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Tony Stark was trying to be a supportive mentor.
Really, he was.
Tony had been totally chill when Peter had come out to him that he was bi half a year ago, that he was maybe thinking of dating guys and all that. He even had a private man-to-man drinking session with the kid, thereby filling up his emotions and feelings quota for that week. He had gone as far as to dispense sage advice to Peter about relationships and hook-ups.
(Don’t do anything you don’t want the Internet to know, or if you do, make sure it stays the hell private.) That had been the one distinct lesson Tony had picked up from his own teenage years.
Tony had even tried to give Peter an abbreviated version of The Talk, afraid that the boy had no male parental figures left in his life for that. That had been an emotionally-scarring talk for both of them, after which Tony had downed copious amounts of alcohol and Peter had straight up avoided him for a week after.
Then Peter had found himself a boyfriend, and Tony had been absolutely cool with it for the first few seconds…which was all the time it took for the name ‘Wade Wilson’ to register as being synonymous with one ‘Deadpool’ in his genius of a brain.
“You what-?” Tony had all but screeched as his brain activity ground to a mental halt. Then had come the angst, heavy disapproval, bambi doe-eyes, abundant worry, more angst, strong concern, manipulative pleading and finally, grudging acceptance on Tony’s part.
And that was after a whole month of Pepper lecturing Tony at every chance she got. (That he had to be supportive of Peter’s autonomy as an adult, that he should reserve judgement until after he met the guy, blah, blah, listen Tony, blah). Tony pointed out that he had met the guy, many times over, and that he was fully justified in his conclusion that his protégé’s boyfriend was as crazy as bananas, with the looks of an avocado. Pepper had then given him The Look, and Tony finally, begrudgingly, agreed to give the mercenary a chance.
At Pepper’s suggestion, Tony had, against his will and completely rational and logical urge to go fully Iron Man on Deadpool’s ass, invited Peter and his boyfriend, Wade-fucking-Wilson, better known as the all-round asshole mercenary Deadpool, to dinner at the Avengers’ Compound.
And now that it was time for that dinner, Tony was wondering if it was worth it to have taken Peter Parker under his wings all those years ago, if it resulted in having Deadpool as a…as a protégé-in-law. Or, as a traitorous voice whispered in his brain…(shudder)…as a…son-in-law.
Argh. Tony felt like getting out the bleach to wash away the idea of Deadpool and son-in-law even existing in the same sentence. Same thought. Whatever. The point was, it was every parent’s worst nightmare come true.
Wait-a-minute. Parent? Was he a, a parent to Peter Parker? A father, even?
“Pepper!” Tony called out in horror, desperately needing someone to confirm that this was just his overactive imagination speaking. “Pepper, I just had the most disturbing thought!”
Wade Wilson was trying to be a supportive boyfriend.
Well, the key word was ‘trying’.
He sucked at meet-the-folks dinners. That was the truth and nothing but the whole truth.
After that first disastrous dinner with Aunt May, he had gone through two more painful dinners with Peter’s aunt before she had gradually begun warming up to him. He now looked forward to their monthly dinners together, as opposed to previously dreading it. Once that was settled however, Peter had begun making noises about dinner with one Tony Stark, who was “the closest thing I have to a father, Wade”.
And really, what could Wade say to that? He had hemmed and hawed and tried his very best to postpone the date of the dinner with Mr. Tony McDick Stark to infinity and beyond, but then his Petey-pie had brought out the big guns. First had come the liquid, Bambi doe-like pleading eyes. Which should be made illegal in New York City and probably the whole US of A too. Then had come the sexy Dom voice, which went straight to Wade’s cock, and fuck…Wade would have promised his Baby Boy anything under the sun when Peter directed both those eyes and that voice at him. All in quick succession and within the span of a few minutes. And the contrast between the both sides of Petey-pie’s nature just made it hotter.
(You’d do that anyway.)
[Yeah man. You’d literally do anything for Petey, regardless. Just like his bitch.]
Wade rolled his eyes at the boxes. Even if I’m his bitch, I’m gonna be the best damn bitch in the whole wide world. Petey-pie’s worth it. And don’t act like you don’t care for Baby Boy, ‘cause I know for a fact that that’s a bald-faced lie.
The boxes went silent.
Where was I? Right. So yeah. Wade had folded like a stack of cards in the face of his Baby Boy’s eyes and voice. Which was why he was here now, in the Avengers’ Compound, about to meet Tin Can for dinner. That man was the biggest asshole among Earth’s mightiest heroes, the one who gave Wade the most grief whenever they had the misfortune of being on the same team, which was whenever SHIELD brought him in to do contract work.
