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“Are you mad at me?”
“Hmmm”
“Are ya?
Liam kept asking until Noel lost his patience and yelled at him.
“You keep pissing me out and ask if I’m mad!” Shouted Noel, “do I look mad to you? Of course I do, then leave me the fuck alone!”
“Why are you mad?” Inquired his young brother with a naive tone and tilting his head, as if he hadn’t heard a single word Noel said to him.
The older Gallagher revolved in the chair he was sitting, led his left hand to his face, rubbing the inner corner of his eyes and then laughed ironically.
“I can’t...”
“You can’t what? And I still don’t know why are you mad?”
Noel left his seat. He left the room, in fact. Slammed the door shut in the loudest way possible. So loud it even left him a sensation that lasted a few minutes after he ran away. Everyone saw him left, but no one inquired what happened. To be fair, nobody even noticed his anger. They assumed Noel was in constant bitterness and it was the normal thing for him to display a long face.
He walked for a brief ten minutes that soon became a half hour and that half hour became an hour. Until his feet started hurting and he noticed he had been walking for about two hours or more. He didn’t even know where he was going to. All he wanted was to escape from everything.
“Are you mad?” Mumbled, trying to imitate that childish and annoying tone, and then hit the wall, as he kept walking, with the side of his closed hand. So violently it hurt. His feet were suddenly so tired that he had to go into a pub, wearing his hood so no one would recognize him. He sat in a corner of the bar, ordered a beer and took a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket. The feeling of the smoke going through him, holding it for a brief seconds and then releasing calmed him. He gave a first sip to his beer, then a second and a third and soon he found himself ordering a fifth bottle. “Are you mad?” Rewinded in his head. He closed his eyes and frowned, resting his head over his closed fists. The cigarette on his hand kept consuming slowly, and a thin line of smoke danced in the air. “Are you mad?” “Am I?”
He was so absorbed by his thoughts that he didn’t notice his cigarette had consumed until the ashes fell over his fingers. He placed the cigar-butt on the ashtray, squeezing it while the same vacuous words kept sounding on his head. “Are you mad?”
He reached the pocked of his jacket for another cigarette when he felt something unusual there. It was a piece of paper. He took it out and unfolded it. A telephone number was written there, followed by the name of a woman. The calligraphy wasn’t clearly his. It was beautifully traced in black ink. He read the name a few times in his head, then out loud.
“Excuse me?” Said the bartender.
“Uh?”
“Another beer?”
“No, I’m fine” replied Noel while grabbing the neck of his beer bottle to show the man he hadn’t finished his drink, “I was just thinking out loud.”
Noel then got his wallet out of his pants pocket and paid. Asked the bartender for a telephone and this one indicated him with a pointing finger to cross the street, there was a telephone booth there.
He went to call the number found on his jacket. A woman picked the phone. “It must be her” Noel thought when he heard the voice. He imagined how she could look like. Hundreds of women he had slept with during band tours. He couldn’t remember which one it was. They talked for almost two hours. He remained standing there and feeding the phone with coins for almost two hours. He had taken a decision. That night he wasn’t going back to his house in London. That night he was flying to America. “Are you mad?” “Fuck I am!” Thought to himself.
The next day, when he arrived to the States, first thing in the morning he thought about was his little brother. He didn’t thought about the work he had to do with the band, neither he thought about his mother or his older brother, nor his friends, nor all the fame and money he was giving up. He thought about Liam. He thought about the little twat pouting on a corner while everyone tried to get a clue where he could have gone. He imagined the sad look on his bright deep blue eyes, trying to avoid everyone else’s sight because he knew it was part his fault. “You know very well you have as much fault in this as I do” said Noel to himself. He wanted to get away the guilt of punishing his little brother like that. “Are you mad?” “Of course I am, cunt.”
