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Julian and Kai are not dating, that’s for certain. They'd know if they were.
Julian knows that, they’re friends, best friends even. On the pitch, they’re almost always on the same wavelength, they’re always seeking the other out if they score, they make stupid, almost impossible bets before games—
"I'll score five today, just watch . If Lewandowski can do it, so can I. ”
"I’ll score an overhead kick, ninetieth minute, winning goal. ”
(Both of which are yet to happen).
Julian knows it’s not weird, they’re just best friends, so he ignores the hushed whispers and sniggering from his teammates, choosing to roll his eyes when someone shouts if he’s going to find his boyfriend from the opposite side of the dressing room.
The teasing means nothing, they’re wrong about it anyway.
The way his teammates act, it’s like Julian always has to be in reaching distance of Kai, like they’re that codependent on each other. But, it doesn’t stop the teasing, Julian doubts anything ever will.
“Kai!” Julian yells “I swear to—” He huffs out between breaths, glancing up as Kai jogs past him, barely batting an eye at Julian who has been planted on the ground from the trip. “You cheating fuck—”
Kai grins, a shit-eating grin that stretches across his face.
“Call it payback for the other day.” He says, shrugging a shoulder nonchalantly before stretching his hand towards his best friend, wiggling his fingers to help Julian back to his feet.
Julian glares at Kai’s outstretched hand, keeping his own pressed to the damp turf but Kai doesn’t retract, so, brushing his hair out of his eyes, Julian grasps hold of his hand— firmly enough to pull Kai down to him.
Kai goes easily, swearing profusely as he lands on top of Julian which causes the older boy to groan as they both fall backwards.
“Did you have to do that?” Kai asks, swallowing back the insult on his tongue with a sharp intake of breath. “I was being nice!” He exclaims, waving his hand around.
“You tripped me up.” Julian grumbles. “So, yeah, I had to.” He says, the corners of his mouth turning up in a smirk as he reaches over to ruffle Kai’s curls, swallowing down at how soft they feel against his fingers, not voicing that thought because that isn’t what they do. “Call it payback.” Julian echoes instead.
Kai snorts and digs his fingers into his best friend’s ribs.
“Havertz! Brandt!” Bosz shouts from across the pitch, his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets. “Get up and get on with it!”
Julian and Kai exchange a look before the blond shoves Kai off him and clambers to his feet, extending his hand. Kai looks up at him, uncertainty colouring his eyes, scrutinising his outstretched hand.
“Take it.” Julian huffs as he pushes his hand closer to Kai. “I’m not going to do it twice.”
Kai hesitates but grabs Julian’s hand anyway, allowing him to pull him to his feet.
Julian’s smile falters, still holding onto Kai’s hand, warm, he’s never noticed it before and it’s an insane thing to realise now, in the middle of a training session as the shouts of their teammates and coaches fade into the background, unable to pull his eyes away from their joined hands.
Luckily for him, Bosz’s voice cuts through the mid-morning fog once more and Julian snatches his hand away, dropping it at his side.
“Catch me.” Kai smirks, either not noticing Julian jumping back like he’s been scorned or just not mentioning it. He rolls his foot on top of the ball and starts jogging away, leaving Julian to chase him.
*
The text comes through in the afternoon and it makes about as much sense as Julian thinking too hard about Kai’s hand in his.
It’s too many capital letters, jumbled together and numbers that don’t belong. It’s clearly been sent in a rush and Julian stares at it trying to make sense of the incoherent mess looking back at him. What the fuck, Kai? He thinks as he starts to tap out a reply, a call from the boy himself interrupting him mid-typing.
“What?” Julian asks in lieu of greeting.
“I cut my hand open!” Kai’s high-pitched shriek comes out, loud enough that Julian has to pull the phone away from his ear, it’s a stark contrast to how deep his voice usually is and Julian realises it must be bad. “You have to— fuck— Jule, help me.” Kai cries down the phone. Almost. His voice is too high to tell “There’s blood— it looks so—” Kai stops speaking, and the call falls dead seconds later.
Julian pulls his phone back in front of him, the initial message still on his screen before he sighs, getting up, grabbing his keys from the table and leaving his flat to drive to Kai’s place. It really would be a nightmare if Kai bleeds out completely and comes back as a ghost who insists on haunting Julian for the rest of his life.
Julian lets himself into Kai’s flat, his best friend's key on the same keyring as his own house keys, he tries not to think too much into it as he walks into the kitchen, stopping and stifling a laugh at Kai standing by the island holding his hand, wrapped in a white towel, midair.
“You’ve really just been standing like this since you called me?” Julian asks, the mirth clear in his voice— so, he’s enjoying this, sue him.
“Just—” Kai grumbles, his cheeks flushing as he lowers his hand. “— Help me.” Kai groans, wincing.
It elicits an eye roll from Julian as he crosses the kitchen, one hand on Kai’s back as he drags him over to the sink, turning the tap on and unwrapping Kai’s hand from the towel, dropping the blood stained cloth onto the side. Julian pushes his best friend’s hand under the cold tap, Kai hisses and Julian side-eyes him.
“Oh, come on.” Julian says. “You didn’t think to rinse your hand after slicing it open?” He asks him, his eyes widening when Kai turns his head away, scowling.
“Shut up.” Kai mumbles, screwing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth. Julian almost feels bad for him.
Julian shuts the tap off and uses the towel on the side to dry Kai’s hand, his own cheeks flushing red when Kai holds onto his fingers.
“What were you doing anyway?” Julian asks him, letting Kai’s hand drop as he discards the towel, pulling Kai by his sleeve towards the bathroom knowing that he keeps a first aid kit in the cupboard there, pointedly ignoring that he knows Kai’s flat like he knows his own, it’s not the time.
He wonders when it will be.