So the point was, Tin Can and him had history. It was not the first time they met. In fact, it was a far cry from it. So why was Wade having the proverbial butterflies in his stomach right now?
(Because, dickhead, you promised to be on your best behaviour for Petey.)
[And you don’t want Petey to be sad. Or angry. Let’s not have a repeat of that Aunt May incident.]
That’s literally impossible. Iron Dick already knows about my background. Wade shot back. He can’t act all-accepting at first then storm out after finding out that I’m an immoral assassin who kills for money.
(You have a point, I supposed. He can start off outright with the menacing disapproval.)
Annnnnd Yellow was right. There was Tony Stark, standing right inside the dining room accompanied by an elegant blonde woman.
Since Peter had insisted on the Wade leaving his mask behind, Wade was currently faceless. Maskless. Whatever. The point was, he felt extremely naked without it, despite the fact that he was dressed in a billowy, long-sleeved, crimson red evening gown that all but swept the floor with its train. Wade took a deep breath and pasted a smile onto his scarred face, but he was certain that it came out as a menacing glower, if the faltering smile of the lady (Virginia ‘Pepper’ Potts, Yellow supplied in his mind) was any indication. And Tin Can had a frown on his face that was as deep as the lady’s cleavage.
“Mr. Stark, Ms. Potts,” Peter said brightly, apparently choosing to ignore the tension in the room. “This is my boyfriend, Wade Wilson!” He ended to the introduction by gesturing to Wade with a flourish.
Stark sighed heavily, ignoring Wade as he told Peter blandly, “Kid, you don’t have to introduce us. You know we’ve met.”
Best behaviour, Wade chanted to himself and tried to tune out his boxes, which were currently making snide and inappropriate comments about Stark and his fiancée. Outwardly, he giggled and fluttered his hands coquettishly. “Oh, but it’s the first time I’ve been over for a dinner date, Mr. Stark. I’m honoured.”
Stark stared at him with his mouth agape. “What did you just call me? Cos I could’ve sworn I heard…”
“Why, I called you Mr. Stark of course!” Wade chirped in his best sweet, syrupy voice.
Stark made a gagging face and all but burst out with the question-exclamation, “Why, Wilson?!”
Simpering as he brought his hands up to cover his cheeks with, using the long, billowy sleeves of the dress to great effect, Wade cooed, “Because I’m following my sweetheart’s form of address of course!” So saying, he fluttered his eyelashes at Stark and laid his head against the nook of Peter’s neck. Which, given the height difference between Peter and him in addition to the fact that he was in seven-inch-high heels, was a bit of a feat.
Stark gave him a menacing glower that probably would have been scary had Wade not been towering over him by eight-fucking-inches. He had made the smart choice, really choosing to come in a dress and the meanest stilettos ever to grace the annals of mankind.
(And to think that we had to beg for so long to get Petey to agree to us wearing this dress!)
[Although we did enjoy the begging part a lot…yes, it was very enjoyable indeed…we need an encore, and soon!]
Shut up, Whitey. This dress is not gonna hide a stiffy! Wade told White severely. He had agreed to be on his best behaviour today, on pain of a very long period of No-Sexy-Times-With-Petey, which he was very damn sure that he wouldn’t be able to survive.
So. Best behaviour it was.
And maybe Iron Dick had received the same warning from his fiancée, for the only reply he gave was a strong glare and a weak verbal jab, “I thought the kid was bringing his boyfriend today, not his girlfriend.”
If Stark had known what the jab would bring, he’d surely have kept his mouth shut. But it was too late. Wade broke out into a little ditty:
“But, Mister Stark
Don’t you see,
I can be both Petey’s boyfriend…”
And then he winked salaciously before bowing smartly.
“…And his girlfriend.”
Wade finished as he twirled on one foot in a graceful pirouette, before landing with an elegant curtsey.
“Annnnnd…I don’t mind you thinking of me as either,” he told a slack-jawed Stark and an only slightly ruffled Potts gleefully. “I’d make a very good housewife…and I can be the very bestest daughter-in-law ever!”
“Stop. Just stop,” Stark held out a hand as he stared at Wade in horror. “I so did not need that image burned into my brains,” he muttered under his breath, before walking towards the dining table without another word.
The lovely Ms. Virginia Potts was evidently made of sterner stuff, for she had composed herself in a matter of seconds and now proceeded to smile warmly at Peter. The smile, when turned towards Wade, did not diminish, but took on a distant politeness. “Come, Peter, Mr. Wilson. Let’s continue our conversation over dinner.”
