Work Text:
He’s standing there. On the very border between Quill and Artimé. He’s still. And I’m here. Watching him. Waiting to see if he comes closer or not. He turns and starts to walk away.
I promised myself I wouldn’t crawl to him. Wouldn’t beg for his approval. But I rush over to him anyways and tug at his arm. He yanks it away. I grab him by the back of his shirt. He turns around and hits me.
I fall backwards. He keeps walking into Quill. I touch my face and feel something warm and wet. I turn my head to the side. The blood from my broken nose pours into the grass. I breathe through my mouth.
A shadow lingers over me. I’m too tired to see who it is. I feel it kneel beside me. It starts stoking the side of my face that isn’t covered in blood. I smile and close my eyes. Through my mouth I breathe in the scent of fresh grass and blood. I want to laugh but it hurts.
A hand brushes stray hairs away from my face. It moves to my neck and its fingers caress my skin. A hear a voice, deep and low, say something close to my name. I already feel myself fading away.
Alex sat up in his bed, breathing heavily. He rubbed his eyes and looked around his room. He began to relax when he realized that it was just another strange dream. But this dream was unlike any of the other dreams he has had. The part about chasing Aaron was the same, but the shadow? He had never seen, or felt, that shadow in his dreams before.
Today was a free day for Alex. Ever since the war, classes have become more leisurely and less common. The Unwanted were certain that Quill wasn’t going to start another war with them anytime soon. Remembering Samheed’s message from last night, Alex started to get ready so he could head out to the library.
After getting dressed and ignoring Clive, he got into his tube and transported himself to the kitchen for breakfast. He poured himself some cereal and milk and sat at a lonely corner of the bar. As he absentmindedly ate his food, a finger tapped on his shoulder. A head full of flowing black hair and two piercing blue eyes were next to him.
“Morning, Alex!” Lani exclaimed, cheerfully. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you out and about.”
“Hey, Lani.” Alex said. “Just been doing some thinking lately. So what’s up?”
Lani plopped down on the stool next to him. “Well, Meg and I have been busy helping the new group of Unwanteds. And I’ve been brushing up on some of my art skills.” She turned to him, a slight frown on her face. “And I’ve been noticing that you’ve been missing your classes.”
“Um, they aren’t required anymore for most students. Mr. Today told me I could take a break until I’m ready to start again.” Alex shoved another spoonful of cereal into his mouth.
“And when will that be?” Lani raised an eyebrow at him.
“Don’t know. Maybe in a few weeks or so.” Alex got up from his seat and took his bowl over to the sink. Lani followed him.
“Well, don’t take too long of a break. I’ve missed you.” Alex then turned to face her, who was blushing and smiling at him. He could feel the warmth rush to his cheeks, too.
Alex awkwardly cleared his throat. “Uh, I better get going. Samheed asked me to meet him in the library.”
“Samheed? I thought you two didn’t get along?”
“Well, things change.” Alex walked away. He entered a tube and transported himself to the library, leaving Lani with his cryptic message.
The library was almost vacant. After the war, many kids didn’t have a need to be here. There were a few kids that read books in their free time or just wanted a quiet place to hang with friends. Alex walked up the two sets of stairs to the third floor of the library, the one many students didn’t even know about. A single table was illuminated, filling the dark room with a soft blue hue. Samheed was sitting there, his head resting on the table. He sat up when he noticed Alex enter.
“Hey, Sam.” Alex wandered over to the table and sat across from his friend. Samheed muttered an almost inaudible “Hey” and smiled. He looked sad and tired, as if he didn’t sleep last night.
“You okay?” Alex asked. He wore a small amused smile on his face, but, internally, he was concerned for the other boy.
“Y-yeah. I just didn’t get enough sleep.” Samheed stifled a yawn. Alex was then sure that his friend was unwell. Samheed seemed so different from his usual self in that moment. He seemed jittery and anxious, unable to hold eye contact or keep his hands still. He wondered how much last night must have impacted him.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Alex then added. “Last night, I mean.”
Samheed hesitated. “I guess there’s no way around that, huh?” He fidgeted with his thumbs for a moment, searching for his words. “So, I was doing a lot of thinking last night, when we got back to the mansion. And I’m been trying to figure everything out.”
