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Things had been going well for Thor.
All at the age of 25, he had a loving Fiancé of whom he adores, a stable job- new apartment with decent rent. Things couldn't have been better. Which is why, of course, life always seems to want to throw a wrench into your stability when you least expect it- shattering any semblance of normality you may have. It came as a shock to him. It came as a shock to everyone. He remembered receiving the phone call early morning, greeting the other person on the line with the enthusiasm of speaking to an old friend. But soon that enthusiasm was replaced with a deep-seated dread- dread that settled itself within his stomach- poisoning all the blood in his body until his entire being was encompassed in a lead blanket of terror.
Thor felt all the air in his lungs be viciously pulled out at the announcement. He shivered as an arctic chill wrapped around his body. This wasn't real, it couldn't be real-
Jane placed a hand on his shoulder, looking up at him with a concerned gaze. "Thor? What's wrong?"
He swallowed down a cry, wordlessly pulling Jane into a smothering hug, only causing her worry to grow. She gripped him tighter as sobs started to wrack through his body.
"Hey, hey- what's going on?" She softly asked.
Jane led Thor to the couch, sitting him down next to her while she held his hands in her own. His eyes were laced with red, clear streams of tears coursing down his face in unhindered, messy streaks. It took a moment before he could respond. Each breath was a shaky hiccup that caused him to choke on his words. After an unsteady gasp, Thor said- "My mother." Deep breath. "M-My mother is- d-dying." He broke down into sobs again, removing his hands from Jane's and placing them over his eyes in an attempt to stifle any further tears. It didn't help.
Wordlessly, she leaned over and pulled him into another hug. They stayed like that for a moment, with Jane consoling her fiancé to the best of her ability, quietly whispering comforting words in his ear. A few minutes passed in silence. With one deep breath, Thor managed to suppress any further sobs- although tears still threatened to spill just underneath the surface of his eyes.
"Thank you for that Jane," He said softly. "Your support means much to me- it really does."
Jane sighed. She hated to see him so distraught. "So what's going on, exactly? Will Frigga be alright?"
Thor shook his head with such despair she almost regrets asking the question. "No. She has a form of fast-acting spinal cancer. It's already stage three and has spread to her lungs and ribs. The tumor isn't even really a tumor- the doctor said something about... Being tangled in nerve endings, so surgery isn't an option. Even if it was, the operation would most likely leave her paralyzed for the rest of her life, and due to her damaged lungs, speaking would utterly exhaust her."
Jane nodded acceptingly.
Neither said anything for a moment. The silence was mournful but not uncomfortable. Finally, Jane spoke with an underlying tone of sympathy in her voice. "Are you going to be alright?"
Thor hesitated. His silence spoke volumes, but Jane was patient, running her fingers over the back of his hand, drawing his attention to the motion. He looked back up to her and give his fiancé a sad smile.
"I will be fine. Thank you," He said softly. "I shouldn't be getting so worked up over this. It's better for me to value the time I still have with my mother then lament so preemptively."
Jane shook her head. "I get it. I felt the same way when my mom had cancer." Her grip on his hand tightened. Their gazes meet, eyes painting a picture of shared empathy with cool blues of sadness splashing over any previous solicitudes. "Would you like to go visit her?" She quietly asked.
Thor silently nodded. Jane saw the beginnings of tears start to work themselves out from behind his eyes once more.
"I'll grab the keys," Jane said.
She stood, leaving the room briefly while Thor followed suit. She returned not a moment later, keys and purse in hand, passing the former to him while they walked out the front door, locking it behind them when they finally exited.
Thor went and picked up the jug of antifreeze sitting on the steps and poured a generous portion into the engine. The temperature had taken a harsh dip fairly recently, giving his car a hard time, and, in turn, him. He's been late for work more times this past week than in half a decade. Placing the container back on the stairs, Thor stepped into the car and immediately turned on the heat, some semblance of feeling returning to his hands as he cupped them around his mouth. His warm exhales removed some of the dull aches in his fingers.
Jane opened the passenger seat door and soon sat down next to him. She gave him a final reassuring smile before he began to pull out of the driveway, cautious of that one patch of ice that seemed to never fail in catching him off-guard in spite of how much salt and dirt he tossed on it.
His parents didn't live too far away, a few hours out, but the solemn purpose of their visit made the drive seem much longer than it actually was. Few words were exchanged between the couple. Instead, there was a comfortable silence that stewed among them. Jane was reading some physics book she had grabbed off her desk that contained numbers and words so large it made Thor's head hurt just to look at, let alone understand. Which is why his beautiful soon-to-be bride does that instead.
The old family mansion looked much the same now as it had when he was growing up. Dark oak framing contrasted the pine exterior, giving it a homey and rustic appearance that left his heart aching with familiarity and nostalgia. The snow that was piled on each ridge helped bring out every possible detail, shimmering as the sun seemed to strike the frozen water at just the right angle, lighting up the house with an almost angelic tinge.
They pull up the car and step out. Thor begins to feel the tinges of trepidation begin to work through him; the frigid snow soaking into his shoes and socks a dull feeling compared to his current slew of emotions. He wondered if father, or even mother, would be happy to see him after so many years. Or would they perhaps prefer to cast him out again as Odin had done long ago? He tried to be angry about that, he really did, but father kicking him out had been possibly one of the best things to ever happen in his life. He met Jane not long after, found some of the closest friends he's ever had, and even landed his own job- away from Odin's nepotistic law firm. He'd seldom visit his family after that day, however. He held a bitter, unreasonable grudge that managed to stay strong for a multitude of years- something that resulted in him only occasionally coming to the house to see mother, but rarely Odin. But now, all that was left of his original anger was replaced with grief. Near debilitating grief that seemed to consume his every thought. I'm sorry I was such a bratty kid. I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you more. I'm sorry that I was unreasonable at times, and, above all; I'm sorry I never spent more time with you while you had it, only taking advantage of your living moments while you lay on your deathbed.
