing more than sweet pressure, easy and careful, laced with hesitation and giddy hope. His hand brushed against your cheek, cupped your face as his masked mouth opened slightly against yours.

Butterflies flew around in your stomach. You never understood that saying before, but now you did, fully and truly. There seemed to be hundreds of butterflies swirling in your stomach and chest, your heart beating a wild strong rhythm as your own mouth opened to welcome Kakashi. Even with the black fabric still parting you, it was still a special gesture with a special meaning; special enough to make your head spin and heart race.

When you pulled back, your eyes fluttering open, you were able to watch the dazed expression of Kakashi. His half-lidded eyes were fixed on your face, fingers shaking against your cheek, and when he leaned his forehead against yours, the silver strands mixing with your own hair, you could feel the heat radiating from him out of sheer nervousness.

“I wanted to do this for so long,” he admitted weakly, “and when the moment finally comes, I forget to pull down my mask.”

You giggled at the exasperation showing in his voice. “You can always try again. You’re here, I’m here. Nothing is stopping you.”

“Damn, you’re right.” But just when Kakashi curled his fingers into the edges of his mask, he paused. An insecure glance was sent your way. “Would you mind closing your eyes for a second?”

Doubt raised its ugly head, but you quickly squashed it. While you nodded at him, you were already closing your eyes, head still raised and lips slightly parted. Waiting, anticipating, hoping. Fabric ruffled, a brush of warm air ghosted over your lower face, then warm lips pressed a quick kiss to the right side of your mouth. Just barely missing your lips and still so sweet that shudders wandered down your backbone.

“Thank you,” Kakashi mumbled and pressed another kiss to the opposite side, “thank you, (Y/N).”

You couldn’t even say anything back, because his lips molded itself against yours. Without the layer of a mask between you and him, you could enjoy the drag of skin against skin even more. Slowly, deliberately, without a worry about time and possible intruders. It was definitely a nice feeling, better than nice. Tingles spread through your entire body, and the need to be closer and closer to Kakashi was almighty. Your hands reached up to claw into his shirt, the other flying even higher to bury itself into his silver hair. Closer, closer and yet not close enough. A muffled moan resounded in your chest, guttural and low like it came from an animal, not a human. Kakashi’s response came immediately: a growl deep in his throat, only to cup your face with both hands and pour a kind of desperate force into the kiss which you didn’t expect at all. You got swept away, clinging to him like your life depended on it.

Your own pants echoed way too loudly in your ears as Kakashi broke the kiss. Even with the difficult exercises before, not one sign of exhaustion had shown in his breath or posture, but now, he was just as heavily panting as you did. Your eyes were still tightly shut, out of courtesy and trust you harbored for Kakashi, and your trust was rewarded with another, way softer kiss, before the telltale sign of ruffled fabric told you it was alright to open your eyes again.

When you opened your eyes, the first thing you noticed was the cute shade of faint red painted across his visible features. The second thing you noticed was that you had still a hand buried in his hair, playing idly with some of his strands. Kakashi seemed to slightly lean into your hand, like a cat enjoying some long-forsaken ministrations. Even his eyes closed for a brief moment, only to pop back open when a giggle bubbled out of your chest.

“What?” he mumbled, while the red on his face intensified.

“Nothing.” Your hand tugged one last time at his hair before falling back to your side. “I just think you’re terribly cute sometimes.”

Finally, after weeks of suffering from his compliments. Kakashi’s tortured groan was music to your ears, especially when he leaned forward for another intimate hug, not caring you were still weakly giggling to yourself.

“That was payback, wasn’t it?” he asked and cuddled his face into the crook of your neck. His favorite place to do so, apparently.

You shrugged. “I have no idea what you mean.”

“Don’t play coy with me.”

“I’m not playing with you.”

Kakashi sighed. “You know I don’t believe you on that one, I know you don’t believe it, so this makes it a checkmate.”

“Does it though? Does it, Kakashi?”

“Please, no more mind games. Just… a second.” He sighed lowly as he relaxed in your arms. “Just a little second.”

“As stated,” you enjoyed the closeness way too much to push him away, so you also relaxed into the embrace, “I will indulge you any time you ask. No questions from my side.”

Of course, Kakashi still taught you how to suppress your chakra signature that day. Interrupted with lots of hugs and the newly awakened desire for shared kisses, that was. But even more than the actual results of the training, the kiss and intimacy born through it would stick to your brain as one of the happiest memories of your life.

Chapter Text

You had no idea how long you had exactly stayed in Konoha, or how long it took for the realization to settle in, but one morning, you had woken up; the warmth of Kakashi still wrapped around your waist, calmly breathing and his thumbs drawing lazy circles on your skin, and an epiphany dawned upon you.

His chuckle echoed in your ears as you turned onto your side and hid your face in his chest. “Morning.”

“Morning,” you mumbled. “How long were you awake for?”

“Long enough to know that you snore.”

You didn’t know why, but the childish urge to deny everything grew in your chest. “I do not.”

“Oh yes. Just the tiniest bit.”

“People also call it “breathing”, you know?”

His fingers dug the tiniest bit deeper into your skin, before Kakashi leaned in to bury his nose in your hair. “Of course, of course. Very heavy breathing.”

“You’re teasing me.”

“Maa, let me have this.” Kakashi tightened the embrace around your body. His legs shifted against yours, playfully wrenching into the little space between them. “Ahead of me lies another day of boring meetings with pompous people. To survive that, I basically need to imprint this here into my memory.”

“For a shinobi, you have an awful lot of meetings. Not as many missions as I thought.”

Strangely enough, his muscles stiffened, only for him to force himself to relax. You could feel it; all of his body pressed against you and only covered by thin fabric. “Peace reigns among the villages now. Not many missions to perform anymore.”

“Aah. Must be nice.”

“Sometimes, I dream of the old days.” He admitted quietly. His arms tightened again, dragged you closer into his chest. “I never minded the battles, the sneaking through darkness, the secrecy. But I guess, it’s always easy to follow orders without seeing the whole picture.”

“But isn’t it nice to know you’re not getting killed at any possible second?”

“A side-effect I’m not unhappy about.”

"So, still peace over war?” you jokingly asked. You didn’t expect Kakashi to go all quiet, complementing your question, before answering it in all seriousness.

“Yes, peace over war. Even though I might miss some parts of the shinobi life, my longing for battle is nothing against the peace for the coming generations. Day by day, we’re writing history here, making the world a better place.” Kakashi sighed into your hair. “I’m just a grouchy old shinobi who knows nothing else than wars. I will get over it.”

In his ironic words was a tiny bit of truth. That much you knew about Kakashi by now. Even though he might clad his words into a joking tone, the man you knew was always thinking, always analyzing. There was no way he hadn’t overthought his statement at least three times before muttering it under his breath; knowing there was truth lying underneath the underneath.

One of his favorite sayings.

Your heart ached at the wave of sheer emotion crashing into it. There was nothing holding you back as you gently pressed a kiss to his masked lips. A slight pressure, nothing more. However, when you pulled back, Kakashi chased after you, his covered lips quickly covering yours again. Covered by the blankets, hidden away from the world, sharing these innocent-delirious caresses like there was no tomorrow and tomorrow would never come.

This is true bliss, you thought in the back of your mind while a low groan of his vibrated against your mouth. This is it, and I don’t want to go anywhere.

I don’t want to go back.

Sure, you missed the forest, your old home, the hut and the coziness, the solitude. On some days, you loathed the constant noise in the background, the faraway voices and the signs of other people living close by. But these were minor inconveniences; nothing major. The Hatake compound was by now just as much ‘home’ to you as your own hut. The lively streets of Konoha no longer frightening, but exciting and always worth a stroll. You enjoyed the casual meetings of Team 7, the loud and abundant happiness of Naruto; the quiet, calm brightness of Sakura; and the dark, brooding seriousness of Sasuke. You loved the work you did in the greenhouses; loved the casual atmosphere of quiet understanding from the other workers and the results you achieved. The meetings with the younger girls, eating out and going “shopping”—which mostly consisted of them dragging you around to fill up your steadily growing wardrobe. Days were also filled with the pack, a huge hurdle of dogs lazing around in the reworked garden and enjoying the hesitant belly scratches you gave them. And Kakashi—so much more of Kakashi than you could’ve ever wished for.

Giving Team 7 a chance when they came into your forest was the best thing that had ever happened to you. Not that there had been lots of happy days and occasions to choose from, but still. You were glad you decided to trust them; trust other humans after what had happened to you. This decision gave you so much and you didn’t want to let go of anything.

Didn’t want to let go of Kakashi.

I don’t want to go back. I want to stay.

I want, I want, I want. For once, I want this for myself.

You were ripped out of your daydreams by Kakashi’s soft voice whispering into your ear, the breath brushing over your skin and birthing little shivers in its wake. “I wish I didn't have to go, but I have to get up. Very important meetings with very, very important and totally not boring council members await me.”

“You’re really not subtle in your dislike of them.”

“Trust me, you would dislike them as well if you knew them.”

“I don’t want to know them then.”

Again, Kakashi sighed. “A truly wise decision. Nevertheless, I have to stand up.”

Not a single muscle of him moved. You could feel his entire body pressed to your front, and apparently Kakashi really dreaded getting out of bed today.

“Tell you what,” you nosed his neck, the dark fabric of his mask smelling of him, “I visit you for lunch. All your meetings are at the Hokage Tower, right?”

“Yes, indeed. But you don’t have to come, if you have something to do, I completely—”

“I will survive,” you interrupted him softly, “walking through Konoha. No worries there.”

You wouldn’t tell Kakashi about your newfound realization just now. It could wait. You had all the time in the world. For now, you would just enjoy the day and revel in the plans of how to tell him that you would probably stay in Konoha forever. With him, if possible.

Another grunt echoed in your ears. Then, slowly and carefully, like he wanted nothing more than to stay, Kakashi detangled from your limbs and sat up. You watched how his back arched as he stretched, only for a hand to fall into his own hair and lazily ruffle through the mop of silver.

At the sight of the disgruntled man looking back and forth at the door, the ground and finally back to you, a little giggle passed your lips. Willingly or not, he was hilarious.

“Get up.” Your hands pushed against his ripped waist; felt the muscles shiver against your touch. “Before you whine even more about not wanting to leave.”

“You coming for lunch is the climax of my day. Believe me, if not for these meetings…”

“And for your sense of duty and responsibility, then you wouldn’t leave. Empty promises.” You teased. At the sight of Kakashi’s eyebrows wrinkling, you almost regretted your words. Almost. “Calm down, will you? The meetings will end sometime. You will come back, and I will be here. But for you to come back, you have to go first.”

Even though the worry in his eyes softened a little bit, the longing was still there when Kakashi finally got up and stumbled out of the room, not without looking over his shoulder from time to time like a dog who hoped for a bit more of the forbidden steak he had tasted. Just when he was about to leave the room, Kakashi turned one last time, eyes begging and his masked mouth surely turned into a little, childish pout.

“One more hug before I leave?”

If you didn't laugh so hard, you surely would’ve hit him with the pillow you had thrown in his direction. With a soft ‘whump’, it landed directly in front of his feet as you buried your face in the blankets, grinning widely and trying not to show too much how much his plead meant to you.

The fallen pillow was then placed behind your back, followed by a tentative hand stroking through your hair and tugging at the strands. A spiraling circle was drawn between your shoulder blades, soft and nice and caring, and you relaxed into the caress without a second thought.

“You really have to leave,” you mumbled into the blanket, “otherwise, I might just keep you here with me.”

His low grumble made you blush. “What a tempting offer. But you’re right, I should go.”

“Mhmmm.” His fingers slipped higher, kneaded the muscles of your neck. Only when you pushed back into the hand, Kakashi pulled away, which made you grumble in badly hidden protest. His amusement was clearly visible as you came up, out of your nest of comfortable cushions and glared at him with soft fondness in your heart and mind.

“I really have to go.” Nevertheless, Kakashi leaned down to press his forehead against yours, “and you’re not making it easier for me.”

“Alright, alright. Go ahead. Go, you sappy shinobi.” With a little laugh, you finally shushed him away for good,  his pitiful smile the last thing he gave you before disappearing through the door. You leaned back and used your inner radar to follow his  steps, climbing the stairs and walking around on the second level of the Hatake house, the old wood groaning under the pressure. A little smile tugged at the corners of your mouth.

Yes, this alone was worth staying. The softness, the gentle teasing, the comfort lying in the gestures and words—the laughters. You nearly would’ve compared it to the Icha-Icha-books, but it was so much better than the written paragraphs; because it was real, and it happened to you.

You were still lounging in bed and hung up on that wondrous feeling when Kakashi came back in, fully dressed in his flak vest and dark pants, bandages for his legs in his hand and gloves adorning their long fingers. Without asking him—seeing as he had done this a few times before—he sat down on the bed and bent down to wrap his calves with the bandages. A slow, excruciating process; one which was less boring when he could just sit with you and enjoy your presence.

It also helped that you could hold up the roll of bandages with your gift, all in all making it easier to complete such a mundane task. 

“What are your plans for today?” Kakashi asked while he was busy with his right leg. “Any work left in the garden?”

You shook your head. “Not really. Everything is done. The only thing left is to wait and see if the garden survives winter.”

“And after that?”

This question aimed way too close to your surprise for him already. The sly dog he was, he probably already caught onto your plans.

While the bandage was floating in the air, you tried to think of a way to skirt around that topic without revealing too much. “After that, the garden should be alright. If you have any questions regarding weeding the flower beds or the different flowers and herbs I planted, you can always go to Ino and ask her about it.”

“You won’t be here in spring?”

Kakashi froze for a mere second, and that alone told you more than the slightly dejected tone swinging in his voice when he asked for clarification. He tried to make it sound casual, tried to mask the fear of being left alone, but after a few months of living with him (Really? Months already? It has to be fall then), you knew what you had to look out for.

For a moment, you wrestled with the words you wanted to say. They were already on your tongue, waiting to be released, but instead, they stayed hidden behind your cheeks as you said: “We will see. It’s very likely.”

Kakashi nodded slowly as he went over to his left leg, refusing to look at you or into your general direction. Your heart sunk as you recalled your statement. Gods, so cold and void of every emotion. But it was too late, you couldn’t take it back. The only thing left was to cringe inwardly and watch how the man went back to his wrappings, head turned downwards and eyes not meeting yours anymore. Even the warm, playful atmosphere from before was erased, gone like a soft summer breeze.

You didn’t know what to say as Kakashi got up again. Wordlessly, you reached out with your gift and tugged at his clothes. He turned around, masked face unreadable, but then his eyes softened again when he noticed the shame radiating from you.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, but smiled, “I know I shouldn’t… It’s your decision and you have to be a hundred percent sure. Just the silly hope of a silly man, you know?”

“You’re not silly. Neither are your hopes.”

He didn’t answer that. Instead, he nodded and left the room, only to leave shortly after the house as well. The door fell close, and you sighed out loud while staring at the ceiling.

“That went well…” you mumbled. You turned onto your side, breathing in the weak afterimage of Kakashi’s scent which lingered in the fabric of the blanket and pillows. “Really, really well.”

All the way through your morning, you mulled over the conversation—which words would have been better, if your tone played a big part in saddening Kakashi or not, and what if you just had stated outright that you wanted to stay instead of making it a secret? So many ‘if’s’ and ‘what if’s’ that you didn’t know if there was even a better solution after hours of overthinking the problem at hand.

I can only hope to make it right at lunch.

Yeah. That will be for the best.

With a newfound hope in your heart, you dressed yourself into some of the newer clothes you owned by now. Something simple and easy, but also, according to Ino: "accentuating some of your benefits". Your arms were left bare by the shirt, and the pants resembled your old ones down to the very seams, though in a much better quality. Another advantage of living in Konoha. Nice clothes, fabrics and other necessities you didn’t need to manufacture yourself.

When you stepped outside of the Hatake compound, the fiery red of the rotting leaves greeted you. Red, yellow, orange, brown and spots of green, all mixed together in a wonderful crisp auburn typically for the season. You hadn’t even noticed the changing of temperature or the stronger winds building up over the last few weeks; too occupied by all the stuff happening in your life to notice.

Konoha was still lovely during fall. The streets were still buzzing with energy, all the people enjoying the strong sunlight. As you passed by a market, you noticed that the previous display of summer fruits were replaced by red-cheeked apples, heavy pumpkins and simply beautiful eggplants. Farmers were proudly presenting the fruits (and vegetables) of their labor, and they had all the right to be that proud. Usually, you would take a little walk through the stands to investigate, but not today. You had an appointment, a place to be, and you didn’t want to make Kakashi wait.

Not today.

The way to the Hokage Tower seemed unusually short and at the same time, way, way too long. Your steps melted into each other, the by-now-familiar shops flying past and when the mighty building in the middle of the town came into view, your heart seemed to want to escape. Break right out of your chest and fly up into the sky, higher and higher without any plans to ever come back.

Just because of the solution you wanted to stay. You wanted to tell Kakashi now, wanted to tell him that your words of this morning were uttered without any thought and care. Not the truth, not at all. A lie, to protect yourself like usual. So used to being used that instinctively, you already put walls up before you even knew what happened.

The guards greeted you with a single nod, which you gave right back at them before slipping through the doors. In your back, they fell close, while you turned towards the slightly overworked looking shinobi sitting at a desk, her face buried in a pile of paperwork.

“Excuse me,” you rapped your knuckles gently against the wood, “I would like to know where Kakashi Hatake currently is. I’m meeting him for lunch.”

“A lot of people want to meet him for lunch,” the woman said without looking up, “so you have to understand that there’s a list.”

“A list?”

“Yes, a list.” Only now, she looked up, eyes tired and voice dry as she scanned you from head to toe. “I need the name to see if you have personal clearance from him.”

“(Y/N).” Why would Kakashi need a list to filter out people who wanted to see him? Why were there so many people in the first place who wanted to meet him for lunch? Confusion grew in your mind at the strangeness of the entire situation. Something was going on here, and you didn’t like to be in the dark about it.

The woman with the tired eyes pulled out a list from underneath the paperwork. Then, not before throwing a glare at you, she started to silently mouth all the names on the very short list. You could pinpoint the moment when she reached your name, her eyebrows lifting the tiniest bit, before dropping the list onto her desk.

“Excuse me, it really seems like you have clearance from him.”

“It seems so, yes.”

Again, she looked you up and down, from the naked feet over your simple pants to your sleeveless shirt and your untamed hair. Light disgust appeared in her eyes as her condescending aura intensified, which made you instinctively build your defenses up against any kind of low insult she could come up with.

“What do you have that none of the other groupies have, I wonder?”

Your insides froze instantly at her words. Again, you were accounted as worthless by someone who had no idea what was going on, who you were and what you were able to do. Her eyes were almost the same as the eyes of the villagers in your past; underlined by fatigue and filled with annoyance of having to deal with you.

Your back straightened and with some kind of grim satisfaction you watched how her expression turned from condescending to something akin to nervousness, as she had realized she indeed uttered the mean words out loud.

“I know what I have that others don’t possess. But this is neither the time or place to discuss it as I’m still waiting to be informed of the whereabouts of my close friend.” Your tongue curled around the emphasis you placed into these two words, but there was no way in hell you would lay any claim of ownership on Kakashi, in front of this woman at least. What you two had still felt too fresh and raw to do that so boldly. And you didn’t even take into account the current situation, with your weird half-lie and the tense atmosphere between the two of you.

You were still glaring at the woman as she was finally shifting through her papers again, glancing sometimes up and hastily looking down whenever she met your hard eyes.

“He’s still in a meeting,” she finally admitted, “on the top floor, room B – 2. You wait here, he’s not to be disturbed!”

You gifted her another cold glare. “You gave away every ounce of friendliness and respect of your words I may have had for you by insulting me. Why do you think I would listen to you now?”

With that, you brushed past her, up the stairs before she could say anything or even attempt to hold you back. She threw some words after you, but you just pressed onward, not looking back and not caring for her pitiful screams of attention and self-righteous perception of her own importance. Quickly and relying on your memory, you found the floor. The stairs led into a hallway, the pictures of surely important shinobi hanging on the walls. A guy with long brown hair and red armor; another man who looked pretty similar to the first one, despite the whitish-grey hair and the stern expression; an older man with the knowledge of decades in his eyes; a blonde man who maybe or maybe not was related to Naruto in some way; and in the end, Tsunade.

You wandered further down the hall, one eye on the images of the Hokage, the other looking out for the room B – 2. Seeing the images of women and men who exuded such raw confidence and leadership foe their village in times of need was a strange reassurance as you continued to worry about the possible confrontation you had right in front of you.

There’s nothing to worry about. Stop being such a worrywart. Nothing to worry about, you hear me?

You shook your head. Really, you just had to clear up this stupid misunderstanding. Then why did you stomach clench around a queasy feeling?

Finally, room B – 2. You were never this happy to have found your destination. True to the woman downstairs, the door was closed and voices could be faintly heard through the wood, but nothing concrete. Just to be sure, you could try to maybe listen to them and find out if Kakashi really was in there.

Masking your chakra presence still felt foreign to you. You hadn’t exercised it properly, thus needing a few tries before you got the same muted feeling of the wondrous training session a few weeks prior. Only a few more steps to the meeting room. No one was coming down the hallway either, so you sneaked closer to maybe catch an indication of when the meeting would end. Gently, you pressed your ear against the wood and thankfully, the wood of the doors was thin enough to actually hear the single words clear enough as well as differentiate the voices.

“She’s not a part of Konoha,” a female, hoarse voice stated, “and her powers aren’t fully categorized yet.”

“She is,” Kakashi growled, “she was already accepted by the community. She’s part of the staff in the greenhouses, she has friends, she integrated herself. How much does she have to do to prove there’s nothing to fear?”

That sounded like they were talking about… you. 

The queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach intensified. Even though your first instinct was to pull away, you found yourself pressing closer and listen with bated breath what the “boring council” and Kakashi had to talk about which would also directly concern you.

Another voice joined, old and weary, but still sharp around the edges. “We’re just saying, Hatake-sama. She’s an unknown danger we can’t be sure about as long as she has no serious ties to Konoha.”

“(Y/N) is an upstanding, honest and reliable person. She would never hurt someone without a valid reason.”

“I can confirm that,” to your mild surprise, Tsunade was also present, “she isn’t hostile towards us. Her work at the greenhouses was a saving grace for our plants, and the glowing reviews I have of her work speak for themselves.”

“With her powers she can’t truly control apparently? With the powers we don’t know if we can defend ourselves from? We did our research, Hatake-sama.” The old woman sounded like she was smiling to herself and at the mere mental image, a shudder crawled down your back.

Kakashi growled. “Of course, former Root-members was picked up by you. How many are still out there under your command?”

“This,” the man joined in once more, “is none of your concern. Leave the former Root to us, you can decide about the fate of your Anbu soon enough.”

Something was hit with incredible force. Wood splintered, and Tsunade almost shouted so loud that you nearly jerked away. “What do you say, “Leave Root to you”? The only reason you two weren’t persecuted was because the situation with Danzo was conveniently resolved before anything serious could happen! This will have serious consequences for you, Koharu!”

“Hokage-sama, as the council had decided, the vanishing of Root and putting them under our own command was for the better. Besides, this isn’t about the members of Root who willingly came to us. This is about the danger Hatake-sama brought into our village.”

A chair screeched over the ground; the legs screaming as the wood was pushed abruptly backwards. “Homura-san, I said it just now and I say it again,” Kakashi’s voice was deadly silent, sharp and unyielding, “she isn’t a danger. To anyone.”

“You’re biased,” Koharu mocked, “your emotions are compromised to see farther than your own desires. The question is, can you guarantee that the hermit will never raise her hand or powers against Konoha? Or will she choose to use her unknown powers for our good?”

Tsunade’s voice was ear-shattering and piercingly loud. “You’re overstepping your boundaries by several miles here! Like all clans with a Kekkei Genkai, it’s up to the person to decide if they serve the village as shinobi or not. We’re not forcing people to become shinobi. This was never our nindo and as long as there’s only a hint of consciousness left in the Hokage, there will never be a time this unspoken law will be abolished!”

Homura’s following sentences brought the queasiness in your stomach to a new peak. “But, unlike any clan member, she has no other ties to the village apart from fragile friendship and feeble romance. She cured the plants, fine. She may be a pleasant company. But is she also willing to defend our village to her dying breath if the time ever comes?”

“Is she ready to do everything in her power to prove she wants to live here?” Koharu added. “With her gift, she could overthrow the current situation easily. Konoha could be the leading shinobi village, with the Jinchuriki and the last Uchiha again in the village. When we have her in the background, we won’t be in need of a peace treaty anymore.”

With bated breaths and a racing heart, you waited. Waited for Kakashi to speak up, defend you and the promise he made to you, to make sure nobody would use you anymore. But to your dawning horror, he didn’t speak up. No word fell from his lips, instead, Koharu continued, while Tsunade tried to interrupt several times, but was drowned out by the white noise in your ears.

“Hatake-sama, you know just as well as we do that she’s a valuable asset for the village. You had to realize that. The hermit is useful, and feeble bonds like friendship or love won’t hold her down. She needs something stronger. A seal, similar to Root would be a good choice.”

“A Four Pillar Seal would be a bit too much,” Homura added, “but a Three Pillar Seal to make sure she will obey the orders she’s given and not try to flee would be most commendable. Of course, her powers need to be untouched by the seal.”

You still desperately hoped Kakashi would protest, but his emotionless voice cut right through that hope. “What are you planning to make her do?”

“We don’t believe in telling our long-time goals easily.” Koharu sounded eager, now, that Kakashi didn’t immediately shoot her down. “But as a sign of our good will, we will allow you to see your little toy from time to time during her… indoctrination. It will be beneficial to keep her under control, knowing her savior is still with her.”

No protest. No reminder he made a promise. No wild denial to not use you. Just cold, analytical agreement. Doing the best for his village. Being a good soldier.

You heard enough. A curtain seemed to have lowered over the world as you stepped away from the door, the meeting room, the discussion about your life—A curtain made out of hazy fog; made out of confusion, denial and slow, creeping understanding.

I don’t… What does that mean?

He can’t! He couldn’t! Everything was so real!

Real? A shinobi can make everything real if they want to.

Not Kakashi. Not… He didn’t!

We hugged. We kissed. We’re… I don’t know what we are.

Was that also a play for me? To reel me in, like a fish hanging onto his fishing rod? Am I just that, an asset?

Even to Kakashi. I always was an asset. Just a useful little tool to overthrow the peace they just agreed on.

From the moment he saw through me and my gift, he must’ve had hidden plans.

No air. Breathless. You couldn’t breathe. Pain flashed through your chest, a snake laying around your ribs, constricting and choking you in every move, with every step. For so long, for so long! A few months! A few months of pretending to be attracted to you, a few months of faking blushes and hidden smiles, a few weeks of pretending to like the hugs and touches and kisses.

Gods, he didn’t even show his face to me.

I never… I never questioned it, knowing his students also don’t know what Kakashi looks like. But it should be the norm to know at least the face of his lover, right?

He asked me to close my eyes. I trusted him wholeheartedly, but he didn’t. Not one bit.

The signs were there, you just didn’t bother to really look at them. Because you trusted him. 

I trusted him!

Breathing became harder and harder as you stumbled through the streets, only half-aware where you were going and what was happening. People could look and stare like you were crazy all they wanted. They could whisper all they wanted. Your newly built world was falling apart, together with the newly built trust you decided to put into people.

People. Humans. After all, you were again lied to.

Does Team 7 know? Do they know about Kakashi’s plans or are they just as clueless as I am?

If they did, they were just as bad. If they didn’t… You had no idea if that would make your situation less terrible.

Everything was so confusing. Your head was swimming, drowning, gasping for air as you tried to stay afloat, barely breathing. Again and again, the question what the hell were you supposed to do now violently shook into your head, only to be buried underneath and avalanche of doubts and betrayed feelings.

Home. You thought. I will go home.

This is no longer 'home'.

On unsteady feet, you started to make your way back to the Hatake compound, not as happy and anxiety-filled as before, but weighed down by the reality of the situation coming down on you.

Kakashi acted all the time. He doesn’t… feel the same way. He wanted to use me, just like the villagers used me. Even worse, he would be fine with me being put under a seal and do things I definitely wouldn’t agree with. Hurting people, killing people.

He was fine with breaking his promise.

There were no tears burning in your eyes. There were no tears at all. Not right now, at least. You were still too confused by everything, the sudden revelation and the things you had to wrangle back into place. Only when you arrived at the front of the Hatake compound and your blurry vision cleared just enough to recognize the distinct members of Team 7, you managed to take in the very first deep breath since you left the Hokage Tower.

“(Y/N)! There you are!” Sakura’s excited voice echoed hollow on your ears.

Naruto eagerly jumped at you like a puppy with way too much energy, while you just tried to brush past them and get to the saving grace of the front door. “Where have you been? You know, we got a message from Kakashi-sensei saying something about lunch and he sounded pretty worried, believe it!”

It took all control in your body to not snort out loud. Pretty worried, for sure. Pretty worried his precious asset was where it was supposed to be. Bitterness tinted your brain as you stomped past the teens without a word, avoiding their eyes and looks and questions.

“(Y/N)?” This time, Sakura’s voice was a lot less cheerful and a lot more nervous. “Is everything alright?”

Sasuke mumbled something under his breath; something you were grateful for once to not be able to hear. Nevertheless, you threw a glare over your shoulder; sharp and angry like never before, the cold fury and realization burning in your chest.

Only when you had climbed to the top of the porch, you swiveled around, one hand on the railing, the other hand balled into an aching fist, trembling against your side as you stared full of disgust down on the teenagers. “Did you know?”

Naruto looked first at Sasuke, then at Sakura. “What did we know?”

But you noticed the sudden tinge of nervousness in his crystal-blue eyes. Enough to betray him, more than enough to tell you that he was lying.

“Don’t lie to me anymore!” you barked. “What are you true intentions? Why am I here, in Konoha?”

Another worried glance-exchange. To your grim surprise, Sasuke stepped forward. He raised his single hand, dark eyes burning in his pale face. “You have to understand. It was for your own good.”

“How is anything of this for my own good? How is caging me, tying me down for my own good!?”

“The villagers,” Sakura jumped in, “their request was just unreasonable! We couldn’t pull through with the request, not at least after we realized what the true circumstances were! Killing you like they asked was completely out of the question, you have to believe us!”

You paused, the storm inside of you calming for a single moment. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Sakura went as white as a sheet. She looked to Naruto and Sasuke for help, who seemed just as panicked and horrified as the girl was; eyes almost comically wide and blank horror shining out of them.

“Uhm,” she stuttered, “we-well… I mean, I thought you knew about it already, but apparently, you don’t… So… this is kind of awkward-!”

A tremble flared through the railing and the entire porch. Wood splintered, cracks appeared in the formerly smooth wood, the stairs moved on its own, rocking and bucking like a wild horse.

“Quit the stuttering!” you snarled. “Just quit it! Tell me right now, straightforwardly with what you meant with that!”

Naruto stretched out a hand. “(Y/N), calm down for a second. Please. It’s not making things easier, believe it.”

The next retort laid already on your tongue, but you barely managed to swallow it back down; heart pounding in your ears and the blood rushing through your veins. You breathed in, breathed out; control the flow of your anger. After ten deep inhales and exhales, you didn’t feel calmer at all, but at least appeared to be so.

Sharply, you nodded. “Alright. What’s the matter?”

Again, they shared a knowing glance. “We lied to you about the true subject of our mission.” Sasuke started off. The broody boy was the only one to actually look into your face while he spoke, the other two found a newly discovered interest in their feet. “We all decided it would be a bit too much to tell you. The villagers didn’t hire us to throw you into a prison. They wanted us to eliminate you.”

Can this day become even worse?

Of course not. It simply can’t.

The picture slowly put itself together. They came to your hut to kill you, but when Kakashi noticed your powers, he probably changed his opinion to fulfil the mission and took you out in a different way than the mission required. Made probably some nice money by pretending you were dead while reaping the additional benefits.