“I think back in Quill, I was so restrained by my dad that I just repressed every emotion or feeling I had. I wanted to get into the Quillitary so much that I forced myself to feel nothing and to have no one. By the time I got to Artimé, I didn’t even know who I was. All those years of repressing my feelings made me cold and lonely. I acted mean because I was still trying to impress my dad, which didn’t even matter because he thought I was dead. I just thought to myself that if I atleast tried to be the good son that my dad wanted me to be, I could make him proud in my mind.”
“After some time in Artimé, and by the time the four of us became friends, I was pretty confident in myself. For the most part I had forgotten about my dad and stopped trying to please him. I was more open with my self, emotionally. And because of that...there was a brief moment where I had a slight crush on you. I’m not even sure if you would consider it a crush. I was just so attracted to you, not because of looks, but because you were interesting and different. I was drawn to you.”
At this point, Samheed’s face was mostly covered by his hands. There was a deep shade of red across his cheekbones. Alex, however, was sitting up, attentively hanging on to every word.
“Why didn’t you make a move?” Alex questioned. “You’re not the type to be hesitant. When you want something, you usually go for it. When not then?”
“Cause this was different, Alex! Besides, you liked Lani.”
“Lani?” Alex said, startled. He remembered the time during training when he had gone invisible and kissed Lani on the cheek. Then when he was making paper dragons and Lani had glanced at him, giving him a certain look. Then this morning when Lani had told him that she had missed him. Alex definitely did find Lani pretty, smart, kind, and funny. She was almost perfect. But when thinking of Samheed, it was difficult to say that he only liked Lani.
“I-I guess I like Lani. But...I like you, too.”
“Psh, yeah right. You don’t like me like that. It was one kiss.” Samheed dismissed.
“What? How are you supposed to know how I feel? How are you so sure that I don’t like you.” Alex tested.
“Because you’re not like me! You like Lani. You’re not supposed to like me. It’s that simple.”
“Not like you? You mean gay? How do you know I’m not-“
“D-don’t day that, Stowe! I’m not. You’re not. We’re not talking about that right now!” Sam fumed.
“Then what do you mean by ‘you’re not like me?’”
“You don’t understand what I went through in Quill. You didn’t go through the years of hiding away your feelings. You’re not like me because you didn’t live through what I did!”
“Alright, Samheed. Let me ask you this. If it wasn’t me you kissed, if it was someone like Lani or Meghan, then would you be having this conversation with them? Would you have lost sleep over it like you did with me?” Alex’s voice was on eerily calm. It made the entire room feel still and cold. Time seemed to have stopped.
Samheed simply stared at him. His hands were shaking. His dark eyes were expressionless. He held up one hand to his face and started crying. His eyes moved away from Alex and into the glowing light of the table. Both hands were up to his face as he broke into violent sobs. Alex rushed over to him, kneeling on the carpeted floor next to Sam.
“Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things. I knew it was too much. I shouldn’t- I was selfish. I pushed you too hard. I’m sorry. I’m s-so sorry.” Alex was crying too now. Samheed continued to sob as Alex stroked his back, attempting to calm him.
“You’re right.” Sam sniffed. “I-I wouldn’t have had this talk with them. I’m so stupid. I just keep hiding myself away. I keep telling myself that I’m doing the right thing by repressing my emotions, but I’m just hurting myself. I don’t- I don’t know-“
“Sam, please. Don’t speak. Just breathe. You’re not stupid. You don’t deserve to be hurting right now. It’s hard trying to figure all this out, but I’ll help you. I’ll help you through anything. Promise.”
Samheed didn’t speak. He took in quivering breaths, trying to follow Alex’s easy breathing. He sniffed a few times, then turned to look at him. He reached out for his hand and Alex took it gracefully in his own. Alex stood up and Samheed followed. Alex was about to suggest leaving the library, but Samheed has stepped closer to him.
“Can I?” Sam whispered, glancing down at Alex’s lips. Alex nodded and conjoined his lips to Sam’s. There was no rush to it. They took their precious time taking in the warmth of their movements. Alex pulled Sam closer by gripping the hood of his jacket. The kiss then died down and the boys separated from each other.
They left the library through the tubes. They were transported to the lounge where there were more people than before. Backing away from the crowd, Sam and Alex exchanged their goodbyes and parted ways. Sam walked back into the tube and transported himself to his room. Alex wandered further into the lounge where he found Lani and Meghan sipping milkshakes on a couch. Alex plopped down on the seat across from them. Alex didn’t reply when Lani asked him how the trip to the library was.
I already feel myself fading away.