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"I need to tell you something," Jungkook bites his lip and tucks his head further into his oversized black hoody.
Jungkook had dragged Yoongi in here, no context, tone serious and almost ominous. They've been roommates for almost 6 months now and Yoongi's never seen him like this. It's sort of scary, how intense his gaze is. Like he's about to tell Yoongi he's dying, or moving out, and to be honest Yoongi doesn't know which would be worse. Shit. That sounds bad—he just means, Jungkook's sort of changed his life and if he left he might self-destruct.
"What's wrong?" Yoongi frowns, eyes widening.
"Nothing's wrong, at least—I hope nothing's wrong. I hope you don't think it's wrong."
"What's up, Kook?"
"I..." Jungkook takes a deep breath, shoulders going up to his ears and then dropping as he exhales, "I'm gay."
Yoongi blinks, "What?"
"I'm gay. And uh—I wanted to tell you because, uh, I want to be able to bring people over sometimes but I didn't want to freak you out if you saw me kissing some guy and like—"
"It's, it's fine," Yoongi interrupts, he doesn't want Jungkook thinking he's some homophobic jerk. "I thought you were gonna tell me you were dying or some shit. I'd much rather you were gay than dying."
"Uh, thanks?" Jungkook says, confused.
"Sorry. Uh," Yoongi scratches his neck, "It's fine. I mean. I don't mind that you're gay. As long as, like, you don't hit on me. Because I'm straight."
Jungkook rolls his eyes, snorting, "Yeah. I got that. The 'babes before bros' patch on your jacket kinda gave that away."
"Yeah. Well. Gotta let the people know," Yoongi considers his friend. "Why are you just telling me now?"
"Uh, well. I feel like I wanna give dating a try for awhile. I was really busy last semester and," he shrugs, "now I'm not not, so it seems like a good time."
"Okay," Yoongi nods, "Well. Good talk. If you ever don't want me to come home, shoot me a text."
"Yeah, obviously. But uh—you are okay if I just hang out with guys here right? When you're home too? It won't make you uncomfortable?" Jungkook checks.
"It's fine," Yoongi repeats, "Really. You've seen me with plenty of girls. It's not any different."
"Right. Thanks, okay."
"You really didn't need my permission, by the way," Yoongi comments as he gets up, grabbing a soda from the fridge.
"Not everyone I've ever lived with has been okay with it," Jungkook admits softly. Oh, Yoongi gets it, there's some shitty people out there.
"I'm sorry. That sucks."
"Yeah," Jungkook huffs, "It did. You wanna know something crazy?"
"What's that?" Yoongi asks, planting his ass back on the couch and cracking open his drink.
"My first roommate, freshmen year, I told him this same thing and he said if I couldn't find a good dick to suck I could have his," Jungkook shakes his head and Yoongi's mouth drops open in disbelief.
"What the fuck?"
"I know right? I said the same thing. I asked for a new roommate the next day and I've never told any of roommates again."
"Except for me," Yoongi muses smiling, "I'm glad you trust me, Kook. I'd never, fuck, I'd never be an asshole like that."
"I know," Jungkook smiles back, shoving his hood off and shaking his fluffy hair out, "That's why I told you."
Yoongi nods, "Wanna help me make kimbap?"
"Yeah," Jungkook agrees.
They shuffle into the tiny kitchen and work together seemlessly. Stepping around each other like they have radar signals bouncing off each other. Yoongi chops veggies and Jungkook preps the rice, then they stand side by side dressing their kimbap as they please and rolling it up.
They float back to the living room and silently agree to rewatch Strong Woman Do Bon-Soon and it's the most relaxed Yoongi's been in weeks. They both finally got some time off and can be friends, be roommates, and just hang out. When they watch TV, they almost never laugh at the same parts and yet they both love the same shows. Yoongi likes soda and Jungkook likes seltzer, they both like kimbap but they prefer different fillings.
Honestly, Jungkook is the best roommate he's ever had. Something like Jungkook being gay is never gonna change that.
-- i.