A bitter laugh rose in your throat. Your eyes were burning, but no tears fell as you threw your head back and chuckled, your entire body shaking in the desperate fit of laughter.

“You know,” you breathed out between throaty chuckles, “I always expected the worst from anyone. I was always on guard, never trusting anyone. So, isn’t it ironic that the first time I decide to trust again, I get betrayed?”

Naruto set a foot onto the first stair, expression a wild mix of worry and deep guilt. “(Y/N), we’re… we’re really sorry. It was never our intention to hurt you. Please, can we come in to talk about this and understand what is going on?”

“Don’t bother,” you spat, “I’ve had enough of this. You all are just using me again, and I should’ve known. Liars, altogether. First, Kakashi breaks his promise, then you reveal you intended to kill me when you came up to my hut. I don’t care what you have to say!”

“Please, (Y/N)! What promise?” If you weren’t convinced that all of them were filthy liars, you would’ve grown weak at the sight of Sakura’s emerald-green eyes filling with yet unshed tears. She shook her head that the pink strands flew around. “I don’t understand!”

A last disgusted glare and you straightened your back. I can do this, you thought to yourself, the urge to cry growing stronger with every second, I can be strong. “No need. I don’t have time for you or Kakashi or anyone else. All you do is lie. I should have known. All shinobis lie for a living. I have to pack my bags and leave this nest of snakes before I get sick.”

Despite their loud protests, you turned your back and slammed the door closed that the nearby windows screamed out. The force of the vibrations did little to quell your anger, this fury burning inside you. A little pause. You leaned for a few moments against the inside of the door, before pushing yourself off and stomping into your room.

One truth emerged out of this chaos of emotions and unveiled lies. You really couldn’t not leave Konoha fast enough.

This—was enough.

Chapter Text

There was no way every new article of clothing would fit into your small, worn-out backpack. A lot had to be left behind, but any missing reminder of Konoha and the fake life you lived here was better than to hurt all over again when you would unpack them. Quickly, you sifted through everything, disregarded piece after piece, only to keep the barest minimum which wouldn’t hurt too much and would fit into your limited bags; some bath articles you surely weren’t able to reproduce in the middle of the forest, some durable underwear, the pair of winter boots Ino chose for you—Not more. Everything else was your own; your own weight to carry.

You wouldn’t leave a speck of yourself behind.

With swift and sure movements, you folded and placed the clothes in your backpack. The bag filled quickly, almost too quickly. It felt like only a few minutes had passed when you looked at your bursting at the seams bag and asked yourself halfheartedly if you were really going to leave.

Of course, I will. There’s nothing holding me back any longer.

But it will hurt.

It already does. Deep down and hidden, but soon enough, the pain will grow.

Every moment spent on imaging better things was lost to misery. A last click of your tongue, then you shouldered the straps and felt the familiar weight of your bag on your back.

“Nothing like going home,” you mumbled to yourself as your steps led you outside of the guest room. One glance over your shoulder, taking in the by now painfully familiar—painfully filled with warmth—room. The little safe haven you had for as long as the illusion lasted. The bed with the soft sheets and covers, the bookshelf and all the books you read throughout the time you lived here, the little moments of tenderness you shared with Kakashi.

You already got the tears under control, but unbeknownst to you, they waited just right beneath the surface. When you recalled all these little moments, the tug at your skirt, handholding, the hugs at night and stroking through his hair, the kisses… Being held, being cared for with small gestures, being loved… All of that was a lie, and your stupid heart still believed them.

“Stupid,” you growled and wiped over your watering eyes, “stupid, stupid, stupid thing. Just get out of here.”

Maybe you would’ve said more to yourself, if not for the front door creaking open—slowly, deliberately. You knew who it was the moment the handle was pushed down, and your heart froze and accelerated at the same time.

Kakashi’s dark eyes took the situation in. In his back, the front door fell close, the rays of sunlight cutting off. Freedom was so close and yet so far, blocked by the shinobi in his green flak vest, dark pants and the bandages wrapped around his legs.

I watched how he put them on. Watched how his fingers moved to wrap the bandages around his calves, listened to him talk while he did so.

I’m going to miss this. I’m going… Yeah, I will miss these moments.

“So, it’s true.” Even his voice, formerly so tender and warm, was now distant and cold. Nothing left of the man you thought you knew. His eyes found yours, locking them together. “You’re leaving.”

Your tongue was tied. No way you could say anything. So, you nodded. Just once, a sharp nod.

Kakashi breathed in, breathed out. “Okay. After all, I said you could leave whenever you wanted.”

Again, just a curt nod.

“Alright.” Usually, you could tell what Kakashi was thinking. Right now though, his emotions were a total mystery to you, hidden behind two masks, the fabric and the invisible one. “Alright,” he repeated, “alright. Go.”

In growing disbelief, you watched how Kakashi pushed the front door open again, the sunlight filling the dark hallway once more. One step forward and you stopped, rooted into place by the burning questions on your tongue and in your mind.

“Why do you let me go this easily?” was the first one to tumble off your lips, weak, whispered, and wishfully thinking that you misunderstood something along the way, that you were making a drama out of thin air, something like that.

Kakashi’s gaze sharpened. “What?”

“Why do you let me go this easily? Am I not a valuable asset for the village?” You spat the last words out, poison on your lips by merely remembrance.

He blinked. “Asset?” he echoed in the tone of someone who never heard a particular word in his entire life. Then, he seemed to understand. “Aah. You heard us.”

“Yes, I did. You broke your promise to me.”

“It seems so.”

Anger flooded your mind, a gigantic wave taking every logical reason in its way apart. A growl vibrated in the back of your throat as you took several steps forward, stabbing him in the chest with your finger when you were close enough. “You have nothing more to say? “It seems so”? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit! You have nothing else to say to breaking your promise?”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“How doesn’t that matter now?” You swallowed the bile sitting in your throat down, acrid and so sour it made you cringe. “It matters to me. To understand why you thought it was necessary to lie to me.”

Kakashi shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

More anger swirled through your body, tightening your chest, constricting your lungs. “Why?” you asked again, “Why wouldn’t I understand?”

You wanted, needed these answers. To understand what was going on, to maybe get over it as soon as possible, to get behind what you did wrong by falling again for the tricks of humans. So you could avoid it in the future.

But Kakashi didn’t answer. He even avoided your eyes, staring right over your shoulder as he gestured vaguely towards the door, expression blank and void of any emotion.

“It doesn’t matter because you’re already set on leaving. Now go. There’s nothing holding you back.”

You didn’t know this man. Never knew him at all.

He wasn’t worth another syllable falling off your lips. You snorted in sheer disgust, turned and stormed out of the door. Nothing holding me back. That’s for sure. At least one true thing you said to me.

“Have a nice life,” he dared to throw after you when you nearly managed to step over the doorstep, out into the freedom without any manipulations and lies waiting for you.

You turned around, hackles raised and ignoring the bile rising in your throat. “Without you and your influence, it will be.”

That was everything. Everything said and done here. The only thing left to do was leave this town behind as fast as you could. Without throwing a single glance over your shoulder, you walked off. Out of the Hatake compound, out into the streets, wandering around until you were spat out into the main streets. There it was, the mighty gate which once welcomed you warmly a few months ago. At the memory of the innocent excitement and anxiety you felt at the time, your stomach clenched. Back then, you had no idea how much you would come to like this village. Back then, you were still stupid and dumb for not seeing through the deceptions of the shinobi, but now, you knew the whole picture.

Lies. All of it.

You hated yourself for falling for it. For coming out of your shell, for believing these lies, for leaving your hut for nothing, relying on nothing but the vain hope that people weren’t trying to use you all the time. And how wrong you were.

Never again. You learned your lesson for good. All people, no matter how friendly they appeared to be, no matter how open and accepting they seemed: they all had bad intentions.

A few steps after you left Konoha, you turned around and glared up to the arch of the gate. Despite all the knowledge you accumulated now, despite knowing what was really going on, the gates of Konoha were still one of the most impressive sights you have seen. 

Shaking your head at your own foolishness, you turned away and started the way back to your only home.

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Night fell over Konoha a long time ago. He hadn’t joined any other meetings that day, even though it was required of him. He hadn’t found the strength to face the elders, not after what he had to do to (Y/N). His eyes and senses were still fixated on the outside of his house, trying to pick up any faint sign of her coming back, even though he knew it was useless. Nevertheless, he still waited, the silly hope in his heart not dying despite knowing that she already left the gates of Konoha behind hours ago.

He successfully chased the only person away he ever dared to fall in love with, and it hurt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. Inch by inch, deliberately slow to relish in the pain his heart caused with every single beat.

Another wave of guilt-shame-pain crashed into him. Kakashi reached blindly for the windowsill, steadied himself and tried to breathe at the same time, when the room started to spin again. Gods, he wanted nothing more than to crawl into his bed and forget about today. Pretend it was just another bad dream, pretend like she was still living in his house, pretend like he could go anytime he wanted into her room and know he was welcomed to seek peace in her arms.

Not anymore. Not anytime. I ruined it for good.

Like never before, Kakashi had to restrain himself from being selfish. The village would always be first; he was a shinobi and the future Hokage. The village and its inhabitants always had to come first for him, it was in the job description.

Konoha had to come first. Kakashi sighed. First, first, first. Every repetition was accompanied by a bump of his forehead against the glass of the window.

“First,” he mumbled, still staring outside, “always and always first. Not me, not my own wishes and desires.”

Not my heart, his brain provided, always a helper.

A drink would certainly ease his internal suffering a bit. Kakashi also knew exactly where a bottle of high-quality sake was located (in the kitchen, on the highest board of the shelf), but he didn’t move a muscle. There wasn’t even a debate in his head if he should grab a drink or not. He knew how easy it was to slip down that particular path; had seen it happening a few too many times to his Anbu-teammates and other shinobi. In his youth, he also tried to drown his sorrows in alcohol, but knew it was not a solution.

He preferred the raw pain anyway.

There. Movement on the outside. Automatically, Kakashi straightened, but then he caught the way too hasty steps and the sounds of his young team, and his posture crumbled again in itself.

“Kakashi-sensei?”

“Kakashi-sensei! What is going on?”

“Kakashi-sensei, open up!”

The shouting was—of course—accompanied by more shouts and more demands to open up. Foremost Naruto and Sakura, but also Sasuke’s slightly worried chakra signature Kakashi was able to feel. For a few moments, he considered simply not opening the door, continuing to stare out of the window like a dog waiting for its owner, but then the slightest tinge of a headache sparked up. Again, Kakashi sighed with the weariness of a long, exhausting day, before walking over to the front door and opening it.

There was no use in trying to avoid facing the music from his students.

Kakashi couldn’t even fully open the front door before Naruto barged in, quickly followed by both Sasuke and Sakura. All of them wore more or less concerned expressions, barraging him with questions as soon as they managed to force their way into the hallway.

“We’re so sorry Kakashi-sensei! I thought she already knew about the real purpose of the mission, so I didn’t think it would be that much of a—!”

“Is she gone? Is she really gone?”

“What happened? Was it really just because of that?”

“She looked already angry when we came up to her, believe it! Did something happen between the two of you?”

He also didn’t have the strength to face his students right now. Not when he was still grieving over the possibility of a life with someone else. One possibility he fucked up. For her sake.

“She’s gone,” at his heavy words, the team finally fell silent, “went home. There’s nothing else to say.”

“But why?” Naruto tried to but in, voice like always loud and booming, but like never before straining Kakashi’s nerves. “Why did she leave? Did you two have a fight? Is that why she went off on us like that, believe it?”

“Does it matter?” His hands flew upwards, rubbing with the raised joints of his thumbs over his slightly watering eyelids. “She’s gone. Went home. Nothing else.”

“What are you saying, ‘nothing else’?” Sakura literally screeched out. “(Y/N)-san is obviously important to you, Kakashi-sensei! What is going on here?”

“Nothing.”

“But this isn’t normal! She nearly destroyed the railing of your porch! Something must’ve unsettled her, otherwise—!”

“It doesn’t matter.” All misfits flinched at his harsh tone. Immediately, Kakashi regretted his emotional response to their constant questioning, but it was late and he was tired, drained, exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep. Sleep and dream of this morning, yesterday, any other day before today—before this afternoon. 

When his world was still whole.

“Sorry,” he shook his head, “it wasn’t… It was a long day.”

“It’s all good!” Nevertheless, Naruto was his usual high-energy self, bouncing around like he had too much sugar. “We can still catch up to her! If we hurry and go through the trees, then we might—!”

“Let it be.”

Again, the misfits fell silent, this time out of shock and surprise.

Sakura’s eyes were wide when she stepped forward, closing the distance between herself and Kakashi like she tried to corner a nervous animal. “But Kakashi-sensei, are you sure? We all know what she… What she means to you. And we like her as well. Is there no chance you can reconcile…?”

And again, Kakashi shook his head with the finality of someone who signed his own death warrant. “No. There’s no chance she will listen to me after what I did. It’s for the better to let her go and allow her to be free from my presence.”

Of course, the three brats tried to barrage him with questions at his mysterious statement, but the shinobi only closed off his ears and mind while trying to ignore the louder and louder echoing, depressing thoughts rummaging through his mind.

Goodbye, (Y/N). I hope in your hut, you will find happiness.

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Even before you set a single step onto the clearing, you knew something was entirely different. The scent of smoke permeated the air like a blanket, pressing onto your eyes, nose and filling your mouth with every breath you drew in. You tried to be prepared for the sight which would without a doubt greet you, but there was no way to prepare for the field of cruel destruction you saw when you finally set your feet onto the familiar meadow—when you finally returned.

But—

Your hut was no more. Burned to the ground, small curls of smoke still rising from the ash-colored wood, the fence of your garden kicked over and broken into pieces, the innocent plants ripped out of the earth and plucked apart.

“I truly underestimated,” you mumbled to yourself, the words getting lost in the crisp, late fall-air, “how much you hate me, didn’t I?”

You tried to wrap your head around what your eyes saw. For a whole month of travelling back where you felt safe, you wanted nothing more than to come back to your familiar hut. The bed you spent weeks on making, the kitchen you loved, the garden, the familiar scents and views when you looked out of the windows. Only to find everything gone.

Gone with the wind, burned down and blown away.

Carefully, you inched closer. Your feet ruffled through dead and burned grass, small clouds of ash tarnishing the air with your every step. You couldn’t believe the destruction right in front of your eyes. You simply couldn’t.

Everything you built up over the years, everything you sweated and bled and suffered for. All of it was gone; in the matter of a day, maybe a day and a night.

From your hut, only the outer walls were left. The roof collapsed in itself, too weak to withstand the roaring of the flames or the hate of an entire rural village filled with superstitious farmers. Still trying to fathom what you were seeing, you stepped closer. Sharp pain flashed through your feet.

Shards of the self-made pots were strewn around the hut. You raised your right foot and pulled the long shard of brown, sharp clay out of your sole, numbly aware that blood was spilling fast over said sole, skin and toes.

They went inside. Went inside, plucked everything apart, destroyed all the pots and balms and lotions. More work destroyed; the work of a few weeks and months.

They didn’t leave me anything.

The tea pot you left behind, bought with a few hours of pulling a cart with your gift. You found it in shambles; trampled on and ripped apart, like an insect that suffered under the feet of an especially cruel child. All of the shelves pulled down, more shards of more pots flung onto the hard stone you carried all the way from the mountain back here. Ash and fire burned patterns into the stone; burned the hate forever into the ground. 

Even the new door had cracked under the force of an entire village. From your point of view, you could see that they even found the small basement. The trap door was pulled open, small nests of fire still burning down there where books and conserved food once were.

Tears blurred your vision but you wiped them away. However, new tears followed quickly, burned in your eyes like the fire burned the wood of your home.

Maybe the worst part was the garden. The living plants which also helped the village to some extent, the neat rows of years of cultivation and care you gave to them—trampled on, pulled and plucked apart with the same childish cruelty given to the rest of your house. It felt like a dream as you walked around the former walls of your hut, a hazy curtain hanging over your vision as you made your way over to the fence.

Former fence. Easily, you could step over the broken planks of the wood and firevines (how ironic, your mind whispered, how ironic is that?) and walked directly into the heart of the destruction. You kneeled down between the once carefully mapped out garden, the earth still unnaturally warm beneath your soles. One hand of earth was everything it took to know that the villagers made sure that this place would never again host a hermit. Salt, mixed with the once so healthy dirt. They went so far as to salt the earth before burning everything down.

Nothing would grow here in the next decades. Animals would keep away from the clearing for years to come, nature would struggle to regenerate itself here. Just because of the zealous, superstitious bunch, stupid to the bones and rotten to their very core.

You sat back onto your heels, breathing and trying to hold back your tears. Your home—the only home you ever knew—lost, destroyed. During the month you needed to get back, you looked forward to sleeping in your bed again, seeing the same secure sight in front of your window, the same forest, the same old life, undisturbed by anyone who would come to the clearing and spot your house. But even that was gone.

The villagers did a good job in destroying everything you loved.

What now?

What am I supposed to do now? I have no other place to go to.

My home… All I have left is the bag I have with me.

My life, reduced to nothing more than a few pieces of clothing and toilet articles.

A fit of dry laughter laid on your tongue; begged to be let out. Laughter at the situation, laughter at the position you were in. Not being able to move back—or forward. All of the bridges were burnt. A return to Konoha was impossible and living in the village nearby bordered to suicidal.

What now?

Your survival instincts kicked in, learned by years of living alone in the wilderness. I need shelter. Rain is coming soon.

My cave, my very first home. They can’t know about the cave, it’s too far away.

Slowly, you managed to get onto your feet. Blood was still oozing out of the wound in your right foot, leaving bloody footprints in the ashy snow on the ground. Your head swirled around yourself, your mind turning and turning and turning without a break.

What would you do now?

What would tomorrow look like?

Were you going to be okay?

You breathed in through your nose, steadied yourself. Then, after another long second, you stumbled towards the ruin you once called ‘home’. There had to be something left you could use. There had to be.

It didn’t take you long to indeed find a slightly singed bandage, burrowed underneath debris and rubble, forgotten by the village and forsaken by the fire. There were neither time nor material to make a soothing balm on the spot, so the mere white cloth had to do the job. With shaky hands, you wrapped your still bleeding foot up, your blurry vision entirely focused on the bandage. Nothing else.

If I look at my home, I will cry.

You finished the wrap with a neat little bow. Slowly breathing, you stared at the wrapped-up foot; tried to find some kind of peace again. Though, your nose was still filled with the scent of ash and burned wood, the feeling of your heart thundering in your ears and the sound of absolute nothingness roaring over the clearing. No birdsong, no distant whispers of the leaves. Nothing.

“The forest is only dead,” you whispered, “when you can’t even hear the trees anymore.”

Your voice echoed in the strangest manner of the meadow. Like there should be something but wasn’t there anymore. The trees were truly silent and in this very moment, you realized you couldn’t live here any longer. Not even if you would repair all the damage the villagers had done to this piece of land, not even if you would magically cleanse the earth and start anew. Your memories of this place were tarnished. Dirtied by the hands of the villagers who came here to destroy and burn down, dirtied by Team 7 and their interference in your life, dirtied by your own innocence and naivety.

There was no going back. No living here on this clearing. Still holding the tears back, you got to your feet, threw a last glance at your entire former life, before turning your back and stumbling towards the last resort you had left.

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Kakashi always knew being the Hokage would be a pain in the ass. That’s why he was so hesitant in picking up the mantle meant for people greater than him. He didn’t want to lead Konoha, didn’t want to be responsible for sending his comrades into their more-than-possible doom, but since the war and the following peace treaties between the villages, that chance grew significantly smaller.

Thank the gods. One less thing to worry about.

Still, when he finally sat after a long day packed with the inauguration ceremony and the following speech he had to bring to the people of Konoha, the thankfully short meeting with the Fire Lord congratulating him and another meeting with the dreaded council, he just wanted to rest his eyes for a bit.

Unfortunately, the paperwork wasn’t waiting for him to settle down. Leftover decisions to make which Tsunade pushed upon him by stepping down, some small disputes within the population of Konoha, the issue with Homura and Koharu still running around freely and scheming their evil little plans.

When Kakashi thought about the scheming elders, his mind automatically wandered back to the terrible day where everything went wrong. A month had already passed, but his whole body still ached in the memory of what he had to do to keep (Y/N) safe.

A month, huh? She should soon arrive at her hut. Return to being the hermit she was.

For a few more seconds, Kakashi stared with burning eyes onto page 34 of a 112-page strong report about the quarterly agriculture reports, only to make a decision. He marked the page by creating a dog-ear in the top right corner and shuffled the papers together into a slightly unruly heap. Night had fallen over Konoha a few… hours? Minutes? Seconds ago? Measured at his slightly stiff body and the aching knee he had during an injury he sustained in his time in the Anbu corps, Kakashi would tend to lean towards actual hours he spent already behind this desk and reading through boring reports.

He stood up, turned and stretched his old bones. Joints popped loudly in the silence; satisfying cracks and releasing some of the tension in his body. For a moment, Kakashi just stood there, felt the weight of the white mantle on his shoulders and surrounding him at the same time like a comfy blanket, before he turned around to face the window. One thing he had to give to the office: the view over Konoha was magnificent and could only be topped by climbing onto the heads of the stone Hokage, eternally watching over the village.

My face is going to be up there in a few months.

And again, Kakashi’s traitorous thoughts returned to (Y/N). Her accusation that he didn’t trust her, the hatred and betrayal in her eyes as she brushed past him, the bag on her back and her naked feet not making a single sound while she padded over the wooden floor of his home. Leaving him behind.

I let her go. Set her free. It was better.

Better than the many sleepless nights I go through over the last month? Better than the pain and heartache I go through?

Sacrifices need to be made. And as a Hokage and shinobi, I’m always ready to make the biggest sacrifices of them all.

I hurt her. I could’ve explained it to her, could’ve told her what was going on and what Tsunade and I planned.

All of that just because of the council.

That arguing had been going on through his head for the last month as well. And the shame wasn’t lessening, not one bit. The only good reason Kakashi could repeat to himself over and over to justify his actions was the fact that (Y/N) was safe and sound wherever she was, and probably way happier than she could be with him.

Far away from the council who tried to tie her down. Far away from him, the emotionally damaged, unable-to-communicate shinobi that he was.

Deep down though, Kakashi knew it was also a lie to make the guilt on his mind weigh less. He sighed, while pressing his forehead against the cool glass of the window and looking down on the many lights shining out of homes housing happy families, couples and people. Unfortunately, he wasn’t one of these anymore.

Nothing to be done about it. He burned all the bridges to his personal salvation to the ground, shoved the only person he dared to fall in love in away, only to now suffer from the consequences. He deserved the pain, deserved the sleepless nights, deserved the illusions of seeing (Y/N) all around Konoha, only to be disappointed to see someone else. He deserved to be alone, was fated to be, and being left again was just the last drop pushing him over the edge.

Never again. Kakashi felt how a telltale wetness slid down his face and was soaked up by his mask, but he didn’t care. Never again he would allow himself to open up to someone else. It hurt too much to be worth the minimal chance of being happy.

I hope that you made it home safely. I hope you’re happy now. I really, really hope it was worth getting you out of the village and that Tsunade’s plan works.

Because if it doesn’t… Then your pain and mine will be for nothing.

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The rain fell in thick stripes from heaven. Sitting in the mouth of the cave and watching the storm hailing onto the rest of the world felt like you were the only person alive. No one but yourself to listen to your thoughts. About the years you spent degrading yourself for the villagers. About the fact you almost immediately dropped your defenses when the first group of friendly people came around and seemed genuinely interested in you. About packing your bags and following them even if you didn’t know them that well. About the fact you fell for the first man who showed the tiniest bit of interest in you.

Was it because I lived alone for such a long time? Do I crave for attention so much? Was I that oblivious to my own needs?

Maybe it’s true that humans are after all social creatures.

Wood fairies and dryads weren’t social. Not at all, that much you could remember from your mother. The fact she allowed your father and yourself to stay for so long on her clearing was a miracle in itself. Once in a decade, the dryads would maybe meet up, and only if it was really necessary.

For years, you had been fine living in solitude. Day in, day out, just trees and nature and silence. But after living in Konoha, experiencing the noise and buzz of a lively town, the freely given friendliness of strangers…

You dragged your legs closer to yourself. It would be hard to go back to the loneliness of the forest.

There was no way though you would get any friendliness in the proximity of the village. Not with what they had done to your home. A sigh dropped from your mouth, and automatically you reached over for a scratchy, once flea-befallen blanket you should’ve burned when one of the villagers handed it to you with a malicious smile. It took you weeks to get the fleas out of the fabric and more weeks to find a way to get rid of the fleas on yourself.

That should’ve been an indicator to run far, far away and never come back.

Why did I even stay? Why did I stay, even though they clearly didn’t want me in their proximity?

Why didn’t I just pack my things and leave years ago?

Another gush of wind hit your skin, bringing a few cold raindrops with it. They hit your legs, sucking a little bit more heat out of your body. You didn’t react at the sensation. Instead, you continued to stare blankly ahead at the storm raging outside, while the storm inside of you only gained force and speed.

What kept me here? Why did I continue to help them when everything I ever received were hatred and rejection?

An epiphany dawned upon you. An epiphany which had slept deep inside your soul for some time, waking up little by little whenever Konoha and its inhabitants gave something to you.

I don’t deserve this treatment. They don’t deserve me.

What happened back in the day was a tragic accident, called forth by superstition, cruel behavior and relentless arrogance.

They don’t deserve me and my help, my skills, my presence, my knowledge. They don’t deserve one bit of me and still they take, take, take with their greedy hands.

Take your house. Take your home. Take the little bit of security you had by putting out a request to shinobi to kill you, after years and years of strained coexistence.

Parasites. They are parasites and I’m the defenseless host.

“I have nothing left.”

The words echoed in the small cave behind you, while getting lost in the howls of the storm outside. And speaking them out loud made them even more real. It was true. There was nothing left you could be attached to. No family, no friends, no house to go back to.

Instead of dread threading through your body, it seemed like a weight was lifted off your chest.  Your head dipped backwards as you closed your eyes, the first tear burning in the corner of your vision.

I’m free to go. To leave everything I know behind.

Maybe that had been the problem all these years ago. Freshly exiled by the only place you knew for your short life, unable to go back to the meadow of your mother, young and traumatized by the sudden, brutal death you caused, you didn’t want to let of the only connection you had left, no matter how flimsy and idiotic it seemed. The bond to the village you grew up in, the presence of familiar people even when they hated you, the familiarity of the forest and the ease of staying close.

I stayed because I was scared. I stayed because there was the child still inside of me which wanted to belong, to feel welcomed and accepted. Though, that part of me is gone now.

Kakashi killed it.

You snorted at your own thoughts. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic.”

Nothing was holding you back any longer. You could go wherever you wanted, free to do whatever you pleased. Every connection was cut, every bridge burned (quite literally), all your worldly possessions were behind you in your small backpack and tied up in a small bundle which you scraped together with the small things you were able to salvage from your burned down home.

I can grab my bag and go.

With every passing minute you sat there in the splash of the rain, the idea grew bigger. Bigger and more colorful, louder and louder until you nearly choked at the mere image. After what the villagers did, you didn’t have the strength to keep up the stoic resilience you managed to build up over the years to their shit. After what Kakashi and Team 7 did, you also didn’t have the will to stay in the same place where they already found you once before. Too many memories were tied to this place, too many changes happened in a short time to simply disregard them with a single blink of an eye.

Going away was the best and easiest solution. Going away was easier than staying.

And still. While you continued to stare at the rain drenching the world outside of your little cave, the tears which dwelled in your soul since the moment of Kakashi’s betrayal finally fell. They fell—fell, fell, fell; burned in your eyes and rolled down your face, and yet, you didn’t cry out. Silent. Motionless. You sat in the entrance of the cave, the rain falling onto your legs while your tears were being soaked up by your shirt.

Why? Why me?

Why is this always happening to me?

The sky gave no answer.

Chapter Text

Leaving was indeed simple. As simple as grabbing your already packed bags and turning your back on the cave. By now, you were used to the travelling, the walking, the loneliness. Vaguely, you orientated yourself north (the opposite direction of Konoha) and started to walk back into the woods. Silent, undisturbed, alone. 

Finally.

You welcomed the silence with open arms and at the same time, disliked the loneliness with your thoughts for days without an end. After a while though, it became easier to push unwanted ‘what-if’s’ about Kakashi and Team 7 and Konoha away. And again, after another while, you didn’t think constantly about these things anymore—just continued your way through the forest. Listening to the birds who sang their songs, refining your senses to watch the animals around you and finding a way through the underbrush; these activities became your daily life.

Until the first wave of rime hit the woods.

Winter would be harsh on your own, without a home to hurdle yourself into. You had no idea where you were at this point, but also realized that you probably had to seek the presence of other people if you wanted to survive the incoming winter. After a short internal debate, you decided to continue your way north, but slowly searching for manmade trails and streets. Also, after another intense dilemma, you pulled on the winter boots you brought in Konoha and a coat you carried all the way from your hut to Konoha and back into the forest. Such a long time ago and the boots still felt like a second skin. No matter for how long you would walk, you didn’t even notice them. A sign of their quality.

You continued your aimless travel up north, while fall slowly changed into winter. The leaves fell and plastered your way, the beautiful red hues changing into lifeless brown, and with every day, the temperatures seemed to drop further. Night had become uncomfortable outside and you were already close to search for a spot to build a temporary shelter to stay the winter there, but then you hit the road. A real, manmade road.

Obviously, you chose to stay on the road. Travelling would be much easier now. A road meant other people, yes, but also inns and towns where you could maybe stay for one or two days before picking up your travels again. For a few more days, you didn’t meet any people, just walked along that old road with chilling nature your only companion. When the weather grew harsher and the longer you walked, the forest started to regress. Lesser trees and underbrush at the side of the road, but more open fields and one or two huts in the distance. It was almost refreshing to realize you left the forest behind, breathing the fresh air and seeing the grey winter sky above you without any interference.

You continued your journey, further north, further away from Konoha and the life you thought you could have.

When snow fell for the first time and plastered the road, you met the first human since you left Konoha. For you, it was a tense moment as you first heard the sound of hooves in your back, then the telltale crunch of wheels in snow, only for a friendly, booming, eerily cheery voice to echo through the air.

“On your left! Watch out!”

Nothing more than that. Nevertheless, you tensed up, stopped and swiveled around to watch with wide eyes how the cart rolled past you. One of the higher ones, one you could sleep in if needed, wheels creaking and some bells jingling at the side. A round, older guy was sitting in front, holding the leashes for the old, sturdy horse. His voice fitted him well, just as much as the thick mustache adorned with little snowflakes sitting right on top of his upper lip. He tipped his hat to you as he rolled past, mirth sparkling in his eyes as he took your rugged, worn-down appearance into consideration. God, you must’ve looked like a thief, or something even worse than that. Your eyes met and you quickly lowered your head to stare at the snowy ground.

Please, you pleaded silently, please, just pass by. Please, I beg you.

To your horror, you heard how the man clicked his tongue. Not in disgust at your appearance, but as an order for his horse. Indeed, the cart slowed down until it fully stopped, every snort and stomp of the horse as loud as rolling thunder in your ears.

Still with your eyes casted downwards, you listened to the sounds and tried to predict what he was going to do. Just talk? Would he jump down from the cart; try to come closer? Would he try to attack you?

But no, he stayed on top of his cart, mustering you up and down. Then, the first dreaded words came. “What are you doing here all alone? The road is not friendly to the ones who travel alone.”

“I’m used to it.”

“Are you sure? The next town is still a few hours ahead, and that is by cart.”

“I will make it.”

“If you don’t mind,” your muscles went even stiffer at his concerned tone, “I could offer you a place on my cart? My wife is in the back, we’re just driving back home and a snowstorm is coming.”

