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Chapter 3.
The remaining sunlight had cast a half shadow over the room by the time evening had rolled around and Yoongi decided he was finished for the day in Genius Lab. It had been productive, and the first day his recent heatstroke hadn't clouded his mind and drained his body. The fact Jungkook had stayed with him all day was… surreal.
He kept wondering, why wasn’t he bored? Surely he should have left by now to do something better, practice, even; or just told Yoongi to make conversation because he was boring and quiet and bad company. That's what the others ceaselessly tease him about. But he hadn’t.
Yoongi had trouble containing his grateful surprise for the maknae's... tolerance? Yeah, tolerance, of him. Jungkook had really come into his own in being patient and well mannered, he thought.
With no set dinner plans, and the rest of the night a blank canvas, Yoongi decided he was going to take Jungkook out to dinner to say thank you, for everything. Not just for tending to him when he was sick, but for acting like he cared and gave a shit when everyone else found Yoongi weird and aloof which was--fine. It was fine.
Jungkook and Yoongi enjoyed their routine whenever they went out. No one talked too much or made things heavy, they just ate, and talked about this and that, and for once it was a welcome relief from all of their friends who brought their stress with them. It was an unspoken agreement between the two, and because they both enjoyed the easy-going company, it was a safe bet that neither would ever turn down an invitation to dinner.
“Jungkook-ah, it’s getting late so I think I’m calling it a day.” Yoongi announced, standing up from the piano bench abruptly and startling Jungkook who was breezily learning to play ‘Chopsticks’.
Jungkook frowned. “Oh. Okay. Will I see you later at home, before practice tomorrow Hyung?” He asked with a downgaze. Yoongi couldn't tell, but Jungkook had held in a downgaze as he waited for some kind of response.
“Uh, I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out and get some barbeque Yanggochi?”
The older knew this was a shout, and knew Jungkook had been asking to go and eat the barbeque lamb skewers since they accidentally encountered some at an awards’ show buffet in Seoul.
Jungkook’s face lit up, and the breath he had been holding burst out quickly. “Really?! That would be so great hyung- I mean, if you’re sure you don’t want me to let you have some time to yourself,” the younger boy beamed, his eyes crinkled and his smile all teeth.
Yoongi’s mouth quirked into a little smile in response. Those upturned eyes and that bunny smile made Yoongi’s heart burst. He didn't know why. But they always had.
“Of course, come with me Jungkookie. A company driver can take us there, my favourite place that do them is on the other side of the city though. But, if we keep our heads down, act respectfully, we won't draw attention. It's not that kind of neighbourhood."> Jungkook considered this first a second. The maknae responded by closing the piano lid carefully, and looked up at the older boy with more excitement in his expression than sense. “Definitely. Please, let’s go.”
The boys knew damn well it was both unpractical and downright dangerous for them to go out in public without bodyguards or a single PA with them - but the risk, the adrenaline rush they would get from sneaking out like teenagers and the chance to be themselves, be by themselves with no professional expectation - it made it feel so worth it. It was one hell of a rush. The type that makes your body buzz and makes you feel like the air is clear around you, and for the first time, you can see everything.
-
“Okay, this is the best Yanggochi I’ve ever had. Ever.” Jungkook exclaimed, he looked like a little boy with his wide eyes and his grabby hands at the small mountain of lamb skewers laid out on a wooden plate between them.
Yoongi laughed, and rolled his eyes a little. “It might just be because we’re really fucking hungry, but yeah, Jungkook. The best food is always in the nooks of the city; it was like that in Daegu too.”
“Do you miss Daegu, Hyungie?” Jungkook asked with a mouthful of lamb and a soft, wide eyed expression.
“Fuck no.” Yoongi chortled, expecting Jungkook to laugh and be satisfied with the short answer, but the older looked up, and Jungkook was frowning again. Daegu in his experience had been a culmination of family dysfunction, and paranoia, and controlling school systems, and blatant bigotry. Home had never been Daegu, it barely even carried sentimental value to Yoongi.
Unsatisfied, Jungkook persisted further asking the older boy, “Yoongi hyung, were you lonely back there?”
Yoongi just shrugged and sighed.
