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It was a normal Friday night in Cork, the real capital of Ireland. Despite the mild summer weather the street leading along the Lee at the Northside was almost deserted shortly after midnight. A man stumbled out of the Franciscan Well and made his way towards the city centre.
He held on to the shallow wall separating the pavement from the river. It was low tide now, and the river was several metres below the level of the street.
On the opposite side of the Lee, a couple was on its way home from a night of drinking in North Main street.
They heard the splash.
*~*
Kíli found the diary years after Fíli had gone.
Years that had done little to heal the wounds that Fíli’s disappearance had left.
And all this time. All this time the diary had been waiting for discovery, hiding behind the volumes of The Lord of the Rings.
Fíli’s favourite books. So Kíli had not touched them again. Until now, when he had craved that reconnection with Fíli.
When Fíli left, Kíli had been 20. Fíli had been 24.
Everyone had expected Fíli to move out. Naturally. Dublin was expensive so it was understandable neither nephew was inclined to move out of a cushy home near the town centre for a crappy room. But Fíli was a proper adult now, so certainly he would take a not quite as crappy room in a stranger’s place rather than stay in his room at Thorin’s place.
Kíli had dreaded the day.
But Fíli had not simply moved out. He had left on a “trip to New Zealand.” From the airport, Fíli had sent them an email that he needed time alone, that if they did not hear from him to please not report him missing. He would be fine. He got all his documents.
Kíli tried to call Fíli right then and there. Fíli had not picked up. A day later, the number was out of service.
He blocked Kíli and Thorin from his Facebook profile.
No searches were successful. And those of Fíli’s friends that Kíli contacted claimed they knew as little as him.
And Kíli still did not know why. Why Fíli had cut him out of his life.
And more than three years later, the answer might just be under the tip of his fingers. His instinct at first was to put the diary back. This was an invasion of Fíli’s privacy.
Anger won. Fíli had abandoned his family and Kíli was entitled to know why. He deserved that much.
With shaking fingers he opened the diary. It opened somewhere in the middle.
I can’t do this anymore. Fíli’s normally neat handwriting seemed almost sloppy here. I can’t. Today I had an appointment with a student counsellor, but I could not even talk about this. Fuck, I can’t even write it. Instead I told her about the day my dad died and how my mam abandoned me. And that Thorin took me in. I still wonder. Is that really the reason why I'm so fucked up? I'm so fucking disgusted with myself.
The rest of the page was as vague. Kíli skipped a few pages ahead. The entries were all from the year before Fíli had gone.
I should study more. Thorin expects great things of me. He keeps pushing me and I know he is right. I should do better. I need to do better. Dad raised me better. My dad and my uncle do deserve better than my sick mind. The rest of the entry consisted of Fíli sketching a plan to study. It did not seem to be successful, the following pages contained revisions of that plan.
Still, Fíli had graduated with an almost perfect score. Thorin had expected straight As of course, and Kíli had known Fíli was crushed he had not quite achieved that. But Thorin had always been a bit too harsh on Fíli. Kíli’s own score was a bit below what Fíli’s had been but all Thorin’s had said that given what had happened, he was proud of Kíli. Both his nephews had a master’s degree. As always, the mention of Fíli concluded the conversation. Kíli suspected that their uncle blamed himself for Fíli’s disappearance, and believed that the pressure he had put on his nephew had caused his nephew to crack.
Kíli went on to the next longer text entry. It was dated two weeks before his flight.
I have a plan. I will leave. It is the coward’s way out, but it is better for everyone involved. Especially Kíli. I know it will hurt him - “Too fucking true, you eejit,” Kíli hissed at the page, taking a moment before reading on. But it would hurt him more to know the truth about my feelings.
Kíli’s phone rang for the third time. With a curse he put the diary down, and picked the phone up.
“What the fuck, Ori?”
“Hello to you too. Have you heard from Fíli?”
Was Ori a psychic? When Kíli did not reply, Ori pressed on: “I was on the Indepent’s page, and I saw a picture of this guy who almost drowned in Cork.”
*~*
An hour later, Kíli was on the aircoach down to Cork. Thorin was away with the car and there was no need to worry him. The three hours on the bus were three hours too much for Kíli’s nerves.
