Chapter Text
It feels cruel, but at the same time I can’t reconcile that feeling with who I know Levi to be. It was supposed to be a milestone, something exciting and meaningful and he just… pulled the rug from under my feet and I don’t even know why. My Levi wouldn’t make me feel this way, surely? He wouldn’t leave me out in the cold like this, confused, at a loss and pretty much just… hurting. But that’s exactly what he’s done.
When I think about how much courage it took to ask the question in the first place it makes me feel pathetic.
oOo
“And a lot of people think that the movie is basically about this big romance between Aragorn and Arwen when really, really it’s about friendship and perseverance in the face of unfathomable odds to overcome evil. And a ring. It’s about a ring.”
We’re on my sofa, deciding to stay in for the night to watch a movie which Levi admittedly picked and I’m actually enjoying. Comfy and in our sweats, I sit with my feet propped up on the coffee table, Levi reclined against me with his head in my lap so that I can gently drag my fingers through his hair, a small smile on my lips as he expounds about the virtues of Tolkien. I love hearing him speak about anything with passion. I love his passion. I love him.
“You’re putting me to sleep.”
“Hmm?”
“This.” He gestures near his head. “I love when you do that.”
“Pay back.”
He looks up at me and I smirk, straightening his glasses for him. He’s taken to contacts at work but when at home with me; he reverts back to his glasses. It’s most likely because Helm isn’t here to help him but I do like to think that it’s because he’s just comfortable here.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re always messing with my hair at work. Dragging me into on call rooms and mauling me.” I grin. “Have you any idea how much crap I get from Linc if I forget to smooth it down?”
He snorts. “I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not.”
He grins. “You’re right, I’m not. It’s like leaving my mark on you. Seeing as I can’t actually –”
“It’s a simple rule, honey. Nothing above the collar. The rest of me is all yours.”
“Maybe I want people to see.”
“Then grab my ass or something, no need to bruise me.”
He laughs, turning his head away against my knee. The sound makes me smile. “I’ll remember that.” He says.
I run my fingers through his hair again and he turns to look up at me, a quiet, small smile in place. I tilt my head slightly. “What?”
“Nothing, I just like looking at you.”
“You’re missing the movie.”
“I’ve seen it five hundred times.”
“Then why are we watching it?” I laugh.
“Because you haven’t seen it and I love it and I want you to love it too.”
“I love it.” My thumb traces the shape of his jaw. “Love you, too.”
He hums softly, turning his head to press his lips against my wrist.
“Levi?” I swallow, my throat suddenly dry and my heart in my throat as I realise I’m finally going to do it, I’m just going to ask. “Do you…would you want to…uh…”
He gives me a confused smile, his brow creasing and his voice soft, affectionate. “Why do you sound nervous? You’re never nervous.”
“Do you want to live with me?”
He sucks in a quick breath. He slowly sits up, his arm braced over me on the arm of the sofa, his back to the TV. “You want me to move in?”
I swallow hard, wanting so much to just be smooth and charming like every time I’d rehearsed asking him in my head. “Yes please. Please move in.”
He blinks rapidly, a smile instantly splitting across his face and he moves quickly with an excited yell to straddle my lap, his arms wrapping tightly around my neck.
“Is that a yes?” I ask, laughing when I feel rapid-fire kisses all over my face.
His arms wrap viper-tight around my neck and I hear a muffled, excited “yes!” somewhere near my ear.
He loosens his hold to give my shoulders a shake. “Yes! Yes of course you gorgeous, silly man!” He suddenly gasps, his hands cupping my face and his eyes wide. “Can I bring my bread maker?”
I laugh. “You can bring your mom if you want; I just want to live with you.”
He gives me an adoring look, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks as he briefly touches his brow to mine and then presses the softest of kisses to my lips. “I love you.”
I hum into his kiss, blinking in surprise when he suddenly rips his lips away from mine and hops up. He grabs my hand, pulling me up off the sofa and reaches for the remote, pointing it at the TV and switching it off. “Let’s go celebrate.”
“You’re going to make me put clothes on and go out?” I groan.
“Pfft,” he drags me towards the bedroom. “I’m going to make you take clothes off and I’m keeping you all to myself.”
