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"Jiwoo?"
Eyes that hadn't really been closed flutter open at the soft whisper behind her. Jiwoo turns around so that she faces her friend's back, mattress dipping under the shift of weight and sliding them closer together. "Yeah?"
It's quiet for a small moment. Jiwoo counts the numbers of breaths it takes for Jungeun to muster up the courage to say what she wants to say, keeping score with well timed taps against the pillow under her head.
"What if I-" She pauses for a moment longer; Jiwoo can see the tense posture of her shoulders when she exhales again. "What if I can't do it? What if I'm not..." Jiwoo hates not being able to see Jungeun's face like this. But that's probably deliberate on the other girls part - she's never been very good at showing vulnerability to anyone.
Even her.
"What if I'm not good enough?"
"Jungeun," Her name slips out like a confession; tired and brimming with secrets untold - a world of weight that Jiwoo had never really been able to comprehend in it's entirety. "Hey, I thought we talked about this."
"I know." Jiwoo can hear the scratch of nails against her bed sheets and knows that Jungeun is keeping pace with the tap of her finger against the pillow. It makes her smile unknowingly. Another sigh, and she sounds tired. "I know."
Jiwoo shifts closer under the duvet, hand trailing from it's place next to her head on the pillow to rest in the space between them. "Last minute nerves?"
"Sort of. I think so." Jiwoo's glad she has Jungeun here like this; all pent up nerves and unsaid fears right where she can see her, and reassure her - better than knowing that Jungeun was bottling it all up right until the last moment. Consider it best friend duties. That Jiwoo was the metaphorical butter knife scraping the last little bits of jelly out of the jam jar.
This wasn't the first night like this. Probably won't be the last, depending on what the future holds and whether or not Jungeun's schedule would allow for it. The thought makes Jiwoo curl a little closer around her, unable to stop herself from knocking her head gently against the back of her neck. She'd already had this conversation before. About fears. And the unknown. And the pressures and trials and tribulation of being a trainee just trying to make it to debut.
And then being offered the chance.
And the sudden, whirlwind hurricane lead up that had swept both of them off their feet at the ferocity. They'd had some idea, of course - had friends who had gone through a similar process, had told both of them how exhausting but rewarding the whole debacle was in the end. Jiwoo had a while to go yet.
To be honest, she was still a little unsure about it. Whether this was for her. But she supposes everyone did - Jungeun included. But the girl curling more closely against her had the finish line in sight. She was one step away from taking the leap from unknown to out there, and Jiwoo didn't know how she'd feel about sharing her with the world. The hand between them slinks it's way around a slim waist, coming to rest more naturally than it should have against a stomach that felt a little tighter than before.
It's the process. The reason behind why Jungeun feels a little smaller than before, and why Jiwoo can still smell the faintest hint of bleach in the newly blonde curtain of hair right in front of her nose. Why Jungeun looked a little sharper each time she saw her. Cheeks not as full as before, and heavy eyelids that took longer to open as the school day waned on.
But still Jungeun. So definitively, characteristically Jungeun that it made Jiwoo's chest hurt with pride every time she looked at the girl who was going to make it. Not just Kim Jungeun anymore, but BBC's Kim Lip. A secret Jungeun had whispered to her in utmost confidence, voice wavering with excitement over the phone just after getting the confirmation that she was in the final line-up, and it was all Jiwoo could do to just bite her lip and smile instead of leaving her house there and then and finding the other girl to wrap her up in the biggest bear hug she could muster.
Three days left. Until the world meets her best friend as the cool, charismatic Kim Lip. She wonders how Jungeun managed to find the time to come here, but she's grateful. She makes up for an opportunity lost by wrapping herself tighter around her, hiding a smile against Jungeun's shoulder when all the tenseness in her muscles seem to melt away with the familiar embrace.
"You'll do great, Jungeun." A hand places itself on top of her own against Jungeun's stomach, fingertips threading between her own to clasp tight. "I just know it."
"Yeah?" She has to press a little closer to hear the barely audible whisper.
"Yeah." She hums firmly. Gives the soft skin under her palm a little tap to punctuate and Jungeun flinches almost imperceptibly. Jiwoo had forgotten she was sensitive and hides a laugh in the blanket of hair down her back, snuggling tighter as she does so.
