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Shiro stood idly behind Allura, paying more attention to his brother than anything else. Both of them were supposed to be helping her with the diplomacy, but Keith was clearly not listening. His eyes were on the horizon, one hand fidgeting with the sheath at the small of his back. Even despite the movements that had passed since he got back and the memories he had (his memories but at the same time not his memories) the differences in Keith after almost two years (had he really been gone for two Earth years?) still struck him. He seemed to stand straighter and taller, with more confidence in himself. His shoulders were broader, jaw sharper. Even his Galran side had started becoming more obvious, although Shiro was willing to bet that you’d never know it if you hadn’t grown up with him; Keith’s eyes were sharper, more cat-like, and his ponytail was tinged with pink that climbed from the ends and faded into black around his ears.
Keith glanced over at him before nudging him in the ribs. “Aren’t you supposed to be paying attention?”
“I was about to tell you to pay attention, Neth Black Paladin.”
“I don’t think you have a leg to stand on, Mister Co- Black Paladin.”
“Paladins.”
They both grinned sheepishly at Allura’s harsh whisper and tuned back into the speech that was currently droning on. The Hirmfrit leader seemed to be finally wrapping up. “To conclude: we thank you with all our vast ability for coming to this summit."
“That could’ve been a loooot shorter,” Keith whispered from the side of his mouth.
“It’s diplomacy, Keith, it’s always like this.”
“Paladins.”
“Sorry, Princess.”
Goddamn Shiro had missed his brother.
It turned out the Hirmfrits wanted to ask them about improvements to their planet’s defense systems before the welcoming banquet. Pidge and Hunk predictably started chattering about shields and were whisked away to the edge of the city, Lance mentioned something about medical supplies and disappeared with two of the older Hirmfrits, and Shiro and Allura were dragged off to central command. Which left Keith with the training rooms. Not that he particularly minded the arrangement, but this was their first full mission since getting Shiro back in his armor (even if he wasn’t quite ready to pilot yet), and Keith was jumpy about it. He’d already lost his brother twice, he wasn’t able to do it again. So being forcibly apart from him for whoever knew how many vargas? Not his idea of a good time.
Nonetheless, he followed the short, bright pink colored centaur-like being that honestly looked more like a tiger down the halls. They passed through a series of winding yellow corridors before they reached a straight corridor that seemed to run the entire length of the palace. “Here we are, Paladin!” she cheerfully exclaimed. “This corridor separates the two sides of the palace! We have the training rooms for the women on this side, and the men over here. They’re close enough that we can communicate, but far enough away to enforce the mandatory segregation during anything but social hours. Of course, we’re not allowed in the men’s one, so we’ll be focusing on the women’s room.”
Keith was pretty sure he’d heard at least half of that wrong. “Sorry, why are we not allowed in the men’s room?” And why were they even separated in the first place? Did this place really have one wing dedicated to a gender? How did that even work? Did they not have trans people?
“Why, no girls are allowed in there! We don’t even make exceptions for foreign dignitaries such as yourself, Ma’am.”
It had been so long it took Keith a moment to realize she was referring to him.
He suddenly couldn’t seem to breathe. There was a phantom weight on his chest and he had to resist looking down to check that they weren’t suddenly back. His skin was crawling and he felt wrong. He felt like his soul was withering, hiding, crawling back further away from the pain.
The Hrimfrit was looking at him expectantly. She must have said something while he was processing her prior words, but he had absolutely no idea. “Ma’am? Are you alright? We really must be getting into the training room.”
Just the thought of going into a room labeled “women only” made him want to cry. The word bounced around in his chest, squeezing dark tendrils around his heart. “Uh. I’ve got no idea what is translating how to give you that impression, but I’m...not a girl.”
She blinked at him. “Pardon me?”
“I’m. Not. A Girl.”
He was given a look of confusion. “But...you—“
“I don’t care what I look like or what you think, I am Not. A. Girl.”
Keith was pretty sure he was a word away from causing a diplomatic incident. How the everloving fuck was he going to explain this one? “Hi, Allura, I accidentally caused another one because these aliens have really strict ways to determine gender and kept applying them to me?”
Thankfully, the Hirmfrit seemed to accept his insistence. “Alright, well. If you’re going into the men’s one, I can’t follow you, but I suppose I could call my brother?”
“No, it’s alright, I don’t have to be in them to give you the spiel really, it just helps if I can point at stuff.”
“And that’s why we’re giving you as much of the intel on Imperial movements in the sector we can; the comms encryptions change too quickly for us to distribute them to all the planets in the Coalition.”
