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Talented , versatile, unique, phenomenal rapper, probably the most talented, insanely driven, melodic rapping.
Loud, unattractive, annoying, mediocre singer, nowhere near as good as the others, they have to get annoyed by him – right?
Jisung had noticed early on that his comments – the ones about him – were polarized. They had been since 3racha’s first performance, since the first broadcast where he was either ‘the best’ or ‘completely worthless.’
Which was nice actually. If he needed some encouragement he could find endless praise, and if he needed to light a fire under his ass, well, he could find ‘thoughtful’ criticism too.
The others called it ‘hate.’ Said that it was ‘hate’ when someone said he was unattractive or ugly, that it was ‘mean spirited and wrong’ when netizens said the members didn’t like him or that they were annoyed by him.
It wasn’t hate in Jisung’s eyes though. He wasn’t that good of a singer and he wasn’t close to being as good of a rapper as Changbin. He certainly wasn’t attractive when compared with Hyunjin or as thin as Felix. He had a lot he needed to work on. A lot.
In many ways, those comments meant more to Jisung. Not in a good way necessarily, but they seemed more honest. He wasn’t the most talented or the most versatile – that was definitely Chan. He wasn’t even that great of a dancer, certainly not compared to Minho, Hyunjin, or Felix.
Some things he couldn’t fix. He couldn’t become a better singer than Woojin, Seungmin, or Jeongin.
But he could improve.
And he wasn’t ever going to be as good of a dancer as Minho.
But he could try.
And he’d never surpass Changbin in rapping or Chan in writing and producing.
But he could get better.
Hopefully…
Jisung was tired. Sleep hadn’t been easy, too many thoughts and too many ideas. He had taken to writing lyrics each night; normally getting to sleep sometime between two and four. That hadn’t stopped him from trying to better himself. Tired or not, he could still work towards something.
His current goal was to perfect their dances. All of them. And burn some needed calories while he was at it. Two of the most common critiques were on his dancing and his weight. If he worked hard enough, Jisung could take care of both problems at the same time.
He had asked their dance instructor for grades on his dances during their earlier practice. Felix had been annoyed by the question;
‘It’s going to stress you out more Ji… You dance great’ the slightly younger had complained, both aggravated and concerned.
Jisung had received four ninety-threes, two nineties, and an eighty-seven. Without being prompted, their instructor also graded Felix with straight ninety-nines. Claiming that there was always room for improvement.
Eighty-seven was a bad score, especially if the dancers were basically perfect. So Jisung had started with that dance, practicing the dance from scratch; a fourth normal speed until all the elements were clean; half speed until he could do the whole dance crisply while speaking the lyrics; eighty percent speed; ninety percent; full speed.
He ran it through at full speed for another half hour, so that it was as perfect as his body would allow. Then he doubled it.
Twice speed was the hardest to master. His limbs ached as they were forced to match the tempo. It took Jisung another forty-five minutes to feel confident enough to speed the song up again.
Senior groups had done three times – even four times – the speed as challenges or as part of practice. He should be able to as well.
Their group practice had ended three and a half hours ago. Meaning Chan was likely still producing or working and by extension, Jisung had more time to reach his goal. Chugging a bottle of water and using his discarded sweatshirt to dry his face and neck, Jisung started the song another time on loop at three times the normal speed.
He struggled to keep on time during the first three loops of the song but managed to find the rhythm by the fourth and fifth.
“You need to stop now Sungie,”
The music had just faded when the voice pierced through Jisung’s concentration, resulting in the rapper gasping soundlessly out of surprise, “You can’t…just,” he managed trying to catch his breath.
Felix scowled, “You’ve been at it for most of the day Sung.” The Aussie crossed the floor and turned off the music mid-verse, “Why on Earth are you dancing to it so sped up… Did you even eat lunch?”
“I just need to run it a few more times first,” Jisung used the sweatshirt again.
