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Jeongguk always thought that Namjoon was so pretty. Namjoon was so so pretty. All soft smiles and even softer words. He was always so kind to everyone. Jeongguk couldn’t have asked for a better leader. Jeongguk grew up with Namjoon, with all of his hyungs. But his eyes and heart have began to shift course, lingering on Namjoon’s face less in normal adoration, and more in sweet romantics. His heart would flutter faster whenever Namjoon’s hands drifted to his sides or his shoulders. Jeongguk wasn’t a particularly touchy person, which everyone knew, but he craved to be held by strong arms. He often tossed and turned at night, bouts of anxiety and insomnia about his schedule seemingly eating him alive. All he wanted to do was crawl into the bed next to Namjoon, and be held, to be grounded. But Jeongguk knew that things often didn’t turn out that way.
“Jeongguk are you alright?” Namjoon would say with prying eyes, gentle eyes. Jeongguk knew he was chewing on his lip, too lost in his thoughts. His head snapped up and his eyes met Namjoon’s and he couldn’t think.
“Yes, hyung! I’m fine. I’m just thinking.” Jeongguk said, pulling on loose threads from his pants.
“Don’t think to hard, we still have a lot to do today. I’d like you to do some studio work with me. I might have to record some of your vocals too.” They were sitting in the dorm living room, and Jeongguk started to flush at the prospect of being in the studio room with Namjoon.
“Really? Namjoonie hyung that would be really nice.” Jeongguk meant it, he always meant every word he would say to him. All of the compliments. He meant it when he would tell Namjoon that he’s amazing. Namjoon just smiled at him, his dimples seeming to scorch themselves into the blush that Jeongguk was trying to control. Namjoon pat his knee as he rose up from the couch.
“Meet me in the studio after you’ve eaten.” He said, then he turned and walked out the door. Jeongguk’s knee was warm where Namjoon had touched him. He had to take a few moments to himself before he could hoist himself off the couch to eat some food. He ate hastily, scarfing down the jjigae as fast as he could. He dumped the dishes into the sink without really washing them even though he knew Jin would have a fit about it later. But he was eager to spend some alone time with Namjoon, they hardly ever were alone. Always surrounded by cameras and staff and the members. Jeongguk knew he should be careful, he knew that his feelings were all futile, Namjoon couldn’t like him back like that. He probably still saw Jeongguk as the awkward shy child he was when he first joined. But still, it was Namjoon. Even if he didn’t like him back, it was good enough to just be. He just wanted to be. He took his time doing his makeup today, even though he wasn’t going to be seen in front of any cameras, he liked the way wearing makeup made him feel. He felt pretty, which was important when he was in the presence of Namjoon. He sprayed on his perfume, an extra spray for good measure, before he made his way to Namjoon’s studios. He felt his stomach build up to his throat in nervousness as he stood outside the door. Should he knock? He probably wouldn’t need to, he could just walk in. Wouldn’t that be a little rude though? Before he had the chance to act on it and knock, the door swung open.
“Are you just going to stand outside my door for hours, or do you want to come inside?” Namjoon gave him a cheeky little smile. With that, Jeongguk just felt foolish. He had known Namjoon for so long and he didn’t even know if he could just walk into his studio. It’s not like he never barged in there before, he had. But not since he realized his feelings were more than just friendly. He just hid his face as he walked past Namjoon into the cozy studio. He sat down on the couch, tucking his knees into his chest, suddenly feeling very small. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.