He had taken the diary with him, as reading material. Shaken as he was, it took him a long while to decipher what he was reading:
He was 18 and he looked like a wounded doe at that funeral. I wish our parents hadn’t fought, I wish I had actually known my cousin. He stood there all alone next to his mother’s coffin and there was no one to hug him. Kíli closed his eyes. His mother’s funeral. The worst day of his life. Even worse than when Fíli disappeared. It was when it had really sunk in that Mam would not be back. Mam would never be back.
He remembered the uncle he did not know breaking down in tears at the sight of his sister in the coffin. And he remembered his horror when this imposing older man stood crying in front of him, stammering apologies for how the family had treated his mother when she had become pregnant out of wedlock and how much he regretted the pride that had stopped him from picking up the phone. Before it was too late.
And he remembered thinking how much his mother had craved reconciliation with her family and how it came too late.
Still, his mother had had little money and no house of her own, so he had taken that stranger’s offer of giving him a home. And while Fíli had not been able to give him a hug at the funeral, the two had soon bonded over their shared feelings of losing a parent. Fíli’s own father had died when he was 12. As his mother, who was remarried and living in Australia at that point, had no interest in taking her son in, Thorin had adopted his nephew.
It took Kíli almost an hour to pick up the diary again.
I was immediately drawn to that boy. He was grieving. And I was admiring his beauty, even while my heart was breaking for him because I remembered what it felt like to lose the parent who raised you, the one you always thought you could depend upon. At first I thought it will be all right. So my cousin is the most beautiful man in all of Ireland. We would become like brothers.
Kíli’s hands were shaking. He closed the diary. This was getting too much for a bus ride, he could not process this while tuning out the thumping bass of some eejit’s earphones, the giggling of a bunch of French teenagers and the loud conversation of a group of Spanish women.
What if the man in Cork was not Fíli? And what if he was but Kíli would not be allowed to see him?
~*~
Waiting rooms were a preview of hell.
One hour passed. A guard finally came to fetch Kíli.
“You said you may be family of the man who fell into the Lee?”
“Yes, sir.” Kíli pulled out Fíli’s expired ID he had remembered to bring. “This is my cousin, Fíli Durin. I thought he looked similar.”
The man looked at the ID. “And your cousin is a resident of Cork?”
Kíli took a deep breath. “I don’t know. He has taken a break from his friends and family.”
“So ye have not been in contact?”
Kíli shook his head mutely. The guard nodded as if to himself.
“I will go and talk to the doctors so.”
More waiting. Another hour passed. Then another. It was approaching 6 pm and Kíli had never even stopped to have lunch. A nurse came to Kíli.
“Your cousin is ready to talk to you.”
So it was Fíli.
How his legs carried him from the reception to the room, Kíli did not know. They felt like pudding.
He sank into the chair next to the bed once he was there. Yes. This was Fíli. Fíli’s blue eyes looking at him and then away. He had more wrinkles around his eyes.
Now that he was next to his cousin, Kíli could not think of anything to say. The nurse retired and they were alone.
Conversation buzzed around them. Footsteps clanked on linoleum floor. Visiting hours were officially over, but they seemed to make an exception here.
“Hi Kíli.”
Fíli’s voice was still the same, but weak.
“Hi.” Kíli looked at the spot on Fíli’s arm, where the infusion tube entered his body. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
Kíli had to swallow hard around the nervous lump that had lodged itself in his throat. “For.” For reading your diary. “For coming here, I guess. I know you did not want see us, but … Ori - remember him - saw your picture on the Independent site. They put your face there, I guess they did not know if you were making it, or they needed an ID or whatever. He called me. I did not even think, I just rushed to Aston Quay to get the coach.”
“Fuck.” Fíli ducked his head. “Don’t apologize, Kíli. I was an eejit. I … fuck.”
“Don’t get in a state now.” Kíli tried to smile. “You fucked yourself up properly.”
“I did.” Fíli looked up at Kíli again. “It was an accident anyway. I swear. I did not try and off myself.”
“I did not say that.”
“They do.” Fíli coughed. “They fished me out of the river at some time in the morning. My wallet with my ID was missing and my phone. I only woke up after you arrived. Sorry for the wait there.”
“It’s all right.” To his dismay, his voice broke slightly.
A nurse appeared to let them know that they could only give Kíli another 10 minutes
“Do you have a place to stay?” Fíli asked and Kíli shrugged.
