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Ever since they separated him from August at the toy factory, Jack’s been looking for him day and night, for months; in this world and his world. August was the constant in both worlds, he was always there for Jack, voluntarily or by order, he never left his side. Jack screamed and yelled and whispered for his Knight, begging him to come back for him, commanding him – all to vein.
Time was really relative; usually it felt like it’s been a day worth of years, then turned out that weeks passed. Jack wondered if this was the case for August too. Actually, August was on his mind in every second of every minute: is he eating properly, do they treat him well, does he still love him?
Without August, Jack was lost; lost between worlds, confused by his own mind and emotions. Jack was losing the remains of his sanity without August, the only person who made sense of both worlds co-existing, the only person who really believed in him, the only person… he had. No one else would understand him, and Jack didn’t have it in himself anymore to try to hide his truth.
In those many months Jack only saw August twice, briefly, once on the corridor – for the first time since they got separated –, and once in his own room. It wasn’t enough. Compared to a lifetime, August being apart from him seemed longer. Jack wanted him by his side at all times, as it’s always been like. He wanted August in many ways, looking into his dark and knowing eyes, touching his skin, running his fingers through his hair, more…
Then, after many examinations, they announced Jack’s surgery. He objected; he didn’t understand the need for it, though they tried to explain it to him at first, but they gave up with that shortly. Jack was afraid. What will happen to him?
Lying on the operating table Jack immersed himself in his own world, escaping the other world that was so scary, even scariest without August to be by his side. Then darkness came. Sweet nothingness, no images of either world, his brain just kind of filtered out everything; why bother perceiving anything when August isn’t there? After a while Jack drifted off, finally catching some sleep after who knows how long.
Jack woke up in a hospital bed, alone. The first thing he did after opening his eyes was instinctively looking for August. He wasn’t there – but his world wasn’t there either. How cruel, how lonely, how terrifying. Jack experienced a hoard of emotions, feeling loss and grief the most intensely.
Soon Jack was brought back to his room in the facility, the same building that August was in. This thought gave Jack some relief, but he still couldn’t see him, touch him, be with him. He had been explained that his world was caused by a tumor in his brain, so that kind of explains why Jack couldn’t see it anymore with the tumor gone. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t see August, it shouldn’t mean that!
Jack’s release date had been set, and he knew that August will have to stay for a few more weeks – for too long to be without him. Now anxiety started building up for reasons he didn’t have the capacity to consider much: how does August feel after all of this? If Jack has to lose him, he just didn’t know what he’d do without the other. He always told August that he wouldn’t be whole without him, but it was the same for him; he’d just been too afraid to admit it. What if August doesn’t want to do anything with him now? Is he mad at him, despises him? If Jack wasn’t crazy, now these questions started driving him crazy.
Jack behaved the best he could since the surgery, asking, pleading to see August before he’s released. Finally, he was granted the permission; mixed feeling followed, relief, desire, fear. On the day, Jack put on a calm façade, but inside he’s been tearing apart, feeling a turning point, he just didn’t know if it was for the better or worse.
Jack was escorted to August’s room – the condition of the visit being constantly watched by a guard. He waited patiently at his Knight’s door for the guard to open it. It crossed Jack’s mind that he’d back out of the situation, but he couldn’t do that to August; whatever they needed to settle, they had to do it now.
August was sitting on his bed, turning his attention to the guard, then to Jack. His face was unreadable – that’s not good. Jack asked for permission to sit on his bed next to him and after a nod he did so. It was harder than he’d ever imagined. If August has nothing to say, he’ll just inform him of him leaving the next day. The other boy didn’t seem surprised – of course he knew, Jack should have known; he probably knew, but what else could he say? Slowly some conversation started between them, August asked about the surgery – of course he knew about that too – and suddenly distanced himself from Jack. Not physically, they still sat on the same bed on the same spot, but Jack could feel the sudden barrier August put up between them.
August has always been his everything, his friend, his teacher, his parent, his Knight, but he wanted more, always has. Terrified of his own thoughts, but more terrified of August’s rejection, Jack asked him if he was mad at him. He was on the verge of crying, he didn’t know how long he could hold back the tears. August seemed to relax his muscles, the tension easing, but not leaving his body. He put on a forced smile and started talking about Jack’s life like nothing happened. Jack felt like falling into a cold ocean, probably near the Arctic icefields. He demanded August’s attention, not the ‘nice guy’ parade he’s trying to do; he apologized and did it again and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, they started rolling down his cheeks, wetting his face, his shirt. Finally, August burst out – not loudly, not intimidating – demanding to know if without Jack’s world everything that happened was gone too – now he cried too. Jack reassured him, it’s just as real without him being able to see it as it was when he saw it, for proof, reciting the last wall-writing he’s read from the other world.