The guy Jungkook has over is cute. He's really cute, and Yoongi doesn't get it. The guy keeps running his fingers through his luscious black hair and twisting his diamond earrings and is giving Jungkook the biggest fucking eyes, full of sparkles and more gems. He laughs at just about everything Jungkook says, and Jungkook isn't even being that funny. But Jungkook is eating it up, and keeps feeding the guy compliments as they play Scrabble on the coffee table.
Jimin. His name is Jimin. And Scrabble? Really? Is there anything more pretentious?
Yoongi rolls his eyes and goes back to staring at his laptop screen. He's a Creative Writing major, because he's a dumbass like that. Getting some useless degree just because he's passionate about it. It's not useless, it's incredible, Jungkook's voice says in his head.
"Jesus, you're damn good at this game," Jungkook says to his date.
Yoongi can't help himself and peeks over again from where he sits at the kitchen table. Jungkook is grinning at Jimin with creases by his eyes.
"Thanks, Kookie," Jimin responds, and the nickname makes Yoongi's stomach churn. Really? Kookie? Like a goddamn dessert. It seems like this guy just wants to get in Jungkook's pants if the level of physical contact is anything to go by. He keeps reaching across the table and grabbing Jungkook's hand, he fed Jungkook literal grapes earlier—it's pretty desperate, from Yoongi's perspective.
"I've got a few tricks up my sleeve too, though, Jimin-ssi," Jungkook teases.
Yoongi fingers twitch over the keyboard, the blank page mocking him. How does he even start writing a thesis? How do words work? Fuck, how's he gonna ever be an author if language is just an enigma?
"It's hyung to you," Jimin laughs.
"Hmm, well I think—" Jungkook's voice becomes inaudible and Yoongi finds himself straining to hear what comes next. He doesn't catch it, but Jimin suddenly erupts into nervous, almost embarrassed, laughter. As if Jungkook has just whispered something scandalous to him.
Jesus, Yoongi needs to pay attention to what he's working on. The library is shut for a holiday and so he's trapped here, listening to Jungkook's goddamn date.
He cracks his fingers for the millionth time, changing the font and writing the date at the top of the page. Yoongi takes a deep breath and shoves his headphones in his ears, letting the calming music of Lee So Ra wash over him as he begins typing.
She stared at the radio. It was just like every night before, waiting for her favourite programme to come on after the ad about plant fertiliser. It was only on once a week, Tuesdays, at 3am. Truly one of the worst slots for a djhsios |
Yoongi glares over at the living room. Jimin is giggling a lot, a hell of a lot, and—god—it's because Jungkook has apparently pulled him over to sit on his lap, their foreheads pressed together. Jimin is giggling as Jungkook's fingers rake hungrily through the elder's hair. Yoongi hates this. He never imagined Jungkook would be so damn shameless with his dates, right in front of Yoongi's fucking salad.
He sighs.
"Hey, guys?" Yoongi calls.
The googly-eyed couple jumps and look over at Yoongi in surprise, as if they totally forget he existed.
"Yeah?" Jungkook calls.
"Can you like? Tone it down a bit? I'm trying to work on my thesis."
"Oh," Jungkook taps Jimin's back and he slips off the younger's thighs, "Sorry, hyung. We'll try and behave."
"I don't know the meaning of the word," Jimin says conspiratorially.
Jungkook laughs.
"You're fine, just—you know," Yoongi tells them, and then looks back at a his screen. Ugh.
- ii.
"What happened to Jimin?" Yoongi asks, scrubbing the dirty pan harder.
"Jimin?"
"Yeah," Yoongi says, "I thought you were dating him?"
"Oh, no. We just went out a couple times, we weren't really dating. We didn't match," Jungkook explains, taking the pan from Yoongi and drying it with a towel.
"So what's up with this Seokjin guy, then?"
"Well, we're in robotics club together but we're always on different teams. I've been trying to kick his ass for months but he's a really good programmer. My robots always lose."
"So why are you going out with him then?"
"Because rivalry is sexy, hyung," Jungkook jokes.
Yoongi rolls his eyes fondly, rinsing the sponge and grabbing the next spaghetti-sauce covered dish, "True."
"He's really, really, handsome. I can't believe he said yes, honestly. He's like—fuck, he's stunning. Hell, he'd probably turn you gay hyung."