“I will head back to Dublin tonight.”
“What?”
“I need to tell Thorin, don’t I. And … I saw you now. I know you’re alive anyway.”
“Yes.” Fíli moved his arm slowly and tried to grasp Kíli’s hand. “Please, come back here. To visit. I’ll give you my address if I am already discharged then. I lost my fecking phone but …”
“I’ll give you my number.”
“Grand.”
After Kíli had scribbled his number down on a piece of paper, he smiled at Fíli and patted him awkwardly on the arm.
Fíli bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Kíli.”
“It’s grand.”
They both knew it wasn’t.
On his way to St. Patrick’s Quay to catch a bus back, Kíli finally called Thorin.
Not surprisingly, his uncle yelled at him. It took Kíli the entire walk to convince Thorin to not jump into his car and race down to Cork. Instead, Kíli was going to go back to Dublin. And they would discuss the best course of action.
On the ride back, he had pulled out the diary again, feeling more guilty after having seen Fíli in person.
Seeing Kíli every day is too much for me. One day he will notice that I do not think of him as a brother and that I am so painfully into him. He thinks I’m straight because if he knew I’m gay he’d long since figured out that I want him so much. Hearing him go on about this Tauriel. It kills me. But I could stand that more than the thought of his disgust if he knew. I could not live with myself if I knew that Kíli hates me. I'm a coward. But I am going to run away from home. And once I found a nice guy that makes me forget my fecking cousin, I’ll be back and apologize.
Kíli felt the tears welling up in his eyes. THAT was why Fíli had abandoned his family? Including the uncle who had raised him since he was 12? THAT was why Fíli had hated himself so much his grades slipped? All because he had fallen for a first cousin he had never met until they were both practically adults?
Kíli had felt the same. He had accepted his cousin was straight, though, and while he was hurt, at the time, he had decided to be happy to have Fíli in his life as family.
~*~
Thorin had never been a rational man when it came to family and feelings, positive or negative. It had almost been midnight when Kíli was back at the house, his uncle practically pouncing on him. Kíli had just given him a brief summary of all that had happened and accepted the scolding about not telling his uncle straight away who would have abandoned everything to drive to Cork. He had no excuse, he did not even know why he had not told Thorin as soon as Ori had told him.
At 7 am the next day, Sunday, Thorin pounded against his door, barking orders to get ready, they were going.
Kíli was not stupid enough to ask where they were going.
They left at 7:30 am.
At 9:30, when they were nearly in Cork, Kíli got a text on his phone.
/Hey. It’s Fíli. My housemate brought me a phone./
/Hey./
/Have you told Thorin?/
/Yep. We are on our way to Cork./
“Who are you texting?”
“Fíli.”
“Tell him we’re on our way and not to move.”
“I don’t want to spook him!”
“Right.” Thorin’s knuckles were white around the wheel. “He gave you his home address too, right?”
“Yes.”
The phone vibrated again.
/How angry is he?/
Kíli glanced at Thorin. /He’s Thorin./
/Right. I might be in a talk with the doctors here. Still trying to convince them I am not suicidal./
/We’ll wait./
~*~
Waiting for one hour once in the hospital did not improve Thorin’s mood.
When they finally saw Fíli, Thorin was just as speechless as Kíli had been. Fíli twiddled with his pajamas.
“I am very sorry?” He offered finally.
Thorin balled his fists, relaxed them again, and then crossed his arms. “Don’t do it again. Please.”
“I won’t.”
To defuse this, Kíli asked. “So what did the doctors say?”
“They’re only like half convinced I did not throw myself into the Lee on purpose.” Fíli rolled his eyes.
“What is your current job?”
Both nephews looked at Thorin in confusion. Fíli smoothed his hair.
“Em. I’m working for the council. Managing council property.”
“Can you come to Dublin with us?”
Fíli’s hand dropped. “What?”
Thorin shrugged. “Tell the doctors you’re going to spend time with your family.”
“So they won’t think it necessary to force me into a mental hospital?”
“Yes.”
Kíli coughed to cover the silence that ensued. “If Fíli wants to spend time with us, Thorin. I mean, given that … I mean, I found him. He did not contact us.”
He could not help the anger that seeped into the second half of that statement. Fíli lowered his head.
“I’m happy to come and stay with yous for a while. I’m sure that can be arranged with work.”