“Very well, Sir.” King Gend didn’t seem entirely pleased with the arrangement, but it was the best they could offer. The Imperials did periodically change the comm encryptions, and as fast as the rebels’ decrypt team worked with the Holt siblings’ enigma machine they’d agreed long ago to keep the keys between the main military commanders.
Shiro glanced over at the sound of a door opening and saw Keith finally entering with the Hirmfrit that had ushered him off. Even partway across the rather large banquet hall, he could see the tension keeping Keith’s shoulders taught. That hasn’t been there last time he’d seen him.
“Excuse me, Sir King Gend,” he bowed. Gend gave him a haughty wave and turned to Allura, who gave him a quizzical and perhaps slightly concerned look. Shiro gave her a quick reassuring smile and weaved his way through the crowd.
He found Keith situated with his back to a wall, arms crossed and grip on his arms a bit too tight. His eyes seemed at the same time too focused and nowhere present. “Hey. You good?”
Keith jolted. “Uh, yeah.”
“You sure?”
He looked away. “Yep.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Don’t care.”
“Keith—”
“I’m. Fine.”
Shiro sighed. Something was bothering Keith, but he obviously wasn’t going to open up about it here. “Alright. If you want to talk, I’m here.”
Keith just glared daggers at him. This was going to be a long few vargas.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, right behind you.”
“Oh sorry, Sir!”
“Sir, have you seen the crystal lattice? It’s really quite beautiful, a must see for any visitors.”
Apparently word got around fast, because Keith only had to correct a few more people on the “Ma’am” thing. At that point, though, his brain had become attuned to the constant, constant addressing of people with only “sir” or “ma’am.” He had to stop himself from flinching every time someone did it to him, no matter the word. Kuro’s soothing breeze in the back of his head did almost nothing to help.
Sirsirsirsirma’amsirsirsirma’amma’amsirsirsirsirsir.
He was pretty sure by the end of the night that his mind had shut itself off just to get away from the constant gendering, leaving him on autopilot. He was a little surprised he hadn’t snapped.
Shiro had the good sense to not push him on the ride back to the Castle. He gave him a light shoulder squeeze as they walked out of Kuro’s mouth before Allura started talking about getting them all to the bridge for debrief.
“Can we please get a shower and take off the armor, first?” Lance groaned, “I feel like there’s sweat caked into my skin.”
There wasn’t much debate on that.
“Keith,” someone said as soon as he got to the bridge.
He glanced over to find Pidge giving him A Look. It was the same concerned look Shiro had been giving him most of the banquet, but there was also...something else. “What.”
She waved him over. “You doing okay?”
“I’m fine, jesus, why do people keep asking me that.”
Pidge raised an eyebrow. “By “people” I assume you mean Shiro, and because you do, in fact, look like someone kicked your favorite cat. It’s hard to tell because you’re you, but I’ve known you long enough I’m pretty sure I can tell.”
He glared at her. “I do not look like that.”
She sighed. “I also, no offense to Shiro in all his cis-ness, have a little bit better intuition of how much gendering is too much. And that planet down there? The host species of this summit? Too much.”
“Did they—?”
“No, thank god, they stuck with “Ma’am” for me. But I heard you have to correct people to “sir” at least once, and you’ve told me before that sometimes you have troubles with that too.”
Keith sighed and looked away. “I’ll be fine. Just….need a bit.”
“You should ask Allura if you can get pulled off going down tomorrow.”
“What? No. We have a mission—”
“Yeah, and you’re going to be useless on it if you’re about to break down from the iron fist of good ol’ dysphoria clamping on your lungs.”
He turned his eyes back to her, narrow and angry. He could do this. “Pidge—”
“Keith. Answer me truthfully. Do you actually feel up to doing anything but curling up in a ball right now? Because I know for a fact that if a single one of those aliens had called me “sir” I would be under a blanket crying right now.”
His silence was all the answer she needed. “Just, think about it, okay?”
Pidge gave him A Look again when he landed the Black Lion in the big courtyard after their usual showing off the next morning. He stared impassively back. He could do this. It was just different cultural practices, right? Right. Just basic diplomacy.
The moment Kuro settled in the Castle’s hangar Keith beelined for his room, not bothering to wait for any instructions on the inevitable debrief. He needed to be somewhere without people. People meant talking meant gendering meant the icey hard thing squeezing his insides increasing the pressure until everything snapped.
He couldn’t fucking breathe. It felt like wearing a binder too long, like too little oxygen in his suit, like being crushed squeezed lungs pressed against an unforgiving steel wall.