“Oh,” I smirk, pacified. “Ok then, lead the way.”
oOo
Hard to believe that was only a week ago. Two nights ago was supposed to be the night. His shift had finished a good eight hours before mine that day, so the plan was for him to head straight over to my– now our apartment to start moving in. Never had I been so desperate for a shift to end so that I could go home to find Levi amongst a chaos of boxes, ignoring them all in favour of baking bread in the kitchen.
When I got home, however, it was quiet. The smile slid from my face when I walked through the door, already calling his name, only to note that the lights were off and there were no boxes to be seen anywhere. I called out for him, and nothing. Flicking on the lights I was already reaching for my cell to call him and check that everything was ok, to see what the hold-up had been, but then something caught my eye. Or rather, an empty space where Levi’s cook books used to stand in my kitchen caught my eye.
Instantly a spike of unease, a sinking feeling of imminent disappointment and anxiety began to rise in me. The few text books he left here to study, gone. His toothbrush and razor in the bathroom, gone. The spare draw in the bedroom dresser where he kept a few changes of clothes now stood open and empty. Instead of making himself at home, he’d removed himself from it completely. The only question was why?
It took me a few minutes to gather the courage to call him, afraid of what he was going to say when he picked up, but he didn’t pick up. When the voicemail clicked over, all I could say was… “Levi…um, I don’t know what… are you ok? Call me.”
He didn’t call, instead he texted, and not until hours later when I was really beginning to worry and on the verge of driving to his mother’s house.
Levi: I’m so sorry
Me: Are you ok? What’s going on?
Levi: I just need some space, I’m sorry I know how that sounds.
Me: I’m really confused here, Levi.
Levi: I know. I’m not sure if I can do this.
Me: This? Move in? Or do you mean us? Why are we texting, can I call?
Levi: Please don’t call. I can’t hear your voice right now, it’ll be too much.
Me: Just talk to me.
Levi: I think I may have gotten ahead of myself here. With this. With us.
Me: Moving in, or…?
Levi: All of it.
Me: You don’t have to move in, if it’s too soon then that’s ok, we can just carry on as we are
Levi: No. We can’t.
Me: Of course we can. If I put pressure on you to do this then I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intension. I can totally wait. Let’s just go back to how it was. You can still keep your books and toothbrush over here, that’s nothing, right?
Levi: Stop. Stop being so nice.
Me: I don’t know what you want from me.
Me: Levi?
Me: You still there?
Levi: I am so, so sorry.
Me: I don’t understand. What’s changed in a day? You were as excited as I was to do this a day ago, everything was fine, I don’t understand.
Levi: I’m just overwhelmed, Nico. I’m completely overwhelmed.
Me: What can I do?
Levi: There’s nothing you can do
Me: That’s ridiculous, of course there is.
Levi: I know how unfair a request this is, but can I please just have some time and space to think? I’m so sorry to hurt you, that’s the last thing I want to do but I need breathing room.
Me: Will you eventually explain this all to me?
Levi: Of course.
Me: I love you.
Me: Levi?
Me: Levi…
Me: Levi please
Me: ok then.
His silence was deafening, and what’s worse, he never called. Two days and nothing. All voicemails and texts, after a day of leaving him alone –the longest I could manage, much to my embarrassment– went completely unanswered. I don’t even know if we’re together. He’s avoided me completely at work which is easily achieved given how conflicting our shifts are this week, but he’s made sure to not cross paths with me regardless.
I feel stupid. I feel alone. But on the plus side I’m nicely drunk at Joes, hoping, as pathetic as it sounds, that he might turn up. Linc keeps trying to cheer me up, which is annoying, but eventually even he took the hint and now I’m sat alone at the bar, throwing back shots and casting the occasional glance over at the interns who sit together at one of the tables. They know, they must do.
A hand on my shoulder makes my jolt.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, do you?” Linc says quietly beside me, glancing at the table of interns like he can read my mind.
I shrug his hand off. “They’re probably over there laughing.”
“No, no one’s laughing, Nico.” He says gently.
I tap one of the empty shot glasses in front of me on the bar to get the bartender’s attention. “Another, please.” I settle for my beer bottle, slumping further over the bar and picking at the label.
“Nico…” Linc says, though I can tell he doesn’t know what to say.
“It’s fine.” I shrug. “He doesn’t want to be with me anymore…” I clench my jaw and swallow hard. “Would just be nice to know why.”
