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- Crowley – The First Time
He remembers the first time Aziraphale asked.
Up until that point, The Arrangement was a mostly-unspoken agreement to stay outside of the other’s business. But Aziraphale was clearly quite busy, what with all the wars, and, yes, I know Joan has been blessed by God to carry out this mission, but she’s still so young and could use all the help she could get, Crowley, would you mind watching over her for a few days while I go check on what’s going on in the Byzantine Empire?
Crowley knew he wasn’t supposed to,* but he liked Joan. Hoped things would go well for her. If she needed help temporarily, he didn’t mind, just don’t let it get around, demons helping angels.
He agreed.
*Due to the aforementioned ‘blessed by God’ thing.
- Aziraphale – The First Time
Aziraphale remembers the first time Crowley asked for his assistance on a project of his.
Of course, he didn’t exactly approve of demonic activity as a rule, but Crowley was perfectly willing to help him out in a pinch, so he didn’t mind returning the favor. As long as neither of them made a habit of it.
And what Crowley had asked him to do was so simple. Oh, I’ve just got to pop over to China for a bit, would you mind trying to get that king to divorce his wife? I’ve been trying for ages, but I don’t think I’m powerful enough. And, it’s mostly harmless. Well, to everyone but the royals. Imagine the scandal!
How were either of them to know that he would start a new religion?
Whoops.
- Crowley – No One Has to Know
Look, she was clearly having some problems with all of those bags.
What was he supposed to do, watch her fall and break her hip? He was all for the pain and suffering that would entail, both for the woman and for the bystanders, but he just wanted to go home, okay? And who knows how long he would have to stand around, waiting for the mess to be cleared up. Maybe he’d be called in as a witness if she really gets hurt. He doesn’t want that.
He bites the bullet and offers her his assistance.*
“Oh, aren’t you a sweet boy!” she said as he helped the poor old woman across the street, a smile painted on his lips.
He’d just have to remember to give Aziraphale credit for this and try to be extra nasty tomorrow.**
*For his own benefit, of course.
**He made sure when he tied up all the phone lines in London, it was especially hard to get a phone call through, even for people who really needed to talk to someone right away.***
***Of course, if it was a medical emergency or something of the like, they had no real problem. He wasn’t a monster.
- Aziraphale – No One Has to Know
He wasn’t supposed to be parked there.
Not only that, but he managed to take up not one, not two, but three handicapped spaces. People needed those, and this….not very kind man decided his moving status symbol of a car was more important. And at least Crowley made sure no one was hurt, directly or indirectly, when he decided to illegally park the Bentley.
Aziraphale grit his teeth a bit. He knew that he shouldn’t. He should turn the other cheek. Not get involved.*
But, as someone who had lived on earth for six thousand years, he could recognize when someone deserved what was coming to them.
He looked around, making sure no one was watching him too closely, and walked confidently towards the cherry-red Ferrari. Miracling a key from thin air and deciding what he would be scratching into the nice paint job,** he made a mental note to make sure Crowley got credit for this one.
*Or if he did get involved, not in such a juvenile way.
** “Matthew 22:36-40” on each of the perfectly painted doors, plus the hood.
- Crowley – A Bigger Favor
Aziraphale had been on a volunteer kick lately.
Crowley didn’t get it. Why did he, of all people, feel the need to waste his time doing good at a soup kitchen, when he could just use his supernatural abilities?*
But, the fact remained, every Wednesday from three to seven, Aziraphale could be found handing out food to London’s most downtrodden.
Unfortunately, he had to be across the channel today to purchase a book in person. Non-negotiable time. And he had been hinting for weeks that, oh, he didn’t want them to be short-staffed, they were counting on him to be there.
As Crowley ladled out soup, he shuddered. He could actually feel the goodness radiating off of this place in waves.
*When Crowley pointed this out, Aziraphale said it was a good way to directly help the community, and it was nice to help as he would if he were fully human. Crowley still didn’t get it.
- Aziraphale – A Bigger Favor
Aziraphale was a bit nervous. He knew that Crowley wasn’t all that bad, for a demon, but he always thought ignorance was bliss when it came to actually asking him what it was he did. And Crowley was nice enough to only ask him to do low-level demonic activity when they did each other’s jobs.*
But he saw that Crowley was rather peeved about the volunteer work. He hoped he wouldn’t have to do something too morally bankrupt to pay him back.
Crowley, it seemed, was biding his time. But, finally, it happened.
“Alright, Angel, I want a day off. I need you to do something for me.”
Aziraphale could see the glint in his eye. Suddenly he was quite nervous.
“Now, remember that nice thing I did for you? Volunteered at a soup kitchen? That was the opposite of demonic activity, let me tell you.”
Aziraphale started getting ideas. He hoped Crowley didn’t want him to kill an innocent or something.