Jane took a few steps forward, noticing his hesitance and deciding to take initiative for him. He followed close behind. Each move up the stairs seemed to get steeper and steeper, dragging on and becoming lengthier with each tread, until it seemed that the large oak front door was towering over him. He took a deep breath, finally making his way ahead of Jane and raising his hand over the silver knocker that adorned the entrance. He hesitated, but only for a moment, pushing out any childish fear he may have had with the thought of he is here for mother.
He completed three heavy knocks- sturdy and firm so they may be heard but not loud enough to be interpreted as aggressive.
A moment passed. Then another. And each second that ticked by Thor's anxieties only grew. He threw an uneasy look at Jane, who only gave him an assuring smile in return. Just as he were about to reconsider literally all of his past choices, the door slowly creaks open, hesitantly at first, before gaining a more committed swing as the person in the house saw who it was on the other side.
An older woman stood at the door. She was a few inches shorter than him despite being many years his senior, and her fair, blonde hair had become noticeably tinged with streaks of grey from age. "Thor." She spoke simply. "It's good to see you. Please, come in." She stepped back into the house, leaving room for the couple to enter before she shut the door behind them. A comforting warmth immediately enveloped the two.
"Röskva, it's been too long," Thor said, kicking off his shoes as to not track snow around. "Have you been well?"
She nodded. "As well as I can be." Röskva turned her attention to Jane, who was unlacing her boots as she was unable to just slip them off as easily as her fiancé. "You must be Ms. Foster. A pleasure."
Jane looked up from her shoes. "Huh- Oh yeah that's me-" She stood when she finally removed her footwear, reaching out to shake Röskva's hand. "A, uh, a pleasure to meet you too."
Röskva nodded, not shaking Jane's hand but still acknowledging her. Didn't really irritate her any less.
There was a moment of silence. It dragged on, tense and terse, clearly a result of ignoring the elephant in the room. Finally, after another moment, Thor spoke. His voice was low and solemn, holding undeniable strings of grief that wouldn't be missed by even the most unempathetic of sociopaths.
"How does mother fair?" He asked softly.
Röskva shook her head. "Not well. Her pain medication has made her delirious- she hasn't been thinking straight recently."
Thor's expression turned pained for just the briefest of moments before once again transforming into that solemn mask he seemed to always be wearing now. It was cracking, slowly, but there was just enough of a gap to see how much this was weighing on him. Jane placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, reassuring him at least slightly.
He nodded acceptingly. "And..." Hesitation. "How is the rest of her condition?"
"The cancer progresses, slowly, but due to the location it's not any less deadly. Doctors suspect she'll lose the functionality of her legs within the month."
Thor's breath left his lungs. It felt like he was choking, as if all air suddenly vanished and took with it any brain functionality he had, turning his thoughts into a muddled mess that was focused on one thing. Mother. "...May we see her?"
Röskva nods once more, wordlessly leading them down the hall. Jane couldn't help but feel like she's intruding, yet at the same time, she knew Thor would want her here.
The ceiling was tall and imposing, stretching at least three times her height under the support of large oak pillars that could've each been made out of a single tree. Everything was carved with intricate detail. There was filigree adorning banisters which lined a spiral staircase that twisted upward and out of her sight. She felt unbelievably out of place. Not only is she going to be meeting Thor's mom and dad for potentially the last time, (the former dying oh dear god) but she was not raised with wealthy parents. She's only been here a handful of times, and her attempts to keep herself from ogling at the detailed architecture was shameful. She was here to support Thor, and to focus on anything than that- what kind of wife would she be? Jane wondered if he knew where they were going. Her lack of familiarity with the estate was, irritating, to put it simply. With each step, her trepidation was building, not knowing when they would make a turn towards a room that held one of the most important people in the life of her betrothed.
When they stopped walking, Jane felt dread sink to the bottom of her stomach.
Röskva placed her hand on the silver handle attached to the door in front of her. She turned back to look at Thor, a frown adorning her face. "As I mentioned, her medication is... Altering her state of mind. Do be fast, she needs rest." Without any further words, she opened the door with a click. The only sound at first was the quiet squeak of the aging hinges.
But then he saw her.
"Thor..." Frigga spoke softly. Her voice was raspy from both disuse and weakness, and her skin was sunken and taught from the strain of her illness- but still- she smiled at him, something so joyous and pure it had no place as an expression of a dying woman. "You're finally here."
He took his place at a seat next to her bed, bringing his mothers hands into his as he attempted to repress the tears that were threatening to spill out the corners of his eyes. "Yes, Yes I am- I'm-" But what could he say? He had no excuse, no reason as to why he as her son had neglected to visit her all these years. "I-I'm sorry-" His voice broke off with a crack, peaking at the end as, finally, the dam broke and sobs were wracking through his body. "I should have come sooner, I shouldn't-"
Frigga looked up at him with a gaze of pure understanding, so clear and unjudgmental it only increased the guilt Thor felt. With her remaining reserves of strength, she sat up slowly in her bed, weakly wrapping her arms around him in a consoling hug that had him feeling as though he were a kid again. Remembrance of past childhood memories where he would receive similar comforts from her flashed to the forefront of his brain. With happy thoughts in his mind, he hesitantly hugged her back, hoping for, just a moment, that this was all a bad dream and things would soon return to the way they were. Where he would come home from school and she'd be there, the scent of freshly baked apple pie filling the air of their home as he'd run in from the front door and leap into her embrace, already prepared to explain how his day was.
But the illusion was shattered when he pulled away from her, instead replaced with a sickly, skeletal woman who somehow hasn't lost any of her vibrancy despite that. The realization broke his heart.
"Oh Mother... I'm sorry the Norns unfairly treat you so."
She smiled sadly and shook her head, sitting back as she did so. Before she could respond, a furious, heaving cough rattled her frame, sounding as if there were nothing to truly expel behind it, but rather was just an act of retribution from her body to show how truly ill she was. When the fit finally subsided she was clearly exhausted, talking deep, heaving breaths in an attempt to pull as much oxygen into her lungs as possible.