Linc squeezes my shoulder; unable to find the right thing to say because there is nothing he can say.
I throw back the shot as soon as it’s placed in front of me. “’Cuz you know, if I just knew what I did wrong perhaps I could fix it, but….” I turn my head away from him when to my utter mortification my voice begins to tremble. This is so dumb.
“Why don’t you let me drive you home?”
“He was going to bring his bread maker.” I mutter. “I made space for it and everything.”
“What?” Linc asks, frowning.
“Two beers, please.”
We both glance to the side and see Helm standing there, ordering drinks. She glances at us and then just as quickly looks away, her stance suddenly uncomfortable.
“Hey,” I say, to get her attention. “Taryn, right?”
She clears her throat, looking at Linc and then at me. “Yes.”
“Has he spoken to you? Is he staying with you?” I try to stand casually but fail abysmally as I almost lose my footing. Linc’s hand under my arm steadies me.
“Ok,” he says. “Time for me to take you home.”
“One second.” I try and shrug him off again but he won’t let me. “Hey, just tell me…is he ok at least?”
She takes the two beers handed to her and pauses as she turns away from the bar. “No, not really.”
Without saying another word she heads back to her table. I look at Linc and give him a humourless laugh. “I’ve got quite the knack for embarrassing myself in front of interns, apparently.”
“Time for home, come on.”
“I hate this feeling.” I admit quietly. “I hate it.”
“I know buddy, come on.”
I throw some cash onto the bar, and then with my hand subtly using his shoulder for balance I follow him out. He somehow gets me to my car, fishes the keys out of my pocket and drives me home. He even gets me into the elevator, taking me up five floors to my apartment. I’m half asleep when suddenly he stops in his tracks.
“You’ve got some nerve, don’t you?”
I look at him. “What?”
“Not you.”
He gestures ahead and I feel a sudden punch to the gut when I see Levi stand from where he’d been sat crossed legged, his back to my front door. I immediately try and stand by myself, straightening my clothes.
“Uh, I can stay, if you need me to…” Linc says with a small frown, clearly unsure as to what he should do in this situation.
“Please go,” Levi says. “We need to talk.”
“Not your call to make.” Linc says with an edge to his voice. “What do you want me to do, Nico? Want me to get him out of here?”
I suddenly hate that I’m drunk. I shake my head no. “No, he owes me an explanation.” I walk towards the front door, swaying on my feet only slightly as I clumsily fiddle with my keys. “And then he can leave.”
Linc lets out a heavy sigh, running his hand through his hair. Eventually he holds both hands up, palms out and shrugs helplessly. “Alright. Call me, ok? Call if you need anything.”
He spares Levi an unfriendly look and then leaves.
I unlock the door, glancing back at Levi behind me who lifts remorseful, bloodshot eyes to meet mine. “So did you forget something when you were getting your crap out of my apartment? Is that why you’re here? Because I know you’re not here to speak to me. You don’t like talking to me anymore, apparently.”
I push the door open, flipping the switch and throwing my keys towards where the table stands, though I’m pretty sure I hear them hit the tiled floor of the kitchen instead.
“I deserve that.” He says quietly, dropping his backpack by the door.
I yank the fridge door open, reaching for a beer.
“Are you sure you should–” he stops dead when glance back at him. “Sorry.” He practically whispers.
“So do I offer you one?” I snort. “I mean I know you’re probably not staying long, but what’s protocol for when your ex turns up on your doorstep unannounced?”
“Is that what I am now?”
“You tell me.” I set the beer down on the kitchen counter with a thump. “I mean what the hell, Levi?”
He flinches, closing his eyes and nodding. “I know. You don’t have to say it. I took the coward’s way out; I just didn’t know what to do.”
“You talk to me, that’s what!”
He nods his head. “I’m sorry, you’re right.”
I turn away for a moment, shoulders slumping. “Am I just a complete idiot, here? Did I imagine this relationship and try to make it something that it’s not, or…?”
He shakes his head. “No, no I was right there with you, what we have–”
“Have or had? I don’t even know if we’re together.”
I see his jaw clench, his eyes growing glassy. “I know I don’t want to be broken up? I don’t want to be without you.”
“Then why, Levi?” I suddenly feel exhausted. “What went wrong, and why would you let me just…just stew over this without any answers?”