"I thought you couldn't turn gay."
"Well, you can't, I guess. But like, sexuality is fluid so fuck that. You can like, explore. Anyway—that's not my point. My point is that I've fucking hit the jackpot."
"Well, you know what they say about guys with pretty faces, Kook," Yoongi grumbles sourly.
"What?" Jungkook questions, sounding genuinely curious.
"They got shit personalities. Is he rich too?"
"Well—"
"Oh, then he's probably got double shit personality. Narcissistic and snobby. Good luck on your date, Kook."
A hand hits Yoongi's shoulder and he looks up to see Jungkook frowning, brows furrowed.
"What?"
"What's your issue, hyung?"
"Huh?" he tries to pass Jungkook the clean plate, but the younger shakes his head.
"Why would you say that? Seokjin is really, really nice. He tells jokes and he has a contagious laugh, and he's super thoughtful towards his teammates. He's not—" Jungkook's frown deepens— "a narcissist."
Yoongi's mouth parts in realisation. Fuck. He fucked up. What the hell is he saying? Why is he being so rude? Jesus.
"Oh, Kook-ah," he sets the plate down in the sink and braces his hands on the edge of the counter, "I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I'm, uh, I guess I was trying to be funny? But," he grimaces, "I really wasn't, was I? I'm sorry."
"It's fine," Jungkook breathes, but it doesn't sound like it's actually fine. Hell, Yoongi deserves that though. His internal filter is switched off for some goddamn reason.
"I'm gonna go get ready for my date," Jungkook says, throwing the towel down and leaving Yoongi to finish the dishes on his own.
-- iii.
Yoongi didn't mean for this to happen, he really didn't, but somehow he ended up at the same bar as Jungkook. Only they're not here together, and Jungkook is on the dance floor grinding against some guy that Yoongi recognises from the University's dance team. Hoseok, maybe?
Jungkook, thankfully, hasn't spotted him. He doesn't want the younger to think he's following him around or trying to interrupt. Truthfully, Yoongi just came here to find cute girl to talk to and maybe go home with. Jungkook had said he wouldn't be home, and now Yoongi knows why. He wonders why Jungkook didn't tell him he had another date.
Yoongi realises he's staring at Jungkook running a hand over Hoseok's chest and jerks his head away. He feels warm, his teeth set on edge. Jungkook really just likes to flaunt, doesn't he? The confident bastard. Yoongi rubs at his temples, remembering that when they first met each other Jungkook smirked when he announced proudly he could totally pick Yoongi up bridal style and carry him across the threshold of their brand new apartment.
Yoongi had rolled his eyes and called bullshit, and Jungkook had rolled up the sleeves of his hoody to reveal veins fucking bulging out of his forearms and had scooped Yoongi up, no sweat, into his arms. Then he was carried across the threshold and Jungkook went as far as to drop Yoongi on his mattress.
"Oh my god, this isn't our fucking wedding night," Yoongi had shouted, before bursting into a fit of nervous laughter. He'd never been picked up like that before and Jungkook's strength was shocking to him. Who knew people could legit do that? In real life?
"That's 'cause you're playing," Jungkook had joked.
As they unpacked their boxes their belongings fit together like puzzle pieces. Jungkook's rug matched Yoongi's lamp for the living room, they both had a collection of mis-matched mugs that they combined into one, big, messy collection in the cupboard. Jungkook knew everything there was to know about fitting Lots of Things into Small Spaces and Yoongi had the eye for aesthetics. Their apartment came together with ease, almost as if they'd drawn up a blueprint beforehand and designed it for months.
Yoongi sighs into a fruity cocktail and peeks back at the dance floor. Jungkook and Hoseok are chest to chest now, Hoseok's hands in Jungkook's hair and Jungkook's on the dancer's hips. Fuck, why don't they just get a room instead of being all up in Yoongi's face about it?
He shakes himself. What the fuck is he even talking about? They don't know he's here. Hoseok doesn't even know him. And plus, Jungkook hadn't even mentioned the date. It was literally the opposite of rubbing it in Yoongi's face. Then why is he so irritated?
