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After school Cyrus finds himself back at the swings. For the first time ever costume day has well and truly sucked, which is awful because costume day is meant to be one of the best days of the year. He still can’t believe TJ bailed on him like he did.
The thing is, Cyrus is used to getting embarrassed. He’s used to being uncertain in social situations and not quite feeling comfortable in his own skin and all of the general awkwardness that comes with being a teenager, but usually he forgets all of that around TJ. He doesn’t understand it. The ‘summer-salt’ idea had been TJ’s in the first place and he’d sounded so excited by it in the beginning. It had made Cyrus float around in a pleased daze all afternoon as a result. What happened in between then and Friday morning and why couldn’t TJ talk to him about it?
It was a little humiliating, and now he doesn’t even feel like swinging properly, so he just drags his feet back and forth slowly across the ground. A shadow falls across the woodchips below him and he squints up to see who it is.
“Can I sit?” TJ asks with an apologetically hopeful expression on his face. Cyrus just gives him an half shrug as a response, unsure of what to say. He feels like an idiot.
TJ takes the swing next to him and taps an anxious finger against his knee. “I’m sorry for not calling you about the costume change.”
Cyrus thinks this over for a moment then shakes his head. “I don’t get it. I don’t understand any of this. Doing a costume together was your idea TJ… if you don’t want to, then why did you ask in the first place?”
“I did want to!” He says hurriedly, then sighs. “I did, Cyrus. I just… I messed up, okay? And I’m sorry.”
There’s a beat of heavy silence and then Cyrus turns towards him slightly. “I didn’t even know you and Kira were friends.”
That’s probably the worst thing about all of this. Cyrus has met Kira. He knows she’s a bully. She’s mean spirited and rude and behaves like TJ used to, and he finds himself thinking maybe it’s not so surprising that they get along and that’s awful because TJ put so much effort into becoming a better person.
TJ rubs the back of his neck and looks away. “We’re not, really,” he mumbles. “We just met.”
“What?” Cyrus asks, voice flat. He officially doesn’t know how to react to any of this.
“She came up to me the other day asking about joining the basketball team and stuff, and then you showed up and she left again, but the next time I saw her she asked if I wanted to do a costume-”
“And you’d rather do a costume with a girl you just met than with me?” He can’t really keep the hurt out of his voice. He would be okay with TJ wanting to do a different costume if only he’d just told him first. He sighs. “Look, it’s fine if you don’t… it’s fine. It’s fine if you like Kira and wanted to hang out with her and stuff but you could’ve just told me first instead of leaving me out to dry like that. It kind of sucked. We text all the time I just don’t get why you didn’t tell me.”
“Well, see that’s the thing!” TJ says. “I didn’t want to do a costume with her, not really… I even told her I was already doing one with you, but she-” he stops, cutting himself off all of a sudden and snapping his jaw shut. Cyrus stares at him, curiosity burning, and TJ won’t look him in the eye.
“What, TJ? What did she do?”
TJ mumbles something too quiet for Cyrus to hear.
“I didn’t catch that.”
He huffs and looks up. “I said, she made it seem weird. That I wanted to do a costume with you, instead of a girl.”
In all the time that they’ve known each other, Cyrus has never seen TJ look this uncomfortable before. He’s almost curled in on himself, shoulders hunched and picking at a loose thread on his pants, with a miserable look on his face. Realisation dawns on Cyrus all of a sudden.
“So you bailed on our costume,” he says slowly. “Because you were afraid it would look too gay.”
There’s a beat of silence and then TJ nods in one small jerky motion. Cyrus feels like a bucket of icy water has just been dumped over his head. He pushes up and off the swing and struggles to his feet. “I have to go.”
“No, wait- Cyrus!” He hears the rattle of the swing chains as TJ jumps off to follow him. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to escape him without actually breaking out into a full on run but he also knows if he turns around he might start crying and that would be awful. There’s a lump in his throat and a consstricting tightness in his chest and he kind of just wants to get home to fall face first into his bed and not emerge for the rest of the weekend. He feels so stupid.
See, there was a part of him that thought maybe he’d come out to TJ soon. He’d been psyching himself up to do it. He felt safe with him. Around TJ he never needed to be anyone but himself, but now…
“Cyrus, wait! Seriously!” TJ grabs his shoulder to stop him and he turns, not looking up.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. It becomes a mantra in his head.
“Let me explain,” the pleading tone of TJ’s voice is the only thing stopping him from turning back around and bolting. “I know it was stupid. I know I should’ve called you and talked to you about it. I should’ve told you about it,” his voice cracks slightly. “I got scared.”
“What do you have to be scared about?” He asks, voice hoarse.
Silence. He looks up and meets TJ’s eyes. TJ swallows.
Oh. Oh.
“You’re-”
“I’m not ready to come out yet,” TJ says quietly. “I didn’t… I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I should’ve talked to you.”
“You should’ve,” Cyrus agrees, then stumbles forward and pulls TJ into a hug. TJ wraps his arms around him without hesitation, burying his face in his shoulder. “And TJ?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not alone,” he takes a deep breath. “I’m gay too.”
TJ pulls back and looks at him. For a brief heart-stopping moment Cyrus thinks maybe he misread the situation and that’s not what TJ was trying to say at all, but then…
“Well that’s good,” TJ lets out a small choked laugh looking relieved. “Or it would’ve made asking you out really awkward.”
Cyrus stops functioning just for a second. “You were going to ask me out?”
He shifts, awkward again. “I’d been trying to think of a way… I wasn’t sure. I’m not ready to tell other people yet,” TJ explains. “But… I like you, Cyrus. I like you so much. So yeah, I was going to ask you out. When I figured out how.”
Cyrus bites his lip and smiles. “I’d say yes. If you did.”
“You would?”
He nods. “I like you too, TJ.”
They stand there just grinning at each other all dopey and pleased for a moment, then TJ frowns slightly. “I really am sorry for bailing on you. You deserved better than that.”
Cyrus shakes his head. “It’s okay. I understand. But… maybe you could make it up to me? I could use some baby taters. Wanna go to The Spoon?”
TJ beams at him. “I guess I can swing that. It’s a date.”
So maybe it wasn’t the worst costume day ever after all.