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“And it's not theirs to speculate if it's wrong and,
your hands are tough but they are where mine belong and,
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
with this song for you.”
*
2017
*
It’s funny, Cyrus thinks, how something as simple as a costume day at school can end up feeling like the worst thing that’s ever happened to him. As the day moves on confusion turns to humiliation which turns to hurt and eventually sinks into a quiet numbness. The morning had been a whirlwind of emotions that he never wants to repeat. When he thinks about what happened he’s forced to consider how maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if it wasn’t TJ, but that leads him towards a whole slew of feelings he’s not ready to face yet, so he shuts down that train of thought, ignores the looks of concern his friends keep shooting him and puts on a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It’s exhausting having to pretend he’s okay but he manages… barely. When he gets home after school he doesn’t make his usual detour through the kitchen to grab a snack and greet his parents, he doesn’t even drop his bag in the hall. Instead, he takes the stairs up to his room two at a time, manages to avoid slamming his door by a fraction and lets himself flop down on to his bed.
Okay, so burying his face into a pillow and resisting the urge to scream might not be the healthiest way of coping but for once he doesn’t feel like being rational about things. There’s no sitting down and picking apart the situation like normal, in that way lies madness, so there’s little left to do other than let it all come crashing down in a wave of aching self-pity. A whole day’s worth of bottled up emotions come out at once and he curls up into a ball to cry until his throat hurts. Man, boys just suck .
The thing is he doesn’t understand what happened. Doing a joined costume had been TJ’s idea. It had been TJ who had come to him and TJ who had wanted to do it first. Not the other way around. It wasn’t Cyrus desperately thinking of ways to spend time with him, or trying to impress him with a cool idea, because he’s never had to do that with TJ. Around him, Cyrus could always just be himself. It had been nice to have someone else come to him with a fun idea just for the two of them . That doesn’t often happen. It had even been an inside joke. TJ had seemed so excited about it.
“Cyrus, honey?” He listens to the door creak open as his mom peers around it. Damn, he was kind of hoping no one would have noticed him come in. He doesn’t really feel like being a person right now, let alone communicating like one. “Is everything okay?”
He sniffs and rubs at his eyes quickly (as if it will make much difference, they’re too red for him to have not been crying). “I’m fine mom, sorry I didn’t say hi.”
The mattress bows slightly as she sits down beside him and places a comforting arm on his shoulder. He doesn’t want to look her in the eye. It’s too hard. However, let it never be said that Leslie Goodman is a bad mother. She is not one to leave her son alone when he’s clearly distressed.
“Cyrus, please look at me. What’s wrong? Did something happen at school?”
With a tired sigh, he struggles up into a sitting position. He doesn’t even know where to begin with explaining everything. As soon as he opens his mouth he finds that words aren’t coming out, and instead another hiccuping sob escapes. His mom makes a sympathetic noise and gathers him into her arms, letting him cry into her shoulder and rocking him gently as he does.
After a few minutes, he manages to calm down. He pulls back and lets his mom wipe the tears away from his face with a worried look.
“What happened, sweetie?”
“I don’t…” Cyrus sighs. The look on his mother’s face is so sympathetic and kind, he can feel himself cracking apart inside. It’s all too much. He breaks like a dam in a storm. “I’m gay, mom.”
“Oh, honey,” she says, voice soft, pulling him back in for another hug and stroking his hair comfortingly. “That’s okay. It’s okay. You’re okay. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me… is that what’s bothering you? Did someone say something at school?”
He shakes his head against her chest and sniffs.
“Then what?”
“It just feels like I’m always second best. With Andi, with Buffy and Jonah, and now… TJ bailed on our costume together to do one with this girl, Kira. I think I told you about her before? The one who was mean to Buffy? And he didn’t even call or text first. I just… I don’t know why? He seemed so excited. It was his idea. Then I got there and he just… wasn’t wearing it. He didn’t even explain. I don’t know what I did to make him not want to go together,” he sighs somewhat helplessly. “I don’t know what I did wrong.”