Your mouth was already open to decline his offer. Like hell you would hop onto this wagon and accept any help, like the last months of lies and deception haven’t taught you anything. You favored dying in the surely incoming snowstorm than getting fooled ever again. But then, the more rational and less dramatic part of your brain, calmed down by the weeks spent in silence and reflection spoke up.

It’s not like he will eat you. If he tries to do anything, you can defend yourself.

With wha—! Oh.

Yes. Oh. Your gift. Your radar. Don’t be afraid. Be strong, be sure, be confident.

The world wins if you hide again from her.

Quickly, you checked the colors of his aura. Yes, the man was honest and concerned, visible in the swirls of green-blue centering around his chest area. Also, inside the cart really was just one person, the colors of slight worry and amused confusion swirling around. Nothing spoke of lies or possible harm, but nevertheless, you were cautious as you slowly nodded.

The man broke into a wide grin, his mustache raising with the motion. “Wonderful, just wonderful! To be honest, my old bones tell me that the storm will be a nasty one, and I’m a bit worried about getting to the next town in time. Wouldn’t want you freezing your toes off.”

He jumped down from his seat on the cart and weaseled over. Before you could react, the much smaller man took your hand and shook it, the wide grin reminding you so much of Gai back in Konoha that the thought hurt. “My name is Takawa Hiroshi, pleased to meet you. And with whom do I have the pleasure to speak?”

At his sudden change of tone, you blinked. “(Y/N). Only (Y/N).”

“A good name, a really good name. Now, come in, I think there’s still some leftover stew from this morning left, if Moriko didn’t eat them. Sometimes, the wait in the cart can be a bit boring and her wool is nearly drained as well, so she can’t do much else. From reading inside, she gets sick easily, you know?”

You nodded again, wordless and a tiny overthrown by his enthusiasm. After being on the road for so long, only used to the sound of your own footsteps and the occasional birdsong that you completely forgot how loud people tended to talk. Like they expected to not be heard, even though you had two completely functioning ears still directly attached to your head.

The snow continued to fall silently as you followed Hiroshi to the back end of the cart. The older man was still chatting without a break in between his sentences. He would probably the happiest person you ever met, but still, Gai secured that spot by a mile.

Gai. Konoha. Kakashi.

Not a good way to go. Not now.

The door of the cart opened with another unholy creak. An older woman peeked out, her long, formerly black hair streaked with silver tresses bound to a loose bun curling at the back of her neck. Her friendly face was already creased by wrinkles of age, crow’s feet and a knowing smile tugging at her mouth as she spotted her husband, before her eyes wandered further over his shoulder and set on you.

“My, oh my,” her rough voice told about a lifetime of loud talking and reminded you strangely enough of a grater, “only you are able to pick up the single most rough-looking, worn-down person in the midst of the brewing of a snowstorm. My dear child, did this old fool bother you?”

Your instincts were screaming at you to say yes, but a single, definite “No,” tumbled off your tongue.

Moriko’s smile deepened. “Aaah, a quiet one, aren’t we? Good, I already have my hands full with my dear husband here.”

Hiroshi feigned pain with an overly dramatic clutch to his chest, in a movement which reminded you painfully of someone else you left behind in Konoha, and thinking about him hurt even more than thinking about Gai. “You’re doing it again, bird.”

Her unimpressed look made him laugh from deep within his chest. “Rest assured, love. Now, get in here. The coldness and sharp winds are bad for my joints. And no,” another soft-sharp look to Hiroshi, who barked out another laugh, “I haven’t eaten the stew yet. I was close, but I didn’t.”

“I know, love of my life, starlight in my eyes, I know. You know me, I’m just kidding.”

“I hope so for you.” But the playful, teasing glare Moriko gifted Hiroshi told another language. “Now, get our guest into the cart, all the warmth is escaping. And I can make you some tea!”

“Aaah, tea. With a bit of a kick, I hope?”

“Your hopes are not in vain.”

Hiroshi chuckled so loudly his mustache trembled like it was alive. “You care so much about me. Thank you.”

Moriko’s mouth lifted for a small, genuine smile. “You’re welcome. Now, come in, come in!”

Her small hands gestured towards you, into the dim darkness of the cart and back to you. For a short moment, you asked yourself if it was really safe to climb into that cart, to unknown people, to strangers, with strange intentions and even stranger, weirder thoughts.

However, you decided it was worth the risk. Hiroshi was right; a snowstorm was coming, a huge one on top of that, and dying wasn’t really on your horizon currently. No, you wanted to live. In the case of an emergency, you just had to resort to using your… gift.

You really hoped they didn’t have any ill intentions.

With a last ounce of respect for the unknown, you climbed into the cart. It was indeed warm on the inside, definitely protected from the icy breeze and the incoming snow. A few candles were burning, thick stumps and lanterns dispersed all over the different surfaces to throw some light into the shadows. Unsurprisingly, the air smelled of the mentioned stew, boiled meat and vegetables coming together in a heavy, delicious broth.

Moriko watched you how you took in the surroundings, the hood of your coat still pulled into your face and bag on your shoulders. “You’re looking like you want to run away at any moment. Something the matter?”

“No. I’m just used to outdoors.” A last glance around, then you pulled the hood down. You must look terrible, all sweaty and grimy from walking for so long without a break to wash yourself for longer than a few seconds. The only thing you wanted was to get away as fast as possible from Konoha.

“Where are we currently?” you asked.

“You don’t know?”

“No, not really. I just… walked.”

“Well, we’re just right past the border to the Land of Iron. Just a few more hours and we should see the Three Wolves Mountain, which lays pretty much in the middle of our country.”

“How far is it from Konoha?”

If possible, Moriko’s eyebrows wandered even higher. “Konoha? Like in, Konohagakure? A few weeks of travel, at least. You’re also walking into the opposite direction.”

A bitter laugh dropped from your lips. “No. I’m right where I want to be.”

The older woman continued to inspect you like you were just a very interesting display of human emotion, but then, understanding dawned in her eyes. “Aah. You left your life behind. Fair enough. The gods know I wanted to do the same for so many times.” She nodded towards the door, still slightly open and showing Hiroshi rubbing his hands together. “But he stopped me. Would always say he would come with me. Stopped me every time.” She shook her head, more strands flying out of her loose bun, curling around her wrinkly face like hanging moss would curl over the surface of a rock. “Too stubborn for his own good.”

“Mhm.” You didn’t want to hear that. You didn’t want to hear about her happy marriage, her happy life, her happy shared memories with her loving husband who jumped onto the seat in front of the cart again, measured at the shake going through the wooden frame. It reminded you of the little secret dreams you harbored for your own life, your own future, your own partner; the first dreams and hopes you ever had in that regard.

The bag slid from your shoulders and dropped onto the ground. Another look around, before you leaned against the side of the cart, hesitant to get closer to Moriko in the slightest. She seemed to sense your hesitance; her still awake, bright eyes twinkling in interest as the cart started to roll again with a mighty jerk. You stayed on your feet, just barely though, while pretending not to notice the intense look in the old woman’s face.

“What’s your name, my dear? My husband probably asked, but my ears don’t work as well as they did in my youth…”

“(Y/N).” Your mouth clamped shut, when your tongue already wanted to move further, tell more and say more. No more trust, you had to remind yourself, they are only convenient. A transport to the next village through the snowstorm. I will use them. They won’t even get a chance to use me.

Just like Hiroshi, Moriko’s face wrinkled even more in a friendly smile. “A beautiful, strong name. Now say, (Y/N), what makes you walk all alone through the wilderness, days away from any civilization?”

“Nothing which would concern you.” The rude tone came easily to you. After all, you had practiced it whenever there was someone coming to your hut and demanded something unreasonable from you (and you did it anyway, a mean little voice whispered).

Unlike anyone else so far, Moriko wasn’t one bit fazed by your rudeness. Her smile didn’t waver, not even her eyes flickered as she continued to stare at you with a serene, peaceful expression. Above petty things like rudeness and clearly above the inconvenience of your rejection. “Very well. The reason indeed doesn’t concern me. Though, I was merely worried about what could possibly force a young woman such as yourself out into the harsh weather, especially onto the long way “away”, she actually raised her hands to draw quotation marks into the air, “from Konoha. Do you still want that stew?”

You blinked at the harsh chance of topic. “I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

Moriko nodded, her movements slow and graceful as she gripped the ladle once more and reached for a bowl. The stew sloshed around as she threw another look into your direction, while you watched if she did anything to the stew. Add another little ingredient, some kind of poison or drug. You would notice.

“Here.” Her hands held out the bowl, and you took it into your icy hands. Already the warmth of the stew seeped into your weary bones, and automatically, you sighed silently into the broth.

Blessed warm stew. It smelled delicious, so you took a deep inhale, allowing the scent to fill your nose and lungs. You were so hungry. No time to wait, you just raised the bowl to your lips and took a little sip. The stew was indeed tasty, the broth rich and heavy. Perfect for a winter’s day to regain energy and fill your stomach. Before you realized it, you inhaled the stew and sat in front of an empty bowl, merely the bites of vegetables and meat swimming in the pitiful rest of the broth at the very bottom.

Moriko whistled. “You didn’t even realize how hungry you were, huh? Here, take another filling.”

She already had the ladle in hand, ready to fill the bowl and make sure you would eat up. Well, nothing seemed to be wrong with the stew. No funny aftertaste, no layer coating your tongue, nothing.

So, maybe they used some drug which isn’t detectable by taste or scent alone.

While you shoveled more food into your mouth, this time just a tad bit slower, you watched how Moriko carefully got up from her seat. With her small frame and the slightly shaking cart, you asked yourself if it wasn’t dangerous for her to walk around, but the motions of the cart weren’t that strong at the moment. The old woman used the opportunity to prepare the tea for Hiroshi, using some halfway melted snow to fill a metallic can with it. Then, she walked over to a strange cabinet, fumbled for a few moments with a pair of matches, only for a small flame to flicker upwards. A small stove, you realized, made for travel and hopefully safe enough to let it burn for some time inside the cart.

Moriko glanced over her shoulder, like she felt your intent stare. “A little curiosity we built into this cart before we started our journey. We knew the snow would come early this year, so we opted to be able to make warm food even inside the cart.”

“Aah.” You continued to look around, munching on the stew and assessing what could be a threat for you and what not. The exit of the cart was not that far away, so you could potentially jump out any time you wanted or needed. On the opposite end were two small cots situated, separated by a small walkway towards a little door, leading towards the front of the cart where Hiroshi had to be seated. Just the size of a book, nothing more, but also extremely useful. More details jumped into your vision. A few books sticking out under one of the pillows on the cot, knitting needles and a small ball of wool on the other. A pipe close to the stove, three different kinds of tea leaves neatly stacked in small glass containers, a few pictures scattered across the area, always a happily smiling couple. A sword hanging close to the bed with the books. A simple katana in a simple, plain sheath.

You didn’t know what to make of these things. Didn’t know if that meant the old couple could be a mortal danger to you or if they were really harmless.

They could be unintentionally harmful to me. They couldn’t mean to pose any danger to me and harm me nevertheless.

I have to be on guard. They’re just tools for me to get to the next town. Then I’m gone.

The water started to boil. You could hear the faint blubbering in the dense silence inside the four walls easily. Moriko whistled and reached for one of the containers for tea leaves, measuring them carefully with an especially designed spoon, before dropping water and tea into a massive cup. A little shot of something strongly smelling alcoholic, and the old woman carried the cup over to the window leading towards the front of the carriage.

“Aah, the light of my life!” Hiroshi’s booming voice still sounded way too friendly to be completely true. “There is my promised tea to keep me warm in this harsh weather!”

“Quit being so dramatic. Do you need some blankets out there?”

“Not yet. Maybe later, when the snow starts to come down. I will knock.”

“Mhm. A snowstorm… Do you remember our first snowstorm?”

“The hut in the mountains? The romantic fireplace? Honey, of course I remember! If I should ever forget, you’re allowed to kill me right then and there.”

You listened to their banter and wondered if the emotions you felt in this very moment were the same others would’ve felt when you bantered with him. A mix of sickening embarrassment, slight shame and burning jealousy. Had it been the same for others around you, back in Konoha? Had they also watched how you and him would joke and tease each other and felt the very same emotions you were feeling?

Probably.

With a low sigh, you pushed the still half-full bowl away from you. “Thank you for the meal.”

“Oh dear.” Moriko spotted the leftovers and a worried glance was sent your way. She looked like she wanted to ask if you were really full, but then controlled herself. Instead, she took the bowl into her wrinkled yet lithe hands and carried it over to the rest of the stew, where also a bucket with other leftovers stood.

You thought she would’ve gotten the hint when you sunk slowly to the floor and leaned against the wall, right beside the saving exit, and closed your eyes, but apparently, you needed to spell even your tiredness and exhaustion out for her.

“What are your plans after you hop off? Are you just wandering until your feet can’t carry you any further?”

“Yes,” you said simply; and you weren’t even kidding. You had no aim, no goal you could look forward to. The only path you had was the one right in front of you and that was more than enough at the moment.

Moriko hummed under her breath. The telltale sounds of fabric wrinkling told you the old woman was sitting down on her own bed. Needles started to click together and you opened your eyes the tiniest bit to watch how Moriko started to move the needles up and down, weaving further the already long knitted… scarf? Carpet? Something along these lines for sure.

With a low sigh, you leaned the back of your head against the wooden wall as well. Time to maybe catch some sleep, because one thing the old people were definitely right: you were exhausted. You were tired and drained from walking all the time without a break. A little nap would solve that little issue for you. Accompanied by the silent clicking of the needles and the shuffling of the hooves outside, you drifted off into a light sleep.

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You woke up when the door swung open, hinges squeaking so loud it resonated to your very teeth. Instantly, you looked up to watch Hiroshi climb under a lot of noises, moans and heavy sighs into the carriage. A harsh wind followed him, making you hurdle deeper into your coat and nestle more into the wall.

“The snowstorm is stronger than expected,” the old man shook his head, snow falling from his impressive mustache, “and the way to the village is already blocked. Flower, would you give me…”

Metal rustled and you watched how Moriko threw—to your mild surprise—the katana over. Hiroshi caught it easily. With the flowing motion of someone who had done the same motion a thousand and one times, he unsheathed the sword, appreciated the weak gleam of the candle light in the metal, before sheathing it again.

“Well then.” His eyes fell on you. “Oh, I’m sorry to have woken you up. Though, I could need your help. The snowstorm—!”

“Came earlier and stronger than expected.” Groaning under your breath, you forced your stiff body to stand up. “I’m ready.”

Hiroshi nodded. “Alright. Good to have some helping hands out there.”

“Yeah.” You had no idea what else you were supposed to say, so you just climbed out of the cart. Instantly when the door opened, harsh winds hit you in the face. Your eyes started to water and you had to blink rapidly, as snowflakes were sneaking underneath your coat to melt on your arms. Stepping outside into that white hell was even more of a torture. The wind was like blades cutting into your skin, even underneath all the clothing. You could see nothing but snow for a few seconds. Whiteness everywhere, all around you, above you and beneath your feet. Only after a few moments, you managed to gain the tiniest bit of insight. Your hair was whipped around your head and you needed a second to bring some kind of order into that particular mess.

“Follow me!” Hiroshi waved at you, before stomping through the already ankle-high snow forward to the horse, sword in hand and ready to work with it. Even though you had no idea what he would cut down in this kind of weather.

Though, his intentions became much clearer when you reached the front of the carriage. A tree blocked the street, thin and obviously old, snow already covering most of its bark and the empty crown. The tree must’ve laid there for quite a while already, as the snow had started to pile up around it, blocking the paved-out street further.

“The village,” Hiroshi screamed through the whistling of the storm, “is just a little bit further down the road! We can make it before the moon comes up, but we need to hurry!”

You nodded. He didn’t see the gesture due to the quickly thickening snow falling down and covering the world into a thick blanket, so you had to shout back.

“Alright! What about the tree though?”

At that, the older man barked out a laugh, while his hand reached for the handle of his katana. “Let that be my problem! Well, take a step back, and hold my horse for me, will you?”

Hold the horse… Oh.

Quickly, you stepped backwards, towards the massive draft horse. Even though it seemed friendly enough, ears pointing forward and softly snorting into your face as you reached for the bridle, you gripped tightly into the leather before giving Hiroshi a little wave.

A sharp nod was your answer. You were still wondering how exactly Hiroshi wanted to do anything with his katana against a maybe old and brittle tree (maybe old and brittle, but a sword certainly wasn’t a fitting tool to cut wood), when something flashed in your vision, so bright and blinding, you had to blink to get rid of the temporary blindness.

A second ago, Hiroshi stood in front of the fallen tree, his katana at his side, one hand on the handle, concentration reeking from his clearly experienced battle stance. The next second, the flash occurred, wood screeched, and the old man sheathed his sword again while rocking back and forth on his feet. Only when the tree fell apart, neatly sliced into several parts like no saw could ever achieve, you realized what was going on.

Hiroshi must be more than familiar with his sword.

There was no time for more thoughts, as your arm holding onto the bridle of the draft horse was ripped upwards. The noise of the cluttering wood scared it apparently. Head held high, neighing and stomping its massive hooves (that were as big as a dinner plate), the horse pranced around, tugging and jerking your entire body all over the place. Pain flashed through your shoulder as you were once more pushed aside and jerked upwards by its antics. Gently, you tugged at the cold leather, your fingers stiff and icy but your gift still strong, murmuring and whispering to the nervous horse like you had seen the villagers do when their horses grew restless.

“Sssh, it’s okay. Good horse, fine horse. You’re a little beauty, aren’t you?” Its ears, previously alert and tense, visibly relaxed as you continued to whisper over the howling of the storm around you. “Don’t rip my arm out, okay? Sssh, just calm down and stay still and we can all go our separate ways when we’re done here.”

Maybe it was the blood of your mother calming the horse down or maybe you just had a previously hidden talent to deal with nervous horses. Anyway, the draft horse snorted one last time that the residual snow on your coat was blown away, before lowering its head to a more comfortable level for your arm.

Relieved, you breathed out, before nodding at Hiroshi. He watched you intently and a cold shudder which had nothing to do with the snowstorm ruffling your clothes, wandered down your back. Did he suspect something? Was he already thinking of how to use you? Seeing how you calmed the horse down that easily…

Don’t be silly. What kind of human would use someone for something like calming horses down?

I don’t know, but I also don’t want to find out.

Instead of saying anything to you, Hiroshi shouldered the katana again. His voice only barely reached your ears, so you had to step closer to understand what he was saying. “Would you lend me a hand with the wood? The tree is still useful, and in the Land of Iron, wood is always a valuable resource.”

“Alright.” Good thinking. Foremost, a principle you understood; practiced for decades of your life, all alone in the woods.

With the practice of someone who had done this for a long time, you started to collect the stacks of wood. Beside you, Hiroshi also kneeled into the snow, picking up an arm full of wood and smiling at you while he did so.

“Impressed by this old man, aren’t ya? You don’t see every day the old school of martial arts.”

The image of Naruto and Sasuke passed by in front of your inner eye, how the young men trained and threw flames, lightning, wind and water at each other like it was nothing. “Yeah… Not every day, indeed.”

You knew instantly your tone wasn’t convincing at all. Hiroshi’s focus intensified, trying to read you and your thoughts, but you turned away with another arm of wood and stomped over to the carriage.

The horse neighed softly as you walked by, making a smile flash over your face.

At least one living being where I can be sure it doesn’t want to betray me and likes me for who I am.

“Is Hiroshi alright?” were Moriko’s first words when you knocked at the backdoor, which opened as soon as you lowered your hand.

You nodded, dropped the stack of wood at her feet, only to turn around and pass by Hiroshi. These two obviously worried about each other and you didn’t want to be close enough to witness the—without a doubt—sappy scene which would follow. And of course, when you returned with another arm of future firewood, the older couple was still talking in a hushed tone.

When they looked up, slight panic in their faces, the coldness of the snowstorm seeped into your body. They talked about you. Nothing else would explain the little guilty glance Moriko threw at Hiroshi or the calming motion of Hiroshi’s hand, stroking softly over the back of his wife’s hand before he smiled at you, the mustache curling in his friendliness. “Well, I should get going, love of my life. Help out our guest, you know?”

The work was quickly done, despite the quickly growing snowstorm and the impending night dawning on the horizon. Only a few minutes later, Hiroshi sat again on the front bench, while you climbed into the back to Moriko. She cradled the katana like a newborn baby and if you weren’t mistaken, there were tears in her eyes which she quickly wiped away before hanging the sword back over Hiroshi’s bed.

For a moment, you considered asking. For a mere second, you thought about intruding, about opening up yourself to her, to get to know these people. Then, you shook your head and sank again to the ground, ignoring the old woman as she obviously wanted to ask more pesky questions about your situation.

Tools. Tools, you hear me? They have to be nothing but tools.

The rest of the journey was short and uneventful. Merely an hour later, the cart stopped for a second time and Hiroshi’s excited voice echoed through the walls.

“We’re here! We made it! Hallelujah!”

Finally, you breathed silently out before pushing the door open. Again, snow hit your face, but this time you were prepared for the wave. Tugging the hood lower into your face, holding onto your backpack like your life depended on it, you jumped down into the snow and onto the paved road. A quick look around you told you everything you needed to know about the smaller town you stopped in. The inn was the only chance for the inhabitants to get drunk, and at the same time nearly the only source of income for the town. A few huts were scattered along the road, further up and further down wherever you turned your head to. Not many people out and considering the storm was only in its first throes, probably a wise decision to not be outside.

“Thank you,” Moriko said as you stared up the road, eyes drawn to the horizon and indeed the three-headed mountain looming in the distance, “without you, it would’ve taken more time to get here. Hiroshi isn’t as strong anymore as in the past, even though he pretends otherwise.”

Unwillingly, a snort escaped you. “For that, he can still swing his sword pretty well.”

“Yes…” Even though the woman agreed, her worried glance thrown at her husband told a different language. A few more moments passed by, only accompanied by the howling of the storm, before Moriko shook her head. The empty stare vanished, only to be replaced by a little, wrinkled smile. “We made it again back into our town and I appreciate that. Will you stay for the night?”

Running around in this storm would be suicide. You sighed inwardly, mustered the clouds above again, before nodding. “Yes, that would probably be wise.”

“Then, come in, come in! You can stay the night for free!” There was no chance to decline her offer. Before you could react, Moriko grabbed your wrist and tugged you towards the entrance of the inn, invitingly opened and the light drawing bright lines into the white of the snow.

“Wait, no! I don’t want—I can pay myself!”

Though, Moriko’s surprisingly strong grip around your wrist didn’t loosen at all. “Nonsense! You can have a room, we provide the food and bed for the help you gave to us!”

The thing was, you could’ve broken her grip on your arm by any means. Your gift, your own strength, it didn’t matter. If you really wanted, you could’ve escaped her, ran off into the night and never looked back. But you didn’t. You didn’t run away, and like that, the old woman was able to drag you easily into the inside of the inn, the merry music already slowing down before stopping completely.

Inside was maybe the entire town. Lots of people, most of them with beer in their hands, the tables pushed to the side of the room to make space for the people dancing to the sound of the band standing on a small podium in the left corner of the room. In the right corner, there was a small bar visible, with three big kegs standing on wooden legs right behind the bartender.

You froze as you felt the stares of the surrounding people slowly sinking into your skin. The dirty, unwashed coat, the boots, your backpack, the hood with your slightly greasy hair sticking out, all of that seemed so dirty and low in comparison to these townsfolk. You wanted, no, needed to leave immediately.

When cheers erupted throughout the crowd, you realized the stares weren’t directed at you. No, they cheered for Moriko and Hiroshi, who stepped behind you through the door. They cheered for the old couple, both raising their hands and accepting the cheers like they were already used to them.

“It’s good to be back!” Hiroshi’s voice roared through the room, “And really, really good to see you all again! We have all the spices to make the warm apple cider you all wanted, and a few more treats from our neighbors!”

New cheers erupted around the room, while you tried to comprehend what Hiroshi just said. Did he… Did he and his wife just drive out into this threatening storm for some warm apple cider? The insanity; the crazy will to get themselves into danger for a little bit of fancy alcohol!

Voices echoed through the room, questions hauled at the older couple with the enthusiasm of the townsfolk welcoming their dear elders again.

“How have you been?”

“Hope you didn’t sprain your back again old man!”

“Did the snowstorm catch up to you?”

And then, finally, the question which turned your stomach upside down.

“Who is your silent guest?”

Your entire body went rigid. This was it, the moment of truth. How would Moriko and Hiroshi react now?

A warm hand patted your back, then Moriko passed you by with the same elegance of a swan floating over a calm lake. “This is (Y/N). She was on the road when we came back and helped with an old tree which blocked the road.”

“So, the old dead one is finally really dead?”

The old woman giggled, raised her hands towards her mouth. “Yeah, indeed. Just a matter of time, and the time has finally come. The firewood we brought back is proof of that.”

New cheers, all happy and excited. Around these parts, you could imagine that firewood was always a highly valuable resource, and dead trees were faster gone than a bowl of Ichiraku ramen standing in front of Naruto.

Don’t. Think. About. Them.

Another hand patted your back, at the exact same height of Moriko’s touch, but it was Hiroshi who brushed past you, the mustache slightly curling at the edges when he noticed your confused look. “Come,” he mouthed and nodded towards a small staircase, hidden by a flap of leather, “I will show you the room. You look tired.”

Another glance around the room, another listen to the loud voices, and you didn’t need to be convinced to follow the man quickly into the staircase. The old creaky wood groaned under your feet as you climbed them upwards, following Hiroshi up into the second level of the inn.

“I can imagine,” Hiroshi was still grinning when you reached the last set of stairs, “you don’t want to listen to the celebration of a small town getting their alcoholic drinks back. The noise shouldn’t be that bad up here. The heating also should be fine, but if you need a warmed-up brick, we can give you one in a few minutes?”

“I should be fine.”

“Good, good.” A few steps into the dark hallway, Hiroshi turned right and pushed open a door. “Here is your room. The best room we have. For free, of course.”

So, they were the original owners of the inn. That explained why they saw the need to drive out into the snow and get the ingredients for some drinks. They were dependent on it; their livelihood on the line if they didn’t.

With a slight nod, you stepped into the room. It was nothing special, a window showing off the snow hell outside, a bed and a small wardrobe; nothing more but it was more than enough in your current state.

Hiroshi continued to explain while you looked around the room, only to drop your bag on the bed with the finality of a decision made. “Wake up whenever you want, we will get you something to eat. If something should happen, we’re in the room right at the end of the hallway.”

You hummed something nonchalant and breathed out in deep relief when the door finally closed. Finally alone, again. You forgot how exhausting it was to deal with real humans, how straining their voices could be and how annoying it was to answer any of their questions.

Strange. How easy it was to fall back into your old behaviorism of being a hermit. Indeed, very strange and freeing at the same time.

The coat dropped from your shoulders, the boots were heeled off, the rest of your clothes followed shortly after. Suddenly, you didn’t even manage to hold your eyes up for another minute, too exhausted and drained from the social interaction and happenings of the day to stay awake. An entire night in a real bed instead of a makeshift cod out of moss and dry leave was simply heaven.

And still. And still, when you sunk backwards into the cushions and closed your eyes, you still missed the easy coziness of the blanket and pillow back in Konoha. Back in Kakashi’s house, back in Kakashi’s arms. Back then.

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“Kakashi-sensei?”

By now, Kakashi knew that tone. No amount of pretending to not have heard it or averting the issue could change Naruto’s path right now. The boy wanted to know something; wanted to know something to the point of using this sickly-sweet tone to annoy him and get on his nerves even before the actual question left his student’s mouth.

Undisturbed, the sixth Hokage flipped through a mission report. “No matter what kind of never published Icha-Icha-content you will bribe me with, you will sit through these mission reports and the following meetings with me. As the Hokage in training, you will—!”

“It’s not about the meetings, believe it! It’s about (Y/N)!”

His heart froze for a second, only to steadily pick up its pace again. His hands shook, until Kakashi could only place the papers onto the desk to not give away how much the sudden mentioning of her name made him anxious.

“What about her?” he asked, forcing his voice to remain flat and uninterested.

Naruto scoffed. “You know exactly what I mean, believe it! For months now, we try to find out what happened, but you still haven’t told us!”

“Why do you think then that I would speak up now?”

“Because of this.” To his surprise, Naruto handed Kakashi a stack of papers the boy read through, his face strangely serious and even—Kakashi dared to think it—dark. One more look into Naruto’s eyes, then the man allowed his eyes to roam over the letters.

A letter of a village in need, he noted dully as he read. The fields which previously were one of the most profitable ones in the entire Fire Country suddenly went to absolute shit. Nature seemed to have turned against the villagers, the animals invading the village despite the guards and fires they placed around the high fence. Poisonous plants started to grow where crops and vegetables grew only a few weeks ago, the cattle and horses became untamable and unapproachable. The local smith had been attacked and needed medical attention, the sooner the better.

A dire situation indeed. But nothing which would explain Naruto’s sudden interest in…

Kakashi was only half awake as he read. However, when he reached the end of the letter and the signature of the writer, he stopped. Read again. Realization dawned on him. Kakashi’s head snapped upwards, mouth already popping open to question the blond boy, who only nodded.

“Yeah. Yundai.” Naruto spat the name out like only the taste on his tongue could poison him. “(Y/N)’s old hometown.”

Kakashi’s mind was in disarray. His heart sped up, jumped into his throat, choked him to the point of lightheadedness. If the village was in this situation, if nature itself seemed to fight against the people there…

What happened to (Y/N)?

After a moment of blind panic, one clear thought breached through the haze. No, (Y/N) would be fine. She lived a day of travel away from the village, was far away from the chaos.

But what if she was responsible…?

No, she wasn’t. A ridiculous thought. Despite the bad blood between her and the village, she would never raise her hands or powers against them. Kakashi clenched his fists, the fingernails digging into his palm. He needed to focus, to think, needed to keep his calm to think—!

But what was happening then?

She doesn’t live there anymore. The village depends on the crops, but the crops depend on her.

“She walked away.” He mumbled. “She walked away and that’s why the plants won’t grow anymore.”

Kakashi had totally forgotten about Naruto but the boy forced himself back into his attention with his loud attitude. He nodded, rocking back and forth in the old swivel chair he found in a nearby office and pushed right in front of the Hokage desk. “Yeah! But what about the other stuff, believe it? Could it be her mom, maybe?”

(Y/N)’s mother, the dryad. Nature which fought against the human civilization living there for decades. Dryads which left the villagers alone for years, while (Y/N) was in Konoha. What was different now?

Too many questions, too many secrets. Quickly, Kakashi shuffled through the papers spread out on his desk, found an empty note and started to scribble away. There was no time to waste.

“Oi! Sensei, what are you doing?” Naruto leaned forward, the smell of ramen enveloping Kakashi even more than usual. Probably had some right before the boy joined him for his training in paperwork.

“I,” another line of almost unreadable chicken scratch, “issue an investigation. Highest importance, A-rank. I want you, Sasuke and Sakura on the case, now. Contact them both and pack your bags. I want you out of the village and on the road in thirty minutes.”

Realization dawned on Kakashi, faster and seemingly more terrible than a future controlled by a gigantic chakra-flower. He never should’ve let (Y/N) go back to them, should’ve never allowed her to leave his side. What kind of idiot took it to send a victim back to her abusers? What kind of blind, stupid asshole had he been—was he still? 

