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Dorian almost dropped the book he had been leafing through. He wasn’t used to seeing the Iron Bull in the library so that in itself was alarming enough. On top of that, his expression…
He knew that there was more to Bull than the tough mask he showed to the world. Assan had told him how even the Iron Bull sometimes woke up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. But he had never seen him this anxious.
“Is something wrong?” Dorian dropped the book on a table and took Bull’s hand to lead him inside his nook in the library. They would be relatively away from prying eyes there.
“It’s…” Bull sighed. “I’m going to leave Skyhold for a few days. With the Chargers.”
“Oh…” Dorian’s mouth stayed in a perfect circle.
“Yeah…” Bull slumped against a bookshelf, making all the books rattle. “They really need me out there this time.”
“And it does not help that you’ve been starting to feel itchy after months stranded here, right?” Dorian said with a bit more heat that he had intended. He bit his lip and turned around to pretend he was glancing through the titles. “Sorry, that was unfair.”
“Not as unfair as asking you to look after him for me,” Bull said in a low rumble.
“He’s my best friend,” Dorian chuckled and almost got it to sound careless. “You don’t even need to ask.”
“I still wanted to,” Bull got closer to him, but Dorian didn’t turn around. “And I still wanted to thank you for it. He’s my kadan, I would never forgive myself if something happened to him in my absence.”
“I’ll make sure he gets out of bed every morning and that he sleeps as best as he can. Don’t worry,” Dorian said in a hushed whisper.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be,” this time Dorian’s chuckle came from his heart. “It’s not your fault I’m in love with him.”
“It was my fault not to notice it sooner,” Bull’s voice was so close, Dorian could almost feel his breath brushing his ear. “Before we asked you to join us.”
“That was my choice, I said yes and I don’t regret any of it,” Dorian spat turning around to face Bull mere inches away from him. “Now go away. I have work to do and you have people to save.”
“Promise…”
“He’ll be fine. It won’t hurt me. You have my word.”
Dorian Pavus you’re a better liar than you thought if you’ve convinced Bull of any of those words, he thought to himself. Both knew that Bull had needed more his blessing than his promise.
It was going to hurt, it was inevitable. Every second holding his feelings secret from Assan hurt.
And Assan wasn’t going to be fine, because he hadn’t been fine since the Exalted Council. On that day, Assan had lost so many things: his blood family, his friend, his faith, his arm…
Not even someone as strong as the Lord Inquisitor could walk away from that unscathed.
He had delegated his most pressing obligations on his advisors. Then, he had given the order to make the Inquisition step down of everything they could shrug off. They would still call him Your Worship, but Assan had, in effect, given away all the power he once held.
His big words at the Council had been his last act as the Inquisitor. Or so he had told Dorian after a few jugs of mead and immediately before the flood of tears. Since then, he had to be coaxed out of his rooms every morning. Bull had told him it was even harder to put him to bed at night.
Everybody who had stayed in Skyhold tried to help him as they could. But it was Bull who was there for Assan day and night, trying to bring him back to health little by little.
It had done weird things to Dorian’s heart seeing this tender side of Bull. It didn’t make it hurt less, but it put him at ease that Assan had chosen his partner well. Bull was much better for Assan that Dorian would ever be. They would be fine once he was gone.
But that was a topic for another day, hopefully still months ahead of him. That morning, with the sky still dark on the other side of the windows Dorian was rushing through Skyhold. He climbed the stairs and opened the doors to the Inquisitor’s room without bothering to knock first.
Assan didn’t even groan, but Dorian could see him moving under the covers of his huge bed. Big enough to fit a human, an elf and a qunari, Dorian knew. He shook those thoughts out of his mind and made a beeline towards the closet on the other side of the bed.
“Am I getting a wardrobe makeover?” Assan’s voice was rough, either from disuse or from lack of sleep. Dorian feared it would be both. It made him want to be gentle, but he also knew they wouldn’t get anywhere if Dorian started to coddle him out of pity. He took the first clothes that felt both comfortable and clean and threw them to Assan’s face.
