Work Text:
He sat in the empty apartment, the only thing filling it was himself, a table and a few chairs. The place had been left to collect dust for some time it would seem. Jim had come to see the place one last time, memories he had held fondly flitting across his mind. Looking at it now it was hard to imagine life happening in between these four walls.
He stood, fingers tracing the edges of the table as he walked to the adjoining bedroom. The door creaked open, he leant on the door jamb, his eyes took in the room, a ghost of a memory reemerging. If he closed his eyes he could almost hear that voice still.
He'd often thought of returning but never had the courage to do so. He wondered if he had, would things have been different.
~*~
San Francisco 1950
Jim Kirk hadn't been moved in long to the building. He had come to San Francisco to find work, he hadn't expected to find a potential love interest. His neighbour who just lived down the hall was stoic and gave Jim the impression that he wasn't a particularly social fellow. They'd pass each other every day in the hall way, Jim would always try to initiate something, anything between them but more often than not the most he would get was a courteous 'Good Morning' or 'Good Evening' and that was it. But one day, a few months of the same routine, he guessed he wore him down because finally he got a name. Spock. Strange he had thought at first but he also knew he instantly loved it. But even though nothing else had changed he considered that a tremendous victory.
A little longer into their acquaintance Spock would actually stop and listen whenever Jim caught him and started a conversation, true Spock didn't put a lot of input into it but Jim was more than pleased to have the man's attention.
Jim, being the curious fellow that he was, couldn't help but try to figure the man out. He often noticed that Spock would spend long bouts of time away and more often than not come home very late, yet still leave the same time as him in the morning even though Jim was sure he could have only gotten a few hours sleep tops. It was late winter and the weather was miserably cold, it could not be good for him to be go out when the temperature was at it's lowest. Did the man not own a pair of gloves? Jim had caught Spock the day after next, he had gone shopping the day before to present Spock with a scarf. Spock had seemed confused by the gesture but Jim had insisted he take it, if Spock would insist on wearing himself into the ground then he might as well keep warm at least. Spock had taken it thanking him but still taken off guard by Jim's thoughtfulness. Jim had smiled every time he had seen Spock wearing it.
One day, his apartment had been ransacked and he had felt a little shaken by it, Spock who had come home to find Jim in a slightly nervous state had offered him to stay the night in his flat whilst arrangements could be made for his locks to be changed. Jim had been surprised but had gratefully excepted. And that was that. After that it just became natural for Jim to enter Spock's place just to simply hang out, be in each others company, Spock being his usual self, not saying too much, perfectly happy to just let Jim speak about anything and everything.
Time passed and before he knew it, Jim found himself living with Spock. He wasn't sure how their relationship had transgressed to strangers, to acquaintances, to maybe friends, to roommates but he didn't question it either it just felt normal, it wasn't forced. And then almost inevitably after that they became lovers.
It had been two years after their initial meeting and the slow progression to this point still had Jim stopping occasionally to wonder. Spock still came home late, left early and kept to himself a lot and even though Jim knew his profession, knew his familial background somewhat, knew his likes and dislikes he still felt he didn't really know him. There always felt like there was something missing. What he couldn't pinpoint but when he lay in bed, Spock by his side he couldn't help feeling just that little bit empty still, like he was waiting for something to fulfill one more part of him. He never figured out what else he could possibly want until one day too late he realised that they had never said they loved each other.
~*~
Spock came home, late as usual. Jim had waited up for him.
"How was work?"
"Unremarkable. I was hoping to make some advancements in my research today but I was met with yet another problem."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It is what it is. I shall endeavour to put more time in to ensure success."
"You already give so much."
"It cannot be helped. If I am to warrant the grant I was given then it must be done."
Jim nodded. He understood why Spock worked so hard. He worked for his father and he was always trying to prove himself. Jim never said anything, he knew how stubborn Spock could be and he couldn't say that even if his father wasn't, Jim was very proud of him.
"You are up later than usual." Spock noted.
"I thought I'd wait for you." Jim said with a small, soft smile.
"Unnecessary, but I appreciate the sentiment."
Jim had gotten used to what to others may have seemed like cold or off hand remarks but Jim had come to accept that was just how he was.
"You should get ready for bed. I made you dinner but I presume it will be spoiled by now."
"I apologise that you efforts went to waste."
"No matter. You look tired, I'll make you a tea before bed."
"That would be welcome. Thank you."
Jim smiled, coming to stand next to Spock. He pressed a quick kiss to Spock's cheek before pulling back and setting about making his tea as Spock prepared for bed.
~*~
"Why can't you just let me in? I only want to help."
