Work Text:
brian hums along to the song playing from his earphones. he had to take them out while paying for his groceries, but the soft, mellow melody is still audible, despite the noises around him. all that he can hear is the lead singer’s voice as he sings about waking up in japan, something about feeling low and lonely, the faint hint of emptiness barely audible, something that brian can relate to at the moment.
he looks at the person behind the counter, at how tired they look and how they would rather be anywhere else than here. to his right, he can see a young girl trying to choose between two packs of gum. behind her, brian is pretty sure that someone is almost falling asleep.
everything feels so mundane, so boring and predictable. he knows that he will have to pay 15 dollars for his food, that he will walk home through the rain and that by the time he gets back to his dorm room he will be soaked. he knows that tomorrow will be just as bleak; wake up at seven, go to the coffee shop and meet up with sungjin, order a simple americano and make his way to his political science class. just then will his day get a little more exciting.
“your total is fifteen, sir,” the cashier says, tone lifeless and monotone. brian hands them the exact amount, takes his bag and heads towards the exit.
he pulls his hood up and puts his earphones back in. for now, all he can do is enjoy the song and pray that he might wake up in japan too.
“look, man, nothing will change with this ‘rally’, ok? the government won’t do shit-- pardon my language, professor-- and it won’t change the mind of those that are opposed to it! so why the fuck bother anyway?”
brian can feel his blood boil. this is the sixth time in two weeks that he and his enemy, jae park, had had this argument. it always starts with the professor, who seems to enjoy this quite a lot, asking them about their plans for one of the future projects; a way of changing the mind of at least a few people about a specific minority. most people went with the classic ‘change my mind’ stands, but brian, being the over-achieving student that he is, chose to hold a protest of sorts, with his friends.
the professor and most of the students were excited about this idea, but jae wanted from the moment he explained his idea to keep on reminding brian just how stupid and idiotic and mindless and brainless this was. in the beginning brian managed to ignore it, but over time, he realized that jae will not stop anytime sooner.
“how about you mind your own fucking business and stop bothering me, asshat!” brian says, loud enough for the other to hear, but still trying to sound calm and collected.
“aw, the baby bites back,” jae snorts, turning back to their teacher. “look, mr park, can’t we just shut him down? it will stop him from embarrassing himself when it-- actually? no! let him do it. it might turn out fun in the end,” he laughs to himself at the last part, gaining himself a few quiet chuckles from around the room.
mr park sighs, picking his pointer back from where he left it on his desk. “jaehyung, why don’t you join brian on his project, huh? you don’t have one chosen yet, and i am sure that brian here would be more than happy to keep arguing with you.”
two different ‘what?!’s’ can be heard in the classroom, but before the two of them can whine and cry about it to the professor, he turns back on the projector, resuming his presentation on the problem of minorities in modern times.
brian lets his head fall on the table in front of him with a small thud. he hears a similar sigh a few rows behind him, only making him growl under his breath. yes, his fights with jae make his day more interesting, but that doesn’t mean that he wants to spend hours of his days working on his precious rally with… that idiot. he would very much rather lick sungjin’s bald head.
he stays with his head down, mourning his life for the rest of the class. by the time the teacher pats him on his back to signal that his course is over, most of the students have left.
“cheer up, brian. at least now you two can get it on without that weird prelude of hatred!”
brian leaves before mr park can start talking about the bets that are going on in the staff room about him and his enemy.
he still hears the rain despite the fact that the volume is turned up to the maximum. he sings under his breath along with dpr, drumming his fingers along to the rhythm. brian watches as the droplets of rain fall on his coat, as the material soaks them in, leaving behind dark marks. usually, he loves the rain. he loves how cold it feels against his skin, how the sound of it manages to calm him down even during hard times, how the dark clouds engulf everything.
right now, though? he wants to see the sun again, to feel its gentle rays brush on his skin, to let the warmth surround him and protect him from the bad place in which he is going.
you know I can paint the world
sitting there in black and gold
his mind wanders back to jae. he should really meet up with him and give him the details that he had already set for his protest. but he feels too scared; of what? he is not sure. he just knows that in this moment he is not able to hold a conversation with someone who will just call him stupid.
so he closes his eyes and lets the rain wash away the sadness and misery that bloom inside him. lets the rain paint him black, while waiting for the sun to come, to add the gold.
