Work Text:
Spock served out the five year mission then two more after that as Jim's First Officer before accepting a promotion to Captain and taking a full time teaching assignment at the Academy.
He promoted Sulu to First Officer; another officer he knew he'd lose soon. It wouldn't be long before he was captaining his own ship. Chekov had already moved on, serving as Tactical Officer for the Reliant. The rumor mill was ripe with news that he would soon take over as First Officer over there. Jim was proud, even if he did miss him.
Luckily, Uhura seemed content with where she was. Deep space was where she wanted to be, just like him. And Scotty... Scotty was never leaving his lady. Kirk could see a future where they both went down with the ship. He hoped not, but if anyone did, it would be them.
It was Leonard that surprised him. He served out the five year mission, signed up for another tour as his CMO – then stayed even after Spock left. He thought for sure he'd be finding a new CMO by now.
After Altamid, he made sure to be convincing, to pretend that nothing had changed between him and
McCoy. It hadn't been easy. Bones tried, but sometimes he'd be having a drink in Kirk's quarters, like they always did, and he'd get a faraway look in his eyes. Then that look would become sad, and he would look at Jim, and the smile would be on his face, but not in his eyes. Sometimes, Jim came close to pulling him into his arms and begging forgiveness for being so stupid. But he wouldn't and Bones would say he was tired, and he'd leave.
Then it wasn't so hard to pretend. One day, it seemed over night to Jim but he was sure it had been happening all along, Bones wasn't sad any more. It really was like before. And Jim relaxed.
Then he saw his CMO and First Officer, his two best friends, holding each other the way McCoy had offered Jim. No one was supposed to see, of course. The corridor outside the doctor's quarters were supposed to be empty that time of day. But Jim had been bored, knew it was Bones' day off, and turned the center seat over to Sulu so he could 'discuss some reports' with the doctor. In other words, gossip. But Spock had his friend in a clinch and he was kissing the good doctor in a way that Jim didn't know Vulcans knew how to do. Bone's toes had to be curling in his boots.
Jim snuck away and never brought it up. Neither did they. Ever. It kinda hurt, that his two best friends wouldn't tell him that they were together, but both men liked their privacy, so he decided to respect it.
He fully expected them to leave around the same time, but Spock was gone and McCoy was showing no signs of budging.
It finally came to a head when, three months after Spock left, McCoy stopped by the Captain's quarters,
helped himself to a drink and started going over the reports from their last resupply.
“Seriously, Jim,” he had sighed. “If they plan on sending us any further out we're going to need to stock up on more general anti-virals. Are we doing another five year mission at any point? Cause if they're talking about that, I need an entire re-haul of my medbay or my staff and I might not be able to handle what's thrown at us, whatever that may be.”
“Another... Bones, how long are you planning on staying onboard the ship?”
“What?” he had looked up, startled. “Why? You don't want me around?”
“Of course I do!” Jim finally exploded. “But what about Spock? Aren't you two going to settle dirt side together? Isn't he setting up house for you guys?”
“What? What in the name of all that's holy are you talking about, Jim?”
“Aren't you two together? I saw you, the two of you, together.”
Leonard blinked at him, several times, then burst out laughing. He was laughing so hard he nearly fell off the sofa.
“One time,” he gasped out between laughs. “You managed to witness the one time... oh, this is priceless. We went on two dates. We aren't compatible as romantic partners. We decided we were better off as friends and colleagues. But we also decided that we weren't attached to anyone else and wanted to have sex with each other, you know, because the physical attraction was there. And he was good, I gotta say. But we also both agreed that the afterwards was too awkward. We couldn't look each other in the eye for a solid week. We never did that again.”
“So, you two aren't together anymore?”
“Never really had been.”
“There's not going to be any little Vulcan McCoys running around?”
“Well, I could introduce him to some cousins of mine, but probably not.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, oh,” then McCoy got angry. “Jim, that was years ago. Why did you never ask one of us about it? Don't you think we'd tell you if we were together?”
“I... yeah, I'm sorry Bones.”
“Too right, you're sorry.”
*~*~*~*
And things changed again, but it was Jim this time. He had always assumed. Assumed that McCoy wouldn't want to stay in space. Assumed he and Spock were together and would settle down. He had actually made a lot of assumptions about the doctor, and he was realizing there was a reason elders had always told him not to assume. He really should have been talking to his friend about this a long time ago.
*~*~*~*
“Hey, Jim, we're swinging by Alpha Centauri, right?”
“Yeah, what's up?”
“I want to request a shuttle and some leave. Joanna's out there, as part of her medical training. Hoping to see her in her new place before she's back on Earth and I'm no where near her again.”
“Actually, I was thinking the crew could use some shore leave and we could check on the colony at the same time. I can't believe Joanna's almost a doctor. I'm used to her as a little girl in pigtails.”
“Well, that's my fault,” McCoy admitted sheepishly. “I always show that picture of her when she was six, right before the divorce. She was seven when I went into Starfleet.”
“Altamid,” Kirk suddenly blurt out. “How old was she then?"
McCoy went very still. They never mentioned Altamid by name. It was always the Krall incident. The smile was gone from his face. So was the blood.
“She was twelve. Why?”
“Oh, just curious, I'm bad with timelines, I guess.”
Jim turned away to leave, but in an unusual show of aggression, McCoy grabbed his shoulder and hauled him around, forcing him to face him. He held his shoulders tight, his face lined with an old pain.