"It is nothing to concern yourself with."
"I want to concern myself. That's what people do in a relationship, they support each other, but you won't ever give me the chance. What is it? Is it your father again?"
Spock stiffened at that. "Matters concerning my father are between myself and him."
"Why do try so hard to please him? He never recognizes all the work you do. Why waste your efforts? You spend so much time at work I hardly see you."
"I do what I must to please no one. I merely put pride into my work like anyone else."
"You're working yourself to exhaustion. You barely eat, you barely sleep. I miss you, it gets so lonely here when I get home."
"I do not know what you wish for me to say."
"All I want from you is to look after yourself. I want you to spend more time at home, do we even have a relationship? We don't spend any time together to be having one."
"Do you wish to leave?"
Jim was taken aback. "What? No, of course not! I just want your priorities to change a little that's all."
"I shall try."
Jim sat next to Spock, placing his hands over his. "That is all I ask."
~*~
Spock stayed to true to his word and he spend less time at work. The hours were more reasonable and Jim got to see Spock in the daytime rather than only at night. They ate meals together and they went out on walks and visited museums together. Things for awhile settled within Jim, he was content. Until he came home one day, Spock was already home with another man that Jim did not recognise. They both turned when he entered. Jim said nothing just looked to the stranger than back to Spock questioningly.
"Jim. Welcome home, this is my father."
Jim's eyes widened slightly.
"Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir."
He was afforded a single nod in acknowledgement before he turned back to Spock.
"You have decided then."
"I have."
"Very well then."
And just like that Spock's father turned and left the apartment. Both Spock and Jim were left standing there, neither moving or speaking for several moments.
"What was that about?" Jim asked eventually.
"It does not matter."
Jim felt frustration at that.
"Why do you never want to talk to me?"
"We spoke of nothing of importance."
"Can't I be the judge of that?"
Spock stayed silent and Jim was starting to wonder if he'd ever get Spock to open up, thought maybe he never would.
Jim sighed, not having it in him to be angry, just disappointed and somewhat sad.
"Fine. I'm going to take a shower."
Jim breezed past Spock who stayed where he was stood, watching after Jim. He was in turmoil about Jim's hurt feelings but the conversation he had had with his father was hardly something that Jim needed to know. Sarek, Spock's father, had come to know the reason why he had stayed in the city so long. Spock had offered the excuse that he was in a relationship. His father didn't need to know the details about his Jim, his father was so displeased with most of his choices this was one aspect he didn't want his father's opinions on. Sarek had given his options, return to the family, become his father's successor and come join him but Spock knew that that wasn't him, he was happy here in his life with Jim and if he had to work ten times as hard underneath his father as a form of punishment for his disappointing him then so be it.
Unfortunately, Jim had come home and Sarek had laid disapproving eyes on him. Spock could practically hear the thoughts running through his mind, he wouldn't mind so much if they were just for him, he wouldn't stand for any negativity towards Jim though and he hoped that Sarek would keep any scathing remarks to himself. When he had left he could see the question in Jim's face before he spoke but he didn't need to know of the bad blood between he and his father, didn't need to be dragged into their family feud. Jim was unaware of how much of a disappointment he was to his family and how much he was putting into his work just to keep the lifestyle he had with Jim. He didn't know that that would be the undoing of them.
~*~
Jim had ignored the feeling for too long. He felt as if he and Spock were growing apart and he had no idea how to stop it, he loved him, he did, but what were they doing? Spock had never talked about that encounter with his father and Jim couldn't bring himself to ask knowing how he would be answered. Jim sometimes felt like he was living more with the memory of Spock then with Spock himself, he had to know one way or the other what their future meant, when Spock came home. For better or for worst he had to know, it was better than living with this uncertainty.
He had waited up for Spock again but when he heard the key in the door he felt his nervousness swell and then he saw Spock's face and suddenly he wasn't so sure anymore. He knew he loved him, maybe he was being selfish, putting too much pressure on Spock to meet his expectations but were they really that high?
Spock seemed surprised to see Jim up at this hour but he hid it quickly and closed the door behind him.
"You did not need to-"
"I know but I couldn't sleep. I needed to talk to you."
"Could it not wait til tomorrow?"
"No." Jim felt a little sick. "I need to say it now or I never might." He clasped his hands together before meeting Spock's eyes again. "What are we doing?"
Spock's head tilted minutely. "I do not understand?"
"You and I. Us. What is this?"
Spock opened his mouth but found no words.
Jim sighed bowing his head.
"I just-- I want to know if there's even anything worth trying for. Do you want to try?"
