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X.
They are shy, at first.
“Hey,” Rin says, blushing a bit as he looks down at the ground.
They had never been shy before.
“Hey,” Haru says back simply, staring at Rin’s downcast eyes.
Okay, maybe Haru is a little shy now too.
“So we, uh,” Rin mumbles, trying to find the right words. Finally, he settles on, “It’s been a while, huh?”
Haru doesn’t say anything, but rather tentatively reaches his hand out to Rin in response, small and scared and trembling.
Something that was simultaneously heavy and light hangs in the air between them, as if saying, This time, this time we’ll make it work.
Rin’s eyes look down, soft and full of emotions, at the hand before him. He smiles, a smile of pain and regret and promise and hope.
We’ll both hold on this time.
Haru’s hand in Rin’s, gripping so tightly that his knuckles turned white. Holding tightly, as if he never planned on letting go.
You’re mine, for the rest of this lifetime.
Rin grips his hand back just as tightly, and opens his mouth to speak again.
Because we’re meant to be.
IX.
“I want to see him,” Haru says into an empty bathroom. The water in the bathtub ripples faintly as he sits up straighter.
“I want to see him,” he repeats. I want to see him, I want to see him, I want to see him.
He submerses himself fully in the water, bubbles rising to the surface. Haru’s been trying to drown these thoughts out for--how many years had it even been?
Seven, Haru’s mind helpfully supplies.
Not that he was counting.
He’s been gone seven years already; surely they could go the rest of their lives without each other. Seven years should be enough of a testament to that.
Seven painful years, with not a day spent in which Rin had not been on his mind.
Why now, of all the times? Why does the pain spike and blossom within him now, just when he had hoped that time had dulled the effect? Why couldn’t his heart just let Haru forget this void that only Rin could fill?
He misses you, Gou had said.
Haru leaves a trail of water as he runs from the bathroom to find some clothes.
VIII.
“Talk to him,” Makoto says.
“He’ll understand,” Rei says.
“Rin-chan is a good person,” Nagisa says.
I know, I know, I know, Haru thinks, as everyone says the same thing. But he doesn’t need me back in his life.
So he continues, without the presence of one redhead in his life. He’s just one man in seven billion, one of the thousands Haru will meet in this lifetime.
One of the thousands that will forget Haru.
“He misses you,” Gou says.
Haru hesitates.
VII.
Makoto’s younger sister got her first boyfriend when she was 14. As her older brother, Makoto had been outwardly supportive - and inwardly supportive, as well. But also very worried. Frantically worried, and Haru received the worst of it.
“But Haru , what if the boy is actually a jerk? She says he’s the sweetest boy ever, but I can’t even meet him since we’re so far away now. I hope she doesn’t get hurt by this, Ran is--”
“Makoto.”
“...Yes?”
“I’m sure he’ll be a nice guy. Your sister’s smart, she wouldn’t date a jerk.”
Makoto thought about it, and visibly relaxed. “I’m sure you’re right, Haru. I guess I’m just worried because. Because well, from what I can tell, relationships can hurt. And I don’t even want to see anyone get hurt like you again, because it hurts watching it almost just as bad as it hurt you.”
Haru winced. “Makoto, I’m fine.” Fine, but with pieces of him gone.
But he didn’t need those pieces to be ‘fine’; he could be just fine without them.
His best friend looked at him, with a look that screamed that he was utterly unconvinced.
He was fine; he had to be fine. There was no reason for him to be hurt, and even if Haru did start thinking too much - well, there’s always water, where he could quite literally drown everything out.
“Anyway, I’m happy for your sister. Tell Ran that if he does turn out to be a jerk or something, I’ll... I’ll personally ruin her boyfriend’s reputation. Accidentally, of course - during a press conference or something, I don’t know.”
Makoto gave him a blinding smile. One without pointy teeth, one that was as sincere as the person was behind it.
One that never teased him.
Makoto said something, but Haru was lost again in his own world. A world where sharp-toothed smiles were plenty, one where red hair was always by the corner of his eye.
One where his heart never shattered. Where he never pushed his real feelings away, a world where Haru would be honest with his feelings. Another timeline, where he faced his own feelings and Rin’s feelings, and worked out that tangled web of emotions instead of cutting all ties.
Sadly, that wasn’t this world. And it wouldn’t ever be.
VI.
Sometimes, Haru looks back on the pictures that Gou took of them during their days of swimming together. And sometimes, Rin would appear in some of those pictures - Haru’s eyes would linger over those pictures a little longer than the other ones.
He never asked her to, but occasionally Gou would send a picture over of Rin, doing boring and mundane things, with no explanation.
Haru always promises himself to not open those pictures, to not save them, to not look at them for too long.
He never keeps those promises.
There is a folder on his phone; one that he looks back on when he is feeling particularly broken or empty. It’s his comfort away from water, in a sense.
The title of that folder may or may not be titled Rin , with a little heart behind it.
V.
It’s hard, life without Rin. It’s painful, empty, numb, boring.
But Haru has to get used to it; has to understand that this is what his life would be like from now on.
Because he did this, he pushed the two of them apart. With his constant denial, constant fear, he made them what they were now.
But oh, how it hurt.
He missed the snark remarks. He missed the weird red hair. He missed the teasing. He missed the swimming. He missed the slight touches. He missed the scent of ocean and freedom and cologne.
He missed Rin.
IV.
“Why?!” Rin yelled at him, throwing his hands up in the air angrily. “Haru, why are you like this?! ”
Haru looked away, not meeting the furious red eyes glaring at him. “Why am I like what?” he muttered back angrily. Defensively.
