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Bruce walked into the common room to find Tony sitting on the floor with a handful of colorful cards. Across from him sat Loki, with a thick set of unlinked cuffs around his wrists, a glass of scotch in his hand, and an angry look on his face. Bruce took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
“Should I ask?” He finally said with a sigh.
Tony whipped around, and upon seeing his friend, he smiled widely. A bit too widely, in Bruce’s opinion. He mentally braced himself for the trouble he knew was coming. Tony made an expansive gesture towards the elephant in the room.
“Loki is making reparations for his past indiscretions. Or basically, daddy dearest sent him back here and told him to clean up the mess he made.”
Bruce felt like that made a surprising amount of sense. Still didn't explain why Loki was day drinking in their living room, though Bruce was starting to become more comfortable with the idea that a lot of this was going to end up being Tony's fault. Though he had only been staying with Tony for a few weeks, it was starting to become a common theme. He loved Tony, he really did, loved his work on intellicrops, on vibranium isotopes, on reinforced kevlar body armor. All great, world changing ideas. He just didn't like the ideas Tony came up with at 2am after three pots of coffee. Loki sitting on the floor with a glass of scotch seemed like the second type of idea.
Bruce tried to clarify anyway. “He's fixing things by… playing uno?”
Tony let out an exaggerated sigh, as Bruce peered at him to try to figure out if he'd slept any time in the past two days.
Tony waved him off. “No, Bruce, he's going to go magic the buildings back to normal or something later. I'm just baby sitting him until Thor gets back from giving Fury a heart attack. Don't worry, I'm having Jarvis film the discussion, we can watch it later. I bought caramel corn.”
Since the Avengers had all come to live in the tower, Tony had started having Jarvis film things and put together a weekly ‘best of’ feature. They had all enjoyed watching Thor try to cook without blowing up the stove. And though he would never admit it, Bruce had saved “best of Cap yelling at reality TV” to his phone. This whole situation did look film worthy.
“I'm still not getting the connection to uno.” Bruce said hesitantly.
Tony shrugged. “Well, I already schooled him at monopoly. You want in? You can smash him if he gets uppity.”
Bruce gave up, realizing that that was probably the best explanation he was going to get.
“I….sure. Why not, I'll play uno with the guy who just wrecked half the city. How is this my life??” He moaned to himself.
Tony threw a card at him. “Existential crises later, its uno time. Everybody, take your cards!” He said with glee, and distributed the deck.
The three players looked down at their hands. Bruce put down a yellow three, and the game began. Things went smoothly the first few times around, then Tony slapped down a draw four.
Loki raised an eyebrow, and spoke. “It does not match in either color or number. You are quick to break your own rules.”
Tony leaned back. “It's a wild card. I can use it whenever it’s my turn, to switch the color and make you draw four cards. It's perfectly legal, don't be a sore loser.”
Loki glowered at him and drew his cards. Bruce put down a reverse, in a vain attempt to break the tension. Tony put down a red. Then Loki grinned smugly and smacked down a draw four on the top of the pile.
“How the tables have turned, Man of Iron. How bitter it must taste, to receive the hand which you so callously delt-”
Tony waved his hand back and forth, like he was swiping away what Loki was saying. “Yeah, yeah, Merlin. It's not the end of the world. That was last week, remember? You were there, big portal, fishies of death, am I ringing any bells? I'm not going to stress over a draw four.”
Loki glared at him over the tops of his cards, eyes narrowing. They played another round, and when it reached Loki he put down a second draw four. Tony took his extra cards good naturedly, which made Loki pout. Bruce could hardly believe this was the same guy who tried to conquer New York. His cousin’s kid was more mature, and she was eight. The next round played out the same exact way. Tony frowned down at the draw four the god had placed, and looked up at Loki. “You really had three of those in your hand?”
“You said these cards could be played whenever I desired. Are you now going back on your word?”
“I'm not saying you can't play them whenever, I'm questioning how you got three of them.”
“Luck of the draw.” Loki insisted.
Tony frowned and played his card, Bruce his, then Loki laid down another draw four. Tony threw down his cards in frustration.
“Ok, that's it. Jarvis! How many draw fours in a uno deck?”
“Four, Sir.”
“Funny how we've had five then, isn't it?”
Loki grinned smugly. “I don't remember that.”
“Yes, yes, there were five, you've put down four after I hit you with one, four plus one is five, Loki, you might not be as interested in solving integrals and calculated the airspeed velocity of an African swallow as Brucie and I here, but I think you can handle that math.”
“How odd. I wonder how that could have happened.” He said with a straight face.
Tony crossed his arms. “Smash him, Bruce.”
Bruce sighed, and put his cards down as well to pinch the bridge of his nose.
“No, Tony, you just got the floors fixed, Pepper would kill me. Can we all promise no more cheating?” He looked at the both of they with an air more of resignation than hope.
Loki looked away and sniffed. “Cheating at a game as simple as this would be beneath my dignity.”
Tony clapped his hands together. “Good. Great! So play your card, and if it's a draw four, I reserve the right to go get my suit, and shoot you.”
Loki looked at his cards, then back up, then back at his cards, back up one more time, then laid down a draw five.
Tony screamed in frustration. “That's not even a real card!!! That’s it! If you're not going to obey the rules, of this game or of physics in general, then we might as well go all in!” He ran into the hallway and returned with an armful of game boards. “Let's do this.”
Thor returned to the tower an hour later to an unusual sight. Loki was blindfolded, and in his hands he had ten draw fours, a charmander, and an ace of spades. He had a pile of pawns and red checkers at his feet. Across from him the Hulk gently held two mangled queens and a yellow reverse. Tony placed a ten of hearts from his overflowing hand on the top of a card castle, then moved a red checker ten spaces, jumping over a black rook, which he added to his pile of other assorted chess and checker pieces. The Hulk laid down both of his queens and bellowed, “Uno!!!” So loudly that the card castle came tumbling down. The Hulk roared in rage and drew an extra card as a penalty. Thor stepped in and grabbed his brother's arm before he could play his card.
“Friends Stark and Hulk! I owe you my thanks for watching over my brother in my absence! I apologize for the delay, your director was not pleased with the Allfather’s decisions. However he agreed that my brother may stay on Earth, with one condition...that he stay with us in the tower!”
Tony looked over at the Hulk and grinned. “Well Big Green, what do you say to a weekly game night?”
The Hulk roared in approval. Loki smiled, shook off Thor's grip and put down yet another draw four.