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“You have to stop.”
Roy paused his silent musings to look at Jason. The vigilante was still leaning over the balcony railing, staring at the sprawling city below them, but instead of the wonder his gaze usually held, his muscles were tensed and he looked ready for a fight.
Proceeding with caution, Roy turned around so he too was facing the city instead of the 15th story apartment they’d commandeered as a temporary base. “Stop what?”
The muscle in Jason’s jaw jumped and Roy tried not to think about what that movement would feel like beneath his lips. “Loving me.”
“Woah, woah, woah, getting a little ahead of yourself there, Jay?” Roy joked, trying to keep the panic welling in his chest out of his voice. “Don’t get me wrong, your plenty attractive, but we both know Nightwing is the only one for me.”
Jason’s mouth twisted in what was either annoyance, or an attempt not to smile. “Please don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
Never one to admit defeat, Roy tried to derail the conversation again. “Is this because I went easy on you last time we played rooftop tag? I was just trying to help a friend’s self esteem out, but-”
“Roy.”
The sound of his name coming from Jason’s lips had always done things to Roy’s knees, but now it stopped him in his tracks. Jason wasn’t exactly the sort to talk about feelings-- like, ever-- and he looked just as uncomfortable as Roy would expect, but he’d learned to read Jason’s body language over the years and his friend wasn’t backing down.
Roy found that he could no longer meet Jason’s eyes. Not when they were filled with poorly disguised worry and pain, so instead he slumped over the railing, his hair mercifully covering his face. “How’d you know?”
Jason swallowed thickly. “I see the way you look at me. I’ve known for a while, just couldn’t bring myself to say anything until now.”
“Do you want me to leave?” Roy asked, resigned.
“No.”
Roy’s head snapped up. He’d expected Jason to either pull him into bed or be so disgusted he put a few bullets in his chest when he found out Roy was in love with him. Talking about it wasn’t something he’d even considered. And the way every word seemed to hurt Jason wasn’t making it any easier to understand. “What?”
“You shouldn’t-” Jason couldn’t seem to finish his sentence, so he started over with a sharp intake of breath, “You shouldn’t love people like me. I’ve got blood on my hands and poison in my veins. I’ll only hurt you.”
“Poetic,” Roy commented dryly.
Jason shot him an annoyed look that was so normal Roy almost smiled. “I’m serious Roy. It would be good at first, great even, but then things would get hard. We’d have a fight or I’d start overthinking or any number of other things, and I’d leave. There wouldn’t be any warning and I sure as hell wouldn’t stop to talk about it first, you’d just wake up one morning to an empty bed and that would be it. I wouldn’t say goodbye, and I wouldn’t look back. You’d never see me again.”
The words sounded vaguely threatening, but Jason’s voice was just broken, his eyes almost pleading as he held Roy’s shocked stare. “I’m bad for you Roy. I’m not relationship material and it doesn’t matter how much I-” Jason cut himself off abruptly, biting his lip to keep the words in, but his eyes betrayed him when they slid down to look at Roy’s lips before he pulled himself together again. “It doesn’t matter how much I care about you, I will hurt you. And if you keep loving me, I don’t know how much longer I can say no.”
Even the city far below seemed to be holding its breath while Jason waited for the archer’s response.
Roy’s expression was carefully guarded as he said, “Well we both know how I feel about things that are bad for me.”
“Roy.” It was probably intended to be stern, but it came out out more pleading than angry.
“What makes you so sure you’d hurt me Jason?” Roy asked, subconsciously shifting slightly closer to the other.
Jason looked around in distress before answering, “Because I’ve hurt everyone else who’s ever given a damn about me. Why would you be any different?”
“I already am different,” Roy pointed out. “I’m not Bruce or Dick or your parents, I’m me. How long have we been together Jason?”
He tried to think back, to count the years they’d been fighting side by side, but it was hard. He could barely remember a time when Roy wasn’t with him. He’d spent so long repressing his memories from before the pit, and the first year or two after the pit was a rage filled Lazarus green blur. Then he’d found Roy, and… well, that was that.
Finally giving up on an exact count, Jason settled with saying, “A couple years.”
