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people tend to say he is reckless.
hot-headed. have no common sense. utterly and gobsmackingly stupid. first impression isn’t always nice, he knows. but soobin thinks people these days have the tendency to trust their eyes more than heart. so it doesn’t matter. because he is his own person, rightfully so. he doesn’t need people to tell him otherwise.
(and yet sometimes, he wishes he’s stupid.)
because that way, he can ignore the glaring truth and live in bliss forever.
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“soobin-hyung, why are you still awake? it’s almost one in the morning, you know?”
soobin straightens himself, head turning to find kai standing at the mouth of his door. his heart skips a beat when their eyes collide with each other and he knows immediately that he’s a lost case. so he musters his best smile – not too wide, but not too small either – trying so hard to not tear his legs away when those eyes fill him with so much confusion, so many contradictions.
“huening-ah,” he begins. “we need to talk.”
“you need to talk, you mean.” kai turns his question back at him, lifting the corner of his mouth softly. he melts at that effortless smile in a heartbeat. “what is it, soobin-hyung? did you have another nightmare?”
he tightens his mouth at that, lips meeting in silence. after the death of his parents, soobin was lost. the moment he saw their lifeless eyes staring back at him, reality sunk deep into his bones, the sting of losing and remembering was like a harsh wakeup call and suddenly he wasn’t breathing anymore. he wasn’t alive anymore.
they said that it will eventually get better without any sort of explanation; you just wake up one morning not as upset anymore. soobin calls bullshit. it’d taken years for him to come this way, and even now the pain is still fresh; still there. he still has trouble sleeping and sometimes when he looks in the mirror all he can see is the worn-out boy who’d never made his peace.
but then again, there's kai in his life now and everything feels a little bit better. a little bit brighter. if he’s gone from his side, if he has to relieve the same pain all over again, soobin doesn’t think that he can keep on living anymore. that’s why—
please don’t leave me.
“no. it’s not that.” soobin says ambiguously after a long pause, eyes darkening. “just… follow me, okay?”
“you’re acting weird…” kai murmurs quietly then throws him a look, an unreadable one, before tipping his head cutely into a side. “are you sure you’re okay?”
soobin only nods at him before he brings the younger boy closer into his side. he ignores the way kai stares at him and pulls him away from the apartment they’re currently living in by hands. small pebbles crunch faintly under the sole of their shoes as they walk by. the smell of rain and fresh air whips his nose at once, making him all too aware that they’re not home right now.
(oh well, it’s not like they have a home to begin with.)
after a while, his steps begin to fall and suddenly he finds them standing far in the distance, a little bit closer to the outskirts, but safe enough from curious ears. concealing the doubts away, he tries to locate his wavering voice but it seems like he fails right away the moment he catches his eyes.
“soobin-hyung?” kai says. “what do you want to tell me?”
“something,” he begins after staring at him for a while; eyes darting between his face and the dull sky. he has been thinking about this a countless time before, and yet he dares not to voice the question. but now—now, soobin thinks he’s ready. “did something happen between both of you?”
“huh? who are you talking about?” he blinks. “i don’t—”
kai stops suddenly, awareness flickering inside his eyes. soobin has to bit his tongue hard to keep his emotions in control, but he makes it difficult by zeroing those sharp tangerine orbs into his own.
“say—” he pauses, frowning. “is this about yeonjun-hyung?”
“no—i mean yes, wait,” he sighs and wipes his face harshly. he feels so nervous but he doesn’t even know why. “just… tell me, okay? did something happen or not?”
“what are you…” kai clamps his teeth on his lower lip as if he’s trying to find the right – what is right, really? – words to say. his caramel orbs move towards him for seconds, before he settles his sight away into the dull ocean. “what do you want me to say, soobin-hyung?”
“i…” he stops for a moment, sighing. “i don’t know either. tell me, kai, what does it mean to you?”
“what is?” he whispers. “i don’t understand.”
“don’t li—” he pauses in mid-sentences, sighing again. “just—just tell me this; is there something between the two of you that i have to know about?”
soobin’s heart lurches when kai widens his eyes at the question, a twin of tangerine pools fill with so many emotions before they disappear into a smile which doesn’t reach his eyes and suddenly he’s left with the shutters intact once more.