The room was set in a solemn silence before Frigga finally asked- "How is Loki? He hasn't come to see me yet. I hope he's been well- poor boy always had such a hard time taking care of himself." Her words were jaunty enough, but to everyone in the room- and especially Thor, who was burdened with the task of responding to the inquiry- they found a deep-seated dread pitted in their stomachs.
"Mother..." Thor said slowly, hesitating, as if speaking the truth too suddenly would strengthen her delusions. "I haven't seen Loki in almost two years now- you know this."
Frigga's expression twisted into confusion before morphing toward something upset and dismayed. "What do you mean you haven't seen him in two years? You swore you'd look after him, Thor." Her tone was even and calm, but just beneath the mask, there was a thin sliver of alarm that ran through her, noticeable only by the way her hands clasped firmly together in a manner that was only done when she was disconcerted.
Thor placed a hand on her shoulder. His attempt to relieve any of the anxiety that was currently fraying her every nerve was essentially useless. With a reluctant sigh, he spoke. "Mother-" A sharp inhale. "Loki's been at the mental hospital. Both you and father agreed that was the best place for him."
Realization washed over her face for the briefest of moments as if she were recalling the most simple of facts, before not a second later, despair radiated from her in any way it could make itself known. It was stifling, the pure grief that suddenly replaced her worry. "Oh Thor-" She choked out. "You must bring him back home. I-I won't have him still be there while I'm dying- I refuse it. Please, let me see my boy one last time before-" Violent coughs took over her words, lungs unable to keep up with the hiccuping sobs that hindered her intake of oxygen.
Thor moved the hand on her shoulder to her back, hoping to reduce her pain. He tried to ignore the tiny flecks of blood that stained her white sheets when a particularly violent cough overcame her. When the heaving once again ceased, the conversation did not, with Frigga instead choosing to choke out any word she could. "Please, Thor... Bring him... Back to me."
"My lady-" Röskva suddenly interjected. "I believe it's time to take your second set of medication." She grabbed his bicep and gently pulled him away from Frigga, slowly leading him over to where Jane was silently sitting. Her expression was not only solemn and troubled, but also held tinges of confusion and unasked questions.
"Would you two be willing to wait outside?" Röskva asked.
Jane nods while Thor responds with a simple, "Of course."
The door shuts behind them with a click. They both place themselves on a seat that was truly more of an outcropping from the wall. The sturdy oak creaked underneath them at the sudden increase in weight. More out of age than strain Jane was sure, but that did nothing to lessen her mild unease. It was a large enough ledge to provide a brief respite to those who wished to lounge for a moment, but would undoubtedly grow more uncomfortable as the time passed.
Thor rests his elbows on his knees and, with slight tremors making their way through his hands, places them over his face. The trembling spreads to the rest of him and before long his entire body is shaking. Not another moment later, she can hear it. He's crying. His breaths are uneven and convulsive; sobs making it difficult to take in a full lung of oxygen before it is forcefully expelled- only returning through grief-stricken gasps.
Sympathy washes over her in a wave so crippling she almost feels it flood over her head and begin drowning her in the weight of their shared emotions. She instinctually wraps her arms around him. No words were needed- not right now. She could feel the unsteady beating of his heart where her arms met his chest. It seems to skip a beat every few moments before picking up again at a rapid pace. He slowly returns her embrace. His grip encompassing her is firm despite the tremors still plaguing his body. They stay like that for the next few moments, content to just be in each other's company and support. Another beat passes before finally, Thor pulls away from her with visible reluctance.
He speaks softly. "I can't do this, Jane..." His voice trails off with a crack that breaks her heart.
Her eyebrows draw together in confusion. "What are you talking about, Thor? I know you can. You're so, so unbelievably strong. You've already done so well dealing with all this that when Frigga-"
Thor shakes his head. He puts his hands over hers. "Not her..." He hesitates. "Him."
Jane feels her mouth go dry. "Loki."
He nods.
She inhales sharply through her nose. She's only ever faced Loki a handful of regrettable times before he was admitted. He was sixteen at the time of their first meeting- she being just on the cusp of twenty-one. Her and Thor had been dating for a little over six months.
~~~
"Jane! It's so lovely to finally meet you!" Frigga's voice was filled with honey-like warmth. It was open and inviting, so unbelievably friendly such a tone shouldn't be possible. Her entire demeanor immediately melted away any premeditated anxieties about meeting Thor's parents. Her sudden yet brief embrace was exactly what you'd expect from a mother as well. It was consoling and cordial, reminding Jane almost painfully of her own mom so many years ago.
"Same to you," Jane replied with genuine admiration. They shook hands- which seemed a bit backward considering they hugged just moments earlier- but hey, whatever works for introductions. "I've been kinda nervous about this for a while, so, uh- thanks for not being too-" She waves her hands as if to illustrate the exact word she was thinking of.
"Overbearing?" Frigga supplied.
Jane smiled. "That's exactly it."
"You seem like a good lady, Jane, I have no doubt you will treat Thor well. I would not settle for anything less." Frigga's expression was gracious and open, pure fondness radiating from her. "Now come-!" She suddenly starts leading Jane into the kitchen. "Help me cook, will you? Thor hasn't been home in so long and I really would like to make his favorite. Do you know how to prepare Ribbe?"
Jane follows behind her with a laugh. "I'm sure I can follow your instructions."
The next few minutes pass in relative comfort and ease. The two of them managed to work out a system fairly quickly in regards to cooking. Jane would do prep work while Frigga would focus more on the specification with how she liked to make a meal. It was reminiscently familiar to Jane. Mother and she would cook often- not unlike now- and prepare large family meals back when they were all together. The thought brings a sad smile to her face.
Before Jane can continue her train of thought, a sudden noise interrupts the extended yet comfortable silence that had fallen between her and Frigga. It was the sound of a door slamming, and heavy, angry steps soon following it. Frigga sighs and puts down the knife she was slicing tomatoes with.