Kai leans against the edge of the sink in the bathroom, gaze fixed on the tiles on the floor as Julian pulls the first aid kit from the cupboard.
“I was making dinner while watching TV and my hand— slipped.” He admits, begrudgingly because he knows the second he says it that Julian is smiling. “It’s not funny, you fucker.” Kai mutters, kicking out halfheartedly at the back of Julian’s calf.
“It is.” Julian counters, a piece of gauze and a bandage between his teeth as he comes to stand in front of him.
Kai falls silent. His eyes flutter between open and closed as Julian carefully presses the gauze pad to his hand, brushing his fingers against Kai’s palm, who whimpers at the sensation. Julian tears open the bandage and starts wrapping it around his hand, holding firmly when Kai tries retracting his hand.
Julian stops, catching Kai’s eyes and the look he hasn’t seen before, at least not aimed at him. Kai stills and Julian finishes bandaging his hand, squeezing Kai’s fingers when he’s done and for a moment neither of them say anything, or mention the tense silence in the bathroom.
“No more knives.” Julian says, a flat attempt at a joke, but even he can’t hide the way his voice rises as he tries to stave off the panic that’s weaving into his voice. “Promise?”
“Promise.” Kai says and his voice is almost as wobbly as Julian’s. “You want to go out for dinner?” He asks, pulling his hand from Julian’s and dropping to his side.
“Yeah. Sounds good.” Julian agrees, already missing the warmth of Kai’s hand in his.
*
Kai is clingy, which isn’t much of a secret, he’s always draping himself over his teammates— dramatically or otherwise but especially with Julian.
It’s always an arm around Julian’s shoulders, or leaning against him. It’s their shoulders knocking together as they walk, it’s pushing their chairs closer until there’s practically no space between them. Kai seeks him out, especially after the whole slicing his hand open incident, a lot more, Julian feigns annoyance but secretly loves it, maybe even more than him.
(He tries not to think too much into it).
Kai barrels into him at the end of their first national team training session together. The midday sky, grey and cloudy above their heads, slinging an arm around Julian’s shoulder, Kai pulls him close enough to rest his head between the groove of his neck and shoulder.
Julian tenses, feeling Kai’s breath against his neck before relaxing, it’s them, it’s just what they do.
Kai twists his fingers into Julian’s training jersey and is in the middle of catching his breath when he says.
“This is so fucking cool, man.”
Julian hums distractedly, Kai is so close to him. So close that he can feel Kai’s fingers trailing along his shoulder, he can feel his best friend’s racing heartbeat thrumming against his back. Julian swallows and nods, albeit a little delayed.
There’s a lazy smile on Kai’s face when Julian looks over at him, they’re the stragglers still making their way off the pitch and Julian softens at the excitement that glistens in the green of his eyes.
“Yeah.” Julian breathes out. “It’s so cool.” He repeats, his own heart hammering against his chest— oh, fuck.
They quicken their pace to catch up to the rest of their teammates who are milling at the touchline, talking amongst themselves.
Kai keeps his arm firmly around Julian though, pulling him closer as they walk. Julian lets him. Like he always does.
Bernd shoots them a look in passing, Julian pretends not to see it. It’s nothing out of the ordinary and out of everybody, the keeper knows that this is their normal but still, Julian’s stomach churns as he drops his gaze to the turf.
Kai starts talking again, Julian zones out but they remain in step with each other as they make their way to the dressing room. Julian ducks out of Kai’s grip just before they reach the door, walking ahead into the dozens of different conversations happening. Kai frowns but Julian doesn’t see it.
*
Julian shuffles further down into bed, feeling the exhaustion start to wear in, letting the lull of sleep lure him in when he feels Kai climb onto his bed, sprawling himself across Julian’s body— head against his shoulder, face pressed against his neck.
Julian barely reacts, keeping his breathing as steady as possible as he cracks his eyes open slightly, trying to see if he can fool Kai into thinking he’s asleep.
The problem with Kai Havertz though, is that the only way Julian could ever think of getting away from him, is to die. Julian doesn’t respond when Kai calls his name, suppressing the sigh that rises in his throat at how his name feels vibrating against his skin when Kai repeats it.
He barely moves when Kai starts poking his cheek and then all over his face— Julian has a right mind to grab his fingers— either to twine them together or snap them— he’ll decide when it’s time.
Kai sighs once he realises Julian isn’t giving him the attention he wants, settling down against his best friend and closing his eyes. Julian feels it, all of it, Kai’s eyelashes tickling his neck, the feeling of Kai’s lips touching his jaw and he screws his eyes shut to try and keep his breathing even and to stop his heart from leaping out of his chest.
Kai reaches forward and grabs a fistful of Julian’s shirt, twisting it between his fingers and just holds it. He mumbles something, and that’s what causes Julian to give up, opening his eyes and glancing down to the mop of dark curls that are in front of him.
“You’re so fucking annoying.” He grumbles lowly, earning a laugh from Kai that reverberates through his entire body.
Kai shuffles closer to him, swinging a leg between Julian’s and slides an arm across his best friend’s stomach, to others it would look— well— but it’s Kai and Julian and it’s normal.
“Don’t pretend that you’re not enjoying this.” Kai whispers.
Julian doesn’t have to pretend. He is enjoying it, but he doesn’t voice it instead just bringing his hand up to brush through Kai’s hair, earning himself a content noise in response.
Julian freezes. And for a moment he wonders if his best friend can feel how hard his heart is rattling in his chest from where he’s lying.
The silence is comfortable but it always is. Julian’s noticed it, how comfortable everything is with Kai.
“This is what I need, Jule.” Kai says, breaking it, face burrowed into Julian’s shirt. “I know this is… insane and I’m so glad I’m here but… being with you is what I need.”
Julian thinks his heart fucking stops.