As soon as he got into the room he threw the plates of his armor off. They landed with a clatter against the bed. He tried to finally take a huge breath of clean air, but his lungs were rebelling. Keith fumbled for a minute before managing to lock the door to his room and collapsing against it. He slid to the floor, arms wrapped around his chest because otherwise he felt like he was going to break apart.
Breathe, cub.
He was it just wasn’t working.
In two three four out six seven eight. There you go. Easy, just keep focusing on your breathing.
Keith focused on the soothing breeze in the back of his head. In two three four out six seven eight. He finally managed to take a full breath, and then another, and another. Sorry.
Do not apologize, cub, Kuro’s voice rumbled through his mind. Keith wondered if he was actively choosing to sound a little more like Shiro, or that was his own mind playing tricks. I don’t believe I’ve ever felt you like that. It wasn’t the same thing as sparring against your brother caused. Do you know what happened?
Yeah, I’m fine. I should get to the debrief.
That does not answer my question, and I don’t believe you to be fine.
He could feel the Lion’s skepticism as he stripped the undersuit off before grabbing a shirt and pants. I am fine. Gender’s just a bitch sometimes.
…..what?
Keith sighed. A dürzeraar? Raasmaagrai? Zruazthíth tidaed.
Oh. I did not know this.
Oh my god how. You’re in my head.
Kuro sent a mental shrug. I don’t go rooting around. We had enough troubles without me invading your privacy more than already required. However, you are deflecting, and I fail to see how you are “fine.”
I’m not deflecting. That’s actually the problem. Try asking Jade or Scarlet.
Keith unhooked his blade sheath from his armor and reattached it to his belt, giving Kuro time to figure out what exactly he’d meant. He felt better with the familiar weight of his blade at his back, a shield when he needed it. After a moment of thought he materialized his bayard and hooked it to the belt as well. He still felt….off, even if he wasn’t on the edge of a panic attack right now. Maybe some time in the training room would clear it. He always felt more himself with a move to practice or a fight to focus on.
Ah. I believe I get it now.
Yeah.
I believe you should take Pidge’s suggestion and ask the Princess if you could not be on-planet for the rest of the summit.
Keith stopped, palm on the controls of his door. What? No, it’s not that bad.
Keith, you just had a panic attack due to the sheer amount of gendered words applied to you today.
And now I’m fine.
And is this going to happen again tomorrow? Is it going to be worse because you’ve already been through two quintants of it?
I don’t know! I just know that I can’t do that.
Why not.
Because—because I’ve been through all this already. I went through it all the time on Earth. I know how to deal with this.
It is not weak to ask for help.
I didn’t say it was.
But you were thinking it. Please, cub, forcing yourself to go somewhere that makes you uncomfortable to that extent is basically another form of harming yourself.
Keith deflated a little. I….fine. I’ll try.
Shiro hid a yawn behind his hand. He’d really love to start this debrief so they could all go to bed. The others seemed to have similar feelings, as Hunk flopped down in his chair with a long-winded yawn. “Can we start so I can flop into bed?”
Allura shook her head. “We’re still missing Keith and Pidge.”
Lance groaned and slumped over the back of Hunk’s chair. “But I’m tiiiirrrreeeeeedddddd.” Right on cue the doors opened and the Green Paladin appeared, hair tousled and damp. She dragged herself over to her chair to flop in it with a defeated sounding sigh. “Hey, Pidgeotto, have you seen the resident Mullet?”
Pidge blinked into space for a moment before sitting up. “Ah, I think we should start without him. He seemed like he needed a minute.”
Shiro pursed his lips, but nodded. Keith had seemed on edge all day, and if the way he had bolted out of the Black Lion said anything Pidge was right. He still wasn’t talking about whatever was bothering him.
They all yawned their way through debrief, even Allura. Shiro felt weird leading it without Keith there to fill in the gaps. He’d become so used to his brother being at his side, elbowing him when he forgot things and effortlessly strategizing around their problems and being a better leader than Shiro ever would be (and every time he said that, Keith would deny it and say no one could replace Shiro as leader).
Keith didn’t show up the entire session, which was mostly unsurprising but a little worrying. Maybe he was just taking an extra long shower. He waved the rest of the team to bed, intending to go check on Keith, but Allura called from the central dias. “Shiro, do you happen to know when the path to the Blade base next opens up? We need to give them our intel haul as soon as we can.”
He thought for a moment. “....a quintant? I don’t have the formula memorized, but I bet Keith does.”
“What do I have memorized?”