“i helped him, that’s all.” kai still smiles when he settles his eyes against his; softly; discreetly. “in the three months that you were gone, he was devastated. he was so alone, soobin-hyung.” i was alone too; goes unsaid. “—and i happened to be there. i couldn’t just leave him alone, could i? so i helped him… i helped him and maybe he’s a little grateful to me. but that’s it. that’s all. things… just happen like that.”
soobin watches him, watches him tentatively, and notices a glimmer of sadness and doubt lingering at the corner of his eyes.
is that really the truth?
“soobin-hyung?”
it’s not a lie, right?
“soobin-hyung? what’s wrong?”
but what if he’s lying?
soobin shakes his head and forces a smile through his numb lips.
what if—
“i’m okay.” he says. “just… forget i ever asked.”
—i was too late?
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“i love him.”
yeonjun doesn’t even flinch when he utters those word quietly like it has just dawned on him for a moment. instead, he shrugs his shoulder off and points his index finger at him. “you’re an idiot.” he says. “it’s hard to not notice.”
“really?” soobin blinks. “i thought i hid it well.”
“you did.” yeonjun agrees quietly and pulls back his hand. “but your eyes—they are too expressive. i don’t know about the others, but i can see it clearly. your eyes did a good job of telling people how you feel better than your body.”
soobin hides a grin. maybe talking to yeonjun is the right answer. because yeonjun would notice. yeonjun would understand. they’re not best friends for nothing.
“stop grinning like that, you look ridiculous.” yeonjun mutters. “anyway, you don’t have to hide it. well, from me at least.”
the grin promptly falls. soobin fixes his sight at him and notices something – he doesn’t know what it means, because he can’t read it, he can’t read him – drifts across his eyes. talking to yeonjun doesn’t feel like the right choice now. “are you…” he stops, collecting his thoughts. “are you okay with this?”
yeonjun freezes for a second or two, before he carves a smile as if the pause never happened in the first place. “why wouldn’t i?”
because you li—love him too, you idiot.
“i don’t know.” soobin forces a lie. “you… you look really comfortable with him for the past weeks. i think—”
“there’s nothing between us if that’s what you want to know.” he cuts him off almost immediately. “so you don’t have to worry about me.”
“but yeonjun-hyung—” he bites his lip, pausing. “are you… are you really okay with this?”
“i’m your best friend, not your parents.” he snorts. “why should i be concerned with your love life?”
“uh.” soobin blinks; once, twice; before something heavy settles on his heart once more. “okay.”
why did you have to lie, hyung?
they lapse into silence, no one is talking, no one is moving; hell, soobin doesn’t even sure if they are breathing but it does feel nice to get all those frustrating feeling out from his nerves but then again yeonjun lied to him. does it count as something nice?
“binnie?” he snaps back into reality when yeonjun pulls his hand, bringing their fingers into one. “if you need someone to talk, please let me know.”
“…why?” he blinks again. “i can handle it fine by myself.”
“we are best friends, aren’t we?” yeonjun pulls another smile, but it looks so bitter that soobin has to close his eyes for a moment least he spills everything out. “best friends help each other, so i will try my best to help you too.”
+
and when the hammer of epiphany finally falls one afternoon, soobin is left with nothing but the burnt anger swirling in the pit of his stomach.
“...what the fuck are you doing?”
when he sees yeonjun’s head buried between his neck, when he sees his arms looping around kai’s slim waist, when he sees the way kai runs his thin fingers against between his hair gently while murmuring things into his ears—soobin doesn’t know what to think beside; he’s mine don’t touch him what do you think you’re doing—
“s-soobin-hyung.” he snaps back into reality when kai pushes yeonjun away, his cheeks turning into that of a rose. “i—uhm, w-we didn’t see yo—”
“i said what the fuck are you doing?” he hisses through clenched teeth.
detecting the hostile look upon his face, yeonjun decides to march his way towards him but it makes the anger even more vivid than before. “soobin—”
“shut up, yeonjun.” he snarls, “what the fuck do you think you’re doing? since when? since when, huh?”
yeonjun flinches at that, and soobin recoils his fist, bittern nails stabbing through his reddening flesh. his mind tries to calm him down, tries to tell him that yeonjun must have a reason, tries to tell himself that this is nothing; but the anger burns everything and he is only left with bitter words gnawing at his lips.