This was maybe the fourth time Jungkook had asked him a question like that tonight; and it caught the older boy off guard every time. Why did Jungkook keep asking about his feelings, unlike everyone else who kept it light and just let it go? Why was Jungkook trying so hard to-- care?
He didn’t know if he knew how to respond, even if he trusted Jungkook. The familiar knot in his stomach and the iron vice in his throat made its sudden appearance, always happening when Yoongi wanted to express his own feelings. The ones that didn't make him look badass, that he couldn't rap about or make morbid jokes about in front of cameras.
After a pregnant pause, Yoongi’s body language uncomfortable and his mouth open like he was trying to find the words-- Jungkook spoke again. “It’s okay Hyung, don’t worry. Sorry, I’m being too nosy.” The younger takes in a deep breathe and looks up at Yoongi again. “I get so lonely sometimes, so, I just think a lot of people must get so lonely it hurts. But when I really pay attention, I think some people don't talk about their pain. But it must still be there, all the time and I- I”
Jungkook's mind is buzzing like static, but his mouth keeps running with aborted instructions in his drunkenly tired state.
"You make me want to take your pain away, hyung." His breath hitches, "Not just the heatstroke that I would nurse you over and over for, but all of it. And I would be the person you've looked for your whole life, if things were different."
And at this point Jungkook thinks he sounds like a moron, and it might sound like he’s trying to slide into some awkward friend zone with Yoongi, but he just hoped Yoongi could se through it. See what hes trying to say, without having to talk it out when Jungkook felt so out of his depth in his own identity. As an individual.
Yoongi ran his hands through his hair. “No Kook, it’s okay- I just...I’m just not used to talking about...feelings. I never- I dont do it well. I dont want to let people down.” the older boy replied hesitantly. His eyes were wide and intense, a vulnerability so unusual for the rapper.
Earnestly, Jungkook met his gaze and said "well, you're doing a good job with me."
Yoongi decided to order from the alcohol menu after that, and changed the subject quickly because his brain was screaming at him for one thing, different to the usual self loathing after an emotional talk. What the fuck does 'if things were different' mean? Did he? No-
Yoongi didn't want to allow himself to slip into that particular fantasy realm when he wasn't by himself, where Min Yoongi could talk about his feelings and actually tell people he was pansexual, and Jungkook wouldn't just like girls, and Jungkook would say he liked him back and knew what weight it carried. The realm he repressed and compartmentalised so well that he only let himself wonder, as a possibility, with his eyes closed and his mind wandering late at night.
And Jungkook let him wonder what that sentence had meant. He felt a little squeeze of guilt in his stomach; it wouldn’t have been fair to Yoongi to force him to talk about the fact Jungkook might not be straight and definitely was in love with Min Yoongi. Because if Jungkook did care about him, he should respect Yoongi being comfortable with how their relationship was, no matter the hopelessness that swallowed him.
The more Yoongi drank, and the more Jungkook joined in with drinking, the more the tension that the younger boy had felt seemed to melt away. Talking about things that involved them but not enough to make things tense again.
Soon their ‘quick meal’ turned into an evening out, the conversation coaxed along by glasses of red wine, and bottles of soju, and small glasses of whiskey, and an Irish bomb for Yoongi and a strange fruit cocktail for Jungkook. Everything was tinted with a warm glow since the last drink, and Jungkook’s head felt strangely like he was living in slow motion; slow like molasses. The loneliness wasn't there right now.
Whatever the conversation turned to was funny now, and Yoongi laughed at Jungkook’s expressions, and at his impressions of the other members, and even at his own stories from their debut days when they would steal each other's underwear. Somehow, the more he laughed, Yoongi felt an odd sense of comfort like a familiar soft blanket. Comfort that things would always be okay with Jungkook.
-
Seoul’s usual hammering noise and bustle had fallen and settled into a cool, quiet nighttime. Muffled bassy music could be heard from restaurants and nightclubs, but the streets were mostly bare; the city had now fallen asleep. Still a spectacle however, were the twinkling stars littering the deep blue sky, and the lights from skyscrapers all around twinkling back up at them.
As the two headed outside the steamy, small restaurant and into the brisk night are, Yoongi pulled out his phone from his front pocket, and checked the time. “Fuck.”