When (Y/N) looked at him with tearful eyes, the rage and betrayal so visible on her face—mincing his heart into pieces—right before she walked out, ran away from him, and rightfully did so—

When he woke up and realized there had been no nightmares in two, three weeks, and decided to enjoy her presence and the light snoring-sounds a little bit longer, all the while looking at her face and wondering how he deserved this kind of peace—

When they kissed, the kiss so soft and gentle his heart soared into never-seen skies; when they kissed on the training field and Kakashi held her with all the gentleness he possessed; when (Y/N) closed her eyes and trusted his selfish wishes without a second thought—

When he woke up from an especially terrible nightmare and her presence drew him towards her room, and she was there, with open arms and the acceptance Kakashi needed desperately to fall asleep again—

When he admitted that there were more than hesitant attraction between them; when he ran towards the greenhouses and sat down by her side; when he reached out and touched her hand while his heart was fluttering in his ribcage like a desperate hummingbird trying to break free—

When (Y/N) arrived in Konoha, the very first evening; when they sat down on the stairs, the evening sun illuminating the long, dark hallway of the Hatake house, and her warmth and natural calmness soothed his anxiety and nervousness back into the back of his mind—

When they travelled; when they talked about going to Konoha; when anger coursed through his veins at seeing the treatment of her supposed hometown; when she slowly opened up to Team 7 and him, hell, when Kakashi arrived at the clearing and saw the little hut, there had already been a foreboding sense of knowing something was waiting for him—

The greatest challenge, adventure, curse and blessing of his life.

For all these months, Kakashi managed to shove any thoughts in (Y/N)’s direction aside. Now, faced with the possibility of her being gone, panic coiled in his stomach like a snake. Blind, raw panic, mixed with shame and the inability to put these emotions into proper words and sentences.

All this time. All this goddamn time, and he only noticed, realized now with a clarity and brutality of Pein destroying Konohagakure with a single jutsu and in the matter of a split moment what his feelings were.

“Find her,” he asked, pleaded Naruto, unable to look up from the table, “find her and bring her back. (Y/N) needs to know.”

“What, sensei? What does (Y/N) need to know?”

That I fucked up, Kakashi thought to himself, that I am an idiot of enormous proportions. That I love her.

Gods, he just hoped it wasn’t too late.

Chapter Text

When you woke up, eyes unfocused and vision blurry, you were confused for a few seconds. Why was there a soft blanket slung around you? Why were you in a room; why was it so warm and cozy; why was the bed—despite the slightly scratchy sheets—one of the most comfortable ones you ever slept in?

Then, the memories of yesterday came back. The snow storm, the carriage, Hiroshi and Moriko. Their offering to let you stay in their inn for the night and the exhaustion enveloping your mind as you finally were left alone for longer than five minutes. Out like a light.

Like a thief, you slipped out of the bed. The window to your right showed nothing but glaring white outside, which meant the sun had started to rise. But there was no more howling and no more wind, meaning the storm had calmed down. 

An ideal time to flee the scene and vanish without a trace.

Silently, you moved out of the bed and dressed yourself in the same clothes of yesterday. The coat still felt clammy, wet and cold, but the boots were still warm and comfortable thankfully. You shuddered as you put the coat over your shoulders, underneath a pair of long-sleeved shirts, two long pants and long socks which already had seen better days. Gods, you just wished you had some kind of gloves, hat or scarf. The snow wouldn’t care about your inability to bring warm winter clothes, nor would the sharp winds. Maybe there would be a small shop open who could sell some appropriate fabrics, even though considering the amounts of snow outside, you doubted it.

As nice as it was to sleep in a real bed for once, it was already time to venture further. When you sneaked out into the hallway, silence greeted you. Certainly strange but you climbed down the stairs, backpack on your shoulders and already wishing you were on the road. There was no way Moriko and Hiroshi would let you go that easily if they spotted you. Secrecy and sneakiness were of utmost importance, otherwise you might not even get away.

Unfortunately, as you ascended down into the bar area and already heard Hiroshi’s low humming, accompanied by Moriko’s weak sighing, you realized it wouldn’t be so easy.

You should’ve woken up hours ago in the wee of the night to sneak out.

“Oh, hello there!” Hiroshi had immediately noticed when you set a single step into the wide room. He was standing behind the bar, a lump of fabric in his hands and cleaning out some massive jugs, the mustache jumping up and down as he continued to hum. Then, the old man turned to look at you. His eyes fell upon your coat, the backpack and the determination on your face, and his bright expression dimmed the tiniest bit. “You want to leave already?”

“Yes. I certainly can’t rely on your kindness for more than one night.” The phrase fell easily from your lips, even though your voice was still rough from sleep, so you coughed and continued like nothing had happened. “I thank you though. I simply  didn’t do anything and yet you allowed me to stay.”

Moriko had been busy wiping down some of the surrounding tables, her hair again bound into a high knot softly dipping up and down with her careful, gentle motions, but when you spoke, she straightened to look at you with concern in her creased eyes.

“Are you sure? The aftermath of the snow storm is not that kind to people. You don’t seem prepared…”

Her worry was both infuriating and slightly charming, you had to admit. “No one is ever prepared to face nature fully. I will manage.”

“Do you have some food? Some warm clothes?”

“Certainly, you have a small store around here where I can buy some stuff.” You just hoped they would also take the leftover money you still carried around from Konoha.

“Sure, sure, but…” Moriko threw a wary glance at Hiroshi. “We should have some hats and scarves laying around, you don’t have to buy anything.”

“I couldn’t—!”

“Nonsense! You’re not intruding, you’re not stealing from us. They’re forgotten things from other travelers, and at some point, I washed them and gift all these forgotten items to other travelers—yes, just like you. They would just catch dust, so take whatever you like!”

Not waiting for your answer, Moriko was already weaseling behind the counter where Hiroshi stood, vanishing in the back and behind another curtain. Ruffling and shuffling could be heard, and you tried to not show your impatience at the time wasted; time you could already spent on the road and searching for the solitude you craved for. But a tiny speck of manners made you stay, even though your entire body was already turning slightly backwards, away from the bar and into the direction of the exit.

Hiroshi noticed, of course. While continuing to clean the jugs, he raised both of his eyebrows, like he wanted to say: You stay as long as she wants and you’ll take whatever she hands to you.

You couldn’t possibly argue with that glance. So, you waited, with your arms hanging awkwardly by your side and rocking back and forth on your heels.

Without asking a single question (by now, you were getting used to their almost unbearable need to care for others), Hiroshi placed the jug onto the bar, waved you closer, only to start preparing some kind of food as soon as you hesitantly slid onto the closest bar stool.

“Oh no,” he shook his head as you wanted to speak up, mouth already open and ready to protest, “you’re not going outside before you had something to eat. Travelling through knee-high snow takes lots of energy, don’t forget that.”

“It’s really not necessary to feed me as well. I will just take the stuff Moriko will give me and—!”

“Nah, no chance to leave here without breakfast.” The old man shook his head, the mirth oh-so-clearly visible on his entire moon-face. With way-too-fluid motions, Hiroshi reached for an impossibly sharp knife and a little bit of meat. You watched with your fingers tugged into the safe crease of your elbows how he started to twirl the knife around his fingers, before allowing it to come down and slice the meat into little mouth pieces.

Obviously, he had cooked so many times before Hiroshi didn’t need to pay too much attention to his hands or fingers. The steel sung as he worked and you couldn’t move your eyes away from the delirious sight.

“Any plans where to go?” His voice cut through your concentration and you looked up. “Or just wandering further?”

You shook your head. “Not really.”

“A tip of mine: the Land of Vegetables is always worth a visit. Also, the Land of Wind has an oasis which isn’t too far away from the Land of Vegetables, and if you want to go even further, the Moon Kingdom holds their annual celebration of the royal family. Also, the Land of Tea alone for their tea which is to die for, and of course, last but not least, the Land of Hot Springs. Nothing can beat a visit to these hot springs and a good meal.”

Your mind swirled around at all these tips. So many countries to visit, so many places to see, so many experiences for you to make.

Well, nothing like the present. Now, with nothing holding you back and tying you down, you were free to go wherever you wanted. Starting with all these countries Hiroshi named. You had no idea where to start otherwise, as you had no map or knowledge of what could be a good experience, anyway.

While Hiroshi continued to prepare breakfast, Moriko entered the room again, her arms full of different fabrics. Her smile reached up to her eyes as she noticed that you sat by now at the bar and didn’t stand around anymore and ready to leave at any possible second.

Stepping close to her husband, she spread the arm of winter clothing over the counter. “Here, choose what you like. No one will claim it. And oh, I also found a map in that pile, so if you don’t have one, just take it. I’m sure,” her playful wink was laced with the same mirth Hiroshi oozed, “you will find it useful.”

This sneaky spriggan. Of course, she eavesdropped. How could she not, with merely a thin curtain parting the two rooms? Strangely enough though, you couldn’t muster one spark of anger at her audacity. Moriko meant well, too well, some would say.

“Thank you,” you mumbled as you pulled the paper roll closer, “I appreciate this. All of this. It’s really—!”

“Not too much,” Moriko interrupted, still smiling as she walked up to the right and reached for some jugs, “definitely not too much. Remember, all these things are just lost items. Finders keepers! They just take up space and are a hassle to clean on a regular basis. Take them, please!”

Carefully, you pushed the map aside to turn towards the winter clothing. A warm wool-hat in a reddish maroon, a thick scarf in a deep green reminding you of the oldest green in your home forest, and even a pair of mittens, strangely enough the same color as the wool-hat. You eased your fingers over the fabric, felt the way the knitting needles once took and worked different little details into the wool. The wool was soft as well, the hat and mittens bolstered by thick sheep wool to make them even warmer, while the scarf was already thick and long to begin with. When you inspected the clothing further, you discovered a small tag on the inside, spelling out Moriko’s name.

For a second, you wanted to call her out for her lie. For a second, you wanted to throw the things back at the old woman, shove the breakfast Hiroshi prepared away so it splattered onto the ground, and ran right out of the door. These lies, again and again! You couldn’t stand them anymore, why was it so hard to just tell the truth?

You already opened your mouth, but then, Hiroshi’s forehead wrinkled up in deep concentration, before he pointed at the hat and mittens. “Aren’t these the ones I bought you on our vacation in the Land of Rice? The ones with your name…?”

Moriko let out a girly squeal, her cheeks and ears instantly as red as a tomato, before weakly punching her husband’s shoulder. “Oh, now you ruined it! Fine, these are my old hat and mittens, and your old scarf, Hiroshi! We don’t use them anymore and I wanted to give them away anyway, so now they finally get a new home!” Turning towards you, the older woman whipped a few strands back behind her ear, eyes clear and clearly apologetic. “I’m sorry, but I thought you wouldn’t accept the hat and scarf and mittens if I would outright state they would come directly from us. It’s… I thought you would see them as alms… And not as a well-meant gift. It’s…” She sighed, her smile dropping only the tiniest bit. “It’s really cold outside.”

Alms. Your teeth grinded together, hurting your jaw. The pain grounded you, made your mind clearer. Alms, of course. Since yesterday, there was nothing indicating about your behavior you would accept any gifts. Still, the old woman went ahead and tried to help, in her own way, knowing there was a big chance you would reject her and her advances. Though, you had no idea why exactly Moriko and Hiroshi were so invested in you and your well-being, but if you were completely rational and logical, these gifts would be helpful. In fact, under the curtain of rationality and logic, it would be even better to take these valuable gifts and save your money for more important things, such as travel fares, food and other stuff.

The tension in your jaw eased before you nodded, slowly and watching Moriko and Hiroshi closely. They shared a short yet excited glance at seeing you accepting their gifts, pulling the hat, scarf and mittens closer and letting your fingers run over the wool.

“Thank you. Your gift is appreciated.”

“No problem.” Moriko beamed at you, the crow feet around her eyes deepening. “Now, enjoy the food! You have a long walk ahead of you! What are your plans, where do you want to go next?”

Where to go? You could follow Hiroshi’s suggestions. It was a solid choice to make, and they obviously didn’t plan to keep you here, in this inn and in this town. They worried you would be alright on the way, not about you leaving. You could follow his suggestions or walk your own way.

“I think,” you unrolled the map once more and studied the different shapes and colors of the countries, “I think I will surprise myself.”

And you couldn’t wait for the surprise to come.

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Flabbergasted, Naruto stared at the vine-overgrown wooden palisade, the knocked down mighty gate and the overall natural destruction of this formerly so lively place. The silence was haunting; knowing usually there should be guards, merchants, other people around but no, the place really looked like it was abandoned decades ago, yet not a week had gone by since Team 7 started their journey from Konoha.

“That can’t be right…” the blond boy mumbled. “Sakura, are you sure you read the map right?”

“Of course, I did!” But even when Sakura seemed so sure of herself, her own look at the beaten-down doors harbored the same doubts Naruto just said out loud. “It’s just… They obviously… Oh gods, what happened here?”

“Something terrible, believe it. But there’s no evil intentions I could sense at the moment.”

“Sasuke?” The girl looked at her other teammate. “Can you see anything?”

The last and most silent member of their team was still staring intently at the gates, the entire village and the surroundings, his sharingan and rinnegan in full view. “Not yet. No danger, at least.”

“Good.” Sakura nodded to herself. “That’s at least something.”

“I think there are still people inside.”

“Not that good. Can you see if they’re hurt?”

Sasuke shot her a blank stare like he wanted to say I don’t know, maybe we should go take a look inside to find out, my eyes aren’t that accurate, yeez. 

“I know, I know,” she sighed. “Let’s go. No time like the present.”

They jumped out of the tree they were sitting in, their movements hesitant and laced with care as the shinobi inched closer and closer to the gates. When Naruto stepped over the line which marked the end of the forest and the start of the village, the full scale of the forest warfare became visible.

All the houses which had been clean and planned out with an almost annoying sense for detail were overgrown by vines. Glass was splintered, doors pushed out of their frames and broken down, massive branches of newly grown trees which looked like they had been there for centuries but hadn’t been there a few months ago slithered through the inside of the houses. The previously carefully paved street was overgrown as well, grass and herbs and weeds all growing in wild heaps as the team advanced, their feet light and steps hesitant. Vines, some leaves bigger than their heads, covered most of the roofs like living snakes, shaking in the slightest breeze and giving the entire picture and eerie feel. A horror movie, a green hell.

When they rounded the first curve, they encountered their first problem. Not a problem per se, but a problem for the civilians living here for sure. A pack of wolves, maybe fifteen or twenty animals, led by an abnormally large female wolf, fur black and streaked with grey, the muzzle colored in a shade of red which could be blood.

When the wolf spotted the group, her muzzle turned into a sharp grin. No growl, no howl, just bared her teeth, before snapping at the heels of one of her pack members. Like ghosts, the wolves vanished between the houses.

Naruto whistled. “Well, that was strange.”

“Yeah,” Sasuke’s forehead laid in wrinkles, “for once I agree with the dunce.”

It was a tip of the hat to the strangeness of the situation that Naruto didn’t even react at the casual insult Sasuke always managed to pepper into their conversations. He was way too busy to look around and inspect his surroundings, eyes widening when he noticed the next house was overgrown by gigantic fire-vines. Every thorn was as thick as a kunai, and even the air close to these plants seemed to be burning like the poison did in the veins of its victims.

“Let’s go,” Sakura mumbled, “it doesn’t feel safe here out in the open. Sasuke, lead the way to the survivors. Naruto, you watch out for the wolves… or anything else which comes back.”

Together, they continued to move through the destroyed streets. Only slowly, bit by bit, the full capacity of the destruction became visible. More overgrown abandoned houses, broken fences and cows which hid as soon as the shinobi came into view, the call of horses in the distance and sometimes the low bark of a dog, but except for these interruptions, no sign of a living being echoed through the streets.

“I don’t like this,” Naruto whispered as Sasuke led them further and further towards the small hill where Yundai’s house stood, “I really don’t like this, believe it.”

“Me neither, but we have to investigate!” Sakura hissed back. “Kakashi-sensei needs to know what happened to (Y/N)-san and these people—even though they’re assholes—need our help.”

“I know, I know. I was talking about the animals, though.”

“Well, the letter spoke about strange behavior of formerly domesticated animals.”

“Do you think…?”

“It could’ve been (Y/N).” Sasuke butted in, head tilted so he could glare at his teammates. “Oh, shut up, I know you both think the same. This could’ve been a spike of her powers in anger and fury. Don’t tell me you didn’t think of that. She had all the reasons to be angry and pissed enough to get back at the villagers.”

“(Y/N) would never do that, believe it!”

“Ssh!”

“Sorry, Sakura-chan.” Though, the blond didn’t look like he was sorry, especially considering the little glance he threw at Sasuke, full of defiant disagreement and cheeky challenge to speak up. Sasuke though only rolled his eyes, scoffed and turned forward again, ignoring the impending challenge from his long-time rival and friend.

“Just be silent, Naruto.” With that said, Sakura sneaked after Sasuke and Naruto followed begrudgingly and with more mumbles under his breath.

When they reached the small hill with Yundai’s house on top of it, the trio stopped. The unfolding sight was maybe even more terrible than the sight of the ghost-village in their back, mostly to the sheer destructive will Yundai apparently went to fend off the invaders.

The beautiful house was indeed untouched by nature, probably due to the ring of fire someone laid around it. A tight circle of camping fires, torches and ash, burning high and bright around the wooden house, which showed first signs of black streaks due to the smoke and soot. When they stepped even closer, the earth crunched under their feet, way too loud not to notice.

To Naruto’s eternal disgust, Sasuke dug his fingers into the earth and raised a clump of it to his nose, even tasted it to confirm his suspicions. “Salt. They mixed salt into the earth.”

“Ew! Was that necessary?”

“To confirm what I thought is true? Yes.”

“But eating dirt? That’s so icky, believe it!”

“Oh shut up, you braindead knucklehead. I barely licked it.”

Sakura was just about to shut them both up with a well-meant punch into their ribs, when the front door of the house opened. The familiar face of Yundai appeared. Only today, the roguish attractive appearance was erased by the signs of several sleepless nights and days, ash streaking all over his face and a hefty bruise forming a pretty, purple-greenish circle around his right eye.

“Finally,” he hissed, “you come here to fix what you have done! The forest is torturing us!”

Sakura snorted under her breath. “Easy there. First off, what happened here? Second, do you have injured people? I can heal them if needed.”

“What happened here!?” A manic laughter dropped from his mouth. “What does it look like, huh? The damned forest with its shitty inhabitants, that’s what happened!”

A moment of silence followed his wild exclamation. Finally, Naruto cocked his head to the side. “The forest?” he echoed.

“Yes, the fucking forest!” Yundai screamed back. Spittle was flying off his mouth, like a rabies-infected animal would drool everywhere in its maniac rage. “The fucking forest and the shit-eating animals! The cows, the horses, the dogs and even the goddamned fucking cats! One of them tried to sit on my face to kill me while I was sleeping!”

“Isn’t that normal cat-behavior though…” Sasuke mumbled towards his team, one of his rare smiles on his lips.

Thankfully, the village head didn’t hear that. He was too invested to rant and complain while fully stepping into the light of the campfires all around the house, arms waving around and clothes merely one step above rags. “And all of this is your fault! (Y/N) is still alive, isn’t she? Otherwise, this all wouldn’t happen to us! You didn’t fulfill our request and I demand you give us back the money we paid to get rid of this nuisance, this parasite! We should’ve burned her down together with her little hut, do the job ourselves, then we wouldn’t be in this predicament right now!”

“Wait…” Sasuke’s sharingan blinked up, only to retreat back into the black of his natural iris. “You burned down her house?”

Yundai didn’t notice how even the trees around them went silent. He didn’t notice the sudden tension in the air, didn’t notice the blank expression on Sakura’s face and the grim anger on Naruto’s, didn’t notice how the vines closest to the fire ring around his house started to rattle its leaves and tried to sneak closer. “Well yes, of course! We burned down her hut because she never had a place to begin here! We were finally free of her influence, but then our fields went bad and the forest started to invade our territory! All of this wouldn’t have happened if you just killed her the moment you spotted her ugly little face!”

All of these insults and spewed hatred made Team 7 really hesitant in helping Yundai in any way. They shared a look, all with varying degrees of I don’t really want to help here, anyone else up to leave? on their faces, before Sakura sighed and stepped forward.

“Alright,” she waved at the ring of fire, “thanks for sharing your unsolicited opinion. Can you put down some of the fire to let me in or bring some of the injured ones out so I can check on them? If you have nothing else to say, of course.”

Yundai just opened his mouth, but Sakura, still a fake-friendly smile on her face, simply tapped her foot. Cracks appeared in the earth, the unholy groan of the hill being split apart by the sheer force of the chakra she forced into the ground echoed through the air. The entire house shook, wood screamed in its effort to keep the walls together, all the while the girl acted like nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

Meanwhile, Naruto chuckled and Sasuke smirked. They loved to not be on the opposing end of Sakura’s temper, especially if the other end was such a major asshole just like the village head. On the other hand, Yundai’s face went as white as a sheet, before hurrying inside and even leaving the door open, totally forgetting about the evil forest and the motions of the vines which still tried to crawl over the burned and salted earth.

Soon enough though, Naruto’s grin ceased and he looked around over the green hell which was previously a living village, but his eyes were set on the faraway distance; the vague direction of (Y/N)’s hut.

“If her house is really burned down, where do you think she is now?” he asked while turning around once more.

None of them had an answer, but swore to themselves with a single nod to find out. They wanted (Y/N) back in Konoha, wanted her back and wanted to see their sensei happy again. Whatever it took, and when it took helping Yundai and the village first to gain some information, well, then they would do their job, though certainly not with a smile on their face.

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Surprisingly, travelling through the snow of the Land of Iron wasn’t as hard as it first appeared to be. The streets were apparently under the jurisdiction of the government and were cleared at a regular pace, making the travelling way easier. After you left Hiroshi and Moriko’s inn and three days in your walk, interrupted by regular stops in the villages along the way, the snow fall started to clear up, only to completely stop. At the same time, the way became way steeper and before you knew it, you were hiking up some kind of windy, rocky road paved into the side of a high mountain, without any kind of railing and a long fall ahead of you if your fitting was off. One single step onto the wrong loose pebble, and that would be it. The air was getting thinner, and when you stopped for a second to look around, the only thing you could see were other mountains, sparse plants and the occasional mountain goat jumping around like they were able to glue themselves to the stone.

You loved every second of it.

Panting and smiling all the same, you paused for a second. At this height, the temperatures dropped to dangerous levels and still you felt way too hot to keep on any more layers. The compromise was to loosen up your scarf the tiniest bit, feeling the sharp, cold winds beating against your neck almost instantly. Just a little bit more, you could already see the tip of the mountain you were currently climbing. Just a few more, just a few…

The wind was even worse right on the top of the mountain. With your eyes almost closed and one arm raised to protect your face, you stumbled further, stopped and tried to breathe. Simply breathing until your breath wasn’t as hard and fast anymore. You took the chance to look around, eyes still squinted and arm still raised.

You could vividly remember one description out of some books you read a few years ago. The edge of the world. You had the feeling this description was exactly written to describe this very view; looking over more mountains and the sky like nothing else existed but these mountains. Like the world ended just right behind them, like you could wander right over them and fall off the world to vanish completely. When you turned around though, you could still spot the clear line where the snow started and went over into massive rock.

“Fuck.” A breathless laugh dropped from your mouth. Such a long way, your legs were shaking and your knees hurt. But you never felt better in your entire life. The view was simply that incredible and fascinating and new. No more trees, no more grass. Just stone and pebbles and dirt and the sky and clouds. Nothing else but that.

If you were correct, you should’ve just passed the border of the Land of Iron to the Land of Earth. Another one of the big five shinobi countries, and after the last contact with shinobi, you wanted to avoid them at all costs. Thus, just travelling through the Land of Earth to reach your first destination destined to be a stay for you: the Land of Vegetables.

Another breath in, way calmer than before, then you retied the scarf around your neck with newfound determination. These mountains didn’t climb themselves, after all.

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The image of the little quaint hut in the middle of the clearing, with the fence protecting the wide and varied garden was still fresh in the minds of Team 7 when they arrived at their destination. Like this, they weren’t ready at all to comprehend the broken down, ashen and destroyed ruin of the former home.

Stunned into scared silence, they closed the distance, their steps ruffling through the dirt, ash and salt as they stepped closer and into the shadows of the ruin. Shards broke beneath their soles, former pots and bowls made with uncertain hands and rough clay. Burned wood plastered the way inside the ruin, the formerly so massive walls, the broken-down door they made together.

“If I weren’t a healer,” Sakura gritted her teeth, “I would go back and destroy that damned torch ring Yundai set up around his house so the forest can get his ass. Just for this alone, it would be worth it.”

In an unusual display of his emotion, Sasuke scowled. “I’ll help with that. I’ll fucking help with whatever you want to do to them.”

If the Uchiha hated anything more than destroying a home, then it was to kill an entire family. As far as he knew (and as far as the entire Team 7 knew) the house and the garden were everything (Y/N) had left in this world after she ran away from Konoha. There was no one else, no father, no mother, no siblings. Just this house she built with her own two hands and the plants she cared for with all of her heart.

The closest thing to a family a lonely hermit could have.

“We have to report this to Kakashi.” Sasuke was already sitting down, paper and pen in hand and ready to write a short update for their sensei. “He won’t be happy about this, though.”

“Of course not.” Sakura scowled. “He’s so head over heels for her I’m amazed he didn’t quit the Hokage seat right then and there to search for her.”

“He’s too responsible for that.”

“Sure he is. And I also wouldn’t be amazed if that sense of responsibility was the thing which drove them apart in the first place.”

Wisely enough, Sasuke decided not to retort anything. Instead, his black hair fell into his face as he bent over to scribble a short yet precise report onto the paper. Sakura left him to his own devices and turned her attention towards Naruto. The blond boy wandered through the ruins of the hut, his expression unreadable, only to stop when his feet scratched over the surface of the door he helped to make such a long time ago.

“This is still reality,” he mumbled, “still a reality for people who are like I once was. Unwanted by the people around me, hated even, and hated to the point they want you dead. When I’m the Hokage, this treatment has to stop, believe it.”

She reached out to touch his shoulder, fingers shortly squeezing down in sympathy. “They are scared, superstitious. It’s not an apology, but the source of what you have to fix. They need education more than anything. Their fear of the unknown powers of (Y/N) made them exclude her, while depending on her at the same time.”

“Nevertheless, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Where was the education or acceptance in the first place? People like (Y/N) needed this a year, two years, five years ago, not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. The previous Hokage have failed (Y/N), the Fire Lord has failed her in not putting reforms out soon enough to ramp up educational purposes in the countryside, we shinobi have failed by not noticing these deficits, believe it. That has to change.”

Through his lessons with Iruka and Kakashi, Naruto learned to understand how the political world worked. He didn’t need to like it, only to understand the works behind the scenes and how every small gesture could influence potential partners into one direction or the other. With that came the understanding of what was needed to change the current landscape to push the people in favor of peace and partnership with other countries instead of harboring hate for each other. A hard and long way, but Naruto was determined to walk it.

And still too late for (Y/N). They were still too late to capture her when she needed it, too late to assure her she had a home in Konoha what, hell, to make sure that—if she wanted to stay—that there was a roof over her head for the time being. But (Y/N) wasn’t there.

It took merely ten minutes to search through the burned-down ruin of the formerly-so-cozy house to realize she was long gone. The ashes were cold and a long-dried spot of blood told about her presence, though. Meaning, the hermit had been here. Meaning, (Y/N) saw her house and went elsewhere.

However, they missed her by a few weeks. Rain, wind and animals already erased every trace they could’ve followed, and none of them were proficient enough in any tracking jutsu to make up for the difference in time.

Of course, Naruto was the first one to break under the tension. With a growl vibrating in his chest, he threw his hands into the air, before dropping down into the grass. “What are we going to do now? There’s no way we will find her!”

Internally, Sakura was agreeing with her teammate. Outwardly, the girl tried to stay positive; her strained smile was proof of that. “Then, we have to spread out and search the area if we find some other trace of her. There has to be something at least. Sasuke can go and run some perimeters, while you can check the surroundings with your Sage-Mode. I will go and check the close proximities, like the river, and trek up the mountain to her cave. Maybe she’s still there as the villagers have no idea that place exists.”

A good plan. A great plan, even. They were already so close to dispersing, Sasuke in the middle of summoning Aoda to cover more ground and gain the insight of the normal snakes close by, when a soft voice cut through all of their preparations.

“You. I know you. You took my daughter away.”

A voice, unlike any other human voice they ever heard. Like bark rubbing against bark, like leaves whispering in the breeze, like earth shifting and branches cracking. So unsuspected, so sudden that Sasuke was—in the blink of an eye—up with his katana drawn, Naruto already formed seals to summon a shadow clone and Sakura was ready to crack the earth with her mere fists.

The sight in front of them made them stop in their tracks though. Something akin to a woman stood in the middle of the ceiling, close to the destroyed hut. Something close to looking like a human being. Her humanoid body appeared naked, only measly covered by leaves and flowers. Long grass grew out of her head and fell in soft waves around her curves, the skin looking like the softest bark imaginable, while her fingers resembled more thin branches than actual fingers. When the… the thing turned around, her intense moss-green eyes set on the group, staring them down with all the unforgivable force nature possessed.

“The fox inside of you destroyed many trees,” a thin branch was crooked into Naruto’s direction, only to turn to Sasuke, “and your flames hurt many of my brethren. And you, girl, may call yourself a healer, but your punches robbed many lives.”

Bless Naruto’s heart, he didn’t have it inside him to be scared. The boy stepped forward, still not letting go of his seals, but eyes clear and without fear. “Who are you? What do you mean, we took your daughter away?”

The woman… The plant-like human chuckled, but no softness or friendliness laid in that laughter. “Even humans should understand what I mean with that statement. You’re like rabbits, forming your families faster than a tree can grow even half of its size, and you ask me to clarify myself about my family. Who lived here, huh? Who lived here and was tortured by the humans, chased out of her own home?”

Sakura and Naruto were immediately convinced. Only Sasuke held up his katana, tip directly aimed at the woman’s heart.

“So…” His visible eye squinted. “You’re the dryad who fell in love with a human, only to abandon the child of that love.”

The wrong words to say. The entire clearing came to life. Grass like steel curled itself around the ankles of the three, trees stretched out their branches to capture them and a few pitiful rests of fire vine tried to sneak up Naruto’s shins, thorns bristling like the tail of a furious cat.

“How dare you?” Hissing and showing unnaturally sharp teeth, the dryad spat out. “How dare you to think I’ve abandoned her! My own lifeblood, my own sapling! She was always safe inside the forest! She was always protected by nature, by weather, by animals and the plants, but she left! That was the protection of a tree looking out for its smaller sap! You know nothing, understand nothing!”

This was not good. The dryad was obviously in distress, her arms shaking with every breath she took, the plants coiling tighter and tighter around their ankles. While ripping secretly at the grass, Sakura tried to defuse the situation with all she had left: her inborn ability for empathy. “I’m sorry for my teammate,” she started off, glaring at Sasuke for his brash words, “he doesn’t mean it. He’s… well, like a blackberry bush, I would say.”

“A… A… blackberry bush.”

“Yes?”

Thankfully, the dryad stopped. Their ankles weren’t assaulted further, but the pressure also didn’t ease up. She cocked her head to the side, knotty part of her face where eyebrows would be drawing together. “Girl, do you try to appeal to me with this choice of your words?”

Sakura shrugged, even though her nervousness ran as cold sweat down her back. “It’s certainly worth the try, don’t you think? Besides, I understand that you are protective of (Y/N). We also want to protect her from the village. They think she was the one to send them the trees and change the behavior of their animals.”

The dryad snorted. “The humans in that village? Why would they believe my daughter would be able to do this? She never was able to call the trees and nature like only a full-blooded dryad can.”

“They’re… a bit deluded. A lot, actually.”

Sakura was already wondering how long it would take until Naruto wasn’t able to keep his mouth shut any longer. Furiously, he was trying to break free and only a pointed glare from the healer stopped him from bringing out the Kyuubi to free himself by violence.

“Where is (Y/N)? Do you know where she went?” he asked dejectedly. “We really worry about her, believe it! And there’s someone waiting for her back in our hometown; someone who also wants to protect her.”

Again, the dryad cocked her head to the other side. “You want… to protect her?”

“Yes.” Naruto nodded. “We want to protect her, maybe even give her a home in Konoha if she wants to. But she’s angry about something, so we at least would like to know what made her this angry to understand her better.”

For a moment, the dryad seemed to consider his words. Her expression softened, the green eyes drifting off into the past. Maybe back to her encounter with the one human she fell in love with.