Not too long after, Thor appears in the doorway. His gaze is facing the floor as he drags a hand through his hair, letting out a frustrated huff of breath. "Insufferable..." He mumbles bitterly. As if remembering where he was, Thor suddenly snaps his head up to look at the two of them- a cheery grin replacing his aggravated expression. Jane could still see lines of tension mar the sides of his eyes. "I'm glad to see the two of you are getting along well! Not as if I expected any less, but- did you prepare Ribbe? Oh mother you haven't the need."
Frigga threw Thor an unimpressed look as she turned to face him. "Were you arguing with your father again?" The tone of her voice suggested she already knew the answer. "You know how I feel about such discussions while the family is gathered."
Thor's posture slumps. He lets out an exhausted sigh before he speaks, true wariness unlike what Jane has seen before being reflected in his expression. "He would have me inherit a company I have no interest in heading. Despite what I have told him he continues to press."
"He only hopes for you to reconsider," Frigga says softly.
"I fail to see why he can't he just have Loki take over; he'd be far better suited for it than I-"
"You know why," She suddenly hissed. The tone was unexpected for Jane. It was the last thing she'd think to hear come from what she had perceived as a relatively calm woman.
Thor sighs once more. "Yes, I suppose I do."
The silence that followed between the three was unexpectedly heavy. Frigga looked torn between just turning away and continuing to slice tomatoes or adding onto the conversation.
Thor looked to Jane. His expression changed from stony wariness to silent acquiescence. He decided drop the topic while she was here. "Is Loki not home yet, Mother? I haven't seen him in so very long." His voice was deceptively even.
Despite the attempt at a tone shift, the air remained heavy and terse. Frigga's chaste response reflected it perfectly. "He has night school," She replied. "Shouldn't be back too long now."
As if on cue, the sound of the front door opening could be heard. The hinges squeaked with protest and the oak rasped from strain as it swung open before in the next moment, it was being shut once more.
"Mother?" A voice called out. "I have returned. My apologies for being late- I got quite caught up. I hope I haven't caused you to worry too much of substance."
Both Frigga's and Thor's faces immediately lit up. Thor practically barreled through the hallway as fast as he could while Frigga just followed gracefully behind, holding a far more patient and practiced stride. Jane walked close after her as to not be left alone in the kitchen. That'd be awkward.
"Little brother!" Thor exclaimed.
When Jane turned the corner, she saw Thor attempting to pull someone- who one could only assume to be Loki- into a bone-crushing hug. (Something which was clearly being protested to by the other as he attempted to weasel his way out of the elder's grip)
"It has been so long!" He continued.
"Yes yes-" Loki began. "Though do release me soon- I quite enjoy my lungs intact."
Thor at least had the audacity to look embarrassed as he pulled away.
When Loki's eyes landed on Frigga, a grin immediately broke out over his face. He looked prepared to approach her before he noticed Jane peeking out behind her side. A brief flurry of emotions integrated themselves into his expression before being wiped away completely. His gaze meeting hers was cold and steely- as if his glare alone would be enough to turn her to ice. Despite herself, Jane felt oddly disconcerted.
"Loki Odinson-" Frigga suddenly interjected, voice aghast. She walked towards her youngest, placing a finger along a scrape that marred the side of his face. He subtly winced as she did so. "Another fight-? Honestly, Loki, that's the fourth one this week. This must stop."
Loki huffed. "It's not my fault they're always looking for conflict."
Frigga's expression was skeptical. "There seems to be a constant variable with all these skirmishes, dear: You."
"Do you think I seek them out?"
"I know you most certainly don't avoid such things."
"Yes, and why should I? Let them insult me at their own peril."
"Oh don't dissuade him from a genuine brawl, Frigga." A low timbre voice suddenly interjected. Everyone turned their head to the source of the sound. "It is good that he learns to defend himself. Did you win, boy?"
It was Odin. Jane would recognize the man anywhere. The air he gave off was one of supremacy and power, and she didn't like it one bit. Thor's eyes visibly narrowed at his father's presence, but if such a piercing gaze was noticed, Odin deftly ignored it.
"Of course," Loki curtly responded.
"Then I am sure you fought justly." He huffed. "May you bring further honor to your forefathers."
"Honorable battling is not in my repertoire, father," Loki spoke cynically. "I fail to see how such a thing as honor could weigh in conflict."
Odin's eyes narrowed. "It'd do you well to recall. I will not endorse any son of mine being a coward."
There was no hesitation in the response, but even if there was, it wouldn't have made a difference. The words were so biting you could feel them digging their sharp teeth into your skin. The air seemed to crystallize as it took on a sharp and deadly cold edge.
"Then it is a good thing I'm not your son."
Breathing at that moment seemed deafeningly loud.
Jane could feel Frigga tense stiffly next to her.
Odin's expression of growing anger simmered off into cool and detached aloofness. The sight in of itself was perhaps more terrifying than the visible emotion and rage earlier displayed.
Thor was shuffling from one foot to another, clearly uncomfortable with the situation but unsure how to proceed. Frigga remained still as a statue while Loki and Odin continued to glower.
The slight odor of smoke and burn replaces the icy air.
Frigga's eyes abruptly widen as she turns to Jane.
"We left the Ribbe cooking-"
~
They ended up ordering takeout.
Needless to say, dinner was awkward- with the only sound occasionally being wooden chopsticks meeting the bottom of a paper container.
~
Returning to their room was a breath of fresh air.
"So what was that all about?" Jane hesitantly asked.
No one had stayed around long after the end of their meal. Odin had finished first, declaring he had work to do before disappearing behind heavy the oak doors that marked the entrance to his study. Most of the tension left with him, but it was still largely palpable. Frigga tried to make conversation, though it regularly fell flat, met with one-worded responses from her youngest and nothing to go off of from the elder.
Jane (despite her obvious lack of social skills) attempted to dredge up her own scraps of dialogue. Thor was much more receptive talking with her. She was content listening to him enthusiastically tell stories in that boisterous voice of his that could always seem to light up a room. Emboldened by her lover's amenable response to talk, she turned her attention to the youngest.