“You know full well what I mean, stop dancing around this! Face up to this. Since when did the Haru I know become such a coward?” Rin was advancing on him now, not so much angry as demanding now.
“...I was always one,” he said back, finally meeting Rin’s eyes. He wasn’t surprised to see them filled with tears.
The tears fell. “No,” Rin breathed, slamming a fist onto Haru’s chest. “No, you weren’t. You used to own up to your own feelings. You were brave enough to only ever swim free. No matter what. You were brave enough to help me. You were brave enough to break through your own boundaries.”
Haru waited for Rin to finish, looking down at the fists grasping his shirt.
“You…” Rin’s voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper as he said this.
“You were brave enough to love me.”
At this, Haru grabbed Rin’s fists and shoved them away from himself.
“No. No, I was not. And I never will be, because when we’re both broken and hurt and shattered, then who will be the one to pick the both of us up? Then who will heal us? No one, that’s who.” Haru’s voice was filled with a raw sort of emotion, one that Rin couldn’t nearly place this time.
“Is that how you want this to end? With us both shattered beyond repair, and no one to fix either of us?
“I was brave enough to help you, maybe. But I will never be brave enough to do it this way. It hurt, Rin. I don’t think you completely understand; seeing the one person who I--” Haru caught himself there, taking a deep breath,“--seeing you hurt is painful for me. And I’m okay with picking you up, time and time again. That’s not what I’m afraid of. I’d take the pain for you, always. If it means seeing you happy, I’d do it.
“But the way we’re going right now, it can only lead to a path where we’re both broken. Where I’m so far gone that I can’t even put you back together again. And I can’t do that to either of us, because we’d never get back up.”
Rin stared at the teen in front of him. In that instant, Haru both seemed like the most familiar and most foreign person to him. The Haru standing before him looked like a small, lost child - and yet, somehow also managed to look wise and mature.
But most of all, Haru looked like he was less than a millimetre away from shattering. From breaking apart.
And Rin was the reason that Haru looked like this; he himself was the reason that the boy standing in front of him almost looked like a complete and utter stranger.
Maybe it would be for the best of both of them if they found healing somewhere else. But where else would Rin be able to find a place that offered as much comfort, excitement, and tranquility as Haru did?
III.
Haru took one step into the change room and was immediately drenched, head to toe. Not that he was complaining.
Peals of laughter sounded - one, two, three, four. Four voices. Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, and… Gou? No, it wasn’t her laugh. Who else was there?
“Surprise!” Rin shouted, pulling Haru into a headlock. “Happy birthday!”
Haru’s brain was short-circuiting, not quite knowing what to make of this scene. Rin, in the Iwatobi Swim Club’s change room. Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei laughing in front of him, all shouting happy birthday at him, who was still completely soaked. Rin, who was too close, way too close for comfort - he could feel the heat radiating off of Rin’s body, hot and close and inviting and dangerous.
“I, you--” Haru said, still looking around in a confused state. “Huh?” he ended up saying intelligently.
This caused everyone around him to laugh even harder. Makoto stepped forward, big smile on his sweet, sweet face. “It’s your birthday, right? So, happy birthday!”
Haru had totally not forgotten about his own birthday.
Oops.
“But--” Haru said, looking at Rin suspiciously, “why is he here?” The way he said it may have come out sounding a bit more accusing than he had intended.
Rin feigned hurt, clutching at his heart. “Ouch! Why can’t I be here, to celebrate my childhood friend and current rival’s birthday? Is there something wrong with that?”
Yes, Haru’s mind said frantically. Yes, there is something so, so wrong about you being here. Why are you here, during your summer vacation? Why are you here, just for my birthday? Why are you here, smiling at me and holding me so close?
Why do you make me feel like this every single time?
Outwardly, Haru mumbled that there really wasn’t much of a problem with Rin being there, that he was only a bit shocked.
There was laughter and smiles all around that day, with lots of water flying around and even more swimming happening.
There were also shy, side glances at each other, sweet smiles, fleeting touches. It was almost magical, and at the end of the day Haru wouldn’t trade this in for anything else in the whole world.
This was bad. Haru was falling, falling deeper and deeper and before long he wouldn’t be able to stop himself.
He needed to stop himself.
II.
By the time Rin had picked himself up, it was hard for Haru to imagine life without Rin. It was hard to imagine what life would be like without the constant bickering and teasing, or the constant challenges to see who was really the best swimmer for the umpteenth time.
Rin had become such a big part of his life again without Haru realizing, and it was almost too late for him to realize what was happening.
The first time he realized it was probably in Australia, in the hotel room. He could feel the solidity of Rin behind him - and he didn’t hate it. The blankets moved slightly every time Rin shifted, and Haru felt, rather than heard, Rin’s breathing.
There was a comforting sort of atmosphere, one that he didn’t feel even around Makoto. He pondered on this feeling for a while.
It was then that his mind first supplied this fateful thought:
“I love him.”
I.
Rin was different when he came back; cold, bitter, angry. And broken. Broken nearly beyond repair.
He hid it well, though. Haru could still tell. It was in the rough eyes, in the harsh jaw. Everything was different.
Haru didn’t want it to be different, though. When they had swum in the relay race together - it had been magical. Eye-opening.
So why did a couple years of absence have to change so much? Why couldn’t Rin be the same person?
What happened to Rin that made him change so much?
Haru wanted to pick up all the broken pieces, each and every one Rin tried to throw away. He wanted to hold them all dearly, until Rin wanted them back. Haru wanted Rin to come to him, for them to go forward together.
Because there was no other way for the two of them to go forward, unless they were together.
Because they were meant to be.