Suddenly, the grass around their ankles fell away, only to return into its original softer and harmless state. There was no apology in her expression as the dryad turned again to the hut, barely out of reach of the burned and salted wood.

“We dryads don’t lie. There’s no need to. So, seeing that the human race is so fluent in that concept confuses us. Though, I think you’re honest, bearer of the Kyuubi. You don’t have the wits to lie into my face.” She crouched down to hover close by. Small flowers of chamomile grew where she set her feet and touched the ground, right around the area where the first tongues of flames destroyed nature so thoroughly.

Naruto beamed. “Thanks!”

Sasuke sighed. “That wasn’t a compliment, dobe.”

“You’re just too negative, bastard, believe it!”

“We just want to find her,” Sakura inserted herself between the two constantly fighting and bickering friends, “to make sure she’s alright. Do you know where she went?”

To their disappointment, the dryad shook slowly her head. “I can’t feel her presence any longer. That is what I know. Due to my blood, she was always connected with the forest as long as she stayed close by to some trees, but now, I can’t feel her anymore! She left the forest, that is all I can say.”

“Which direction?”

The dryad hesitated for a few seconds. Her moss-green eyes mustered all of them from head to toe, the endless knowledge of something way older than all of them together living inside her eyes.

Then, one of her branch-like arms rose to point north-west. “There. She left in that direction. In a straight line, you can’t miss it.”

Sakura lowered her head. “Thank you.”

“Your words mean nothing. Thank me by making sure she’s alright. And tell her,” the dryad paused, only to nod like she didn’t even need to think of her words anymore, “tell her the forest will always accept her with open arms. She will understand.”

With these cryptid words, the dryad straightened and wandered back between the shadows of the trees. She didn’t look back once, but every step left another patch of young plants in its wake. Chamomile, mint, even some flowers which were clearly out of season.

First, they looked after the mysterious, supernatural being, only for the teenagers to look into each other’s eyes.

“Finish that report,” Sakura mumbled as her suddenly weak knees made her crumble to the ground, “and send it off to Kakashi-sensei as soon as possible. This can’t wait.”

For once, Sasuke didn’t question her orders with a side-glance or a secret eyeroll. No, instead he indeed sat again down into the grass to pick up the paper and finish the report, even though his handwriting was maybe a little bit shakier than usual.

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Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Kakashi raced once more through the shakily written report, still not fully comprehending fully what he just read. It was almost like he just witnessed a terrible plotted plot twist in his Icha-Icha-novels, with the horrifying element of (Y/N)’s burnt down hut being a cruel reality.

Fuck. Simply and utterly fuck.

His hands shook as Kakashi lowered the weathered report onto his cluttered desk. He simply couldn’t imagine (Y/N)’s hut, her house, the home she poured all of her time and sweat and blood in, not existing any longer. The slightly askew roof, the massive, smooth stone ground, the self-made table and chair, the rustic atmosphere which showed her personality so clearly it jumped into his eyes as soon as he set his first step into the hut.

Thing was, Kakashi couldn’t imagine (Y/N) existing without the hut. Apart from it, yes. But completely without it? No.

Kakashi drew a sharp breath in. Fuck, what happened when she found the crime scene? Did she cry? Was she calm and quiet as she slowly stepped closer and tried to take in what her eyes were showing her? Did she scramble through the ashy remains, desperate for any kind of surviving memorabilia?

His fault. Also his fault that (Y/N) lost her home. He should’ve never dragged her away from her hut. His fault for dragging her away, his fault for not considering the villagers anger, his fault for not taking measurements to protect her home.

He failed yet again, it was as simple as that. His stomach grew into a tight knot, aching and pulsing in guilt and shame, sending burning acid into his throat and making him retch.

(Y/N) lost her home due to him. Kakashi grimaced and swallowed the stomach acid down. The slight burn was just what he deserved. Hell, he deserved way more than that.

While the man leaned back into his chair and tried to order his thoughts, the Hokage office started to spin around him. Just like a playful roundabout. Round and round and round, faster and faster. Door, the pictures of the previous Hokage, the windows showing the peaceful landscape of Konoha, a potted plant. Door, pictures, windows, plant. Door, pictures, windows, plant, door, pictures, windows, plant door pictures windows—!

Kakashi gasped. No air. He shot up from his chair. He needed, fuck, he needed some fresh air. Everything, all of it. His white coat billowing behind him, he jumped over to the window. His fingers desperately pried themselves into the small space between window and frame. Pain slashed through them, dull and sharp at the same time. Finally, the window gave in. Chest heaving, clawing into every breath like it was his last, Kakashi flung his upper body outside. The colder winter air hit him square in the face.

Not enough. Still not enough. The mask, usually a second skin, was ripped off by throbbing fingers.

Finally.

Trembles ran through his entire body as he hung there, stomach pressing into the window frame, hands clawing into the wood, mask pooling loosely around his neck. Kakashi tried, really tried to control his breathing, swallowed dryly, tried again. His thoughts were jumbling and tumbling around, falling all over themselves. He tried so hard to control the panic rolling over him, but he was just a small boat in an endless dark ocean, unable to see the land through the high waves towering over him.

Only after several minutes of dry heaving, Kakashi blinked through the tears in his eyes and was able to see the street below through the dark spots dancing in front of his vision. Though, his fingers shook as he pulled himself into a vertical position again, one of them already turning a deep purple as he balled them into a tight fist. A new wave of pain throbbed through his hand. A low sigh dropped from his lips, before Kakashi slowly lowered himself back into the chair, eyes closed and back of the head hitting the backrest. His movements resembled the ones of an old man, careful and hesitant, and he also felt like one.

Panic attacks had been a recurring thing of his youth, befalling him whenever it was most inconvenient. Such an intense yet short one, now, years after the last, was a sure sign his equilibrium had been shaken up to the very core.

Not a good sign. Definitely not a good sign.

A few more minutes, Kakashi’s breath was still slightly accelerated, his heartbeat was the tiniest bit too fast and his fingers still weakly trembling like leaves in the wind. Kakashi grunted under his breath, a little foolish grin tugging at the corners of his lips. Nothing like a panic attack to keep his pulse up.

My dark humor won’t help me out of this ditch. Neither will it help (Y/N).

(Y/N).

Where is she now?

Again, Kakashi reached for Sasuke’s report, his eyes jumping quickly over the lines. No word of her current location, no sign of her around the hut either. Surprisingly, (Y/N)’s long-lost mother appeared, and the shinobi leaned slightly forward. A dryad, in this day and age. According to the report, they considered the forest as a whole as their territory and were able to single out targets as long as they were inside that considered territory.

Did her mother feel (Y/N) all the way to Konoha? They never really left the woods and Konoha was surrounded by trees. A cold shudder wandered over his back at the implications. Such a gigantic, massive territory, not caring about country borders or human laws and treaties as they were not human… The dryads were a far more powerful folk than he could ever imagine. Starting a fight with them or inciting their anger didn’t seem like a wise choice.

Just like the villagers in (Y/N) old town did.

Either they picked themselves up by the bootstraps and made peace with the dryads or had to be relocated. Knowing Yundai and his ableist ways, there was only a minimal chance that he would reconcile.

Another problem for another day. A sigh dropped once more from his lips, before Kakashi buried his face in his hands. The pressure of his palms felt nice against his eyes, the darkness soothing him strangely into a state of almost-peace. If not for the constant questioning of (Y/N)’s whereabouts, Kakashi would nearly be at ease.

Where are you, (Y/N)?

Are you happy now?

Chapter Text

As soon as you left the highest mountains of the Land of Earth behind you, the temperature started to pick up. The fields widened and flattened until you were walking along a small path between vegetable fields where farmers looked up from their hard work and waved. Nice, honest people, who were not above giving you some of the smaller produce if you helped them out for an hour or two. The water was fresh and clear, the beds in the inns cozy, and the food always fresh directly from the field and to the table, making traveling through the Land of Vegetables easy and affordable.

A nice change after the constant hiking and sleeping in caves.

But your feet carried you further onward; further and further through the small country. Soon enough, the lush green of the fields changed. The earth became looser, less nutritious and lighter, the green faded into a sandy brown, until all you could see in front of you was sand over sand over sand. 

You had never seen nature like this before. The only thing you knew were greenery and trees. Seeing this wide wasteland of sandy nothingness, merely divided by a thin path of slightly harder earth, stretched out right in front of you was unsettling, a new experience; one you didn’t want to miss under all circumstances.

Hot winds hit your face as you buried your nose deeper into the wrinkles of the scarf. Nevertheless, little sand pebbles hit your forehead, the bridge of your nose and your temples. Sand was already creeping under your clothes as well; the heavy coat tied up and stowed away so the fabric didn’t make you sweat.

A few days after you left the Land of Vegetables and entered the desert, an oasis crossed your path. At first, you thought it was an illusion at the horizon as your feet carried you slowly towards the small heaven of palms and huts. The closer you got, the more details you could make out, and when you stepped over the invisible line parting the town from the unforgiving desert, you couldn’t hold back a sigh of relief.

Wandering through the Land of Wind was harder than you anticipated.

Your first worry went to water; the second to appropriate clothing. Thankfully, a caravan of merchants recently stopped in the town as well and were gracious in selling some of their goods to you. Barely an hour after you entered the oasis, you were the proud owner of a new water flask and some light clothes—fitting for a long walk through the desert. You had a light shawl to cover your shoulders, head and lower face properly, with wide, billowing pants in a rusty red, in addition to some light, long-sleeved shirts and light boots. Of course, the sand would still somehow creep into your clothes, but at least you tried everything in your power to stop it. After you got everything you deemed necessary, you continued to wander off to the small marketplace, idly looking at one stand at a time, marveling at the different trinkets and goods the merchants were selling.

“Where are you planning to go?”

You looked up from the different minerals and stones displayed by this particular merchant; a middle-aged woman with deeper wrinkles than her age engraved into her face. She had her arms crossed in front of her chest, but was slightly leaning forward, the interest clearly showing on her face.

“You don’t look like you’re used to the nomad-lifestyle,” she continued, “the way you had to buy all of your equipment from us. You also didn’t haggle a lot.”

She had watched you as soon as you stepped onto the market. You cocked your head. Interesting and scary at the same time. “It’s true,” you answered, “I just started my journeys.”

“A tip for a newbie, then: always haggle, but don’t undersell the merchants. They remember you and make coming to a new town harder than necessary.”

“I will try to remember.”

“Good.” The woman huffed. “But you didn’t answer my question. Where do you want to go?”

“The Moon Kingdom.” The answer just tumbled off your tongue without much thinking. “I heard it will be nice there.”

“True, true. You might be lucky and get there in time to see the celebrations of the birthday of the young king. That is, if there are no sandstorms or bad weather on the ship ride.”

“I’m not going there to see the celebrations, though.”

For a second, the woman paused, only to break into hoarse, rough laughter. “Aaah, yes. You're going there to see the Moon Kingdom. My bad, my bad. The travel spirits are strong within you.”

You had no idea what that meant, but accepted the compliment nevertheless with a nod. “I just want to see the world, though.”

“Sweetheart,” the merchant shook her head, “we all want to see the world. That’s why we travel around! Anyway, do you want to join us when we leave this evening? We will stop by the port town which has some cruises going out to the Moon Kingdom and travelling the desert alone is dangerous.”

The offer was… Was acceptable. More than acceptable, it was a great offer. You were pretty sure travelling alone through this harsh environment was going beyond anything which you knew about, and these people definitely knew what they were doing. Still, you hesitated for a terribly long second, before slowly nodding your agreement. “Yeah… I think it would be the best choice. Thank you.”

Her sudden harsh, bellowing laugh made you flinch, but you controlled your face again when the eyes of the matron opened, her feral grin still on her face. “Good to know you’re cautious! Some travelers underestimate the desert, some overestimate themselves. Welcome to the caravan; my name is Niko and I’m kind of the unofficial leader of this group! Come here, come here!”

Niko’s smile was infectious. Her wide gestures, the open nature, the few grey streaks in her brown hair which was held back by a bandana, the crow feet crinkling whenever she moved a muscle in her face—A roguish appearance through and through, weathered through wind, weather and the hot sun. She even passed a quick check with your radar; the emotions clear of any negative emotions besides curiosity and interest.

Time to carry on and travel further. Whatever you would see and experience next with your own eyes, you would appreciate it to the fullest; to the bottom of your heart.

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The team followed the suggestion of the dryad, crawling through underbrush and thorny bushes in a straight line. For days, they followed the vague hint, their mood dropping further and further—just like the temperatures. Their breaths came out as little clouds of whiteness, the grass would be colored white as well by the early-morning rime, and the more Sasuke checked the map they carried with them, the more they worried.

“She’s running away, as far away as possible,” Sakura mumbled as she peered over his shoulder. “From us, from Konoha.”

“From Kakashi.” Sasuke agreed, folded the map and placed the piece of paper back in his bag. “Doesn’t matter. We will find her. It’s just a matter of time.”

Like that, they carried on, gritting their teeth against the impending cold settling into their bones. As soon as they hit the first paved road in days, Naruto howled out in victory before jumping onto the even ground, without any thorns, poisonous ivy or dangerous nettles waiting for him.

None of his teammates had it in them to scold him. Both were also relieved beyond imagination they finally left the woods and could finally see the day of the grey light reflecting in the snow. A new problem opened up for a mere second, until the sudden greening of a long dead branch of a tree gave them a hint to go further north. The three of them had the urge to wave at the woods as they left them behind, now that they knew they were always, always watched while walking under the protection of the leaves.

Even though they travelled now on an actual road, the high snow, the winds whipping through their hair and ice coating the smooth stones slowed their search down further. The Land of Iron really wasn’t known for its beautiful climate and nature, after all.

“You really think we will find her?” Naruto asked several more hours after they hit the road. In the distance, they could see some lights. A village was ahead; promising warmth, shelter and maybe crucial information. Information about (Y/N), hopefully. If she even walked in this direction or stopped at the village. No one know how much her sudden regression to her old personality influenced her decisions.

Team 7 in its entirety were shuddering and sniffling long before they reached the local inn. The snow somehow snuck into and under their coats, making their clothes clammy cold and drenched with sweat at the same time. To say they were relieved to get out of the cold was an understatement, and the sight of a warm meal and something nice to drink definitely made the teens walk faster. When they finally stepped over the doorframe, bringing a wave of cold, gushing snow and wind into the comfortably warm room, all of a sudden, the attention of the entire inn was on them.

“Why are they staring at us?” Naruto mumbled through clenched teeth as his infamous beaming grin split his face.

Sasuke grunted. “The Land of Iron never implemented the shinobi-system. Instead, they have the Samurai, so seeing a shinobi out in the open is a new sight, deadlast.”

“Shut up, bastard.”

“Shut it, both of you.” Sakura hissed. Together they walked deeper into the room. Still, the attention of the entire room was on them as they stepped up to the bar where an old, round guy with an impressive mustache was in the middle of preparing some deliciously smelling food and a just as old, elegant woman wearing a high bun with pride poured some kind of alcoholic beverage into three mugs. Sakura knocked gently on top of the bar, breaking through the tense silence like thunder clapped through rain.

“Hello there. How much for a night in your inn?”

They didn’t answer immediately. The old guy mustered them from head to toe, his eyes staying for a second to long on their easily visible headbands, before he finished chopping the carrots and poured them into a huge, steaming pot.

“At this time of the year, we offer our rooms for a few coins. The snow is harsh to every traveler and makes the journey hard enough. You share a room altogether?”

“Oh no.” Sakura’s laugh echoed slightly in the air. “A separate one for me please, and dinner for us three would be nice.”

Slowly, after the people realized they were just travelling through and would leave tomorrow again, the noise levels rose again to the appropriate level of a busy tavern. Barking laughter surrounded them, a drum and guitar tried to improvise a fast song, voices overlapped and mixed with each other until they all were mashed together into a happy, excited ocean surrounding them. This inn was obviously the hot spot for the small town, made for the farmers to relax after a long day on the field and to meet up and support each other with stories and food.

The mustache of the old man curled in a smile, though Sasuke noticed the hard glint coming to life in his eyes. “Alright, alright. I will show you your rooms whenever you want, but I can also prepare some stew first. My name is Hiroshi by the way and my wife here is called Moriko. If you have a question, then don’t hesitate to ask one of us.”

Before Sakura could gently lead the conversation towards a possibly travelling through woman, Naruto barreled right through every subtle approach at information gathering. Loudly, for the entire inn to hear, maybe even chasing away a few mice which found a safe haven in the few undisturbed corners of the house, he asked: “Did a woman with a really grumpy expression come through? We’re searching for her. Her name is (Y/N), so if you saw her, it would be so great to tell us, believe it!”

The steely glint in Hiroshi’s eyes grew more prominent; so prominent even Naruto picked up on it. Nevertheless, he shook his head, before turning once more towards the pot hanging over a small fireplace.

“Haven’t heard this name before, I’m afraid. Lately there haven’t been many travelers, and I also don’t remember someone with a particularly “grumpy” expression. Light of my life, have you?”

Moriko seemed to think about it, before also shaking her head. “Unluckily, it seems we can’t help you. I also haven’t met the person you’re looking for.”

Sasuke and Sakura shared a quick glance. The old couple was maybe practiced enough to fool civilians, but far off of fooling a shinobi. They lied right into their faces about not knowing (Y/N), both of them were sure of it.

Though, the question was: why did they lie? Why were they trying to throw Team 7 off of the scent of (Y/N)?

Definitely an interesting mystery to solve.

While Sakura and Sasuke shared this silent agreement that something was definitely wrong, Naruto was in the middle of already gobbling down some freshly baked, warm and steaming bread. The smell of onions and meat was in the air, making their empty stomachs grumble too loudly to ignore any longer.

“Hey, Sasuke-teme, Sakura-chan! You have to try this awesome bread, believe it!” The blond shoved the half-eaten, thick slice into their faces. Little crumbs were strewn all over the spot of the bar where he stood, but Hiroshi didn’t seem to mind the mess. In fact, the old man was shaking his head with a real, calm smile at the antics, but seemed pleased by the excited reaction to his or his wife’s cooking and baking skills.

They tried the warm bread. They also tried the stew, cooked with different herbs, meat, carrots, potatoes and a thick, creamy, white base, filling their stomachs faster than any bowl of Ichiraku’s ramen could. Sakura also tried to gently prod more into the issue by asking perfectly innocent questions, but every time she would try to inquire about travelers at this time of the year and strangers passing by during the last months or so, Hiroshi or Moriko would just as gently evade a strict answer by derailing onto the bad weather and the heavy snow storm they had two weeks ago or would blatantly continue to lie into her face.

When they were sated and the exhaustion of a long day creeped up on them, Sakura waved at Hiroshi to catch his attention.

“I think,” a yawn interrupted her words, “we’re ready for our beds. Would you be so kind as to show us the rooms, please?”

The old man complied with a nod. Up the stairs they went, the wood creaking beneath every single one of their steps, past the first two rooms on the right and left, up the very end of the hallway.

“Here, to the left,” Hiroshi flicked his hand towards the mentioned door, “we have a double single bed room and on the right,” another flick towards his right side, “and here’s a single bed room for the young missus. Later on, I can bring you some warmed up bricks if you want that?”

“I would love one.” Sakura smiled at the inn keeper.

Naruto seemed tempted, but hearing nothing from Sasuke, he obviously didn’t want to be seen as weaker or more subjected to the coldness. Thus, he preferred to suffer silently.

One look at him, and Sakura rolled her eyes. “And one for him too, please.”

“Sakura-chan, I don’t need a warmed-up brick!” he whined.

“Stop being a baby and just accept it. Otherwise, you might crawl into Sasuke’s bed while sleepwalking or some other stuff I really don’t want to imagine.”

He was still pouting when Hiroshi only nodded and turned his back towards the team as he climbed back down the stairs. The shinobi’s eyes followed the old man carefully, until his steps were muffled enough to be sure he wouldn’t hear them.

“Alright,” Sasuke nodded to Sakura, “I will go back down and see if they are nervous by now. You two go to your rooms and act like everything is normal.”

“Why are you going?” Naruto whined. He was still miffed about Sakura’s initiative, with crossed arms and his bottom lip jutting out in a clearly visible pout, despite the poor lighting up here. “Why can’t I go?”

Sasuke didn’t spare his rival a single glance. “Because you’re just as stealthy as fireworks in the deep of an ordinary night. Stay quiet and let me do this in peace, idiot.”

The blond just wanted to start a massive argument, but Sakura intervened by clamping down a hand over his mouth and glaring with the power of her entire being at him. “Just be quiet! This mission isn’t like our usual missions, got it? There’s no brute force involved, no fight to win. We just have to find all the information we need, and Sasuke is the best man for this job as he already has experience with that! Get that into your blockhead, will you!”

Her harsh words were only slightly softened by the gentle fist bumping into his shoulder. At their antics, Sasuke only rolled his eyes as he sneaked back down the way they came from. Back down into the full bar, hiding in the crowd like no one else of his teammates could, before quickly forming the finger seals for the jutsu of invisibility and sneaking even further—up to the bar. Hiroshi was busy placing stones into the fire beneath the heavy pot, before waving at his wife. They shared a glance, only to wander together into the backroom, only parted from the loud, noisy part of the bar by a thick curtain.

Made it way easier to eavesdrop on their conversation. With ease, Sasuke maneuvered through the rowdy crowd. He had done this so many times it felt like second nature to him, even though most of this experience was collected under Orochimaru’s orders. Not his best times, clearly. At least, he could now use these skills for good, for Konoha, instead of the selfish goals of a man who desperately tried to become immortal, no matter what it took. 

When the teen reached the curtain and leaned forward to catch the spoken words, the whispered conversation between the couple was already in full swing.

“… Konoha shinobi searching for her?”

“Does that truly matter?”

“It does, my dear. It certainly does.”

“Aah, you old dwell of negativity. She’s not a criminal, I can feel that!”

“Then why are they searching for her?”

“I don’t know. However, I think she ran away from there. She wanted to get away, as fast as she could, remember? Asking me how far away that shinobi village is and being really relieved about the distance.”

A low cough, muffled in a hand and behind a thick mustache. “Think so as well. She had that hunted expression in her eyes. You know, the same other samurai have when they quit their position.”

“Do you think… Do they want to catch her?”

“But again, for what and why? It makes no sense.”

So, they knew (Y/N). She stopped at this inn, talked to the old couple, and they decided maybe out of their own volition to hide that fact from Team 7. Silently, Sasuke stepped away and left the brightly-lit and noisy bar. His teammates needed to know what he found out, in order to form a new strategy how they would act from now on.

Deep down though, Sasuke was impressed by the fact the distrusting, wary (Y/N) managed to rope these two people into lying for her. He had no idea how she did it, as they apparently had no idea about the entire story behind her blind flight out of the Land of Fire, and thus, it was quite an impressive feat.

When he told Naruto and Sakura about his findings, the two boys automatically looked at Sakura to find a potential solution to their problem at hand. Both of them had no idea how to actually interact with people in a “normal” manner and had to learn that over the years they worked together as a team.

To their surprise, instead of acting immediately, the girl smirked at them, full of confidence and knowing mirth. “Oh, we have them in our hands now. It’s so easy for what we have to do now.”

Confused, Naruto glanced at Sasuke, who matched his internal confusion. In unison, the blurted out: “What do we have to do?”

However, she didn’t tell them her plan, just smirked and told them to get out of her room so she could get ready for the night. Apparently, they wouldn’t act right now and just stay where they were, safe and sound in the middle of the snowy hell the Land of Iron was all the time.

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The heat, you learned, wasn’t even the worst part of travelling through a desert. The worst part was maybe the abrupt temperature change when the night fell over the wide planes of sand and dunes. Or maybe the constant onslaught of the elements; the wind and the sand hitting every bare patch of skin they could reach and the sand creeping underneath your clothes to rub your skin raw. Even when you didn’t like every single second of it, seeing the endless ocean stretching out ahead and behind you, only interrupted by the caravan, was a fascinating sight to see. Definitely something you wouldn’t have seen if you stayed in your forest.

Or in Konoha, a little mean voice whispered in the back of your mind. Staying forever and ever with Kakashi, the liar.

A deep breath in, a deep exhale rushing through your nose. He wasn’t of importance. He didn’t matter. All that mattered was you; you and your well-being—emotionally and physically.

After a few days of travelling alongside the caravan, you had built up a rhythm together with Niko, who was nice enough to allow you on her cart. First thing in the morning you did after waking up would be to break down the small tent she lent to you. Nothing big, just barely enough fabric to cover your entire body from the sand, insects and ever-present winds. Then, you would eat something the older people of the caravan made in their big pots, if you weren’t already helping them cook or search for another task you could fulfill. After the breakfast was done, the caravan would quickly leave their position and travel until the sun stood high on the sky. The temperatures would’ve risen to the point of being unbearable for humans and animals alike; and none of the merchants were cruel to their partners. Thus, the hottest part of the day was mostly spent trying to relax in the shade of the carts. Only when the high temperatures would again start to sink, the sun lowering itself so late in the day, the caravan would travel a bit further, until the sunlight faded completely. Then, the parties began.

Yes, the parties. The merchants were an almost-obnoxiously-merry folk, you found out. They loved to dance, talk, drink and listen to the improvised band they always had going on only a few minutes after the last cart came to an unsteady halt in the loose sand. The music was nothing like you ever heard before; floating like the wind, heavy like the sand and yet not like either of them in between. It was hard to describe, but you couldn’t help yourself but to rock weakly from side to side while listening to them, hidden away in the shadows of the night and your own tent.

More than once, Niko attempted to drag you into the crowd to make you socialize, but you always declined as gently as possible. You just enjoyed the silence in your own head for a bit, while the party was a pleasant background noise a few meters away.

Besides, you had your own little agenda under the wide starry night sky.

Unbeknownst to the merchants—and thus, thankfully unnoticed—you tested your powers. At first, you started off by playing with the sand, forming little figurines and views of mountains and trees. It was hard, nearly as hard to shape water, but after a while, you didn’t get a massive headache anymore every time you even dared to make a single figure of your old hut. When you thought you got a good grip onto your dormant gift once more, you attempted to try out new things. You only knew how to “attack” with your powers, but was there a way to possibly protect yourself from the sand and winds? At least, that was your thought process as you tried several methods, shapes and forms. In the end, you settled onto a simple bubble which pushed away the sand, but let some of the wind through. A difficult balance, not easy to maintain, but the long journey gave you enough time to perfect this new technique, to the point where you could subconsciously hold onto the little bubble for the whole day, before you had to ease your grip onto your gift. Or else.

Niko must’ve been suspicious of you at some point, but again, she didn’t comment on it. Only once or twice, you caught her secret glances at you when everyone else would be busy shaking out their clothes to get rid of the ever-present sand. Everyone else but you.

Two weeks into the journey, barely a few days away from your goal, your suspicions were confirmed.

The caravan stopped for the midday break, the sun beating onto your heads with unrelenting strength. You were in the middle of setting up your own tent in the shadow of Niko’s cart when suddenly the high neighs of a panicked horse, the unholy cracking of wood and screams echoed through the air. One look towards Niko, then you stumbled after her as the middle-aged woman sprinted across the sand dune to the place of the accident with the surprising agility of a much younger person.

You reached the place of the accident a minute after her, breaths heavy and already exhausted from having to run in the sand. The sight unfolding right in front of you though was bad enough for your blood to run cold. 

Bright crimson was running and drying in the planes of the never-ending sand of the desert. Deep furrows were drawn by the wild hooves of the obviously injured and panicking horse, its hind legs trapped by the wooden construction of an entire cart; pretty obviously the reason why the horse initially fell over. The driver was way too close to the nearby sand dune, and everything—from a harsh gust of wind to the loudly thundering flaps of a nearby tent—could’ve scared the horse, which ended even the last little bits of fickle balance the cart possessed.

Niko was already barking at one of the despairing people trying to grapple for the edges of the leather that tied the horse to the cart. “… irresponsible to stand this close to the edge of the dune, we all know how dangerous it can be! I gave you one of my horses because yours died, and now I possibly know why it did!”

The spider-like man, his arms and legs gangly and face hollow, was sweating that much even his light clothes started to show signs of his nervousness as they flattened against the plane of his chest and his sides. “No, really, no, Niko. That wasn’t my fault, it was an accident, the sand—!”

Niko growled. “Stop with your excuses! I’ve had enough! Last time someone mentioned to have seen red streaks on my horse’s back, you said they were just from the leather and the unusual cart! Be hopeful it will survive this accident, otherwise I might just abandon you out here!”

Your stomach tightened. Abandonment out here in the desert sounded too much like the punishment you suffered under back in your old village, but knowing the man was possibly a serial offender of treating a lent horse with unnecessary cruelty and possibly endangered such a valuable resource, doomed it with death…

A horse was needed to pull his cart. The cart was their entire life; their home, their haven, their income of money. If you lose your horse, you lose. And being abandoned out here, in the desert with no oasis or town nearby was most certainly a death sentence.

Your eyes wandered back towards the horse. It laid splayed out on the side, part of the cart having fallen on its legs, the white coat and mane matted by sweat and blood. Despite the injuries, the animal still struggled, the muscles in his neck moving relentlessly as it tried to get up time and time again. A useless struggle. Your heart bled for the poor thing, caged by the circumstances of the entire damned situation.

It didn’t deserve to die here. Not here, not like this, full of pain and fear and blind panic.

Niko was still busy screaming her voice hoarse as you reached out to tap her on the shoulder. “I can maybe help here.”

She threw her arms into the air. “No, you can’t! The sand is the problem here! We can’t move this shit cart because we can’t get any good footing, so my horse is stuck under there and can’t be treated properly! It’s a lost case, just give up.”

“And what if it's not? What if I can push the cart upright again?”

“You can certainly try, but don’t give yourself too much of a hard time if it doesn’t work.” She shrugged weakly. Apparently, her short outburst was already over, as Niko resigned to the situation with the quick thinking of someone who already had seen worse over the long years and travels. “The legs are probably broken as well, so I don’t know if it’s even worth it.”

That was enough for you. When you turned to the cart, the merchants parted before you as you stepped closer. The horse was still blinded by its panic, so you probably had to calm it down first before attempting to lift the cart off its legs.

Carefully and aware of all the eyes on you, you stepped closer to the animal, cooing and murmuring senseless sweet nothings in the weak hope it might give you a little head start. “Good horse. I know, I know, it hurts. I’m going to make it better, so calm down, just calm down. Sssh, yes, just lay there for a bit and I can lift the cart and look if you have any serious injuries, okay? Sssh, yes, just like that… You’re doing great. Fine horse.”

Maybe it helped or maybe it was just your imagination, but when you were close enough to reach out and touch its neck, the horse really seemed a bit calmer. Or maybe, it just tired itself out after minutes of useless struggling. Its breath went by in heavy and drawn-out waves, eyes exhausted and blind as you creeped closer.

When you kneeled down beside its head and your fingers brushed over the sweat soaked fur, the horse didn’t even react. Just the weak angling of its ears into your direction indicated that it indeed noticed your approach, but the pain and the panic were still too great to do more than breathe.

Your own voice continued to murmur meaningless things as you softly carded your fingers through the mane, not caring they became dirtied by thick, hot blood and sweat. Your entire mind was on the cart, trying to find a way to lift it without hurting the horse further.

You know, there’s only one way. You knew it from the very start.

Yes. But that won’t make it easier for me to accept it.

You had to lift the cart alongside the horse. Otherwise, you might cause more injuries to the horse if you attempted to either lift it first or lifted the cart first. No, you had to lift the cart and gently tug the horse out from beneath the wood, as careful as possible as you had no idea how severe the injuries were. You also had to sever the leather tying the horse to the cart in between, as you couldn’t see how bad its state was and could only properly move what laid in front of your very eyes. 

“I need a knife,” you spoke up gently as to not spook the horse further, “as sharp as possible, and start to prepare some cloth to clean this horse’s wounds.”

Murmurs grew louder, steps inched closer, then the handle of a dagger inched over your shoulder. You looked up, right into Niko’s wrinkled, sorrow-filled and hopeless eyes.