He glances down to Kai but his best friend has his eyes closed. They’re best friends but Kai… sometimes Kai will just say something that knocks Julian’s world off its axis, playing it off like it’s the most normal thing for them to say to each other. And it is, but Julian still thinks he forgets how to breathe.
“It’s just overwhelming…” Kai adds, it feels like an afterthought, trailing off.
It’s not often that Kai is lost for words or reluctant to let his voice be not too dissimilar to the constant buzzing in a room but he settles further into Julian and lets the words hang between them.
Julian continues to card his hand through his best friend’s hair, letting Kai take his time, they have time.
“I know it is.” Julian eventually agrees, soothing him. “It is the national team after all.” He says, wincing slightly.
“I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.” Kai hums.
Julian laughs gently, all of his own feelings about his first call-up to the senior team coming flooding back, it feels as though it was yesterday and ten years ago all at once. The nerves that come, the childlike excitement that thrums through his body… every day feels like the first day all over again but he’s slowly getting used to it.
“It’ll get easier.” Julian settles, reassuring him, smiling at the soft noise that Kai makes in return, telling him that he’s said the right thing.
“As long as I’ve got you too, right?”
*
The thing about Kai and Julian is that they have a never-ending list of inside jokes. They have new ones, old ones, some that are downright stupid and the only two people that could ever understand them are Kai and Julian themselves but they’re theirs.
The jokes have even started making their way to Instagram, more specifically, leaving ridiculous comments underneath each other’s posts.
“Do you have each other’s notifications on?” Bernd asks, throwing himself down onto the couch beside Julian, letting his eyes glaze over the blond’s phone, looking at the comments section that Julian is scrolling through. “Subtle…” He trails off, expression impassive as always (well, when ter Stegen isn't around) but he can’t hide the small laugh that escapes as he punches Julian’s shoulder.
“What are you on about?” Julian asks, pulling his eyebrows together as he draws his eyes away from his phone.
“Kai’s post?” Bernd offers up in lieu of a real explanation. “You commented on it within a minute of it going live, you’re not that subtle, man.”
Julian stares at him before shrinking into the corner of the couch, his phone abandoned in his lap, still open on the comments.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tries, levelling his voice. “I only commented because I was already on it. It’s not a big deal—”
“— No need to get defensive.” Bernd laughs heartily, enjoying Julian squirming beside him. Julian should slap him, he thinks.
Julian crosses his arms and scowls at the keeper.
“What’s up with you?” Bernd asks, tilting his head to the side when he notices the distant look in Julian’s eyes and the painting at the front of the room that he’s now staring at.
Julian huffs but it doesn’t stop the blush growing up his neck.
“I’m not falling for it—"
“— Falling for what?” Bernd laughs, unable to stop himself. “You’re acting like I’m asking you to confess your love. Are you in love with him?”
“I’m not in love with Kai Havertz.” Julian says, still looking straight ahead, eyebrows pulled together and ignoring the way Bernd throws his arms in front of him to try and get Julian’s attention. “He’s my best friend.” Julian reiterates, swallowing thickly and hoping it comes across as determined as he hopes it does.
*
Julian curls up at the edge of the bed, the blankets thrown lazily over him, almost asleep if not for the sound of a notification coming from his phone on the bedside table waking him up, stupidly, he jumps upright.
He reaches for his phone blindly, squinting at the brightness of his screen in his dark room— an Instagram notification catching his eye.
kaihavertz29 replied to your comment
Julian knows he could leave it, it’s not like the urge to see what Kai has replied is a matter of life or death— but he’s curious. The comment section loads and Julian almost drops his phone when he sees the single red heart, clear as fucking day, in reply to Julian’s comment from hours before.
kaihavertz29 @julianbrandt ❤️
His phone does slip from his grasp, landing in his covers which have now pooled at his waist. His head is pulsating and his heart thrashing around in his chest, the same way it does after playing a full ninety but this time, like most times recently, it’s because of his best friend, who is in a hotel room three doors down from him.
It’s just a fucking heart, he tries to tell himself, sliding his phone back onto his bedside table, it doesn’t mean anything, he tries to convince himself as he lies back down and pulls the covers over him.
Julian tosses and turns for hours, eventually succumbing to sleep when the first signs of the sun behind the towering buildings outside his window start to appear.
*
Julian doesn’t pick that picture specifically, definitely not, he’s absolutely not trying to prove a point because that night during the international break has been playing on his mind ever since.
It’s just them, celebrating a goal like they usually are, having gravitated towards each other during the celebrations like they usually do, Julian tries not to think about how he’s always looking to find Kai amongst the chaos when he scores, tries not to think about what it all means.
Julian lets the post go live, abandoning his phone on the side as he settles back into the couch to continue watching TV, listening to the familiar sounds of notifications coming from his phone— including the chime of a text message arriving.
His curiosity gets the better of him, reaching for his phone, Julian feels himself smiling at the fire emojis that Kai has commented underneath the post before opening the text from Bernd, letting it fall immediately as he lets his eyes scan over it.
Bernd Leno: That picture. Interesting.
Julian can see the smug smile on the keeper’s face without seeing it and he wants nothing more than to be able to slap it off his face. Except, he can’t, because just as he’s about to text back the words fuck you— another message comes through.
Kai Havertz: i wanted to post that picture you fucker!!!
Julian barely suppresses his laugh.
Kai Havertz: i look better than u
Julian has to force himself to not reply with something along the lines of yeah you do— despite how much he wants to because Kai does look good, so good.
It’s almost pathetic how long Julian stares at the picture of them, his stomach flipping when he zooms in on the smile on Kai’s face and how his arms are wrapped around him. He still remembers what it felt like. Julian’s thumbs hover over his keyboard as he tries to come up with something casual to reply with, maybe something scathing but he takes too long and Kai calls him before he replies.
