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it hurts.
it hurts more than cheryl could’ve anticipated it hurting, but it hurts.
maybe even worse than when jason died. learning that her twin brother was dead had tore apart any hope or shred of happiness inside the twin he left behind. learning that her father had been the one to murder him, to take his life, to take him away from her?
well, if you need any evidence, just look towards the fact that she tried to drown herself in sweetwater river just weeks after learning the news.
she thought she’d never be happy again.
and then toni topaz came along.
toni topaz had showed up in the girls bathroom, had shown empathy, had sat with her through a movie and had held her hand as she confessed her truth, and toni topaz had wormed her way into cheryl blossom’s cold and broken heart, filling the cracks with warmth and light when she thought the possibility of that happening had died the day her brother did.
cheryl finds herself staring at her now less than filled closet, some of the hangers no longer keeping clothes within their hooks, and once she starts staring, she can’t stop.
her phone buzzes, a few times, actually, but cheryl doesn’t pick it up. she can’t find it in her to do so. she knows they’re either messages from toni, or messages from someone she doesn’t care about, so either way, she’s screwed. what’s the point?
mon amour [19:32]
my stuff is gone. you can come back home now…i’ll be gone by the time you get here, i promise.
mon amour [20:52]
are you home yet?
mon amour [21:41]
cheryl, please…just let me know that you’re at least safe. i’m worried.
mon amour [23:15]
okay…you can ignore me, that’s fine. i know you’re upset…i love you, cheryl.
she doesn’t even read the messages from the notification bar. her phone just rests on the bedside table, untouched, buzzing closer and closer to the edge with each message that toni sends as she just spends hours staring at the closet before her, unable to think, or move, or process anything that’s happened in the last twenty four hours.
how the hell did they go from a passionate, intense session of love making to…this?
she’s gone, cheryl. she left you, just like everyone else does.
it’s not really something she’s come to terms with, yet…the fact that she, cheryl blossom, is no longer dating antoinette topaz. that they’ve broken up and been left in shambles with nothing but toni’s scent left on the pillow on her side of the bed that cheryl has still refused to lay down on.
toni promised her she’d never be alone again, and yet here she is…alone.
alone, staring at a goddamn closet with empty hangers, begging them to be refilled and for warm arms to wrap around her waist and hold her close.
she doesn’t even know where toni’s staying, god…
she rubs at her swollen eyes, itchy and tired from last night’s lack of sleep, something she knows will happen again tonight as she reaches for the glass on the dresser filled with her father’s finest whiskey from the secret safe he had in thistlehouse.
she and jason cracked the code when they were nine, had been stealing money from him for years without him knowing it. it’s not like he didn’t have other bills to replace the ones they stole, so what did he care?
money. such a simple thing for cheryl. and such a hard thing to come by for toni.
two completely different people, born on opposite sides of the tracks, and somehow they worked.
until they didn’t.
cheryl knows, somewhere deep in her heart and mind, that she’s being unreasonable. that kicking toni out for simply trying to navigate her job and her position as leader in a gang as well as being cheryl’s girlfriend was something that clearly overwhelmed her, and that cheryl should woman up and talk to her about it instead of lashing out like this, but fuck it, she can’t help it.
because walking into the speakeasy to see toni jumping around on stage with veronica fucking lodge of all people just made her feel worthless.
toni was having fun.
more fun than cheryl’s ever seen her have when they’ve been together. how is that supposed to make her feel? and for toni to tell her that them moving in together was too soon?
she has a point, cheryl. you’ve been stuck together like glue ever since she moved in, she just needs a bit of separation…
the rational part of her brain tries to break through, but cheryl pushes it down and gulps down the whiskey in her glass before she winces at the burn it causes down her throat and stares, once again, at the closet in front of her.
the metaphorical fucking closet she spent years in that has now lead to this.
to her being too clingy. to her wanting toni by her side at all times or not at all, instead of compromising and accepting the fact that sometimes…god, sometimes toni just needed some fucking space.
you break the things in your life that are beautiful, cheryl blossom. it’s what you do. god, you’re an idiot…
her phone buzzes again, and once more, cheryl ignores it…
mon amour [01:04]
i can’t sleep…i just need to know you’re okay. just anything, cher, please, i’m freaking out here and i don’t want to come to thistlehouse, but i will if you want me to.
she can’t believe she’s destroyed the only good thing left in her life, but she knows some part of her isn’t being completely unfair. it’s like…fuck, it’s like toni didn’t want to spend any time with her, like she was actively avoiding her to spend time with her gang, or doing her job, or just doing anything other than being with cheryl, and for the fucking life of her, she doesn’t understand why.