It was either a testament to how tired he was or to Keith’s Blade training that Shiro hadn’t heard him enter the bridge. As it was, he almost jumped out of his skin. “The timing for the path to the main Blade base opening,” Shiro said as he turned around. Keith was in his usual black shirt and jeans, but strangely his hair didn’t seem wet and his bayard was swinging from his belt. His breathing seemed a little too measured to not be conscious and his eyes were...something. They weren’t yellow, but they looked just slightly off. He was fidgeting with the worn hem of the shirt, picking at a loose thread.
“About fifty vargas, then should be open for another three quintants.”
Allura nodded. “Alright then. We should be able to wormhole over as soon as we’re done with this summit.”
Something passed over Keith’s face too quickly for Shiro to put a name to it. “Can—Can I uh, fuck. No, shut up, Kuro. CanInotgodowntomorrow.”
Shiro and Allura glanced at each other, twin looks of confusion and concern on their faces. “Well, I would prefer we have everyone but—”
“Yeah, yeah okay, sorry, nevermind. It’s stupid, I can deal.”
“Wh—Keith—”
The door closed behind him, leaving Shiro with his Altean hand outstretched and a sense of confusion. He lowered his hand, still staring after his brother.
Allura stepped away from the dias to stand next to him. They glanced at each other again. Shiro was sure his own face mirrored her furrowed brow and tight eyes. “....he never begs off, no matter how much he hates these things.”
“I’ll go talk to him.”
She nodded. “Maybe we should get the Blades that intel a little sooner.”
Shiro found him, predictably, in the training room.
“Training level seven complete. Start level eight?”
Keith looked back at him, eyes still decidedly off. “What do you want?”
“I want to talk to you.”
“I’m not talking right now.”
“Fine,” Shiro said, sitting against the wall generally out of the way, “but I’m staying here until you’re ready.”
Keith glared at him, but turned back to the gladiators. The gladiators were coming at him with a robotic fury, but Keith had a singular focus. His bayard easily shifted from hand to hand as he swung at the robots, sending dismembered limbs all over the training room. They dissipated into the ground with a pixelated flourish. Shiro watched him as he climbed through the routine, watched as his stance shifted from deliberate to an afterthought, watched as his blocks slowly lowered from just above where they needed to be to just below.
Shiro let him get up through level ten before he stood up. “Alright, end training sequence.”
“No.”
“Keith, I can tell you’re getting tired. Your stance is sloppy and your blocks aren’t where they need to be. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”
Keith growled. “Fine, then fight me.”
“No, Keith. We’re not doing that when I can tell you’re already unstable.”
“I am fine!”
“No you’re not! I can tell! God damnit Keith, you’ve been avoiding whatever’s bothering you for two days just talk to me! Otouto, I care about you—”
Keith cut him off with a yell as he turned and threw his bayard across the room. “Don’t call me that. Not right now.”
Things clicked into place for Shiro. Oh. He knelt in front of Keith, who had collapsed to his knees in the middle of the room. His hair was covering his face, but Shiro could hear the hitch in his breath that meant he was trying not to cry. “Hey, I’m sorry. I should’ve realized, but I guess I’m just not as attuned to gendered words as you are. What do you need?”
Keith rubbed at his eyes with his forearm. “I just—The entire time they kept—the entire time. Like every other fucking sentence had a “sir” or even “ma’am” tacked on and I can’t—fuck I can’t deal with this, Shiro. It hurts. I haven’t felt like this in years and I forgot how much it fucking hurts like my insides are shriveling up and my skin is on wrong and it makes me want to cry and I just— it hurts, ‘Kashi.”
Shiro pulled him into a hug and Keith finally let himself break down. He rubbed circles on Keith’s back, trying to sooth the sobs that racked his body. His heart hurt to see his little sibling like this, all the more because he’d unknowingly contributed to it. “I’m sorry. If I could stop this, if I could change the universe so you didn’t have to deal with this, I would.”
He continued the soothing motion as Keith’s sobs slowed to sniffles. Eventually, he pulled back and sat up, rubbing tear tracks off his cheeks. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for this, Keith. Never apologize for this.”
He sniffled. “Okay. Can I, uh….” Keith floundered for a moment, trying to find the words to ask for what he needed.
Shiro, bless him, understood immediately. “I’ve got a mission for you. You know all the data Pidge pulled from that downed ship?”
“Yeah.”
“We need someone to get it to the Blades for decrypt before it becomes useless. I am hereby ordering you to take Kuro over there after you get some sleep.” Shiro stood and extended a hand out to his sibling. “Okay?”
Keith took it. He managed a small, grateful smile. “Yeah. Thanks, Shiro.”