“Good. I’ll find the doctor.” Thorin stomped out of the door.
Kíli looked after him, then turned to Fíli.
“You know how he is.”
“Yeah.”
“He missed you.”
“I missed yous.”
Kíli nodded, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He did not even notice he did not say anything until Fíli asked, very quietly:
“Did you miss me?”
“Of course.” Not stopping his frown. “I tried to contact you so many times. I even tried to contact your friends.”
“Yeah. - So what are you doing now?”
It took a moment for Kíli to change gears. “I’m starting an internship with Balin next month. And I’m doing some security work for Dwalin’s company.” He shrugged. “I’m taking advantage of the privileges I got, you see.”
Dwalin and Balin were two cousins of his mother and Thorin who were also still trying to make up for their behaviour after Dis became pregnant as an unmarried mother.
“And you’re still living with Thorin?”
“Have you looked at what they charge you for rent in Dublin recently?”
“Cork isn’t much better.” Fíli sighed. “My housemate is grand and all that, but still. We pay way too much for that shithole.”
“The housing crisis sucks.”
And that was a fruitful subject until Thorin returned, a doctor in tow. The doctor looked from Thorin to Fíli.
“So, your uncle tells me you could stay with him in Dublin for a while?”
Fíli nodded. “It’d be grand to spend some time with the family. And you said that physically I’m fine?”
“You were lucky that couple called the guards immediately.”
“I know.” Kíli had the impression that Fíli had heard that many times before. Fíli crossed his arms, almost exactly like Thorin. “I can be discharged straight away so?”
The doctor looked at him and then sighed. “Sure. I’ll get the papers ready.”
Once he left, Fíli looked to his uncle. “We need to swing by my house to get some stuff. And I need to let Bofur know I’ll be gone.”
~*~
Fíli lived not far from the city centre, on the South side. The drive there was, of course, overly complicated and led through roads too narrow for the amount of traffic through them and Thorin released some of the tension they all felt by cursing through the entire trip there.
It was past noon, so Fíli told them to come in and have lunch. Luckily, Fíli’s housemate was there and did not seem to find it strange to see Fíli’s uncle and cousin. Within no time, Thorin helped Bofur to prepare some quick lunch while Kíli was going to help Fíli pack.
The first thing Kíli noticed in Fíli’s room were the pictures. Fíli had an entire desk full of pictures of family and friends. And pictures of Kíli were prominent in the collection.
Fíli glanced over there. “I told you, I missed yous.”
Thanks to Bofur, lunch was actually relaxed, or as relaxed as it could be while everyone debated hurling. And not what had happened, though Bofur mentioned that seeing that picture of Fíli in the news had been a shock. Apparently, he had been at the hospital shortly before Kíli arrived to identify his housemate and Fíli had even briefly spoken to him before letting Kíli come in.
The first hour everyone in the car was silent, just listening to the radio where presenters were discussing the drought and Brexit.
Then Thorin spoke.
“Why Cork?”
Fíli, who was in the front seat, looked at him and then at Kíli in the back. “Well. I was in New Zealand for a year, working in hotels. Then I went to Spain to teach English. And then I wanted to go back to Ireland but … I was not ready to go back to Dublin like. I was hoping for Galway, but I got the first job offer from Cork, so I moved here a year ago.”
“You’re happy?”
“Happy enough.” Fíli slid down on his seat. “Cork is grand.”
“And what were you doing on your own when you fell into that river?”
Fíli slunk down even further. “The doctors kept asking me.”
“So what did you tell them?”
“I was tired. My friends weren’t. I decided to go home on my own. Can’t a man go home alone?”
“How did your friends not notice you were in no state to walk home alone! Did you take drugs?”
“I did not! Do you need the hospital report?”
That argument went on for a while. In the backseat Kíli was watching helplessly. Hoping Thorin would not drive Fíli away as soon as they found him again.
Near Kildare, the argument finally subsided. The rest of the car ride was spent in silence again, broken by the occasional attempt by Kíli to talk about the weather or the state of the road.
When they pulled into the driveway of Thorin’s house, Fíli asked:
“So - will I stay in my old room?”
Thorin nodded. “There’s not much changed there. Kíli can get you some linen.”
