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"I'm... I'm gay."
The moment the words left his mouth, Ponyboy saw the facial expressions of the boys in front of him change. He swallowed thickly, trying to push down the lump of fear in his throat- he was a Greaser, damnit. He'd rather choke than cry in front of Steve or Darry- both of which who were currently staring at him from their seats on the living room couch, shock slapped across their faces.
All the gang was in the room, actually. Pony had called them all out and told them he had an important announcement. Darry, Steve, and Two-Bit were sitting on the couch, Sodapop leaning on the back of it while Ponyboy stood in front of the television set, shaking hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans as he waited for a response.
The room was silent. Ponyboy's eyes darted anxiously from face to face, lingering especially on Soda, whose expression was unreadable, picking out the shock and confusion on all of his best friends' faces.
Two-Bit was as usual the first to have something to say. "Oh, geez, Pony. I didn't see that coming." He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand and leaned forwards. "But kiddo, I've known ya forever. Ain't nothing that could make me leave ya. As long as you're sure..that you're.. you know?"
Ponyboy shifted nervously, a wave of gratitude for Two-Bit swelling in his chest. The lump in his throat felt a little bit smaller but- still, he looked nervously at his brothers and Steve who were yet to react outwardly. "Steve? Dar?" his voice grew smaller as he glanced up at the boy who he was closest to in this world. "Soda?"
Darry was still silent, but slowly, he stood up from the threadbare blue couch he was seated upon and he met Ponyboy's eyes with a fierce gaze. "Ponyboy," he began, his voice thick. "Ponyboy-" his voice cracked and he rushed forward, tackling his littlest brother into a tight hug. "Pony- I love ya, I'm proud you told us. I'm proud of you, Ponyboy, you don't need to worry-" he was babbling now, rocking into the hug. Ponyboy mumbled out his thanks and a faint 'I love you' into Darry's shoulder, eyes pressed against his t-shirt to hide the relieved tears he felt pricking.
"I'm happy for you, too, kid. Just don't go checkin' me out when you catch me with my shirt off, got it, buddy?" Steve smiled and attempted a weak laugh at his joke, leaning back into the couch. Ponyboy laughed hoarsely, still buried in Darry's hug.
"Ponyboy..."
The quiet call of his name made Pony tug out of Darry's embrace. Sodapop had finally spoken.
"Pony- I..."
"Soda?" The vulnerability in Ponyboy's voice made everyone in the room freeze, Soda included. Everyone was a little over protective of the younger boy (even Steve, although he'd never admit it)- even more so since the runaway incident. Ponyboy wrenched out of Darry's arms and stood, trembling. Another moment of silence passed with Soda's eyes darting to the ground, his hand gripping the back of the sofa so hard his fingers turned white. "Sodapop, please say something..."
"I- Pony- I just didn't- I never- Fuck, Pony, I'm sorry, baby, c'mere." The last few phrases Sodapop stuttered out came after the tears started coming down Ponyboy's cheeks. Sodapop let go of the couch and moved towards Ponyboy, but the younger boy bolted away, dashing to the bedroom he shared with Soda and slamming the door behind him.
The room was even more silent, the only sound being Ponyboy's distant sniffles from behind the door. Soda's face was stunned, like he had been slapped. Steve and Two-bit sat quietly on the sofa, looking worriedly up at the Curtis brothers, who were both standing in front of them. Darry finally broke the silence with an angry noise.
"Sodapop Curtis, what the HELL was that?" Darry hissed, stomping angrily over to his younger brother and shoving his shoulders back. "How could you do that to him, did you see how scared he was to tell us that? How could you-"
"Dar, I'm sorry- I- I didn't know what to say- You know how I am with words..." Soda trailed off. "I'm sorry Dar- I was being so thick and- fuck what do I do now? I'm so stupid, fuck, I can't-" Now there were tears welling up in Sodapop's eyes.
Darry sighed and mussed up his hair, trying to think of a way to fix this, still processing the fact that his baby brother was gay and he had never even suspected it. 'course he got all sorts of jokes from people seeing as how sensitive and bookish he was, and how so close to Johnny and Soda he was.. before Johnny died. Soda was the rock the Pony clung to when he was upset, now. More than he used to. Christ, he couldn't even imagine how alone the kid felt in his bedroom right now..
The room was silent for a few more moments, Steve and Two-Bit sitting awkwardly, eyes looking anywhere but at the remaining brothers while Soda had his eyes shut to keep from crying.
"Go apologize to him and explain yourself," Darry finally said evenly, staring at Soda with a focused look. "And if he tells you to get out, you get out and give him space. And then you fix it later. Now go or I'll whoop ya.” He hated when Soda and Pony were on the outs with each other- even when they were little kids fighting over who got the remote, their fights threw everyone else off.
Soda balled his hands up into fists and pressed them against his eyes, sucking in a shaking breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob. “I- uh, yeah. Yeah, Dar, I’ll fix it.” His voice was quiet, subdued in a way that the boys knew meant he was on the edge lf one of his spells where he beat himself up over everything. The sound of it made Darry wince, but he knew there was nothing he could do until the situation was diffused.
