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Life would be better without me.
I’d rather kill myself than breathing.
Gosh, I’m a burden.
My mind has been telling me those words everyday. Everyday, every single time, without stopping.
I wish suicide was easy but ahahaha I’m such a coward. Back then I always thought nobody really cares about me. I would rather die.
I tried to kill myself. I tried to jump off the roof, I tried to drown myself, but I backed away from them. All because I was a coward. I still am.
There is also another reason why I didn’t decide to end my life yet. Ash.
I love him so much and he loves me too. He needs me and I need him. I can’t let him go yet. I need to stay strong. We’ve been through a lot. We’re being chased by Foxx. Of course I can’t leave just yet. Ash needs me for strength and moral support. I’m here, loving him and supporting him.
I’m better off dead.
If I died, Griffin and Shorter… would’ve been alive.
If I died, Ash would’ve found a beautiful partner instead of a crippled boyfriend.
If only I was there to take the bullets, Skip would’ve been alive.
If I died, mother would have extra money.
Everyone’s life will be better without me.
I stared at pieces of broken glasses in our hideout. Ash is away with his boys, planning an attack towards Foxx. I’m not included in the meeting, thank god.
I took one of the shards. I’ve used this once when I was at Yut Lung’s. I pointed the glass on his neck before.
I know how sharp the glass can be. Maybe I can slit my throat with this?
No… Not now. Ash needs me. I can’t do this. Not yet.
But the urge is so strong. Death can fixes everything. If I die, Ash doesn’t has anyone to protect anymore. I’m a burden to him.
No. I’m his support.
You’re lying to yourself
I’m not lying! He loves me. I can protect him too!
You couldn’t even kill Dino.
Shut up!!
I squeezed the glass in my hand, letting blood dropped on the floor. The pain… It somehow makes me feel… Calm. Maybe… Just maybe… If I do this, will my suicidal thoughts go away?
I rolled up my left sleeve.
This not gonna hurts a lot, right? This is close to suicide, right?
“Eiji.”
I opened my eyes to see Ash looking down at me. “Why are you sleeping on the floor?” Ash asked. I sit up and rub my eyes. “Tired…” I said with a yawn. Ash chuckled and grinned at me, “You’re such a baby. Come on.” Ash holds my left arm. I winced at his touch. He didn’t grab me that hard but it’s painful.
I pulled my arm away. “That hurts.” I pouted. “But I didn’t grab you hard… What? Are you fragi--” Before he could finishes his words, his eyes opened wide as he looks at my arm. It’s bleeding.
He quickly rolls my sleeve up. His hands are trembling. I look at my arm… Right. I did this. “Why?” He said with a growl. I didn’t say anything. I don’t know what to tell him. “I knew. I should’ve sent you Japan.” Anger rises in me, “Stop blaming yourself! I did this to myself! It was me. ” I yelled at him. “B-But why? I bet it’s because of the situation we’re in--”
“No it’s not!!” I yelled again. “Then, why? You’re always so cheerful, positive--” Ash stops. “... Eiji. Were you hiding all this time?” Ash asks, his face looks really sad. It hurts me to see him like this. “Yes. I don’t see the point of telling anyone. I don’t see the point of finding help. I don’t see the point in anything. I’m too scared to kill myself. I tried twice but I chickened out.” I said, not looking at him. “All started before I came here. Remember when Ibe-san said I was depressed? There you go.” I continued.
Ash pulls me into a hug. I don’t want this. “You should’ve told me. You helped me when I was having my episodes, now I want to help you!” Shut up, Ash. I feel bad right now. “Eiji, please!” I pushed him away and give him a soft smile, “I’m fine.” I’ll be fine. No, I’m not going to.
I will never be fine. I just want to die.