Words that should have been spoken were not, Spock often wondered why.
"Jim... there is no reason for you to doubt that I do not."
"There isn't? Spock, think about it. What have we done together, properly in the last-- year?" Jim was a little surprised when he thought about it that it had been that long. He had been so caught up in waiting for Spock that he hadn't realised the time passing.
"There have been things that have monopolised my attentions, it is true. You must understand though that everything that I do is for this."
"For what? For a few conversations here and there and then you're gone again. I may as well be living alone again. Sometimes... sometimes I wonder how we got here."
Spock should have said so much more. Should have finally let down his barriers, who else would he let them down for if not for Jim? The man he loved.
In the end Jim had left for bed looking sadder than Spock thought he could bear.
~*~
Jim tried he really did, what kept him going was holding on to those early years where he and Spock had shared looks which both held affection and when everything was fresh and new and Jim had felt for certain that Spock was just as in love as him. But years passed and he holding onto to tendrils. Spock never did relinquish his obsession over working and that was the biggest strain of all, whatever hang ups Spock had with his father was just too great and their relationship suffered for it. Spock could feel Jim growing distant and the more he knew he should do something about it the more the fear creeped in and he couldn't. Instead he let the gap grow wider and in the end he had no one to blame for himself when Jim had finally had enough.
~*~
Jim cried the day he heard of Spock's passing. He'd always hoped that they'd maybe one day cross paths again, maybe rekindle what they had. Perhaps he could finally get Spock to forget whatever obligations he felt he had to his father. Now it was all too late, he'd never regretted much in his life, he didn't regret his time with Spock either, after all it wasn't all bad, it just hadn't worked. He had wanted it to so badly though, he wanted Spock to love him just as much as he loved him.
He had attended the funeral, coming into contact with Spock's father was something he expected but not to be approached by him.
"I am pleased you could come."
Jim nodded, he had only ever seen Sarek that one time, many a year ago now, he was surprised that he still remembered him.
"Of course. Spock meant a great deal to me."
Sarek inclined his head.
"There is something that was addressed to you that was found in his belongings. I thought you may want it."
Jim was speechless as Sarek presented an envelope, he wordlessly took it a lump formed in his throat just from seeing his name in Spock's handwriting.
"Thank you." Jim managed.
"I will admit I never approved of many of my son's choices, you being one of them. I never understood why he gave up so much to be with you but my son was never easy to understand." And with that Sarek left him.
Jim was confused by Sarek's statement but right now all Jim wanted to do was go home and read whatever was in the envelope.
~*~
The letter was short, a brief paragraph on his regrets on how things had ended between them. Jim found himself becoming slightly emotional, he too regretted parting ways. Maybe they could have made it work but how many times had he told himself that over the years?
The last part is what had him confused.
I know that I frustrated you in my unwillingness to open myself up to you emotionally. It was not because I did not trust you but merely to spare you of my own difficulties. I know now that that was what you wanted, to share in my problems and to help me. Forgive me for not seeing that sooner. There is something I wish to give to you, something I have treasured these many years. I hope that it will put to rest your doubts of what we had.
Jim read the small note at the end of the letter that he would find it in a box in their old apartment. Spock had still lived there?
When he arrived he took in the old place, couldn't help the mixed feelings of warmth and regret. He moved into the bedroom and made his way to the dresser, opening up the first draw and sure enough there was the box. He was almost afraid to touch it. He gingerly took it out and put it atop the dresser. He took a deep breath before taking the lid off. He felt his eyes sting with forming tears when he saw the scarf folded inside, he took it out and held it, feeling the fabric between his fingers. He put it around his shoulders as he noticed something fall from the folds of the scarf as he lifted it and his breath caught. A small velvet box sat upturned. As Jim picked it up and opened it a single tear slipped down his cheek.
Jim had sat some time in the empty bedroom, holding the ring between his fingers watching as the light glinted off of it. Eventually he made to leave, it was getting dark and he'd cried enough. He wrapped the scarf tighter around himself, burying half of his face into it. He took one last look around the place, letting the memories he had here play out. Jim wished that things could have been different, wished they could of expressed their feelings instead of dancing around each other.
He'd never doubted that Spock had cared, and now he knew how much. It was just a pity that they were both too foolish to tell the other.
He gripped the ring in his hand. He smiled faintly, as he slipped it on. He supposed when he thought back on the little moments, the rare moments when Spock wasn't busy, when they weren't at odds, when Spock would look at him in that way that expressed fondness when he spoke of something that he loved or the way they could share quiet moments without having to say much just be in each others company. When Jim thought about that, he supposed he should have known.