“I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong, Cyrus. There’s probably a very logical explanation to all of this. Maybe it was just a miscommunication? You and TJ just need to talk it out.”
“I don’t really feel like talking to him at the moment,” he mumbles.
Talking to TJ means facing all these things he’s feeling. Talking to TJ means facing the possibility of rejection all over again. He doesn’t want to think too hard about why the idea of being rejected by TJ, when he’s become so used to rejection from others, scares him so much.
“That’s understandable,” she nods. “You need space and time to get your feelings in order, that’s okay.”
“I’m just… what if he found out that I’m gay, and it weirded him out, and that’s why-”
“Don’t do this to yourself,” his mom leans back and gives him a stern look. “There is nothing weird about being gay. It was probably just a miscommunication like I said. This will pass, I promise. It’s fixable. It’s always fixable.”
They sit there for a while after quiet as Cyrus thinks this over. Maybe his mom is right. Maybe it was a miscommunication. Maybe TJ has a good reason for it all. All he has to do is talk to him.
The problem is, the idea of talking to him is absolutely terrifying, and Cyrus is a little sick of it always being down to him to fix things.
***
It’s a few days later, days of radio silence and remembering the feeling of humiliation over and over again when they finally talk. Cyrus spends a few days wallowing around the house listening to sad songs and eating ice cream until Buffy and Andi bully him into going outside to get some air. They go out on their bikes and get shave ice from the stand by the park. Buffy and Andi make so many jokes it’s obvious they’re trying to distract Cyrus, and he laughs along mostly because he knows that Andi needs it just as much as he does right now. They’ve both had bad weekends.
When the other two have to leave Cyrus decides not to go straight home. It’s a nice day out, the sun beats down on the sidewalk and creates shimmering waves of heat in the air, and the only thing stopping him from overheating is the cool breeze rustling across the grass. He heads to the swingset without thinking about it, dropping his bike to the ground and moving on autopilot. There’s a quiet and oddly hopeful voice in the back of his mind wondering if maybe a familiar face will come by. Maybe, maybe, maybe. He shoves it away, telling himself that’s not what he wants, and lets his feet drag slowly across the woodchips on the ground as he swings. He’s there for ten minutes before that familiar face comes by.
“Can I sit?” A shadow falls across the ground and it’s accompanied by TJ’s voice. Cyrus refuses to smile at the memory of the last time they were in this situation. He refuses to let the words ‘you’re the only person I can talk to like this’ echo in his mind.
His thoughts aren’t very good at obeying what he wants though.
“It’s a free country,” he mumbles. “I can’t stop you from sitting.”
He doesn’t look at TJ, just listens to the clink of the swing chains next to him as he sits down and focuses on the drag of his feet again. He’s afraid of what he’ll see if he looks up. He doesn’t want to see any pity in TJ’s eyes, doesn’t want the sympathy on his face as he leads up to explaining to Cyrus that he’s too weird to hang out with anymore. That he doesn’t want to be his friend. That it was a joke all along. These are the conclusions Cyrus has come to over the past weekend. They make his heart hurt and his stomach twist in the worst way, but they make sense. They make sense to him.
“I’m sorry,” TJ says.
Cyrus doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what he’s even meant to say. His throat feels tight all over a sudden, and he doesn’t think he could get words out if he tried.
TJ sighs. “Do you remember the first time we talked properly? You were so nice to me, even though I didn’t really deserve it,” he huffs out a quiet laugh. “You called me ‘scary basketball guy’.”
It’s frustration that tempts the words out of Cyrus’ mouth. They come out sharper than he intends. He’s just so tired. “What’s your point, TJ?”
“You remember how we were swinging? And I said I had ‘stuff’?”
“Yeah. I remember.” It was the first time Cyrus realised TJ was more than just an intimidating guy who played sports.
“I think that ‘stuff’ affects me more than I realised… I- on Friday, I didn’t switch costumes because I didn’t want to do somersault anymore.”
“Then why’d you do it?”
