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Cecil: Some say, “Be the change you want to see in the World.” I say, “The World will make the changes it wants to see in you.”
Welcome to Night Vale.
Well listeners, it’s that time of the year again — Halloween! The City Council announced in a recent statement that they are once again reviving the Night Vale Halloween Parade. Some of the older folks listening may remember the screaming, the ghostly laughter, and the rivers of blood that literally flowed through the streets the last time we had a Halloween parade, but the City Council has assured us that the giant sanctified steel wall blocking off Old Town Night Vale should be sufficient to keep us all safe; after all, more recent, quieter Halloween celebrations haven’t caused any unholy apparitions, so, we should probably be all right this year.
Also, to commemorate the reinstated parade, many of our town's citizens will be marching in costume, and many local landmark businesses and civic establishments will be contributing floats to the parade. Big Rico’s Pizza, Dark Owl Records, the Museum of Forbidden Technologies, the Night Vale Daily Journal, and the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex will all be entering their own floats. Rico mentioned in a comment to a station reporter earlier today that his float will literally be a giant slice of pizza, and that he expected his float would be rated the best by a large margin. “After all,” he said, “no one does a float like Big Rico. No one.”
Furthermore, I’m happy to announce that our station management …Strexcorp… will also be entering a float in the parade. To show goodwill, the StrexFloat, as my program director Lauren called it earlier today, will, as it floats through our town, help revitalize any local businesses not owned by Strexcorp — which, at this point, is nearly the entire town. She did not mention what form this, um, “revitalization” would take, but she did mention that she hopes that the StrexCorp personnel who will be aboard the float will be able to find those poor missing children, and I have to say that I agree. I have to say that, listeners.
Anyway, we’ll be giving you live coverage of the parade later, listeners. Our station intern, Charles, is getting the mobile broadcasting equipment set up; currently, I think he’s mucking out its stable, after having fed it earlier.
Oh, also, listeners, Lauren mentioned that a new StrexCorp employee would be arriving at the station later today; I might have to take a break if that happens so I can go and meet them. Just wanted to let you know.
Oh! I almost forgot! Listeners, the Night Vale Community Radio station will be having our first ever costume contest this year. Carlos and I are entered as Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. I’m very excited for the contest; I think we’ve got a really good chance. The winners will get one free additional work chit, redeemable at any StrexCorp-owned restaurant in town for a meal.
Next, let’s talk about Traffic. A representative of the Sheriff’s Secret Police stopped by the station earlier to inform us that several streets have inexplicably disappeared. Earl Road, Ouroboros Road, Old Musk Road, and First through Sixth streets have all vanished. We inquired as to what happened to the businesses and neighborhoods that were located along those streets — had the road itself simply disappeared but one could walk there, or did the locations themselves vanish along with the roads — but the deputy gently placed a finger on our reporter's lips, and whispered “Hush,” so, no conclusive answer there, listeners. If any of you live on the roads that have disappeared, and are capable of communicating with the outside world, please, give us a call. This has been Traffic.
In other news, listeners, the tiny civilization from below the pin-retrieval area of Lane 5 at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex is continuing to prosecute their increasingly unsuccessful war against us. According to reports, very tiny tanks have been seen trundling along and airplanes have been seen flying around near the bowling alley, but they’re apparently all made out of balsa wood, and only fire darts about the size of bee stingers, so…not too much to worry about there. Just try not to step on them in your bare feet. That would hurt.
And now, let’s talk abo-
Lauren: Excuse me, Cecil?
Cecil: Ah, yes, hello Lauren! Listeners, my …wonderful program director, Lauren Mallard is here in the studio. Lauren, I’m in the middle of a broadcast, but…well, what can I do for you, Lauren?
Lauren: Hello listeners! I’ll keep this quick, so you can get your beloved radio host back. Cecil, just a reminder, you still haven’t turned in your SBB Report. Until you get that in, Payroll can’t process your timesheet.