“Come on, man.” Kai groans in greeting, sticking his middle finger up to the camera. “I don’t want to look like I copied you, dickhead.”
Julian just grins, his cheeks tightening as he laughs at Kai’s indignance. He's being dramatic, Julian likes him anyway.
“Hey—” Kai suddenly says, distracted by something else. “Why did Bernd just send me the smirking emoji?”
“Bastard.” Julian grits out under his breath, meeting Kai’s eyes and noticing the confusion looking back at him. “You’ll have to ask him.”
“I did.” Kai huffs, flipping over on his bed to his stomach, muttering out a string of profanities when his foot gets tangled up in his duvet. “He said he was going to tell me during the next break. Dick.”
Julian barely conceals his eye roll.
“Come up with something better to call us.”
It’s an instant, so quick that if Julian had blinked he would’ve missed it entirely.
“Leave it with me.” He says, making a salute gesture to the camera, the ghost of a smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth as he pulls a pillow to him, sinking his face into it.
Julian almost doesn’t want to know what Kai is plotting. Almost.
*
It’s accidental.
Julian isn’t sure what’s up with him, he feels himself zoning in and out of focus during the morning session, so much so, that he doesn’t realise Kai is— and has been calling his name from where he’s standing.
Julian bites down on his nail, refocusing on the directions being shouted out across the pitch, blinking a little too rapidly as he thinks about Leverkusen’s upcoming game against Schalke.
Kai yells Julian’s name at the top of his voice causing the blond to flinch, losing his balance, his foot slipping off the top of the ball that was underneath it at the sound of it.
“Yeah, babe?”
Kai’s mouth falls open contradicting the twinkling in his eyes, the directions being called out fade out and their teammates’ attention is now on the two of them, all of them sharing various looks of surprise and amusement, mostly amusement. Of course it is.
The corners of Kai’s lips start to twitch upwards as the silence stretches. Julian notices that their teammates are hiding their faces in each other’s shoulders, failing to hide their sniggering at Julian’s untimely slip-up.
“I knew you two were close—” Someone, Jonathan, calls out, dissolving into a fit of laughter as he waves his hand around.
“Babe?” Mitchell sings from the other side of the pitch. “Oh.” He teases “it’s getting serious.”
Julian has never wanted the ground to open and swallow him up more than he does right now and he can’t even bring himself to turn around and meet Kai’s eyes even though he's fully aware that his best friend is staring directly at him.
Julian’s hand is still hovering in front of his face as he winces, glancing over at Kai out of the corner of his eye.
Except, Kai is smirking at him.
“I was trying to get your attention, I thought you were ignoring me, honey.” Kai says, tongue between his teeth as Julian flushes bright red, wanting to disappear all over again.
*
The worst part is, Julian expected a full day of teasing and badly hidden comments as he walked past before it became old news. He’s half right about it, he’s subjected to a full day of teasing from his teammates who proceed to forget about it by the time they turn up to training the following morning.
Kai doesn’t let it go though and somehow Julian isn’t that surprised.
Kai leans into it, calling Julian a number of different pet names over the days that follow, so many that Julian doesn’t think he’s heard Kai call him by his actual name for days; he's almost desperate to hear Jule.
“Baby?” Kai calls out.
“Oh my god.” Julian cries out, hearing Kai pad into the living room. “Are you still doing this?” He asks, throwing his body into the couch, covering his face with one of the cushions. To an outsider, he looks like he’s attempting to suffocate himself, which isn’t that far off what Julian is attempting to do.
Julian mutters something when he feels Kai flop onto the couch beside him, his words come out muffled but he hears his best friend’s laughter clearly, like music to his ears. Ridiculously.
“Sweetheart.” Kai tries again, pushing his luck as he falls against Julian, grasping at his best friend. “Did you mean it?” He asks, his teasing tone slipping and replaced with something else… curiosity, confusion, Julian can’t tell. “Jule?”
“I—” Julian tries to explain but he can’t, he feels his cheeks heating up under Kai’s scrutinising look. “I just—” he flaps, waving his hand around in front of him. “I could’ve called you a lot worse, you know?”
Kai’s face spreads into a bright grin as he shoves Julian’s shoulder with his own.
“I know.” He says at first. “Whatever you could have called me, you probably have.”
Julian lets the tension roll off his shoulders, laughing and eliciting a laugh from Kai too, he turns to face him, softening at Kai’s smiling face, no teasing glimmer in his eyes, no smirk— no, it’s fond— almost tender and it’s aimed at him.
Julian hopes that the blush sweeping across his cheeks isn’t as obvious as it feels, he thinks he might scald his hands if he tried to touch his face but Kai doesn’t pull his eyes away from him. Instead, he leans closer and lifts his arm to rest around Julian’s shoulders, his smile is small if not a little bashful. It’s different, it’s gorgeous, Julian turns his head away towards the television.
Kai shifts so he can lie down and kick his feet into Julian’s lap— the older boy sending him a look, gesturing to Kai as if to ask what are you doing? Kai just shrugs, digging his feet into Julian’s thigh and settling into the corner of the couch. Julian rolls his eyes but doesn’t push him away, instead, he lets his hands rest against Kai’s ankles (and if he presses down a little harder than necessary, out of spite, Kai wisely doesn’t choose to comment on it).
Julian changes the channel, settling on a rerun of a court show that holds their attention for a short while until Kai presses his foot into Julian’s thigh.
“Jule?” He calls out quietly. “I’ve got an idea, are you in?”
Julian turns his head, arching an eyebrow at the thoughtful expression on his best friend’s face, his attention momentarily distracted by the raised voices coming from the TV.
“Depends.” Julian replies cautiously, it’s not that he doesn’t trust Kai, He does. He’s probably the one person outside of his family that he trusts with his life but it’s the glimmer in his best friend’s eyes that he doesn’t trust. “Should I be worried?” He asks, turning so that he’s facing him, his full attention now on Kai.