“Get dressed,” Dorian ordered.
“The sun is not out yet, Dorian,” Assan grunted and turned around. “I’m tired.”
“I know, you didn’t go to sleep last night, right?” Dorian walked closer to the bed, his arms crossed.
“The nightmares could wait for a few hours, but they’re calling me now,” Assan said. It would have sounded somber, had it not been for the pitiful quality of his voice.
“I’m the one calling you now.” Dorian stripped the blankets off of Assan, making him whine. “You can come back to your pity party afterward, but now you’re coming with me.”
“Fuck off,” Assan groaned against the pillow.
“Get dressed.”
“Make me.”
That was it. Dorian hoped Assan would forgive him and maybe even thank him in the long run. But on that second, he knew Assan was regretting those words. The next thing he knew, Dorian was manhandling him to sit up and pulling his sleeping shirt off of him.
“At least, you could have bought me dinner first!” Assan shouted indignantly. Yet, he let Dorian maneuver him out of his clothes and into whatever Dorian had taken out of his closet. Dorian would have preferred that he had fought. It seemed that his poor friend didn't even have spirit enough to do anything except cursing. In a matter of minutes, he was dressed and out of bed.
“Come on, follow me,” Dorian said and expected another insult, but Assan just stood there looking at him.
“I have nowhere to be,” Assan said in a soft whisper. Something in that voice made Dorian’s heart hurt.
“You do now,” Dorian said and took Assan's hand in his own to pull him down the stairs and out of the room. “You have to come with me.”
“Bull’s orders?” Assan asked with a resigned sigh. Dorian’s eyes flinched, but he didn’t slow down.
“He did ask me, not order, mind you.”
“Did he ask you to make it look for everybody else as if I was cheating on him?”
Assan’s words would have been playful in any other circumstance. Dorian was used to the elf neverending flirting, even though he knew he meant nothing by it. Now there was resentment and a hint of defeat in his voice. Whether he was actually trying to get Dorian off him by hurting him or… Dorian preferred not to think about it.
Ignoring Assan’s remark, Dorian continued pulling him through the keep and out on top of the walls. None of them spoke another word until Dorian stopped and leaned on the parapet.
“This is it?” Assan asked scrunching his nose.
“I imagined you could use a bit of sunlight on you pale ass,” Dorian said, a bit more forcefully that he had intended. He had promised Bull that this wasn’t going to hurt him. He had every intention of pretending that it was something that could happen for as long as he could.
“Sunlight gets into my room, too,” Assan grunted but leaned on the parapet beside Dorian. They looked at the mountains that had surrounded and protected them all this time. The sun was already bathing them in light, even though it barely peeked from behind the mountains.
“Looking at the beauty of the nature surrounding us isn’t going to make me forget that my clan has left,” me was left unsaid. Assan’s tone was forceful, but the sadness in his words and eyes couldn’t escape Dorian.
For a few heartbeats, Dorian didn’t know what to do or say. He was no stranger to the pain one’s family could inflict, no matter the circumstances. He had to flee his family for his own safety and he understood that Assan couldn’t follow his own for the same reason.
Dorian couldn’t find any words. Instead, he put his arm on Assan’s shoulder and let it rest there while they saw the day waking up. Assan flinched when he felt Dorian’s fingers on his left shoulder, but didn’t move away from the touch.
They stood there until Dorian started to hear the sound of the keep officially starting the day. In silent agreement, Dorian took his hand away and both of them went back inside.
Day one seemed to be a success. He couldn’t vouch on how the Inquisitor was feeling, couldn’t even know if he had made his day a little better. But he was out of bed by sunrise. At least he could keep that part of his promise.
Assan groaned and curled into himself when the covers were ripped away from his body in a swift movement for the second day in a row. There was nothing Dorian wanted more than to curl up beside him and fall back asleep. In fact, even the couch by the railing would have been enough. But he had a promise to keep and it was both their fault that they were so tired.