Cecil: Right. Thank you, Lauren. I’ll get to it.
Lauren: Good. Please have it on my desk before the end of the day.
Cecil: I’ll do that, Lauren. Thank you. Ahem.
And now, a look at the Community Calendar. This Sunday, stop by the Night Vale Public Library to see a wonderful poetry reading of his newly self-published book, “I’m So Rich It’s Mind-Boggling” by local billionaire Marcus Vansten. Those attending the reading will be charged $29.95 to bask in the glory of Marcus Vansten’s wealth and importance, and attendance is compulsory for all Night Vale residents.
According to a review in the Night Vale Daily Journal, Marcus Vansten’s book is “a groundbreaking work; in fact, the first recorded example of financial analysis in verse. Vansten, long known as an expert on the subjects of money, wealth, financial markets, pecuniary numismatics, and basketweaving, has truly outdone himself this time.” According to a press release from Mr. Vansten’s publicist, copies of his book will be available for purchase at the reading, for the low price of $49.95.
Monday is being postponed to Thursday. “I know, I know, we agreed on Monday, but things just got so busy; you know how it is. I really didn’t have any choice in the matter.” That’s not commentary from me, listeners, it literally says that here.
Tuesday, la mort de tout homme me diminue, parce que je suis impliqué dans l'humanité. Donc jamais chercher à savoir pour qui sonne le glas; il sonne pour toi.
Wednesday is Hump Day. All Night Vale citizens will be expected to walk around with a hump strapped to their back, in commemoration of the camels that were slaughtered on that first Hump Day, so we could celebrate future Hump Days.
Thursday…huh. Listeners, from this point on, the calendar appears to have been burned away. Not sure what that’s about.
Further updates on the missing neighborhoods mentioned earlier in the broadcast: I sent our station intern, Charles, out to investigate, and he’s telling us that the neighborhoods of Cactus Bloom and Marshall’s Gorge have disappeared entirely. Normally, one could take Route 800 and turn onto Ouroboros Road or Earl Road to get to Cactus Bloom and Marshall’s Gorge, respectively, but when Charles drove down Route 800, neither Ouroboros Road nor Earl Road were intersecting with Route 800. They just weren’t there, listeners. According to Charles, Telly’s abandoned barbershop, which was formerly located at the corner of Ouroboros and Route 800, can still be found by driving along Route 800. However, a grassy field has apparently replaced where Ouroboros Road used to be. I’ve instructed Charles to walk into the field, and to let us know if anything interesting happens. I’ll let you all know as soon as I know anything more.
And now, a word from our sponsors.
Do you like to trade things? Of course! Who doesn’t? Doesn’t everyone have fond memories of bartering and trading snacks in the Elementary School Cafeteria? “I’ll give you some of my cookies, if you’ll give me part of your doughnut,” and so on, and so forth. Such pleasant memories. And as you get older, the art of trade is lost, and replaced by crude money. While useful to estimate the relative value of items, actually using money feels so crude, doesn’t it? It does to us. At our store, if you want our products, we want something from you in return. Would you like some coffee beans? Well, we want your childhood memories — or, more specifically, the memory center of your brain. How about some nice, fresh produce? The normal going rate for that is one kidney. Of course, we’re happy to discuss our prices — we promise fair market value for your goods, or you can have your organ, or one of equivalent value back. Trader Joe’s — Remember: Great Food + Great Organs = Value.
Listeners, it sounds like the Halloween parade is starting up outside. I’m set up on the mobile broadcasting equipment, so, let’s go see. Luckily for me, the parade should be going right by the station doors, so I don’t have to go particularly fa-
Lauren: Excuse me again, Cecil.
Cecil: Yes, Lauren? Just one moment, listeners.
Lauren: Did you fill out form XKY-4854 to request using the mobile broadcasting equipment? I don’t think I’ve seen it cross my desk.
Cecil: You should have received it earlier today, Lauren; I watched Charles fill it out.