“Nah.” Kai smirks, waving his hand airily. “You’ll love it.”
Julian hums. He’ll be the judge of that but it doesn’t stop him watching Kai’s expression change with a renewed interest, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth as he studies the intense look that crosses Kai’s face, if only for a second.
“I think we should fool them, get them back.” Kai starts, a wicked smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. “The boys— they’re convinced we’re dating anyway, I say fuck it, let’s screw with them for a laugh.”
This should be the exact moment that if Julian was in the middle of drinking, he would spit the contents out and stare at Kai with wide eyes and mouth agape, unsure if he’s heard him correctly. As it happens, Julian does stare at his best friend with wide eyes and his jaw almost on the floor (the comical effect of the drink is missing but he doesn’t have time to dwell on that because Kai’s decided to continue on which does little to stop Julian spiralling).
“I mean... is it really that different from how we act now?” Kai asks, gesturing to his feet that are still kicked up in Julian’s lap, the self-awareness of it all flying over Julian’s head.
Instinctively, Julian lifts his hand from Kai’s ankle and drags it through his hair, avoiding his eyes as the heat crawls up from the base of his neck unable to stop the slight frown that twitches at the corners of his mouth, his mind running wild at just what Kai is saying.
It’s a terrible— no, really, it’s going to be a fucking disaster, pretending to date his best friend as a payback tactic to the incessant teasing from their teammates? Julian is absolutely certain that Kai hasn’t thought this through.
Kai waits though, he watches the hundred different emotions that fight for the right to stay on Julian’s face until.
“Okay.”
The word feels too loud against the long silence that had transcended between Kai bringing it up and Julian agreeing— it feels wrong to agree to it— Julian lowers his hand back to rest against Kai’s ankle and repeats the word though it comes out quieter this time, a little less certain.
“It’s— it’s not the worst idea you’ve ever had.” He adds, trying to stay nonchalant about Kai asking them to pretend to be a couple, his heart rattling around in his chest, an irritation building within him at how inexplicably calm his best friend is, like this is something that normal friends do. “Let’s fuck with them.” Julian smiles, and the words come out a lot more breathlessly than he intends them to.
“Thanks, babe.” Kai grins, punching his shoulder.
“For fuck’s sake!” Julian cries out, his nervousness replaced by the exasperation that comes with being friends with Kai— his best friend’s laughter ringing throughout the living room.
*
The thing about pretending to date Kai Havertz is that it feels a lot like actually dating Kai Havertz.
Julian is absolutely fine with it. He doesn’t regret agreeing to join in with Kai’s bound—to—fail plan but every time that his best friend slides up beside him, wrapping Julian in his arms— acting clingier than usual— letting his lips graze against his jaw, feeling Kai’s fingers twine with his own— well— Julian flushes bright red, brighter than should be humanly possible.
(He also feels himself slowly going insane— this is Kai— his best friend in the world who is looking at him like he hangs the sun, moon and stars in his eyes and it’s all for— what— nothing, that’s what).
Jonathan is the first of their teammates to start suspecting something, sending the pair of them an incredulous look as he walks through the dressing room. Julian’s head is down and he’s struggling to tie his laces because one of his hands is intertwined with Kai’s as his best friend talks to him— he’s talking a mile a minute and Julian can’t keep up— failing once again to tie his laces one—handed.
“I have the best idea—” Kai says suddenly, losing his own train of thought as he jumps up from the bench— taking Julian with him. Julian lands on the floor, his knees taking a whack against the tiles as he stares up at Kai— eyes narrowed. “Fuck, sorry.” Kai apologises, letting Julian’s hand go and allowing the blond to get back to his feet.
Julian rolls his eyes— Kai doesn’t notice. He sits back on the bench and takes advantage of the situation to finally tie the laces to his trainers, stealing a glance at Kai rummaging through his bag with a look of focus on his face that seems out of place.
Kai mutters something before pulling out a garment, more specifically one of his hoodies that he throws at Julian— hitting him in the face as he catches it, staring at it before looking up at Kai who looks positively delighted. He’s bouncing from foot to foot as he points at the hoodie, Julian drops his eyes back to it— feeling a warmth glide through his body at the smell of Kai's cologne on it.
“What is—?” Julian starts to ask.
“— Sharing clothes is what you do in a relationship, right?” Kai interrupts, his eyes twinkling again, feeling pleased with himself.
“Sure.” Julian hums, clutching the garment closer to him, it’s soft— and he’s seen Kai wear it so many times. “I’m already wearing a hoodie though.” He says, pulling at the beige one that he’s already changed into.
“I’m not asking you to put it on now although—” Kai snorts but chooses not to finish that thought.
Julian just nods dumbly because that’s all he can bring himself to do— the raucous sounds of the dressing room sinking away into nothing as he unfolds the hoodie in his hands— he thinks about the amount of times he’s seen Kai wear it recently, it’s probably the only one that he’s seen him wear lately— but he stops himself before his mind wanders down the path of all the times that Julian wanted to grab hold of the strings and pull Kai in.
Someone whistles across the dressing room, someone else calls out isn’t that your favourite one?
“It must be real love.” Mitchell grins, shaking his head.
Kai laughs loudly, the sound smacking Julian in the chest— forcing him to look down at the floor and stuff the hoodie hastily into his bag.
“You know what they say, boys.” Kai smirks, running his tongue across his bottom lip as he steps towards Julian, dropping down beside him on the bench and wrapping his best friend up in his arms— despite the glare that Julian pins him with.
“Oh my god—”
“— Are you two actually—?”
“Kevin, pay the fuck up!”
“Fuck off.”