Loki was a sharp contrast in appearance to the rest of the family. Compared to their golden hair and tanned skin, it was a wonder he didn't find out he was adopted sooner than a few weeks ago.
Jane's attempt at conversation with him was shot down faster than Frigga's- with twice as much coldness being held in his words.
"Hm?" Thor responded from his seat at the edge of the bed. He was preparing for sleep, removing his shirt and tossing it to the floor in an unorganized heap. "What was what about?"
"Your brother," Jane clarified. "I think he hates me."
Thor laughs. "He's like that with most everybody new he meets. I'm sure you two will get along marvelously one day. My brother is one of the smartest people I know, next to you of course, and could most likely provide you with some intelligent talk of science."
She definitely discovered his intelligence. But, perhaps most regrettably, not through science.
She wishes it could've been.
~~~
The hospital was a pristine, sterilized white, somehow managing to absorb any darkness without emitting any light itself. The halls were long and undetailed, the only noticeable difference between the snow-colored doors being, occasionally, some piece of abstract art or motivational image. Sometimes there would be a posted warning or rule, so conspicuous you'd question what had happened prior to have such a note made. 'No sharp objects beyond this point' leading into the visiting room was one of them.
Thor hates this place.
It's where they left his brother. Where he's been for the past two years. Thor couldn't bring himself to visit, no matter how much the guilt ate at him, poked at the back of his brain and constantly reminded him what an awful brother he was. He couldn't do it. Seeing Loki hospitalized like a madman (like the madman he is, stop denying it) was something he convinced himself he was unable to face. But now he was being forced to- at least once- just to see if he's improved. If he can leave. If he can see their mother one last time before she dies.
Silently, he wishes that nothing has changed- that he won't have to face the guilt of abandoning Loki- before he forcefully shoves the thought away and instead feels a needle of guilt begin working itself into his skull. What a horrible person he is. Hoping his brother is still too ill to leave so he doesn't have to deal with his self-inflicted consequences.
But if he can leave, then what? Does he stay with mother-? No, father won't allow it. He can't just have his little brother on his own, Thor knows something would go wrong, knows that Loki, while terrifyingly intelligent, still often neglects to take care of himself. He promised to look out for him. He'd be defaulting on that promise if he were to abandon his brother again so soon.
What seemed to be all too soon, he was at the door. Room 139.
Jane looks up at him with concern. "Will you be alright?"
Thor lets out a shaky exhale, squeezing his hands together- half in an attempt to halt the tremors wracking through them and half to force out all his trepidation through his grip. Slowly he nods.
The nurse who was leading them turns towards the two. "No more than one visitor in the room at a time. There will be a guard stationed at the door. You have 40 minutes." Her voice was clipped, professional. To the point and without room for emotion.
Thor couldn't tell if he appreciated that or not.
He shakes his head in confirmation.
The nurse returns her attention back to the door. There was a window built into the frame. Wire mesh was fused into the glass, crossing over in a pattern similar to that of a chain link fence. Through the gaps, Thor could see him- just barely. His back was turned, but Thor would recognize that distinct black hair anywhere.
The metallic clink of a lock being slid out of place was the only warning Thor had before he was being ushered into the room.
Loki didn't turn to face him despite the noise. The only noticeable acknowledgment was the slight tensing of his clasped together hands on the table.
Thor hesitated to walk over. Each of his steps seemed far too loud in the empty room, echoing and reverberating back at him with deafening exaggeration. He pulled out the chair across the table and winced at the sound it made. He swallowed. Trepidation was running through him, fraying his nerves, so much so Thor found himself replicating Loki and placing his hands together on the table.
A pause, a deep breath, and an internal countdown before he finally spoke.
"It's been a while."
There was a beat of silence that followed. Thor felt air catch in his lungs at the lack of immediate response. Each of his muscles was taught, tense with anxiety that had only released when he heard Loki hum with pensive thought.
He turned away from Thor, looking out the window- also barred with wire crossings- before letting out a sigh. "Indeed it has. Why may that be, brother?"
Thor felt himself go rigid once more, casting his eyes unwittingly to the floor in absolute shame and guilt, feeling different emotions hit in waves that enveloped him in a cold chill, like a blanket made of ice. "Because I am a coward." He finally confessed lowly. Such an awful person he was, to ignore his brother when he needed him to be there most. Truly despicable.
He was going to continue his bout of internal self-loathing before the cool, calm voice of his brother cut in- surprisingly even in tone.
"It's okay-" Their eyes met. Thor felt the tension in his body unwind at the lack of anger in Loki's expression. "I understand. I would've done the same in your situation." He pauses for a moment. "How fairs mother?"
A lie slips out. "She is well." Such a response was automatic, something he'd say without thought any day, as for most of the time, it'd be true. But this was a horrific falsitude to tell. With guilt eating at his insides, he continues with only the briefest moment of hesitance. "As is father. They both miss you greatly." Thor knew Loki would rather not hear how Odin was. Any news on his wellbeing to his brother was bad news. Other than if he were, perhaps, dying. But still, better to inform him than rather than pretend their father didn't exist.
"Well, yes," Loki began bitterly. "I would love to be there visiting with her, but unfortunately, I'm stuck here at their admittance."
Thor grimaced. "How have you been?" He suddenly asked. "Do they treat you well?"
The question seemed to take Loki by surprise at first. It was as if he were expecting Thor to contest his abhorrence with being confined, but was instead taken aback by the subject change rather than his brother's usual tendency to continue pressing. It was an unexpected change in character.
Loki huffed. "Too much so. They treat me as if I'm a petulant child who needs to be reminded of what to do every moment of my life. It's insulting. Every day it's just fake smiles and even more fake positivity. I know they think I'm a hopeless case- and I don't resent them for that. I would as well."
Thor's expression turned sympathetic, eyebrows coming together in thought as he pondered Loki's situation. "I see..." He said solemnly. "Have you at least become companions with anyone here? It's been a while."