Lauren: You had the intern do the paperwork? …It’s fine if you use the mobile broadcasting equipment for the parade, of course, Cecil. I can see a compelling need for the public to know about this historic event. But let’s talk about this later, okay?
Cecil: Of course, Lauren, I’d be happy to.
Lauren: All right. Enjoy the parade, Cecil! I’ll see you there.
Cecil: Sorry about that, listeners. We’re almost outside... Okay. Everyone is gathered on Main Street, it looks like. Aaand….yes, here comes the parade! Mayor Pamela Winchell is leading the parade, dressed as Danny Zuko and standing on the dashboard of a car, making threatening gestures at all around her and pounding her bleeding fists on the car's hood and windshield, followed closely by the City Council, who are walking and moving in perfect unison, and dressed as a giant robot. It's a truly impressive show of unity on the part of our City Council.
They’re followed by the Glow Cloud, who in commemoration of the holiday is raining down a mixture of dead animals and candy, apparently. Also marching are representatives from the Night Vale Daily Journal, Leanne Hart at their head; they’re dancing down the street, dressed as the Jets from West Side Story. Uh, also, mayoral candidate Hiram McDaniels is flying overhead and breathing fire from one of his five heads, so, watch out for his fiery breath. Larry Leroy (from out on the edge of town) is here, marching with Cactus June; it looks like they’re dressed as the King and Queen of Hearts. Nazr al-Mujaheed and the Night Vale High School’s football team, the Scorpions are also marching, dressed as a bunch of giant scorpions, and, gosh, it looks like half the town is here, at least.
Oh, and now, the local floats are showing up. Big Rico’s is there, looking quite delicious as it goes by. Mmm, mmm. The Museum of Forbidden Technology’s float is going by now, but, uh, I am not allowed to speak about or know what it looks like, so, you’ll just have to use your imagination on that one.
Dark Owl Records’ float is coming up now, and it looks like, yes, they have once again summoned the ghost of Buddy Holly, and he is performing live on their float! How exciting, listeners, to see a celebrity of his caliber in our little town.
And, next up is…oh my. Um, listeners, a massive object is hovering over the parade, it’s blotting out the sun, and quite hard to see. I think — yes, this is the StrexFloat! It looks as if it’s a giant cube, black, covered in machine guns and missiles and cameras and searchlights and antennas and other communications equipment. Uh, imprinted on the side is the big triangular StrexCorp logo that we’ve all come to know and love so very dearly in the last few months. It’s also flanked by some of the yellow helicopters that have also become such a familiar sight in our skies. It’s — Oh my goodness, listeners, a surface-to-air missile shot from somewhere in the downtown area just impacted the side of the float. The yellow helicopters are being dispatched towards the area, and, yikes, it sounds like they’re raking the area with gunfire. I’m…sure that the missile was an accident, and I do hope that all the children of Night Vale in particular come through this little squabble okay.
Oh no, uh…listeners, judging by the guttural howling and laughter I’m hearing from Old Town Night Vale, it sounds like the ghosts have broken loose again. Or whatever they are, not all of them look quite human. I can see one strange shade of a creature that appears to be all eyes and tentacles. It’s currently floating through the station, but it appears to be insubstantial, so, I’m not too concerned. Members of the Sheriff’s Secret Police are already on the scene with protective amulets and holy water firehoses and waterguns, corralling the wraiths back into the older part of town.
Also, judging by the massive numbers of tiny specks in the sky, it looks like the residents of the underground city are trying to engage the StrexFloat with their balsa wood planes. Not terribly effectively, of course, but things are getting a little hectic out here, listeners, so I'm going to go back inside. Just one moment.