Roy nodded. “And in that time you haven’t hurt me. We’ve had arguments, yeah. Some bigger than others and you’ve left before, but you came back Jason. You came back to me.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m good for you,” Jason protested weakly.
Roy scoffed. “Let’s see, since we’ve been together I’ve gone straight- I mean I’m gayer than ever, but I haven’t killed and I’m back in hero work- I’m off the drugs, and I’ve become a better father to Lian than I ever would have without you. If it weren’t for being friends with you, I’d probably be dead right now. Enemy bullet or overdose, who knows, but I wouldn’t be here to take care of Lian and drag your sorry ass out of fires.”
Jason’s lips quirked up. “Fires you start.”
Beaming, Roy slapped him on the back, saying, “And who would be here to remind me of that without you?”
They enjoyed the moment of levity until Jason said, “You say that now, but you don’t know what the future holds. I don’t want to be another one of your regrets.”
“Even if you did hurt me, nothing- and I mean nothing- could make me regret our time together. You’re one of the best things that's ever happened to me, aside from Lian of course.” Roy bit his lip, his voice softening as he continued, “Sometimes it feels like my life has just been one huge mistake. Maybe everyone would have been better off if Oliver had never taken me in. Trained me. Even though I hate him more often than not, if he hadn’t been there… sometimes it’s best not to dwell on it, but I’ve never felt like that around you.”
“Why, ‘cause I’m an even bigger fuck up?” Jason asked tonelessly.
Roy frowned. “No. Because you know what it feels like to be betrayed, and hurt, and angry, but to get up anyway. To keep fighting and to win. You probably don’t even know how much you’ve helped me- inspired me just by being yourself.”
Jason’s eyes were wide. “You were the one who helped me,” he choked out.
Roy rolled his eyes with a fond smile, punching Jason lightly on the arm. “Let’s just say we helped each other and leave it at that.” Jason let out a choked laugh.
Roy gave himself a moment to soak it all in, eyes tracing the lines of Jason’s face, trying to memorize all of it in case this was the end for them. His next words might just drive his partner away for good, but they needed to be said. “You make me happy. You make me a better person and a better hero. I’ve thought about the consequences, I know what I’m doing, and I still love you.” He’d expected it to feel strange to say the words aloud, but they rose to his lips without hesitation.
Jason looked like someone had knocked the wind out of him, eyes comically wide and mouth open. “You… love me?”
Roy smiled softly. “Yeah. You were the one who said it first you know.”
“Sure, but I never expected you to say it,” Jason’s voice came out strangled and he took a step closer to Roy without seeming to realize what he was doing.
Roy was just about to fire back when he became aware of just how close they’d gotten. Jason was fully facing him now, close enough his chest was almost brushing Roy’s arm where it was braced against the balcony railing that he was still leaning over. All Roy had to do was lean up a little and…
Roy straightened, turning to face Jason. He stared into Jason’s light blue eyes, trying to memorize the green tint you could only see with proximity or anger. “I love you,” he said simply.
Jason sucked in a breath. “God, I don’t think you know what that does to me.”
Roy smirked, leaning fractionally closer. “I love you Jason Peter Todd. I have loved you for a long time and I will continue to love you for even longer. I love you because you read ridiculously old books that are boring as all hell, but your eyes light up anyway. Because you always have a sarcastic retort that makes me laugh and because nothing fazes you. Because I wouldn’t be me if I hadn’t met you and I love you bec-”
Jason pulled Roy in with a hand on the back of his neck, covering the archer's mouth with his own and effectively shutting him up.
Humming approvingly, Roy relaxed against him and sliding his arms around Jason’s waist to press their bodies together. Jason slipped his free hand into his hair, tugging in all the right places and making Roy moan into his mouth.
Why hadn’t they had this conversation months ago? Think of all the lost time. Roy would have to point that out to Jason when he was able to put together a whole sentence again.
Jason’s lips slid over his own, soft and inquisitive. Roy answered whatever the question was with a resounding yes, opening his mouth so that Jason could deepen the kiss.