When Wade made to speak, a sharp jab in the ribs stopped him. “Let’s go eat, Wade,” Peter’s smile was as brilliant and sparkly as a diamond, and just as sharp.
And just like that, Wade deflated. Meekly, he allowed himself to be led to the oval table right in the centre of the opulent and lavish room.
The fare for dinner, Peter noted with a sigh of relief, was perfectly normal Mexican food. He had been afraid for a moment that Mr. Stark would force them into sitting through some fancy nine-course meal that required too many utensils to consume. But, Peter reminded himself, Mr. Stark was many things but never snobbish. He never once made Peter feel uncomfortable about his own impoverished background and it looked like he wouldn’t do it to Wade either. Peter smiled at Mr. Stark gratefully before turning to his own boyfriend to check on him. He needn’t have worried.
As he sat down beside Peter, Wade eyed the food displayed brightly before saying with false cheer in a high-pitch falsetto, “Well, I suppose it’s time to dig in! Chi-chi-chimichangas-time!” And that set the tone for the rest of the dinner, which, Peter was pleased to note, did contain chimichangas. It was proof that Mr. Stark cared enough to listen when Peter talked about Wade’s favourite food. Or rather, it was proof that Mr. Stark cared enough to pull up the recording of that conversation when Ms. Potts inquired about food preferences, he supposed.
All through dinner, Wade and Mr. Stark traded barbed comments and thinly-veiled insults. It would have been thoroughly entertaining were Peter not hoping that Mr. Stark and Wade would like each other. He supposed that ship had sailed far too long ago.
Then, Wade went too far. In his bid to defeat Tony Stark in their war of words, he’d made some offhand comment about Ms. Potts. The ensuing silence was deafening. Although Ms. Potts’ smile never wavered, from the look on his face, Peter knew that Mr. Stark would soon let loose a caustic and vicious comment. It was simply his nature, and Peter could not fault Mr. Stark from protecting his fiancée, but Wade did not need that right now. Wade was muttering to himself again, rapidly and rather breathlessly, betraying his nerves.
Peter had to calm his boyfriend down and set things right, in that very order. He reached out to grab Wade’s hand firmly in his own, squeezing just a little. Just the touch alone grounded Wade, as he knew it would.
“Wade, I think you should say sorry to Ms. Potts now.” Peter told Wade calmly, allowing just the slightest hint of steel to enter his voice.
And that was so close to Peter’s Dom voice that Wade gulped. “Sorry, Ms. Potts,” he repeated after Peter obediently with the air of a chastened child.
Ms. Potts, of course, waved off the apology with her usual charming smile before steering the conversation into safer waters.
Well, well, well. Tony Stark narrowed his eyes as he took in the interactions between Peter and his new…mantoy (he had decided not to grace Wilson with the term ‘boyfriend’, even in the privacy of his own mind). Truth be told, when Tony had first heard of their relationship, part of his concern had stemmed from the large age gap that existed between Peter and Wilson. He was worried that Wilson, with his many more years and experience under his belt, was taking advantage of Peter’s youth and innocence.
And Tony Stark was worldly and experienced enough to know that he would never condone that happening to his protégé. He had even been contemplating on forcibly separating them, should he not liked what he saw at this dinner, free will and Peter’s autonomy as an adult be damned.
But now, having seen that little display, Tony started to wonder…was Wade really the one with all the power in this relationship? Because from what he saw, it appeared that Peter had Wilson firmly in hand.
Tony Stark narrowed his eyes and decided to observe the couple closely over the rest of the dinner.
By the end of it, he had decided.
It was time for Tony to speak to Wade-fucking-Wilson, on behalf of his protégé Peter.
While Tony never thought that he’d ever be on this end of a shovel talk, he found that he was delighted to be taking on this role.
“Wilson, we need to talk. Right now.” Tony told the man curtly, ignoring the shit-eating grin that lit up Wilson’s face at those words. “Don’t worry, I won’t harm him,” he added to assure Peter. Peter nodded slowly, sensing Tony’s sincerity, and gestured for Wade to follow Tony.
And wasn’t that a huge-fucking-sign all on its own? Tony shook his head mentally. He very much did not need the image of Wade Wilson as an overgrown puppy trailing after his protégé.
Peter sighed mentally. Well, that hadn’t been a complete disaster. It would have been too much to hope for a normal family dinner when his boyfriend was the Merc with a Mouth and his father figure was one Tony Stark, who could be as rude, annoying and abrasive as Wade when he wanted, so Peter had set his expectations accordingly. Thankfully, nothing had exploded and nobody had been maimed or killed, so Peter counted it as a win in his books.