“I’ve already seen the beauty of the sunrise,” Assan groaned against his pillow, bending his knees until the nightshirt covered most of his legs. “And we contemplated the beauty of the full moon too. Can’t we sleep a bit more?”
“The day is starting,” Dorian said in a monotone as he considered the contents of Assan’s wardrobe.
“My head hurts.”
“So does mine. Maybe we’ll think it twice before finishing three bottles of wine between the two of us next time.”
“Unlikely,” Assan snorted.
“Everybody will blame me for making you this incorrigible.” Dorian threw the clothes on top of Assan’s mop of hair, but he didn’t even flinch. “Are you going to make me dress you again?”
“You know I like being manhandled.” The sheet rustled as Assan turned to look at him with a smirk. “I’m sure Bull would have given you instructions to keep me satisfied.”
“Dress yourself,” Dorian said turning away to look outside of the balcony. Anything but the delicious view that was Assan in just his flimsy nightshirt, his short legs now extended to their full length, spread against the canvas of the white linen. And there was no way Assan didn’t know what he was doing to Dorian.
“You’re no fun,” Assan muttered, but Dorian could hear him getting out of his night clothes.
When he heard Assan’s feet on the floor, Dorian turned around to see something on Assan’s face. Uncertainty. His heart melted a little and he walked closer to Assan.
“Out with it,” Dorian put his hand on Assan’s right shoulder, squeezing it a bit to encourage him.
“Nothing gets past you, eh?” Assan smiled. “Between you and Bull, it’s clear that I’m a magnet for attractive and intelligent men.”
“Don’t try to praise your way out, mister,” Dorian chided him, which made Assan chuckle. Point for Dorian, he thought.
“Could we…” Assan bit his lip, growing more serious. “Could we do something different today?”
“What do you have in mind?” Dorian was a bit weary, but both of them knew he would do anything to humor Assan as long as it didn’t put him in danger. As Assan smiled, a distant look set on his eyes.
“Let’s go get our staffs first.”
Dorian saw a spring on Assan’s step that had been missing for most of the time they had known each other. He was clearly excited if a bit nervous. Dorian was mostly intrigued about what he could have planned for them.
They picked up their staffs from the Inquisitor’s armory and Assan led them down to the training grounds. The sun was hardly out yet, but Cullen’s soldier had already started their daily training. It took them a little while of walking around, but, finally, they found a patch of grass far enough from the soldiers.
Assan left the staff on the ground in front of him. He took a deep breath and stretched his arms up towards the sky, making his shirt lift enough to give Dorian a quick peek of his belly. He had become too thin, Dorian thought. Not enough food inside that stomach for all the worries he had. He would have to make sure to remedy that, maybe even before his next departure.
“Come on, Dorian. Stretch,” Assan prompted him when he saw that Dorian was left standing and gawking at him. “Feel the energy of the coming sun.”
Dorian had to bit his tongue to avoid saying something inappropriate and started imitating Assan’s movements. He had to admit that it felt good. He spent so much time inside his own head, he rarely had the chance to move and focus only on his body.
After a couple more stretches, Assan bent down to pick up his staff. Without a word, he rose it and hit the ground with it, letting out a strong blow of air through the mouth at the same time. Then, Dorian couldn’t describe it in any other way, he started to dance with the staff.
Dorian could see that it was a dance for someone with two hands, but Assan still made it look beautifully fluid. He twirled it, moved it to his back and back to the front, pointed it at the sky and then back towards the earth. All too quickly for Dorian to do anything but appreciate the spectacle.
When it was over, Assan smiled. “Do you think you can do it?”
“You’re going to have to repeat it once more for me, I’m afraid,” Dorian smiled back at him. And that was their morning.
The sun was high in the sky by the moment both of them collapsed on the ground. It had taken Dorian hours to manage to perform the whole sequence without a mistake, even with Assan help.
“It will get easier the more you do it,” Assan was saying as he scooted closer to Dorian. “You’re supposed to know the sequence like the back of your hand. Once you can do it without thinking… I can’t even explain how it feels. You’ll see. It’ll be like walking through the Fade, but without leaving this plane.”
