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Jester is a cleric, so she’s obviously good at reading pain. It’s part of what she does. But the pain that radiates from Caleb in waves is almost too much for her. It’s always there, of course, but it’s so magnified right now. He just seems so overwhelmed and terrified and lost. And so, so very sad. He looks like a wild animal someone has backed into a corner. So Jester does what she always does. She cracks a joke to lighten the mood.
“Are you secretly in love with me?” she asks, leaning in with a knowing smile. It’s not the first time she’s played that card—it’s not even the first time today that she’s played that card. She’s waiting for his look of surprise, that wide eyed, mouth-slightly-open face he makes when he doesn’t know how to respond to what she said. Or maybe his okay, let’s be serious face. Even—best case scenario—that smile that only she can get him to do, the one he wears when she hints that his books might not be dick-free. She’s expecting some sort of relief from the darkness that’s about to crush her friend.
She doesn’t expect the sudden, strange expression that crosses his face. He looks directly at her, then into her. It’s only for a fraction of a moment, but his eyes meet hers and Jester feels an electric shock run through her, just like that night with the lightning ball thing. It’s like he’s cast some spell but she knows it’s not magic. It’s just Caleb’s bright blue eyes, staring back into hers. Did she know his eyes were blue? She feels like she did—she’s always thought his eyes were so pretty, like two jewels shining in a junk heap (he really would look very handsome if he’d stop rubbing dirt into his face all the time). But she doesn’t remember them being like this. The moment they meet her own, she feels herself being sucked in, pulled into pools of blue, drowning. Like he’s pulling her in with him. And then his eyes close and he looks down. It’s like a lamp is put out, leaving her in sudden darkness. It’s disorienting. Jester takes a breath like she’s just come up out of the water. Had she not been breathing before? How long had that moment been?
What was that? She writes in her sketchpad later. The page above is filled with attempts to capture that moment, to capture those eyes, blue as the sky and as deep as a frozen lake. She draws them in different styles, from different angles. She can’t decide what it was she saw there—there’s that sadness that constantly hangs around Caleb like the coat he wears. But there was something else, too. Fear and hope and desperation and loneliness, all tangled together, but so deep. She draws his eyes over and over, trying to get the expression right and never quite catching it.
Oh Jester…I’m glad you see good in me. This, she writes carefully, twining the words in a golden script through the sea of mournful blue eyes. When he’d said it in response to her little dance, he’d smiled then, even through the pain. It was small, but it was warm and true, like a little bit of sun peeking through stormclouds. She’d smiled back, though her heart still ached for him. There were a thousand things she wanted to say, to assure him that of course she saw good in him, but she didn’t. For some reason, she couldn’t speak. She’d just smiled back.
Sighing, Jester turns the page and begins writing to the Traveler.
I know I should be thinking about Nott and her husband. I am—I really, really am. I want to make sure she’s okay and he’s safe. They deserve to be together and to be happy. I guess that’s my prayer—please watch over Yeza for us. It’s going to take a really big trick to get him home.
But, Traveler, what if Caleb really is in love with me? I can’t stop thinking about that, either. I’m sorry if that makes me a bad person. But it’s stuck in my head and I can’t stop. I just keep thinking about that moment, over and over. I was only joking when I said it, but now that I’ve said it, what if it’s true? What if it’s not a joke? The way he looked at me…did you see? Traveler, what do I do?
There’s a whisper of laughter in her ear.
What do you wish to do? Your heart is yours to give. What about your green boy? Are you finished with him, or do you want both, now?
Jester leans her head back against the wall.
I don’t know. She writes, not wanting to speak out loud and disturb her sleeping roommates. I never thought about it before. Fjord is…complicated right now.
Images of Avantika’s possessive, predatory smile float through her mind. That woman still makes her burn with anger. And Fjord has just been so…different since their adventures at sea. He’s a different person than she thought he was. Everything about him is complicated.
But…Caleb? I guess…he’s always nice to me. He talks to me, sometimes. He doesn’t get mad if I draw in his books. He always tries to make me smile. He danced with me once…it was nice. Sometimes he calls me Blueberry, which is pretty cute, I guess. But I don’t know…if it’s love? It’s not the same thing with Fjord, and it’s nothing like the books.
Caleb is complicated in his own way. He’s always been kind to her. He’s a good friend, but he’s so sad all the time, and so rough. All walls and edges. It’s hard to imagine him being in love with anyone. Except…except for that time when they danced. He danced beautifully, just like a princely character from her books. Even though he was really drunk and he wasn’t really seeing her, he was a perfect gentleman. That night, she could see him being romantic. But with her? She tries to picture what it would be like to kiss him.
Closing her eyes, Jester feels the Traveler’s smile.