Julian and Kai snap their eyes towards their teammates who are in various states of shock and glee as others lament a bet that they hadn’t had a clue was even underway. Kai rolls his eyes but there’s a hint of a smile, clearly enjoying the chaos that they have just unleashed on the team— but he turns to Julian, dropping his head to the blond’s shoulder instead. Kai slides his arm through Julian’s jacket and curls it around his waist, holding onto him— Julian shakily zipping up his bag as he tries to ignore the burn of his skin under Kai’s hand.
Julian’s breath hitches when he feels Kai’s lips brush against the base of his jaw, swallowing down the burn that rises in his throat, this is ridiculous, he’s imagining things.
Julian jumps up, half—pushing Kai off him as he lifts his bag, swinging it wildly as he throws it over his shoulder— dashing towards the door to the soundtrack of their teammates’ hollering, knowing that Kai is following him without having to look back.
He can’t relax— no— not until he arrives home and buries his face into the closest cushion to him on the couch— barely managing to resist the urge to scream at the top of his lungs. He hears the sound of the front door shutting, of Kai entering the living room and dropping into the armchair.
“Jule?”
“Kai.”
Julian huffs out his best friend’s name— he’s exhausted— and it’s only just begun.
***
It gets easier— but whether that’s a good thing or not is a question that Julian hasn’t figured out the answer to yet.
Confirming all their teammates’ suspicions is one thing— listening to the retelling of how the betting on them started is another— Julian shifts uncomfortably, it’s not even real— mocks him relentlessly against the sound of Kai’s laughter at Kevin’s expense as he laments losing the bet.
It’s easier though. Kai still wraps Julian up in his arms during a break in training, burrowing his face into the back of Julian’s neck, holding onto him like he doesn’t want to let go. Julian flushes but that’s expected by now.
“Fucker.” Kai growls, glaring as Julian sidesteps him, stopping and rolling his foot along the top of the ball.
Julian laughs, his cheeks tight from smiling at Kai sitting on the pitch scowling.
“It was clean!” Julian argues, dissolving into a fit of giggles. “A bruised ego isn’t a good look, love.” He tuts, wiggling his eyebrows at Kai as he crosses his arms over his chest.
“Lover’s spat!” Kevin shouts over, hands cupping his mouth attracting the attention of the rest of the team who are now eagerly looking over in their direction.
Mitchell falls against Jonathan, both of them throwing their hands over their hearts dramatically.
“So cute.” Mitchell comments.
“The first fight is always the hardest.” Jonathan teases, leaning against Mitchell and sending the both of them wobbling.
Kai and Julian turn their attention away from each other, Julian’s smile faltering when he notices the looks on their teammates’ faces. The problem is— Kai takes that as the perfect opportunity to jump to his feet and tackle Julian to the ground instead— the blond landing with a thump and a groan as Kai falls on top of him, laughing breathlessly as he tucks his head against Julian’s.
“Oh my god.” Julian groans, throwing his head back against the damp turf. “I think I want to break up.”
Kai chuckles and holds on tighter to Julian.
“No.” He replies, an unusual hesitation to his voice. “I don’t want to.”
Julian knows he’s joking— of course he is— it’s just a stupid ploy to get back at their teammates for the constant teasing, their own— confusing as it is— plan to stop the teasing for good.
Kai tightens his grip on Julian’s shoulders and lifts his head up— and god, his eyes are fucking mesmerising, green but almost grey in this light— Julian can barely tear his gaze away— because Kai is looking at him in a way that he hasn’t done before— something unreadable glistening in those eyes that Julian has come to adore.
Julian opens his mouth to say something but snaps it shut once he realises how small the distance is between them, inches, maybe less— his chest constricting at how easy it would be to close the gap— to kiss Kai, like he’s wanted to for weeks.
He wonders if Kai would kiss him back— does he even want to kiss Julian like he does?
“No making out during training, captain’s orders!” Lars bellows, cutting short the what if moment as Kai and Julian spring apart.
Kai rolls onto his back, his face burning a bright red at Kevin’s follow up—
“Be normal and go and find an empty closet!”
Kai sits up, raking a hand through his curls and touseling them, grinning devilishly at Kevin.
“Do you know a lot about closets?!” He yells, and suddenly the moment is gone and everything is back to the way it was.
***
Julian is sitting at the island, scrolling through his Instagram feed when Kai walks in front of him— Julian looks up, frowning at him, more specifically, the denim jacket that Kai is shrugging on over a hoodie.
“That’s my jacket.” He says, reaching out and gripping the material, halting Kai in his tracks. “Where did you find it? I haven’t worn this in ages.”
Kai arches his eyebrows before popping the collar with a shrug.
(Julian rolls his eyes to hide the fact that he actually found that attractive, not that he’d ever admit that— he would rather take that fact to the grave).
“You’re wearing my hoodie.” Kai points out, and Julian looks down at the hoodie that Kai had thrown at him in the dressing room a few weeks ago. “Did you really think I wouldn’t wear something of yours? Isn’t that what boyfriends do?” Kai asks, picking his phone up from the counter.
“Point taken.” Julian mumbles, choosing that moment to immerse himself in the latest post from his brother.
He bites his tongue, the words we’re not a real couple sit dangerously on Julian’s tongue as he tries to calm his racing heartbeat— he won’t say it, can’t say it because despite it all— Julian would rather stay in— whatever the hell this is— and never openly admit that he likes it, that he wants it to be real and not a ruse.
Kai reaches for the car keys and Julian grabs his jacket from the couch, shrugging it on before turning to Kai, their outfits almost identical.
“We’re wearing the same outfit. For fuck’s sake, we’re one of those couples.” He bemoans, pulling a face, letting his eyes roam across Kai’s body before snapping himself out of it just as quickly.
Kai laughs at the absurdity but his arm still finds Julian’s waist and he rests their heads together.
“Don’t act like you don’t secretly love it.” He whispers before kissing Julian’s cheek— like it’s a normal thing to do.