Okay, I’m back in my booth. It appears that while we were out, our station intern, Charles, sent me quite a series of text messages. Let’s see…he’s walked into the grassy field, and just kept on walking for a while. It was so beautiful there, he said, that he got distracted, and before he realized it, he walked a longer distance than should be possible, given the relative size of the Cactus Bloom neighborhood. Now, he says, he’s in vast grasslands, stretching out to infinity in all directions. He’s tried returning, by walking back the way he came, but instead he found himself at a place where the world simply ended. Not that there were cliffs, or walls that enclosed him, he said, there was simply a boundary, beyond which was a Nothing which defied mental comprehension. He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to find his way back, though — also, as I’ve been speaking, listeners, the station has received emails from people living near the roads that had disappeared. They have, in fact, reappeared, and all the missing neighborhoods with them — so at this point, Charles is beyond our reach or help or support.
To the parents and loved ones of Charles, he was a very good intern; always willing to go the distance for his work here at the station. He will be missed.
And now, listeners, I have a brief annou-
Lauren: Excuse me, Cecil.
Cecil: Oh! Uh, hello Lauren. Listeners, my program director Lauren is once again visiting us, with, it looks like, a guest?
Lauren: That’s right, Cecil! This is our new content editor, Fiona Donnelly.
Fiona: Hello Cecil. It will be a pleasure to work with you, I’m sure. I can’t wait to be more involved.
Cecil: I’m sure we’ll get along wonderfully, Fiona. What exactly will you be doing as the content editor?
Lauren: I’m afraid that information isn’t available at your security level, Cecil.
Cecil: Oh.
Fiona: Don’t worry, Cecil. I’m not here to interfere with your brilliant artistic process in any way. You should just consider me your creative colleague. I’m here simply to assist, and help make sure the news is presented in an appropriate way, aligned with the larger goals of our organization.
Cecil: …Oh.
Fiona: I can’t wait for us to work together more closely, Cecil. Very. Very. Closely. Incidentally, I have an earpiece I’d like you to wear.
Cecil: Oh. Um. Thank you, Fiona.
Fiona: With this, Lauren and I will be able to talk to you directly, even while you’re on the air, Cecil. If there’s ever any question you have, or anything you need us to provide clarity on, we’ll be able to do so on the fly.
Lauren: Initial estimates show that we should be able to improve our back-end productivity by as much as 44%.
Cecil: Well, that’s—
Lauren: So, if you could just put that in, Cecil.
Cecil: Oh, I, uh, alright, I guess I co— (Cecil is cut off as he makes gagging and coughing sounds.) Augh, it- rrrrgh going into my ear! Masters of us aaaagh, it, aaaaaghhhh that hurts! Urgh!
Fiona: Listeners, I’m afraid Cecil will be a bit busy getting adjusted to his StrexPod for a few minutes. So, we take you now to the Weather.
—
(“All Alright” by Sigur Rós plays.)
—
Cecil: (Cheerily) Welcome back, listeners. Sorry if I worried you earlier. I am completely fine — initial reports estimate that I’m working 20% more efficiently than I was earlier, so, that’s just good for everyone! The parade has wound down outside, the floats have all either been destroyed by determined citizens with crowbars and hatchets, as is customary, or by incendiary devices helpfully dispensed by the StrexFloat. The ghosts have been corralled back into Old Town Night Vale, and Strexcorp-affiliated security teams are arresting everyone still remaining on the scene; so, it’s back to business as usual.
Lauren, Fiona and I had a nice talk during the weather. They’re such great people, aren’t they? I sure think so. I can’t wait to work with them more closely. So very. Very. Closely.
You know, listeners, this is a good moment to reflect on the importance of our work. Having fun on days like Halloween is all well and good, but having a good job — fulfilling an important function — is far more meaningful and satisfying, don’t you think?
Don’t…you…think? I…sure doonnnoooo.
I do. Yes. That is what I said.
Anyway, there is still a bit more fun to be had today, as we do have our station costume contest this evening. I cannot wait to see that wonderful scientist boyfriend of mine. Carlos. Yes. That is his name. Carlos. I think our costume is very cute, and I am sure we will do well in the contest.
And so, I bid you good night, Night Vale. Good night.