is it because she was being too clingy? is it because toni was feeling suffocated by their relationship? is it because this room, this home was too much for her too handle? a lavish house with eight bedrooms when little toni topaz was raised in a shoebox trailer with one room that she was often kicked out of anyway by her homophobic uncle?
all these questions that cheryl has, but she’s too afraid to ask. because it makes her look weak. it makes her look like an idiot, to fight for something that toni doesn’t want anymore.
why should she be the only one fighting for them to stay together when toni clearly isn’t putting in any effort?
she’s messaging you, isn’t she?
god, her brain hurts…
cheryl grabs the bottle of whiskey, goes to pour herself another glass before she decides against it and simply drinks from the bottle instead.
fuck it. fuck the relationship, and fuck toni topaz.
cheryl’s fine on her own. she’s done this before, and she survived…barely. but that doesn’t matter, she’s done this before, and she can do it again.
she’s perfectly fine on her own. she doesn’t need toni or anyone else.
she drains what’s left of the bottle, stumbles her way over to her bed and crashes down on top of it, willing the alcohol to lull her into a false sense of security, but all it does is heighten her senses, because, with a groan, she rolls over and realizes she’s landed on toni’s side of the bed.
and the scent that hits her has her drawing her knees up to her chest as her chin wobbles and the tears just begin to…fall.
she’s gone. she’s really gone, toni…toni’s left her.
they’re not together anymore.
cheryl and toni, and toni and cheryl…it’s over. it’s done, it’s finished, she’s…she’s never coming back.
you pushed her away, cheryl. you did this to yourself. you pushed her away and now she’s gone and it’s all your fault!
she pinches the skin of her forearm, bites down on her bottom lip and squeezes her eyes shut, but it’s no use.
because she’s sobbing. openly and freely, hugging her body close as she curls up into a ball and sinks her face into toni’s pillow with these ragged cries and harsh gasps for air that only leave her choking and spluttering for air.
she can’t lose her…she can’t lose toni, she’s the only good thing she has left in her life, and now she’s gone. god, what has she done?
“i’m sorry…i’m s-sorry, pl-please…”
her broken wails echo out to no one, a dead empty room surrounding her, and it starts to hit her that once again, as she lays on her bed, her cold, empty bed, that she’s lost the only thing in her life that she found worth living for.
she’s lost her girlfriend. she’s lost the love of her life.
she’s alone.
once again, she’s…she’s all alone.
and with that thought, the rest of the tiny fissures that began to form in her heart the moment she got up and walked away from toni at the speakeasy last night crack beyond repair.
------------
still no reply.
toni topaz stares at the ‘zero notifications’ bar with a sigh of frustration before she runs her fingers through her hair and stares up at the ceiling of the speakeasy, the couch beneath her body lumpy and not at all what she’s used to after months spent sleeping in a soft, queen sized bed.
a bed that belonged to her girlfriend.
ex-girlfriend, now…
toni blinks back her tears and pulls the blankets over herself further, tries not to look at the shining numbers on her phone telling her that it is now fucking one thirty in the morning and cheryl still hasn’t replied to her.
god, she just wants something, anything…she’ll even take a fucking cherry emoji at this point, she just needs to know that cheryl is at least safe.
maybe she doesn’t have a right to know that anymore, but fuck, toni can’t exactly fall out of love with cheryl blossom overnight. she’s worried and she’s scared and she knows that cheryl is probably handling this break up about as well as toni is.
which is not at all.
she contemplates calling the girl, but she isn’t exactly sure she’d be able to handle hearing cheryl’s voice right now. just the thought of her smile has had toni bursting into tears at least eight times in the last twenty four hours since cheryl walked away from her.
and fuck, part of her should be mad. because she tried. she tried to talk about their issues properly, and cheryl just snapped at her and walked off, had all but kicked her out of thistlehouse-
she didn’t kick you out, toni. you fucking left.
but what choice did she have?
it’s not an easy thing for her to fucking admit, but it’s the truth. she loves cheryl, god, she loves her more than she’s ever loved anyone in her entire fucking life, but she was suffocating in that home with nana rose lurking around every corner, reminders of just how different their lives were hanging in every thousand dollar painting up on the walls, in the drawers of the kitchen with golden fucking spoons worth more than toni’s motorcycle.
she’s not…fuck, she’s not made for the lavish lifestyle. and it’s not cheryl’s fault, not at all, but toni’s always been about making it on her own, earning her keep and getting through life one day at a time, and cheryl…cheryl’s not like that.