“I think you’d probably do just about anything to get yourself out of that one.”
Torture. He’d probably have to torture someone. Perhaps also permanently maim.
“Well, here it is.”
Aziraphale tensed.
“I need you to –“
He braced himself for impact.
“Make sure the morning and afternoon gridlocks go off without a hitch.”
Aziraphale relaxed instantly. Then he stared. He couldn’t help but blurt out “That’s it?”
“What do you mean, that’s it? Do you know how annoyed people get! They have to wait, sometimes for hours, just to get home or to work, and then they have to do it all again the next day! No end in sight! It’s brilliant.”
Aziraphale was slightly shocked that this is what his friend did regularly, but he held is tongue. “Quite.”
“So,” Crowley said, suddenly a bit nervous. “You’ll do it? You don’t mind? I mean, I know I said you should be willing to do anything but I –“
Aziraphale stopped him. “Don’t worry, it’s no problem at all. When do you need it done? Tomorrow?”
Well, Aziraphale thought, I guess I shouldn’t have been too concerned after all.
*And even then, only when it was absolutely vital.
+1. A spark of goodness in you.
“Crowley?” Aziraphale asked. “What’s….’open source’ software?”
“Uh.”
“You see, I’ve just gotten a letter congratulating me on all of the good my invention has done. But that can’t be right. You know I’m no good at that sort of thing.”
“Well.” Began Crowley. “It was just a little side project I’d been working on. You see, I thought it would be nice to take a bit of money out of people’s pockets for all of the hard work they do. And the quality of some of those programs, Angel. You should see them. They’re terrible.”
Crowley shook his head.
“But then they start going on about ‘collaboration’ and ‘saving people money.’ Big mistake, that one. So I just submitted it under your name, and. Well. There you go. Made the right call I see.”
Aziraphale, who knew what Crowley thought of those sort of things,* let the subject drop. He didn’t want to embarrass the demon, but if his smiles were a bit more knowing for a few days. Well. No one needed to know.
*Namely, that Crowley was vocally for ‘collaboration’ and ‘saving people money,’ mostly in the form of radical communism.
+1. Just enough of a bastard to be worth liking.
Crowley stormed into the bookshop one chilly afternoon, waving around an envelope with an interesting seal on it. “Aziraphale?”
Aziraphale looked up from his book. While it wasn’t out of the ordinary for Crowley to come by unannounced nowadays, often it wasn’t with this much purpose. “Yes, dear?”
“I’ve got a commendation.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! Now, this isn’t encouragement, but this so rarely happens. Would you like to go out and celebrate? We could –“
Crowley stopped him. “The thing is. I think there might have been a mix-up. You see, I didn’t do what I am being commended for.”
Aziraphale froze.
“And, of course, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I mean, they thought I started the Spanish Inquisition. Me! But ever since Down There grasped the concept of paperwork. Well. Every time we stub our toe, we have to submit a health form. In triplicate. It’s bloody annoying, which is probably the point. But it has this great side benefit where we don’t get credit for things we haven’t done.”
Aziraphale started to blush. “Well, maybe something was mislabeled.”
Crowley scoffed. “No, ever since the failed apocalypse, Hell doesn’t want to encourage me if they can avoid it. They had to have traced it back to me somehow, or at least couldn’t prove it was any other demon behind it. Despite having. Well. Supernatural intervention written all over it.”
He looked directly at Aziraphale now. A smirk was creeping onto his face. Aziraphale knew what was coming.
“You know, I wondered why you liked those things. They seemed to be against everything you stand for.”
“Crowley –“
“How many times had you gone on about how important the printed word was? I mean, Go- Sa-, somebody, you own a used book shop. I mean, I’ll go on about how they’re ugly and clunky and pointlessly expensive, and then they have ads on them, and you always respond, oh, dear, people have different preferences when it comes to books.”
“Crowley –“
“Now apparently I’ve invented the things.”
The fight left Aziraphale. “Not the entire concept of them. You mainly helped with the development of the Kindle.”
“Aziraphale.” Crowley started, as if to a small child. “That’s the worst one.”
“Well, think about all of the good it’s caused! The environmental impact alone would be a benefit, and now more people are reading because some people just prefer that look and feel. I only submitted it under your name in the first place because I was concerned it would be twisted.”*
“And you were right to be. Everyone has an opinion on these things, and often they can be quite…assertive about them. You’ve gotten more people angry on a global scale with this one act than sometimes I’m able to orchestrate in a year.”
Aziraphale crossed his arms and stared down at the floor. “I still think the benefits outweigh the problems.”
“Hell disagrees.” Crowley responded. “It’s alright. We both know we’ve rubbed off on each other. This is just more proof.”
*”That Bezos character.” Aziraphale said later. “He’ll ruin anything.”