The blood rushes to Julian’s face as he shoves Kai away, the younger boy laughing all the way downstairs.
It’s only dinner, which is something that they do every other week together, finding new restaurants in the city to go to— Julian is drinking some water from his glass when he’s almost blinded by the flash from Kai’s phone— which leads to Julian kicking out at his shin under the table.
“What the fuck was that for?” Kai asks, his wince turning into a scowl as he leans down to rub the spot that Julian kicked.
“For almost blinding me, asshole.” Julian says, squinting and leaning forward. “What did you even do that for?”
Kai raises his eyebrows and mouths the word Instagram.
Julian reaches for his phone, scrolling through until he finds Instagram— Kai’s shit—eating grin unhelpful as always as he opens his best friend’s latest story—
It’s a terrible picture— Julian’s face is barely visible because of the flash but he realises pretty quickly that he isn’t the reason for Kai’s mirth— it’s the caption that accompanies the horrible picture.
“Date night?” Julian snorts, shaking his head as he lowers his phone— though he’s eternally grateful for the restaurant’s low lighting that hides how quickly his blush has spread across his cheeks. “Real subtle, Kai.”
Kai pretends not to know what Julian is going on about but his resolve melts quicker than ice cream in July.
“It’s not like anybody is going to take it seriously.” He shrugs a shoulder. “I was being romantic, I just wanted to show off the love of my life.” He says, again, like it’s the most normal thing in the world to say to him.
Kai Havertz will be the death of Julian Brandt.
***
It hits Julian on the way home from Hanover.
Kai had scored Leverkusen’s winning goal and like always, Julian had raced across to be the first one to celebrate with him— fingers gripping the back of his jersey as Kai had buried his face in Julian’s neck.
Kai laughed, his hand pressed to the back of Julian’s neck— barely noticing their teammates jumping on them, trapping them in the middle, pressed together. They caught each other’s eyes and for a moment— Julian almost leaned in, fuck the plan, screw it all— for a second all that mattered to him was Kai.
Jogging back for the restart, Julian caught Kai’s eyes and the ghost of a smile that was pulling at the corners of his mouth, and for a fleeting moment—
— It felt like everything changed.
Everything has changed.
Julian leans against the window as the autobahn passes in a blur of traffic and streetlights, Kai’s head against his shoulder— having crashed barely five minutes away from the stadium, arms crossed over his chest.
He replays the celebrations over and over until a headache starts to thrum at the base of his skull, until Kai’s face— inches from his— blurs and stings in the corners of his eyes.
Kai shifts and slumps further in the seat, Julian follows and waits until his best friend is comfortable again.
Julian looks out of the window again, listening to the hushed conversations from other areas of the bus— most of his teammates crashed within thirty minutes of the journey back but Julian couldn’t— can’t.
“Are we home yet?” Kai asks, voice slurring with the sleep that’s still wringing through his body.
“Not yet.” Julian whispers, not trusting his voice. “I’ll wake you when we get there.”
Kai reaches for his hand in the dark, lacing their fingers together, the I know you will feels like a promise of sorts.
In hindsight, it’s the most obvious thing in the fucking world— Julian Brandt is in love with Kai Havertz.
***
It was supposed to be fun, a joke, and for the most part— pretending to date Kai is a lot of fun— except Julian had to go and ruin it by falling in love with his best friend.
Falling in love is not supposed to feel like this— Julian should not be pacing his hotel room in Augsburg agonising over his feelings towards his best friend (that he didn’t know existed a month ago) until he clutches his throbbing head as a wave of nausea crosses over him and he has to sit down on the edge of his bed to keep it at bay.
It’s stupid really— that somewhere along the line of playing pretend and dancing a line that’s been blurred for so long— Julian assumed that Kai would realise he loved him too and their scheme could turn into something real.
Julian falls back against the bed, his head spinning— he’s still wearing Kai’s hoodie, has been for days now— his thoughts turning to Leverkusen’s upcoming game against Augsburg but that lasts for all of thirty seconds before he’s thinking about Kai again. His phone buzzes with a new text, he doesn’t need to look at it to know who it’s from— he’s ignored the last two messages from his best friend.
Julian does grab his phone though, pulling open his message thread with Bernd and angrily stabs at the keyboard.
Julian Brandt: this is all your fucking fault!!!! i hate you!!!!
Julian watches the three dots immediately appear, disappear before appearing again before a message— that causes Julian to scowl so hard he fears for a moment that his face will stay like that— comes through.
Bernd Leno: You love him.
Julian Brandt: fuck you
Bernd Leno: :)
Julian drops his phone beside him and exhales a sigh so deep that it rattles against his chest, lifting his hands to scrub across his face.
A knock at his door pulls him out of his thoughts— and for a second, Julian thinks about ignoring it— it’s not like he wants to come face to face with anybody at the moment— especially, Kai. Whoever it is, knocks again, this time harder.
“Yeah, alright.” Julian sighs, dragging a hand through his hair as he gets to his feet, dragging them across his room to the door. “What do you want?” He asks, pulling the door open.
“You’re awake.” Kai says in lieu of greeting, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth, surprised by Julian looking back at him.
“Yeah.” Julian breathes out, swallowing at the dark circles under Kai’s eyes.
(Julian doesn’t mention to Kai that it looks like he hasn’t slept in days— it’s not true anyway— Julian had to wake Kai up to make sure that they made it in time to leave for Augsburg).
Kai walks into the room and stops in the middle, his hands in his pockets as he stares down at the beige carpet. Julian closes the door but doesn’t make a move away from it. For a minute, neither of them say a word
“Kai…” Julian says, wincing at the roughness of his own voice as he walks further into the room. “What’s up?” He asks, taking a step towards him.
Kai lifts his head, his mouth quirking up slightly as he smiles at Julian but it fades just as quickly.