“I can help,” you tried to assure her.

“Sure,” she answered, but her voice was flat and uninterested. She had given up on the horse, on this living being who did nothing wrong except being lent to the wrong person.

Again, your fingers stroked over the neck of the poor thing. No, you wouldn’t give it up. You wouldn’t leave it all alone with only the pain as its only friend; only for it to die out here.

With your gift, you pulled at the knife. Niko felt the tug and her eyes went wide. Gasps grew in the crowd around you as the knife floated into the air, only to start cutting off the visible strips of leather, gently tugging at the leashes and bridle until the leather fell away in a heap of useless strips.

Lifting the cart was not harder than trying to build a roof all on your own. Though, the absolutely fine control you needed to exert in order to cut through every part of the bridle as you saw them as the wood slowly lifted up into the air was excruciating. Cold sweat started to run down your neck, soaked your clothes and ran down the curve of your spine as you continued to mindlessly murmur, your fingers still stroking in an easy rhythm over the horse’s neck.

Finally, when you thought you cut away enough to start pulling, the cart stopped in the middle of the air. And slowly, oh so slowly, you moved the sand beneath the horse. Like a landslide, the ground moved, carried the animal out of the deathtrap without putting a single strain on its already damaged body. Once or twice, you had to stop to cut through more leather, but even these breaks were nothing more than seconds passing by. 

It was heavy, just so goddamn heavy. The strain on your mental prowess was excruciating as you tried to not jolt the house very much, to control and lift the weight of a full grown stallion alongside a cart filled with goods, but the soft whimpering neigh brought you back to focus, as though it was telling you: I'm alive. I want to live.

You had no idea how much time had passed when the horse was finally out of reach of the cart. You just knew you had absolutely no more mind to care for the cart as you dropped it back into the sand. More wood splintered, a new gasp went through the crowd, but you didn’t care. Black spots danced in front of your eyes, your mouth tasted of ash and blood and there was a chime of bells ringing in your ears which just wouldn’t vanish. And you were tired, so tired. You wanted nothing more than to close your eyes and sleep. Sleep for a whole day and maybe a little bit more. However, arms laid suddenly around your neck and a disbelieving laughter erased the sound of bells ringing in your ears.

“You mad woman, you absolute miracle, a godsent! Thank you, oh, thank you so much!”

Niko. It was Niko in her usual heartfelt and loud manner. Though, her words were laced with the heaviness of tears and sobs wrecking her body as she was pressed against your back. “I thank the gods for you being here! A miracle, a goddamn miracle!”

With the most effort you ever put into such a simple task, you kept your eyes open. The horse was still lying there, but none of the legs seemed to be broken as they already moved through the sand. A last pat to the neck, then you allowed yourself to fall backwards, right into Niko’s arms.

“Is the horse alright?” you murmured hazily. Gods, your throat was too dry. You needed some water, a drink, just anything to wet your tongue and throat.

Niko laughed yet again, and only seconds later you realized that this laughter was answer enough. “Oh yes, it is! Just some cuts and bruises. The sand bolstered the legs and the little monster must’ve had more than luck and the protection of a saint that the cart didn’t smash any bones. Fuck, how can I thank you? Money? Food? Booze? Hell, I would gift you the horse if you asked!”

Some peace and quiet would be nice, you know. So I can sleep.

“Nothing,” your tongue struggled to form the words, “I want nothing. It’s alright.”

“Oh, hell no! Come, come! We need to celebrate! This was insane, how did you—?”

“Just me,” you mumbled, “it was just me. Fuck, I just want to sleep right now…”

The bone-deep exhaustion crashed into you with all its might. You could feel yourself nodding off already, your head falling forward once or twice as Niko gently propped your upwards and guided you back to your tent. At least, that was what happened as you had no recollection later on of the way back. The only thing you felt before you fell asleep was the merciful softness of your backpack under your head, before drifting off into deep, undisturbed slumber.

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“Good morning!” Sakura was awfully cheerful the next morning after they found out about (Y/N)’s connection to the old couple. She was the first one to gracefully descend the stairs and enter the bar, Naruto and Sasuke trudging after her while exchanging worried glances.

She’s too happy.

Way too happy. What the hell is going on?

I don’t know, idiot, but we better watch out what will happen here.

For once, we agree on something, bastard.

The old lady called Moriko stood behind the counter like she never went to sleep, the dim light of the morning sun shining through the snowed-in windows and still not enough to illuminate the room alone. Candles were lit all around the room, a fire was burning in the nearby stack and the second fire beneath the pot behind Moriko was also already burning, the flames crackling like they were happy to be alive and warming their surroundings.

Moriko looked up, single strands of her greying hair falling into her face despite the tight knot on top of her head. “Good morning, dear shinobi.” Her head tilted downwards, not more than a few inches, before she went back to the task of brewing some kind of strongly smelling tea. “What can I do for you this early? I’m afraid you have to wait for my husband to wake up as he is the cook of this little inn…”

“Aaah, it’s alright.” With a little wave, Sakura slid onto a stool and placed her arms on top of the smoothened-out wood. “I would love to get some tea, though. If you don’t mind…?”

Moriko didn’t, showing in the way she nodded at the girl and reached under the counter to grab a bucket. When she vanished outside, Sakura winked at her teammates while her feet dangled in the air, legs crossed and obviously so comfortable in her skin and intentions she didn’t even worry that Naruto and Sasuke had no clue what she was planning.

While Moriko worked away at melting some snow from the outside to get more water for tea, Hiroshi emerged from upstairs, eyes twinkling already in restless energy as he noticed the three youngsters.

“Good morning,” he tipped an invisible hat towards them, before strolling behind the counter to press a sweet, little kiss to Moriko’s cheek, “and a wonderful morning to you as well, the most beautiful flower in the garden of my life.”

“Aaaw, you old charmer.” Moriko giggled like a young girl, blushing and wiggling out of his embrace. “Not in front of our guests!”

Still unnervingly calm, Sakura smiled at the old couple. “Aah, no! Keep on flirting, it’s really refreshing. It’s so cute to see you two together! I just hope…” She paused for a second, only to sigh with a little shake of her head. “It’s just that our sensei… he… he’s really down at the moment." A quiet pause in thought before she winced in realisation. "Ah, sorry, that isn’t really interesting.”

“Oh my, that doesn’t sound too good.” Moriko managed to escape the embrace of her husband, still weakly smiling and shining with the oh so obvious love she carried for him. “Love problems, I assume then?”

“Oh yes. Really terrible love problems. There was a terrible, terrible misunderstanding and she left the village quite abruptly.”

Hiroshi and Moriko exchanged a quick, alarmed glance. “Oh. That’s… disturbing to hear.”

Sakura nodded slowly. “Yeah, it’s just… Kakashi-sensei can’t go out on his own, being the new Hokage and all, so he sent us to find (Y/N) so he could apologize to her. With her being terribly mistreated by her old village, he just wants to make amends, you know? Seeing you two just reminded me of them, that’s all. They were also awfully cute together.”

More reachable panic from both of the innkeepers. Their glances could almost be felt in the air, asking and arguing in tacit silence, discussing the possible further actions and finally, the fateful decision and giving in.

“You know,” Hiroshi spoke up, and his mustache almost seemed to deflate a little, “we have to admit…”

“We haven’t been completely honest to you,” Moriko continued, kneading her own hands, “Actually, a (Y/N) has been here. A few weeks ago, in fact.”

“We picked her up shortly before the huge snow storm…”

“And she helped us out a bit by clearing the street to our village from an old tree which toppled over.” The old woman shook her head. “She left the next morning, and we handed her a map and some winter clothes. She seemed very determined to leave Konoha behind, though.”

“You said she was mistreated by her old village? Oh no, my dear… No wonder she seemed so distrusting of us.” Hiroshi’s eyes were glazed over. Both of them seemed hesitant and felt deeply for the lone woman with how they stood close together; Hiroshi’s hands had settled onto Moriko’s shoulders as her hands clutched in front of her chest.

Naruto jumped forward, excited at the new trail teasing them right in front of their eyes. “Man, you helped her? This is so nice of you, believe it! Do you know where she went? Then we can definitely find her and if Kakashi-sensei apologizes, they can be happy together again!”

Though, when Hiroshi shook his head again, Naruto’s cheerful expression dropped just as fast. “Unfortunately, we didn’t inquire further. She asked me for suggestions and I gave her some tips of which countries might be worth a visit, but we have no idea if she really followed these suggestions. Though, she ventured further south, towards the border to the Land of Earth.”

Sasuke rolled his eyes. “How do you know that?”

“Took the road in the very direction of the Land of Earth and there is only one road. We’re not a huge country, shinobi.” There was soft scolding underlying Hiroshi’s words, like a grandpa scolding his youngest grandchild about one misstep in behavior. Again, Sasuke rolled his eyes, but left it at that, which was already a huge improvement in his usual grumpy and defiant behavior.

However, when the team looked at Moriko, the old woman’s face still showed her concern and worry for the lone hermit wandering the continent. As she opened her mouth to speak up though, the teens realized she was not only worried about her, but also for her.

“You, boy. You say your teacher and (Y/N) will be happy again if he apologizes. I don’t know what he has done, but let me tell you: if she really suffered enough under her own people to leave a happy relationship behind, then a mere apology won’t do what you’re hoping for. Mark my words, young lad. Mark my words, as I can only see disappointment lying ahead if you’re truly this naïve.”

Chapter Text

When you finally arrived in the port town which would be your gate to the Moon Kingdom, you were nearly glad to get away from the caravan. The people (and Niko especially) were friendly and did flick-flacks in their attempts to please you after what you did to help the horse, but as you weren’t used to all this kindness, the constant attention grated on your nerves. Thus, the goodbye was definitely filled with a mix of good and bad emotions as you waved at the group you learned to like along the way, before turning to Niko.

“Thank you for accompanying me,” you reached out your hand, “it was nice to travel with you.”

To your surprise, Niko slapped your hand aside, only to envelope you in a bear-hug. Her strong shoulder shook in laughter as she felt you tense up. “Oh man, you’re one to talk! We’re so glad you were with us! You miracle-worker, you!”

Her eternal gratitude made you blush. You really didn’t do anything special! Nevertheless, you allowed the hug to continue, even hugged back after a few more seconds. It felt… nice? Niko was such a massive wall of a woman, all hard and edges of years of travelling wrinkling her face. You never expected her hug to be this comforting and… well, nice.

Maybe, you even clung to the woman for a little longer when she tried to let go. Only maybe.

“Alright.” Niko wasn’t fazed by your clinginess. In her eyes stood understanding and warm friendliness as she patted you on the shoulder. “What’s your plan now? Still going to the Moon Kingdom?”

“Yeah. From all the stories the caravan had, I really need to see the beaches there.”

“And taste the food! The seafood is from a whole other world, believe me.”

A smile tugged at your mouth. “Yes, indeed. The food as well.”

“If you get a cruise today, you should even be still in time for the last three days of the festival in honour of the young king’s birthday.”

“Good to know.” Quickly, you let your eyes roam over the nearby line of boats. Only the tiniest bit of a promise of the ocean could be seen behind all the masts and sails and bodies of mightier ships, so to get a full view of the wide sea was one of your goals in your short stays in this port town, anyway. “Well, then… I guess I have to get going.”

Niko nodded weakly. “Yeah… I guess you should. To be punctual, of course.”

“Of course.”

Before you knew it, Niko sneaked in another hug. Quick and a little bit rushed, but then the other woman let go again, her crow’s feet deepening in her smile. “Man, kiddo. I don’t know what’s going to be ahead of you, but I’ve the feeling it’s going to be incredible. Continue to be open to all new experiences, aight?”

“I will try,” you gave back, “otherwise travelling would be pointless, wouldn’t it?”

Niko nodded one last time, waved and turned away. You watched her go back to the caravan, a colorful group of people who all waved when they noticed your stare, before dissolving in a heap of animals neighing, people shouting over each other and Niko barking orders to overcome all the shouts and give some sense of direction.

Shaking your head with a weak smile, you picked up your baggage, backpack and other stuff and hoisted it up onto your shoulders. No matter what this port town would throw at you, you felt more than ready for it. You managed to travel through the desert! You could manage everything else just fine.

But first things first. The haven was waiting, the ocean winked at you just behind all the ships and boats. A shade of blue you had never seen before as you weaved your way through the people doing their business and living their lives. Just a few more steps. Onto the pier, avoiding the many sailors running past. Stepping over the many ropes tying the boats to the land and stopping them from floating away. The scent of salt and the screams of seagulls laid in the air as you took the last steps over the pier and reached the very end of the wooden road.

The ocean laid right in front of your feet. You could see for miles and miles on end: the blue wide mass spread flat out. For several moments, you just stood there, breathed in the calm air and looked ahead. Ahead of you, with nothing in your way and unobstructed by the surroundings. This, you realized, must be what true freedom felt like. Anything and everything seemed possible in this moment. Months away from your birthplace, unknown by the people around you, not judged by their stares and whispers, you simply stood there in the moment and admired the thin line where the ocean bled into the sky. Two different shades of blue; one light and airy, the other heavy and promising secrets lying right underneath.

You never had seen such wild, mysterious beauty before. Not in the woods and not up in the mountains, neither in the desert. The sea was possibly the most exciting and beautiful thing you discovered so far. So far away from anything you knew it could only be great.

“Oy, missy! What’cha doing standin’ there all gloomy an’ fickle?”

A rough voice, seasoned by the winds, weather and—without a doubt—the sea itself, erupted right behind you. When you turned around, you had to hide a little grimace. Behind you stood an older man, probably the most comical depiction of a sailor you ever could’ve made up (build by some strange scenes in Icha-Icha-novels, no less). A ratty wide captain’s hat sat on top of his bald head, his wide clothes showed some holes and the badly covered handle of a just as beaten-down saber just like the rest of his appearance. His beard was nowhere near as neatly trimmed and cared for as Hiroshi’s, even though the length was pretty impressive. The last bits of it ended only at his belt, matted black, frizzy hair curling in loose locks. The man swayed from side to side, which could be due to the very obvious wood stump he had instead of his right leg or because he was so used to the waves of the sea that walking on land felt now funny to him.

“Ye, missy!” he called out again, “I talk to you! What’cha doing there?”

“I’ve never seen the sea before. I admired the view.”

“Ah, so you a land-dweller.” The man scoffed. “Eeeh, anyway, you lookin’ for a cruise to the Moon Island?”

Immediately, your hackles rose. What did he know about your travel plans? “Yes…?” you answered.

“Don’t be that gruff. Lots of wanderers in this town wan’ to go to the Moon Island. Lots of sun, nice beaches. Good booze, too. I’m a capt’n of my own little ship and we lookin’ for some people to ship over. For a lil' coin, of course.”

He gestured over his shoulder. You followed his gesture and your eyes laid upon one of the less impressive ships in this harbor. A simple ship, small and with two dark-blue sails, sat there, tied to the pier. More sailors dressed in a similar style as the “capt’n” ran around, their hands full with ropes, boxes, buckets and all other kinds of things which were probably useful on a ship. A small group of other travelers already waited on deck, measured by their own heavy backpacks and worn-out, dusty look.

As nice and peaceful as the scenery was, something in your guts twisted at the sight. Something was fishy here, and it definitely wasn’t the sea air burning your nose. You didn’t know exactly what seemed so inherently wrong to you about the whole thing, but something was just ever so slightly off.

A check of the capt’n’s colors maybe would ease your mind. But in fact, it didn’t ease your feelings in the slightest; no, your suspicions rose to immeasurable levels. The sneaky shade of yellow, the worrying color of deceit and lies and non-personal harm riddled his soul like no other color you could spot. This man was driven by money and knowing he had no problem to harm others only made you more wary of him.

With a little shake of your head, you declined. “Sorry, but I’m not quite clear yet how I want to go from here on forward. Thank you for your offer, I appreciate it.”

To your surprise, the man only laughed, shaking his head that the damaged feather on his hat trembled and lost even more of its composure. “Aah, no worries, missy! Remember, we'll leave tomorrow at dawn and need ten gold from ya in advance. Twenty more when we arrive at the Moon Kingdom. Travel is around a day, we don’ provide food of any kind. You can find us ‘ere if you change your mind.”

The rhythmic beat of his wooden stump against the pier accompanied his walk as he swayed back to the ship. You watched him bark orders and the other sailors followed his command without question. So, that was the truth, he was their capt’n, their leader of some sorts. Though, you were still suspicious as you turned away and walked back down the way you came from, still checking the colors of the capt’n and his subordinates. They all showed the same kind of ugly yellow, and the queasy feeling boiling deep in your stomach didn’t ease up.

Yes, maybe it was really better to count your money, get everything sorted out and planned well before making any hasty decisions.

Turns out, a passage to the Moon Kingdom at this time of the year was expensive and definitely over your budget with any capt’n or ship not as shady as the first one. Lots of people wanted to cross the ocean to see the festivities, enjoy the drinks and beaches and the apparently pleasant warm sea water. A longer stay to wait out the festivities and a drop of prices was also out of the question as the prices of the inns were maybe just as bad as the prices of the passage on the various ships. You definitely weren’t happy about it, but after a long night in an overfilled inn with several beds squeezed into one room, you got up early, packed your bags, bought a bit of food for the long day ahead of you, only to walk down the same pier you walked down the day before. The sun didn’t even fully rise yet, but the first rays painted the dark blue into a beautiful purple, pink and the first shades of orange.

Indeed, the dingy ship was still there. Sailors were already busy preparing the impending departure, just like yesterday when you saw them the first time. Other travelers you also saw yesterday also waited on the wooden path, chatting among themselves. Only a few of them looked up to watch you coming closer, only to quickly return to their conversations. A face among many, just another traveler. Damn, you liked this anonymity way too much.

Like your arrival woke him up, the capt’n showed up on board his ship. Still, you were way too wary of him than to trust his friendly smile and the wave of his hand as he greeted the crowd in front of him. One hand on the railing of his ship, he was the utter display of friendliness.

“Welcome, dear guests! Come on board and search for a place to sit, we will leave in a bit. The ones who haven’t paid their fees yet or haven’t booked a spot on our cruise, please pay up before entering the ship.”

Slowly, the crowd started to climb the small plank, one by one, and you—with the queasy feeling down in your stomach—entered the queue, still hesitant about paying anything to the man and still knowing you wouldn’t be able to get where you wanted otherwise.

“Aah, the missy is back.” The capt’n smiled with way too little teeth at you. “Guess no other ship made the cut?”

“Not really.” Still hesitant, you dropped the pre-counted money into his open hand. You watched how the coins were further dropped into a small bag hanging at the loops of his belt. Today, the saber was openly displayed by his side, prominently hanging right beside the tightly filled purse. Your eyes dropped to the sharp metal, only to fly upwards. The capt’n noticed your discomfort, but his toothy smile was still not comforting you in the slightest.

“’s for protection. Pirates are cruising the sea as well, aye.”

“Aah.” You nodded. “Is this ship in danger of getting attacked?”

“Nah. Should be fine.”

More bells went off inside of your head, but you kept calm and smiled like his answer satisfied you in some way. Quickly, you brushed past him and entered the ship. The entire crew wore sabers by their sides, and as you looked around, you realized how dangerous a robbery far out in the ocean could be. No way to run away, no hiding spots. You were literally at the mercy of these sailors.

None of the other travelers seemed to be worried as you joined them. They chatted away and only gifted you short, mildly interested glances, before returning to their light conversations. “Joined” as in, sat down a few meters apart from them and leaned against the railing. Well, nothing to be done about it now. You could defend yourself if necessary, your powers weren’t limited by being so far out. If something happened, that is.

We will see. With a low sigh uttered under your breath, you crossed your arms and leaned your head back against the wood, while the waves gently soothed you into a light sleep, still aware of your surroundings and watching out for any kind of possible danger coming from either of the crew or the other travelers.

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(Y/N) was travelling faster and with less disturbances than originally believed. Even the wide desert of the land of Wind apparently hadn’t been a problem to her. When Team 7 arrived at the first major oasis every wanderer had to enter from the direction of the Land of Vegetables, they quickly found out about her purchases and the caravan she joined. A good choice to make, with her being a lonely traveler and the desert lying ahead of her.

Only shinobi were able to safely travel through the harsh conditions in smaller groups. Civilians had to rely on other people, on water and food, on animals to carry all their belongings with them.

“It’s just strange,” Sasuke ignored dutifully a gaggle of girls who broke into giggles while passing by, “she hates strangers, yet decided to join an entire group of strangers to travel through the desert.”

However, Sakura had no predisposition against glaring at the still whispering and giggling girls. Her sea-green eyes threw thunder and lightning at them, before turning away and crossing her arms over her chest. “I think she just weighs her options very carefully against each other. Knowing she wouldn’t make it on her own through the desert against her dislikes against humans. She was always that cautious.”

“True.” The teen sighed deeply, then squared his shoulders with a determined shrug. “Idiot, found anything useful running around and charming the townspeople?”

While Sasuke and Sakura had tried to find out something from the local merchants with constant stores in the area, they sent off Naruto to mingle with the people. Doing what he could best, essentially.

Of course, Naruto jumped on the chance to fight with his long-time nemesis. “Fuck off, bastard,” he instantly retorted without missing a beat, “and you’re lucky I made some new friends with some great information, otherwise I would totally beat your ass like I did in the Valley of the End, believe it!”

“Where did you beat my ass, you imbecile?”

“Uhm, in the moment you gave up?”

“I didn’t give up, my arm was blown off!”

“So was mine!”

Before the fight could escalate further, Sakura stepped between them, the mirth and exasperated exhaustion standing oh so clearly in her eyes. “Girls, girls… You’re both pretty. Now, Naruto?”

Her expectant look and her dangerously curled fists made the guys fall silent. After a moment of silent contemplation and agreement to continue their arguing later, Naruto answered with his usual enthusiasm. “Okay, so, I talked first with some children who wanted to see my Rasengan. Then, their parents told me that showing off my jutsu probably wasn’t too smart and we talked for a bit and they told me that there is a caravan which regularly makes their way through the desert and probably could tell us more.”

“The caravan is here?” Sakura was already looking around, hoping to catch a quick peek at the procession, but Naruto shook his head, so her hopeful expression deflated quickly.

“No, not here. However, they’ve set up their camp right outside of town, so we can meet them there!”

For once, Naruto did a great job in gathering information. The caravan indeed set up a camp right outside of town, their tents and carts formed into a loose horseshoe-formation. Horses grazed in the distance on a rare patch of grass, children ran around and played, their laughter ringing in the air. In the middle of it all was a middle-aged woman, all hard edges and sharp lines of a travel-experienced civilian, a bandana wrapped around her head and only a few wisps of sand-colored hair, barking orders and expecting the people around her to follow them.

When the small team of shinobi approached her, the woman fell silent. Cautious and suspicious, she mustered them from head to toe, only to get stuck at the headband with their village affiliation. If possible, her dislike became even more visible on her face.

“What do you want, shinobi?” Her voice was raspy, rough, weathered by wind and rain and sand. “We have not done anything.”

“Woah there.” Sakura smiled, already preparing for a confrontational conversation. “First off, my name is Sakura, these are Naruto and Sasuke and we’re not looking for you. We’re looking for a friend of us. Maybe you—!”

“I don’t know her.” And just like that, the woman brushed them off, turned away and didn’t even pretend to not be unfriendly.

They all shared a quick glance, before Sakura stepped closer. “No, I think you misunderstand. We don’t want to capture her or anything, she’s a friend of ours and we’re worried for her.”

“If you were truly her friends,” another non-impressed glare met them, “then you knew how to contact her on her travels.”

“You see, the problem is that we had a fight and she kind of bailed on us before we could apologize. Her name is (Y/N), really suspicious of everyone around her…”

“I don’t know a (Y/N),” a big fat lie, her earlier answer betrayed her, “Never heard of anyone like that.”

“(Y/N)? Niko, of course you heard of a (Y/N).” A child stopped close by, ball still in its chubby hands, innocent eyes wide and questioning. “(Y/N) raised the cart and saved your horse! With her magic!”

Niko scoffed, but the cat was already out of the bag. So, (Y/N) travelled indeed together with the caravan. However, that she showed her gift to these strangers and helped them out was definitely a new development neither of them expected.

“So…” Sakura looked smug enough to annoy even the most peaceful of people. “Say again you don’t know (Y/N).”

“Fine,” Niko shrugged, “I know her. But I’m not going to tell you where she went.”

“The townspeople said you just returned from a port town,” Naruto chimed in, oblivious to the poisonous glares the caravan leader gifted him, “the travel took you three weeks or so. There are no other stops along the way, just desert and a few towns with an oasis to fill up on water and some food.”

Now, Niko glared at them outright, with hate in her eyes and a scowl tugging at her mouth. “Right,” she growled, “only the port town. Right.”

“HAH!” Naruto pointed at the woman, all triumphant satisfaction. “So, (Y/N) is in that port town, believe it!”

“No.” Niko’s sudden grin made the teens first despair, only to come to the realization that (Y/N) being in a port town could only mean one thing: she wanted to get on a boat.

Fuck. If she was on a boat and they took too long on their journey through the desert, she could be anywhere on the continent.

Without looking back at Niko, Team 7 shouldered their bags. They had a long way ahead of them and every second counted now.

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So, she chose travelling.

Kakashi allowed himself to ease up, even smile while he continued to read the report written in Sasuke’s clear, sharp handwriting. In his darkest dreams, he had expected the worst, his team finding nothing or a rotten corpse, but of course, (Y/N) managed the challenges the world threw at her beautifully—and without a problem. She enjoyed her life to the fullest, and that was a great thing.

Seeing the world, meeting new people, living through new experiences. All of that which would enrich her life, make it greater, wider, bigger. She was finally truly free, not caged by the expectations of her old village or the false sense of inferiority they installed in her.

Not caged by my different traumata, nightmares and other social shortcomings.

“So, what’s the report about?” The doctor leaned back into his chair, the wide, comfortable shirt billowing around the thin frame and clipboard in his hands. The pencil spun around his gangly fingers in an impossible speed, before coming down and scribbling a short line onto the evaluation papers for Kakashi’s mental health.

Probably something along the lines of “smiles to himself while reading mission reports, need more info”.

A grimace formed beneath his mask. “It’s about… (Y/N). She’s travelling around, seeing the world.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

For a moment, Kakashi considered not answering or straight up lying into this man’s face, but then he remembered the face (Y/N) made when he lied into her face and the foul feeling growing deep inside his stomach returned.

“I’m happy,” the words fell hesitantly off his tongue, “I’m happy for her. For all her life, she lived in the forest. Seeing the world is a good step forward.”

“Of course. Travelling and widening your horizons is a great way to experience life. Though…” Kakashi cursed in his mind when the by now familiar expression of worry came to life on his therapist’s face. “I can’t help but to think you maybe thought about your own problems and what caused her to start travelling in the first place. Am I right?”

Kakashi stayed silent. Sometimes, he believed the doctor to be part of the T&I department. There was no way he could know that much without reading his thoughts at every possible second.

But according to the limited information Kakashi had, this man was a civilian, though highly decorated, qualified as well as secretive and thus tasked now for the second time to evaluate and help the mental health of the Hokage. This man had also been Tsunade’s crutch when she needed it. At first, Kakashi just thought these weekly visits would be a new hindrance for his quickly filling time slots. Just another waste of time, but at this point, he would try everything to get over the nightmares plaguing him.

The new nightmares of (Y/N) staring at him with empty eyes, a bloody hole in her chest, his own arm stuck through it. No, he didn’t need them, didn’t want them.

Thus, the visit to the therapist as his last, vain hope. And surprisingly, he felt better. Not by a lot, the nightmares still showed up, but Kakashi liked to think it was a start.

He nodded, once, twice. “Yes. I thought about my… inability to open myself up to other people who are not bound to secrecy by a professional agreement.”

“And you think, if you knew back then what you realized now, would you still act the same way?”

“No.” The answer came without a hint of hesitation. “I regret what I did to her. She didn’t deserve that treatment. She deserved communication, answers. Anything but my silence.”

“Well, then.” The therapist lowered his clipboard. Even turned upside down, Kakashi recognized the doodle of a human scarecrow when he saw one. Hell, he doodled himself some over the years, mildly amused at the resemblance to his name’s keepsake. “That is definitely a good step into the right direction. But I’m afraid that for today, your time is up. Next week, same time. And isn’t there a meeting you have to get to?”

A quick glance outside and the stand of the sun outside and Kakashi jumped out of his own, way too comfortable seat. Right. He couldn’t afford to be late for this particular meeting.

“Right. Thank you for your time, doc.”

The therapist waved at him, but Kakashi already jumped out of the window, the white coat he took to wearing these days billowing behind him like the wings of a dove. No, he absolutely couldn’t afford to be late, as this meeting was the reason he had been so cold to (Y/N) in the first place. The reason he chased her out of Konoha, to get her to a supposed “safety” which didn’t even exist for her in her old home.

The process and judgement of Orochimaru, and the council of elders, for conspiracy against Konohagakure; betrayal and treason.

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The capt’n and his crew were definitely up to something and they would enact their plans soon. You could feel the tension in the air like a skunk came to life nearby. None of the other passengers though seemed to feel the leers at their luggage, the quick glances shared between each other, the little suppressed grins the entire crew wore on their faces when they thought no one was looking.

But you were looking. Looking and watching them how they went on with their day as you leaned against the railing, the ocean splashing in rhythmic waves against the ship, the sun shining and not one cloud crossing the sky. On the outside, it was perfect. You loved being so far out, hearing nothing but the water, the cooler winds and the groaning of the sails. The smell of salt and seaweed in the air, the wind whipping around your head and tussling your hair no matter how hard you tried to tame it, the ever constant up and down of the waves rocking the ship. However, watching out for the start of whatever would happen got tiring after an almost entire day.

Besides, if these sailors wanted to act, they should do it soon. If they didn’t take a huge detour, you should soon arrive—!

“Land Ahoy! Land Ahoy!”

Finally. Like every other traveler, you scrambled onto your two feet to peer over the railing. Really, there, in the far distance. The massive shape of an island peeled itself away from the horizon line. Gods, it would be so good to get away from this boat and the bad premonition and the sweaty people.

Just when you turned again around to settle back into your position to wait out the rest of the way, the plan of the crew revealed itself. The sailors were already up and running around, drawing back the sails. A murmur broke out in between the other travelers, until a young man (sand-colored hair, slightly too big ears, yet fairly handsome) stepped forward, all outraged confusion.

“What are you doing? We haven’t reached the Moon Kingdom yet!”

No one reacted to the shout. Instead, the sailors even started a song, singing about the rough beauty of the sea and how they wouldn’t switch their lives even if they were offered the life of a king. Though, considering the greed living in their souls, that wasn’t entirely true.

“Hey!” The young man stepped forward, shaking his fist at the nearby capt’n. “I asked you something! Why are we stopping! We paid for a full cruise to the Moon Kingdom!”

Before the young man could blink, the older man placed the tip of his saber in a clearly practiced motion right beneath his adam’s apple. His hand was steady, his eyes calm as he mustered the traveler, before his lips broke into a wide, toothless grin.

“Steady there. You’ll get to land just fine. Swimming and without your things, that is.”

The lone idiot was still running his mouth off, snarling and biting, even though everyone could see the first drops of nervous sweat running down his temples. “Damn pirates! We heard rumors there are some around these parts, but to think you’re so shameless to actually pick up people directly from the harbor—!”

A twist of the capt’n’s surprisingly nimble hand, and the saber dug a little bit deeper into the delicate skin of his neck. “Aye, we’re the pirates. Heard of us, huh? Well, then you know what’s goin’ to happen. Hand over all your valuables, then you can swim the rest of the way. Shouldn’t take longer than a few more hours. Who knows, maybe you make it before the night falls?”

“You bastards!” Another voice rose from the crowd; female and breaking around the edges. “I can’t swim!”

More people spoke up, obviously distressed, nervous and encouraged by the young, idiotic, stupid man who had spoken up first for them.