“what was that for.” kai glares at him. “we didn’t do anything wrong!”
“he touched you!” he spits out.
“so what? we’re friends! nothing is wrong with that—”
“it’s different okay?!” he shouts in muted anger. “when it comes to you, it’s always different!”
“what are you talking about?” kai yells, his tangerine orbs flaming bright. “are you mad at me for helping him?! what’s wrong with you?” his voice lowers. “you—for the past months you’ve been…” he shakes his head. “i just… i don’t understand you anymore…”
“fine. i don’t understand both of you either.” soobin says between gritted teeth and proceeds to leave. “just—do whatever you want, i don’t care!”
“w-wait binnie, listen—i said wait!” yeonjun stops him, and soobin has to bit his tongue from apologizing when he catches the hurt and betrayal inside his eyes because it’s him—it’s him who supposed to feel like that, not yeonjun. “listen to me okay? kai is just trying to help—”
“already on a first name basis, are we?” soobin sneers at him, his heart begins to feel heavier and heavier over time. “it’s crystal clear to me now. what is there to talk about? let go of my hand.”
“binnie…”
“let go.”
“soobin-ah please…”
“i said let go!”
his grip falters at that. “please… i really didn’t mean to—”
“i trusted you, yeonjun-hyung.” his voice wavers before he picks it up again, trying not to look more pathetic than he already has, “i told you everything. you… you know exactly how i feel… and i’d asked you before. because i respected you. but you—you lied to me…” he stops, and fixes his teary eyes at him. “….aren’t we best friends, yeonjun?”
“soobinnie.. i’m—” yeonjun chokes painfully. “i’m really so—”
kai stops him before he can finish the word and pulls his body behind his smaller one. his eyes are biting cold, and he looks at him like he’s disappointed with him when everything he has done is for him and him only. “let him go, yeonjun-hyung. he needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him.”
his words ripple through his heart like bees through rain and suddenly he wants to scream at him and tell him everything. soobin is so tired of pretending that he’s not falling for him but he can’t do anything – not a damn thing – so he chains the words together and buries them deep into his heart, forcing a harsh smile even though all he wants to do is for him to understand.
“so this is it, huh?” soobin looks at kai for a moment, torn between leaving and kissing him hard. but he chooses the former. “i guess it’s all clear now.”
as darkness clamps around the cranberry sky, soobin begins to walk away, his broken heart lay hidden between his pressed-up skin and bitter lies.
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soobin catches his reflection against the broken mirror, noting the paleness of his skin and tear marks across his cheeks. he raises his hand and touches the lukewarm spots, smiling bitterly.
“it’s my fault… i know it would happen sooner or later, but i did nothing anyway.”
despite what people say about him, soobin is no idiot. he sees the way yeonjun behaves around him, sees the way he smiles – so soft, so gentle – at him, and sees the way his eyes look at him. even though they’re no longer honest, even though two years span them apart, soobin can still read them easily like years ago.
(he’s just too afraid to accept the truth.)
“i’m so sorry…” he breathes then, pearly tears spill across his face like a waterfall. “i didn’t mean to hurt you… but i can’t let him go either.”
the taste of regret and love is everywhere, but sadly it never last, only a wisp, and suddenly it disappears and boils and molds into the unchanging sky, never to be felt again. he knows that everything will disappear one day; will not be long-lasting. it takes him a while to be okay with that but takes him longer to stamp those words into his mind and recite it inside his stuttering heart.
(is it a sin to fall in love with a boy who doesn’t even love himself?)
soobin doesn’t know, but he likes to think that despite all the contradictions, loving someone like him is a blessing rather than a curse. but sometimes soobin just can’t tell him the way he feels. he can’t find the right words to make him understand. and so—
and so, what should he do now?
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