It never is, my Jester. Love is…a little bit of chaos. Remember, it’s your choice. Always your choice. Have fun, whatever you choose.
Jester closes her sketchbook and slides under the covers. She closes her eyes but only sees Caleb’s blue eyes looking at her.
It’s two days later when she finally catches him alone. Two days of trying not to flinch whenever he looks at her, of biting her tongue whenever he speaks to her. Two days is two days too long. They’ve decided to stop for a rest. Caduceus makes them a partial cover into the stone wall of the tunnel, but moves some distance away to cook food while Caleb makes the bubble. Through trial and error, they’ve found that it’s not good when smoke from the fire gets stuck in there. It makes for a very stinky night.
The others decide to split up and do a little bit of scouting—one group a little bit ahead, one group checking behind to make sure they’re not being followed by anyone or anything. Fjord seems a little paranoid.
“I’ll stay here with Caleb and Caduceus,” Jester says nonchalantly. “Just shout if anyone needs healing!”
All three groups—Team Base, Team Forward, and Team Backward repeat various forms of Be Careful to each other, then set about their tasks. Jester waits until she sees the shimmer of the bubble obscure Caleb before ducking inside.
Was he always pretty? Jester can’t remember. He’s absolutely beautiful here, sitting under the dim glow of his bubble, the warm light playing with the red highlights in his auburn hair and bringing out the delicate bones of his face. He looks up at her curiously. The blue eyes that have been haunting her dreams and appearing in her sketchbook search her face now. She’s distracted for a moment, her artist’s eye trying to see what she’s getting wrong in the shape of his eyes, why they’re not quite right. His stupid, sad blue eyes that won’t leave her alone.
“Jester? Is everything all right?” Caleb asks, his quiet voice shaking her from her thoughts.
“Yeah, everything’s great, Caleb!” Jester replies out of habit. That’s not necessarily true, she scolds herself.
“Is there something you need?” Caleb says, tilting his head at her.
Jester takes a deep breath. She’s never been nervous to ask Caleb anything before. Not since they had their misunderstanding the first time they’d gone to Zadash and he’d stormed away from her, smearing mud across his face. That seems like so long ago now. Since then, they’ve talked about all sorts of things. They even talked about Fjord once. He’s her friend. But now, Jester can’t seem to find the words. She kneels down in front of him, smoothing her skirt out around her. She takes her time, as if arranging her skirts is the most important task at the moment.
“Caleb…I was just wondering…” she starts hesitantly, playing with the hem of her draping sleeves. They’re starting to fray. She’ll look as ragged as Caleb himself before too long.
Caleb waits patiently, not speaking. He just watches her with his stupid blue eyes. Jester takes a deep breath, rolls her shoulders back, and plunges in, words tumbling out of her mouth in a jumble.
“The other day, I asked if you were secretly in love with me and you looked at me really weird. Like really weird. And I thought maybe it was because everyone else was around. So now that it’s just you and me, I want to know for real. Are you in love with me?” she asks.
Caleb’s breathing catches. She hears the hiss, as if she’s burned him. His jaw clenches and this time instead of looking at her, he looks through her. His face is set as if he’s been hurt in some way but is trying to hide it, like when he takes a hit in battle and doesn’t want to worry anyone. Both of his fists are clenched on his knees. Jester reaches out for him, alarmed, but Caleb jerks away from her before she can touch him. For a moment, they just look at each other.
“I---” Jester stammers. “I didn’t mean…”
“I am sorry,” Caleb whispers, running his hands through his hair. “I was not expecting…”
“No, I’m sorry. I wasn’t…mad or anything. It’s totally okay. You can’t help who you fall in love with. I just…I was just curious,” Jester says, looking down at her hands, clasped together in her lap now. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never asked him. It’s not like he made a happy face at her before…he’d looked so sad. She should have realized he didn’t want to talk about it.
If she looks up, she would find Caleb watching her carefully, a war raging behind his eyes. He takes a moment to compose himself, forcing his hands to relax out of the fists they’re in. He forces himself to breathe. Jester is surprised when he speaks, his voice soft and measured.
“Jester, you are…one of the most amazing people I have ever met. From the moment I met you, I have been charmed by your joy and your creativity, amazed by your confidence, and delighted by your smile. You make the world a less awful place wherever you go, even for someone like me—which I never expected and am forever grateful for,” Caleb says. “My life is better with you in it. All of ours are.”
Jester looks up at him, eyes shining. Caleb is looking down at the ground, a pink flush tinting his cheeks and ears.
“You are in love with me,” she breathes.
Caleb looks up and gives her his small, sad smile. He inclines his head, somewhere between a bow and a nod.
“Ja, I might have been, once. A very long time ago,” he admits, speaking carefully. “But I’m afraid…I can’t.”
Jester’s smile fades a little.