“I don’t know where to begin with explaining,” TJ says, and his voice is so soft that Cyrus has to look up. His usual air of confidence is missing. His shoulders are hunched and there are bags under his eyes like he’s lost just as much sleep over this as Cyrus has. Suddenly, Cyrus remembers what his mom said about it being a miscommunication. He should at least hear TJ out.
“The start is usually good,” he replies.
There’s a long pause and then TJ exhales slowly. “In that case, I think I have to tell you something.”
Cyrus frowns. “Okay?”
“I’m gay, Cy.”
“What?”
“I’m gay. And… I got scared. Kira is- she’s not a nice person. Last week, she asked me to do a costume with her and I said no because I was already doing one with you. But she… she made it sound like it would be weird. To go with you. Because you’re a guy, right? And then I started thinking maybe it would look weird, maybe people would figure out that I’m- maybe you would realise too, and think it was weird. Maybe I would make you uncomfortable. I’m not ready for people to know about me yet… and I wasn’t ready for you to know. You’re my best friend, and I got so scared that I would lose you... she really freaked me out. So I didn’t call.”
“TJ,” Cyrus says, softly. “I wouldn’t have cared. You know that, right? I’m your friend. I wouldn’t have cared.”
He drops his gaze and nods. “I know that. Buffy said the same thing. I just… I got everything all twisted. I wasn’t really thinking straight. It was dumb. I’m sorry.”
“You talked to Buffy about this?” Cyrus asks in surprise.
“She came to me after school on Friday,” he says. “She was pretty mad. Said you were upset. I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you, Cy. Never. I really am sorry.”
“Stop apologising. You… I get it. I would be scared too.”
“You’re not mad?”
“I was. When I didn’t know what was going on. I thought maybe you didn’t like me anymore, that you’d realised I was annoying or weird and didn’t want to be around me. I felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough… coming in second choice to a bully isn’t exactly a great feeling.”
TJ frowns and reaches out, placing his hand firmly on Cyrus’ shoulder and looking him in the eyes. “Hey, look at me. You will always be my first choice. Never second, never last, always first.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Cyrus smiles at him. It feels like colour is seeping back into the world after being black and white for too long. The heavy pressure on his chest lifts. “In that case, I think I have to tell you something too…”
*
2019
*
Somebody should have warned TJ that being sixteen is not the dream that coming of age movies make it out to be. In actual fact, it sucks. He’s had another growth spurt that means he doesn’t fit any of his clothes quite right, it feels like he has zero control over his own limbs at the moment which is not ideal for basketball, and his emotions are so out of whack he feels like he’s going insane a good eighty per cent of the time. It doesn’t help that lately every time he’s looked at Cyrus he’s had this funny fluttering sensation in his gut that makes him go bright red and fumble all his words. It’s like he woke up one day and suddenly there was Cyrus Goodman, right under his nose, being the most perfect person in existence. He doesn’t know what to do about it. This sudden desire to kiss his best friend is more than a little stressful, to say the least.
In the end, he goes to the girls about it. Andi and Buffy, while not always knowing what they’re talking about, usually have some kind of helpful advice. Over the past two years, his friendship with them has evolved into an unbreakable bond and he’s so grateful to have them… even if they do like to meddle with his life a lot of the time. He spends a lot of time at Andi’s house these days, stealing pizza from their fridge and talking to Bowie about music and plants. The Mack family as a whole is pretty cool. They treat him like one of their own and let him crash on the couch when his own parents are fighting too loud for him to sleep. Even Cece’s icy demeanour is starting to thaw towards him, ever since he started mowing the lawn for her.
“It’s me!” He calls as he opens the front door to the Mack house. They should really start locking it - just about anyone can come in and rob them of the cold takeout leftovers that scatter the counter.
Three hands pop up from the couch and wave. “Hey!” Andi calls back.
He peers over the back of it to find Andi, Buffy and Bex sprawled in a pile on the couch, a large bowl of popcorn and Cheetos balanced on top of them, and High School Musical playing on the television.
“Having a very productive day, I see,” he grins.
“Very,” Bex agrees through a mouthful of food. “Living our best lives.”