He glances at the sofa. “Can we sit?”
I sigh, feeling admittedly tired and unsteady on my feet, so I make my way over to the sofa and sit in the corner, hands in my lap. He sits down beside me, lifting one knee to face me, inching closer as if he’s afraid of crowding me.
“I didn’t mean to let you stew. It’s just taken a minute to get my thought process inline to…to try and make sense of this.” He frowns sadly. “I hate that I did this to you, I’ve only ever wanted to make you happy.”
He takes a deep breath and then reaches to gently turn my chin to face him. “First of all, I love you. That didn’t fade for a second, I love you like nothing else and while…while I like the direction this is going in, there are certain things that I…that I feel we are not ready for.”
I feel the flush of rejection and embarrassment creep up my neck and swallow hard. “I told you,” I admit quietly. “If you didn’t want to move in that’s fine–”
He closes his eyes and shakes his head in frustration. “I want to move in; I didn’t fake that reaction when you asked. I was over the goddamn moon.”
I stare at him. “Then colour me freakin’ confused, Levi.”
“I’m talking about…” he struggles with his words and breaks off with an audible sigh. “I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have, I hate seeing you this vulnerable, or at least this kind of vulnerable...”
“Levi–”
“I found the ring.” He says softly.
I feel a deep frown etch across my brow. “What?”
“When I was unpacking? I found it, at…at the back of the sock draw?”
Realisation dawns on me and I’m hit with a gut clenching, curdling sense of mortification. I close my eyes and stand, turning my back to him and rubbing the back of my neck. “Oh god…”
“No, no…” I hear him stand behind me and his hands grip the back of my sweater to keep me from walking away. “Please don’t be embarrassed, I…” he lets out a harsh breath. “This is why I needed time, I didn’t want to end things I just didn’t know how to…how to say no.” He says as delicately as possible. “How do I say no to the sweetest, most beautiful gesture from the sweetest most beautiful guy in the world without losing him?”
“Any chance I can convince you it’s not what you think it is?”
“I know what an engagement ring looks like, Nico.” He says softly, making me wince.
“Can you… can you please just leave? This…this is beyond mortifying I can’t–”
“No.” He says firmly, his arms suddenly wrapping tightly around my waist, his cheek pressed against the back of my shoulder. “No you’re going to have to pry me off and force me out the door. I won’t let you be embarrassed by…by what is the sweetest, most romantic…” His voice breaks and I hear him take a shaky breath as he presses his forehead to the nape of my neck. “I love you, and I will make you feel that if it kills me.” He peppers kisses against my shoulders. “I love you, I love you, I love you…”
“I wasn’t… it’s not…”
“It’s ok; you don’t have to explain anything. I’m the one who acted terribly and I am so sorry for–”
“No. I mean I wasn’t waiting for you to move in to…to propose. I wasn’t going to propose.”
He freezes behind me, then forcibly turns me to face him. I can barely bring myself to meet his gaze. “Excuse me?”
I swallow hard. “What…what I mean to say is that…”
“Nico, please tell me I didn’t just have a complete mental breakdown over what is nothing more than a simple misunderstanding.”
“That ring…”
He lets go of my arms, taking a step back. Now it’s him that looks mortified. “Oh god, that ring wasn’t for me at all, was it? Oh gross, you probably bought it for an ex and I just assumed–”
“I bought it for you.”
He frowns. “Then I don’t understand.”
I quickly wet my lips. “It’s for you. I had every intention of eventually proposing to you with that ring…at some point in the future.”
He studies me closely and for the life of me I can’t read him, even when he steps closer. “When did you buy that ring?”
I wince. “Don’t make me answer that.”
“Nico.” He insists, though his voice is soft.
Realising that I am not getting out of this unscathed, without eating some intense humble pie, I sit back down on the sofa. He sits next to me and then changes his mind, sitting instead sideways right in my lap.
“So you can’t walk away from this.” He explains.
Without thinking my hand rests on his leg, when I realise what I’m doing I awkwardly move it away but his hand quickly catches mine and rests it back on his thigh. “Go on,” he encourages.
“You remember when we went to Kerry Park?”
“We go there a lot.”
“The first time.”
He nods, a fond smile pulling at his lips. “Ok.”
“We were sitting on a bench, and I was alternating between devouring a hotdog and yammering on about playing football in college…”
“I remember, Mr Quarterback.”