Jack loved August so much, as much as it is possible to love one another, even more. Real world, his world, any world means nothing without August in it. Bittersweet memories flew through his head and Jack’s hand moved on its own, wiping the tears from August’s face and who knows why or how, like a magnet pulling his face closer to August’s, he kissed him softly, just tasting his lips, carefully, to savor the moment. He then looked at August who seemed dumbfounded and Jack practically heard his own heart crack; he knew the risks, but he had to do it, just once, at least once in his life, kiss the most precious person in his life.
August studied his face for far too long, moments passing so slowly, Jack felt himself breaking down under the fear of rejection; but why hope? Why did he even do it? He already half regretted kissing August, but he was also glad for doing it, you know, now or never. Jack felt tears forming in his eyes again – man, is he a fountain of tears? August finally reacted: he grabbed Jack’s shirt and demanded an answer Jack couldn’t give. How long? Jack couldn’t even remember how long it’s been like this. He hung his head instead of answering, but that was probably enough of an answer for August as he caressed Jack’s face, and told him he’s here, to which Jack couldn’t hold back shallow voices of pain his breaking heart caused.
Suddenly August darted forward, eating Jack’s cries from his lips, devouring him, just for a few seconds, but for enough time to give Jack relief – at least for a few more seconds, but then he wanted more. The guard interrupted them. He had to go, but leaving August now felt even harder than before, if that’s possible. Jack promised he’d be back for him and just like that, the door shut behind him and August was out of sight.
Three weeks. It could have been eternity either, but Jack tried to focus on the actual numbers of days and subtract one every day until it was zero. In the meantime he kind of moved to Rina’s new apartment, and the girl was understanding and let him stay at least until August’s release. When the day came, Jack arrived at the hospital building far too early, but when it opened, he couldn’t step inside right away. Fear crept through his veins again, not fear for or from August but because of the both of them, their relationship.
Finally he went inside and saw August sitting in one of the chairs near the nurses’ station. Blessing for his eyes, the sight of his Knight, just as beautiful as ever. He approached him, stroked his hair and grabbed his face, lifting it up to look into his eyes. Jack came back for him, as he promised. They walked out of the facility together.
Their first trip was to the woods, where they knew they’d be alone without anyone around, and they shared their first free hug since the fire. It was just like all the embraces they shared before, but Jack couldn’t decide if it meant something else than before. August clung to him, his nails digging into the back of Jack’s neck, then he stepped back and studied the shorter boy. Their last interaction was a breakthrough for Jack, his last secret exposed, standing bare before August. This made Jack feel vulnerable, and of course scared.
What if August will leave him now? Jack knew he’s responsible for everything that August had to go through for him, costing too much. It would be perfectly understandable if August wanted to leave him. As if August could read his mind, he shook his head with a soft smile, and reached out to cup Jack’s face. Jack froze, waiting for his fate to be decided by August’s mercy, who gave him all the answers with a deep kiss and it took a long second for Jack to respond with his own shy but desiring kiss that they shared for longer than in August’s room in the ward.
When they parted, August took his hand and started walking, seemingly aimless, just wanting to wander around, feeling their palms touching, trying this old interaction in a new way. Jack didn’t dare speak, fearing to ruin the moment and the atmosphere. When August first spoke, his voice was harsh from not speaking for a while; he asked, where to, as in the old days, Jack leading and August following to everywhere, through everything. Jack smiled and squeezed August’s hand responding with this is fine, referring to a walk through the woods.
Soon they found themselves at the top of the hill, grass bending gracefully under the warm wind, sun shining almost as bright as the fire that jump-started the Rapturous Blue. They sat down, still holding hands and Jack turned to August.
‘It’s nice, isn’t it, being a free man.’
August’s face darkened for a moment then he nodded.
‘Being free wouldn’t matter without you. You being here with me is what makes it nice.’
Jack felt caught off-guard. A sentence like this would have had another meaning than it had now for him. He knows, practically nothing’s changed, but it kind of did too. Now he feels like he reads too much into every gesture and word of August.
He must have put on a troubled face, because August looked at him with tilted head, questions written all over his face. When Jack noticed, he just smiled and didn’t know what else he could do. All of a sudden, August murmured a quick ‘Com’ere’ before tackling Jack down to the ground, cuddling him, holding his face with gentle hands. Jack looked up at him and to that he received a quick kiss, just to make sure they both knew what this is about. They snuggled into each other’s arms and stayed like that until the sun started disappearing on the horizon. Jack had no more doubt about how August felt; sure, they’ve always loved each other, but now it was okay for him to love him in every possible way, as it was reciprocated.