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I tap out a random tune on the piano as I think about the boy I saw today.
We ran into each other in the grocery store. I mentioned that I thought I knew him, and he said I look familiar. He introduced himself with his first and last name. I smiled at that, though his name was mute in my ears. We talked for a good five minutes before parting ways. I wouldn’t catch random parts of his sentences, but I made do with what I did hear.
I think about his face, his colorful hair, his strong build, his pale skin. I’ve seen him from afar but now up close, and he has seen me.
The truth is, he does recognize me, whether he knows it or not. He sees me almost every day. Because I’m following him.
I am constantly in the background of his life. Peering through windows, hiding behind shelves in bookstores. I watch him go about his busy little life and learn all the things he likes to talk about. I see him drumming in his garage in the late evening in my rear view mirror.
The first time I saw him, I knew I had to have him. It was an immediate attraction for me, he was walking outside of the grocery store where we talked today. I was going in, but found myself turning around and following this magnetic individual. I didn’t even get groceries that day.
I instead followed him in my car, all the way to his house. I wrote down his address and since then I’ve been following. Learning. Keeping my distance.
Would I call myself a stalker? Not entirely. I'm not trying to hurt or scare him. I just want him to be mine.
One night I watched with pleasure as he argued with his girlfriend, and found myself smiling when he declared they were now “on a break,” whatever that means. I’ve never understood relationships on that level. Why get so close to someone who drives you so insane? How do you know if what you’re feeling is love or simply stubbornness? Do you actually want to be with this person out of love, or are you just too stubborn to lose one of your chosen battles?
I have no interest in getting that close to him. I don’t want to be so involved that I get to the point he and his ex were at the other night.
From afar, everything is safe. You have this beautiful, special person you’ve chosen, and the daydreams that play out in your head. It’s all fake, fantasies… But even so, people are much more appealing that way. You can make them perfect for you, ignore all the little things that you’d rather not think about. The little things that would be shoved in your face if you were with them in real life.
He treats me well when he sees me following him. Smiling at me just like he does every other stranger. He obviously hasn’t noticed yet. I sometimes wonder if he’s dumb. I wonder that about everyone though. If I was getting followed, I think I’d know.
But normal people don't think so hard about everything, so I've heard. My therapist I used to see a year and a half ago once told me I need to stop overthinking everything and it would be easier for me to make friends. I told him I think just enough about everything, and if people aren't what I want then I have no reason to stick around. If someone isn't perfect, are they even worth the trouble?
Is Josh perfect? Probably not. I have high standards-- standards that I have no idea how to articulate. But if he isn't right, I'll know.
I talked to him today at the grocery store because I think I want him to notice me. I want to see him realize that I’ve been here the whole time. Months have gone by since I saw him first. I wonder if he’ll be scared of me. I wonder if it will be harder for me to see him. Probably.
I’d trailed off from playing the piano, just sitting on the bench lost in thought, when my phone chimes. A facebook notification. I open it up and it’s a friend request. From him.