He rolls his eyes and goes to grab a soda from the fridge as the three of them struggle up and hit pause on the movie. The other three all stretch and wander over to join him at the kitchen island, picking at the pizza boxes they’d left there earlier.
“So what brings you here?” Buffy asks. “I thought you had plans with Cyrus today.”
TJ grimaces and shrugs. He had had plans with Cyrus. They were going to go get lunch then head over to the Natural History Museum, but last minute he had panicked about not having any good clean clothes and cancelled telling Cyrus he wasn’t really in the mood for going out. He feels bad for lying but he didn’t really know what else to do. Cyrus had offered to come over and hang out instead, and TJ thinks he’s probably worried that his parents’ fighting is making him feel bad again, but TJ had insisted it was all good. He needs to get his head on straight, hence the visit to the Macks.
“You okay?”
“I think I’m in love with Cyrus,” he blurts out, much to his own horror.
Silence falls over the kitchen and he sighs, tapping against the island with one anxious finger.
“Wait… I’m confused,” Bex says. “I thought we already knew that?”
Andi gives her a warning look and elbows her with a hissed, “Shut up!”
TJ frowns. “What? How could you already know that? I didn’t even know until like three days ago.”
“What Bex means to say is…” Andi starts, but she’s cut off by an exasperated Buffy.
“ Obviously you’re in love with Cyrus, TJ. You’ve been into his since you met him,” she says. “Get with the programme already.”
TJ splutters, no idea how to respond to that.
“So did you come here just to tell us what we already know, or what?”
“You’re the worst, you know that?” He shoots back, then sighs again. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him,” all three of them say at once.
He stares at them. “Are you insane? I can’t tell him! Then he’ll know. ”
“Well… duh.”
“Why don’t you want him to know?” Bex asks. “I feel like he’d be pretty happy about it, I mean… he’s been crushing on you forever too, so…”
“Bex!” Andi hisses again. “That was confidential information.”
“Cyrus likes me?” TJ asks, dumbfounded. “Like… likes me likes me?”
They all nod at him slowly and it’s as if the world tilts on its axis for a moment. Cyrus Goodman likes him. As more than just a friend. The most amazing, beautiful, funny boy in the world is actually interested in TJ and feels the same way about him. What the hell? What the hell?
“Okay. So how do I tell him?”
***
In the end, it’s not some grand gesture or night of romance that leads to TJ telling Cyrus how he feels. It’s not a musical number like Andi suggested, or rapping it out like Buffy had told him too (he’s pretty sure it was a joke… at least he hopes it was). It’s a simple night in when TJ can’t avoid Cyrus any longer and agrees to go over and play ping-pong. Despite having spent the last week or so being shaken to the core by his little epiphany, the night is remarkably normal. Cyrus wrecks him in their ping-pong tournament as per usual, they jostle and joke about the same things they’ve been laughing over since forever, and TJ feels calmer than he has in days. Maybe being around Cyrus is all he really needed to work out his thoughts. He can look into Cyrus’ eyes and know that he’s the one person he can always be his true self around without worrying about being judged. He’s the one person that well and truly gets him. He’s the one person that TJ wants to be around all the time and misses when he’s not there.
He is definitely in love with Cyrus Goodman. And he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“It’s good to see you laughing,” Cyrus says, handing him a drink. “You’ve been kind of quiet lately.”
TJ shrugs. “I know. Sorry… I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything. I’ve just been figuring some stuff out.”
“You wanna talk about it?” Cyrus has that hopeful look on his face, the one that always makes TJ feel safe and cared about even when he’s at his lowest. It’s been a tough year and he’s seen that face a lot as of late but it doesn’t ever lessen the impact of it. It makes him want to tell him everything. TJ leans against the table and bites his lip, weighing the odds of this going as well as the girls seemed to think it would against the odds of all his worst fears occurring. Cyrus’ gentle eyes make it hard to believe that he could ever hurt him.
“Promise you won’t freak out?”
Cyrus frowns. “Freak out? Why would I freak out?”
He shrugs again. “You just might, okay? So… promise?
