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jisung can’t stop thinking about it. no amount of trying not to think about it has worked. in fact, trying not to think about it has made him think about it even more than he would be if he had just been thinking about it normally- anyway. all he knows now is that he’s lying on his bed, head squished face down into his pillow and deeply sighing every, say, thirty seconds or so.
“will you please, for the love of my sanity, stop.” oh. he hadn’t realised seungmin was present.
he turned his head to see seungmin sitting atop his own bed, laptop discarded to the side where he so obviously must have placed it when he decided enough was enough. or something. he looked annoyed. “i’m in a crisis. i can’t.” jisung groaned.
“i can see that. what’s up with you? you’ve been weird for, what, two days?” two days? feels like an eternity.
“something happened and i’m trying to figure it out. this is the only way.” it was. it was! seungmin scoffed at that, getting up and leaving the room with a lazy “whatever”.
well, jisung thought, that was rude. he didn’t even ask jisung to elaborate. not that he would have, but still. jisung pouted.
see, the thing is- hyunjin kissed him. like, on the mouth. super, totally, absolutely right on his lips. with his lips.
they were hanging out after dance practise, minho having just left. their manager had popped his head in telling them that he’ll be waiting near the entrance for whenever they finished up. jisung was goofing off as usual, trying to make a tired hyunjin laugh with his (incredible, thank you) impressions. hyunjin was spread out on the floor, watching jisung and chuckling at everything he said. he always did, it was the best.
and then, deep breath, that’s when it happened. jisung had flopped himself down next to the other boy, they looked at each other for a few seconds and then hyunjin just sat up straight, grabbed jisung’s cheeks between his palms and kissed him. just like that. and it wasn’t even a quick peck, it was like, a three-second long kiss. that’s such a long time for a kiss. and what made it worse was the way he laughed afterwards when he saw jisung’s stunned expression, obviously finding it hilarious. it wasn’t, it was the worst.
whilst giggling, hyunjin had stood up and simply said “dude, i got you good with that one.” jisung thought that since it was a joke, he should laugh. so he did. hyunjin then extended his hand out and jisung took it and hoisted himself up. and then they just left. with hyunjin’s arm around his shoulders, laughing, they left.
that was two days ago like seungmin had mentioned, and everything was normal. kind of? everything was normal when jisung wasn’t alone in his bedroom freaking out, anyway. god, why was everything normal when (no offence to anyone else) his best friend had kissed him? oh my god, this is the worst. he doesn’t even know why he’s being so dramatic about it when, clearly, it was just a fun prank. hyunjin had kissed him, when they were alone, as a prank for only the two of them to laugh about. ugh.
the boy was forced out of his crisis when chan knocked on the bedroom door, calling for dinner. he rolled off of his bed and walked out into the living area where the rest of the members were gathered, some sitting on the couch while the rest were spread out on the floor, bowls of food in their laps. it smelled so good. chan’s the best.
after jisung grabbed his own bowl he, as if on autopilot, made his way to where hyunjin was sat on the couch and settled himself right in between his legs on the floor. why? who knows.
he heard a chuckle from behind him and then there was a comforting pat on his head. did he just make his way to hyunjin like a lost puppy only to be pet like one too? oh my god. he leaned into the touch anyway, felt good. it made his heart do a thing as well, which would then result in more deep sighing into his pillow alone. damn it.
he was in the shower now, just standing, thinking. kind of whimpering? it was weird. something drastic had happened. after dinner, jisung realised that he’d never kissed anyone before, meaning hyunjin was his first kiss. his best friend kissing him as a joke was his first ever kiss. how did it take him this long to realise something so important? and what the hell was that at dinner? hyunjin kisses him one time and suddenly jisung’s heart wants to screw him over and go flipflop whenever hyunjin gives him friendly head pats? completely unnecessary.
he’d never thought about a boy in any way other than platonically before and this whole thing has forced jisung to look at hyunjin in this weird, new light and it was making him go insane. he’s been (completely by accident) imagining all sorts of scenarios to do with hyunjin. mainly kissing him again, but this time hand holding and more seconds were involved. maybe tongue? and if he’s being completely honest, it was seriously the worst. it made his heart do that dumb flipflop thing again. yuck.
the next day was super tiring, having rap lessons and tutoring and dance practise and more tutoring. so naturally by the end of it, jisung was ready to pass out in his bed for the next twelve hours. ah, the dream. but what he actually does is make his way to where he knew chan would be alone in his assigned studio, working on whichever song suited his mood.
when he got there, chan spun around in his chair to face the younger boy fully and smiled.