He knows he shouldn't be taking this so personally, he knows.
Which is why he can't explain why tucks himself away in a corner, ordering shots and pretzels, occasionally glancing over to see if Jungkook is still there.
He's reminded, distinctly, of the house parties he and Jungkook attended at the beginning of the year. When he and Yoongi claimed seats on the stairs and people-watched, Yoongi trying to get up the nerve to approach the girl from his Chinese Lit class. Jungkook had been a great wingman, slung his arm over Yoongi's shoulders and said, "Hyung, she'd be an idiot not to dance with you."
Yoongi looked sharply at him, aghast, "I don't wanna dance. I just wanna talk."
"Aw, that's so cute, hyung."
"I'm a writer, what do you expect?" Yoongi pouted.
"She'll appreciate that hyung, prove to her not all men are trash."
Yoongi laughed, "All men are trash."
Jungkook smiled at him, encouraging, "Not you, though."
Yoongi had scoffed, but the praise had worked and he approached the girl.
Yoongi doesn't know he's thinking about this—maybe because he feels bad for never returning the favour of wingman, but then again he hadn't known Jungkook was gay before so he would have been pretty shit at it anyway.
Jungkook and Hoseok don't disappear until an hour later, when Jungkook drags the dancer through the sea of people towards the back. Fuck, towards Yoongi.
The older ducks his head and stares intently at his bowl of pretzels until he's sure Jungkook has passed by. He lets out his breath and—shit—he shouldn't be here. Fuck, he should have left the second he spotted his roommate. Fuck. He goes to the bar, pays off his tab, and leaves in a rush.
He ends up falling asleep on the couch, unable to even make it to his room. This turns out to be a poor choice when he wakes the next morning to the sound of Jungkook making coffee and breakfast. Yoongi's head is pulsing with a headache.
He sits up, rubbing his face.
"Good morning. Rough night?" Jungkook asks. He's cracking eggs over the stove, rice frying up in another pan.
"Ugh."
"I saw you, you know."
Yoongi's eyes snap open.
"You could have came and said hi. You could have danced with us. You looked really lonely drinking," Jungkook says.
"Fuck, in sorry. I didn't know you saw me."
"Was I not suppose to?" Jungkook raises a brow.
"Uh, I mean, I don't know. I didn't want it to be weird."
"And why would it be weird, hyung?" Jungkook presses, scrambling the eggs as the cook.
"Uh..."
"Were you uncomfortable with me dancing?"
"No!" Yoongi answers too fast and Jungkook tilts his head at him.
"C'mon. You thought me and Hoseok were on each other too much. Right?"
Yoongi deflates, he can't lie, "Well..."
"Even though the straight couple next to us literally had their hands down each other's pants?"
"They didn't—"
"They did," Jungkook interrupts sharply. He pours his eggs over his fried rice and shakes the bottle of chili sauce he pulled from the fridge. "They did, but you still thought me and hyung were inappropriate, right? Because we're both guys?"
Yoongi shakes his head, "Kook, no, I was just—"
"I don't care, Yoongi. Don't fucking do that again. If you see me with someone, lay off. You have no right to judge my relationships when I haven't seen you so much as go out with a girl since I've met you. For someone who talks so much about being straight you sure do spend a lot of time watching me."
Yoongi feels like he's been slapped. He gapes at Jungkook who's grabbing chopsticks out of the drawer and avoiding Yoongi's gaze.
"No, there's not enough omu rice for you," Jungkook says bluntly, "I'll be in my room."
And then he's gone.
-- iv.
Whoever this guy is, he's fucking beautiful. Yoongi doesn't know where Jungkook finds these guys—these model-worthy men that make Yoongi feel like a gremlin. He supposes he's lucky they're all gay or else they'd steal every female Yoongi had a chance with.
"Is he home yet?" The guy, Namjoon, asks.
"Uh, no," Yoongi scratches his neck, "You're here to pick him up for...?"
"A date," he smiles wide, dimples appearing in his cheeks. "We're going to the avian flight museum and then he got us a fancy reservation at one of those rooftop restaurants? I'm really excited. Can I, uh, wait inside?"