“This isn’t how I thought this would go.” He admits, scrunching his face up.
Julian arches an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest. He wants to say something— anything but the same wave of nausea that’s followed him around for a month washes over him and he can only stand dumbly in the middle of the room staring at his best friend.
“We were supposed—” Kai starts, gesturing wildly, frowning. “— I was— fuck—” Kai stops again, unable to get the words out as the frustration builds in every crease of his face. “I think I love you.” He says in a rush, a pink tinge to his cheeks but he doesn’t— can’t meet Julian’s eyes. “And, you were supposed to fall in love with me.”
In hindsight, laughing at your best friend— who he’s in love with— who has just confessed that he loves him too is the worst thing that Julian could have done.
Kai snaps his head up at the sound, pinning Julian with a glare but Julian can’t help it— he loves him back and the month of going back and forth has been for nothing because Kai loves him too.
“Thanks.” Kai mutters, his voice cracking, the rejection would have been embarrassing enough but Julian laughing at him kills him inside. “You didn’t have to be an asshole—”
Kai makes a move to leave but Julian— who quickly sobered up at the harshness of his best friend’s voice stops him, his hand curling around Kai’s wrist, his thumb brushing along his pulse— it’s racing.
Julian laughs nervously, Kai tries to pull his wrist out of his grip but Julian holds on— of course he does— he can’t— won’t let Kai go.
“Stop laughing.” Kai bites, his voice wobbly as he drops his gaze, unable to look at his best friend.
“Kai…” Julian’s voice is soft, gentle as he tugs him closer. “You have no idea how funny this is, do you?”
Kai doesn’t answer.
“I love you too, idiot.” Julian admits, loosening his grip on Kai’s wrist until he can thread their fingers together. “If you don’t believe me, ask Bernd.”
Kai meets Julian’s eyes, knitting his eyebrows together but he doesn’t comment on it, something flashes in his eyes though— something making sense in that gorgeous head of his.
“When?” Kai asks, squeezing their joined hands.
“Hanover game. That’s when I realised it but… Jesus, Kai— I don’t even know, it just happened.” Julian says, letting himself relax as the smile that’s been threatening at the corners of his mouth, appears. “It’s not like I was subtle…”
“Subtle enough.” Kai dismisses, laughing nervously. “How was I supposed to know?”
“For fuck sake!” Julian cries, taking a playful swipe at Kai’s shoulder. “You’re the only person who can turn me redder than our jerseys.”
Kai dissolves into a fit of giggles, shaking his head, a bashful smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“So…”
Kai lifts his hands and twirls the strings of Julian’s hoodie around his fingers, tugging the blond closer to him— their faces inches apart— Julian’s breath hitches and Kai searches his eyes for any sign of hesitation.
“Kai.” Julian says but it comes out strangled. “Kiss me.”
Kai leans in, he kisses Julian and everything in the world makes sense for the first time ever. Julian’s hands find the side of Kai’s neck, thumbs tracing his jaw. Moving together as one, they trip over each other’s feet as they fall back on the bed, Kai straddling Julian— gazing down at him, lips parted, cheeks flushed— Julian’s face softens, he’s so in love, so so in love.
Julian pulls him down to kiss him again, smiling against his mouth.
***
The thing about dating Kai Havertz is that it’s not that different from being best friends with Kai Havertz.
The final whistle goes in Berlin and Julian finds himself crossing the pitch towards Kai— who is already making a b—line for him.
Kai brightens as they meet on the halfway line, Julian bringing him into a hug— his arms winding around Kai’s neck, deft fingers brushing through his boyfriend’s matted curls. Kai smiles, and Julian feels the imprint of it against his neck.
“Nice goal.” Julian comments nonchalantly, his heartbeat thrumming a steady rhythm.
“Yours was better.” Kai says with a shake of his head. “Lucky though.”
Kai just manages to jump out of the way of Julian’s retaliating slap, laughing as he throws his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. Julian lets out an indignant huff as he starts walking off the pitch, Kai goes with him, easily.
“So, I was thinking...” Kai says, once they’re down the tunnel and heading towards the away dressing room.
“Did it hurt?” Julian teases, ducking out of the way of Kai’s hand. “What did you realise, baby?”
“We haven’t actually been on a date yet.” Kai says, smiling a sheepish smile. “A real one and now the season is over—”
“— Are you asking me out?” Julian interrupts, knocking his shoulder against his boyfriend’s. “Six out of ten.”
Kai sticks his tongue out.
“I don’t need to ask you out. We’re already dating, Jule.” Kai points out, reaching for Julian’s hand, lacing their fingers together and holding their joined hands up in front of them.
Julian hums.
“I like making out with you but that doesn’t mean we’re dating.” Julian argues, unable to fight back his smile— some things never change— annoying Kai is one of them.
“Does so!” Kai whines. “I don’t hear you complaining about it— what about the other day, that was a date, right?”
“You coming over to my flat to take a nap doesn’t count.” Julian snorts, shaking his head. “Where are we going… if you’re so keen to take me out?”
“With a sniper, maybe.” Kai grumbles lowly, hoping that Julian doesn’t catch it— but he rubs his thumb across the back of his boyfriend’s hand anyway.
“Hey!” Leon shouts.
“We’re really happy for you but can you hurry the fuck up, Bosz is waiting and we want to go home.” Jonathan says, snapping his fingers to try and hurry them up.
***
Kai sits by the window on the flight home, his fingers laced with Julian’s as he watches his boyfriend put his headphones on— to drown out the noise of their teammates— all of them shouting over each other about their summer plans.
“I love you.” Julian mouths to him.
“I love you more.” Kai mouths back, shifting so that he can rest his head against his boyfriend’s shoulder.
In every universe, Julian falls in love with Kai, and in this universe Kai loves him back.