He met with the girl, with whom stayed for almost a week, consuming booze and drugs, and eating American food. Noel hated that, but he didn’t want to admit to himself it had been a terrible decision. He kept thinking about Liam. Sitting in that corner. Telling his mother by phone he didn’t have a clue why Noel had left. Telling his band mates it wasn’t his fault. “You poor thing” thought Noel, and a tear slid down his cheek. In that moment he wished the door opened and his little brother walked in and saved him from the nasty mess he had become. He imagined he would come in and call him a cunt and threw all kinds of curses, then he would kneel next to the mattress on the floor and would clean his sweaty face with his bare hand. He closed his eyes and could imagined the touch of Liam’s fingers on his cheeks, on his forehead and on his chin. He could hear the sound of the bubblegum going from one side of his mouth to the other. The thought of it was so vivid now that for a second he thought if he opened his eyes he would see his brother next to him. But when he did it all he could see was the same empty room with nothing but a ceiling fan and some cheap clothes all over the place.
Another day may have passed. Noel had lost track of the time. He heard a phone ringing. He never noticed there was a phone there. He took the call. It was someone from the staff crew. Suddenly, he felt he had lost the weight of the whole world. That same day he took a fly to London. While he was on the plane an angst invaded him. He felt a void on his stomach that was consuming him from within. A lot of people were gonna be mad at him, but he didn’t care. Fuck them. However, he didn’t know how was going to explain his absence to the person that was like his own flesh and blood. The person he cared the most and he had betrayed and abandoned in a stupid rush of anger. Liam never cried in front of others, nor would admit he missed his brother. But Noel could imagine his face over the pillow, tired from crying: his humid eyelashes and his soft breath, his chest going up and down. He would’ve loved to rest his head on him and listen to his breathing. The mere thought of it calmed him, as if he knew in advance that was going to happen.
When he met with the band and the rest of the crew it happened exactly what he thought it would: most of them were happy, others were mad at him, and they all asked for an explanation. But he really didn’t care about what they thought and if they believed him or were disappointed by him. He only cared for one person. The one that was wearing the darkest sunglasses he could’ve found in England and was trying to act like nothing happened. But all Noel could see was a little boy too shy to let everyone see his immense happiness, and too ashamed to share part of his fault. Noel didn’t think it like this, but Liam in fact resembled a scared puppy, moving his tail between his legs because he knew he had done something bad, but at the same time was waiting for a display of affection and forgiveness.
By the time the night fell, Noel was in his place. He was about to go to bed, but couldn’t stop thinking about that fantasy he had before about Liam calmly sleeping. The only time Liam could transmit a feeling like that. Noel dressed up again and went outside. He needed to see Liam and seek for his forgiveness. “Are you mad?” Noel then stopped walking and took his hand to his mouth, his eyes closed against his will. “I’m sorry...” he said out loud and walked back to his home, containing the tears on his eyes. He walked faster as he felt he couldn’t hold the tears longer. He kept walking with his sight on the floor, he knew if he made eye contact with anyone, even a stranger, he would just explode into tears. When he knew he was closer he led his left hand to his eyes and wiped the few teardrops that made their way out. With his eyes closed he kept walking while rubbing the inner corners of his eyes.
“Noel?”
Noel wide opened his eyes and raised his sight. He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. He didn’t remember either to have taken drugs that day. So it was real.
“Are you crying?”
Noel shook his head denying, but the tears came back. Liam hugged him and kissed him in the cheek.
“Forgive me...”
There wasn’t response.
“Noel, forgive me.”
“What for?” Finally asked Noel while wiping his eyes and clearing his throat.
“For making you leave...”
“Making me leave?” Noel laughed ironically while saying that, “you think all that was because of you?”
“I’m gonna change, Noel.”
“Oh shut up, if you think I left because of you, then let me tell you how wrong you are about it. And by the way, stop with that bullshit about changing, you always say that and the next day start behaving like an asshole again.”
Noel tried to make Liam get out of his way.
“Move!”
Liam didn’t move and remained there watching Noel directly in the eyes. It made him uncomfortable.
“Get off my sight if you don’t want me to call the police” said Noel looking into every direction, avoiding Liam’s sight.
“Look at me in the eyes.”
“Fuck off.”
Then Liam tried to hold Noel onto him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Yelled Noel. His heart skipped a beat and then he felt it was going to explode. “I’m tired of that shit.”
“Then leave and never come back again” said firmly Liam, who never stopped from looking Noel in the eyes.
He walked away. Noel wished he turned around, but he didn’t. His silhouette disappeared in the distance. Noel wondered if Liam could’ve really cried like he did on his daydream. “Of course he did.”