For some reason Yoongi feels inclined to say no, but Jungkook would be pissed at him if he did that. Begrudgingly, he steps aside and gestures Namjoon inside. The guy towers over Yoongi and is bigger in every way, but he can't deny that he seems nice. In fact—
They end up killing thirty minutes together discussing the film adaptation to the Princess Bride as opposed to the book. Namjoon is intimidatingly intelligent, and has the incredible ability to speak eloquently and creatively on demand. It's a skill Yoongi wishes he could capture in a bottle and use to write his thesis. He's just opening up his laptop to have Namjoon look over his work when the door unlocks and Jungkook steps inside the apartment.
Yoongi freezes and his stomach fills with dread. He likes Namjoon, a lot, they had a great conversation and it never once felt forced or awkward only now—Namjoon is about to take Jungkook away for the evening and Yoongi hates that. He and Jungkook haven't gotten to watch Strong Woman in months and it's been even longer since they fell asleep on the couch together.
They don't eat breakfast together much anymore because Jungkook is either gone or Yoongi is too stubborn to come out of his room. They didn't even go grocery shopping together this week for the first time ever, and it's honestly terrifying. Where did they go so wrong? How did Yoongi screw up so badly?
"Kook-ah!" Namjoon exclaims and leaps up, "Yoongi and I have been talking about the Princess Bride, I see why you like him so much. He made some great points."
"It's hyung," Yoongi corrects, trying to refrain from shooting daggers with his eyes at Namjoon.
"Oh, sorry," Namjoon apologises, and god why does he have to be so nice? Why are all these guys Jungkook sees so fucking nice? "Yoongi-hyung has been a great host. Do you wanna change or anything before we go?"
"No," Jungkook answers carefully, looking past Namjoon to Yoongi, "I'm okay. I'm sorry to keep you waiting," he apologises and looks back at Namjoon. He steps closer to him and cups a hand behind Namjoon's neck before bringing him in for a kiss. "Wanna go?"
"Yeah, let's," Namjoon says and grabs his coat. He pulls it on and offers Yoongi a friendly wave goodbye before placing that same hand on Jungkook's waist and guiding him out the door.
Just like that they're gone.
Yoongi feels sick to his stomach. Feels like his teeth are rotting out of his face. His head is aching and his lungs feel so compressed they're squeezing his heart out of his throat.
He's had so many nights home alone he's starting to feel like he is alone. Just him and his thesis waving a scythe over his head. Tossing as tries to fall asleep, knowing Jungkook isn't there to fend off any random burglars. He keeps making kimbap alone and eating it alone and staring at his laptop blankly.
He and Jungkook had gotten to be such good friends and suddenly it's all just disappeared.
He goes to bed early, because his brain is reeling and he can't concentrate on studying or writing, and instead just lays there on his side. Yoongi pulls the blankets up to his chin and tucks his hands between his knees, sighing heavily.
On weekends Yoongi liked to pull out his small electric keyboard and practice the few songs he knows, and then just mess around playing random melodies. Jungkook had a habit of humming along with it as he played games or worked on school projects. And in the afternoon Jungkook would have Yoongi draw with him as he practiced his watercolours. Or maybe it would be charcoal, or oil paints, or even crayon.
In the evenings they'd eat ramen and help each other study. They'd sit on the floor swapping pens as they made flashcards. Yoongi had to drink a sip of a green power shake everytime he got something wrong and Jungkook got to happily slurp his green power shake everytime he got something right. It was a good balance. Like a seesaw magically levelling out as the sides became equal.
Now it feels like Yoongi is trapped on the up side, held in the sky, watching from a distance as Jungkook lives his best life. Going out, seeing movies and museums, dancing and eating and getting laid. And Yoongi is merely an onlooker. A side character. A roommate that appears once in the beginning of the movie and never shows up again.
He's lonely. And damn does he feel selfish and idiotic for wishing Jungkook were home more. He misses his friend. So sue him. But Yoongi can't blame Jungkook when Yoongi is the one being a shitty friend. Interrupting dates and being unsupportive. Immediately tuning out of conversations whenever Jungkook mentions the name of one of his dates. He can't stand hearing about it and it's driving him crazy.