So Kíli did. When he entered Fíli’s room, his cousin was standing by the window, looking out into their back garden. The apple tree was already sporting tiny apples. When he heard Kíli’s awkward elbow knock (his arms were kind of full) on the doorframe to let Fili know he was there, Fíli turned around with a small smile.
Thorin got dinner from the local chipper. Nobody talked much during dinner. Then, just as Kíli wanted to get up to clear the plates, Fíli said quietly:
“I wasn’t in a good place four years ago. I’m so sorry about the manner I left. I honestly meant to stay out of touch for only a couple of months maybe. And then time just flew by, and there was never the right moment. And it was getting more awkward. I did not know what to say.”
Thorin looked at him for a long time. He looked older this evening somehow.
“I am sorry too, Fíli. I put too much pressure on you. I had promised your dad I would take care of you. And I am sorry if I made you feel as if I just fulfilled my duty to my late brother when I took you in. And as if … as if you would not always be welcome back.”
Kíli tried to make himself small. He should have left the room as soon as this started. By now he felt too awkward to leave.
“It was not you. It was me. I just felt that before I come back I had to accomplish more with my life.”
“Because I made you feel that way!”
“No! Dad was the same! And … I feel the same!” Fíli clutched at the table. “Look at our family. Everyone is so successful. And all I did was working odd jobs in hotels in New Zealand, just because I wanted to see Middle Earth like, and then hang around Malaga to enjoy the sun while teaching English. And now I got a temporary job with the council of Cork. It's not what I expected of myself!”
And, once more, silence ensued. Kíli knew, just like Fíli, that Thorin was an ambitious man who had high standards for himself and others.
“You’re young.” Thorin finally said. “You got international experience. You will find your way. I have trust in you.”
And then he abruptly got up, taking the plates and marching towards the kitchen at full speed.
Fíli looked at Kíli and they both grinned in embarrassment.
“Well.” Kíli almost giggled in relief. “I told you he missed you.”
“I wanted to make him proud.” And just like that, Fíli destroyed the mood.
If Kíli hadn’t read the diary, he would have put a hand on Fíli’s shoulder. Instead he just leaned closer.
“As do I. But for now, you made him happy by coming to Dublin and spending time with us.”
Fíli smiled, his dimples truly appearing for the first time since Kíli had seen him again. “Thank you, Kíli.”
~*~
Kíli had gotten time off from Dwalin - he was only working a few hours a week anyway - but Thorin had to go to work the next morning. Though he promised he would make arrangements to have more time available for his nephew.
After breakfast, Kíli had pretended that he wanted to spend some time preparing for the internship. He still needed to figure out how to deal with Fíli.
One hour later, there was hesitant knock on his door.
He opened the door to find Fíli who had the box with the Lord of the Rings trilogy in his hands and a stunned look on his face. Kíli’s heart sank.
“I …” Fíli almost seemed to gasp for air. “I was going through my stuff. I can’t find my diary.” He tried to smoothen his hair with his free hand and only succeeded in messing up his bun. “I know I did not take it, I panicked on the whole flight to New Zealand about having forgotten it.”
“Oh.”
Fíli looked him straight in the face, his eyes searching. “You were the one who found it, right?”
Kíli hung his head. “Just a couple of days ago, actually.”
“Fuck.” Fíli leant against the wall, hugging the books to his chest. “Fuck. You read it then?”
“I was still angry.”
“I understand.” Fíli breathed heavily. Then he tried to straighten himself. “You know why I ran away so?”
Kíli nodded.
“And … and you still came to Cork to find me?”
“Of course.” Kíli looked right back. “I missed you so much.”
“But …”
“And for the record, I think you’re a complete eejit.”
The anguished look in Fíli’s face made him just angrier. “NOT because I think you’re disgusting. Jesus.”
“You don’t think …”
“NO! Feck. No. I don’t understand why you hated yourself so much just for that!”
“Just for? You’re my fecking first cousin! We were both living under Thorin’s roof! You were only 18!”
They were both yelling now. “And you were not taking advantage of me! So you were attracted to another man, not much younger than yourself, whom you never met before!”
“But who shares some of my blood!”
“Sure, so? We’re not brothers. We did not grow up together. Look at us.” Kíli gestured between them. “Look at our faces, and look at our characters. Yeah, so we share DNA, but it was distributed very differently!”
A chuckle was forced out of Fíli’s throat but he did not say anything.