“I can’t swim either!”

“What are we going to do?”

“You can’t do this! I’m a merchant and the Moon Kingdom is my last hope to make some money before the winter comes!”

“All of you, shut up!”

Tense silence fell over the people. A harsh bark of the capt’n was all it took to make them fall silent, scared into submission and knowing there was no winning against an entire crew of pirates. Even the young man opted to stay silent, even when you could see it took every ounce of self-control for him to not open his mouth and spit the insults he surely had on his tongue into the older male’s face.

The capt’n finally lowered his saber the tiniest bit, just enough to not be an immediate danger anymore for the self-proposed hero. His grin was sickening you to the core, the disgust crawling down your spine with every further word the capt’n spoke.

“Alright, now that I’ve got ya attention, I’ll tell ya how’s going to go from here, aye? You leave your stuff right where you placed it and walk right over the lovely plank my crew just prepares. Anyone who fights,” suddenly, his expression grew darker, almost sinister, “can feel how sharp I keep my saber.”

Okay, that was it. After a moment of composing yourself, brushing the front of your clothes off and thinking about what to say, you moved to stand. All the while, the other travelers were whispering among themselves, too nervous to say anything, but when they noticed you walking towards the capt’n, they all fell silent.

The older man seemed clearly amused. “Oy, missy. Want to be the first one to jump?”

“Not really,” you immediately retorted.

“Want to save this lad here, then?”

“Kind of, I guess.”

“Caught your eyes, missy?” His expectant look turned into a leer, making the disgust even stronger. “Want to save his pretty skin?”

“I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-feet-pole.”

“Ohooo, a lover’s quarrel!” Whistles erupted around the boat. “How heartbreaking! I can’t stand to see young lover’s fighting!”

The capt’n was obviously joking around. Not in the sense of not robbing them and making them swim to the Moon Kingdom, but with the threat of killing them himself. Alone the glances the rest of his pirates shared, paired with the quickly covered smiles, told you they just enjoyed the panic of their victims way too much to quit the drama.

“Quit this nonsense,” you called out over the waves of laughter, “I give you one chance to drop your weapons and bring us the rest of the way to the island. Otherwise, you force my hand to take the command of this ship and hand you over to the authorities when we get there.”

Of course, the crew broke into a new wave of laughter. Again, you barely kept from rolling your eyes. Gods, you were so sick of this theater. One look at the young man still being threatened, and you knew you couldn’t stop here.

Cold sweat was clearly visible on his forehead even from your own position a few inches away, the skin beneath suddenly pale and almost see-through. His reactions were a feast for the pirates, who broke into hoarse laughter at his pained, scared face as well as your own indifference to the situation which they mistook as anger at your “lover”.

After a few more moments of disgusting laughter, the capt’n wiped a fake tear away with his free hand, while the other still holding onto the saber didn’t even tremble. “Aah, that was a good one. How about you go the first on the plank? And your little prince here can’t help nobody, missy! He will save you for sure when he’s done feeling the shit running down his legs!”

You had to keep yourself from rolling your eyes into the back of your head. Were all men really like this? Like bulls, running forward and charging in without seeing and feeling anything else than their own balls?

Not Kakashi, a traitorous thought whispered, Kakashi wasn’t like that. He took you seriously.

This is neither the right place nor time to think about him in any shape or form.

This is the perfect time and place, you just didn’t realize that yet.

No!

No, it wasn’t. You shoved every conscious thought about Kakashi, Konoha and possible “what-if’s” aside. They didn’t matter now. Not anymore.

You were important; you and your own well-being.

Speaking of…

Technically, your well-being was threatened by the pirates, wasn’t it? So, there was nothing speaking against some righteous self-defense, in order to maintain your health and untouched state. A totally valid reason to intervene.

You also weren’t sure if your swimming experience in flat rivers was enough to carry you over to the Moon Kingdom, so there was that.

The very moment their own weapons flew out of their sheaths to turn against them was probably also the moment for a few of the crew to never sail the seas as pirates again. Even the capt’n looked like he would consider his further career a lot when his own saber shook itself free and pressed the very tip into the same spot which he chose to scare of the dumb young man. His head tipped backwards, the beard revealing more of the vulnerable neck, the saber just a thought away from spilling his blood all over the freshly scrubbed deck of his own ship.

Thankfully, he wasn’t aware how much the mere image of killing someone sickened you.

“I warned you,” satisfied the situation was this quickly under your total control, you allowed yourself a little smile, “and now, you’re going to continue this cruise until we’re in the harbor of the Moon Kingdom. Then, when everyone leaves the ship first, we’re all going to the authorities where you will describe in detail all of your crimes; calm and nice and quiet.”

So much for the relaxed cruise to the Moon Kingdom.

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The harbor was overflowing with people, and yet the teenagers had trouble finding someone who saw (Y/N) and maybe even remembered her, which was highly desirable in their situation. Though, even when Naruto amped up his charm, even though Sakura acted as a buffer for the more anti-social tendencies of Sasuke, even though Sasuke tried to keep away from direct confrontations and leaned more towards silent spying, even after three days, they didn’t find a single clue where (Y/N) went.

The trail threatened to get cold before they could even catch a glimpse of the wandering hermit. Needless to say, the three of them were slightly panicking (as much as Sasuke showed any signs of panic). Until at the end of the third day, the team assembled itself once more in Sakura’s single room at the inn they were staying at (the horrendous prices be damned) to talk about this day’s results. Naruto was in the middle of describing how he tried to talk his way through all the sailors down in the bar area, when suddenly, a hawk landed on the outer windowsill and knocked with its beacon against the glass.

Sasuke was the first one to react. While Naruto stopped mid-gesture and Sakura stared with wide eyes at the bird, the brooding teen opened the window and allowed the messenger bird (measured at the small capsule attached to one of its legs) to jump onto his forearm. He didn’t even flinch when the sharp talons dug into his skin, just gently nudged the falcon under its chin. The hoarse coo the bird let out made Naruto squeal.

“What the fuck, Sasuke? What are you doing?” the blond boy asked, hiding behind Sakura. “Just get the message!”

Not one bit of acknowledgement for Naruto’s squeals. Instead, Sasuke seemed to put his best efforts into tenderly greeting the bird before actually reaching for the message tied to its leg. His slender fingers uncurled the slim paper, his eyes quickly flying over the shortened words and sharply written letters.

“We just missed her.” He finally answered after a few tense minutes. None of his teammates said anything, just watched how he walked over to the desk, scribbled a short replay on the back of the letter, only to retie it to the falcon. A few seconds later, the bird rose into the dim evening-sky, its wings carrying the animal back to Sasuke’s strange dwell of information.

“How…?” Sakura gestured towards the window. “What was that? Who was that message from? And what do you mean, we just missed her?”

Sasuke clicked his tongue. “It means just that; we missed her. (Y/N) left this town on a pirate ship approximately three weeks ago. Then stayed for two weeks on the Moon Island, only to return a few days ago and left the town again into the direction of the Land of Tea.”

“And how do you know that?” Sakura leaned forward on her chair. “Who is your source?”

“Suigetsu. An old teammate of mine,” Sasuke added after his current teammates shared confused looks, “You know, from the time when I… tried to kill my brother.”

“Oh. These teammates.”

“I asked them to keep their eyes and ears open, just in case we miss something and send me a message in case they hear any kind of info about someone like her. And, if I read that correctly, (Y/N) subjugated a crew of meddlesome pirates while she was here, as well.”

“Wait, what?” Naruto piped up, sneaking a glance over Sakura’s shoulder. “(Y/N) did what now?”

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Just when you thought you couldn’t escape further from the influence of Konohagakure and its damned inhabitants, you were proven how wrong you were. Hell, you hadn’t even thought about Kakashi and Team 7 in a while, too captivated by the different wonders of your travels to care much about the “what-if’s” and what not. No, like the true shinobi they were, they sneaked back into your head only to attack viciously under the flag of surprise.

You were only wandering around the capital of the Moon Kingdom. A beautiful port town, lots of seafood and sun, the ocean just a short walk away. You had never seen beaches like this before, all white sand and high palms, softly rocking back and forth to the ocean breeze. The smell of fish, salt and something entirely different than the forest laid in the air; that different in fact that you simply had no words to describe it.

(Definitely something like “freedom” or akin to it, but you were also pretty sure it didn’t fit perfectly the feeling you tried to describe.)

As you wandered through the town and admired, well, simply everything; the small food stands with all kinds of fried, cooked, pickled or simply salted seafood, the fountains with all the seahorses and fishes and mermen (and women), the beautifully built houses with the wooden construction showing on the outside, a stark contrast against the blinding white walls—you had the misfortune of stumbling over a small statue. A statue in the middle of a small park, a little oasis of green, exotic flowers mingling with palms and bushes, lush grass only cut through by neatly paved ways, laid out in the pattern of a star.

Right in the middle and framed by different kinds of waterworks, sat the stony doppelgangers of a younger Naruto, Sakura and Kakashi. Another boy with a bowl-cut was also present, and you vaguely remembered to have spotted a similar boy once or twice by Gai’s side. One of his students, probably.

They were all in different battle stances, like they were fighting an eternal fight against the evil forces trying to attack this peaceful island. Even though you tried to walk and look away, your feet were drawn to the statue like a moth was drawn to the deadly flame.

Up close, you noticed a few discrepancies. Sakura didn’t have these huge, childish eyes which took up almost all of her face. Naruto was slightly cross-eyed. The boy with the bowl-cut (you were pretty sure his name was “Lee”) seemed a little strange in itself. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it. Maybe the obscenely bulging muscles? Maybe the absurdly bent knees and arms? Something along these lines.

The worst (or best?) was Kakashi. The sight of the high and mighty shinobi in something close to a clown costume was simply and utterly hilarious. At the sight of the stony and still frustratingly masked face, you paused.

No time like the present, I guess.

Were you still angry? You tried to peer into your own soul for a satisfying answer, all the while staring up into his eternally scowling face.

No, you found. The burning, fresh and bleeding wound the man opened with his actions was closed by now, scarred over and not aching any longer. Weeks, months—it had been a damn long time since that incident. However, there was still a huge pile of frustration and anger left. So many questions still left unanswered. Why his changed behavior? Why did he decide to sell you out in the end? Did he fake to be in love with you the entire time? Had anything been real?

You were frustrated with his stubborn silence, angered at the insistence of closing himself off even though you opened yourself completely to him, disappointed he didn’t speak with you. Hell, he knew almost every little detail about you, but you knew nearly nothing of him.

Every last detail, while he didn’t even tell me his favorite color or something.

Well, not entirely true, your brain chimed in. What about the nightmares? The revealing of his father’s suicide? Is that nothing?

Almost nothing, in comparison to what he knows about me.

Besides, you didn’t want to know only the dark sides. You wanted to know the good and the bad and all in between, not only the few shades of bad he allowed you to see.

Though, it was over anyway. There would be no big reconciliation, no big meeting to make up, no clearing up of answers and unspoken feelings finally revealed. Kakashi made his bed and now he had to lie in it, just like you had to lie in the bed he made for you.

Some things—you mused dryly as you gave the stone-Kakashi a grimace—would never be uncovered, no matter how much a question (or a huge bundle of questions, in this case) weighed on the mind.

Maybe, one day, you wouldn’t need to put a lock on the happy memories you made in Konoha to not ache constantly. Maybe, one day, you could look at these memories and ignore the dark shadow Kakashi’s actions casted over them. Maybe, one day. But today was not the day. You weren’t in the mood to allow more theoretical thinking about the highly impossible “what-if’s” to practically ruin your day in this beautiful environment.

A last condescending look to the statue, then you turned away and left the small park, not looking back and pushing this small memory to the other memories of Konohagakure and its people.

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Kakashi spent a lot of his time alive traveling. Packing for a long travel without a clear destination certainly was one of the things he could do best. Usually, his method to pack his bags for these kind of long-time missions was as clean and neat as his entire life: step for step, Kakashi would sort his clothes, food, a map and weapons into the different compartments of his backpack, only to sort out if he needed any special items to fulfill his mission.

This time though, there was no clean method. He stuffed his clothes deep into the backpack, piled some extra socks just for good measure on top. Some shuriken, some kunai were dropped on top and slipped to the side, surely piercing through the material of his trusty backpack as soon as Kakashi would shoulder the bag. The cherry on the literal top of the stuffed pile was way too many packages of beef jerky in all kinds of different meaty flavors.

The process against the council was finally over. Weeks of hearing their flimsy arguments, defense, counter arguments and discussions, only for them to be thrown out and the council to be replaced by the various clan heads of the different clans living inside and around Konoha, together with three civilians to represent their share of the community. Without a doubt, this council would give him a serious headache in the future, but Kakashi couldn’t bring himself to care less in this very moment.

He was free to go. He was the Hokage, after all. He could make the rules and if necessary, bend them even to his will if he saw fit.

Sending Team 7 had been a knee-jerk reaction. If Kakashi learned anything from his trashy romance novels, it was always better to show up in person, to avoid misunderstandings and miscommunication. Any bad thing which started with the prefix ‘mis-‘ could be avoided.

A tiny sliver of hope was left, but Kakashi didn’t really expect anything to happen. Nevertheless, he was going to find (Y/N) and talk to her, apologize to her properly and maybe, only maybe he would be forgiven.

That was what she deserved.

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What to do now?

You followed Hiroshi’s suggestions to the very end. You climbed the highest mountains of the Land of Earth, wandered through the Land of Vegetables and ate the fresh produce, travelled through the unforgiving desert of the Land of Wind and even crossed the sea to visit the beautiful beaches of the Moon Kingdom. Currently, you made your way through the Land of Tea, close to the border of the Land of Hot Springs, thus could enjoy both culinary specialties to the fullest while leisurely wandering up north again.

You were sitting in a hot spring and munching on some homemade sweets the innkeeper brought to you as a present when suddenly, that question rose in your mind. Where were you even supposed to go now? You didn’t have a home, you had no idea where to go from here on, and aimlessly drifting back and forth sounded tiring to an extent you weren’t willing to commit to.

Gods, you missed a home. A real home you could go back to. A little space in this world you could call your own, which you could change to your preferences and likes and dislikes. You wanted four walls to protect you from the weather, a roof which would tremble slightly under the onslaught of rain, soft cushions and a warm blanket to cuddle yourself into while listening to the fireplace burning, cooking some tea for your enjoyment and your enjoyment only.

The only place you could think of to go back now would be… the inn. The few hours of safety you experienced with Hiroshi and Moriko. Not Konoha, under no circumstances. Niko’s caravan was not an option either. Still too much traveling. Before you would go back onto the road, you would like to settle somewhere nice and calm, where you had the choice to immerse yourself in the life of a village or to isolate yourself if needed.

After that, you automatically found your way back in the Land of Iron. Walking down the familiar street, feeling the harsh winds tug at your clothes, the snow clinging to your coat and warm boots. Everything was just like you remembered, and when you entered the small inn and heard Hiroshi chattering away as well as Moriko sighing softly when his booming laugh thundered through the bar, you couldn’t help yourself but to smile.

Yeah. This place felt right for the moment. For a little while, you could stay here. That is, if Hiroshi and Moriko still recognized—!

Your eyes met Moriko’s. Instantly, the old woman broke into a smile of her own, wrinkles ever so slightly deepening and her entire body straightening as she weaved her way through the crowd.

“Welcome back!” She beamed at you, how you stood in all your frozen, snowed-in glory in the doorway. “Good to see you again, (Y/N)! Come in, come in! Hiroshi made a quite wonderful bread and hearty casserole everyone loves so far!”

It was like you never left in the first place. You allowed the energetic woman to pull you over to the bar, where Hiroshi stood with his mustache curling and still not fully hiding the smile forming on his face.

Yeah, you definitely could stay here for a while. If you asked nicely, of course.

Chapter Text

For the next two weeks, you lived with the old couple in their inn; helped around the house and did whatever you wanted otherwise — Cleaning the inn together with Moriko, collecting wood and hunting together with Hiroshi, caring for the horse and keeping the cart in check, making fire and cooking on the rare occasion Hiroshi didn’t hog the fireplace for himself. You had to say, it was almost like life back in your own hut. The only two differences were you had a lot more people around you than back then, and the older people tended to try and pry into your past, which you stubbornly kept quiet about.

You didn’t want to talk about Kakashi, about Konoha, about the old village, about your life lived all alone in the forest. You didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it — in fact, you didn’t even want to be reminded in the slightest about him and the feelings inside your chest. No, just the clarity and simplicity of the easy tasks around the inn held any kind of meaning to you these days.

However, despite your more-than-defensive attitude, Hiroshi and Moriko didn’t want to seem to accept your icy silence. Both of them not so stealthily tried to inquire about your past in one way or another.

Like today, like in this very moment. Together with Hiroshi, you went out into the surrounding plains of the land to collect some wood, but he dared to turn it into an investigation you couldn’t easily escape from yet again. You needed to stay with him, as you weren’t used to finding your way through the snow to go back to the inn and the belonging small village.

You had just turned your back to wander to a little formation of trees in the hope of finding something worthwhile while Hiroshi stayed in your back. For a few blissful minutes, only the scrunching of the snow beneath your feet mattered, together with the harsh puffs of your breath and the howling of the ever-present winds around you.

Then…

“Why again did you say you decided to travel?”

Only barely, you restricted the eyeroll threatening to ruin your fairly good mood. Oh no, not again. Seriously? Now?

“I didn’t say anything,” you gave back, still kicking back snow piles after snow piles to maybe find a slab of wood. “And I don’t intend to say anything about it, like ever.”

“That’s a strong word to use.”

“A strong word for sure, and I intend to keep my word.”

Hiroshi grunted and finally went to work alongside you. “I’m just saying, maybe one day you would like to talk about it.”

“I’m pretty sure this day will never come.”

“Just in case,” his mustache wiggled around, “if that unlikely day will ever come, you’re free to talk with one of us. Both of us, if you want to.”

With a dry laugh, you waved him off. “Sure, sure. I will remember it.”

“No, seriously.” His tone was dead serious as well, so you looked up and stared into his steely-eyed expression, funny mustache be damned. One of his calloused hands reached over, patted gently on your shoulder and brushed some patches of assembled snowflakes aside, before dropping again to his own side. “If you ever need to talk about something, no matter how ridiculous it seems, one of us will always have an open ear for you.”

Stunned, you watched him for a few more seconds. 

Right there, right now. In the middle of a wide snowfield, with only sparse trees and bushes around you, the ever present snow storm ripping at your clothes and the cold cutting into your flesh despite the many, many layers of thick winter clothing you slung around yourself; in this very moment, Hiroshi offered you open ears without judgement. He offered you someone easy to talk to without expecting anything in return.

“Thank you,” you mumbled. Hell, you weren’t even sure if he was able to hear you over the wind and rustling branches. “For… for being willing.”

You weren’t sure, but you were positive he had heard you, measured at the little happy tune the round man whistled under his breath as you two stomped side by side through the snow, carrying a bundle of too-wet sticks and branches on your backs to hang up in the nearby shack and let them dry. The work was familiar to you, easy enough to fulfill without your mind in every motion, so you could think about greater, more emotional things.

The most obvious one would be, for how long could you stay here? Hiroshi and Moriko didn’t seem to mind your presence, but you couldn’t stay there forever. The only thing you could provide was an extra pair of hands and your life-learned skills.

The second thing swirling through your mind were worries where you should go if you decided to leave this inn. Further north? South? West or east? Should you continue to travel, even become a nomad, or should you build a new house wherever you liked and see if you could start a new life there? Or should you just try to build a house here? Close to Moriko and Hiroshi?

And third (no matter how much you wanted to deny it), the very back of your mind was busy dismantling your memories of your time in Konoha, still. The thoughts gnawed at your insides since you found the statue of Team 7 on the Moon Kingdom. Despite their betrayal, despite your broken trust and the greyish tint of your feelings over these memories, you wanted to know how the misfits were. Were they feeling sad you left? Were they relieved they didn’t have to pretend to like you anymore?

What about Kakashi? As painful as it was to think about him, you forced yourself to do just that. What about him? Did he feel better, now that you were gone? Not like he had an unwanted guest in his house anymore? Was he feeling sorry for the way he treated you? Or was he fine and not missing you in the slightest, celebrating every second he didn’t have to deal with you?

(Or did he lie? Did he lie to me, lie to himself, lie that he didn’t want me there? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I’m confused, I need to sleep over this.)

“Oh yeah, by the way…” Calmly, Hiroshi continued to bundle up a few small, thin branches, only to hang them over the rag which was already halfway filled up with other bundles. “Some shinobi asked for you a while ago. Shinobi from Konoha.”

“Konoha shinobi!?”

“Yeah, I just remembered. Three younglings.” He shrugged. “They wanted to know where you went and spied on us to find out.”

“And? Did they find out?” The tension running through your body made your hands tremble the tiniest bit, but you still kept yourself from running straight out of the shack to grab your things and wander off into the wilderness. Nothing had happened yet, you had to tell yourself, nothing had happened and they weren’t here when you arrived.

“Kind of,” he shrugged once more, still tying a new bundle of branches together, “we told them about my suggestions, but we also had no idea if you really followed them, right?”

“Right.”

“Should we have kept quiet? I apologize if that was too much.”

You shook your head. “Aaah, it’s alright. If they are who I suspect them to be, then they would’ve found out sooner or later anyway. There’s not much to hide from them.”

They dragged me out of my forest into a wide, big city, after all.

By now, Hiroshi stopped his task, the concern wrinkling his forehead and crinkling his mustache at the tips. “You look a little bit pale there. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yeah… I think…?”

“You seem scared.”

“I’m not scared. Just… I didn’t expect them to find me, I guess.”

One of his bushy eyebrows lifted. “Even though you said they would’ve found you anyway?”

“It depended on if they were interested in finding me.” With a low sigh, you scrubbed both of your hands over your face. “Fuck. This is… But they went and didn’t come back until now?”

“Not as far as I’m concerned, no.”

“Good. I think.” Indeed, good news. It could either mean Team 7 was still pursuing your trail or a trail they thought you left behind or that they gave up and returned to Konoha. The ‘why’ wasn’t really important here, only the end result of not being found. Another quick inhale, then you smiled at Hiroshi. “It’s alright. Everything is going to be fine.”

As it turned out, you couldn’t be more wrong. Still a bit tense, you stomped through the snow back around the inn, Hiroshi right on your heels. With your coat pulled high and the hood dragged deep into your face, you pushed the front door open. A sharp breeze followed you, blowing in more snowflakes and bringing in bone-cutting coldness. Curse words crawled their way onto your tongue as you felt the first melted snowflakes sneaking beneath your coat and into your neckline, before looking up and looking casually around the inn.

There, Moriko was standing behind the bar, talking with a similarly hooded traveler with a heavy backpack on their shoulders. A man, measured at the deep voice faintly echoing over the surrounding noise of the always busy bar. Strangely enough, Moriko seemed smitten with him, smiling widely and letting her fingers run through one of her grey strands dangling freely from her loose bun.

You grunted before returning to brushing off some more snow, stomping your feet as well to get rid of the snow crumbs still clinging to your boots. In the corner of your vision, you were aware how the man pulled back his hood, but only when you looked up yet again and spotted the silver-greyish hair, your heart stopped mid-beat.

No way. 

No way he was here. 

You tried to tell yourself that as you stared at the well-known haircut, the wide shoulders covered by his thick coat and the not-yet-melted snowflakes of the familiar body frame of the man who dropped you as fast as he could when you found out about his political schemes and his broken promise.

There was simply no way Kakashi stood smack in the middle of Moriko’s and Hiroshi’s inn in the deepest depths of the snowed-in Land of Iron, mesmerizing the old woman with his natural charms and sweet words.

But it was him. No one else had such a noticeable voice which was able to talk the dirt off the walls if he wanted. Deep and somber, slow and sensual, sending unwanted shivers down your spine.

How come the world seemed to stop for you, yet continued to turn for everyone else? You were free falling, not able to set one foot in front of the other, while Hiroshi just brushed past you to fawn over his wife. Kakashi still didn’t turn around, but you had no illusion that he didn’t notice you weren’t in the room. His shinobi instincts were too good for that.

Your heart was beating so hard you could feel it in your throat. Every beat, another memory came back to you. Another memory of happier days, another memory of the day it all went down the drain, when everything you thought you built crumbled down around you.

Of the day Team 7 and Kakashi stepped onto your clearing—

Of the day you left your hut to travel to Konoha—

Of the day Kakashi sat with you on the stairs, the evening sunlight spilling through the open front door, his fingers gently holding onto your skirt—

Of the day he rushed over to the greenhouse to hold your hand and sit by your side, hands entangled and your temple leaning against his shoulder—

Of the day he had a nightmare and came to you to seek warmth, comfort—

Of the day on the training field, the gentle teasing, the… the kiss…

These memories hurt. Hurt more than you wanted to admit to yourself, even. A dull knife pushing deep between your ribs, twisting and turning and pushing deeper. Unbeknownst to you, you stepped backwards. Once, twice. Your back hit the door, but before you could turn around and run away once more (far, far away, running as far as you could and never looking back), Moriko woke up from the daze Kakashi put her in. Her eyes, vivid and lively, drifted away from his still invisible face to lock with yours, only to immediately try to wave you over.

“(Y/N)! Come here, come here! This young man here searches for someone, maybe you know him? He’s from Konoha and…”

“We’re acquittanced.” You interrupted her, tone icy and tongue heavy.

Finally, Kakashi turned around. Nothing betrayed his feelings as his black, deep eyes found yours and caught them; caught them and got stuck. He still looked the same as he did a few months back; still like you remembered him, mask firmly in place, hair shaggy and expression unreadable.

Moriko caught up to the icy tension in the room. Her cheerful expression fell, only to be replaced by slowly rising suspicions and raised eyebrows. She mouthed a quick question to you, but you ignored her, still staring intently into Kakashi’s face. So, she turned to Hiroshi, who was just as bewildered and surprised to see you that… well, hostile, angry, pissed, coldly infuriated. Sure, you had been all these things already with them, but now? Now, your cold fury burned on a whole nother level; brighter and more dangerous than ever before, than these two poor old sods ever experienced.

He made no move to speak with you, so you stepped forward, despite the nervousness running through your body. “What are you doing here?”

When he took a tiny step forward, you stumbled backwards into the door. “I was searching for you.”

“Quit the bullshit.” You hissed through gritted teeth.

“It’s true.”

“You made yourself pretty clear when you threw me away.”

“I didn’t throw you away, at all.”

“Fine! You chased me away, made clear you didn’t care about me in any way, didn’t say anything when I wanted an explanation! And now you’re coming back? Now? Months too late?” With a disgusted grimace, you spat more hurtful words in front of his feet. Gods, you wanted to hurt him for what he did. Wanted to make him bleed like you had bled. “Fuck you, Kakashi. Just fuck you. You can’t just decide to run after me when it’s convenient for you. I don’t care about you in the slightest anymore. You effectively killed my feelings for me, and that’s the only thing I will ever be grateful for.”

And oh gods, your words hit their mark. You could see it in the way Kakashi’s eyes fell, how a curtain seemed to be pulled over his hopeful expression, how his head lowered itself ever so slightly and the confidence seeped out of him like a deflating balloon.

I was wrong. I’m still angry with him. I thought the wounds his words caused were healed, but I was oh so wrong.

I was never like this. Hateful and hurting. Defensive, yes, but never this aggressive. I never aimed to hurt, just to defend myself. This… This isn’t me.

A last venomous glare, then you turned away to stomp up the stairs, brushing past him and the heavy silence that filled the room. Your heart was thrumming in your ears, too loud to hear your own hard breathing over the other sounds.

The surprise of seeing Kakashi here, of all things. The quick shock, quickly killed by the all-consuming anger coursing through your veins made your hands tremble as you reached for the doorknob of your unofficial private room. And, amidst the storm of harsh, hot anger, there was still the damned fondness for the man warming your chest, yet tinged with a longing for the easier days of before.

He came after me.

It was so fucking confusing, to feel all these things at once.

For some terrible moments, you stood there on the ratty carpet with your hands balled into fists, the neatly made bed laid out in front of you, the sparse belongings dispersed around to make the room feel more like a little piece of a home. A few more breaths in, and your old instincts kicked in.

You were halfway through packing up your bag when a soft knock echoed through the room.

Moriko’s knock, you recognized it instantly. Nevertheless, you hesitated before opening the door the tiniest bit.

Thankfully, the old woman was alone in the hallway. Though, her expression was one of deep concern and even mild frustration when she spotted the bag on your bed as well as the hastily packed clothes inside.

“You’re leaving us?” she asked. “Not because of the quite sorrowful young lad downstairs, I hope?”

“Oh, you can believe it’s because of him.” You never thought to be able to place so much fury in one word, but there it was without a hint of hesitation. “I can’t believe he came here.”

“I can.”

“You don’t know him.”

“Indeed, I don’t know him.” With a low sigh which betrayed her age more than her movements, Moriko lowered herself to your bed. One look at her, and she patted the spot right by her side, indicating she wouldn’t take a ‘no’ for an answer. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t be interested in the reason why he looked like a kicked puppy when you showed up and tore him apart right then and there.”

“He deserved it.” However, the guilt already reared its ugly, all-too-familiar head. Without an inch of mercy, you pushed the guilt down. “He fucking deserved everything I told him, while I deserve to be left alone by him. He ruined it, not me. I tried to get answers, but he denied them. It’s not my problem anymore.”

“Something tells me you’re lying to yourself.”

“I’m not.”

Moriko hummed lowly, a wry smile tugging at her mouth. Again, she patted the blankets right by her side on the bed and you couldn’t find it in you to resist any longer. Grumping under your breath, you plopped onto the cushions. Anyway, you had the distinct feeling that defying Moriko wouldn’t end too well for you, measured at the iron-clad grip she used to take your hand into hers.

“Believe me,” she said, still smiling but a hue of dim sadness tinting her expression, “I know how scary it is. I know. And I also know you’re independent and don’t want to rely on somebody else, but I would like to hear your history with him, to understand what is going on here. Only if you want to, of course.”

“It’s… it’s complicated. And takes time.”

To your surprise, Moriko’s little giggle made the corners of your mouth twitch upwards as well, despite the serious situation. “One thing about your elders, my dear: some of us like to act like they have no more time left. But I’m not one of these, so tell this old, nosy woman what happened, or else I might combust on the very spot.”

Like always, she managed to combine her unique humor with the seriousness of the moment. You were incredibly grateful for Moriko’s easy going nature, though it still took you a few moments to actually start to speak, to start explaining what had happened over the last few months.

All of what happened. The entirety of your life, so it seemed. Pausing in between words, trying to recall everything which would be necessary for Moriko to understand the situation with Kakashi, you saw yourself encountered with one of the biggest challenges of your life. You had to tell Moriko the entire truth. Team 7 found most of the truth out themselves, saw it firsthand. Not here, not this time. No, you had to tell Moriko everything yourself, in a breaking, painfully pressed voice. Lay out how horrible your life had been up until now, how much these weeks spent with Team 7 meant for you deep down, even describe the wondrous emotions Kakashi had awoken in you and how much his betrayal destroyed you.

In the end, the evening had fallen over the always-grey sky. The room was almost too dark to see anything, so you automatically snapped your fingers into the direction of the various candles standing around the room.

“I didn’t know you could do that.” Moriko’s eyes sparkled dimly in the weak candlelight, but to your eternal relief, she didn’t seem scared. No, she watched the closest candle on the nightstand with unbridled interest. “Certainly, a very useful gift you have there.”

“Sorry. When I’m with strangers, I tend to…”

“Oh no, I get it. It’s fine. I’m glad you’re feeling safe enough with me to show I’m not a stranger to you anymore.”

“And what about Kakashi?” Your stomach was in a tight knot. What would Moriko say about him and your reaction? Would she judge you for being too harsh? Would she laugh about your ridiculous reaction or would she agree to everything you said?