Two-Bit and Steve sat forgotten and silent on the couch as Darry sighed heavily and walked into the kitchen to finish the dishes and try to comprehend this new fact about his baby brother, Soda finally bringing his hands away from his now red eyes and drawing in another shaking breath before forcing himself to take slow steps towards the room Ponyboy had been sharing with him for months.
“Should we-uh, leave?” Two-Bit muttered to Steve, his eyes trained on Soda, who was obviously trying to make himself knock on the door he stood in front of.
Steve sat up straight on the couch and nodded. “Best to stay away until this is dealt with- s’family, yaknow? I’ll ask Soda about it tomorrow at work and see if they’re okay. They will be, they always are.”
The slam of the front door behind the two boys barely registered in Soda’s ears. Instead, all he heard was the muffled sniffling and shuffling behind the bedroom door he couldn’t seem to make himself open.
Man the fuck up, Soda scolded himself. He couldn’t imagine what Pony was feeling- lonely, scared, rejected- his anxiety about opening a fucking door was nothing. It was his own fault anyway. And with that thought in mind he swallowed and let out a quick “I’m coming in”, twisting the doorknob and pushing his way inside with a hiss of wood on threadbare carpet.
Inside he found a sight that made his heart sink- Pony, crumpled on the floor against the unmade bed clutching a pillow Soda recognized as his own, head whipping up at the sound of Sodapop’s entry, eyes bruised red and cheeks wet with still falling tears.
Soda’s heart was in his throat, it felt like. He had done this, had made his brother feel like- a, a freak. His stomach felt queasy. “Pony.” His voice was trembling almost as much as his brother’s shoulders.
“What?”
The question came as a pitiful croak and Sodapop winced, stepping further in the room and pressing the door shut behind him.
“I- I’m real sorry about what happened out there. I guess I need to explain myself, although I, uh, I don’t really know how to explain it myself,” he awkwardly chuckled, the sound falling flat.
“You don’t- you don’t have to explain. I know it’s weird and none of you thought I would end up... queer,” (Sodapop almost winced at the vehemence Ponyboy spat the last word out with) “- I get it, I wasn’t expecting everyone to welcome me with open arms or anything, I just wanted you all to.... know.” It came out as a rush, Ponyboy’s voice thick and his eyes full of a painful understanding that made Sodapop’s stomach turn.
Because that understanding was wrong, just as wrong as his little brother so clearly thought he was. And he wasn’t, he wasn’t, and Sodapop had just carved into a deeply seated insecurity Ponyboy had held close for so long.
Alone, for so long.
He had expected that they wouldn’t understand, had been so afraid, but he had told them anyway. It took a bravery Sodapop felt a searing amount of pride for, and it was with that thought in mind he finally found his voice.
“No! Pony, baby, that’s not- you have to know that I love you more than anything else in the damn world- you have to know me and Dar both feel that way.” Soda moved closer as he spoke, watching to make sure Ponyboy would let him. He dropped slowly to his knees, kneeling next to his brother and reaching forward to cover Pony’s hands where they were still clawed into his pillow.
Ponyboy’s lip trembled, but his hands unclenched.
“What happened out there has nothing to do with you. It was all me, baby, you did nothing wrong- and you are not wrong, you are so incredibly brave for doing that. I got caught up in my own dumb head, and I hurt you because of it. That’s all on me. Not you, never you... so don’t blame yourself. Please.”
Ponyboy bolted forwards, latching on to Soda and burying his head on his shoulder, tears soaking into his shirt. “Sodapop...”
Sodapop held on tightly to his crying brother, tears pricking his own eyes as he shushed him and tangled a hand in the hair at the nape of his neck. “Hey, hey, it’s okay, it’s alright. Those words, the ones I should have said out there? They didn’t come out then, but I need you to let me say them now, okay?” Please let me fix this.
He got a muffled “yeah” that buzzed against his neck accompanied by almost frantic nodding. Sodapop closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He needed to phrase this right, needed to make up for the hurt he had caused. He needed to get it right this time.
“You’re the most important thing in the world to me. I never want anything to hurt you, and that includes myself- so.... so I need you to know, like I said before, me and Dar... we love you, so, so much, Ponyboy. We’ve always known you were the best of us. The smartest, the most caring....and today changes none of that. It just... reinforces it. You must have felt so alone and scared of yourself, but you told us anyway. You’re the bravest person I know, baby, and me and Dar- we’re so proud of you. All we ever want is for you to be safe and be loved- and it doesn’t matter what person you love, as matter as you’re happy and healthy. We still love you.” His voice cracked and he tried to cover it with a watery laugh. “And we’ll get the gang to kick anyone’s ass if they say differently, okay?”
There was nothing for a moment from Ponyboy besides his ragged breathing, still hitching on the tears pressed into the collar of Soda’s shirt.
And then- a whispered “I love you guys, too” followed by a sob.
Soda raised his head back, alarmed at the reappearance of hysterical tears until he saw the smile broken out on Ponyboy’s face as he picked his head up from Sodapop’s neck. He smiled too and swiped at the moisture pooling in his eyes. “Look at that. Makin’ me all soft, too, huh?”
Ponyboy laughed weakly and squeezed his arms around Soda’s neck. “Always been that way and you know it.”
“Maybe.” He paused. “You got my message loud and clear, though, right? I hope I said the right things to get it across.”
“Yeah, Soda,” Ponyboy smiled. “You said everything I needed to hear.”
fin