“Is that why?” he hissed. “Is that why you lied to me about your feelings, pushed me away? What does Joanna have to do with it? Were you afraid I'd call on you to be a father to her? Or were you just afraid that I'd saddle you with her?”
“No, Bones, that wasn't it...”
“Well, let me tell you something, James T. Kirk,” he spoke over him, suddenly letting him go and drawing himself up to his entire six feet. “She has a father and a mother. I may not have been there as often as I'd like, but she loves me none the less, and I love that not so little girl, and her mother and I did just fine by her. I would never have pushed a relationship with her onto you any more than I would have tried to make her have one with you. Hell, she'd probably rather YOU weren't a part of her life, ever think about that?”
He left before Jim could say another word.
*~*~*~*
Jim gave Leonard the night to cool off. He took the time to compose himself and figure out how he was going to explain his reasoning from all those years ago that didn't make him sound like a coward, or anger the other man further. But, maybe there was no getting around that. Maybe he had been a coward. Maybe Bones had been right to be angry with him.
Lied about his feelings, pushed him away.
Bones had known. He hadn't bought that Jim didn't feel the same way. He knew. Of course he did. Leonard knew Jim as well as he knew himself. He thought back to that day on Altamid and the confidence Bones had approached him with. He wasn't feeling him out, he wasn't asking IF they could, he was asking HOW they could move forward. And when Jim rejected him, he saw right through it.
And Jim had caused so much pain. All in the name of preventing pain. Everyone was moving forward, except the two of them. They were stuck in the past, and something had to give.
*~*~*~*
“Enter,” Leonard called out when Jim rang his door chime the next day, before shift. It was early, but he wanted him to have time to cool off, not having had enough time to put in for a transfer.
“Hey, Bones,” he greeted carefully, meeting the other man's guarded expression.
“Hey, Jim,” he replied just as carefully. “I gotta get to shift. I promised M'Benga I wouldn't be late to relieve him.”
“Yeah, um, I wanted to apologize about yesterday. I know I took you by surprise and that may have led to … Damn it, I don't know how to put this. I've been thinking about it all night and I still don't know how to say it without pissing you off more.”
“Just say it, Jim,” he sighed wearily. “I doubt you can say anything that wouldn't piss me off more right now.”
“You're wrong.”
McCoy rolled his eyes.
“I was trying to find a way to say it without telling you that you're flat out wrong, that you misunderstood everything, but I can't, because you did. But only because I made assumptions I shouldn't have and gave you crap to work with. Your wrong conclusions were inevitable.
“I was never worried about being a stepdad. I knew I was never leaving this ship, not willingly, and if you and I tried forging a life together, I would be preventing you from having a family, maybe having a spouse that you could make a home with for Joanna. With me, we may never have a home on Earth or any other planet. We certainly won't have children. I didn't want to take that from you, because I wasn't willing to compromise on that. My ship would always come first.”
“Damn it, Jim,” he still sounded tired, even sad, as he approached the door. McCoy stopped and gripped Kirk's arm before heading out the door. “You couldn't wait to do this after shift. I have something to say to that, but I gotta go. Come back tonight, OK?”
“OK,” Jim agreed, and left with him, heading in the opposite direction.
*~*~*~*
Being Captain had its disadvantages. Not being able to leave right when your shift ended was the worst one as far as Jim was concerned. Over an hour past when he had planned to be back to McCoy's quarters he was walking there with an outer calm that was not a reflection of how he felt inside. When Leonard admitted him, the Captain felt entirely over dressed in his uniform. Bones had already changed out of his uniform and was walking around his quarters in a soft t shirt, old jeans and barefoot.
“Before you get comfortable, here's what I have to say what you told me this morning. First of all, thanks for dumping that on me after only one cup of coffee. And second of all, how dare you decide for me what I want out of life? I had no intentions on settling down with a damn white picket fence or having anymore kids. Damn it, Jim, I never wanted more kids. I wasn't stellar with the first. And as much as I complain about space, well, that's my right if I want to. Doesn't mean that I wouldn't choose to be out here, on the cutting edge of research, every time.
“Damn you, Jim. Being with you wasn't taking anything from me. But you sure as hell took something from us by pushing me away. I know this ship comes first for you. Don't think for one moment I wouldn't drop you on your ass if, WHEN, I got a call from Sick Bay. You and I, two peas in a pod. We've got the same priorities, you fool. Doesn't mean we gotta have a cold bed.”
“I know,” Jim choked out, a tear rolling down his cheek as he stood there, arms at his sides, feeling small in his gold shirt. “I know that now. I messed up. I...”
“Well, I hope you didn't rip open these old wounds just to do it to me again. Get over here.”
Surprised, Kirk looked up, to find a still scowling Bones with his arms opened towards him. They made eye contact and Bones' scowl softened and he motioned for him to come to him. Jim did, wrapping his arms around the other man's back, burying his face in his neck and holding on tight. He didn't realize he'd begun crying in earnest until he registered Leonard shushing him and rubbing his back.
“It's OK, Darl'n. The past doesn't' matter anymore. We'll make the future work. I got some stuff you can wear tonight. Let's get some dinner, and some sleep. I don't know about you, but today has wore me out.”
Jim could only nod into Bones' shoulder and hold on tighter.
*~*~*~*
They married two months later. It would have been much sooner, but there were several crew members that wanted to throw an actual wedding, and a former first officer and 'green blooded busy body' who wanted to attend.
It was worth the wait. All of it was.
The End