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There aren't words to describe Tartarus to someone who hasn't been there. It's a constant aura of fear and unease, of being unsure where you came from or where you are going. Despite it's ominous, otherworldly glow, Tartarus feels like pitch dark. It's reluctantly splitting up without the certainty that you will ever regroup. Tartarus is relinquishing control, of just crossing your fingers that the shadows will be merciful on you tonight. You don't explore Tartarus - Tartarus explores you. It turns you inside out and lays your insides bare, leaves you vulnerable and exposed and scared - always so, so scared. You can leave Tartarus but it won't leave you.
These are the things Yukari wants to explain, but can't.
Mitsuru arranged for all the SEES members to go to therapy. After the experiences with Tartarus, with Shinjiro and Minako's deaths, after the things they thought they forgot but came flooding back, it only makes sense. Except it doesn't really help. Yukari can't explain her fears to someone who never saw Tartarus. She can't explain what it feels like to finally have found a purpose and a group of friends only to have it all fall apart in her hands. There's no way to frame her distress as normal grief. She isn't just upset at losing two friends. She isn't just upset because two of her last remaining ones are graduating and leaving her behind. She isn't a normal teenage girl living a slightly harder than average life. She's lost everything.
Nothing really seems to help.
It's spring. Mitsuru and Akihiko have officially graduated. They'll be moving out of the SEES dorm in two weeks. Yukari spends all her time with Minako. She's the only one Yukari feels like she can talk to, the only one that properly understands. But it feels hollow, speaking to a grave. And a grave can't speak back. But it can't leave her, either. She knows it's not really Minako; the other girl is gone, there is no changing that. But she can't let go.
It's easy for Yukari to wonder how things could have been different. If her father hadn't been involved with the shadows. If she couldn't evoke a persona. Would Minako still be alive? Would Shinjiro? Would she still feel this despair tearing at her from the inside out, trying and failing to find an outlet? It's easy to wonder, but hard to say.
It's still spring. Akihiko and Mitsuru leave in two days. Yukari can't face them. She thinks about what it would be like to just disappear. To fill up a backpack and just leave. Walk as far away as she can, walk until she either forgets or she dies. She wishes she could. She catches glances of Junpei, who only leaves his room to eat. Of Fuuka, who burns three meals a day trying to distract herself. Of Aegis, powered down in a corner waiting for someone who can never come back. Yukari decides she won't be missed.
The photo of SEES. Crumpled to the bottom, so it can be easily forgotten or retrieved, depending on what mood strikes. A change of clothes. A bottle of water. A handful of granola bars. She won't make it very far, but she isn't trying to. She just wants to leave.
Spring remains. Akihiko and Mitsuru must have left by now. Yukari has been walking for three days. She's tired - that hasn't changed. She misses Minako. She wishes she had walked in the direction of the cemetery. She sits on the river bank. She doesn't know what rivet it is, but it doesn't really matter. She wishes it would carry her away. She can't even cry anymore, she's done too much of that. She just watches the river go by as the sun dips lower and lower into the sky.
Cars pass. The occasional pedestrian, too. Yukari doesn't pay them any mind, and they return the favor. She's finally invisible, and she's not sure if this is what she most wanted or most feared. Somewhere, a motorcycle revs, making Yukari's heart ache. She still remembers the awe at first seeing Mitsuru's bike. She remembers better days. of joyrides and clinging to the other girl's waist, Minako watching and whooping with delight. Of sneaking glances at Mitsuru, stealing a kiss before going into Tartarus. Of being close together - not far apart.
The sound of the motorcycle comes closer, and a part of Yukari wishes it'd veer off the road and crash straight into her. The thought terrifies her. But so does life, at the moment.
It does veer off the road. It does not crash straight into her.
Instead, its rider parks a few feet away from her and removes their helmet. Long, crimson hair greets Yukari's gaze.
"Found you." Mitsuru says.
Yukari doesn't know what to say. As Mitsuru takes a seat on the ground next to her, she musters out a word. "How?"
"I was the navigator, once. If you're lost, it's my job to find you." Mitsuru replies. "Everyone's been worried. We didn't want to lose you too."
"What difference does it make?" Yukari says softly. "You're leaving, anyway. Everyone is. I think Fuuka is moving away. Ken already did. Minako and Shinjiro are gone. Aegis won't wake up. It's just going to be me and Junpei. What's the point?"
"I'm not leaving you, Yukari. I never did. You left me. You won't even talk to me." Mitsuru says.
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child. You may as well have left. Everything we built together is gone. How are you okay with that?" Yukari sniffs.
"I'm not. It hurts more than I have words for. But I've had Aki. We talk, and we grieve together. We give each other strength. But you've just pushed everyone away." Mitsuru replies. "You've pushed me away." she adds, hurt evident in her voice. She reaches for Yukari's hand, but the other girl pulls it away.
Yukari doesn't reply for a while. She stares at the river. "I just don't know what to do. Or how to do it. It's overwhelming. It's like I'm surrounded by an ocean in every direction and I don't even know what direction to start swimming."
"For the time being, it can be enough just to float. As long as you don't let yourself sink, you always have paths to take." Mitsuru says. "And I'll be there with you, if you let me." She reaches for Yukari's hand once more, and this time succeeds in taking it. "Why don't you move in with me? I know it's a little far from Gekkoukan, but I could give you a ride there when I don't have morning classes. Aki will be nearby. You'll see Junpei and Fuuka at school."
"Are you serious?" Yukari says, finally meeting Mitsuru's eyes. "Why?"
Mitsuru hesitates for a moment. "Because I love you, Yukari." she replies. "And I can't bear to see you so lost like this."
Yukari pauses. "Am I lost?" she asks.
Mitsuru takes a moment to think. "Not anymore, I don't think. I'm finally catching a glimpse of the Yukari I know, now." She stands up, and offers Yukari her hand. "You don't have to decide right away. Just know that the offer stands. You'll always have somewhere to call yours with me."
Yukari hesitates, then takes Mitsuru's hand. "Alright." she says, standing and giving Mitsuru a faint smile. "Let's go home."