Neither happened. For a few more moments, the old woman stared right ahead into the small flame of the candle. Her mind seemed far, far away; at an entirely different place and time. Only when you leaned closer and squeezed her hand, Moriko lightly shook her head and broke into a little smile, her eyes clearing up and the wrinkles around them deepening ever so slightly.

“What about him?”

Her light, teasing tone was already reassuring enough. Still, you needed to know what she was really thinking, word for word and thought for thought. With a high whine, you squeezed her hand once more.

“Damn, now you’re fucking with me.”

A hum under your breath. “Oh, you noticed? I’m getting predictable on my old days.”

“And you’re avoiding my question.”

“Aaah, no, not intentionally. It’s just…” Again, she paused for a second. “This reminds me a lot of my own troubles back in the day. With Hiroshi.”

Troubles between Hiroshi and Moriko? Your surprise must’ve shown in your face, because Moriko laughed when she spotted your expression. “Oh yes! We also had our fair share of troubles, you know? Who doesn’t?”

“As in, who doesn’t have troubles in their relationship?”

“Exactly. We’re far from perfect. Sometimes, we argue. Sometimes, we struggle. It’s not all suns and roses. And, my gods, if your situation doesn’t remind me of our own troubles, then I would carry a heart of stone.”

“What kind of problems?”

For a moment, Moriko seemed to be thinking what to say next. Her hand clamped down around yours, but softened her grip only a few seconds later. A nervous twitch of her other hand to wipe some of her loose strands back behind her ear, only for them to immediately fall back into place.

Then, her head turned towards you, eyes soft and lost in her own past like you had been lost in your past only minutes before. “We met in his line of work. Back in the day, Hiroshi was a Samurai. Had his own squad, a brigade. He was their captain. He was…” Moriko clearly swooned at the mere memory of Hiroshi in shining armor. “He was so handsome and strong and still gentle. Also fast and nimble, and oh…” A blush spread over her face, before she shook her head. “Aaah, but that’s beside the point, isn’t it?” 

“A little bit, but go off.”

Dangerous work, of course. Fighting bandits, escorting important people around, being hired for dirty work of dirty politicians. The occasional injury didn’t stay away, of course.” Moriko’ face twisted into a pained smile, before the edge vanished into thin air. “Anyway, I met him because my family hired him as a bodyguard as they travelled around. He also kept me company and entertained. It was probably love at first sight, and we’ve been madly in love ever since then. Going on for nearly fifty years, I believe.”

A quick smile crossed your face. “Congratulations.”

Moriko accepted your words with a graceful nod. “Thank you. Though, that’s not it. Our troubles only came after. When he asked me to marry him, I had to choose between my family or him. And child, I’ll tell you now, my parents hated Hiroshi.” There was a slight lift in her tone but the shadows in her gaze told you otherwise. “Hated him with a passion, because he made me feel good about myself. I decided against my family that I never really connected with and chose to have a life with him. I gave up my comfortable lifestyle, relearned a lot about life, but we were happy together. But… his work.” She shook her head. “I didn’t like it. Who would like their partner being attacked over and over, not knowing if they would ever return? Before we got together, I even asked him to take it easy, reduce his hours on the squad, take less missions… He didn’t do it despite promising me.”

Another broken promise. Bile rose in your throat. Anger curled in your stomach. And Hiroshi? Friendly, joking, always cooking and baking Hiroshi? Broke a promise he gave to Moriko, who he seemed to love more than his own life?

You couldn’t imagine that.

However, it was reality. You saw it in the way Moriko seemed far, far away while she continued to ramble on, hurt still pulling at her features as she recalled the sadness of these long gone days.

“The worst is not knowing. Knowing he was on a mission, but not knowing what happened until he stood again right before me. That was…” A shudder wrecked her smaller body, made her hand tremble ever so faintly in your own hand at the memories. “The worst. He nearly died one day. He actually nearly died and I wouldn’t have seen him again.” Her head hung low and her grip grew tighter. “I blew up. Screamed that he only cared about his work, about his heroism, about rattling his sword at enemies instead of coming home to me. Of course, he didn’t agree with me and we fought. But this fight…  was terrible; worse than the ones before. I remember yelling at him, accusing him of lies and I moved back into my parent’s home, back to where I was comfortable again. Hiroshi? I think he buried himself in his work.”

You could only imagine how the past looked for the old couple. A much younger, always-beautiful Moriko, packing her bags and shouldering them with a tearful, angry look in her eyes; Hiroshi with a sword strapped over his back, still in his armor and a bloody bandage wrapped around his arm, expression just as stubborn and yet just as tearful.

“My parents,” Moriko’s words were laced with bitterness, “weren’t the nicest people around. Rich and important, but… manipulative and narcissistic. After years of suffering under their hand, Hiroshi and his endless support made me want to move away from them, only for me to go back when I didn’t have that anymore.”

You knew how that felt; when there was apparently nothing left but the known misery, when the only way back seemed to lead back over the burned bridges and fighting your way through a swamp of lies, deceit and hatred. You found yourself nodding slightly, tears of frustration for Moriko burning in the corners of your eyes.

She noticed instantly. “Yes, I realized that too. In that sense, we’re both of the same kind.”

The way Moriko hinted at the cruelty of her own family tugged at your heart. You recognized the faked lightness, the little sad smile pulling at the corners of her mouth, the way her eyes clouded over as she thought back to these times. Unable to say anything due to the sudden tightness of your throat, you squeezed her hand and thankfully, she squeezed back.

“At first, they were nice once more, comforting me and saying exactly what I wanted to hear. Then, they made comments; comments about Hiroshi, comments about me, why I couldn’t hold onto him, how our break-up was my fault, I should’ve been softer and gentler, I should’ve, I should’ve, should’ve…” A heavy sigh wrung its way off her lips. In defeat, her shoulders sunk down as the woman still didn’t look into your eyes. Only her hand in yours convinced you that she was still there. “Dark times, truly. And they did it. They convinced me that I was the bad guy, that I didn’t deserve Hiroshi at all, that I just should’ve stayed with them and never left. And, truth to be told, I believed them. I was in such a bad headspace that, despite me knowing they would try this, I believed them. I let them in, and like parasites, they sunk their teeth and claws into me for what it was worth.”

Grim understanding settled over your mind. Gods, you understood that urge. To go back to what you knew despite knowing what would wait there. Self-destructive and indescribable to people who had no idea what true manipulation looked like. Being subjected to a lifetime of this did things with the mind; things you still tried to understand yourself. Again, you were only able to gently squeeze Moriko’s hand, no words in your mind or on your tongue, and she squeezed back before continuing.

“They almost managed to undo all the good Hiroshi has done for me. Almost managed to convince me that I’m no good, that I’m a failure. I was too stubborn to go back on my own and apologize, I favored staying there in known misery. Only the gods know and understand why. Thankfully, Hiroshi came to his senses and came to apologize to me first. My own samurai in shining armor.”

“And then?”

Moriko laughed, easy and light. “I won’t lie, it was hard. Lots of work was involved on both of our sides. I had to learn to trust him and not take every gesture he did for me as an act of manipulation, while he had to unlearn lots of his brash and rough behavior. Lots of other things in between that, but we wanted to make it work. Our feelings for each other and the positive aspects of our relationship outweighed the bad sides and personality traits, so we worked on us. Individually and as a team.”

“How did you do it? What did you do, what did he do?”

“For me, I kept on working on myself. On lowering my expectations. His squad needed him, just as much as Hiroshi needed the squad to feel complete. His entire family had been part of the Samurai corps, he had been trained his entire life to be part of it. Hiroshi however valued his time with me more. Took more time off, tried to lessen his hours and dangerous missions. When he reached the age where other Samurai stay with the corps, but as teachers and mentors, he dropped out completely to be with me.”

It seemed too good to be true. You took a deep breath in, steadied yourself. The questions in your head formed itself, built by the situation you were in and had to face in the near future. And hell be damned, you needed advice, some wise words, something to guide you through the mess inside your own head.

“But he broke his promise. Isn’t that an unforgivable thing?”

She shrugged. “It is, sometimes.”

“Only sometimes?”

“Indeed. It depends. On the situation, on time and place, if the promise was broken with good intentions. Honestly, a lot of factors are in play here, it’s difficult to really give a set number of indicators.”

“Great.” Your shoulders fell as you showed all of your frustration with a single, deep, tense sigh. “So, what am I supposed to do now? With him being downstairs and wanting to talk now, when I already tried to get answers, but he denied me?”

Silence reigned the room for a few seconds. Moriko really thought about your question, not giving a quick answer to be convenient. You appreciated her thoughtfulness, so you were able to wait until she hummed and spoke up.

“You can listen to him. Or deny him the chance to explain yourself.”

“I…” You swallowed. “I don’t want to listen to him. Is that bad?”

To your instant relief, Moriko shook her head once more. “No, definitely not. You don’t have to. It’s merely one of your options you have now. And it’s human to be suspicious, nothing else. However,” your shoulders automatically drew upwards at the without a doubt following down side, “I truly believe you’re stronger than that. You don’t have to run away. You’re strong enough to not be broken when told an uncomfortable truth.”

“So… you’re suggesting I should listen to him?”

“Again. You can, but you don’t have to.”

“But you think that I…?”

This time, Moriko bumped her shoulder into yours. “I believe you can bear whatever he will throw at you. I believe in you, in your strength and ability to deal with whatever comes your way. You also don’t have to forgive him. That’s not the requirement here. But I feel like you need to hear what he has to say, just like he has to hear what you have to say to him. And believe me when I say, I’ll always be proud of you, no matter if it is my place to be proud or not. From one same-minded person to another.”

Was this how it felt to have the support of a mother? So warm and comfortable, gentle and fierce, beautiful and simple all at the same time? Hearing the kind words made you swallow again around the thick glob lodged inside your throat, eyes burning and nose already tingling from the urge to cry out. Sitting there with Moriko by your side, the closest thing you ever had to a mother, listening to her advice and soaking it up because you needed to hear her reassurances.

Moriko was truly an admirable woman. Here she was: went through a similar past as you did, clawed her way away from said past, fought with Hiroshi to be able to stay with him and held you close enough to her heart to try and give you advice. Hearing her backstory meant so much as you could finally see her for what she was. Not only kind out of nowhere, but kind because she experienced how it felt to be on the receiving end of cruelty.

“Thank you,” you hoarsely whispered, still trying to swallow tears of joy and insecurity, “thank you for… everything.”

“No need.” Maybe it was silly, but hearing her suddenly thick voice and seeing her rapid blinking made you laugh through your happy tears. A shaky breath followed, then she raised her hand to wipe over her eyes. “Gosh, you’re making this old lady cry. How dare you.”

“What am I supposed to say then?”

“Nothing, my dear.” And for another time, Moriko’s gentle squeeze of your hand made you feel all warm and tingly on the inside. Comforted, safe and loved, as crazy as it sounded. The love you never experienced before.

The silence following the intense words was merciful. There were simply no words needed as you sat together, enjoying the presence and calm comfort you were able to give to each other.

Only after some time passed, you were able to speak up once more without tears burning in your eyes. “What did Hiroshi give to you to convince you he was sorry?”

“His devotion,” she answered easily. “I can sense his determination; his unconditional support, care and love. Though, the very first thing Hiroshi gave to me in a physical sense was his katana, you know?”

A laugh of your own wrung itself from your mouth. “No way.”

She nodded. “Yes, way. Now, every time he wants to use it, he comes to me and asks for it. He even makes jokes about it. One time, bandits entered the inn and tried to make this their base of operations. Even while one of them threatened him with a knife to his throat, he kept winking at me and asking all innocently if he should do something about the pests infecting our house. Of course, I told him to drop the bullshit and do his thing, but he keeps treating it as a joke.”

“How did that end?”

“He beat them up, of course.” Moriko huffed out, oddly proud while retelling this tale. Despite her exasperated behavior and tone, she obviously didn’t mind Hiroshi teasing her endlessly. Another sign of their trust in each other.

But there was still one last thing gnawing at your mind, one which was probably the most important of them all and yet the most dreadful to actually utter out loud.

You took a deep breath in, bit your lower lip, before asking in the weakest whisper you ever produced: “How were you able to forgive Hiroshi? When could you look at him again and think to yourself that you loved him again?”

The old woman didn’t laugh at your question nor did she show any other sign of being amused by your insecurity. Instead, her smile grew solemn as she leaned over and took your other hand into hers, pulling both of your hands together until she was satisfied. “(Y/N), there’s no definite moment. No sudden realization your doubts are gone, your grudge buried and forgotten. There’s only the long, stony path to forgiveness, working around every obstacle and communicating as much as you can to avoid more misunderstandings or troubles. However,” there was a telltale sparkle in her eyes which told you she recounted her own years with Hiroshi and her own long way she walked together with him, “no one said that the journey of repair with the other person can’t be enjoyable at all. Not every day is gruesome, not every minute has to be hard. If you truly want to work with that other person, forgiveness will come, and no matter how hard it will be, it will be worth it.”

It was alright to stay mad. That was what she told you. It was alright to continue being angry and sad, but that you also should listen to Kakashi. Not for his sake, but for your own. Moriko realized in a matter of seconds apparently how much you needed some answers and gave you the only hint she could give to you, in the form of her own life story with Hiroshi.

It was okay. You would be alright, even if Kakashi’s answers wouldn’t be satisfying. You were strong enough on your own to not fall apart, no matter how broken you were. And apparently, you also had the support of some people you didn’t expect at all, who liked you for who you were and showed their care unconditionally without any recuperations.

It was your choice to hear Kakashi out or not. Your choice, in your hands. Something you weren’t used to. But wasn’t today as good as any other day to make a first choice entirely for yourself, by yourself?

“I think I know what I’m going to do now,” you said while staring into the candle on your nightstand.

The old woman’s eyes crinkled in her smile. “Good. I know you made a good decision.”

“You don’t even know what decision I made.”

“Doesn’t matter. I just know it will be good.”

“Your trust in me is astounding.”

“Well, if your taste in men is anything to go by at all, then I have to say you can’t be wrong. He reminds me of Hiroshi, all muscly and lithe and strong… When he was younger, but still.”

You gasped out loud while embarrassment colored your face in a bright red. “Moriko! You can’t just…!”

She nodded with all the wisdom of her long life and all the mirth she could muster. “Oh, you bet I can. I’m not dead and I still have both of my eyes. If not for my dear Hiroshi and my old age, I would definitely throw myself in front of your boy’s feet. I didn’t know shinobi were so… delectable. Physically only, of course.” Moriko added after a little pause, in which your blush grew brighter and hotter with every little comment she made.

Barely, you managed to press some rambled words out, the blush growing to your ears and your neck. “His physical appearance really shouldn’t have an influence on my decision to hear him out.”

There was a bellowing laughter ringing in your chest until you were breathless, new tears of happiness burning in your eyes and your sides hurting from the sheer force of it, at her next words.

“I never said that. Though, it makes for a rather pretty spectacle watching him crawl in front of your feet, doesn’t it?”

Chapter Text

The night had fallen over the small inn in the middle of nowhere when Kakashi’s knock resounded through your room.

For a few hours, you didn’t even think he would come up to talk with you. You thought he would just take the easy way out, right out of the door into the icy landscape to never look back and finally leave you alone. But no. No, he was here; right outside of your door while you tried to think of a reason to let him in. Or not let him in. Honestly, you weren’t too sure what you wanted at this point.

“Who’s there?”

A stupid question to stall for some more time. You grimaced, but your heart jumped into your throat when his voice vibrated through the wood.

“It’s me, Kakashi.”

“What do you want?”

“I still want to talk with you. To explain myself.”

You eyed the door with a glare, only to turn your head away sharply. “...Okay.”

“Will you…” A silent shuffle. “Will you let me in?”

Let him in. Let him in, into this room, into my proximity, into my life, where he can hurt me again and again and again—!

A calm breath in. Moriko thought you were strong enough. Moriko thought you would be strong enough to hear Kakashi out and still be able to send him away if you didn’t like what you heard. It was your decision, your own choice if you decided to let him in.

You gave yourself another moment, then walked around the bed to the window and positioned yourself with your back towards the door. Only then, when you felt halfway ready and steady, you reached out in your mind and pushed down the handle of the door.

The wood creaked as it was pushed open. Like fog, you could almost feel Kakashi’s presence filling the room. Gods, you were hyper aware of every sound, every little creak of the floor and every quiet puff of air he let out.

“Thank you.” His voice was much closer, not muffled by the wood of the door any longer. “For letting me in.”

Silently, you shrugged. With anxiety in your heart, you listened to the door being carefully closed and to the following shuffles. Out of instinct, your arms came up to cross over your chest, while you still stared blindly into the dark night. You tried not to be too interested, to not be too invested in the talk. But gods, it was hard to not turn around and tell Kakashi exactly how you had felt when he left you with no answer to struggle for yourself.

More shuffles, a little dry cough. You could almost feel the nervousness rising inside the room. His weak nerves got on your nerves, tugged at the very ends, made you clench your teeth and tighten your fingers in your own flesh. The silence stretched to unbearable levels. But you wouldn’t be the first one to speak up, not after all what he had done to you. Not after the shit he made you go through.

Finally, after minutes of uncomfortable, tense silence, Kakashi decided it was time for him to open his damned mouth. “(Y/N), I understand you’re still angry. I wish things had gone differently and I want to apologize for what happened.”

“What the fuck even happened, Kakashi?”

“Pardon?”

You still didn’t turn around, just stared straight ahead into the darkness. “What happened “back then”, as you eloquently describe it? What exactly happened that day when you pushed me away after you broke your promise to me? Apart from being friends, apart from being whatever we were after that? What the fuck happened to that exact promise of not letting the village use me and my powers?”

Your voice rose; angry and frustrated and still hurt. Hurt by the broken trust you placed in Kakashi.

He sighed. Not a good sign, not at all—not to your ears. “I think it would be nice to talk face to face. Could we do that? Maybe?”

“In what way do you deserve to see my face, Kakashi?” You hissed through clenched teeth. Sure, your behavior was extremely childish and you didn’t even have an excuse anymore. It just felt good to be bratty; to be bratty right into his face; show him more and more how hurt you were still.

Another, even heavier sigh. “I wanted to solve this like an adult. Have a talk with you because I know I fucked up. Royally. But I demand… no. I apologize.” More shuffles, his sandals scratching over the wooden floorboards. “I beg you to please give me some kind of respect by speaking to me face to face. I know, it’s too much as you’re already willing to actually listen me out, but… please. Please, I can’t…”

It wasn’t the hurt in his voice or the tiredness underlining every syllable which made you turn around. No, you threw a single glance over your shoulder because Kakashi sounded so completely and utterly defeated. Beaten up and broken down, hoarse and weak and quiet like you had never experienced him before.

Yeah, you were acting childish. And to have this conversation —an honest and good conversation, fitting for two adults indeed— you had to turn around and face Kakashi properly. Despite that realization, you took a few more beats of your heart to actually follow your instinct. Slowly, ever so slowly, your feet dragging over the ground, you turned around, only to instantly back against the wall beside the window and showing off an aloof expression you hoped was steady enough to not slip.

There he was. Kakashi in all his travel-weary glory. He lost his coat and backpack, probably in a room Moriko or Hiroshi gave to him after the disaster of a first meeting, even seemed to have washed himself sparsely and changed his clothes. No dirt sullied his fresh uniform, only slightly wrinkled by the weeks or days he had been on the street to find you. The flak vest hung open, revealing the usual black undershirt. There was no headband holding some strands back to fall into his forehead, no gloves or bandages adorning his fingers or legs, but the ever-present mask crinkled over his features as the man had the audacity to smile ever so weakly at your actions.

“Thank you. I… Just thank you for indulging me.”

“Just… talk.” You threw your hands up, only to immediately fold them again in front of your chest. “Fucking talk for once.”

You wanted to show Kakashi defiance, ignorance, coldness. Instead, you could feel your heart jump into your throat; sweat collected in your palms from your own anxiety, and you couldn’t even bring himself to meet his look as you stared straight at his collarbones, only barely visible due to the tightness of his black shirt. The fabric still spanned over his chest.

Is his skin still warm and scarred when he takes that shirt off? Are there new scars?

Does he still like it when I tug at his hair? Comb through his strands while his hand runs over my back?

This closeness, the intimacy. I kind of…

The little curve of his eyes vanished, indicating he wasn’t smiling any longer while he leaned back against the wall beside the door. Ready to leave you alone at any given moment. Ready to leave.

“What would you like to know, then?”

“I would like to know what went on in your brain that day. I would love to know what happened, like I asked you today and back then. I want to know ‘why’. Just one fucking reason.”

“And that is your good right.” His sigh was even heavier than before, seemingly bearing the fate of the entire world on his shoulders. Maybe, he did. The fate of a maybe possible future and maybe, Kakashi was aware of that.

He has to. He has to be aware that there’s a chance…

A small chance, but nevertheless a chance.

More tense moments followed. You waited for Kakashi to react, say something; anything to plead his case, but he simply stared straight at the floor. Even though you wanted to hiss at him to hurry up, you waited. Rushing him wouldn’t do you any good, one way or another.

Finally, Kakashi seemed to jerk out of the daze he was in. Again, one of his hands flew up to comb through his hair, then he nodded. “Alright. I think… Yeah. Sorry, I just had to think where to start. It’s… a long story, going way back in the past.”

Unimpressed, you raised an eyebrow. “How could I possibly fit into that? My presence in Konoha can’t be part of it.”

“Yeah... yeah. That’s why I need to start at the very beginning and condense everything. Somehow.” He shook his head. “There was a guy named Danzo who was… He was doing all the dirty work no one else wanted to do. Shady things, manipulations of the highest order, assassinations and so on, but our Third Hokage let him be because he thought this dirty work was necessary.”

Oh so quickly, his eyes flittered up to meet yours. Seek approval, see if you were already breaking down, you weren't sure. You nodded only as a sign for him that you indeed heard him and nothing more, nothing less.

“Danzo was killed not long ago, but he had a wide net of accomplices and supporters in and out of Konoha. The council of elders who had their hands in everything that goes on in Konoha were part of this net. Tsunade always had her suspicions that they knew what was going on exactly behind the scenes and supported it, but never had any proof. After Danzo’s death, his net started to crumble away, leaving opportunities for her to take it apart for good and I helped with that.”

“Why? Why you and not someone else?”

“Because…” His voice dropped into a barely audible mumble. Suddenly, he seemed to be almost nervous. Avoiding your eyes and staring towards the ground. The very example of someone being guilty of the crime they were called out for.

Your lips pulled back into a sharp hiss. “What?”

“Because I’m…” Again, only soft mumbling and shuffling of his feet.

Anger pooled in your stomach as you took a little step forward, jaw clenched and throat hurting from swallowing down all the curses and the irrational fury which threatened to boil up to your mouth. “Better spit it out now, Kakashi. Or the gods be damned, I'll—!”

“I’m the new Hokage.” The words quickly tumbled out of his mouth, as though frightened or had perhaps intended to placate your grated nerves. “Tsunade wanted to step down after the war and named me as her successor.” There, another little glance. He was definitely seeking your approval and forgiveness with this glance, like his mere confession of becoming the next leader was something to be ashamed of. “That’s why I helped Tsunade. I would’ve inherited the troubles with the council and I was in a perfect position to bait them out. They had no idea if I would work with them like Danzo did or if I would be just as opposed to them as Tsunade.”

That explained… some things. When you thought back to the times you spent in Konoha; the many, many meetings he had to go to, the long days, even to some extent the promise Kakashi gave to you. If he would become Hokage, he would be able to make sure no one would…

Or he could make sure I would be used in just the right tasks.

“And what? You couldn't trust me? Too untrustworthy for you?” you asked. “Why keep that a secret from me?”

“I didn’t… Everyone started to treat me differently when they heard I would be the next Hokage. More distant, being formal with me and keeping me at arm’s length. I didn’t…” Another, shy, hurt glance into your direction. “I didn’t want that to happen to you. If you would’ve started to treat me any different than you did, I would’ve…”

“You didn’t think it would be necessary to tell me you’re about to become Hokage?”

Sheer and utter disbelief at his words cursed through your veins. The entire room seemed to spin around you at the insane revelation. Another step forward; you threw your arms into the air, your voice rising and climbing higher and higher. “You’re saying I’m like every other person? I’m like the others? I never cared about your title or anything like that! I had nothing, lived with nothing, and would have been content with the simplest of joys. Titles, ranks, money! It doesn’t matter to me. And it was also common courtesy to anyone in letting me know they’re about to become the next goddamn leader who possibly has my fate in their fucking hands!”

“It mattered to me.” You almost felt sorry for Kakashi as he stood there, shoulders hanging low and face downcast. “I liked what we had and I really didn’t want that to change…”

“How does that affect you not telling me this? So many secrets, Kakashi, all piling up on top of each other and I’m so sick of them! I’m sick of them and I’m sick of you not telling me straight forward what is going on!”

There was no answer and you were glad he didn’t attempt to. If anything, it would’ve fueled the flames inside your chest even further. You took a deep breath in. The air that filled your lungs cooled your temper down by a little notch. Just the tiniest bit. Enough to form your next sentences, word for word, despite your hands shaking and angry tears clinging to your eyelashes all the same.

“Okay,” your head tipped backwards, “okay, okay… Fucking… Fine. A ploy going on to undermine the Hokage’s authority and you wanted to solve it because you were going to be the next Hokage. Okay. I get that. But I still don’t see how my presence had anything to do with that.”

Strangely enough, Kakashi shook his head. “At first, I also didn’t think you would be involved. However, the council sent an Anbu out to investigate you. The signatures you caught while you were in the greenhouses?”

Your head started to spin. Really? Really, already back then? Before you could throw a question in, Kakashi already moved forward, like he wanted to get this talk over with as fast as possible. “When you told me about the presence of the Anbu, I first thought he was just curious, but then I investigated a bit further and found out it was actually one of Danzo’s old henchmen who didn’t want to be re-socialized like some of his comrades chose. He started to work for the council, who used him to spy on you to gauge if you could be of any use for them.”

“And that’s why…?”

Kakashi nodded, expression grim and serious. “That’s how they found out about your powers. It was exactly like you feared: they wanted to use you for shinobi work, despite the peace treaties with the other villages and despite your defiance.”

It was for the best that you had left then. Any fate — killed in your village on arrival, dying in the middle of a snowstorm or starving in the middle of the desert — was better than being enslaved to do what you hated to do: Kill with your gift, blood on your hands, guilt weighing on your already guilty conscience.

In the moment the thought flashed through your brain, Kakashi voiced it loud and clear like he was able to read your mind. “It was better for you to leave the village back then,” he said, eyes shut and face turned away, “so… I did what I… what I had to do to make you leave. I’m-I’m so sorry for that. I thought it would be for the best as you wouldn’t be in as much danger, but after I came to my senses and allowed myself to look past my own… stupidity, I realized how wrong I was.” He paused, flashed a little glance at you, before bringing out another confession. “I hurt you for nothing, hurt you over nothing, hurt you telling me it was for the best of both of us.”

His rambling would’ve probably gone on for a long while, but you raised your hand, which stopped him just before Kakashi could start another sentence.

“Wait… What?” Your eyes squinted and you tried to make sense of what he said before he could give you an answer on your unfinished question. “What the… Kakashi, what exactly did you do to “make me leave”, you—!” Quickly, you bit your lip. An insult of his intelligence wouldn’t help, but damn! It would feel good to let loose, you just knew it. Instead, you controlled your tongue; the very urge to spit crude words at him. “What,” you breathed in, “exactly did you do?”

His tired eyes met yours. Looking closer, there were more signs of tiredness in his face. Of tiredness and bone-deep exhaustion. Weak dark bags under his eyes, new lines in his face which hadn’t been there when you left Konoha, an overall slack of his stance which would indicate weariness. Kakashi dragged once more a hand through his hair, rubbed the back of his neck, before nodding slowly.

“I did… Well, you overhearing the talk with the council and Tsunade wasn’t my doing. Very good masking of your chakra by the way. I didn’t notice you until you left. Though, our initial plan was to act like I was considering handing you over, so nothing changed very much apart from me… being an insufferable idiot.”

“You had a whole plan? And you made me part of it, just like that? Without even telling me!?”

For the first time, Kakashi threw his hands into the air, voice rising and eyes full of steel. “Try to understand me here! I would do everything for the village, but I would never force you to use your powers like that! You know me, but you still act like I actually threw you under the wheels!”

“Because you did! Because you effin’ did, you threw me to the sharks as goddamn live bait!”

"It was never my intention to—!"

"Fuck your intentions! Fuck your plans! I had the goddamn right to know about all of this!"

“I never planned to go through with it! Every step was made with your wellbeing in mind! Every night you laid by my side and this plan rolled around in my head, I asked myself if this was the right decision, but there was simply no other way to ensure the council would get thrown behind bars!”

You wanted to interject, shout and hiss and snark more —that putting the council behind bars was more important than discussing it with you, that his supposed protection didn't put the thought of you as a simple human being first— but Kakashi’s glare and words hit you right in your very heart. So, you fell silent, eyebrows knitted together and arms crossed in front of your chest, while the flames inside the man’s eyes dwindled, only to fade out. 

His shoulders dropped, before he shrugged and continued, in a dead, tired voice. “Knowing the council was after you and you would be away from them would put you in a safer spot at first glance, I decided to… push you away. It was the perfect opportunity. The perfect chance to calm my mind while deliberately taking into account you would be hurt and pained by the broken promise.”

Before you could react to these insane revelations, Kakashi breathed in, only to drive his points home even further. His voice rose, grew steadier and more secure as he poured out his insecurities and thoughts like a dam broke just now, caused by the first admission and confession of his wrongdoings and the loud fight you two just shared. “And part of me also wanted to… to, I don’t know, to take away the only thing I ever dared to chase, because you have much more power over me than I realized. Every gentle action of yours when it came to me made me fall deeper, and at first, it was fine. But then I got scared, because everyone I ever dared to love and got close to left me. They died because of me, died because I wasn’t strong enough, fast enough, didn’t understand what it meant to protect someone. Being in love with you made me weak and, in my mind, and experience, it was only a matter of time until you would die because of me. I couldn’t let that happen. I just can’t.”

He was hurting. His memories pained him to the very core; his soul still bleeding from wounds which were cut years and years back. Wounds he didn’t dare to mention until now; wounds in which his father’s suicide was only a single one in a sea of subjects Kakashi suffered through. Even though you were still mad at him, even though you wanted to scream and shout out your frustrations with his stubborn, self-destructive nature, you couldn’t help but want to comfort him (with the most disgruntled sigh you could give this ineffable, unbelievable man).

Run my hands through his hair. Draw him into a hug. Feel his heart beating against my chest while his arms come up to rest on my shoulders, seeking support and comfort.

Despite all what happened… Do I still love him? After all this?

Subconsciously, you made another step forward. Your bed still parted you from Kakashi, enough distance for you to still feel comfortable, but closer. Much closer than you planned.

You took a deep breath in while new questions dwelled in your mind. “Fine. Fine. But, why? Why couldn’t you just say that back then? Why couldn’t you just… I don’t know, explain things to me? Why wait until I leave for months before you come chasing after me?”

“If I've had explained things to you, it possibly wouldn’t have worked. You would’ve wanted to stay no matter what, and I couldn’t risk that.”

“But sending me away, thinking you betrayed me? Hurting me; was so much better?”

Kakashi’s resignation was oh-so-clear on his face. “It was the lesser of many, many evils.”

Again, you wanted to scream out. Why were the two of you bound and muddled in this endless tug-of-war in the sinking sand? If he had just told you, if he had allowed you in, then the two of you could have potentially collaborated somehow to include you and put those jerks behind bars! You could have known of the plan and maybe you would have left because logically, it was safer! Who was he to simply assume that you'd stay? Who was he to decide your course of actions? He was no God — no matter how loving, self-sacrificing and protective this idiot was. Assuming would just make an ass out of him and you anyway. And, just barely, your self-control won over your emotions, and just by a thin thread, you were able to save your teeth by loosening the subconscious tension in your jaw, before speaking up once more, voice tightly controlled and dangerously calm — because there was one thing you didn’t get for the life of yours.