Kíli took a deep breath and asked, in a much quieter voice: “So in the diary - you said you talked to a counsellor. Have you spoken to a therapist since?”
Fíli shook his head. “I told you, I’m not suicidal.”
“But messed in the head.” Kíli held up his hand. “I don’t mean it in a bad way. But you got issues and you need professional help there.”
“So I can stop loving you?”
“You still …”
Fíli looked down at his books. “I dated in the last few years. But …”
It struck Kíli how absurd this was. He was standing in the doorframe of his room, holding his door open with his hip, Fíli was leaning against the wall next to the door, a boxed set of Lord of the Rings clutched in his hands. He took a deep breath.
“Go and put the books away. I fetch your diary and give it back to you. And then we make some tea and talk as if we have actually become adults.”
Fíli nodded awkwardly and complied.
Kíli surprised himself when he actually made two cups of tea. He had never felt so much like an adult as now, when he tried to sort things out with the older cousin he had looked up to.
“So.” Kíli sat down at the table and slid a cup towards Fíli.
“So.” Fíli took it. “You’re saying I overreacted then.”
“Big time.” Kíli tried to smile a little bit. “Don’t get me wrong - I felt awful when I read how bad you were feeling inside, and how much you hated yourself. II should have noticed.”
“We had only known each other for 2 years and you were still grieving your mam.” Fíli smiled a little. “You know, I’ve been away longer than I’ve lived with you.”
“And still I missed you.”
“I missed you.”
“I felt the same way.” Kíli looked at a picture on the wall, one that showed an aerial view of Dublin. “But you’re right, I was still grieving. I found you attractive right from the start, and I definitely fell for you. But yeah, I was still grieving mam, I thought you were straight and well. I did not know what to do anyway. But I never beat myself up for the way I felt.”
He dared to look back at Fíli, whose mouth was hanging open, his hands clutched around the cup.
“You did?”
Kíli nodded. “Just like you, I did try dating in the last few years. But no one lived up to the standard you set.”
“So.” Fíli also looked at the aerial view. “Okay. I will go see a therapist.”
It was an unspoken agreement that they would do nothing about their feelings. Yet.
~*~
Fíli stayed for two weeks, mending bridges with Thorin and spending as much time with Kíli as possible.
Two months later, when his temporary job in Cork was finished, he asked Thorin if he could take him in if he moved back to Dublin to look for a job there. Kíli had to stop Thorin from going overboard and redecorate the entire house for the occasion.
He had started therapy in Cork and immediately looked for a new therapist in Dublin. Finding a job was a bit harder. But he eventually found a job in a charity working for homeless people. Not a great place for starting a career, but Thorin still seemed happy.
To celebrate, Thorin paid for a trip to London for both of his nephews. Jormungand, a metal band from New Zealand Fíli had fallen in love with there, gave a concert.
On the second day there, as they were sitting outside a cafe by the Thames, Kíli told Fíli: “I told Thorin I’m in love with you.”
“You - you what?”
“I told him I’m in love with you.”
Fíli’s response was a noiseless opening and closing of his mouth.
When nothing else was forthcoming, Kíli continued: “I think he found it a bit awkward, seeing as we’re both his nephews and under his roof. But he said he had learned not to interfere in our lives.”
Fíli rubbed his forehead. “He still thinks he pushed me away. I tried to talk to him, I swear.”
“He’s a stubborn mule.”
And then Kíli waited a moment for Fíli to catch on to the rest. Much as he adored his cousin, Fíli could be a bit slow.
“Hang on,” Fíli said a moment later. “You’re in love with me?”
“Yes.”
“And … you told Thorin?”
“Yes.”
“Because ….”
“Because I want to be together with you, of course. If you want to.”
“I.” Fíli looked at him. “I. Yes. Of course. I …”
“And therapy helped? You won’t be disgusted with yourself?”
Fíli ducked his head and smiled, dimples flashing. “No. Not that I’m over all my issues, but I got past that.”
He stretched out his hand towards Kíli, who took it immediately.
As they walked back to their hotel hand in hand, Kíli could not regret having read the diary. If he had not found the diary, those conversations would not have happened. Fíli would never ever have confessed his feelings. But Kíli had found the diary. And now he had Fíli smiling at him with the softest little smile in the world and Kíli was so happy he could burst.