his coffee started to taste like nothing again three days ago. he knows where he is headed, but he can’t stop this ride no matter how much he tires. he can feel himself slowly getting bad again, but he doesn’t want to bother sungjin with his problems.
so he waits. he waits for it to pass and for things to turn normal again.
while he waits, he listens to his favorite playlist. the songs all vary in genres and the jumping from pop to rap to soft ballads do succeed in making him smile every once in a while. he listens and listens and listens. that’s all he can do in times like this.
the chair next to him is pulled back, someone dropping their whole weight in it. brian doesn’t look up from his phone, however. he’s still looking at the new songs jhp has added to their playlist. the title of it is a bit cliche, in brian’s opinion, but it fits. the world is fucked, turn that shit up.
“you follow that guy’s playlist?” jae asks from his left, voice empty of any actual interest.
brian ignores him, hitting play on the new khalid song on there. the singer’s melodious voice starts in his right ear, the subtle sound of the drum making him move his head to its beat.
i fought the demons that lie in between us
they'd think we're perfect if they'd ever seen us, but
he can’t help but feel ironic these lines are at the moment. here he is, next to his enemy, having to put away their differences and make a truce in order to finish their project.
“so what if i do?” he asks the elder, voice soft, as he is already lost in the song.
“nothing, just curious.”
brian nods, putting his phone face down on the table and taking out his planner. he slides it towards jae, hoping that the elder will get the message.
he does. jae opens it, eyes quickly scanning through the pages and pages of writing; most of it is messy, written in the middle of the night when a new idea struck brian, but there are still some pretty passages.
“it’s all fucked.”
“what the fuck do you mean? it’s not! i worked my ass off on this!” brian argues, slamming his palm down. a few people turn around to glare at him, but he just focuses his attention on jae.
“yea, and? it’s wrong. everything. you haven’t even talked to the police about your protest,” he says, eyes still scanning the pages of chicken scratch.
“i. did! ” brian says between gritted teeth. “it’s right there!” he points to a section that clearly says ‘police accord’.
jae laughs, all bitter and all-mighty. “well it’s not my fault that you write like you’re on crack now, is it?”
brian wants to punch him. yes, it’s not his fault that he’s mostly dozed up, but it’s not brian’s fault either .
“you know what? you do it. i fucking dare you to spend all of your time on a project only to have an asshole who thinks he’s the shit tell you that you’re actually doing everything wrong!”
jae sighs, as if the conversation is already boring him. “look, man, it’s just that it’s plain stupid. you’re such a privileged little cis straight dude, who thinks that just waving a gay flag around and screaming about how love is love will change the world. listen, brian, homophobes and ignorant people won’t change their minds just because some students hold up banners in the middle of the street, ok? life isn’t that easy,” he spits the last words at brian, pushing his folder back in his direction.
brian can feel himself losing it. he stands up before he can even register the words that jae just told him, grabbing the binder. “i think it’s better if we stop this right now.”
he’s out of the library just as the tears start rolling. he can feel his pulse quickening, his breath coming out shallow and rapid. brian puts his hand over his chest, feeling the rough material under his shirt. it’s still there, it hurts him when he takes a breath, but it’s there.
he closes his eyes, tries to block everything around him. when it doesn’t work, he puts in his earphones, listening to the song that is still playing. the loud piano keeps him guarded as tablo’s voice fills his ears.
please keep me disinvited
tuck you in
as I tuck another tear behind my eyelids
with one last sharp inhale, he starts walking away from the library, his head still buzzing, his chest still tight.
he sleeps with his binder on that night.
he still feels like a fraud.
sungjin pulls his curtains open, ignoring brian’s hisses of displeasure.
“take it off.”
it’s not a command, but with the way he said said it, brian knows there is no room for arguments. he still tries though. “take what off?” despite still having his eyes clothes, he can sense the eye roll sungjin just did.
“you know i’m not scared to take your binder off if you’re gonna keep being a brat, right?”
brian sighs, throwing a pillow in the direction of his window. he knows he misses when he hears it hit the glass. he stands up, nevertheless, his blanket pooling around his waist. “don’t look, ok?”
the elder turns around. it makes brian smile; he couldn’t have asked for a better best friend. after he takes the binder off and makes sure that his breasts will not fall out, he puts his shirt back on.