“Okay...” Cyrus says, and then adds quickly, “...you’re not about to tell me you’re dying or something, are you? Because if you are dying I reserve the right to freak out.”
“I’m not dying, Cy.”
“Okay. I promise not to freak out then.”
Here goes. “I have feelings for you.”
Cyrus stares at him. TJ takes a deep breath and wills himself not to look away. After a couple of moments, it becomes evident that Cyrus is not going to move any time soon. TJ waves an uncertain hand in front of his face.
“Cyrus? You good?” Oh God, he’s killed Cyrus.
“You have feelings for me,” Cyrus says very slowly.
TJ nods.
“Like… feelings? As in feelings ?”
“Yes.”
Cyrus sits down heavily on the chair behind him, looking at his hands. TJ’s heart begins to race. This was a terrible idea. Oh God, of course, this was a terrible idea. Cyrus is his best friend. That’s all he is. He doesn’t feel the same way as TJ. The others had been wrong… they’d assumed wrong. Cyrus doesn’t like him. This was a terrible-
“How long have you felt this way?”
“Um,” TJ wishes he knew the answer to that himself. “A while. I think. I only just figured it out recently though.”
“How?”
“What?”
“How did you figure out that you have feelings for me?” Cyrus is looking at him now, face dead serious and expression unreadable. It makes TJ itch. He isn’t used to not being able to tell what Cyrus is feeling. He wears his heart on his sleeve most of the time. He’s one of the most predictable people TJ knows.
“I… I don’t know.”
“Well, there must’ve been something to tip you off.”
“I just realised I guess,” TJ shrugs. “When we went bowling a few weeks ago? You were terrible all night, you shoved me for laughing and then started laughing yourself. I just… something clicked. I just realised.”
“Huh.”
“Huh? That’s all you have to say? I just told you I have feelings for you and all you have to say is ‘huh’.”
“Shush,” Cyrus says, waving him away. “I’m processing. Give me a moment.”
TJ looks up to the heavens and wills himself not to get frustrated. Of course, this is how it’s going. This is just what his life is like. He tells his best friend of two years that he’s got a crush on him and he gets shushed as a result.
“I think we should go on a date,” Cyrus says, jolting TJ out of his thoughts. “Like an official one.”
TJ stares at him. There appears to have been a leap in logic here that he’s missed. “...What?”
“You know, like dinner and a movie or something. Or we could get milkshakes… but we always get milkshakes? I think we should do something different for our first date.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” TJ says. “First date? What are you talking about?”
Cyrus crowns at him again. “What do you mean what am I talking about? I thought you said you liked me?”
“I do!”
“So we should go on a date! That’s what two people do when there’s mutual romantic feelings, TJ!”
There’s a pause.
“You like me too?” TJ asks.
Cyrus stares at him like he’s gone insane. “...Yes? I thought you knew that?”
“What? How was I supposed to know that?!”
“Everyone else is always saying it’s so obvious I just assumed you knew!”
“And you didn’t think to just tell me instead of assuming I’d figured it out?” He asks, slightly aghast. “I don’t know if you noticed, Cy, but I’m kind of dense when it comes to emotions. How the hell would I figure that out on my own?”
“You’re not dense,” Cyrus huffs. “Just a little oblivious sometimes. But you’re right… I should’ve said something.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“Well, I thought you were just ignoring it really. That you didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t want to make things weird by bringing it up.”
“We’re both idiots,” TJ decides aloud. “We could’ve been dating for ages if we’d just talked about it.”
“At least we know now?”
They smile at each other. Yeah… at least they know now.
*
2021
*
Their first real fight is so stupid it hurts. Cyrus isn’t even sure how it happened at first. One second they’re having a perfectly pleasant time hanging out at the park, it’s one of those warm summer evenings and they’re waiting for the fireflies to emerge when the sun goes down, and the next they’re yelling at each other nonsensically as if they’re in the midst of a debate club competition. It’s so intense that all Cyrus can think before he leaves is ‘I have to get out of here’ and then he’s walking away so fast he almost breaks into a sprint. TJ doesn’t follow him.