“When did you learn this?”
“My keeper,” Assan said, his expression closing a bit. Dorian put his hand on Assan’s knee, but Assan shook his head. “Every morning the two of us would start the day with these exercises. As far as I know, only the Lavellan clan practiced this specific sequence.”
“Is it okay for me to know it, then?”
“They’re gone,” Assan shook his head again and started to play with the grass. “I was going to be the keeper. I’ve spent my whole life studying to transmit the knowledge of my people to the next generation. I can’t do that know, but I can do this. I can teach what I know to the people I care about.”
“Thank you, my friend,” Dorian barely got out through the knot in his throat. He couldn’t help taking Assan’s hand in his and squeezing it tight. “I’ll treasure this, I promise.”
“Dorian,” Assan whispered and moved his hand so he could intertwine his fingers with Dorian’s. For a few seconds, they only looked into each other's eyes. Then Assan licked his lips and Dorian knew he had to look away, get up and as far from the elf as he could.
“People will be wondering where you’ve been. Let’s go back inside.”
Memories of last night started to creep into Dorian's mind. After their daily duties, they had met to eat supper. None of them had been in the mood to retire for the night, so they had gone to Assan’s room. For a chat and some time together, like the good friends they were.
Not having learned their lesson, they had opened another bottle of wine. He remembered looking into Assan's eyes, him staring back, and none of them moving. Then the laugh, the hugs, and finally falling in bed, exhausted. Together.
Which was why, as he woke up, Dorian’s face was buried in Assan’s long auburn hair with his chin resting on Assan’s shoulder. Even unwashed as they were from the day before, Assan smell like the deep forest. Dorian could imagine him surrounded by trees, wearing flowers in his hair. In Dorian’s imagination, Assan was wearing little more than the colorful crown on his head and some vines hugging one of his legs.
“Dorian Pavus, stop right now,” he reminded himself. Those were dangerous thoughts to have anywhere. Lying right beside Assan, both of them wearing only their smallclothes... they were basically a sin. If he continued and Assan woke up and noticed it, he would have to exile himself from Skyhold and never come back.
Dorian tried to, at least, face the other way but found that he couldn’t take his hand anywhere. It was warm. He peeked under the covers to confirm that Assan had his hand trapped in his own. As if he was afraid Dorian would disappear if he let go. “A charming thought based on pure imagination”, Dorian reprimanded himself.
“You can go back to sleep,” Assan muttered, startling Dorian. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do to take me out of here this morning.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” Dorian admitted defeat. It was the only part of the promise to Bull he had been able to uphold, but there it went. Good thing that Bull already knew Dorian was a liar. And in love with his husband.
“Really?” Assan let go of his hand to turn around and face him properly. They were close enough to only be able to see each other’s eyes. “And here I was looking forward you physically dragging me out of bed so we could look at the sunrise and hold hands.”
“I think the slightest hint of light would break my head,” Dorian groaned, making Assan chuckle. Were elves more resistant to hangovers or was it Assan’s special talent?
“We could still hold hands,” Assan said in a whisper. Dorian’s head was too muddled to discern if he was still messing with him. They had been holding hands a second ago, kind of. But still…
“I think I’ve given your husband enough reasons to kill me on sight.” Dorian couldn’t know if Assan was joking, but one thing was clear. He wasn’t going to mess around with a married man. Not again.
“Bull adores you and you’ve kept me alive; that’s more than enough,” Assan’s voice was getting lower and more dangerous. “I’m sure he would rather do other things with you, you know…”
“Please, stop.”
In a second, Dorian sat up and moved away from Assan. He would have gotten out of bed, but just straightening up had made the world turn and wobble around him enough. If he tried to get to his feet, he would most likely end up on the floor.
“I know you always flirt with me…” Dorian’s words were deliberate, slow. Oh, Maker, he didn’t want to say anything that would hurt Assan, that would put their friendship in danger.