"Everyone is in and out," Loki spoke bluntly. "I'm one of the most long-term patients here- many are gone within a year at most. The only people I see regularly are at my mandatory group therapy sessions." His voice eventually became more bitter, laced with not only abhorrence, but something else Thor was familiar with but just couldn't place. "They expect me to learn empathy from them. As if- schizos and bipolars are going to teach me anything. I'm supposed to be able to relate to them, Thor, but I can't, no matter how hard I try. I can't seem to be able to dredge up a single scrap of sympathy to share with these strangers..." His voice broke off, taking on a fractured, hopeless pitch. "What is wrong with me, brother? Why can't I just be normal? Why did I have to be born this way-? A hopeless monster."
Thor could feel his heart break. Instinctually, he reaches across the table and pulls Loki's hands in his. They're small enough to be enveloped completely. He can feel their bony edges digging into his palms, making Thor question if this place was really helping his little brother for him to be in such a state. "You are no monster, Loki, regardless of what you or anyone may tell yourself."
"Father doesn't seem to think so."
Thor feels his mouth go dry. "You will be able to prove him wrong. I will get you out of here, I promise."
Loki's face immediately becomes cautiously joyous. "Do you- I" He looks to the side. "Do you swear it? Do you truly, honestly swear it? I can't- how will you do such a thing?"
He feels a weight on his chest.
"I will figure something out."
~
And figure something out he did. Just over an hour later, Thor was signing Loki's release papers against Jane's advisement- (you know how he is, Thor, it's too soon) but he made a promise. He's already broken far too many in his life. This one, he would keep.
Which is how Loki ended up occupying the guest room at their apartment.
It was all surprisingly domestic.
After returning to the flat, Loki immediately declared he would fix dinner for the two in an attempt to thank them for all they have done in the past few hours. Shockingly enough, he's actually a decent chef when he wants to cook things for other people. A shame he never wants to for himself.
Both Thor and Jane sat on the Sofa while Loki worked in the background. Jane was reading yet another book (Lovecraft this time around, proof that she does deviate from physics) while Thor was content to just observe their fish swimming around in their tank.
Skaði and Jörmungandr.
Gifts to both he and Loki from Odin and Frigga respectively. Thor remembers the day that they had gotten their aquatic friends. He recalls being quite unimpressed, saying, "a mighty companion fish do not make-" but Odin had quickly dismissed his comment, knowing that what he had really been hoping for was a dog. A dog, however, simply wasn't practical for their family. Frigga was allergic and it was rare for anyone to even be home throughout the day. Odin commented on Thor's lack of free time and he, the fool, said he would drop any afterschool activities just for a chance to have a dog. That line had been the nail in the coffin. Odin had huffed and went on to say that if a dog were to pull his attention away from things he enjoyed, then that was even more reason not for him to have one. Thor vividly remembers Loki snickering quietly next to Frigga at his poor word choice. He had been about to argue with Odin again, but a steely glare from his father put an end to the conversation, resulting in his acquiescence.
So that's how he owns fish.
Speaking of fish, the smell of fried fillets permeated the room, something pleasant and familiar that reminded Thor of Frigga's cooking- something he hasn't enjoyed in many years. He promptly shoves away the thought that he may never be able to again.
The conversation over dinner was surprisingly amenable.
Loki was much more cordial with Jane than he ever had been at any other point in his life, and such a change, sincerely, left Thor hopeful for the future.
"How has that theory of yours been coming along, Jane? Last I heard (which was many years ago mind you) it was just starting to get its legs."
Jane suddenly lit up with enthusiasm. "No no no- okay but this is actually great- I have some hypotheses on an Einstein-Rosen Bridge that could revolutionize our understandings of physics as we know it." She pushes her plate to the side and replaces it with a notepad and pen that had been sitting on another table. She flips it open to the back and starts scrawling down notes. "So hypothetically speaking, to stabilize a wormhole, you would need some very exotic type of matter. A matter that would be able to contain a negative energy density and a large negative pressure. Now up until recently, it's been believed that no such thing could exist in the universe, but I believe that-" Jane suddenly cut herself off. "Sorry, this isn't very good dinner talk." She made a move to put the notepad away.
Loki shook his head dismissively. "Oh no please continue- I'm quite interested in what you have to say."
That was all the prompting Jane needed.
Thor could only smile and listen while he washed dishes.
Eventually, the hours passed, and Thor had to convince his fiance to halt her discussions for the day so she may go to bed.
"You have work in the morning!"
"Yes but I'm almost-"
"Nope, bed."
"I'm a tax-paying adult, you can't make me do anything!"
He ended up having to carry her out over his shoulder.
~~
"I think the hospital was really good for your brother. He hasn't been that nice to me in... Ever."
"Yes, I believe the same thing. Although, he claims being there was quite horrid- that he never learned anything from anyone. I'm glad that's not true."
"Yeah, I guess it did more than he thought."
"I suppose so."
~~
The next few days passed in relative tranquility.
Thor was elated to have his brother back in his life- with the addition that he actually seemed to be fairing much better mentally this time around- far more so when comparing to the manipulative and violent youth he had been a couple of years ago.
Jane would spend much of her time enthusiastically talking about astrophysics with Loki. He was surprisingly knowledgable, even up against Jane, which left Thor feeling ever so slightly left out- but he was far too happy to really mind.
Things seemed to settle into a routine, something he couldn't be any happier about. Stability was more than welcome currently.
It went something like this:
Thor is often first to bed, wakes up for work, gets dressed, feeds the fish, and heads out the door.
Jane would usually soon follow him to sleep yet arise before him, taking the time to boil some tea and see him off before he left.
Loki would always fall asleep last. He tended to be out of bed after Thor had left but before Jane, often taking time out of his morning to make her breakfast.
It was all surprisingly domestic.
At first, Thor was reluctant to leave Loki alone, more out of past instinct than actual concern, but all it took was a few place words from the youngest to remove the remainder of his worries.