He walks home alone, arms wrapped around himself tight, and wills himself not to cry. The thing that’s most frustrating about the whole thing is that he’s so used to being logical about these things, being the one who steps back and evaluates the situation before doing anything and being the one to clear up any misunderstandings. He couldn’t do that this time because TJ refused to let him.
For the past few weeks, TJ has been going through a really bad time. His parents finally split after years of fighting like cats and dogs whenever they got the chance. He’d seen it coming, he’d told Cyrus as much, but it was still hitting him hard. All Cyrus wanted was for him to talk to him about it, so he could be there and support him as any good boyfriend should do, but TJ had just told him to stop acting as his therapist for five seconds and it had spiralled from there. Now Cyrus isn’t sure he has a boyfriend left to support.
He gets to the end of his driveway, head a whirlpool of depressing thoughts, before stopping. The lights are on and he knows his parents are home. That was the thing… his parents. He had been in a similar situation to TJ before but at least he’d come out of it with four people who love him more than anything. TJ doesn’t really have that. His father has walked out and his mother isn’t great at being a mom. Cyrus wanted him to know he’s not alone. Wanted to be able to tell him ‘I know what you’re going through’ but hadn’t managed to get that far before the fight.
He can’t bring himself to go in. He just knows his mom will see that something’s wrong and he doesn’t think he’d be able to stop himself from crying over it if she did. So, he turns around and he heads to Jonah’s house.
“You look like you died,” Jonah greets him as he opens the door. “What’s up?”
They find themselves in his room, lounging on his bed and talking about the evening. Cyrus tells him everything. That’s the best thing about his friendship with Jonah, he can trust him with anything. Though Jonah might be a bit of a gossip he’s gotten pretty good at figuring out when to keep his mouth shut around the others and when to intervene. Where Buffy gets angry and Andi gets dramatic, Jonah usually has a fresh point of view. Not that Cyrus doesn’t appreciate the advice of the girls but he knows in this situation their first instinct would probably be to fight TJ themselves and that won’t help. Jonah, however, knows how to be objective about this kind of thing.
“It sounds like you both just need a little bit of space,” is Jonah’s advice right now. “Then when you've calmed down you should just talk it out.”
“What if he doesn’t want to talk?” Cyrus asks. It’s a possibility that he’s been entertaining a little too much. They’ve had disagreements, they’ve had slightly heated debates, but he and TJ have never actually yelled at each other before. He hates the feeling of it. He knows he said some things about TJ’s emotional maturity that were a little too harsh, even if they were true, the same way that TJ’s words about him acting like a psychiatrist more than a boyfriend hit him were mean but, and Cyrus must admit, a little bit right as well. He wouldn’t blame TJ if he’s had enough. If he doesn’t want to be around Cyrus anymore. He wouldn’t blame him at all.
The thought of it feels like someone is squeezing the life out of his heart.
Jonah rolls his eyes at him. “Dude, he’ll want to talk. He cares about you. He’s probably beating himself up just as much as you are right now.”
“But-”
“Everyone fights, Cy. It’s natural for couples to fight.”
Cyrus nods but then says quietly, “Sometimes I worry I’m not good enough for him. I’m just worried this will make him realise that too.”
Jonah hits him.
It’s not a hard hit, just a light thump on the shoulder, but Cyrus veers back because he’s not expecting the angry expression on Jonah’s face. Jonah very rarely gets mad and he’s never directed his anger at Cyrus before.
“Are you kidding me?” He demands.
“What?” He asks, confused.
“You are good enough for him, Cyrus. You’re more than enough for him. I know that, he knows that, you should know that! You have got to stop tearing yourself down, man! No wonder you’re all wound up about this. You’re literally making yourself feel worse for no good reason. It was just a fight. Fights happen. You guys will sort it out. It’s not the end of the world and it’s not the end of your relationship… if anything it will probably be a good thing that you got it all out in the open. Now you guys can talk about it and move past it.”
Cyrus stares at him.