The most frustrating part is that Yoongi knows it's just because he's jealous. Not of Jungkook, and definitely not of the guys he's going out with, just of the fact that Jungkook is going on dates and while Yoongi throws himself pity parties like he is right now. Yoongi just wants places to go, other friends to see, and girls to date. But he's got none of that. He can't even begin to comprehend how he would attempt to do that.
Even that doesn't sound exciting though. He doesn't want to go on some picnic date and pretend like he loves the outdoors. Maybe he is jealous of the guys Jungkook is going out with. Not because it's a date, obviously, but because Jungkook is an incredible person, an amazing friend, and an even better roommate. He just wants time together again, but what sort of guy is he if he asks for that after being so rude?
He's trapped.
-- v.
Yoongi made the biggest mistake of his life today. And now he's paying the price.
He told Jungkook he'd be going out, and wouldn't be coming home.
And he'd gone out. Drank some beers, flirted with a pretty girl with long black hair and kissed her at the bar. She'd touched his face so softly and rubbed his thigh just right, but as she was asking him to go home with her he found himself, inexplicably, saying no.
What the fuck? He'd asked himself, what the fuck? And then he flirted with another pretty girl and she smirked at him just right, took his hand and started leading him towards the bathrooms. He made it inside and locked the door, she kissed him and he kissed her back and it felt—
It felt like he shouldn't be doing it. And so he pushed her away.
Kicking himself, he gave up and walked home.
Got home, and fell into bed.
And ten minutes later, he heard Jungkook get home.
Which leads him to now.
Jungkook isn't alone. There's someone with a deep, sultry voice named Taehyung with him. Yoongi can't hear what they're saying through his shut bedroom door, but he does hear quite clearly the moan.
A moan. And then a few bumps, some laughter, and then the heavy squeak of a bed. Jungkook's room is directly through the wall. They have thin walls. Yoongi told Jungkook he'd be gone all night and so now—
Jungkook has company.
"Fuck—" someone grunts and Yoongi and buries his head beneath his pillow. He doesn't want to hear this.
He hears Jungkook speaking, he sounds smooth and calm just like when he tried to teach Yoongi to skateboard—why the fuck is reminded of that? Right now?
And then Jungkook sounds decidedly not like that—and he's gasping and grunts and Yoongi thinks the bed is squeaking again.
Fuck. He doesn't know what to do.
He shoves his headphones in and plays music, staring up at the ceiling and wondering how the fuck things have ended up like this. To the point where he and Jungkook no longer feel like best friends and more like roommates that live together purely due to convenience and not at all because they want to. Like they met online on an app that helps you find roommates and they were decidedly incompatible as friends but damn, the apartment price was too good to say no.
Only, that is how they met. On a goddamn app that helps you find roomates and apartments. But he and Jungkook did hit it off, and they did become friends, best friends, and now they're not. Like a wedge was shoved between them when—
Oh god. When Jungkook came out to him. Yoongi lets out a shuttering breath.
He's been such a shitty friend, hasn't he?
A particularly loud moan and more laughter from the room next door make him him curl up into a ball and squeeze his eyes shut.
-- +1
"You're home."
Yoongi nearly leaps out of his skin at the sound of Jungkook's voice.
"Shit. Yeah, I'm home," he turns around, hot cup of coffee in hand.
Jungkook is standing in the mouth of the hallway, arms crossed, pyjama pants and shirt haphazardly pulled on.
"You don't look like you were out last night," Jungkook continues, skeptical. "I thought you said you'd be out."
"I, uh, went out," Yoongi sips his coffee, avoiding his roommate's eyes.
"And did you stay out?" Jungkook asks, and they both know that Jungkook knows that Yoongi didn't stay out. And that he probably fucking heard Jungkook and Taehyung last night.
Yoongi can't lie, "No."
"When did you get home?"
Yoongi sucks in a breath through his teeth and toes and the cold floor, "Before you did."
"Jesus, Yoongi. Why didn't you say anything? You were supposed to be out. I never would have brought him home if I knew you were here."