“what’re you working on tonight, hyung?” jisung pulled up a chair so that he could see the computer monitor and dropped into it sideways. it was comfortable for about twenty-five seconds until his back twinged, forcing him to sit up like a normal person.
chan hummed, “not really sure. there’s a few projects to finish but,” he clicked around his file of unfinished songs and then leaned back in his chair, running his hands over his face. “maybe i’ll write instead or something.”
jisung nodded in acknowledgement and mumbled a quiet “cool” as his phone vibrated in his hand. he looked at it and his tummy did that butterfly thing when he saw it was a message from hyunjin. are you kidding.
where r uuuuu i wanna snuggle tonight :(
jisung groaned loudly, shooting back a quick with chan hyung!! no snuggling tonight sowwy :( in which resulted in an extra sad face back from the other boy. then came a snort from the older boy who was leaned over, looking at jisung’s phone screen, having seen the whole interaction. if he could please mind his own business-
“you can go snuggle him, there’s nothing to do here.” chan said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“hyunjin kissed me.” okay. what the hell, brain. that was a cruel move dude. “i didn’t mean to say that.”
chan was looking at him with wide, confused eyes, obviously trying to figure out what to say. “can you- oh my god. please explain.”
and so he did. it was like a switch was flipped and his brain to mouth filter was suddenly non-existent. he told chan about the kiss, the crisis, the feelings and he even mentioned the imagination part. why did he have to mention the imagination part? he was screwed.
it took the older boy a few moments to gather his thoughts as jisung was panting a bit, trying to calm down after having spoken so many words in such a small amount of time.
“i’m going to ask you would you rather questions and you have to answer them without thinking about it, okay?” jisung thinks that’s a strange thing to say after what he’s just told him, but he nods anyway.
“would you rather hold hands with hyunjin or a really, really pretty girl who likes you?”
“hold hyunjin’s hand.” hold on-
“would you rather kiss hyunjin again or not?”
“kiss him-”
“would you rather be here with me or with hyunjin in bed?”
“h-hyunjin.” okay, look-
“would you rather be hyunjin’s boyfriend, or kiss him only once more?”
“hyung, do you think i like like him? is that what this is?” jisung’s heart is racing. his skin feels prickly and he can feel his ears burning, he can only imagine how red they must be.
“i don’t want to assume, but that’s what it sounds like.” chan’s reaches over and ruffles his hair and then smirks, “did that make your heart do a thing?”
jisung frowns at that, “i think i want to be boyfriends with him.” jisung thinks about how ridiculous it is that hyunjin has changed his whole life with just a small kiss. kind of selfish of him to do that.
“have you ever liked a girl before? like, really liked her?” chan asked genuinely.
jisung thinks about it for a while. he tries his best but no one comes to mind. “i don’t think so, hyung. this is so scary,” he sort of feels like he might cry. “i don’t think i’ve had a preference for anyone at all. i’ve never liked girls but have never thought about the possibility of liking boys so i just… didn’t.”
chan must have seen how much this realisation was affecting him because jisung was suddenly being pulled forward, face buried into his hyung’s chest and breathing slowly, trying not to let any tears fall. god, this was absolutely insane. once he felt chan’s hand stroking down his back softly, he crumbled.
“what should i do? everything was fine three days ago but now,” he sniffled, “it was just a joke to him. it was a joke and he laughed but now my whole life is different and i like him? i want to kiss him for real.” how did he let this happen? jisung wished he had just laughed it off and gotten over it. he’s never been so confused in his life. not even maths is this complicated. and he hates maths, like, so much.
when jisung started to move away from chan, the older boy put his hands on each side of jisung’s face and wiped away the wetness with his thumbs. “you ever think about why hyunjin would even kiss you in the first place? why would he think to kiss you as a joke? bit strange, huh?”
jisung was confused. he really has to get himself together. “i don’t know what you mean but, yeah, obviously it’s weird. it’s the whole reason i’ve had this crisis in the first place.”
chan twirled away from him in his chair and turned off his computer, “seems like an excuse to kiss you, if i’m honest.” okay, well. out of all the answers jisung has come up with, that was never one of them. “let’s go.”
they both got up, jisung pushing his chair back to its original place by the wall. chan gathered his things into his backpack, threw it over his shoulder and opened the door, motioning for jisung to exit first.
“hyunjin doesn’t like me. it was just a joke.” hyunjin masking a feelings-kiss with a prank-kiss? a bit far fetched, hyung, jisung thought.