“Thank you for noticing,” Assan’s tone was just as serious and calculating as Dorian’s, despite his words.
“And we all had fun that one time, I must admit it,” Dorian stopped talking, waiting for any reaction behind him. A chuckle came, and not a happy one.
“You don’t need to hold your words around me like this,” Assan said and Dorian could hear the sad smile in his voice. “I may look fragile now, but it’s not going to kill me to hear that you don’t love me, you know? You’re still my friend, no matter what.”
“Assan, what are you saying?” Dorian turned around so fast he had to reach to the bed’s headboard not to faceplant. “I thought you were happy with Bull. That you loved him.”
“I do,” Assan looked straight into his eyes. “That doesn’t mean I can’t love you too.”
“That’s…”
“We’ve talked about it, too,” Assan interrupted him. “He told me he knew about my feelings even before I was ready to admit them myself. It’s not common among the Dalish to have more than one partner, you know?”
Dorian couldn’t articulate a single word, just looking at Assan’s watery eyes and his sad smile was breaking his heart. His beloved loved him back, but, what did that even mean when their situation was what it was?
“It may be a bit selfish,” Assan’s eyes fell to his hand grasping the sheets. “But I wanted you to know before… I wanted you to have all the information because I’m an idiot. Sorry.”
“But that’s so… imprudent,” Dorian finally manage to get out. “What would the people under you say? And they would notice, mind you. There are eyes everywhere in this castle.”
“Neither Bull, not I were planning on keeping you a secret,” Assan shrugged. “You don’t have to think about it, anyway.”
But how could Dorian think about anything else? Assan loved him, he and Bull had talked about and agreed to include him in their relationship. And not as just a novelty for their bed, but as a proper partner. Fate had a twisted way of making wishes come true.
“I thought it was you who didn’t love me back,” Dorian said and Assan raised his big eyes to Dorian’s face, his mouth slightly open. “Bull noticed, of course, but promised me he wouldn’t tell you anything.”
“I made him promise he wouldn’t tell you anything about me,” Assan said in a soft voice. “About my feelings. What the hell was your secret?”
“My feelings for you, silly.”
Dorian couldn’t hide his devilish smile. Assan bit his lip and lowered his eyes. Dorian had seen his eyes getting even more watery than before, but he didn’t mention it.
For a minute, none of them talked. Dorian’s mind was completely useless, repeating again and again “Assan loves me, Assan loves me”.
“Why aren’t we kissing then?” Assan asked, and Dorian asked himself the same thing and the answer came to him like icy water.
“Because I’m still leaving,” Dorian said slowly and then chuckled out of breath. “Are we really so pathetic that we would put ourselves through this heartbreak?”
“You’re the bravest man I know,” Assan said as a matter of fact. He rose his head again, facing Dorian with streams of tears falling down his cheeks. “And you’ve seen the kind of people I know. We’re not pathetic.” Watching Dorian’s expression closely, Assan reached and put his hand on top of Dorian’s. “Maybe just bold enough to try and make the best of the shitty cards we’ve been dealt.”
Dorian held his breath and turned his hand around to entangle his fingers with Assan’s. They looked as if their hands had been made out of complementary casting molds. Not just their hands, the two of them had fit together perfectly from the moment they had met. And yet, it had been as evident to Dorian that theirs could have never been a love story with a happy ending.
“We’re already too late to avoid breaking our hearts,” Assan said finally, taking Dorian’s hand to his lips. Of course, Assan was right, as he tended to be.
His heart had already broken the moment he had received the letter from Tevinter. His father had died and now he held the magistry. His duty, his sense of responsibility toward his country would never let him turn his back to it. Even if it was to live happily ever after with the man he loved. His only consolation was that, at least, his beloved Assan would have Bull to look after him.
“Would you really take me? Knowing that I’m leaving and neither of us can avoid it. Knowing that I can’t take you with me…”
“We can use whatever time we have together to love each other,” Assan grasped Dorian’s hand harder. “And you won’t be gone forever never to meet us again. We’ll see each other. We’ll talk through the stone. We… we’ll make this work in whichever way we can.”