“Well, you were kind of sitting there, leaning your arm over the back of the bench, resting your chin in your hand and you had this…this little smile on your face?”
“I like listening to you talk.”
I give him a small smile. “Anyway, you told me to ‘hang on a second’ and you kind of bit your lip and reached to wipe what I’m sure was a very sexy splodge of mustard from the corner of my mouth.”
He laughs. “I remember that. You were so damn cute.”
“Well, you kind of looked at me like…I don’t know. Like I was this secret you wanted to keep? Like at that moment, the whole world was just the two of us on that bench.” I lift a shoulder in a shrug. “And I just knew.”
“Knew what?”
“That I wanted you to look at me like that forever. That I wanted to be sitting on that park bench with you fifty years from now, with you wiping mustard away from my goddamn mouth.”
He lets out a watery laugh, lifting his hand to stroke his thumb against my cheek.
“I knew that the best thing that would ever happen to me had already happened – meeting you. I suddenly wanted everything I’d always shrugged off as cliché.”
“Like what?”
I lift my shoulder again in a half-shrug. “Lazy Sunday mornings in bed. You brining me coffee, you reading the paper. Getting a dog. Buying a house. Arguing over what cutlery to add to the registry or where we’d honeymoon. Mortgages, kids… all of it. All that stuff suddenly made sense.”
There’s a catch in his voice when he speaks. “Because I wiped mustard away from your mouth?”
I shake my head. “Because you already felt like home. Because nothing would ever compare to just sitting with you on that park bench.”
He lets out a harsh breath. “Nico…” He pulls me into soft yet urgent kiss. His breath shudders against my lips and I only pull away when I feel his tears against my cheek.
“What’s this?” I ask softly, brushing away the dampness from beneath his eyes.
“I nearly walked away from you. I can’t believe I almost walked away from this.”
“I guess I understand why you were feeling overwhelmed. I probably would have been too, in your shoes.”
“I handled it poorly.”
I concede to that with a tilt of my head. “Yes.” And he laughs.
“When did you…?”
“When did I buy the ring?”
He nods.
“It just kind of happened. I saw it the next day in a store front and I instantly imagined dropping to one knee with that ring in my hand one day. It seemed perfect, and oddly enough not crazy?”
“No?” He laughs a little. “That day in the park… Nico, it was only our second date.”
I press my lips together in a tight line, feeling heat touch my cheeks. “It already felt inevitable, like a done deal, it was just a matter of when. I figured having the ring would just mean I’d be prepared for when the right day did arrive.”
He gently touches his brow to mine, sniffing quietly. “You are so precious to me, you know that?”
“So this isn’t over?”
“We could never be over, even if we tried.”
“You know you don’t have to move in, right? We can move completely at your speed and –”
“That is my speed.”
“So…?”
He nods. “If you can forgive my slight freak out, I’d very much like to still move in. Nowhere else is going to feel like home now.”
I pull him tighter against me, relief rushing through me. “When I thought we were over?” I murmur, a lump forming in my throat. “I didn’t…I didn’t even know what to do with myself. Two days, just two measly days and I was so miserable without you.”
He hugs me close, his hand stroking over the back of my head and his lips pressing against my temple. “I will never let you feel that again, I swear.”
“Ok, good. Now let’s go get your stuff.”
He lets out a surprised laugh. “It’s gone midnight; you want me to move now?”
“Just the little things. Your cook books, your tooth brush…”
He smiles. “What do you think’s in my backpack?”
There’s that sense of relief again. “Ok. Next thing on the agenda then is to throw away that goddamn ring.”
“What? No.”
I stare at him for a second. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No, hey, look.” He says with a small laugh. “Am I ready to get married? No, not even close and I don’t think you are either. But that’s not to say that I don’t love that that’s where you see this going.”
“You’re sure?”
The look he gives me is intimate and his finger strokes over my cheek as his eyes drop to my lips. His voice is soft and smooth. “Thinking of you on one knee with that ring makes me weak. You are absolutely my future. But that’s the future. Our present is just you and me in this apartment with a long stretch of time ahead of us.”
“So…what? I keep it in the sock draw?”
A smile that I don’t quite understand spreads across his lips and whispers in my ear “keep it secret, keep it safe.”