“i’ll talk to him. find minho when we get home, maybe he can help you understand your feelings.”
when they arrived at the dorms, that’s exactly what he did. it wasn’t hard either, having spotted him as soon as they walked through the front door. he must have been on his way to his shared bedroom from the kitchen because he had a glass of water and a snack sized packet of chips in his hands.
chan called for the dancer and explained to him what was going on in a quiet voice. jisung felt really grateful that his hyung wasn’t making the situation such a huge deal, but instead going about it in a quiet and respectful way. he could have lectured him about how having feelings for a groupmate was a bad idea and he could have told jisung to get over it, move on, but he didn’t. jisung trusts him. he might cry again, damn it.
just then, the leader turned to him and smiled before walking down the hallway. he looked up at minho and was met with a soft, excited expression. the older boy quickly placed the corner of his chip packet between his teeth so he could grab jisung by the wrist and drag him into the living room and onto the couch. jisung wasn’t really worried about privacy since he knew chan was with hyunjin and everyone else probably had earbuds in.
“my little baby gay,” minho said with a blinding smile, “i knew you had it in you to finally realise.”
jisung was blushing. finally? what does that even mean? “hyung stop, this has all come crashing down on me so quickly, i don’t know what to do.” he was whining, he knew it, but what other way was he supposed to get his desperation across? “i didn’t realise i liked or didn’t like anyone until, like, literally an hour ago.”
minho cooed and reached for jisung’s hand. “i know. i did though. it’s was really fun seeing you so clueless all the time. i wonder, who is he?” the older hummed and screwed his face up in a fake-thoughtful way that told jisung he already had his answer, but just wanted to pause for dramatic effect. jisung might throw up if he-
“it’s hyunjin. it’s been hyunjin for literally ever.” minho smirked.
“i’m going to throw up.” there’s absolutely no way that anyone knew, jisung himself didn’t even know until earlier in the night! his life is utterly ruined.
“god, don’t you dare. everything is more okay than you think right now. trust me.” okay, funny joke hyung.
“that is so impossible. am i really that stupid? you really knew?” minho giggled but then he looked at jisung with eyes that said oh, sweetheart.
“of course you’re not stupid, maybe a bit oblivious- a lot oblivious but that’s okay. are you gonna tell me how you got to this part?”
so, for the second time that night, jisung explained everything. just in a calmer, more worn out manner. he also told minho about what happened with chan and how he said that hyunjin kissed him because he wanted to and just covered it up as a joke (which is so stupid, hyung, i don’t know how he came up with that) which made minho chuckle. by the end of it, jisung was only a bit humiliated, having realised how obvious everything was now with the information their leader had provided.
he really did like boys. or hyunjin, at least.
“our hyung is right, sung-ah. hyunjin wouldn’t just kiss you for jokes.” but he would, because he did. although, jisung is becoming more and more sceptical of that fact every time he thinks about it, so he tries not to.
in the end, minho grabbed the chip packet he’d discarded next to him on the couch and ripped it open, taking one for himself and then offering the packet to jisung. he took a handful, leaving it almost empty and shoved the entire handful into his mouth at once. he was stressed, okay?
“the disrespect.” minho playfully hit him over the back of the head, making the younger groan.
“what do i do now?” jisung asked. if minho says that he has to talk to hyunjin about it, he’ll quit the group. he’ll just up and leave.
“i’d say talk to hyunjin, but i know you won’t.” minho hummed, “i have a feeling he’ll come to you instead.”
jisung pouted. he’s a big boy too, you know. “so i’m just supposed to act normal and wait it out?”
minho nodded, and then he tilted his head a little to the side. kind of like a dog, jisung noted. “or do whatever you want. you’re gay, no one can tell you what to do.”
naturally, jisung waited it out. but to his surprise, he didn’t have to wait that long.
precisely three hours later, one hour after he’d finally fallen asleep, he was startled awake by a big hyunjin sized boy crawling his way under the covers.
“hi.” jisung whispered sleepily. what, exactly, was going on?
it was completely dark in their bedroom, so he didn’t actually know if it was his best friend or not, but the way the other boy's arms wrapped around his torso and his head gently tucked itself against jisung’s chest confirmed his initial thoughts. plus, he smelled really good. hyunjin always smelled really good.
for the hour and a half that he’d been lying awake in his bed, he had kind of been stressing over the whereabouts of hyunjin. and like, the one million other stressful things that have happened but mostly the former. what if what chan had spoken to him about was all wrong and what if it scared hyunjin away and what if he never wanted to see jisung again because it would be too awkward or gross or- yeah, just some light stressing.
he fell asleep eventually though, but that was only because seungmin threatened to choke him to death if he didn’t stop tossing and turning and sighing loudly.