Yoongi grits his teeth, "It's fine. It was my bad. I put in headphones and ignored you guys. It was fine."
"That's what you keep fucking saying but why don't I believe you?" Jeongguk demands and Yoongi jerks his chin up. "You say you don't care that I'm gay, that I'm dating, but then you keep fucking doing all this—this—shit that says otherwise."
"Kook—"
"No, Yoongi. If you have a problem with me I need you to just tell me, okay? I know you hate seeing me with guys, and I wish you'd just be honest about it instead of pretending like you're okay with it."
Yoongi has to set the coffee down before he spills it. He eyes are burning and his chest feels like it's caving it.
"I—I'm sorry, Kook-ah," Yoongi whispers.
"It doesn't feel like you're sorry. First you were rude to Jimin, you talked shit about Seokjin who you didn't even know, and then you had the nerve to sit at a fucking bar for hours while as I was on a date and just fucking watch? What the hell was that about? What the fuck was that?" Jungkook inquires, angry. Arms still crossed and scowling.
What hurts the most is the pain in Jungkook's eyes, like all he wants is to understand. Like he's willing to forgive Yoongi if he gives him any kind of apology, any kind of explanation. But Yoongi has nothing. He doesn't know why he acted that way—why he said that shit. It doesn't make sense to him either, so how can he possibly get Jungkook to understand?
"You don't have anything to say?" Jungkook's waits, then sighs in exasperation. "You know I almost thought things were better when Namjoon talked so kindly of you. I thought maybe I'd been seeing stuff wrong, and maybe it was just me. But then I talked to you about how much I really," his voice goes softer, "I really want to be happy. I really want to be loved back. And you said—"
Yoongi cringes, he remembers what he said.
"You said, then maybe you shouldn't sleep around so much. Like—what the fuck Yoongi? Where do you get off saying that?" Jungkook asks, defeated.
"I know. I know, Kook," Yoongi inches forward. He wants to go to his friend and hug him. Apologise and never let go. "I fucked up. And I have been fucking up. I don't know what—what came over me."
"Are you making excuses now?" Jungkook wonders, tired. "I don't want that, hyung. I'm just...disappointed. I thought we were good. I thought we were friends and that we supported each other. But I guess that only worked for you when you thought I was straight, huh?"
Yoongi feels like he's going to cry. It feels like he's losing Jungkook, and not in the way he was losing him before. This time it's not a figment of Yoongi's imagination and ridiculous paranoia, it's real. Jungkook is mad, and betrayed, and rightfully so. Jungkook might leave, and never come back. Yoongi feels just as fucking shitty as that first roommate Jungkook had. Yoongi's totally destroyed the relationship they had, not Jungkook.
Jungkook has just wanted to be honest, and Yoongi had just been selfish.
"I'm so sorry," Yoongi whispers again. His vison is blurring as tears start falling. He doesn't know why he's crying, he's not the one whose been hurt. He's the one doing the hurting. He hates himself for mumbling, "I miss you," through his tears.
Warm arms suddenly embrace him and tries to step away. Yoongi doesn't deserve Jungkook's hugs, Jungkook's kindness, Jungkook's friendship. But the younger is too strong and too tempting and Yoongi falls into his chest and cries. Jungkook strokes his hair and Yoongi cries harder, he doesn't deserve this.
"I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry too, hyung."
"You shouldn't be sorry," Yoongi finally manages to pull away, wiping at his eyes and making Jungkook let him go. He misses his touch but he takes a deep breath. "I've been acting like a massive dick. I said I didn't mind that you're gay, and that you were gonna date, and I meant that. I don't care that you're gay I just—and this doesn't excuse my behaviour at all—I've just hated being alone.
"This apartment is small but it's still too big for me to be here alone. I've missed eating together and watching TV and our weekends hanging out. You kept going out and I had no one else to talk to and so...I've been awful to your dates, and to you. And I'm so sorry. I can't erase what I did, but I really want to make it up to you, Kook-ah. I really don't want to lose you. You're my best friend."
"Hyung," Jungkook says softy, eyes huge and lips parted in a frown. "Hyung. I—I'm sorry. I tried to stay out as much as possible on purpose," Yoongi's stomach clenches at that, "I never thought you'd miss me that much."