“What’s wrong hyung?” Jungkook walked behind him, suddenly feeling unbalanced and giddy from the alcohol he had consumed.
“Jungkook-ah, it's too late to call a company car because all the staff stop working at 9, and it’s uh, it’s 12.05am.” Yoongi bit his lip apologetically and squinted down the street for any idea as what to do.
“Ah shit. And we only have credit cards, so no taxi.” Jungkook added, wringing his hands together anxiously.
He felt the unpleasant crawl of panic up his abdomen and into his chest, and took in a deep breath of air before his body had the chance to hijack his lungs and send him into a full panic attack. How the fuck were they going to get out of this one? They were going to get recognised -- or the company would find out and they would all be put on a curfew and the other members would absolutely tear into them for being stupid--
He was upset, and scared, and dizzy thanks to the soju he had drunk but he still felt a lot better with Yoongi there. Yoongi made him feel safe.
“Aish, I’m sorry for getting you into this. I’ll get us home, don’t worry,” Yoongi kicked his feet on the curb and scratched his neck, before looking at the embankment across from the little restaurant and snorting, “Hey Jungkook, we could always ride a free city bike back to Gangnam-Gu, huh? How about it?”
Jungkook smiled at him in the dim light, supposing it was the drinking that had stupored Yoongi into making banter at a sort of serious oopsie. The maknae followed the older across the road, and scratched his head as Yoongi ran his hand down the length of one of the city bikes. “Perfect,” he smiled mischievously. “I even know the most scenic and direct route back to our neighbourhood from here Kookie, come on, hop on my sweet ride.”
He must be joking.
-
Unfortunately for Jungkook's naive trust, Yoongi was completely serious.
It had been Yoongi’s idea to ride the bike in the first place, so Jungkook let the older boy pedal and steer, while Jungkook clung onto him like a koala, or some sort of awkward, oversized baby monkey. Yoongi wasn’t setting a leisurely pace on the bike, either, his slender legs were a blur in the dark and they were travelling down these city streets easily as fast as a car, probably quicker.
There was something so mesmerising, so surreal about holding Yoongi so close and being on a bike at nighttime that made time seem to stop around them. Jungkook felt equally exhilarated and entranced; Yoongi shouting to the empty streets choruses of, “Woohoo! Yeah!” And Jungkook had never seen him so alive, so free as he was right then- as when he was performing in front of thousands of their fans.
Going past a block of locked clothes’ stores and late night bars, Jungkook rested his head on the older boy’s shoulder, and simply took in the view of the urban landscape, the street lamps and neon signs and advertisements, the whistle of the wind through the buildings, and the distant sound of traffic and drunken laughter.
Abruptly, Yoongi sharply turned a corner without any warning, and the bike dipped suddenly as they started to go down a street on a downwards hill. Jungkook shrieked before he registered he could even register the noise leaving his lips, Yoongi laughing at the maknae, and howling out to the sky in pure exhilaration, like a wolf into the night.
It was all Jungkook could do not to fall off the bike or pass out, holding onto Yoongi much tighter than before, his arms moving down from Yoongi’s ribs to wrapping tightly around his waist, fists bunched in Yoongi’s shirt, and the maknae burrowing his face into the crook of Yoongi’s neck. He feels dependent and safe holding Yoongi like this; cheek to cheek. He thinks he could stay like this forever.
A few minutes goes by and Jungkook realises he recognises the streets as they pass by now, Yoongi having taken them through quiet, sleeping residential streets the whole way back so as not to be recognised or followed by members of the public. Yoongi lets out a long breath in between his laboured breathing, and he shifts slightly so he meets Jungkook’s eyes in the corner of his own,
“Jungkook-ah, I wish we could keep cycling like this until we cross the edge of Seoul and just keep going. Never have to stop- just cycle as far as we could and just escape- just for a bit- we could disguise ourselves and just be normal damn people again- just have our freedom back.” And it seems like Yoongi has slowed down a little, like he doesn’t want their bike ride to end so soon.