“Hey Jeonggukie? Are you sure you’re alright?” Namjoon said, moving to sit in his big swivel chair next to his desk. Jeongguk only nodded at him, eyes diverted. Why was he doing this? Even if to just be with Namjoon, he’s afraid of what he might say. He’s afraid of what Namjoon might think of him. Namjoon’s deep voice broke his thoughts once again. “Jeonggukie, come sit next to me.” Namjoon had set up a chair beside his at his desk, patting it lightly. Jeongguk untucked from himself and walked over to the desk before delicately sitting himself down onto the chair. He looked up at Namjoon and saw his eyes, such pretty eyes. Whenever Namjoon looked at him with such fond eyes, and Jeongguk felt raw under his stares. He wanted so badly for Namjoon’s stares to be more than just the fact that Jeongguk is his friend. That Jeongguk is more than the little 15-year-old who started. Jeongguk painfully remembers their first meeting, and it is true, Namjoon has honey thighs. But Jeongguk wasn’t out then, and he isn’t out now. He theoretically knows that Joon would be supportive of him, he’s expressed it before. He doesn’t think anything less of LGBT people, and even Yoongi is so lovely, he constantly says how we are all equal. But Yoongi has been out since Jeongguk met him. But it’s different. Yoongi always knew.
Jeongguk didn’t have it that easy. If he came out to Namjoon, there would be the ‘Since when have you known?’ question. Jeongguk’s answer would be ‘since I realized I was in love with you.’ Which Jeongguk knew he couldn’t handle that type of honesty. Namjoon was supportive of LGBT people, but how would he react when he found out a boy was in love with him. If that boy was Jeongguk? His thoughts often got the best of him.
Namjoon was working steadily on a new track, layering different sounds and replaying the same few seconds over and over until he got it right.
“I hope you don’t mind that I asked you to hang out with me, I know it can be boring to watch.” Namjoon said. His eyes don’t leave the screen, fixed onto a specific vocal track that he’s trying to organize.
“Hyung?” Jeongguk started. He didn’t want Namjoon to know, to possibly reject him. But he thought Namjoon deserved to at least know about his sexuality. He wanted Namjoon to know him as much as Jeongguk would let him.
“Yes Ggukie?” And there must have been something different in his tone, because Namjoon saved his work and turned full to look at Jeongguk. And that was more dangerous, for Jeongguk just wanted to spill his feelings in swarths of sweet romantics. He wanted to drown in Namjoon’s words, in his smiles and his eyes.
“When did Yoongi hyung come out to you?” He has never really heard the story. He wanted to know if it was anything official, or anything serious.
“He didn’t really try to come out officially at all. He kind of just said that he was bi and that was it. He wasn’t afraid of it at all. It was really brave of him. Why?” Namjoon asked, his attention fully directed towards Jeongguk.
“Joon hyung, I think—well I mean I know. That, um, I’m bi too. I hope that doesn’t—” Jeongguk was going to finish it with ‘change the way you think of me’, but he was being pulled into Namjoon’s chest, arms wrapping around him.
“Jeonggukie, Jeongguk, I’m really proud of you, yeah? I’m so grateful that you felt comfortable enough to come out to me, hmm?” Namjoon said, Jeongguk was hovering over his lap, pulled out of his own chair, standing awkwardly above Namjoon’s own chair. He nestled his face into the dip formed by Namjoon’s neck meeting his shoulder. “Ggukie? I love you. I love you a lot.” Namjoon continued. Jeongguk felt his face heat up, he shut his eyes forcefully.
“I love you too, Joonie hyung.” He tried to ignore the double meaning under those words, the extra that they meant. They meant so much more to him. Jeongguk had his hands gripping at the fabric of the shirt at Namjoon’s sides. He was trying to not focus on the fact that this is as much of Namjoon that he could have. That any more would ruin everything. He felt his eyes begin to sting, his chest growing heavy, crushing the air out of his lungs.
“I mean it, Jeongguk, I love you.” Namjoon continued. Jeongguk couldn’t deal with that, and he began to cry, feeling the humidity in his eyes spill over onto Namjoon’s shirt. He could have just this, but just this was so painful. He has loved Namjoon for years. His emotions were so much, they were built up in the back of his head, so far away so as to not to think about them. And now they were dug up, torn out of Jeongguk’s mind and resting on his tongue, stuck to his fingertips. What was he supposed to do?