His brother was 19, after all, he could make his own choices.
~~
The clock's piercing red lettering stung his eyes as they slowly opened, almost immediately wanting to clamp shut again upon the bright intrusion. This was a feeling he was used to by now. It took a moment, but his vision soon cleared away the blurry haze to read: 4:36 AM.
Awesome, four more minutes in bed.
Yet, of course, that brief respite passed all too quickly, and Thor was forced to pull himself out of the sheets with a groan. Jane wasn't next to him, he quickly gathered, meaning that she had either left in the night with that criminally seductive Brazilian pilot she met a week ago, or she was already awake. He assumed it was the former, considering anyone waking up at such an hour willingly was clearly less likely.
The floor was icy on his feet, sharply reminding him that he really needed to invest in either carpet or slippers. Maybe both.
As he walked down the hall that led the den, he took a moment to peak into his brother's room to check- yep, still breathing. Good. A dead body sounds like a lot of paperwork.
Man, he's tired.
Why does he do this job again?
Right. Money, and bills, and taxes.
He yawned as he walked into the living room, reminding himself that, yes, he does actually have animals to feed as his hazy eyes landed on the aquarium sitting on its pedestal.
He grabbed the food for the fish on the side table only to see- they weren't moving. Not a twitch of motion came from them. Skaði and Jörmungandr were floating aimlessly through the tank, and, upon closer inspection, trails of blood seemed to be rising up from their eyes, muddying the water and discoloring it briefly before it was quickly filtered away. Thor felt all exhaustion be snapped from his mind. Dread began to pit in his stomach, reaching up through him and constricting around his heart and lungs, seeming to cease their normal functioning. He took a step closer, looking down into the tank from above. The liquid had a pungent, fruity smell.
It took him a moment before he reached a sudden realization- the recognition coming sharply forward to the front of his mind.
Anti-freeze. Someone added anti-freeze into the water. The deduction left him feeling hollow, empty, pure numbness stealing any emotion he could muster while overcoming the shock.
And suddenly, it hit him.
Loki.
It must've been Loki.
Jane loved those two fish almost as much as he, there's no conceivable reason she would do something like that.
The thought left him sick. Without prompt, the thought of his little brother, face devoid of any visible emotion, casually pouring the toxic chemicals into the water without reaction invaded his mind. He could imagine Loki impassively watching as the two fish choked on the lethal addition into their habitat, before eventually succumbing to a painful and extended death, organ failure ultimately taking their lives. Then finally, face just as blank as before, he leaves the corpses to float around their now poisoned home, and simply heads to bed.
The idea leaves Thor both terrified and enraged.
He let out a shaky exhale, throat becoming inexplicably dry as he swallowed down the growing unease that seemed to undermine him, taking its form as bile that wanted to rise up out of his stomach. He grabbed a pair of rubber gloves from Jane's desk and stretched them over his hands before he began to scoop the fish out of the toxic water and place them in a bowl he grabbed moments earlier. Both of them still remained unmoving, continuing to leak a steady stream of blood from their eyes and mouth that began to pool at the bottom of the dish.
Thor sighed. He felt inconceivably guilty for the fate of his childhood pets (technically Jörmungandr belonged to Loki, but he'd had the second fish in his possession for so many years it hardly mattered). If he hadn't brought his brother home when he was still deemed unwell, none of this would have happened, and they would still be alive. But his hope that, perhaps, Loki had changed enough that he may be released, at least for a time, while their mother still lived, clouded his judgment dearly.
He peeled the plastic gloves off his hands with caution before tossing them into the trash.
Thor had to talk to his brother.
He made his way down the hall, locating the currently occupied guest room, where his monster of a sibling resided (he could already hear his mother reprimanding voice for using such a word to describe Loki, but she wasn't here and these were his thoughts, and frankly, no other word seemed to fit any more perfect).
Thor looked down at Loki. His younger brother was sleeping peacefully, face completely devoid of any guilt or emotion he may be experiencing for the murder of their childhood pets. That realization made Thor feel sick. The fact that his once outwardly normal sibling had become this- someone who could mutilate an animal without thought, evolving into a person so sick and twisted from a once innocent child that-
Then a realization struck Thor- with the force of a mac truck. He acted surprised, as to how someone could change so much, but in reality, Loki had changed the least out of anyone in the family. He'd always been- while not necessarily a violent kid- there forever was a cruelness that could only be bred from the most blatant lack of compassion and deep-seated sadism. Despite Loki's general absence of empathy towards most of the world, Thor was sure his sibling loves at least one person- their mother. There wasn't a speck of doubt in his mind. But, despite the sentimentality he held towards a select few close to him, his younger brother was capable of doing some truly despicable things. When Thor had brought home a toad he had purchased for Loki on his one of his adventures (to the local Petco), Loki had taken the unnamed animal from its lightly furnished Tupperware habitat, and then proceeded to remove its back legs with a dull steak knife.
When asked why he'd do such a thing by a completely mortified Frigga, Loki simply responded with, "to see how it'll try and keep moving despite its inability to do so. Admirable, yes?" As if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He seemed almost confused by their mother's horrified reaction. His family had ignored the warning signs for many years, thinking Loki's occasional harm towards animals was a result of lack of care, not malicious intent (although Thor doubted Loki ever saw it as malicious). They ignored the odd comments, his vapid fascination with violence and weaponry. They ignored it all for as long as possible. But finally, with the very deliberate act of brutality against the toad, Frigga and Odin reluctantly agreed to see if there was something wrong with their boy (and there was, dear god there was, and how they couldn't have seen it until so many were harmed still troubled Thor to this day).
Finally gathering the nerve to wake Loki, Thor grabbed his brother's shoulder with perhaps a tad more strength than was necessary and shook him with just enough force to pull him from whatever dreams he may be having. Slowly, Loki shrugged Thor's hand off him, looking up at his brother with a mix of grogginess and annoyance. Thor crossed his arms, glaring down expectantly.