as much as she hates to think this about her girlfriend, the truth is, cheryl was born with a golden spoon in her mouth. she hasn’t worked a day in her life to earn the money she has, so she has no idea just how much toni was struggling.
she had so much on her plate, juggling her job, leading the pretty poisons, and being cheryl’s girlfriend, it’s just…it’s all so much.
but god, cheryl blossom was worth it. she was worth every inch of sweat, every ounce of panic and worry that gripped her during their time together, every thought of her not being enough for the blossom girl, because just to see that smile…
that smile was worth everything to toni topaz.
and now she’s lost it. with a few simple words said in the heat of the moment, not entirely untruthful, but maybe spoken a little too harshly.
she should’ve fought harder, she should’ve grabbed cheryl’s hand and forced her to stay, to talk this out, but she didn’t want to corner cheryl and make her feel like she couldn’t fucking leave.
what kind of message does that send?
she put so much effort into you, toni. you’re so fucking selfish…
she planned a whole holiday for them for spring break. and toni told her she was going with the pretty poisons to some lakeside? for fucking what?
maybe some deep seated part of her rejected the idea of cheryl paying for such an expensive holiday because toni contributed nothing to it. and it hurts.
it hurts that she can’t be the one to come up with lavish holidays for her girlfriend, that she can’t afford pretty jewelry and fancy clothes for her girlfriend to wear. toni’s not even middle class, she’s the lowest of lows, just trying to fucking survive while cheryl blossom is the top one percent of the one percent in riverdale.
how did she ever think they could work?
you’re not good enough for her. and maybe cheryl’s finally realizing that. maybe that’s why she’s not replying.
toni turns over and buries her face into her pillow, and tries to muffle the sound of her tears. there’s no one else here, but she doesn’t want to be weak right now. toni topaz isn’t weak…
but when it came to cheryl blossom…
but she can try harder, can’t she? she can pick up extra shifts here and…and she can maybe get a job waitressing at the diner, veronica wouldn’t mind. she can save every single penny until she’s rich enough to take cheryl to wherever she wants in the world-
don’t be naïve, toni. you can barely afford gas for your bike. get real.
she’s just…not worthy enough.
but…but cheryl loved her, didn’t she? she did…she told her she did, multiple times since the first night they said it all those months ago…they loved each other, they did…
does it matter? no, because you’re still not worthy. you’re just some southside serpent whore with no money and no name, and cheryl blossom deserves ten times better than you could ever give her.
toni squeezes her eyes shut, tries to will these thoughts away when her phone buzzes.
her eyes snap open before she’s reaching under her pillow desperately for her phone, but when she sees veronica’s name shining back at her, toni finds herself groaning in despair as she finally allows herself to just…cry.
veronica lodge [01:45]
i’m retiring for the night, but i hope you’re finding the speakeasy comfortable. and toni…i’m so sorry about cheryl. let me know if you need anything. <3
toni shoves her phone back under her pillow, curls up into a ball onto her side and buries her face into her pillow, letting her tears fall and fall as her chest aches with each breath in she takes.
she lost her…the best goddamn thing to ever happen in her pathetic life, and she lost her.
you’re an idiot, toni topaz. the biggest goddamn idiot on this god forsaken earth.
she needs…she needs to make this right, but fuck, how does she even start? how is she supposed to put into words how she feels? how is she supposed to open cheryl’s eyes, let her see just how much she means to toni?
she loves her. she loves her so fucking much and toni just let her go, why…why the fuck did she do that?
no…no, they need this. they need some time apart, they do, it’s better this way, it is…they can’t keep going like this, fighting all the time, maybe…maybe just a little bit of time apart will do them some good.
and god knows they both need some good right now-
her phone buzzes.
she inhales sharply and grabs it, and when she sees cheryl’s name, it takes her over ten minutes to actually open the message because she’s crying so fucking hard.
cher-bear <3 [02:02]
i miss you.
oh god…she can’t do this.
she can’t do this, she can’t, she needs her here-
fuck, as much as cheryl was clingy, as much as toni needed her space, she didn’t realize…she didn’t realize losing her would hurt this fucking much.
you [02:03]
i miss you, too. i miss you so much, cheryl.
she watches the three dots come up as soon as she hits send, watches them stop and start, stop and start, over and over for almost five minutes, but she fucking waits.
until-
cher-bear <3 [02:08]
i feel alone.
toni’s heart cracks.