“I know, hyung.” Jungkook whispers sympathetically, chin rested on Yoongi’s shoulder, and squeezes Yoongi a little tighter in solidarity. Yoongi breathes in a little harder and something about his expression flickers, Jungkook notices even in the dark, and at first he’s worried Yoongi is sad, but in the lamplight of the street he can see a rosy blush over Yoongi’s cheeks. Yoongi is smiling a little, and he's blushing. He's blushing.
It would make logical sense seeing as the rapper was exerting himself peddling for both their body weight- except Jungkook knew that Yoongi didn’t blush when they were dancing to choreography or even afterwards when he was sweaty and tired, and he was smiling softly... But, it must just be the alcohol making his face red, Jungkook thought.
-
Once they reached their neighbourhood, a few streets away from the security patrolled cul-de-sac of apartments where their dorm was, Yoongi announced that besides a particular bus shelter was the closest city-bike rack to their apartment, that they needed to ditch the bike there and walk the rest of the way back. Jungkook nodded against Yoongi’s shoulder.
Jungkook realised getting off of bikes was much harder than getting on them, as he swung his legs over the saddle and jumped off after Yoongi, and then remembered how substantially under-the-influence they both were, feeling wobbly on his feet.
Yoongi wondered if the cold night air and a person's blood/alcohol level somehow reacted, because by the time they had got past the security check in at the bottom of their own fenced neighbourhood, both boys were out of breath, panting and dizzy, and found themselves laughing asthmatically over nothing except the stupid decisions they had just made. The steep hill up to their apartment complex was also unforgiving after cycling for half an hour, and Yoongi soon found himself trailing behind Jungkook and pulling on the back of his shirt, and reaching for an arm to hold to be able to keep up. In the dark, he found Jungkook’s hand, and held it tight and he used it as leverage to anchor himself the rest of the way home. He also felt how icy Jungkook’s fingers were, the boy only wearing a t-shirt and loose overshirt, and he squeezed Jungkook’s hand in his own and intertwined their fingers to warm the boy up.
Finally standing on the grand, marble steps on the porch to the foyer of their building, the boys stopped, and Yoongi felt like he was meant to let go of Jungkook’s hand now, but he didn’t want to.
When Jungkook then stopped close in front of Yoongi and turned to him, Yoongi felt embarrassed and looked to the sky.
“Hey, I never even noticed the stars out tonight,” Yoongi said thoughtfully, taking in the natural wonder of the sky which was usually clouded by light pollution.
Jungkook looked at the older boy with affection, and then joined his gaze on the stars above them, “They’re so pretty, aren’t they Hyung?”
Yes , Yoongi said very softly. “They’re beautiful.” He continued. “I remember studying in high school that they’re all already dead, but I still think they’re beautiful. And look at this one, Kook-” Yoongi let go of Jungkook’s hand then, but puts it on the boys shoulder instead, holding their sides together, and with the other hand, points to a particularly bright constellation Jungkook knows.
“Yeah, that’s the scorpius constellation,” Jungkook tells him, “because it looks like a scorpion missing it’s limbs.” At that point, Jungkook wasn't even sure how he ended up in the spot he was, with the person he was, but everything felt perfect, and he didn’t even want to breathe too hard in case it blew away this precious moment of peace.
He loves Yoongi so much.
“It’s kind of beautiful in a fucked up way, isn’t it? I mean, just. All of it.” Yoongi says. Jungkook realised then that Yoongi was no longer looking at the scorpius constellation, but was looking at Jungkook.
Yoongi dropped his hand from Jungkook’s shoulder, releasing him, but Jungkook breathes in and takes Yoongi’s hand back into his own. And in that moment, Yoongi could feel Jungkook’s breath on his face, and saw Jungkook’s eyes meet his and they are so enraptured, all they could see was each-other- and Yoongi wants to kiss him, could kiss him, but this- Jungkook is his bandmate, his dongsaeng, and this isn’t right.
He doesn’t kiss him. And then, Jungkook says-
“Yeah, it is. It’s beautiful.” Jungkook says softly, meeting Yoongi’s eyes in the dark.
“Hey, Kook,” After a second, Yoongi says in a hushed voice, “Thank you. For everything.”
Jungkook feels his heart beat twice in a row. He smiles tenderly, silently, and squeezes Yoongi’s hand tighter.