God, he must have been worse than he thought, if Jungkook was trying to stay out. Yoongi swallows past the lump in his throat, "Was I that awful to be around?"
"No!" Jungkook says loudly, making Yoongi jump. "No, no. I meant—the reason I started dating was because I knew I never stood a chance with who I really wanted to be with."
Yoongi's thoughts screech to halt. Jungkook wants to be with someone? Jungkook already had his sights set on someone before he ever even started going out, before he came out. Does that mean Jungkook always wanted to be somewhere else when they were hanging out together at home, and Yoongi was second best? A poor replacement of a friend?
"Oh. You wanted to be with someone? Why—uh—didn't you ever try with them?"
Jungkook blinks, staring unflinchingly at Yoongi, "They're straight. I never stood a chance to begin with."
"Well then they're blind," Yoongi finds himself saying, swaying forward and suddenly—suddenly—reminded of every tiny thing he's learned about Jungkook over the course of the past 8 months. Thousands and thousands of reasons that someone should fall in love with Jungkook. His scrunched smile, his cute nose, his excitement, his passion, his mountains of effort and hard work late into the night. His laughter and his intensity. His unconditional love and friendship.
Thousands and thousands of reasons that—
"I'm in love with you."
"Hyung, don't say that."
"No, Jungkook. Fuck," Yoongi rubs his neck in distress and his vision is blurry again. He looks up at Jungkook's beautiful, handsome, kind face. At the concern and doubt and confusion in his eyes. "Fuck. I'm in love with you."
"What are you—" Jungkook's voice catches— "what are you talking about?"
"I'm in love with you. Fuck. I've been such a goddamn idiot," Yoongi threads his fingers in his own hair and tugs, "Shit. I've been such a jackass to you because this whole time I've been fucking jealous. I wanted to be the one sitting on your lap and going to museums with you. I was mean to them because—because I wanted to be them. Fuck, I'm in love you."
"Yoongi, you're not in love with me," Jungkook says quietly, looking so incredibly sad. "You're just trying to make me feel less shitty about being in love with you. But you don't need to do that. I'm trying to get over you, so can you please stop saying that?"
"Jungkook," Yoongi's heart is racing as grabs the other man's wrists, "You're not hearing me."
"I've heard enough."
"No—listen. I—last night, I tried to go home with someone. I kissed them and drank and kissed them but it didn't feel right. It felt bad and like they weren't—they were missing something. I didn't know what it was but now I do. They weren't you."
"Yoongi, I don't think—"
"Jungkook," Yoongi interrupts, "I'm in love with you."
Jungkook stays quiet and then repeats, every so slowly, "You're in love with me."
"I'm in love with you."
"I'm in love with you, though."
"We're allowed to both be in love with each other," Yoongi attempts a smile.
Jungkook shakes Yoongi's hands from his wrists and for a second Yoongi's heart stops—he stops breathing—but then Jungkook intertwines their fingers and he feels like he's soaring. Like he's sprouted wings and is soaring through the sunset and cotton candy clouds as a wave of relief crashes over him.
"I'm so sorry I was being such a shitty friend. I'm so sorry it took me so long to realise—"
"It's okay," Jungkook stops him, "It's okay."
Jungkook leans down and Yoongi's skin is already humming before his lips kiss Yoongi's forehead gently. Yoongi squeezes their hands tightly together and thinks there's a strong chance he might cry again.
"I love you, Kook-ah."
"Yoongi, you have no idea," Jungkook whispers and kisses Yoongi's hair before wrapping the older in a hug. They stand like that for ages, held tight, kept warm, the moment so unbelievable Yoongi's afraid one wrong move will shatter it.
"Oh, damn," Jungkook says suddenly, "I have a date tonight."
Yoongi takes a shallow breath, "With who?"
"Well, I was hoping with you."
Yoongi blushes and pushes and Jungkook's chest, that was too goddamn smooth. "Sounds okay to me."
"Just okay? You know I think I could text—"
"No, no," Yoongi stops him, "It sounds great. It's sounds amazing."