it cracks into tiny little pieces until she’s openly sobbing, her heart squeezing as she tries her best to type out her reply, but her hands are shaking so badly-
she’s alone. toni promised her she’d never be alone again and toni left her.
why, why, fuck, why, this can’t be how they end, it can’t be how they fucking end-
you [02:10]
you’re not alone. never, cheryl. i’m here, and i always will be, i swear on my goddamn life.
toni hits send, watches again as the dots pop up and disappear, pop up and disappear, her heart racing, because maybe…maybe she has a chance here, maybe she can fix this-
cher-bear <3 [02:12]
you’re not here now.
toni doesn’t even hesitate.
you [02:13]
you want me there, i’m there. just say the word.
and cheryl’s reply comes through in less than a minute.
cher-bear <3 [02:14]
okay.
toni throws the covers off herself and jumps off the couch, grabbing her sweatpants and shoving them on before she quickly taps out a reply telling cheryl she’s on her way.
she almost forgets to look up the speakeasy in her haste, curses under her breath and locks the door before she’s running outside to pop’s diner’s parking lot and jumping onto her bike.
she’s going way above the speed limit, but she doesn’t give a single fuck. she’s so desperate to get back to thistlehouse, to get back to cheryl that she finds herself at the driveway to the mansion in less than seven minutes.
she grabs the key hidden in the flower pot, a pang hitting her heart over the fact that she left her keys on cheryl’s dresser this afternoon when she packed her things before she shoves the door open and walks inside.
she makes a beeline up the stairs and straight to cheryl’s room, and the second she opens the door, she finds the sight before her almost has her falling to her knees.
cheryl’s curled up on top of her bed, her eyes distant and glazed with tears, puffy and red and she’s shaking so goddamn hard-
“cher? it’s me…” toni walks forward slowly, not wanting to startle the redhead, who simply looks up at her before her face screws up in anguish, and toni throws caution to the wind and rushes over, moves behind her ex-girlfriend and immediately wraps an arm around her waist to pull her in close.
oh god, the feel of her…toni misses her…she misses her, she needs her, she’s so fucking dumb-
“it’s okay…it’s okay, cheryl, i’m here…”
cheryl turns in her arms, the sobs escaping her hitting toni hard as she lets herself cry too, the both of them clutching each other as they try to make fucking sense of what the hell is going on right now…
why are we breaking up when we can’t even survive a few hours without each other?
toni smells the hint of alcohol and finds herself wincing, the memories hitting her out of nowhere and making her heart clench with more than just pain over her girlfriend’s broken wails and sobs.
“get the fuck out of my trailer, toni! i don’t want your…your kind anywhere near me! get out!
“wild turkey…” toni murmurs under her breath before she can stop herself, and she hears cheryl inhale sharply before-
“it was my uncle’s favorite, too.” toni whispers. cheryl’s fingers grip her shirt harder, and she whimpers as she tries to pull away, but toni doesn’t let her.
“shh, it’s okay. i understand, i…cheryl, we c-can’t let it end like this.” toni croaks out, tucking a finger under cheryl’s chin to lift her gaze as the redhead sniffs once and lets out a soft whimper.
“we’re…we’re f-falling apart, t-toni. m-maybe we weren’t m-meant to survive-.”
“i don’t believe that. i d-don’t, not for a single second. cheryl…i love you so much. but our communication skills, they fucking suck right now, and we need to work at it, because i can’t lose you, i c-can’t-.”
toni’s silenced with a kiss, cheryl’s tears splashing onto her face as the red haired girl sobs against her before she pulls back with a small shake of her head.
“i c-can’t lose you, either. b-but…but maybe you w-were right, maybe w-we need some t-time apart…”
toni simply nods solemnly, runs her fingers up and down cheryl’s spine over her shirt before she leans up to press her forehead against cheryl’s with a shaky breath.
“just…just f-for a little while…maybe we can figure this out, and maybe we can’t, but i w-won’t give up on us, cheryl. as long as you’re still fighting…so am i.”
cheryl doesn’t say anything, just simply nods again before she pecks another kiss to toni’s lips and lowers herself back down onto her chest, exhaling deeply against her as toni plays with the ends of her hair absentmindedly, her eyes closed as she breathes in cheryl’s scent-
“just…for tonight…can you s-stay?” cheryl whispers softly.
“of course i can.” toni whispers back, pressing a kiss to her hairline before she smiles as best she can and wraps her arms tighter around her…god, who even knows anymore.
but it doesn’t matter.
because she loves cheryl blossom. and cheryl blossom loves her.
and no matter what…they’ll make it through this.
they have to make it through this.