Jungeun's still thinking. Jiwoo can tell from the foot sliding restlessly against her ankle. Her leg gets stolen away, shifted and cajoled into place until she can hook her ankle underneath Jungeun's foot, thigh lined up underneath Jungeun's like a puzzle piece slightly too big to fit exactly, but a close enough fit to fill the gap.
"Wooming?"
Her voice is soft. Too soft. A little fragile for Jungeun, as though she's one syllable away from cracking. Jiwoo doesn't like it.
"Jungie?" It works. She hears the light scoff that escapes the older girl, can imagine the smile just from the infliction in her tone and the accompanying roll of her eyes that probably followed.
"Thank you. For everything."
"I haven't done anything, Jungie."
She hums, squeezes Jiwoo's hand underneath her own. "You have. More than you could ever know."
Jiwoo doesn't know how to respond to that. Still doesn't even when Jungeun has softened against her, body lax with sleep and still holding onto her. Their intertwined hands rise and fall against Jungeun's tummy with every drawn out breath; slowly, and more relaxed than Jiwoo has seen Jungeun in weeks, listening intently to the quiet rumbles filling up her chest.
She's overcome with the urge to look at her as she sleeps, if only for the reassurance of seeing the lack of stress on her face in the way that only sleep can provide. There's moonlight spilling through the gap in her curtain, and Jiwoo's sure that Jungeun looks beautiful like this. But she daren't risk waking the other girl up - not when tonight is probably the best chance she has to get a good rest before everything changes, and when she has to be at the company early next morning.
She settles on the little bit of her face she can see propped up on her elbow, tracing the curve of her jaw and the slope of her cheek as best she can. Commits it to memory, storing it in the teeny tiny box labelled 'Kim Jungeun' in her heart that's been long past overflowing with stolen snapshots and memories.
This is the beginning. A new adventure for Kim Jungeun - no, wait, for Kim Lip (the name still feels weird in her mouth; uncomfortable, and new, and she likes the way that Kim Jungeun feels rolling off her tongue far more) and Jiwoo has the honour of watching it all unfold for her.
She doesn't know how to tell Jungeun that she's terrified too. Doesn't think she ever will. She'll bury the uncertainty and the fear and the lingering dredge of self doubt that's telling her that Jungeun will forget about her. That, they won't have as much time together anymore. That Jiwoo will always be two steps behind her from now on.
Jungeun really does look pretty in the moonlight peeking through her curtains. She shifts in her sleep, mumbles something incoherent that Jiwoo doesn't understand, but she understands the way Jungeun shuffles further back to close the space between them. Her arm gets pulled more firmly around the other girl's waist and Jiwoo swallows down the bubble of delight rising up her throat.
She wonders what Jungeun's dreaming about. Hopes it's something good, and soft, and kind - and that her dreams are soaked in sunlight so that the sun keeps her warm even while she's asleep. It's the very least she deserves. And one day Jiwoo knows that Jungeun's going to return that warmth in kind - that one day her eyes are going to light up the sun. Not just for her this time, but for other people too. And herself.
It was something that Jiwoo just knew.
That the girl in her arms was going to do wonderful things.
(She only hoped that she would still be there to see them.)
Her head comes up to rest against the back of Jungeun's neck again. She can still smell bleach, but mostly something sweet and persistent. The lingering scent of fabric softener clinging to her nightshirt, and the underlying drowsy hint of sleep that clings to her nose when she nuzzles against the skin there. And Jungeun, mostly Jungeun. That's the scent that clings the most, and it's the one that fills her nose and clouds her head until her thoughts become overwhelmingly drenched in her.
Sleep's creeping up on her with every breath; an unassuming wave that washes over her until she's fighting to keep her eyes open. Can't think much past Jungeun, and how warm she felt right now with the older girl curled up against her.
She lets sleep take her.
She does it without thinking, really. Places the gentlest kiss she can against the hint of skin peeking out from the hemline of Jungeun's shirt, not trying to dwell on how easy it would be to get used to this.
"Good night, Jungie."
Jiwoo goes to sleep with Jungeun wrapped in her arms, dreaming of clouds dripping with moonlight and eyes that could rival the sun. Misses the steady tap of a finger against the back of her hand after, and the small smile that carves it's way into warm cheeks.
"Goodnight." It's whispered back to her a few moments too late; a murmur caught only by the moon, and tucked carefully away like a folded note in the sheets between them.