“Namjoonie hyung, I don’t know, I can’t figure it out.” His voice was shaking, he was shaking, face still in the bend of Namjoon’s shoulder, cheek pressed against his neck. His legs were still having to hold him up, weirdly hunched over Namjoon, and he was trembling. Namjoon pulled him the rest of the way to settle him on his lap. Jeongguk’s brain short circuited at the gesture, he has never really sat like this on someone, especially not when he’s so emotionally vulnerable. Namjoon began to run his hands over Jeongguk’s back, one weaving its way into his hair and slowly pushing through the strands delicately.
“You can’t figure what out, baby?” Namjoon asked, which only fueled Jeongguk’s sobs, too overwhelmed and stuck in his emotions. He wants to tell Namjoon. But he doesn’t want to ruin anything. It was getting hard for him though, hard for him to keep his secret, to keep the fluttering in his chest at bay. To hope that no one saw the lingering glances that always fell on Namjoon. Everything was so much, and Namjoon was holding him like this, and Namjoon had just called him baby.
“I can’t figure out what you mean. What do you mean when you say that?” Jeongguk said through shaky breaths, and a shakier voice.
“Jeonggukie, I’m not sure I understand.” Namjoon said, a coat of concern caked around his words.
“Hyung, I like you. Hyungie I’m in love with you. I have been for years. And when you say things like that, hyung what kind of love do you mean?” Jeongguk was so scared, he stiffened on Namjoon’s lap, and he expected for Namjoon to push him off. Namjoon only continued his steady movements as he was rubbing Jeongguk’s back and running his fingertips through his hair. This only made Jeongguk hide more into Namjoon’s neck. Did he already know?
“Ggukie, baby, can you look at me. Can you look at hyung please?” Namjoon said gently. All that was running through Jeongguk’s mind was the expectation of a gentle rejection. Namjoon was going to tell him that he didn’t love Jeongguk like Jeongguk wants. And Jeongguk was going to have to deal with that. Nevertheless, he moved back to look at Namjoon, getting lost in his eyes again, they were so fond. So kind.
“Jeonggukie, I love you too. Hmm? I have loved you for a long time, Ggukie.” Namjoon said with so much steadiness to his voice. It was as if Jeongguk’s brain paused for a second. All he could do was look at Namjoon, he was barely even comprehending the words that left Namjoon’s mouth.
“Hyung, you really mean it?” Jeongguk’s brain supplied. Jeongguk’s hands were resting over Namjoon’s shoulders. Namjoon brought his hands up to cradle Jeongguk’s face. Their faces were only inches apart, Jeongguk could feel Namjoon’s breath brush across his face. Then Namjoon leaned forward, kissing Jeongguk’s forehead.
“I mean it, baby.” Namjoon’s lips kissed down his nose. “I’ve loved you for a long time, and I always hoped you felt the same. I hoped that when you looked at me for longer than you looked at anyone else meant that you felt the same.” Namjoon’s kisses moved to his cheeks, kissing over the tear tracks there. “And here you are, trusting me enough with everything. Jeonggukie, I love you so much.” Namjoon said the last ‘I love you’ with a kiss at the corner of Jeongguk’s mouth. Jeongguk’s chest felt so full that it could burst, and with his, the deep red of his love would seep onto the both of them, surrounding them with all of his feeling. All of his love. He looked into Namjoon’s sharp eyes.
“Hyung, please kiss me.” He whispered, eyes focused on Namjoon’s mouth now. Namjoon gave him a gentle smile before leaning in and connecting their lips. His lips were so soft, and so gentle on his own. His head was spinning with the feeling of it. When they broke away, Namjoon kissed at his nose again, making Jeongguk flustered. Jeongguk pushed his face back into Namjoon’s neck. Namjoon resumed his movements rubbing on Jeongguk’s back, while also kissing his throat and shoulders. Jeongguk could only sigh contentedly.
“Thank you, hyung.” Jeongguk said, words muffled by Namjoon’s skin.
“For what?” Namjoon asked him.
“For being you.” Jeongguk was in love with Namjoon, and Namjoon was in love with Jeongguk. They just sat like that, cuddled in Namjoon’s big office chair. And all Jeongguk could feel was absolute unbridled happiness.