“care to tell me why you didn’t take it off, bri?” he takes a seat on brian’s bed, picking up his phone and turning the music off. he slept listening to the playlist again. when his eyes catch the screen, he can see that the last song was one of mika’s older songs. he smiles briefly.
“nothing happened. i was tired and forgot about it. really, jinnie, i’m ok,” he lays back down, making room for sungjin. “can we cuddle now?”
sungjin indulges him, slipping under the covers and putting an arm around brian’s waist. “i’m here, ok, dummy? if someone talked shit about you i will kill them.”
brian chuckles, letting his head rest on the elder’s chest. for a moment he is jealous of how flat it is, how he knows that right now he can’t afford this without his stupid binder. without saying anything, sungjin takes brian’s phone and presses play on the last song.
he sighs and closes his eyes, listening to sungjin’s heartbeat. it’s even and it goes with the florance song that is playing.
“thanks, hyung,” he says, but the sound is muffled, almost inaudible.
sungjin, however, tightens his hold.
brian knocks on the door. he waits for a few minutes, but nothing seems to happen behind the closed door. just when he is ready to turn around and go back to his apartment, the door opens, revealing a tall man, holding a bundle in his arms.
“brian! what can i do for you?” the man says, giving brian a bright smile.
“ash… can we talk?”
ash nods, moving aside. the younger man steps inside shortly after, already walking towards the living room. ash is already used to this.
when they are finally seated, brian on the couch, while ash and his baby are on the loveseat, brian starts talking: “what should i do when someone calls me cis?” his words are soft, almost as if he is unsure of what he is saying.
ash sighs, looking over to the younger. “brian, the fact that someone called you that doesn’t make you any less of a trans person, ok? i know that it sucks, trust me, but be honest with me, would you rather have someone misgender you or have them say that you are cis?”
brian spends a few seconds thinking. “cis,” he finally says, his eyes down and his bottom lip trembling.
“oh, no, baby!” ash is next to him in an instant, his arms wrapping around the boy’s shoulders. “i’m sorry someone told you that, baby. do you want namgi and his friends to kill the person? just say so and it’s done!”
brian chuckles, letting his head rest on ash’s shoulder. “don’t bring your husband in my shit, ash,” he sniffles, before pulling back.
“my husband will do anything i say, so don’t worry about that.” ash leans in, pressing a kiss on brian’s cheek.
“can i hold him?” he points to the baby, to which ash immediately brightens up.
“of course, you can! ah, my bean loves being held so much!” ash carefully gives him the bundle, making sure that brian is holding him the right way. “he’s just like his appa.” there is a soft look on ash’s face, and it makes brian smile too.
“hyung?” ash hums as he keeps on poking his child. “do you think… that someone who said that could be transphobic? or that if they found out i’m trans they would be dis--”
“no.” brian looks at him, waiting for the elder to continue. “they might be transphobic, yes, but they didn’t know that you are trans, dear. so don’t blame them for that, ok? you can pass as someone who is cis, man. you look manlier than i do and i’ve been transitioning for over ten years.”
brian giggles, hiding his face in ash’s shoulder. “stop, you’re making me feel giddy and dumb.”
“aren’t you already dumb?” someone says from behind them. brian can see ash roll his eyes, but again, there is a fond look on his face.
“go away, you broccoli,” he says as he stands up, holding his hand out for brian. “we can continue this some other time, i don’t want my idiot husband to interrupt us.”
brian nods, giving the baby back and making his way to the door, shaking namgi’s hand on his way there.
“thank’s for everyting, hyung,” he tells ash.
ash squeezes his shoulder, “i’m always here for you, ok? and i mean it. always. ”
brian smiles at him, before leaving the apartment and going back to his place. he might need to have a talk with jae one of these days.
he searches through the playlist until he finally gets to the song he wants.
i wanna sleep next to you
but that's all I wanna do right now
he inhales deeply, he’s got this. he will be able to do it.
the next time he meets with jae, it’s jae that apologizes to him. he looks guilty, his eyes cast down as he lets out words after words that don’t seem to make any sense. but somehow, to brian, they do make sense. he stops jae before he can finish his apology.
“it’s alright, you didn’t know. and honestly, i’d rather have you call me cis than a girl,” he shrugs, pulling his folder out of his bag and giving it to jae. he made progress on his cause, and since the teacher didn’t let jae pull out from the project, they still have to work together.