“fell asleep in hyung’s bed but he doesn’t cuddle me as good as you so here i am.” hyunjin muttered. ouch, jisung’s heart just fell out.
jisung didn’t know what to say, so he resorted to wrapping his arms around hyunjin’s neck. now they were in the ultimate snuggle position, both firmly holding onto each other. all he had to worry about now was how hyunjin was definitely listening to the violent beating of jisung’s heart.
“i’m sorry i kissed you like that.” oh. so that’s what’s going on.
“oh that? totally fine. absolutely great,” jisung started to panic, only slightly. “not that i’m saying the kiss was great. it’s just- the situation in where you pranked me was great. really good prank.” he forced out a chuckle, trying to make it seem like he was totally cool, calm and collected. he wasn’t.
“i know everything-”
“you know what’s really hilarious? chan hyung said- now get this, he said that you actually wanted to kiss me,” jisung chuckled again, but he thought it sounded a bit crazy in his own ears. “isn’t that ridiculous?”
“i wish i could see your face right now, you sound absolutely insane.” hyunjin snorted, “i know everything, jisung. hyung’s right.”
he what? jisung scrambled to turn on the lamp on his bedside table, which was a bit challenging considering he had to try not to squish hyunjin in the process. he thought back to a few minutes ago when he thought his heart fell out. boy, was he wrong. it was definitely there, but it might not be for much longer, he might end up with a disgusting, bloody heart shaped hole in his chest if he wasn’t careful.
“i don’t know if you heard me properly, i said chan hyung-” hyunjin unwrapped his arms from jisung’s torso and brought his hands up to his face instead, forcing jisung to look him in the eyes. a bit hard to do, he realised, when you’ve been in the dark for hours and then suddenly there’s a light on.
“i heard you just fine. i wanted to kiss you but i was scared that i’d be weird so i disguised it as a joke. which, by the way, i did like- the worst ever job at sounding convincing so this is all on you, idiot.” kind of a rude statement, but okay. also, what? what the hell?
“you sort of ruined my life.” jisung wasn’t going to say anything more, but he realised that sounded a bit harsh. “i mean, you stressed me out. a lot.”
hyunjin giggled. oh my god, that’s the best sound ever. “i know, i’m sorry.” he brushed a piece of jisung’s hair out of his eyes and sighed. “hyung told me everything, but that’s only because he knows how much i like you. which is a lot.”
just then, there was the sound of socked feet on hardwood floors and a long, very dramatic, drawn-out sigh from the other side of the room. “this is my room too, idiots. the audacity…” seungmin said on his way towards the door. “i’ll be in someone else's bed if you need me. you won’t though.” and with that, he closed the door behind him. was that a threat?
jisung found it in himself to call out a sorry! since hyunjin was too busy laughing into jisung’s pillow. how freaking embarrassing. the worst.
wait, hold on- “you actually like me?” jisung was going to throw up. “like actually?”
hyunjin nodded, “since always. literally always. we met and i was like oh, i like him.” jisung groaned. how was this possible. “it was your cheeks. and god, you’re so funny.”
“so you saw me and instantly liked me whereas i saw you and instantly wanted to run away because you were so pretty-” oh. “oh.”
jisung felt his cheeks burning. was this the end? death by self-heating. that’s it.
this whole time it’s been hyunjin. the pretty boy who was so-so at dancing, the beautiful boy with the lips who laughed at jisung’s dumb impressions when everyone else thought they were cringy. hyunjin, who became a dancing machine after jisung had said prove to them you’re not just a pretty face.
“he’s special” jisung would say whenever he was asked why hyunjin was his bestf riend and not changbin or felix or anyone else. he really is, huh?
“it’s nice that you’ve finally made the connection, but i’m really tired.” hyunjin said through a yawn. he turned and flicked off the lamp and then wrapped himself around jisung the same as he did earlier.
“i like you.” jisung loved, loved how that sounded. made his heart go flipflop but in the way where it made him feel really good.
“me too.” the larger of the two mumbled against jisung’s chest. he said something else but jisung couldn’t quite hear it so he hummed in a curious tone.