“Why not? Is it because of that girl from your past? Astrid?” She asks, heart sinking. Will there always be someone else?
Caleb shakes his head, though Jester sees the flash of pain flicker across his face at the mention of Astrid. Not for the first time, Jester longs to ask what the story is between him and her.
“Nein…this is because of…of me,” he says slowly, eyes going out of focus again, but this time as if he’s trying to think of something, a slight frown creasing his brow.
“If it’s just you, then why can’t you...change it?” Jester asks.
Caleb laughs, dropping his face into his hands. His laugh is humorless, almost desperate. He looks back up at her after a moment.
“Ah, Jester. I told you that I was glad you see good in me. I want you to see that—maybe it’s selfish of me, but you…you can almost make me believe it, sometimes,” he says. “But there are many things you do not know about me. I am not as good as you think I am. And there’s nothing—there’s not enough of me left to give to someone else anymore. Especially someone who deserves the whole world and more. I wish I had something to give you but I do not. I have nothing for you. I have nothing to give to anyone.”
He’s so earnest and so dejected. She’s never heard anyone sound as hopeless as him. But even as her heart breaks for him, Jester can’t help but feel warm. No one has ever said things like that to her.
“Caleb I…I’m sure whatever you have would be enough,” she says, looking up at him. He makes a face as if he’s about to protest and she rushes on.
“I wouldn’t ask for the whole world, obviously,” she says, rolling her eyes. “If we were to…you know. Be together. I would only want you…whatever there is of you.”
“Jester…” Caleb starts.
“Maybe I could even help you find the rest of you,” Jester says hopefully. “I’ve got healing and mending magic, you know.”
“Nein, I am afraid not,” Caleb replies, shaking his head. “I was lost a long time ago and I don’t think anything will ever fix that. I know it’s hard to hear, but I cannot give you what you are looking for.”
Jester looks down at her hands again, tears pricking her eyes. Stupid, she chides herself. It’s not like you were in love with him. You just wanted to know if he was in love with you. This shouldn’t bother you.
“Oh. I see,” she mumbles.
Caleb whispers a Zemnian curse under his breath. Warm, rough fingers tilt her chin up. His stupid blue eyes are full of concern and regret, mouth pulled into a frown.
“I did not mean to hurt you,” he says softly. “I am sorry.”
“I’m fine, really,” Jester lies, wiping at her eyes. “It’s just…not fair.”
It’s not fair that he feels like he can’t love or be loved anymore. It’s not fair that he’s so sad and broken. It’s not fair that people like that Ikithon guy obviously did bad stuff to him and made him like this. It’s not fair that he hurts in ways that she can’t touch with her magic…that there’s nothing she can do about any of this.
“I know,” Caleb says, voice dropping back to a whisper, his eyes lowering.
Jester knows this face. He’s taking responsibility for all of this. He’s adding it to all of the burdens he carries like she adds loot to her haversack. This is going to be one more sad thing floating in the blue pools of his eyes. She thinks for a moment, then scoots forward so she can wrap her arms around him. Caleb lets out a small noise of protest, but she squeezes him tighter, nuzzling against the warmth of his chest.
“Even if you can’t love me, I’m going to love you, okay, Caleb?” she says, not letting him go.
“Jester…” Caleb says, his voice full of warning and doubt.
“I’ll love you as a very good friend,” Jester interrupts, leaning back to smile at him, putting one hand on his face. For a moment, Caleb hesitates, then allows relief to soften his features. He gives her one of his rare, true smiles, leaning into her hand just a little.
“Good,” he says. “I treasure your friendship very much.”
Jester’s smile widens. He should recognize her trickster’s grin, but he doesn’t. Caleb is caught off-guard when she leans in and plants a gentle kiss on his lips. It’s different from kissing Fjord. Fjord doesn’t have a beard. But Caleb’s lips are surprisingly soft, for all his roughness. He doesn’t move, per say…not in a way that can be considered him kissing her back. He moves with her, like he’s allowing her to kiss him. He tastes like smoke and earth, but in an oddly good way. Jester stands, taking a step backward as Caleb’s face blushes to a deep red, one hand going to his lips, his eyes wide with shock.
“And if you ever decide you do have something to give…we can talk again, okay?” Jester says. “I won’t bring it up again until you do. I promise.”
“I love you, Caleb,” she says, taking one last look at his blue eyes before ducking out of the bubble. She doesn’t wait to see if he says it back. That question doesn’t matter as much. His eyes won’t ever look the same to her, but they won’t haunt her anymore.
As Jester wanders across the cavern to see if Caduceus needs help with dinner, she decides she likes blue eyes. Especially eyes as light as the sky and as deep as a frozen lake. Maybe someday, she’ll figure out how to break through the ice and warm Caleb up. After all, she is a cleric.