“Nope. I even convinced Chan-hyung to head home.” Felix grabbed Jisung’s bag and moved back to his confused friend, “I watched the last run through Ji – it was clean and precise. Better than I’d do – “
“Doubtful –“
“Sung…You need to stop reading comments if it goes to your head this much. It’s not healthy.”
“It’s not from reading,” Jisung paused noticing the look he was getting, “I don’t read into them any more than anyone else in our group ‘lix.” Jisung quickly continued, cutting off Felix before he could argue, “Let’s go get our fearless leader.”
Chan was packing up when the September twins arrived, clearing expecting Felix to return, “Nearly done ‘lix. Just one second…” he finally looked up at the end, “Jisungie? Jeez, you look exhausted. I hope you didn’t work too hard – we already had practice you know?”
It was Felix’s turn to cut off Jisung, immediately jumping in to praise his friend’s discipline, “Ji was perfecting our dances Chan-hyung. He can run ‘I AM You’ at, like, four times the normal speed –“
“Three –“
“Perfectly! He’s putting us all to shame Hyung. He’s going to be the best of the best.” Felix chattered, voice full of admiration, “I’m inspired! I should practice more.”
“You don’t –“ the look Felix sent cut Jisung’s words off.
Chan laughed warmly, “You both are crazy. I love you, but you’re crazy.” He always beamed with pride when he spoke to his members, “Just don’t overdo it, Ji. You’re already one of the best dancers.”
Jisung didn’t respond, though he disagreed, “You work on something new or beef up something old?”
Chan sighed as they exited the building, “I tried to do new stuff, but it’s hard without you and Changbinnie to bounce ideas off of. So I mainly worked on sample tracks we’d started already.”
“You don’t need us for ideas Channie-hyung,” Jisung shivered as they opened the door and wind rushed over his still glossy skin, “You’re a creative genius.”
“I don’t know Ji, you’re pretty creative too.”
“Felix, will you just stop already.”
“Never,”
“What has you two bickering now?” Chan sounded amused, “Sung, where’s your jacket?”
“Wha –“
“Here,” Felix had reached into Jisung’s bag, which he’d still been carrying, “Ji has been –“
“Trying to improve where I lack and Felix has been –“
“Trying to make him –“
“Bothering me about it.”
The two September boys talked over one another, increasing in volume as they did, to the point where neither was understandable.”
“One at a time,” Chan blew hot air into his exposed palms, “I feel like a teacher.”
“Ji is being stupid,”
“’lix is being stupid,” Jisung said at the same time.
“Okay,” Their leader easily accepted that explanation, motioning for the group to following him across the street, “Let’s bring home something for dinner.”
“But –“
“Sounds good Channie-hyung!” Jisung squealed in moderately faked excitement, “What do you have in mind? Something warm? Spicy? Dessert?” he caught Felix’s glare but dodged the conversation for now.
*~*~*~*
Jisung had found that avoiding that conversation with Felix was easier than expected. Mainly due to their busy schedules and separate bedrooms. However, Felix’s reluctance to bring up the topic in front of anyone other than Chan also worked in Jisung’s favor.
But Felix was dedicated and passionate, and Jisung knew it was only a matter of time before the conversation came up again.
Regardless of that unavoidable future, Jisung continued to find ways to better himself. Felix would eventually understand.
Today, Jisung had decided to focus on rapping and singing, working on vocal precision and articulation above all.
Though he’d never admit it, Jisung’s goal was to match Changbin’s power and force with his rapping and to match Woojin and Seungmin’s richness and color with his singing. If he could do that, Jisung thought he might be worthy of some of Stay’s praise and would have corrected some of the problems they saw in him.
Jisung had requested a vocal lesson followed by a rap lesson; in order to get a baseline. His vocal coach claimed he’d improved a great deal since the last time she’d heard him sing nearly eight months ago.
However, his rap instructor was less complimentary. Jisung had improved, marginally, but was ‘far behind’ where he should be according to the older man.
For the next three hours, Jisung pushed his abilities. Rapping whole songs at varying speeds, and then singing whole songs, testing his range and pushing it to his limits.
