Work Text:
You're alone
You're on your own
Roman was sat at the dining room table, having dinner with the others, watching them talk and joke with one another. Usually, he would be joining in, but lately, he had been having this rather unwelcome thought, and it wouldn’t go away. Of course, this isn’t the first time he’s thought of this, but it was the first time since Virgil had joined them, and frankly, he really didn’t like it.
As he watched the other three, his mind drifted off. Thoughts bubbled to the surface of his mind, though they all lead back to that one thought in one way or another. He half wished his mind was as easy to fight as the dragon-witch. That would make dealing with his insecurities much easier.
He stood up, walking to the kitchen to wash off his plate in the sink. While doing so, he glanced back at his friends, smiling to himself as they all continued on with their conversation. They hadn’t even noticed he had gotten up, though he guessed that it was his fault. He really hadn’t talked much during dinner. Finishing his cleaning, he placed his plate onto the drying rack and trudged upstairs, running his hand through his hair.
“I really don’t fit in with them, do I?” He laughed halfheartedly to himself before shutting the door to his room.
So what, have you gone blind
Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?
After closing the door, Roman flopped down onto the queen size bed in the middle of the room, burying his face into the pillow. He scolded himself for feeling like this. He had no right to say he didn’t belong. After all, it wasn’t like he made it any better. All he did was scold the others, make them feel lesser. It’s understandable that they wouldn’t notice if he wasn’t there. It’s understandable that they wouldn’t care.
Rolling over, he stared up at his ceiling, which was covered in glow-in-the-dark stars. He traced each constellation with his eyes, ignoring the wetness of the tears dripping down his cheeks. The thoughts, hateful and painful, crept into his mind one by one. He curled himself into a ball, pulling one of the many blankets over his body, using the blanket as a makeshift shield, as if it could protect him from himself. As if it could protect him from his own brain. Another one nipped at the back of his mind. How childish.
After keeping himself in a tightly curled up ball for a minute or thirty, he slowly stretched out his limbs. They were stiff from keeping that position for too long, and for a minute, it hurt. The tears had dried to his face, and he knew that his entire face was red and splotchy. Even though it had been half an hour, the thoughts still clawed and hissed at him, taking over his entire train of thought. He brought his hand up to his other arm, his fingers tracing the veins up and down as he tried to slow his breathing. It didn’t work. God, why couldn’t he do anything right? All he did was mess everything up.
As more and more upsetting thoughts crowded his head, he found it hard to think rationally. To try and get himself to feel something other than miserable, his manicured nails began to scratch. They scratched and scratched, and he watched as red marks appeared up and down his forearm. And for a second, it worked.
Until it didn’t. As he scratched harder and harder, trying to get the thoughts to go away, the thoughts screamed at him louder, ever louder until something broke. The dam behind his eyes reopened and tears flooded out, darkening his bedsheets with the tears. He stopped scratching, wrapping his arms around himself, trembling as the wave of his thoughts bombarded him. He felt sweat trickle down his back although he was cold under his blankets, and breathing was a futile effort. The mantra of thoughts marched through his head one by one until that was all he could think of.
Glass half empty, glass half full
Well, either way, you won't be going thirsty
Count your blessings, not your flaws.
Virgil washed his plate after Logan and Patton had already left the dining room, off to go cuddle or something, he didn’t know. Not wanting to be alone, he made his way up the stairs to his boyfriend’s room, opening the door quietly as to not disturb the creative side. As he walked into the big room quietly, he looked around in confusion. It was dark, a bit too dark even for him. He made his way through the clutter of the room before arriving at the bed, each step making his concern grow. This was very unlike Roman.
Looking down at the bed, he immediately saw the lump covered in blankets. Sitting down on the very edge of the bed, he pulled back the top of the blanket to show Roman’s tearstained face. He forced himself to look calm, no matter the surprise he felt at the look of Roman in this state.
“Roman?” His voice came out as a whisper, but it was just loud enough for Roman to hear.
The man in question curled into himself further, the shaking seemingly growing worse. Virgil drew in a sharp breath, and he made sure to keep his voice quiet. “Ro, I know you can hear me. Focus on my voice, okay? It’ll be alright.”
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King again.
“Breathe in and hold it for five, can you do that for me, Ro?”
Virgil waited until he heard the shaky intake of breath from the curled up ball of creativity. He counted the seconds aloud before murmuring a quiet “Good.” After Roman let out the air in his lungs, Virgil gave him the next step. “Alright, now can you breathe in for five again and hold it for seven?”
Roman did just that, following Virgil’s steps perfectly. A small smile graced Virgil’s lips as he looked down at Roman. “You’re doing amazing, love. Okay, I want you to do that again, but at the very end you let your breath out for eight. You can do it.”