Nervously, Peter smiled at Ms. Potts and hoped that whatever the two other men were doing, it would not devolve into a fight.
“Blah, blah, blah, Wade Wilson, blah, blah blah,” Tin Can was saying.
Wade tried to look appropriately attentive and nodded at what he presumed were good places to nod at. He had tried to listen to what he knew was surely a very good shovel talk, honest, but then a minute in, the boxes had gotten into an argument about how they could totally take on Tony Stark as he was right now, since Stark was not even wearing his Iron Man suit, and win. And whether that would impress Petey-pie into fucking him right there and then. Wade practically shivered at the thought of being fucked in the Avengers Compound.
“ – you even listening to me?” Stark’s voice practically dripped disgust.
Uh-oh. Caught red-handed. Wade gave a guilty little squirm. This was important to Baby Boy, it was, and Wade was supposed to feel/become threatened by Petey-pie’s father figure. If he wanted to remain as Petey’s boyfriend, it was the least he could do.
“Of course, I’m listening to ya, Mr. Stark, a hundred percent all-ears listening to your impressive threatening speech! Can’t you see I’m shaking in my boots already?” Wade told Tin Can earnestly. “A-plus, full marks, would be threatened again.”
Stark’s face did a complicated twitch and a vein throbbed in his forehead.
(Too much, don’t ya think?)
[Definitely too much.]
Wade pouted. He thought he had done pretty well, all things considered.
“Oh yeah? Do you think having a healing factor would make you invulnerable? Get this through your thick skull, Wade-fucking-Wilson,” Stark leaned in closer with what would probably have been an intimidating glare, if he were…oh let’s say, Cyclops. Given the number of times Wade had been glared, stared and glowered at tonight, he was really thankful that Cable and him had never been at that stage where Wade would have to meet Cyclops in the “I’m-your-boyfriend’s-father, Wade” kind of capacity.
(Oh-em-gee! Can he even hear himself? What a naughty image! Imagine if Petey-pie hears of this! Wade fucking Wilson, ha.)
[Hey, do you think we could do it? Fuck ourselves, I mean? Well, Big Boy’s dick is kinda detachable, I mean, it’d grow back after all…]
Wade squashed the fit of full-blown giggles that threatened to make it past his mouth. Well, now, that would be something to explore with Petey-pie if his Baby Boy could ever get over his reluctance to see Wade harmed. Of course, if Wade’s cock was in his own arse and not attached to his body, it would mean that he would be effectively castrated for the duration. A butterfly fluttered in his stomach at that thought, and a tingle of anticipation travelled up his spine. Shit damn, that was hot! Maybe he could even get his Baby Boy to fuck him at the same time!
His lascivious thoughts were derailed by Stark stepping forward into his personal space, and making some serious eye contact with him.
“If you ever hurt Peter, I’d find a way to make you wish that you can die. I can make your worst nightmares come through, Wilson. Perpetual healing…isn’t that great in some circumstances,” Stark ended his threat with an ominous hiss, and wow, Wade didn’t know that Tin Can had it in him. Thing was, Wade fully believed that Tony Stark was capable of carrying out his threat. And that threat almost put a tiny hint of fear into Wade, given Wade’s aversion towards genius, mad scientists ever since Weapon X, and really, Wade should raise his hackles at that obvious use of his past against him.
(He totally has that genius, mad scientist look pat down.)
[Francis is really a baby compared to him, Big Boy. I wouldn’t cross him for realsies if I were you. Which, hey, I am you.]
(Stark’s only doing this ‘cause he loves Petey like a son.)
[Concentrate, D. The man deserves an answer]
I’m trying, so shut up. Wade told his boxes petulantly.
“If I ever hurt Peter, I’d let you, Mr. Stark. Won’t even put up a fight, and I’ll even give you useful tips to fuck me up so badly that it’d take an eternity for me to come back,” Wade answered solemnly, turning serious for once during this entire conversation. That much Wade could give the parent figure lurking in Stark.
Stark eyed him suspiciously, as if trying to figure out Wade’s true intentions.
(Better men than you have tried, Iron Man.)
Wade held Stark’s gaze intently, not backing down.
As if satisfied with whatever he saw in Wade’s eyes, Stark nodded crisply then turned on his heels and headed back towards the dining room.
“Heeeeeya, does that mean you’re my Iron Dad-in-law now, Iron Dad?” Wade cooed after the older man happily.
Maybe Wade could get used to this after all. Now that they were all but one big, happy family, that meant that he got to annoy Tin Can as much as he wanted! Wasn’t that what family was for, after all?