"...What?" Loki finally asked. He seemed genuinely confused as to why Thor woke him, a reaction of which only made the simmering fury within the elder continue to boil.
"What do you mean 'what-?'" Thor glowered, clenching his teeth together in an effort to avoid yelling at his brother. He knew doing so would only make things worse. "You know 'what,' Loki, I'm not in the mood for games."
"I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific."
"Skaði and Jörmungandr!" Thor finally shouted, throwing his arms out in exasperation. "You killed our fish!"
Loki's eyes finally lit up with realization, but there was still the lacings of confusion behind them, becoming more apparent as soon as he realized how enraged his brother truly was. "Yes that was I, but-" He scanned Thor's face, seeming to search for any other emotion behind the blanket of anger that was currently plastered over it. "But I fail to understand why you are so upset. I was bored. They're just animals."
Thor had to actively resist lashing out, yelling with all the fury he could muster at Loki and his lack of understanding. It was difficult, with wrath coursing through his veins the didn't want to subside, telling him that what he was feeling is justified, to react, let out his anger, find an outlet-
But he couldn't. He wouldn't let himself be like Odin.
He knew Loki didn't understand how awful what he had done was- and he never could. His brother was a sociopath. A lack of empathy wasn't something that could be taught through therapy or replaced with medication. Loki wasn't normal, and he couldn't ever be.
He didn't become a good person. He learned how to pretend.
Finally, Thor sighed, letting out most of his anger with an exhale that burned his throat. "The fact you don't understand is a sign you are still ill, Loki, contrary to what you may claim or what you said to the doctors to convince them otherwise. You are clearly not well. You shouldn't have been released yet."
He saw Loki's hands clench at his sides, seeming to itch for the comforting grip of a weapon in them, adding to his unease that seemed to be twisting through Thor every moment the conversation continued. But he knew Loki wouldn't hurt him. They weren't especially close, but they were still brothers, and for that reason, the younger would never harm him. Not like he did to Sif.
"Do you intend to send me back?" Loki finally hissed. There was such venom lacing his words that Thor felt it sting his being with the pure abhorrence that was carried within them.
There was a tense silence between them. The air was heavy and sharp, making it almost twice as difficult for Thor to pull oxygen into his lungs, it seeming to resist the very notion, and when it was unable to do as such any longer, it began to stab at his insides with tiny daggers that dragged themselves along his organs. He sighed. "If you cannot pull yourself together I'll have no choice." Thor was going to continue to elaborate, but before he could do so, his brother suddenly spoke, words so low and dark Thor could feel them wrap around his throat and stifle his breathing.
"I'll kill her."
Thor felt all his blood immediately drain, instead replaced with rapidly stricken horror that quickened his heart rate, now taking in more of the air that felt as if glass shards were floating in it.
"W-What-?" He finally stuttered out, unable to keep the tremor from his voice.
"Jane," Loki clarified. "Your fiance. Whatever you wish to call her- I'll cut the life from her if you send me back."
Thor's eyes widened before his expression morphed into an enraged sneer. "If you hurt her, I'll never forgive you." Contrary to his outward anger, inside he was completely horrified. The notion of his fiance being harmed by someone was who was his responsibly left him feeling inconceivably hollow.
"I know you won't. Which is why I hope it will not come to that." Loki gave him a soft smile, not even slightly exposing that he had just been speaking of murdering his beloved mere moments ago. "Now-" Suddenly he stood, clasping his hands together in an exaggerated motion as he pulled himself onto his feet from the bed. Despite the minute height advantage, Thor couldn't help but feel minuscule next to his brother. "If I remember correctly, you have to be leaving for work in the next two minutes. I'll take care of breakfast, don't worry."
That's not what Thor was worried about and Loki knew it. The thought of leaving him and Jane alone in the same house left him ill. "I swear to god if you hurt her I'll-"
"I will not," Loki interjected. "So long as you hold up your end of our, ah, agreement here.
Thor remained silent. A beat passed where no one spoke, until finally, he answered, "I am going to tell Jane I'm departing." He turned to leave the room, just about to do so until he heard-
"Do be careful with your messages towards her, dear brother, lest she is told something she's better off not knowing."
Thor left wordlessly, vexation radiating off him in palpable waves that only seemed to amuse Loki more, solely serving to irritate and disturb the elder further.
When he reentered the kitchen, Jane was sitting at the counter, a warm cup of tea in her hand and a physics book in the other, so engrossed into the latter she didn't notice him enter the room until he'd scooped his keys from the counter and into his hand.
"Oh-!" She blurted in surprise. "Sorry, I didn't see you come in... Are you off to work?"
Thor was about to respond, warn her about his brother in any way he could- before he caught the sudden appearance of Loki in the doorframe, leaning against the wall in a casual manner intended to look friendly, but was undoubtedly an act, a ploy to make sure Thor knew he was listening.
Ignoring him for now, Thor turned his attention back to Jane, giving her a smile that he hopes to all forces above looked genuine. "I am."
Jane stood up and pulled him into a hug. She was content just feeling him embrace her for a moment, his comforting warmth offering a sense of familiarity that was consistent in her recently displaced life. However, her attention piqued as soon as she noticed the slight tremor that ran through her beloved as she held him. "Thor?" She quietly asked.
He remained silent for a moment before tightening his grip, as if he might lose her if he let go, before whispering into her ear. "If he does anything to you, tell me." His words were soft yet urgent, conveying a sense of panic that was only added to by his increased shaking.
Before she could question him further, he pulled away from her, throwing her a grin that had the traces of something solemn and was most definitely intended to look far more jubilant. "I'll be back around 8," he spoke. "Stay out of trouble, you two." The words were said with a teasing nature, but there was something else, just underneath them, that she couldn't place. It made her feel uneasy.
As soon as Thor left out the front door, lock sliding into place as punctuated by a soft click, Loki turned towards her, expression shifted into a cheery simper that melted away her anxieties.
"So, what would you like for breakfast, Jane?"