Roman did just that. His overly tense body loosened once again, keeping his arms wrapped around himself. Virgil noticed that the shaking had stopped. He let out a long-held breath as relief washed over him. Cautiously he reached his hand towards Roman before he thought twice and pulled it back.
You don't get what all this is about
You're too wrapped up in your self-doubt
You've got that young blood, set it free.
As Virgil watched Roman lie there wrapped in blankets, a thought crossed his mind. While panic attacks were quite a common occurrence for him, it was shocking that it would happen to Roman. Roman was very egocentric on the outside, unfailingly courageous, proud, and confident in himself. It was unheard of for Roman, the princely figure that he was, to be anxious. That was Virgil’s deal. And that’s why it worried Virgil so much.
“Ro, is it okay for me to touch you?”
A noncommital noise came from the blankets, but Roman inched his head closer to Virgil’s body. Virgil smiled softly at the movement but decided that he had to make sure. “Roman, I’m going to need some verbal consent from you.”
An annoyed grunt came from the blankets but a strained voice mumbled, “Please…”
He reached his arm out and smoothed Roman’s hair from his forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?” Roman leaned into the touch and after a moment or so, nodded. “Okay, well I’ll let you talk whenever you feel like it.” He moved himself up onto the bed fully and Roman moved so he was snuggled into Virgil’s side. It was then that he started talking.
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King.
“I don’t belong with you and the others.”
Virgil’s eyes widened. He looked down at the man snuggled into him in surprise, the brushing of his fingers through Roman’s hair stopping momentarily. “What do you mean? Of course you belong with us. You are the light of my life, you’re the life of the party, you are essential to our little team. Why would you think that?”
“Virgil, think about it. Whenever we’re all trying to solve something together, who’s the one to usually start the arguments? Me.” Roman sighed before continuing. “All I ever do is insult you guys. I even insulted you, and I love you! I mean think about it, all I did for most of the problems was make them worse. I can never get along with Logan, and whenever I’m with Patton I put him down to make myself feel better. I’m sick in the head, Virgil. There’s no doubt about it.”
“Roman, everything you’re saying is absolute bullshit.”
Roman sputtered at Virgil’s choice of words, looking up at Virgil in bewilderment. “But everything I said was entirely true!”
There's method in my madness
There's no logic in your sadness
You don't gain a single thing from misery
Take it from me.
Virgil looked down at the bedsheets. “Roman, do you want to know how I know that you’re wrong?” Roman looked up at him curiously and nodded. “I know you’re wrong because I felt the same way for a really long time. When I clocked out that was the reason. And before you say anything, I know I’m wrong now. Your arguments don’t make sense, and all of us would argue against that. All of us.” He smiled down at the boy in his arms, leaning his head down and kissing the top of his head. “I love you, Roman. It breaks my heart to see you sad. You do belong with us, flaws and all. We all work together, no matter the hardships. That’s how we make it work.”
Roman drew in a shaky breath and Virgil held him closer. “Virgil? I’m so sorry…”
Virgil turned Roman’s body so they were looking at each other face to face. “Roman, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. Your feelings are valid, and I understand where you’re coming from, I really do. But I just needed you to know all of our views. You’re an important part of this team, okay? And you’re an important person to me, though you’re important to all of us of course.” Roman giggled, and he leaned up and kissed Virgil softly.
“Thank you, love.”
You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King.
It took Roman a while, but eventually he started to believe what Virgil was telling him. And Virgil must have mentioned something to Patton too, because Roman was receiving extra physical affection and compliments to the emotional side and less arguments from Logan as well.
He was trying to be better as well. Trying a lot more to compromise with Logan when they disagreed. Trying to be more positive with his nicknames. And it paid off. Life in the mindscape was better than ever, and smiles were more abundant. It was the best feeling in the world.
Virgil had been taking a lot of time alone though, and it kind of worried him. Roman would walk past the anxious side’s room and he would hear music playing, though he didn’t know what song. Virgil claimed that everything was fine and so Roman brushed it off. He wasn’t going to brush it off any more.
The two were sitting in the living room, curled up on the couch together when Roman brought it up. “Virgil, can you tell me why you’ve been closing yourself off recently? I want to make sure everything is okay.”
Virgil smiled at Roman, hugging him closer. “I appreciate your worry, Ro. But everything is fine. In fact, I can show you what I’ve been working on. I think it’s about done.”
He untangled himself from his boyfriend and stood up, leaving Roman alone on the couch. After a few minutes, he came back, carrying the keyboard that was usually set up in his room and he plugged it into the wall, looking over at Roman. “I’ve been learning how to play this song because it reminded me of you. I love you, Ro.”
Roman smiled as the beginning notes began, and Virgil started to sing.
“You've got it all
You lost your mind in the sound
There's so much more, you can reclaim your crown
You're in control
Rid of the monsters inside your head
Put all your faults to bed
You can be King again.”