“It’s all about good communication,” Jonah continues. “You taught me that. You’re always telling the rest of us to be less dramatic when it comes to this stuff, so maybe try taking your own advice for once and go talk about it.”
And he’s right. Of course, he’s right.
***
Cyrus doesn’t call, but neither does TJ. Instead, he once again finds himself at the swingset. He doesn’t have to wait this time though - TJ is already there. He looks up as Cyrus approaches, a tentative smile on his face, and the worried knot in Cyrus’ chest loosens a little. He had been building this up in his head, no matter how much he tried to focus on Jonah’s advice, and it had started to make him feel quite sick at the thought of dealing with the whole fight.
“Can I sit?” He asks.
TJ nods to the swing next to him. “Go ahead.”
Cyrus sits, gazing out at the park around them. It’s pretty empty. Quiet. Too quiet for his loud thoughts.
“I’m sorry,” He says at the same time as TJ.
They look at each other and laugh a little. Cyrus gestures at him to go first.
“I shouldn’t have said that stuff about you being a therapist,” TJ says. “It was uncalled for… you were just trying to help and I threw that back in your face.”
“It was fair though,” Cyrus says. “You were right. I do have a tendency to psychoanalyse people when I shouldn’t. I should’ve stopped prying when you made it clear you didn’t want to talk about what was up.”
“I could’ve handled it better.”
“So could I.”
“I guess we were both being kind of stupid, huh?”
“We’re teenagers,” Cyrus shrugs. “We’re not meant to be smart.”
They laugh again, the tension melting again, and Cyrus reaches out his hand to tangle their fingers together. It’s been two years since they got together, but holding hands still gives Cyrus a little thrill. It never gets old. He hopes he never has to stop holding TJ’s hand.
“It’s not my parents that have been messing me up,” TJ sighs.
“Then what is it?”
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “The other day in class we were talking about Romeo and Juliet… I don’t know. It was dumb. One of the girls was making a point about how the story is all about how intense teenage emotions are and how when you’re that age the things you think are rational decisions don’t always seem so rational to everyone else. She said it’s like when you’re in your first relationship and you think it’s going to last forever, but obviously, it’s not because that’s not how life works. Things get in the way. You graduate, you go to college, you move away from one another. You grow up.”
Cyrus’ heart drops. “Are you breaking up with me?” He asks quietly.
TJ’s head snaps around, a look of alarm on his face unlike any Cyrus has seen on him before. “What? No! That’s what I’m trying to say… I don’t want to break up.”
“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”
“I-” TJ swallows. “I started thinking about it and… what if she’s right? We’re leaving for college soon. We’re going to be so far away from each other. What if you meet someone you like better than me? Someone you have more in common with and gets you-”
“You already get me, Teej.”
“Yeah, but-”
“TJ… I’m going to meet a lot of new people, and I’ll probably really like some of them. But I’ll never like any of them the way I like you. You’re my first choice.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“What if-”
“No, shut up a second,” Cyrus says, sliding off the swing and struggling to his feet so he can face him properly. “I am never going to choose someone over you because I love you too much for that. This thing? Between the two of us? This is it for me. I’m not sure of a lot of things. I don’t know how the future is going to turn out, but if there’s one thing I’m certain of it’s that when it comes to my future I know it’s you. It’s always been you.”
“You love me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” Cyrus bites back a smile. “Is that really what’s been stressing you out so much?”
TJ nods. “I just… I got scared. I don’t want to lose you because… I love you too.”
The thing is, Cyrus has known that TJ loves him for a long time. He never needed words to confirm it. It’s something TJ has shown him time and time again with all the things he’s done for him. However, hearing it for the first time is going to be something he never forgets. The words sound like a promise.
It’s funny, how something as simple as three little words can reassure him that his future is locked in. It’s that moment in the park, a day after their first fight and four years after meeting for the first time, that Cyrus Goodman knows TJ Kippen is never leaving him. It doesn’t matter if other people think it’s unlikely that they’ll stay together. It doesn’t matter if other people think the two of them are wrong. They belong together and he’s never been more certain of anything in his life.
The world is theirs; they’re going to take it by storm.