“Assan.”
“If you want to, of course,” Assan laughed self-deprecatingly. “I’m always getting a bit ahead of myself, it seems. That you love me doesn’t mean you want to submit yourself to this.”
“If this is you, I’d have no problems submitting.” Now it was Dorian’s turn to smirk and pull Assan’s hand toward his lips, nearly making him lose balance. “If you mean a long distance relationship… I can’t assure you we’ll make it work.”
“But we can try.”
“I’m willing to try.”
“And…” Assan bit his lip, looking more flirtatious than worried. Still, there was a hint of hesitation in his eyes. “Bull?”
“I would like to say that I’m surprised that big oaf would take me gladly. A ‘vint…”
“And a qunari,” Assan laughed and this time the smile stayed on his lips. “And an elf. We’re a weird combination of sorts. But you don’t dislike him, I know. I’ve seen how you exchange quips with him, the fondness with which you annoy each other.”
“He hasn’t told you if…?”
“You go ask him when he’s back.”
Dorian would, even if he already suspected the answer. Assan was right, it was obvious for everyone, even for him, how much the Bull’s feelings for Dorian had changed. Even through all his courtship with Assan, he had reserved a soft spot in his heart for Dorian.
“He’ll say yes, I know,” Dorian sighed, pretending to be annoyed, but smiling. “It was just a matter of time.”
“He called you pretty when he first saw you,” Assan agreed.
They looked into each other’s eyes, still holding hands. Dorian wanted nothing more than to put his other hand on Assan’s nape and pulled him towards himself. He wanted to kiss his mouth with all the pent up frustration of years. But there was a promise he couldn’t make.
“I don’t know what will happen once I go to Tevinter to assume my position and stay,” Dorian said. “I know I love you now and I know that I won’t stop loving you because we are apart. But I don’t know what will happen after that or how long it will be until we can meet again. And even if we do, I can’t assure you that the Dorian you left will be the Dorian you meet again.”
“You won’t be. But I won’t be the Assan you leave, either,” Assan drew himself closer, making their shoulders bump. “We don’t need to know how we’ll be or how we’ll feel in the future. We can take it one step at a time.”
“Can I suggest the next step, then?”
“Sure.”
“We could kiss.”
“I think I would like that.”
Only the slightest hint of sun licked the walls of Skyhold when the Iron Bull and his Chargers crossed the gates. Bull looked around, trying to find Assan. He could only see his advisors coming to meet him, but their leader was absent.
Before Cullen could even open his mouth, he turned his head to talk to Josephine.
“Where is the Inquisitor?”
“I’m afraid they’ve retired for the night earlier today,” Josephine’s cheeks tinged with the slightest of pinks, but held his eyes. “We didn’t know you’d return so soon.”
Bull frowned at that. “They?” he wanted to ask. Of course, there was a more direct way of finding out what was going on. It was too early to be in bed. Bull’s first thought was that what Josephine was hiding was that Assan hadn’t gotten out of his room at all during the day.
“We have to discuss…” Cullen tried to stop him as he started charging toward the stairs.
“Krem will fill you in on every detail you need to know,” Bull grunted, not slowing down for a second. The mission was a complete success and his Kadan could be hurting right at that moment. Bull’s choice was made for him even before he realized there was one to make.
The big hall, the courtiers, the stairs… all passed as a blur to him until he let the door crash behind him and climbed the last set of stairs to Assan’s bedchamber. The sight that greeted him made Bull sighed with a smile.
Assan’s auburn hair fell in disarray down his back and his nightshirt had moved to reveal his left shoulder. His head rested on Dorian’s chest, who was also dressed in just a nightshirt. He was hugging Assan as though he would disappear the second they stopped touching.
“About damn time, boss,” Bull whispered. He would get every detail out of them later. At that moment, Bull did the only thing he had wished to do while he was away. He took out his clothes and lied down next to Assan.