“still, dude. it wasn’t cool,” jae continues as he looks through the new pages of writing.
“not your fault.”
brian lets the song take over, jhp started to add more rap and hip-hop influenced songs, and now, brockhampton is singing to brian about regrets and god and kittens. he loves that song, without the kitten part, since he doesn’t really swing that way.
why I can't speak out? Is wideout, wideout
keep it deep inside my mind, it's off-kilter, off-kilter
jae doesn’t seem to have anything to say about the progress that brian made, so the younger counts it as a win. at least they aren’t throwing insults at one another this time.
he even gives him constructive criticism, things that jae thinks might be better than what brian had written on his late night revelations. brian takes them all with open arms.
after hours of writing and erasing, they finally came to a plan that they both agreed on. start the rally in the school campus then walk all the way to the city center and then back to a gay club, where the ones left could party and drink away the giddiness of the day.
once they are done, brian gives jae a piece of paper, nodding at him before running off to meet with sungjin and to tell him to not stick his nose in his problems anymore.
just when he gets to the cafe, his phone buzzes.
unknown number: ure not that bad u know
brian: i’m like… the best but go off sis
jae :p: aight mr, dont het cocky
jae :p: GET****
brian: k mr het
brian snickers at his phone, before putting it back in his pocket.
“who the fuck makes you smile like that, bri?”
“no one, jinnie,” he tells the elder as he takes his coffee cup from him. “now tell me about your cute boy toys, huh?”
as sungjin blushes and sputters, brian can’t help but let his mind wander to the tall arrogant and not so bad boy that just a few days ago used to make him want to punch walls. maybe he isn’t as bad as brian thought in the beginning.
the last few meetings until the day of the rally are spent in comfortable silences and casual banter between the two boys. they make the most of it, it’s what brian likes to think, before they will go back to hating each other’s guts and insulting one another. brian doesn’t want to think when that will happen. he wants to stay like this forever.
it's true that
all I do is sit and think about you
if I knew what you'd do
collapse my veins
he will try to make the most of these last days of peace. he will not get carried away and he will not cry when the inevitable will happen.
or, so he hopes.
he hasn’t had a ‘dark thought’ in weeks now. he counts it as a win, and as much as he wants to stop taking his meds all together, he doesn’t. he knows that he still needs them. he might be on the right course, but he won’t risk another episode just because he’s getting braver.
he stops taking more pills than what he needs though, and that is enough for him. for now, at least.
jae :p: [sent a photo]
jae :p: thought of u. its a cute fox just like u lmao
that’s when brian realizes. with e^st in the background, he realizes he may have feelings for him. he’s scared, terrified, yet… happy. his chest, for the first time ever, is not in pieces.
brian: thx mr het
even if he will get his heart broken, for now he is contempt. he may be in love, and that’s ok. he deserves the love. he deserves happiness.
the day of the protest comes faster than brian expected. one moment he is laughing with jae while painting signs, and the next he is leading the group of people that have gathered, through the streets of seoul.
it’s insane how fast time passes. how now that he’s not thinking about only the worse, time seems to fly. it amazes him, really.
he feels a hand slip into his while walking and shouting, but he’s so into making his voice louder, into trying to make a change, that he doesn’t notice. it isn’t until he stops that he feels the person run into him.
when he turns, there is jae. annoying jae with his annoyingly bright smile and his warm look in his eyes.
“what?” he screams over the yelling of the protestants.
his shout gets swallowed by the screaming of those gathered to stop them, to tell them that they are wrong and they will rot in hell. brian doesn’t think next. he kisses jae. it’s the adrenaline, really, he justifies himself later.
he can feel jae’s fingers thread through his hair, pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. there are still people shouting around them, some encouragements, some insults, but brian doesn’t care. he just needs to focus on jae, on his lips, on how soft they are, on the warmth he feels inside and outside.
when he pulls back, jae is smiling, eyes still closed. he gives him one more kiss, before going back to his chanting.
their first kiss is weird and maybe not as romantic as brian would’ve wanted. but it’s right for them.
they’re watching a movie with their friends, when jae leans in, so that he can whisper in his ear. “remember that dumb dude’s playlist?” when brian nods, he continues, “i’m the dumb dude.”
“what?!”
jae just laughs.