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Harry was extremely good at trying to act like he was significantly less fucked in the brain than he actually was. He could push everything down and do whatever it was he needed to do. If it was taking a test, play quidditch or stab a giant snake and almost get murdered by Voldemort 4 times in less than 15 years.
But Cedric dying was starting to make that really hard. He was always angry and nervous. His brain did not know how to turn off and everything was aggravating. He wanted to be able to just fight and get this shit over but no one would let him in on what the hell was going on and Dumbledore didn’t even give him the time of day. Constant nightmares also added on to this shit because he was always tired.
His ability to hold everything together came to an end while they were trying to clean Grimmauld Place on Ms Weasley’s orders. Harry was emptying out a cupboard then Fred and George decided to shut the door, Harry heard the lock click.
He was suddenly rushed with uncontrollable fear. Being trapped wigged him out, he couldn’t fight back but he just needed his wand. His fingers fumbled his wand he heard a light thud.
His mind was scrambled throwing him for a loop. Harry swore he could hear uncle Vernon screaming which was new, but he figured the whole closet thing was different. He remembered being a kid and being tossed under the stairs.
Harry banged on the door switching between felling 10 years old all over again in the cupboard or locked on a statue. Greenlight was running past his eyes as he slammed the door so hard the wood splintered on his hand. Harry clawed at the shards swearing he could hear his aunt insulting him.
Ron’s angry voice slipped into his thoughts as he hit the wood again to get out. His mind was too full to process what Ron said. Harry fell out the door with a large thud as he tried to hit the door again.
Harry stood up feeling really unsteady. He could tell his hands were shaking and his fingertips had small drops of blood. He was very aware his cheeks were wet, god he had been crying.
“Harry mate you okay?” Ron said.
“You don’t look good. Wanna sit down?” Ginny asked.
Fred and George looked uncomfortable. Ginny looked sad and Ron was red like he was angry but was sadder like Ginny than really mad.
“I don’t. yeah, gotta go.” He mumbled leaving the room. His heart was pounding in his chest. He found an empty room and fell to the ground.
Harry pulled his feet to his chest laying his arms on his knees head bowed to his forearms. The room was cold for the summer, but Grimmauld Place seemed to always be like that though. Something dark maybe left over from the previous inhabitants, like the screaming portraits and creepy house elf.
Harry startled when a hand brushed his shoulder. Sirius was standing in front of him and Lupin was behind him.
“Hi,” Harry said. Furiously wiping the tear streaks from his face. Feeling so embarrassed.
Their concerned faces meant somebody had told them he had just freaked out about being a closet like he’d been tortured or something, though Cruciatus was more pain than fear so not exactly the same.
The two men sat down in front of him.
“Ron and Ginny told us what happened,” Sirius said.
“Yeah. I know it was stupid, I’ve just been kinda out of it lately, sorry.” Harry explained.
“Harry, you don’t have to apologize. You’ve had a lot of really fucking traumatic crap happen, I think a panic attack is pretty normal.” Sirius said.
“what?” Harry said, not really understanding what he meant.
“Panic attacks, or a flashback whatever I get them, so does Remus. It’s fine.” Sirius said.
“I don’t understand,” Harry mumbled he’d heard about that shit with soldiers or whatever on tv. But it just felt like he’d been stupid, but saying that would be a dick move if they freaked out too.
“Can you tell me, what you were feeling and thinking about when they locked you in?” Lupin asked.
“I felt like really scared, confused and trapped. Then I dropped my wand and kinda lost it. I kept thinking about how I couldn’t get away. And then about when my uncle used to lock me in the closet when he was angry. and like I could swear I heard him and then all I could see was the light from Avada Kedavra.” Harry explained, he was a bit surprised he'd said all of it, and mentally cursed himself as his hands started shaking again.
Sirius and Remus glanced at each other with knowing looks.
“What are you thinking about?” Harry asked, not wanting to be kept out of the lop anymore.
Luping ran his hand over his chin and sighed, “I noticed back when you were 13. Something was, not right. You reminded me a lot of Sirius when we were young.” He stopped
“What's wrong with being like Sirius?” Harry said incredulously.
“Harry he doesn’t mean wrong because he hates more or something, well at least now.” Sirius said with a light chuckle, “but thanks for sticking up for me”
“What I meant to say was. Sirius’s parents were abusive. And I saw a lot of the same signs with you, I should have done something but I didn’t” Remus looked guilty. Harry felt bad and confused for making him feel crappy.
“My mother would hit me, yell at me lock me in my room. Things like that. It’s why I ran away to live with your father. She pushed me too far, yelled at me for being a fag and blood traitor. It was a pretty impressive knock down drag out fight” Sirius said with a rueful smile, “ I mean she was right about most of it but I was sixteen strangling me and kicking me out was a bit excessive.”
Harry stared at his godfather and gulped. There was something wrong about him saying that shit out loud. It was the kind of stuff you kept quiet, you weren't supposed to tell anyone. He did sometimes say stuff that people found odd, but Harry knew better than to say stuff. He never had. Harry thought about Vernon strangling him earlier that summer, and how he hadn't even thought to tell people it happened. His hand drifted unconsciously to his neck.
“Your aunt and uncle. They do shit like that don’t they?” Remus asked.
Harry was distracted that a teacher, even an ex-teacher cursing so casually. Then he registered the question. And he couldn’t think straight again.
“You can tell us. We won’t go blabbing to everyone else. But I have to know, do your aunt and uncle. Do they hurt you, insult you, starve you anything like that.” Sirius said earnestly.
“Yeah.” Harry said he stomach flopping as he said it, feeling like he was doing something wrong somehow, “All of it I guess. I don’t know, it’s just they can be assholes and stuff about things, get mean. It’s why I ran away in my 3rd year I thought he might literally kill me. But it’s just how it is I guess, family or whatever.”
Sirius looked angry even though he was clearly trying to be calm. Squeezing his hands shut tight visibly biting his tongue.
“I promise you, Harry, it’s not just how families are. You're a kid family shouldn't hit you, or lock you in closets or insult you or any of it. And I’m really sorry I didn’t do anything before. I noticed so I should have, you don’t deserve to be hurt” Lupin said his voice sounded pained.
Harry was caught off guard when Sirius brought him into a tight hug. He pulled back, he held Harry's shoulders, and it didn't even hurt.
“ Listen to me, Harry. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you when I should have been. No one ever should have put you through any of that. I’ve been a really shitty godfather. You're the strongest person I know for going through all of that on top of all the things with Voldemort. You survived and are such an amazingly good person. None of what you have been through has ever been your fault. ” Sirius said.
Harry looked in his godfather's eyes and leaned forward into another hug. He finally had a family who didn't want to hurt him. God his breath shuddered as he felt arms encircle him. It was the craziest thing to him, people listening. Tears started to fall, he kept thinking "Someone noticed, and it wasn’t his fault."