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The Hargreeves Siblings Are Not Alright

Summary:

Klaus added HalfManHalfApe, GoDiegoGo, CurlieGirlie, ShortStack, and MusicalMeme to the Let's McFreakin' Lose It group chat.
AKA
The groupchat fic nobody but me wants

Notes:

HalfManHalfApe - Luther
GoDiegoGo _ Diego
CurieGirlie - Allison
CropTopGod - Klaus
ShortStack - Five
MusicalMeme - Vanya

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: ChApTeR oNe

Chapter Text

Klaus added HalfManHalfApe, GoDiegoGo, CurlieGirlie, ShortStack, and MusicalMeme to the Let's McFreakin' Lose It group chat.

CropTopGod: hello boys & girls

CropTopGod: Allow me 2 entertain u this evening

GoDiegoGo: I'm not into prostitution.. thnx for the offer tho

CurlieGirlie: ^^

CropTopGod: HEY!

HalfManHalfApe: Fuck you v much for this screen name

ShortStack: It is accurate

CurlieGirlie: Ha!

MusicalMeme: What's the real reason we're here?

CropTopGod: W H A T i cannot desire to talk to my siblings???????????????

MusicalMeme: Oh okay.. heyyy gay sibling

CropTopGod: heyyy bisexual sibling

GoDiegoGo: Hey Diego 😊

ShortStack: Choke and die, Diego 😊 

CurlieGirlie: Slip and break ur neck, Dee 😃

GoDiegoGo: okay 🙃

CropTopGod: NO DIEGO! WHO ELSE WILL BE DRIVE ME AROUND?

HalfManHalfApe: I can

CropTopGod: @GoDiegoGo proceed then

GoDiegoGo: Fuck all of you except Vanya

MusicalMeme: yay

ShortStack: Are you going to kill yourself or not? I have places to be and I don't want to miss it.

GoDiegoGo: NO!

ShortStack: 😒😒😒 

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

CurlieGirlie: Wake me up!

HalfManHalfApe: before you go GO

MusicalMeme: when september ends

CropTopGod: WAKE ME UP INSIDE

GoDiegoGo: I CAN'T WAKE UP!

CropTopGod: WAKE ME UP

MusicalMeme: Saaaaaaaaaaave meeeeeeeeee

CurlieGirlie: Call my name and save me from from the daaark 

HalfManHalfApe: Wake me uppppppp!!!!1!!!

ShortStack: Bid my blood to RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GoDiegoGo: I CAN'T WAKE UP!!!!!!!!

CurlieGirlie: BEFORE I COME UNDONE!! 

CropTopGod: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ShortStack: Save me from the nothing I've become!! 

CropTopGod: Ben says he can't believe we just bonded over our Lord and Saviour Evanescence

CropTopGod: "You bitches waited until after I died to live your best lives" 

CropTopGod: Ben's exact words

MusicalMeme: I love you too Ben

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂ 

 

HalfManHalfApe: Did you guys know where Five and Vanya went?

CropTopGod: NO the assholes wouldnt tell me

GoDiegoGo: I kno but i promised I wont say

ShortStack: you better not, Diego

HalfManHalfApe: wherever they are i hope they lose whatever they bought with the money they stole from me 

CropTopGod: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 

CropTopGod: You had money this whole time!!!!

HalfManHalfApe: ... yeah?

GoDiegoGo: you done did fucked up Luther

MusicalMeme: Rip

CurlieGirlie: #RIPmonkeyman

CropTopGod: ur taking me shopping

CurlieGirlie: can i come

CropTopGod: yeah u need my help with ur wardrobe

CropTopGod: Luckily i am the crop top god

GoDiegoGo: thoses arent crop tops

GodIegoGo: they're old shirts from 6 yrs ago you never threw away

HalfManHalfApe: RIP 

ShortStack: ^^

GoDiegoGo: ur siding with them?? I'll tell u where Vanya & Five were going

ShortStack: You wouldn't dare..

CropTopGod: TELL US 

HalfManHAlfApe: TELL US

CurlieGirlie: TELL US 

GoDiegoGo: try me bitch @ShortStack

MusicalMeme: we'll buy you food

GoDiegoGo: you cannot buy me off with food

MusicalMeme: it's KFC....

GoDiegoGo: okay I'll take a whole bucket

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

CropTopGod: Ben is bored.. he said he can answer ur ghost related questions. please use #AskBen when asking ur questions

MusicalMeme: Hey Ben! Do you ever get hungry? #AskBen

CropTopGod: he says no but i think hes lying 

ShortStack: Ben, do you want me to come up with a formula tha can bring you back to life? #AskBen

CropTopGod: He says no thanx. he said staying dead means he doesnt have to worry about dying again

GoDiegoGo: Do dead people hate Klaus? #AskBen

CropTopGod: Ben said only the ones i ignore

GoDiegoGo: so all of them except you? #AskBen

CropTopGod: that is correct

CurlieGirlie: Can you possess bodies? #AskBen

CropTopGod: Ben said this isn't hollywood but he wishes he could

HalfManHalfApe: What would you do if you could possess a body? #AskBen

CropTopGod: Ben said he'll take a shower and eat cereal 

MusicalMeme: Does he have beef with the other ghosts? #AskBen

CropTopGod: Ben claims that he has beef with everyone because hes my brother

GoDiegoGo: What was the worst thing you saw Klaus do? #AskBen

CropTopGod: nice try dee

CropTopGod: im not answering that

CurlieGirlie: Is the ghost of our old cat in our house? #AskBen

CropTopGod: i could have answered that but Ben says yes

CropTopGod: thats all the questions we can take for today

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂

 

MusicalMeme: Diego knocked himself out again

MusicalMeme: I don't know what to do

MusicalMeme: usually Klaus is with him when this happens

CropTopGod: did you try slapping him?

MusicalMeme: yes

CropTopGod: well thats all i do

CurlieGirlie: wait it out Vee

MusicalMeme: im never partnering up w/ diego again

HalfManHalfApe: I'm coming over there

ShortStack: It's always Diego or Kluas that ruin missions

CropTopGod: I'm sorry, who's small bladder needed relief last time?

ShortStack: Fuck you

CurlieGirlie: I'll grab the first aid kit from the car

CropTopGod: I'll call Mom and Pogo

ShortStack: I'll finish off the target  and follow you guys home

.

.

.

.

.

GoDiegoGo: Aw i just read the messages u guys care about me

ShortStack: its 2am go back to sleep

GoDiegoGo: BUT IM HUNGRRRRRRRYYYYYY

CurlieGirlie: he's high off of his meds guys. Just ignore him. 

GoDiegoGo: K L A U S

GoDiegoGo: Klllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaausssssssss

GoDiegoGo: KLAUSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

CropTopGod: what

GoDiegoGo: wanna go grab some waffles?

CropTopGod: 😋🥞

 

The Umbrella Academy ☂