Roy’s thumbs rubbed encouraging circles into Jason’s hips, slipping under his shirt to stroke the bare skin above his waist band. Jason moaned into the kiss, tugging on Roy’s hair happily in response.
They finally pulled apart, resting their foreheads against each other and panting for air.
“That was-” Roy began, but before he could finish with an adjective that would inevitably fail to describe the perfection of what he’d just experienced, Jason cut him off.
“I love you too.”
The meager train of thought Roy had been able to regain wrecked.
Even though Jason had totally failed to shut him down, had almost said something similar before cutting himself off earlier, and had just made out with Roy, he still hadn’t expected Jason to say that.
Jason laughed in relief at having gotten the words out. “That’s why hurting you scares me so much.”
“Would it be inappropriate to initiate sex with you right now?” Roy asked breathlessly.
Jason hummed, pretending to think it over. “Since when have you given a damn about propriety?”
Roy whooped with success, wrapping his arms around Jason’s neck and then his legs around Jason’s waist. Laughing, he carried Roy into the apartment.
And to think, this very situation was exactly what Roy had been musing about when Jason had started this conversation.
***
Jason braced his hands on the railing of the balcony, staring at the city sprawled bellow, but not really seeing it.
What had he done.
He’d let pretty words confuse him and cloud his judgement. He shouldn’t have thought for even a night what he’d done- who he was- was okay. Roy was going to hate him when he-
Roy.
Jason’s already blank eyes fluttered closed.
He could still feel Roy. Every inch of him. Skin against skin; clothes being haphazardly shed and discarded; Roy laughing at nothing and pulling Jason into bed on top of him; staring down at Roy spread beneath him and wondering how he got so lucky; Roy’s fiery hair fanning out on the sheets as he whispered all the things he wanted Jason to do to him; Roy gripping the sheets so hard they could have torn at any moment until Jason threaded their fingers together instead and Roy held onto him like he was the only anchor in a hurricane; Roy panting for breath and gasping Jason’s name with each exhale like it was the only word he could remember, screaming it at the top of his lungs to echo around the apartment, and whimpering it right against Jason’s ear-
His eyes snapped open as he pulled in great lungfuls of the cool morning air.
It didn’t matter. He was going to fuck it up like he always did. He’d only end up hurting Roy.
He should leave. Now. Before Roy woke up and realized how much he regretted last night, how much he hated Jason.
God, he was an idiot. How could he have let this happen?
He had a go bag in the closet (he always had a go bag in the closet, no matter where he was). He could be gone before Roy-
No.
The word sliced through Jason’s panic like a bullet through flesh, quieting the roar until it was nothing but white noise. It sounded eerily like Roy.
Do you regret having sex with him?
Again, the phantom touches brushed against his skin. Jason had never really liked sex all that much, but Roy…
Jason’s mind took another unscheduled field trip back to last night.
“Are you sure Jay? We don’t have to. Really, I’ll be happy with whatever you’re comfortable with.”
He hadn’t had a name for what he’d felt when Roy had said that, but he was pretty sure he had one now.
Then there was the second round, and the third, and…
Yeah. He didn’t regret it. Only what it might do to their partnership.
Roy told you rather explicitly he wouldn’t regret this, so why are you so worried?
Sure, but what if Roy woke up, and he felt differently?
You can’t plan for that, and you can’t protect yourself from it. All you can do is trust that he won’t.
What if Jason hurt him?
The only way you could hurt him now is if you leave.
The scarily Roy like voice was right. Jason squared his shoulders. He wouldn’t run. Not from this. Not from Roy. Never from Roy.
“Jaaay, come back to bed,” called a drowsy voice from inside the apartment.
He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he padded barefoot towards Roy’s beckoning voice. The redhead was tangled in the sheets from the waist down, but his bare torso was twisted to face Jason and his eyes were droopy, but open.
He smiled sleepily up at Jason. “‘Morning.”
Jason smiled right back. “Good morning.”
Roy lifted the sheet invitingly, rolling over to make room for Jason who slid in behind him, hugging the archer to his chest.
“Hey, Jason?”
He hooked his chin over Roy’s shoulder. “Yeah?”
“I don’t regret a second of it.”