“was just telling your heart to stop beating so loud.” hyunjin giggled.
god damn it. he really had the cutest boy in the whole world in his arms. this was the best.
it wasn’t until 4 days later that the two boys had their first real kiss. they found out that they already kind of acted as if they were boyfriends anyway when they realised the only thing that changed was how many times a day they held hands. which, if jisung were to make an estimation, he’d say it was up there in the millions. okay, not really. but you get it.
it was in the afternoon, they’d all done so well that day at the company that they were granted the night off to do whatever they wanted. so naturally, they all decided to go home and play videogames. jisung was only one match into pubg when hyunjin slid his way behind him and whispered to him about how he’d convinced their manager to let the two of them go out for a walk.
hyunjin then looked over to where felix was sitting beside jisung and announced that it was his turn to take over, grabbed jisung’s wrist and yanked him towards the front door.
once they’d made it out of the building, their manager trailing quite a few paces behind, hyunjin linked his hand with jisung’s and started quickening his steps.
jisung looked over at him curiously and when hyunjin looked back at him with this cheeky twinkle in his eyes, jisung knew exactly what was going to happen.
3… 2… “run.”
giggling like children, they sprinted as fast as they could down the street and around the corner. they ran until they found a small alleyway between two houses. in hindsight, jisung thought this was kind of a dangerous move. their manager could have easily found them and completely obliterated them and no one would know. okay, maybe that was dramatic.
“manager hyung’s gonna be so mad.” jisung says in between breaths. they were both panting and laughing, trying to catch their breaths.
hyunjin shushes him and moves them deeper into the alleyway before turning to face jisung, grabbing his waist and pulling him close. jisung looks up into the other boys eyes and suddenly he’s panting for a different reason.
“who cares.” hyunjin says before leaning in, chuckling when jisung whimpers. when will he stop embarrassing himself. when.
in the few milliseconds before hyunjin kisses him, jisung’s whole body goes hot and prickly. once their lips finally meet, jisung thinks he’s become jack-jack from the incredibles. how can his body be this hot if it isn’t literally on fire? death by alleyway kiss? doesn’t sound too far off.
once jisung realises that hyunjin is kissing him for real, he melts and leans his body against the others, wanting to be as close to him as possible. and then he feels tongue again his bottom lip and it makes him jump a little. he really wasn’t expecting that. he pulls apart from hyunjin and drops his head against his shoulder, blushing.
“i feel on fire. am i on fire?” he rushes out.
hyunjin hums, “not quite, just the tips of your ears” he was making fun of him. great!
“don’t laugh at me. if you haven’t noticed, this is my first real kiss. i’m having a hard time living.” liking someone is so stupid. he wishes he could go back to when his body and heart were perfectly fine and not prickly and hot and… cold? come on, man.
“wanna try again?” hyunjin brings his hand up, placing his pointer finger under jisung’s chin so that the shorter boy was looking at him.
he did. he wanted to so bad. but just as they were leaning in, someone cleared their throat. huh, that sounded a bit like their manager. oh. oh no.
when the realisation kicked in, they sprung apart and looked towards where said man was standing at the entrance of the alleyway with his arms crossed in an intimidating way across his chest. god damn it. jisung wished the two of them could just disappear.
“it’s not what it looks like?” hyunjin said in a small voice.
“yeah, right.” the man stepped forward and took both boys by the ear, dragging them out into the street. they were so doomed. they had never been more doomed in their entire lives.
they got the lecture of their life that night. in front of everyone. well, the rest of the members were told to go to their rooms, but their manager yelled so loud that they might as well have been in the living room with them anyway.
in the end, it wasn’t so bad. they got yelled at for being irresponsible in public but they weren’t scolded for being in love or anything. like. in like, not love. obviously. the outcome was two sore ears and a three week videogame ban. see, not so bad. jisung wouldn’t risk doing it again. hyunjin though, he’s not so sure.
when their manager decided enough was enough, he huffed his way into the kitchen, mumbling something about needing to get in shape.
the rest of the members filtered out of their rooms one by one, all sporting expressions that told them they were never going to live this moment down. ever.
“in an alleyway? really?” chan teased. he was cringing. jisung kind of understood.
“it was one of those nice ones between two houses. you know, bowls of water for the stray animals.” hyunjin explained. “jisung freaked out when i tried to make the kiss spicier.”
“okay, first of all? shut up.” god, his boyfriend has no shame. “second of all? yeah, i did. so what. it was my first kiss and i felt like i was literally dying, so. so.”
“personally, i think the situation is kind of sexy.” minho said. everyone went silent, and then everyone was laughing.
jisung hated this. this was the absolute worst. but he got to kiss his boyfriend for real for the first time ever. he can’t believe he has a boyfriend. his best friend is his boyfriend. boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend.
that’s the best. hyunjin is the absolute best, jisung thinks.