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Roman was an amazing actor. He is able to get into any role he is given, completely becoming that character. And Roman likes that, being able to be absolutely anyone other than himself. And even he, himself was an act. An act that could fool stranger. An act that could fool his parents and friends. Hell, he even fools himself sometimes. But no matter how convincing an act is, it is still an act in the end. His confidence is an act to hide his insecurities. His charisma is an act to hide the fact that he never wants to be rejected. His flamboyance is an act to cover that he'd rather be hiding from existence. His narcissism covers for the fact that he absolutely loathes himself. Roman's entire being revolves around the character he made of him self and keeping up the act.
Roman wasn't having a good day. He woke up far too early and couldn't get back to bed. On the walk to work a car splashed him with water. At work he got into an argument with one of the other actors over something he can't even remember anymore. What he does remember was the yelling between the two, the way she pushed him back, the surge of panic that ran through him, and then the glare of the director as he sent them home. So here Roman was, walking through the brisk air back home. Thoughts played through his head, but none of them were clear enough to focus on. He hated it. He reached home and opened the door. Greeted by one of his roommates Logan who was reading on the couch.
"Salutations, You are back much sooner than I expected." Roman laughed "Turns out that the director doesn't care about who was clearly right and deserved to win that argument, and so he sent us home." "You would do better to avoid petty disagreements in your work," "I was obviously right Dr. Who Cares, you shouldn't offer advice when it is not needed," snapped an offended Roman. Logan glared back at Roman and turned back to his book.
Roman went upstairs. He needed to clear his head. His thoughts were too loud and he couldn't understand a single one. He sat on his bed, he should probably clean his room. There was laundry everywhere, old paper thrown all over the ground, his bed hasn't been made in over a week. God, he truly was horrible. He couldn't even keep his room presentable. But he wasn't going to do that. Laying back he tried to will himself to do something. Whether it was get up and apologise to Logan for what he said, or to grab some medicine for his ever growing headache. Roman didn't come out of his room for the night.
In the morning Roman wasn't feeling much better. He looked over at the plate of spaghetti that Patton had brought him for dinner last night before slowly scooping it in the trash. Walking downstairs he placed the plate in the sink before getting ready for work. On his way out Roman thanked Patton for his delicious spaghetti.
Why was smiling so difficult? Was moving your face muscles that hard to do? It really shouldn't be. And so Roman kept up his act. He charmed everyone. He turned up the dramatics. He smiled his dazzling smile. Playing the perfect prince charming before heading home. Who would ever drop the act of being perfect, certainly not Roman. And even if he wanted to it would be too late. Everyone already knew him like this, so he couldn't just change it up now. Besidees everyone has their own problems to deal with. Patton would worry himself sick if he knew what Roman was thinking. Logan finds him annoying and after their fight yesterday, he couldn't really blame him. And Roman was so horrible to Virgil when they first met, he had every reason not to listen to Roman. He is honestly surprised how none of them actually hate him.
He smiled at his roommates who were choosing a movie for family night. After debating for a while they had settled on Sleeping Beauty. Roman tried his best to stay invested in the movie, but he was too absorbed in his thoughts to really watch anything.
It was Roman's night for dishes and thankfully there wasn't too much. He finished the plates and cups before he stopped at the knives. He wasn't sure how long he has been doing this,.but it was almost a tradition. How whenever he came across a knife he spent too long staring at it. He never did anything to himself though. He would never do anything that could lead to scars. Never do anything that someone might go down out about. Roman finished up the knives when he tasted blood. That was a bad habit that he really should quit. But he couldn't. The biting helped calm him down. Whenever things got too tough he could always bite down on his cheeks. He couldn't help but feel some sort of sick satisfaction whenever he drew blood, but that was all temporary. The pain that started it in the first place has since became mostly numb to him.
It has been a week of bad days and Roman hated it. He didn't want to be looked at. He didn't want to be talked to. He felt like crying but no matter how much he wanted that release nothing came. But he had to keep up the act. He managed to keep it up for the majority of the day until he came home. Because when he got home everything went to hell. Of course it was over something stupid too. Cause that seems to be what causes everything bad in his life. The yelling had finally tipped him overboard, and man did he fall deep.
Roman's let his thoughts spill, with absolutely no filter. "Honestly, just tell me that you hate me. It would truly be better for everyone if you guy would just leave me alone." "Princey, no one hates you." "That's rich," scoffed Roman. "No you moron. Virgil is correct in his statements. You may be a dickhead who ate the rest of the Crofters, but you are still our friend." " Dammit! Stop being so damn nice! You can't care for me. I don't deserve it." Roman hated this. He had never been so vulnerable. The looks that his friend gave him made him want to curl up and hide. "You do deserve it though. You are a brilliant person who doesn't deserve to be stuck believing that." Roman was quiet. He didn't know what to say to that.
The fight died down after the confession and they moved into the living room. Virgil grabbed a blanket for Roman, Patton rubbed soothing circles on his back, and Logan fetched him some tea. They spent a few minutes in silence before Patton speaks up."How long have you felt that way?" "A while. I don't quite remember when it started." "Would you like to talk about it? We won't force you but the offer is there." Roman's act had already broke into pieces, he might as well get everything off of his chest while he has the chance.
He told them how in highschool his grades started to drop. How his principal called him a lazy student because he obviously knew what he was doing but never actually did the work. He told them how he took every criticism as a blow to the heart, how he changed all those parts about him. He told them about how he cried himself to sleep for years before the dreadful numbness settled in. He told them of his gamble with himself.
How he would swallow what was left of his sleeping pills, if he died that would be that, bit if he woke up it would be fate telling him to stay and he wouldn't attempt again no matter how tempting. He told them that when he woke up a couple hours he had went out and no one noticed. How he went about his day and no one knew of his bet until now.
He told them how even though he never attempted again, the thoughts wouldn't go away. How he lost self preservation in hopes that his carelessness would solve his problem itself.
He let it all out, tears fell down his face. Letting him relieve the sorrow in his heart. His friends listened patiently. Holding him tightly in a reminder that he is not alone. In a reminder that he is loved. A reminder that he is worth it. That he is more than enough.
And through time he would learn to care about himself. With hard work and support form his friends he would become better. It would be a long road full of bumps and turns before he overcomes this obstacle. But for now being in his friends arms, it was enough for Roman.