At some point he switched to improvisation, creating random lyrics to their songs.
“You know I’m jealous of you, right? Like, not in a bad way – but in a ‘jeez how can he be that talented’ kinda way.”
“What the hell – ‘lix stop doing that! You’re going to kill me,” Jisung’s voice squeaked and cracked.
“Sorry,” Felix sounded vaguely apologetic, “Time to head home Sungie.”
“’lix,” Jisung sighed somewhat exasperated, “I’m not done yet.”
“You are done,”
“Felix,”
“You are done. Come on, let’s get you back to the dorms so you can rest your voice.”
“Felix.” Jisung’s voice pitched towards slight anger, “I’m not finished yet.”
“You are finished Jisung. Today and probably tomorrow.” Felix turned off the sound system, “And if I have my way, you’re finished for the day after that too.”
“I said I’m not done yet, Felix.” Why couldn’t Felix see that he needed to work on his voice – on everything, “I have more things to work on.”
“Why?” Felix sounded equally aggravated now. “You’re putting more time in than anyone else already. Even before this phase.”
“Chan-hyung puts in more time,”
“No, he just puts in longer days. He writes and produces more maybe, but you and Binnie-hyung are often with him. You’re acting like we are still on that elimination show!”
“That’s not true,” Jisung bit back, albeit shakily. He couldn’t be putting in that much time and energy into everything. He’d of noticed if that was the case.
“It is and you’ll burn yourself out at this rate Ji.” Felix grabbed Jisung’s bag from the floor and zipped it shut harshly, “We are all exhausted enough with promoting, you don’t get to kill yourself because a few people online make you feel a certain way. I won’t allow it.”
“I’m not…”
“You’re hyper-focused on those negative comments Ji. Like, super unhealthily focused.”
“No, I’ve –“
“Sung you have done basically nothing in the last week and a half except practicing and reading comments that reflect negatively on Stays. You have even downloaded some of those comments, Ji – you put them in our joint inspiration folder…”
“Yeah…but not ‘hyper-focused…’ I’m just,”
“When was the last time you slept or ate without one of us forcing you to do so, Sung?”
Jisung blinked dumbly for a minute, confused.
“You haven’t. Jisung you haven’t. I’ve forced you, Chan-hyung has forced you, Changbin-hyung, Minho-hyung – even Seungminie has made you sleep this week.” With his free hand, Felix pulled at his hair, “Just come back to the dorm with me, try to disconnect for a bit.”
Jisung deflated, “I haven’t been that bad…I mean, I’ve been focusing on rehearsal and our events too…”
“I don’t think that’s any different than what you’re doing. It’s all the same, Ji. You just need to take a break,” Felix shifted, slowly moving towards Jisung, “You don’t need to kill yourself to get better. I’m not just saying that alright? You are freaking talented. Okay? Great rapper, great singing, great dancer – and beyond that a great friend and brother.”
“I could be better – should be,” Jisung started moving with Felix towards the door.
“Garbage,” the Aussie looped his arm around Jisung’s middle, “You make me want to be better. Why? Because you are amazing.”
“You’re better than me,” Jisung mumbled suddenly feeling tired and hungry. “ You soak up things like a sponge and everyone, all our Stays, just adore watching you grow.”
Felix laughed softly, “You’re ridiculous Ji.”
“I’m just being honest though,” he yawned, “I’m tired.
“I’ll bet you are. Sungie, you’ve been in the studio for nearly eight hours,” Felix chuckled again.
“Really?” he couldn’t have been practicing that long, could he?
“Yes, really! You idiot,” the Aussie sounded both annoyed and endeared, “Why else would I come here to force you to come home. Your body needs rest, as does your head.”
“Oh…Okay.”
“Good. So, we are going to go home, get food, and then we are going to watch Disney movies until you crash.”
“Okay,” Jisung still had work to do, but he’d let Felix win this time, “Thanks…by the way…”
“You’d do the same for me Sungie, but no problem.”